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mcmansionhell · 21 days

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ode to a faux grecian urn

Howdy everyone,

Today's house, built in 2001, comes to you from, you guessed it, the Chicago suburbs. The house is a testimony to traditional craftsmanship and traditional values (having lots of money.) The cost of painting this house greige is approximately the GDP of Slovenia so the owners have decided to keep it period perfect (beige.) Anyway.

This 5 bedroom, 7.5 bathroom house clocks in at a completely reasonable 12,700 square feet. If you like hulking masses and all-tile interiors, it could be all yours for the reasonable price of $2.65 million.

The problem with having a house that is 12,700 square feet is that they have to go somewhere. At least 500 of them were devoted to this foyer. Despite the size, I consider this a rather cold and lackluster welcome. Cold feet anyone?

The theme of this house is, vaguely, "old stuff." Kind of like if Chuck E Cheese did the sets for Spartacus. Why the dining room is on a platform is a good question. The answer: the American mind desires clearly demarcated space, which, sadly, is verboten in our culture.

The other problem with a 12,700 square foot house is that even huge furniture looks tiny in it.

Entering cheat codes in "Kitchen Building Sim 2000" because I spent my entire $70,000 budget on the island.

Of course, a second sitting room (without television) is warranted. Personally, speaking, I'm team Prince.

I wonder why rich people do this. Surely they must know it's tacky right? That it's giving Liberace? (Ask your parents, kids.) That it's giving Art.com 75% off sale if you enter the code ROMANEMPIRE.

Something about the bathroom really just says "You know what, I give up. Who cares?" But this is not even the worst part of the bathroom...

Not gonna lie, this activates my flight or fight response.

If you remember Raggedy Ann you should probably schedule your first colonoscopy.

Anyways, that does it for the interior. Let's take a nice peek at what's out back.

I love mowing in a line. I love monomaniacal tasks that are lethal to gophers.

Alright, that does it for this edition of McMansion Hell. Back to the book mines for me. Bonus posts up on Patreon soon.

If you like this post and want more like it, support McMansion Hell on Patreon for as little as $1/month for access to great bonus content including a discord server, extra posts, and livestreams.

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#architecture #design #mcmansion #mcmansions #ugly houses #interior design #bad architecture #mcmansion hell #illinois #2000s

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homesick-nostalgic · 8 months

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Source: https://www.propertyshark.com/homes/US/Home-For-Sale/ME/Naples/128-Horace-Files-Road/148384650.html

#early 2000s #2000s nostalgia #2000s aesthetic #2000s house

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k-wame · 5 months

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SCENES FROM A MARRIAGE | 🫦 Teasing Felix & Oliver · Saltburn (2023) · dir. Emerald Fennell

The moments between Oliver and Felix…there's a kind of constant tease sort of going on. Felix sort of knows the effect he has on people and he's sort of very comfortable playing with that. -dir. Emerald Fennell

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classichorrorblog · 4 months

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House Of Wax (2005)

#Horror #Horroredit #House Of Wax 2005 #Jaume Collet-Serra #Brian Van Holt #Paris Hilton #Vincent Sinclair #CHB #2005 #2000s

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emynarnen · 1 year

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“Rhaenyra looks up and war is in her eyes.”

#rhaenyra targaryen #house of the dragon #hotdedit #mine #100 #200 #300 #500 #1000 #2000 #3000 #5000 #10000 #hotd 110 #hotd #hotd s1

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weird-an · 14 days

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Wilson sits on the couch, watching Monster Truck Rally with House, when it hits him. It's like he has forgotten about it and now he remembers.

"I'm gay," he blurts out. He doesn’t mean to. He didn't even know it until the word leaves his tongue.

House shoves a handful of chips into his mouth.

"I'm gay," Wilson repeats, more alarmed.

House blinks. "I know," he shrugs, having the audacity to sound almost bored. "You're gay, the sky is blue. What else is new?"

"You KNEW?" Wilson yells.

"Don't get your panties into a twist." House holds out the bag of chips. Wilson swats it away.

"I didn't know." Wilson rubs his temples. This is all too much.

House cackles. "You didn't know you liked dick?"

"I have never tried dick," Wilson groans - and really? His existential crisis has just been reduced to that? He squints his eyes. "Have you tried dick?"

"Heterosexuality is boring," House just says, still munching on the chips.

A fire burns inside Wilson.

"What?" He glares at House. "Who was it?"

"Oh, Jimmy, you're too sweet when you're jealous," he coos. So he isn't telling. Asshole.

Wilson's cheeks grow hot.

"I don't like the thought," he admits. "Don't be a dick."

"You like dick," House says.

"I do," Wilson grumbles.

House looks very happy about that.

"Is this a date?" Wilson asks after a while.

"Obviously."

#i know i inow awful dck jokes #but isn't that the 2000s vibe #hilson #house md #james wilson #gregory house #house x wilson

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imnotavamp1r3 · 23 days

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♡ Playboy Easter! ♡

That's it, byeeeee! ˚｡⋆୨୧˚♡

#pink scene #girlblogging #girls next door #holly madison #bubblegum coquette #mcbling #pink y2k #y2k #trashy y2k #early 2000s #house bunny #2000s #trashy 2000s #juicy couture

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deeism · 4 months

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when i watched season one of house i saw house and wilson interact here and there and i was like oh okay. they could be gay i guess. in a plausibly deniable way. But um. late seasons hilson feels like repeatedly getting hit over the head with a bat and when you finally come to you're lying on the ground watching as the blurry vague silhouettes of house and wilson make out over your lifeless body

#brandy.txt #Like how did we get here #in hindsight i think they were always that way #now it feels like im watching a bad fanfic parody of some sort #2000s queerbait was kind of on top of the game #unfortunately #house md #hilson #gregory house #james wilson

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itschoahyuna · 3 months

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🍮🎀𓈒 ˚ ⋆ ꒰ఎ‿୨★୧‿ ໒꒱ ⋆ ˚ 𓈒🎀🍮

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my-dear-ceramic-frogs · 6 days

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House MD: how it was vs how it’s going

(My own version of this comic)

#a good old fashioned early 2000s gay bait is one of the most powerful things #just a law of nature #house md #house #hilson #episode s6e10 is the one both the original artist and I picked for the comic I just chose a more random line lol

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violetbudd · 7 months

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House of 1000 corpses (2003)

#house of 1000 corpses #rob zombie #horror #horror films #2000s horror #2000s film #horroredit #movie stills #my edits #my screencaps #do not repost

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mcmansionhell · 6 months

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pre-recession, post-taste

Hello, everyone. I hope this blog can bring some well-needed laughs in really trying times. That's why I've gone back into the archives of that precipitous year 2007, a year where the McMansion was sleepwalking into being a symbol of the financial calamity to follow. We return to the Chicago suburbs once more because they remain the highest concentration of houses in their original conditions. Thanks to our flipping predilection, these houses become rarer and rarer and I have to admit even I have developed a fondness for them as a result.

Our present house is ostensibly "French Provincial" in style, which is McMansion for "Chateaux designed by Carmela Soprano". It boasts 7 bedrooms, 8.5 bathrooms, and comes in at a completely reasonable 15,000 square feet. It can be yours for an equally reasonable $1.5 million.

Every 2007 McMansion needed two things: a plethora of sitting rooms and those dark wood floors. This house actually has around five or six sitting rooms (depending if you count the tiled sunroom) but for brevity's sake, I'll only provide two of them.

With regards to the second sitting room, I'm really not one to talk statuary here because beside me there is a bust of Dante where the sculptor made him look simultaneously sickly and lowkey hot.

Technically, if we are devising a dichotomy between sitting and not sitting (yes, I know about the song), the dining room also counts as a sitting room. The more chairs in your McMansion dining room, the more people allegedly like you enough to travel 2.5 hours in traffic to see you twice a year.

Here's the thing about nostalgia: the world as we knew it then is never coming back. In some ways this is sad (kitchens are entirely white now and marble countertops will look terrible in about 3 years) but in other ways this is very good (guys in manhattan have switched to private equity instead of betting the farm on credit default swaps made from junk mortgages proffered to America's most vulnerable and exploited populations.) Progress!

Okay I really don't understand the 50 bed pillows thing. Every night my parents tossed their gazillion decorative pillows on the floor just to put them back on the bed the next morning. Like, for WHAT? Who was going in there? The Pope?

Here's a fun one for your liminal spaces moodboards. (Speaking for myself.)

Yes, I know about skibidi toilet. And sticking out your gyatt for the rizzler. I wish I didn't. I wish I couldn't read. Literacy is like a mirror in which I only see the aging contours of my face.

When your kids move out every room becomes a guest room.

Anyway, let's see what the rear of this house has to offer.

The migratory birds will not forgive them for their crimes. But also seriously, not even a garden?

Anyway, that does it for this round of McMansion Hell. Happy Halloween!

If you like this post and want more like it, support McMansion Hell on Patreon for as little as $1/month for access to great bonus content including a discord server, extra posts, and livestreams.

Not into recurring payments? Try the tip jar! Student loans just started back up!

#architecture #design #mcmansion #mcmansions #ugly houses #interior design #bad architecture #2000s design #illinois

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mylifeinwindows · 3 months

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