#365 days of rejection

[otrtbs]

y'all. Y'ALL IN 18 DAYS ART HEIST BABY TURNS ONE

#WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #A YEAR? #365 DAYS #actually this time one year ago i was sobbing in my dorm room bc my DREAM law school rejected me xx #in another life im in new york city rn which is hot but #i also wouldn't be getting a masters degree or be in scotland so #it all works out for the best #but jesus christ a year has gone by so quickly and so much has happened. if only i could tell past nat what's in store for her #she'd probably freak out tho. LMFAOO #and i am still going to law school but that's a convo for another time <- just had 2 put that out there tho #nat speaks #art heist baby!

[blackexcellence]

Welcome to Black Excellence 365, where we celebrate all things Black and Excellent every day of the year. This month, for March, we will be taking a look at a new theme and source of pride & expression: Hair ✂️.

This month is all about hair, and its importance to Black style, culture, music, history, politics, and, most of all, Black Excellence. Black hair is an essential part of the Black experience. You name it, we’ll look at, explore, and celebrate it: cornrows, box braids, natural coils, knotless braids, goddess braids, twists, pixie crops, locks, wavy hair, crochet braids, and everything in between. Black hair goes hand-in-hand with every aspect of Black life and touches every corner of the world. Care for Black hair is a labor of love ❤️and a long, long process that involves washing, detangling, combing, oiling, braiding, twisting, and decorating the hair, which creates not just a sense of beauty but honors its spiritual power. And this legacy lives on today across Black life. In the 60s, the Afro was a big expression of Black power, pride, connection, and revolution popular with artists, performers, youth, and activists. Some artists would use their hair as an expression of art, as they do today, while young Black Americans would ‘fro their hair to emulate the style of the civil rights heroes like the Black Panthers and convey Black pride, as pioneered by the Queen, Angela Davis. Since that time, Black hair has become a symbol of celebration, a reminder of our roots, and a call to embrace heritage while politically rejecting Eurocentric ideals. Today, the Natural Hair Movement is carried with pride and power. Black hair has always been political — in the same vein, in 2019, The Crown Act (sign the petition|email your legislator) was passed as a starting point to support Black Folx in their appreciation of their hair — their CROWN 👑. Whatever the period, whatever the style, It is all Black Excellence and is here to be celebrated 24/7. 

But BE365 is nothing without you: so POST your favorite hairstyles, iconic Black cuts, shapes, and styles, and your cutting-edge hairdressers and stylists who turn Black hair into art, and Black Excellence. And don’t forget to tag your content with #blackexcellence365 for the chance to be featured. And last but not least, join us for our celebration and of the very best in Black hair of every shape and every style. Make sure you join in, follow, and smash that share button using the tag #BlackExcellence365. 

Welcome to March in #BlackExcellence365 ✊🏿✊🏾✊🏽!

#blackexcellence365 #blackjoyisblackexcellence #blackjoy #blackexcellence #black exceelence #black excellence 365 #all black everything #celebrating black history #black history matters #black history #black culture #black lives matter #today in black excellence #black tumblr #blktumblr #celebrating black hair #black hair

[walkawaytall]

I really wish there was more interest in how to handle ADHD other than just addressing the symptoms that affect the people around us.

Like, the best pharmaceutical treatment we have right now is stimulants, and I agree that being on stimulants 24 hours a day, 365 days a year is probably not good for your body. Hell, I’m on a less-than-ideal dose of my medication from a concentration perspective because the ideal dose had my resting heart rate sitting at a cool 115BPM. I know taking med holidays is important. I know all of this.

But because ADHD isn’t just an attention problem (or may not actually be an attention problem at all at its core), it sucks that the only time period medical professionals seem to be concerned about treating are the “important” times: the length of a school or workday. Forget the fact that ADHD affects executive function, forget the fact that people with ADHD often experience chronic and unending anxiety and/or depression as a result of the ADHD, forget that there are important times that have nothing to do with an 8-hour school or work day, forget the rejection sensitivity dysphoria, the sensory issues that make things like clothing, food, and group situations a nightmare to try to navigate, the household stuff that has to be taken care of outside of the 8-hour school or work day. It feels like none of that matters because it doesn’t affect a group of fifteen or more people.

On top of ADHD, I have been plagued with anxiety-related issues for the majority of my life. I likely have a form of OCD and I have a history with a restrictive eating disorder; both of those conditions are very closely associated with high levels of anxiety. I’ve been on anxiety medications before. I was first given an as-needed medication that took the edge off but also made everything feel a little fuzzy, like there was a pane of glass between me and the rest of the world; I was put on an SSRI that somehow made my OCD-related intrusive thoughts about 50x worse than usual and had me wondering at one point if I should be hospitalized; and I’m currently on buspirone, which is doing what it’s supposed to do without the side effects of the others thankfully. But nothing, and I mean nothing, has reduced my anxiety as much as my ADHD medication.

Two hours after my first stimulant dosage, I just suddenly didn’t feel on-edge any more. I estimate that being on ADHD medication has reduced my anxiety by about 70% (buspirone’s for the other 30%). I started taking it in the summer of 2020 and I remember, in 2021, when I saw my boss in person for the first time since lockdown, he remarked on how much more confident I seemed, how I was more likely to speak up in meetings, etc. And I was like…yeah, man, it’s a wonder what not feeling anxious every second of every day will do for someone.

ADHD affects so much more of my life than just attention and anxiety, too. I have sensory issues with mine, which is pretty common, and they make eating — an already sometimes-complicated task due to the ED history — difficult at times because, while I can eat foods that I don’t particularly like, if something is what I call “the bad texture”, I will gag no matter how hard I work to overcome it (believe me, I’ve tried). And my brain sometimes decides that foods that were previously fine are now “the bad texture” and they may or may not shift back to being okay eventually; I don’t know.

The sensory issues affect me socially. My therapist and I have recently come to the conclusion that I’m probably not actually an introvert, but if I’m around larger groups, that means noise and movement and probably being touched, and too much of that causes my brain to either freak out or shut down. I used to always say, “I love people, but when I’m done, I’m done.” And that was likely because the overstimulation was building and building in the background, and at a certain point, my brain would just be like, “We gotta get outta here.” I was Queen of Irish Goodbyes for a very long time because of this.

And the executive dysfunction affects…well..everything? Not just work, not just school (but also those because if my environment is chaotic, my brain feels chaotic, and it is difficult to maintain a non-chaotic environment if you keep getting stuck on order of operations when picking up a room).

I’m not saying that I want to be on longer-lasting stimulants or that I want to be on the higher dose that I know helps my concentration more, cardiovascular system by damned. What I’m saying is, I wish treatment research had been more holistic rather than just figuring out what would give teachers and managers an easier time despite what the person with ADHD might be dealing with as soon as their meds wear off.

Maybe current research is working on it; I don’t know. I just know that, the older I get, the more frustrated I am with my brain and the more apparent the deficiencies I used to be able to counteract with pre-chronic-illness energy and crushing perfectionism become, and I wish there was an answer to this that actually helped me most of the time rather than forcing me to pick which parts of my day/week is “important” and making sure I’m medicated for those parts.

#adhd #adult adhd #adhd combined #adhd problems #actually adhd #adhd treatment

[notmaplemable]

Jaune: Hello everyone and welcome to my end of year dating overview.

Jaune: As you can see on this slide, I was single for 365 out of 365 days this year.

Jaune: And was rejected 97 times.

Jaune: And I think it's pretty obvious that no woman will ever love me and I'm going to die alone.

Jaune: So I'm becoming a monk and I'm going to go live in the mountains or somewhere cool like that.

#rwby #rwby shitpost #jaune arc

[watanabes-cum-dump]

I didn't know you were also a ffxiv fan!! If you have any thoughts on yandere ffxiv characters, I would LOVE to hear them.

Like, zenos is obvious, but I totally have some thoughts on others 👀👀

YES YANDERES YESYESYESYESSSSSSS

Yandere Haurchefant is hopelessly devoted to you. Sure it's not super different from regular Haurchefant who is Down Bad™ for WOL but I think here it becomes more of an obsession. Is he capable of holding you down? No, you're the Warrior of Light for twelve's sake. He couldn't lock you away if he tried. His resolve? Be around you 24/7. And I MEAN 24/7 365 12 months a year. Bro worships the ground you walk on and I really do think he would have joined the Scions if you know... the Vault didn't happen. Having his devotion might be a blessing or a curse, bc he is NOT letting you out of his sight. Attachment issues fr fr. Honestly I don't think he'd do anything super insane. Like yeah he'd kill for you, but he'd do that normally. And he's not doing it just bc he wants to or whatever. If you're ever threatened or god forbid, hurt- someone is going to taste the steel of his blade. Yandere Haurchefant is just regular Haurchefant with a little added insanity and unhinged-ness. Maybe he's extra horny too, bit of a pervert that one.

Now, Yandere Aymeric is giving me many thoughts thanks to this fic called Captivate so though I am a firm subscriber to the idea that literally only Zenos might be able to lock up WOL, I can also make an exception to Aymeric because of this fic. Please read it this changed my feelings for Aymeric. Though, Aymeric locking you up would also require him to have a sadistic streak, which he doesn't really have and this fic itself also feels like an AU where Aymeric actually caved in and became a piece of shit due to his upbringing. However, my personal idea for Yandere Aymeric is that via his political power, he pushes you to be with him. Of course, he only does this if you reject his advances at first. He would 100% find a way to force you in a semi-political marriage with him. Like I said before, no one can hold WOL down, but, he can keep you on a leash. No matter how long, he can always reel you back in if he wants to. I think he would harbor a bit of guilt personally. Like, he knows it's unhealthy, he knows it's hurting you- but he just wants you so damn bad. And he tries to make it up to you with gifts and whatnot, but at the end of the day, your collar, no matter how gilded and comfortable, is still a collar. And the Lord Commander had the leash.

#rlly wanted to do estinien but idk i don't see him like that #personally i think he's a little too emotionally constipated to act on his desires idk #he's so found family i love him <3 #actually in general i wanted to do more characters but haurchefant and aymeric r just constantly on my mind #i mean y'shtola and ysale are too but idk i can't see em like that #maybe bc i can only see a man being so unhinged and borderline cruel to someone he proclaims he loves #but that is a whole other thing to unpack lmao #ffxiv #haurchefant x reader #aymeric x reader #yandere ffxiv #ffxiv x reader #haurchefant greystone #aymeric de borel #haurchefant x wol #aymeric x wol #oh also i literally just started stormblood so yeah #kouryuu answers

[catdotjpeg]

A fragile, seven-day truce came to an end on Friday morning. According to Mondoweiss counting, Israel killed at least 20 Palestinians in Gaza, the West Bank, and East Jerusalem during the temporary ceasefire, while detaining more Palestinians than were released during the hostage swap that took place during the same period. Throughout the ceasefire, Israel repeatedly stated its intention to resume the war, but ultimately accused Hamas of breaking the terms of the truce today. Qatar, which has led mediation efforts between Israel and Hamas, expressed “deep regret at the resumption of the Israeli aggression against Gaza” on X (formerly Twitter), while adding that negotiations were still ongoing to return to another temporary pause in fighting. [...] Senior Hamas spokesperson Osama Hamdan told Al Jazeera that “every day in the past seven days of the temporary ceasefire, Israel was acting in a way to undermine the whole process.” However, he added that “the solution is not to have a truce. The real solution is to find mechanisms to put an end to this occupation.” Israeli forces resumed their relentless pummeling of the Gaza Strip on Friday, with at least 109 Palestinians killed by airstrikes since Friday morning. Israeli bombardment pummeled the tiny Palestinian enclave, and WAFA reported airstrikes in Jabalia refugee camp in northern Gaza, in the Bureij, Nuseirat, and Maghazi refugee camps in central Gaza, in the Shuja’ya, Assqoula, and al-Zaytoun neighborhoods in Gaza City, and in Rafah, Khan Younis, Abasan, and Yibna refugee camps in the southern Gaza Strip, as well as along the coast. Meanwhile, aid is no longer entering through the Rafah crossing with Egypt. The Ministry of Health spokesperson in Gaza, Ashraf al-Qidra, warned on Friday that the health situation was “extremely catastrophic” due to Israeli forces’ targeting of medical facilities and severe shortages in medical supplies, particularly in northern Gaza, where very little aid has been received during the truce. “The remaining three hospitals in Gaza and the north are small and not qualified to receive large numbers of wounded,” Qidra stated. [...] Intent on showing the world its magnanimity as it restarts bombing a traumatized, injured, and starving people, the Israeli army made public on Thursday a map of Gaza divided into numbered zones, which it said were individual areas that it would use to notify Palestinian civilians of active fighting, calling on Palestinians to follow their instructions and evacuate said areas when requested. While Mondoweiss could not individually count the zones identified on the map, it saw areas labeled as high as 2,280. If there are indeed this many numbered zones mapped out in Gaza, which is only 365 square kilometers, it would make the average zone a mere 160 square meters — making it difficult for Palestinians to keep track of where they are on this map, while making it easy for Israeli forces to argue that civilian deaths are justified if Palestinians do not comply with their evacuation orders.  [...] Al Jazeera reported on Friday that Israeli forces had dropped leaflets over Khan Younis in the southern Gaza Strip, where hundreds of thousands of Palestinians have been internally displaced, calling on civilians to evacuate even further to Rafah. Israeli authorities have made no secret of their desire to ethnically cleanse Gaza and force Palestinians into Egypt, an option Cairo has rejected.

-- From "‘Operation Al-Aqsa Flood’ Day 56: Truce ends, Israel kills over 100 in Gaza" from Mondoweiss, 1 Dec 2023

#palestine

[fanofspooky]

365 horror movies day 311:

The Devil’s Rejects

“If you're gonna start the killing, you best start it right here. Make sure I'm all the way dead, because I'll come back and make you my bitch!”

#horror #horror movies #horror movie #movie #gifs #gif #horror gif #horror gifs #movies #my gif post #title #title card #movie title #my gif #my gifs #my gif posts #horror movie gifs #horror movie gif #the devil’s rejects #devil’s rejects #Rob zombie #sid haig #sheri moon zombie #bill moseley #captain spaulding #2000s horror movie #2000s horror movies #2000s horror #2000s #2000s movie

[berryunho]

THE ANSWER: XXI

Kim Hongjoong doesn’t like the word ‘cult.’ He prefers ‘sect.’ pairing: ateez x fem reader genre: cult au, thriller, angst check warnings on AO3

← previous || next → || masterlist chapter word count: 10,498

And thus started a terrible string of days.

Everyday felt like a repeat of the last. Whether you had book club with Hongjoong or Seonghwa was really the only continual surprise. Everything else was pre-planned and done to a T. 

How everyone here lived like this 24/7, 365, you had not even close to an inkling. 

Without being able to go anywhere or do anything without San, it was quite difficult to manage any sort of entertainment. You still weren't even working. While it wasn't your favorite thing in the world, at least it could’ve got you out of the damn apartment and around some different people. 

The way things are going now, you hardly have anyone that you can talk to besides San. That’s not to say that San is the worst conversation partner you’ve ever had (quite the contrary, in fact), but it’s getting to be rather… isolating. 

You haven’t spoken to Mingi since your fight, the weight of which still bears heavy on your shoulders. Both the things that you said and the things that he said have been repeated hundreds of times over in your mind; you’d be able to reenact the whole exchange if asked. Of course you said things that you’ve come to regret, hell, you regretted saying the words as soon as they had escaped you. 

You feel terrible. That is ultimately what that fight comes down to.

Terrible for the things you said, terrible for the things that you didn’t. Terrible over the things that Mingi said to you, terrible over the way that he cried and told you that he’s scared. 

There are many things that you regret in your life. The decision to come to this farm is definitely one of them. But the decision to look for Mingi was intertwined with that decision. You can’t help but wonder if Mingi would be in a better position if you hadn’t come looking. He seemed perfectly happy when you arrived. He told you himself that he had never wanted you to come. Could things have been better for the both of you if you had just let it go? 

Hindsight is 20/20. As upset as you are, you know that it doesn’t do well to dwell on the past. There isn’t anything that you can do to change your decisions, so there isn’t any reason to continue questioning them. Whether it was for the best or not, you’re here. And you can’t change that. At least not at your own discretion. 

As rational as knowing that you can’t change the past is, and as much as you do believe it with the logical side of your brain… that’s not how it works. Instead, you spend most of your ‘alone’ time wishing that you could take back the entire thing. Wishing that you could go back to the first time Mingi had directly asked you about a romantic relationship— the day in the school cafeteria that had scared you so badly you were nearly sick. 

When Mingi had asked how you would feel about being romantic with him, the answer felt so obvious. Of course your relationship wasn’t like that and never would be. Why would it? But the look in his eyes, the crack of his voice, his explosion of emotion, it had all scared you. Clearly, Mingi didn’t find the idea as ridiculous as you had, and it scared you. Not Mingi’s emotions, not really, but your reaction to his emotions. Had you ruined your friendship by laughing at his question? If you had thought for a second longer, would you have agreed that you could’ve seen your relationship being more than friendly? 

You were nauseated by your thoughts. These questions had plagued you for the few hours following that conversation, the few hours that Mingi had ignored all of your texts. 

But they quickly disappeared after Mingi called you to apologize for his outburst. He explained his feelings on the matter (that he didn’t want a romantic relationship, either, he was just a bit hurt by your decisive rejection) and your questions were shoved to the back of your mind. 

Things between the two of you had been normal, then, if only for a little bit. Because he left shortly after. Or disappeared. You still can’t decide which is the more proper verb for the action. Saying ‘disappearance’ tends to imply an unwillingness from the participant; he had left willingly. But he had disappeared from your life, an unwillingness on your own part. So there’s a bit of truth in both. 

You had been kind of hoping that this situation would work out like the last ‘fight’ that the two of you had. Unfortunately, this fight was exponentially worse than the last one had been, and it didn’t seem like your stalemate would be ending any time soon. 

Though you wouldn’t have had the opportunity to talk to him in private anyhow, you had hardly even seen Mingi since the fight. It must be by his design; he manages to escape your perception at every turn. Everytime you think that you might catch a glimpse of his fiery hair, he disappears before you can even comprehend the flash. You can’t even count the amount of times that you’re flung your head around, hoping to find his bright head again. 

Even finding him at service or in the cafeteria was difficult. Though you could typically spot him in service, San still insisted on seating the two of you at the very front of the chapel, and you couldn’t very well sit backwards for the entire service just to stare at an ignorant Mingi. 

And it appears to you that Mingi had started taking his meals in his room. You might see him in the serving line if you were lucky, but rarely were you able to spot him sitting at a table. You did see Yunho around, and you had half a mind to plead with him to pass a message along to Mingi, but you haven’t reached that level of desperation. Not yet, at least. 

One sure occasion where you could see Mingi wasn’t really an occasion at all. While cooped up in your apartment, you had realized that you could see out your living room window into one of the corn fields near the front of the property. Though harvest hadn’t started yet, you could often find Mingi (by hair alone) walking the perimeter of the field, sometimes disappearing into the stalks. You had no clue what he could possibly be doing, but that wasn’t the point. And, admittedly, maybe it was a little creepy of you to be watching him from your window, but you did it anyway. Because you wanted to see him. 

You have so many conflicting emotions about the whole issue. You wish that Mingi wasn’t avoiding you, for many different reasons. You wish that you could apologize, that the two of you could have a civil conversation and work out your feelings. 

…But you also wish that he was searching you out, only so that you could be as cold to him as he’s being to you. Maybe it’s childish, but Mingi had hurt you just as much as you imagine you had hurt him. Part of you doesn’t want to be the one to apologize first, doesn’t want to be the bigger person and admit to your mistake. Part of you wants Mingi to realize his own mistakes and own up to them first. 

Yeah. Childish. That’s the perfect word for it. 

Childish is exactly the word for Mingi’s behavior, considering he’s the one doing what you wish you could be doing. God, it almost makes you mad all over again! If he was just being an adult about all of this, if he had just been an adult in the first place, way back in university, maybe the two of you wouldn’t even be on this forsaken farm. 

You reach to your left to slide the curtain across the window, maybe a little more aggressively than planned, blocking out the view of the corn field you had been staring at for God knows how long. Forget Mingi. Whatever.

Turning your attention from the window, you opt to look over at San. He’s typing away on his laptop. You know that, if you asked, he would say that he’s working on a spreadsheet. What spreadsheet is the true mystery. Though he typically told you that he’s working on a harvest spreadsheet, you had… maybe taken a couple peeks while he was otherwise indisposed. 

And he has a lot of spreadsheets. Some are definitely harvest related. But most of them are much weirder than that. Recruitment spreadsheets. Excursion spreadsheets. ‘Ascension’ spreadsheets. Contact spreadsheets. Some of them had absolutely no discernable purpose, cleverly coded to ward off anyone that could be snooping, like yourself. Why San would be working with information that’s so sensitive that it needs to be in code… you don’t want to consider. 

It was unsettling, to say the least, when you had found them. Of course, you never brought them up to San, despite how badly you wanted to hear about these so-called ‘excursions.’ The spreadsheet had dates, names, prices, and an inventory of sorts, and you’re sure that it must mean that there are groups that go into town. That could be a very valuable bit of information to have. 

“San.” You call to catch his attention. You have an idea in mind for relieving your boredom. 

He turns quickly toward the sound of your voice. “Yes?” 

“I’m bored.” 

San frowns, “Why’s that?” 

“There’s nothing to do.” Sighing, you stand to go join him at the table. You slide into the seat next to him, trying to subtly take a glance at his screen. 

He smiles as you fold your arms over your chest. “You could read The Answer.” He nods his head toward the living area, your copy of the book sitting precariously on the arm of the couch. 

You squint at him, raising an eyebrow in response. 

“No?” He smiles wider, a playful tone in his question.

You shake your head. 

“You could…” he looks around the room, searching for something to offer you. “Take a nap?” 

That idea is tempting, but not the one that you’re looking for. You shrug your shoulders.

“I could dump you with Seonghwa?” 

You speedily shake your head. “That would be worse than being bored.”

“Hmmmm,” he closes his laptop as he starts. “We could go for a walk? I have some errands to run, anyhow.”

Bingo. “Perfect! Yes!” You smile in excitement, both by the prospect of getting outside and that you managed to get San to propose just what you had wanted. “But can we swing by the infirmary?” 

San had started to stand, but halts when you ask. “Are you okay?” His concern is immediately evident in his voice, his eyes searching you up and down for any sign of injury. 

“Oh, yeah, yeah,” you stand with him, ushering with your hands for him to continue moving. “I’m fine, yeah. I, uh, just wanna talk to Nayeon.” 

San nods in understanding then, sliding his chair back under the table once he’s fully stood up. He ducks into the bedroom as you start toward the door, emerging with two jackets. He offers one to you, mentioning that the weather is getting colder.

But you deny the jacket. It’s really not that cold. It’s only cold in the way that fall feels a bit chilly after the extremes of summer, but it’s not anything that you can’t take. Really. 

San tries insisting that you take it, but you keep denying. “Really, San, I’ll be fine. We won’t be outside for that long, anyhow, right?” 

He shrugs, finally conceding that you’ll probably be okay. He puts his own jacket on, however, shrugging it over his shoulders as you open the apartment door and head into the hallway. San emerges right after you, shutting the door behind himself. 

The two of you don’t make it very far down the hallway before you have your first interruption. 

“What are you two kids up to?” Seonghwa’s voice cuts down the hall, stopping the both of you in your tracks.

It’s annoying how much authority Seonghwa commands. And how well he does it. 

You swing around to face him. “Just going on a walk.” San is slower to turn around, though he follows suit, nodding his head.

Seonghwa smiles. “Sounds romantic.” He’s clearly teasing, but it makes you mad anyways. “Do I need to tell Hongjoong that your relationship is reaching a new level?” That one really makes you mad. Seonghwa and his fucking power-trips.

Before you have the opportunity to say what you really want to say, though, (something along the lines of ‘fuck you you’re a freak you don’t scare me’ etc.), San takes the lead. “Absolutely not, Seonghwa, but thanks for watching out for us.” To his credit, San doesn’t seem too happy about Seonghwa’s antics, either. A certain sarcasm clings to his words. “We wouldn’t want (Y/n) punished over any misunderstandings.”

Seonghwa’s eyes widen a bit with San’s response. “You sound defensive, San.” 

San scoffs. For a second you can hardly believe that the sound came from San and not yourself. “Seonghwa, honestly, you can’t intimidate me. And I won’t stand for you trying to intimidate (Y/n), either. You know what she is to us.” 

The smile quickly fades from Seonghwa’s face, replaced by a scowl. “You sound just like Hongjoong.” 

“Thank you.” 

“Do you need anything else, Seonghwa?” You ask, a bit exasperated with the direction of the conversation. 

He frowns, looking like he wants to say something but is able to think better of it. “Have fun on your walk.” Seonghwa opens the door to his apartment, slamming it shut behind him once he’s inside. 

You turn to San, an impressed look on your face. “That was kind of badass, San.” 

He only looks at you for a moment, quickly turning away as the two of you start walking down the stairs. You could swear that his face looks a little flushed. “Thank you, (Y/n).” He clears his throat. “But, really, you shouldn’t let Seonghwa mess with you, ever. He’s a dick.” San sounds sincerely angry as he says this, as if his mind is off in another place.

You’re nearly stunned into silence as he says this, your mouth falling open for a moment. “Wow. Okay.” 

Though he’s not facing you, you can see a sheepish grin spreading across his face when you glance over at him. “That was kinda cool of me.” 

You wack his shoulder gently, laughing with him. 

There’s a comfortable silence between you as you reach the front door without any other interruptions. Ever the gentleman, San pulls the door open for you, gesturing for you to go ahead of him. You do, stepping outside only to be greeted by a blast of autumn air. Though the wind isn’t strong, it certainly contains a briskness that makes a shiver run over you. You restrain the impulse, however, remembering how insistent you were about not needing a jacket. No going back now.

San puts a gentle hand on your back, urging you further outside as he also steps out. You’re aware of the fact that he’s loath to lay hands on you without your permission, but he’s also got to listen to Hongjoong. Not that you would try to run right now, but, if you did, San would get his ass handed to him for not holding onto you. He gives you an apologetic smile as you turn your face toward him, though you shrug to show that you don’t mind. Truly, anything is better than the way that Seonghwa would be yanking you. 

The walk to the infirmary is not a long one, but it is past the chapel, farther than you’ve been from the compound since… well… 

The jaunt takes only a minute or two, which, again, passes mostly in silence. When you spend nearly 24/7 days with someone, it’s natural for your conversation to lapse. Or, at least, that’s what you’re telling yourself. Maybe San finds the silence unbearably awkward, but you don’t mind it at all. 

As you walk past the nearest field, you can’t stop yourself from trying to spot the bright red of Mingi’s hair. He had been in this area only, what, 15 minutes ago? You try to not make it obvious, but San senses your motivations anyhow.

“He’s probably in one of the barns.” His statement doesn’t hold any connotations. It’s simply that: a statement. 

You nod, only slightly embarrassed that you were seen through so easily. The embarrassment doesn’t last long, however, as you’re soon pulling the door of the infirmary open and letting yourself in.

The space is just as you remember it. The long hallway with its few doors and even fewer windows. You poke your head into the first room, pleased to see that there are no patients holed up on any of the beds. You’re equally as pleased to see Nayeon’s back as she stands on her tip-toes, attempting to reach one of the highest shelves in one of the cabinets. 

“Nayeon!” You call, knocking on the door as a way to act as though you’re not intruding on whatever she’s doing. 

She immediately drops flat onto her feet, smoothing her pants as she turns to the sound of your voice. “Oh,” her face lights up as she recognizes you, “(Y/n)! And San!” She looks at the both of you, still trying to smooth her pants. “Are you guys alright?” 

Nayeon squints, walking across the room to get a closer look at the two of you.

You and San both open your mouths to quell her worries, mumblings of ‘yeah’ and ‘totally yeah’ messily combining to convey the message that you had meant. 

“I just wanted to talk to you…” you let your sentence hang as you slowly turn toward San, knowing that he won’t like the next part. “In private?” You smile up at him, trying your hardest to look convincing. 

San just gives you an exasperated look. “Do you remember what happened last time I left you alone?” His eyes are wide as he whispers the question, clearly not trying to have Nayeon know that he had left you alone in the past.

Unfortunately for him, Nayeon picks up on it anyways. “Last time? Hmmm?” She has a giddy smile on her face as she rubs her palms together in front of her. 

“San,” you ignore Nayeon for the moment, trying to lay it on thick. “It’s just girl talk, it’ll be okay!” 

San folds his arms over his chest. “Are you sure?” He doesn’t sound too pleased with the idea, but he also doesn’t seem like he’s going to oppose it, either. 

You nod enthusiastically, already trying to turn him around and push him back into the hallway that you two had come in through. 

“Same deal as before, got it?” He asks once he’s outside of the room, watching in vain as you swing the door shut. You give him a thumbs up through the closing door, hoping that he caught a flash of it before the door clicked into its frame. 

You turn back toward Nayeon, who is looking very expectantly at you. “What was that?” She asks, pointing to the wall where San most likely resides on the other side. “Since when is he so protective of you? You’ve got half the leadership on your tail!” 

Two isn’t half of six, but you don’t correct her. You shake your head, waving your hand in the air to dismiss the notion. “He’s not protective of me, just… yeah, whatever, that’s a whole different story than the one I came to tell you.” 

“Oh?” Nayeon looks at you like she might explode if you don’t get a move on with the conversation already. She takes a few steps backward, sitting herself down on the edge of one of the patient beds. 

You blink at her, trying to think of the best way to phrase… everything. Because, really, not telling anyone about what happened with you and Mingi is starting to be suffocating. Though you and Nayeon hadn’t really interacted with each other very much beyond her, well, possibly saving your life/nursing you back to health after being stabbed, she seemed like someone that you could talk to. Someone that would understand or, at the very least, give you some good reactions. 

“Mingi told me he loved me.” You blurt out.

Nayeon slowly tilts her head to the side, reacting in just about the opposite manner you had expected. “Did we not already know that? Because I thought everybody knew that.” 

You throw your hands up in front of yourself. “I did not know that!” 

“Huh.” She frowns. “Was that it?” She seems disappointed that this could be the only thing you came to tell her.

“Well, no…” 

Nayeon looks at you expectantly once more.

“We also got into this huge argument and I said something really bad— but, but he also said some bad things— and I feel terrible, but he’s completely avoiding me now and I have no idea how I’m supposed to fix things when he won’t even be in the same room as me!” The words spill out faster than your brain can contain them. “And, beyond that, I’m mad at him! And I don’t know if I want to apologize or continue being pissed until he apologizes to me!”

Nayeon nods, her eyes wide. “Well, what started the argument? And what did he say? And what did you say? And how did it end? And-”

You stop her before she can go on asking questions. “Mingi told me that he had been in love with me when we were in university and said something about me ‘refusing to see it’ or whatever and I said that it wasn’t fair for him to say that and that’s about where it took off.”

“Back up.” Nayeon raises a hand in front of her in a ‘stop’ gesture, closing her eyes. “Mingi said he was in love with you, as in, like, past tense, no longer in love with you?” She opens her eyes, a desperate question behind them. 

You nod, confused. 

She brings her hand up to her forehead, her fingers spanning the width to rest along her temples. “Oh my God.” She sighs, inhaling deeply after. “First of all, (Y/n), Mingi is in love with you. Currently. At this moment. I know that you were, like, in a coma and all when I was taking care of you, so you couldn’t see Mingi, but I definitely could.” Nayeon rolls her eyes. “And he’s definitely in love with you. So, basically, you have three hot guys fawning after you, not to mention that one of them is literally the most important man alive.” 

You don’t enjoy the title she bestows on him, but you know who she means. “I wouldn’t say that Hongjoong is ‘fawning’ after me, or, or San either, for that matter,” you correct her on that point before addressing anything else, “but, anyways, Nayeon, that’s not what Mingi said.” 

“Yeah, well, you couldn’t see him until you woke up.” She says this like it’s the most obvious thing in the world (which, you suppose, it kind of is). “He was at your side for days, (Y/n). Like, all day, everyday. He didn’t work, he didn’t eat, he would hardly speak to anyone, and he reluctantly started taking naps only because I insisted. He would just sit there all day and all night. And stare at you. That’s, like, textbook love.”

These are all things that you can rationalize easily enough without the explanation of Mingi being in love with you, and so you do, “Nayeon, he’s my best friend. I’m his best friend. Would you not do the same for your own best friend?” There are different types of love. You would be willing to accept that Mingi currently, at this exact moment in time, loves you platonically enough (despite the argument) and you would be inclined to say that you feel the same way about him. But this romantic love or romantic attraction that everyone is so obsessed with… it’s just not how your relationship is.

Mingi said he loved you, past tense. No longer. You’re sure that he meant he was romantically in love with you in university. And he made it clear that that was all in the past. So, yes, Mingi sure as hell might care a lot about you, but that doesn’t mean that he wants a romantic relationship with you like is being insinuated by nearly everyone. 

Nayeon looks more exasperated with you with every passing second. “Sure, (Y/n), I would and I have done that for friends in the past. And I guess that I could be misinterpreting your relationship with Mingi, but I know that I don’t look at my friends like, I don’t know, like I’m in love with them!” 

You sigh at her explanation, becoming a bit tired of this conversation yourself. “We just, I, I don’t know how to explain it. We’re really close, just not… not romantically, and this isn’t even the part of the argument that I wanted advice on.”

“Okay, I’ll drop it, I’m sorry,” Nayeon takes a deep breath. “What in particular do you want help with?” 

You have to take a second to think about her question. In reality, you didn’t really need advice, you had just needed to tell someone what had happened. “Well, just, what do you think I should do?”

“What do you want to do?”

“I want things to be better with him, that’s all. But, like I said, I’m still kinda pissed at him myself, so I’m not sure how to get over it.” 

“Hmmm,” Nayeon thinks out loud, “well, my money says that he feels exactly the same way as you do, but he’s just too embarrassed or hurt to approach you yet. If you give him some time, he’ll come eventually.”

“You think so?” It’s hard to hide the hopefulness in your voice. As much as you want this little feud to be over with, you also don’t want to have to be the one to finish it. Maybe giving Mingi his space will allow things to settle enough to the point where you’ll both feel ready to talk again. 

Nayeon nods her head, answering your question. “But, in other news, San? What’s going on there? Are you guys…” She raises her eyebrows. “Is this why you’re so adamant about Mingi not loving you?” Nayeon gasps with her brilliant connection. 

“No, no, definitely not.” You shut her down immediately. “Just Hongjoong playing matchmaker, I guess. Except…” you wonder if you should tell Nayeon this tidbit of information, and decide that the only harm that could come from it is, like, minor embarrassment. “Hongjoong literally said to our faces that we couldn’t have a sexual relationship.” You whisper-yell, trying to minimize the chances of your voice carrying into the hallway. 

Nayeon’s mouth falls open. “Seriously?” 

You nod, solemnly. 

“Well, are you listening? I wouldn’t, if I was living with San.” Nayeon winks, a teasing smile on her face.

“Nayeon, obviously we aren’t having sex. Have you met San? He would never go against Hongjoong like that.” 

She purses her lips, her head tilting again. “I wouldn’t be so sure. He can be quite… assertive… when he needs to be.”

“Please shut up.” 

Nayeon giggles, “Okay, shutting up.” 

“Well, I dumped on you. Do you have anything you need to talk about?” You ask, suddenly feeling a bit bad for talking only about yourself this entire time.

Nayeon slides off of the bed, placing her hands on her hips as she thinks. “I… surprisingly don’t think so. But, you know, I could use San for something real quick, are we done with the private stuff?” She asks, already scooching past you to reach for the door.

You nod as she pulls the door open, sticking her head into the hallway. “Sa— oh, you’re right here, huh, uh, anyways, could you do me a favor?” She leads San into the room, beckoning him to follow her to the cabinet that she had been digging in when you first arrived. “Can you reach that blood pressure cuff up on the top shelf there?” She points upward. 

San, though not the tallest man you’ve ever met, is still almost half a foot taller than Nayeon herself, and is able to grab the cuff with ease. He hands it down to her, shyly brushing off her thanks as he does. 

Sheesh. Nayeon should see the way that he looks at her. According to her logic, maybe San is in love with her. What about that? 

… 

… … … … … 

…Why does that thought make you… feel… something…? A bit of a queasy feeling in your stomach, partnered with a bit of sudden anger. It’s definitely an emotion that you can place, one that you’re no stranger to, but… Why is this scene causing—

Your eyes widen and you frown. Nope. Nuh-uh. You won’t even justify the emotion with its name. Not when it’s San that you’re emoting to. As in, the weirdo cult freak, San. Nope. Not gonna happen. 

You avert your eyes away from the pair, scratching at the back of your neck as San asks if there’s anything else he can do for her. Ugh, gag. 

God. You try to think about literally anything else. Hongjoong. Yeah, Hongjoong. What about him? He sure makes you mad! Haha, that weird guy…. 

You glance back over at San and Nayeon.

And then look away as quickly as you had looked. What is wrong with you? Why should you care if they’re having a conversation? They could be best friends for all you know. And you shouldn’t assume that just because a man and a woman are interacting that they’re flirting. Heaven knows that that assumption drives you mad. So you would be quite bold to make the assumption yourself! 

… But Nayeon did say that she would sleep with him if the opportunity arose. And you had just told her that you absolutely cannot be involved with San like that… 

No, seriously, you need to stop. Like, this is crazy. Who are you? Have you forgotten the situation that you’re in? Who San is? Like, sure, he’s really hot. Like, extremely hot, but that doesn’t change who or what he is. This is a cult. He is part of the leadership of the cult. He is part of the reason that you’re trapped here. San. And you’re jealous that he’s talking to another cult member? Yeah, absolutely not. Not on your watch. 

Plus, are you really that easy? You live with a man for, what, like, five days, and you already have a crush on him? Yeah, no. Not gonna happen. Even if San is hot and respectful and has amazing proportions and is nice to you and is flexible with you and treats you with more kindness than anyone on this forsaken farm… does NOT mean that you have to like him. And so you won’t. Because you say so. And that’s how emotions work.

“(Y/n)? Are you okay?” San asks, suddenly at your side. 

You startle, taking a few steps away from him in the process. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine?” 

San looks at you a bit weird, a strange smile on his face. “Okay…” He looks over at Nayeon, presumably giving her the same weird look. “Well, are you ready to continue our walk?” 

You agree, though you’re not entirely sure that the place you want to be right now is at San’s side. Not with all of this… confusion you suddenly have running through your veins. What you really need is some quality alone time, but you realize that that is quite the ask for the situation you find yourself in. So you instead say your goodbyes to Nayeon, thanking her again for her advice as yourself and San excuse yourselves from the infirmary. 

You step outside (the cool air hitting you with a surprising chill once again) not entirely sure where San plans to take you next on this walk. You let him lead the way as he sets off through the lawn. 

San matches his pace to yours, falling back a bit so that you’re walking side by side. He puts his hands in his jacket pockets, fluttering the sides of his coat for some circulation. “So…” He sounds serious, and you’re worried for a moment that he might’ve picked up on your… emotions from earlier. Insead, he says something much worse. “You’ll tell Nayeon your boy problems, but not me?” 

You stop in your tracks. “You were listening!?”

San stops as well, turning around to face you with a sheepish grin on his face. “I may or may not have heard some of the conversation. Through the very thin walls. The very, very thin walls.” He shrugs. “I tried to walk further down the hall, but that didn’t help much. So I tried to just not listen. But I still heard the first part, and, for that, I’m sorry.” 

You’re honestly speechless. On one hand, you guess that it doesn’t matter that much if San knows what happened between you and Mingi. Like Nayeon said, apparently everyone (besides you) knew the little tid-bit about Mingi’s feelings, so it’s not like he heard some big secret. And you really had only gone to Nayeon because you wanted another woman’s perspective, not because she was the only person you could trust with the information… You definitely could’ve just told San everything… but still.

And the last part of the conversation. Not that you had said anything incriminating, but, like, still. 

“What did you hear?” You ask, wanting to clarify what he counts as ‘the first part.’

“Just that Mingi loved you and that you guys had a fight about it, but I kinda gathered that already.” 

You stay silent, though you do concede that he’s right by shrugging a bit and nodding. 

“Again, I’m sorry for accidentally eavesdropping.” He genuinely does sound sorry, even if the information was stuff that he basically already knew. “I do feel bad.”

“It’s alright, like you said, it’s not like you didn’t already know.” You’re honestly not upset knowing that he heard. On the contrary, its almost a relief to know that you don’t have to hide the emotions anymore.

San regains his normal smile, giving you a thumbs up. “Cool, I’m glad you’re not upset. And, uhm, for the record, you can come to me with stuff like that, if, if you want to! I don’t want you to feel like you don’t have anyone to talk to, or like you can’t tell me certain things.” 

You provide San with a tight smile as a response. “Thanks, San.” You leave it at that, knowing that you still probably wouldn’t be telling him such things. Even if him knowing doesn’t bother you as much as you had thought it would, it would still probably be pretty awkward to talk to him about… your relationship problems.

The wind gusts hard then, your button up pressing to your skin and offering you little to no shield. San’s bangs flutter across his forehead as he steps closer to you, opening the side of his coat to block the direction of the wind. 

“Sheesh,” San waits until the gust dies down, not stepping away from you. “Are you sure you’re not cold?” 

“Well I wasn’t until just right now.” A shiver runs through you despite the wind waning. 

San is shrugging his coat off before you can get a word in. “Great, because I’m really hot. Like, I’m boiling in this thing.” He holds it out to you, smiling. 

“Oh, San, no, you don’t have t—”

San retracts the coat, repositioning it in his hands in order to drape it over your shoulders. He drops it on you, smoothing the arms down over your own. “Hold it for me, at least?” 

You frown, if only to resist the smile creeping up on you. Over your own dead body will you smile over a romantic gesture from San. 

Of course, that’s if this is a romantic gesture. It could just be a regular gesture, a friendly one. And if it’s just a friendly one, then… there really wouldn’t be any problem with sliding your arms into the jacket and allowing its insulation to warm you up. 

“If you insist…” You squint at San, putting your arms into the arms of the coat. 

He nods, “I do.” He turns away from you, starting forth on your walk once again. 

It’s only then, as you take in your surroundings, that you realize where the two of you had paused your walk. You had stopped a considerable distance from the entrances of the barns, but close enough to be able to see in at a somewhat awkward angle. As the two of you begin to walk toward the barns’ entrances, you’re able to see Mingi. Looking at you for the first time in days. He simply stares as San and yourself approach, the twine of a bale of hay clenched in his gloved hands. 

His gaze makes you want to stop walking. You want to stop and stare back, send him a message with your eyes that you’re giving him time, that you’re giving him space, and that he can come to you when he’s ready. But, of course, that sort of communication is a bit complicated to be sending through eyes. You’re not able to say those things. As you’re genuinely about to freeze in place, Mingi drops his eyes, turning around to walk deeper into the barn, leaving you to wonder how much of your exchange with San he had just seen.

… Not that you care, of course, because you know that San just gave you his coat in an entirely friendly manner, and you don’t care what Mingi thinks of your relationship with him. You had told him the truth, and, if he didn’t believe you, then that’s entirely his problem. 

San seems to have entirely missed Mingi’s presence, not faltering for a second as he continues into the barn. Exactly why San is taking you here, you still don’t know, but you follow behind him anyhow. The air in the barn is strikingly warmer than outside, the heat of the animals raising the temperature. San falls back in his pace once more, walking with you in-step past the various animal enclosures. 

You try looking around for Mingi, but his knack for completely disappearing has come in handy for him. His bright head is literally nowhere to be seen, despite the majority of the barn in your sights. 

Though you can’t see Mingi, you can see a more formidable presence lingering in the back of the barn, hauling hay as Mingi had appeared to be doing. 

Jongho turns as he hears the pair of footsteps approaching, a scowl immediately planting itself on his face. 

“Jongho! Good afternoon,” San greets him, ignoring Jongho’s clear annoyance. 

Jongho nods his head in acknowledgement, turning back around to grab another bale of hay. 

San gives you an awkward smile. “Um,” He turns to face Jongho’s back again, “Say, we’re planning a trip into town. Did you need anything?” 

You turn to San in shock, your eyes wide open upon hearing his sentence. Since when is this happening? 

San pays you no mind, however, waiting for Jongho’s reply. 

“You’re taking her into town?” Jongho turns around as soon as he’s moved the bale to where he wants it (which, by the way, is approximately 10 feet to the left, for whatever reason). He looks at San with a twinge of disbelief, though it’s hard to read his expression. “Good luck with that. Though I’d be happy to send her off.” 

You hardly hear the insult at the end of Jongho’s statement, a rush of excitement running through you. Into town? You? Yeah, more like into the arms of some kind police officers. You could practically jump for joy. You reach a hand out to grab San’s arm, wanting to get his attention for some sort of confirmation that he’s not just joking. 

The hope dies not too long after. “Oh, no, I’m not taking (Y/n) into town. By ‘we’ I meant Hongjoong and company. (Y/n) and I are just on a walk, and I figured I’d come ask you.” San still doesn’t look at you. “So, do you need anything?” 

You bite your lip, trying to not be too disappointed. Really, what did you think? Even thinking for a second that you might possibly be let off of this farm is… foolish. Your hand falls off of San’s arm, dangling at your side. 

Jongho rests his hands on his hips, sighing as he thinks. “This is more of Yeosang’s thing, but lots of gas. And we could use some more chicken feed, I guess.” 

“Any personal requests? Bleach? Hair dye?” San eyes Jongho’s fading red hair as he asks.

Jongho rolls his eyes, turning back to his hay. “No.”

“Great!” San leaves the conversation at that, turning on his heel to return to the barn door. You follow along behind him, trying very hard to not look as dejected as you feel. 

You walk in silence as you exit the animal barn, but you don’t make it to the machine barn before being able to stop yourself.

“San,” You stop between the barns, getting his attention. He stops as well, turning back to face you in a way reminiscent of your earlier exchange. “I, I, what? You’re going into town? Since when?”

He takes a step closer to you, a pitiful look on his face. “Yeah, in a couple days. It’s been planned for, for really only a day or so.” 

You’re not able to hide the sadness from your face. You look up at him, a pleading look in your eyes as you don’t say a word.

“You know that you can’t come, (Y/n).” San whispers this, leaning his face closer to your own.

“Why not?” 

San looks at you as though you’ve just told a particularly bad joke. “Really, (Y/n), why can’t you go into town?”

“Listen,” He sighs deeply when you don’t respond, opting to continue looking at him with your best doe-eyes. “I know that you don’t like it here, okay? I understand. But, between you and me, you have to just accept it.” He glances around as if to ensure that no one can hear him blaspheme to you. “Even if you don’t believe in The Answer, and even if you don’t believe in Hongjoong. It will be so much easier for yourself if you simply… get used to the situation. And going into town would only make it more difficult for you.” 

“San, I-” He cuts you off by reaching up with both hands to rest them on your shoulders.

“I’m saying this to you because I care, (Y/n). I care about you, and seeing you so… upset is, is hurting me. I know that we haven’t known each other closely for very long— maybe you wouldn’t even consider us close now— but, please. I can’t bear to watch it. Your acceptance of your situation would make you a lot happier.” 

It’s disconcerting to hear San’s speech, even though you had just reminded yourself that this is San. Cult San. Brainwashed San. 

You frown up at him, processing what he just told you. You won’t lie to yourself and say that it’s not something you’ve ever considered, even if just by your subconscious. Sure, you could just give up and spend the rest of your life as Hongjoong’s hostage. Maybe that would be the easy thing to do. But there’s literally no fucking way that that would ever happen.

Even if giving up would be the easy thing to do, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to do it. You’re sure that San is right; you probably would be a lot happier if you simply accepted this to be how your life will remain. There wouldn’t be so much emotional turmoil or upset, and you’d probably get used to it pretty quickly. Like, sheesh, think of all the other adults here that are perfectly content. That could be you, except for the fact that it absolutely couldn’t be you. 

There is no version of yourself that gives in. There is no version that is okay with this life.

Whether it hurts San or not is none of your business. You will be getting off of this farm, and you will not give up until your freedom is guaranteed. 

“Please? Just try?” San’s eyes glimmer and for a second you’re concerned that he’s crying again. His grip tightens on your shoulders, though not so tight that you’re uncomfortable. 

“San, I…” You search his face, looking for any sign that he’s presenting a facade. You can’t find one, so you look down at the packed ground beneath your feet, taking a step backward so that his hands fall from you. “No, I won’t… I won’t accept things as they are, San.” 

San sighs again, though it’s more of an exhale than a true sigh. “It’s your choice, (Y/n). I just wish you would choose to be happy.” 

“That’s what I’m doing.” You don’t appreciate his tone, though you’re sure he must genuinely mean what he’s saying. You return your gaze to his face, wanting to see his reaction. 

He smiles, then, though just barely. “If you see it that way.” 

“Um, are you guys just gonna stand there all day?” Someone yells at the two of you from the machinery barn. “It’s getting weird.” 

You peer over San’s shoulder to find the source of the voice to be none other than Yeosang. San spins around as well, your conversation seemingly forgotten. 

“Yeosang!” San greets the man now leaning against one of the huge door frames of the barn. “Just who we were looking for.” 

Yeosang greets him back, beckoning for the two of you to follow him inside, which you do without complaint. As much as you want to continue grumbling with San, the warmth of the barn isn’t something you can pass up. 

You follow him deeper into the barn, which is as full as ever. Unlike the day that you had met Yeosang, there actually seems to be quite a few others milling about, working on certain vehicles and having discussions amongst themselves. In turn, Yeosang looks impeccable. His blonde hair is unmarred by any grease, his clothes as pristine as can be.  

He leads you to one of the far back corners of the barn, where there’s a small seating area set up. “Please, sit, sit.” He insists, gesturing toward the folding chairs arranged in a strange, semi-circle formation. 

You do so because you feel that it might be rude to deny, San following your lead. Yeosang pulls up a chair, spinning it around to sit backwards with his arms resting on the back. “What’s up?” 

San clears his throat. “Do you need anything from town? We’re going out in a couple days and should be able to grab just about anything.” 

Yeosang drops his chin in surprise. “You two?” 

You shake your head, closing your eyes so that you don’t have to see his look of relief. San explains the situation for you.

“Ahhh, that makes more sense…” Yeosang pauses, frowning as he thinks. “Well, I know we definitely need gas— diesel and unleaded. And I could use a few various ratchet sizes, a couple of whatever you can find.”

San holds a hand up, signaling for Yeosang to wait. “Uh, (Y/n), there should be a little notebook in the right pocket of that jacket, could you-” 

But you’ve already reached in, pulling out the notebook and handing it over to him so that he can start taking note of Yeosang’s requests. He nods for him to start again, a tiny pencil in hand. 

Yeosang raises his eyebrows. “You guys sure are getting to be close, huh?” 

You simply look back at him, neither confirming nor denying. You honestly have no idea if you would consider yourself close with San, especially not after… whatever that little speech was. Sure, he’s been quite a good friend to you, and his company isn’t… bothersome. But he is a brainwashed cult persona, so, you know, is it possible for you to be close with him? You don’t really think so… but that little feeling in your gut earlier sure said otherwise. 

You banish the thought as quickly as it had come. Now is decidedly not the time to be thinking about such feelings, and, frankly, there never will be a time. 

San doesn’t say anything either, but you can see him shrug in your peripheral vision. “Anyways… gas, ratchets, anything else?” 

“Uh,” Yeosang glances between the two of you, a small smile on his face. “A few flashlights, batteries, double and triple A, please. The usual oil, degreaser, some hydraulic fluid— only if you’re going to the tractor supply, otherwise it should be fine—”

And so Yeosang goes on, giving San quite a laundry list. San notes each request, having to flip the notebook page more than once. When Yeosang trails off, seemingly done, San asks again. “Anything personal?” 

Yeosang purses his lips. “Hair dye, please. Dark brown.” He tips his head forward to show you his scalp. “Look at my roots! This blonde is… difficult to upkeep.”

San shuts the notebook, shoving it into his back pocket and clapping his hands together as he stands (apparently quite eager to escape before Yeosang can add anything else). “Noted, dark brown hair dye!” He looks down at you, where you’re still sitting. “Ready?” He offers his hand out to you, but you stand without taking it. 

“Good to see you guys,” Yeosang stands as well, walking with you as you head back to the doors. “Especially you, (Y/n). You look… healthier, lately.” 

An awkward smile spreads across your face. What kind of complement is that… But you thank Yeosang anyway as you excuse yourself from the barn with San. 

San leads you away once more, leaving the barns behind the two of you to head toward the main building again. “Just one more,” San turns to look at you over his shoulder, “then we can head back…” He faces straight ahead, though he continues addressing you. “I’m sorry if this is all boring, too, and I’m… I’m more sorry if I upset you. It’s just my opinion, and I shouldn’t push it on you.” 

You stare at the back of his head, his black hair brushing against the nape of his neck rhythmically with his footsteps. You suppose that San really hadn’t meant to make you upset. Can you really blame him for trying to push the cult agenda on you, when he is, in fact, a member of said cult? He’s just as brainwashed as the rest of them, and he probably genuinely means what he said. That doesn’t mean that it was right of him to try and tell you how to behave or feel… but it is an excuse for why he probably did. 

You’ve come to learn over the past few days that San is harmless enough. He’s a perfect gentleman, treating you with respect in his every action. He’s kind to you, indulging in your requests of him even if they’re a tad bit ridiculous. He’s never done anything that you would remotely consider harmful… minus the part he played in abducting you. But, again, that can also be explained away by him simply being a faithful member with not a question in his mind when it comes to Hongjoong. 

He’s clearly smart, being trusted with most of the administrational tasks of the commune cannot be a small thing. He gets along with everyone that you’ve seen so far, not paying any mind to even Jongho’s attitude. He’s great for talking to, whether he’s offering you information or just keeping you company. 

… In essence, San is a good guy. And you won’t hold a minor, genuine slip-up against him. 

Though you’ve been silent for longer than he probably anticipated, you respond anyhow. “It’s alright, San. I know you didn’t mean to make me mad. I just,” you search for the right words to describe your situation, “I just can’t stay here. If you want me to be happy, this is how I’ll do it.” 

San nods his head in acknowledgement, allowing the conversation to end there. You appreciate it, never one for the more awkward conversations that come along with relationships.

He takes you all the way back to the main building, holding the door open for you once you arrive. You thank him as you step over the threshold, stopping to wait for him to close the door before starting off again. If there’s only one more person that San needs to discuss the trip with, it must be Wooyoung. 

You’re not surprised when San sets off in the direction of the cafeteria, headed toward the kitchens. Your walk continues in silence and the two of you reach your destination in no time, pushing past the entry to the kitchen with ease. 

Wooyoung is easy to find, as he’s currently quite near the door, cutting up… a zucchini? You don’t care enough to take a clear look at the fruit, simply glad to see Wooyoung again. 

San makes your presence known, clearing his throat and saying hello. Wooyoung doesn’t startle as you might have, instead gently setting the knife in his hands down before turning to face you. 

Wooyoung takes a few seconds to process who he’s looking at, his eyes flitting between San and yourself before he breaks into a smile. “(Y/n)! Are you back?” 

You offer a sad smile. “Sadly not.” You’re a little surprised to find that you genuinely mean the sentiment. Again, work wasn’t your favorite thing in the world, but it at least gave you something to spend your time doing. 

“Oh.” Wooyoung frowns, wiping his hands down the front of his apron before putting them on his hips. “Then, uh, why are you guys here?” 

San explains the trip into town, pulling the notebook out of his pocket as he asks what Wooyoung needs.

“Putting me on the spot!” Wooyoung smiles despite the protest, apparently wracking his mind for anything that he may need. “Well, the usual provisions, of course. Whatever fresh food is in season, minus corn, obviously. Our meat stock is quite okay…” 

You tune out the rest of Wooyoung’s various requests as you had tuned out Yeosang’s. Apologies, but you just don’t find the lists very interesting. You suppose that they might be talking in some sort of code, considering your presence, but… yeah, no. They’re not that careful. You’re fairly certain that each of the items is simply exactly what is being asked for, and they’re not that exciting. Probably.

“And, personally?” San finally asks, having, once again, flipped multiple pages of the little notebook.

Wooyoung shakes his head. “I don’t need anything, just (Y/n) back!” He beams at you, grabbing his knife once more as he returns to cutting the mystery fruit. “I need help cutting all of these damn zucchinis that Jongho insists on planting every year! (Y/n), you don’t know any zucchini recipes off the top of your head, do you?” You shake your head, crushing the hopeful glance that Wooyoung had given. 

With that, San bids your goodbyes and the two of you, once again, set off alone. 

“San, who gets to make requests for things to bring back?” You ask as he leads you back toward the entrance, where the stairs are located. 

He glances at you briefly before falling back to keep in stride with you, seeing as you now are confident in your destination. “Well, all us bigwigs. And the other, smaller leaders. Like Nayeon with the infirmary or Soobin with the daycare, but I typically don’t reach out to them. There’s sign up sheets for them. There are sign up sheets for the average followers, too, of course, but we normally don’t make any promises when it comes to those items.” 

You tilt your head at his statement. “Why didn’t you ask Nayeon if she needed anything, since we were there?” 

San gives you a puzzled look. “I… did? After reaching up the shelf…? Huh, I thought you seemed a little out of it, but you really must’ve been.”  You hope that San doesn’t notice the flush that runs up your face at his comment. Had you really been so deep in your own head that you completely missed him saying anything about going into town? Really? Jesus…

“I was feeling a little weird after talking with Nayeon, yeah,” you try to nonchalantly provide an explanation. “Another question. Where do I fall in that… ranking?” 

“Ranking?”

“I mean, am I… just an average follower or…?” 

San chuckles. “I wouldn’t dare to guess your status with Hongjoong… but I don’t think so, no.” 

A small sense of relief runs through you, though you’re not sure why and it immediately revulses you. Why the hell should you care how Hongjoong thinks of you? You don’t. You shove the feeling away, as you had earlier. There are certain things that are simply so outlandish that you don’t need to waste your time thinking about them. Such irrational feelings are a perfect example.

.・。.・゜✭ ⧖ ・.・ ⧖ ✫・゜・。.

The rest of the day passes with little fanfare. Mingi ignores you at dinner, as per usual. Hongjoong and Seonghwa bother other people, apparently pleased enough with themselves and their now daily torture they get to put you through. Which, speaking of, book club had been conducted shortly after your walk with San finished. It was with Seonghwa, which meant very little actually happened.

He had only made you read a few pages out loud to him. You apparently have quite the knack for wearing Hongjoong down, because he had conceded into letting you read much smaller amounts than had originally been planned. 

Seonghwa was clearly pissed about this development, but he wouldn’t dare bring up his frustrations to Hongjoong… so instead he just stared at you. Which, to be fair, is still pretty creepy, but it’s a lot better than him bitching at you or the experience of being alone with Hongjoong, so you honestly didn’t mind so much. It certainly made the process faster.

And, thankfully, only reading a couple pages at a time has proven manageable. You’re pretty much able to read out loud without really comprehending what you’re saying, so while you’re technically reading The Answer and technically following Hongjoong’s instructions… you’re not exactly learning anything. You hadn’t even made it to the second chapter yet with the pace that you’ve set, and the first chapter is a whole lot of repetitious bullshit about parallel universes. 

And that was that. But… things with San remained a little… tense for the rest of the day. As much as you would like to think that it entirely had to deal only with his little piece of advice… you’d be lying to yourself if you said so. What’s really bothering you is clear enough, but you still are abashedly refusing to acknowledge it. 

Though you aren’t afraid to realize that you really can’t hold your own, random, confusing emotions against San. Like, really, it’s not his fault that he’s making you feel… emotions… so you know that it’s a bit silly to be upset with him. And so you’re not upset with him. Just… awkward. Because how the hell are you supposed to keep acting like things are entirely normal when they’re definitely not? You’re just supposed to sleep next to him, knowing that you… ???

Nope. You don’t know anything. Nothing. 

And so you lay motionless on your side of the bed, your hands tucked neatly under your pillow with your eyes squeezed shut, praying that San thinks you’re sleeping (despite you having only entered the bedroom approximately three minutes before he did).

You listen attentively as he gets ready for bed, trying to picture his movements to keep up the appearance that you’re sleeping. You’ve gotten a feel for his routines by now, and you essentially can keep up with him in your mind. You can picture him well enough in your mind, brushing his teeth and washing his face and putting on his godforsaken chapstick that makes his lips so… AH! SO NOTHING! You clench your hands underneath your head, fighting the thought. 

You’re so distracted by the sudden intrusion that you lose track of San, and you nearly jump when the covers beside you are pulled back. 

San crawls into bed beside you, making himself comfortable with as little movement as possible. You take this as a good sign that he thinks you’re asleep, but you must not be very convincing as he whispers only a moment later.

“(Y/n)? Are you asleep?” 

You don’t respond, attempting to control the rise and fall of your lungs as though you are sleeping.

“I don’t think you are, for the record, so I’m going to tell you this anyways.” He pauses, flipping onto his back. “I’m really sorry, again if I, if I made you u-upset or angry. I genuinely meant what I said, about you being happier if… yeah. And I’m not telling you this as some ploy from Hongjoong or as some brainwashed cult member, okay? I’m telling you as, as someone that cares. If not being here would mean that you would be happier… then I want that for you. But I can’t help you get there. I’m sorry.” 

He flips again, facing your back. “Do you want anything from town? Anything at all?” 

You open your eyes in the dark of the room, knowing that he can’t see you anyhow. You continue your steady breathing, though you do think about his offer. There are plenty of things that you want from town. Starting with, but not limited to, a cellphone or something with the ability to connect to cellular data would be wonderful. Maybe a new car, since yours has disappeared? Maybe another sane person that can help you? A police officer or an EMT or something? Christ. 

You won’t waste the opportunity to get something, though. “A book, please.”

San sighs, and you feel him roll back onto his back. “Which one?” 

“Anything you think I'll like.”  

← previous || next → || masterlist

#ateez #ateez ff #ateez angst #ateez series #ateez x reader #kim hongjoong x reader #park seonghwa x reader #jeong yunho x reader #kang yeosang x reader #choi san x reader #song mingi x reader #jung wooyoung x reader #choi jongho x reader #the answer #update

[ninebaalart]

I'm Nyx, aka ninebaalart. I do character design, prop design, and digital art in general! Been here since 2023.

Main blog - You're right here! Currently post five times a day. You can send me suggestions for stuff to draw through the Ask function. I sort of beat to my own drum, though, and if you actually want me to do a particular piece of art, commissions are a much better option.

@huntthemouse - My side blog for the Hunt the Mouse project- I post a new public domain Mickey Mouse design for all of 2024- that's 365 days a year. I stopped reblogging them to here since it's a lot of work but the project did initially start here!

18baal - More of my pinup work/nsfw art, currently post two times a day. Not linking since you have to be an adult.

COMMISSIONS ARE OPEN.

Direct message me here or on Discord with a proposal for art. I'm fine with most things but I have the right to reject any proposal. I'll tell you the valuation and price accordingly. Please provide references for your piece if possible.

50$ for a shaded character piece, 10$ for a sketch of a character, $30/$5 for each additional character. Price may vary on the complexity of the character.

You get three revisions before incurring an additional charge.

Please pay up front once a commission is agreed upon.

#masterpost #artists on tumblr #pinned intro

[anueutsuhos-touhou-profiles]

Yachie Kicchou:

The Animal Realm is one of the many afterlives in Buddhist cosmology. It’s only barely better than Hell, basically the silver medal in pain and suffering.

In Touhou Project, it's a world dominated by a small number of crime syndicates. In order to survive, you have to pledge your eternal servitude to one of these organizations. These three or four organizations often fight amongst each other, but no one outshines the others for very long. It's a world where animals rule and have domesticated humans for food and labor. It's a world where individual thought is rejected in favor of groupthink, and where the strong crush the weak with an iron fist.

Nobody exemplifies this cruelty more than Yachie Kicchou, Matriarch of the Kiketsu Crime Family. The Kiketsu family is comprised of animals that specialize in sneak attacks and the like. The otter spirit from before is one of her henchmen.

Yachie Kicchou is a jidao, a Chinese half-turtle half-dragon hybrid. I don't know much about them because every time I google them it just brings up Yachie.

She's a cold Social Darwinist who views everyone around her as mere tools to be used. She even outright rejects the idea of friendship. She feels that's simply the way everyone feels in the Animal Realm. At most she relishes a challenge as an opportunity to improve and evolve. And she'll always say "nothing personal, it's just business". Sometimes she may appear to help someone by say, saving their life, but she always has some ulterior motive. She makes her minions work 24/7/365, because she's just that cruel.

Yachie has what are effectively mind-control powers. Well, she calls it "the ability to remove a person's ability to fight back". It's very subtle, but you'll suddenly trust every word she says unquestionably, and you'll start addressing her in polite professional terms, regardless of how rude you usually are.

Yachie Kicchou appeared as the 4th boss and potentially the real main villain of Touhou 17: Wily Beast and Weakest Creature. She was the one who sent the beast spirits to Gensokyo to warn everyone of an upcoming invasion. As it turns out, it was her invasion!

She showed up in the middle of New Hell, and quickly put the protagonist under her thrall. She still fought them, but only as a test of strength to see if they were up to the task. After the fight, she told them that she was not their enemy, that the real enemy lay deep within the Animal Realm.

None of the three main characters were able to resist her at all. Even the headstrong, independent Marisa was reduced to calling her "Master". The only person she's ever called that before was Mima back in the PC-98 days.

If you got a game over throughout the game, Yachie even attempts to kill the protagonist for failing her, with only the protagonist begging for another chance being enough to stay her hand.

Yachie reappeared in Touhou 19: Unfinished Dream of All Living Ghosts, as with the rest of the Animal Realm leaders.  She actually winds up having a much poorer success rate in this game, failing miserably in her goals of conquering Gensokyo and destroying the Hakurei Shrine, as well as getting lost in Gensokyo along the way.

Yachie's spellcards are neat. She can shoot green laser beams that form the hexagon patterns of turtle shells. She can also breathe fire. They're all named things like "Hell Sign" or "Oni Sign".

In summary: Yachie is a vile tyrant and probably the most evil character in the series.

Oh, and she is the titular Wily Beast. The Weakest Creature... is humanity. So the name of the game basically means Yachie Kicchou and the human spirits.

#touhou project #touhou #wily beast and weakest creature #yachie kicchou

[sunlitsorrows]

last thoughts on Exit Strategy

i was talking with a friend the other day and was struck by the notion i’ve never had a dream about anyone i know (unless you count pets)

but a couple days ago i woke up from a nightmare and realized that wasn’t true. i have nightmares about people i know all the time, but they aren’t really nightmares, they’re more like flashbacks, in them current me is waking up to discover my escape and starting to build a life for myself was the dream and i am back where i started from, which is usually enough to jar me awake for real, thank goodness

but i have a very hard time with waking up from those specific kinds of nightmares, for the first couple minutes (and boy is that whole objective/subjective time thing Spot On) i don’t know where i am. i don’t recognize my room, i don’t feel anything but a sort of vague rejection of everything

potential spoilers under the cut

i found the extended time it took Murderbot to basically rebuild its brain was incredibly emotionally fulfilling and made me actually cry, not just my theatrical reaction memes.

when you come out of any trauma, emotional or physical, there is this really long period of time where you feel just sort of blank. i dunno if it’s shock, i don’t have the educational background to say that’s what it is actually but just calling it shock as a placeholder

you’re aware, sort of, you might even be semi-functioning, but the shock doesn’t wear off overnight. you sleep a lot, and the time you’re awake you don’t feel awake, you have these sort of fits and starts of the world coming into focus again, but they don’t last and that can be really frustrating, and i really liked how Murderbot was sort of tracking those milestones, x hours this happened, y cycles this happened, finally at z, I was able to do this.

i hear a lot about therapists talking about journaling, but i wasn’t really able to do that because when i sit down to try to think about how i feel i start spiraling negatively and just Feel Bad, and i wind up with a hundred pages of variations on the theme of I Hate Everything over and over again with no actual progress

what i found helpful for me, when i decided i wanted to track my progress because i didn’t feel like i was getting better but sometimes it seemed like i was (i was experiencing curiosity anyway, that was new!) was to have a big 1 year wall calendar (it was like 8 years old but it had the full 365 days on it that was the important part) i could quickly grab a marker and mark off moments when i felt… anything not horrible. And at first it was just not horrible, then slightly more alert, then more or less okay, then kinda better, then pretty alright. Hey yesterday my knee hurt but today it doesn’t. Enjoying my cup of coffee. Like the color of this sweater. It rained and the air smells good. I didn’t say what was what, just a little x in the box for the day for anything not horrible.

it’s one big thing that lets you actually see the overall picture

and gradually i noticed that some days had no x’s, but some days did, and then some days had more than one, and i could see the clusters were getting closer together.

it helped.

the other thing that made me cry for realizes was the way Murderbot’s humans treated it while it was recovering.

growing up, and then throughout my marriage, i was not allowed to have negative emotions—when i slipped (and I’m not talking about blowing up (which isn’t to say i never did) i’m talking about things like not smiling quickly enough or enthusiastically enough—i had to convince a very skeptical audience how happy/thankful/excited i was all the time), or else there was always always always a backlash and that backlash lasted days at the minimum.

Murderbot is cranky, and rude, and hostile at them—swearing at Gurathin, snapping at all of them, no thank you or even recognition for saving it in return (and this after it specifically noted it liked being recognized/thanked for when it was doing the saving), or continuing to protect it; I’m not your pet robot, I don’t want to be a human, I don’t like planets

—and they let it get away with that behavior. it wasn’t punished, or disciplined, or corrected, there were no consequences, even Pin Lee never paired the we’re trying to help you card with the so don’t talk to us like that card.

that just

physically hurt to get through

but in a good way!

.

anyway.

this series has been so high stakes back to back (and I have loved every second of it but) I’m looking forward to what I hear is a slightly slower pace in Fugitive Telemetry.

#wow this got long #sorry #sunny personal #sunny liveblogs #depression #anxiety #nightmares #tagging for the people who need to block #trauma #abuse #the murderbot diaries #murderbot #exit strategy #sunny overshares

[docgold13]

365 Marvel Comics Paper Cut-Out SuperHeroes - One Hero, Every Day, All Year…

November 16th - The White Queen

Emma Frost was born in Boston, Massachusetts, to the wealthy Winston and Hazel Frost. Emma had been the third of four children and her father was a cold, ruthless, and domineering parent who imposed impossibly high standards on his children.  Emma’s mother, meanwhile, turned to prescription drugs to cope with the tensions of her household and was largely uninvolved in her children’s lives. 

Emma’s Mutant telepathic abilities manifested in early adolescence.  She found that she could read minds and alter the thoughts, attitudes and beliefs of others.  She ultimately used this power to blackmail her father.  Her father was actually impressed by his daughter’s actions and he offered to make her his sole heir to the family fortune.  Emma rejected the offer, left home and decided to make her own way in the world. 

Following misadventures on the street, Emma became a student at Empire State University and met the fellow Mutant telepath, Astrid Bloom.  Bloom was more apt at using her psychic abilities and she helped to train Emma to further hone her skills.  Some time thereafter, Emma was invited to the Hellfire Club, an underground elite society.  Whist involved with this society, Frost discovered the plans of Edward Buckman and Steven Lang to destroy all Mutants. Alongside Sebastian Shaw, Lourdes Chantel, and Harry Leland, Emma battled Lang's Sentinels. She killed Buckman and the Council of the Chosen and then, alongside Shaw, took control of the Hellfire Club.  Shaw became the society’s ‘Black King’ and Emma took the role of the ‘White Queen.’

During her time with the Hellfire Club, Frost created the Massachusetts Academy, an educational institute for training young Mutants.  Her best students formed a tactical team known as ‘The Hellions’ who would go on to have multiple run-ins with the New Mutants squad of the Xavier School.  Sadly, many of The Hellions were killed during a confrontation with the time-traveling villain known as Trevor Fitzroy.  

Taking time to recover from this terrible loss, Emma ended up aligned with The X-Men in battling the Phalanx.  Emma agreed to help train the young Mutants the Phalanx had targeted and, alongside the X-Man Banshee, she led the Generation X team.  This squad eventually disbanded and Emma relocated to the island haven of Genosha.  Emma taught at a school on Genosha until a genocidal Sentinel attack killed most of the island's inhabitants.  Frost survived due to the sudden manifestation of her secondary mutation: the power to transform herself into a flexible, near-invulnerable, diamond-like substance. 

After being rescued, Frost joined the X-Men and took on a teaching position at The Xavier Institute.  She mentored a group of telepathic quintuplets, the Stepford Cuckoos, who quickly became her prized pupils. Frost and the Cuckoos proved themselves when they thwarted the schemes of the villainous Cassandra Nova. 

Frost continued on as a member of The X-Men and became lovers with Cyclops.  She would later be possessed by the Phoenix Force during the Avengers versus X-Men event.  

More recently, Emma has reclaimed her title as The White Queen, only now as chief executive officer of the Hellfire Trading Company.  This company is responsible for legally exporting the miracle drugs produced on the Mutant nation of Krakoa.  As White Queen, Emma Frost has a seat on the Quiet Council, the ruling body of Krakoa.  In addition, she created the Marauders, a team led by Kitty Pryde and responsible for handling the black market for the miracle drugs, among other concerns.

Emma Frost has appeared in a number of the Fox Films X-Men movies, portrayed by actresses January Jones and Tahyna MacManus.  The villain turned heroine first appeared in the pages of X-men Vol. 1 #129 (1979).

#365 Marvel Comics Heroes #White Queen #Emma Frost #X-Men #Hellfire Club #January Jones #Tahyna MacManus #cut-out #paper art

[yandere-romanticaa]

Hi I hope your well, I love your blog, I was wondering what you think of this man..

I feel like he would be a great Yandere 😆💜💜💜💜😳🤭

I've never seen this man but the mustache is killing me. What sort of Pepe le Pew reject is this? He looks like he'd say that "are you lost baby girl" line from 365 days.

#♥️ girlie says #🖤ppatricia34me

[thatfreshi]

angst you say? how about hiding something in fear of abandonment or rejection despite the fact that people insist they like you and want to help? take that from any angle and as painful you like and resolve it any way you see fit

Went ahead and used this as an excuse to make a fic about my experiences with my autoimmune disorder. I know it's kind of specific, but I hope you guys enjoy :) Also TW for vomit

You and Mark are a little complicated. After being together for about a year, you feel like there’s still so much to uncover about each other, all the time. To most people that’s fun, exciting, even a little dramatic. You find out things about extended family members, random childhood moments that forged your lover into the person they are today. Mark digs, he looks for any piece of treasure he can find in your mind. Mainly he just lets you talk for as long as you want, and he’s found over the years that if you stay silent, people will spill all their secrets in time. It’s been a long time, almost 365 days, and you have one major piece of the puzzle left unsaid. 

Since the two of you have known each other, he’s known about the random pain, the trouble walking sometimes, the times that you’re sick for seemingly no reason. You chalk it up to bad genetics, which isn’t necessarily a lie. When you’re frozen to the touch in the evening and fine the next morning, Mark just rolls along with what you need. After all, if you don’t know what’s wrong, why should he? That is, until things began to get concerning.

One morning, you awoke to the sounds of traffic and squirrels equally skittering about. You sat up to look out the window, but you couldn’t see the squirrels, so you attempted to stand, and that’s when you fell, hitting your head on the nightstand. Mark was already awake and ran in as soon as the startling noise reached his ears.

“Y/n, are you alright?”

He goes to kneel beside you and you feel your head. No blood, but you’re dizzy, and your legs feel like bricks. 

“I- I don’t know.”

You’re honest about your illness for the first time ever, even if it’s not an explanation. You really don’t know if you’re okay. This is the worst it’s ever been.

“What happened?”

You explain how you just wanted to look out the window, you see a tear form in the corner of his right eye, followed soon by the left.

“I’m really worried about you. It seems like every month things just get worse and worse. I think you should go see someone, at least to see if you have a concussion.”

At this point you’re too sick with worry to object, especially considering you can barely walk. You nod ever so slightly.

“Okay. I’ll go.”

Mark helps you back onto the bed and he calls your doctor, who luckily has an opening in about thirty minutes. Thank god for cancellations. He gets ready enough to look presentable to the world, and helps you get some sweatpants on.

The car ride feels like it takes forever. You know he’s going to have to help you into the exam room. Your knees and hips hurt so bad. Would’ve been nice to take some meds before you left, but he doesn’t even know about everything you take. You suddenly feel violently ill, and beg him to pull the car over. You vomit in the median, knees hitting the short city-mandated grass. Something must be incredibly wrong for you to be this sick.

Fifteen minutes later, after helping you back into the car and stopping at some random fast food place to grab napkins, you make it to the doctor’s office. You don’t tell him how bad it hurts, or how you probably should’ve taken your meds that he doesn’t know exist. You just let him take you into the office and wait for your doctor.

“It’s gonna be okay, okay?”

He squeezes your hand, and you try not to throw up again. You can’t tell if the puking is from the pain or the anxiety. Before you make an assumption, your doctor calls your name, and Mark is helping you walk again. The next couple of minutes are a blur. You can’t hear anything, and Mark tries desperately to explain to her what’s going on with you. You know she’s writing stuff down, but you don’t know what either of them are saying. It’s over. She’s going to say it. He needs to know. But what then?

“Well, based on the symptoms you’re describing, it seems like she’s just having a really intense flareup.”

You perk up, finally snapping back into reality when you hear that word. Flareup. You’ve never said it to him, not even when it was about something entirely unrelated.

“What… what does that mean?”

“Well, with the disorder, it’s common after a lot of physical or emotional stress for a patient to get sick for a short period of time, anywhere from a couple of hours to a month.”

“What disorder? What do you mean? Y/n, what disorder?”

Your doctor suddenly realizes what’s going on and grabs your files.

“I’ll let you two have some privacy.”

You stare at your dangling feet.

“What does she mean?”

The fear in his voice, it’s exactly what you wanted to avoid. You wanted to be normal, not a medical case, not a dead man walking.

“I uh… I’m sick.”

“Yeah, obviously, we both know that.”

“No Mark, like, like I’m permanently sick. I have an autoimmune disorder, and I’m in pain every single day, and I take tons of meds because of it. My body doesn’t work.”

After that, your own tears finally rise up.

“What? I’ve never even… what does that mean?”

You try to start the sentence between all of the shakes and sobs.

“My immune system doesn’t work, and my joints don’t work right, and when I get sick it’s a lot worse than when other people get sick.”

He sits down next to you on the horrible crinkle paper they lay down.

“So, you’ve been like this the whole time and you just, never told me?”

“I didn’t want you to give up on me in case something might happen. I mean… this… this could kill me. And I just thought you might not wanna waste your time with someone who could just disappear.”

You fall into his side, sobbing into an unclean shirt he threw on after you fell. He wraps himself around you. For a little bit, it’s silent. Your breath evens out eventually, and you sit up, looking into his eyes.

“I’m sorry. I should’ve told you, I was just so scared. I didn’t want you to leave, or even worse, feel obligated to take care of me.”

He wipes away a tear and moves your hair out of your face, like they do in the movies, except he accidentally gets an eyelash stuck in your eye. You can’t help but laugh, and it gets him to smile a little.

“I don’t think anything could make me leave you. Sure, I wish you told me, and I have a fuck ton of more questions, but all I care about right now is making sure you’re okay. And if that means I’m making sure you’re okay all the way to your deathbed, then that’s just how it has to be.”

You sigh in relief, and the two of you hug a little while longer. When your doctor comes back in, she gives you some blood work to go get done and hands Mark some information to get him caught up. You thank her for being understanding, and she recommends upping your pain meds and getting some kind of mobility aid. When you and Mark get home you lay by him on the couch, letting the new pain meds kick in. Despite being exhausted, you notice his laptop screen. He’s looking up canes. You smile, kiss his hand, and drift off to sleep.

#markiplier x reader #markiplier #angst #comfort

[axolotlsforlife]

~November 20th~

Tonight I find my mind drifting back to the past

365 days atlast

But the timing seems to fast

Thinking back to the water around

The brown sweater I had found

Eyes into eyes, hypnotized like wine

Gazing into a treasure I hoped could be mine

The very morning hopeless

Yet when she was at the table

Everything seemed able

Except for my claim

My unrealistic future in frame

My body traveled closer resting waters

I was invisible unseen

But light like yours shined like a beam

Welcome spread

Forever in my head

A whole week

I was weak

Obsessed

Possesed

By you

Yet I hoped you would be too

Confession but then what was thought to be

Rejection

Jealousy calling me

Fantasy calling me

Please see me

Then she did a shape on my cheek

You left me

But you didn’t leave instead I was freed

My fondest memory

Hearts far apart yet felt

365 days feelings not changed

Now bigger

Love moved quicker

Fallen when eyes met

Still falling, hoping to never land

#love poem #poem and poetry #poetry #poems #poet #words words words #poetic

[lilac-5ky]

Hugging Takasugi during different seasons

A/N: WOO IS THIS A LOW EFFORT POST? YOU BET IT IS! but finishing my current writing project takes so long and I feel depressed since it's heavy on angst and I want some fluff so there you go!

Warning: didn't have the time to proofread ;-; fluff that gets a bit suggestive? nothing over the top though.

❄️Winter❄️

What makes you think that cold weather is enough to get him to dress up? He is undoubtedly flaunting his bare skin even if it's snowing outside. Man knows no shame cold.

But that's exactly what makes him so huggable!

You walk up to him, wrapping both arms around his waist and pressing your head against his uncovered chest. He doesn't budge, but he looks at you with that "What do you think you are doing" look, most certainly quirking a brow.

"It's cold! Let me warm up!"

Of course if you told him that you were looking to warm him up specifically, he'd turn you down, suggesting there's no need for it. But if you are the one shivering?

He'd yank your hands off him, only to fully bury them inside his yukata, allowing you to snake them around his bare torso. Flustered, you tilt your chin against his chest to face him, at which he smirks, content with your reaction.

"How about we warm these lips up as well?"

shameless asdfghjkl

🌸Spring🌸

You thought that with all the flowers blooming up, it'd be romantic to get Shinsuke out for some flower viewing with you. The weather was nice, the cherry trees were full of blossoms; an ideal scenery for an ideal date.

Walking side by side, you reached a secluded area for the two of you to gaze at them together. Terrorism and normal dates don't go hand in hand, and so once you'd made certain there was no way for the Shinsengumi to blast your date, you sat upon a fallen tree trunk.

Although he did have his objection about engaging in such idle activities, you could see a small smile curl his lips up. He looked so ethereal among the pink flowers, that you couldn't help your self but lean against his shoulder, loosely wrapping both arms around him.

"There's no one I'd rather watch the flowers wi-"

Before you could finish your sentence, a wild sneeze cut it in half. Talk about embarrassing! You squeeze your eyes shut, expecting to get murdered in cold blood.

Eventually you find the courage to look up at him, spelling a nasal "Sowwy", the kind that forces a giggle out of his lips. He lifts his hand and you close your eyes again, awaiting your execution, though rather than doing that, Takasugi gently taps the tip of your nose with his index.

"Cute." He says, booping your nose. "Very cute."

🐬Summer🐬

The odds of getting Takasugi to join you for a swim are less than Gintoki paying his yakult debt off to him. Not just that, but he is the type of person to harbor an intense dislike for visiting overpopulated beaches.

And so rather than going outside, the two of you ended up in his room as usually, him sitting by the window like a cat bathing in the sun, and you trying to fan yourself with whatever object came in handy.

He doesn't look bothered by the heat in the slightest, and why should he, when he spends 365 days of the year dressed in the bare minimum? From time to time, he shoots you a look, without doing so much as to indulge to your whims and take you out.

Frustrated, you walk towards him, nesting in between his spread legs. He doesn't reject you, but you hear him sight, mumbling under his breath that this won't help you get rid of your issue. Ignoring his comment, you take hold of his arms, placing them around your body while leaning back against his chest, surprised at the rather cool sensation.

"Wow, they are right about cold-hearted guys having no issue with the heat."

"Wow, they are right about summer being the season of ticks." He huffs in annoyance.

Stubbornly, the two of you remain in this position until he caves in, unhooking his arms. "Perhaps scrubbing them off will do the trick." He says suggestively, glancing towards the bathroom.

So what if he called you a pest? You had no intention to reject his invitation, though unsurprisingly, things turned steamier than before once you joined the shower( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

🍁Fall🍁

The season of fallen leaves, Halloween, and of course, rain.

It's no surprise that Takasugi gets increasingly obnoxious and grumpy during such times. He's expressed his dislike towards downpours on multiple occasions, but the world is not going to self destruct on its own. He has to keep going, even if that means getting soaked, or worse, catching a cold.

With abandon, he chooses to continue his traveling towards his destination, nearly unaware of the fact that you are tagging behind him with an umbrella stretched over his head as if you are filming a historical drama. Unlike him, you are the type to check the weather forecast before going out, and you had no intention to let him get soaked.

You try your best to shield him from the rain, while he ignores you Or rather, he knows what it is you are doing, and is simply teasing you by accelerating and then decelerate his pace. You go between running after him and hitting the edge of the umbrella against his skull, until finally he turns around and faces you.

He smiles, secretly thankful that it's you that always has his back. The girl to catch lone raindrop and never let go.

Extending his hand towards you, he takes the umbrella and then pulls you onto him. You are both drenched from head to toes, but it doesn't matter anymore, not when you have each other.

"Thank you." He whispers, ending the silence between you with a gentle kiss.

Who said terrorists can't be romantic?

#gintama #gintama fanfiction #gintama imagine #gintama headcanons #gintama oneshot #gintama x reader #takasugi imagine #takasugi shinsuke x reader #Takasugi x reader #Takasugi Shinsuke #takasugi hcs #takasugi headcanons #shinsuke <3