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pesterloglog · 5 months

Text

Rose Lalonde, Dave Strider

Act 5, page 3036-3044

-- tentacleTherapist [TT] began pestering turntechGodhead [TG] --

TT: Hi there.

TG: nak nak nak

TT: Don't mind me.

TT: I'm just waiting for that guy on the pile of sharp objects to wake up.

TG: THE GLASSES ARE TALKING AGAIN

TG: naknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknaknak

TT: If you don't stop nakking, I will turn you into a thorn bush.

TG: :V

TG: :(

TG: hey

TG: what just happened

TT: You fell asleep.

TT: Orange Bird Dave killed some monsters and flew away.

TT: Jade fired a bullet at an imp and vanished.

TT: And you woke up.

TG: oh yeah

TG: so shes here then

TT: Yes.

TG: is she ok what was going on there

TT: Yes, she's fine.

TG: i guess i should catch up with her

TT: You already are.

TG: i am

TT: Future you is.

TG: oh ok time travels involved

TG: thats all you needed to say everythings cool and under control then

TT: How was the nap?

TG: weird

TG: and kind of boring

TG: i was in your dream room for a while spying on you

TG: being all creepy and dream duplicitous and shit

TT: It's ok.

TT: I was being similarly wake duplicitous.

TG: whats with your book collection

TG: or

TG: dream book collection

TG: all your books are bizarre and terrible

TT: No, my books are great.

TT: I can recommend some good titles for the next time you're asleep.

TG: nah

TG: but yeah i understand defending your collection i guess if you were in my dream room and talking shit about my awesome dream portraits of dream stiller and dream snoop or whatever wed have to have a fucking talk

TT: Did you do anything on the moon besides rifle through my belongings?

TT: Such as remove your shades and turn your gaze Ringward, by any chance?

TG: oh

TG: yeah

TG: i did

TT: What did you see?

TG: horrible things

TT: Horribleterrible?

TG: yeah

TG: it was like

TG: peering through the dark portal of an eldritch red lobster

TG: and scoping out its all you can eat seafood buffet

TG: and

TG: when i saw them

TG: their voices became clearer

TT: What were they saying?

TG: i couldnt really focus on anything specific

TG: but

TG: in totality

TG: im pretty sure it was

TG: like

TT: ?

TG: a plea for help

TT: That's good.

TG: no it was disturbing

TG: so i slapped my shades back on

TG: went and perved up some sleeping girls room to take my mind of it

TT: It means they're reaching out to you.

TG: oh god why would i want that

TG: im not about to get molested by calamari with fucking teeth

TG: use your powers and like

TG: stroke a mummys paw or some horseshit and open a dark channel

TG: tell them to keep their lecherous flagella to themselves

TT: You're going to have to help them.

TT: Even if you don't like them.

TT: They're being massacred.

TT: Presently, already, and still to come.

TG: whats that mean

TT: It means time doesn't work rationally out there.

TT: Nor does space.

TT: But that doesn't change the reality of the threat.

TG: who cares if theyre getting killed

TG: theyre hideous and obnoxious

TT: You're underestimating the nature of the threat.

TT: At this point, the threat isn't to our session, or any given universe.

TT: It's to the perpetuation of reality itself.

TT: You wouldn't be saving them, per se.

TT: You'd be saving everything.

TG: oh ok cool

TT: They've revealed some of their secrets to me already, and given me a few errands to run.

TT: This is why you might have observed some unusual behavior from me.

TG: oh shit youre kidding

TG: no really are you serious i didnt even notice

TG: fuck mind = blown

TT: Once these convulsions of explosive laughter subside and finish rocking my very foundation,

TT: I might point out that you haven't really been as astute as you're implying.

TT: You've deliberately fogged your vision your entire life with ironic eyewear while awake, and while asleep, though perfectly alert, you've chosen to ignore your surroundings.

TT: But now that you've seen them, you have a choice to make.

TG: ok

TT: They will only tell me so much.

TT: They would like an audience with the prince of the moon as well.

TT: We are like the emissaries to what lies beyond this small bubble in their unfathomable dark foam.

TT: Derse skirts its edge, and during the lunar eclipse, we graze it, and that's when their intent for us becomes clear.

TT: I'm doing my part, but they have a mission for you as well.

TG: what am i supposed to do

TT: Listen to them.

TT: My understanding is,

TT: They will teach you how to navigate the unnavigable.

TT: The result should be a map.

TG: like

TG: a treasure map

TT: No.

TT: Something a little more astronomical.

TT: Like a star chart with no stars.

TT: Hence the challenge.

TG: why

TT: To plot a course through the Furthest Ring.

TG: plot a course to what

TT: The power source of the first guardians.

TG: oh right the green sun ok

TG: wait sorry

TG: i mean the Green Sun my bad

TT: Yes, that's much better.

TG: whats the deal with this thing

TG: i mean aside from giving jades dog his devil powers

TG: and by extension i guess jack

TT: What's the deal with it?

TG: yeah

TT: I don't know that there is a deal with it.

TT: Beyond the deal you just described.

TT: It is what it sounds like.

TT: A huge sun out in the literal middle of nowhere, and it is bright green.

TT: It is simply,

TT: The Green Sun.

TG: how big

TG: i need a sense of scale here

TG: is it like the size of our sun

TG: or bigger

TG: or is it only as big as like

TG: planet fucking jupiter

TT: It is nearly twice the mass of our universe.

TG: ok thats pretty fucking big

TG: see how important that contextualization was now i know how fucking impressed i should be

TG: i mean hopy shit thats huge

TT: Happy I could help.

TG: so ok i make a map to this thing

TG: with the help of a million rambunctious gross tentacle mutants

TG: and then i guess we go there for some reason

TT: Yes.

TG: why do we need a map

TG: cant they just

TG: tell us what direction its in

TG: point a spaceship that way

TG: blast off to adventure

TT: No.

TT: The geometry of the Furthest Ring is too complex.

TT: Remember, its spacetime is labyrinthine.

TT: In fact, it's not really accurate to call it spacetime at all.

TT: Since it is outside the domain of any created universe, where those properties have become instantiated and stabilized.

TG: i can kind of get that time is messed up there

TG: with like loops and causality paradoxes and shit like that

TG: being the knight of time here

TG: not really sure why navigating the space would be a problem though

TG: space isnt my thing remember

TG: what is it like

TG: full of wormholes or something

TT: It depends.

TT: The greater the distance you travel through it, the less reliably time flows.

TT: And the more time you spend in it, the less reliably space behaves.

TT: Time and space aren't as different as you might think.

TG: i thought you werent supposed to know shit about either

TG: seeing as youre the seer whatever that means

TT: I think it means I'm supposed to know shit about the big picture.

TT: Which includes tidbits like that.

TT: But the insides of my shoes stay free from the grit of the minutia.

TG: fair enough

TG: so i take my map and fly to this thing

TT: No, I do.

TG: ok you fly to it

TG: then what

TT: That depends on if John is successful.

TG: you mean with the quest youre sending him on

TT: Yes.

TG: is there anything you do thats not sending dudes on quests

TT: Nothing whatsoever.

TG: so hes got to get the cancer out of skaia right

TT: Yes, The Tumor.

TG: yeah

TG: so whats The Tumor do

TG: i mean the tumor

TG: jesus can we stop with the fancy colored text bullshit

TT: I guess so.

TT: I thought it was more fun that way.

TG: well ok you can keep doing it then

TT: Thanks.

TT: The Tumor is quite a large growth at the center of the battlefield.

TT: He won't be able to remove it without fully realizing his abilities.

TG: ok cool what is it

TT: Can you promise you won't tell him?

TT: It would probably make him more nervous than he needs to be if he knew.

TG: ok i wont say anything

TG: just tell me

TT: It's a bomb.

TT: It is set to detonate precisely when the reckoning ends.

TT: This is how long we have to put this plan into motion.

TG: what the hell is a bomb doing in there

TT: It could be a feature of any session not meant to bear fruit.

TT: A means to wipe out a null session rather than leaving it lingering in paradox space for eternity.

TT: Or it could be a mutation specific to our session.

TT: I really don't know.

TG: first time for everything i guess

TG: seriously whered you get all this info

TG: did you get it all from the gods

TG: are these just a bunch of orders youre following

TT: Not exactly.

TT: They've urged me in certain directions and guided my exploration.

TT: I've obtained some answers from them, but ultimately, this idea is mine.

TT: Plus, I have other sources.

TT: One in particular has been quite illuminating.

TG: what

TT: I've been referring to him as an informant, when people ask.

TT: Which isn't often.

TG: what you mean a troll

TT: No.

TT: It's a man who exists in another universe.

TT: He wants to die.

TG: sounds like a really credible dude sign me up for trusting everything he says

TT: Only as credible as the omniscient tend to be.

TG: oh so he knows everything

TT: Yeah, I think that's what omniscient means.

TT: But maybe I'll ask him about that, since he's the omniscient one.

TG: even if he is omniscient which he probably isnt what if hes just lying

TT: He says he doesn't lie.

TT: For some reason, I believe him about that.

TT: He's a convincing fellow.

TG: whys he want to die

TT: He no longer has a purpose now that he's done everything required to summon his master.

TT: As a first guardian, he's completely indestructible.

TT: Well, almost completely.

TG: wait

TG: what

TT: His power is derived from the same source as Earth's guardian.

TT: And conveniently, that of our nemesis as well.

TG: ok i get it now

TT: When John delivers the tumor,

TT: And I do mean The Tumor,

TT: I and I alone will navigate the Furthest Ring.

TT: And I will destroy the sun.

TT: By which I do mean the GREEN MOTHER FUCKING SUN.

TT: And in case it wasn't clear,

TT: I won't be coming back.

TG: whoa fuck

TG: a suicide mission are you serious

TG: no bullshit thats not happening

TG: hey look suddenly everything we just talked about was useless because its time to make a plan that doesnt fucking suck

TT: Let's not be so dramatic.

TT: I was talking about my dream self.

TT: She's the one who won't be returning.

TG: oh

TG: haha yeah thats fine i guess

TG: those fuckers are all kinds of mad expendable

TG: way to leave me hanging there

TG: for someone whos saying lets cool it on the drama the whole i wont be coming back thing is a pretty theatrical bombshell

TG: for future reference

TT: That's true.

TT: Your outburst was pretty sweet though.

TG: yeah i know

TG: so when do i do my thing

TG: make this map

TG: which i guess is just like

TG: a solid black piece of paper

TG: this is going to be fucking stupid isnt it

TT: If there's one thing you have more than any of us, it's time.

TT: So, whenever you like.

TT: As long as conventionally speaking, it's quite soon.

TG: alright

TG: so

TG: dog it as long as possible

TG: then travel back to about now and go to sleep

TT: Sure.

TT: And if you have trouble going to sleep, maybe you can ask your patron troll to trick the telepathic one into putting you to sleep again.

TG: what

TT: Each of us seems to have a troll infatuated with helping us. Haven't you noticed?

TG: no

TT: What about the psychopath who's currently helping you?

TG: oh yeah terezi

TG: no shes cool

TT: Isn't that camaraderie blossoming into some sort of interspecies whatever?

TG: its blossoming into an interspecies partnership in incredibly shitty cartooning

TG: what do you mean get her to trick someone into putting me asleep again

TG: when did that happen

TT: Just now.

TG: who did that

TT: That would be John's patron troll.

TG: god

TG: fuckin trolls

TG: too many of them who can even keep track of this shit

TG: which ones yours

TG: is it the absurd juggalo one that would be hilarious

TT: There's a juggalo one?

TG: yeah see what i mean

TT: She's contacting me now actually.

TG: oh ok

TG: well im suddenly not interested so go talk to your fairy god troll

TG: ill be over here paving the way for your elaborate dream suicide

TG: when i feel like getting around to it i mean

TT: Thanks.

TG: later

-- turntechGodhead [TG] ceased pestering tentacleTherapist [TT] --

#homestuck #rose lalonde #dave strider #homestuck act 5 #page 3036 #page 3037 #page 3038 #page 3039 #page 3040 #page 3041 #page 3042 #page 3043 #page 3044 #homestuck act 5 act 2

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