#Am Allowed To Want More Than Neutrality Sometimes For Myself And Others. we are allowed to want to be found sincerely desirable
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About the Damon Baker x Kris Gustin photo session and what it means to me as a queer artist obsessed with Joker Out
Note, this is not me trying to look smart and trying to talk about someone else's art pieces, although my dearest Daria made a small analysis on the Kris-Bojan set that I found very interesting, and it is interesting that these are a somewhat subjective views of Bojan and Kris's souls, or at least a visual representation of themselves as people. In any case, this is, if anything, an overview of what these art pieces make me feel and their significance to me.
First I must admit, as an artist, that these photos are beautiful and actually hold a lot of artistic value from my perspective. I think these should be seen as pieces of art and must be perceived in a different way than other Joker Out photos. However it is still very interesting how much these photos actually talk about the subject: these pieces are an exploration of Kris Gustin, the person portrayed, and I've honestly never have seen portraits that explore the nature of the subject in such a personal manner. Kris is displayed in a subjective, intimate way, whether how Damon sees him or how Kris himself sees himself deep down. I'm sure more elaborate and accurate explanations of Damon's art can be found online, as I actually didn't know of his work until now, but as I was able to read he focus a lot on the intimacy of the subject.
Anyways, there's a clear theme this session follows: femeninity and vulnerability. The usage of visible makeup (a first time for Kris on camera if I'm aware), the flowers, the exposed skin, the cloth (a typical femenine piece of clothing on Balkan/Slavic cultures), I think they were all choices to purposefully provide a more femenine vision of Kris. But he still allows himself to do poses similar to those I've seen him do before, there's still a hint of the Kris I know, his posing flows naturally and doesn't feel forced because this is just a natural extension of what he is, this is a natural exploration of his most femenine side, he is simply letting himself flow.
I think we all know Kris seems to be a man with a complex relationship with normative gender roles. Even as a cishet man he has this appearance and mannerisms that can be more related to a more "femenine" convention of gender and I have always wondered if he has ever struggled with this, and that if he has ever felt forced to keep the normative conventions of what a man should be. Things like asking to have his hair cut shorter after being called a girl when he was a child, or denying to be put makeup on by fans, he sometimes tried to run away from things that could be perceived as "feminine", maybe out of insecurity, maybe out of fear.
But there he is,
Glitter on his eyes,
Flower in his head,
Embracing himself.
I am a person with a complex relationship with gender roles. I was born a woman. I am short and tiny and have feminine features that simply cannot be ignored. I will forever be perceived as a woman by the people around me. I look like a girl, I have long hair because I am not allowed to have it short and I wear women's clothes. And while I don't want to be a girl, my relationship with femininity is actually very strong. I like pretty things, I like sparkles and pink, I like everything girly, I like girls. I've been told it's stupid to perceive myself as a guy since I look so girly, since I like so many girly things, and in times I don't feel I have deserved the masculine pronouns I use and my neutral name I've given myself (the ones I can only use online out of fear).
So I try to put some sense into it. I draw girly things because I like girly things. I draw men because I want to be like men. I draw men in pretty soft pinks and sparkles and sequins because that's what I am.
And I've found a safe place in Kris, with his non conforming masculinity that more often than not becomes femininity. As many other people like me, I like him because he helps me put sense to my feelings. I draw him in soft pastels and pretty clothes and delicate features because in my mind, if a man like him can be allowed to be femenine, then I can allow myself to feel the way I feel too. I can allow myself to simply not fit any binary gender convention, and I can allow myself to be myself. I like Kris because I find a part of me in himself, I relate to him and I see myself in his eyes. It is a complex relationship where I don't necessarily like him because I find him attractive, I am not actually sexually attracted to him; I see myself in him, in my own little weird way. I have distorted my own reality to make my own perception of him fit my needs. This is why I draw him the way I draw him. And perhaps that's why so many praise how I draw Kris. It is unique because it's personal. And I know he doesn't necessarily see himself this way, at least not in the degree I do. My Kris talks much more about how I see myself than how I see him. The way I draw Kris represents myself. My Kris is myself.
So when I saw him in this session, with the glimpse and the passion and the attitude I draw him like, it felt special.
"He looks like my art" I told myself. "He's seen himself the way I see him."
This is Kris,
This is my Kris,
This is me.
So I'm very thankful for Kris trying to open himself, and embracing this vulnerable side of him I purposefully push into the narrative of my art. He called these "therapy sessions", so I can't help but wonder if these have been helpful to him, if he has found something about him, if he has learnt to accept himself the way he is. He has helped me cope with complicated subjects of my life, and I cling to him to keep with life. He is my special little obsession that keeps me alive. So I can't help but sometimes wonder if he's happy, If he's loved, if he's content with himself.
And I think this exploration of himself will be very helpful to his soul. I am very proud of him, I am hopeful for his future, and I wish him the best.
I love you, my muse, and thank you for allowing yourself to see you with my own eyes.
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I’m expecting a baby boy and tbh have never given any thought to what it would be like to be the mother of a boy (having spent a LOT of time thinking about raising a girl in contrast to how I was raised). As someone who has good observations of both little kid society and of gender, what have you observed about little boy kids today?
my general observation is that even in this liberal area where many parents do an attempt* at gender neutrality, the girls and the boys end up cliqueing up according to gender and behavior. by this i mean: the majority of the boys only want to play with other boys, and play rough, roughhouse, do games where they "hunt" each other, play bad guys vs good guys, etc. the girls only want to socialize with other girls, and they do pretend games (either domestic or "fantasy" inspired like fairies and unicorns and princesses, although already at the age of 6 they're moving more into girl power superheroes), or sometimes just straight up circling up and gabbing with each other.
*i do think that since most of these parents are like, liberal liberal, the attempts are quite half-hearted.
i remember it being kind of like that when i was a kid too, except i didn't like either way of playing, and i would usually be off by myself doing my own little thing. when i got older i was kind of a "social butterfly," in that i liked flitting around between groups and had a lot of guy friends and a lot of girl friends, none of them terribly close, but a lot i could reliably "hang out" with and pass the time. i got along best with people who i could joke with or make smart references with.
as an adult i basically do the same thing tbh. i'm always just vibing doing whatever. the difference is i have more choices in who i can contact and spend more time with, and my closest friends are just as weird / gay / leftist / bookish / funny as i am. i find myself alienated by a lot of people, but they're also very very interesting to me, as case studies.
so in other words -- i do feel that there will be inevitably cliques that form around parroting gendered behaviors, but it's not inevitable that your kid will be constrained by that!
--
ANYway. as to what it's like to have a son. i really wouldn't know, personally! i have friends who have boys and it seems like everything will be all right as long as you're kind and gentle and model that for them. let them wear whatever colors they want and teach them how to stick up for themselves and others. then you'll already be miles ahead of the standard boy-parent.
we always said that if we had a boy it would be a bobby hill kind of kid. you know? we are goofy people, so we were always destined to have goofy kids. my kids are very into pink and princesses and fairies (i am actually sitting in their all-pink bedroom writing this), but more than that, they are good at critical thinking, they love to read, they are compassionate and funny and friendly and like to say and do things that weird me out. like showing me chewed up food or turning their eyelids inside out or making monster sounds. that's all good.
it's more important that we allow them to be weird little humans than anything else. and all kids are naturally weird. every human is! just don't let them experience shame about it.
be kooky and your kid will be kooky, trust me on that. and teach them to question everything. they'll inevitably be shaped by social pressures one way or another, but you can help them keep the flame of their individuality alive.
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Related to your post abt Gerard on social media and stuff : I don’t think Gerard leaving social media has anything to do with him being a celebrity and how he wanted to distance himself from his fans but more to do with how media highlighting news and it being overwhelming (he talked abt this a bunch of times) and it’s a real reason to leave social media. A lot of ppl do. Other than that I don’t think as fans, it was good either. While yeah some ppl are weird it’s always good to see your fav artist being just as normal as any other person. It debunks some weird artist standards. Besides that there were times that he had genuine conversations with fans abt movies, music and comics which again was refreshing to see as an artist because alot of celebrities try to be funny or just an asshole on the net. Personally what made me like him and care abt him out side of music was how he talks abt art in general. He’s an artist with a creative mind and while he wasn’t always talking abt art all the time it was just nice to have that kind of person on the internet. Not alot of celebrities talk like he does.
I’m not arguing with you and I’m not really interested in trying to figure out Gerard’s exact intentions and mindset with his actions. I’m not saying that in a negative tone I’m just saying it neutrally lol!! I based the idea that Gerard hates fame off of an interview he did a few years back. Specially, the part I’m including below. I didn’t mean to word it to make it sound like he was doing it out of resentment of his fans! I just think if someone hates fame but fails to distance themself from it, then they are going to start to resent the people who give them that attention. Just my opinion!
The excerpt:
(Transcribed: But fame isn't for me, and i don't think it ever was, though i briefly found myself welcoming of the attention, being that I felt invisible in high school, though that was largely by design, or the invisibility was something l embraced and fought to retain. I believe that fame is in some ways like a disease, and it either gets you or it doesn't. You either beat it or you don't, and it can be terminal for some people, as we sometimes see people under the microscope of fame succumb to suicide, or meet other tragic ends due to their situation. But there is hope, and there is learning. This is not a "woe is me" observation, and obviously there are comforts and benefits to being allowed to make art for a living, to have an audience, and I am extremely lucky to have that. But I have seen fame run rampant on people's psyche and physicality, and I see people in this situation caught in a loop, a cycle, of needing to feel relevant to feel self value, or to continue having a career, putting yourself worth and livelihood in other people's hands. And sometimes people do things in order to stay relevant, grasping tightly to that relevance, that are unbecoming, and I feel I was at times just as guilty of that. I learned a lot of lessons the hard way. and stepped away from the spotlight as much as possible, in order to take a hard look at myself - and ask myself the hard questions. I learned a lot by doing that. And I don't consider myself better or more evolved than people caught in that Ioop, have empathy for them, and I'm always rooting for them. I know I have gotten slightly off topic,…)
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I'm just on a roll of train of thought rambles tonight but also
Something I've noticed since I started working on the "retraining your nervous system" aspect of trauma informed... personal... stuff. Is that you can retrain. A Lot Of things about your brain
Lately I've been working on training myself to:
1. Accept the information that I have done harm as value neutral information about which I can make a decision going forward
2. In general view my own emotional state and the emotional states of those around me at any given time as Information, as well. This makes things feel much less urgent and allows me to feel I can take my time examining those emotions and thinking about where they're coming from and why and what would be the most productive way to handle them (usually the answer is to take care of my animal body for a few days and not put pressure on myself to make decisions immediately. And then think about it when it seems less dire) (this is related to rewiring your nervous system in that I am trying to not make decisions or have important conversations when I am in fight-or-flight mode, which for me is Often)
3. Approach others' feelings and opinions and behaviors with curiosity rather than judgment. This one is hard. And crucially doesn't mean excusing harm. But it also involves giving yourself grace to approach your past behaviors etc with the same attitude. Which is very good for brain)
4. Really thinking about what my goal is in any given interaction. Often this comes down to "I don't really want to even have an interaction about this" but when it's something you actually think about and examine calmly instead of doing it as a knee jerk avoidance behavior... that's really a reassuring thing to have practice doing bc you know you're making a Real Decision and not doing trauma response stuff
5. Thinking of boundaries as things *you* will do in response to others' behavior rather than lines in the sand trying to dictate that behavior. So you can say "if you talk to me like that I will leave the room" or "here is how I will be responding to that behavior in the future" that's just information for the other person, not telling them what to do, and it's VERY FREEING to relinquish any idea you have in your head about controlling others' behavior.. sometimes when we first start thinking about boundaries i think we can make the mistake that it means telling people they can't do or have to do x. It doesn't. Its not "hey uncle George you Cannot misgender me" it's "if you continue to misgender me I will not be able to trust you and i will not be maintaining a relationship with you" (FOR EXAMPLE). this isn't a better approach for 'don't tell other people what to do' reasons, it's a better approach because it GIVES YOU MORE CONTROL over your life and your interactions bc you've given thought to what YOUR choices and actions will be under various cirsumstances
Wow idk if this made any sense but yeah this is all the pip brain reprogramming playbook right now. Maybe it would be helpful for other people who are also trying to think about how to approach different ways of retraining your brain. I hope so. The more you practice. The easier it gets. Like learning an instrument. Because your brain makes shortcut pathways based on how often you do things. So practice what you want to be easier!!!
#you can also retrain your brain to actively seek joy and good faith in interactions#thats hard. ive been slowly having an easier time with it
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Hi again! I was the OG anon XD. Anyways, I hope ur doing well and all. Drink a cup of water and rest some- I know this may not apply to you, but still. :) Anyways, I came to rant again and get your honest opinion on WHB. Like, I don’t understand the part of being inclusive with male players. Don’t get me wrong, like, I’m fine with the game allowing male players, but that’s not exactly an Otome game, isn’t it? Like, its not actually targeted towards women, and it’s irritating that many fans make MC to be genderless… Like, it is an Otome game- Not a game “for everyone”. This isn’t offensive, but this will offend others. Like, come on. If prettybusy wanted a game for women, it should be for women- Sorry if I offend you, I just can’t shake this feeling off rn.
I agree with you.
Here are things to consider:
The adult industry(pornography(hentai, games, etc.) is mostly male dominated. There’s a 2% chance that anything even remotely explicit will pertain to the female audience. Go check yourself. Visit your favorite site to watch adult content and you’ll only ever find things for males. Femboys for males, Lesbians for males, despite being lesbians, men fetishize them. Also, thus, there’s more gay porn for men than there is straight porn for women. It’s rare you’ll ever find porn female-centered.
Hentai games like What in “hell” is bad? always include male players. If it’s explicit, expect it to be for males, because apparently “more men watch porn”.
Hentai games, which are usually for males and are as proven many times, never include female players. You’re always playing this man who may or may not be an average joe, have a beer belly, may have dark skin or a blank face, or even a normal creep. Despite this, he manages to snag his harem of women by doing minimal tasks. Like… Umm… Hello? That’s not how women actually are- I would know as I am one myself and so are you.
So why are female-oriented games inclusive but male-oriented games aren’t?: There’s no explanation for that. Apparently making something for half the population, women, is seen as so inclusive that men can also be included. That’s not true, nor should it be. That’s basically a way of looking over women and catering to gay men. I find it odd how there’s more inclusion for gay men than women. Like, there’s definitely more women on this earth. That being said, that doesn’t help women at all. Like, if you cared so much about making things female-orientated, there shouldn’t be a male option to choose between. I don’t understand why prettybusy decided that to be best especially when their games ��are for women”. Like, not really.
Making the MC neutral doesn’t contribute anything to female players, because if it actually were an otome game, and, as prettybusy said something along the lines of “We make MC’s face blank so others can relate more”, then making the MC female would definitely do the trick. If they clearly wanted female players to “relate to the MC”, then being genderless is not apart of that.
Other issues include:
The point of otome games are to raise and boost women’s confidence and self-worth. And creating an explicit otome games creates a bigger message: “A game for women that they can safely, unforgivably indulge in their desires and fantasies without being silenced”. This problem is still at large. Looking at pornography, women don’t receive foreplay, reassurance, or even viewed as humans sometimes. “Big butt latina”, “Petite asian chick”, “Hot ebony does […]”, “Sexy MILF”, “Curvy white chick”, “BBW does […]”… There’s a problem with all of these. They all either are (racist) stereotypes or unrealistic expectations.
“Petite asian”, “Big butt Latina” are either unrealistic or contributes to a beauty standard placed on women. Yes, it’s true many Asian women tend to be short and petite, but constantly putting labels like “petite” on them makes other women in comparison, usually blacks, appear more “masculine” or “unattractive”. “Big butt latinas” is a VERY high expectation of latin women. This doesn’t care about the well-being of the woman, but rather that assets she may or may not have. Women are more than butts.
Ebonies and BBWs: Ebonies isn’t a name I, as a black woman, would be comfortable of being called. The word ebony means black, which is a pretty stupid label to put on black women. Not all black women are dark-skinned and some aren’t even near the complexion of black. Secondly, saying Ebony meaning “black” emphasizes the skin tone of the individual. That’s fetishizing. Black women aren’t ebonies, they’re black women. People don’t call whites or Asians “ivory”, just mostly pale or fair. BBWs are beautiful, but mostly in porn they’re fetishized. Many people often associated BBWs as “curvy” or “voluptuous”. Not to say they aren’t, but that label doesn’t fit them since being “curvy” is defined as having either an hourglass figure, sometimes pear. Which means, that “curvy” women waists are supposedly small. Let’s just stick with what plus-size women since curvy only ever fetishizes them more.
MILFs: We all know the “step-son” in the porn isn’t a step-son. He’s just an actor in porn that he wants to live out his “taboo” fantasies. This is fairly the worst in my opinion. This is the most unrealistic, but not the worst one of expectations from women since, not every woman you see will be your step-mother-
In conclusion: Women don’t have much for them and are often shamed for their desires or fetishized. Female-oriented games should be for females.
#Otome what in”hell” is bad?#Otome#Otome games#Female-oriented#Female-orientated games#WHB?#What in “hell” is bad?#WHB opinions
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“Me? A Stargazer?”
Requests: Open
Hello and welcome to my Twisted Wonderland writing (side) blog! I’m your Stargazer, Vi! I’m here to collect your wishes and grant them in the form of writings!
This is my first time doing something like this but I’ve had so much fun reading others’ works that I decided to dip my hands in this to! I am fairly new to the series, so I’m not familiar with everything;; but I love the characters so much! I’ve read up to ch.6 but not all events/cards, so please bear with me while I familiarize myself with the cast!
I will be cross posting on here and AO3, so you can read on both sites! I post under the same username/url (Villainess Prefect)!
If you want to support me, you can always donate to my Ko-fi!
I also have commissions open that you can check out here!
Rules
No spamming requests, please! I know tumblr sometimes eats things, but please be patient! I can’t promise to get to everything, but I will try when I have the time.
Only NRC boys/students, no staff or RSA students (for now).
No bashing on other ships/characters allowed. I’m here for a good time not a bad one and I’m sure you are to.
Genres range from fluff to semi-dark. AUs, Yandere, and self-aware stuff are okay with me! I’m more inclined to write fluff more than anything, so thats my bias lol.
I won’t be writing explicit NSFW stuff or anything related to pregnancy.
My primary focus of this blog is writing scenarios/drabbles/oneshots! Sorry, no headcanons/bullet posts here!
If you do send in a request, please note:
1 character per request so I can really focus on them if you want an x reader.
I will default to reader being the Prefect and gender neutral if unspecified.
I won’t do those “reader is like [insert character here from a different series]”
You can send in ship requests for canon characters to!
My (personal) goal is to write things around 500-1k words for each thing sent.
And just a reminder that I may be better with some characters over others! We all have our bias, strengths and weaknesses and I am no different.
Not a rule, but would be cool if you could send in requests like a wish to keep in theme with this blog uwu/
Masterlist
Heartslabyul || Savanaclaw || Octavinelle || Scarabia || Pomefiore || Ignihyde || Diasmonia
Events
~Tell It to My Heart~ (100 followers & Valentines Day) - Closed & Completed
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Red White and Royal Blue Notes Day 5
WARNING- Spoilers for the movie and the book up to chapter 11
kay the two of them quoting historical love letters to each other is absolutely adorable! If someone did that for me I think I’d cry of happiness.
Henry telling Alex part of his life story in the form of a fairytale is really interesting. It allows Henry to have a sort of distance from the tragedy of his father’s death and the aftermath. The last paragraph is particularly good, and a really creative way for Henry to express his love for Alex
Alright the two are in the same country again, and normally that means a spicy scene, but I don’t actually think there will be one this time.
Oh God! I did NOT need to know that information about LBJ
Okay so with the President, Zahra and now Oscar the total of people who know about Alex and Henry is 10- we are now in the doubled digits, and based on the fact that at least two of those people put together on their own, I’m honestly shocked that more people don’t know. Alex is definitely not a subtle as he things he is.
“I-I don’t know I thought you might need to have, like a Catholic moment about this or something?” Why is this similar to what I though when I came out to my parents. They were way more chill about it than I thought. They were just kinda like okay and moved on.
“Have a little more faith in your old man that that eh A little appreciation for the patron saint of gender-neutral bathrooms in California? Little Sh*t.” (255) That was really funny, and also almost word for word in the movie!
I like that Alex tells his dad that his mom made a PowerPoint about the situation and his dad’s like- yea that sounds like your mom.
“Sometimes you just have to jump and hope it’s not a cliff.” (256). If I recall correctly this was in the movie to, I really like this quote.
Alright so the sex was more implied that an actual scene, so I was right there was no spicy scene. If Henry gets back to England before an spicy scene I’m going to give myself a point.
I thinks it’s funny that out of, petulant, short and not pleasant before until after 10 am, Alex takes the most umbridge with being called short.
Dose making out in the kitchen count as a spicy scene? Okay new rule- it doesn't count as spicy scene unless 1. It’s an actual scene so for example if two people wake up next to each other the next morning in their birthday suits that doesn't count. 2. one or more people become pantsless for purposes of adult activities, it can fade to black before the act it’s self but not before one or more of the parties are sans pants, or their is some other strong indicator that the act is going to happen.
Okay well now I’m having another dos it count moment, per the rules someone has to be sans pants for the purpose of adult activities and seems like Henry is pantless but he did to jump into the lake? Like I’m really confused? I mean I think it was getting there but they didn’t? I think If I’m confused as to wether or not the criteria it doesn't. Like it seems like the scene was headed in that direction but just never got there. So I’m going to go with no, no, it wasn’t
I have another prediction point.I am now at 6.
I knew that Henry was going to start ignoring Alex bc I’ve watched the movie but it’s still making me sad
Alex finding that note- ugh my heart.
You’re at work, don’t cry, don’t cry don cry!
Okay so Zahra has to at least ship it a little bit, because she only nearly refuses to secure a car for Alex in England.
Did Alex leave a note telling anyone where he went? Well I guess Zahra knows were he is
“My birthright is a country, not happiness.” That made me really sad, poor Henry, I just want to give him a hug and tell him everything will be okay.
Ugh Henry is crying, I can’t take it!
Ok geez that spicy scene came out of nowhere!
I love that Henry references Darcy. I think a lot of men are afraid to reference Pride and Prejudice or even read it because they think it’s a girly romance novel, but Henry doesn't care. I think it just goes to show how much Henry can be himself around Alex, and of course he’s read Pride And Prejudice because Jane Austen.
Henry is absolutely correct. Who in their right mind eats plain toast? At least put some butter on it! Like I’m sorry but eating plain toast unless you have a stomach bug is an affront to, bread, breakfast, and humanity.
“If there’s any legacy for me on this bloody earth, I want it to be true.” (280)
I love that June has texted Alex 46 times, and Nora’s just chill about the thing. Like everyone else is freaking the f*ck out and Nora’s like eh whatever, have you seen my shoes?
Also “I’m going to punch you in the face when you get back, I can’t believe you didn’t tell me.” and “I swear to God if you do something stupid and get yourself caught, I’m gonna kill you myself.” (281) while also wanting to know how it went is just peak big sister energy.
“I know it’ll be messy. But if we can get ahead of the narrative, wait for the right time and do it on our own terms I think it should be okay?” (283) Uhg, knowing what’s coming hurts.
I would love for someone to take me to a museum when there was no one else there, except for the curators so I could ask them loads of questions. I could look at all the things (art or history, or both) for as long as I wanted, I could read all the information without any pressure or anyone in the way. It would be a dream for me.
I too could spend hours in an archive.
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i really hope this doesn’t come off as offensive in any way, but just. how? how on earth do people deal with chronic pain? i’ve had pelvic pain intermittently since 2019 and no doctor can figure out a reason why, it got worse after i stopped taking my psych meds and even worse after the onset of my eating disorder. today has been especially bad now that i’m hospitalized for my ED. i think it’s stress related because it gets worse when i’m anxious but doesn’t everything? i’m just so lost. how are people with chronic pain not terrified 24/7 of the state of their bodies? how can they trust doctors who just look at them and shrug? how do they live? how do they find joy in life, especially after knowing what it’s like to not live with pain? i’m asking because i’m genuinely so lost and thought you might know. i’m not looking for a diagnosis or anything i’m just looking for the “how.”
I am responding in regards to the pain, since I don't have experience with eating disorders.
To be perfectly honest: I went through the same desperation, the same fear, the same grief, and I still do at times when the pain is most intense. I started recovery out of spite, to not let all the bad things "win". But it became later on more about me than proving anything to anyone. I am really hopeful and this blog helps me be positive. There are days the pain is so bad I just want to quit, because I desperately want it to stop, but I know that taking it out on myself is not going to help me. Taking it out on your body is not going to help it. You need to take your medication and you need to keep focusing on your treatment, but do it for yourself, do it for your own relief because you desperately want it and you deserve it. You are worthy of relief, simplesmente, give it to yourself if you can, listen to what your body needs.
I think what saved was hope. And human connections. Reaching out to people is hard. Walking away from the ones who are harmful is hard too. But it is worth it.
I'm not talking about self-love because it's not that easy, right? I'm talking about not taking it out on your body. I'm talking about being neutral. What works for me is thinking that I'm at just another human with very human needs, that I am not exception to other humans when it comes to meeting my needs, like resting, or self-care.
Please, take your medication, it will help you at least figure out what works for you and what doesn't. Remember that diagnosis are important, but they are guidelines. At the end of the day, you are in pain, and that is what you need to care for, and working on allowing yourself to do so is important. You need to figure out what works for the pain, what your needs are, and that is the most basic thing to focus on. Helping yourself, accommodating your needs, not depriving yourself of medication, taking care of your body. It is not easy, it is slow, it is annoying sometimes, it takes time, it takes learning how to allow yourself to have what you deserve and what you need, but you can do it because I believe that reaching out to anyone is already trying. You are trying so hard, please don't forget that. You are trying and that matters. At the end of the day, you want relief. And that's what matters most for you to get, so keep reaching out to people, to doctors, to therapists, to those who listen without being ableist. Keep trying, it is worth it. You are worth it.
Just please remember that you need to focus on other things as well as the disease. Find things that bring you joy, those little things heal you a little every day, and it builds up. It makes you hopeful( it makes you positive, it gives you reasons to keep going. Sometimes when we are sick, the pain is all we have, and that is not fair to us. We deserve relief from the pain, but some of that relief comes from distracting ourselves from it by remembering it's not all there is in life.
Again, I am referring to chronic pain, because I don't have much experience with eating disorders.
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Today, I washed my binder for the first time since getting it about a week ago. My mother found it drying, recognised what it was, and confronted me about it.
She told me she knew what it was for and mentioned specifically women in China binding their chests to look like boys. She wanted to make sure I wasn’t hurting myself, and I cleared up very quickly that I knew the risks and was not going above what my body could safely handle. Her main point after that was making sure I knew that the shape of my body didn’t matter and that I was ’perfect’ just the way I am. Ten minutes later, and the conversation is over, with her saying that as long as I know what I’m doing — which I do — it’s alright, and that she’ll be on my side no matter what.
I… I don’t know what to say to her, but I know that fundamentally, she has missed the point.
This is not the first time we’ve had a conversation like this. Just a few days ago, we argued about swimwear (and if you know what I mean about that, then it’s pretty obvious what happened — she thought it was about body image, and that was false. Fortunately I am genderfluid and had a femme day on the day I was supposed to swim, but it was a close thing). And every time we talk about this, I can almost see the way she connects it to a rejection of womanhood, which is not the case. In my personal experience it’s less of a rejection and more of a detachment, but not a disconnection. I can be femme, but only what I want to, and not always when it’s convenient.
To provide context, my mother was born in the early 70s and is a person fundamentally shaped by her experiences as a woman in various male-dominated careers. She is an outspoken feminist and cares deeply about her family and her students (she is a teacher).
I have told her that I sometimes use they/them pronouns (but not that I use it/he as well and am open to some neopronouns), even though she has yet to use them. She knows that more recently, I’ve been allowing myself to shop in the men’s sections of shops after overcoming the idea that I was not allowed to venture that far into masculinity. She knows from various corrections I’ve made that I use gender neutral language when referring to myself and would prefer if other people did so too.
The problem comes in the form of who she is: a strong woman. That in and of itself is not the issue. It’s that, on some level, that’s what she thinks I am too.
My mother doesn’t know I’m genderfluid because, even though the whole point of genderfluidity is that nothing is set in stone and anything can change at any time, I’m scared that she’ll try to tell me — with no ill intent — that I might not actually be trans. She won’t mean any harm, but that’s not the point. She just won’t understand that what I’m looking for isn’t a second opinion, or someone to talk to in order to feel more comfortable in my body and in myself. I don’t need her to understand, or question, or anything like that. I just need her to accept. The trouble is, I know she won’t be able to leave it there.
My mother is not a bad person. I’m luckier than most — I know that there are people who have more to face than I’ve had if someone finds their binder. She’s astonishingly progressive, considering the kind of values she grew up with in her household, and saying that she broke that mould would be a monumental understatement.
But she doesn’t get it. And I don’t want to be the one who has to have that conversation with her.
It could be worse. But it could be better. And I’m not really disappointed, but in an ideal world, I want to be able to say the word ‘trans’ in front of my mother and have her understand that… that’s me. I want to be able to tell her who I am and not be afraid of having to take it back, even though I know I probably won’t need to.
She loves me. She just doesn’t understand what I need from her, and I don’t want to have to justify my identity for her to get that.
#alley posts shit#genderfluid#gender stuff#gender identity#gender#lgbt#lgbtq#lgbtqia#lgbtplus#trans#transgender#transmasc#trans stuff#parents#personal rant#rant#personal#binder#binders
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Letter 4: 29Sep2023
This is a rough draft only; I did not take a photo of the actual letter:
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Dear QD / Soy,
I have so many positive feelings that I just wanted to write you a letter. Along with the fact that I wanted to keep my weekly streak going… I'll try writing in cursive this time!
I really didn't expect a birthday gift this year. I mean, I'm celebrating my birthday in Australia away from family and friends - You really caught me by surprise. In the past 27 and soon to be 28 years of my life, I have never received such a thoughtful gift like this before. Most of the things in life I have received out of necessity and never as thoughtful as this.
I am very proud to say that being here in Sydney has allowed me to be myself. I am doing so many things that I never thought of doing. Most of my responsibilities are to myself. I have so much freedom. I honestly want to tell you that with all the freedom that I have, the best days I have had in Sydney are the days I spent with you. I am glad to be your closest friend in uni. I am glad that you can be honest with me in a lot of things with no fear of judgement.
Even if we are different people: I want to slow down and enjoy the scenery; while you, you want to be adventurous and explore new things. And also, I am a person that likes vibrant colors; while you are a person that likes neutral colors. There are times where I am right and you are wrong and there are times where I am wrong and you are right - it just makes all our experiences together more fun.
In the Duyworld where there are 1000 applicants, 10 are shortlisted and 3 pass, I want to be the one that remains, the number 1. I don't know if I'm good looking or not; I also don't know if I'm well-mannered enough; I am also not sure about my aura - just like me, I think it's reckless. All I can say is that--- I hope someday I get to hold your hand again.
I am thankful that a lot of things you are able to communicate to me. I am certain that you are used to taking care of yourself and others… but I guess, I like taking care of you too. I'm not perfect but I will always do my best for both myself and you too. I am sorry if sometimes you feel like I am rushing, I am just very steadfast and direct. I hope by now you feel how much I like you in a more than friends kind of way.
The future is uncertain, but just like the meaning of both of our names, it is certainly bright. All of your gifts and most especially your letters have made my life so much brighter.
For now, I have only one request to you: I will be flying to the Philippines on December 9 and will return to January 6… which means I won't be seeing you a lot over half of the summer time in Australia; my request to you is if I can have your TIME on December 8 - if it gets released on time, I want to watch "The Boy and the Heron" (Studio Ghibli film) with you… otherwise, I would still want to spend my last day of the year in Australia with you if possible.
Fondly Yours,
Al
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I broke again today.
Well, not really broke. But currently I’m quietly crying.
I do miss you. I really do. I saw a video where it was two people who called each other mama and bunny and it just reminded me so much of you. It reminded me so fucking much of you.
I miss you more than anything. I know that we should go out separate ways and that we shouldn’t be in each other’s lives, but I miss you still. I hate that it ended the way it did. I don’t even know if we still would’ve been friends, I don’t know anything about what could’ve happened because it won’t. And that’s okay. I really don’t need you in my life anyways.
You make me really sad about myself sometimes. I wonder why you treated me the way you do, but also realize you were also facing a lot. Maybe this is the way it should’ve been, where we didn’t even interact with each other at all. I miss you. It feels like such a big piece of me is missing, but I know that the void gets filled more and more everyday.
You did leave me with a lot of things to deal with, but I don’t have to deal with them on my own. I’m getting out more. I got a job. I’m back in school, and am going to attend big school things like homecoming and prom without worrying about you or wishing you were there. I know you projected a lot of your insecurity on me. And I’m sorry that you had to do that.
I’m also sorry that I might’ve added onto your insecurities too. My messages to you were hateful. But I’m not going to block you and apologize. I still honestly believe you deserved to be brutally humbled. It doesn’t make me feel any less guilty. And I still miss you. I miss you a lot, and sort of appreciate you reaching out. It meant you missed me, and that made me feel good for awhile. But I don’t need your validation anymore, you never really validated me anyways.
I gave my all to you, and while you didn’t give it back, I am glad that I was at least able to share my kindness. I am happy that i was kind enough to share my love with someone who I thought was nice. It means I’m a nice person, and you made me feel I wasn’t a lot of the time. But I only know that you were doing that because of your personal issues you took out on me. Maybe you just need to grow up.
I still miss you. I really do. And sometimes I wonder if I should’ve just stayed with you instead of breaking it off. But breaking it off is worth it. I will not hurt myself, I will not go to a mental hospital, I will not attempt nor commit suicide over you. I will handle this right this time. I am allowed to miss you and miss the happy memories we did share while also knowing that this was a good thing for me. I hate you a lot still, but the hatred lessens everyday, and I become neutral about you. I don’t know what I want to happen to you, but whatever it is, I hope it’s far away from me. I hope it never enters my life. Maybe one day we will talk again, and you’ll be better, and we can possibly become friends. But I don’t even want that, really.
I am still hurting, because I spent so much time with you in 7 months. But I was just fine before I met you, meaning I can be fine without you too. I know I can, and I have. Things will look up for me. And me missing you will lessen. Me wishing I could’ve shut up will be completely tarnished. You will not be in my brain anymore. You will then miss me again, you’ll regret what you have done, and I’ll be everything your brain consumes. And I’m glad for that. Just so I can let you know that I am much better without you.
I miss you. But I’m glad you aren’t here anymore.
#I fucking hate this really#I am gonna be okay i promise#dysfunctionalvent#can’t stop crying while writing this#I miss you but It’s temporary
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well, out of the blue, someone contacted me from grade school that I haven't seen in over 15 years and was never even friends with, really. he was the funny popular athletic guy, always hanging out with the popular girls. I thought he was just adding me on fb out of curiosity due to having shared childhood experiences, as one is wont to do. whenever this happens I hope they contact me to actually catch up and say hello, but they never do. this time, I was wrong!
he told me he always thought I was cute but never said anything. HAHAHA. I still don't know if I believe him, and am skeptical that he's just saying this to get in my pants. I am VERY wary of all male attention after what I have experienced, so it may take a lot for me to be convinced if he is genuine. If it's true though, I almost can't believe it still. he was popular and I was quiet and weird. but, I guess it's possible.
he asked me if I thought he was cute. I can't quite remember if I did, but perhaps I did. to be honest I think I did think he was cute but I didn't allow myself to dwell on it because it would be highly taboo for me to like this person due to my family's, well, racism......which is a whole other issue and I hate it
he asked me for pictures but I playfully declined. he can look through my facebook pictures. admittedly there are not a lot of recent pics of me on fb, especially "full body" but oh well for him. he asked me if I still look the same before that, like lmao I'm not 13 anymore so no????? I am a voluminous lady, so in my mind this question becomes "are you fat and ugly now?" and a filter for whether I'm worth his time as a potential sexual partner. I don't like it. but I do acknowledge that he could be genuinely curious and I am reading into the question too much. SKEPTICAL. there is also a part of me that wants to be confident and happily share photos of myself. and another part that immediately rejects spending the energy it takes to accommodate the request of a man I don't have any type of relationship with.
we're supposed to get coffee sometime over the next 2 weeks. I told him to let me know when and where - he can do that work since he wants to see me so badly. I'm still not sure he'll follow through, but maybe he will. he was dodging my questions about places he likes to get coffee. so I'm not sure he even drinks coffee LOL
I basically never entertain guys around my age. I have always been with or wanted to be with older men. unfortunately that started when I was 14 :melty face:
I've been wanting to dip my toe into the dating world for a while but never put any effort into it. I recognize that it's highly triggering for me and I have a LOT of inner work to do before I might feel closer to "ready" for a new relationship. HOWEVER: I also know that healing from relationship trauma happens largely via safe relationships and that is something I want to be more open to. I'm not going to heal my trust issues if I never give myself the opportunity to trust someone trustworthy again, for instance. I'm never going to heal my avoidance of intimacy if I never let myself experience intimacy again. duh, but I have to remind myself.
at first I was not a fan of the conversation, but it hasn't gotten any worse and is pretty casual and neutral at the moment. I am surprisingly neither scared nor giddy about the situation. I also surprisingly hope we do get coffee. I think it would be a great opportunity to expose myself to male attention/interaction and have a sort of practice date where I can just be myself, with absolutely nothing at stake. because this isn't someone I'm already invested in or crushing on. he IS very cute, well dressed, and successful tho, according to facebook. which is hawt.
my thing is, I am like 90% sure I'm "demisexual" which idk if I need that label but it does describe how I feel about sex. sex, I could take it or leave it. I can give myself orgasms just fine. the idea being with a partner who prioritizes sex much more than me is uncomfortable. I think a lot of my hesitancy toward sex comes from my religious and social upbringing, as well as my experiences with sexual coercion and harassment, which is unfortunate. I don't want my body image to get in the way of my pleasure either. so part of me just wants to avoid it altogether. but another part of me truly does require some sense of trust, mutual respect, emotional connection, and the desire for more than a purely/mostly physical relationship, in order for me to be comfortable with the idea of having sex with someone. I do like sex when I feel completely comfortable with the person and know they aren't using me. THAT is a challenge after my shitty experiences.
so anyway, I am looking forward to this opportunity and hope it goes well. if it goes well, however, that will be very strange and I'll have a new set of challenges to work with.
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It's me!
I honestly don't know how to start my first blog, but I'm pretty sure it would be fun and exciting as I'll post my weekly blog here.
So, hello there! It's me Glitziel Nie Garcia, a first-year student of Central Mindanao University taking up a Bachelor of Science in Office Administration. Although I now reside in my boarding house in Dologon, Maramag, Bukidnon, my home is in Lagonglong, Misamis Oriental. At first, I am excited about the prospect of moving away from my family, but as time went on, I came to the realization that being around family, even though they can be a pain at times, is a blessing, and we should always be happy and grateful for the time we get to spend with them.
Now let's put the drama aside and talk about myself. I've always thought of myself as a middle-ground or neutral personality type. I constantly see myself in the middle of something, like I could be the equator dividing the northern and southern hemispheres. I could be the 'maybe' in every yes or no. I could also be the 'it depends' or 'let's see' in every agree or disagree. Sometimes I think that being like this is acceptable because it allows me to always consider and balance my opinions and act as I think I should behave in each circumstance. However, there are moments when I believe that remaining impartial is never simple, especially when making decisions. Nevertheless, although there are times when I even struggle to understand who I am, I still adore myself.
Since I describe myself as the neutral type of person, my favorites, like, and dislikes coincide with my personality. I adore muted colors that are neither too dark nor too bright. Sometimes, I enjoy reading all day, but sometimes I don't. I love being alone, but I hate being lonely. I adore serene and quiet settings but I did not want prolonged silence. I enjoy eating sweet, sour, and spicy foods, but I'll eat every food on the table as long as it is not something I suppose to not consume. I am kind to those who are kind, but if someone behaves indecently toward another person, I will not regard them as someone deserving of respect. I am also a giving person, but I do not tolerate individuals who always rely on the assistance of others.
Sometimes, I would ask myself if I am weird or what, but I always answer "nope, it's just me!" to remind myself that no matter how weird or neutral I can be, I should be proud of myself. Today, I am glad that my new friends accept me for who I am. Although we have different personalities, I am blessed that I have them. My college life would not be easy and fun if they weren't here for me.
We might feel different from other people, or feel like we cannot understand even ourselves, but we should not forget that there are people who will accept us for who we are. That is why we should love and accept ourselves more than anyone can.
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