#30 days of suffering

[soriastrider]

commuting sucks

#dirk strider #homestuck #my art #he is stuck in traffic behind some skeleton critters perchance #lmao #question of the day: should dirk strider be trusted with a vehicle #(i have a 45-50 min commute this semester. ~1h30 daily. 4 days per week) #(so much driving...) #(and my classes start at 8am/9:30am) #(and on the 9:30 days i dont get home until almost 5) #(bluh) #anyway #sorry dirk #once again you get to suffer with me lol #bg image is from hs wiki/hs p5438/[s] act 6 act 4

[ash-and-starlight]

things i’m going crazay about today: the illustrations in the he who drowned the world illumicrate cover

(artist is glassbearer on ig)

#what’s sending me into hysterics is wANG??? ultimate twinkification 😭😭 #i only recognized from his trademark horrid lettuce gown & faggy peach signaling #the difference between how i imagine/draw him and this is so nebfjsjfkwrkjsj #like to me he’s a tired dude with permanent eye bags and a caffeine addiction that started at age 9 #he’s barely 30 and looks 50 bc every day he wakes up in a torture nexus of his own making #being a straight faggot is hard work but someone has to do it #and is the other guy the third prince??? would make sense tbh but shouldn’t he be in his late teens #ig performative masculinity also ages you #(if i’m wrong and that’s esen PUT SOME BEEF ON MY MAN) #k rant over pushing this aside to tunnelvision on ZHU AND OUYANG #WHY ARE THEY DRAWN LIKE THEY’RE IN THE COVER OF A CAMPY ROMANCE NOVEL I LOVE IT #OUYANG SLUTTED OUT WHILE SUFFERING OH HES GETTING THE 15th CENTURY ART SAINT TREATMENT. AS HE SHOULD #love the benis metaphor of it all too he’s on his knees holding zhu’s sword i know what you are #zhu baby u look gorjus no notes #slay #anyway both /pos and /neg this sure is making me feel shrimp emotions lmfao #the radiant emperor #send post

[verndusk]

re-drawing a Bad Batch scene a day until season 3 comes out (or i forget): day 30

#THE BIG DAY 30 #wow i cannot believe its gone so fast #so here's a 5 character scene because i love suffering #60 second speedpaint for this big one :) #there are only so many simple scenes i can pick and i will save them for the lazy days #tbb #the bad batch #my art #star wars #tbb everyday #bad batch #tbb hunter #tbb omega #tbb wrecker #tbb tech #clone force 99 #screenshot redraw #captain rex

[eternallovers65]

Bridgerton is so funny cause they genuinely want me to believe that a woman like Penelope just wouldn't have a ton of men lining up to take her hand

And it's even funnier when you remember that curvy women were considered to be the hottest thing ever back in the day

#also nicola is 37 and doesnt look a day past 30 like kicking those celebs that are obsessed with fat bucal remove that look older #anyway i havent read to books so i cant judge but my god colin better suffer i her hand before they get a hug #bridgerton #penelope featherington #bridgerton s3

[guiltywisdom]

David Kirby (1957-1990)

He looks like Christ, I see Christ in him.

David Kirby on his deathbed, a victim of AIDS. Also pictured, David's caregiver and friend Peta, David's father Bill Kirby and David's sister Susan. Photographed by Therese Frare in Ohio (1990). David's father Bill has made it clear, David wanted everyone to see his picture.

#society #aids #hiv #david kirby #death #i was struck by this image in another post but i felt making it about God there was the wrong place so i created another post #when this image was seen by many the roman catholic church was apparently outraged over the similarities between david and the pieta #which i saw as well - but instead of outrage i felt awe - i recognised in david the Christ like we should see in every person #of course there was similarities - of course this father was weeping for his child just as our Mother wept for her Son the day He suffered #they recognised the divine in David but instead of embracing it they turned away from it #i see Christ in David - just as i see Christ in everyone - but on that day 30 years ago it was a little easier to see

[journey-to-the-attic]

my back hurts like hell and i'm stuck inside for the day SO i've just been thinking about the newspaper club and their dynamics with characters outside the club

honestly this is more for me than anything but i thought i'd give em a post anyway :^) these aren't 'finalised' in the sense that they're all going to end up in the fic (especially since i also talk about the s4 trio, who won't even be appearing), but i'd call these 'canonical' to jtta in a broad sense of the term

^for reference in case anyone's not aware - from left to right, mephisto (pink), astaroth (blue), wiz (purple), alecto (green)

alecto & lucifer

we already see belphie calling alecto in to deal with caim in ch42, so kind of building on that idea: alecto sort of becomes the student council's secret agent in all but name

so lucifer (being the de-facto leader, even if diavolo's technically the president) calls on her more often

at first lucifer just has her dealing with trouble-makers in school; then, seeing as she's so reliable, he has her helping run errands - and eventually he starts asking for favours outside of school, such as helping him track down a cursed record, seeing as she has a nose for magical contraband - in return, he helps alecto source certain artifacts for wiz, who's obsessed with them

then at some point along the line it becomes a less transactional relationship and more just being buds

they'll catch up with each other in the corridor and have a brief chat, occasionally they'll meet up for a coffee. they peak when alecto starts calling him 'bestie' as a joke and lucifer finds that he doesn't actually mind it

though unfortunately lucifer'll never get the opportunity to take advantage of his new friend's talents on the harpsichord, since alecto reserves those nearly exclusively for wiz

if i had to describe their dynamic it'd be: drinking buddies at the pub

one thing that lucifer did not foresee from this though: alecto really wants to fight him. no magic - that's boring and a foregone conclusion - just good old-fashioned hand to hand combat. he's been steadfastly refusing so far, but maybe one day she'll break him down...

alecto has seriously considered offering to play for him (which she's NEVER done for anyone outside the club) in exchange for a fist fight

alecto & raphael

ideal duo: one is goofy and the other has catholic guilt

more seriously, these two really do get on like a house on fire, even though you'd never be able to tell from a glance

whenever they're hanging out it just kinda looks like alecto's doing her own thing with raphael silently following along - but this is just what works for them

basically, raphael normally can't handle hanging out alone with someone who's above a certain energy level. and, while alecto is above that level, somehow she hits a sweet spot where she makes up for raphael's lack of energy in a way that doesn't overwhelm him

it does sometimes seem like alecto's talking to herself, but often raphael's comments are just too quiet for an outsider to hear

alecto regularly begs raphael to use his shower of spears on her to test her dodging skills, and unlike lucifer, raphael usually indulges her

one time she reflexively broke one of the spears and had to apologise profusely while raphael sadly held the shattered remains

(he wasn't that bummed, he just thought it was funny how guilty she was about it)

also alecto's got a talent for embroidery (if you look at her design - she stitched the daisies on her trousers and shoes herself), and raphael enjoys sewing, so they bond over that

wiz & levi

need a super specific prop complete with special effects for a cosplay? wiz is your gal

she's good with arts and crafts, and also knows SO MUCH about magical artifacts and their mechanisms that you could give her anything and she'd be able to reproduce it

and i need to make this clear: levi absolutely does NOT approach wiz first. he's terrified of her! why would he do that!!!!!

ik is the one who first asks wiz for help when levi's in a prop dilemma - he needs a specific wand

wiz makes it, PLUS adds in a feature where it makes colourful sparks when waved that correlate to the actual magic system of the show it's from

and levi's so blown away that he overcomes his fear to thank her in person, and after realising that overly friendly people aren't the scourges he views them as, slowly gets brave enough to ask her for help on his own

generally he just views wiz as, like, the super cool seasoned warrior that occasionally swoops in to save the main character from danger and deliver a life lesson

meanwhile wiz adopts him a little bit. not in the same way you adopt, like, a little sibling - more the way an older student adopts someone lower down in the school

she'll barter with fabric vendors in his stead to make sure he doesn't get ripped off buying materials and tell the cashier that he doesn't want pickles on his burger for him

wiz & om mephistopheles

i've sort of mentioned these in the s4 post, but i'll re-iterate (and explain) my point a bit here

wiz is really good at adjusting her own mannerisms and lingo to set whoever she's talking to at ease - so she's good at the sort of noble formal-speak that mephistopheles is used to

which is how they initially become sort-of friends; mephistopheles finds it easy to talk to her, and is subsequently a lot less standoffish and haughty than he usually comes off as - so wiz isn't immediately put off by his rich bitch attitude like most are

though mephistopheles does NOT like that wiz is so blase about breaking rules when it comes to magical artifacts, because she's usually disregarding direct reprimands from diavolo to do so

but (because he's got a good first impression of her), he has to begrudgingly respect the audacity

and since diavolo has sort of given up on getting her to listen, mephistopheles has decided he might as well look the other way as well

he enjoys consulting on the various puzzles wiz puts together for the newspaper, though it does sting whenever she gives him one that he genuinely can't solve

alecto cannot STAND him at first, but wiz keeps inviting him around to their house for tea (she feels bad for him because everyone seems to hate him), and she starts finding it really funny how much sugar he gets through

though whenever mephistopheles gets a little bit too royalist, wiz is quick to move the conversation somewhere else

astaroth & belphie

ohoho these guys...... (listen i promise the stargazing boyfriends will be a reality in-fic eventually)

they'll have been dating for months before either will admit it (it pisses asmo off because how is his baby brother going to start dating BEFORE him and not even acknowledge it?!!?!!?!?)

astaroth doesn't like talking about them and belphie's solution to just about everything is to sleep on it, but somehow they've both developed a radar for the other's problems

often belphie will just show up at his house without warning, and it's usually there that they spend time together - because tbh belphie would rather go without his brothers constantly butting in on his quality time

of the two of them, belphie gets the most nervous early on in the relationship - he's used to being able to read those he's close to easily (his twin connection with beel, ik's complete inability to keep her emotions from showing on her face), but astaroth's got a habit of just. forgetting to emote

belphie will be completely overthinking whether or not he's completely messed up this date and astaroth will just be staring blankly into the distance thinking "this is the happiest i've ever been"

he gets better at understanding him over time, though - to the point where he can somehow tell how astaroth's feeling based on the vibe of his silences whenever they're on call with each other

on that topic, they spend quite a lot of nights on the phone to each other when belphie's not over at his, since astaroth feels awkward staying the night at the hol - though most of the time belphie will fall asleep halfway through a conversation

astaroth & thirteen

these two don't seem like they'd get along at all, because astaroth seems way too normal to be interesting to thirteen

but here's the thing. he is not at all. and thirteen realises this as soon as they meet

get him talking and this guy has stories about having done the stupidest things, and somehow he thinks that it's normal behaviour - this is the only reason he can project that image

thirteen can never bring herself to explain to him that, no, astaroth, it isn't normal that your one solution for accidentally burning food is to rip out the entire cooker from the wall to shut off the fire. how are you even strong enough to do that????

astaroth isn't really one to get involved with the making of her traps (though he'll offer suggestions if she needs them) - thirteen doesn't go to him for that sort of thing, she goes to him for vibes

astaroth's visited her cave enough times that she's just installed a secret ramp corridor so that he doesn't have to deal with the security spells every time

they're very in-sync when it comes to making fun of other people - essentially they're that "true friends judge other people.... together" post

they're not super close emotionally, but with astaroth being so into the stars and ~the endless universe~ and thirteen being in close proximity with death, occasionally their conversations take a turn for the intensely philosophical

mephisto & solomon

*slaps head of boys* these bitches have a relationship SO complicated

they're in a weird place after the whole sonno thing, where solomon's finally gotten some closure on having been abandoned, but he really doesn't like it

meanwhile mephisto doesn't think it's a good idea to try to bridge the gap after all this time, so he just kinda withdraws emotionally

which solomon hates even more, because he's just perceiving this as a second abandonment

whether in a romantic way or not, back in that time where they were each other's only company during his studies - solomon might have loved him then. and to be honest he's never really let it go

there's this whole cocktail of resentment, grief, guilt, relief, hope and devotion going on, and neither of them know how to handle it

it gets weirder because eventually they settle in with a new dynamic - of good-natured banter while carefully ignoring what they both know the other is thinking

and it's comfortable, but the thing about these two is their relationship has never been static like this

the one constant has always just been each other; even back then, feelings were mixing and flipping on a dime, which is probably why neither's ever used a label for whatever the hell they were

figuring it out was always going to messy, but mephisto left before they could, and now they're at this motionless stage where both are avoiding moving forward - for fear that the other isn't willing to take the plunge

mephisto & diavolo/barbatos

diavolo and mephisto SEEM like they really don't like each other - which would have been true pre-jtta, but after the whole ordeal with sonno, they've both silently agreed to let bygones be bygones

but they still tend to avoid each other's company, though not necessarily deliberately - it's just that they share a lot of bad memories from that old time, and seeing the other tends to remind them of it

however, they've also both developed an odd, subconscious sense of duty to the other; essentially, they'll go out of their way to assist/defend each other, but only if they don't have to be alone together to do so

neither feels they have much to say in terms of reconciling their pasts, so they don't

meanwhile, mephisto and barbatos don't tend to hold much stock in their shared past - but, unlike with diavolo, they do share some fond memories, so there's still a certain degree of affection to their relationship

similarly, they feel an obligation to each other - if anything, theirs is stronger, since as chronodae they share a sort of mutual connection that's beyond ordinary comprehension

and, while they'd describe each other as 'an old friend', they're not close in the same way that friends are; rather, they're close in the same way that two moths seeking the same light have an instinctive mutual understanding of what drives the other - though neither would be able to put it into words

some more misc ones that i don't have a lot to say about, but i like

astaroth and raphael are pretty chill - they like hanging out together bc neither likes talking a bunch, but enjoys passive company, so their hangouts mostly entail being in the same general area but doing completely different things

lucifer and astaroth share a lot of their tastes in music, so occasionally lucifer will ask astaroth for recommendations. sometimes when belphie's feeling nice and he knows lucifer's been overworking lately, he'll call astaroth over to perform a little concert in the music room

mephisto and levi don't tend to talk, since their history makes it kind of awkward (even though levi's mostly forgiven him at this point), but when they do mephisto's always weirdly nice to him. no ridiculous jokes, no antics - tbh it's kind of unnerving how pleasant he is

wiz and satan don't talk a lot, but when they get started they'll go on for FOREVER, because they're both magic nerds with special interests in curses (wiz used to be a curse-breaker herself) and magical artifacts. a similar thing happens with solomon, except that tend to engage in more scholarly debates rather than just gushing or throwing fun facts back and forth

lucifer respects wiz as a mage, but finds it difficult to talk to her because she has a disconcerting habit of looking very hard at whoever she's talking to, and he doesn't do well with perceived scrutiny

alecto and belphie have a mutual understanding going on where, if one needs assistance from the other, it's given without question - but they don't hang out a lot, since alecto's the type of demon that belphie can't really handle without a buffer

lucifer finds mephisto insufferable but he also thinks he's really funny, so he's constantly having an internal struggle whenever he's around

mammon has wanted to ask astaroth how fast he can go on his wheelchair for a really long time but he's never worked up the nerve to (astaroth's whole monotone stoic deal intimidates him)

simeon gets along super well with the girls and will usually ask them first if he needs someone to babysit luke for whatever reason

astaroth doesn't like sugar, but one time luke offered him a cookie and he felt too awkward to refuse. but now luke KEEPS offering him sweets, and now he's trapped himself

mephisto and thirteen are thick as thieves - but, don't get me wrong, they'd NEVER emotionally confide in each other. what they've got going on is some kind of troublemaking goblin solidarity

wiz's expertise also makes her a perfect consultant when it comes to thirteen's traps, so you'll often see them poring over blueprints together

#long post #anyway so re: my back #this happens so often i fall asleep at a weird angle for ONE NIGHT and then i gotta suffer for a goddamn week for it #me 🤝 lucifer: back hurt so bad but being brave about it #oh the woes of being old. (i'm not even 30 yet) #all you youngsters out there.... please cherish your spines while they last #because one day. and one day soon. that motherfucker will TURN on you #now that i've got that out the way. tag time #newspaper club #obey me #can i be bothered tagging all the characters....to make it easier i'll just leave out the ones only mentioned in the misc section #jtta alecto #jtta wiz #jtta mephisto #jtta astaroth #obey me lucifer #obey me raphael #obey me mephistopheles #obey me belphegor #obey me diavolo #obey me barbatos #obey me solomon #obey me thirteen #obey me leviathan #belpheroth #also i'll tag em since there's some elements of their bit that could be read that way: #solphisto #i will say though that once they DID figure it out these two would be the most insufferable couple #it'd be all messy and stuff during the process but once established they are free to get Goofy #among other things. ahem

[decaflondonfog]

day 19/30 of 30 microfics in 30 days

screaming crying throwing myself into the sun etc etc. this prompt was an obvious request for pain and boy oh boy ;_; thanks amity i hope THIS HURTS YOU AS MUCH AS IT DID ME lmaoooo 

KEVIN/JEAN• GUILT for @amityillustration

#amity i'm sorry but also not because YOU ASKED FOR THIS #do other people ever think about how much kevin must have SUFFERED during that christmas break #admittedly i dont because it hurts my heart #but it's certainly a concept uh #aftg #kevjean #also if you're in the kevjean tag and love pain you should check out the later parade by hourafterhour on ao3 #love you bye x #30 microfics in 30 days #[insert keyboard emoji here]

[sovonight]

why is so much of sewing just tracing and cutting and tracing again q_q i see why people get projectors and use adobe illustrator now

#drawing up a design that i can easily pattern from my sloper: 😊 #actually having to make the pattern by tracing and cutting ad infinitum: 😰 #piecing together printer paper to get a big enough sheet of paper and doing this ten million times: 🥲😭 #not to mention the IRONING.... prewashing the fabric and having to iron 8 yards of fabric???? excuse me???? #and then distorting it as i iron bc it has a slight stretch and i got so tired i stopped being careful 2 yards in #and the way that you're supposed to press every seam... excuse me... am i just supposed to have my iron heated and on standby at all times #AND THE STEAM??? i just got stay tape the other day and thought it'd be a neat alternative to stay stitching #BUT IT NEEDS STEAM TO ACTIVATE (which okay makes sense) BUT long story short i'm too afraid to use the steam function #on my iron because none of us are sure if water should go back into a tank that's been in disuse for 30+ years #so instead i get this water spray pen and delicately spray down the length of each piece of stay tape #before i cover it with a piece of gauze and iron it. and then i have to iron it extra so all the water actually evaporates #oh and the spray pen holds as much water as half a pen so i have to walk to the kitchen every 10 sprays to refill it #and i have to do this for every curved edge on my pattern pieces #i mean the alternative is just stay stitching but then i would have to calibrate my settings for a single layer of fabric instead of double #which means i have to switch my needle out more and i'm still new enough that sometimes i install a needles wrong despite going through #all the same exact motions that i usually would. i'm LITERALLY suffering out here. anyway can't wait to sew or whatever #oh and did i mention i went to a sewing meetup recently? yeah... #everyone there bought like $30-$100/yard fabric and i was there awkwardly knowing i only buy like $12/yard fabric #honestly though i have the opposite problem people usually joke about. i find it So hard to find fabric i actually like #it needs to be the right fiber + right color + right pattern/texture + right weight + i have to know exactly what i'm going to make with it

[brutal-nemesis]

Goretober III: Hematemesis (Written By Nemesis)

This one funny to me haha Castys so miserable he super loves the @coyotehusk goretober

←Previous - Castys Masterlist - Goretober Masterlist - Next→

Ingredients: chocolate, emeto (blood!), poison, gore, noncon touching that is a little bit more intimate than normal but still unsexy

Today’s restraint of choice was a metal collar around his neck that was chained to the floor, and Castys wasn’t really a fan. Sure, it gave him more freedom of movement than the table or dangling on a hook, but it didn’t really matter when Kuro could pin all of his limbs down and still have her hands free, which was super unfair. And the chain attached to his collar was long enough to allow him to sit up, but he couldn’t stand at all, which he supposed was better than being forced to stand and not able to sit, but still. 

Right now, though, Kuro was sitting across from him, holding out what appeared to be a piece of chocolate. “Here, Castys. You deserve a little treat for being a good boy so far.”

“You know I’m, like, way older than you, right?”

“You’d be surprised,” she laughed. And hey, maybe she was pretty old, too, considering that he didn’t even know what exactly she even was.

He kind of wanted to refuse the chocolate on principle, but he was also not one to turn down a little treat, especially if it was candy. Warily, he took it, watching Kuro as he put it in his mouth, but she just watched him right back, unreadable as ever. The chocolate was good, and it’d been a long time since he’d had something sweet, or any food at all, really, so he tried to savor it, but the longer he kept it in his mouth, the more he started to taste something…odd.

He was a fucking idiot this wasn’t just chocolate of course it was laced with something-But as soon as he tried to spit it out, Kuro pounced on him, pinning his wrists next to his head, her hand covering his mouth. “Swallow, Castys. You deserve it, remember?” Castys tried to squirm free and spit what was left of the chocolate in her face, but Kuro didn’t budge, so he was forced to chew the rest of the chocolate and swallow, since it would just melt in his mouth if he kept it there. “There you go,” Kuro said, stroking his face and causing him to flinch, which of course just made her laugh. It was always so funny to everyone how much Castys hated being touched!

Finally, she got off of him, allowing Castys to sit up and scoot as far away from her as his short chain would allow. “What the fuck was in that?”

“We’ll see, won’t we?” Castys sighed in annoyance and crossed his arms, waiting for whatever stupid drug or poison she’d fed him to take effect. He felt fine at the moment, maybe a little chest pain, but…okay, it was starting to get worse. As time went on, the pain only got sharper, and he started to get nauseous, which wasn’t really unexpected but still not fun. 

Soon enough he really, really had to puke, but Kuro was still sitting there, just staring at him, and he didn’t want to give her the satisfaction. However, his stomach didn’t give a shit about Kuro, forcing him to lurch forward on his hands and knees and vomit. It sounded more…solid than he was expecting, like there were little bits of something in it, but it was hard to tell by looking at the dark puddle between his hands.

Having a Suspicion, he wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, and…yep, that was blood. “What’d you do to me?” he groaned, feeling even worse now that he’d thrown up, like the worst heartburn ever combined with an awful stomachache.

“It’s a special poison that sort of…destroys your stomach lining,” Kuro said lightly. “So your stomach acid is digesting you from the inside right now. I want to see if it’ll get fixed when you die.”

“It won’t.” Castys gave up and laid down on the cold stone floor, already feeling nauseous again. Well, this sucked ass. The acid was gonna eat through him no matter how many times he died until it…ran out? Did acid run out? Probably. Didn’t matter right now, he was gonna puke again, and he was barely able to get upright before even more blood spewed out of his mouth, splattering all over his arms and hands. 

Kuro laughed and picked up a little red chunk of something. “Ooh, I think this is part of your stomach. Looks like little pieces of you are coming up now instead of just blood clots.” Castys didn’t have the energy to reply, just lying curled up on his side as he coughed blood out of his nose and mouth, waiting for the next delivery of corroded bits from inside himself as the world spun out of focus.

He could hardly tell when he’d died or come back to life, the pain never really went away despite him having a stomach lining again since the rogue acid was no longer in his stomach. At some point Kuro tackled him so she could wrench his shirt up and look at the fun shade of purple his stomach area had turned, poking at it with interest. He’d stopped puking now and was just stuck lying there and groaning as his insides turned into soup.

It would stop eventually.

Right?

Next→

Castys Cult: @as-a-matter-of-whump​ @blackrosesandwhump​ @fanmanga1357-blog​​ @thehopelessopus​ @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi​ @hearse-song​ @muddy-swamp-bitch @whumpasaurus101 @yet-another-heathen​​ @galaxywhump​ @starnight-whump​ @his-unspoken-words​ @misspelledwitch​ @suspicious-whumping-egg​ @pumpkin-spice-whump​ @painsandconfusion​ @i-can-even-burn-salad​​ @befuddled-calico-whump​ @whumpinggrounds​ @whump-queen​ @whumpedydump​

#i wrote something #castys #kuro #goretober 2023 #immortal whumpee #gore #emeto #poisoning #noncon touching #bro takes a little treat an-NOT TODAY SUFFER BITCH #kuro is functionally a spider good for her #love that she can pin him down and still have her hands free it's so real #pinning down men is just great the other day my bf was like ''i feel like when we lay down you pin me down 30% of the time'' good. #castys is wearing a collar because when i see him im like PUT THAT BOY ON A LEASH #also i wanted him to be able to be ~on all fours~ as is the theme for this and that was the best restraint for a semi-free roaming Castys #and no im just not going to leave him unrestrained what are you an idiot. he does not deserve free movement #also it's very sexy when he's tied up that's just objectively true #but yeah i just wanted to do gory poison and what's more gory than uh guy digests his own self mmmm #see you next time for kuro's art corner #so SO glad i wrote this whole thing ahead of time i was at my friend's bachelor party for the past two days and im TIRED

[nerdnag]

Actual conversation between me and the coach I get to talk to through work, after I told her that I have impostor syndrome:

Her: how long have you worked in this field?

Me: seven years.

Her: and you still have a job.

Me: yes.

Her: you work in a relatively small company. People would notice if you were bad at your job, and it would NOT take seven years.

Me: ... Yeah but... I mean... I know I am somewhat competent at what I do. But I... I fake so much.

Her: what do you mean you "fake"?

Me: well... Like, in meetings. I have strategies for the social bits. Not like I follow a detailed step-by-step plan or anything, but there are these patterns that I follow. And also I often find myself struggling to reach my knowledge while in a meeting, so I have to either say I'll get back to them or improvise something. And some days, if I'm having a bad day or low energy, my usual strategies don't work as well, or at all. And then I feel like everyone can see through me, and see me flounder or stumble over myself and realize what a fake I am.

Her: ... So you have strategies to cope with things that are difficult for you as a neurodivergent person.

Me: yes...

Her: that, to me, doesn't show that you're an impostor. It shows that you are incredibly brave, strong and intelligent.

Me: ... What

Her: you wake up every single day and choose to face your fears, to challenge yourself and strive to develop as a person. You have come up with strategies to handle these fears, strategies which *work*. Sara, that's not what an impostor does. That's what a *genius* does.

Her: an impostor wouldn't work as hard as you do. Most people do *not* face their fears everyday and come up with strategies to manage them. And impostors definitely don't.

Me: what the actual huh

Me: ... But... But I don't feel like I have a choice. And surely people wouldn't hire a coach if they weren't interested in developing themselves?

Her: I coach a lot of clients, Sara. Believe me when I say that even those who do want to grow and develop themselves very rarely struggle with the sort of difficult issues that you do.

Me: ... Oh.

Her: that being said, I will absolutely get to the bottom of this impostor syndrome and help you manage it. Trust me, I will get you out of that mindset.

Me: ... ok 🥺

#Nagnerd #This coach is damn better than any therapist or psychologist I've ever gone to #It's the same coach who has managed to get me to wake up at 6:30 am every single work day and not suffer because of it #Also managed to get me to *actually plan* my life and not stress through it in complete chaos. #Impostor syndrome #Adhd #Autism

[haedgaf]

yeahhh let’s wrap this comeback up already it’s been enough, nothing to smile about here

#WALLAHI THEY HAVE MY RENJUNNIE FIGHTING A BATTLE EVERY DAY OF THIS COMEBACK 😭😭😭😭 #first it was renjun’s teasers getting delayed by 30 minutes like OFF TO A BAD START ALR #then it was that bbongsongeee account getting him dragged for a bit of weight gain 😭 #THEN THAT STUPID ‘FRIEND’ MC OF RENJUN CUTTING HIS SPEECH OFF HALFWAY #AND NOW YOU GOT FEARNOTS DICKRIDING THAT NIGGA TOO 😭😭 talking about ‘qrt w your fave chaemin clips’ #acting like he’s part of the group?? next level dickriding 😭😭 #AND NOW YOU GOT IVE FANS TRYING TO INVOLVE THEMSELVES TO GET A LITTLE LICK TOO UGHHH #just end our suffering and pass it onto namjoon or smth idk

[milkweedman]

Genuinely spending 2 hours a day just prepping the fiber, RIP

To be fair at least a third of that time is pushing the executive function button so I can start the next nest. They're unfortunately one of those activities that has enough steps that each one feels like it's own separate thing, so I have to Start Task each damn time. So there's a 5-10 minute cooldown between them.

Got 9 nests, I think (on top), middle is some fleece that's already had a lot of locks picked out so it's kind of jumbled, bottom is combing waste.

#That's how all fiber prep is for me... I bet if I was actually medicated it'd go faster #but what can you do. #anyway ive done similar things. 2021 tdf i was carding rolags as i went #but those are so much faster !!! like 2 minutes at most and usually closer to 30 seconds for a rolag that takes #around the same amount of time to spin as a nest of top #meanwhile the nests are 10 minutes each IF i have already picked the locks. which ive started doing bc it feels a little faster #and earlier this year i was spending an hour to an hour and a half before work every day combing southdown babydoll for sock yarn #but i was also spinning that up on supported spindles (i spin 3x slower on those than on my wheel) and over the course #of like a 10+ hour shift #so it felt a lot more reasonable #im combing more of this shetland per day than i was the southdown for sure #but yeah it spins up so much faster that its like. whole morning: combing #tiny but nice part of afternoon: actually spinning the top #idk a ton about how ancient people prepared their wool... definitely need to find some info bc it would be fascinating to know #but carding cloth is a pretty recent development in the grand scale of how long humans have kept sheep #so.... yeah i can imagine youd need like 4 kids combing the wool just to keep up with one experienced spinner #or else that one spinner is spending all damn morning prepping wool #its not a great nighttime activity bc if you cant see real well then your prep really suffers #easier to spin in the near dark than prep in the near dark by a long shot #idk ! cool to think about #im rly intruiged by sally pointers video on that blackthorn hand hackle thing (i cant remember the name RIP) #feels like it could comb wool too ? or at least you could try and then make something better when that failed #but a comb of some kind is just gonna be the easiest thing to make if nothing else ... #palm comb #tour de fleece #tour de fleece 2023 #wool prep

[orcinus-veterinarius]

You know my feelings on California’s orca law, but if it keeps Corky safe, then it might be worth it.

#apparently there’s a corky ‘documentary’ coming out #but instead of being a balanced look at her life #at what she’s endured #and suffered #but also how loved she is #the people she’s inspired #the family (orca and human) she's made #it’s just another free willy bid to take an elderly lady from her home #corky is 58 #she’s outlived her mother by several years #all the wild family she knew is dead #she’s blind in one eye with hearing loss and kidney disease #and missing most (if not all) of her teeth #she lives with the same orcas she’s spent 30+ years with #including calves she’s helped raise from the day they were born #orkid has been her surrogate daughter for 33 years #and despite her age-related health concerns she's still energetic and interactive #I mean she looks amazing #she's not suffering #and you think it’s better to take her away from that #to be alone??? #I’d like to think seaworld wouldn’t stoop to the level of the dolphin company #and I’ve personally met several of her vets and trainers #they would fight tooth and nail for her #but the law is an extra safety cushion #corky II #orcas #killer whales #seaworld

[shimamitsu]

it's so over. koyoharu gotouge you will pay i swear you will

#not even an hour an a half. #3 episodes for a 30 chapter long arc. yeah ok #ufotable your days are numbered. #why is shonen jump always the cause of my suffering

[ozlices]

my mom has repeatedly dismissed the idea that she has favorites between us, and yet earlier this year she literally admitted to my face that she's prioritized my abuser over me bc she's 'going through worse stuff'.

and constantly. fucking CONSTANTLY i have to hear abt my abuser, how much she's 'changed' and 'loves me' and 'wants a relationship with me' etc etc etc

and the most draining part of all of this is that i busted my ass for multiple fucking years to finally break the shackles off and get the fuck out of here, only for a selfish, heartless, absolutely piece of utter and complete shit to damn me back here.

and now, im stuck in this cycle again. where spending EIGHT HOURS on the phone trying to get my phone shit settled, and being at my absolute fucking limit bc on top of dealing w that crap, i had to listen to my abuser and her kids screaming at the top of their goddamn lungs for the past two days, and snapping to shut the fuck up,, gets me dealing w my mother holding a grudge w me.

bc 'oh let me have kids and then maybe ill understand' IT'S LIKE THIS EVERY SINGLE FUCKING TIME SHE'S OVER HERE. AND SHE WAS LIKE THIS BEFORE SHE FUCKING HAD KIDS. THE BRUNT OF MY ABUSER WAS LITERALLY BEING SCREAMED AT AND BERATED BY HER OVER STUPID SHIT.

/IM/ THE ASSHOLE FOR BEING INSISTENT THAT SHE HASNT CHANGED ?!?!? WHEN SHE LITERALLY HASNT FUCKING CHANGED!!!?!?!?!? SHE'S /WORSE/ NOW /BECAUSE/ SHE STILL HAD KIDS ANYWAY WHEN LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN HER LIFE WARNED HER NOT TO BC WE ALL KNEW SHE'D BE A SHITTY PARENT. AND WOW, HUGE SHOCKER, SHE IS!!!

i made the decision when i was VERY young, but also old enough to realize just how deep rooted my trauma runs & how much it affects my responses to stress & other shit, to not have human children bc i fucking KNEW. no matter how much i try to be a nice person, no matter how good my intentions try to be, i can be very nasty. i can be harsh. i can be snappy. i can be violent. i can be completely apathetic to how my actions affect other people when i'm angry enough.

i ACKNOWLEDGE that shit. i will be the first to admit when i probably went overboard, but i am so fucking sick of being put in a position where if i dont apologize for being fucking straight up verbally, emotionally, mentally, or even physically abused, & responding to that abuse like any fucking body would, ESPECIALLY a person who has existing trauma, im an asshole.

im so. fucking sick. of being alive. this year has broken me. it really, truly fucking has. i lost EVERYTHING. i dont even have a fucking doctor. i am back in the house all my trauma happened in, damned by someone i thought was my best friend who looked me dead in my eyes a month after my daughter died in my arms & told me damning me back to the house every traumatic thing ive ever gone to 'wasnt her problem'. & having to be put right back in the cycles i brutalized myself to get out of.

and the worst fucking part is that this year has left me in such shambles from stress, i physically cannot pick myself up anymore. my alters can't pick themselves up anymore. we are all so fucking burnt out, and it is so fucking draining to lie to ourselves that hope is worth it when we had it all stripped away from us repeatedly in such brutal ways. nonstop. i swear to the moon herself, i mean it when i say not one single day this entire year has been peaceful. has been free from some degree of pain, or straight up agony.

i am tired of beating myself up for being angry. i am tired of being berated by other people for being angry. FUCK all of that shit. this year, and the shitty people who refuse to fucking offer me the same empathy they DEMAND from me, have fucking destroyed me. and i DESERVE TO BE FUCKING PISSED OVER THAT SO I FUCKING WILL BE IM FUCKING PISSED FUCK THIS YEAR FUCK MY ABUSER FUCK HER GODDAMN DEFENDERS FUCK THE BITCH WHO DAMNED ME HERE FUCK MY ENTIRE LIFE IT'S NEVERENDING BULLSHIT AND IM TIRED OF ACTING LIKE ANYTHING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME WAS OKAY OR THAT I HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH IT!! NONE OF IT WAS OKAY!! IM NOT FUCKING OKAY WITH IT!! NOBODY FUCKING WOULD BE!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

#mine #vent #abuse mention// #i had to get all this out im literally so fucking pissed #i went to get food after starving all day bc my abuser was here #and my mom stood in the kitchen doorway and glared at me for almost a full minute #and when i snapped 'what' she cursed me out. bc. u know. #i fucking snapped hearing my abuser SCREAMING for two days straight. #oh but if /i/ have a meltdown where /i/ scream and throw a ~tantrum~? #then it's 'grow the fuck up. ur so immature'. #my sister is fucking 30 years old. and has NEVER fucking honed in her anger. EVER. #but IM the immature one here. not the 30 y/o with TWO CHILDREN WHO NEVER LEARNED TO CONTROL HER ANGER #im so done. #i literally bend over backwards being everyone's goddamn therapist #& then get told im a piece of shit when i too have human emotions & reactions to TRAUMA. #im done! im done. im done. #yall want a fucking apathetic snippy selfish piece of shit i always get framed as for being fucking burnt out after being brutalized #every goddamn day & losing everything in a year? fine. im done being a therapist for fucking free & suffering in silence alone #fuck this shit

[soft-serve-soymilk]

Wow I love asshole gay people (things have ALIGNED in the ASTRAL PLANE and Pav is WATCHING SOMETHING?? 🤯)

#Yeah it’s the scott pilgrim anime adaptation~ #I actually did see the film originally when I was like nine? I enjoyed the nerd vibes and completely missed ALL the subtext lmao #It was also one of my first experiences of Canada as a concept other than South Park (especially the SP Bigger Longer and Uncut film #which I ALSO was certainly too young for) #It’s kind of funny now having a friend who is actually from the mythical land of Canada 😂 Hi V #BUT ANYWAYS THIS ADAPTATION IS GREAT #Yeah it went bonkers off the rails but I’ve told you guys I LOVE it when the plot feels like it’s just snorted 30 grams of cocaine #Episode 5 is going to live in my head forever. I was howling. Mock documentaries are already a fav trope but that was on another level #I love Wallace too. Homosexual icon. I really do have a soft spot for asses with a charming veneer to them #It’s what I love so much abt soren fe too #I have yet to see how Inigo will spell himself out on the page but I think he’s mellowed out compared to his roots #His game needs some more spice. character. nuance. You don’t quite get it in wafty daydreams 🤔 #But from one tangent to another: I swear the next batch of head children whenever they come NEED to have just the silliest of times #YHNN was kind of locked in from the start— the inspiration was THE tragic musically-inclined anime of all time #And younger me just had some strange fascination with suffering and dystopia. So Sad LadsTM it was #But crack-fic is my thing and boy do I want it in my house. carnally #just pav things #Sry for disappearing for 4 days I forgot I actually have to reblog stuff on here 😅😂 I’m alive.