#21 year old me is crying for jessa

[luciehercndale]

Nothing Makes Sense Anymore

Yesterday I was listening to this song which gives the title to this one shot and I was inspired to write this story. It is about the feeling of loss you feel when someone dies or disappears, the anxiety about not being able to see them anymore, to talk to them anymore. It made me think about Will and Jem and how they deal with each other’s loss, and also how Tessa is the only constant in both of their lives, in different times of their lives. I hope this isn’t too depressive but I was in the mood to write something like this.

Relationship/Characters: Will Herondale, Jem Carstairs, Tessa Gray, Herongraystairs, Wessa, Jessa POVs: Will and Jem’s Rating: T TW: death, depression Background Music/Inspiration: Nothing Makes Sense by Mike Shinoda

Will 1878: 21 Long Days Later

 Nothing makes sense anymore.

It takes 21 days to form a habit, but Will Herondale still hadn’t got used to Jem Carstairs being gone. He hadn’t died, but he was still gone from the places they shared together, from the table they shared to eat their dinner, from the sofa they shared to laugh about this or that, from the bed where he used to lie when he was ill and Will was tending to him. Gone was the pale color of his mane, the faint but vivid hue of his irises, the joy of his smile that he always gifted him despite his body was collapsing. Jem had words of reassurance for him even if he did make no sense sometimes.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

Still, even if his whole life up until that moment had been a whirlwind of strong emotions that he kept hidden and of people he tried to push away, the only constant in his existence had been Jem. His greatest sin. The only person who made his world make sense, the true north, the flame that couldn’t be put out. The light which guided him home whenever he was lost, but also the comfort he sought when he felt emotionally drained because he had to pretend to hate others.

He had put up walls, but Jem had destroyed them.

He had hated himself for what he did, but Jem had loved him more.

As Will stared at the small waves of the Thames in front of him at midnight, he wished he would just have the strength to saunter to the river bank and drown in his sorrows. He was already drowning, after all. Nothing made sense in his life, he had lost his compass. He was lost, it wouldn’t have been bizarre if he had…

No.

He glanced at his right side, where he would be if he didn’t have to leave.

It was empty.

Vacant, just like his heart. If he had to be honest, his heart was not vacant, it was full of bottled emotions ready to explode, to wound him, to cut him, to break him. Twenty-one days ago, a part of his soul was carved out of his heart. It still scorched, but scars are also a remainder experiences, of people. He would not forget Jem, nor Jem would forget him. They would still be linked for eternity, until they would both leave this world and meet in the afterlife, where they could be together. If there was an afterlife, but he decided that it existed.

He touched his chest, right where the rune of his never-ending friendship with Jem was. His love for Jem wouldn’t fade, despite their parabatai rune was white as a scar on his heart. He opened his shirt to check that he hadn’t dreamed about this, that Jem had been real and that he wasn’t his imagination who was playing tricks on him.

“It’s still here,” he murmured to the river, assuring himself that it was indeed reality. And then he broke down in tears, desperate because he couldn’t be with him. He was there but also not there. It comforted him, but it also made him desperate because he couldn’t spend his days and nights with him by his side.

Nobody would take Jem’s side.

“Will.”

He froze but he didn’t stop weeping, but now it was tears mixing with laughter. “I think I’m imagining voices,” he said directed to the river. “I lost the light of reason.” But then the only person who always went where he and Jem went, where he now went alone, filled the void by his side, and made him see things from a different perspective.

Jem’s place would stay vacant, but the other side wouldn’t.

The only person who understood what it meant to lose him would fill his other side, and she would be bound to him by drawing the marriage rune on the same place where the faint parabatai one once was. The person who Jem also loved, and in which his affection also reflected.

He gazed at her with eyes devoid of life, but full of emotion. “Tess, I… I want to be alone.”

“Well, I don’t,” she replied, her eyes as glassy as his, hurrying by his left side. “Want to tell me about the time you met Jem? You’ve never told me about it.”

Will’s heart would shatter with feelings of loss and love but he would comply, and they would laugh or cry at what he had just said.

That was how they tried to cope with the fact that Jem had to become a Silent Brother in order to save his life. That is how Will and Tessa coped with loss, knowing that what mattered the most was that Jem couldn’t be with them, but he was still alive. That, despite he couldn’t be all the time with them as they wished, he was still breathing. They could still see him, he would still be there when their children would grace this world, until it would be Will’s time to leave them. His time, however, would be final.

21 grams was also the weight of a soul. Jem and Tessa felt the loss of balance when Will left them, and their worlds would never be the same.

 Jem 2007: 70 Long Springs Later

Seventy years. Almost the age he had when he left them, Jem thought as he stared at London from Blackfriars Bridge. He had been there at least once a year, for his annual meeting with Tessa, and things didn’t seem different except they had changed drastically. At least from his perspective. He could still fell the imbalance and void in his existence, the idle spot where he used to be whenever they fought together in battle. He could still see the mark that linked them on his shoulder, but to an onlooker, the area was bare, the scar barely visible. But still there, still present.

People’s life span isn’t long. In the 150 years he had been alive, he had seen things change, people getting old and leaving this world, places decay, turning into the ghosts of what they once were.

Ghosts.

He couldn’t see ghosts, but he knew that they existed. And they were around them, protecting them like an invisible mantle, a coat of tenderness, of everlasting devotion. Anyone would think he was mad to think ghosts were part of their world too, but Tessa would not. She would believe that his ghost had crossed the bridge to the afterlife but he was still very present in their essence. In their memories, in their love, in their journey.

It was the crack of dawn, too early for pedestrians to walk on the bridge and maybe even for ghosts to appear, had he been able to see them. It was the time he preferred because the city was quieter and he could go undisturbed to remind himself of his first life, of his life before the one he had just left, of the life before he became a Silent Brother.

The first life where the third missing piece of his current life had been with him. The one who had made his first life feel more valuable, gave it more meaning than what he would have had if their paths hadn’t crossed. If he had kept his feelings to himself and drowned in depression. The one who would go out in the middle of the night whenever he had a withdrawal and he was out of his poison, which was also his cure. The one who would stay by his bed to keep his hand warm and his forehead covered by a cool cloth to make his temperature go down, or would risk his life to save his frail one without batting an eye when he was too weak to wield a sword.

Will had been part of Jem’s second life as a Silent Brother. He had made it colorful, fiery, vibrant. As a Brother, the light, the joy, the emotions were denied to him, but through Will and through Tessa, he had experienced a chromatic life, which helped him endure his new reality dressed in anonymous parchment colored gear.

Will had also had children who had been equally important to Jem, who had reminded him who he was and… He passed a hand through his now black hair remembering when Will informed him that his first son would be named after him. “I can have a piece of you even when you’re not here,” he had told him with pride, and James had turned out to be a great person who loved profoundly just like his parents. Lucie, their second daughter who had Tessa’s lovely features, had also lighted his life. Jem never told them what Lucie did when she was sixteen, and when they found out they were worried sick, but they never blamed him for not telling them what their daughter was risking. He just wanted the people he loved the most to be safe. He would guarantee them that he would continue doing that for the following generations.

His view of the river few feet below blurred. He hadn’t realized that he was crying until he wiped his face with the back of his hand. Seventy years had passed since his parabatai had left this world, but he was a mess after every visit to London, still longing for Will’s presence. He knew that he had to be there, somewhere close. He felt his shoulder warm, as if someone had an arm around him to wrap him in a comfortable feeling of homeliness. Shadowhunters believed in ghosts, Will could see ghosts himself, and even if Jem wasn’t able to do it, he was sure he wasn’t alone.

“It’s okay to cry.”

It was Tessa. She was by his side, looking at the same view he was contemplating. In the years following Will’s death he had only met Tessa in sparse occasions. She had decided to leave that city because she couldn’t bear his loss and then the war broke, and they couldn’t properly meet the way they wanted to. After all, they still had each other.

This year, seventy years after their world broke apart, he had been cured, and there wasn’t anything stopping them to be together every day like they had wished to do when Jem was still 17. When he was dying. He knew that he had survived because of Will’s and Tessa’s love for him even when he became a Silent Brother. He wasn’t a Silent Brother anymore now, he was just Jem, and by his side there was still Tessa, the only constant in his life who was also a reminder of Will, the only person who had loved his parabatai the same way he also loved him, and the same way they both loved him right now, after seventy long years.

“Seeing London every year still moves me,” Jem commented as the sun was about to rise higher in the sky before them. “But this time is different, because I’m seeing London as myself. As Jem. It reminds me of when me and Will used to sit on the ledges of bridges around town when we were patrolling the streets at night.”

“Tell me more about it,” said Tessa with a smile.

He nodded and managed a grin and he would indulge in her request. He could still feel the warmth around them as he recalled hilarious experiences with his parabatai. He decided to recollect only the happy memories on this anniversary, because Will wouldn’t want them to be sad, even if he wasn’t physically with them.

Even when he exhaled his last breath, he had told them that he wanted them to hold onto each other, just like Jem had done when he became a Silent Brother. His disappearance from this world just meant that he was going somewhere incorporeal, but they would still live, their hearts would still beat. They couldn’t lose sight of each other or they would lose their minds, even if he couldn’t be with them anymore.

The soft spring breeze was blowing and it embraced their huddled figures next to the bridge. They would still have time before crossing that bridge to go to Will, whose presence was still resounding around them, a ghostly presence, especially there in London where he had lived most of his life.

When the morning sun was glowing far above the clear skies and he had told her about the past, Jem felt the need of asking something to her.

“If we ever have a daughter, can we call her Wilhelmina?”

Tessa turned to him and watched him with a pensive expression, still lost in the stories they had just shared on the bridge. She smiled fondly and she nodded. “You don’t even have to ask.”

In that moment, Jem realized that even if Will was not there, they would still remember him every day, he and Tessa. She was, after all, the thread that had made their bound stronger, the only constant in both of their lives. This made life worth living, despite their lives wouldn’t be the same until they would be able to finally reach the place where Will was.

Until then.

#jem carstairs #will herondale #tessa gray #wessa #jessa #will and tessa #will and jem #jem and tessa #herongraystairs #the infernal devices #the last hours #james herondale #lucie herondale #wilhelmina carstairs #ghost of the shadow market #tlh #the mortal instruments #tid #tda #tsc #the shadowhunter chronicles #my edits #tweety writes

[19kidsandloving]

83 thoughts I had while watching "A New Baby" 1. Spurgeon is so cute 2. Izzy is legit my most favorite child in the world 3. I can't wait for another Baby Dilly 4. Spurg sitting in the chair next to Jessa like why is this child so cute 5. Jill and Joy are so similar I've never really noticed 6. Ben do you have emotions????? 7. Omg I want Jana to find a guy 8. We honestly don't need a flashback to Jessa's wedding. Pls. How many times have we seen this 9. Jessa looks so young at her wedding 10. I can't wait for Joe's wedding tho 11. How many times are we gonna hear how hard it was to transition to cooking for just two people after the girls got married??? 12. Whyyyy do we need all these flashbacks 13. Will never deny a flashback of Izzy being a little baby though 14. Joy poking Austin's dad in the stomach???? Is that allowed? I'm being 100% serious 15. Can we get some Joe and Kendra footage soon? 16. Izzzzzzy I love you 17. Why is Jill in the market for a new home? 18. Yep there it is, they are looking at a new home JB has purchased. Why isn't my dad a real estate mogul? 19. I didn't realize Jill and Derick's house was still considered the "guest house". Why don't they just buy it from JB???? 20. This house looks like it could be from a horror film 21. What an odd house 22. THE POOL IS AWESOME I WANT THIS HOUSE 23. Izzy wanting to get in the pool YES IZZY 24. Izzy saying "hola" is everything 25. Jana I want you to find love so bad 26. Jinger's reaction to "are you pregnant?" Hahahahah amazing 27. Spurgeon fake crying bc he's not getting attention is me 28. Jana throwing Spurgeon in the swing is also me 29. Spurgeon chilling in the swing is me 30. This scene is just so relatable 31. Does Derick know Everest isn't a country though??? 32. SNACKS I AM CRYING 33. CHICKEN NUGGETS JD YES 34. Oh a flashback I'm shocked 35. I truly hope Henry's birth goes better than Spurgeon's 36. I used to hate Sierra but she's grown on me 37. Love Jana so much 38. Does Jackson ever take that hat off 39. Ok these ladies, their "friends" they call by name - keep them in mind in case they are courting some of the Duggar boys because we all know now this is how they get introduced, they mentioned Laura who we already know, but also let's keep this Crystal gal in mind 40. I love Jackson a lot 41. I love Sierra and Joy's friendship tho 42. Derick saying cray cray is everything I need in life 43. Why is Jessa wearing pants under her dress at the shower? 44. Grandma Duggar is the best 45. Love you Joe 46. I love seeing the boys interact with the younger girls 47. JUSTIN'S VOICE BRAH WHEN DID YOUR VOICE CHANGE OMG 48. I would love if Jana had a secret boyfriend 49. I'm sorry Justin just climbing up on the beams of the house? Casual 50. Jinger's face when they asked if she wanted to video into Jessa's labor hahahah 51. Austin is so nervous omg poor guy 52. I would be okay if I never had to see another guy ask JB for his daughter's hand in marriage bc it's just so uncomfortable 53. JB just say yes, stop torturing Austin pls 54. YAS HE HAS THE BLESSING 55. HE IS SO HAPPY OMG I AM GONNA CRY 56. Ok I'm sold, I love Austin 57. Yas Austin go put that for sale sign in the yard and GET YOU THAT HOUSE SOLD 58. "He doesn't like it when you tell him no" same spurg 59. Look at them planning for potentially going to the hospital. I'm impressed 60. What kind of big brother do you think Spurgeon will be? Joe "an older one" love you so much 61. THEY LOVE THE FLASHBACKS TOO MUCH 62. Ben's style has progressed over the years and for that I am grateful 63. It's baaaabbby time. I'm excited 64. Joe being the perfect brother per usual 65. A lot of children have been birthed in this house 66. I'm crying it's FINE omg 67. I'm not kidding. Tears are in my eyes. Jessa is so happy OMG 68. JESSA STOP CRYING I AM SO EMOTIONAL 69. Henry is sooooo cute 70. Ben looks like he's in another world but I love him just holding the baby so tight 71. Spurgeon slept through it all lololol I relate more and more to him every time I see him 72. Can't get over Justin's voice 73. Justin is so old I just don't get it like when did this happen 74. Spurgeon meeting Henry WAY TOO CUTE 75. All Israel ever says is hola and I wouldn't have it any other way 76. Israel is literally the cutest and I will never get over it 77. "Cutie pie" OMG SPURGEON I LOVE YOU 78. Every time Justin talks. I'm shocked 79. "He could always go by Wilbur" no though just call him henry please 80. Gotta end the episode in a montage of flashbacks, I get that 81. CAN'T WAIT FOR JOE AND KENDRA TO INTERACT ON CAMERA 82. I wish they wouldn't be coy about relationships just tell us thanks 83. Why are they treating this like the finale? Like this big summary??? Okay y'all it's been a great episode. Thanks for reading along🙌🏼

[19kidsandloving]

Alright y'all....I was asked to live blog an episode so imma do it with my own spin. Here is 40 thoughts I had during Spurgeon's First Birthday episode!!! 1. Jeremy is more excited about cheese than anything I've ever been excited about in my life. 2. I live with one other person and I've never bought just one apple 3. Jinger watching Jeremy workout is me 4. JEREMY THINKING THE PEALER IS A CHEESE SHREDDER I AM CRYING 5. When asked where they see themselves in a year, no mention of kids. When asked where they see themselves in five years, Jeremy says they'd like to start a family. INTERESTING 6. The babies' footprints seems like more work than just putting a shoe up to their foot idk 7. I just love Israel so much 8. Anna "who can jump in place the longest" AMAZING 9. The kids wanna stop jumping and Anna yells "keep going" I'm LIVING FOR THIS 10. Jessa talking about looking for a house but we all know JB will probably just give her a new one 11. Joy just seems so young I cannot believe she's married WHAT 12. Ok I love Joy though so much 13. I've been unsure about Austin but seeing them work on this house together is cute 14. Joy looking at Austin's lips in the interviews like just kiss him already 15. Israel is seriously my favorite 16. This consignment sale is intense 17. The voice Anna uses with her kids is not my favorite 18. Jessa "Anna talks to her kids sweetly" oh that's what it's called, sweetly? 19. Kynzie has literally no personality 20. All the other customers just standing and watching them in awe when Marcus fell and not even attempting to be coy is me 100% 21. Woah I definitely forgot Jill was a firefighter for two years 22. Jessa is a genuinely good mom 23. They keep referring to "the big house"? 24. Joy telling all her responsibilities....that are now all Jana's, yikes 25. I want an interview from Tyler tbh 26. I miss when Josiah and Joy used to be so close 27. Jer trying to using a big word that really isn't a hard word at all 28. If you see Joy, she's probably.... Jill "delegating" like I don't drink but there should be a drinking game for whenever someone talks about Joy delegating 29. Jessa saying Joy is "the nicer Jessa" hahahahah 30. I literally have no idea how old Josie is 31. Josiah when are you gonna get another girlfriend 32. Jer is a dashing young man 33. When did James become an adult where have I been 34. Does Ben's sister Jessica still have ties with her family? She's not at the birthday party so I just have some questions ya feel 35. Ben's mom used to creep me out but she's growing on me 36. Ben has gotten so cute over the years wow 37. Joseph I still love you and I'm still here if it doesn't work out with Kendra 38. "Fat, plump, and happy" not sure if Jason is describing Spurgeon or me 39. Jinger is lowkey so happy she's so far from her family 40. Can we get more footage of Ben trying to get Spurgeon to look at the camera Ok y'all there you have it. A pretty boring episode overall, next week should be much more exciting