#ALSO FUCK THE BALLOONS THEY WERE HARD AF

[luffysbasement]

a happy, happy birthday to a dreamer :)

#dream fanart #dreamwastaken #dream mcyt #dream team #mcyt #my art #WOOOOOOOO #IM PROÙD OF THJS ONE #ALSO FUCK THE BALLOONS THEY WERE HARD AF #ESP BC I HAD A FREAKINF STOMACHACHE WHILE DOING IT #AAAAAAA

[sokka-with-his-hair-down]

Cabin Leader Zukka AU

Credit to @im-a-sokka-for-you, @waywarddork, @king-bumi-for-president, @sokkaseboyhair, and @crying-at-ikea for helping out with this monstrosity of a post!! Stupid Squad™ ily ❤️

This is long af but I promise it’s worth it 🥺🥺

Sokka and Zuko are rival cabin leaders at a summer camp

The camp has sort of a 4-elements theme because I say so

Eight Cabins. Two Water-Themed, two Fire Themed, two Earth-Themed, and Two Air-Themed.

Sokka leads the Southern Water Cabin. Yue the Northern. Aang leads one of the Air Cabins, and Suki leads an Earth Cabin. Zuko and Ty Lee lead the Fire Cabins. (Ty Lee shamelessly flirts with the assistant camp director, Mai...)

Sokka and Zuko’s cabins, along with all the other cabins, are competing in the yearly camp competition. There are different challenges, like water balloon fights (water), mud runs (earth), zip lining (air), and s’more roasting (fire).

Zuko’s cabin wins most years, and Sokka’s like “not this year. This year WE take the trophy” and he’s got his heart set on it.

Sokka thinks Zuko’s obnoxious. He sees him as hot-headed and snippy and arrogant. And he’s almost militaristic with his cabin kids. (And yet they love him. Even more annoying.)

Sokka wants to be the ✨fun cabin✨, he usually does, but he starts pushing harder to advance to the next round of the competition and win.

Sokka and Zuko have multiple confrontations. They’re snarky and sarcastic “good luck out there😈” kind of things (which Sokka HATES)

The two cabins pull pranks on each other all the time. Very Parent-Trap-esque. Sokka and Zuko plan a lot of them, but that doesn’t stop the kids from doing a few on their own (I imagine some very lovable OC campers).

Sokka wakes up with a shaving-cream beard more than once.

Zuko wakes up wearing makeup once...

Then, as the story unfolds with whatever subplots a writer may put in, Sokka catches more and more glimpses of Zuko acting more human... and hey... Zuko’s sort of sweet when he’s like that...

No. This is a competition. Zuko bad. Winning good.

Sokka confides in Aang and Yue one night after a staff meeting.

“You don’t understand, guys! He’s—he’s infuriating! He’s good at everything, and the kids all like him, and I know I’m supposed to hate the guy but I don’t anymore! And I don’t know why! And part of me feels like he deserves to win every damn time even thought it’s ridiculous that he does-”

“Sokka.”

Aang looks at him almost sympathetically. Sokka tilts his head in confusion.

“Have you considered that maybe you just have a little crush on him?”

“WHAT?!”

“...”

“Oh. Shit.”

Anyway Sokka has a bit of an awakening and is like “OH NO I LIKE ZUKO I’M SUPPOSED TO HATE ZUKO.”

After panicking about that for way too long, Sokka winds up telling Suki about this revelation and Suki is like:

“Well... I don’t know if I should be telling you this, but I think Zuko’s had a crush on you for years.”

“WHAT THE FUCK.”

Suki sort of awkwardly admits that she’s picked up on it. She and Zuko are friends (something Sokka could never fathom why but he left it be) and she tells Sokka how Zuko talks about him... an absurd amount. And how Zuko, on more than one occasion, has accidentally called Sokka cute.

(i.e “just because he’s Mr. Cute and Friendly doesn’t mean he can walk around like he owns the place!” “You think he’s cute?” “What? Uh-”)

Leading up to the final face off where Zuko and Sokka’s cabins will compete against each other, Sokka leaves his campers with Suki for a few minutes and approaches Zuko’s cabin one night and asks to speak with him. Alone.

There’s a unanimous “oooooooooooh!” from the campers.

The two step outside, and Sokka’s freaking out, but he’s gonna do it anyway.

He’s really awkward about it and keeps beating around the bush.

“Just get to the point, Sokka!!”

“Um. Do you like me?”

That. Was not what he meant to say.

In all honesty, Sokka meant to say that he likes Zuko, and THEN ask him if he liked him back, but he panicked, give the guy a break.

Zuko’s face goes completely blank.

“Wait, what?”

Sokka, now suddenly convinced he and Suki were wrong, chickens out and bolts, Zuko calling after him. (He can’t chase him because he can’t leave his campers unattended.)

Sokka freaks out silently as he leads his campers back to his cabin for the night.

He doesn’t get much sleep.

Day of the big competition. The campers are getting ready for the final showdown. Zuko’s team is a few points ahead of Sokka’s, but not ahead by many.

Sokka avoids Zuko all morning. Aang, Yue, and Suki are worried about him but he brushes it off, saying it’s no biggie (it is).

Right before the first challenge he overhears one of his campers talking to someone from Zuko’s cabin. The kid from the opposing cabin says “Zuko was in a bad mood last night. He didn’t wanna tell us why, though.”

Oh no. It’s worse than he thought. Zuko is angry at sokka. More than usual.

The games begin. Both teams tally up points after each round of whatever they’re doing (three-legged race, canoeing, etc).

The final score is kept secret—the camp director (accompanied by Mai<3) says the final score will be announced that night at the campfire.

Sokka makes sure he doesn’t run into any scar-faced boys on the way to his cabin. Or at dinner. Or on his way to the campfire.

Everyone is gathered around outside, fire blazing, hot-cocoa and s’mores present. Sokka doesn’t even care about winning anymore. In fact, he hopes Zuko wins, so he doesnt get any more angry.

But

The Southern Water Cabin wins.

Sokka’s campers jump up and scream with excitement. And though he isn’t feeling quite himself, he still offers hugs and high fives and congratulates them all on their hard work.

Then, suddenly, while kids are mingling and cheering, Sokka feels a tap on his shoulder and spins around.

Zuko.

“Hi.”

Sokka can’t find words to say. He just stares. Is... is Zuko gonna yell at him?

“Good job.” Zuko’s holding out his hand for Sokka to shake. Sokka does so, hesitantly.

“Uh... thanks.”

After a moment too long, they end the handshake. There’s a beat of awkward silence and Sokka’s heart is racing.

“Look,” Sokka begins. “About last night. I-”

“Don’t. Me first.” Zuko looks really uncomfortable, but he still keeps talking. “You were right.”

“Huh?”

“I like you. I have liked you, I mean. For a long time. Like, three years.”

Sokka’s dumbfounded. “I thought you hated me.”

Zuko sort of nervously admits that he’s not very good with people (and that he takes great enjoyment in riling people up). And he apologizes like:

“Sorry I was a dick. Me being a fucking gay idiot who can’t ask people out doesn’t excuse me being mean. So I’m sorry.”

Sokka’s sort of touched by all of this. Zuko apologized for being an ass and he has a crush on Sokka?

Sokka figures he should apologize too, since he was pretty much just as mean to Zuko as Zuko was to him. “I’m sorry, too.”

Eventually, the stilted conversation gets sort of quiet and even more awkward, and Sokka realizes he still hasn’t confessed. And, well, better late than never.

“I like you, too.”

“Huh?”

“I like you. As in. Like. I have a crush. On you. So there.”

Zuko has no idea how to react, but eventually a giant grin makes its way into his face and it looks beautiful in the firelight and he just sort of goes:

“Um... do you wanna get coffee or tea with me? Or something? Now?”

“You mean the shitty camp coffee and tea?” Sokka quips.

“Hot Cocoa it is.”

They walk up to the kitchen building and hang out at the counter and actually get to know each other for the first time in years. And Sokka thinks that becoming a cabin leader is the best decision he’s ever made.

(They may or may not have kissed sometime during the rest of their stay. A couple of times. A lot of times. Okay, they made out in the pantry a ton, but that’s nobody’s business but theirs.)

If anyone wants to write this, lemme know!! And again thank you Stupid Squad™ <3 @chaoticidiott @appa-bottom-jeans @soft-zuko you’re also Stupid Squad™ so this is your child as well now. Enjoy.

#atla #avatar the last airbender #zuko #sokka #zukka #avatar #atla headcanons #atla hc #atla hcs #zukka hc #zukka hcs #zukka headcanon #zukka headcanons #aang #suki #yue #mai #ty lee #zukka cabin leader au

[thran-duils]

Use All of Me (P.10)

Title: Use All Of Me (Part Ten) Summary: Fem!Reader x Dark Mob!Steve Rogers. The Avengers are heroes saving the world but in this AU, they are also permitted by the powers in charge to have less than favorable business underneath their guise of mere superheroes. Steve and Tony are at the helm, keeping their empire’s wealth in check, both devious and perilous if crossed. Steve takes a liking to the reader at a party and it may be her undoing to her autonomy choosing to go home with him. Words: 2,259 Warnings: Dark AF, angst, emotional/mental abuse, smut, breeding, death

Part Nine || Part Eleven || Masterpost (mobile) || Fanfic masterpost

“I gotta run,” Natasha informed Wanda quietly, pulling her aside.

“Is there a problem?” Wanda asked concerned.

“Not yet.”

“Okay?” Wanda said, cocking an eyebrow.

Natasha was not going to give her anything else at the moment before she talked to Steve. “It’s fine. Don’t let Y/N worry about me being gone. Help her enjoy the party.”

“Alright,” Wanda responded, and Natasha nodded, before turning on her heel and walking off quickly to make sure to be out of the house before Y/N and Natalie emerged from the bathroom.

On her way out the door to her car, Natasha texted Steve.

I’m on my way to Tony’s. Don’t leave until I get there.

Is there something wrong?

Not immediate. I’ll be there soon.

<> <> <>

Natalie pulled away from you after a while – she had to have let you cry for a good few minutes – and wiped at your tears. “Here,” she said gently, leaving you to go towards the linen cupboard. She pulled out a washcloth and grabbed a small handful of toilet paper too. You thanked her, sniffling, wiping at your tears before using the tissue to blow your nose. You were sure you looked cute with snot hanging out there.

“Look. What can you do? Realistically?” Natalie asked you quietly.

Your shoulders slumped and you whispered, “Nothing.”

“No, not nothing, Y/N. You can hold your chin up,” Natalie told you, her fingers pushing your chin up as she spoke. She paused before asking, “Are you willing to leave the babies behind?”

Chewing on your bottom lip, you pondered for a few seconds. You ended up shaking your head. “I… I thought so when this first all started out. But how can I leave two babies behind? They would financially be well taken care of, yes. But… I just can’t,” you said breathing shakily. “I don’t know if I could live with myself.”

“Well, I was only asking because I wondered if you did… if you thought Steve would leave you be. Even if you ran off.”

You shook your head again, giving a humorless laugh. “No, I don’t think Steve would leave me be. Bryce said he didn’t think Steve would kill me if I ran away. Which to me insinuates he would hurt or kill anyone else who tried to help me. I am hard pressed to believe that he wouldn’t want to kill me though. He’s not a man to wound, especially emotionally. Everyone talks to me like I’m… his property. That I’m carrying his property too.”

Solemnly, Natalie told you, “Some people treat others that way. That’s obsession, not love.”

“Or they’re all just misogynistic fucks. I mean… Pepper even told me that she dealt with it with Tony! He threatened to shoot me a couple weeks ago, by the way.”

“Excuse me?” Natalie demanded, staring at you in absolute shock.

There was a sharp knock at the door.

“Y/N?” Miriam called from outside the door. “Are you alright?”

“Yes. I’ll be out in a second,” you called back. To Natalie, you whispered, “Shit, we have been in for a long while.”

Natalie grasped your shoulders, “You go out there. I’m going to go upstairs and pack you a bag.”

“What?” you asked flabbergasted.

“You heard me. My cousin has a cabin in New Hampshire. I’m going to take you there and then we can figure out what we are going to do next.”

“I—” you tried to argue but Natalie shushed you.

“Go out there. Be with them.”

“Natalie, I can’t,” you hissed, thinking of Wanda and Natasha out in the living room. “You just told me I didn’t have a plan! Plus, Tony’s got technology everywhere and Steve won’t let me go. Did you miss me saying he would ki—”

“If we leave during this party while everyone is distracted, Y/N, they won’t know which direction we went.”

“Your license plate—”

Natalie covered your mouth and said, “We need to stop arguing about this and just do it. I’m not going to leave here without you. It has to be now.”

She stared deep into your eyes, challenging you to argue with her. You knew you were not going to be able to convince her to drop this idea, not with the fire burning in her eyes.

When she knew you were not going to say anything more, her hand fell. You swallowed thickly and turned to the mirror, wiping at your eyes one more time. “Good thing we already took pictures,” you muttered before going to the door and throwing it open.

Miriam’s brow creased seeing Natalie in there with you but you looped arms with her before she could say anything. “Sorry, I just needed to get some stress out. Poor Natalie had to endure that.” You threw a look over your shoulder at Natalie who was slow to leave the bathroom, mouthing her a thanks.

Your heart was pounding in anticipation.

<> <> <>

Natalie waited until Miriam and Y/N were out of sight before turning and going towards the entrance hall to the stairs leading upstairs. Quietly, she made her way up the stairs and searched around the second floor, looking for their bedroom.

There was a note on a door handle she passed by and she hesitated.

Don’t open until after you open your gifts. Love you, Steve.

Curiosity got the better of her and she opened the door, thinking it was possibly their bedroom and Steve had left her something on their bed. Behind the door though laid the nursery. She swallowed sharply seeing balloons attached to the crib, no doubt a gift Steve had left in surprise for Y/N. It was oak grey, matching the dresser.

Quickly closing the door, Natalie continued on, trying to not think about the cameras that she was more than likely being filmed on right now and what Y/N had warned her about Steve’s wrath. Getting her friend to safety was more important than worrying about the what-ifs.

<> <> <>

Finding Natasha gone quelled your nausea slightly but not entirely. One less Avenger on the premises was cause for you to be more hopeful about Nataile’s rash plan working. Especially since Bryce was in the theater room, engrossed in a Michael Bay-esque film.

You grasped Yua’s arm as the group merged towards the patio where the cake was waiting and another few yard games. You asked her quietly, “You came with Natalie, right?”

“Mhm,” Yua affirmed, holding your arm back.

“When you two leave, I am going with you.”

“What?”

“Not so loud,” you whispered to her. “You just… if you don’t want to get involved, then get a ride home with Miriam. Please.”

“’Involved’? Y/N, what is going on?” Yua asked, stopping you and making you face her.

You leaned in and whispered, “I’m leaving. Natalie is taking me. She’s packing me a bag – hopefully getting herself some clothes too.” You were being vague, worrying still about the security cameras. “There is a lot of risk. Now, think about it. I need to go cut my cake and act normal.”

Without another word, you left her there, moving towards the table where the rest of the ladies were gushing over how beautiful the cake was.

<> <> <>

Steve was on Natasha as soon as she pulled up and got out of the car.

“Can we go inside?” she asked, staring up at him.

It did not seem like he wanted to wait because he rolled his eyes but stepped back and she moved around him, him on her heels.

“What happened?” Steve demanded as he followed her through the front door.

“Where’s Tony?”

“Why am I being dragged into this?” Tony drawled as she walked in from the hallway. He was on the couch in front of the flatscreen, arms sprawled along the back of the couch.

“Because it’s your man too.”

Tony was interested suddenly, sitting up straighter. Steve stood off to the side of the couch, waiting impatiently for Natasha to get to the point.

She met his eyes and asked seriously, “Has Bryce talked to you? About Y/N asking him for help to leave?”

Steve’s face pinched. “No,” he said sharply. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh boy,” Tony breathed out, his voice barely above a whisper.

“I heard her. Talking to her friend, Natalie, in the bathroom. I was outside and doing some rounds to get some air. Thought it was a little weird they were both in the bathroom. So, I got near the bushes and heard them talking about it. Y/N was going on about how she feels trapped—” Steve’s jaw clenched at this, not going unnoticed by Natasha. But she kept speaking anyway. “And how she wants it to work with you but doesn’t think you’ll ever let her breathe and have her own space. Said she knows Natalie warned her about you, but you were too sweet, and she didn’t care about the warning.”

Steve scoffed, hands coming to his hips. He sucked at his teeth, shaking his head.

“So, what about Bryce?” Tony asked impatiently.

“She said she asked Bryce to help her leave Steve,” Natasha explained. “And he wouldn’t help her and made her promise she wouldn’t try to leave. But it sounded like she had another plan. Something about taking a train and stealing someone’s ticket at the station so she wouldn’t be on camera at the ticket counter – presumably so you wouldn’t know where she was going. She said something outlandish about living at a church and taking them up on hospitality and working for them to make up for it. Which, Natalie to her credit, told her that was a dumb plan. And Y/N agreed. But she wanted Natalie in the bathroom with her to use her phone, again presumably, so you couldn’t see the search in her phone.” Natasha caught Steve’s eyes again and told him firmly, “When you said she was rattled when this all first started, she hasn’t settled, Steve. She’s a mess of nerves. And she definitely sounds like she’s willing to be impulsive and reckless about it.”

It was silent in the room, Steve’s fingers digging into his hips. His jaw was clenched so tightly Natasha thought of him cracking his teeth.

“That little, conniving bitch!” Steve growled, his hands falling to his sides and he began storming towards the hallway.

Natasha stepped in his path and he stopped, rearing up to glower at her, his fists clenched at his sides.

“Move, Nat,” Steve warned her in a dangerous voice.

“I came here specifically to tell you so you would not lose your shit in the middle of a party,” Natasha told Steve firmly. “So, can you do me a favor and respect that? Cool out and think?”

“I don’t think this warrants me cooling off and giving Y/N any sense of calm,” Steve returned, his voice rising. “She was going to leave me and take my children away from me, Nat!”

Tony chimed in from behind Steve, “I think the problem here is Bryce not telling you,” Steve craned his head to look back at him. Tony looked right pissed off, rivaling Steve. “Woman is hormonal, standing on shaky ground emotionally. Bryce has his head on right – or at least we thought he did. Him agreeing to not help her is working in his favor but he shouldn’t keep that shit to himself. He should have told you the moment it happened. Just making her promise to not do something isn’t going to do shit, especially if she’s promising him. What is he to her? Her bodyguard? Whoopee fucking doo.” Tony shook his head. “No, that’s fucked up. He had a duty to tell you.”

Steve’s cell phone rang interrupting the conversation, and he swore under his breath, pulling it out of his back pocket. He furrowed down at it before answering tightly, “Wanda?”

Natasha took a step closer, trying to hear her on the other end of the phone. Steve’s face fell for a moment, like the air had gotten kicked out of him.

He recovered quickly, demanding furiously, “What the hell do you mean she’s not there?”

Tony was standing now, at attention. He was watching Steve nervously, thinking of a super soldier losing his shit and breaking shit in his house.

“How long?” Steve shouted, losing his temper. He shook his head furiously and snarled, “Twenty minutes doesn’t give them long to get anywhere. And why were you doing dishes? Where the hell was Bryce—never mind. You know what. Just stay there. Have Bryce and the security check the grounds again.”

He hung up, holding his cell in his hands tightly. Steve was trembling with rage, his hand threatening to crush his phone. Tony and Natasha were silent, waiting for him to react. He breathed in deeply, over exaggerated, turning on his heel to walk towards the counter. He placed his phone down, gingerly despite his anger. His hands planted, his fingertips digging into the counter like he wanted to tear chunks off.

“If she is not there…” he trailed off. Exhaling, he closed his eyes, trying to calm himself down. His hands came up behind his hand, trying to stop himself from breaking Tony’s countertop in half with his fist.

“The train stations,” Natasha suggested, keeping her voice steady.

A few more deep breaths and Steve had the calm about him to say, “Someone else needs to drive because I’ll probably rip that goddamn steering wheel off.”

~~~

Tags: @imsonick , @alexakeyloveloki, @kvzctam, @ironlady1993, @taintedgenre, @inlovewiththefictionalcharacters @roxyfan14-blog 

#steve rogers x reader #dark!steve rogers x reader #dark steve rogers #dark!steve rogers #marvel fic #dark marvel fic #my shit

[ceo-of-daichi]

Characters ~ Ukai Keishin x Fem!Reader, Sugawara Koushi x Fem!Reader

Summary ~ Just some fluffy headcanons about what these 2 would be like for your birthday :)

Genre ~ Fluff

Warnings ~ Swearing, Slightly Suggestive

Word Count ~ 1.5k

A/N ~ HAPPY BIRTHDAY @super-noya !! Hope you have the best day and enjoy these fluffy headcanons🥺

Ok so this man is not one for extravagant acts of love and affection like I feel Suga would be! 

He just wants you to have a good time and enjoy your special day because he really appreciates you

SO hear me out, I feel like he would go to your friends and start to organise a surprise party

Fully organising it for weeks before, he wants everything to be perfect

Why do I feel like he makes bunting for it, and banners? I feel like he is hands on, he wants you to know that you are loved by everyone and this is the perfect way

Gets to the point that you almost catch him making the banner and he legit has never moved so fast in his life, quickly spinning you round and walking you out the room.

‘Hey Keishin, what you want for…’ Before you could finish your sentence he had turned you around. ‘K-Keishin what the fuck are you doing?’ You asked as he pushed you down the hall away from his room. 

‘Oh i just.. Erm, I thought we could make dinner together? A real couple bonding experience you know?’ He smiles through his rapidly thought up plan.

‘But you're a shit cook,’ You state, raising a brow at him and laughing slightly.

You are so confused the whole time, he starts acting hella weird on occasions and honestly you have no idea why. He was suddenly trying to keep you busy a lot more than usual...was he cheating on you? Basically you start to worry

He sets up the school gym, hanging his homemade banners and bunting. The boys and your friends help him (you don’t go to Karasuno because that would be pedophilia HOWEVER you know the boys through Ukai and therefore the gym is the perfect place)

ALSO lots of balloons that Hinata and Kags spent the whole day blowing up, Tsukki kept laughing at Hinata because he could NOT tie a balloon. This meant Tsukki now got left to tie all Hinata's balloons.

You get slightly worried because all you received from your boyfriend was a simple text in the morning saying ‘Happy birthday love! Hope you have a good day.’ 

You also received a text from your friends that said ‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Be ready for 7pm we are taking you out!’ 

Ngl low key sad that you weren’t going to see your boyfriend that day! SIKE.

Your friends pick you up for 7 and they walk you to the gym, because you don’t live far away. 

Confused af because… WHY are you at the school gym, when you left highschool like 3 years ago.

Open the double doors to reveal all your friends, the volleyball team and Ukai.

Honestly almost had a heart attack, but you quickly hugged your friends before running over to Keishin and giving him a BIGGG hug and a lil kiss

You had a bomb ass time, they all got you little gifts which were super cute! 

Keishin definitely is someone I feel goes above and beyond for gifts like, something you really need, or something hella practical you didn’t know you needed.

Like… a chainsaw or something you get my point

So you are really grateful for what he gets you and from that you can tell he really cares and pays attention

At the end of the night you thank your friends because you have had an amazing time but they are like… it was mainly Ukai

This kinda shocks you

So you thank him! And also I feel like he would really say happy birthday with soft sex after :3

‘It was really Keishin that organised all this?’ You questioned, unsure why he hadn’t said anything. He was letting other people take the credit for something he worked really hard on, sounds like him.

‘Yeah, he roped us in but he worked on all the decorations and cake.’ Your friend says as she picks up her bag to go. Waving her off you go to confront your boyfriend. Sauntering up to him with your arms crossed over your chest and a brow raised, you began to speak.

‘So… this was all you huh? How come you didn’t say anything honey?’ You gave him a playful glare.

He chuckled and moved closer to you, ‘Mainly because i didn’t want you to call me that…’ you saw the blush appear on his ears as he stood inches away. 

‘I thought you loved that nickname babycakes’ You teased, wrapping your arms around his neck. You knew he hated pet names; this was the perfect revenge for letting everyone else take credit for his work.

‘You know I hate your pet names love…’ He whispered before catching your lips with his, hooking his hands under your thighs and hoisting you up. You wrap your legs around his waist as you melt into the kiss.

‘Happy birthday [y/n]…’ He said after pulling away from your lips to start roughly kissing your neck. You had a feeling this is where your actual birthday gift was about to be given.

I feel like Suga is hella big on birthdays, like he wants to make it the best day for you (as you deserve)

So he probably starts off waking you up early with a balloon in his hand, softly singing happy birthday (even if he doesn’t live with you he will find a way into your apartment or house)

Soft kisses all over your face when you awake, whispering how he has the whole day planned for the both of you

Suggests you wear something summery before leaving you to change

He is DEFINITELY someone who has pre prepared your favourite breakfast so when you come out your room all you can smell is food.

After yall have eaten breakfast and chatted for a bit allowing you to wake up, he leads you to your car, not letting you know where he is taking you

KING of being cute af on the drive, either holding your hand or thigh

Why can i see this man taking you to a little seaside town, letting you go into all the amusement arcades and paying for all your games so you can try win an awesome prize

Won’t leave till he has like thousands of tickets bet

HE IS DEFO SOMEONE WHO SPENDS AN HOUR TRYING TO WIN YOU SOMETHING FROM THE CLAW MACHINE LIKE I DON’T TAKE CRITICISM

After yall are done with the arcades ( i also feel like he would wanna play mini-golf?) he takes you to a really cute restaurant on the beachfront

Definitely told them it was your birthday when he booked so they would sing you a song or something like they do in TGI Fridays i love the balloon crowns ok

He requested when he booked that you got a table next to the windows that look out onto the sea because he knows you love to watch the ocean

 But he also pays for the food, even if you insist you should split it (it's your birthday... he ain’t letting you pay for shit)

After you both have had food, he takes you for a walk along the pier (boardwalk) and onto the beach

You both just chat nonchalantly and bask in each others presence, allowing the sea breeze to wash over you

Before you leave he takes for ice cream and you both sit on a bench on the pier looking out

Probably lean your head on his shoulder and be all cute

Then he drives you back home… WRONG he takes you to a cute location and you star gaze

Safe to say its the best birthday you have had in a while

‘Koushi, where are you taking me? I thought we were heading home?’ You question, gazing out at the field where he had parked his car.

‘You really thought your day ended with ice cream huh?’ He chuckles as he got out of the car, running round the side and letting you out. Confused you let him lead you, eventually you got to the top of a small hill that looked over a lake. Sitting down on the grass looking out on the view, you couldn’t help but think about what an amazing day you were having. All thanks to your boyfriend.

The lake was surrounded by greenery, not a house or big road in sight. Your eyes immediately focused on the small forest off to the left of the lake, the trees gently swaying in the wind. You loved trees, and wondered what type of habitats would be hiding inside. It truly was a beautiful place. Especially the stars, the way they twinkled a light gold against the contrasting night sky. You found yourself sighing deeply as you let your thoughts be taken over by nature. As you were lost in thought a soft pair of eyes landed on you, not being able to look away at how engrossed you were with the surrounding scenery.

‘Wow this is beautiful…’ Noticing how the sky wasn’t polluted by light and how clearly you could gaze off into the sky.

‘Yeah… my favourite view’ He wasn’t looking at the sky though… his eyes locked on your figure once again as you gazed off into the sky. Being with you was his favourite place to be.

Tags: @stcrryskies​ @iwaxme​ @bb-noya​ @vventure​ @scorpiosanssexy​ @sugawarasimp​ @watermelonsugawara​ @kageyamathegrump​

#HAPPY BIRTHDAY KRISTEN #BABIEEEE #MOOTS #I LOVE YOU #Suga x reader #sugawara x reader #keishin x reader #ukai jr x reader #ukai x reader #hq ukai #hq suga #hq sugawara #hq #haikyuu #haikyu!! #hq x reader #haikyuu x reader #suga fluf #keishin fluff #ukai fluff #sugawara fanfic #keishin fanfic #ukai fanfic

[nicistrying]

Alright I feel the need to post this because I can't possibly be the only one. My New Year so far has sucked! I've been on a chocolate eating binge all afternoon - I've had a row of peanut butter chocolate, a Bueno, 2 little mini Cadbury's bars, a chocolate hazelnut truffle, biscuits and chocolate buttons. Because I thought our boiler was broken when I got back to the flat and I was stressed af. And before that, I was feeling really down this morning and yesterday bc as I think I've mentioned before, this year was the first New Year my household have ever - and I do mean EVER - spent together. When my sister and I were younger we would stay with Nanna Ann while our parents went out and got hammered and we wouldn't go home until at least the evening on New Year's Day. Bearing in mind that NYD is my dad's birthday, and we have never spent it with him because he and my stepmam would rather be at the pub all day. Which made it really hard to be all nice and festive for his birthday when we would finally get a taxi home after they got back from the pub. And then when we got a bit older, I started going to Matthew's and spending NYE with him and his family, and my sister would go to sleepovers at her friends' houses. And we'd both get a drunken phone call at midnight and have to politely say Happy New Year and then hang up. Same thing on New Year's day, if we went home early our parents were hungover af in the morning, and then straight back out to the pub. Last year they weren't even answering their phones all day so Matthew's parents ended up very kindly bringing my sister with us on a walk and making us all a lovely dinner after, just so we wouldn't be sat at home on our own all day.

And then this year comes around and we'd all already spent Christmas together and everything is just kind of weird and we're all just sitting around the house not really doing anything and my sister is spending all her time in her room on the phone to her friends, I'm curled up in the corner reading bc I've run out of energy to try to force them all to watch a film or anything bc whenever I suggest opening Netflix, my parents get all ratty about it and insist that 'there's nothing on there'. And they continue to watch repeats of the same shitty shows they always watch and complain that all there is on TV is repeats. Anyway we all gather in the sitting room around 11.45pm and ring in the new year, my stepmam starts crying and being melodramatic, so we all go to bed. But New Year's day in particular just sucked ass. I kept offering things I could cook for my dad as a birthday dinner and he just wouldn't give me anything to work with, was totally unenthusiastic, and just didn't seem like he cared. So I gave up and let them order a takeaway like they do every other night. During the day whenever anyone would call him to with him a happy new year and happy birthday, he just kept saying how "soul destroying" it was not being able to be at the pub. And I know he didn't mean that it was soul destroying to have his kids around but I was really quite hurt by it. Whenever we were alone he didn't really speak to me even when I tried to force a conversation out of him, and today we were all just sat on the couch watching TV not speaking to each other all morning. It sucked. Even more so bc he was hospitalised for a severe anaphalactic shock on Dec 23rd. He has them very sporadically (4 in 5 years I think?) and the doctors can't work out what causes them. So I was trying to show I care about him and love him very much and he was just giving me nothing back as usual.

So I couldn't wait to get back to my flat today but when I got here the boiler was playing up and instead of working out as planned and which I was looking forward to, I went on a sugar binge. Which is where I'm at right now. I feel better for splurging this out here and I'll probably go and at least do some yoga to get some blood flowing but damn. This year is off to a really shitty start and I felt so guilty while eating all that chocolate, worrying so much that it was making me fat, I'm going to regain all the weight I lost 6 years ago, I'll be fat forever bc I won't be able to lose it again, bla bla bla the usual shit that gets drummed into you especially at this time of year. But fuck it! I comfort ate a bit! The world isn't going to fall down around me. I'm not going to suddenly balloon to my previous weight overnight. I'm going to accept that I ate some yummy treats, I'm going to stay the fuck away from social media probably for the next few weeks (except tumblr bc this is the one site I don't actually feel seriously stressed about opening) because I just don't need to see all the 'new year new you don't you dare eat anything unhealthy or you will be Bad and Fat and a Failure' bullshit. I'm trying really hard not to compare myself to all the lovely wonderful people on here who are continuing to work hard and eat well and get outside and exercise daily. You're all amazing and I'm so happy for you! But if anyone else is feeling like a failure because things aren't magically perfect in these first few days of 2021, you're not alone! Take your time and try again each day to take a small step in the direction you want to go. For me, this will be forcing myself to get moving tomorrow. I'm so sick of being sat on my bum all day every day and I'm craving activity and endorphins but also struggling to find the motivation to start. And that's okay. Which is what I need to keep reminding myself!

#this has been a psa #rant #personal #binge eating #stress eating #family #mental health #new year #be kind to yourself #fitblr #healthblr

[omgthatdress]

How to make Cats a good movie.

I watched Cats, and once I got over the initial horror, I was actually pretty entertained and found myself enjoying the shit out of it. Like god bless it, for as nightmare-inducing as much as it was, Tom Hooper was clearly *committed* to his vision and you gotta give him credit for that. The scenery was actually really beautiful and the cinematography was frequently breathtaking. Like it really did have a lot of elements that really worked for it. But for every bit of genius, there was something terrible that the movie just couldn’t overcome. So let’s dive in.

First of all, you kind of have to understand Cats: the musical. It’s an adaptation of poems that T.S. Elliott of nihilistic lost generation fame wrote for his godchildren about cats. And the poetry is charming af and totally captures the nature of cats and why they’re so lovable. In the in the 1970s, Andrew Lloyd Webber did a shit ton of cocaine and decided to make a musical out of these poems. As a result, Cats has no plot. It’s a bunch of cats singing their songs about who they are and doing a lot of dancing. The thinnest of narrative devices is created with the “jellicle” ball and the deciding of which cat gets to ascend to heaven or some shit. So yeah. Cats is actually pretty controversial among theater nerds, it’s very much a you either love it or hate it thing. Is it stupid? Yes.  Is it going to make everyone happy? No. Does it lend itself well to film adaptation? fuck no. I get the feeling that Tom Hooper was really going for deep, meaningful poetic cinema here and trying to make another Les Mis (which was way overly long and ultimately sank under its own sheer weight as a movie and probably is better viewed as a play). I’m operating under the assumption that Hooper was going for ground-breaking cinema that would have made millions and swept up during awards season and cemented him as a legendary director and gone down in movie history, because every little detail of Cats is clearly meant for maximum impact. You kind of need to drop all expectations going into Cats, so once you’re there, you can have fun with it. So how do you make it a good film?

1. The HORRIBLE hyper-realistic cgi human-cat hybrids. YES, it’s a technical marvel, and the CGI artists who made it all deserve a ton of credit for the work they did. And I understand why the actors were kept in their human shapes: live dance is a huge part of what makes Cats work. One of the smart decisions made was hiring theater veterans for the filler roles in the cat chorus, so when you have the choreographed numbers, it’s really spectacular. It’s just the end result was way too uncanny valley and bizarre for any of the film’s good parts to ever rise above it. I think a minimalist approach would have actually worked best. Cat ears and simple costumes with clean lines that show off the dancer’s bodies. Go for the suggestion of cats, and kind of let the viewer’s imagination take over, and showcase the cat’s personality. A huge part of what I enjoyed was hearing the poetry and imagining these cats and how they all relate to cats I’ve known. The dance and the music helped heighten this experience, but hybrids kept reminding me of the joke: what do you get when you cross a human and a cat? An immediate cessation of funding and a stern rebuke from the ethics committee.

2. The schlocky, honestly amateurish attempts at slapstick humor. I’m gonna come out and say it and say that Hooper is pretty deeply entrenched in *dRaMa* and has no sense of how comedy works. There was a lot of added in comedic bits from Rebel Wilson and James Corden, and it was honestly terrible. I mean really, a crotch hit? That kind of lowbrow comedy is so crude and base that it’s actually really hard to pull it off well. Slapstick comedy actually lends itself to the whimsical tone, and slapstick done well can be utterly sublime, but Cats seemed satisfied that fat people falling over is the height of comedy and should be left at that. And a second note on the comedy? Weirdly fat-shame-y. A saw a post about how odd it is to see James Corden, who has been very frank about how he’s struggled with dieting and come to accept that his body is fat and can’t be made not fat, playing this role where fat is added to his body, his CGI vest strains at the buttons, and he’s literally stuffing his face with garbage. The theme of fat people as lazy, stupid, and slovenly carried over from Rebel Wilson’s role, in which she also plays a fat lazy cat who is leaned on heavily for comic relief. I know the role is about a fat cat, and gently laughing at a fat lazy cat who loves to eat is fine, but, speaking as a fat person myself, this felt like a gleeful exploitation of a nasty and cruel stereotype. James Corden and Rebel Wilson are both extraordinarily funny people who happen to be fat, and their comedic gifts were tremendously mis-used here, reducing them to simply two fat bodies to be laughed at.

3. Jennifer Hudson. She’s a talented actress who can sing and emote like a motherfucker. And emote she did. She was clearly GOING for that second Oscar. I really don’t want to call her performance bad. The same level of emotion, tears running and snot flowing, in another movie, would have been devastating (Hello, Viola Davis in Fences). But this isn’t Fences, it’s fucking Cats. You need a level of character depth and development that Cats doesn’t afford to make those tears hit. All the crying and misery was an odd maudlin and over-dramatic break in the fun and whimsy. With a subtler performance and a hint of self-awareness, it could have actually brought in an emotional anchor for this light-as-air film, but Cats doesn’t make any attempt at nuance, and as a result the scenes just hit you out of nowhere like a load of bricks. 

4. Francesca Hayward. Okay, before we go anywhere, I want to say that this girl is not un-talented. She’s the principal ballerina of the Royal Ballet, and has a very long list of ballets that she’s lead in. So it makes sense that she’d be hired for a role that’s primarily ballet. This girl is a really really great DANCER. But Cats was clearly trying to make an A-list actress out of her. They tried to make her into Florence Pugh, who has been acting for a while and is blowing up right now because she’s very talented. Like everything about Francesca’s role in the film said “This is a star-making role.” A new song was written just for her to sing as an addendum to Cats’s show-stopping signature song. But the song was just okay, it didn’t carry nearly the emotional weight or all-around beauty of “Memories,” and all in all felt wedged-in and totally unnecessary and really just felt like a grab at that “best original song” Oscar. Francesca’s voice is high, thin, and child-like. It’s not unpleasant, but next to the richness and depth of Jennifer Hudson’s voice, it crumbles, and it’s not the sort of voice that I want to seek out to listen to over and over again. As for her overall performance, she largely keeps the same look of wide-eyed wonder throughout her numerous close-ups, so much so that I found myself thinking of the the MST3K “dull surprise” sketch. But I don’t know if that’s really entirely her fault. There was an attempted romantic storyline with the magic cat, but again, because of the nature of Cats and its lack of real character development or depth, the chemistry fell flat. There really isn’t much of a chance to show off a lot of dramatic range, so to keep going back to her character, it kept reinforcing the one-notedness of her performance. Really, I just kept wanting to see Francesca dance. Ironically, I think they really blew an opportunity trying to make an A-list actress out of her. All she really need to make people want to see more of her is one spectacular dance number, but for some reason, she never really gets that show-stopping moment. 

5. Dignity? I guess this goes back to the whole CGI cat thing, but there were a lot of moments when I felt this tremendous wave of second-hand embarrassment hit me on behalf of the talented actors in this film. Watching Gandalf lap up milk from a saucer was a wholly uncomfortable experience, like come on, grant the great Ian McKellan some fucking DIGNITY here. Which goes back to whatI said earlier that a suggestion and interpretation of cats would have worked better than all-out just being a cat. Or it could again just be how much Cats just fails its attempts at comedy. But then again there was no fucking reason at all for Idris Elba to be that fucking NAKED. I guess they were trying to make him sexy? But his sexy smolder and just being Idris Elba wasn’t enough they had to make sure that we all saw his chiseled pecs and thick thighs. And then at the end when he’s dangling off of the rope of a hot air balloon and what’s supposed to be a funny scene, I think, I kept thinking “I’m so sorry this is happening to you, Idris.” 

There’s a bunch of other small, nit-picky things that I could go into. Those cockroaches would have worked so much better if they weren’t humans with an extra set of arms. Watching them get eaten was some horror movie shit. Taylor Swift’s Macavity song would have worked a lot better if the cat chorus full of cats we’ve gotten to know had sung it, but instead Taylor Swift is brought in as a new cat we don’t know whose only purpose is to sing the Macavity song? but of course a big oscar-bait movie needs to have that pop star that draws in the people who wouldn’t otherwise see it and making her a part of the cat chorus would have had her performing throughout the whole movie and she would have floundered the way pop stars tend to do when performing musical theater around a bunch of musical theater actors. So I guess I get why she was thrown in.

So.... yeah? Is there anyone else who found themselves enjoying it in spite of everything? I’m glad I have dogs and didn’t have to watch this mess with actual cats around me.

#Cats 2019 #Cats

[dumbhoetarot]

HI, How are you? 👋 *sends love *

Can I know what you sense for me in the near future about love? (I'm single and sooo ready for love lmao)

Also the last reading you gave u said I'd be leveling up energetically and I think I just tapped into that energy. You were correct 💜💜

MS♐

Good💗!! Yea you might have someone coming in, someone who is very “light” and “feathery” if that makes sense, kinda like a helium balloon energy😂, you can’t tie this person down. I sense blonde hair or could just be lighter hair. They will probably be a serious commitment rather than a simple fling, just don’t push this person, let them come to their own conclusions about y’all’s connection because they don’t like being rushed. They’re like “if I wanna jump bare ass naked, belly flop hard af into it, I will, not because our told me so” that kind of energy. They are cute and a bit shy but funny. They’re also polite and know their manners👏. That’s great to hear dude, keep leveling the fuck up😚🤑!!

[zankivich]

Neighbors: Shawn x Plus Size Reader Chapter 10

a/n: don’t get mad at me. She’s long af. but this was incredibly important for me to write and I wanted to do it justice, and that meant take the time to let this character feel and allow the space to feel pain and to feel defeated. I wanted to show that even the most confident of people can and do struggle under scutiny and that being a confident fat woman isn’t any different. Shit’s hard ya know? Idk I love this a lot. so I hope you love it too? K bye.

*y/n’s pov*

“I don’t know. I don’t like it. I don’t like the lace, I don’t like the length, I don’t like the belt; I don't like anything about it.” You huffed.

Stu nodded. “Baby girl we’ve been at this for hours though. I once saw your boyfriend suck your face because you yawned too cute. I don’t think the dress is going to matter.”

“Ugh, men. You could not be more wrong right now. The dress means everything Stu!”

New Year’s is quite the ordeal. Instead of having it at the apartment it gets switched to a bigger venue in toronto. All of a sudden it’s a lot of industry people and all of Shawn’s family and friends. And it’s beautiful and wonderful, but you can’t help but notice that your part of the guest list is significantly smaller. You invite some friends from the office, and Stu and Bryan of course. At the time, when Shawn had asked, You had said yes with no hesitation, but it hadn’t occurred to you that things were a little more complicated than that. This was the official presentation of you as a couple. Shawn’s performance though pre-recorded, meant buzz, meant there were gonna be a lot of people just looking in your direction all night.

No one still really knew who you were. You and Shawn had never been seen together outside of Toronto and besides the occasional grainy selfie, you were still very much a concept more than a person for a lot of people. The world knew Shawn Mendes was dating someone, they didn’t know that someone was you, and you knew in your heart that this night was going to change all of that.

“You know people are gonna be confused.” You sighed plopping down beside your best friend on one of the couches outside the dressing room.

“Confused about what?”

“Confused about why American Canadian sweetheart Shawn Mendes is dating some fat marketing exec with a baking problem.” You mumbled picking at the material of dress number fifteen.

He sighed. “Is that all you are? Do you think that’s all that matters?”

You groaned in frustration. The problem with being a confident fat woman is they want you to always be a confident fat woman. Even if that’s an expectation that they never have of anyone else. You gotta be a hundred percent always. You were flawed in more ways than one.

“No. Of course not. And I don’t...I don’t care what the world fucking thinks of me. I just want him to be happy and I don’t wanna make his life more difficult. And yea maybe I don’t wanna see the internet rip me to fucking shreds. We know more than anyone how ruthless people can be, Stu.”

“Yea, I know.” He murmured leaning his head against yours. “If the dress needs to matter today, then we can let it matter okay? I just want you to be happy, kiddo.”

“Thank you….. Thank you.”

You go to a different store in between a mini crying session in the dressing room, and shared pretzel bites. There’s a dress that’s all sheer and sparkly rhinestones. It’s black and it’s seethrough and the neckline comes up around the neck almost like a choker. It’s much more adventurous and risque than you feel in that moment so there’s a big hope that it’ll somehow just work itself out.

Back in your apartment however, Shawn sat perched up on your couch playing guitar without a care in the world. You definitely spent more time in Shawn’s apartment, but something about seeing him in your space always made you feel warm inside. And when he put his guitar to the side and pulled you to straddle his lap instead, you simply melted before him. Ugh.

“How was shopping?” He murmured lips pressing staccato, gentle kisses to your neck and shoulder.

You snorted. “I’d say it was the worst experience ever, but every time I go shopping is the worst experience ever so.”

“What happened?”

“It’s nothing. Store’s just aren’t really designed for me. I usually shop online but I wanted this to be special. My mistake.”

He frowned, fingers kneading softly into your back, over your ass, and down to your thighs. God was he annoying and perfect.

“I’m so sorry. Do you want me to make you a new store?” He asked. “Cause I would.”

You grinned reaching to cradle his face in your palms.

“You do a really good job of making me feel like my worries are really dumb. Have I ever told you that?”

“You haven’t. But you also don’t tell me your worries very often. You wanna talk about it?”

You shrugged your shoulders softly, lips jutting out stubborn as you imagined a child probably would.

“Mmm.” You mumbled.

“Mmm?” He smirked mimicking you. “Please? I just wanna help.”

“You didn’t tell them.” You admitted softly.

“Tell who, what?”

“You never told the world that I’m big. And tonight everyone’s gonna know.” You sighed.  “And I don’t care. At least I’m trying not to but I just...they’re not gonna think I’m good enough. I know they aren’t. And they’re gonna be confused and probably disappointed. And I’m just...I don’t know. I don’t know what I am. I’m sorry.”

“Hey,” He breathed tugging your chin down so that your eyes met. “It’s okay. You never have to apologize to me about how you’re feeling.I didn’t think about how public tonight would be. I’m sorry for that. I just want you to be with me, because I love you, and I wouldn’t want to have this night without you. If you don’t feel comfortable going, we don’t have to go.”

You snorted. “Shawn, it’s your party.”

“It’s our party, first of all. And second of all everyone’s showing up for the booze and the food anyway, I doubt they’d notice our absence. I’ll do whatever makes you happy. I told you I don’t want my life to be a burden on yours, y/n.”

“You’re not a burden to me, ever.” You promised. “I’m not skipping either. I don’t let shit like this get to me. I guess it was just on my mind. And I couldn’t help it.”  

His arms snaked around your waist, chin coming to prop on your shoulder. He looked at you with kind and gentle eyes, your heart soaring at the sight. Rude.

“It’s okay. I always want you to tell me what’s on your mind. You know that right?”

You nodded softly nuzzling  your nose against his.

“Can I see your dress though? I wanna know how pretty my baby’s gonna look tonight.”

It gets your mind off of the negative, which was almost definitely his aim.. And instead of going back to playing guitar he wrestles you down to the couch in favor of playing you like his favorite instrument instead. And when his head falls between your thighs, he spends extra time loving the very parts of you you’d found problem with an hour ago. His hands traced lovingly at your stomach, thumbs touching stretch marks, molding to the curve of your skin. Shawn didn’t make you feel beautiful. Instead he seemed to hold a mirror to your very core and ask you to see yourself as you were, as he saw you. He showed you a beauty that had always been there, and only made it more special because you knew he was always willing to help you remember when you forgot. That meant everything to you.

“Can’t wait to kiss you at midnight.” He murmured hands skipping along the waist of your dress. “I’m gonna be the luckiest guy in the room tonight.”

You were standing in front of the mirror back pressed firmly to his chest and you smiled at his reflection.

“You’re too good to me. I don’t deserve it.”

“On the contrary, I think you deserve the world.”

At the door Shawn helps you into the beautiful, sleek trench coach that he got you for Christmas. You help him into the similarly beautiful burberry wool trench coat you got him. You like to think that the two of you look very mature and badass standing side by side. It’s a nice thought.

The venue is full of black and gold balloons. Cheap, cheesy decorations cover every inch of the bar and dance floor. The room is already full of classic New Years energy and there’s barely anyone there yet besides the people still setting up and Shawn's family who somehow made it before even you.

“Babe come see the photo booth!” Shawn murmured excitedly tugging at your fingers until you stumbled towards the booth.

He plopped you onto his lap and quickly smothered your lips in a kiss to stemi any protest you surely would have given him. His hands grabbed at your thighs and he nuzzled your head softly towards the camera.

“Don’t argue with me honey, just take a picture with me.”  He hummed.

Rude.

Suddenly there’s more people there than you think you’ve ever met in your life. Shawn is like the popular guy at school, which is genuinely comical because he’s the dorkiest man you’ve ever met, but everyone wants a piece of him. He spends an hour taking pictures with people you’ve never seen before. Some of them seem like good friends if the way he hugs them and laughs with them is anything to go off of. Women in scantily clad outfits grip him a tiny bit longer than necessary, or smile in a way that seems to push their bodies closer towards his. You don’t find yourself nearly as jealous as you did at the bar on halloween. Something about knowing you’re together and knowing where you both stand allows you to be a little bit more of a grownup. He loves you and you know that and so there isn’t any reason to be jealous. Especially not when he’s drunk and soft and affectionate and all of that gets directly thrown at you and no one else.

You were standing at the bar nursing this very delightful long island when a hundred and sixty pounds of Canadian attached itself to your back.

“Babe!” Shawn snickered directly into your ear. “Baby, I missed you so much.”

Stu had a very amused expression on his face that was full of sass and was very annoying.

“I just saw you thirty minutes ago. What the hell did you drink since then?”

“Brian wanted to do a round of shots. I did three.” He giggled.

Jesus.

“Wonderful. Remind me to get Brian to carry you to bed later.”

“I’d much rather you carry me to bed. But that’s beyond the point. I’m ready to dance with you now.”

This gave you pause. You turned to your boyfriend, tugging his arms from around your neck and took his face carefully in your hands.

“This is important, Shawn. Listen to me. You may have been roofied.”

He snorted. “I wasn’t roofied. I just...I know tonight means a lot to you, and I know it’s scary being here with all these people and I wanna--I wanna even the playing field. I wanna dance with you.”

It is maybe the sweetest thing that anyone has ever offered you in your life. So much so that you’re sort of at a lost for words. You’d never really thought about dancing with Shawn. It wasn’t something he was interested in and that was okay. Stu was a total slut on the dance floor and dancing the night away with him was often the best nights of your life. But, here he was, this annoyingly perfect man offering to do what you wanted to do for literally no other reason in the world than to make you happy?

“What factory did they make you in?” You mumbled fingers reaching up to skim his chin.

He only smiled wider. “Maybe I was made just for you. Now come show me how to dance.”

He stumbles on the edge of the last step to the dance floor and it occurs to you that perhaps there’s a reason Shawn doesn’t dance. And maybe even on top of that, adding alcohol is not going to make things go any better . . .

You’re right. Holy shit he was awful. Some people dance like they have two left feet. Shawn on the other hand was dancing like he had a third foot that had somehow got added. But he’s drunk and he’s happy and he’s just trying to make you smile so literally none of it matters. Because when he notices that a six foot tall man doing the cabbage patch dance bring tears of joy to your eyes, he only does it longer. Because it makes you happy. Because he makes you happy. And he’s not thinking about all the people in the room or what they might think of him because this, this thing that’s happening right now is just between the two of you. And that feels really fucking special.

“Hey!” You shout over the music pulling him into your arms to stop the dancing. “I love you.”

“I love you too!” He beamed. “Only wanna make you happy.”

He’s sweaty and his curls are flopped in his eyes and his cheeks are so red and so soft and you’re so gone on him. How are you this gone on him?

“You do.” You assure him putting your head playfully against his. “Jesus, you do.”

“Will you do something that’ll make me happy?”

He eyed your mouth and without even mentally registered you worked to wet your lips.

“Of course.”

“Will you come drink with me? Need you to get on my level right now.”

Your hands mapped playfully at his broad chest as he seemed to rock you both back and forth on the dance floor as opposed to any sort of synchronized movement.

“How come?”

“Because I wanna have fun tonight. I want to have fun with you tonight. Please?”

Well when you put it like that?

“Tequila?” You grinned.

“Tequilla!”

What’s the worst that can happen?

*Three hours later*

“MY LONELINESS IS KILLING ME--”

“AND I!”

“I MUST CONFESS I STILL BELIEVE--”

“STILL BELIEVE!”

“WHEN YOU’RE NOT WITH MY I LOSE MY MIND”

“GIVE ME A SIIIIIIIIIIIIIGN! HIT ME BABY ONE MORE TIME!”

You slapped your boyfriend’s ass in front of his entire family and all of his friends. His very rich, powerful friends.  Your boyfriend also very much bent over to receive the slap that you were administering. Tequila, friends.

“Babe, hear me out… I think we should go on tour together! We sound incredible.”

“Holy shit you’re right!”

You both bust out laughing because it’s clear that you sounded absolutely terrible. But, you’re drunk and happy and in love, so who gives a fuck? After karaoke time, you wind up back on the dance floor. Shawn is completely in his element, the big, goofy man you’d fallen for, and it’s so much fun. You’re not thinking about any one around you. Not the beautiful women, or the music executives, or the snapchat stories. It’s just the two of you, and some friends, and music. The way it should be.

It’s barely eleven o’clock when you’re both collapsed in one of the booths back away from all the commotion. Tequila really was a hell of a liquid, and probably should be kept far far away from people. It really made you do ridiculous things. Like straddle, your more than happy boyfriend in the middle of a public ass party. He grinned dopely at you and held you against him, his large hands grabbing wonderfully at your ass. What a shit show.

“Hey,” He sighed head flopping against your shoulder. “Thank you so much for coming with me tonight. I’m having so much fun.”

You giggled and kissed his forehead.

“Yea?”

“Yea….Look I--I always care what people think about me, and I always worry about everything around me but...when I’m with you I don’t care about any of that. So, I don’t care if I look dumb, just as long as I’m with you.”

“Well you don’t look dumb. You look happy. It’s a really good look for you. I just want you to be happy.”

“Then stay with me.” He mumbled pulling you even closer. “Stay.”

“Mkay.”

It wasn’t midnight yet, but you and Shawn worked on some fireworks of your own. It felt right to sit there, plum on his lap with his hands drawing circles into your back, or holding your face preciously in his hands to kiss you better. It felt less sloppily dunk, and more loving, more passionate. Like just being together was nourishing for the both of you. Like there was no reason to be partying when you could just be together instead.

When the clock strikes midnight you’re actually just tucked away in a corner, completely wrapped up in one another. If it’s any indication of how the new year will be, you can’t help but think maybe things will be alright after all.

*Shawn’s point of view*

The first day of the new year finds her in his bed and it’s everything he’s ever wanted. They’re less hungover than the first night they met, no vomiting to be had, so he can’t help but plaster himself against her body. She’s still naked from when they’d stumbled inside, drunk and hungry for each other. There’s a bloom of blues and purples on the side of her left breast and down the side of her stomach where he’d hadn’t been able to get enough. His mouth touches lightly at the skin watching her slowly wake up for him.

She hummed softly legs falling open for him to slide between. The skin of her stomach and thighs is so soft and smooth, his spine straightens when he slides against her.  She’s just staring at him with sleep and lust filled eyes. How is he already hard?

“Morning.” She whispered a smile touching her face.

“Happy new year.”

Her fingers grace his hip before wrapping firmly around his hard on, and it feels just as good as it always does.

“Hmmm, again?”

“Sorry.” He whined hips bucking into her hand. “I just can’t get enough of you. I’m not usually like this, I swear.”

“Are you apologizing for wanting to have sex with me?”

“No? Yes? Maybe? I cannot think straight when my dick is in your hand, woman.”

“Yea? Would putting it in my mouth help at all?”

“I don’t know, but I think we should definitely give it a try!”

She gives him head in a way he’s never had before. For something she claims not to love, it is truly magical the way she moves her lips. Her mouth is warm and wet and she sucks him firm and sloppy. And every now and again, she’ll touch a spot right beneath his balls that without fail always makes him nearly blow his load. It’s so rude. And so fucking good.

When she slides off with a squelching plop and peers up at him with spit glistened lips, his brain completely melts.

“I’m wet as hell right now. Get in me.”

He nearly tumbles out of the bed reaching for the condoms in the bedside table. It would’ve been almost embarrassing if not for the immediate dread that descends upon him when there is nothing in his bed side table but an empty box. Fuckin tequlia.

“Goddammit!”

Her legs came up to wrap around his hips and her tongue is tracing his nipple like she’s painting a fucking work of art and WHY ARE THERE NO CONDOMS?

“What’s wrong baby?

He groaned tossing the box to the other side of the bed and gripping firm at one of her thighs around him.

“We’re out of condoms.”

She sucks a mark into his left pec, teeth grazing his nipple again, as if he did not just tell her the worst news in the whole wide world.

“Baby, did you hear me?”

“Mhm. Let’s just do it without one.”

His eyes widened quickly leaning his body above her to see her face better.

She giggled. “I love it when you plank on top of me.”

“I’m sorry, did you just suggest we have sex without a condom? You? The sex health queen? You once yelled about contraception to a bunch of random people in the club.”

“Trust me they needed it. And whenever I’m with new partners I always use condoms. Always. However, I’m on the pill too, and at this point I think I know you don’t have anything, so...why not?”

“I...I’ve never done it without one before.”

“I hear it’s pretty great. But we might not ever know as my vagina gets a little dryer every second we sit here talking about it.”

He bit his lip, hips dipping to skim against hers.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m so sure,” She hummed. “Put it in me.”

His friends had told him stories. They were dumbass stories and he’d never quite believed them. Something about the pull out method and the fact that without the condom it was supposed to be this otherworldly experience. He thought they were just idiots who were too lazy and stupid to put a condom on. Honestly he’d probably still stand by that rational but… the moment he slips inside of her is maybe the greatest physical pleasure he’s ever known. And he’s got no fucking clue how to handle it.

“Holy fuck, y/n.” He whimpered face digging desperately into her neck. “It feels so good.”

She giggled, just simply giggled, but the way it moved her body had him clenching up and grabbing roughly at her hips.

“W--Wait don’t move! Goddamn.”

“Are you close right now?”

“Y/n...I have never been this close in my life.”

She laughs again and without any conscious understanding he covers her mouth with his hand.

“Baby you can’t laugh, I’m gonna cum.”

Her eyes widen and she clenches down on him and he’s pretty much done for then.

“I’m sorry!” She sighed as his hips stutter again. “I didn’t know you covering my mouth would get me going, although that is definitely something we should explore at some point.”

He clenched the blankets in his fist and tried to take deep breaths, but even the way she was blinking at him was hard to watch. He felt like a teenaged boy all over again, completely not in control of his own body. It was all her, and her glorious, magnificent body’s fault.

“Look it’s okay. Just take care of yourself right now. I can tell you need it. We can worry about me later.” She hummed.

He snorted. As fucking if.

His girlfriend was a woman of many needs. And as sweet as it was to think she might grant him an orgasm, he knew better than to ever not reciprocate. So, he did only what he could. He attempted to make her have a mind shattering orgasm in five minutes or less.

He gripped so tight at her hips that there were bound to be marks when he was done, hips shuffling around in small instances trying to locate her g-spot much earlier than he usually would. Similarly, her fingers held roughly at his ass guiding him where she needed him to go and singing his praises when he did. Usually their love making was a little gentler. He was really into passion and holding each other close and orgasms that had them crying out into each other’s mouths. This. This was different.

Even in a state that felt like he was constantly one thrust away from losing it, he still was so her centered. It wasn’t about him getting to “finally”  cum. It was about how good he could make her feel. And something about the time crunch meant he was more focused on her than ever. He just wanted her to feel the way that she made him feel.

When he finds that spot that has her toes curling against the back of his thighs, he grits his teeth and leans up to grab the headboard as he slams into her in a way he’s never done before.

“Holy fuck!” She gasped legs sprawling open in need. “Don’t stop. Please, don’t stop!”

He bit his lip in concentration, slotting his leg over her thigh for leverage and pushing deeper into her body. A shiver racked her entire being and it was the sexiest fucking thing he’d ever seen. Her skin was flushed, lips swollen and wet, breasts bouncing with every slap of his hips against hers. He’d never wanted someone so much in his whole life.

She grabs at his ass again and lets out the most sinful sound when he rubs that spot inside of her that causes her back to arch out, and once again his whole fucking world is rocked.

“You’ve gotta cum for me.”  He grunted. “I need to see this pretty pussy cum; babe, please.”

“Close. Really fucking close. Make me cum!”

Like that’s not what he’d been trying to do the whole goddamn time.

There’s a moment where he releases the headboard and grabs at her ass instead, flesh spilling from his palms as he gives her everything that he has. There’s a noticeable difference. Her moans get higher and more fragmented. She breathes harder and faster. And then her eyes roll back in her head and she stops breathing all together as she squirts all over his dick and her thighs. And try as he might, which he didn’t, there was absolutely nothing he could do at the sight of that but pull out of her just as he came his fucking brains out. He collapsed beside her each of them limp, sweaty, and covered in each other’s bodily fluids.

For a while they just pant and stare at ceiling. He wonders if she’s as fucking mind blown as he is. He wonders if she’s ever squirted for anyone else before, because she’d certainly never done it for him. He also sort of wonders how soon before she’ll let him have a crack at it again, because holy shit.

“Yo….what the fuck was that?” She giggled finally breaking him out of his own thoughts.

He peers over at her and she’s smiling, and just like that he wants to cuddle her into the mattress and never let go. How?

“Did you….was that…?”

She bit her lip. “You made me squirt. No one’s ever done that before.”

“Yea?” He murmured trying not to show just how happy that made him.

“It didn’t like...you’re not grossed out by it are you? Cause that’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever felt in my life.”

His eyes widened and he quickly shook his head at her.

“No. No, I’m not grossed out at all, babe. All I’ve been thinking about since you did it is how much I wanna make you do it again and again and again.”

She whined. “That’s so fucking hot. Get away from me.”

God he loved her.

When she eventually peels herself off the sheets and scratches at her sex-crazed hair, the bed almost feels emptier at the prospect that she might leave. There’s a small part of him that wants to pull her back, to be whiny and needy and desperate, maybe it’s bigger than he even wants to admit. But, he let’s her leave mostly because he still hadn’t regained all of the function in his body yet.

“I’m gonna make breakfast. You want?” She asked pulling an oversized sweater over her body when the fluids have been wiped away.

He nodded smiling softly. “Will you make those cinnamon swirl pancakes?”

She rolled her eyes at him. “You always want the complicated shit. I’ll make you pancakes if you wash my hair for me in the shower.”

“How sweet of you to think I wouldn’t want to wash your hair anyway, but deal.”

She walked to the kitchen, her thighs--and the delightful little limp in her step--still a beautiful reminder of what they’d done just moments before. As soon as he regained feeling in his legs, he was going to go kiss that girl silly.

He was lying there still in eternal bliss when her scream came from the kitchen. And he tumbled out of bed yanking on boxers and grabbing the nearest weapon he could--one of his AMA awards--because surely someone was trying to break into his apartment with a scream like that. He slid into the kitchen on socked feet only to find his girlfriend staring at the TV with her hands over her mouth.

“Jesus, you almost gave me a heart attack!” He groaned setting his award down. “What is going on?”

She simply points at the screen as if that will tell him everything. And unfortunately it sort of does.

“Shawn Mendes and his new boo were seen very snuggled up at the popstar’s New Year’s Eve party. An eyewitness from the party says they were all over each other. And from the looks of these pictures, they definitely were!”

It’s a super intimate moment of them in the corner. She’s straddling his lap and he’s grabbing her ass in a way that has all of his media training running down the drain. E! News is doing their very best job in making sure their audience can see as much detail as possible. The zoom ins, the continue flash of picture after picture. Who ever had snapped the shots had obviously taken them with the intent to sell, because why are there so many fucking shots of one moment of the entire night?

There’s video of it. Of them kissing. Of her apparently groping him in a not so friendly manner. It’s a PR nightmare for sure. But then it only gets worse.

“Fans were incredibly surprised to find out teen heartthrob Mendes was dating someone not famous, and some were even further confused by the woman’s appearance.”

And then it starts. And they start rolling tweets of these “fan” accounts saying the most awful shit. It’s like her worst nightmare right there in front of her and it’s all his fucking fault because every account has some aspect of him attached to it. Whether it’s his face as their profile picture, or his name in some random order in their twitter handle, it all feels like him. Like he might as well be standing in front of her yelling these terrible things at her.

When Shawn start dating fat girls tho?

I’m so confused???????? Shawn deserves better!

Damn y’all Shawn really out here dating anyone. Maybe us ugly girls got a shot after all?

He can’t turn the fucking tv off fast enough. But she’s just standing there, frozen, like it’s still on. Like she can hear what every piece of shit on the internet had ever said about her. And honestly he knows the feeling. The first two or three years of his career had been hell on his self-esteem, if he’d ever really built one up at all. Every time someone called him a girl, or made fun of his braces, of his hair, or his acne, or his body. The shit ran deep. It cut deep. But, he signed up for that. She didn’t. And that was the difference.

He wraps his arms around her when the first teardrop falls from her eye to her lip. His throat feels like it’s full of cotton and he gulps desperately as her pain finds its way to his heart. She’s shaking. And she seems smaller than he’s ever seen her. Like she’s caving in on herself. And why wouldn’t she? It didn’t matter how strong you were, or how confident you were about yourself. When all of these strangers on the internet are telling you something completely different? It’s only a matter of time before that seeps into your conscious.

“I’m so sorry.” he whispered squeezing her tightly. “Please don’t cry, baby? Please?”

He tried to pull her face into his hands, but she just shook her head at him. She was in pain. And it was all his fault.

“I love you so much. That was all bullshit, you don’t need to listen to them. Just listen to me, right now. Please?” He chanted steadily. “I love you. You are so incredibly beautiful to me. And you know that. You know how beautiful you are period. You’re a complete and total badass!”

Her nose was red, and her whole face seemed to be warming by the minute. He was prepared to go all night. To rattle off every single thing in this world that he loved about her, and there were many. But then, out of nowhere she just...stopped. She bit her lip and took a deep breath, and the tears might as well have soaked into her skin. All of that emotion. Gone. It was maybe the most terrifying thing he’d ever seen her do.

“It’s fine.” She whispered, voice hoarse. “I uh...I need to go home for a little bit, okay? I just--I’ll make your pancakes later, I promise.”

“Y/n,” He mumbled reaching for her as she pulled away from him.

She smiled. It didn’t reach her eyes. Hell, it barely reached her lips. it looked more like a grimace.

“It’s fine. Shawn, honest.”

“Why would you lie to me right now? Just let me help. Don’t close yourself off from me because of this.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I just need to go home for a little while.”

She stopped making eye contact, started gathering her stuff instead. And his heart breaks every time she picks a piece of herself up and tucks it a way. There’s a very scared, insecure part of his mind that wonders if she’ll ever come back. He was so far outside of his element and outside of his knowledge base, that he genuinely had no idea what to do. He didn’t know how to comfort her, he didn’t know what to say to make any of it better. And for that reason, he let her go, let her leave. No matter how much his body itched to hold her close.

He walked her to the door, his chest tightening with every step she put between them, and he tried one last time to get through to her.

“Will you please just...call me if I can help? If I can do anything. I--I can’t even begin to--I’m so sorry, y/n.”

She reached out to cup his cheek in her palm and he immediately fell into the warmth of her touch, gripped desperately at her wrist like it might somehow stop her from leaving him.

“It’s not your fault.” She whispered.

He bit his lip feeling the tears that were brimming angrily at the edge of his eyes.

“How come every time you tell me it’s not my fault, it feels like it is?” He chuckled dryly.

She doesn’t answer.

“I’ll talk to you later.”

“Can I at least hug you goodbye?”

She paused. “I don’t...I don’t really wanna be touched right now. If that’s okay?”

He’s never wanted to cry so much in his life.

“Y--Yea. No, of course. I love you.”

“Love you too.”

And then she’s gone and it’s like she took the sun, and the moon, and her touch, and everything else good with her too.

****

@shawnmendes: friendly reminder that if you’re saying terrible things about my loved ones, I don’t consider you a fan. At all.

His phone and email had been going off all morning, but he figures if he never leaves the gym, he never really has to answer them. His girlfriend hadn’t answered a single text in hours. If he wasn’t getting answers, neither was Andrew. The E! News story had gone somewhat viral and it was definitely a thing now. She was hurting, and despite her explicitly telling him it wasn’t his fault, he hadn’t been able to rid the image of her face crumpling in the kitchen from his mind. He pushed the the incline on the treadmill up another level and adjusted his speed to make it harder, trying to fill his head with literally anything else but her suffering. He’d been down in the gym for two and a half hours and nothing was working. He just needed her.

His phone lit up and buzzed for the umpeenth time that morning only this time it was one of two people he’d actually answer for. He let the treadmill come to a grinding halt and picked the phone in his hand.

“Hey mum,” he panted. “Sorry! I’m at the gym.”

“Oh. Sorry to bother you, do you want me to call back later?”

“No. I uh--I’ve maybe overdone it a little bit today. I could use your voice in my head.”

The gym was completely empty so he didn’t feel so bad sliding himself down against one of the mirrored walls to talk to the only person who might be able to make it better somehow.

“Yea...Andrew called us today. Said he hasn’t been able to get a hold of you.”

He sighed. “Did he tell you why?”

“He did. How is she doing?”

The fact that she asked about his girlfriend made his mangled heart a little less damaged. His mum was just incredible in that way.

He pulled a little desperately at his sweaty hair and knew that he probably looked as defeated at he felt.

“She...I’ve never seen her look like that mum. She’s been so scared this whole time that people were gonna judge her, or think that we shouldn’t be together. And I kept spouting her this idealistic bullshit that no one would care, that it wouldn’t matter. It’s all my fault.” He muttered pinching his eyes shut as the tears came again.

“Oh Shawn you can’t take all that weight onto yourself, sweetheart. You only have power over yourself and over your actions. You don’t dictate how the world responds. It’s not your fault.”

He sniffled angrily. “But if I wasn’t who I was, she never would’ve looked like that. She never would’ve cried like that. I just wanna make her happy, but these people only want to hurt her because of me . . . Mum she wouldn’t even let me hug her this morning.”

His chin trembles a little bit and so he hides his face in his arm despite the fact that no one else is around.

“You and I both know that’s not what that was about.” She hummed softly. “Now listen to me. This morning was probably very hard for her, just as I imagine it was for you. And i think if you wanna be there for her right now, you’re gonna have to forgive yourself for whatever it is you think you did wrong. That pain that you’re feeling in this moment? The love that you have? That’s good, Shawn; that’s beautiful. Focus on that, not on what some box on the internet with your face attached said. That’s not you. The person with their heart on their sleeve is you.”

His mum was his rock. She had been his entire life, and a moment like that just solidified it. Sometimes when he’d been anxious when he was first starting out, she would just call him and talk to him until he could breathe normally again. And this felt like that. This felt like he was a little kid again just waiting for his parent to make it all okay again. The magical thing was that she actually did.

“She left this morning.” He murmured when he could find it within himself. “And I’ve wanted to go to her ever since. But I don’t...I don’t wanna make things worse than they already are.”

“I get that. Do you think she really wants the space?”

“I don’t know. Sometimes I think I know every thought she’s ever had. Other times I think I’ve never known anything in my whole life.” He admits.

“Why don’t you go to her. Show that you’re there if she needs it. She’ll tell you what she wants. All you can do is respect that. I’ll tell Andrew to maybe take it easy on you today okay?”

“Okay.”

“In the meantime, I think he would appreciate it if you stepped away from social media until your head is clear.”

He snorted. Andrew was lucky the initial draft of him quoting a Brendon Urie tweet that had in so many words told everyone who was rude to his loved ones to fuck off, hadn’t made the cut.

“Yea I’ll make sure to do that. . . Thanks mum. I love you.” He breathed.

“I love you too darling. Come visit us when this all gets cleared up, eh?”

“We will.”

It’s a long trek back to his apartment. There was a strain in his thigh, that told him he’d over done it. He almost went straight to her door only to catch a whiff of himself and quickly steered his way back to his apartment. The washing is rushed and half hazard. All he wanted was to get back to her. To be there with her. Nothing else really mattered in that moment. Not the label. Not Andrew. Not twitter. And for maybe the first time in his whole entire career, not even the fans. He was really experiencing tunnel vision, and that meant something incredibly important to him, because never had he ever felt that way before. That she was everything. But, she was everything.

When he gets to her door, he freezes. Despite the soothing voice of his mother, there’s still so much uncertainty that it’s startling. He didn’t know what he would do if she asked him to go away. It had only been maybe four hours, but it had felt like days. Every moment that she was hurting and he wasn’t doing anything about it felt like his own personal failure. So he just had to try to give her everything that he could. She deserved that much of him.

He knocked hesitantly and waited with bated breath. It’s perhaps the longest wait of his life.

When the door opens, his eyes do their best to take in her every atom. Her eyes are still red. She’d been crying within the last hour at least. She’s wearing a hoodie he bought her when he’d left Toronto for too long to not bring a gift back, back when they still had zero clue what they were to each other. It’s fluffy and white and the sleeves of it seem to be drenched in tears if the malformations in the fabric are anything to go off of. The lights inside her apartment are off. She still smells like lavender and lime from the night before. She sorts of looks like hell, but even then hell had never looked so good. His whole body ached to move forward, to grab and hold and touch, but he remembered the last thing she said to him and knew that it wasn’t his place at that moment

“Hi.” she mumbled hoarsely. “You made it five whole hours.”

He twisted anxiously at the ring on his finger.

“I’ve been in the gym the whole time. My legs hurt very much.”

Her eyes do that thing where they sort of brighten at any sign of danger. Her eyes look him over for any sign that he might be hurt and he almost wants to laugh, or cry, because who the hell cares about him right now?

“Are you okay?” She asked.

“Not really. Are you?”

“No.”

“Can I come in? I don’t need to be in the same room as you, if that’s not what you want right now. You don’t have to say a word to me at all I just….I just wanna be here. With you. Please?”

Her lip started to tremble and so she bit anxiously at it. She twisted at the door knob and blinked rapidly as her eyes welled up all over.

“Remember when I said I didn’t want to be touched?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

He doesn’t know how to quite describe the look on her face. It was like a crumpling. Like the skin of her face just caved and folded in on her self revealing this profound sadness that she’d been trying to lock away from him, from maybe herself. His heart broke like a scab bursting to let all of the pain and the ugly out again. She brought her hands up to cover her face and mumbled out through her sobs:

“Will you just hold me please?”

It’s the fastest he’s ever moved in his life, scooping her up in his arms that way. He exhaled this long, heady breath just feeling like he was sinking under the weight of her pain. She cried into his shoulder for a long while, so he cradled her there against his chest and just breathed. And he breathed and he breathed as if it might help anything, like it might get her to calm down.

When her sobs turned to hiccups he steered her gently in the direction of her bedroom pushing her softly beneath the covers. She liked to have as many blankets as humanly possible, and usually it had him sweating in the middle of the night, but for now there was no question. She stared at him with wide eyes when he didn’t immediately crawl in after her, so he reached for her hand and squeezed firmly.

“I’m just turning the aromatherapy on okay? I’ll be right back.”

It’s a little water diffuser that sits on top of her dresser. He’d gotten it for her for Christmas, when her old one broke. Eucalyptus quickly filled the air as he made his way back to her. They often times had tried to get as close as two humans physically could. Shawn liked to think they were sappy in that way, but today is a whole new level. He’s never held her so close. Never failed to see where his legs ended and hers began. Never intertwined their fingertips with such ferocity. But she needs him. And so he’s there. It’s just that simple.

“Will you do me a favor?”

He peered down at her, big brown eyes doing him in immediately.

“Anything.”

“Will you just sort of….smother me?”

“I’m sorry? N--No. No I am not going to smother you. I would never do anything to hurt you, ever.”

She snorted. “Not in a harmful, with a pillow kind of way, Shawn. Jesus! I meant more like in a  put all of your body weight on top of me until I feel like I’m rooted to this earth again, kind of smothering.”

They’d had conversations before. Usually when they were high. She would tell him about this concept of floating. It was a defense mechanism apparently. The body experiences trauma and so it sort of leaves itself. It shuts down to protect the brain, so that you don’t remember. She’d experienced that sometimes in her life, but she never really knew how to come out of it. Her body sometimes didn’t want to. So, when she asks him to help root her, he gets it immediately. And he feels like an ass for making it seem weird, or like something he shouldn’t have to do. Of course he’d root her to the bed, if that’s what she needed.

“Oh. Oh, of course. Yea just...just tell me if I’m doing it right okay?”

She nodded moving slowly to her back and parting her legs for him to slide between. He was nervous that his long awkward limbs would squish her. And he kept trying to find ways to settle against her without hurting her. Eventually she must’ve gotten tired of his bullshit, because she tugged at his shirt until he lost balance and toppled on top of her. Before he could even find it within himself to be terrified, she let out her first giggle since that morning.

“See that’s all I wanted.”

*five hours later*

“I wanna shower.”

It’s the first thing she’s said in hours and it startles him a little bit, but there’s no way in hell he’s ever gonna tell her no.

It surprised him that she asked him to follow, asked if he’d still wash her hair for her. She’s still quiet throughout most of the process, but it’s like she’s waking up, slowly.

The next time she speaks is when she’s sitting on her bed brushing through her hair to detangle the strands.

“I wanna get a piercing I think.”

He’d just pulled on his underwear, but quickly plopped down beside her on the bed.

“A piercing?”

“Yea. Would you go with me?”

“Of course I would. When do you wanna go?”

“Now. And can we get food afterwards?”

He peered at her for a second trying to understand exactly what was happening. Was it a coping mechanism? Was it her way of saying fuck you to everyone? Was she covering her emotions up again? He didn’t know, and he couldn’t help but remember his mum telling him that all he could do was be there for her if she needed and wanted it.

“Can I?” He murmured pulling her brush gently from her fingers and resuming in detangling the strands. “I wanna understand better about what’s going on here.”

“What do you mean?”

“I just...You didn’t talk for hours, babe. Which is fine. I want you to do whatever you need right now, but then all of a sudden you’re up and moving and the first thing you wanna do is get a piercing? I feel like I’m missing a piece of the puzzle here. I just want to understand.”

Her fingers reached for the necklace at the base of her throat, and it made his heart feel warm to see the swallow there.

“I just need to not think for a while. And I thought this might be a way to do that.” She whispered. “I didn’t meant to scare you.”

“I’m not scared. I just want to be there for you. If you want to get a piercing, let’s go get a piercing.”

She smiled shyly and and tucked her head against his. “And food?”

“And food.”

So they do. He takes her to some random shop in Toronto. She spends a long time looking at different studs and different rings. She points them out and asks him what he thinks and even if they all sort of look similar to him he tries to find the differences that might make her happy. She picks out this pretty rose gold flower and this tiny hoop. Suddenly she’s getting her nose pierced and a forward helix on her ear. It’s kind of badass.

“Are you gonna get one?” She asked as they waited for a worker to become available.

His eyes widened. “Should I?”

“Why shouldn’t you?”

“I don’t know...What would I get?”

“Hmm…”

And that’s how he ended up getting a piercing to make his girlfriend less sad.

“How does it look?” She asked wiggling her nose at him.

He grinned and ran his thumb gently along the bridge of her nose. They’d watched a Star is Born recently, and he kind of wanted to run his finger along her nose ever since. She closed her eyes and scrunched her nose and then whined when it hurt to do so. His heart fucking soared.

“You look adorable.” He murmured taking her face in his hands. “So pretty.”

She brought her hands up to cover his and smiled shyly at the ground.

“You sure you’re not just saying that?”

He shook his head. “I’ve never meant anything more in my life.”

“Mkay….Now it’s your turn!”

It hurts like a bitch. She grabbed his hand and intertwined their fingers, and he assured her he’d be fine, but like….fuck.

The worker goes to get them cleaning solution and she runs her finger gently along the length of his ear where the helix now sticks out.

“I’m gonna be completely and totally honest with you right now. This is really getting me going.”

He chuckled hand resting on her hip. “Really?”

“Like...really, really. You could totally pick me up at a bar right now.”

“Are you insinuating that before this piercing I couldn’t have picked you up? You’re literally my girlfriend.”

She shrugged. “Yea, but like before the piercing who knows if you would’ve had the guts to take me. And now it’s like...damn daddy. You know?”

“No. No I don’t know. But I have a feeling you and my fans would get along much better than you think.” He snorted.

Shit. It didn’t even hit him that what he was saying was wrong until her face dimmed again.

“Hey, I’m sorry. Babe, look at me; I’m sorry, okay? I didn’t think. I need to think more.”

She was still wearing the sweater he bought her and pulled gently at the sleeves till they covered her hands. She shrugged gently and played with the fabric.

“No biggie. What am I supposed to ask you to never bring them up again, just because they think I’m some hideous, fat slob. They’re at least a third of the way right.”

The worker comes back before he can try to dissect what she just said there, and his phone is ringing, because the world hates him.

“It’s Andrew. I’ve been ignoring him all day.”

“Go, take it. I’ll finish up here.” She assured him.

He reached into his wallet and handed the woman his card, squeezing softly at his girlfriend’s hand when she protested about him paying. Suddenly his phone call was a little more important.

“Hey.” He breathed stepping outside into the cold air. “I’m sorry I went ghost. I just...It got bad.”

“Yea, I talked to Karen. She kind of filled me in. How’s she holding up?”

He looked back through the window of the shop and he racked his brain for a way to explain it.

“I--I think we’ll be okay. I don’t know, her coping mechanisms are much different than mine. She secludes where I just wanna talk about everything. So I’m just trying to understand. And trying to figure out how this isn’t my fault, I think.”

“Shawn--”

“I don’t really wanna discuss it right now. If that’s okay?” He mumbled.

Andrew laughed softly. “Kinda contradicts what you just said, now doesn’t it?”

“Yea. Yea, I guess maybe she’s rubbing off on me a little. But like...this isn’t about me, Andrew. It’s about her. And she’s hurting right now. So, it feels like I should be doing everything in my power to make sure that’s not the case anymore, ya know?”

“I understand. We can be okay with that. Do you want me to update you on what your schedule looks like in the next couple of weeks though?”

“Sure.”

She comes outside while Andrew is speaking and wraps her arms around him. He runs his fingers along the bridge of her nose again, and she smiles.

“I have you back in California next week to begin tour rehearsals and Grammy rehearsals.”

“Next week as in when?”

“As in Monday, bud.”

He looks into her eyes and shakes his head.

“Can we push it back?”

Andrew sighed. “Shawn. Grammys are really important here. Miley was prepared to begin on Monday.”

“I will call Miley and personally apologize. I’ll send some flowers or something. Please, push it back, Andrew.”

“What are you doing?” She whispered eyebrows hitching upward.

“I can try to get you there Friday, but that is the latest I can do. You have to be in California.”

He smiled at her and kissed her forehead, but didn’t answer.

“Friday. I can be there by Friday. Thank you. How long am I in California?”

There are fittings to be had. Photoshoots. Tour meetings. Sound checks. Studio sessions. Meetings with the label. Meetings with Andrew. Meetings with the merch people. Meetings with his stylist for tour outfits. And somehow he was gonna have to to make it all happen. It was just different now. She was different.

He made a promise to talk to Andrew later before quickly getting off the phone. He wrapped his arms tightly around her nuzzling their heads together.

“So, dinner? I guess we kind of missed breakfast and lunch.”

“Don’t do that. What did you just do right now?”

He shrugged. “I chose you.”

“What does that mean?”

“I decided that I wanted to prioritize our relationship over everything else. I decided that you mean more than the meetings or the flights, or the endorsements. You come first.”

She bit her lip. “Shawn you don’t need to do that for me. I know I lost my cool today, but I’m a big girl. I can handle myself.”

“It’s not just  for you, honey. I just...I’m just doing what my heart is telling me is right. And my heart is telling me that I’m supposed to be here, right now. Not California. Not in some rehearsal room. Not in a fancy music exec’s office. But with you. So let’s get some dinner, okay? And try to salvage what is left of this day.”

She looks up at him with inquisitive eyes like she’s trying to find a hidden meaning somewhere. But there isn’t one to be had. He simply loved her. That was all. It couldn’t get more honest than that.

“I don’t ever want to get in the way.” She murmured squeezing the fabric of his shirt between her fingers. “I want music to always be what you need it to be, Shawn. I--I’m just learning. I’m trying to mold myself to this life that you have here. And it is...really fucking hard if I’m being honest. And I get why. I knew going into this, that what I am might not make sense for you.”

“Don’t say that. You make all the sense in the world.” He told her fiercely. “I love you. That’s enough, isn’t it?”

She smiled sadly. “I think so. I want it to be so. But, I say all of that to say that...I wanna like, be a part of your life. And so I’ll figure out how to adjust. Just, please be patient with me. You don’t need to change your life for me.”

He let his fingers come up to skim along the length of her neck before he gripped softly at her cheek. Her hand came up to rest over his and all he wanted was to kiss her until the sun came up.

“I’ll try to keep that in mind. Just as long as you keep in my mind that I’ve never met anyone more deserving of changing life around for.”

“Okay.” She mumbled, the corners of her mouth dipping slightly up.

He smiled. “We should probably stop somewhere and get condoms too, because as beautiful as this morning was I’d like to last more than ten seconds with you.”

She rolled her eyes. “Awww you lasted at least twenty, babe.”

Funny.

Taglist: @kitykatnumber @lou-and-me​ @ourlittleshawnie @mutuallynotmutual @wanderingmendes @peacedolantwins2 @chels-nyc @@illloveyouforever1​ @justbeingoceana @grittyisathot @hayyitsfayy​ @claredolphinbear24​  @september-lace @grittyathot @literallyshawn @mchutchmendes

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fic #Shawn mendes fanfic #Shawn mendes fan fic #Shawn mendes smut #Shawn mendes series #Shawn mendes one shot #shawn mendes angst #Shawn mendes au #Shawn mendes x y/n #Shawn mendes x you #Shawn mendes x female reader #Shawn mendes x fat reader #Shawn mendes blurb

[makeste]

I was glad to see you enjoyed my Top 10 ask. You did mention you had a ranking for the arcs - would you do a ranking for them? Like, worst to best? (My guess (of the arcs you've finished): Internship arc, Hero Killer Arc, License Exam, USJ, Intro Arc, Culture Fest, Battle Trial, Pro-Hero arc, Final Exams, Sports Fest, Camino Ward, DvKp2; since you haven't liveblogged Joint Training Arc yet, no clue.) Just curious.

good morning evening everyone, and welcome to another Wednesday episode of “makeste tries to answer asks from two months ago while on the bus.” this one is a bit of an interesting challenge since it involves ranking and that always takes me a long time, but as you said, I did have an ongoing ranking of the arcs in my head, so we’ll see. at the very least the ones at the beginning and end shouldn’t be too hard, and you can probably guess them already. (in fact, you actually did.)

(ETA: yeah this took me two sittings to do, so I ended up posting it on the ride home lol. I just like BnHA you guys. almost as much as I like talking about how much I like it!)

okay so here goes.

14. Basement arc - yeah so let’s just go ahead and get this over with. this is the one and only BnHA arc that I actually dislike. fortunately it’s an outlier and suffered from a bunch of one-time issues, most of which stem from the fact that Horikoshi was apparently trying to write a longer and darker arc than usual. well he succeeded! and thankfully learned his lesson. and at least this arc gave us Eri and Mirio and some good Kirishima flashbacks and Chekov’s Quirk-Be-Gone bullets and the Highway to Hell. hopefully the anime can improve on the rest.

13. Provisional License arc - okay, so it might surprise a few people that this arc is all the way down here. let me explain. this is a perfectly fine arc, and I like it well enough, but it’s a bit longer than it needs to be, and not that much happens in it aside from our introduction to best boy Yoarashi Inasa, and the Great Toga Conspiracy (which is admittedly excellent). there are some great moments (Aoyama doing his best impression of “THE BEACONS ARE LIT” from RotK comes to mind), but overall it’s fairly forgettable, and it suffers from being placed directly in between my two absolute favorite arcs, which means I have a tendency to overlook it, which isn’t really the arc’s fault.

12. Hero Killer arc - this one is interesting because I really lost patience with it during my first read-through, but strangely enough when I watched it in the anime I actually really enjoyed it. it was also much shorter than I remembered. I’ve belatedly realized that reading it while doing commentary really slowed me down, because for the parts that I wasn’t feeling, doing the commentary took a long time and also left me dwelling on a lot of the things I didn’t like. but in actuality, Stain’s Annoying Rants aside, this is a pretty enjoyable arc full of Big Hero 6 flashbacks, hot revenge-driven Iida, Gran Torino’s introduction, Deku learning full cowl, Bakugou’s Best Jeanist internship, and Todoroki saving Deku and Iida’s lives by being glued to his phone when he really should have been paying attention to his own internship. get off that social media already Shouto.

11. USJ arc - this is a great arc, but it just feels small compared to everything that happens afterward. but it’s fun to look back on because there are lots of little hints for future developments to come. the traitor theory, for instance. and this is also our introduction to the League and to Tomura and the Noumu. and that final fight between All Might and the Noumu is still one of my favorite scenes in the whole series, especially in the anime. it’s so fucking good you guys. shit.

10. Intro arc - just FYI, I lump everything from the first chapter up until USJ into one arc since it’s easier. anyways, so this is roughly on the same level as USJ, but gets a slight edge because there are some iconic moments here. namely, the first chapter (which is still one of the best shounen intro chapters I’ve ever read, if not the best); Kacchan VS Deku 1; the entrance exam; and our introduction to the rest of class 1-A, particularly Ochako and Iida. oh, and Aizawa! gotta love how he starts out all ready to expel some bitches only to wind up falling in love with the whole class. fatherhood agrees with him.

9. Band AU arc - I actually love this arc. I just love all of the ones above it on the list a bit more, and I can’t really justify it being any higher than this. but it has The Band and the Babysitting Squad and Mirio being the best big brother in the world and Eri being just ridiculously, astonishingly cute. Gentle and La Brava are also great villains, if not quite my favorites. there are a few questionable plot holes in the arc, and it lacks any sort of big impact on the rest of the series, but it’s basically a canon filler arc and it’s so much fun and I can’t wait to see it animated.

8. Fanfic Lodge arc - you guys this arc started out so fucking cute and ended up so fucking tense. and this was our intro to the League of Villains proper, including Spinner, Twice, Tuxedo Mask, the prodigal Todoroki son, and my best girl Toga. Deku VS Muscular is still hard for me to read (his liiiiiiiimbs) but it’s one of Deku’s best moments regardless. and the angst at the end of the arc is almost unparalleled. god I love it.

7. Final Exam arc - a.k.a. the one where all the kids team up with each other to shoot their teachers in the fucking face. this arc has it all: Momo character development, Bakugou character development, TodoMomo, BakuDeku, and Aizawa being a total badass. (and All Might too, but he’s kind of overkill tbh. which is its own kind of awesome though.) there’s so much good stuff in this arc that this description is a bit vague because if I got any more specific we’d be here all day. it’s just a lot of good stuff that I like.

6. Joint Training arc - dudes I love this arc so much. class B and their array of ridiculously awesome quirks! class A and their impeccable teamwork! Bakugou joining the OFA Scooby Squad and showing off his new WIN AND RESCUE COMBO! Monoma! Shinsou!! SIXQUIRKS!!! god there’s so much great content.

5. Endeavorhawks arc - this arc would be even higher except that it’s a bit short (though it’s perfectly paced, so that might actually be a plus) and it doesn’t feature as many of my faves. but Hawks’s intro + our intro to The Great Noumu Conspiracy + Todoroki Family Drama + some of the best character development I’ve seen in a shounen manga (god I still can’t get over what a ballsy move it is to try and redeem Endeavor) = solid gold. and it’s so well done. and caps off with one of the best plot twists in the series to date, which sets up what promises to be one hell of an interesting arc later down the line. just. it’s so good. possibly the best-written arc to date, even if it doesn’t quite top my list.

4. My Villain Academia arc - and this isn’t even done yet!! and it’s still already this high!! Tomura flashbacks! Toga flashbacks! TOUYA FLASHBACKS???! (we’ll see??) creepy cults! my new favorite character One-Handed Giran, the biggest badass in the whole fucking series! worldbuilding for days! Dr. Robotnik! more Noumu shit! etc. etc. this arc has been non-stop goodness and I almost feel spoiled at this point.

3. Sports Festival arc - the most fun of all the arcs. I have rewatched the cavalry battle in the anime like a bazillion times. there used to be this show on Nickelodeon called Wild & Crazy Kids where kids teamed up for all these zany competitions (water balloons were usually involved), and I fucking loved that show, and parts of this arc kinda have that same kind of spirit. it’s just fun. and then to top it all off we have our Shouto character development, as well as Bakugou’s little character arc that he also has which is excellent. not to mention what is probably Ochako’s most badass moment to date. love it.

2. Kamino arc - guyyyys where do I even start? this arc is perfection. good VS evil. All Might taking a stand even when he’s got nothing left in the tank, because the world needs him and he won’t let them down. the sheer visceral terror of AFO’s introduction. my favorite character getting fucking kidnapped and being brave AF and his friends rallying to save him yesssss. and the reveal of All Might’s secret, which is arguably the most powerful scene in the series. I get chills every time. “my heart is still the heart of the symbol of peace.” if All Might had announced at that moment that he was starting a new religion I would have been like “yeah okay.” I would follow him to the ends of the earth. how can one man be that selfless and brave. anyways this arc is absolutely incredible and objectively one of the best in all of shounen.

1. Deku VS Kacchan Part 2 - nothing to see here, just two boys who’ve known each other since they were in diapers, who’ve done everything together and have always been together but have never actually understood each other until now. just the two of them finally opening up to each other, because the one who always tried to act so tough actually isn’t that tough, in truth, and in spite of everything, he trusts the other enough to let his guard down around him this one time. just two rivals, sorting out their shit and figuring out what it all really means. and their dad, helping to facilitate the whole thing because he knows that one day, somewhere down the road, this bond between them will mean absolutely everything. is this really even an arc?? it’s only like six chapters, and only one event actually takes place. but do I care?? yeah, no. Deku and Kacchan’s relationship is the series to me, so yeah. to me it counts as an arc. and not just any arc, but the best arc.

so there you have it! I hope I haven’t accidentally left something out lol. but this should hopefully be a pretty definitive list, at least for now. looking back at all of this really makes it sink in just how good of a story this is, though. damn.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #makeste reads bnha #asks #bnha meta #bnha ranking

[stedes-black-bonnet]

My Baby Does Me: Chapter 4

POV: John Deacon x reader

Notes: Let me know if you want on my tag list?? I’ve had a couple people ask to be added. Ongoing Queen fic and such, expect updates weekly, if not more frequently.

Warnings: Drinking, swearing, and some steamy AF cupboard action? Does all of Queen appearing (finally!) in this chapter count as warning-worthy??

Abstract: A child’s game is played, though several people win at games not everyone knew were being played.

You weren’t sure exactly what Roger Taylor was offering, and you weren’t entirely sure you wanted to turn him down; if it weren’t for the enigmatic, dancing God standing next to the blond God, you might have a hard time resisting the glamorous Roger. Your heart was already spoken for, even if you hadn’t realized it yet. Roger put an arm around Deacy’s waist. He had to admit, Deacy had delectable taste in women. The kind of women that tended to go after his friend, however, weren’t always the kind of woman Deacy was looking for. He wasn’t strictly a one woman a night kinda guy; that wasn’t to say Deacy didn’t like to have his fun or indulge his base desires, rather that he was a bit more choosy than most about the women he invited along for the ride. Roger respected this the most about his friend. And even though he’d never admit it, he admired him even more for his discerning palate and all-encompassing self-control.

They could get whatever they wanted when they wanted it, Roger thought. Perhaps the most chaotic thing about Deacy was his ability to simultaneously flaunt that fact and yet outright deny it; turning away from limitless lechery and immediacy was perhaps the ultimate form of Deacy’s rebellious chaotic energy. He could allure anyone and say no in the same breath. Roger, however, rarely said no, considered seduction his favorite hobby--besides his cars and his drums. He was maybe a cad, but he never took advantage; Roger Taylor always knew where to draw the line, and if that line was the curve of a woman’s body, even better.

He hoped you were capable of dealing with Deacy’s complexities, because from the look in his friend’s eyes, Roger could tell Deacy was falling in such a way he was probably already writing songs about you in his head. He hated the idea of seeing his friend get hurt again. Roger was all fire and every emotion was always plastered on his fine face; if you could read a book, you could interpret his face and his feelings; Deacy felt everything startlingly deeply, and even though he trusted the members of Queen above all, there were times he’d rather run away for weeks than tell them what was wrong. Could you be the exception?

“That depends,” you said, “What kind of game are you playing?” A wry smile had appeared on your face. You were feeling the alcohol a bit more, and felt braver because of it. You looked at Deacy, and had a hard time not thinking about what it would feel like to kiss him in this room full of witnesses. To claim him publicly would be the most fantastic move, you thought. Not to mention a huge turn on for you. You tried to put it in the back of your mind next to your thoughts of pressing him up against a wall and running your hands all the way down his torso.

There was a faraway look in your eyes Deacy couldn’t help but find intriguing and exquisite. That, he thought, was the perfect word to describe you: exquisite.

“I have an idea what you’re playing.” Deacy said, “You and Freddie really can’t help yourselves, and you’ve enlisted Y/N’s friend, and now you’re trying to enlist us to be party to your...foreplay adventure.”

“I would never say ‘foreplay adventure.’” Roger simpered. He licked his lips, and looked at you, “Listen: we’re simple men who play scrabble for fun for fuck’s sake. And what we’re doing now is equally childish, yet a rockin’ blast of a time.”

“Oh yes! Sardines is without qualification a ‘rockin’ blast of a time.’” Jim laughed sardonically.

“Wait--you’re playing reverse hide-and-seek?” You asked somewhat gleefully.

“What of it, love?” Roger asked, an eyebrow raised.

“Let me get this straight--”

Jim snorted into his cocktail, and the boys smiled at him fondly.

“Let me get this straight,” you repeated shaking your head a Jim, a full-on smile on your face, “You’re adult rock-stars playing sardines?”

“Come now, this is a time-old romantic tradition dating back to the Victorian Era.” Roger explained, rather scholarly, you thought.

“God save the Queens.” Deacy said automatically.

“God save the Queens,” Jim responded. You had the distinct feeling Jim was talking about one Queen in particular, and that this call and response was a typical exchange of the group you had become part of.

Deacy removed himself from Rog’s grip, and offered you his hand. You took it, allowing him to help you up. Standing next to him for the first time, you noticed how tall he was, and were instantly relieved you had the foresight to wear heels tonight. You’d still have to stand on your tiptoes to kiss him properly, you guessed.

“Look at it this way,” Deacy pulled you closer to him, staring into your eyes the entire time, “games of proximity are significantly better as adults.”

You smiled at each other knowingly, as if you had been exchanging hidden messages since childhood. It was clear to you now, maybe for the first time tonight, Deacy wanted to get you alone, to experience you by himself, a room all your own. Perhaps, this was the ultimate test for any two people, to survive the tedious one-on-one for the first time. To bypass all the pitfalls and emerge for the better and wanting to know each other better wasn’t always easy or simple. You knew, however, you wanted nothing more than to find out if you were compatible in every sense of the word.

“You’d have to find me, first.” You challenged.

“I could find you in a room full of darkness, you gleam that brightly for me.”

Dumbstruck, you felt that newly familiar sensation of time pausing again. It was such a line, you thought, but there was something about the genuine way he said it, the slight shyness, the undercurrent of embarrassment that showed you he felt flabbergasted saying it, too. Maybe it was audacity of the audience, or the fact you had known each other for hardly an hour, barely knew anything about each other, but whatever it was, it wasn’t just a line for him, because you knew the last thing he wanted was to show bad judgment. Statements, lines like that can seem like a game, something a player would say to get his way, or show the emotional hand of someone who rushes into relationships too quickly. The way he said it, the mixed emotions, however, conveyed what the words couldn’t: he was saying this against his better judgement precisely because he couldn’t help himself. Another paradox, you thought.

“Another paradox,” you whispered.

For Deacy, you had said the magic word. He knew you understood him better in these brief minutes than most had his entire life.      

Roger cleared his throat, “Mates, you’re supposed to be helping me find Lydia. Keep your baseline in your pants.”

“You’re one to talk, Rog.” Jim came around the bar, determined to help in the search. “Pretty sure you’re up for action any day, action any night.”

Roger glared at Jim.

“Right,” Deacy said. “Let’s do this.” You nodded in agreement, and let go of Deacy’s hand.

“Alright, you all know the rules? We all split up and search for Lydia, and when we find her, hide with her until the last one of us comes a long and is declared the loser. Now, keep in mind Bri and Freddie are already playing. I lost track of them, oh, I don’t know, thirty minutes ago? They could be anywhere.”

“I like a challenge.” You said, clapping your hands together.

“Did Freddie start playing before or after the chandelier?” Jim asked Roger.

“...Well, during.” Roger confessed hesitantly.

Jim closed his eyes in gentle frustration, “Thanks for the hint,” he said, and quickly zipped off among the throng of people, deciphering something in Roger’s words only one’s lover could understand.

You lost track of him rather fast, and amused yourself imagining Jim sneaking off into a secret passage like film noir detective.

Deacy wanted to just whisk you away, use this game as an opportunity to get you alone, but he was also competitive and liked to win. He was torn. Part of this game was deception and distraction and knowing your prey. He was contemplating the best tactic when he noticed you had left his side slyly and without sound or word. Surprised, he smiled at your initiative. He took it as a personal challenge, endearing him to your spirit even more than before.

“Hey, hold this for me, mate?” Rog said, handing Deacy a balloon he had fumbled down from over the bar. “Right,” Deacy said holding the string.

That’s when Roger popped the balloon, and made sweet his own ostentatious getaway.

Deacy stood at the bar, quite alone in a room full of people, still holding the string to the popped balloon, “Right.” He repeated.

You were in the room you had most wanted to enter since you arrived at the party. A glorious white grand piano rested in the center of the room. Vast, rich red curtains hung from the bay windows circling the exterior. A spiral staircase was off in the corner of the room, almost hidden, certainly meant to be ignored. What was it like to live in a place where something as inherently fancy as a spiral staircase was commonplace?

The ceiling looked like a renaissance painting, though you were certain some of the angelic figures were, indeed, of cats and not cherubs. You smiled at the adorable yet bizarre tribute to the fine feline kind. Only Freddie, you thought. Unless this was Jim’s dramatic touch? You thought better of it; only a rock-star would do this to their ceiling. You wondered what it would be like to compose rock songs at this piano, in this space, in this townhouse. Down the rabbit hole, indeed, you echoed Jim’s words from earlier. Especially in this room, they rang true. You couldn’t bring yourself to touch the piano without permission, though you longed to sit and play, perhaps to entertain, maybe to show off.

Instead, you checked behind the curtains for Lydia. She wasn’t there, though. You decided to not go back the way you came, but to use the inexplicably curving, tight staircase that led up towards the cat-painted ceiling, and off along towards an indoor balcony. You weren’t sure exactly yet where it led, but couldn’t resist the urge to find out. You ascended the staircase and followed the balcony along into another room. You found yourself on the second floor over a modest library. If a two-story library could be called modest, that is. Large ferns took advantage of the floor to ceiling windows resting between the shelves. You wondered who the gardener was who took painstakingly good care of them.

You wandered between the nooks and crannies, between large and small plants, in dark crevices, and patterned curtains made of kimonos. There was another staircase leading up (how many floors did this place have?) and a doorway leading to a widow's walk, and beyond that only darkness. Shadowy figures were outside the widow’s walk. Maybe one was Lydia and the others?

Opening the door, you ran into someone leaving.

“Oh, pardon me, will you?” He asked, lightly. He was distracted, maybe on a mission of his own?

You looked up at him, and saw a mop of curly long hair. You recognized, with and in-take of breath, Brian May.

“Oh, wow!” you whispered. “I mean, of course--excuse me, I was just looking for my friend; we’re playing a game.” You explained. You couldn’t believe you were talking to Brian May, about a stupid game, when he was in all actuality quite brilliant.

A look of recognition sprang to life on his ultimately kindly face. The smile made Brain absolutely beautiful. It had to be said, he had better hair than anyone you had ever met, including Lydia. Those luscious brown curls, you wondered, how did he keep them so tame? You must remember to ask for tips. Hair tips from Brian May, you really were losing it.

You took in his red and black Henley and silver blazer. He looked classical, relaxed, you thought. And so very tall. Taller than Deacy. You thought then of Deacy and where he was, if he had won yet, and thought of finding him in a dark corner, and what you would do to him if you did. The possibilities were endless.

“You must be Y/N!” Brian said grinning.

His words shook you from your reverie. This rock-star, who played guitar better than any living person in the world, knew your name.

“I am,” you managed to say. You put your hand out for him to shake. Brian took it happily, and he introduced himself. “I think we’re playing the same game, if I’m not mistaken?”

“We are,” he agreed a little bemusedly.

“We must part ways, then,” you said somewhat sadly; Brian seemed, well there was no other word for it, sweet. Maybe genuine was a better way to put it, you thought? You smiled at him and said, “I hope we have the opportunity to learn more about each other outside the cunning nature of sardines.”

Brain laughed at your remark. He liked a woman with a brain. Being a scientist himself, he valued the simple skills of observation and logic. Also, however, being an artist, he admired beauty. Women were like stars for him, each had their own beauty, their own signature, a little something that made them all different and appealing in a myriad of ways. Gazing at stars, for Brain, was like gazing a women: equal parts dangerous and beguiling. A woman could sear your eyes, tarnish your skin, yet envelope you entirely in light and warmth. This, is the essence of pleasure, Brain thought. And, like every other woman, you were very pleasing.

“I’m sure we will have the chance.” Brain smiled as he left back the way you had come through the library. You, however, continued past the widow’s walk to a doorway at the end of a medieval-looking hallway. You opened the door and walked inside. A guest bedroom in pinks and oranges met your gaze. Light mewing and tired sighs could be heard from the canopied bed. You tiptoed past the bed, not wanting to disturb the cats--seven in all, you counted? A second doorway led to another hallway with six different doors leading all of six different ways.

Dear lord, you thought. Did this place ever end? You wished Brain hadn’t left you alone. You were a stranger in a strange land. Before you could worry too much, one of the doors started opening, and you wished for a place to hide. You had five options, and couldn’t choose one. You found yourself frozen to the spot, a little too curious about who could be coming through the doorway.

Deacy opened the door and saw, much to his surprise and elation, you.

“Y/N?” He said into the darkness.

“Deacy!” You practically sprang into his arms with relief. It felt as if you had already done it a hundred times before. You felt Deacy’s body seize briefly and then instantly relax. He slowly snaked his arms around your waist and up your back. He was very cliche of warmth and you felt duly undeniably safe. He was a shield in the night.

Deacy couldn’t resist any longer. He had been fighting a silent battle all night. The one against his mind and his heart. That old battle, more a foe than a friend; for we are always our own worst enemies, are we not, he thought? And, really, when you got down to it, he was no different than anyone else. Sure, he was famous and wealthy, but some problems you couldn’t charm away, you couldn’t buy off. Some problems all men had to face.

This fight always ended one of two ways: the heart would win or the mind. He could stop himself, maybe, he thought, if he turned tail and retreated now. If he left you here in this dark hallway, he could continue to guard himself, to lock himself away. Seal away vulnerability once and for all, and give up. Or, alternatively, he could let go. He could succumb to every thought, to every wish he had silently expressed since he noticed you entering the party with Lydia.

That’s when Deacy let go.

He moved his hands down your arms to take your hands in his, and he turned to the left, knowingly, and led you into another room you had yet to see.

It was, you thought, a pantry of some kind. Close-quartered, but not too cramped. In here, in the darkness alone, you would have been afraid. But with Deacy it was an adventure, a beginning. Deacy turned around and snapped the door closed by pushing you up against it. He didn’t ask to kiss you, which you liked. You hated it when people asked to kiss you. It was, you thought, their own insecure way of not really knowing if they wanted to kiss you in the first place. If you have to ask to kiss someone, one of you doesn’t want it, and your intuition is giving you a red flag.

Deacy ran his hungry fingers up your waist, past your breasts, up your neck, pulling you into an exigent kiss. His lips pressed against yours with skill and determination. You responded immediately by wrapping your arms around his waist, one reaching up his back into his coiled hair. Softer to the touch than you had expected. Even the texture of his hair excited you; you had it bad. You smiled as the kiss lengthened, parting your lips.

His lips caressed yours, parting in equal measure and excitement. There was a rhythm to his kissing, you thought. Longer ones followed by softer and shorter ones, passion on top of passion, building to breath and repeats of long crescendos. Every peak would push a bit further than before, before de-escalating to a plateau. Each break made you desperately cling to him and him to you. You kept bringing back each kiss, each feel of the hands, each everything was new, nothing done before, each movement a furthering symphony of ecstasy.

Deacy deftly slid his tongue into your mouth, tracing your tongue. He pulls back, ever so briefly, lightly nibbling your bottom lip, and you moan in response. There is music in it notes know not.

That’s when Deacy decides he could happily make you moan forever and be perfectly, permanently in a state of joy. “Moan again, for me?” He asks, punctuating each word with a kiss or a touch, “I’ll make it worth your while…” He’s curious what other sounds you could make together; he wants to find every sound you make and catalog them into a score, a song that can mean only you, that only you can make together.

You manage a sigh, looking into his grey eyes, you pull him into your kiss. Your hands pull him by the waistband of his jeans, fingers digging into the coarse fabric; it is a dirty gesture done every so innocently. You slink your tongue into his mouth this time, moaning all the while. As you lose track of time, you lose track of which hands are yours and which are his, as if you already belonged to each other. He lassos his arms around you, into your hair, holding your face. Your tongues circle each other in a delighted syncopation. You follow and flow with each other’s lips. You feel him getting harder with each kiss, and wonder how on earth he’s containing himself in those tight jeans of his.

He pulls away, moaning. Bodies still up against each other, he knows he wants more. But he also always wants to wait, to savor these moments and delay sex as long as possible; that was, after all, part of the fun for him. But, before he stopped altogether, he had one more parting shot, one final move to impress upon you how much he desired you.

Deacy, placing a hand on your face, and another cradling one of your breasts, leaned down, and licked up from your decolletage, up your neck, all the way to the tip of your chin. He felt you shiver in his grasp.

Gasping, you felt every pore, every slice of skin his tongue touched ablaze with a keen desire. You wanted him, all of him, right there. Instantly, you knew without a doubt you needed him past this moment, past this night, past every night, maybe. It was a ridiculous notion, you had just met, but this ultimate need, this yearning was the most powerful feeling you had ever come across. And you never wanted it to end.

“I am not sure,” you said, “how you expect me to go back out there as wet as I am for you right now.”

The flashing in his eyes was a need you had never seen on another person.

He wasn’t sure if what you said was sexier than what you had done thus far, or even what he figured you would and could do for each other. He almost let go again, almost giving in to your skilled seduction.

“Y/N, if we relent now, if we give into each other now, we will regret it.”

“I could never regret that.”

He smiled lightly, “it will be all the better for waiting,” he kissed you again, flicking his wrist to your hips, and traveling down your inner thighs.

“This,” you moan, as he dexterously searched, pressing his fingers to your clitoris, “doesn’t feel like waiting to me…”

“But it is; I promise,” he said, returning your moan, as you trailed a hand across his mostly perfectly erect penis. There it was again, an intimacy that knows clothes. You’ve never been so entirely turned on while having all your clothes on. Was this the beginnings of true intimacy? Of great compatibility? You weren’t sure yet, and for the first time during all this reasoned he was right: you should bide your time.

You gently removed your hands from him, pulling him towards you still with your kiss. He followed suit, and took his hands off your body. Attached at the lips, this was still the hottest moment of your sexually experienced life. Almost as if rehearsed, you ended your kiss at the same exact time.

You saw him in a different light now. A layer of uncertainty melted away; there were different ways to know people, you figured. After this event, you saw him with more transparency, more confidence. He was a song you were learning, and couldn’t stop humming. You wanted to pour over his score until you had it committed to memory. You wanted to know him note-perfect.

You stared at each other silently. You weren’t sure how long, all notions of sardines forgotten in this cupboard.

That was until someone else joined you with a bang, and a push, new hands on your shoulders, and a closing of a door.

“Deacy, darling, is that you?” The man said; his voice was crisp and undeniably alive. You looked to your left, and saw more than felt that he still had a comforting hand on your shoulder. He was wearing a cape, a crown, white hot-pants, and not much else. You’d recognize that mustache anywhere.

“Fuck me,” you said softly to Freddie Mercury.

Freddie looked you up and down, taking in your green dress, bright eyes, and chic hair. He liked your over-large glasses. There was something sly in your eyes he savored. Freddie flicked his eyes onto Deacy, who made a halfhearted attempt to hide his erection; no fool, Freddie knew what had been going on in here even without that particular hint. He raised a thick eyebrow at Deacy. That eyebrow said everything in one fluid movement.

Deacy knew Freddie would 1) never let him live this down, 2) demand later to know everything that had happened in here while simultaneously regaling him of other sexual encounters that had occurred in this pantry, 3) pry every detail about Y/N out of him, and 4) cheer you on relentlessly. Eyebrows could communicate a lot. At least, Deacy thought, if it had to be anyone who discovered this situation, it was Freddie.

Their connection was deeper than his to the others; Freddie, like him, was shy in his private life. He was deeply secretive, and cherished the times when he could be “normal” as much as the times he was on stage performing for thousands of people. They understood each other instinctively, which made them not only good friends but good collaborators. They were able to write songs together with ease and enjoyment. On stage, Freddie was the only one who made him feel free to dance and embrace the music without an ounce of shame. At times, he even looked forward to the times Freddie would wander over and grind up against him, dancing in their own unique ways to the music they created together. That, Deacy thought, was complete freedom. Freddie, on stage, a magician, the great pretender, brought out the best in everyone, including the band. Freddie was, if nothing else, also surprisingly discreet. Deacy knew he wouldn’t even have to ask for Freddie’s discretion; he’d just have it, like he’d always have Freddie’s friendship.

“Well, to be honest, Deacy dear,” Freddie simpered, “I expected to find Roger and his belle de jour in here, not you and this delicious beauty.”

“Rog is quite fond of cupboards,” Deacy grinned mischievously.

“A queen if i ever saw one,” Freddie sighed.

“Are you referring to Roger or Y/N here?” Deacy questioned straightening his button-down.

“Myself, of course!” Freddie chuckled extending his hand to you. “Y/N L/N,” you said smiling from ear to ear, shaking his hand.

“Freddie Mercury, an absolute pleasure to finally meet you, darling. I’ve heard so much about you, if it isn’t gauche to say so?”

What was tonight, you thought? How many rock-stars knew your name? How many were vying for your attention? And, well, that’s not not mention everything that had transpired in this cupboard with one John Deacon.

“Not at all! As long as what you’ve heard has been favorable--if not, i may have to do something unspeakably devious about it.”

“My husband has a very high opinion of you, actually.”

“Oh! Jim! I just am so taken with him. We’re getting lunch tomorrow.” You excitedly exclaim.

“Indeed! I find myself jealous. How about you, Deacy. Jealous of my dear husband and your...friend?”

“Jealous,” Deacy said with a wry smile, “Doesn’t even begin to touch my feelings, Fred.”

“Freddie?” you asked, remembering the game, one of many, you thought.

“Hmm?”

“Have you seen the others?”

“Oh! Well, to be honest, I was hiding from Jim because of the chandelier incident. Though, that man is the canniest; I’d suspect he and Brain would have found Lydia by now. Technically, I think we aren’t allowed to search for her together…” He sounded like a parent now, catching two children breaking an obvious rule.

You were loath to split away from Deacy again. This, Deacy could read on your face. He took your hand, placing something in it, and said, “Y/N, we will find each other again tonight, I promise.”

He left the pantry, determined to win more than just your heart.

You opened the palm of your hand to find a long string in it.

“What’s that?” Freddie asked.

“A distraction,” you said, looking at the closed door, with an impressed smirk.      

     Tag list: @phantom-fangirl-stuff @triggeredpossum        

#john deacon x reader #john deacon #roger taylor #brian may #freddie mercury #queen x reader #roger taylor x reader #bohemian rhapsody #rami malek #joe mazzello #ben hardy #gwilym lee #Queen

[femmedplume]

Bastille @ the Wiltern (aka How Dan Smith Kissed Me)

Okay friends, strap in, this is gonna be a ride -- partially because I’s super excited, and partially because this is my ONE CHANCE to get revenge for the millions of SPN Con breakdowns I’ve had to read over the years, lol. ((BUT, because I am a nice nice Stitch, I shall put a read more break and you can scroll to the bottom if all you want to read is the kiss part lol.))

To start off, dis me and mah buddy Mikey ( @gnaist​) 

We have known each other since fucking JUNIOR HIGH, and (as I told him last night,) there are v v few people I enjoy enough to tolerate them for over twenty years, let alone still actively want to see them. Dis guy? He dat guy. :) And he also puts up with me with minimal complaining. 

Mikey and I share a birthday week, and we usually do something together (just us) during September to celebrate. This year, he was sweet enough to agree that our Birthday Shenanigans™ should take place at the ONE gig Bastille’s playing in LA -- not because he's a fan, but because I am. #FriendshipGoals

So first, I got all dolled up, with fancy pink and purple hair and Bastille-themed nails:

(That’s 00:15 for their song Quarter Past Midnight, a ∆ , and a letter for each member of the band: Charlie (guitar), Woody (drums), Will (bass), Kyle (keyboards), and Dan (lead singer))

Then, I drove to Mikey’s and gave him his half of our newest tradition: Birthday Socks!! One for me and one for him. 

We had dinner at this awesome patisserie close to Mikey’s awesome new place (shoutout to him for Adulting and buying his first condo!) We also got cake because Birthday Shenanigans™.

The food was super tasty, and the cakes were CHOCOLATE AF (don’t talk to me about my allergies, okay? Is mah BIRTHDAY)

We were running late, so we actually ate in the Lyft (the driver was nice enough to let us, and we were careful not to spill.) We got to the Wiltern at 7pm, JUST as they started letting people in.

Once we got in, we got overpriced (but very tasty) drinkies (Birthday Shenanigans™)

And then Mikey informed me that if we were going to a concert, we were getting merch. (Mikey is v v wise and a literal doctor, so I 100% believe anything he tells me.) We got shirts!

He got a cute Quarter Past Midnight shirt (that was also unusually soft and high quality,) and I got the tie-dye one that’s based off Dan Smith’s actual shirt. I’mma cut up the collar like I do with all my shirts because I hate t-shirt collars.

Then we went inside the actual theatre, which is an Art Deco beauty. They’d taken out all the seats, but the orchestra section has many shallow levels/risers, and people could basically choose which section they wanted to stand in. There was a bar INSIDE the theatre. The lighting was too low for good pics, but you can sorta see in this:

The very front pit and center section were filled with people who hadn’t sauntered in four hours late with chocolate mousse cake -- but there was space off to the right where we could stand and only two people were in front of us. YAY!

Then we waited. And waited. AND WAITED LIKE WTF PEOPLE?? I figure the Wiltern wants to give people time to buy drinks and stuff, but two HOURS???

Finally, about 9pm, the support act came on: a female singer named Fletcher? Anyone heard of her? Anyway, she was really good, had a gorgeous voice -- although we couldn’t understand what she was singing, but that was more because of the mic set up. 

(Das her. V petite and blonde and has a looooot of songs about breakups, lol.)

Once Fletcher finished her set, there was another break while the road crew set up Bastille’s equipment. It was sort of fun to watch, because they’re all English blokes so they’re chatting away in cute accents while they’re doing the setup.

And then, FINALLY, Bastille came on stage. 

And it. 

Was.

WORTH IT.

They went hard from the moment they stepped on stage, and kept the energy up the entire time. 

I cannot fully express to you how electric they are live -- but let’s just say that all the good pictures are Mikey’s because  a) he is the bestest of friends and played cameraman for the evening -- but also b) I was too busy jumping around with Dan to get any actual images of Dan jumping around

He even raced up to the balcony during Flaws, WHILE SINGING and dancing. (I was a bit disappointed he didn’t come by where we were standing, but I was also happy for the balcony peoples because you don’t normally get to interact much in the balcony. Also: ART DECO!!!)

Dan Smith’s voice was PEAK HONEY, and he did all the songs I hoped he would: The Draw, Blame, Quarter Past Midnight...hell, I’ll just show you the set-list, which I got to see after the show:

(The girl holding it was the one who got to keep it -- she was super sweet and a HUGE fan who’d been to tons of concerts but had never gotten a hold of a set-list, so we were all happy she finally got one! :D) 

SIDENOTE: 

During the show, there was this moment in the song Bad Blood where Dan came over to the side of the stage where we were standing. Now, the camera lens makes it seem like we were farther away than we were, like this:

When in reality we could see more like this:

So the band could see our faces, too. So during Bad Blood, Dan’s singing, and I’m singing along with him (like a goober) and I raised my hand like you do when you’re feeling a song...

and he RAISED HIS HAND BACK AND SANG TO ME!

For like, two seconds, but still. It was a MOMENT.

After that, I was floating on Cloud 9 -- so when the concert ended, I was ready to call it a perfect night. But when we went out (the back exit, as it was closer,) Mikey mentioned that because the line had stretched around the far corner of the Wiltern, we’d never gotten a chance to get a pic of the actual marquis. 

So we paused, and I looked back at the theater alley and thought -- huh, I wonder if they might...come out afterwards? Mebbe sign a few things? I has this nice shirt I spent too much money on...mebbe they sign my nice shirt, eh?

So Mikey went to get his pic of the marquis, which came out FABULOUSLY:

And then we settled in to wait at the end of the alley where we thought they might come out. Turns out, we were at the wrong end. So after like, 30 mins of waiting on one end, we (there were like, 20 of us) meandered over to the OTHER end of the alley, where the band’s cars were waiting and the crew was loading out the equipment. 

BTW, the Bastille crew? Super sweet, English and American, and those boys fucking HUSTLED. They were rolling 300-400lb equipment into this semi, basically doing the world’s largest game of Tetris, trying to fit everything in. We was all v v impressed. 

They also brought us water?? Because we’d been waiting for an hour and a half at this point and they felt bad, like...?? AND THEN, they gave us the balloons from the set!!

And all the fans were really nice, and started taking the bunches of balloons apart so that everyone who wanted a balloon could have one (I got a green one, mah favorite color!)

So we’re waiting. And waiting. And WAITING GODDAMN DON’T THEY HAVE CLOCKS IN ENGLAND??

The crew finishes loading, the semi backs out, still we wait. Their manager finally comes out and says that yes they’re coming out, but probably only going to take a couple of group shots with all of us/not sign anything or chat. Why? Because the boys are exhausted. He tells us they’ve flown from England to Sacramento to Vegas to LA in 3 days and played 4 shows, soo... understandable situation. 

EXCEPT for this one fan, who started whining at the manager. “I didn’t wait ALL THIS TIME for some fucking group shot, I want a SELFIE!” “I need Dan to take a pic of me with my SIGN!!” (She kept harping about her sign... is no even a good sign?) 

Then, when it looked for a second like maybe the boys weren’t coming out at all, she snaps “You PROMISED they were coming!!” >:( The tone of this person’s voice, man -- you know the one? Like she’s Sharon at the Walmart and they were out of stock of Pantene Pro-V or some shit and they OWED HER some gotdamn PANTENE and where is the manager?? Ugh.

Anywho, the boys come out. (Except Will. He might have already fallen asleep, IDK lol.) But there was a Dan and a Kyle and a Woody, and they all not ONLY took some group shots, but DID give hugs and stuffs. 

(Dan giving hugs. Woody, who was totally smiley and friendly and not a miserable git like this pic makes him look...right after this moment he ran over and gave the girl next to me a hug. Kyle was off to my right, giving many hugs and taking many pictures.)

(Dan in a taco hat a fan had given him. Woody heading back after giving many hugs.)

(Dan apologizing profusely because someone gave him a shirt for a present and he hadn’t realized that there was an image of a nekkid lady in the art collage on the front, and we were all ladies and he didn’t want us to feel uncomfortable or think he was a misogynist so he covered it up oh god he’s such a cinnamon roll I cannot!)

And now, the moment you’ve been waiting for: THE KISS.

So, during the interminable waiting, (literally, TWO HOURS PLUS, you guys!) several of us started chatting -- during the chat, it came up that I has made a Bastille art. I showed the ladies this pic:

because we were all talking about Dan shaving his head and I was trying to convince them it was actually kinda hot, lol. 

They really liked the art!! :D So much so that they convinced me (after many prods and encouragements) to show the art to Dan. And I was gonna do it, honest! I was super brave and not at all terrified.

But then came the whole they’re too tired thing and I was like, eh, mebbe no? 

And THEN, Superbitch Fan was standing right next to me DEMANDING that Dan take a selfie with her and her sign. (Which he did, like a sweetheart.) Then when he went to turn to me, Superbitch decided she didn’t like the first pic, and PUSHED IN FRONT OF ME AND PAST THE SECURITY BARRIER to demand he take another one.

Which he did, like a sweetheart -- but then turned past me, probably so she couldn’t grab him again. So I figured, lost cause, right?

Wrong. As he turned back, I was holding the phone out, but not quite up, kind of undecided -- and it caught his eye. 

Daniel Campbell Smith GASPED, CLUTCHED HIS HEART

and said “Wow.” Looked at the pic, then back to me, said, “Did you...”

And I held it up and said “Um, yes, I made you...an art?” (Because you know, what are words and why would I, a writer, know how to use them?)

And he just gaped, like HE had no words -- and then leaned in and KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK.

And not a peck, either?? Like a firm, full on “you are amazing and so is your art thing thank you so much” kiss for several seconds??

AND MIKEY GOT THE PIC!

TL;DR:

It may be blurry, but there it is! Immortalized for all time, the moment Daniel Cinnamon Roll Smith liked my artwork SO MUCH he had to kiss me to say thank you. 

And then, dear friends, I died. 

I have, in fact, been writing this diary from my condo on the edge of the Lake of Fire in Hades. Because I’m dead. 

BEST. NIGHT. EVER!!**

((Bonus: Mikey is now a Bastille fan! He really liked the concert, and is going to make his own playlist based on the concert’s set list. I’m so freaking happy we got to share that!! :DDDD)) 

((Super-bonus: Look in the right-hand corner of the kiss pic. See that woman looking like she’s having her night ruined? THAT was Superbitch. HA!))

**All credit to @gnaist for taking pictures of the entire night, even when I didn’t know he was shooting lol. 

#this has been the entirely true diary of your friendly neighborhood Stitch #thanks for reading #I promise I'll post some video of the concert in a bit #stitch in real life #bastille #dan smith: deep enough to drown #concert #the wiltern #live music #fanart #IDK what else to tag this but I feel like I's missing something? #oh! #the doctor and stitch

[punchmedanny]

Chicago II July 25, 2018

Alright strap yourselves in cuz this is gonna be a long ass post WITH SPOILERS for Interactive Introverts. I will mark where spoilers begin if you want to read about pre show stuff. If you don't want any spoilers whatsoever, don't feel obligated to read this even if we're buddies! Feel free to send me an ask/dm instead 😅

Alright folks, let's go!

Playing the Waiting Game

I was supposed to get to the venue at 4 for m&g, but I got there before 3 because a) i'm terrified of being late and b) my uber driver made excellent time.

The venue was not open yet, so my bf and I walked to a nearby mall. We passed by the tour buses (presumably dnp's plus other performers'). There was a group of people hanging around them looking v stalkerish (please don't hang around the buses before the show)

We got back to venue around 3:50 and waited in line outside till 4 when the venue let us in. We were near the middle of the line, so if you want to be closer to the front, get there sooner lol

Turns out I was behind the lovely @noodlephil in line (although I didn’t know till after!)

Two internet friends were meeting for the first time and crying (it was adorable)

Inside, there was a table with staff that checked and marked our tickets then gave us silver paper wristbands

We got in a second line where we had a bag check (our venue allowed sealed water bottles, but that might vary) and were scanned by a wand metal detector. After that, staff scanned our tickets 

We went to a third line which was the actual line for m&g and were told the m&g itself would start around 4:30

Marianne came by and said we would be waiting a bit longer for "latecomers" (im p sure dnp were the latecomers because most people were there at that point haha)

Marianne walked like a frickin goddess and her voice was beautiful

She made a speech giving us a rundown of how m&g would work, which I recorded

The m&g area was set up in the lobby to the side of the theatre doors

Dan and Phil entered from our left (towards the back of the theate)

They jogged across the m&g backdrop where we could see them better and waved. Dan did the cutest bouncy jump ever while waving. He stayed out longer than Phil

There was a table to set your bag on as you approached the backdrop

The music was loud af and there was NO WAY to see or hear other people's m&g - it was v private even though there were tons of people

Marianne was at the very front of the line and asked what she could do to help. I was like uhhh (because I'm eloquent like that) and she asked if we had anything for them to sign. My bf had golf balls lmao and gave them to her. I said I wanted to take a Polaroid for them to sign. She had me turn the camera on because apparently they’d had issues with Polaroid cameras in the past

I thanked her for the way everything was being run and joked a bit while we waited

When it was our turn, the people in front of us were completely gone (I repeat: v private). Marianne gestured and verbally told us to go on in

Meeting Dan and Phil

Phil was wearing his red jacket and good vibes t-shirt just like the beginning of "week in the life" He welcomed us with open arms and I went in for the Phil Hug. Wow. Phil is an excellent hugger and his arms felt a lot stronger than I imagined. And, yes, he waited for me to let go first

As soon as I let go of Phil, I stepped to the side and and looked at Dan. He was wearing his II denim jacket over a white t-shirt. He also had his arms wide for a hug. And lemme tell you, that boi has a fuckin wingspan. Dan gave a more gentle hug than Phil and we let go at like the same time

I am not a hugger and wasnt even 100% sure before I went in that I would hug them tbh

After the hugs, I stepped back and took them both in that's what she said. My initial impression was confidence and class. Literally, the most confident people I've ever encountered irl

Everyone says they're tall, but they are, as my bf said, taller than advertised. He's 6'2 and still looked up to both of them. I feel like they're both close to the next inch up honestly

They are wide. Like we've all noticed the Phil is wide, but Dan is too! They are literal giants

The cameras do NOT do them justice. Phil looks his age irl and I mean that in the sexiest way possible. He does actually have pores and tiny wrinkles (gasp), but I think they only make him more attractive. He oozes understated masculinity. But he also has serious nerd energy and idgaf attitude. Basically, he seems kind of badass

Dan looked flawless. Like I know every so often people wonder about if he wears makeup and all imma say is either he does OR he has the best damn skin care routine and/or genetics ever. He looks like someone after they use a filter

I'd say dan is suave and phil has swagger

(I'm about to sound real fucking weird) They both had such strong auras or energy or whatever you want to call it. It was palpable and BIG - like it extended off of them a couple feet. Dan's felt more static-y, while phil's felt more like balloon about to burst. It merged together between them to where I couldn't tell where one stopped and the other started

Marianne handed Phil the golf balls and he and Dan just stared at them in his hand in confusion for a second then Phil said "golf balls?" before my bf explained it was because they were the caddy lads. They chuckled and Dan said it was "the only series that has any value"

I am now the proud (?) owner of photos and video of phil holding two balls in his hand and I feel really weird about it

Dan asked if I had anything for them to sign, so I told him I wanted to take a Polaroid to which Dan replied, "D'ya want me to attempt the rare Polaroid selfie?"

Then I actually gently teased Dan (!?!?) because I'm a little shit lol I said, "I successfully did one this morning, so I hope you can"

They both seemed mildly amused and he did the thing where he touched his chest lightly in mock offense and said, "Well, let's see"

Tbh I think this was why I got genuine smiles in my pic

Dan said, "Beautiful" and Phil said "Amazing" lol (it really was tho)

Dan described the signature he'd be doing as "the tiniest little dan" and he used the highest voice ever

Phil's signature was so bad im pretty sure dan laughed at it lmao

Dan offered another selfie with my phone (i love him)

I shook their hands before I left and they seemed surprised, but appreciative. They both had excellent handshakes: firm, but not too hard. They both had soft, warm hands with Phil's being about average and Dan's being warmer than average

Overall, they were incredibly kind and professional. The vibe to be was sort of like talking to a boss who isn't your direct boss at a work party: fun, but still guarded

The saying goes "Never meet your heroes," but whoever said that obviously never met dan and phil. This was one of my happiest memories of all time

1500+ word description of the meeting including a sommelier worthy account of how the boys smell

And here’s the (real shit) video of my m&g

The Pre-Show

After meeting the bois, we were immediately given our goodie bags (one of them was double stuffed, lucky me)

Staff asked if we’d be staying in the theatre or not. Upon telling them we’d be leaving, they let us know we’d need to scan out so we could re-enter later

We bought merch (tie-dye/marbled look tee, long sleeved tee, and denim jacket). The line was basically non-existant, so if you have VIP 100% get your merch at this time

We scanned out and were told we could re-enter at 6 along with general admittance ticket holders

We had dinner then got back around 6:10. There was no line this time and we went through security and ticket scanning again

There were so many people everywhere and everyone was so cute! Why are we such a good looking fandom??? The line for merch was EXTREMELY long. RIP those folks

So was the line for the restrooms (and multiple men’s rooms were turned into ladydoors women’s restrooms)

We got 2 drinks (both for me) then went to our seats. We were front and center - I could literally touch the stage with my shoe from my seat. At this time I met @phandommom and @crunchytoasted1

The pre-show music was loud af where I was seated (I actually put in ear plugs lol). Lots of people were dancing and I got to witness crunchytoast dance to “Ladydoor” live which was a treat. At one point various people were running across the theatre with various LGBT+ flags to plenty of cheers. ‘Twas glorious. People did the whole waving the phone flashlights thing and sang along during “Welcome to the Black Parade”

My bf got me 2 more drinks

Showtime! 

THIS IS WHERE THE SPOILERS START!!!

It was so, so weird to see them onstage after having the m&g. I legit wanted to climb onstage and like be close again, but, ya know, I didn’t cuz I know what’s socially acceptable

We were called Susan. Classic

Phil was wearing waffle socks. As in socks with tiny waffles all over them

We sacrificed Phil to Satan and Dan died in a furry nightclub

None of mine or my bf’s answers got chosen and I’m a bit salty lol

We sacrificed Dan (the only correct choice fite me)

At intermission the line for the bathrooms was sooooo long omg. I got myself 2 more drinks at this point and called @h-owllslide to gush about the show. I spilled one of my drinks on my bf a little when I sat back down.

Danny was 3 centimeters away from loosing his dick and he got paint on his shoe. He seemed legit irked lol

Nick Jonas was in Dan’s box, but I don’t recall the other two cuz that was the only one that mattered imo

I got a piece of the sign and when they threw it into the audience it was a bit disturbing how everyone tore into it like a swarm of pirahnas

They wore Cubs baseball shirts over their usual shirts during the rap/song finale which was absolutely precious. I LOVED the finale so fucking much - it was magnificent

END SPOILERS!!!

Closing Thoughts

I wish I hadn’t drank so much (6 wines for those of you keeping track at home). I was getting real embarrassing by the end (as in screaming excitedly too much/ too often) and I don’t remember it as clearly as I wish I did. I was just freaking tf out and my anti-anxiety meds weren’t cutting it

I was struggling incredibly hard not to disassociate the entire time

I wish I could go to another show. It was so fun!

The following day, I had a major mood drop. If you’re prone to this, maybe have a plan to hang with someone and do something nice, but lowkey the next day

This was literally the most fun thing I’ve done in at least two years and was one of my happiest memories ever. We’re talking patronus conjuring levels of happy

If you can go, go. If you can’t, don’t feel too bad. It was EXTREMELY intense and not for everyone (especially m&g). Plus they are putting it up later, which I’m looking forward to because I think I’ll be able to better absorb it

Please feel free to ask me anything about the show! I’d love to go on about it lol

#omg this is so much longer than i anticipated #i mean i aint apologizing lmao #i will be legitimately surprised if anyone reads this in its entirety #it's mainly to help me remember because i have some memory issues #Dan and Phil #dan howell #daniel howell #phil lester #amazingphil #DNP #interactive introverts spoilers #interactive introverts #ii spoilers #ii m&g #text post #punchmedanny #tw: alcohol

[adastrapleiades]

Idek who the fuck follows me, but those of you that see this on their dash permit me a modicum of rage.. or maybe disappointment

Several (I’d guess now around 10) years ago my brother gave me a copy of Airman by Eoin Colfer (author of much lauded Artemis Fowl series). He’d happened to be in a bookshop while the man himself was on a publicity tour for the book, bought a copy and had it signed specially for me. While initially wary of a “children’s” book at the advanced age of 13, I was hooked... The writing, the story and general vibe are hard not to love - and indeed I would recommend it to anyone (man, woman, child, lizard, emerging hurricane) as an entertaining diversion.

The plot focuses on young Conor Broekhart, born in a hot air balloon in Paris in the late 1870s, a young man who dreams of flying, but is falsely accused of regicide... the plot, as one might imagine, thickens. 

My point is, two weeks ago, I had a bizarre moment where I remembered this brilliant and formative text of my early teens and found myself wanting to reread it. Living in South Africa puts something of a dampener on accessing books that were previously on the shelves of an average British Waterstones, or indeed, stacked on my desk at home... Nevertheless, I was determined -  I ordered the book, in my embarrassment making such a request, sheepishly stating some painfully transparent excuse as to it’s ultimate destination for a young cousin’s birthday present. 

Having not thought all that much more about it, I returned to the same bookshop today to place another  order, and was pleasantly surprised to find the book I had so studiously forgotten the name of had arrived this morning.This leads me to the entire point of this contextual diatribe... 

I read it. Cover to cover. This afternoon - while I should have been writing my dissertation. 

I enjoyed it, but there was something missing, something which I feel particularly influenced me as a young just-turned-teen:  a part which I feel coloured the whole of the novel. As far as I remember it,  Airman started with a prologue where the parents of our young Airman - Conor Broekhart, attend the Paris Fair (1878) and amid much excitement, are forced to make an emergency landing on the spokes of the crown of the Statue of Liberty in a hot air balloon as young Conor is born.. its all very dramatic - trust me. 

HOWEVER, this particular aspect of the story seems to have been (lately?) removed, I don’t have my original copy to check, but I know for a fact I found myself continually flipping through the book, looking for the singular moment of the hero’s birth, assuming it would come, especially in its pole position shaping the rest of the novel. It seemed to me that without the original prologue, the book  rang hollow, the initial action and drama introducing and focusing the scope of the book as a whole. I was also particularly loathe to see the lack of contextual background to Catherine Broekhart - scientist, anchor and general voice of reason, the mother of our hero. Her curiosity and general propensity to the stubborn is the catalyst to the novel at large, the reason the young airman is born in the willow basket of a balloon at the Paris Fair in the first place. She was determined to witness the science of aeronautics and actioned her determination. 

It felt to me, 10 years later, that the book has regressed from its exhilarating and remarkable potential  to something stilted and disappointed. While still admittedly brilliant, it lacked the contextual narrative which made it so originally brilliant.

Two weeks ago, I was helping a friend babysit a 10y/o and found myself horrified to witness the abysmal quality of reading and indeed the calibre of children’s books on the whole. It is my firm opinion that alleged “children’s books” should be interesting to the supervising adult, how can you encourage a passion in literature if you find the general material boring af? [for reference, this id couldn’t read the word “AND”...]

Children’s books must surely be the hardest of the literary genre, they should incite the interest both of the age group specified, AND the adults who aim to foster that particular love of the written word.

[Insert Disney, Shrek & any and all Dreamworks references here]

This mild rant descended from a childhood love of Eoin Colfer to a realization that the children's book industry is starting to slip, favouring the simplicity of short base rhyme to general prose. 

I have no idea what it has become, but then I think that might have something to do with the dissertation I’m meant to be writing...

#Airman #eoin colfer #artemis fowl #childrensbooks #childrens fiction #dreamworks #disney #publishing #procrastination #thesis

[advancedpottery217x2]

Dai Gyakuten Saiban 2: Chronicles of the Wild Ride

Way back in the far off year of 2017, I decided to play Dai Gyakuten Saiban 1. Later that year, the second game would release (I applaud all the people that waited from 1′s release). I found myself posting in the Ace Attorney discord because I knew I needed a place to dump my thoughts while playing.

Now the year is 2021 and both games are getting an official release (in English nontheless!) and port, allowing many more people far and wide to experience Shu Takumi’s Wild Ride. For nostalgia’s sake, I decided to dig up the pastebins I posted to the Ace Attorney discord back then and post them here. Of course this is not the full extent of my thoughts but back then Discord didn’t have the spoiler feature which means there is a lot of ROT13 text I do not want to dig through.

There will be spoilers after the cut, but I will list the links and say which parts of the game they correspond to before posting the links for real. Names used are the common romanizations for the Japanese version of the names at the time.

All times are in US Eastern Time.

Date: August 3, 2017 Chapter: end of 2

Link: https://pastebin.com/5y1Ld5Ur

Date: August 4, 2017 Chapter: 3, investigation day 2

Link: https://pastebin.com/ukhTFYfd

Date: August 4, 2017 Chapter: end of 3, murder details

Link: https://pastebin.com/ChNDvwuX

Date: August 4, 2017 Chapter: end of 3, you know what this is

Link: https://pastebin.com/6Evy1UjV

Date: August 6, 2017 Chapter: 5

Link: https://pastebin.com/Jfz5fTSK

Date: August 6, 2017 Chapter: 5 ver.

Shu Takumi MURDERED Me in Cold Blood and He's Standing There Laughing at Me

Link: https://pastebin.com/dv5vuA8E

Posting the text for all of these below so spoiler warning for real!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Date: August 3, 2017 Chapter: end of 2

Link: https://pastebin.com/5y1Ld5Ur

so the criminal selden who used to live in souseki's room also stole a thousand pounds and hid it there. when he died in jail he handed a key which would be able to access that to petenshy. of course being broke af, petenshy wants to reclaim the treasure but the problem is duncan ross moved into the room.

when someone blows into a gas pipe the connected lamps/stoves in the building go out and cause a gas leakage (tbh I didn't pay too much attention to how the gas leakage occurs but what's important is that it happens). tepenshy tried to do this to scare duncan out of the room but whoops he killed him.

of course viridian is shocked and one day by chance hears souseki complaining about how he woke in the middle of the night to find his stove out and the air hard to breathe. she began to harbor suspicions and bought poison on the black market. she gets tepenshy to leave his room by telling him to meet at a certain pub on matters concerning duncan ross. when he's out, she goes into his room, smears poison on the edge of the pipe and takes the letter and the contents of the box that was found empty later by ryuu.

however, tepenshy couldn't get souseki out of the room in the coming days because of the stabbing incident and ended up poisoned days later, although not enough to kill. when all this is revealed in court petenshy demands proof that the stolen treasure is in the room as if it isn't he has no motive. it turns out the contents of the box was that very key, and viridian has it now. thanks to holmes's ~scientific investigation tools~ the treasure is found the next day: a studded dog collar with a crest with the letter B... and blood on the inside. holmes immediately reacts and makes gregson take custody of it. Iris wants to publish stories about viridian's incident and souseki's experiences in the haunted apartment but holmes tells her that she must not publish the latter...

Date: August 4, 2017 Chapter: 3, investigation day 2

Link: https://pastebin.com/ukhTFYfd

asougi: while his body was supposed to be sent off the ship (probably for burial), it's actually missing and the grave in japan has no body in related matters the masked man started working under barok three months ago and has no past memories. susato thinks masked man is asougi and calls out his name. he stops and slowly repeats the name to himself before leaving.

experiment: the machine is examined again and there seems to be a trap door like mechanism under where the cage would be. the cage itself also has some damage on the bottom. ryuu gets drebber's business card from dovinbow which has an oil stain on the back. However, this is special oil imported from france so gina uses toby (warning: extremely cute) to find drebber's workshop. I just got here but there's another copy of drebber's machine here without that door on the bottom

case 10 years ago: some guy that everyone calls Professor murdered five people of noble standing using a hunting dog to tear their throats out. drebber apparently saw him climb out of his own grave but the story was quickly wrote off. however in the wax exhibit displaying this scene, there's a piece of crystal tower glass in the professor's clothes and blood on the bellows of drebber's camera...

Date: August 4, 2017 Chapter: end of 3, murder details

Link: https://pastebin.com/ChNDvwuX

10 years ago, a man only known as Professor was convicted of serial murder and sentenced to death... only he didn't actually die and sithe forged the papers to make it look like he did. back then, drebber was a poor college student who occasionally dug up bodies to sell to hospitals. one day he was in the cemetery when he saw the professor climb out of his own grave, with a steel mask on to conceal his face. drebber gets the shit scared out of him and a gunshot from behind him is fired, killing the professor for good (I don't think it was made clear who it was).

drebber runs the fuck out and tries to tell his story to someone but only a tabloid paper will hear him out and that's how the story spread. btw the author of the article is meningen.

in the present, meningen goes to drebber to ask him to build dovinbow's contraption and this is where drebber gets His Idea and the whole murder shit starts. the large amount of smoke coming out of the machine was to hide meningen's cage falling through the trap door. the cage that fell into the crystal tower came from drebber's balloon etc.(ok this stuff is from day one) the body in that cage was the professor's wax statue stolen from the museum. of course this means that drebber needed a conspirator, sithe in this case. she had to cooperate or else the truth behind the professor's death 10 years ago would be exposed. since her team had exclusive rights to the crime scene switching things was easy enough.

BUT, when she went to stab the screwdriver in the body to frame dovinbow things got kind of weird. meningen actually didn't die from the 30 foot fall. he was trying to get out but then sithe stabbed him (the true cause of death). she had a motive as well, because when meningen was still a reporter he looked into the professor shit, found out about sithe, and was blackmailing her for money (this is needed in court so I'm including it I guess)

Date: August 4, 2017 Chapter: end of 3, you know what this is

Link: https://pastebin.com/6Evy1UjV

After the trial barok asks ryuu and susato to meet in the courtroom. so the whole gang is there (+ masked man). barok begins to talk about why he has a disdain for the japanese

...16 years ago 3 japanese exchange students came. one is susato's father. and the other...... barok walks toward the professor's wax status in the middle of the courtroom. the mask on his head is locked, but he got the key from rozaic. as you can probably guess from the flow of this conversation it's a japanese guy. The reason why his identity couldn't be revealed is because it would have caused a shitstorm between japan and britain's growing relationship

suddenly the masked man begins trembling...... and then screams very loudly. I could already tell by the voice but he then proceeds to remove his cape and mask to reveal that yes, he is asougi. he rushes toward the professor and .........recognizes him as his father, one of the exchange students. ryuu and susato of course are fucking SHOOK and the three exchange brief comments before ryuu hands asougi back his sword (what the fuck I nearly cried here). he then cuts the head off of the statue. then he says he must go and leaves the courtroom.

(susato later says her father once spoke of a fellow exchange student dying of disease in london.....)

Date: August 6, 2017 Chapter: 5

Link: https://pastebin.com/Jfz5fTSK

jigoku admits to killing gregson in his cabin on the ship, keeping his body in the ship freezer to obfuscate the time of death, carrying the body in his large suitcase, planting the body at the crime scene (the unidentified gun there is jigoku's), and setting the fireworks to go off at a certain time. he also admits to being the head of the japanese side of the "exchange murder". these murders were actually carried out to silence two (john watson and gregson) that knew about the professor's autopsy report (rumored to be fake).

at some point it's established that the english head could have only been the actual death bringer. vortex argues that this is barok because he was the prosecutor in charge of the professor case but then barok reminds everyone that he only became that after his brother was killed and all the evidence and stuff was handed to him from vortex. from this point forward it's pretty obvious that vortex is the Big Bad but of course he doesn't lend an ear to that but we know that barok didn't do it yay

BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE

of course now we gotta find out the truth from 10 years ago vortex kinda just forgot that mikotoba was at the autopsy of klimt so he testifies as well as goulloyne (in place of sithe who was there too). the "critical" piece of evidence is genshin's ring that was found in klimt's stomach. the general knowledge is that klimt swallowed it to incriminate genshin. but thanks to goulloyne who (illegally) brought the ring to court, we find out that the ring has sharp edges which would leave marks in the body if swallowed. but the autopsy made no mention of anything like that. it becomes clear that the ring was stolen from genshin and then miraculously "found" by watson (who actually performed the autopsy). mikotoba thought it was strange that there was no damage in the body from the ring but was told by watson to write that the ring was swallowed in the report.

but wait... THERE'S EVEN MORE

why would genshin not object to a guilty verdict if he knew the ring was planted? it seems there was an "exchange" where in place of genshin remaining silent at the verdict, he would be assured escape from jail... at this point barricade and mitermont begin to testify and this is where I am now

Date: August 6, 2017 Chapter: 5 ver.

Shu Takumi MURDERED Me in Cold Blood and He's Standing There Laughing at Me

Link: https://pastebin.com/dv5vuA8E

VORTEX WTF

kilmt got tired of nobles getting more leeway in terms of illegal things so he decided to take matters into his own hands by becoming the professor vortex found out klimt was killing people as the professor and blackmailed him by threatening to tell his family. through this, he was able to decide the next victims. btw he asked for the third victim (the former chief justice) to be killed because he wanted that position...

genshin held suspicions and went to vortex, but the latter refused to do anything due to lack of evidence. genshin went straight to klimt and offered him a duel that culminated in klimt being killed. but before this klimt wrote a confession, which told of his deeds and identified his blackmailer

vortex couldn't just let the public know that a noble was behind the killings so decided to pin everything on genshin. this included everything about the fake autopsy. however the "exchange" to break genshin out of prison for making him accept the verdict ddidn't exactly go as planned (btw vortex made him agree by promising to let him go back to japan to see kazuma ;_;). vortex and jigoku were waiting in the cemetery when suddenly drebber saw genshin climb out of the coffin. vortex convinced jigoku to shoot his friend by threatening him with what would happen if he didn't and jigoku reluctantly pulled the trigger. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

and yes the person behind the death bringer curse was vortex

in the present, these facts are coming to light and everyone rightly freaks the fuck out. vortex is smug as usual and goes "ok but do you really think you guys can get me lul" however before genshin was sentenced he wrote a "will". it's two pages and pretty will-like in which he writes he leaves everything to his son. until vortex lets it slip that there are actually three pages. barricade just happened to bring it with him (the real mvp) and it says that the sword [karuma] will clear the darkness surrounding the truth and to turn your "head" with the sword in hand... the "head" actually refers to a certain part of the sword (No. 6 here http://www.nfa.co.jp/ag/images/word/keyimage1.jpg) ryuu twists it to find klimt's confession in there which pretty much seals the deal for vortex

but wait... THERE'S MORE

vortex gets all haughty again: yeah you guys found the truth but can you really just tell the public this? this insane batshit conspiracy would make everyone lose their confidence in the law and the police. ryuu then remembers the holmes doll that acted as a radio/walkie talkie to the iris doll earlier. he pulls on the ears t activate it and then... a hologram of sherlock holmes appears. he explains that since voice can transmit, why not images? (idk how he pulled this off but he's holmes) well then where's holmes??

remember this is a two way transmission holmes is in the buckingham palace and has been showing the entire trial to the queen of england

I hope you enjoyed the game as well as me having my mind blown away playing this on release.

Remember, there is no escape from Shu Takumi’s Wild Ride.

#not 水増

[cannedapricot]

Phantom Thief! Park Jihoon

This is legit the whole reason I’m starting this blog sovdbiosb. Inspired by Detective Conan, Saint Tail and the Cat’s Eye because they’re nostalgic asf and I love them. Also, Jihoon in a white suit would be a pleasant sight.

rightrightight ok

phantom thief! jihoon works with phantom thief! park woojin

they go by the name “PS”

which everyone thinks means something deep af

PS actually stands for “Pink Sausage”

but no one needs to know

everyone also thinks that it’s just one person

but in this au everyone’s clueless so please let it slide

what do they steal?

they steal hearts

lol jk

the two steal “priceless” paintings, sculptures and all sorts of art resulting in the town calling them art thieves

but the only art the duo steals are the ones that don’t belong where they are

they also drop not so subtle hints at the police about the illegal item

for example, there was this one time when an owner of a museum put up a painting of the famous “Cafe Terrace at Night” by Vincent van Gogh, claiming that it was the original

he wanted more publicity for the museum

surprise, surprise

it was a fake

the citizens were clueless lmao

so off went the pink sausages

the museum and the fake painting was the headline on next morning’s newspaper

how the two know of the frauds you ask?

associate! jisung runs a coffee shop down the block and overhears everything

you would think that the police would let them be because they’re doing the right thing, bUT NO

speaking of the police

you are the daughter of a famous detective who has solved many crimes

you’ve grown up seeing your dad work and reading detective novels

you were like, “i wanna be a detective lmao how hard can it be”

its hard

especially when you use your dad’s high position and become a junior detective of some sorts

and get assigned to the PS case

ok that’s fine but,

yOU’VE BEEN ASSIGNED TO THIS BLOODY CASE SINCE THIRD YEAR OF JUNIOR HIGH BUT YOUR ASS HAS BEEN CHASING AFTER THIS DUMB THIEF FOR THREE YEARS TO NO AVAIL

BUT THE WORDS “GIVE UP” DON’T EXIST IN YOUR DICTIONARY

“technically you could just let it slide and half ass your work,, i mean,,, they’re not stealing anything just for the sake of it-”

SLAMS DESK

“YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND JINYOUNG, STEALING IS STEALING AND THEY SHOULD FACE THE CONSEQUENCE FOR IT”

HUFFS AND WALKS AWAY

PS has been sending you calling cards on what, where and when they’ll be stealing something next

per your request of course

you kinda just screamed at one of the two one night while chasing them,

“heY, PS, YEAH YOU.”

HUFFS

“MAN, I’M NOT FIT ENOUGH STOP RUNN I N G”

“oK THAT’S IT IM STOPPING”

PS stopped to look at you in amusement

“I’M NOT LETTING YOU GO JUST BECAUSE IM NICE THOUGH,,,, NOT BECAUSE IM ABOUT TO DIE FROM SPRINTING” yeah, totally

“LOOK,,,, SINCE I’M SO NICE, CAN YOU AT LEAST NOTIFY ME WHEN YOU’RE GONNA STEAL SOMETHING NEXT??“

he left without answering you

you were dejected

but then a note came for you!!

yay!!!

not like it help a whole lot but,,,

back to the present,

so, you’re in your last year of high school

park jihoon and park woojin happen to go to the same school as you but you, for some reason, have never ran into either of them in your whole high school career

 you have but you’re oblivious af

 the two know you of course

they fucking notify you every fortnight about their heists how could they not know you

heck, everyone knows you

you’re that one detective who’s never solved a case

but because fate loves a good show, jihoon transfers to your chemistry class in the middle of year

you’re like

????

in the dab smack middle of the year??? what- how-

apparently, he somehow screwed up a experiment in physics and the teacher had enough lmao

wow what a great thief amirite

your class bursts into whispers as soon as he steps in the lab

you just,,,, sent an uninterested glace his way then buried your head in your arms and went back to sleep

 liSTEN,,,,, IT WASN’T YOUR FAULT THAT PS DECIDED TO WAIT UNTIL MIDNIGHT LAST NIGHT TO SHOW UP

“ok guys, this is park jihoon, he’s a new addition to the class.”

“ohmygod he’s adorable”

“bless the heavens for some eye candy at last”

“look y/n it’s a cute dude why aren’t you reacting”

“fuck off, daehwi”

“alrighty jihoon you can sit next to bae jinyoung at the back over there. raise your hand jinyoung”

jihoon heads over to jinyoung and brushes past you on his way

you glance up as he does and you thought you saw him smirk? ?? ? ?

“how tired am i tf”

it’s not your imagination, jihoon recognizes you

“y/N I WOULD APPRECIATE IF YOU PAYED ATTENTION TO CLASS”

“MR KIM YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND,,,,,, I’M TIRED”

“I DON’T CARE????? DO YOU WANT TO PASS OR NOT”

AGGRESSIVELY HUFFS

after the class, jihoon rushes up to you and asks for your chemistry notes

“hi! y/n is it? could i borrow your notes?”

“?? you couldn’t borrow baejin’s?? why me?”

“uh,,,, i couldn’t read his handwriting,,,,, yeah! that’s why!!”

sounds fake but ok

you end up surrendering your chemistry notes to him

“thanks y/n!! you’re a life saver!!”

runs off like the cutie he is

daehwi slides up to you with jinyoung in tow while wiggling his eyebrows

“jinyoung has really neat handwriting if you ask me”

“yeah well, you’re practically in love with him so you think everything about him is neat”

“i- you’re not wrong”

jihoon returns your book to you the next lesson and everything goes as per usual for the next two weeks

until the next calling card arrives with a bang

literally

you opened your book, expecting nothing to happen

but a fucking balloon went off above you or something the moment you opened it

and the calling card falls down with colored confetti onto your head

“i’ll be taking the sculpture from Jung’s house tonight -PS”

BITCHWHATTHEFUCK

normally, calling cards would arrive without much,,, pow

like in the mailbox

all the students around you were shook

as were you

jihoon was just,,,,,, hiding his grin

daehwi and jinyoung walk into the class, takes one look at you and goes,

“what happened to you”

“it looks like a unicorn pooped on you”

“thanks”

jihoon’s new hobby unlocked!

teasing y/n!

so from then on out, all the calling cards would arrive with a huge noise

you hated the attention you were getting along with it

people actually thought you worked with PS!!

ok but jihoon would have the time of his life planning

“should i just write jeojang on the school notice board and the details underneath?”

“.... jihoon, your dumb aegyo has nothing to do with our heist”

“fine,,, i’ll bake y/n a cake instead”

woojin just sighs

jihoon has actually gotten quite close with you recently

daehwi and jinyoung readily accepted him and woojin in your little squad and you guys would frequent jisung’s cafe after school iaubfisbfvis thATS ACTUALLY SO CUTE IM CRYING

jihoon’s favorite pastime was still teasing you though

like

you did worse that jihoon on that chemistry quiz?

you’re never gonna hear the end of it

you fell face first into mud?

jihoon still has video he recorded to this day

the five of you were really close and y’all thought you knew everything about each other

hahaha

nope

you still had no idea that woojin and jihoon were PS

ffs y/n

the people you’re basically obsessed with are right in front of you

actually, jihoon’s just as obsessed with you tbh

daehwi, jinyoung and woojin has caught him staring at you on multiple occasions

“uH,,,, I WAS,,,, STARING AT THE WINDOW NEXT TO Y/N HAHAH YEAH”

he likes you

all the teasing basically lead to this

it’s not that jihoon hasn’t realized

he knows

but he ain’t about to admit that

a thief liking a detective??? psssh how absurd

but in jihoon’s eyes, all you ever cared about was PS

was he jealous of himself? yes

you,,, kinda,,, sorta felt things towards jihoon as well

but you ain’t about to admit that either

likE WHENEVER HE DID THAT STUPID JEOJANG THING YOU WOULD RUN AWAY AND NOBODY KNOWS WHETHER IT’S OUT OF CRINGE OR YOU’RE JUST MELTING

so you two just stay in a relationship full of teasing

the whole school lowkey thinks you’re together tho

one night, you were standing in front of another “priceless” art

courtesy of jihoon’s card earlier in the day

“i’ll be taking the min’s painting tonight hehe~~<3 -PS”

oh how the cards have changed over time

remember when i said that everyone thinks that PS is one person

well, everyone included you up til tonight

you were just strolling around the painting by yourself

the cops were situated around the building

complete with two standing in front of the door to the room with the painting

the plan was for you to stay in front of the painting all night and if PS came, you would tackle that bitch and call for backup

then PS actually came and all hell broke loose

the cops were running around trying to catch him, forgetting what the initial plan was

but for some dumb reason, they forgot to notify you

resulting in you having no idea what was happening outside the room lol

until finally, some cop remembered notified you via handheld radio

“whAT THE FUCK DANIEL YOU NOTIFY ME NOW???”

“LOOK IM SORRY,,,, BUT PS IS STILL RUNNING AROUND THE HOUSE AND YOU NEED TO COME”

swearing under your breath, you decide to just sit and wait for PS to come into the room you were currently in

why run around if he was after the painting that you were right in front of

he’d have to come sooner or later

you then saw a shadow outside the window

white suite, white gloves and that familiar badge on his chest

no mistake, it had to be PS

and you rush to hide behind a corner

PS makes his way in and stands in front of the painting, seemingly admiring it

“it’s quite beautiful, such a shame that it was stolen”

iT WAS STOLEN????

THIS WAS THE NTH TIME YOU’VE GUARDED SOMETHING LIKE THIS

nonetheless, you act according to plan and lunge for him

but in a swift motion, he clutches the painting and avoids you

“whoops, watch your step” he says, chuckling

you let out a noise that resembled a growl at him and lunge yet again

but he was already out the door

you ran after him

picking up your handheld radio, you were about to call for backup when suddenly you meet with another person dressed in a white suit

but he didn’t have a painting in his hands

you stopped running, trying to figure out a sensible reason

the figure brushed past you and jumped out a window

then you receive exasperated message from cop! daniel stating that PS has gotten his hands on the painting and is now running away

not forgetting to question your whereabouts

you were now confused

you were 100% sure you saw PS run out with the painting

but then you ran into him without the painting the same time as daniel saw him with the painting

the thief got away that night but you called up your dad and told him that the painting was a fake

your dad whooshed over in record time

after doing his research your dad had found out that the painting had originally belonged to a woman in her 60s

the person you had met tonight before the case was a man in his 40s

your dad arrested him on the spot

you hardly slept that night

wondering about if PS was just one person, how could he be at two places in the same time

you concluded that PS was two people

spoiler, woojin was the distraction and jihoon was the person you saw take the painting

you tried to convince your coworkers the next day but they wouldn’t believe you

in fact, they had gotten more suspicious of you

you were the only person who wasn’t there during the chase

YOU WORK WITH A BUNCH OF IDIOTS

frustrated, you complained to jinyoung (who i forgot to mention, was a cop in training oops)

jinyoung believed you

he knew how hard you worked just to find out who this guy was

but he couldn’t do much to help

so he just comforted you

you were thankful for him (I’M SO SOFT IDBFUVIS)

with no one able to help you out, you decided to take matters inyour own hands

you were drained the next school day

jihoon felt bad for making you chase after him to no avail

so he did aegyo for you

it worked

sorta

woojin and jinyoung ended up dragging him out of class because of the second hand embarrassment though

daehwi just,,,,

cringed

really hard

you received another card three weeks later

“i’ll be after the “gem of the sea” necklace tonight. sorry for making you run all the time :c -PS”

???? is this thief apologizing???

anyways, this time, you were ready to find out who he was

it was a fool-proof plan

you see, you were familiar with this museum and knew it like the back of your hand

you were already starting to feel sad about ending the three year chase

that night, you were situated in front of the necklace

with a dozen cops because they didn’t trust you lmao

the necklace was a beautiful royal blue and you could understand why people loved it

it shone even in the moonlight

when the clock hit ten, all lights were cut off in the room and turned back on in a matter of seconds

but the necklace was gone in the mere seconds the light turned off

cops started to stream out the door of the display room, running everywhere trying to catch the thief

you were about to do the same

but daniel stopped you

“nuh uh kiddo, let me check your pockets first”

“ kang danIEL ARE YOU SUSPECTING THAT I TOOK IT?”

“yes”

so you were held back for a minute

you didn’t even give daniel time to apologize for suspecting you before you were out the door

cop! seongwoo announced that he saw PS in the left wing

but you head towards the right wing, knowing that there were two of them and the one seongwoo saw was likely a distraction

your suspicions were confirmed when you catch a glimpse of white

it was jihoon with the necklace

he was casually strolling towards the storage room where he would make his escape

jihoon had no idea you were after his ass

but as soon as he neared the window of the storage room, you appeared in the doorway

huffing because wow that was the quickest you had ever been

jihoon turned to you, the full moon shining through the full-length window behind him

it was a breathtaking sight

buT YOU COULDN’T SEE HIS FACE DAMMIT

“oh, it seems as though i’m cornered”

“yOU,,,,, DON’T PLAY WITH ME,,,, WHO ARE YOU”

“PS, obviously”

SCREAMS INTERNALLY

“NO SHIT”

he chuckled, pulling the necklace out of his pocket

“after this? it’s quite pretty isn’t it? almost as pretty as you are”

holy shit

is this thief

f l i r t i n g with you????

you blushed

but blamed it on the exercise lmao

“dON’T CHANGE THE SUBJECT-”

“it’s a shame that i can’t just steal you away”

PARK JIHOON YOU SMOOTH FUCKER

HE SAYS THIS NOW AS PS BECAUSE HE HASN’T GOT THE GUTS TO SAY IT NORMALLY AS PARK JIHOON

but jihoon then notices that he’s taking way too long and woojin would beat his ass if he took longer

looking down, he finds a couple of cops below, waiting to see of anyone tries make an escape

jihoon sighs, opting to escape another way

aka jumping across trees until he reaches jisungs mini van lmao

so as you jump for nth time at time

he brushes past you whispering in that deep ass voice,

“i’ll save you in my heart instead”

leaving you shook af

“why did that remind me of that stupid jeojang thing jihoon does?”

WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS

you think you have a little crush on PS (with his low pitch voice lmao)

but your heart also goes crazy around park jihoon (and his high pitched voice obvfisbv)

you’re just like,

“fuck”

“do i really like two guys at once”

it’s one dude

but you didn’t need to know that

this was long and kinda crappy but here’s my first au!! sorry there wasn’t much jihoon here aaaa

please give me some feedback on how it was,,,, 2.7k words is a lo t, should i try make my next one shorter?

please ignore any mistakes haha,,,, i’m really tired and don’t wanna proof read fsovbuiqoebvo

thank you all for reading my shit though <3333

#wanna one #park jihoon #produce 101 #wink boy #phantom thief! au #pink sausage duo #lmao #kpop #kpop scenarios #wanna one scenarios #park jihoon scenarios #wanna one imagines #wanna one aus #park jihoon imagines

[transcriptroopers]

Army Jargon Masterpost

It’s finally here! ScriptSoldier’s Army Jargon Masterpost. This is a list of army slang as best as I can recall it, but I do not consider it fully complete. This is the slang I can remember as best I can or with as little input as possible. As such this masterpost will never be entirely complete and will be updated periodically, so check back frequently and make sure you’re always up to date! A note: I have avoided putting most of the more offensive slang, but there is some slang that has sexual allusions and probably others too. It’s hard to fully weed everything out. I’ve also only gone up to battalion level because that’s as far as the average soldier is probably worried about, but there’ll be more information on my military units post. Please also remember that this is  1) An ARMY Jargon post, so no kidding there’s no AF/USMC/Navy slang on it. 2) Jargon can often be specific to certain parts of the army or even certain units, meaning I’ve inevitably missed some and there will inevitably be slang on this list that’s uncommon except in certain circles. It’s jargon. By nature it’s impossible to fully catalog it.

Was this post informative? Entertaining? Eye-opening? Then consider supporting SPC Kingsley on Patreon!

AAR: After Action Review. A constructive criticism session upon completion of a task or mission.  ACH: Advanced Combat Helmet. Also see Kevlar. Ack-ack: artillery fire, especially anti-aircraft. In one of my units, we used “ack-ack” to sound like duck quacking, and it was a mocking noise to make when one talked for too long/too fast. Across the pond: deployed.

ADA: Air Defense Artillery. My branch. AER: Army Emergency Relief. A loan program for those in sudden need for emergency funds. A difficult process; one must either already be negative on bills or need the cash that instant. Preparatory loans are not allowed. AIT: Advanced Individual Training ...and a wake up: military unit of time. Accounts for the days left until a given date, plus the date itself being accounted for as “a wake up.” So if you had three days left in the field, you might say “two days and a wake up.” It makes people feel like there’s less time left because on the final day, the hardest part is just waking up. AO: Area of Operations.  Arms: with “present arms,” refers to your salute. Otherwise, refers to your weapon.

As you were: return to your task, ignore my previous command. At ease: an actual command, but is also used to say “relax” or “shut up and listen up.” BA1100N: A hazing gag. The soldier is sent to find a “B-A eleven-hundred November,” which said in that manner sounds like it might actually be a real item. The joke is that the soldier runs around asking everyone where to find one until they realize that a BA1100N would spell...”balloon.” BAH: Basic Allowance for Housing. When you’re married, living off post, or in other certain situations, the army gives you a monthly allowance for housing. It’s based off of the mean monthly living rate for the area, so garrisons in pricier areas give higher BAH. Barracks rat: an enlisted soldier who never leaves the barracks, an introvert. BAS: Basic Allowance for Sustenance. When you’re married, living off post, or in other certain situations, the army gives you a monthly allowance for food. It’s based off of the mean monthly food rate for the area, so garrisons in pricier areas give higher BAS. BAS can also mean “Battalion Aid Station.” Battalion: a unit of about 400 to 800 troops lead by a battalion commander, a battalion XO, and a sergeant major. There’s usually three to six battalions in a brigade. Battery: in ADA, “companies” are called “batteries” for no particular reason. Battle buddy: most common in training like BCT and AIT. A comrade who accompanies you. You can’t go anywhere without a battle buddy during training, which includes going to the DFAC or the gym or the PX. Battle buddies must either be in gender pairs (mxm or fxf) or two and one (2mx1f, 2fx1m). Battle-Rattle: tactical gear, especially the gear designated specifically as “combat gear.” BC: Battalion Commander. Can also mean “battery commander” in ADA units.

BCGs: Birth Control Glasses. Very ugly standard-issued glasses. BCT: Basic Combat Training. Beer-thirty: after work, where you can change into civilians and drink beer. Beer vouchers: cash, especially cash received as Per Diem. Behoove: Look, this is a real word, not slang, but army people use it so much it makes me think it’s not a real word. Every soldier has been told, “It would behoove you,” with “behoove” sounding more like “behoooooove.” Blue Falcon: “buddy fucker.” One whose actions directly and negatively affected a comrade. Blue on Blue: friendly fire Board (the): a promotion board, typically consisting of NCOs from the soldier’s unit or the unit above them. Soldiers must pass the board to be eligible for promotion, and it includes basic army knowledge, knowledge appropriate of the rank you’re aiming for, correct wear of the uniform, and proper etiquette when addressing the board. BOHICA: “Bend Over, Here it Comes Again.” Literally, to be fucked by your unit repeatedly to the point of absurdity. Boots ‘n ‘chutes: Airborne slang; all of your gear/equipment. Brass: super high-ranking officers, like flag officers. Sometimes includes colonels. Brass can: a container used to harvest spent shells from a rifle range. Typically just an empty ammo can. Breach and clear: a fireteam entering a building and performing threat assessment, including firing upon enemies if needed. Brokedick: a soldier on profile, especially one that is on permanent profile and can’t do PT. Broken: on profile, i.e. disabled. Especially of those with chronic pain and/or who can’t do PT. Bubblegut: indigestion, food poisoning. Results in a bubbling gut and diarrhea. Butterbar: a second lieutenant, so-named for their golden bar rank. Often implying incompetence. Cadre: another real word that is used a lot in the army for a specific purpose: those who train other soldiers, specifically of one whose primary purpose is this. Cattle car: a method of mass transportation, which sometimes might actually be a cattle car. Charlie Foxtrot: a clusterfuck.

Chow: food, typically a complete meal. CIF: Central Issue Facility, aka where you get your tactical gear. CIF is also used to refer to gear received from CIF. Civvies: civilian clothes, particularly of a soldier’s civilian clothes. Clear (one’s weapon): to safely ensure that a weapon is unloaded and placed on safe. Clearing barrel: a stationary barrel or box with sand or sandbags inside. While clearing a weapon in it, any accidental discharge will harmlessly hit the sand. Combat arms: branches of the army whose members are likely to see or be involved in a combat situation. Includes roughly 33% of the army population. Company: a unit of about 70 to 250 soldiers, led by a company commander, a company XO, and a first sergeant. There are usually three to six companies in a Battalion. Command of Execution: the part of the command on which soldiers execute the command. Can be a command on its own (fall in) or a command preceeded by a preparatory command (left face). Command voice: a good, strong, clear voice.  Counseling: a verbal and written statement addressing a soldier’s actions. Can be good or bad. Counselings stay in the troop’s file for up to two years. CP: Check point. Can also mean “command post.” Death Blossom: firing your weapon wildly and randomly in hopes of hitting something. Detail: a task, an assignment, especially a menial one like setting up before a ceremony. Often requires being voluntold. DFAC: Dining Facility. Basically a cafeteria where enlisted eat free. 

Doggone: another real (ish) word I’m including. A polite swap for “goddamn.” Donkey dick: a metal fuel nozzle that attaches to gas cans for easier fueling. Down range: (1) on an active range, actively shooting on a range (2) deployed Drill and Ceremony: formal marching techniques, marching commands, so on. Earpro: ear protection, usually small insertable ear plugs. Standard battle-rattle. EOF: Escalation of Force. The steps you have to take when before escalating to deadly force. They often include things like ordering to halt, demanding identification, informing you have a weapon, express intent to fire weapon, things like that. There are exceptions and every unit’s EOF is different. A unit in a non-combat zone would likely have a much tighter EOF to avoid any incidents. ETS: Expiration Term of Service: soldier’s contract has expired, soldering is “ETS-ing,” or preparing to leave the army. Often a process involving numerous paperwork, appointments, classes, and returning gear. Eyepro: eye protection, such as goggles or safety glasses. Standard battle-rattle. Fall in: formally, assemble into the proper unit formation. Informally, gather around, come closer. Fall out: formally, dismissed from a formation. Informally, permission leave or go somewhere. Fart sack: sleeping bag Field/Field Exercise: essentially, a war game. Your unit goes to a specified location where you’ll live (usually in tents outside) and perform various training exercises/war simulations, usually those relevant to your MOS. These can last for a day or two to several weeks. There’s often no showers, large tents with a couple dozen cots each, and a few port-o-johns. Fireteam: a unit of three to four soldiers. Fireteams are broken down from squads and contain a team leader. There are usually two to three fireteams per squad. Flag/Flagging: aiming your weapon at someone, usually on accident while carrying it wrong, and usually only briefly. FOB: Forward Operating Base, a secure base of operations that are typically either very close to enemy cities or pushed very far toward enemy territory.

Fobbit/Fobgoblin: Derogatory term, refers to one who never leaves the FOB and has a low chance of seeing combat. Fort Dragg: Fort Bragg, North Carolina. So-called because it’s a drag to be there. Fort Lost-in-the-woods: Fort Leonard Wood, Missouri. So-called because of its isolated location.

Front Leaning Rest (Position): push ups, or the position one assumes before beginning push ups.

FUBAR: Fucked Up Beyond All Recognition. Full-bird: an O-6 Colonel, so-named for their rank, which is an eagle. Used to differentiate between “colonel” and “lieutenant colonel” who are both referred to as “colonel.” Fuzzy: an E-1 Private, due to the bare velcro patch on their chest from having no rank. Gas chamber: training in which multiple soldiers are exposed to tear gas, made to recite something, (such as the national anthem or the Army Song) and then exit calmly. Guaranteed to encounter in BCT, may or may not enter again throughout the rest of the army. G.I. Party: a unit-wide cleaning effort. Can be a whole squad or a whole company. Usually of the barracks. Gig line: properly aligning your uniform so that the top, pants, and belt are a straight line.

Glass House: a house outline made of engineer tape. Used to practice breach and clear methods. Green berets: special forces, so-called because of their unique green berets. Groundpounder: Infantry, or any other unit in similar conditions. Grunt: ground soldier, particularly of infantry. ”Half right, face!”: the command that sets a unit up for doing push-ups. When we’re in formation and that’s what we hear, we all know what’s coming. Hero: used to mock a troop, particularly one who’s too enthusiastic or gung-ho. High speed: good, exceptional. Said of an exceptional soldier or of impressive equipment. Hooah: “Anything except no.” An acknowledgment, an agreement, a cheer, a greeting, a compliment, etc. Hot (of a range): if the range is hot, there are currently people firing. Hot shit: in the civilian world, this is a good thing. In the army, it means you’re garbage. IBA: Interceptor Body Armor. Kevlar vest. Standard battle-rattle. IED: Improvised Explosive Device. A homemade bomb hidden along roads and paths that vehicles and personnel are likely to follow. ID10T form: a hazing gag. People send lower enlisted out to find an “I-D ten tango.” Spells “idiot form.” Kevlar: though we do use a Kevlar vest, we specifically use “Kevlar” to refer to our helmets. Standard battle-rattle. KIA: Killed in Action. Died as a result of combat. KP: Kitchen Patrol. Junior enlisted have to assist the cooks in the DFAC as a regular duty. Can also refer to a “KP Tent,” which can be a pop-up DFAC in a field environment. Jimmy dean: an unheatable lunch. Usually has like a can or box or juice, a can of vienna sausages or beans and franks, a can of pringles, and maybe a granola bar or fruit cup. An inferior lunch to an MRE because it’s not hot. Jody: an imaginary archnemesis in the civilian world who’s stealing your friends, your significant other, your car, your dog, and everything nice in your life while you’re away. Joe: a soldier, usually one E-4 or below. Johnny-on-the-spot: timely, being in exactly the right position at exactly the right time. Latrine: toilet. Either a port-o-john or a full bathroom. Leave: Vacation time, holiday time. Must be approved by unit, can only be taken for as long as you have leave days. You earn 2.5 leave days per month, giving you 30 leave days per year. LES: Leave and Earnings Statement. Bi-weekly report documenting your earnings and leave accruement.  Lieutenant First-Class: A captain, so-called because a captain’s rank is merely two first lieutenant ranks. Often implies incompetence.  Lifer: people who remain in the army until retirement. Lima Charlie: loud and clear. Radio slang.  Lost in the sauce: Overwhelmed and confused, poorly comprehending Lottie, Dotty, Everybody: absolutely everyone, implying no exceptions. Also sometimes rendered as “ladi dadi everybody.” Also a cadence.

M16: standard rifle. 

M9: standard pistol.   Make a hole!: move, get out of the way. Usually said when a higher-up is cutting through a bunch of lower enlisted. Make the walls sweat: performing physical exercise so intensely that the walls develop condensation.  Medboard: getting medically discharged. Can also refer to the board of physicians that make such a decision. MedCorps: Medical Corps. MIA: Missing in Action. Mike: minute, as in “ten mikes until end of day.”

Move with a purpose: hurry up, make a concentrated effort to get somewhere. 

MP: Military Police   MRE: Meal, Ready-to-Eat. A portable, long-lasting, calorific meal for when soldiers don’t have access to a DFAC.

Muzzle discipline: properly carrying your weapon, especially so that it never points at another person accidentally. MWR: Morale, Welfare, and Recreation. Basically a rec center that has board games, books, wifi, sometimes a movie theater and food, sometimes a computer room. Nut-to-Butt: Quite close together, such that you’re actually pressed against the person to both your front and your rear. PCI: Pre Combat Inspection. Ensuring you have all of your gear and it’s operational. PCS: Permanent Change of Station, i.e. transferring from one post to another. PEN-15 Report: a hazing gag. The nomenclature when written looks like “penis.” PFT: Physical Fitness Test. We must complete a PT test twice a year to “maintain our physical fitness and combat readiness.” It’s just push ups, sit ups, and a two mile run.  Platoon: a unit with about twenty to forty troops, a platoon leader, and a platoon sergeant. There’s usually three to five platoons in a company. Pog/POG: A shitty soldier, a shammer. Pronounced like “rogue.” I’m under the impression that infantry also use this to differentiate between infantry and other soldiers, i.e. “People Other than Grunts.” Poggy bait: goodies, sweets, munchies. Pronounced like “hoagie.” Police call: picking up the trash in an area, usually in groups. POW: Prisoner of War. PowerPoint Ranger: one who’s often tasked in the unit with creating lectures, especially those with PowerPoints. Preparatory command: In a two part command, it’s the opening command, the part that makes soldiers ready obey the command of execution. Ex: “Left face,” left is preparatory, slight pause, then execution command, “face.” Not all commands have a preparatory command. Present Arms: the salute command. “Present” is the preparatory command and as such there is a slight pause between it and “arms.” Pricky six: A hazing gag. Sending a junior enlisted to a staff sergeant and asking them “do you know where I can find a pricky six?” E-6 is a staff sergeant’s nomenclature, so the question actually sounds like “a prick E-6?” Usually results in the E-6 smoking the junior enlisted for “calling them a prick E-6.” Extra tricky because the prick-6 was in fact an actual radio. Profile: Soldiers on profile are usually either ill or wounded such that they can’t do PT. Some soldiers are on permanent profile due, others receive a temporary profile for things like a sprained ankle. Some profiles only prevent certain exercises (i.e. no running, no jumping) and some prevent all PT.

PT: Physical Training. We have morning PT before starting work, usually around five a.m. to seven a.m. It sually lasts forty-five minutes to an hour, but can run longer, and is usually done by platoon or company. PT is usually a broader catch-all for physical exercise, ergo PT one morning may actually just be a game of basketball. PX: Post Exchange. Can be something as small as a corner store or something as large as a mini-mall. Usually at least has basic supplies (socks, 550 cord, sunblock) and goodies (candies, sodas, sometimes sandwiches). Larger ones can have food courts and several vendors and stores within.  Range: rifle range. We have to qualify on our weapons every arbitrary period of time (could be every two years, could be every six months) on the range. Ranger roll: (1) rolling one’s cap to adjust its wear on the head (2) rolling clothing very tightly to take as little space as possible. Rangerific: either means “a little too enthusiastic to where it’s annoying” or a sarcastic (sometimes sincere) “fantastic.” Depends on context. Rats: rations, i.e. food Rear D: rear detachment. The remnants of a unit after the rest of the unit has deployed. Red Berets: Airborne soldiers, so-called because of their uniquely red berets. Red on Red: enemies firing upon themselves. Relaxin’ Jackson: Fort Jackson, so-called because supposedly Fort Jackson is the easiest location to do basic training. Reveille: that really popular bugle call you always hear at daybreak. Not necessarily used to wake soldiers up anymore, but if you’re outside when Reveille sounds, you must turn toward the post flag (and you better know damn well what direction it’s in) and salute it until Reveille is over.

ROE: Rules of engagement. Like the EOF, it annotates how soldiers should react when engaging with others. It usually asserts that you have the right to return deadly force but you must exert minimum force on unarmed opponents and other such directives. Again, different for not only units but for stations as well.  Roger: affirmative. Roger-dodger: An enthusiastic affirmation. Is often said sarcastically. RPG: Rocket Propelled Grenade. Flying death. RSOP: Reconnaissance, Selection, and Occupation of a Position. Scouts terrain to determine its suitability and then prepares it for emplacement/maintains it for the unit. RTO: radio operator, can be but isn’t always necessarily a 25C. SATCOM: Satellite communications, usually referring to a satellite radio. Say again?: repeat your previous statement. Proper radio etiquette for requesting a repeat of information. SAM: surface-to-air missile. SAW: Squad Automatic Weapon, a Light Machine Gun. Screaming eagle: an airborne soldier or airborne unit. Shake and Bake: formally it refers to an extremely impressive barrage of explosives; informally it’s a positive encouragement or an expression of achievement. Sham: to be lazy, to cut corners, to get out of work. Shamshield: an E-4 Specialist, so-called because they often delegate all work to lower-ranked E-1 thru E-3.  Shamurai: a master of sham. A soldier who’s so lazy it’s impressive the lengths they go to avoid work. Shit hot: unlike hot shit, this is a compliment meaning “excellent, surpassing expectations.” We were often told “either you’re shit hot or you’re hot shit.” Shit-on-a-shingle: chipped beef on toast. It almost looks like sausage gravy, but with long pale strips of meat that look like skin. Tastes like ass. Can also be an exclamation of surprise or disgust. Sick Call: Enlisted must turn in a sick call slip to visit the TMC. It’s turned in before PT. The soldiers are then transported to sick call, which identifies their issue and whether they actually need to make an appointment at the TMC. Simply receiving things like ankle bandages or cough medicine does not require a trip to the TMC. Sick Call Ranger: a soldier who is constantly going to sick call, usually for numerous and exaggerated ailments. SITREP: Situation Report. 

Skillfully acquire: to obtain without going through the proper procedures/paperwork, i.e. stealing Smokin’ and Jokin’: hanging out, break time, cigarette break.  Smoking: punishing a troop with physical exercise.  SNAFU: Situation, Normal: All Fucked Up. Implying everything is fucked up but considering how frequently things are fucked up, this actually makes things normal. Soup Sandwich: a complete fuck up, a disaster. ”Start Pushing:” get down and do push ups. Used by a superior to a lower enlisted when they need to punish someone but they aren’t bothering going through the formal commands of getting them to front leaning rest. ”Stay in your lane:” literally, to remain in your appropriate lane on a firing range. To enter another’s range, especially when the range is hot, could result in a shooting incident. Informally, it means “stick to what you know.” Squad: a unit with about six to twelve troops led by a squad leader. There’s usually three to five squads in a platoon. TA-50: unit-issued CIF, tactical gear. Take a knee: kneel (with one knee, such that you could still shoot from the remaining knee if you needed to) to listen to a leader give a brief. Can also simply mean “take a break.” Tan berets: rangers, so-called because of their unique tan berets. To standard, not time: a task must be completed until it is properly done and how much or how little time it takes does not matter.  To the Color(s): apparently its proper name is singular, but I always heard it plural??? Anyway, often used after “Retreat” to signal the end of the work day and the daily lowering of the flag. As with Reveille, you must face toward the flag and salute it until To the Colors is over. TOC: Tactical Operations Center. Also sometimes cut into TOC and BTOC with B standing for “battalion” to separate it from the brigade TOC. I worked at TOC for a while myself; that was fun. Top: a nickname for a company First Sergeant. Between familiar soldiers, “top” can be used instead of having to address your first sergeant as “First Sergeant.” Troop: refers to any enlisted soldier.  TMC: Troop Medical Center. Can be as small as a trailer or as large as a clinic. For receiving basic treatment not requiring a specialist. Includes vaccinations, medications, eyeglasses, and so on.

Tracking: following, comprehending Voluntold: when leadership ask for “volunteers,” and then wind up choosing people to do a detail, making it less “volunteer” work and more “voluntold.” Walker: one who walks instead of runs for their PT test due to a permanent profile. Weekend Warrior: National Guard. Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot: what the fuck XO: Executive officer. At the company level this is usually a first lieutenant, right-hand to company commander.  Zero dark-thirty: Obscenely early in the morning, such that it is still essentially the middle of the night. Zonk: a very specific command given before beginning PT. Without warning the leader of the unit will say, “zonk!” and troops have ten seconds to get out of sight. If they succeed, they get PT off. If they fail, they continue to do PT. Theoretically. Sometimes they still get let go. An infrequent but joyful occurrence. Soldiers sometimes refer to this as “getting zonked.”

Zulu time: Greenwich Mean Time. Explanation here. Zulu time is often used on reports, especially reports that go across time lines.

11 Bang-Bang: Infantry, so-called because their MOS is “11B.” 15 minutes prior: Even if a company formation is to be held at 0600, your platoon sergeant will want you to arrive prior to that to ensure all is well and no one is chewed up. Therefore, leaders will often ask you to arrive 15 minutes prior, meaning 15 minutes before the appointed formation time. This can be compounded, resulting in 15 minutes prior-to-15 minutes prior-to 15 minutes prior, or forty-five minutes early. 249: M249, aka SAW. 50 cal: a .50 caliber Browning Machine Gun 550 Cord: Paracord, a small, thin, durable rope cord. Military’s duct tape. 9 mil: standard pistol (Beretta)

99Z: “Combat Ninja.” An imaginary MOS to describe those who excel in combat. Phonetic Alphabet While this isn’t strictly speaking military jargon, it’s essential to know, so here I am including it.

A: Alpha B: Bravo C: Charlie D: Delta E: Echo F: Foxtrot G: Golf H: Hotel I: India J: Juliet K: Kilo L: Lima M: Mike N: November O: Oscar P: Papa Q: Quebec R: Romeo S: Sierra T: Tango U: Uniform V: Victor W: Whiskey X: Xray Y: Yankee Z: Zulu

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