The inadequacy beast has been rather taxing lately.
I design buildings for a living. There is quite a lot that goes into the design of a building and architecture school can be rather intense as a result. It isn't uncommon for a professor to literally tear your project apart. Really, I have seen models ripped in half. This doesn't instill a sense of worth in what is produced. Even when grades didn't reflect this harsh criticism, I still carried it. It was good motivation to keep improving, even though it came at the cost of my pride.
The work place is different from architecture school. Where before I would at least get a grade at the end of a project saying I did good, now I have nothing. I am spending every day working on projects I barely receive feedback on, never knowing if I am too slow or not good enough. Constantly feeling inadequate. Architecture school is fantastic at teaching someone to make a variety of pretty renderings and write words about them. (That's all these posts are.) It is less good at teaching the reality that no one can afford anything nicer than a box. That buildings are actually stupidly detailed. That I barely learned anything at all.
Topping off this mental mess is the trans problem. I'm already so scared of losing this job. I feel like I can't risk being myself. I can't afford to give anyone any reason to dislike me, even if they're ultimately in the wrong.
I would be far worse off without this artistic outlet. I'm glad I can at least get some cool art out of this stress.
GUYS GUYS GUYS!
LOOK AT THIS AMAZING PIECE OF WORK THAT SOMEONE MADE
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE GO FOLLOW HE MADE!!!
Dude I'm SCREAMING AT HOW WELL DONE THIS IS!!