#And because of that you've had a grand total of 8 hours sleep in 4 days | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

queer-jew-writes · 1 year

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Sometimes the things I enjoy feel like a chore

Holding a pencil over a blank sheet and my hand shakes and my heart aches

There should be something there, it has been 15 minutes, I toss it aside still a blank sheet

The show that I obsessed over for weeks plays on netflix in the background

Netflix has asked me three times if I am still watching and three times I have lied

I do not know what episode I am on and I do not know what I've missed

I haven't looked up from the shitty aesthetic pictures on tumblr since the last time that netflix asked me to

I have not went to the bathroom, drank an ounce of water, or eaten anything in 9 hours

I have left my bed once today when I woke in the morning, if you can even call 2pm the morning, to go to the bathroom and grab what will probably be my only meal of the day, a child's nacho lunchable

I keep the fridge stocked with them for the weeks where a cooking a 3-minute microwave meal is the same as running a 12k

I have never even ran a mile and there's a good chance that trying would leave me dead on the asphalt

Maybe if I'm lucky I will make it to the bathroom again before I roll over in my bed, light still on, phone unplugged, wearing 8 day dirty clothes, and worry my way into a not restful sleep

I am living proof that it's possible to sleep for 15 hours and wake up more tired than before

The park that I once loved is a 5 minute drive away, the place I like to sit is a 5 minute walk from my car

I could spend 10 minutes sitting in the park, for a grand total of 30 minutes of my day, 1/48th

But I have not been outside in a year, that is not an exaggeration

I have been from my porch to my car, and from my car to the store or doctor and from the store or doctor back to my car and from my car back to my porch but I have not seen the sun

My skin is three full makeup shades lighter than normal and 4 or 5 shades lighter than me in the summer

My doctor put me on the highest dose of vitamin d she has ever prescribed, said I was close to serious serious complications, told me I quite literally had the lowest levels she had ever seen

I almost cancelled that appointment because I didn't already know where my shoes were, I hadn't showered since two weeks earlier, sprayed myself with enough axe to smell like a middle schooler on the football team, and silently hoped that she couldn't tell that I smelled like death

I did not shower for another week, a grand total of 23 days, before my grandma threatened to dumb a 5 gallon bucket of soapy water on me in bed

If you've met her, you'd know she's a crazy enough bitch to do it, love her with all my heart, but it doesn't change the fact

I pulled myself into the shower, stood for 45 minutes under the water before I found the motivation to actually shower, put on a shirt, wrapped a towel around my waist and went back to my room where I passed out in a wet towel half undressed

My friends text me

Are you okay

Hope you're doing well

Miss you

Worried, text me back when you can

These are people I would die for, people that I love

But I do not answer, the guilt of making them worry almost overpowers the overwhelming feeling that all of my relationships are meaningless but ultimately

20 deleted messages turn into a thumbs up and heart emoji

It's like I've already used all of the joy I'll be given in this life time, I know where I've spent it but I don't know when I will be getting paid again

Sometimes the things I enjoy feel like a chore

The box of embroidery thread sits beside me, fabric hooped in my hands, needle threaded, design stenciled, and I can force a couple of stitches

But

I feel like I'd rather get them

#cayden poetry #8/26/20

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