#4) i cant really remember people. even the ones closest to me. any memories i had of them are just so blurry now. they feel more like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ifandomus · 3 years

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It just dawned on me that the chair used to wipe Bucky’s memories was never even mentioned or alluded to in tfatws. Like, outside of the trauma words, I’ve always associated the chair heavily with Bucky’s trauma and torture and to not discuss it all!? Seriously? But then again that would have gone against the never narrative they’re trying to manipulate us into believing that Bucky was at least somewhat complicit in what HYDRA forced him to do 🙄 (also please say so if me sending you tfatws asks ever gets annoying)

Thank you for the ask!! And its not annoying at all! I really love getting and answering asks, but my executive dysfunction unfortunately makes it take a while.

Yes this really irritates me too. Did they even mention the amnesia? I really dont want to rewatch it to check for just that.

I think the closest they got to mention the horrific things done to him was when Zemo made light of his imprisonment. There was also the heavy implications in the scene with Shelby. Other than that it was entirely ignored at all times apart from the flashback scene* at the start of episode 4. However that was kind of undercut by when the scene was in the series.

*(I still cant believe that the people who created the rest of the series, also created this scene. My leading theory is that all they did was give Florence the list of words and told her and Sebastian that their characters were testing them, then they let the actors take it from there. And then they let an amazing editor pick the flashbacks. That is the only way it makes any kind of sense for me)

So yeah. Apart from one somehow amazing scene that was undercut by its placement in the series, there wasnt any mentions of it.

They also made the whole ‘would you take the supersoldier serum?’ a huge moral question, but didnt say one word that the serum was forced on Bucky which was literally medical torture. Just remember how the ones we have seen on screen (like Steve and the hydra death squad) reacted to getting it (and unlike Bucky they consented and were surrounded by people they could trust). And also remember how he was both physically and mentally when Steve found him in ca:tfa. He was even repeating his name and serial number which is something soldiers are taught to do if they are ever tortured.

Bucky was imprisoned, experimented on, frozen alive several times, tortured and abused for 70 years. Hydra stole his memories until he didnt remember anything or anyone. He didnt even remember his loved ones or his own name. They took everything from him, and any time there was any chance of him regaining anything they painfully ripped it away from him so that they could continue to use him as a weapon and however else they used him.

Bucky was hydras biggest victim, now he is their scapegoat

They introduced Isaiah, another character who was imprisoned, experimented on, dehumanised, tortured and abused for decades, and nothing. They introduced dr Nagel who admitted to working on the winter soldier program (aka the torture and abuse that went into keeping him as the winter soldier) for over 20 years, and nothing. We get a scene where they literally pretends to sell Bucky with some really heavy implications, and nothing. Still absolutely no actual mentions of anything that was done to him. I am still wondering if something happened to them right after that horrific scene with Selby that made them all forget it or something.

Its clear from the interviews that both the director and head writer victimblames Bucky. They are holding him accountable instead of the nazi terrorist organisation that brainwashed and mindcontrolled him. And yes, I also guess that even mentioning the extremely painful ways they controlled him would be a threat to the narrative they wanted.

I havent felt such an amount of manipulation from a MCU project since civil war and endgame

#mcu #ask #pro bucky barnes #bucky barnes #tfatws critical #anti tfatws

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factual-fantasy · 3 years

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20 MORE asks?? :DD Thanks you guys!!

Bash Buggy would put the entire popsicle in his mouth, bite down and try to pull the popsicle stick out. Usually it works and he would start freaking out because its too cold, he would then try to chew it really fast and swallow it. Just resulting in his mouth being even colder.

He does this every single time despite it usually being an unpleasant experience.

Same here. I was hesitant to draw it at first but eventually gave in. I’m so glad I did XD.

Well, its going better than last time at least. Although people have stopped voting..

Two characters have made it to 5 votes, and most others stand at 3 or 4 votes. I think those are as many votes I’m going to get unfortunately so I’m just going to have to work with what I have.. votes are still open though! :}

Thank you very much!! ♡♡♡ I’m a little better today.

I am self taught, and have been drawing for as long as I can remember. Some of my oldest memories are drawing related. So about 10+ years or so? I know, its a little embarrassing that I’ve only come so far in 10 years. Although I suppose for most of those years I was very young and didn’t know what I was doing sooo...

Anyway, I got some helpful tips from a very talented relative and went to a class that taught me stuff I had already taught myself, but that’s about it. Everything else was stuff I learned myself. :}

No I haven’t heard of him, but now I have and I’m addicted XD

I have 17 Decepticon OCs so far and 1 Autobot that have yet to be drawn.

I haven’t drawn any of the Cons character reference sheets yet, but I hope to someday. The closest I got to drawing a proper picture of one of them was this drawing with Big Blue.

(Big Blue looks like this in alt mode btw 👇)

*You throw a doughnut into the puddle*

*The doughnut disappeared*

*You throw the love into the puddle*

*The love disappeared*

*You hear a pleased hum from the puddle*

You mean these guys? Man.. its been a hot minute since I’ve thought about them.

Well, hmm.. I’m not sure what I can talk about.. Maybe I can refresh you on the general story?

Okay so, the two kids Nokah and Aneal lived on a little island together with their mom and dad. Sometime when they were very little, their mom passed away from some kind of illness. Later on, their dad was killed in a raid where slave traders came in and took all the villagers they could and killed those that stood in their way. Their dad being one of them.

They stuck together thankfully and were brought from place to place until they were eventually sold and were on a ship that was going to take them to their new owners.

While they were sailing, a pirate ship showed up and began to raid the slave ship.

Captain Arthur, the red parrot guy, found these two kids below deck and rescued them. The kids were fed, cleaned and clothed. After they settled, they told the prates their story. The pirates discussed the situation and decided that they cant just keep the kids, they have to bring them to their own kind where they can have a long and prosperous life. Because the life of a pirate is no life for a child.

So off they go, to an island pretty darn far away to take these kids to an orphanage that is populated with with species similar to theirs.

By the time they got there, the kids and the crew got attached to each other. But Arthur pushed on, wanted to do what was best for the children. This part of the story is foggy, but something broke the camels back for Arthur. He couldn’t bare to part with the kids for one reason or another and brought them back to his ship, officially making them pirates and valued crew members.

There’s more to the other characters that I have built.. Like how Arthurs ship belonged to his mother and he grew up on it. Him moms ship is one of 3 very beautiful and rare ships that were way past their time when it came to architecture and technology.

After his mother died, his ship was stolen and sold away to some hawk guy or something. Solomon, the blue parrot, was one of his employees and was put in charge of the ship. Arthur started working for the hawk guy and was eventually promoted to one of the cleaning crew guys who was supposed to clean his moms ship. No one knew the ship rightfully belonged to Arthur.

He gained Solomon's trust and kissed the ground he walked on to make him let his guard down. Solomon wasn’t supposed to leave the ship under anyone else’s watch, but he did. He was lazy and told Arthur to watch the ship for that night. Arthur could be trusted with the ship couldn’t he? Of course he can be trusted. What’s the worst that could happen?

The next day Arthur and his mothers ship were gone without a trace. Solomon’s reputation was ruined and he got a real harsh talking to about how stupid it was of him to let the ship fall in someone else’s hands.

Don’t feel bad for Solomon, he’s a really nasty and narcissistic character, he deserved that. Anyway, Arthur got away with his mother’s ship finally and chose to become a pirate to protect it. He slowly built a crew of people that he considered family and has been sailing the world ever since.

Him and his crew are always on the move, his ship is very desired so its raided very often. And Arthur is pretty sure that Solomon is still out there somewhere.. looking for him. So because of these factors, Arthur ever doesn’t leave his ship. Despite how bad that is physically and mentally for a bird.

His crew will go to an uninhabited island and just take a break for a few days on the beach. But Arthur?.. I mean, he might fly around for a bit or go for a walk on the sand, but ultimately he’ll just stay on deck where he can monitor his ship.

There’s other things too, like how Solomon catches up to them with a small fleet of ships and stuff like that.. buuuut I feel like I’m rambling a bit too much..

I’m very glad you remembered my OCs and were interested enough to ask about them. Feel free to ask any more questions about them if there’s anything else you want to know! ♡മ◡മ♡

Hug??

Also thank you, I’m very glad you love it! (♡´౪`♡)

Thank you! :} My top favorite cartoon shows, 1 being top and 5 being bottom are..

Gravity Falls

Transformers Prime

Spongebob

Octonauts

Beetle Baily

Don’t judge, I know they’re all mostly kids shows... I would’ve added The Three Stooges in Transformers Prime’s place, but that’s not a cartoon..

ALL OF THE THANK YOU’S!!!

I’m so flattered that you think I’m a wonderful artist! I really do try to make things look nice, and I’m glad you see that. :}

When it comes to dedication, I surprised myself with how long I’ve stuck with these characters so far, usually I’d loose passion by now. :o Same with the designs too! I have no idea how I was able to make them. But I’m glad you like them none the less. ,,●ᴗ●,,

When it comes to patience? I guess I just.. I don’t know, XD Normally I don’t have much of it. I guess the real life connection I have to the real cars helps out my patience when it comes to drawing them..? None the less, I’m glad that you noticed!

I know drawing machinery and drawing it consistently can be very hard. I suppose you just need to have a reference on hand and try your best to mimic it.

And yeah, clearly I am very sensitive, but don’t worry about your comment! I took it as a compliment. :} Other people seem to think that I’m a kind and sensible person who deserves happiness, so it must be true! X3

Anyway, thank you for all the lovely compliments and the good luck wish with my job, I’m probably going to need it. I appreciate all that you’ve said and am very flattered! ♡ඩᴗඩ♡

I have heard of the movie and how great it is, but I have not seen it yet. :/ I plan to though! It looks very pretty. :}

Well, a long time ago sometime after the show had been completed, I stumbled into the fandom. I ended up really liking Ford as a character to the point I was convinced to watch the show. And of course, I got addicted XD

When it comes to my favorite episodes? Hmm.. I really like Carpet Diem, and Headhunters. Although I’m sure there are more that I like. :}

Thank you. Honestly my first day was 100% fine, I just got emotional for no reason afterwards and cried a lot. I blame the 2 hours of sleep.

When it comes to my very first OC? It would be impossible to tell.. I have been drawing for a very long time and my memory simply doesn’t go back that far.

So.. I cant show you my first one for sure.. however.. quite a while back, I redrew some really old OCs I found. So these guys are SUPER old. I can show you them at least. :}

Yikes, I had no idea what I was doing back then did I?

When it comes to most attached to, that is always changing so I cant say for sure.

I actually am small enough that I can probably fit in a regular refrigerator freezer, but thank you for offering a different sized one. :}

Also, if the contents of my head are liquid now, wouldn’t making me cold or freezing me be bad?

I have only watched Transformers: Prime and the Bayverse movies. I haven't finished Transformers: Prime yet though, I keep forgetting to..

I considered watching other adaptions once I was finished with Prime, but none of the art styles quite appeal to me..

*You place the bucket and mop on the floor beside the puddle*

*The puddle moves away from the bucket and mop*

*You hear a muffled “I’m good, thanks.” beneath the puddle.*

(Referring to an older ask)

Also thank you, I’m very glad I finally got one. :}

#my response #transformer ocs #my ocs

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sherry-l · 4 years

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Why YGO Vrains is such an immeasurable disappointment: a list

First of all, I need to make it abundantly clear that Im a big fan of Vrains – I love Yusaku, Ryoken, Ai, Kusanagi... you see them very often on my dash. I fantasize about the ideal version of Vrains that’s written well, the Vrains that’s fully exploited its potentials, every night in my sleep. I wrote this list PRECISELY because I love Vrains. That’s why I got so frustrated with its cardinal writing issues (and production issues). It physically pains me to hear people calling Vrains the worst and most boring series of YGO – but the fact that I couldn’t argue against that because it’s true pains me more.

And now, an incomprehensive list of the faults of Yugioh Vrains.

1. What the fuck is wrong with the character designs (beside that of Yusaku and Ryoken???) Everyone looks aesthetically displeasing – characters in real life look incredibly boring they could easily drown in a crowd of background characters, but their avatars are OSTENTATIOUS. Seems like the character designer had no clue what “less is more” means – blue angel, soulburner, and Bohemann for example, look like they were immersed in a bucket of glue and then dumped into another bucket filled with random accessories.

(from a fan artist’s perspective…Im especially salty about takeru, akira, Kusanagi, and the Knights of Hanois’ designs…like, their designs don’t inspire me to draw. Their personalities might be interesting, but their looks lack the vibrant, enthusiastic energy that the 5Ds, Zexal, and Arc-V characters possess)

(imagine how many fanfics and fanarts of Kusanagi x Yusaku there would be had Kusanagi looked HALF as hot as Ryoken)

And don’t even get me started on the colour palette – whoever decided on the colours just cant make up their goddamn mind! Colour saturation is way off the charts, the range of colour is too wide the audience simply dont know where to focus.

2. Forgotten plotlines. Yusaku’s link sense? Hanoi’s spy in SOL? The Queen and the rest of the chess pieces? Yusaku’s forgotten memories? The rest of the victims of the Lost Incident? Just to name a few.

3. Character relationships are weak to minimal to none. Bonds and friendships – the vital element in all previous YGO series – is practically non-existent in Vrains. Where’s the camaraderie between our main casts (Yusaku, Aoi, Soulburner, Ema, Onizuka, etc…)? They don’t feel like a team fighting the evil together. They’re completely separate individuals who don’t give a single fuck if one of their…acquaintance…dies in a battle. We don’t have heartwarming moments of friendship blossoming and consolidating. It’s honestly such a let down.

4. Interesting and debatable topics thrown away. The conflict between artificial intelligence and humans could spark so many in-depth discussions, but then the writer just decided its all Lightening’s fault. No morally gray situations, no ambiguity between the line of good and evil. It’s just all Lightening and his petty jealousy… yeah.

Oh and if Ai lives on the world will blow up. Why? Do we have a concrete reason to back that statement? eh...

5. Overall quality of the animation. I don’t know if its because the animation staff was short on time or low on budget, but for a megacorporation (konami cough cough) that makes billions every year, they certainly are capable of investing more in this anime series. I can count the number of episodes in which the characters don’t look wacky with a single hand.

6. Character development, wasted potentials. Ryoken is the only character who received decent treatment. The rest of the Vrains cast are all disappointments. Original concepts are cool and promising – Yusaku, a victim of child abuse with PTSD, embarking on a journey to overcome his reclusiveness and learn to open up to people around him? HELL YEAH. Aoi, a teenage idol with depression developing into a more mature and responsible heroine who saves Link Vrains? IM ALL FOR IT. Soulburner’s character arc is fine overall but personally I don’t feel like it’s expanded enough. Also, there’s the mistreatment of side characters like Onizuka, Ema, Akira, the list goes on. I got so furious just looking at these characters and remembering that they’re all wasted and sidelined.

7. Incoherent/ random plotlines. IDK all episodes in season 1 (Hanoi’s arc) felt pretty consistent, focusing on a linear theme – Yusaku’s revenge on the Knights of Hanoi. But after that it felt like the writers gave up writing outlines and just wrote whatever he pleased/ considered more convenient for the sake of…a plot…that he had no idea which direction it was headed for. This is reflected in the amount of forgotten plotlines we listed previously.

8. Weak villains. Kinda related to point 4. Bohemann, Lightening, Windy, and Haru are all one-dimensional, flat, predictable villains with the cliché goal of “destroying humanity cuz humans are dumb and Ais are superior”. Not likeable, not fun to watch, not morally gray (something I expect from well-written antagonists), they are just there to serve as symbol of evil for the protags to defeat.

Honourable mentions - what I personally want to see in Vrains, really. Very biased.

- The familial interaction between Yusaku and Kusanagi? Brotherhood, perhaps? Without any mention of Yusaku’s parents, Kusanagi is the closest Yusaku has to a brother figure. I crave for some wholesome brotherly moments between these two.

- More slice of life episodes please.

- The friendship between Yusaku and Takeru. Please. Please. PLEASE. From the second opening we can see the animation staff CLEARLY intended for there to be a strong bond between Yusaku and Takeru – Takeru probably was written to serve as a Jounouchi/ Johan/ Crow sort of character. Yusaku and Takeru could bond over their trauma and overcome their PTSD together. AND IT WAS SO HEAVILY HINTED AT IN THE 2ND OP!!! fam what the fuck happened to that friendship, Im so robbed.

- Yusaku and Ryoken’s duel or tag duel. These two haven’t duelled AT ALL since the first season ended. Isn’t Ryoken Yusaku’s official rival? Isn’t it Yugioh tradition for the protag and the rival to duel like, a trillion times? AND ISNT IT ALSO A YUGIOH TRADITION FOR THE PROTAG AND THE RIVAL TO TAG DUEL?????? The fact that Yusaku and Ryoken never had a tag duel haunts me every night in my worst nightmares afjw4ot9wgrk

- Topologina Nabee

Thanks for coming to my ted talk, this marks the end of my rant on YGO VRAINS DISAPPOINTMENTS. Again, I harboured no malicious intent when I compiled the list – its more like a vent of frustration than actual criticism. I would pay billions to see a Vrains reboot or, if there exists an alternate universe where none of the writing/production issues above are present in Vrains, I would do a Kaiba and build a dimension travelling machine and immigrate there.

TLDR: wasted potentials. wAsTED PoTEntialS. WASTED POTENTIALS!!!!!!

#yugioh #yugioh vrains #rant

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noahhernandez · 4 years

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2/9/2015 v. 8/11/2020

1:Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie. My favorite movie is Scream, and it started when I saw the midnight premier of Scream 4 with my dad back when I was in 8th grade, then Scream 1 came on AMC late on night and I just really like it

I still think Scream is one of my favorites, but Halloween has jumped up there just because I am obsessed with all things horror really lol. I started to love Halloween because of the new trilogy.

2:Talk about your first kiss. It’s really not that interesting but really like embarrassing. It was with my first boyfriend and I had just turned 15 and we were at the school just walking around and we went into the band hall and I was like ok im leaving and he was like wait and we kissed and i was like o

the same !

3:Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for. I never really have had intense feelings for anyone. I d k

One my exes- I mean we were dating for awhile so that’s pretty intense to me.

4:Talk about the thing you regret most so far. I regret… Nothing really I mean, I have done really bad things in my life, but i don’t regret them

I regret failing like 2 semesters of college lmao and almost dropping out. If i didn’t then I would 1- would have been done earlier and 2- would have already completed a year of grad school but IDK also another is wasting lots of money in 2017-2018

5:Talk about the best birthday you’ve had. The best birthday I’ve had was.. Idk This year was was nice I saw Iggy Azalea in concert, then I celebrated my friends’ birthday then mine and it was just everyone got to get together so ya this year my 18th

For my 21st birthday I went to Portland, Oregon and spent the weekend there and it was pretty and my first time there so it was nice despite what I think about PDX now. I don’t even know what I was doing for my 19 and 20th birthday lol.

6:Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had. My 17th birthday because I was stuck 2 hours away from home with a bunch of nerds doing a band competition

That is still probably my worst birthday. I forget to mention that I was gone literally from like 7am to midnight. They werent a bunch of loser nerds, they were my friends, but I still wish I was just at home lol.

7:Talk about your biggest insecurity. I am skinny, but not fit. If I eat anything I get this like stomach and it makes me so sad. and ever since I got a job I work odd hours and I eat a lot of fast food and I’ve gained 10 pounds in 2 years and I guess i’m insecure about my weight

I am still insecure about my weight, and I probably weight like 5 pounds more than I did when I made this post 5 1/2 years ago.

8:Talk about the thing you are most proud of. We have band banquets for band, and I only went my sophomore and junior year, and seniors give out awards to underclassmen that are just jokes really, and both years 4 different seniors gave me an award for being the biggest gossip in the entire band and I was proud of that lol

Well since then I have graduated both high school and college. I am proud that I finished college !! A BS in Psych. Proud of myself that I got promoted (in 2017) at my job; i’m proud of myself that I have my own apartment, and blah blah basically just doing regular adult shit.

9:Talk about little things on your body that you like the most. I like my nose because of how perfectly fixed it is. I also really like my freckles/moles/dark marks idk what they are exactly, but they’re on my face and they look great

I still feel the same way about this, maybe add my eyebrows- they’re not like clean and nice they’re just expression markers on my face that i love.

10:Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had. I got into a fight with my old friend Angelica and that was almost 4 months ago and we used to be best friends and now we never talk.

When Janett didn’t talk to me all summer of 2019 because I told our other friend Angel something

11:Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had. I cant remember one 12:Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had. I can’t remember one

13:Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time. The closest thing i’ve had to like sex was being locked in a back of an SUV with a stranger drunk as fuck and naked and its embarrassing

Just awkward and nothing to which I expected.

14:Talk about a vacation. When I was 16, the high school band took a trip to Hawaii, and all my friends were in band so it was great. We did a lot of things, we toured Pearl Harbor and even played a few patriotic songs on the USS Miss. and our hotel was on Wakiki beach. I went snorkeling in some beautiful water and shit and idk just walked all around Hawaii having a great time omg we got on stage at the Hard Rock Cafe and sang with German people i miss it

Hm that was fun. But I.. went to NY with my ex and that was pretty cool because I literally love New York, and I went to NOLA two years ago (today actually) and got miserably drunk so that was fun too

15:Talk about the time you were most content in life. Probably just in the middle of junior year when everything and everyone was going with the flow

I feel like 2016 was a very content year because I remember nothing about it.

16:Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to. Idk which one to talk about the one where I had a lot of fun and risked my life or the one where there was a lot of drama stirred up and drank myself to sadness.

I haven’t really been to a party? I have gone out and had good times. Really anytime my friends and I go out I am having a good time

17:Talk about someone you want to be friends with. I am already friends with people I want to be friends with

18:Talk about something that happened in elementary school. I kissed a boy on the back of the head and i told I just fell onto his head

Let me think of another one. Back in like fourth grade my friend was in a wheel chair and his backpack was falling from the back and I was trying to grab it and i was only 3 feet tall i couldnt see over or wasnt paying attention and i crashed him right into the bookshelves at the library.

19:Talk about something that happened in middle school. A girl was mad at me because idk why lol and she pushed me in the hall way and I fucking flew across that hall on the floor and hit the wall she’s pregnant now

When I was in 5th grade (which is considered middle school in my district) I was standing on the play ground and someone threw a stick at my head and it knocked me the fuck out and I was bleeding from my temple.

20:Talk about something that happened in high school. In Jr. Year I was pulling into the parking lot but I was texting and I accidentally put half my car on grass area near the side walk luckily it was 7am and only one person saw me do it lol

One summer going into our senior year we had a party at Michelle’s house. First of all we were very drunk and Coby’s parents were like we are coming over and we cleaned TF UP so fast and sat on the couch and turned on I Know What You Did Last Summer and his parents were like interesting and and left and then we continued to drink anyways- we started playing truth or dare and my friend Angelica was like I dare u to kiss Anthony (someone I had liked prior) and he wouldnt and we started attacking him and calling him homophobic and hitting him with pillows lmao- him and I are still friend-ish

21:Talk about a time you had to turn someone down. I can’t think of something right now.

Literally anyone on grindr.

22:Talk about your worst fear. I’m afraid of having no career and being stuck doing something I hate and living paycheck to paycheck

Yeah, I’m scared of that still but I.. think just like being broke and jobless. RN with the pandemic we aren’t really working and still getting gov’t assistance, so. IDK being a real real adult scares me a lot.

23:Talk about a time someone turned you down. I can’t think of a time :)

One time in like 2016 maybe idk - this dude told me to come over and he lived far like not that far maybe 25 minutes lol far for me anyways I got to his apartment and there was a gate code and i asked him what it was and he didnt answer and it was like 2-3am and nobody was coming in or out and so i was like damn this sucks lmao

24:Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot. Nothing really has meant a lot to me. Everyone tells me the same thing over and over again and its so surface level

I still can’t think of anything but I’m sure the friends I have met since this and my friends Faith, Michelle, Peter, and Alisa have said something supportive that meant a lot to me.

25:Talk about an ex-best friend. Angelica Ramirez. She was my best friend for only 3 years, but together we went through A LOT of shit. We started out senior year just fine, but she lied about a few things and made a lot of us feel like crap in October. I won’t lie, I do miss her. We have too many memories to just forget, too many funny stories and great adventures. She helped me with too much, and sometimes I think about how I cut her out of my life and I mad a bad choice. But only time can heal things and I have moved on and truly found people that won’t make me mad every 30 seconds.

Brianna Pajak, I don’t remember anything about her except she was poor and we stopped being friends because she always wanted to fight and be annoying.

26:Talk about things you do when you’re sick. Lay on bed on my computer and watch TV

I normally just suffer and cry about wishing I was healthy again.

27:Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body. Their…!!>>>???

I must have nice hands and ur nose must be nice too! so nose and hands. lol

28:Talk about your fetishes. none

yeah I don’t have any lol not that I can think of.

29:Talk about what turns you on. Idk i really like kissing and touching and this is awkward.

30:Talk about what turns you off. bad breath by

that and ugly/rough hands, acne sorry i know it is natural but, shorter than me lol, white people, long hair on guys, and thats about it i think hm i am single yes

31:Talk about what you think death is like. I think its like idk its scary tho

um idk i dont like thinking about death because i literally want to cry when i think about it.

32:Talk about a place you remember from your childhood. I remember being in trees a lot

My step grandma’s a lot because my parents were working and she would watch us. She passed away about a month ago :(

33:Talk about what you do when you are sad. I usually only tell one person and that person is Alisa and I cry sometimes to her and expect her to make things better and she does thank u

I be doing the same thing, I text someone and that person could really be anyone but it happened the other day and I texted Bri and she was very helpful.

34:Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured. I have no idea, I’ve never broken pulled strained twisted fractures or anything i have no life

I still haven’t done any of that stuff to my body. I also have burn scars but I did not feel those when it was happening. I would just say i guess my wisdom teeth coming in because I did not get them removed. I have 3 out lol.

35:Talk about things you wish you could stop doing. Pushing potential love interests away

I have had some ‘love interests’ since this post, but it’s been about a year now since and I kind of push away the opportunity of getting close to someone. I also need to stop being a bitch sometimes.

36:Talk about your guilty pleasures. eating

I would say idk eating was a stupid answer.

37:Talk about someone you thought you were in love with. never

I was in love and i didn’t ‘think’ I was in love. I don’t know what you mean by talk about them, they were my partner but we broke up hehe.

38:Talk about songs that remind you of certain people. Fireflies by Owl City reminds me of my 7th grade crush Fancy by Iggy Azalea reminds me of my two friends Michelle and Alisa idk anything else

um Idk. i rly cant think 39:Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier. I wish I would have known that

That it’s okay to tell people you’re struggling lol . That is okay to fail sometimes (school). 40:Talk about the end of something in your life. everything is just about to start

When I ended how to get away with murder I wish I never did I love that show with all my heart.

#personal

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westernchords · 3 years

Text

2020: a replay & reflection

so... here we are at the near end of a very long, unsettling & strange year. and at this particular moment in time, spotify has released its 2020 wrapped feature, an annual highlight for gay people everywhere (self VERY included). since the world is very large & this is a personal blog with a limited scope, i'll talk about what i know best: the view from my corner of the musical world.

i only had two songs in common with any previous year -- i wish i missed my ex by mahalia & sugar by brockhampton (... i know, the heartache is loud already,)

4 unique rain asmr audios made it into my top 15 (they help me sleep lolol)

show tunes was my #4 most listened to genre and yet not a single one made it into my top 100. (i'm pretty sure it was all of my late night waitress sing alongs)

i discovered 1,012 new artists and 162 new genres

all very fun and interesting things! however, in looking at this year, there are two things to discuss that are most important: the amount of time i spent listening to music (111,989 minutes) and my top song, fake mona lisa. let's discuss both.

on time: in short, music means a lot to me. in long, i mean that music has been central to my life for as long as i can remember. i think of my church choir and my mother singing eartha kitt and corrine bailey rae in the kitchen, my father's surprise talents at piano when he would play in chapel, and how i like to make up little ditties to sing for my dog or while i cook or to solely entertain myself. if one was to take a look at my journals, each entry is annotated with the song i was listening to or suited my mood at the time i was writing. at any moment, i am capable of revisiting the emotional landscape of old memories all set to the very soundtrack that holds that particular past closest.

i still remember plucking violin strings at 5, how i used to stack music books so i could sit up straight on my piano bench because i was too short at 7, picking up woodwinds in highschool and letting my best friend act as conductor, and now, singing endlessly- day in and day out, because it makes me feel like i am traveling home. i think of creole folk songs that connect me to my family, my diaspora. i remember the favorite songs and artists of people i don't know anymore, but still. it stays with me. my friend cj says i have a great emotional sensitivity to music, but more so, music simply connects to every cornerstone of who i am. the creation of it, the listening, the love of it. the constancy.

music is integral to my daily routine and life. since i was 13, maybe younger, i have always believed that the first song i hear in a day sets the tone so i always try to play something i love and makes me feel joyful to start off on the right foot. i will do this my entire life. every day is permeated by sound and the data shows it. 111,989 minutes is almost 3 months straight. this doesn't even count soundcloud listens or youtube tracks or music i play on my own. this felt fitting. music, this year in particular, has been a salve to both new and old hurt. and maybe i am picking at my scabs, but 2020 has amplified so much anger and shame and fear and despite that, there is so much joy in art. music is a balm for the world, it is poetry in its own right.

on fake mona lisa: so .. i am kind of obsessed with this song. fifteen hours worth of listening, i text my friends i'll join the video call soon - i just need one more replay, i got high and played this song while lying in the middle of a meadow and experienced more emotions than i had had in a very long time, my friends lovingly tease me about it so it's sort of like a character trait now, kind of obsessed. my turning to this song was the sort of romance that i didn't anticipate, but fell very hard into and, if you know me, you know that's my favorite kind. let's get into why: when dedicated side b came out, i was heartbroken. there's really no other way to put it. i was alone, back in my childhood bedroom, and harboring a reopened wound from past relationships that maybe had never closed in the first place. i was in this strange, melancholic knee-deep-in-emotions place & if you're an avid CRJ fan, you recognize that's a place she knows and sings about well.

as a song, fake mona lisa tends to be one of carly's more lyrically opaque tracks. which is fine, i'm a storyteller at heart, i'll craft my own narrative. (and honestly, there wasn't much legwork here.) without doing a full blown analysis, here are pieces that i find important to note about the song lyrically and resonate most with me -- big or small.

(transcription at bottom)

what i'm basically saying is that this song is about risk and young love and sex. its about secrets, cheap thrills, fast & easy desires, and the fantastical euphoria of a dead-end-but-still-fun “we're young so what's the matter,“ relationship. (very reminiscent of LA hallucinations, imo) and to me, someone who has been in and out of this same subset of emotional affairs, fake mona lisa stuck with me. vegas is a city of high risk, high reward- where else to chase that superficial, unattainable someone? more so, the song gives you the understanding that the relationship doesn't last, but that was not what carly ever truly wanted out of it. fake mona lisa is, at its core, about over indulgence in pleasure as a stand in for actual love + commitment, something i am oft to do myself & only did more of after dedicated side b dropped. i latched onto the slow and simmering exposition into glittery pre-chorus, starlit imagery, shiny-faraway vocals, and frankly, there was no competition for my song of the year. the song is a dream. i love it and i know what that says about me, but i stand by it.

dedicated side b, especially fake mona lisa, carried me through the healing process of heartbreaks that crystallized into many other things- indulgence, desire, risk, short lived romances, secrets, joy, kisses i should've kept to myself, spontaneous dance breaks, tears, etc., it is an album about love, recovery, and returning to the self. fake mona lisa is just my favorite stop on a long train ride to an okay-ness with aspects of romance (both with the self and others) that i am still figuring out the messy, rose-tinted, contours of.

and sonically? i just adore the key of d minor.

as a last touch point, fake mona lisa was only the tip of the iceberg of songs i obsessed over about not-exactly-ideal romances. again and again and again, heartbreak anthems appeared in my top 100, a deviation from my typical warmth towards romantic sentiments that appeared in past years. instead, there is a sense of love-at-a-distance, a painting yourself as the object of desire, a severed attachment, a not wanting to commit at all (see let's be friends, heartbeat, want you in my room, all by crj ... all appearing on the list.) however, much of what appeared celebrated love and having tremendous, special, struck by cupid, feelings. it's all there. what i'm saying is that carly rae jepsen writes music for lovestruck people- both lucky and not so much, hopeless or hopeful -- you name it. she writes about how you can fall in love with almost anyone, soundtracks for the highs of the first throes of intimacy, the first (and last) kiss, the shared moments between two people when they are each other's whole world, and the palpable distance of heartache, separation, and the landscape between.

she writes as though she is both eros and psyche, armed with arrows of cascading melodies, tipped with a salve for suppressing+healing+amplifying heartbreak, and lyrics so intimate and dreamy, you really can't help but believe in love with the way she speaks of it. love is a venture from shame, a fantasy that is more real than anything else, tender and kind, pleasurable, and escapable into. the world is better in it, the world is better because of it. in carly rae jepsen's discography, love is the defining pillar of experience. a northern star and guiding principle. it is the only thing, no matter what form. & frankly? i cant help but agree.

as a final note, in hanif wills-abdurraqib's emotion review for MTV, carly rae jepsen's public displays of affection, he says this:

thats all for now. bye 2020.

- august

///

transcription of my notes:

verse 1:

city/star light imagery

i am known for wearing a star stamp on my cheek

infatuation & attraction

paints a photo of a starlet and her lover, a fair weather affair

pre-chorus:

always waiting fro a chance the object of desire

a high from love, addictive pleasures

chorus:

sex & art & risk taking (art synonymous with beauty. + seduction)

she knows she cant handle this in a real way, but wants it

desire vs/& (in conjunction with) pain

verse 2:

an idealistic worldview, hoping for the best, always somewhere else not present.

dreamy lyrics + dreamy state of mind, cloudy even.

specifically the words fake mona lisa:

contrast, beautiful yet fully acknowledged to be unreal/superficial

a stand in for “real art“ aka “real love“

#crj #mine

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heartjwi · 5 years

Text

city of angels ☞ lee jeno

GENRE | angst

DISCLAIMER | i’m supposed to be studying but fuck that ig + insp. by la la lost you by niki!!

SUMMARY | jeno finds an old letter under his refrigerator after doing some cleaning around his apartment and finds himself reminiscing the past and wishing he could go back to the city he once lived in, and to you.

A/N | i cant contain myself i’m sorry bois + posted this on hyucafe by accident,, ok clown

you and jeno had a healthy relationship from the very beginning needless to say. especially with the never ending support from your friends and family around the two of you. you and jeno barely fought in your 4 year old relationship, only arguing about where to go or where to eat, just the typical couple arguments.

that was, before you and jeno parted ways to go to college.

you stayed near your old town while jeno chose a college that was 12 hours away from you. the first time you heard about it, you didn’t talk to jeno for days. yes, you were proud of him for aiming high but just the thought of not seeing each other physically made your heart ache.

“why won’t you talk to me” jeno whines, plopping down next to you, who was busy reading a candy magazine. you rolled your eyes and flipped the page. jeno puffs and scoots closer to you. “is it because of the college thing?” he says slowly wrapping his arms around you. you closed the magazine shut and stared at him, “did you really have to choose somewhere far away from me?” you pouted. “and she talks!” jeno exclaims, hugging you close to him. “i mean, you’ll always have me right? no matter the distance” jeno kisses the side of your head.

and boy, were you wrong.

the day when jeno was finally moving to new york, you helped his family set his things in his dad’s car. you and jeno stayed behind his room for one last time in a few months. “so this is it huh” you look up at him. he avoids your eyes and bites his lip. “hmm” he hums. “are you gonna miss me?” you pout, staring at his eyes. he nods, squeezing your sides. “we’re gonna facetime everyday okay?” you held out your pinky to which he links his pinky with yours. a tradition you two had.

his dad honks indicating it was time to go. you see jeno hold back his tears but the moment you hug him for the very last time, a tear fell from his eye. “shit jen, you’re making me cry too” you sniffled, unable to hide your tears as well. jeno lets out a teary laugh, “here” he removes his favorite hoodie and puts it on you. you stared at him in shock, “babe this is your favorite” you remove the hoodie off of you. “keep it” he kisses your hand.

you two walk downstairs hand in hand, ready to send jeno off to college. you stopped in front of the passenger seat when jeno turns to you. “you know i’ll always find my way back here, back home to you” he hugs you as you feel his tears soak his hoodie that you had on. you couldn’t contain the tears any longer and hugged him back tighter. “i’ll wait jeno, i’ll wait for you” you sobbed to his chest. he finally pulls away and cups your cheek for one last time before kissing you on the lips. “i’ll miss you” he whispers on your lips before getting in the passenger seat.

and that was the last time you ever got to see jeno.

the first few weeks without jeno by your side was tough on your part. this was a whole new routine for the both of you. slowly adjusting to the fact he wasn’t by your side in somewhere that’s awfully familiar with the two of you.

on jeno’s part, he was enjoying the feeling of being alone for once in his life. the feeling where there’s no one to hinder him from doing everything he wishes to do. one of the reasons he chose this specific college in new york is that he could get away from you. a bit of a dick move but he had to do something.

in his first few weeks in new york, he already made a name for himself in his new school. a fuckton of new faces he got to meet in a span of a week. he could get used to this.

“please pick up” you repeat, biting your nails as you waited for jeno to answer his phone. “hello?” jeno groggily answers his phone. you went quiet on the other line, not used to this. “y/n?” the way he said your name felt new to you again, almost like you two never met. “hi” you whisper. you hear him chuckle at the other end. “hello to you to my love” he muses.

and you two spent the night just talking to each other just catching up after a while, not knowing that would be one of the last times you two got to act like a couple.

the next few months, you finally adjusted to your new school environment and made new friends along the way. slowly distracting yourself away from jeno. jeno on the other hand, got into some frat parties thanks to his roommates and peers who taught him how to party. not once have you crossed his mind since he moved here.

it didn’t take long for you to long for his touch or voice even. you texted him multiple times to answer your calls or even facetimes but nothing. he ghosted you for the next 2 weeks. you cried your heart out to your best friend about your new situation. your friends told you just dump and move on but you can’t. the town you two used to live in is filled with memories with jeno.

jeno finally had a wake up call the day after you blocked his number. he stared at the unanswered texts he had in his phone and it was all from you. he scrambled to get you to talk to him again, but knowing you, you would be wrapped around his finger again.

it didn’t take a while for jeno to pull the ghosting agenda again. you were starting to get sick of it. you started doing the same thing to him. not leaving a single message to him at all.

it was hurting you at first but slowly and surely, you were getting the hang of it with the help of your closest friends who made efforts to let you have fun and not think of a douchebag boyfriend.

and people began to notice the once introverted y/n turned into a more extroverted version of yourself who subconsciously puts a smile on everyone’s faces.

jeno found himself staring at his phone all day, waiting for a single message from you but nothing— not even a single one. he was starting to feel worried and anxious if anything happened to you but once he opened the instagram app it was a whole new story.

you just posted a new photo in your instagram in a while, and it was a photo of you in a dress after clubbing with your friends last night. it made jeno quite mad that you didn’t tell him about your whereabouts. he immediately called your number and waited for you to answer.

“hello?” you answer, not bothering to check the caller ID. “you got some explaining to do” was the first thing you hear from the other line. you checked the ID and it was jeno. “what are you talking about?” you tell him, not caring about a single thing that was about to happen. “how come you didn’t tell me that you went clubbing last night?!” he starts his sermon. you rolled your eyes and picked on your nails. ‘now he starts to care’ you thought to yourself. “you didn’t even text me for days! i was worried about you!” he rambles on, making you angry.

“so now it’s a problem that i don’t text you” you cut him off, catching him off guard. “huh?” he furrows his eyebrows. “cut this shit jeno, you’re mad that i’m finally doing what you’ve been doing to me” you felt tears prick your eyes. jeno stayed silent on the other line, realizing his mistake. “i’m tired” you start, wiping your tears. jeno felt his heart drop to his stomach, knowing where this was headed. “no-” “i’m so fucking tired waiting for you” you open up to him, full on crying at this moment. “you’re not the jeno i used to know” you whispered on the phone.

jeno stands up quickly, almost losing his balance. “no! y/n please-” he gets cut off yet again, “i think we should just break up” you choked out. jeno felt as if time has stopped all together and everything went silent. “i’m sorry” you whisper before hanging up.

and that was the last time you two heard about each other

its been a couple months after the break up and you were slowly moving on from jeno, after coming to a closure with yourself that you two won’t just work out. he’s not the jeno you once knew from your small hometown. he was a new different jeno in an unfamiliar city.

you went back home for a bit to just clean up any memory you had with jeno in your house and gave it back to his parents next door. they were sorry that their son had to be a dickhead. you just brushed it off and promised you would get lunch with them time to time. they did root for the two of you in the past.

jeno however, was slowly but surely becoming a mess months after the big break up. you only love something when it’s gone. the ‘friends’ he had won’t even check up on him. he was regretting why he hung out with them. now he was just cleaning his apartment, just to ease his mind.

he was sweeping his kitchen floor when he stumbled upon an old letter you sent to him the first week he moved in.

“to my bubby,

hi! i miss you already :-( and i know i’m just being dramatic since it has been only a week but i can’t help it you know? anyway so, how’s new york doing hmm? have you been to broadway? you promised me you’d take me one day hehehe…”

during the first week without jeno, you thought it would be a good idea to send him a letter and you even planned you’d do it monthly if he loved it. you never heard that he got the letter so that was the first and last letter he would ever get from you.

“the jetlag and timezones must be tough eh? but it’s okay, it means nothing when we mean everything to each other right? i even wasted some perfume just so i could spray it to this letter and the envelop so you would remember to miss me and it would ease the pain somehow”

jeno had tears in his eyes at this point, knowing the one who meant everything to him is no longer in his arms.

“if i’m being honest, i’d call you but i know you’ll be busy settling in and i’m trying to let go at the fact i won’t be seeing you in a while :-( i still and will always love you, jenjen! come back to me soon please.

hope new york will hug, take care and hold you the way I do, my love. i miss you so much! see you soon!

with lots and lots of hugs and kisses, y/n”

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mieczyhale · 5 years

Text

because tumblr is the way that it is i have no idea what you have/nt seen?? so i guess here’s just all the recent TUA-related shit ;snklfd @hellomyguru

it sure would be nice of them to notify people about notifications wouldn’t it??

my tags on this post:: #y e s #okay like i love the lil klaus they gave us #for sure#but klaus has curls?? and bby didnt really?? and like it makes sense bc considering reginald's.. everything.. he would have done whatever he#could to tame them / keep them under control yknow?? he doesnt like different and he doesnt like things that arent prim and proper#which is what he'd consider curls to NOT be#esp. with how wild those curls woulda been like#and i mean i know adult klaus's hair was more mess & not really curly but towards the end of the season you could def see his hair rebelling#so #anyway #here's wonderwall

my tags on this post:: #klaus and dave#even if you play it with dave being 30 too instead of 40 this is still fucking funny#i can imagine this interaction perfectly and it kills me sfhkdjccj

a post on my change in how i tag my original TUA posts

a question you asked that i answered

a post on klaus, reginald, and medicine

a shitpost about dave

my reply to a reply on my broken jaw post

my reply to your reply on my broken jaw post

my tags on this post:: #does klaus know what he threw out tho?? like he barely glanced at the stuff he pulled out of the box before throwing it away#he clearly thought that whatever it was wasnt important - i mean he also wouldnt have cared bc gotta get them drugs baby but still#and at what point would he have told five that he threw out some of their dads shit?? like.. at which interaction would that have made sense#the dumpster?? not really. five immediately declares he doesn't care what klaus is doing and then klaus is distracted by the opportunity to#get some money in an easier way than normal and then he bit into a dumpster bagel and five was leaving. he left.#OH and now that im thinking more about it - klaus refers to the stuff from the box as 'priceless crap' / 'priceless shit' so there's a#chance he A. really didnt pay attention to what he was throwing away - which makes sense considering his desperation#or B. he forgot. drugs arent known for being great for your memory and then a lot of shit went down really fast so..#the lab?? also wouldnt have made sense for a few reasons but mostly bc at no point did they talk about anything other than fake eyes and#relationships. during the family meeting that five appears in the middle of?? maybe. but five had a very narrow focus and the others#talked a lot and over each other and the whole time klaus is off to the side sick - very clearly having a hard time focusing and staying#upright and again - a lot has fucking happened - so there's no way he would've even considered the papers from 10 months ago as being#relevant. IF he remembered them at all.#oh and then he didnt even really acknowledge the apocalypse thing until episode 6 and he spent all of episode 4 being tortured#and he came back and spent episode 5 just trying to adjust to being back - having just lost dave and left a warzone - and he just.. has his#grief to deal with so nothing else is even on his radar#what im saying is#there's a lot going on and there never would've been a time to bring it up even if he did know/remember what he threw away#in my big dumb pan opinion#i know this post isnt that serious but i read it and had to word vomit#anyway #sgkskccj #carry on y'all

my tags on this post:: #oh shit fuck!!! this!!!!!! im always here for emotions and powers being tied - ESPECIALLY when people dont know it#including the person who has the powers like... everyone being oblivious fucks#which is kind of why i agree with and support klaus's powers being tied to his emotions. 1. people just out here being completely oblivious#and ignorant towards klaus and everything related to him and 2. klaus being just as oblivious like.. between over half a lifetime of#substance abuse and addiction?? that happened in the first place bc klaus was terrified of and hated his powers?? there is so much that he#can do. i personally believe he's incredibly powerful and the longer he stays sober the more everybody is gonna see that#and none of them will expect it. tbh also?? i firmly believe - despite his alien status and knowing things - that not even reginald#had any fucking idea. bc i mean he clearly had no real idea of how klaus's powers worked. his training decisions proved that. his#experiments proved that. is there anything in canon to support any of this hc - you ask - why yes. yes there is. in my opinion of course. i#know not everyone sees things the same way. but 1. klaus returning from vietnam. he beat up the suitcase p well but while it sparks?thats it#and throwing it isnt - on its own - going to make it explode. thats just not believable. its a time traveling briefcase. that shits STURDY#and if im remembering right - it didnt explode right away. it didnt happen until klaus screamed and i dont think thats a coincidence#he does have telekinesis after all. and 2. making ben corporeal in the last episode. that did not seem like a conscious decision. he ran#into that room. got shot sat. ducked. and then suddenly he has glowing hands and bentacles was seen by all. it all happened in a matter of#seconds and it would've freaked anyone out but with his powers klaus wanted ben there - he wanted ben to help - even if he didnt know it#himself. in one second he had elevated emotions - elevated anxiety and possibly fear and he wanted to do something just.. ANYTHING. he#wanted to not die and he wanted his siblings to not die and he wanted to help but he alone couldnt and ben is his closest#brother - sorry not sorry - and then also sorry not sorry but ptsd?? from vietnam and guns?? yeah. so everything just.. fell together and#it triggered his powers. and i can see that happening a lot. he's having a hard day and he can see dave and talk to him but he#cant be held by him and it just makes everything worse and suddenly dave is THERE there and klaus doesnt know how he did it but w.e#he's just so happy he did. and he accidentally conjures patch while he and diego are talking about her and diego thinks klaus did it on#purpose. to hurt him? idk. but he's pissed and klaus is just confused - not really registering the heartache he had been feeling for diego#when she suddenly appeared. im leaving this with 2 examples only bc imma run outta tags otherwise fkdmdnd BUT give me klaus levitating for#the first time when he's sitting cross legged on the floor of the living room or standing idk but he's content and sleepy ans suddenly#there's confused voices and shouting and he opens his eyes to find he's in the same position but now he's five feet off the ground and#WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK yknow?? oooh and more on his telekinesis?? unintentionally launching shit at people when he gets pissed. luther takes a#little gardening shovl to the face. the others keep treating him like shit - like he hasnt changed - and he snaps during a meeting and a#vase JUST misses somebody's head or smth?? it would be great. and dont even get me started on the Not Fucking Dying aspect bc thats a whole#other rodeo. but even that.. i think its emotionally tied and how long he stays dead depends on how he felt when he died. he can control it#from the other side yknow?? anyway i def need to do an actual post on this i think later bc im outta tags lmao

#maison speaks #hellomyguru

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bkanvas-fairy · 5 years

Note

Could you tell us a little about your characters?

Y E S !

but due to me having at least over a thousand characters I’ll just give a quick summary of the 25 I manage to dig up over 3 sketchbooks.

Y’all can pick and choose which of them interest yall or who you wanna hear more about!

Also because I’m extra, I made sketch icons for the 25 characters, info under the cut

I’ll talk a bit more about my actual Original Characters first, starting with

Aiko! Otherwise known as Echo

- A marked individual in a steampunk world that gets mixed with magic, because I like both of those things

- Echo runs an underground lab that does helps the underground world with replacing body parts, illegal surgeries etc etc

- Even though she marked, which puts a bounty on her head already, she is well respected by the community for not cheating for your money, stealing your cash, or shanking/killing you mid-surgery

- however, Echo does long for adventure and sometimes do get bored in the lab

oh yeah,, Echo like stealing eyeballs, so if you’re low on cash and wouldn’t mind losing an eye, you know who to call!!

Bonus:

Here’s Echo’s boring, undeveloped sidekick!! I don’t like her and I don’t know how to make her better. Yes, she doesn’t have a name.

here’s my god playboy that left “heaven” due to having an early mid-life crisis, I call him God boi cause;

- He goes by many names!

tbh, he’s probably the closest character I have to being genderfluid/-neutral? I’m not sure,,

- The god has many powers, from lightning to shapeshifting

- The shapeshifting part allows him to change every part of himself, allowing him to change depending on his situation.

- God boyo, or originally Aristide, is obsessed with the idea of perfection. A god should be perfect, if a god is out of line, he is no god.

- Same goes for him, which means whenever something is wrong with him, it affects him, extremely

However, leaving the land of gods to live among humans aren’t all perks

- Aris isn’t immune to diseases or injuries. In fact, he actually fell down and died on impact when he came to earth, being reborn into another child immediately.

- He doesn’t gain his memories back automatically tho!! He has to have a major shock to the brain in order for him to remember his previous lives

- Sometimes the shock isn’t enough either, when you have a thousand over lives, you won’t remember every single one of them. So forgotten lovers coming back to haunt because your brain hates you? That’s everyday for him!

i just,, i like playing with the concepts of god,,

Up next we got Ayeka Himura! A japanese student going to a neighborhood, but still a pretty good, school living close to poverty due to her father’s constant spending habits and obsession with art supplies. With the household lacking a mother due to wacky shenanigans, Ayeka takes care of her two younger siblings and the house, all while maintaining a very well-paid job and slowly loosing interest in actually studying for a good, honest job.

also she likes birds!!

Yes her design is heavily “based” off Toga but I love her current design too much to change it, h e l p

So like,, I suck at chinese and I made ocs that exclusively spoke in chinese to help with that but I’m still stuck at 40~marks

I forgot his scar but remembered his earring i hate myself

my og chinese kiddo! he was was first to come and I love his design ever since

he radiates fuck you energy except the girl below. He’s neighbors with her and they acknowledge each other existence ever since. he has a dumb cliche crush on her and is a bit protective of her because nothing says having issues than latching onto someone that makes you happy

Only this girl got named!! even tho she was the second character.

Li Shen, yes she doesnt have a surname, is apparently main ho now, according to my old oc chart of my “main” ocs

She’s the group’s resident sweetheart and really does not want you to do stupid shit, stop doing stupid shit. She tutors my son up there ^^ even though he’s actually smart and just refuses to do his work properly. But she still deeply cares for him.

As well as the girl below shdifhd

the last girl of the ching chong trio and the reason I had to switch up my son’s design is this girly over here! Her design was too business-y and formal so I enrolled all of them into college. A rich girl who doesn’t know how to deal with her g a y thoughts. Tried sending Li Shen some flowers once. She didn’t realize attaching her name would be a good idea and son got a good laugh.

i like paranormal stuff so they apparently look into that shit in their spare time. They’re all actually really fun characters to do prompts with I swear!! send some in and I’ll write them

I had a previous concept for son and Li Shen before last girl came and if yall want me to talk about it,,, i found my sketchbook with the old ideas,,

NEXT UP IS MY OLD GIRL ELORA!!

Elora herself used to be a fan character but I pulled her out and wow\

cant fucking believe she used to be straight for Vylad

shes the outgoing, fun adventure type! bit of mommy issues here and there tho,, I don’t want to say too much since I have an entire for her +

her now upgraded bro, Vincent

i really like the name vincent,,

also now he has mommy issues

Ead, the knight who used to have armor

I hate drawing armor

he also have issues

AND IRIS MY SWEET GIRL IM SO SORRY

she doesnt have that much issues tho

basically I made elora and her bro have mommy issues, I’m sorry in advance if that spoils anything

I, sometimes, post about these 4 over on @eloradiesismydocsname and its a gay ol’ time

not that gay tho because uhh,, medieval times,, but I need prompts for a modern au of them and I am happy to talk about their personalities and even go semi in-depth for any of them!!

here we have ghoster.png,, which is her file name cause I didn’t name her,,

A horror enthusiast + film student that goes to a supposedly haunted shack to film her upcoming project with the boys. wacky shenanigans occur and the boys left leaving ghoster here to starve and eventually fall to her death. But because it’s my oc i get to bring her back from the dead, now hungry as ever and will fucking eat you, its not a kink thing, shes just that hungry and angry

tax fraud.png

a robo girl that i created during social studies cause they were talking about taxes and i just went, “what if,, a robo runs on taxes,,, and like,, she haunts you down for not paying your taxes,,” thus she was born! I don’t know what to name her but she is set in the future so-

Time to go future-apocalypse style because I love that setting too and was upset that I didn’t have any ocs in that style. So I created Alex A. ! A cybrog filled with memories of the previous generations as a sad attempt to preserve human life.

He’s accompanied by his sister/cousin idr i didn’t draw an icon for her, didnt like her design. they go on a hunt for food and to return with nothing. She gets to meet this other dude who has a plant arm im pretty sure i based him off someone’s elses oc but i cant remember. The 3 are forgotten. Kinda want to bring them back tho.

Neon! A character set in the future utopia of lazy people, where gamers rise up. its the best I can describe her story without getting too deep. She the new hacker on the block, joining the underground gang of elite hackers. She’s another one of those wacky characters that just has fun. I mean, when you know your way around codes and the world you live in is full of it, would you not take advantage of that?

as for fan characters,, uhh,, i have em

STARTING WITH MY WIFE!

Alexzandra Zara oh my god i forgot to draw her necklace and shirt

anyways,, Alexzandra is one of the more older ocs I have that didnt get a big revamp. Only an au I develop to the point I forgot the actual shows and the original cast are a little different from the source haha what? She’s the emotionally unstable german war veteran, yes the wife thing isn’t mutual, and haha shes only 27~. I cling onto her so much?? She’s hits a lot of “edgy” points but I still love her cause idk,, the story I made for her is something I hold dear cause Alexzandra was one of my first ACTUALLY DEVELOPED CHARACTER. Is it wrong to say I hold her really close to my heart? Is that weird? probably a little cringy sorry haha. I probably project a little into her which might have strengthened my love for her ack. Her story delves more into the depression very unstable needs to talk to someone side and i get scared talking about my wife’s story online so uhh, idk ask me specific questions about her, I’ll be more inclined to talk.

Dr Watts! The spoiled ass dick that stole dst Wilson’s house and yes this is a dst oc, yes im slightly sorry.

He’s just fun?? almost ran a blog with him and a friend’s oc. He’s your typical uptight old science gramps that took advantage of the fact that no one knows his real name that he calls himself a doc. He’s not. I put everything about him up to a 9-10? He’s one of those wacky characters and I love him for it! His story is really wonky tho so might need help solidifying that part

and from the angry old man to my sweet man that will adopt you even if you’re noisy or call him ginger. Pilot here is a TF2 OC I made to interact with other tf2 OCs cause some of them are fun and i wanna join in :((

He’s the Canadian stereotype, and yes, he adopted scout, that was one of my character notes.

Like the actual cast of tf2, there’s barely any real story to him. I only gave him a vague I don’t know my past but hey, i fly really really well. He participated in war unlike certain men but he’s still really nice and will only kill you if you hurt his family. Which he doesn’t know so he just considers the cast his family. He keeps mentioning a wife though, pretty sure he doesn’t have one but you do what makes you happy son.

Ai! an oc I HEAVILY revamped oh my god i hate her old vers. So if yall remember my random shouting of missing my og son, Aru. Here’s his bff. cause he barely has any actual friends that give a shit. And I just cant have that. but here’s your yandere revamped into a last minute addition. I actually feel like I did Ai a lot of justice. I don’t want to delve too deep cause I will start making charts. I’ll do that in a separate post if yall are keen

Isamu Aena! a mp100 oc I made by accident cause idk,, I was thinking about lolita fashion and all of a sudden, the actual oc I was going to make turned into a mob psycho oc. She’s one of my few ocs where her sexuality matters (she’s gay yeah) cause it plays a role in her storyline. She went from being “manipulated”/used to Mob’s wingwomen. She spots out things that can help him in the romantic department cause she’s into romance. A student of the school Mob infiltrated and a fantastic tailor, not to mention a pretty decent pyschic. wait where do models get their lolita stuff from,,

im gonna ignore that and move onto Lillian Yi! Who, i swear i did not meant for it, is very close to lloyd. I mean,, none of the ninjas were with him after s3, who you think he’d meet. Lillian is a survivor from the Great Devourour and yes I’m still pissed LEGO stole my backstory for Lillian to use for Harumi. FUCK YOU LEGO, i still love both of em tho,, The event did leave a big scar and it made Lillian job jumping for a bit, ending at Chen’s Noodles in S6~, where ya know,, stuff got better. She was a medalist for gymnastics and continue the activity, even after her parents’ death, to please others. She was already lost at the time so staying in the sport would help, right? Needless to say, after being rejected at a cop academy for youths, or something similar, she gave up for a while but got back into the idea of saving people by using her skills she already had. It helped with the weight and feelings and meeting the green ninja was a very big bonus. Also Lloyd dubbed her the “mysterious stranger” when she refused to speak in fear of her identity, slight shame, and maybe a bit of being star struck. It helped Lloyd too in a sense where he had something to distract him from Zane’s passing.

Their relationship was eventually formed, strong and almost unbreakable, except for harumi but uhh thats a different story. Throughout the seasons, they stayed close and lloyd was always comforted by Lillian went times get ruff.

Also Lillian is my most light-hearted characters and I think that says a lot

Then there’s Nite “I don’t want to be your dad”. A character that is supposed to be in the ninjago world but barely interacts with the main story and only stays in his self contained plot. He was supposed to get a bf but uhhh idk. He’s the master of shifting and streams that online, taking out small crimes, and is actually really shy and doesn’t like interacting with people.

also haha fortnite

Nora Akino, the sin of despair! its an ad thing, I think. She speaks only in a foreign language that only Odin understands and is either big gay for Ava or Maggi, she can’t pick. And yes she did drink the vial, when TITAN attacks your planet and you accidentally die, how else can you meet your family again? also my grandpa walked in and said she looks like royalty. cool-

she wouldn’t leave my hand for like,, 3 days or something

Petri, a fellow troublemaker at camp campbell’s music camp. She managed to pick the camp because apparently a parent who doesn’t acknowledge your hard work don’t read the fine print! Please let David adopt her,,

LASTLY! Yukimaru Atsuko, hero name; Gummie. She goes by Yuki and is a big dick. She’s a studious student but gets more thrills on the actual battlefield. Living with her uptight grandma and her big bottom energy bro, she has the dom energy thing going. and apparently folks on G+, or the people who comment about her, thinks she’s really pretty, which was oddly a thing back before UA. She’s the dick you can like, not like Bakugou but she will definitely want to fight Bakugou.

A gum-related quirk is not full of perks when its only your hands. I’d dive more into her like her insecurities and stuff but I’ve been here for probably 3hrs. Sorry anon.

Also I’m so sorry to anyone who reads this all the way through.

#not an ask #bkanvas' ocs #ocs

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komowah-blog · 5 years

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Your Night | Borusara Fic~

heyyy~ havent done a night’s out in a while. here ya go. pls follow me and like, and asks are open. this will be focused on sarada, next prolly somethin. this may be a short chapt. due to i cant describe sarada’s night that much, because itll be lead. so don’t get mad @ me >_< will update when part 4 comes out~ n btw this will have the most borusara i believe?

This is part III of the Nights Out series.

Click here for parts I, II, IIII.

Genre: Fluff

Rating: T+

Word count: 1,583

Character count: 8,869

I don’t have beta-reads, so please don’t get surprised if I make any mistakes. I only don’t use grammar at all on my notes. ^^

She collapsed. Boruto catches her in his arms, although in an awkward and embarrassing situation... he’d fall for her any day, but she’d catch him too. (Totally not a pun). What happened anyway..? Did she reveal her true self?... Boruto sighed and laid her on the bed. He put his finger on his lips, recalling the kiss she stole from him. He exhaled, and closed his eyes, but later opened them. He took his jacket, and slipped his shoes on.

“Sorry, Sarada, for not having permission but..”

He tilted him closer, pouting his lips together, and kissed Sarada’s forehead.He got the chills, and dusted his shoulders. He opened his window, and climbed up. He closed it from outside, smiling. He disappeared in an instant.

A few minutes later, Sarada woke up. She didn’t feel hazy, like last time. She noticed she was in a dirty, sluggish, pigsty room. She usually keeps her room neat, after all..what can a Hokage be without being clean? Boruto’s room had 2 or 3 jackets on the floor. With some burger wrappers, and cups.. She finally realized it was the blonde’s room. She got up in an instant from disgust.

She tried looking for her glasses. She hit the jackpot, and grabbed them. She put on her vision enhancers in a slow manner. It takes some time to get used to them, y’know?

She slips on her shoes, and inspecting the room to see what ever happened for her to end up here... She sees his chair in an usual spot, with some aggression marks.

“Huh?” She leans in closer to see what happened, furrowing her eyebrows. She pushes her glasses upwards, but the Uchiha just shrugs it off. She tries to hear if anyone is home, but she didn’t hear anything. After all, the only other exit was the window. A future Hokage would never dare! Therefore, she went to open the door, and making her way downstairs.

Tap.

Sarada usually never heard this type of silence in a while. Either Mitsuki or Boruto would say something to disrupt environments like this. But...Sarada actually took a liking to this. She would fond for moments like this. Even in missions, it would make her focus more. Besides the fact, she reached the exit and opened it. The bright sun would reflect it’s light to her face, although she prefers it to be dark, it wasn’t the end of the world... She closed the door behind her, and took steps to the Uzumaki gate. Opening it in a silent manner, she managed to get through it.

The Uzumaki residence really doesn’t have tight security, not even a lock, despite one of the household members being Hokage, talk about safety. Oh well, I’ll do the same when I’m Hokage then!~ She walked out and went to explore who she can find. No one really trains on free weekends... She really didn’t have anything going on..

Someone tapped her shoulder, and when Sarada went to turn around... She saw a tan-skin color with golden eyes, and orange hair.

“I’m sorry, Sarada for what I did.. Please forgive me and everyone! I promise I won’t try to do that to you again..!” the girl was on her knees, and having her hands clasped together.

“What?” Sarada looked confused. “Who are you?” Sarada was embarrased to ask, and pushed her glasses up. Pretending that she’s fine.

“Eh?! What do you mean ‘who are you?’ It’s me, Sarada! Who else?” The girl stopped kneeling to Sarada, and stood up. Dusting her self, blowing on some sand that got to her shoulders, weirdly.

“Uh...” Sarada tried to look at her to see if she remembers a jitter about her. Her eyes kept on following this random girl, and everywhere. Her pink colorful attire, or her puffy spikes of her long golden hair.

“Sarada? Are you okay?”

All that poor Uchiha wanted her to say ‘its me’ with her saying her name in it, so she can act like she knows her.

“I’m sorry.. I don’t know what you’re talking about..”

“You really don’t know, huh?” The girl’s face shaped into a sad one. Her heart was broken by the fact her closest friend forgot who she was. Sarada nodded no shortly after. “I hope you know my name at least, it’s ChouChou Akimichi..” “O-Okay.” Sarada smiled to her.

“I have an idea though..” ChouChou had a big grin shaped on her smile shortly. She grabbed the Uchiha’s hand. The Akimichi then brought Sarada to the playground.

“A playground?” Sarada furrowed her eyebrows and crossed her arms.

“Just wait. Everyone’s going to be here soon.”

A few 5 minutes later, everyone arrived. “Okay! So, Sarada has lost her memories, and we have to retrieve them.”

“Boruto? Are you with us?” Mitsuki pointed out, and Boruto got closer and closer to Sarada.

“Boruto?” Mitsuki exhaled deeply, and stretched his arm out to grab Boruto and bring him to the group.

“Gah! Mitsuki, why’d you do that for?”

“Just because you want to be friendly with her isn’t a problem, but listen up, she’s our friend, too.” Inojin stated, and Boruto widened his eyes and shaped his face to normal, looking to the corner of his eye.

“He told you.” Shikadai had a big grin on his face, again, putting Boruto in the spotlight.

“Whatever! Just listen.” ChouChou shouted, and everyone later followed her orders.

“Do whatever she calls you and says. It’ll work, trust me!” ChouChou smiled and had some confidence. Everyone nodded, and went in line in front of Sarada.

“Okay your name is..” Sarada questioned, with her hand on her face. “Shikadai..” He was somewhat embarrassed, but he can’t blame her. “Oh! I think..”

“I think you're the dumb one.. With Inojin as your sister!” Sarada was looking up, pushing her glasses up, too.

“Wha-” Shikadai was cut off and Sarada proposed him to act dumb and swing around saying nonsense.

Skip everything, and this is how it ends up so far. ChouChou is the one who works out a lot, and doesn’t eat chips, they’re her least favorite. Inojin was the flower boy who was like a mail-man, but with flowers. Mitsuki was just ChouChou’s boyfriend. Good thing she remembered that one.. Sumire was dressed up as a girl who sells water and Namida an ear, and Wasabi a fish. The last one to be in line, was Boruto Uzumaki.

Boruto Uzumaki..

He was hoping she would remember what happened in his room.. But she didn’t. No matter how much times he hinted at her. He stole a random flower from Inojin, and placed it in his mouth. No one noticed, luckily. He was furrowing his eyebrows at her, and somewhat blushing.

“Meoowww~ I’d be your pet anyday, ‘ttebasa~”

Sarada widened her eyes, blinking twice. She was sheepish, painted pink

“Eh?!”

“Well, go ahead, tell me what am I.” He grabbed the flowers from his mouth and grabbed her hand, placing the flowers with her. How is no one not noticing this?!

“You’re...” Sarada looked down, her eyes being hidden from those blue, ocean eyes.

“My boyfriend!” Until Sarada shouted that out, everyone’s mouths dropped. Shikadai had a mad look on his face, disappointed in Sarada for choosing a clumsy-flirt like him. She looked up at him, throwing herself at him.

“I think I’m going to throw up!” ChouChou said, with all the diet in her stomach rumbling, and after her best friend liking..

THE

CLASS

CLOWN!

She ran into a garbage can, and all you see is green vomit coming out of her. We won’t describe it anymore, for the readers. Mitsuki was smiling and giving a thumbs up to Sarada and Boruto. He ran to ChouChou though. He’d remember this as their second date, thanks to Sarada...

Sarada was hugging and cuddling Boruto and rubbing her face against his chest.

“Uh... Sarada?” Boruto was blushing crazy, you can almost see the veins of him pop up by how flustered he was.

“Yes..”

“Senpai?~” She looked up at him from his chest.

“S-S-S-S-SEnPAi?!!!!” Boruto was about to faint, and everyone around them were just shocked at Sarada. What’s going on?..

ChouChou was puking, still. Shikadai chuckled with Inojin. Sumire and team 15 was shocked, and suprised that Sarada actually found herself a man!

“Kagura would be jealous...” Sumire whispered to team 15.

Boruto stared down at her, not caring about what other people are saying about them. She kept on rubbing her face to his chest, back and fourth. “So warm!~ So cute~...”

“Kyah!!” Boruto was freaking out, crazy. If Nanadaime would find out about this.. he would just give him stuff dolls of Sarada from professionals and ramen tickets for both of them. Boruto took a step back, and causing him to trip, by how tight Sarada was hugging him. He fell on the floor, and Sarada on top of him. Shikadai and Inojin took a photo and went away. Mitsuki, ChouChou and team 15 were there still, though.

“Fufufu~” Mitsuki smiled at them and went away cuddling ChouChou. Team 15 went away with them..

Sarada scooted up to where her face looked at Boruto’s.

“S..S-Sarada... you’re so c-c-c-c-lose...!” His eyes widened, and as she got. She wrapped her finger on his jawline, and kept on following it’s outline.

“I don’t think that’s a problem, if I can stare into your eyes~”

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secretsideofme95 · 5 years

Text

This Is My Story!

So, I’m just going to get all this out, I did something similar on new years, i sat down with someone and just spilled everything. I talked and talked and talked i just told everything, things ive never told anyone. But now i’m gonna get it all out, so here it is. My story.

I have never done anything like this so i am not quite sure how to do this but here we go.

Like many others growing up in primary school and secondary school i was bullied. I grew up with a lisp, i struggled with saying S and any words with it in. I had people older then me making fun of it i even had a teacher trying to convince me it was my fault and i just couldn't speak properly. At first i didn't understand why i was being asked to say words with S in it, but quickly i found out. it ended up making me so self conscious i got shy and quiet and just hid away and kept to myself. This was going on from like year 4 when i was 6/7 (i think i cant remember) Truth is from my childhood i dont remember anything good, i have no memories of anytime playing with friends going out having fun even just playing, only things i remember from my past at this time is just bullying.

In secondary school i remember again getting made fun of for my lisp, but also told i was ugly and that no one would wanna be with me. i had all these people making fun of me, i didn't fit in any of the groups i didn't even want to, i thought all this group stuff was stupid, so even just coz i wasn't part of the popular kids or the cool kids that ment bully me. people found anything to make fun of. i started self harming around 13. In school both primary and secondary i never really had friends so never had any after school activities, never went round someones house, i never went out with friends, i just went home. which i lived in a flat with my mum, a one bedroom flat. The council wouldn't move us despite my age, i had the bedroom my mum had the front room as her room. but ofcorse people still made fun of that coz we couldn't afford a house like they could.

Home, You would think that would be better but not really, i was a only child so i was on my own again, while at home i would do whatever i could to pass the time, i watched allot of movies, this is where i got into games, was a getaway, i could be someone else, i could pretend to be anyone. pretend i wasn't alone. so yes my mum was there, in a sense anyway. she would work all day and had an iron deficiency, so she would work all day, volunteering in a charity shop (another thing people made fun of me for) she would come home and just go to sleep, that was it she would go to work then go to sleep. I learnt to take care of myself, cook for myself. I became independent and i grew up i was basically living on my own at the age of 15.

When i was 18, at college, there was this one particular day, one day that stuck with me, i came back home from college, and there was a padlock on the door and an eviction notice, the council had kicked us out. all i had was the stuff for college that day and that was it. my mum went and stayed with her boyfriend, i had to find somewhere to stay, with no close friends and no other family was harder then you'd think. luckily i found someone who i knew who let me stay a few days, it grew us closer together she ended up becoming one of my best friends, which was good coz i was homeless and for the next 7 months was the hardest time of my life, so many times i wanted to give up and end it, so many times i just couldn't carry on, i had not much of my stuff, i had no privacy, no room for myself, i had to revolve my life around everyone else, whoever’s i was staying at. for 7 months i was at college Monday to Friday all day 9am till 5pm then Tuesday till Sunday from 6pm until 11pm i had work. then then same every day. it was so hard all the stress, having to find somewhere new to stay every few days. worrying about money about college work. about normal work. about what if the day comes i wont be able to find somewhere to stay.

I wish i could say it ends there but it dosnt. since then to this day i have been homeless (well sofa surfing) 3 times. every time getting worse and worse. This really is not helping my mental health at all.

So this is not everything tho, around the time i was 18 i was dating this girl, She was blond, so beautiful, she was such an incredible girl she was perfect and i loved her. after 3 years we broke up, i still loved her, i was 18 i was stupid and acted before i though, we had got into an argument after we had broke up, started on twitter actually. Allot was said between both of us, but she was suffering from bad mental health aswell as i was, i said some nasty stuff we both did, but i tipped her over the edge, shes told me after this happened that it wasn't my fault, she was already at the point i just pushed it that tiny bit over, but she tried to commit suicide like 4 times, everything got too much for her, i didn't know about this, not until i went back to college and i saw her one day, i saw the bandages, i saw the marks, i saw what i had done to her, people have said it wasn't me shes said it wasn't my fault, but i cant help feeling guilty, i cant help thinking what if i hadn't got in that argument what if i reacted differently, it wasn't my fault yet i feel guilty to this day, 6 years later this still lays heavy on my conscience, seeing what it had done too her, i couldn't take it. This is what has made me so bad, what has turned me into this, this is what made me become this.

i have learnt from this, i think before i speak, im terrified of confrontation, im terrified of arguments, i cant walk away i cant leave people when they are upset or angry, even if i get in an argument, i cave in, i give in and i usually give them whatever they want, i dont want this happen again so i do what i have to to stop the argument even if its not what i want, even if it hurts. i cant go through that again, it would kill me and destroy me more then it already has.

This is why i dont think i deserve to be happy, what i did to her, what happened, im getting what i deserve.

Every relationship ive had literally all of them except for this blond (including the ones before her) have all cheated on me, they have all used me, all played me. for one reason or another, i always get hurt. i pour my soul in, i give everything i can put in all effort and do whatever i can for them to make them happy, to give them what they want, and each one just takes me for grated and takes more, and more of me, slowly they are taking everything and soon there is going to be nothing left.

My family, that dosnt exist, none of them talk to me, wanna know me, they dont even know anything about me, nothing happened just slowly they all stopped talking to me, now even if i try messaging them not a single one will reply, even when i was in the hospital for my operation. no one cared to even ask why. when i need help most, not a single one cared.

my friends, i barley have any anymore, those that i do dont live close to me. all my friends i had i lost, my 2 best friends were married (together) i was actually living with them until a month ago, until they decided to turn their back on me, give me 3 days to get my stuff and move out, they were even so nice as to give me no help, even got me fired from my job on the same day.

my mental health gets worse and worse every day, not a day goes by i wish i was dead to be completely honest, i dont wanna live this life anymore i dont wanna live all this shit im done, but i carry on living through this shitty existence for those few people who still care. and every single day is hell fighting myself fighting my urges, being at war with yourself is the hardest battle to go through. every night i go to sleep crying, every morning i wake up wishing i hadnt. i would do anything to have a cuddle, i would do anything to just fall asleep with someone.

My love life, well thatch just non existent. in the last 4 months i had 4 dates, date 1, goes well have fun went out for a drink had a laugh blah blah blah, she said shed love to see me again soon, i was a lovely guy she really liked me. ofcorse i never heard from her again. date 2, go out for a drink to get to know each other, again goes well connected got on well im a nice guy how am i single, anyone would be lucky to have me, again, dosnt ever contact me again. date 3, so talking for ages been going round there spending time with here cuddling, then out of no where she tells me shes seeing someone after telling me she likes me but isn't ready for a relationship so might take some time for us. well that was bullshit coz she got straight into one with some other guy within a week saying she loves him. so date 4 a few weeks ago, been talking goes week meet up and yeah same story how am i single anyone will be lucky im the perfect guy shes looking for, so we arrange a date to go and have dinner together i was gonna cook for her, on the day tho she stops talking to me, dont here from her for another week, she tells me she ditched me coz she found someone. so once again same shit happens despite that she said she wouldn't and all that bullshit ... guys are not the only ones that can be dicks to people and fuck them over. i have given up completely, stopped looking, stopped feeling, stopped caring..

my sleeping is i dont even know how to explain it, i dont sleep much most nights im awake with my thoughts, i get maybe 2 hours a sleep a night if that, i just no matter how tired i am i cant fall asleep, i cant relax and switch off. im sitting here now running on no sleep for 48 hours and i cant fall asleep. so here i am writing this. when i do sleep i regularly have nightmares, bad nightmares, but ive got so used to them now, its normal to have them and dosnt even bother me anymore, used to terrify me. now i hope they are real i hope that that dream i die, is not a dream. when i sleep i feel nothing, its the closest to death ill get, its peace.

i broke my leg 3 years ago at a trampoline park, ever since then ive been in constant pain every single day, bad excruciating pain, im on strong opioid painkillers to try and control the pain, im on Tramadol, codeine and naproxen every day, and im still in pain, i cant straighten my leg, i cant walk properly. ive had surgery on it, ive done physio and it isn't helping, im stuck like this, im stuck in pain every single day and there is nothing they can do.

so you wanna know how i feel every day, inside my head im fighting a war, fighting myself, trying to find a reason to go on to get through another shitty day on this earth with things never getting any better, im tired of being alive, fed up of being someone that when things start going right or better, something rips it out from under me and pulls me back down even worse then before. im terrified of being happy, im terrified of good things. do you know what its like to be scared of just being happy, what its like being scared when you meet someone good, or make a friend.everyday im looking for something to make me feel something, because honestly now, i feel absolutely nothing, i feel empty. nothing affects me anymore, nothing gets me low, gets me sad. everything is being taken from me. all this shit, my life has taken everything from me and the only thing that is left for this shitty life to take is my beating heat and my conscience. and im not sure how long i can hold out for, and the only reason i am is for the 1 or 2 people that actually care, they may not be close but i know it will hurt them. and i dont want them going through that.

i would do anything to be a dad i wanna be one so bad, in my head anyway, in reality im terrified to have kids, i am terrified they will turn out like me, im scared they will go through this, im scared they will get the same thing as me, i wouldn't want anyone to live with this, i know that i dont. i defiantly would never want my own child too,

i need help, but i dont know what will, i dont know what can help. i think im too far gone and its too late.

my life is and endless series of train-wrecks, only i have no intervals of happiness, i have no happiness or even anything close. just when i dont think things can get worse they do.

everything one way or another fucks me over, everything one way or another at some point hurts me, /// i dont think some people are ment to be happy, and i am one of them. some people are ment to suffer. and i dont know how much more i can take. i dont see what more could happen, but im sure it will. and im waiting for the day it gets too much. i dont even know how i got this far.

I know that no one cares, not about this, not about me. but its ok.

im used to it. this is my life. this is my normal. this is the real me ...

But this face smile, this mask ... this is what everyone else sees, ...

#mylife #my story #story #my life #life #me #self #myself #depression #suicidal #suicide #sad #lonely #you are not alone #depressed #selfie

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uberfluss · 5 years

Note

1-97 xoxo

1. What’s your middle name? i forgot i needed one

2. What are you listening to right now? this baby dont cry by K. Flay!

3. What was the last thing you ate? oatmeal

4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? my aunt

5. Do you drink? occassionally

6. Do you smoke? nope

7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone? usually their affect

8. What is your hair color? naturally dark brown currently fire engine red that wont fucking fade

9. What is your eye color? blue green grey

10. Do you wear contacts/glasses? both

11. Dogs or cats? cats!

12. What’s your favorite animal?cats oscars or ferrets

13. What’s your favorite television show? myth busters or how its made

14. What’s your favorite movie? beetlejuice!!

15. What’s your favorite band/singer? Billie Eilish Grandson Kflay and Mallrat have been the most recent

16. How old are you? i literally dont know half the time

17. Do you have a crush on anyone? not to my knowledge

18. What’s your sexual orientation? bi

19. What’s your favorite color? honestly i think pink

20. What was your most embarrassing moment? i literally dont know

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? all the fucking time

22. What were you like when you were a kid? annoying as hell never shut up and never stopped moving

23. What would your dream house be like? a small little apartment that i could safely afford

24. What last made you laugh? shaving cream in a crock

25. What is your favorite word?idt i have one

26. What is your least favorite word? not sure

27. What turns you on? no

28. What turns you off? someone being a fucking asshat

29. What is your star sign? triple sagittarius

30. What are your favorite books? hunger games, illiad, mary shelly’s frankenstein, les miserables, and donte’s inferno.

31. Do you have any siblings? too many

32. Do you like to dance? only by myself

33. What is your definition of cheating? starting a relationship with no intent to tell your other partner(s)

34. Have you ever cheated on someone? no

35. Do you regret anything? loads

36. Do you have any phobias? driving through farmland gives me anxiety if that counts

37. Ever broken any bones? i’ve only fractured my rib the rest have been just dislocations and subfluxes which are daily occurances

38. Ever come close to death? we all do

39. What is your religion, if any? a mess

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? yep currently seeing one

41. Are looks important in a relationship? not really?

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? hopefully neither

43. What is your favorite season? summer!!!

44. Do you have any tattoos? like 2

45. Do you have any piercings? like 9 hopefully gonna make it 11 soon

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? three

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? lydia deetz when i was like 7

48. Who is your celebrity crush? winona ryder

49. Are you a virgin? not answering

50. Do you get jealous easily? i literally cant name a time i’ve been truly jealous

51. What is your favorite type of food? sweets

52. Do you ever want to get married? i see no point in signing a legally binding document that ties me to a person for the foreseeable future. if anything it sounds like really bad dangerous idea.

53. Who was your first kiss with? a girl named maggie in the 6th grade and not the maggie that i post about

54. Have you ever been cheated on? no

55. What is your idea of the perfect date? sitting on a rooftop of a parking garage downtown at night taking photos and enjoying the view of the buildings around eating fries from some fast food place

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? extroverted introvert

57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? i wouldn’t be suprised

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with? a way with words that doesnt make me seem like an asshole half the time

59. What is your saddest memory? when i lost contact with my parter for two and a half years

60. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

61. Do you believe in soul mates? yes

62. Have you ever dyed your hair? all the time

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? no

64. Would you go against your moral code for money? no

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you? 1 i have a kid 2 im partially deaf 3 im in mensa

66. Who are you jealous of? no one really

67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? a plush heart from my partner

68. How long was your longest relationship? dont know

69. Is the glass half empty or half full? the glass is half full of air and half full of liquid and therefore completely full

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? no

71. Who is your most loyal friend? Maggie Lizard U.

72. Are you in a relationship? yes

73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? everything

74. Are you a bad person? it feels like it some days

75. Are you a lover or a fighter? lover

76. What did you do on your last birthday? i dont do anything for my birthday ever

77. What is your favorite quote and why?

“ there are 7 billion 47 million people on the planetAnd I have the audacity to think I matterI know it's a lie but I prefer it to the alternative”Because you do have to convince yourself there’s value to your life. even if you know deep down there’s nothing because if you dont you’ll walk down a very dark and dangerous road with only one end. and its not a very pleasant one

78. If your best friend died, what would you do? given she’s the reason im alive i’d probably be completely unable to cope

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? i dont even know

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? i’d call the people i love and tell them i love them and try to hang out with them if i could

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? the only dream i can remember is sitting on a curb with maggie playing some jenga like game next to a crashed helicopter surrounded by terrified people with guns and we were just smiling watching a giant giant gaint ship come barreling towards us and i KNew that it was the start of the end of the world.

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? i think the same. depends on the relationship.

83. Who were you in a past life? some Victorian bastard

84. What is your happiest childhood memory? driving around around midnight through downtown milwaukee after a death cab concert at the rave

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? yes

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? no but my sister had an imaginary friend called mr fork taht she never questioned and she thought when she got older he’d turn into mr knife. she didnt like mr fork and she wanted him to leave

87. If you were the president, what would you do? step down

88. What is your ideal career? i plan on going into phsychology and becomning a therapist ideally i want to run a shelter for run-aways or kids that got kicked out that would provide a stable enviroment and gave kids a place to stay as long as needed and if possible get the parents into therapy with those kids and resolve the home conflicts while the kids are still in the care of the shelter to ensure that they’re not mistreated as a result of anything that was said

89. What is your political affiliation? socialist at minimum

90. Are you conservative or liberal? liberal

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? what the hell is perfection??

92. Do you like kissing in public? depends on the place

93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? create healthy equality

94. Where would you like to live? in the middle of a giant bustling city like new york or hong kong or in a secluded pine forest running on solar pannels and well water and being completely sustainable

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation?

everywhere

96. Describe yourself in one word.

headache

97. Describe yourself in one sentence.

a dumbass who is really trying their hardest and it just doesnt wanna work

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entitynotincluded · 5 years

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April 5th 2019;

2:56 am/4:05 am

I cant sleep and my whole body is physically aching. All these people that hurt me keep cycling through my mind.

First my dad... Luis... Why could you never show me love or even that you were proud of me. My youngest memories are of you being drunk and passed out. Yet I still loved you and idolized you with all my heart. You were my strong and hilarious dad! No one could stop you! You were out all day keeping the bad guys in jail so how could you be bad? When the divorce happened and you disappeared entirely. Any part of you that I thought I had was gone and I lost the dad I had grown so attached to. Any love that I felt you had for me left and it felt like an eternity till you said “I love you” to me again. I know you’ve said you love me before.. But that was when I was so young. I barely remember it. After all this time why? Why did you finally say it right as you left me again.

Mom... I don’t remember much before the divorce.. I wish I did. I wish I could remember you’re smile from back then. Who you were before my dads lies and cheatings were discovered. I see all these pictures of you back then. You looked so light and happy. Now when you smile I feel uneasy at times. When we left dad you started to drink and party... a lot. Living with Nana feels like the begining of the nightmare. That’s when you would go to work, come home to change and then head out again. Till you’d come home covered in the scent of booze, cologne and sweat. You’d just climb in bed, laughing because I had turned your creepy dolls away from me so they werent looking at me, then pass out. You never could tell that I had spent all night crying... worried you wouldnt return. I sat in that room staring out the window just waiting for you. I just wanted the mom that would read and sing me to sleep back. I wanted so badly for you to just be my loving mom again. I thought you being gone was the worst. Soon I learned you being there was living hell.

When you were with Luis still sure you guys would pull my ear and spank me... That was so rare though. After the split though... It was like a switch flipped in you and I became the punching bag to all your frustrations. It felt like everyday you would be hitting my ass raw. Pulling my ear so hard and constantly that it felt like it would fall off. Shaming me in public. Did you feel powerful bending me over in those stores, all those people watching, and just hitting me till I was screaming in pain because I could barely stand anymore. You would be worse behind closed doors. I wasn’t allowed outside a lot because I was always grounded or I hadn’t cleared my plans with you at least a week in advance. I lived in constant fear of you. When the front door opened.. what mood would you be in?? How long could I hide in my room before you came for me?? Some days you would just come home; tell me to go to my room, take off my pants and bend over. Thats you be there soon with the spoon or spatula. I can still remember how that wood felt on my bare skin. The marks that were left. The tears that would seem to never stop. “I’ll stop when you stop crying. Why are you still crying?” I learned to not cry because of that. Emotions would only bring me pain so why did I need them? After you would leave though and that door would close (that is if it was allowed to be closed, which it usually wasnt) I would just cry. Forcing myself to be quiet so I wouldn’t draw your attention again. I’m an adult now so you don’t do that to me now. Yet I still feel so much fear to you sometimes.

Harleigh/Zeih... You were supposed to love me. Did you ever really care about me? Or was I just someone you dated cause why not?? You were polyamourous, yeah I was ok with that. I just wanted to know I had a special part in your heart. You could do what you wanted with people and I would have been fine with it. BUT you hid it from me. You withdrew from me and slept with some of my at the time closest friends. I had to learn from your roommate that you were having sex with these people. Then to have your dad call me and defend you? All I wanted was for you to reach out to me.. Talk to me. For when you saw me.. AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!! To come after me and just show some form of guilt or caring. But no.. You iust watched me break every time and cry while trying to run and hide.

You probably never learned this but... one of the people you were busy spending all your time with... Romancing and screwing... That son of a bitch would later take advantage of me. Thats for later in this hell of a post though. First you Harleigh.. You get to know how what you did affected me... I already had trust and abandonment issues. You knew this... After this though... I just lost all sense of trust. Those I dated after you were because I felt the need to say yes not cause I wanted to. I remeber one guys name after you and thats cause I know I hurt him and for that I’m truly sorry. It took YEARS for me to finally, FINALLY feel attached to someone again. To fully love them. He is so much to me but god damn am I terrifed. I’m so scared of history repeating. You know why I’m so scared?? Because of you Harleigh... Harleigb you are the reason my heart fucking turned to dust. After you I stopped eating because maybe you found my body disgusting?? I identified as Asexual at the time but had been willing to have sex if that was what you really desired from me. I was willing to be that vulnerable with you. Yet you twisted it and shattered me. I stopped eating, my body would just start puking everyday... I lost all sense of time.

That is until Sam.

Sam... You through all of this had been there for me to go to and cry. When hugged me it felt like a shield. I thought you were my genuine friend. I called you my older brother sometimes for gods sake. But no... You took my trust and shattered it too. I just wanted a ride to my best friends house after a long day of guys being creepy and flipping my skirt up. You offered me a ride so I could avoid the creeps on the bus. Did you plan to take me up to that hill/mountaint that day? When did you deside that was the destination? All I remember is Ninja Sex Party playing in your speakers and driving past my friends house. I was so confused but I trusted you.

I got out of that car and looked at the view you had wanted me to see.

I sat on the rock like you told me to.

I was being the good little girl everyone told me to be.

Then next thing I know.. your mouth is on mine. Your hands just touching and clawing at my chest. Suddenly you had pushed my skirt up.. it felt like you were clawing at my tights... like you would rip them off at any second.. You had asked if I wanted you to go in my underwear. How many god damn times did I say no and shake my head??? Were my tears not enough for you?!!!! Apparently not. Your strong hands that had held me so many times suddenly were violating me. I remember your touch on my vagina.. You made a comment about how I shouldnt be embarrassed that I wasnt bare down there. You finallt took me to my friends house when you were done with me and after that you never spoke to me again.

Dylan... you were a minor part in all of this. You were just a boy that wanted his dick to get sucked. And I was just a boy that wanted some weed. Yet that wasn’t all... you knew I had a small crush on you... You joked about it to me. You led me along and ditched me right as one of my close friends that you liked started talking to you again. You left me like some road kill. Why couldnt you at least stay and be my friend?? No. You had to completely stop talking to me. So for that fuck you. You never cared when I cried. Never came when I was crying and on the verge. Just begging for some form of help.

After all this I tried to stop eating and existing. I went to an out patient program and acted like a good recovering depressed child. I just wanted to play happy until the day I snapped and killed myself. Now though... Now I feel so happy. Everyday I get to talk to the love of my life. He sees my pain. It scares him yes. But it doesn’t scare him away. If anything it brings him closer. He wants to be there for me and I want to be there for him. I don’t have to be fake happy anymore.

I just get to be genuinely happy!

He makes living through all of this worth it and so much more. There will be hard times in the future. I accept this. Yet I feel so much more prepared to face it as long as I have my soulmate, James. He makes me not hate the world anymore. In fact now I don’t hold hate towards any of these people except you Sam.

My mother: I love her dearly even though she terrifies me

My father: I want to trust you and feel a bond if that were possible

Dylan: We were both so young I just hope you learned and are a better person now

Harleigh: I hope you find joy in your life. Though it would bring me so much joy if you could see like once in public with my James. I just want you to see how much better of a person he is than you will EVER be.

#ramblings #feelings #text

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notimetoblog · 6 years

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Not The Time (pt.7)

Summary: After not seeing Bucky Barnes in what felt like forever you find yourself with him in the middle of a chaotic situation. Definitely not the time to reminisce about your past with him.

A/N:I think this is the longest chapter I've written! I just couldn't stop myself lol. WE GET ANSWERS in this one!! We also finally see the prompt i chose from @violentlybarnes writing challenge! its in bold. One more chapter and i will have officially finished my first fic!!! can you believe it? I really cant lol . Thanks and i really hope you like it!!

PART 1 / PART 2 / PART 3 / PART 4 / PART 5 / PART 6 /

Walking into the compound was always an experience. Your total awe at walking into the jet was miniscule compared to your reaction to the compound. What other place could boast it was home to the greatest and mightiest heroes on earth? They didn’t all live here fulltime, but still, it was home to them.

Bucky had mostly chosen to live here to be near Steve and Sam. Being away from them made no sense for his recovery. He needed people around him he could trust and who genuinely cared for him. So, the compound it was.

The trip up to the compound from your apartment was quite long so you didn’t really spend much time here. Your job needed you to be back in the city, so Bucky took it upon himself to spend as much time with you there. The enormity of the compound had, therefore, not been lost on you. The little time you had spent here, allowed you to observe amazing things. Who would be able to keep their cool when an always-present AI, holographic displays, Tony’s suits, and all his gadgets just existed here?! Coming up here always had you feeling like the little boy in The Incredibles.

“So what are you waiting for? I don’t know! Something amazing, I guess.”

Bucky teased you endlessly because of this. Always whispering the line to you when he caught you staring at something within the compound. You almost regretted showing him that movie.

“Y/N!” Steve yelled as he saw you turning the corner to the common area. He was walking out of his office. His smile was contagious, and you couldn’t help but join him. He brought you into one of his famous Steve Hugs™. “How have you been?”

“Hi, Steve,” you said as you smiled and pulled back from his hug to look at him. “I’m ok, kinda still processing everything.”

Steve understood what you meant. You had just been through countless of hours of work and on top of that you had to also be dealing with your situation with Bucky. Whatever it was, it still wasn’t very clear to him.

“Your things are coming back with the other jet. We made sure to get everything for you,” he said trying not to dwell too long on something that was probably still very fresh. “I spoke to your friend, Josh, he said your cellphone was with him. He said you left it back at a clinic?”

“Right!” you said as you realized where your phone had been left. “I must’ve left it behind while Josh and I rushed from a clinic we were visiting when we heard the explosion.”

“I see. Well, he mentioned you have a lot of calls to return.”

“I bet,” you said as you pictured all the calls you probably missed. People had no doubt tried to reach you once they realized you had been near the explosion. I’ll do that soon, you thought.

“I should probably call Maya, though,” you turned to Bucky who had been standing behind you. “Just to let her know I have a way home.”

“Yeah, there’s a phone in there,” Bucky pointed towards Steve’s office. “Feel free to use that one.”

You nodded and made your way over.

“I gotta go, Buck,” Steve said as you went into his office. “Take care of her, would you. Don’t be an idiot.”

“Yeah, I know,” Bucky replied with sigh.

“I’ll see you soon. Do you think she’ll stay the night?”

“I don’t think so,” Bucky said. “I’m driving her home. She probably wants to be there as soon as possible.”

Steve’s eyes widened with surprise. Maybe his friend wasn’t a complete idiot. He had apparently taken the first few steps to fix whatever had happened between you two.

“Ok,” Steve said with a smile. “Tell me how it goes and let me know if she needs backup beating your ass.”

Bucky snorted, “Will do.”

As Steve left, Bucky looked over to the office you were in. He could see your silhouette through the frosted door. You seemed to be having a very animated talk with Maya. He wondered if you’d tell her he would be the one to drive you home. By the looks of it, you had told her.

Maya hated him. He knew this. She had made it perfectly clear.

---

He had tried to stay away from the restaurant you two had met in. He had really tried but after a grueling mission he couldn’t stay away from the soup. He had headed to the restaurant at a time he was sure you wouldn’t be there. He didn’t want to cause you any discomfort or pain seeing him after what he’d done.

He walked inside and sighed in relief when he didn’t see you there. He sat at a table and waited for his soup.

“Well, I wasn’t sure if should expect more from you,” he heard a familiar voice say from behind.

He turned and saw Maya standing behind him with a scowl on her face. He had gotten along well with Maya. She was like a sister to you and she had never expressed anything other than love for the two of you. That had obviously changed.

“Do you mind if I sit?” she asked as she walked around the table to the seat in front of him. “Actually, I don’t care if you mind or not. I’m not here to make you happy.”

You had told her. Of course, you had. She was your closest friend and you surely needed someone to lean on after he had left you seemingly out of the blue.

“Let me guess, you ordered her soup?” She asked once she had made herself comfortable in front of him.

He nodded, preparing himself for what was surely coming.

She scoffed, “Of course, you did.” She paused as a waitress brought him the soup. The waitress asked Maya if she wanted anything and she had replied with a polite no.

“You know, Barnes,” she continued after the waitress had left. “I had always seen you as a good guy. I saw how you treated Y/N, you were good to her. She was happy with you, so I liked you too. Even saw you as a hero. What I didn’t peg you as was a coward.”

There it was. That word Bucky had been calling himself for almost two months.

“Do you know who runs away? Cowards do. Do you know who hurts people that love them? Cowards do. So, therefore, I have concluded that you, my friend, are a coward.”

Bucky didn’t know where to look so he settled his eyes on his soup. He knew she was absolutely right calling him a coward. He couldn’t look at her, though. Too ashamed to raise his eyes.

“If you wanted to break up with her, you could’ve put your big boy pants on and told her. But no, instead you had her worry over you for weeks. You had her thinking something had happened on your mission and your friends had just forgotten to let her know. She couldn’t go to you, so she called you. You promptly ignored her.”

He felt his heart constrict. He had seen your messages and heard your voicemails but he couldn't go back to you. His heart had broken every time he heard a tearful voicemail. They had eventually stopped around the time Sam had confronted him.

“I won’t take too much more of your precious time, Barnes. Just know one thing, I might not be able to physically kick your ass but don’t think that’ll stop me from trying if need be. I was wrong about you. You broke her, and I’ll always remember that. I’ll help her forget, but always know I remember.” She got up and started making her way towards the door. “Don’t come back here,” she added. “At least let her keep this.”

He hadn’t returned to the restaurant after that and Maya had never mentioned the incident to you.

---

“So, Maya is pretty upset,” you said as you reappeared from Steve’s office. “Told me to ask Sam to drive me home. Or Steve.”

He knew he would have to face Maya’s wrath soon enough. She was a fighter when it came to you. She had already told him she would gladly kick his ass and he had just given her the perfect opportunity.

“Do you want me to ask one of them?” He asked. “If you’d feel more comfortable I’ll get one of them to do it.”

“No,” you said. “We’re doing this now, Bucky. You said you would.”

“I know, I will, I just need to know you’re ok with this.”

“I am. Can we go now? I just want to be home.”

“Yes. You sure you don’t want to rest a bit before we get in the car?” he asked. He was getting nervous. It all depended on this ride home.

“No, I’m tired of waiting,” you replied.

“Ok, then let’s go.”

Before leaving you had gone to find Sam and Tony, again. After thanking them for getting you back to New York, you left. You noticed Sam mouthing something to Bucky, but you hadn’t been fast enough to catch what he had said.

Getting in Bucky’s car you quickly realized how suffocating this was going to be. The car was large, it had to fit a super soldier after all, but it still felt constricting. Your mind began conjuring all the memories you had created in this car and you had to try your best to quiet it down.

“Music?” Bucky said hoping to somehow make you feel at ease. An impossible task, he knew.

“Sure,” you replied softly as you began thinking what the best way to approach this was.

Bucky turned on music that always helped him relax. Music that reminded him of happier, lighter times. Songs that reminded him of his life before all this Winter Soldier mess.

You realized what he was playing and knew he must be feeling the same nervousness as you. He had often played that when he came home from missions. He hoped it would help him calm relax and it did, partially. It was you that always completely brought back his peace of mind, though. Now, he had promised to put everything out in the open, so you figured you’d give both of you some time to calm down.

After a half hour of trying to calm down, you realized you just couldn’t relax. When your mind wasn’t drawing up happy memories it simply brought up him saying I’ll come find you when this is all over.

You’d had enough of waiting.

“Was it something I did?” you whispered feeling the tears already forming.

Bucky had to stop himself from hitting the car’s breaks. God, he wasn’t ready for this. He was a coward, like Maya had said. He couldn’t face you and the pain he had caused you. How could he ever make you feel like you had done something wrong? All you had done was love him and he had hurt you. He felt the overwhelming need to pull you into his arms and just hold you.

“Darling, please don’t think that,” he said.

“Well, what am I supposed to think, then? Bucky, you just disappeared!” you said feeling anger bubbling up.

“I know, I know…” he began.

“Do you?” you interrupted. “Do you know how I felt? Do you know what I thought? I thought you’d been hurt Bucky. I couldn’t stop thinking something terrible had happened to you. You promised to come back,” you said not being able to hold back the tears. “You promised and then you disappeared. I called you! I lost count of how many times I called and texted you.”

Your sobs stopped you from saying more. Why had fate placed Bucky in front of you again? Did it like seeing you hurt?

Bucky had to do something. He had to comfort you in any way. He saw how your tears rolled down your cheeks, he heard your heartbreaking sobs and he needed to do something. He exited it the highway as soon as he could and found a quiet place to park the car. He immediately ran to your side and opened the door.

He tried to help you get out of the car, but you refused to let him touch you. You got out of the car yourself and stood in front of him. You two were completely alone, still somewhere in upstate New York.

“I’m sorry,” he said his own tears falling. “I’m sorry. I know I hurt you. I know what I did, Y/N, and I can’t forgive myself, so I don’t expect you to forgive me.”

“Why did you leave?” you whispered. “You could’ve told me you didn’t want to be with me. I would have understood.”

“I couldn’t tell you that because I would have been lying to you, doll.”

That name, again. ‘Doll’.

“Do you remember what I said when I last saw you?”

How could I forget, you thought. Those words have been haunting me since.

You nodded unable to bring yourself to say them out loud.

“I meant it. I wanted to come back to you. Of course, I did. I love you, how could I not want to come back to you.”

You looked away from him and you felt a brand new round of sobs coming up.

He loved you. He had said he loved you. What a way of showing it, you thought.

He couldn’t stop himself from reaching out to you as he heard your sobs again. He pulled you so close to him. If this was the last time he got to hug you, he wanted to make sure he remembered exactly what it felt like. Your arms wrapped around his neck as he brought you even closer.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered. “Doll, I’m so sorry.”

“Then why not come back?” you asked, your own voice barely above a whisper.

He didn’t let go of you and he felt your body shake as your sobs left your body.

“I don’t deserve you,” he said. “How could I ever deserve you? Doll, you’re the sweetest, smartest, warmest person I’ve ever met. How could I deserve you after everything I’ve done?”

You loosened your arms around his neck and pulled back a bit to see his eyes. Those eyes that had so much power over you. You felt your heart drop as you saw how sad they looked. All light had left them; the only thing they were emitting was heartbreaking sadness.

“That’s not true,” you said as you wiped his tears from his cheek. “You deserve the world.”

“Don’t,” he said. “Don’t say that. We both know that’s not true.”

Your brows furrowed.

“I’ve known all along I didn’t deserve you. I love you to pieces, doll, but I don’t deserve you. I figured the only fair thing for you was to let you go.”

You pulled back completely from his embrace at this confession.

“I thought I could tell you in person. I thought I would be able to look you in the eyes and end what we had, but I just couldn’t. One look into your eyes and I felt overwhelmed with the need to hug you, to kiss you, to just spend whatever time I could with you. So, I never did it. I always put it in the back of my mind. Hoping you wouldn’t realize how much I didn’t deserve you.”

How had you not noticed this? You were supposed to be helping him get better and you had missed this self-loathing.

“I would always try to convince myself that maybe I could stay with you. I almost did it. But then one day when I picked you up from work I overheard Josh say how he couldn’t understand how you could be near me, let alone love me. How he couldn’t see how someone like you could ever want to be associated with me. And I realized, even though you hadn’t noticed I didn’t deserve you, I had and everybody else had too.”

Your mind couldn’t keep up with everything he just said. Josh?! Josh had caused this mess?!

To say his interaction with Josh was tense the day he had come back to ask you to fly home with him, was an understatement. Bucky always felt Josh had known he could hear him that day.

“So, when I said goodbye to you that night,” he continued. “I really did plan on coming back. I planned on working on something to say to you to end it. To finally let you be happy with somebody that truly deserved you. But I just knew I couldn’t go through with it. If I faced you, I would just want to keep you, and nothing would change. So I just didn't come back.”

He wiped his tears from his face. He hoped everything he had said made some sort of sense to you. He needed you to understand because only if you did, could he hope of fixing this.

“Buck,” you said. “Oh, honey how could you ever think that?”

You tucked a strand of hair behind his ear and then wiped your own tears.

“Buck,” you said again. “Listen to me, you were taken, tortured, wiped, and forced to do all those things. Everything you had, was taken from you. To come back from all that, to be able to overcome all of that, takes courage, strength, and overall goodness. The universe could hand you ten million dollars, a mansion in every country in the world, and the largest bowl of our soup, and it would still be in debt to you. You deserve happiness more than anyone I know.”

He looked at you, scanning your eyes for any hint of a lie. No more lies, you had said.

“Love,” you continued. And God it felt so right to call him that again. “Please believe me. You deserve the world.”

He saw anger flash in your eyes before you spoke again.

“And that idiot, Josh, knows nothing about you. Knows nothing about us. He doesn't now how sweet, how caring, and soft you are. Doesn't know that you’re everything I could've have hoped for and more. He has no idea how your hugs feel like home, how your kisses make me melt. He doesn't know you, Bucky Barnes. He doesn't know how much I love you.”

He leaned closer to you, wrapping his arms around your waist once more and bumped your nose with his.

“Do you mean it?” he asked. Hoping with all his heart that you had meant it. That the universe wasn't playing some cruel twisted joke on him.

“Every bit of it,” you whispered.

He looked into your eyes once again trying to understand how he had let go of you so easily. How someone’s words could've caused him to spend a year without you. A lonely, sad, miserable year without your love. He could never say thank you enough to the powers that be, that let him find you again. And he was convinced he would never be able to word just how much he loved you. He couldn't ever truly voice it, but perhaps he could show it.

With a small smile he captured your lips in his.

It was not the time to think of that year apart. Not the time to think of Josh. Not the time to think of pain.

It was time to love again.

LAST PART

----------------

Tags Club! (Please let me know if you'd like to be tagged in other Bucky stories i write since this fic is almost over. Just one more chapter!)

@buckysmusculararm @notkeppeki @parkerprotectionprogram @kittyslove @whyisbuckyso @faunacea @creideamhgradochas @sony-undead18 @sixweekcure4dreams @snowflakesandkisses @just-add-butter @dracris33 @the-northernking @camillechan @this-is-happening @carry-on-my-fandom @buckyisthepuresthuman @seargantbcky

#Bucky Barnes #bucky #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #bucky x reader #bucky x you #bucky fanfic #bucky angst #violentlybarnes3k #my first fic #stories by notimetoblog

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tae-mister · 6 years

Text

🌟85 Questions🌟

Tagged by: @broken-scene-queens ahhh Thank you for tagging me!!

Rules: Answer these 85 statements about yourself, then tag 20 people.

Last

1. Drink- Water

2. Phone call- My mom, she didn’t want to get out of bed to get icecream..

3. Text Message- My mom again, same reason too lol

4. Song you listened to- Pitch by @pukicho (his music is amazinggg check him out )

5. Time you cried- Last night haha

Ever

6. Dated someone twice- Nope

7. Kissed someone and regretted it- no

8. Been cheated on- no

9. Lost someone special- yeah

10. Been depressed- Its complicated i guess

11. Gotten drunk and threw up- nooo

Fave Colors

12. Any shade of blue

13. Black

14. Really light/dusty pastel pink

In the last year have you…

15. Made new friends- Since the beginning of 2018? no, unless im mixing things up in my head

16. Fallen out of love- I’ve never been in love, so no

17. Laughed until you cried- nopee

18. Found out someone was talking about you- no

19. Met someone who changed you- no

20. Found out who your friends are- kinda i guess?

21. Kissed someone on your Facebook friends list- yes two people lmaoooo

General

22. How many Facebook friends do you know irl- all of em

23. Do you have any pets- A cat (i had two but one disapeared;-;-;-;-;) a turtle, and a dog

24. Do you want to change your name- Nah its chill

25. What did you do for your last birthday- I either did nothing or went to a Cafe with a friend, but i cant remember if that was last time or the birthday before (My memory is soooo badddd)

26. What time did you wake up today-7:30 but then i went back asleep till 9 haha

27. What were you doing @ midnight last night- Either reading or watching youtube

28. What is someting you can’t wait for- a new season of ASOUE

29. Not listed

30. What are you listening to right now- Stay by Thirty Seconds To Mars (an amazing coverrrr)

31. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom- no lol

32. Something that gets on my nerves- People not treating others with basic human respect. Its not that hard so just heckin do it. Also when people dog ear booksss

33. Most visited website- Probably youtube

34. Hair color- Dark brown

35. Hair long or short- Short

36. Do you have a crush on someone- I dont even know anymore, probably not

37. What do you like about yourself- Physically, my eyes. Otherwise my abibilty to read books really fast idk

38. Want any piercings- I want more ear piercings and possibly a nose piercing in the future.

39. Blood type- Not a cluee

40. Nicknames- Nati or Nacho

41. Relationship status- Singlee and not planning to date, too stressful

42. Zodiac- Aquarius

43. Pronouns- She/Her

44. Fave TV shows- I really only watch youtube or Netflix.. but if it has to be something on tv, then Criminal minds is chill

45. Tattoos- none yet, but i plan on getting my first next year

46. Right or left handed- right handed

47. Ever had surgery- I don’t think so

48. Piercings- just one in both ears

49. Sports- uhhhhhhhhhh Volleyball i guess? I dont really play sports

50. Vacations- uhh i went to california to visit family last Christmas, does that count as a vacation tho?

51. Trainers- The closest thing i have to gym shoes are my pair of Converse

More General

52. Eating- I mostly eat cereal lol

53. Drinking- Water, Mtn. Dew, or Green Tea

54. I’m about to watch- probably some youtube videos lol

55. Waiting- for myself to do homeworkkkk

56. Want- to sleeeepppp

57. Get married- As of now, don’t see that happening for decades, relationships just seem too time consuming and complicated for me

58. Career- Forensic Chemist and Crime scene analysis, if that fails then idk what

Which is better

59. Hugs or Kisses- uhhh idk neither

60. Lips or eyes- Eyesss

61. Shorter or taller- I like taller but honestly don’t really care

62. Older or younger- Probs older

63. Nice stomach or arms- Don’t care

64. Hookup or relationship- between these? relationship.

65. Troublemaker or hesitant- Probably hesitant because i dont really have the money to be doing dumb stuff

Have you ever

66. Kissed a stranger- no

67. Drank hard liquor- I’ve tried sips of mixed drinks

68. Lost glasses- Yes, it was terribleee

69. Turned someone down- Yeah

70. Sex on first date- Nopee

71. Broken someone’s heart- Ha no

72. Had your heart broken- no

73. Been arrested- no

74. Cried when someone died- Yeah :/

75. Fallen for a friend- Not really ‘fallen’ but I’ve had crushes on friends before.

Do you believe in

76. Yourself- Maybe in certain things

77. Miracles- Yeah

78. Love at first sight- No, I don’t think its possible, you’d just be “falling in love” with their looks, not personality

79. Not Listed

80. Kiss on a first date- I dont believe in it but ive done it lmaooo

81. Angels- nah

Other

82. Best Friend’s name- I have multiple, Krystal, Gabi and my dog Mutu

83. Eye Color- Brown

84. Fave Movie- Coco, I love that movie so muchhhhh I cry everytime i watch it.

85. Favorite Actor/Actress- I dont keep up with them lmaooo

I’m too lazy to tag 20 people so im just gonna tag a few mutuals

tagging: @suga-brushing-his-teeth @dreamingourlives @hyyhoseok @thespaceginger

#ahhhhhh thank you again for tagging meee!#i liked all the questions in here #have i mentioned that i love tag games lmao #also sorry for spamming #oh and definetly check out pukicho's music #he does such a great job

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cockringhoratio · 6 years

Text

well gosh golly gee will ya look at that its a tag game! tagged by the blogger of Bad Cosmemes: @sherpawhale

PRESS J TO SKIP IF YOU AINT WANNA SEE THIS sorry mobile users ur screwed

Rules: answer 11, ask 11

1. What sport are you most excited to watch during the 2018 Winter Olympics? Or sport you’d most like to understand more about?

okay so im ngl i mainly watch the olympics for swimming, diving, volleyball, and gymnastics, and those are all summer sports, but that one when you ski and shoot things at the same time sounds pretty banging. also freestyle skiing and snowboarding are cool too.

2. Would you rather be Twitter, Tumblr, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, or Snapchat famous?

honestly youtube probably. because i love to talk about stuff when no one can interrupt me and honestly i could probably swing it as a how to channel. and also adsense but the only things i know how to How To are tech theater nonsense or already have like 50 thousand videos on them so meh

3. What are your thoughts/feelings on your most famous “local” (local can be regional) sports team?

so. the thing about va. is that. we dont have SPORTS! we kinda bum off everyone around us, which means for college basketball, we go to duke vs TARHEELS WOOT WOOT (also its hilarious that nc state thinks that theyre somehow in the picture for that rivalry like lmao) and then i think the cavaliers do okay for themselves in football, and i think thats the closest we get to a Known team from va? also we have the tides in norfolk, who feed into the orieles, but like does anyone actually follow the minor leagues??? and because the nationals in dc are closer, everyone follows them instead of the orieles for the majors so its just wah???? and then obvi the redskins (whom i did not realize where in dc for THE LONGEST time) for the nfl and that about it. my fam goes to tides games sometimes, and also penninsula pilots games, which are really fun bc its all homey and old school, and thats about the extent of my sports knowledge. yes technically local for me right now would be la but honestly fuck an la.

4. What is the one book/book series you would read to experience it for the first time again if you could?

So Fucking Many. um. lemme think. i reread thief of time by terry pratchett almost religiously but it still manages to get me just as much as it did the first time, so not that one. (if you asking what book id want buried with me, however, that would 100% be the answer). maybe the belgariad/mallorean by david eddings?? bc the ending of that makes me cry like a fuckin baby holy shit. but i swear theres a better one...... NEVERWHERE. by neil gaiman. yeah. that one. shoutout to allison for first giving me that one lol. (also the wee free men and all the tiffany aching books. those are Good Shit too)

5. What is the one tv show you would watch to experience it for the first time again if you could?

pushing daisies. no question.

6. What is the one song or album you would listen to experience it for the first time again if you could?

transmissions by starset, and also gimme gimme gimme (a man after midnight) by abba and the last of the real ones by fob. the reason i listed more than one is bc if i didnt i would immediately star talking abt transmissions and starset and then this post would be 5 miles longer than its already gonna be

7. What is the one game you would play to experience it for the first time again if you could?

i dont have very expansive gaming experience outside of browser stuff, and i technically havent beat superhot yet so i cant really experience it AGAIN cuz i havent even fully experienced it for the first time. but on the other hand, i do play an obscene number of escape room games and once you beat those is kinda like well... so i guess id go back and and do those again.... OH WAIT lego indiana jones. because im a fucking class act.

8. What is the one movie you would watch to experience it for the first time again if you could?

descendants (2015) bc HOLY SHIT did ben fucking hit me out of left field like that is an emotional experience i definitely want to relive. also power rangers (2017) and the entire oceans trilogy (in reverse order like i watched them the first time lmao its so funny to be introduced to andy garcia as like their grumpy sugar daddy in the last one and then see him in 12 and 11 and hes like.... so not that...)

9. If you drive, do you prefer to drive with your hands at 10 and 2 or 9 and 3 (don’t say other, which of these two)?

ah i see we’re gonna pretend i dont drive with one hand at 6 and/or my knee. and even then, they teach 8&4 now bc of airbag stuff, but uuuuh whenever i sit up really straight and stretch my arms, i put my hands at 10 and 2

10. What’s the best vanity plate you’ve ever seen?

i come from the land of $10 vanity plates so Let Me Tell You i have seen some real gems. my friend has AUDREY 2, saw a truck with TH8R once, also a PIR8 GRL truck, and my best friend has H3CK Y3A bc shes a fucking nerd. thats all i can tell you off the top of my head but there are some great ones. also lots of like ‘luv my kids’ or jackson 5 type plates. and also lots of Well Im Sure You Didnt Mean It As A Sex Thing Because Of The Stick People Family On Your Windshield But I Literally Cant Come Up With Any Other Interpretation

11. What’s the best prank you’ve ever pulled, or if you’re not a prankster, best prank you’ve witnessed?

god you know that feeling where you know youve pulled some good ones but you cant for the life of you remember them? thats me rn. cuz i Know me and my friends have pulled some real shit on each other. all i can remember is scaring obnoxious freshmen by turning off the lights in the catwalks after telling them about our theater ghost, but like thats boring. there was the 69 shirt a different group of made but like we were pretty obvious about that so it wasnt really a prank. hmmmm. cant think of any ive witnessed either damn. my memories really going to shit isnt it.

My questions:

1. what creature would you ride into battle in your YA adventure film?

2. what would your highly unrealistic virus a la hackers (1995) look like/be themed around?

3. what is your ideal pet? (real or otherwise)

4. what is your opinion on the fact that my roommate has color coordinated every goddamn thing she owns down to the fucking charging cable she uses?

5. what are your favorite kind of shoes?

6. follow any webcomics?

7. whats your treat yourself meal?

8. whats your feel good movie/book/show?

9. whats your favorite ride or type of ride at amusement parks/carnivals/etc?

10. what historical figure would be fight on sight if you could time travel?

11. if a car is going 70+ on a 60 highway are you the one with your foot on the pedal or the one screaming in the passenger seat?

tagging time: i know i normally dont actually tag people but i got to pick the questions this time so imma do it. also dont feel obligated to do it if you dont wanna, and if i didnt tag you but you do wanna, have at it fam. @colordrifter @punkpixieprince @holybikinisbatman @rainelinde @theheartshapedsunglasses @hometown-unicorn

#sherpawhale #colordrifter #punkpixieprince #holybikinisbatman #rainelinde #theheartshapedsunglasses #hometown unicorn #tried to keep it to people ive seen do tag games before #but like i said if youre looking to break into the game i extend my @ to you #long post #abt cy

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