#ALSO I’ve improved a ton since the last time I did one and I think that’s also v rad

[littleholmes]

from busted, slashed, and bloody to clean and healed in one move after using reverse cursed technique to heal his cursed technique and then attack Sukuna—

That wasn’t easy, indeed. Gojo cut that way too close for comfort but that was a WILD display of just how quickly Satoru can shift gears and prioritize his energy in a fight, but also what he’s improved since he was a teen and fought Toji.

I’d hoped he’d heal from that cliff hanger attack since he’s always had reverse cursed running Post-Toji incident, and he did—which is a relief (as I said before, you never know when Gege will decide to take someone). But that last attack, and really this whole chapter, I was reminded of that convo in 76 when Satoru used those Toji fights to learn where he needed to improve and shifted his energy.

Having Limitless and Reverse Cursed running uses up a ton of energy but it also keeps him safe from the constant attacks he’s been under since he was a baby because he’s the Six Eyes. It also means he’s always thinking with a fresh brain, so, as chaotic as he is sometimes, he’s sharp and that translates to his quick thought when he’s in battle.

We saw that this chapter when he shifted his technique from healing himself physically to healing his technique (yo, I heard you like techniques so I…)

Yuta noticed what he was doing after everyone started to get highly concerned that Gojo was taking blow after strike from Sukuna with no healing in between and it looked like he’s going to lose and die.

But Gojo isn’t the type to just take it, and he didn’t. That final blow of using Red at point blank range to send Sukuna flying into his Shrine was an excellent show of how Gojo started working post-Toji incident to improve and prioritize how he can keep himself safe and fight better—and whew Satoru Gojo really did put in that work.

In the panel grab above from 76, teen Gojo said he wanted to work on teleporting further, and now adult Gojo can go far in, like, less than a blink-level fast.

He wanted to work on using less energy with Limitless—and he has, it’s constantly running but takes like no energy. And he wanted Reverse running always and he pretty much has ever since Toji practically killed him.

He also wanted to work on activating Red and Blue, and as adult he can and does, which we’ve seen before with Hollow Purple and his use of Red and Blue individually. We saw this very clearly here in 226.

He already perfected his goal to ‘minimize hand signs’ at the time and we saw that in this chapter and a few times in previous ones.

Gojo has thoroughly progressed, and now in this chapter, we see him bring it all together to ensure his survival with Sukuna’s domain and technique overpowering his.

He took a significant blow physically and healed that with Reverse but then between his depleting energy and technique and his physical damage and opening a simple domain, he’s used up so much he had to make the choice to shift Reverse from healing himself physically to healing his technique while taking a bunch of hits and damage from Sukuna. Then once his technique was healed enough he used his speed, probably teleporting, to get close to Sukuna at just the right moment to use Red so he could heal physically and send Sukuna flying in one move.

He effectively prioritized in a way that none of the students and friends saw coming.

He used everything he improved upon over the years since the Toji fights and managed to make it out of another close call (albeit this one closer than most).

idk I’m rambling but this chapter was amazing, I loved all the speculation from all the characters, but I enjoyed seeing this part of the fight and seeing that progression in Gojo from 76 to now. (And also I’m gonna tag my friend @theanimepsychologist here because these last few chapters have been so incredible I’m sure I’ve missed something)

#jjk #jjk 226 #jujutsu kaisen #satoru gojo #gojo satoru #jjk manga spoilers #sukuna #jjk analysis #idk i’m rambling #jjk thoughts #yuta okkotsu #ryoumen sukuna #satoru gojou #jjk manga #jjk meta #megumi fushiguro #jujutsu kaisen analysis #jujutsu kaisen meta #gojou satoru #jujutsu kaisen manga #okkotsu yuta #yuuta okkotsu

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if i don’t directly voice my concerns?

I (18NB) am a bit into my first year at college. i have two roommates- one of them (J, 19F) is wonderful and honestly one of my best friends here. the other (M, 18?NB) i don’t have much in common with but is overall a chill person. except for one thing.

both J and i have noticed a bunch of little things around our dorm- dishes piling up or disappearing (especially cutlery, which frustrates me bc i bought it), the water pitcher being left out or nearly empty, the microwave being stopped with 2-3 seconds still on it (petty yes but it bugs us) the toilet seat being left up (M is the only amab), notes asking for someone to take out the trash (if you have time to leave a note why not do it yourself?) and, probably worst of all, our door is often left unlocked, including at night. since neither of us were doing these things (plus times we had directly witnessed it), we concluded it had to be M.

M also does a couple things that violate the actual rules of living in our hall- they’ll bring people in on short notice or without notice (while i’m normally fine with this, having a space to myself is really important to me and i like knowing if someone will come in), and also take distracting phone calls even when we’re studying (i usually turn up my headphones to drown out the noise)

a couple weeks ago J and i brought these up in our roommate group chat disguised as a “check-in” to prevent M from feeling ganged up on. we all set boundaries and agreed to work on them.

some of these did improve! our pitcher is filled more (though i have started seeing it nearly empty again lately), less dishes get left out (i’m still missing some of my cutlery though), and we all have assigned chores for each week.

but a lot of it hasn’t. our door, for example, still gets left unlocked a ton. not only am i too paranoid for that, but also we recently got an official warning about someone who was breaking into dorms at night and watching people sleep, so locking the door is extra important right now.

i want to bring this up, because i know if i don’t do anything, i’m gonna have all this built up frustration and i’m really not interested in snapping. however, when we all first moved in together, M was really set on sticking to the rules we set up and even proposed like half of them (ironic i know). it gave me the impression that if i said anything directly, i’d either hurt their feelings or accidentally put them on the defensive. i don’t wanna go to the RA about it unless i absolutely have to, either, since that’s a one-way ticket to grudge town and the dorm really doesn’t need that tension (i will as a last resort if J and i agree it’s necessary, though.)

i’ve been thinking of finding subtle ways to encourage M to follow the rules more- maybe a sticky note on the door saying “don’t forget to lock me!” or something like that. i could explain that as a reminder for myself and avoid any animosity that way.

however, i also know i’m a bit too conflict avoidant and i really really really don’t want to be petty. that said, i want to resolve the situation with as little bitterness as possible, and if this doesn’t work, i’ll try to get myself to actually be assertive. so uhhh. WIBTA if i try to indirectly encourage my roommate to respect our boundaries?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[moltenraider]

Fortnite mains

Having a main on Fortnite is something special, loving and caring about a skin that has little to no story and yet playing as them everyday really is different than the normal fandom brainrot experience

And today I want to talk about the character that was my Fortnite main

This is Sig

He was introduced on Chapter 2 Season 2, the Spies! Season (known to be the Midas Season and one of the best season)

I have NO IDEA why I started liking him, looking back at his design, he is pretty boring(? Nor even handsome, I do think his model was used for more skins(? Maybe to ones with the face covered. But as you can see looks weird

I really don’t remember why I just connected with him, not even with the first time he came on the item shop, it was later because I remember I waited for months for him to come again, and man, the day I bought him, since that day I used him non stop until I quit playing fortnite on chapter 3 season 3

Naturally, I also drew him a ton

And a lot of things happened since then, I created lore for him, I named him (his name is Sig, in my head his whole nickname was “Signature” and his real name was Edén)

I remember I used him to roleplay, which was what really made me create a deep story and give him characteristics. For example, I explained his white hair and skin by him having albinism (which is not that creative lmao) I also explained that he is always wearing dark glasses because his eyes are very sensitive to light, he was mainly a hacker. And probably one of the most important things I HC for him is that he loves frogs

This was before Fortnite added animals, and when the animals came on the Primal season I WAS SO DAMN HAPPY LMAO

So then, that I made this drawing of him as a frog

And I continued using him, playing with friends, having fun, all while I was going through some hard stuffs on my life (pandemic included)

So Sig really became a HUGE comfort character for me, it’s probably the character that I’ve feel more comfort with, and when I think about him to this day, I still smile by just remember the good times I spend while wearing him on Fortnite.

Of course there was some shitty things happening (like people calling him one of the ugliest skins hfjfh. I mean, kinda) but honestly I don’t care anymore haha

At the time I was so pissed tho, but I understand now.

When I had my 20 birthday I even asked a frog to be drawn on the cake, and it was because of him. I don’t have a pic of that, but that happened fr.

And another important thing about Sig is that he was actually the character I used to learn how to draw nsfw and suggestive stuffs, which to me is REALLY important, cuz this might sound crazy but learning that helped me improve my art an insane amount (just think that at the time I didn’t practice much naked human figure. And when I started doing so, my anatomy learn when to a peak. Yes, drawing nsfw helps with learning anatomy)

So he was also important to me artistically speaking

And while writting this I just realize how important he really was to me in so many ways, and for a character that only has a name and one stupid sentence for description, that is…

Crazy

At last, when I was stepping away from fortnite for personal reasons (and also because my switch was dying) I really wanted to keep Sig in some way

So I made this character, which is clearly based on everything I did with him so far

His name is Caesar, he is a frog

And he was going to be just that, but after all this and him carrying everything that Sig means to me. He is not just a frog character

He is my sona, my second sona to be exact, being the first one The Vicepresident

And that’s the story of how a fortnite skin became so important to me that I made them an actual original character

Right now, playing fortnite again… it might sound weird, but I don’t use Sig anymore, it doesn’t mean I don’t love him anymore, I still do. But his period as my main skin ended years ago, and I don’t want to ruin those beautiful experiences I had with him back then

That’s why he was my main, and now, I’ll wait for other skin to come and be my new Sig.

#thoughts #fortnite #sig

[notyetfixed-a]

as the year has ended, i just wanted to make a post and thank all of you here for helping me find my love of writing again ♥️ i haven’t written for fun in over three years, so i was nervous about jumping back into it.

below, i wanted to thank a handful of people because of how much they’ve helped me in the year that i’ve made my return ♥️

@intothewildsea : ARLO. YOU HAVE ALWAYS BEEN HERE FOR ME THROUGH EVERY ROUGH PATCH, EVERY MISSING SPELL, AND EVERY COME BACK!!!! YOU ARE MY FUCKING RIDE OR DIE ON THIS BLOG AND ILYSM!!!!! YOU’RE THE REAL OG UP HERE!!!! 9 YEARS AND GOING STRONG!!! I CANT WAIT TO SEE WHAT SHENANIGANS OUR SHIPS GET INTO NOW!!!!

@thegreatstrongbow: HEATHER!!!! YOU’RE ALSO ANOTHER ONE OF MY BELOVED RIDE OR DIES HERE!!! thank you so much for writing with Fin. especially when i was so repetitive back in the old days 😂 i have gone back and reread so much of my old blog and i cringe at my old writing. but you? you have always been so amazing and i absolutely adore you and thank you for loving my canon divergent princess as you have ♥️ you’ll never understand how much i treasure you ♥️ in a community full of people who refuse to interact with female muses, there you and beleg were ♥️ it makes my heart very happy to have you in my life almost 9 years later ♥️

@reining-disaster : you were the first person to interact with ANY of my tavs. you just went right into it with my fresh muse and my fresh writing. without your help, i dont know if i wouldve broken into the community as i did ♥️ you are a lovely human being and i owe you a lot! i hope the new year is kind and generous to you and yours ♥️

@never-surrender: ilysm holy cow ive never made such a fast friend in any community and i have got to say, you have pulled me out of my shell when it comes to just dropping new characters and pulling ideas out of me and i adore you so ♥️ you’re one of my best friends, even though we haven’t been friends for long, and i can’t wait to make my trip to see you this year ♥️♥️

@seeliecourt : omg hamlet i adore you so ♥️ thank you so much for taking all this crack and fluff and shipping our adorable muses together ♥️ molly has become so well rounded and more thought out from what i originally had them penned to be. with all the universes and all the different ways we have talked about them, i feel like i know this muse more than i ever have ♥️ it has been such a pleasure becoming your friend and writing partner ♥️ im so excited to see what shenanigans we come up with this year!

@lordgortrash/@sunderdust: you have ABSOLUTELY challenged me! with all the plots and all of the prompts, i have tried to match your creativity. it has honestly improved my writing since i first started, and even though we haven’t had a TON of interactions, what asks/threads we do have has definitely taught me how to think like my characters more than i ever have in my life. thanks to you, i turned colette into this amazing, well thought out dark urge instead of the boring, no name NPC she was in the beginning. i honestly hated her character when i fleshed her out, but us talking about her dark urge verse just snapped something in me and i kept running with it and now i have one of my most favorite oc ive ever created. it may seem small, but it is a tremendous delight being able to write with you ♥️ i still get so excited like a fangirl when you like any of my posts or send me asks because that’s how much i look up to you ♥️

@eritvita: omg celeste you are one of the most adorable, kind, and loving person i have met in this last year ♥️ i absolutely adore that you always make sure that what we write is safe and that you’re not pushing any boundaries ♥️ you have definitely become one of the people i look up to when it comes to inclusivity and just being all around a genuine human being who cares about your friends ♥️ our threads make me cry on a daily basis because of how sweet our ships are and I cannot wait to reply any time i see a notification pop up ♥️ thank you for loving my muses and being such an all around wonderful person ♥️

@arsonshub: just wanted to give you a shout out on here as well ♥️ what was once me being a shy potato on your live stream about muses and lolth’s religion has now turned into a friendship I can’t wait to develop! it’s been so fun nerding out with you about YouTube series and our adorable little ship ♥️♥️♥️

@apalestar: thank you so very much for taking my chaotic bhaalspawn and being just as chaotic with me ♥️ i am absolutely adoring all our interactions, crack or canon ♥️ i am adoring each and every little thing we do and I can’t wait to see where the future takes these two murder hobos ♥️ seriously, though, thank you for always being kind, even when i send you ridiculous shit at two in the morning lol!

If I didn’t mention your name, I just want you to know that I’m thankful for you, too!!! You all have helped me find my love of writing again and I can’t imagine where I’d be without your support! I know I’m chaotic and all over the place and don’t respond at good times or maybe I post too much, but I’m loving being here again and I couldn’t have done it without ANY of you on my blog♥️ so thank you!

And with that! Happy New Years and Happy Munday!!!

#( such tomfoolery | ooc ) #mun speaks #i just want y’all to know how much i love you guys #thank you for helping me find my love of writing again #seriously #I’d be lost without you guys

[musette22]

Obviously, 2022 was a shitshow in many regards. Lots of bad stuff happened, particularly in the world in general, and in my personal life, too. Nevertheless!

I’d like to take a minute to acknowledge the good things that happened in my life as well, because while they don’t won’t make the bad things any better, the good things matter, too – they’re just easier to forget 🙃

So because I love making lists, I made a list! And then debated whether or not to post it on here or to just keep it to myself and my loved ones, but eh, what’s the harm in sharing? Most of you won’t be interested in reading about all this of course, but maybe some of you are, and maybe it’ll remind someone else of the good things that happened in their life as well. Who knows.

So, here goes (I’ll start off with some fandom things and put the more personal stuff & some pics under the cut):

Most importantly (lol) (no but really): I finally saw Chris in the flesh this year, at the Lightyear premiere in London, on his birthday. AAAHHH 😭💙🌟

Sebastian was nominated for an Emmy and a Golden Globe this year!!! 🏆

Both our boys had a highly successful 2022 and we got so much amazing content from both of them ✨️

I made some wonderful new fandom friends (you know who you are) who made this year infinitely better, and this fandom gained a ton of incredibly talented authors and artists whose beautiful writing I got to enjoy. Thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for making my own & many people's lives a little (a lot) better 💘

I wrote a few fics that I’m really proud of this year (even if I’d have liked to have written more) and I'd like to think I’ve grown and improved as a writer compared to last year✍️🏻

I got another Stucky tattoo ❤️

I met up with some very awesome fandom pals in real life, twice! @ohhsodebonair & @puppypeter - I love you to bits 🥰💫

I got to go back to some of my absolute favourite cities in the world in 2022. I went to London (and Oxford) twice this year, and I saw some of my best friends again for the first time since moving back to the Netherlands/since the pandemic, which was absolutely wonderful 🇬🇧

I went back to Italy, for the first time in years and spent a couple of glorious weeks in Florence and Venice in springtime, drinking wine and revisiting all my fave spots from when I used to go there a lot as an art history student 🇮🇹

I went back to New York in the autumn and also got to see beautiful Boston for the first time, and had an amazing vacation there which included a few other first times as well (first time seeing Harvard, first time seeing the Phantom of the Opera on stage, first time visiting Madison Square Garden, first visit to the MoMA and seeing Starry Night etc.) 🇺🇸

I’ve been self-employed for a few years now, and this year was a considerably better one for my business than last year (I put in the hours too, maybe a little too many hours, but it did yield results) 🪙

I spent lots of time with my friends and their little ones and got to see them grow and turn into amazing little people 🥺💖

I got back on track with running and am back to doing weekly 10ks now 🏃🏻‍♀️

I started doing Duolingo again for Italian and it went way better than expected (all that stuff I learned during all those language courses over the years is still there somewhere!) 🦉💚

I figured out some really complicated stuff this year (health stuff and financial stuff) and I’m quite proud of myself for persevering until I had the answers I needed 💪🏻

There were several moments this year, particularly in the last month or so, where I looked back at a situation that had occurred previously and realised how much I had learned from it, and that I handle similar situations differently now. Call that growth, I guess 😌🌱

Alright, that’s the gist of it, I think! If anyone else would like to share their highlights too, I’d love to read about them!! 💗 And here's to 2023: maybe it bring us all more good stuff than bad stuff! 🙏🏻💫

And because I can't help myself, a little collage of some of my favourite pics/moments from this year 🥰

#have an amazing NYE everyone 🍾🎆✨️🥂🥰 #I hope you all have a fantastic end to 2022 and an auspicious start to 2023!!! #I love you all so much 💖💖💖 #thank you to all of you for making this fandom so brilliant and special #and for making my life better #you rock #💕💯💗 #minnie talks

[hanzajesthanza]

by the way, i wanted to thank everybody for so many kind, encouraging, and thoughtful responses to my first video. (slight vent post :>)

it did indeed take a lot of work and a lot out of me, a lot of research, multiple stupid all-nighters… but as unhealthy as it was, it was actually really good for me, i think. it was a real experiment, i honestly haven’t worked so hard on something since my thesis to graduate last year.

i felt cathartic, that i had it in me to make something like this, that i’m not useless…

i mean, i know i’m not, but ever since graduation i’ve felt so, so burned out and as a result of that, just, stupid and inexperienced compared to everyone else in my field, socially isolated, agoraphobic, even, in some cases.

(i’m one of those people that worked really hard in high school and college, and now that i’ve graduated it’s like, who am i? what is my purpose? what is my value? add burnout to that, and you have a year of feeling guilty that i’m not killing myself constantly with projects.)

so to be able to actually fucking make something that not only took a lot of work, but had me constantly pushing my comfort zone, reorganizing my space (physically and digitally) and just trying my hardest to get it done… on top of it, being really, really be passionate about what i was working on… it feels like…

it feels like, if a close friend of yours died a year ago… and you went numb with mourning… but then you just got news that they’re alive…

but the thing is, that friend is you.

it’s funny how dramatic i’m being, because i actually decided today that i don’t like the video much, and that it’s not very well-produced. (it only took me two-to-four days to start hating my artwork, of course. well, i had a good time being proud of myself while it lasted).

it’s something along the lines of calanthe’s “i hope my outburst didn’t offend you. the form, not the content.” i hope this video didn’t offend you—the form, not the content. i’m secure in the content, the research. but the form… again, like calanthe’s, very ‘in the moment.’

i woke up this morning really mad at myself for making some creative decisions that i feel cheapen the whole thing. (i don’t know what posessed me to use my accent color for a background color, it makes the whole thing look gaudy and unprofessional. i guess i just didn’t want a boring white background, but ugh… that is going to be on my list of regrets for a while).

but i placated myself knowing that the video does its job as a biography and a source of information. and the fact that youtubers sometimes remake their first videos later in their careers. (well, at least my first video is a topic that will never go out of style, it’s an essential, expository, evergreen topic of interest). and that i will make more videos, improving one thing at a time. one thing at a time. slow steps to progress.

i want to make engaging videos, but it’s really difficult because i don’t think i have a very engaging personality… it’s very “book report”-ish at the moment, lmao, i’d like to be myself. if i know who that person is.

i had a ton of anxiety about how i would be judged or what if i got it entirely wrong… (i rerecorded some parts due to this and i think that may have been a bad decision, because the cuts sound terrible, but anyways). but everyone was so encouraging and just had such a warmhearted reception to it, i don’t think i expected that. i expected mean comments for some reason, idk lol. i also expected way more pushback and cringe because i was talking about sapkowski (who, as we all know, is not very popular, for some reasons more valid than others). so i honestly have no idea where the positivity came from, except your own good souls and goodwill towards me, which is astounding, so thank you.

i want to make more videos and improve. and grow the channel, so it can serve people who are interested in the books. the books deserve something of their own, their own space. i know they’ve had their own space for as long as they’ve existed, but this would be my space for them. if that makes sense. i’m carving out an intentional space for the witcher books, slowly but surely, it will get there with time.

at the same time, i have to balance this with real life. ugh, real life. i might have serious committments this week, but i have no idea... the exact details yet. essentially, committments that may eat up all my time to the point where i’ll have no time for this large crazy video experiment after all.

my name, nimue, is… an emanation of myself. like krzysztof’s katarzyna. a poet’s name.

my person that exists within book pages, the mind, and the web. but not in real life. or rather, not yet in real life. i think they’re stuck somewhere between the screen and the floor.

i’d like to bring them to life, soon. but it will take time, work. i have no idea if i’ll have that kind of time soon. i have no idea what adulthood brings me in terms of commitments. it hurts me to abandon nimue like this. for once, i was able to bargain something for them, release myself, give into the creative flow. i spent a week being them, i think that’s the longest nimue has ever existed in the real world. and now… i have to jump back into my ‘real’ self again. “no fun allowed.” damn it. and i had just tasted that freedom, that creation.

all i know is that i can’t let them die. though i think they’re immortal inside me, after all. and perhaps one day we’ll become the same person. it could happen!

#IV

[melodyofthevoid]

Writing Wrap Up 2022

So... this year I want to take a bit of a different approach. The last 2 years I’ve wrapped up my writing by posting one from each month and thanking y’all for reading, which I thought about but then... it hit me. 

I haven’t really posted anywhere near half of what I’ve written this year. 

It’s a little insane to me, I’ve posted a shit ton these last 2 years, racked up an impressive word count for sure, but this year was. Different. For a few reasons. 

So this is just going to be me contemplating and examining how my writing has changed this year, if you’ll indulge me. 

Talking with a friend, the year itself stuck out to me. 2022. 3 years since I started writing at all. To keep the story brief, I wrote my first work on winter break back in 2019 at the behest of my bestie @/freshfruitforrottingvegetables (I’ve @’d them enough times crediting them for this) and posted it on ao3. I’ve pretty much been writing non-stop since. Invader Zim got me into writing, and the community I found there boosted me and gave me an absolutely incredible support system. 

But, other than the occasional reblog, this isn’t really a Zim blog anymore. I certainly don’t write about it as much, if ever. Now there’s a few reasons for that, not the least of which being almost 3 years is the longest I’ve had a fixation in a while. I’m amazed it held on as long as it did. Second was... I finished the royalty au. It’s almost hard to remember the beginning of this year but back in March, I posted the last chapter of “Isn’t it A Trial”, wrapping up the project I’d spent nearly two years trying to complete. My first big project. 

And it was done. 

There were a few other behind the scenes things that led to distancing from IZ from a writing standpoint but those aren’t really the point of this. 

For the first time since starting this journey, I was... on my own, so to speak. It was weird, scary at times even. Hell, I’m still very much adjusting to doing entirely OC work. The circle of people I’m posting to isn’t a huge thriving fandom, it’s just my mutuals, and those who’ve come to love the Ocean Idiots crew. I throw in some of my (and @/shmunter’s) ocs in as well, but that’s what I’ve been writing from y’all’s perspective. 

As I said, that’s not even a fraction of the stuff I’ve written in my own time that I don't post. Before, I was writing for an audience on some level. They were always stories I wanted to tell, but there was also the excitement of putting them in a pool of collaboration and community. That there were others. Now, these are my stories almost (really key word of almost, I’m not claiming sole ownership of anything) entirely. 

So I’ve had to adjust. I’m still adjusting. I’ve had a lot of days where writing had been a real uphill battle for me and I questioned the quality of my work. What does it mean now that I’m writing for a more narrow group? Is there a point to it? Am I less inspired now? How can I tell I’m growing or not? Can I tackle the scope of project I want to tackle next? Each time I think about it, it gets more and more daunting, overwhelming even. 

That one post about “Aww did you scare yourself out of doing a project” plays often in my mind. Very often. 

It’s going to be a weird year, even few years going forward. Graduation is on the horizon, with the prospect of maybe moving out and making it on my own from here on. I might move away, I might stay home. There’s a lot of unknowns and within that is what I’m going to do with my writing as well. It’s a part of me now without question, but what form will it take? Will I take? 

Much to consider.

So for this moment, I’m choosing to focus on celebrating the changes that have happened, the work I’ve done this year. The ways I’ve improved, the small leaps into different original ideas that I’ve had. I’ve had a ton of fun with making aus for just myself and like- one other person. I had a blast writing for my old DND characters too! There’s a lot to be proud of, and that’s what matters. 

I want to see what I can do, and I think sticking to some short stories while I shore up and figure out what to do with my bigger concepts might be where I go. Maybe not. Who knows. But at the end of the day, we’ll find out when we get there. Thank you, all of you, for your support, your comments, and your encouragement this year. It’s been a good one, for all its ups and downs. 

#melody rambles #my writing #(in case you want to peruse my wares lmao) #ngl part of this was I didn't entirely feel like going through and finding a piece for each month #and I'm still going back and forth as to what I want to do with a lot of my original things that don't have a particular mold or fit anywher #I want people to read them yeah #but post is... a mixed bag #so we'll see #maybe I'll start a thing/blog for writing on a different platform so it's just all writing #who's to say #thank you for reading this btw #the support and questions have meant a lot #I'm very lucky to have what I have #and I'm grateful every day for it

[kernyen-xo]

Chapter One

As some of you know, I lost my job. At one point I felt like I was never going to find another one because I was scared which caused me to think of the worst scenarios.  You know how that goes, but about a month later, I found a job as an executive assistant supporting the COO of a staffing agency.  I also support the CMO.  We specialize in placement of physicians, advanced practitioners, and mental health staffing for hospitals, clinics and virtual care.  So far I like it.  It’s an industry that I’ve never worked in before.  The best part?  I have my own office!  First time ever in my career.  It even has a window.

My cousin that passed away last November was a twin.  Not too long after she died, her twin was diagnosed with breast cancer.  She opted to have her breasts removed, but soon thereafter the doctors found that the cancer had spread to her lymph nodes.  She has been undergoing chemo treatment. 

Spattie, my 14 year old cat is in stage 4 of kidney disease.  His vitals are doing fine, but he’s lost a ton of weight.  His appetite is good.  I can tell though that he’s growing weaker. He needs help in getting to certain places, specifically like jumping on the couch or on the bed.  He’s holding his own and I am keeping a watchful eye on him. 

My birthday just passed as did my daughter’s and granddaughter’s.  We’re April babies.  My daughter took us to see Broadway’s Wicked and before that she took us to a French restaurant, Brasserie du Monde, where I wanted to have some bouillabaisse, but they serve the dish seasonally and tis not the season, much to my disappointment.  Instead I had the Bœuf Bourguignon, which is a burgundy style short rib, served with roasted root vegetables, creamy Polenta, gremolata.  It was very good.  It was my first experience in a French restaurant and I hope not my last.

As a parent, sometimes I forget my kid isn’t a kid, but as a grandma my brain refuses to see the fact that my 12 year old granddaughter is no longer 4 years old.  Just a couple of weeks ago I bought them a new electric toothbrush and as I handed it to them, they slightly paused – I almost missed it.  It was then that I realized that I shouldn’t have bought them a Disney Princess electric toothbrush.  They’re a sweet kid and didn’t say anything but, “Thank you, bachan.”  I gave myself an eye-roll.  Smooth one, Karen.

You know the Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez thing?  I have to admit that I love them together.  Maybe the 2nd time around will be a charm.

So this year, I turned 61, but for the longest time I thought I was going to be 62 and I was really excited about it because it meant that I was closer to retirement.  And then while I was at lunch with my cousin, it hit me.  “Oh.  Wait a second.  I’m just 61!  WTH!”  My cousin laughed.  I guess I’m glad I’m 61 instead of 62.  Honestly, maybe when I’m 81 instead of 82 I’ll care, but now 62 seems like a good number to me!

Guess what? I cut my hair shorter.  I got rid of the Prince Valiant look.  It’s somewhat of an improvement although my hair is still long enough to bug me.  I am going to get a hack job, maybe a buzz cut.  I’m kidding! But seriously...

Btw, this is my farmer shirt...you know, gingham and such...har, har.

Anyway.

So things that haven’t changed since I last posted: 

I like to sleep in because I’m still not a morning person, although I wish that I was.

I read a lot.

Oh yeah and I read a lot.

Oh no! I just realized I’m still pretty boring.

#this has been a kernyen update

[modmamono]

So. I don't think I like this game.

I played this game recently.

You can see my mega Twitter thread here.

Now for my word on it (it’s not as negative as you think):

I don't hate it, but it's on the negative side of apathy I wanna say.

I have nothing bad to say about the game besides it having a few modes I like. And some menu things that long have been sorted out in later Puyo games.

I am also not bad-mouthing anyone who worked on this game, be it the original game, the writer, and/or any of the folks who helped make the patch.

The reason I don't like this game is none of their faults. Even if their work on the game contributes to why I not like it, I'm pinning the blame on no one.

I've been informed everyone working on the game and the patch have improved, and can and will do better in the future.

I still wanna be nice about it. I have made stuff, fan fiction,  etc. I know what it's like to have people talk about your old stuff.

So I just wanna a talk story: I don't think the Anni formula, at least how 20th does it, it's been too long to judge 15th's, does the storytelling any favors.

This need for everyone to have an 8-stage story... It's exhausting. Not every story is gonna be a winner and sturgeon's law feels like it's in effect. Whatever they wanna explore with the characters it feels hard to pay attention to.

A lot of stories repeat scenes over and over again, sometimes without anything new learned from the last one. They awfully meander a bunch.

This doesn't always have to be a bad thing, but a bunch of these stories tease character growth... And they barely deliver on that character growth. A few do, but a lot of characters stay static.

And that's the joke a lot of the time, but it's done so much, the joke isn't funny anymore.

It feels like a ton of characters are just mandated to stay the same, and I kinda get it, 20th is sort of a new start for the franchise.

A fresh start after PP7 existed and did a thing. Bringing things back to normal. But it's a bit too much.

And the thing is, this game has at least one chapter that works around this limitation: Risukuma's.

Risukuma's story doesn't pretend to be about anything else but setting up jokes and having interactions. At best we only learn some odd things about the other characters and that's fine.

15th does something similar if I remember correctly. Every character does have a reason  for going forward. But since it's a tournament, it also gives every character to just talk a bit just for the sake of it. They're not on a quest to find out what Amitie's hat is for example.

20th... I don't know it just doesn't do it for me. I think the PPT2 story mode formula is better.

PP7's story, say what you want, is a story that doesn't waste a fight. And if you combine that with PPT2's side paths...

Imagine that 20th's Ringo, Arle, Accord, Ecolo, Satan, basically anyone who has direct plot relation were on the main story path, and everyone else had a side path with the amount of matches they need to tell their story.

I think I'd prefer that for a future Anni game.

Because you spend so much time with all these characters in 20th Anni. If you're a newbie, you learn a lot about them.

But in the end, while you can pick anybody but Satan and Ecolo for the final fight. The only characters that seemed to matter according to the final story are Arle, Amitie, Ringo, Schezo, Lemres, Accord, Risukuma, Ecolo, Satan, and maybe Maguro and Raffina...

Like, did I REALLY have to play Lidelle's search for anti-insecurity? Witch's murder quest? Feli being an ass? Ocean Prince barely existing? Onion Pixie and Donguri as fun as they were?

I'm not saying they are a waste of time. But the fact I have to play every single story as a requirement to play the final story??? When a lot of them have nothing to do with the Satan and/or Ecolo plots...

No. I don't think so.

Again it's cool you can pick anyone you like for the final fight, but narratively it's unsatisfying for most characters to take down Satan/Ecolo. The Final story mainly focus on the A trio, and then out of nowhere Draco and Feli come in to save the day...

No... (Granted, I think using any of the A girls is unsatisfying too. I picked Lemres and Schezo because they are the most fitting.)

Now... Who wants to hear me say nice things?

This game's main protagonist is really really good.

I'm of course talking about...

Ecolo.

They are the main protagonist. You will not convince me otherwise.

This is their story. If you say it's Ringo's... Look, she just has a pretty face, that's it she's a plank of wood with quirks in this game.

The story may start with Risukuma exploding  7 ARS into Primp. But it truly starts with Ecolo not remembering who or what they are.

And it ends with remembering who they are.

And in between, it only remembers what fun is, and they wanna spread to as much people as possible.

Ecolo drives this story. This game is theirs. And either gives the illusion of character growth or has actual character growth. Hard to tell sometimes. Point is, they changed the most through the story.

I may make a video about it someday. Maybe.

It's just interesting, they took the generic main bad guy from the last game. And tried to flesh'm out. I've definitely started to like Ecolo.

I hope I didn't forget to bring something up.

In short: I don't like the storytelling in this game, I'll keep playing this game though, it's good Puyo Puyo. Maybe Saetta & Friends eventual Wii patch's translation will make the story more palatable. Making it more fun to read.

#puyo puyo #Puyo Puyo 20th Anniversary #puyo #puyo puyo 20th

[majiiee]

'*•.¸♡ My Achievements! ♡¸.•*'

Note: This isn’t written in any order so I just made a list of stuff that I achieved during my first few years in college lol. I’ll update this everytime I achieve something!

I took my first big step in my college life! I was really stressed and was unhappy when I was still taking BS Pharmacy so I decided to shift to Bachelor of Multimedia arts. It was not easy being a transferee. The first few months were tough since I hardly know anybody there except for one person who was my classmate in junior highschool. But now I’m glad I’ve found my circle even though I’m an irregular student.

My art was critiqued by seniors at school for the very first time and it taught me a lot of things. It made me realize that its not scary to ask for feedback on your work. Spending a ton of effort on something doesn’t automatically make something great. “Hindi lahat ng pinagpaguran ay maganda ang kinakalabasan.” This is what one of my professors always remind us and I think I strongly agree with him. Critiques are actually very helpful in improving a person’s work.

I became one of the Dean’s Lister at school for the very first time and I plan to aim for it again for the next semesters.

I cosplayed for BMMA Week at school last year. It was my first time to cosplay at school. I’m glad that my school was liberated and people have been so kind to me. Some even asked for photos with me, it was a very fun memory for me.

I made a lot of friends from different years and courses. I’m not sure how I did it but I’m happy to feel some sense of belonging.

I got to be an official member and officer at two organizations at school.

E1 Production’s (The group I belong to) music video won a lot of awards during our BMMA Week at school.

I also got to be part of my friend’s production team for a MOBILE SHORT FILM FEST and our short film won a lot of awards. It was also my first time shooting for a film outside my hometown.

#˗ˏˋ꒰ 🍒 ꒱ randos!

[apthepotat]

Art dump time! (Part one)

it’s been awhile since I shared my art here but-

i’ve improved since the last time shared it

I believe I didn’t show a single art in this year at all

that’s about to change :D

let’S-A-gOO-

so first we havee

This is actually one of my fav art pieces of 2021 ^^ i saw smth on TikTok how to make this art in just two steps and I love it!- I should do it more hshshs

second we have

my little scrunkly/vvpos

a flustered and sleepy sketches of my babyyyy

he goes by Devy-! And actually I drew him but I’m making updates on his design- once I do that imma show ^^

Here’s more sketches,but this time with his twin XD

tis Devy

And his twin Vir!

That moment when you want to draw both eyes but can’t draw the other so you have to either cover it or make the eye closed for the art not to look weird

My handsome children ✨

nEXT

Another fancy bastard XD he was made jus few days ago

He likes suits and is a cocky son of a biscuit/aff

he goes by Niran ^^

Ah yes one of my first Girl skele ocs ever

I’m proud of the shape of her eyes tbh she looks so prettyY-

Her name’s Nadia :D and she’s a princess ✨

Princess Nadia Dáire (full name Damn) of a kingdom named the Illinid Kingdom in an Au I made awhile ago named Regalistale ^^ She is beauty she is grace and she will slap you in yo the f a c e

Next is her older brother ✨👑

everyone please give it up

fOR HIS MAJESTY

KING IRIS DÁIRE OF THE ILLINID KINGDOMM 👏👏👏👏

The wings are from Ibispaint because I give up drawing wings- aaand as for the pose and chair ref I took it from Pinterest-! However I lost the ref I have no idea where it is now or else I would’ve put it here :,)

Only the character and their design belongs to me ^^

Also I finished this art at 3 AM I didn’t feel like drawing a background cuz I hate drawing them anyways

ah e m

moving on-

did y’all know Ira has 3 sons-?

👀 it’d be a shame not to show at least one of them rn

I’m happy to introduce to you

the Heir of the throne ✨

the eldest of the chialds

HIS royaL hIgHnEsS

Prince Zephyrus DáirEEEE

I adore all my ocs sm :,> I am still so proud of this one even if my coloring style started changing right after this artwork

I adore his clothes and wings most of all HSHSHS

the background again I didn’t feel like drawing it so I took a pic from Google and changed its color schemes and bam

the wings is from Ibispaint again

Anddd-

The pose is from a random picture in Pinterest

:,] again I - I lost it

so

last art work in this one

:] ..

this is my Sona

this is me

✨ hi ✨

XDDDD BAHAHA-

I think this would be it for now-

Don’t worry I’ll make a part two of the art dump :D I still have ton to show

#AP’s art dump #art go brrr #UT Ocs

[awfullydxpeched2]

Something I did this week: 

I listened to Songs of Desperation by These Poor Bastards, in the genre of gothic country, for my album club. I was initially excited, as I like goth music a lot, and it’s most of the music I listen to. I like dark themes in music, or anything goth, so I was excited to hear a different stylistic take on goth. But, as I listened to the album, I found I really did not like the album. It wasn’t the musical choice of combining goth with country, I enjoyed that, but it was how melancholic the whole album was throughout. I find in most goth music, while dark in it’s subject matter or lyrical content, contains musical elements like synthesizers that brightens up the music a little, and creates a musically layered sound that is incredible to listen to, but I did not find this in this album, it just left me feeling down after listening. I wouldn’t listen to it again.

2. Response to an assigned reading: A Twitter Implosion Provides One Last Chance for Newspapers | Opinion

I found this article interesting with it’s claim that Twitter could be saved if it could be a media space for writer’s and journalists. I’ve always found this to be one of Twitter’s benefits, it’s ability to send out news or writing pieces in real time, quickly, with the ability of it being read by a mass widespread audience, it’s incredibly efficient for spreading information in a brief period of time, to educate people quickly on what is going on in the news. I do think, though, at this point it’s too late for Twitter to be saved. It is demising quickly, at the hands of Elon Musk, and unless someone else replaces him, it’s unlikely Twitter could be improved, since many people are leaving or considering leaving Twitter. I personally, have Twitter but have never been much of a enthusiast of it, and wouldn’t mind if the service became obsolete, since I do not use it, but I do think it would be a loss for journalists being able to communicate quickly and to put their pieces out for mass audiences to read. 

3. Topics I am researching:

Goth and Sexuality

Transgender rights and better advocacy

Autism and College Education

LaserDiscs

Dial Up Internet

Early computer chat systems (AIM for example or other 90s/early 2000s programs)

4. Links to five or more discovered resources (including articles, podcasts, books, websites)

5. Update on professionalism as a writer:

I've been engaging in some small practice on interviews, just by asking friends and my boyfriend questions I have drafted and engaging in some light conversation and quote gathering to practice my skills. I've found this is one of my weaknesses with journalism, so I think putting in some practice will be valuable.

6. An anecdote about something you did this week:

I wrote a piece reflecting on Depeche Mode's new single Ghosts Again from their upcoming album this March. I got up early for the premiere of the song, and it was an important moment for me, as I thought there would never be any new music after the sad and unexpected passing of band member Andy Fletcher in May 2022, and it stuck out to me for the realization it gave me of the significance of Depeche Mode in my life, but also for other people in my life who like Depeche Mode.

7. Something I did this week:

I have been doing an internship at Folsom Lake College, and this week helped run a workshop on citations in writing. I helped one of the instructional assistants teach students on proper citations, then after did a write up on how the workshop could be improved but also made more accessible.

8. Responses to assigned readings (assigned for our class or for another class) AMS 160

In When They Blew The Levee discusses the disaster that occurred in the town of Pinhook, Missouri, which was demolished under a flood control project, and the roles the NOAA and the U.S Army of Corps of Engineers play in how the disaster is portrayed. The author aims to prove what really happened in the town of Pinhook, by using counter-narratives and analysis, to challenge the other stance provided on the incident. The author used Louisiana Purchase as an example, showing how this purchase and how this had an impact on the environment through how the river is controlled and managed as evidence to prove the difficulty of managing water levels. 

Some questions I have: 

What is the environmental climate of Pinhook? What is the economic and sociological status of this area? Do the economic and sociological status of individuals from the area impact how the environment is managed? Were the reaction to the disaster and the actions taken impacted by the economy of the area? How did the carefully controlled narrative of the disaster originate, and how it did evolve as more was learned about the disaster?

[lovemesomesurveys]

This past year... who were your favorite singers, musicians, or bands? I really didn’t listen to much music last year, but there’s a few songs I liked and that stood out for me such as Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush, I Like You by Post Malone, About Damn Time by Lizzo, Goo Goo Muck by the Cramps, and Bloody Mary by Lady Gaga. A few TikTok songs, too. 

what were some of your favorite foods? Well, last year was rough and I wasn’t enjoying food a whole lot at the beginning of the year. In fact, it was actually hard for me to eat. Then for 3 months in the hospital I was unable to eat or drink anything and could only have this formula stuff through a feeding tube. That was a really rough time. When I finally got home, I could only eat a few soft foods, including mashed potatoes and gravy which I ate a ton of for like a month and a half lol. When I finally moved up to being able to eat whatever, my obsession became Taco Bell. I eat that 5 days a week :X I’m also seriously obsessed with Reese’s. Oh, and I may be slowly getting back into my Wingstop obsession, ha. 

what was your favorite dessert? Reese’s for sure for the past few months, but before that when I could only eat soft foods I was really into ice cream and cheesecake. 

what was the best thing that happened to you? While my time in the hospital was long, hard, stressful, and scary, it ultimately ended up being the best thing for me. Making that decision truly saved my life and put me in the right direction to get back on track. Making it through the year and working on my health has definitely been the best thing that happened. To be perfectly honest, there was a time in the beginning when it looked like I might not stand a chance. I was so much worse than I ever thought. 

what was the worst thing that happened to you? My health decline for sure. Like I’ve said many times, I was in really bad shape and it was a very rough time. It wasn’t looking good for me. I’m still dealing with a lot and have quite a ways to go, but I’ve come further than I was then and have made a lot of improvements. 

how have you grown as a person? Honestly, I feel like I’ve kind of regressed and feel stunted. I just kind of feel stuck if that makes that sense. It’s like everything has been put on hold since my health issues began. Last year feels like it was completely stolen. I have a lot of growing up to do still even as a 33 year old woman. A lot of catching up to do. There’s still much I need to work on and be more responsible about. 

what have you learned? You shouldn’t put off things that have to do with your health. You can’t just ignore shit and hope it goes away. Sometimes things may get better on their own, but some things can end up progressing and becoming so much worse. It’s best to get it checked out because it could literally cost you your life. I also need to work on really hearing and considering the advice given to me and stop thinking I know better or more. I need to learn not to let my fears dictate everything. I had been in denial in regards to how bad things actually were. God gave me another chance and I need to do something with it. 

how old did you turn? I turned 33. 

what did you do for your birthday? I was in the hospital unable to eat, drink, or do anything really so that sucked. My mom was really sweet, though, and brought big balloons and birthday hats for us to wear. My brother also brought me big balloons. My dad was able to come by for a couple hours after work to spend some time with me.  My family did the best they could given the situation to try and bring me some joy.

what did you accomplish? Making it through the year and making improvements. 

where did you live? At my house and the hospital for a few months.  

who was your best friend? My mom and brother.

This past year, have you.... made a new friend? No.

lost a friend? No. I didn’t have any friends, so there was no one to lose. 

made a new best friend? No.

lost someone close to you? No. 

attended a funeral? No.

attended a wedding? No. 

gave birth to a child? 🤰 Nooo.

"came out of the closet"? No. It’s not a secret that I’m straight.  

traveled? I did back in March and April. felt depressed? 😔 Of course. I have chronic depression and last year certainly didn’t help. It was a very low time. 

felt suicidal? 😔

felt happy? 😃 At many points throughout the year. I’m largely healed now which is great.

felt at peace? 😊 With certain decisions I made in the hospital.

felt overjoyed? 💃 No.

felt blessed? 😇 Absolutely. I’m still here because of God. 

felt amazed? 🤩 No.

fallen in love? 😍 No.

had your heart broken? 💔 Yes, a few times and not just in the romantic sense. 

got a new car? 🚗 No.

graduated? 👩‍🎓 No. 

experienced something miraculous? ✨ Yes.

had a better year than last year? In a way. Like, in the sense that I finally took some things seriously and did some things I should have done awhile ago to help get better. It took a lot to get me there, though, and it definitely wasn’t easy. I still have work to do, but I’m so blessed to even still be here and be given that chance. There’s been good changes. 

had a worse year than last year? I’d also consider it the worst year of my life. I can’t believe things were as bad as they were and ended up in the hospital for so long. I can’t believe all that happened while I was there. My life changed so much to say the least and I’m not in the clear, yet. While there’s been some improvements, I’m also still having a hard time with some things. Apart from my health, I’m also struggling with being bedridden and missing out on life. 

been to see the doctor? 👨‍⚕️ Yeah, several times. I also saw a ton of doctors in the hospital. 

been to the hospital? 🏥 I think I’ve made that pretty clear. 

had a severe allergic reaction? 🤧 No.

had COVID? 🦠 Yes, but fortunately I was asymptomatic. 

found out someone you knew had COVID? 🦠 My parents, brother, my aunt, my grandparents, and my cousin all got hit with it.  used an epi pen? 💉 No.

had a fever? 🥵 Yes.

had a migraine? 🧠 No.

gone on a date? 🌹 No. 

written in a journal or diary? 📔 Yes. My mom had gotten me one with various prompts to give me something to do in the hospital. 

given someone a hug? 🤗 Yeah. 

cut your hair? 💇‍♀️ No.

danced around your living room? 💃 No.

prayed? 🙏 Yes, a lot. 

worshiped Jesus? Yes.

read the Bible? 📖 Yes.

discovered a new favorite book? 📕 Yeah, a few. 

gone to church? ⛪️ I’ve only been able to watch the livestreams. 

went for a walk in the fall? 🍁 No. 

set up and decorated a Christmas tree? 🎄 We had our tree up, but I wasn’t able to help. 

threw up? 🤮 Yes.

almost threw up? 🤢 Yes. 

discovered a new music artist you really liked? 🎤 I did. 

discovered a new song you really liked? 🎶 Yeah, a few.  seen snow? ⛄️ No.

seen beautiful fall foliage? 🍁 No.

gone to the beach? 🏝 Yeah, a few times at the beginning of the year. I was supposed to go a few times in the summer, but.... :/

rode a bike? 🚴 No.

rode a horse? 🐎 No.

swam? 👙 No. It’s been over a decade since I’ve swam. 

worn makeup? 💄 Nope. 

done a craft project? Yeah. I did a couple for Easter and then a few a couple weekends ago with my aunt.

made a scrapbook page? No.

written an essay? 📝 No.

painted something? 🎨 Yes. The craft projects I said I did involved painting.

drawn something? ✍️ Yeah, some random little doodles. 

sketched in a sketchbook? ^^^

written someone a letter? 📝 No.

been to a concert? 👩‍🎤 No. I haven’t been to a concert since 2009. :( I miss them. 

driven a car? 🚘 No.

kayaked? 🛶 No.

gone on a cruise? 🚢 No.

made a big purchase? Well, purchases when I did my Christmas shopping. 

moved to a new home? 🏡 No. My family and I really want to move, though. 

got a new pet? No.

lost a pet? No.

gotten a tattoo? No.

gotten a new piercing? No. 

started a new hobby? Not a new one, but I briefly got back into one I hadn’t done in awhile, which was bracelet making. 

worn a mask? 😷 Yeah, whenever I went somewhere. 

felt afraid to leave your house? I still worry about COVID. I rarely go anywhere now due to being bedridden.

celebrated your birthday alone? No.

celebrated Christmas alone? No.

went for a long walk through the neighborhood? No.

Favorites of this Year (Pick one for each.) Song: I already listed them in the first question, but I’ll give you my top 3: Goo Goo Muck by The Cramps, Bloody Mary by Lady Gaga, and Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush. 

Book: I didn’t read nearly as much last year as I usually do, but the few I read from a couple series I’ve been reading I enjoyed. 

TV show: Oh man, I watched and obsessed over so many shows last year. If I had to give my top 3 I’d say Stranger Things, Wednesday, and Daredevil. There’s several more I could include as well. When I was in the hospital I binged a ton of shows. 

Youtube channel: Several ASMR channels, a couple vloggers, and a couple Disney channels. 

Food: I answered this already as well, but I’d say my biggest obsessions were mashed potatoes and gravy, Taco Bell, and Reese’s. 

Dessert: Reese’s and cheesecake. 

Drink: International Delight iced caramel macchiato, Starbucks Doubleshot energy drinks, and the peppermint white chocolate mocha from Starbucks.

Friend: I don’t have any friends. 

Thing you did: The beach trips I had at the beginning of the year. 

Place you went: ^^^

Person you spend time with: My mom and brother. 

Thing you did for your birthday: I talked about what I did for my birthday, which unfortunately was spent in the hospital so I couldn’t do much, but I did get to spend it with my family. 

Celebrity: Alexander Skarsgard of course, but I have a few new favorites as well such Sebastian Stan, Oscar Isaac, Pedro Pascal, and Jenna Ortega. 

Website: Tumblr and YouTube.

Emojis: I use the laughing face with the tears, the goofy one with the tongue sticking out, and the slanted sad face emojis most often. 

Colors: Pastels, rose gold, sea foam green, coral, and yellow. 

Restaurant: I haven’t gone out to eat in quite awhile, but my favorite takeout is Taco Bell and Wingstop. 

Tea flavor ☕️: Peppermint or chamomile. Final Questions!

Would you say this past year has been a good year overall? I’ve talked about how I felt about last year in great length already. 

What are your goals for the new year? To continue working on my health and making improvements and hopefully be able to do some things as well as a little traveling again. 

How old will you turn next year? This is meant for 2023, in which case I’ll be 34. 

Did you make any big mistakes this past year? I made huge mistakes. 

Do you have any big changes coming? I really hope big positive changes are coming my way.

How will you be celebrating New Year's Eve this year? I hung out with my aunt and watched the NYE stuff on TV. 

What was the best day of this year for you, and why? I mean, as scary and awful my time in the hospital was, it saved my life and led to good things, so I’d have to say the day I finally admitted myself was ultimately the best in that regard. The day I finally came home from the hospital was another, and the day I finally was able to start eating and drinking normally again was as well. 

What did you spend the most time doing this year? Trying to get better. 

#long year in review of 2022 survey #I do a lot of rambling in this one and repeat myself a lot #last year was a rough one #personal #text #survey #surveys

[chronocidalrage]

It’s Been a Long Week

ESCAPE For the longest time, Atom was the best part of reality. He was the person who NEVER made me regret leaving my fantasy world. He was always one of the best and brightest parts of the real world. And then suddenly he was one of the hardest parts of the real world and that change was so crushing to me that all I wanted was to escape. Run so far away that I couldn’t come back. I don’t think I specifically wanted to “kill” myself, I just wanted to remove myself from the real world because I hated what it had become.

I’ve escaped off and on forever. My favorite people are the ones who escape with me. Atom did. I love getting Copeland with Susie because it’s like us escaping together.

I live the way I work. I do just as much as I need to in order to keep what I have and inch myself closer to getting more. But I don’t buckle down and focus on improving my reality.

SINCE WRITING THAT ABOVE, I talked to my therapist. I’m not escaping reality. I’m trying to escape my bad feelings. When I told her I write all the time she said “you analyze your thoughts? That’s as real as it gets.”

I guess for my survivor's guilt, I just need to know that Atom understood what I was doing. And I think he did.

It’s weird, I admire people who are in great shape, rather than people who work hard to BE in great shape. I admire the status of being a filmmaker, I don’t admire the work of filmmaking. I’m too obsessed with results instead of process.

THE OFFICE So I busted my ass today and cleared out the office (room needed to be empty to fix a leak). Only a fairly small amount of stuff is left here. I got a ton of shit done in a short amount of time. I feel good about myself. It wasn’t easy. It was a lot of shit, and lots of memories and shit related to Atom involved.

THE BATMAN I’m watching The Batman again. Fuck, I love this movie. This, Ambulance, the Northman, and probably Barbarian are probably my favorite movies of the year. They make me happy like movies used to.

This is not only the movie I wish Atom lived to see, but it’s the movie I need to see in order to move on. That end speech is perfect:

“Vengeance, won’t change the past. Mine… or anyone else’s. I have to become more. People need hope. To know someone’s out there for them. This cities angry, and scarred. Like me. Our scars can destroy us… even after the physical wounds have healed. But if we can survive them. They can give us the power. To Endure. And the strength to fight.”

And then he drives away from Selina. Not because he doesn’t want to be with her, but because it’s the right thing to do and they both know that, whether they like it or not. Two halves of the same person riding together and then going separate ways. I get it. Perfect.

That music is what I hear when I imagine leaving Atom behind me. I think I’ll choose to think of this movie as Atom talking to me through movies to tell me (via my favorite character) to move on. To keep fighting for positive change.

I also saw that movie PEARL. It was very good. Beyond that, it made me think about how I’m stuck in the past. It’s not quite that I’m trying to avoid reality, it’s that’s I’m trying to avoid the future. I want Copeland every night to keep things like they were when Atom was alive. I’m trying to either keep things frozen in time or move backwards. That’s why I want to do so many things but actually doing them scares me because those things mean change and new futures.

But as is the message in The Batman, I have to move on.

THE LAST CALL. I was thinking about my last call with Atom and I think in many ways, we said what we needed to say. I apologized for not being more supportive about the engagement. He understood. He shared a dumb story with me (the guy dancing on the corner), like we always liked to do with each other. He told me to draw more because I’m “so good.” He encouraged and supported me maybe moving to Rhode Island. Driving even further away from him, and he supported it. I asked him to meet up so we could catch up and he said he’d love that. I believe Laurie told me later that Atom was “so happy” after our call. Between that conversation and his call with Kerry, I think he knew everything he needed to know. I’m pretty sure we both said “I love you man” or whatever too. It may not have been a perfect last conversation but I think it was enough. I wish you didn’t have to end, but you did. And at least we got to say goodbye in a way.

I love you and miss you forever man. Thank you for every second of our 40 years together. I hope I made you even a fraction as happy as you made me.

MIDNIGHT MASS. I think I really liked Midnight Mass. I really like Mike Flanagan. I should see his movies I haven’t seen and watch the director’s cut of Doctor Sleep. 

BUBBLES I think bubbles are technically normal and natural. The trouble comes when the bubble is too small or you’re not willing to leave it.

In the pre-Susie TSG days, my bubble was big. Sure, I was in a bubble I didn’t want to leave but it was a big enough bubble that I could live freely. I could feel excited. Good. Alive.

Now my bubble is effectively just my house, Susie, and Ruby. And Susie isn’t even always in it. She kinda comes and goes as she pleases depending on how well she’s handling her own struggles and/or how well I’m reacting to them (not her fault).

It’s exhausting only living in such a small bubble. Because you have to inspect everything. Clean it off. Check it for danger. People too. You only go into the world in a figurative “protective suit” which prevents real connection. You primarily interact outside the bubble remotely or through those “clean gloves through glass” things. It’s exhausting and restrictive.

I’m not exactly tired from life. I’m exhausted from trying to live a good life from within a tiny bubble while constantly being afraid and alarmed.

I need more of what I want. I just need to be smart and trust myself.

Hilarious. As I was writing all this “Come Alive” by Foo Fighters came on shuffle and it was weirdly perfect.

I was starting to get impulsive back then in the TSG days. And everything that went bad with Susie made me doubt my impulses. Now when I look at life, I don’t just screen it for my fears and dislikes, I screen it for Susie’s. Since she (somewhat accidentally) made me question my judgment. No wonder I get stuck in analysis paralysis.

I’m always exhausted from the process of screening every person, thing, or interaction in my life.

Part of the exhaustion comes from not only choosing what you let in, but agonizing over everything you let out. You can’t afford to lose things you need.

I think the reason I get so upset when Susie is upset with me is because my instinct is telling me she needs to be removed from the bubble. Like she’s a hostile invader trapped in the bubble with me.

ATOM Today (9/19/22) we cleaned out and started up Atom’s car and brought it to my old mechanic in Quincy, Don Hassan, to check out, maybe fix up and sell. I’m glad we did it, but man, it kinda fucked me up. I feel roughly okay but my chest is tight.

Sometimes I think the reality of Atom actually being gone forever is too much for my body to handle.

Went to Faxon. Went to that kinda secret rocky formation Atom and I found that first time (I wonder if it secretly reminds me of some old memory of Mount Watatic or something). Still really feels like Atom in that spot. More there than most other places. I remember standing there with Atom that time we explored the park for the first time. Maybe it feels like him there because it felt special to both of us in that moment.

Either way, had what felt like a “talk” with him (don’t judge me, grief is a crazy thing). All I could picture was him telling me to go. To move on. Telling me to not be sad. All I could picture was him refusing to let me hold on to the past. Pushing me out into the future. It’s true. That is what he would do now. Atom never wanted to hold me back, he just hated to see me go.

So I’ll go. I’ll move on. Because if I could see you or talk to you now, that’s exactly what you’d be telling me to do. It’d be like when you came into my room that day and made me apply for Newbury. You’d just push me and make me move on. Push me to find a good future. So I will. I’ll try.

Then I ended up listening to WALK by Foo Fighters and it felt right. I started crying as I sang along. Knowing that Dave Grohl came up with the song as he taught his daughter to walk made me think of Atom and everything he taught me. The song is about moving on after tragedy and finding reasons to look forward to life and it felt like Atom telling me to move on and be happy and how in many ways, that’s how I keep him alive.

I see myself one of two ways: as the scared, infatuated with the world kid who needed Atom. Or as the adult who still loves and appreciates Atom but is somehow amazing enough that he can survive without Atom. Because I’d have to be pretty amazing to somehow equal or even surpass Atom’s amazingness. I would have to be one of the greats, like Atom.

Oh Jesus, that’s it. I believe that in order to be able to survive without Atom, I would have to be at least as amazing as Atom. Which would require me to be perfect. At least perfect enough to be okay without Atom.

Oh man, and now I gotta be even better. Because I potentially have to be amazing enough to survive losing Susie someday. Or amazing enough to even deserve Susie in the first place. Man.

What you believe you deserve directly connects to what you think can survive.

We both saw me as the thing that filled the void in Atom, we just disagreed about how big that void was. To me, that void was tiny. So I was lesser. To Atom, that void was huge.

Because my calculation of what I like, versus what I have to do to be liked by others, is off. I think others have to work a lot less to be liked by me than I have to work to be liked by them.

Because I saw myself as this broken, useless thing that could only be made good and useful to the world by Atom because he was the greatest person in the world. He was perfect. He was the best part about me. I could only be great on his shoulders. So I would have to be as great as the greatest man alive to be great on my own and that seems impossible. I’m happy when I feel as great as Atom or when I was around Atom while he was being great.

I’ve been kinda miserable lately because I couldn’t be around him being great consistently and I couldn’t be as great as he would have been. I couldn’t help him the way he would’ve helped me. He would’ve saved me somehow, I know it. And I can’t stand that I failed him that way. (Or at least, that’s what I tell myself. Realistically, he probably wouldn’t have been able to save me either. He just would’ve been more likely to die trying). 

I forget that Atom was a god to me. Just way above me. He was my hero and my idol. Even in recent years, he still was. He was still who I aspired to be. I didn’t see him as less while he was sick. His greatness was just hidden away.

Because we don’t exactly base love around what someone or something is every day. You tend to love and value them based on potential. What they can continue to give you. They may not have to be it every day. It’s all about the potential and severity of their ability to positively improve your future. They can be flawed.

Oh my god. That’s why I took it so much harder than everyone else. He was legit more flawed to them. He was more perfect to me. Not because I didn’t see his flaws, but because they mattered less to me because I could see his potential. Because I knew him better than anyone and saw his potential. I expected more than others. Even himself. And I should remember that’s also how he saw me. My potential was so great that the rest didn’t matter. We loved each other in that way. The endless appreciation for what we’ve done and what we can do.

Because Atom really was my first favorite thing. So I liked what he did and what reminded me of him and that’s where my concept of “good” started. I think I got scared of losing him when Rob Wakeham beat him up that time at camp. I was terrified. And I was powerless to help him, which I’m sure added to my feelings of being inferior. Because one of my first horrors was not being able to help him. And then it happened again.

So when I’m doing things that Atom couldn’t do.

ARGUING. Susie was raised by a lawyer. She was taught how to argue from childhood and I was raised by doormats. LOL.

COSMIC If we all come from stardust, then all the people and things out there are technically from the same stardust as Atom and Susie and Flash and Ruby. That’s crazy. Other things and people can be good too.

WATCHING SHIT It should be more instinct-based, rather than list-based. 

One of the reasons I love horror and comedy is because they’re the genres that take the most chances with the biggest senses of “anything could happen.”

BEFORE I DIE I think I wanna:

Feel good enough about myself that I can walk naked by the Griffith Observatory in LA like the Terminator. 

Play a concert (or record a live podcast or do stand up or something) to a room full of people (not strictly friends) who care enough to come and see what I’m doing.

LIMITS So I don’t know how to fight for what I want, so I tend to crumble if I hit a wall. Atom never got in the way of my happiness so I loved him for that. When I feel stuck between what I want and the people I love, I feel like I have to choose the people.

When I’m stuck between what I want and a person I want (not sexually, just in my life in general) I freeze. It’s easier to surrender to the person and the last thing I wanna do is lose them to my fight.

That’s why I never got into shape or made any of the shit I really wanna make. Because I never learned how to fight for me.

GOOD ENOUGH That’s all I ever want. To be good enough. For whatever. And I’m so tired of finding out that I’m not.

I was so confident back then in the TSG days. I finally thought I was good enough and Susie came in and pointed out things I never even considered to be part of my rating. And poked holes in what I thought the ratings were. I’ve never really recovered from that.

Where does Atom fit beyond him always thinking I was BEYOND good enough? That I was amazing? I guess I always believe he was the only person who was ever gonna think I was beyond good enough.

It’s all about being not good enough wow.

And unless I nailed it, I assume I failed it.

Food and movies make me feel good enough. They both feel like a reward for some sort of success, AND things that I don’t need to be good enough for. They’re so basic that I’m always good enough for them.

Why do I feel this way? Why don’t I think I’m good enough? I’m sure some of it was just me thinking Atom was the greatest thing ever. I think I also made a lot of dumb mistakes when I was young. Getting caught in that tree. The wasps. Riding across town on my big wheel. I think I just thought I kinda sucked.

Then the summer before 7th grade, I reconnected with Mike Wakeham (I think it was then), I had an almost thing with Amanda, my first non-platonic thing with a girl. I was suddenly even ALMOST good enough and that was enough for me to take a chance and try harder. EDIT: I also think middle school was when Atom was most distant. He was in high school and dating Phyllis and distracted by all that stuff so I felt the need to become my own person.

I’m lacking evidence to motivate me.

I think that also, with the death of Atom, there went the one person who always thought I was at LEAST good enough. I lost that. I lost my biggest fan.

But why do I think I’m not good enough? Because I don’t want to be overweight but I am. Because I want to be athletic but I’m not. I want to be an artist but I’m not. I want to be a singer but I’m not. There’s all these things I wanna be and the fact that I’m not quite those things makes me sad and feel like a failure, which ruins my motivation to try any of those things. Because I think I’ve already failed to be that thing, I don’t see the point in trying to do it. Like if I were meant to do that, I’d be able to. If I’m not good enough to do that thing NOW, it doesn’t matter if I COULD be good enough in the future.

Because I think I’m not good enough to want. Good enough to laugh with. Not good enough for some of my friends to invest in. Not good enough to get through to Atom or my family. If Atom wasn’t good enough to scare them and change their behavior, I certainly wouldn’t be.

To feel better, I should act how I would act if I WERE good enough. If I just imagine a situation like “I am good enough to do this,” it makes it way less terrifying. Because if I believed I was good enough, I don’t actually think I’d want or care about junk food. Interesting.

My decisions are based on my calculated rates of success, which are based on my inherent disgust with my low-skill existence.

Jesus that’s really it. I’m tired of not being enough. But in order to be tired of that, I have to actually believe that I’m not enough. I have to believe it’s true in order to be tired of it. That’s what fucks me.

So if I felt like I wasn’t good enough as a child, that oddly becomes my “normal” so I kinda seek it out even if I don’t like it. Inner child work? Be a loving dad to my younger self?

Because when I’m on the couch watching shit, that’s pretty much the only time I’m “good enough” for myself. But otherwise, I’m generally convinced it’s easier for me to be good enough for others than for myself. That’s why I feel like I have to come through for people. Sometimes I can trick them into thinking I’m good enough (they can be tricked, but I KNOW I’m not) or they want something easy. It’s like an addiction. Pleasing myself is harder unless I’m watching and eating, in which case that’s the easiest thing of all.

It’s really wild. Life is hard for me because I’m always doing that calculation: “am I good enough for X or Y? Can I do this? Will doing this cause me to drop the ball with something else?” I’m always trying to find the easiest path where I’m most likely to not be exposed as “not good enough.” Doing those calculations in my head every second of the day is exhausting. When I start running out of time in my day, I lose interest in challenging things, like working out, because I want to end my day feeling “good enough.”

And food, to me, is both a way to console me for not being good enough, AS WELL AS a reward for when I AM good enough. So no matter what, I always want to eat. Success or defeat, I feel compelled to eat. I guess the important thing is to stop seeing food as a prize (either consolation or grand). Eating for fun occasionally is fine and relatively healthy. But not to the extent that I do it.

And when Susie came around, she poked holes in things and I realized there was this whole world of ways I wasn’t good enough that I previously thought didn’t matter (like standing up for people, who needs ME of to stand up for them, you know?). I also realized some of the things around me weren’t good enough FOR ME. So I became less satisfied with the world around me (the bubble), which made me more sad and triggered my feelings of not being good enough. But I was so new to all the things I was trying to do that I kept feeling like I wasn’t good enough to have the better world/life I wanted. So ever since, I have been deeply unsatisfied. Nothing is good enough. Not me, not the things around me.

And art used to be something I did for fun. It was for me. And I avoided having it evaluated by others because that could ruin it. I eventually, in my overconfidence, decided to have it evaluated and I lost my shit when I found out I wasn’t exactly good enough in that world either. I haven’t really recovered from that.

The truth is, my confidence doesn’t come from perfection. It comes from seeing myself improve. Doing things I previously didn’t think I was good enough for. So the trick to feeling better, is to do new things.

[jordoalejandro]

The Sixth Annual List of TV Shows I Saw the Past Year

The list kind of caught me off-guard this year. A little while ago I was thinking, “I should check out when the Emmys are” and then I did and it was a few weeks away and then I thought, “Oh dang, better get going on that.”

This is a shorter list than previous years. It’s in part because, again, I forgot the Emmys were coming up and so I just didn’t watch the new seasons of a handful of shows and also, I don’t know, I guess I just didn’t watch that many shows period. I was probably doing other stuff. It’s none of your business.

So anyway, I eventually got going on the list and now here it is: the list of shows I’ve watched since-ish the last Emmy Awards (9/19/21).

40. Riverdale (Season 6 - 2021-2022, CW) (Last year’s ranking: 39) - I don’t know if this is the worst show I watched this year. Probably not. But that’s how it feels to me on a personal level. “Hate watching” implies you’re getting some kind of perverse joy from watching a show you think is bad. I don’t think I’m doing that here. I think I’m “disappointed watching” this. The show just feels tired. The actors feel tired. Most of them seem like they’re phoning it in. The drama feels tired. A lot of repetitive beats. A lot of dull storylines. Even the wild swings the show takes feel tired. The main cast all get superpowers this season. Sure. Why not? The show is going through the motions and I’m going through the motions watching it. Season seven will mercifully be its last. Probably a season or two or three too late but it’s the right choice.

39. The Last O.G. (Season 4 - 2021, TBS) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - The show went through another overhaul in-between seasons. After a really bad season three, I was hoping to see some improvement but unfortunately it didn’t seem to help. The writing wasn’t as terribly broad as it was in season three, but it wasn’t good either. The storylines and jokes were way too obvious. The drama felt forced. The show as a whole came across as weirdly amateurish. The acting from the non-main characters was community theater-level. Even things like the sets, the lighting, and the camera work were all really cheap looking. The whole thing often felt like a college production class. The best parts of the season all came from what was likely Tracy Morgan improvising. He and Ryan Gaul are trying to wring laughs out of the material but you can only do so much. Da’Vine Joy Randolph, who I’ve shouted out multiple times on this blog, was again excellent. Way too strong an acting job for a show like this but she has not disappointed in anything I’ve seen her pop up in.

38. The Endgame (Season 1 - 2022, NBC) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - This probably could’ve slotted in a few spots higher, just on a quality level, but it’s down here because I got so tired with its nonsense by the end of the season. It’s one of those shows where the main character villain has this insanely complicated plan with a thousand moving parts and they’re always one step ahead. Even when those types of thrillers are done well they can be exhausting to watch and stretch the boundaries of what you’re willing to logically accept. This one was not done particularly well so it mostly just turned the FBI agent protagonists into complete morons when the situation called for it. Lots of making of decisions that you as a viewer immediately know will backfire (and you usually already know how they'll backfire). A frustrating watch. The central mystery and backstory wasn’t exactly interesting either, so really what are you even getting out of this?

37. La Brea (Season 1 - 2021, NBC) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - A mostly nonsense show. A bunch of CGI that is SyFy channel-level bad, as is most of the acting. Weirdly, not a ton actually happens on a show that is about characters being thrown back in time. Lots of uninteresting conversations and walking around, mostly, and then every now and then our heroes are attacked by a Windows XP saber-toothed tiger.

36. Welcome to Flatch (Season 1 - 2022, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - A shockingly unfunny show. I’ve wondered this about comedies, how some of them seem incapable of even just accidentally running into something hilarious. You have all these writers and directors and actors working on this and you still go three or four episodes without a solid laugh. Not a single person pitched even an A- joke over that span. A show like this might actually be able to get away with that lack of humor if it made up for it in the story or characters. Come up with a plot that has some surprises or some heart or something. This show has just about none of it. Flat plots, flat characters. I say all of this generally. There are moments in this – which is why it’s a few spots up from the bottom of the list – where there’s a glimmer of hope. You squint and go, “Oh, okay, maybe…” So I do think there’s still some potential here for the show to be better but the writing must improve. A lot.

35. The Flash (Season 8 - 2021-2022, CW) (Last year’s ranking: 40) - Another CW show, like Riverdale, that feels like it’s limping to the finish line. A disjointed season. A lot of stuff from seasons past thrown at the wall but nothing sticking. Instead of feeling like, “Ooh, a blast from the past” it comes off more like they’re out of ideas. I think the problem is that, look: the guy’s superpower is running fast. This show is eight seasons and 170+ episodes in and though the writers have tried here and there to make the Flash have something different to do than “run faster than he’s ever run before,” at the end of the day, that’s what it comes down to. It's probably hard to keep finding new stories when that’s the core you must return to every time. At least, I assume it must be because it seems like they haven’t been able to find those new stories for several seasons now.

34. Batwoman (Season 3 - 2021-2022, CW) (Last year’s ranking: 38) - In some of Arrow’s (and to a lesser extent, Flash’s) better seasons, you forgot it was a CW show. The quality of the writing, acting, and production was good enough to do that. Batwoman, in its three seasons of existence, never got there. It frankly never got close. It started out fine-ish and got worse. The characters were not compelling, the acting was mostly sub-par, and the writing, in terms of both dialogue and plot, was almost always weak. It’s a show that didn’t know its third season would be its last but which limped to the finish line all the same. It’s become a CW tradition!

33. The Walking Dead: World Beyond (Season 2 - 2021, AMC) (Last year’s ranking: 34) - Ultimately a forgettable, disposable show. No real high points or low points in the second and final season. It was probably slightly worse than the first season just because it split up the main cast for most of it but not by a whole lot. In the end, the show ran its course, told its story, and left very little impact.

32. The Blacklist (Season 9 - 2021-2022, NBC) (Last year’s ranking: 28) - Here’s how you know The Blacklist is in some trouble. In the early seasons, when an episode’s title would appear at the start of the program, it would have the name of the character on the titular Blacklist who would be the focus of the episode and then it would have their number on the list. So you would get some in the low 100-150 range and know, “Okay this is more of a weird, side villain.” Then you’d get a few in the 20-100 range and know they were a more serious foe. And then, around the end of the season, you’d start to get to the people under 20 who were like the big bads of the season or other main characters. Well, the creators of the show clearly didn’t plan for it to go on this long. They had probably put about 150 names on the list and now, almost 200 episodes into the show’s run, they’ve run through all the good numbers and have had to expand the list, putting themselves in a place where they're constantly scraping the bottom of the barrel. Every episode now starts with, like, “Bad Guy of the Week. No. 179.” or some similarly high number. It sounds very silly but it has to be this way to logically work with the show’s lore. You can’t suddenly introduce someone who’s extremely dangerous because James Spader’s know-it-all character at the center of the show would’ve placed them nearer to the top of the Blacklist. Thus, you end up with a season here that feels kind of lame. (And, by the way, it’s not going to get better on this front. You can’t invent new numbers.) Look, even trapped into this lore corner, the show could’ve written its way out. It didn’t really. It was a pretty weak season and probably an indication they’re going to need to switch some things up going forward to inject some life into this thing. (In fairness to the show, they seemed to understand this and there was some indication at the end of the season that they might be doing just that. Guess we’ll see.)

31. Bob’s Burgers (Season 12 - 2021-2022, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: 30) - For the last few years, the show has been hovering down here on this list. It tends to reel off an excellent episode once a year, but outside of that it feels like it doesn’t have a lot of surprises left. The plots have familiar beats. The dialogue, especially, is starting to feel stale. It might have to do with the bones of the show. It’s about a pretty basic family and its stories are told in a pretty grounded way, more so than the other cartoons it shares a Sunday evening lineup with, so maybe there’s just so many places you can go with it and after a while, it feels like you’ve seen it all.

30. Abbott Elementary (Season 1 - 2021-2022, ABC) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - I’m shocked this show has received the level of praise and accolades that it has. As of season one, it’s a supremely average show with just a few high points. Its characters are broad, bordering on one-note caricatures. Its plots and jokes are basic, often going exactly the way you think they’re going to go. There’s definitely potential here if they can sharpen things but it’s wild to see people falling over themselves to laud what is an unremarkable workplace comedy.

29. Tales of the Walking Dead (Season 1 - 2022, AMC) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - As I’ve written before about anthology shows, they’ll really only take you as far as the story of the week connects with you. Some weeks are better, some weeks are worse. I will note that this particular show, so far, seems to have a problem getting there. Like, some of these episodes will have a good nugget of an idea (episode two being a time-loop story) but then fail to really deliver a truly satisfying episode (it doesn’t use the time-loop structure particularly well and then ends on a pretty flat note). It feels like they haven’t done a good job of figuring out how to tell a sharp story in just an hour’s time. I think this show has potential (one-off stories in the zombie apocalypse that can get really wild and weird) but it needs to figure out how to hone its storytelling to reach it.

28. Fear the Walking Dead (Season 7 - 2021-2022, AMC) (Last year’s ranking: 11) - Season six of the show ended with a bunch of bombs going off, creating a nuclear wasteland. On last year’s list, I noted this set up an intriguing seventh season. I’m here to report it was not as intriguing as I’d hoped. It honestly felt like the show just got away from the producers. They wanted to pit main characters against one another but couldn’t kill them so a lot of the season became this back and forth dance where characters would fight and yell at each other and then retreat and do it again an episode or two later. Unclear character motivations. Janky plots. A real disjointed season. The show ultimately did kill off quite a few characters by the end of the season which is probably a good thing. It’ll make it easier to do another hard-ish reset. This show has gone through one before and been made better for it. I think that can be the case here.

27. Ghosts (Season 1 - 2021-2022, CBS) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - A fine freshman season for Ghosts with a handful of solid episodes and a few above-average ones. It’s not a particularly funny show. Maybe a couple laughs throughout the whole thing, but it will occasionally nail a story and show off some surprising depth. Still, I do wish it was funnier. It’s in love with the joke of the main girl who can hear the ghosts responding to something one of the ghosts said and then scrambling to cover up when a person who can’t see the ghosts goes “Excuse me?” It also particularly likes having the ghosts yell continuously at someone, trying to get them to hear them even though they’ve been dead for centuries and know they cannot be heard. They keep yelling though, because the writers find it funny when the main girl snaps at them and, once again, has to weakly explain to someone who can’t see or hear the ghosts why she yelled. They overused these joke setups to the point of embarrassment. The show also has another problem: its whole concept is that this couple obtains a mansion deep in the woods and then starts seeing and interacting with the ghosts that are stuck there. Something like 80-90% of the show takes place in said mansion in the woods. This leads to plot after plot of some guest character randomly visiting. You really quickly start seeing the sitcom writing gears turning underneath (“Don’t forget, my boss is coming to stay the weekend.” “I can’t believe your sister showed up uninvited!” etc. etc.). This is coming off more negatively than I feel about the show. I’m sort of neutral about it. I’d like to see where it goes and if it can improve, but I am worried about these things I mentioned. They could turn this into a very grating show very quickly.

26. Zoey’s Extraordinary Christmas (TV Film - 2021, The Roku Channel) (Last year’s ranking: 32) - Listen, should this have been on the Movies I Saw list? I guess? It's not really a movie. It's more of a TV show holiday special. And really what it was was a sort of pilot for the Roku Channel to see if there was value in trying to produce more episodes of this show. So in this increasingly blurred area between TV and film, I’m calling it TV. Also, it just felt like TV. It was like a decent two-part Christmas episode of this show, so that’s why it’s in this post and that’s why it’s landed here on this list. Sue me.

25. The Simpsons (Season 33 - 2021-2022, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: 23) - I’ll pass on writing too much about the 33rd season of The Simpsons. I’ll just note it was a decent season, with the high point being a two-part homage to Fargo that was a lot of fun (33.6 and 33.7 - "A Serious Flanders Parts 1 & 2").

24. Snowpiercer (Season 3 - 2022, TNT) (Last year’s ranking: 21) - Snowpiercer had an alright season though I do think it’s reaching the end of the line (pun absolutely and thoroughly intended). It’s been renewed for a fourth and final season and that feels right. It’s been three seasons of basically battling back and forth for control of the train and it’s starting to get a little tired. They do a decent job of flipping the script every now and then and keeping the show fresh enough to be enjoyable, but there’s probably only so many times you can do that.

23. The Walking Dead (Season 11A - 2021-2022, AMC) (Last year’s ranking: 29) - It’s not the most inspired season The Walking Dead has done, but it’s pretty good overall. It has dipped its storytelling toe into classism in a post-apocalypse high society (what seemed like a utopia has a dark underside! whoa!) and it’s like: do we have to? Aren’t there enough shows already doing this in some form or another? The Walking Dead has always worked better as more of a survivalist story. It’s dirtier. And it has zombies. I would’ve preferred that but this is, like I said, pretty good overall still.

22. The Great North (Season 2 - 2021-2022, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: 24) - Solid sophomore season. I don’t have a ton to add. It’s pretty comfortable in its role already.

21. Duncanville (Season 3 - 2022, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: 22) - I’d come to enjoy this show. I think it was starting to find its groove. At times, its tone and humor reminded me a little bit of one of my favorite animated shows ever, The Critic. Duncanville wasn’t entirely close, in terms of consistent quality, but there were moments where I saw it. Anyway, the show got canceled. (Maybe. They’re going to put the remaining completed episodes on Hulu and see if Hulu has interest picking it up for more but I’m expecting it’ll probably join the graveyard of so many other shows that went unsaved by a streamer.)

20. 9-1-1: Lone Star (Season 3 - 2022, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: 13) - I like most of the characters on this show so that keeps me interested, even when things get pretty silly.

19. CSI: Vegas (Season 1 - 2021, CBS) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - The original CSI was always solid as a crime procedural but was particularly good at creating likable characters. This reboot/sequel series isn’t quite there yet but shows some promise. It did a fine job with the crime stories, but the new characters were just alright. It was a smart move to bring William Petersen back as he injected immediate likability, but he only joined for a one season arc and won’t be returning for season two. The success of the show is going to rest on how well they can continue to flesh out the new characters now that he’s gone.

18. Impeachment: American Crime Story (Season 3 - 2021, FX) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - It certainly has its moments, and it picked up momentum as the season went on, but I do think there was just not quite enough meat on the bones for the full 10 episodes. Strong acting performances.

17. Family Guy (Season 20 - 2021-2022, FOX) (Last year’s ranking: 18) - Good year for Family Guy. No real stinkers, though nothing that really stood out as exceptional either. Lots of average to pretty good episodes, which is a nice quality level to maintain for 20 shows, at least.

16. American Dad! (Season 19A - 2022, TBS) (Last year’s ranking: 9) - This show aired the first eight episodes of this season in January and just aired the ninth episode of season 19 this past week. So I guess I’m just reviewing the first eight episodes of the season, which I’ve dubbed season 19A, and I’m here to report: they were good.

15. Ms. Marvel (Season 1 - 2022, Disney+) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - Good humor and characters. Clever visuals. Decent action sequences. Probably the one knock is that it was trying to show off so many aspects of Pakistani Muslim culture throughout that a lot of times it came off a little too much like a Wikipedia article on the subject. The dialogue was so clearly written to give the viewer cultural information that it came off extremely unnatural and pulled you out of things.

14. Archer (Season 12 - 2021, FXX) (Last year’s ranking: 25) - Another strong season for Archer. I mentioned last year that they returned the show to its spy roots and I think it’s been a positive move. They’re only doing eight episodes a year now and it’s back in their comfort zone so they can focus on what they do well and put out good episode after good episode.

13. Legends of Tomorrow (Season 7 - 2021-2022, CW) (Last year’s ranking: 15) - Remember what I wrote about Batwoman? How you never forgot it was a CW show? The same could be said for Legends of Tomorrow, but in a good way. Low budget, silly concept, sort of no reason to exist. And yet, basically from around season three on, everyone in the cast and crew realized that that CW-ness of it all freed them up to do whatever the hell they wanted. The show took big swings – sometimes missed, often landed – but they were never afraid to go for the wildest thing they could think of. Very few shows on the basic broadcast channels do that and I’ll miss this one because of it.

12. Animal Kingdom (Season 6 - 2022, TNT) (Last year’s ranking: 10) - I’ll miss this show, too. For me, it was the perfect summer show. Fun escapism, a great vibe. This is the exact kind of show you want 10-13 episodes of from late May through August. As for season six of this show, though? Last year, after a somewhat weaker fifth season I predicted a very good final season. And well… look, this final season was fine. It was probably my least favorite of all the seasons but it was fine. I enjoyed it for the most part but ultimately, it felt uninspired. Let me get spoilery and dive deep into it for a little here. So the thing is: this show, for its first four seasons, was really about Ellen Barkin’s character Smurf. She was the matriarch of this crime family and her extremely complicated relationship with her sons and grandson was the primary driving force of this show. What was being set up through the early seasons was the final clash between Smurf and her grandson J. It was pretty clear -- because this was a crime show and crime shows all sort of head towards the same bleak ending -- that things would get bad and bloody and the empire would fall and the only question would be who would survive in the end. But then something interesting happened. Smurf was killed off in the penultimate episode of season four. (From what I can tell, this was more a personnel-based decision rather than a plot-based one.) And then another interesting thing happened. The episode after Smurf’s death was fascinating. It wasn’t a revolutionary episode but the vibe was totally different. It was like a cloud had been lifted. Smurf had been this domineering, abusive presence in all these characters’ lives for so long and for the first time, they were free of her. And you saw hints in that episode that maybe these characters might be able to change course. That the show might be able to explore what it would be like to get out from under her shadow and try to build their own lives (while still doing fun stuff like heists and what have you). Season five kind of built on this idea, but you could tell it was struggling a little bit with what to do without Smurf as the big bad at the core of it. And season six was kind of a mess in a similar sense. It spent a lot of time sort of searching for stuff to do. There were a lot of subplots for the majority of the early part of season six that never really paid off and, in retrospect, now feel like they were killing time until we got to the endgame of the season and of the show. And what was that endgame? Basically what it always had been. That's really the most disappointing thing. That after everything, it came back to J needing revenge against a woman who’s been dead for a while. Of course, it’s hard to write out a satisfying plot revolving around getting revenge on a dead person, so the writers had J instead turn his vengeful eye towards Smurf’s sons, essentially for not standing up to her in their youth. They were victims of her abuse, too. That’s something the show showed us multiple times while she was alive and weirdly, drove home even harder with flashbacks after her character was dead. And yet the writers chose to lean back into the most obvious ending. One that felt like it was outlined in season one. For me, if you’re going to do something so bold as to kill off the main villain of the show in season four of six, you have to be willing to adjust. To change things and explore new paths and new endings. By not doing that, by sticking with what was likely the original ending, it made basically everything we’ve seen since Smurf’s death feel pointless. Why did we go through any of this? Why not just end the show at season four then? I want to stress again: I didn’t even hate this season. It more or less worked. But I think I’m just disappointed. This show had always done a good job of surprising me. Of swerving when I didn’t expect it. And for its big finale, it rode right along the rails to an inevitable, unsurprising finish. 

11. The Book of Boba Fett (Season 1 - 2021-2022, Disney+) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - There’s some fun stuff in here and certainly some wonkiness. It’s weirdly more The Mandalorian season 2.5 than its own separate thing. It’s like if a TV show took four episodes in the middle of the season and followed a side character for a while, which I guess is the sort of experimental thing you can do in the age of streaming. In that sense, it’s certainly not my favorite season of The Mandalorian, but entertaining nonetheless.

10. Mr. Mayor (Season 2 - 2022, NBC) (Last year’s ranking: 7) - This was a very funny show and I was really enjoying it which meant it was only a matter of time until it was canceled. It felt like it had a lot of life left in it and it’s a real shame that it’s already gone.

9. Love, Victor (Season 3 - 2022, Hulu) (Last year’s ranking: 8) - Love, Victor is another show, like Animal Kingdom, that had a messy final season. Also, like Animal Kingdom, I enjoyed it anyway. I can just also acknowledge that it was a bit of a mess. For the first five or six episodes this year, everything was rolling along like a normal season, and then, sort of suddenly, in the last couple of episodes, everything picks up the pace to an extreme level. Plots are wrapped up, characters break up and get together with other people, big life decisions are made, and then the show kind of just ends. I have no real knowledge of the situation, but seasons one and two had ten episodes apiece and season three had eight. My guess is that the producers were told late in the process that season three was the end and they needed to wrap things up, so they tried to do that as quickly as possible in the remaining episodes they had. And it wraps up fine – the characters all sort of sprint to their satisfying endpoints – but you definitely don’t get a lot of time to catch your breath as it does.

8. American Auto (Season 1 - 2021-2022, NBC) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - Created by the same guy who created Superstore and it has a lot of that show’s DNA in it. Not that it’s particularly original DNA. It’s a workplace comedy. But this is a good one. It performed well right out of the gate and had a couple of really excellent episodes in its first season.

7. Our Flag Means Death (Season 1 - 2022 - HBO Max) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - A delightful comedy that had a surprising amount of layers to it. You think it’s going to be a silly pirate show but it unfolds into this unexpectedly sweet love story. Great characters.

6. Obi-Wan Kenobi (Miniseries - 2022, Disney+) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - Like The Book of Boba Fett, there’s definitely a little wonkiness to this, but there’s a lot of excellent stuff as well. It’s great to see Ewan McGregor back in this role and he does a wonderful job with it. Really strong finish.

5. Only Murders in the Building (Season 2 - 2022, Hulu) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - It’s fun enough just watching Steve Martin and Martin Short play off of each other and do their thing. It’s even better when you add Selena Gomez, who is, weirdly, a fantastic third person in this grouping. It’s even better when you add in a compelling mystery at the core of the season. This is a cleverly written show with a fun cast of characters and a surprising bit of humanity as well.

4. Moon Knight (Miniseries - 2022, Disney+) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - First off, Oscar Isaac is so good at the center of this. He plays multiple characters in this and each one has his own charm. The show itself is a real ride. It’s only six episodes but it reinvents itself like three times throughout. It’s funny, it’s trippy and mind-bending, it has solid action pieces. If there’s one knock against it, the ending is fairly weak. It’s a shame it couldn’t really stick the landing, but what came before was very strong and that’s why it’s up here.

3. Succession (Season 3 - 2021, HBO) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - I’d been meaning to catch up on this show for a while and finally did and it is as good as everyone says. So sharply written. Great score. Fantastic acting from the entire cast.

2. Hawkeye (Miniseries - 2021, Disney+) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - The MCU’s Die Hard. It’s six lean episodes that are all a ton of fun. The heroes are great, they have plus chemistry and play off each other well. The villains are unique. The action scenes are excellently done. The dialogue is strong. There are some fun twists and turns. It’s not the most groundbreaking show but it just delivers episode after episode and I enjoyed it immensely. 

1. Winning Time: The Rise of the Lakers Dynasty (Season 1 - HBO) (Last year’s ranking: N/A) - I love what this show did with the sports drama. It understood that the story it was telling, about the 1980s Showtime Lakers, had all these personalities that were larger than life, so it decided to tell the story like that. Go bigger than big. Everything about this is going for it. It’s shot and edited over the top. The plots are exaggerated versions of what happened. The acting is big. John C. Reilly is doing an amazing job as Jerry Buss but there’s great acting from just about the whole cast.

I do feel like it’s almost a little unfair to have so many Disney+ miniseries near the top of the list. They have huge budgets and only have to support six episodes versus twenty or so. I should probably have some kind of weighted system or something to balance that out but that’s way too much math so I’m not going to do that.

Enjoy the Emmys.

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Read More:

Annual Lists of TV Shows I Saw the Past Year

#reviews #Annual Lists of TV Shows I Saw The Past Year

[corvidshipping]

something i have recently gained self confidence in is surprisingly my intelligence. which is like the last thing i ever expected to gain self confidence in, for two reasons.

those being that i’ve kind of lived most of my adolescent and adult life thinking of myself as pretty average intelligence at best (i kind of thought of myself as super smart as a kid but i honestly chalked that up to me generally having a big ego when i was young). and tbh that’s a common thing for ppl with adhd so that may be part of it bc my own adhd always made me think of myself as this lazy, unambitious, unmotivated, unintelligent person before i had the words to describe it and tbh even still having the words and knowledge to explain it. but it’s also an inherent thing. like people called me smart and stuff but i didn’t believe them bc i figured they said that bc i read a lot when i was a kid (as in i would literally get in trouble for reading TOO much when i wasn’t supposed to. and also why did i read the dictionary for fun), and i was good at english/language bc it came very easily to me and bc i could spout information but tbh that’s not being smart imo, it’s just remembering things. and ppl would be like you’re smart bc you learned japanese on your own without any tutor or anything, or bc you memorized jabberwocky when you were 10, or bc you would have full conversations when you were like 7 about the symbolism and foreshadowing in h*rry p*tter. but tbh? id always be like “thank you” but in my head kind of diminish it because like. it’s been a decade and im still not anywhere close to fully fluent in japanese, let alone even passing my JLPT5, and memorizing one seven stanza poem is honestly not exactly going to get me into mensa. and i always passed the latter off as me just spouting the things i would hear other ppl say back at my mom so i discredited it. and the other reason is that being very smart is just not my main goal. and holy shit please don’t take that as me saying being smart isn’t good or anything, obviously it’s valuable and a good goal to have and we should always seek to improve our knowledge and you should only stop learning when you’re dead. but like. while it’s something i value it’s just? not my main goal. if i had the ultimatum between being really really smart but not a very nice person, or being kind of dumb but being a good hearted person, i would always pick the latter. my main value is just Being A Good Person, seeking to do right even if you don’t always do perfect. being kind to people and being someone ppl can trust. i do think intelligence is a good, great thing to have but honestly it’s not even the thing i seek out most in other people. like i really would prefer anyone i hang around to have basic common sense but tbh? if you aren’t that book smart or maybe you kind of don’t make connections in your head all the time it is really not something i notice unless it becomes like, a genuine problem that prevents you from advancing or you somehow hurt other people. i really would rather hang with someone who’s at their core a kind person than anything else. so like it kind of hurt to think of myself as not smart but i really tried not to think abt it much bc in the end it is not my main goal or my foremost core value.

but like i’m kind of meeting more ppl lately. and i’ve been like, less sheltered for a while now like since i was 16 so idk why this is happening more NOW but ever since i moved states it feels like i’ve been realizing this more. i’ve been meeting a lot of different ppl especially at my job and like. given where i work you’d expect a ton of crazy smart people to come through and they definitely do, lots of fascinating conversations about culture and art and im realizing that i can actually hold conversations with them and i actually get what they’re saying even if it’s not about something i already understood. which is part of it. but also. oh my god this is gonna sound so mean. but i’m realizing that i am also… smarter than a lot of people i encounter. and i’m realizing maybe the reason i always thought of myself as not smart is because i only ever had smart people to compare myself to. because i said before i was very sheltered growing up, i didn’t really go to school (i cringe to imagine what it would have been like if i had, being neurodivergent. all the ‘smart but doesn’t apply themself’ notes id have gotten), i barely had friends (i had a few scattered playmates honestly, except for maybe one family in florida) and i never had a close one until i was 7 and never talked to them about serious things till i was 10 or 11. i didn’t know really any of my extended family. i pretty much only regularly interacted with my direct family from childhood till i was maybe 16 or 17. so like, laying it out. my mom is super fucking smart, quick as a whip and witty as fuck and she’s the reason i’m so good at language and had the forethought to speak french to me since i was a baby so even though i don’t speak it, that helped with my neuroelasticity and capacity to learn language even if she didn’t realize it. my dad is ALSO super fucking smart, spoke spanish to me like my mom did with french, knows a million instruments and always learning more and knows more coding languages than im sure of, good at math which i am very not, introduced me to a good third of my music taste (another third was my mom) which is absolutely why i listen to basically anything bc he taught me that any genre can be worth listening to, had deep philosophical conversations with me as soon as i was smart enough and old enough to start asking those questions and didn’t just tell me ‘you’ll understand when you’re older’, taught me to ask questions always even if people don’t like it. my older sisters are crazy smart in all the ways my parents are and i swear they pick up new skills the day they decide to try them. even the people i choose to hang around always tend to end up being super smart. my chosen brother is smart as hell, analyzes media like no one else his reading comprehension is off the charts. my best friend is almost through college in a fucking HARD major and every time she talks about her homework i am absolutely lost on what she’s saying and i love her for understanding it. so like. i was always thinking i was average at best because the only thing i had to compare myself to was also. other smart people. like of course i thought that. to me, my average WAS smart.

but i’m realizing basically that was really skewed. not that other people are stupid cause jesus. no. and i don’t want to seem like im putting people down or anything. im just realizing like. average is not what i thought it was. honestly even common sense isn’t what i thought it was necessarily. a lot of ppl do not make the connections i thought everyone made, or extrapolate new information based on information already given like i thought they did. because. everyone i grew up around. is smarter than me. but that doesn’t mean im stupid. it doesn’t mean anyone else is stupid. it does mean though that i had a very very skewed perception of how smart i had to be to be considered smart, and it does mean that my average is very different from other ppls. and it does mean that i am never ever letting someone try to put me down and insult and discourage me by calling me stupid or treating me like i’m unintelligent ever again. never ever again. in fact i may laugh at them bc of this.

idk. my value in life is still being nice. i’m still always gonna put that first. it’s still more important to me to care for others and share and be trustworthy and helpful and make other ppl happy than to be smart. but like it certainly fuckin helps me care for others more effectively if i’m smart cause i’ll know what to do. so i guess like. maybe i am smart

#paperheart.txt #SIGH this is long #i can’t sleep bc i keep almost getting kicked off my bed. #just a lot of realizations. growing up with stuff can really really skew your idea of the world and yourself #and the only thing that can really change it is just. going out and experiencing the world and life. #and realizing that those are not everyone else’s experiences. #i rly rly grew up thinking i was stupid af bc i didn’t know what to compare myself to and bc of a few ppl i trusted who tried to put me down