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sweetmariihs2 · 1 month

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Drunk Cedric headcanons 🍺🪄

gif credit: @sofia-the-worst (i tried to find these gifs in the gif search FOR SO LONG that I just gave up and decided to give you the credits instead. I really hope you don't mind, because I even went through Google and the only good gifs that I could find were yours)

TW: alcohol consumption (obviously), mentions of throwing up.

I already mentioned this in my Cedric Headcanons post, but Cedric hates to get drunk. He avoids it because he doesn't feel comfortable knowing that he's not sober and can't control his own actions (or he can make a fool out of himself in front of everyone, say some stuff that he shouldn't have said, and only know about this later on, when he's sober again)

"I already embarass myself on a daily basis being sober, imagine what would happen if I got drunk" — that's his opinion on the subject. What if it gets worse that that? What if he tells everyone about his plan to take over the kingdom, steal the Amulet of Avalor, or even saying bad stuff about the king or his job? He would die if that happened because of his irresponsability

Besides that, he doesn't like alcohol very much, he never did. His first experience with drinking alcohol was terrible, he found the taste horrible, it was weird, bitter and sour at the same time, and his throat felt like it was on fire. It was absolutely disgusting, and he wondered how people enjoy drinking so much. And the smell was bad. As far as he knew, drunk men were unpleasant to be around, he only saw disadvantages in it. Of course, he was in his early 20s at that time. His first drink was already a strong one, so that's why he hated it so much.

His opinion didn't change a lot though. As time passed, he tried other drinks in different occasions, such as beer, vodka and the most tolerable in his opinion, wine. Actually he does like wine, the one's that aren't so bitter (I don't know anything about wine, and I suppose he doesn't too), but as I said he doesn't drink it too often, only in special occasions, and he avoids doing it in special occasions to.

Cedric has a low tolerance to alcohol because he doesn't drink often, so when he does, he needs to be really careful.

Actually, he can count on his fingers how many times he got drunk in his life. One time was when he was pressured to do it (maybe in a party with his Hexley Hall coleagues to remember the old times, and this happened), the other one was when he got too distracted with the wine and unfortunately drank too much, maybe there were more occasions.

And one time he got heartbroken so bad that he just decided to believe the rumors of people saying that alcohol helps heartaches, so he kinda "forced" himself to do it, because the drinks tasted so bad that his face contorted in disgust and he grunted to try to swallow, followed by coughing soon after. It went like this for some time until he started to get really drunk and get temporarily used to the feeling (and his senses started to get numb). It was probably at a ball or another kind of royal party, but they had a bar there.

He doesn't remember most of that night, because of how bad he got. Thank God he was accompanied so someone took him to his tower, maybe Baileywick or even Roland himself, and told him what happened. He cried leaning on the table, spoke about his feelings and his terrible heartbreak situation, suddently started shouting about his frustration and even slammed his hands on the table several times, asked for more drinks. Maybe Baileywick tried to advise him to stop the drinking for the night, that this was more than enough, and Cedric shouted "No! You don't know how bad I'm feeling right now. There is such a pain in my chest and there is nothing I can do that can make me feel better. Don't tell me what do to because I know how bad I'm hurting, now leave me alone. Barman, give me another shot!"

Baileywick didn't know how to stop him so he just went to do his tasks at the party, hoping that Cedric didn't got worse than that (he knew that he would). He told Roland about the situation so that he would be aware. It was only when Cedric started to cry out loud and lose his robe, bowtie and even his wand all over the place that Roland decided to intervene the situation. The king had a lot to do in today's party, everyone's eyes were glued to him all the time so he couldn't stop his tasks to convince Cedric to stop drinking, but when the thing got bad, he got worried and decided it was time to help his longtime friend. As always, Cedric's mistakes were getting too much attention, and unfortunately he wasn't helping himself shouting and crying about how bad his life was.

Roland got all his items back and went to get Cedric out of that bar counter. At first they had a small conversation and Roland didn't think twice about holding him to give Cedric a little back of support, saying "Cedric, I think you've already had enough for tonight, I've never seen you like this. C'mon, I think it's time to head up to your tower." and Cedric tried to protest by grumbling "No! Take your hands off of me Roland, I can take care of myself!" But Roland didn't let him go and just responded with "Of course you can. Now let's go, you need some rest.", before carrying him by the shoulder through the whole castle until they got to his room and laid him on the bed, where he immediately fell asleep.

The next day, he woke up with an horrible headache and even threw up. Baileywick told him about his situation and Cedric got terribly embarassed of himself, worried about what everyone was thinking of him now. Baileywick told him about his attempt to stop Cedric, and also that Roland brought him back to his tower and got his belongings back, which were next to him on the bedside table. He couldn't believe that he got so drunk that Roland himself had to step in and carry him to his room. That was so humiliating, he was worried about Roland's view of him, worried about the fact that the king had to get out of the ball just to solve his problem, and the embarassment he probably put everyone through, put Roland through. The situation was so bad that THE KING stopped him.

Baileywick told him that it was him who told Roland about the situation, and Cedric thanked him for helping and trying to convince him to stop drinking. Later, and extremely embarassed and now sober Cedric went to Roland and said he was sorry for everything he did, but then Roland said that he understood his situation, Cedric was suffering a lot and out of control of himself, and all that Roland did was just helping an old friend. Cedric teared up and promised that he would never do this again, ever (and he never did). (That moment was similar to that last scene of Amulet of Avalor or even Day Of The Sorcerers, you know what I'm talking about)

Besides the terrible circunstances of that occasion, the other moments he got drunk were different. He wasn't sad, so he wasn't self-sabotaging himself like that night, so his normal drunk behavior is usually different. He starts to stop paying attention, and often asks people to repeat what they said. He gets slow and sleepy sometimes, and he gets dizzy. When it gets bad it looks like the time he got attacked by Ivy's dragonflies.

In a situation where he's in a relationship, he gets extremely clingy with his SO. He wants their attention all the time, and even starts doing pda, which makes his SO extremely embarassed (Cedric WOULD be if he wasn't drunk). He starts with hugging, then kissing cheeks, neck, when his SO is just trying to talk with someone else at the moment, and this person is looking at them with an uncomfortable look. This is when his SO intervenes to try to make him stop and politely explain to him that now is not a good time for that, which he doesn't pay attention to half the words, but gets the idea and stops. When he is at this state, he basically agrees with almost everything his SO says (forgetting what it is right after)

And please don't let him get ANYWHERE NEAR HIS POTIONS. He can literally explode his tower, on purpose or not. But in contrast to it, he gets surprisingly good at his spells- maybe because he's more relaxed and not thinking about it too much. Cedric has enough knowledge in magic (actually, he has been studying the same thing since he was a little boy) and knows a lot of spells and wand movements by heart, which makes everyone surprised by how when he's sober he makes so many mistakes (in front of people) and when he's drunk his magic works perfectly. Well, his spell choices get a little bit weird, like when he turned a grandpa into a buff man because he "wanted to help" (he did), or when he made the band play a little bit faster, turned the flower arrangements on the table into food, and the list goes on.

#sofia the first #cedric the sorcerer #cedric the great #sofia the fandom #cedric the sensational #headcanon #headcanons

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ssacassie · 12 days

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wrio x reader fluff & angst

inspired by an old message from a friend about me and it was one of the most poetic lines that destroyed me. enjoy !

music entered your ears and went out the other, you can't even recall what time it was when you last left your bed. the love of your life, or so you thought, and yourself ended things. nothing felt right anymore and simply the world felt duller. its been two days, and it was spent mourning a soul that wasn't even dead. just gone.

the fight was nothing like anything of you guys had experienced before. it definitely was not the first fight you guys have had, but dating for almost a year its bound to happen. they have all been over silly mundane things due to high tensions that get worked out by the end of the night. you did something illegal to protect what you believed was an innocent person. you were right at the end of the day, but you colored out of the lines with your boyfriend who should have thrown you in jail for it. perhaps it was just the stress of a high case getting to him, even though he'd never admit that.

your friend, navia, dragged you out of your bed and made you get ready to go on a walk. what would that do? probably nothing, but she knew you needed a distraction and at that moment nothing was more beautiful to you than a friend who wouldnt give up on you. half an hour, of course it was fates dark design that you'd run into him. he hadn't seen you before you ducked behind the wall you just came from. no way in hell you could pass him. how were you supposed to walk by pretending he was still a stranger?

there he sat, next to sigewinnie sipping tea at the outside part of a restaurant. his eyes looked more tired, but maybe you just made it up because you hoped it was hurting him as much it was you. "its been two days, i guess i could of phoned her." wrio starts. the heartbeat inside your chest increases as you easedrop, navia behind you listening in.

"i said some of the worst things i have ever said before, all to her. it was a heat of the moment thing, ya know? i dont think she understood i wasnt mad at her, not once.. i was mad at myself, actually. she had to break the law - the one i enforce - just because i didnt listen to her when she told me that guy was innocent. because of my foolishness she had to cross lines, and i had to lose her." a long pause followed. it seemed sigewinne was out of earshot

"i really did lose sight of what was important, and it was her."

"now, she may never forgive me. and i'm willing to accept that, i just want the best for her. if i could change anything it surely would be the fighting that night. it was only too late when i decided to listen to her point of view, and i hurt her because of it. i was stubborn as fuck, and i'll always listen to her if she needs a shoulder to cry on. i'll always be here for her, even if she wants nothing to do with me."

#genshin impact #genshin x you #wrio x reader #wriothesely x reader #wriothesley #genshin smut #wrio smut #genshin fanfic #genshin fluff #genshin imagines

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morimakesfanart · 2 months

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Sindria's Prophet #37

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17] [18] [19] [20] [21] [22] [23] [24] [Intermission] [25] [26] [27] [28] [29] [30] [31] [32] [33] [34] [35] [36]

[AO3] [wattpad]

*CW-Long term affects of medical denial & child abuse, living with PTSD *Kink & toys mentioned

((I keep forgetting to tell you guys: Lyly is pronounced "lee-lee." It's short for their middle name, Llyn/Lynn (<-genderfluid affected spelling)))

~POV Mori~ I woke up gasping. I sat up and wrapped my arms around myself so I could tell the difference between actual physical touch and the phantoms left over from my night terror. My body wouldn't stop shaking; I needed Lyly's help. When I got out of bed I froze. Not only did my bed not have curtains, this wasn't my room. No. This was my room. Sinbad picked it out for me in the guest tower. I was in Sindria; in a whole different dimension. All of the adrenaline supporting me left and I sank to the floor. I was still trembling but I wasn't scared anymore. The people who hurt me couldn't reach me here. I had that dream because after spending the past month hyperfixated on the present, I had been triggered into remembering one of the worst parts of my past, so now I was remembering the rest too. 'Sorry, Lyly.' The safety I had gained in this world was invaluable. I couldn't imagine going home willing. Based on how little light was getting through the curtains it was still the middle of the night. I was drained from my dream, and my hips were still aching but it took a while for my mind to calm back down. Tomorrow and the distractions that came from it couldn't come soon enough.

--- "Alright now, Mx. Prophet," the doctor gave me my diagnosis. Sinbad had him sent first thing in the morning, and his arrival woke me up. "You need to rest for a few days. I'll have painkillers sent over to help with your hip pain, fever, and migraine." With his job done, he saw himself out. 'I can't miss the Morning Assembly! ...But-!' I knew the doctor was right deep down. I was in no condition to do much of anything. I was fine resting when I didn't have obligations, but I had a job now. If I was back home I would have had to give Lyly my keys so I couldn't leave. Five years just wasn't enough to fully rewrite my base instincts. Although, from the new memories I was gaining, the me back home was doing a bit better. Those new memories were why I was healed and practiced enough to stop myself even if a doctor hadn't told me to... especially since I had a fever. As long as both me's kept whatever this connection was then maybe we would also keep the benefits from both sides. --- ~POV Sharrkon~ Mori was the only person that missed the morning Assembly. Yamuraiha had a growing smile throughout the meetings, and now that it ended she mumbled something to Pisti. Shar groaned; he knew where this was going. "Yup." Pisti giggled. "I heard from a reliable source," probably 1 of her boyfriends, "that Mori's not 'sick'. Her hips were injured and her body over worked last night." The King refused to look at the gossips. His silence spoke volumes compared to the past month of him adamantly defending that there was nothing special between him and 'his Beautiful Prophet.' "Oh ho~! It finally happened after I left!" Hina slapped Sharrkan on the back with a laugh. "Looks like the 2 of us have to pay up! But I guess you lost the most, huh?" "Oh, no! I ain't paying nothing! Nothing happened!!" Shar had a hurt ego to nurse and he would not let them step on it harder. "Mori got hurt dancing. Our King had nothing to do with it!" Sharrkon felt a shiver run down his spine that made him hold his tongue. Hina looked to the others for confirmation. "Is that true?" Drakon answered him. "It's true. However, it's also true that Sin carried Mori all the way to their room from the festival." "Oh~? That's proof enough for me." Drakon, Ja'far, Yam, and Pisti agreed with their own comments. The man in question still refused to comment, so Hinahoho addressed him directly. "You're really not going to say anything, Sin? After all of that time, telling us how you don't want to get married?" "Fine. Fine." King Sinbad finally turned to them with his arms crossed. "It's simple really. You know I'm not the type to reveal my hand until I'm certain." Sinbad was smiling, but Shar knew instinctually the King was the threat that told him to stop talking. The giant laughed. "Is that so?" "I know you're aware this is a first for me." Sharkkon's wallet cried with him. He had lost 2 out of 3 bets. It was only a matter of time before he lost the 3rd.

---- ~POV Mori~ The Great Bell rang out. The morning Assembly was definitely over. There were several things I had wanted to do today, and I couldn't do any of them since I had to rest. I needed to meet with Queen Artemina before she left Sindria. I had to solidify our connection as allies, but she was set to leave in a day. As I wrote a letter to send her, the waves shifted. This was the right choice for me, and the future I wanted. The letter would need time to dry before I could send it. I got up from my chair and stopped. I didn't want to lay down again yet no matter how much my body needed it. 'Damnit! How much more of my life am I going to spend sick??' I groaned into my hands. I was born with a weak raspatory system, so I get sick multiple times a year and often end up bedridden. "I am allowed to rest even though I can sit up and walk. Pushing will only make it worse." My mom eventually stopped acknowledging when I would get sick due to the expense which is why I struggle to let myself rest as an adult. I made a point of putting the truth into words to fight her conditioning. I climbed back in bed even though I knew that meant I would be stuck with just my thoughts until I fell back asleep. This was the perfect opportunity to process everything that had happened with Sinbad, but I couldn't think about it at all. Being triggered, recognizing these new memories, and that night terror just made me think about home more -well the place I came from. Even when I was in my room there I often couldn't help but think 'I want to go home' because even though it was comfortable and familiar, I couldn't feel safe. My last therapist told me that as long as I stayed in that house full of reminders there was only a slim chance of me recovering from my CPTSD. If only I could have afforded to move out.

In the new memories I got, our dad finally agreed to reorganize all of the living spaces, so that me and Lyly weren't getting as many flashbacks anymore. Hell, he even apologized for everything and started acting like a real dad some of the time. The me that stayed home was able to persevere until an opening for change finally came. 'If they got Isekai now I wonder if they would want to go home?' The thought had never occurred to this me -just like it never did back when I was in in-patient. Although I was still worried about Lyly like I was then. I rolled over to pull out a scroll from the bedside dressers. When I was on the ship I had worked on all sorts of scrolls and one was a memoir of my life back home. One of the first things I did was draw the people important to me before I'll inevitably forget their faces. I unrolled the scroll. Lyly's face stared up at me from the page. As difficult as that place was to live in all of my loved ones were there. In this world there was no one that knew me, and I wasn't sure if I could let my self get that close to anyone here -especially Sinbad. He already knew how deep some of the scars on my heart are. I didn't want him to think any less of me, or use my pain against me. And even more than that, I was scared that the safety I had here would shatter if I made a wrong step. 'I thought I was doing better.' This world had treated me so well that I fell into a false sense of security. Not being surrounded by reminders of my traumas made me feel like I was somehow cured and could restart from scratch. But that's not how healing works... Being away from triggers just made it easier to avoid having an attack. It's only after feeling safe that we let ourselves feel the emotions that are unsafe to feel in the moment. A few tears fell down my cheeks. I placed the scroll on the bedside table and rolled back towards the middle of the bed. Surely it was okay for me to cry in a situation like this. I allowed myself the luxury even though the tears didn't last long. When I was young I cried just as often from joy as sadness. The abuse I experienced made it unsafe to cry at all, so I learned to cry silently until I eventually stopped crying altogether. Being in this world made me feel like it was okay again. Letting myself actually feel these emotions was an important step in the healing process. Beating myself up for getting triggered and relapsing wouldn't help at all. I needed to forgive myself.

--- One day of rest should be enough, right? It's not like I still had a fever. I didn't want to stay in my room and make an even worse impression. My hips would hurt a little if I over worked them, but that would just act as a limiter. ((<<= This person is in denial))

I got dressed after breakfast, but as soon as I grabbed the doorknob I froze. "Yeah, no." I was not in the mood to see Sinbad in person yet, and I would have to if I left my room. As soon as I took Queen Sinbad's choker back off I felt a wave of relief. It had given me so much dopamine and serotonin when it was part of a fantasy, but now it was a reminder of my fears. How could I mark myself with it when I couldn't feel safe in my own desires? Wearing it felt like a lie. I definitely wouldn't be able to wear it for a while.

'Guess I haven't completely lost my sense of self-preservation.' Besides, I hadn't actually had time to do most of the things I like doing to relax since I got to this world. Going out in this state would be worse than not going out. Another day off as I recover from the stress had to be reasonable.

But what options did I have to relax?

Everyone else was busy with work at this time of day, so I could masturbate without having to worry about being interrupted. But my toybox didn't isekai with me; I only have my hands, and some ribbons for mild shibari. Sinbad said I could make requests, but there was no way in hell I was letting him find about this, let alone use his money for my sex toys. I'll figure out where to get some after payday. The night terror was still fresh in my memory anyway.

Video games, comics, and anime were obviously out of the question. Printing still isn't big enough for fiction to be popular to write -that's part of why Sinbad's Adventure story was such a huge success. I had 3 cats back home, but I can't exactly adopt a new pet while sick. I do sing a lot to relieve stress, but it would be embarrassing to be overheard without knowing. 'Note to self: get carpets to hang up to dampen the sound.' There were places I could go that would be harder to be heard but leaving wasn't an option until I was better. That only left me: writing and drawing.

'Working on Fate scrolls it is!'

The flow of ink was good for my brain. It did more than help calm me; it gave me more perspective but it couldn't give me true answers. 'I wish we could just go back to how things were before that night. How am I supposed to know when I will be ready to see Sinbad again?' He isn't any of the people that hurt me, so why can't I just like him without being afraid of betrayal?

Were Sinbad's actions manipulation, or earnest? Could I trust the safety I felt around him? It was definitely a combination of how he treated me, what I knew from reading his Fate, and how familiar I was with being around those types of manipulation. But there was something strange. When I looked for signs of his manipulation in how he dealt with me, or any expected fallout, nothing came from it. In fact, everything kept ending in my favor. The cycle I was expecting was coming from me, not Sinbad. The waves swirled as I finally let myself think about it.

What was he actually going to say when I cut him off? Even if it was what I thought, would I be able to believe him? Even if I didn't have relationship trauma I don't think I could trust him romantically after reading his Fate. He claimed he wasn't playing the flirting game, but that could have been manipulation. Was it my heart or pride that would be hurt more if he was lying? I couldn't tell yet.

I was lonely. Both in general, and in this world. There was no one that knew me here. And I was too scared to trust the person getting closest to my heart. Even though I didn't want to be seen like this, I didn't actually want to be alone; I just couldn't shake the fear of rejection or punishment I thought was inevitable. I left my windows open just in case. ---

~POV Sinbad~ The King sat on the edge of Mori's bed. He had been unable to visit the first time she was sick. Now that he understood his own feelings he couldn't stay away unless he was on the other side of the world. The only reason he didn't visit the first day was because he knew she needed space away from him. The waves had been trying to guide him here for a while though. Who was he to deny them? No one answered the door when he knocked or called out. The silence and waves worried him. The last report said her current fever was mild, but it could have spiked since then. Mori developed an extremely high fever on the ship several hours after everyone saw she was unwell. He entered without permission only to find his Beautiful Prophet was sleeping peacefully. He had gotten to see her; that would have to be enough. Mori turned her head in her sleep and her bangs fell onto her eye lashes. Sinbad leaned over to move her hair out of the way. He tried to keep his touch light to not wake her, but her eyes fluttered open. Unfocused eyes watched him. "Sin..?" The sound of their voice was a relief. It didn't sound strained at all, only weak from sleep.

"How are you feeling?" They weren't anywhere near as bad as last time. "~*yawn* Better now that I'm awake." "Oh? Did you have a bad dream?" They watched him as what he asked slowly processed in their newly conscious state. "Yeah, I did. Thank you for waking me." "Anytime." Sinbad returned their weak smile with his own. "I guess that's why it wasn't just my waves leading me here." He hesitated. "Mori, what do you think about moving into the Purple Leo Tower? It will be easier to care for you when you get sick. You'll be safer there. And your waves could reach me faster." The same fear from the other night started seeping into their expression. "I'm fine here." But he wasn't fine. "Besides, it will be harder when I have to move out of the Palace." For a moment he forgot how to breathe. "Why would you have to move out?" Why would she ever think she had to leave?? "Would you really be okay with me staying after my visions run out?" The King couldn't stop his hand from reaching to caress their cheek, but he was able to hold back from making contact. "Of course." Mori's brow creased farther and they glanced at his hand. "What about after I share all the knowledge I have from my world? I wasn't an engineer. I only know the basics." Sinbad's heart dropped. From the beginning Mori had been marketing herself as a resource, and he had only ever responded positively. Yet another way he'd messed up without even realizing it. "Of course, I'll still want you by my side." The more he was able to peer into Mori's heart the more worried he got. "You are a person, not a resource. You do know that, don't you?" Mori closed their eyes and leaned their head towards his hand; he took that as permission. Their cheek didn't feel feverish. They spoke flatly about their emotions like they did the night of the Announcement. "I know that logically, but I struggle with knowing how to act if I'm not helping someone." They brought a hand up to his. "I really do like helping people, but sometimes it feels like that's all I am. It's what I had to do to survive since I was little." Ah. He could understand that thought process. Sinbad had been a caregiver for his mother and village from a very young age, and went straight from that to king's candidate. There was very little time in his life when he wasn't working towards helping someone. Drinking, and philandering became his break from that -although he would hopefully be narrowing that last point to one person soon. "You seemed to do just fine at the festival." So fine that he couldn't deny his feelings anymore. "Huh? -Oh. Yeah. I guess I did." Her expression softened into a genuine smile. "It was probably going around the festival that got me sick though." It was mainly stress according to the doctors' report. Mori closed her eyes with a yawn. "I'll have to keep more distance between me and the citizens next time. I didn't realize I was so interesting." "You're incredibly interesting." They let out a quiet chuckle. "If you say so." Sinbad watched and felt as they turned their face into his palm, and sighed. Mori relaxed more into his hand with each breath as if his scent and touch were comforting. It bubbled up desires he knew he shouldn't act upon with a sick or unconscious person and yet he couldn't make himself leave either. He took a moment to ground himself but it did little good. He couldn't bring himself to leave until after Mori let go of his hand. To think another person would have this much power over him. "You really are amazing." There was absolutely no way he'd ever allow anyone else to see this side of them. Mori would be moved to the Purple Leo Tower in time, and would just have to learn through experience that he had no intentions of letting them go. ---

~POV Mori~ I woke up to the Great Bell the next morning. Sinbad being here was not a dream. I had just been too groggy to question the situation. What was the point of staying home, if he was going to visit me in person?

On the plus side, seeing Sinbad while I wasn't stuck in my trauma brain helped break the cycle of questions. Sinbad might be stubborn but through his whole life he is shown being someone fully willing to change his mind when given enough information. At this point in the story he is someone with conviction who says his truth directly -even if he often speaks in a manipulative way. So when he said he's chosen a new path, he meant it -even if I don't know what that means yet. And when he is shown seducing women, the idea of moving any of them into the Purple Leo Tower would never be considered, let alone offered -even in private. And yet he offered that to me.

Sinbad was changing and I'd never be able to accept how if I stayed cooped up in my room. To understand myself, and Sinbad I needed to spend more time around him. My rest was over. I didn't need to jump all the way in at once. I'd see him at the morning Assemblies, swap pleasantries, and part ways until the next day. 'Slow and steady.' --- ~POV Sinbad~ Was this how Hina and Drakon felt when they looked at their wives before they got together? Just seeing Mori enter the halls of the White Capricorn Tower made his heart swell. And hearing their voice? Well, he was starting to understand why Ja'far had been so upset with him since they returned from Balbadd. Even seeing Mori dressed androgynously didn't shake his feelings -though it was a bit jarring after how they dressed for the Announcement. It just cemented that what he felt wasn't simply based on how Mori presented. They were undeniably the most beautiful person in the world to him now.

After going through more options than necessary, the first thing the Dungeon Capturer managed to say to Mori was, "I'm happy to see you're feeling better."

"Yes. And thank you for visiting me while I was resting." Mori's smile made him feel at peace. Seeing them up close confirmed that they cut their bangs some. "But never enter my room without explicit permission again." Their sharper tone pierced him repeatedly with each sentence. "That includes the bird by the way. If my curtains are closed or I don't answer the door: don't enter my room."

He wore a smile to ease their anger. "Of course. It won't happen again."

Even as Mori accepted his response and left, the King couldn't get his heart to stop racing. Why did there have to be so many large risks of ruining his chances when he already knew she liked him from reading his Fate?

--- ~POV Mori~

As soon as the Assembly was over, I fled to the Black Libra Tower. 'He said he was happy I was better! AND he didn't say anything about about my change of gender expression!' Sinbad said all of two words directly to me and I started short circuiting. I remembered that he offered to move me to his tower -the one he sleeps in???- and immediately went on the defensive. I was not as ready as I thought!! I was going to need my favorite hyperfixation to survive the rollercoaster I was trapped on. And if it didn't exits yet, then I was going to reinvent it myself! It would be relatively easy to make a printing press since this fanfic was in English instead of whichever Arabic language was the region's canonical one, or Japanese like the series was originated in. Both require significantly more characters than English, and some kanji can be too intricate to make with this world's current level of technology. Speaking of which, this world had stamps and seals so this next level of printing shouldn't be too crazy of a change. I took some print making classes in high school and college, so I got to use a few different scale printing presses. I knew enough to draft prototypes. I excelled at typography in college too -so well that the department head signed off on me skipping a few courses so I could get to the high level stuff faster. The typography was digital, but I still learned enough to draft prototypes of stamps and such. ('A shame I couldn't afford higher than an Associates Degrees.) Since I was working on a table in the middle of one of the libraries, people came up to ask me about what I was doing. I gave a brief summary to the latest onlooker, before I pointed to the examples I was drafting. "I see." His voice was familiar but I was too focused to register it. The person moved around the table to read the part I had finished this morning. He made a few sounds of recognition as he read. "Won't spelling out each word every time be a hassle?" "Well, yeah. It's better to have most words premade. And full lines of text can be fused together to make reprinting more issues easier and faster." He pointed to a spot on the parchment. "Ah- that's what this part is then." My eyes were drawn to the glint of his rings. Every cell in my body remade itself as my brain finally acknowledged who was talking to me. "That is convenient." Sinbad's voice was unmistakable now that I was paying attention. I prayed to every God I knew of that my emotions didn't show in my actions or voice. "This might be a new technology here, but you won't have to completely reinvent the wheel thanks to my 'visions.'" I had to focus on my breathing to keep my heart rate down. I was able to keep the conversation moving, but I wasn't sure I would remember it well. I was more focused on not looking like an idiot. We had exchanged greetings at the morning assembly but this was the first time I was talking to him fully sober in days. His polite gestures and this conversation made my heart swell, but he wasn't flirting; he was just existing while being attractive. 'Why did I have to start thinking it could be mutual??? I can't even enjoy it like this!' If anything starts there's going to be an end.

--- ~POV Sinbad~ Sinbad didn't have a 'real' reason for visiting Mori in Black Libra Tower on their first day back, but, as King, there was no one who would question him. Although, Ja'far would come to get him if he's away from his responsibilities for too long. He arrived a bit after lunch to find Mori sitting at a table in the middle of the library where anyone could and did come talk to them. The proof being that they didn't beat an eye at his questions. In fact, it sounded like they had explained about this stamp system multiple times. Mori needed their own office in the tower. He'd make sure they got one asap. As interesting as this new technology was, Sinbad kept finding himself staring at his Beautiful Prophet more. It was hard enough to focus at his own desk -let alone when Mori was right in front of him. Sinbad had heard that acknowledging the feeling makes it stronger, but he wasn't expecting this. Mori tensed for a moment before scooting their chair away from him. He had been leaning closer to them without realizing, and they moved away. How was this the same person that fell asleep holding his hand the previous day? Were they just too tired back then to remember what was going on? Did they think it was a dream? He definitely shouldn't flirt with them while they were this uncomfortable to be around him. Would they even be willing to hold his arm while they walked together? He didn't think so. Sinbad took a moment to ground. Even if Mori had turned into a feral cat or wild rabbit around him, the way they watched him when they thought he wasn't looking was a sign that they wouldn't mind being tamed by him. They had enjoyed his company before; he just needed to remind them of that. The only question was if he could regain Mori's trust before he had to leave for the Kou Empire.

((OMGOSH I did not expect this to take this long. At least a month of that gap was from back-to-back illness too, so it took even longer. My digestive track turned off for 24 hours and took 48 to fully come back online. While I was in recovery I caught a really bad upper raspatory infection that gave me a 103F fever for a week. So of course my period hit me like a freight train a week later. Somehow I was ill the weeks around the holidays and not on them, but it was a still a super rough couple of weeks. I'm better now :D which is why I was able to have the energy to write.

I processed a lot of my emotions while working on these chapters. They're all things I already knew, but consolidating them like this helped me see more of the places they were affecting me, and cement in my head that it is okay to move forward. :D

This arc is 3 chapters long including this one. Since I do have the next 2 written already, I just need to refine them and make the art, so there shouldn't be as long as a break for the next chapter. Like this chapter, they will have scenes of Mori processing their emotions. I needed a lot of time to edit them down a ton since there's obviously things I don't intend to post on the internet, and I want the story to feel good to read chapter to chapter. I've already got the next arc started too. It's a lot of character confrontations that became discarded drafts of earlier arcs, but definitely need to happen now. Since I have those drafts as a basis, I hope to get that arc ready before I finish posting this one. I have another DeadEnd chapter to post, and a few one shots I almost have ready. I've been posting wips and art for for them on patreon, but I won't be posting them here until I have full chapters ready U-U))

#magi prophet fanfic #king sinbad #sinbad magi #magi sinbad #sinbad x oc #magi fanart #sinbadxoc #magi fanfiction

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golbrocklovely · 2 years

Text

revenge of the nerd // sam golbach (pt. 2)

A/N: this took forever for me to write, but it was so fun to write when i finally got started lol nerdy sam just does something to me, much like brunette sam. anyway, tell me what you think about this part two. maybe i'll make a part three if yall want it ;) enjoy

prompt: stacy hates admitting it, but sam got under her skin. and now, she needs him more than ever. || fem OC x sam golbach

trigger warning: SMUT dear lord it's smutty, drinking/partying scene, cursing, popular!OC, a little bit less over the top than last time tho lol, sam is a “nerd” still, degradation, slut mentions thru the roof, baby girl/good girl/whore mentions, no condom sex, possible dubcon??, just be aware if that's not something you're interested in reading

word count: 3003

~~~~~~~~~~

“You have no idea how badly I need this party tonight.” I sighed, taking a huge gulp of my drink.

Heather raised an eyebrow at me. “Are you okay? You've been wound up ever since that party like two weeks ago.”

“I've just had a lot on my mind, and all I want to do is relax.” I huffed.

Heather smirked, “It wouldn't have anything to do with that Sam guy you got paired up with fo-”

“No!” I screeched suddenly, clearing my throat right after. “No. I-It has nothing to do with him.”

She put her hands up defensively, “Okay, just checking. I'll be right back.”

I nodded my head, turning away and rolling my eyes as I downed my drink. I can't believe she would bring up Sam.

Ugh, even the sound of his name pissed me off.

I hated to even admit it, but Sam got under my skin. For the past two weeks he had been all I can think about anymore. And what doesn't help is the boys that I usually used for my "distraction" weren't able to distract me. Or get me off.

And then when I would try to… alleviate myself, all I could think about was him.

I was sexually frustrated, and it was all because Sam left me high and dry.

Fucking nerd.

And what's worse is I don't even know if I'll ever see him again. I wanted to tease him, to make him feel as sexually frustrated as I was. That's the least of what he deserved. But I had no way to reach out to him. Not to mention, I didn't want him thinking I was crawling back to him.

If I get the chance to, he'll pay for how he made me feel that night.

I stomped through the house, trying to see where Heather went off to. I glanced around the living room, trying to find her. But my eyes landed on someone else.

Sam. Sitting with a girl. Obviously flirting.

My stomach dropped at the sight of him. He was dressed in a similar style like before. He took a sip from his solo cup, his eyes looking up and down at the girl he was talking to.

Should I go over to him? Oh my God no! What am I saying?

I watched as the girl slid her hand onto his leg, laughing at something he said. Then suddenly, his eyes gazed over at me.

I stumbled back, his icy blue look taking me by surprised. I immediately turned around and headed for the kitchen, praying that he didn't notice me staring.

Dear God, I'm just as pathetic as him. This is the absolute worst.

I needed to pour myself a new drink. I shoved past the random people blocking my way. I groaned as I made it to the sink, grabbing a new cup and making a quick vodka soda.

Maybe I could find Jared and see if he's not busy and then I-

Someone interrupted my thoughts. “Hey Stacy.”

I turned around to see who was calling me, only to almost spit out my drink.

Are you fucking kidding me?!?!?!?! “Hi.”

“So, crazy seeing you around. Didn't know you partied at the Delta Nu house.” Sam commented.

“Yeah, I come here often.” I replied dryly, keeping my back towards him.

“So, how have you been?” He asked.

“Okay. You?” I deadpanned.

He hummed. “Same.”

There was a long pause from him, and I prayed that he had left.

“Could you make me a drink real quick?” He placed his cup next to me, keeping his distance.

I rolled my eyes. “Can't you make it yourself?”

“Well, you're right by the alcohol, so I figured you could just pour me some.” He responded coolly.

“Fine.” I grabbed his cup from the counter, taking the vodka and pouring some into his cup. I heard someone from behind say excuse me; and all of a sudden, a warm body was up against mine.

“What the fuck?” I jeered, turning my head to Sam.

“Sorry, I was taking up space.” He apologized.

I whined angrily. “And you couldn't just move to the other side?”

Sam shook his head. “Nope. He kinda shoved me this way.”

“Well can you back up now?” I questioned, lightly pushing against him to make him move.

He didn’t budge. He kept his body against mine. “I highly doubt you want that.”

“I don't want you fucking close to me.” I barked.

Sam chuckled, his voice lowering. "Are you still upset about the other party?"

"What's there for me to be upset about? Honestly I was super drunk, so I don't really remember most of it." I smirked, turning to look at him.

“Oh… I think there was something about us getting put into a closet together and making a bet that I couldn't turn you on... And you lost.” He uttered into my ear.

I ignored the rush of nerves that washed over me as his breath fanned across my neck. “Weird. Don't remember that.”

“Right. So, you're not upset that I didn't get you off? That I didn't fuck you?” He whispered, his smile mocking.

“No. Besides I ended up sleeping with Jared that night. And then Ryan the next day.” I shot back.

He nodded. “I heard. Jared and Ryan like to brag.”

“Well, they are fantastic lovers. And so am I. Too bad you won't find that out.” I quipped.

“Is that so?” He questioned.

I rolled my eyes at him, trying to hide my pounding heart. “Here's your vodka soda. Are you gonna leave me alone now?”

"Just one more question," Sam took swig of his drink, pressing himself even more into me, my body flush against the counter. I felt heat spread across my skin, and I tried not to shiver as he pressed his mouth close to my ear. "Did they make you feel as good as I did?”

“Even better. T-B-H, I really don't even remember our time in the closet. I was hella drunk.” I stated.

He exhaled, amused. “You already said that.”

I felt Sam's hand rest against thigh, just right under my skirt. Then casually, he began to move it up, inch by inch. I gasped at the cool feeling of his hand against my warm skin. His finger had just reached the very beginning of my skirt when I realized what was happening.

"What the hell are you-?!" I whispered aggressively, grabbing his hand and stopping him. I glared at him over my shoulder. "There's too many people around for you to be doing that."

“That's the problem with you popular people. You think everyone is always paying attention to you. You think all eyes are on you. In reality, no one cares. No one is looking at you... besides me.” Sam argued.

I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of wondering if he was right, so I stared straight forward, my eyes boring into the glass cabinet in front of me.

He continued, his lips pressed against my ear. “I could literally yank your skirt up, rip your panties off, and fuck you against this counter, and no one would even glance at you. They would only notice what we were doing when you start screaming my name.”

I scoffed, “Like I would ever scream your name. I've never screamed anyone's name.”

“Then I guess Ryan and Jared aren't that good at sex.” He remarked.

“They're definitely better than you. You don't even have that effect on me.” I swallowed hard, knowing it was a lie.

Sam hummed against my neck. I could tell from the purse of his lips he was smirking. In an instant, he slid his hand up the rest of my skirt, cupping my sex and pressing my wet panties against my clit. I shuddered, my eyes widening as my hand fell from his and gripped the counter.

Sam murmured, “I beg to differ.”

I hadn't even realized how wet I had gotten, my mind completely fogged by Sam's presence.

Fuck, this is not how things were supposed to go.

“I've thought about you every night since that party.” He confessed.

I bit my lip, “Of course you have.”

“I even slept with other girls, thinking that maybe that would help. But it didn't. No girl is quite like you.” He kissed my neck gently, my back arching against him, “No girl feels the same as you. No girl is as wet as you.”

I couldn't even reply, the pressure he was applying to my clit made my eyes roll back. I needed more, and my hips started moving against him.

“Oh baby...” Sam kissed my neck sweetly, cooing. “Are you sexually frustrated? Did I do that to you?”

“Yes. W-wait no. No, I-I'm not.” I stuttered.

“Then why are you fucking my hand?” He queried innocently.

My eyes popped open at his words, glancing down and realizing I was grinding against his hand. I ripped his hand away, spinning around, and shoving his chest. He smacked back into the island in the middle of the kitchen, a look of surprise on his face.

I reared back and slapped him across the face. Only a couple people around us noticed, their expressions shocked.

I stumbled up to Sam, my face close to his. His eyes glared daggers at me, like somehow, I was in the wrong.

What an asshole!

“Either fuck me right now, or leave me alone Sam. Your choice.” I hissed.

He sucked his teeth, looking my body up and down, and grunting, "Fine."

Sam snatched my wrist and pulled me through the party quickly. He rushed us up the stairs and into the bathroom, slamming the door and locking it behind him.

He pushed me up against the door, forcing my hands into his. He brushed his mouth across my chest and up my neck until finally pressing against my mouth. The kiss was deep, and I struggled to get my hands free from him.

I wanted to smack him again, but I also wanted to rip his clothes off. I couldn't pretend to not want him any longer. I needed him to fuck me.

I was able to rip my hands away from him, gripping onto his button up shirt and pulling him closer. His tongue pushed deep into my mouth as he lifted one of my legs, wrapping it around his hip. He grinded his hips against mine, my body arching into him.

I slid my hands down his body, unbutton his shirt as fast as I could. When most of the buttons were off, I reached down for his belt and tried to unbuckle it.

He moved my hands away, “I got it, baby. Take your clothes off for me.”

I bit my lip, yanking my halter top over my head. I pulled my skirt down and watched as he took off his shirt and unzipped his pants. His body was really toned, a light wash of hair adorned his chest.

“Wow, you look really good for a nerd.” I joked.

He blinked, “Get against the counter.”

I placed myself against the counter, facing him. He gazed down my body, his eyes lingering on my naked breasts. Then he spun me around, making me face the mirror. He pushed my body down into position, his hips lining up against my own. I could feel his hard cock against my ass, my slickness running down my thighs at the feeling.

His eyes met mine in the mirror, and then he let out a soft laugh. “You popular girl are so... full of it.”

“What?” I squinted at him.

“You think you're better than everyone else. Hell, you wouldn't even admit that I turned you on. But here you are, naked and dripping for a nerd.” Sam ran his hands down my body, tearing my panties off hastily. Then within seconds, he plunged his cock deep inside of me, my cunt already soaked for him.

I gasped loudly, “Oh my God!”

He kept his rhythm deep and sensual. “You like that? Does that feel good?”

“Y-yeah. Oh fuuuuckk.” I purred.

He groaned, “Fuck, you are such a slut.”

I whined, annoyed. “Wha-? N-No I'm not.”

Sam glared at me in the mirror, smacking my ass hard as he continued his thrusts. He lowered his lips down to my ear, growling, "I can already feel you clutching around my cock like you're gonna cum. I've barely fucked you for a minute. Of course you're a slut."

I hated how my body reacted to his words. I could feel my sex get even more slick around him.

I shouldn't like being called a slut, but it sounded so good coming out of his mouth.

"You think I didn't feel your pussy twitch when I called you a slut?” He tsked in my ear, biting it softly. “Look at yourself in the mirror. Watch me fuck you."

I glanced at our bodies in the mirror, barely able to keep my eyes open from the pleasure. I looked away for a moment, only to feel a swift smack against my ass again. I squeaked, my eyes widening at Sam's reflection.

"Look. At. Yourself." Sam pounded his hips with each word, going deeper than he was before. My eyes rolled in the back of my head, but finally I stared at myself in the mirror. My breasts swung with each of his heavy thrusts. There was a layer of sweat clinging to my skin, my hair was a mess, and I couldn't stop the ragged breaths flowing from my lips.

“Call yourself a slut.” He demanded.

I furrowed my brows at him, but his intense stare made my pussy clench around him. Fuck, he was so hot.

“I-I'm a slut.” I whimpered lowly.

Sam slammed into me, keeping himself deep, but stopping all of his movements. He pressed me into the counter, wrapping his arms around me. His hand reached up carelessly and grabbed my throat. My eyes widened, my hands grabbing onto him. The pressure from his hand made my whole body throb in ecstasy.

“Call yourself a slut again.” He ordered.

“I'm a slut.” I panted.

He bucked his hips into me hard. “Again.”

“I-I'm a slut.” I stammered.

"Good girl." He slid his hips back and slammed into me again, my body jolting against the counter. I whined pathetically, closing my eyes for a moment. "Call yourself a stuck-up bitch."

“I'm a stuck-up bitch.” I repeated desperately.

"So good, baby girl." Sam revved his hips back again, but this time he didn't move them. His tip teased my entrance, my legs shaking. "Beg me to fuck you."

My voice shook as I spoke, my eyes locking with his. “Please Sam, please. I-I need you so bad. Fuck, please Sam.”

“You can do better than that.” He sassed.

“Fuck! Sam, oh my God, fuck me! I'm so close to cumming, please! I need you. I need to come! Please fuck me. Pleeeeaaassee.” I sobbed, my nails digging into his skin. I even tried to move my body against his, but he had me pressed so tightly between him and the counter.

He smirked, leaning in to kiss my cheek sweetly. Then his one hand moved back down to my hips, the other sliding from around my neck and to the back of my head, pushing me down towards the counter.

Then he thrusted into my aching cunt again, his pace so much faster than before. I sounded like a porn star against the sink, crying out with pleasure.

“What are you, baby girl?” He asked, grunting.

"I'm a slut!" I wailed automatically.

"You're not gonna be that for anyone else anymore, you hear me? You're my slut now." He bucked his hips into mine wildly.

“I-I'm your slut.” I whispered, liking the sound of it.

“That's right, baby. You'll only be that for me. You're mine now. My. Little. Slut.” Sam moaned harshly, spanking my ass.

I shrieked, “Oh fuck Sam!”

“Do you like that? Do you like the idea of me fucking you whenever I want to? Keeping you needy for my cock?” He snarled against my skin, his cock hitting deeper as he lowered himself to me.

“Yes. Yes. Yes!” I chanted, my mind going blank with pleasure.

"Of course, because you're a slut and that's all you can think of. All you want is my cock now. That's all you need!" He grunted, tugging on my hair.

I choked, “I'm getting so close. Please go harder, Sam!”

“Fuck baby, don't you dare come yet. Not until I say so.” He commanded.

He pounded into me over and over again, his hands gripping my hips hard. My hands cupped my breasts, squeezing and playing with them in time with Sam’s thrusts.

He placed two fingers in front of my face. “Suck on my fingers, slut.”

My mouth wrapped around his fingers, moaning at the feeling. He fucked my mouth in the same rhythm as his hips, my eyes lulling back as my cunt pulsated.

"God, I can't wait to use that whore mouth of yours,” he groaned. “Not tonight, but sometime soon."

He popped his fingers out of my mouth, lowering them down to my sex. He rubbed circles into my clit, my knees almost buckling.

I exclaimed, bouncing on his cock as fast as I could, “Fuck! I'm about to come Sam. Please let me come! Please!”

“I'm right there too, baby. Fuck, squeeze around me! Yes! Fuck! Come for me, slut! Do it.” He yelled.

My body exploded in ecstasy; my hips ravaged Sam's cock as he hit his edge. I screamed out passionately as I clenched around him, his cum filling me up deeply. Sam let out low, dark groans as he finished inside me, his hips finally stopping their movements. I could barely catch my breath as my body laid against the counter, the cool feeling calming my overheated skin.

<< PART 1 ||

#sam golbach #sam golbach fanfic #sam golbach fanfiction #sam golbach fic #sam golbach smut #sam golbach x oc #sam golbach oneshot #sam golbach one shot #sam golbach story

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lostfracturess · 2 days

Note

"You're really pathetic, you know that?" she spat. "You talk about caring, but in the end you threw everything away. Because you are too terrified to let yourself love me. Because apparently your own damn peace is worth more than me." SHUT UP YOU KNOW NOTHING???? SHE'S BASICALLY VOICING YOUR THOUGHTS GOJO 😭😭😭😭 why is he so pathetic 😭

"Don't you dare tell me to shut up," she snapped back, her voice rising. "You don't get to play the victim here. You did this. You ruined everything." my beautiful strong girl i love you so much and i fucking know how bad and destroyed she feels at the moment, betrayed and broken 😭😭😭

"But I also wanted nothing more than to fuck that attitude out of her right then and there" nuh uh use your fucking mouth for purpose for once in your life or i swear to god gojo-

"Perhaps I was only meant to love her in silence" yeah like you're able to keep your hands to yourself when it comes to her

He sighed. "You're the absolute worst patient ever." THAT'S SO FUNNY 😭😭

"I want you to take her with you," I said quietly. "She likes aneurysm clippings." such a romantic ❤️

"Every day, it felt more like I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. Letting her go, pushing her away, I—" FINALLY! FINALLY A DECENT THOUGHT! YES SATORU WE ARE ON A RIGHT WAY

"Finally, gasping for breath, I stumbled to a halt outside her apartment building" HOORAY FINALLY LET'S GOOOO

"She sat on the windowsill, book in hand. My future wife. Even in the dead of night, she was studying. How I loved her" my future wife??? i am sorry???? WHAT ABOUT ALL OF THIS HEART WRENCHING STUFF???? i knew it would end like this gojo.

"She was staring down — right at me" is this a Shakespeare's scene or what 😭😭😭 romeo and juliet 😭😭😭

"Don't give me that look. You know damn well you deserved it." i love her so fucking much gojo you better apologize on your knees or she will be taken.

"Save it," she spat. "You know what your fucking problem is? You can't stand being alone. Alone with your thoughts, with yourself. So you run. You run to pills, to whatever distraction you can find, anything to fill the void." the way she's exposing him EVERY TIME.....she knows him so well and loves so much it hurts

"Keep going," I insisted, moving closer. "Let it out. Yell at me, tell me how pathetic I am. Make me feel something, anything other than this damn emptiness." gojo i love you so much but please don't act as you're not the one to blame for this emptiness 😭😭

"Because it was prove she still cared, even if it was just to hate me with every fiber of her being. It was better than the void, that terrible chasm that had opened up between us after I'd pushed her away" the way he craves every emotion from her and validates it, i think at this point there's nothing wrong she could do in his eyes😭😭😭 he just can't be without her

"You're a fucking hypocrite, you know that?" I leaned closer, my mouth close to her ear. "You hate who I am, but you crave this, don't you? Giving up control, being at my mercy. Admit it." NO PLEASE PLEASE IT'S HOT VERY HOT BUT I AM BEGGING YOU TO COMMUNICATE 😭😭😭😭 IF THEY WON'T TALK AGAIN AFTER IT I THROW MYSELF DOWN FROM THE CLIFF

"You really are a fool, for wanting to fix something so broken it'll cut you to shreds the moment you get close and then you cry afterwards—" why does he think he can say such a thing 🤨🤨🤨 is he immortal or what, and here i thought he really would be apologising

"My future wife just spit in my face — what a good anecdote on our wedding day" dummy 😭😭

"Weren't together anymore after all" EXCUSE ME??? YOU'RE DEEP INSIDE HER, ALREADY PLANNED YOUR WEDDING DAY, AND NOW SAYING YOU'RE NOT TOGETHER.... he's driving me insane

"Without warning, she reached forward, gripping my throat with surprising strength as she leaned down, her hair falling like a curtain around our faces. I couldn't help but smile" that's SO HOT 😭

"My lips twisted into a smile again. "Admit it. You love the chaos as much as I do. The thrill, the way it makes you feel alive." actually i don't feel this way 🧐🧐🧐 she seems very composed yet she's reckless but not to that case, i feel like she might be up to something, but not to the extent of satoru

"Why else would you be here, like this, with me?" I countered. "Face it, we're addicted to each other—the highs, the lows, the constant push and pull. It's exhilarating, isn't it?" and that's true 😭

"It's alright, I love you enough for both of us." my knees are weak 😩

this whole scene made me feel Something ™ the the tension, their exposed emotions, their... everything 😭😭😭 finally he gets choked too

but his messy head??? one time he's calling her his wife and then saying we're not together anymore...i feel so confused, WHAT is he thinking 😭😭 gojo get a therapist i swear 🙏🙏🙏

the scene in his office's bathroom is definitely one of my favourite, so beautifully and thoroughly crafted, you're really a master 😭😭😭 just i thought the writing couldn't be better you amaze me!!!

thank you again for the chapter, sending you a lot of love and inspiration, have a nice nice vacation!!!!!

hello and welcome to part three !!

SHUT UP YOU KNOW NOTHING???? SHE'S BASICALLY VOICING YOUR THOUGHTS GOJO 😭😭😭😭 why is he so pathetic 😭

gojo panicked pretty quickly there as she was lying bare his worst behaviors traits haha !!

nuh uh use your fucking mouth for purpose for once in your life or i swear to god gojo-

gojo logic be like, can i silence her with a kiss? no? ehhhem then ... probably fuck her to silence her?? also no?? ehhemmem then i'm out of options 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

such a romantic ❤️

the romantic doctor we all need hehe. but also i think this is such a cute thing of him?? like okay this girl hates me like crazy right now, but she would love to do this insane surgery, so i'll talk suguru into it so that she would have something to be happy about again 😭😭

my future wife??? i am sorry???? WHAT ABOUT ALL OF THIS HEART WRENCHING STUFF???? i knew it would end like this gojo.

he's in heavy denial 😂😂😂

the way she's exposing him EVERY TIME.....she knows him so well and loves so much it hurts

she really is like, okay you fucker, you want to got there again?? then let me tell you how stupid you are, i'm not getting tired of this 😂😂 but yeah, she really sees through his crap and all that and wants to make him see it too.

the way he craves every emotion from her and validates it, i think at this point there's nothing wrong she could do in his eyes😭😭😭 he just can't be without her

he's a SIMP !! and you're right, there is really nothing she could do that would make him not love her 💔😭

NO PLEASE PLEASE IT'S HOT VERY HOT BUT I AM BEGGING YOU TO COMMUNICATE 😭😭

idk i just love how they are insulting each other at this point, like they're both insane 😂😂

it's really just a defense mechanism of him, but yes, he was really into the moment lol, and probably overdoing it A LITTLE BIT 😩😩

he definitely senes something from her but no omg she's never on the same level as gojo, that would be wild 😂😂 but she definitely changed a bit while being with him.

this whole scene made me feel Something ™ the the tension, their exposed emotions, their... everything 😭😭😭 finally he gets choked too

so glad it landed well for you !! i think i was expecting the scene to hit more, because i never wrote smut out of the male pov but apparently it did not so much for me but maybe it's just me being critical about myself again idk. anyway, glad you enjoyed !!

the scene in his office's bathroom is definitely one of my favourite

you mean when he overdosed? lol i actually envisioned this scene in his APARTMENT 😂😂 but apparently i never really wrote WHERE they are so it also makes sense for him to be in his office lol.

because in his apartment it would be clear that she comes to his home after the whole mess to check in on him or like talk or whatever and that would be sweet but also make it more heartbreaking for her to find him so lifeless and all, but apparently i fucked that up 😂😂😂😂

but really girl, reading your reactions to the chapter is really so funny for me !! thank you so so much for taking your time to do that, and thank you for your well-wishes. have a good day or night and a lovely week dear ❤️❤️

#inbox

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inevitably-johnlocked · 6 months

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Hi Steph, I’m sorry to bother you with this but I feel so lost and your blog has been a source of light for so long. I’ve been trying to hold on a job for a while but had to quit two because of mental health reasons. I am embarrassed though, how do I cope with this? At the same time I know I am capable since I do have skills, but the environment/circumstances is just so stressful..

Hey Nonny *HUGS*

Ooof I am SO sorry that you're dealing with that stuff, and I wish I could do more than offer hollow words. Please know I am not a professional so please just take what I say as anecdotes that I hope will help you too <3

Nonny, there is NOTHING to be embarrassed about, and it took me a LONG time to realize that. Seeing a therapist has helped me immensely with those feelings of shame. I'm also fortunate enough to have a day job that I'm 8-years-tenured at, so honestly I just went right to the top with the HR manager in the room, told them exactly what my therapist recommended for me, and now I'm allowed some accommodations should I need them.

However.

Mental health is WOEFULLY undervalued in the corporate world, and very few of us end up with employers who are both understanding and accommodating to our needs, and I can understand why you want to keep it to yourself in fear of job loss. I'm a Canadian in Ontario, and we have laws that employers cannot fire or lay you off strictly because of mental health issues (which I believe is a fairly recent thing). You don't state where you're from, so I'm going to guess it's the US, which I – from afar and tumblr posts – understand is horrific to employee-rights. So, yeah, I can understand why you feel trapped.

Honestly Nonny – and this is just because I felt encouraged by my therapist to do so – just talk to an HR person about options to accommodate you, like maybe they let you work nights when there's less people and distractions, or let you do hybrid work... And if need be, get a doctor or psychologist's note to present to them.

Honestly Nonny, I'm probably the worst person to ask about this, because I KNOW I'm privileged enough work a job that was willing to work with me. You know why? Because, like you, I have the skills that are valuable enough to keep me around. It took working an entire pandemic at home to prove to them I could be granted those accommodations, but yeah, sometimes, your work IS noticed, even if they don't say anything to you.

So, my thoughts are this: talk to a counsellor or therapist or even your doctor (mine is a talk therapist, and we're working on cognitive behavioural therapy, which is essentially giving me tools to cope with my day-to-day), because just having an unbiased point-of-view is helpful. Talk to your HR manager to see if they have the capabilities to accommodate your needs. AND if your job has PTO or Sick days, TAKE THEM. That's what they're there for. There is NO shame in taking a day off because you can't get out of bed. OR offer to work at home on those days, which is what I do.

Sorry I'm not much help other than this, Nonny. I have so much empathy for you, especially since I have very bad headspace days where I can't physically bring myself to go to the office. I truly hope you find a solution that works for you, but AGAIN, DON'T BE ASHAMED. You are only human, and we are NOT made to work 40+ hours a week for 60 years.

If anyone has much more useful advice, please do offer it <3

#steph replies #i am not a professional #mental health #life advice #my thoughts #my advice #chatting with nonnies

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fruit-salad-ship · 10 months

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Pirate AU, Plum and Peach are finally at a point where more personal questions can be asked, a quiet night in a port while the crew let loose and enjoy.

She's got to know, what exactly did peach do for 500 odd years? Tales are told sure but how true are they? Did she slay foul beasts and captain ghostly ships? Was she the one who robbed that barron the one time? Has she really travelled to the bottom of the ocean?

Peach laughs, she's heard the stories, they make their way back to her.

But truth be told, with the crew distracted and Plum becoming something she enjoys, if not even trusts a little, she briefly goes over it.

"I spent the first 10 years hunting the people responsible for my wifes death." she takes a drink, proud she got every last one of them and their familes. wiped the entire bloodlines off the face of the earth through sheer rage and fury. "After that I mourned, another 90-100 years just...coming to terms with it all. Once I could bare to leave the sea caves and start to do thing again, I stole a ship, it was 200 odd years of being a nightmare. Those years alone were what racked up the bounty on my head." A bounty with an unfathomable number attached to it. "I slept around, tried to find company in others to feel some small fragment of love or affecton again, but it was all meaningless. Fought things people didnt believe to be real, stole from the richest, killed the nastiest, became something to truly fear... I think looking back I was lashing out, I was angry at being alone. My crew feared me, not because I was stern and strict, but because I would often lose my cool and snap. There was no rationality then, I had no concequences, nothing to die for, nothing to be killed by, it went to my head. I tried to fill the void with anything and everything." She drinks again, the weight of that old tarnished wedding ring around her neck noticable now. "It didnt work. I grew tired of being the meanest thing out there, just...slowed down, stopped taking work until i needed to for money to drink, stopped hunting people, just kept to myself. Ever since then I just wandered around, waiting for...anything to happen that made sense, gaining more of a reputation every day I didnt age, didnt die, every time someone came to kill me and put holes in me, drowed me, tried to end it. But i just kept surviving, it only strengthened the stories told."

Plum was becoming increasingly aware that the worst rumours no doubt stemmed from that more violent period of time in the womans life, bloody, brutal, inhuman rumours, the ones that stuck in the history books.

"Then you showed up, demanded I join your crew, first person in hundreds of years who bothered to approach me with a proposition." The unspoken truth behind that was that Peach followed for the feeling of familiarity, not the money or her captains inspiring words. "Can't really turn down fates call like that."

"Huh. I'd have thought you'd have spent more time causing problems for people." The smaller woman laughed after saying that, imagining Peach in her prime, at the peak of her ferocity, knowing just how potent she could be when needed now, even though she'd become almost dismissive and docile with people according to the locals and tales about her.

"Well. I've always got time. Never know what the years will bring."

#pirate au #fruit salad #brainrot #chatting shit #their little talks always make me pause to think

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zegrvshvghes · 11 months

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Cheater, liar, whatever it was or wasn’t it’s over now-NH13

I also do not and would never think that nico is a cheater it’s just for the plot don’t get mad freaks.😛

As I sit here in my empty apartment, tears streaming down my face, I can't help but feel like the biggest fool in the world. How could I have been so blind? How could I have trusted Nico so completely, only to have him betray me in the worst way possible?

I remember the day I discovered his infidelity like it was yesterday. It was a Tuesday, and I had gotten off work early because I wasn't feeling well. I decided to surprise Nico with lunch at his house, thinking it would be a nice pick-me-up for both of us. But what I walked in on was a scene straight out of a nightmare.

There he was, hunched over his kitchen table, his lips locked with a woman I didn't recognize. At first, I thought it was some kind of mistake, that maybe they were just joking around. But then I saw the way Nico's hands were roaming all over her body, and I knew in an instant that there was nothing innocent about what was going on.

I didn't even wait for them to notice me before I turned and ran out of the room, my vision blurred by tears. I don't remember much of what happened after that – just snippets of Nico's voice on the phone, begging me to come back, and me screaming at him, telling him I never wanted to see him again.

The days that followed were a blur of pain and heartache. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I couldn't even bring myself to leave the house. I just sat there, staring at the walls, wondering how I was ever going to move on from the man who had once been my everything.

And now here I am, a month later, still reeling from the aftershocks of Nico's betrayal. I've tried to keep busy, to distract myself with work and friends, but it's always there, nagging at the back of my mind. The nights are the worst – I lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling, imagining Nico with that other woman, wondering how many times he'd done it before I caught him.

Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly weak, I'll pick up the phone and dial Nico's number. He always answers, his voice thick with regret and apologies, but I can never bring myself to say anything. Part of me wants to forgive him, to go back to the way things were before, but the other part knows that I could never trust him again, not after what he did.

I try to tell myself that it's his loss, that he's the one who messed up and lost the best thing that ever happened to him, but it's hard to internalize that when all I feel is the crushing weight of betrayal. How could he do this to me? Didn't he know how much I loved him, how much I trusted him?

And the worst part of it all is knowing that, no matter how much I try to move on, how many new relationships I try to forge, that betrayal will always be a part of me. It will always be lurking in the back of my mind, whispering doubts and fears into my ear. I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to fully trust anyone again, not after what Nico did to me.

But for now, all I can do is pick up the pieces and try to move on. It's not easy, and some days it feels impossible, but I know that eventually I'll be able to heal, to find someone who deserves my love and trust. And maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to forgive Nico, even if I can never forget what he did to me.

id get back with nico if he cheated on me a million times i would not care

#nico #hischier #nico hischier #nhl #hockey #nico x trader #nico hischier x reader #njd

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papermonkeyism · 1 year

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For the new year, I wish I'll get to hang out with people again.

This past year has been, frankly, pretty miserable, specially since early summer-ish when my DnD group went on a months long break. Wasn't the first one, nor the last one, but definetely the worst one. Don't really have other friends locally, aside from one old school mate.

Honestly it's been pretty bad ever since the start of the pandemic when we stopped hanging out outside of DnD sessions and my fave coffee places closed down along with couple of my fave restaurants, and I just... Stopped having a social life, but now it's so much worse. As said, I have one (1) friend outside of the group I sometimes go shopping with, and one of my DnD buddies hangs out with me maybe once a week to borrow my laundry machine for couple hours, and they are probably the only reasons I haven't broken completely so far.

But neither of them are storytelling people the same way I am, so I'm kinda holding back when we hang out, as I can't really go all in with my special interests on them.

Downsides of being socially awkward introvert.

The summer break from roleplaying was a trigger for anxiety and maybe the worst creative block of my life so far. As someone who basically thinks with a sketchbook it was pretty fucking stressful not being able to draw anything for several months!

I crave creation and storytelling, but my brain is made of goo. Like imagine if someone came and asked you to pick a water from a pool and hand it to them? But it's liquid! Can I get a cup or something, but they just scoff. You got hands, right, just pick one up and hand it over. So I'm just left trying to scoop handfuls of wet and grabbing nothing. Kinda how it feels.

Started marathoning Crit Role to distract myself from the worst of it and to have at least some kind of creative energy in my life, and consumed what must be over half a thousand hours of role playing. At least that was fun!

And when nights started stretching and seasonal depression started to creep into my already not-doing-good brain I started my routine of evening walks because at some point I was legitimately going stir crazy enough to explode otherwise.

It's also been my first full year of joblessness in a long while. I was already having hard time by the end of last year, because my brain has difficulty handling full time jobs for long stretches of time, and ten months in a row not being able to recharge was starting to weight on me, so I had made a plan to get my brain sorted out with the ADHD diagnosis and hopefully medication before applying for jobs again, but turns out the process took the entire year, and then some, and I still don't have the meds yet. I have been given the thumbs up on them, but turns out me stressing for the better part of a year has triggered blood pressure problems (runs in my family, so honestly probably just a matter of time, but it's still very inconvenient to happen right now), so I have to sort that out first before it's safe to try stimulant medication.

And then there was the death in the family and a close friend's cancer diagnosis (fingers crossed!) and I just haven't had a great time, you know.

January's going to go into medical stuff in the hope of getting the ADHD meds, so maybe I could one day grab those thoughts again. The unemployment office is also pestering me again, so we'll see how that'll go.

I think I'll see if I can make myself a regular at the new cat cafe in town. Cats make everything better. Also looking forwards to actualizing a tattoo plan or two! Springtime is coming too, eager to continue my evening walk routine with returning sunlight. And I really, really, really need to create something again.

So here's for what I sincerely hope to be a better year than this past one! Cheers.

#shut up paper

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tgmsunmontue · 2 months

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🌿 ⇢ (give some advice on writer's block and low creativity) and 🏜️ ⇢ (what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?) <3

Hi! 😊

🌿 ⇢ (give some advice on writer's block and low creativity)

Oof. As someone who has taken years of writing breaks here and there due to being unable to create/write this hits hard. I didn't find a magic cure or anything, I was just suddenly inspired by a weird ass film (i.e. TG:M).

While I haven't been writing, I was creating in other ways (patchwork, drawing/painting and paper crafts). I think it works in peaks and troughs. I know I am much happier when creating something. In terms of feeling a lack of creativity, that is normal. We aren't machines. Our brains need time to mull over ideas - I will go and do something else and then come back to the thing.

My biggest barriers are procrastination and indecision (and then using my indecision to procrastinate).

My weekly 'tell me what write weekends' stop me from dithering and trying to figure out WHAT to write. I know I want to write, I just can't decide which WIP to do. I also manage many of my day-to-day tasks/chores like this by writing them all down, numbering them 1-20 and then rolling a dice to again force me into action rather than wasting away with indecision. This works for me. It may or may not work for other people (I have several friends for whom this idea makes them recoil in horror).

I have two fics I have no motivation to finish (not sure if that counts as writers block and/or lack of creativity?) In my head I know how they finish. However all the people subscribed to them DO NOT. So a thing which I will be trialling this weekend, as I attempt to finish these two DECADE OLD Glee AU WIPs, is re-read the fic, makes notes, read through what I have already written for both fics, and then make myself write at least 250 words on Friday night, Saturday and again on Sunday. I find 250 words generally easy to bang out in 15-20 minutes (30+ minutes if I am really struggling or am getting easily distracted). Will it be sequential to the story? Probably not. But just the act of forcing myself to write a little means the creativity starts flowing... again 250 words often ends up closer to 400, and 750-1,200 words toward a fic is great progress!

I'm not happy with about 30-40% of the stuff I share, I'm outright despairing of some of my older stuff, but for every fic I put out there, there is usually 1-10k of off-cuts/notes that never see the light of day.

I have a "PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION" sign to remind myself that I am my own worst critic as well.

🏜️ ⇢ (what's your favourite type of comment to receive on your work?)

The cliched but true 'all types', but FAVOURITE is nearly always questions - ones where I can answer and ramble and share my weird little head canons for that particular little fic. I like engaging with other people in fandom and spit-balling ideas back and forth, creating something organic that grows. It happens less and less now as people don't engage with WIPs as much due to fear of it never being finished (*cough cough* see above 10-year old WIPs), not realising that they could be the driving force behind it getting finished (or taking it in a whole other direction).

#SunMonTue answers

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idolsummons · 6 months

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Earning Adoration

Did I mention I hate Alice? By hate, I mean love. She's the worst. But what's a few friends compared to her material needs?

'Another package arrived for you today, Alice. I put it in your room.' Although she heard the words her step-mother spoke, Alice opted to continue eating rather than respond. 'Another one?' exclaimed her father. 'I don't know how you afford all these things.' 'She can't,' said Misaka. Alice shot her half-sister a glance. 'I bet it was another one of her boyfriends.' Their father choked on his food. 'Do you have a boyfriend, Alice?' 'No -' she swallowed her food - 'Papa, but I have many admirers.' Her father sighed a sigh of relief. 'Then why do you get those letters? I love you, Alice, I think about you all day and night and when I'm alone I -' 'Misaka,' Alice growled. She spoke through gritted teeth, lest she lose her temper. 'That is just how admirers act, and I think you would find it best not to read the mail of others.' 'My friends have had admirers. They leave them notes on their desk and say cute things, not tell them that they want to...' Misaka blushed. 'Well.' 'And I am a grown lady.' Alice pushed her chair out and stood. 'And you will find out that grown people act much different than little children.' Without so much as a word of thanks, Alice left the table and returned to her room.

Delecroix-chan,

It has been so long since I've seen you last, and not a moment goes by that I don't think about you. Even when I'm working, I find myself distracted thinking about you.

I saw this dress online and couldn't help but think of how cute it would look on you! I hope you adore it as much as I adored the thought of you in it and hope it makes an appearance in your regular rotation, or maybe I'll get to see you wearing it online!

Even getting through that much of the handwritten letter had made her want to bring up what she'd just eaten and so, after having found out who exactly had sent her the most recent gift, she'd trashed the letter - torn it up, too, so that Misaka couldn't get her grubby little hands all over it. Despite her disinterest in the note, however, Alice was delighted to wear her new dress the very next day, and how beautiful it was! The chest and sleeves (which flared out around the forearm) were a deep crimson, the waist and down the ruffled skirt black, with a ribbon around the neck to match, and it had been easy enough to match with black tights, crimson platform shoes and a lacy black parasol - all gifts from her admirers, of course. And yet, as she wore this brand new outfit, she found herself down the alleyway which boasted all her favourite brands, looking in the windows at the mannequins with their latest displays, desiring more than anything the beautiful outfits and accessories they boasted. 'Alice-chan!' Alice's hand clenched at the parasol's umbrella and a scowl tugged at her lips. She turned to the man jogging up to her with a gentle smile on her face. 'I asked you not to call me that, Monsieur Amano.' 'Ah, sorry, Delecroix-chan. I was just walking by and wanted to tell you how beautiful you looked in this dress. Is it new?' You're a liar. I know you come by whenever I make my usual rounds of the stores. You can't wait to see me, can you? It's one of the few things that brings happiness to your otherwise sad, sad life. 'Do you think so, Monsieur Amano?' Alice blushed a gentle pink, though one would barely know it beneath her layers of makeup. 'Kaneko-kun bought it for me.' Amano's smile faded. 'He did?' 'Yes, and he wrote me such a beautiful letter to go with it. You know, I think I am starting to run out of space for all these nice things you boys write for me. It might be time I start clearing them out. 'Oh, but you know, Monsieur Amano, Ikeda-kun was telling me just last night how he was looking at the new season's fashions. He told me he was going to buy me my favourite of the lot.' The colour started fading from Amano's face. Alice did her best to hold her expression steady. 'Well, which one did you choose?' 'Actually.' Alice turned around to the store behind her. 'This one right here had caught my eye.' The dress on the mannequin was a cocoa brown with a matching ribbon around the neck and a white shirt beneath. Around the skirt was a scene of a coffee shop, with various machines pouring out coffee beans towards the white, ruffled hem. 'It is a shame that I will not have it for a few weeks yet.' 'Why's that?' 'He said that he would not be able to afford it until the end of the month, and fashion is always changing. It is important to always be on top of these things, yes?' 'Well, what if I bought it for you right now?' Alice brought her fingers to her lips. 'You would do that for me, Monsieur Amano? Are you certain?' 'It wouldn't be right to make you wait, would it? Come on.' Amano outstretched his arm to take Alice's hand and instead, Alice looped her arm through his, and so they walked into the store together arm in arm.

'Good morning,' greeted the store clerk with a smile and tone that was too obviously fake. 'Good morning,' said the ever cheery Amano. Alice knew he wasn't clever enough to catch such things. 'How can I help you two today?' 'My boyfriend wished to buy me a dress.' Without even looking over, Alice could feel the heat newly radiating off Amano. 'The one in the window.' 'No problem,' said the clerk. 'Let me just grab that for you.' 'Alice - ah, Delecroix-san, do you think of me like your boyfriend?' 'Hm? Well, you are my friend who happens to be a boy, yes? Did I misspeak?' 'Well, you know, it's just that people usually use it for someone they're...' Amano cleared his throat. 'Romantically involved with.' 'Oh, I'm sorry. I should have merely called you my friend, yes? You know that Japanese is not my first language.' 'Yeah,' he responded, dejected. 'I know.' Idiot. 'Unless...' Alice giggled. 'You would rather I call you my boyfriend?' And just like that, Amano perked up. 'Really?' 'Here you are, ma'am.' The clerk reappeared from the back of the store. 'You just got the last one.' Alice took her arm from Amano's person and approached the clerk with a smile and took the bag. 'Thank you so much.'

'I cannot believe this,' said an overly cheery Alice once the two finally left the store. 'You are truly wonderful, Monsieur Amano.' 'So, what you were talking about inside,' Amano said, cheeks red. 'Did you really mean what you said, y'know, about calling me your boyfriend?' 'Hm?' Alice blinked. 'Oh, yes. Well, I am not certain that I am ready to make my decision yet, but...' It was thanks to the platform shoes Alice wore that she was tall enough to press her lips to Amano's cheek without getting on her toes, leaving a black lipstick mark behind. 'I hope that will be adequate payment for your kindness? Just make sure you do not tell the others about this - it would not do for them to get jealous, would it?' 'No,' muttered Amano, who looked so happy he was ready to die a peaceful death. 'I guess not.' 'But time is moving forward, and I will be expected at home sooner rather than later.' Alice turned and waved back at Amano. 'Farewell, Monsieur! Until next time.' Amano waved back, but not without looking stunned at the exchange only moments ago. Alice, meanwhile, was already rifling through her handbag the moment she was out of the alleyway, looking for her lipstick as she barged through the crowd and everyone parted for her. Ugh, that idiot made me ruin my makeup and now I'm going to need to use mouthwash for days. At least I got my dress.

#little slices of an existence ･ﾟ✫ drabble #gothic manipulator ･ﾟ✫ side muse (alice delecroix)

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thesmallerfry · 8 months

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a brief job hunt rant:

over the last month or so i've had the worst type of inertia - there's been nothing for me to do all day other than apply to jobs, and yet that the only thing i can't seem to be able to do. and i know i have to do it and i know i'll feel worse the longer i take to do it, but i've had this mental block where even starting has felt impossible.

i've been procrastinating like it's my job (technically i guess it is? lol) and i've distracted myself so much, to the point where i think i might be running out of distractions. and so last night, when i was trying to fall asleep, i couldn't get anything to shut my brain off. no matter what i watched or listened to, nothing could make me forget about the situation i'm in.

except applying to jobs.

so in the last 24 hours, i've probably accomplished the same amount as i have in the last month. which means my anxiety has decided to start helping me instead of hindering me? i guess? it's not like everything is suddenly fixed, but i feel like i'm finally starting to move here.

anyway i guess i'm just wondering if this is a Thing for anyone else, and how the rest of y'all cope with the job hunting grind. how do you find your motivation? i figure it's worth a scream into the void.

TLDR: how do you make yourself keep up the job hunt when it feels impossible? can you use anxiety to your advantage?

#job hunting #job search #anxiety

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stargazer-sims · 1 year

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Journal Entry #47 (part one)

previously - Journal Entry #46 (part seven)

Victor

Hey, everyone.

So, it's been a while, and I'm not even sure where to start. Things have been... chaotic. I guess Yuri's been keeping you up to date, and I'm sure he's told you all about my accident and everything that's been happening since, so I won't go over that again. Living it once was enough, and I'm still having nightmares about it, so... yeah. I'm trying to keep my waking hours as free from it as I can.

I haven't felt like recording anything up to now. I mean, I obviously couldn't while I was in the hospital, but since I've been home again, I haven't had the mental stamina for it, or the physical stamina either, really. Being in pain is pretty exhausting, honestly. I think I probably already knew that from taking care of Yuri, but now I understand it from personal experience. I'm not used to feeling like crap and having hardly any energy, and it sucks.

I’m confident that my arms and rib are slowly getting better, and Mom says the bruises I had on my face and shoulder and down my side are totally gone, but I'm still having brutal headaches and I still can't see properly. Julian had to set up my phone for me so I could record this. If I'm not looking right into the camera, I'm sorry, and if I'm accidentally giving all of you like, a thousand-yard stare or something, I apologize for that too.

Sometimes I think my eyes are improving, but then I'll blink or I'll try to focus on something and it's just gone again. Mostly, everything's all blurry and indistinct, as if I'm looking through one of those frosted glass shower doors. It's frustrating because not only can I not play games on my Switch or text on my phone, I can't even do stuff that doesn't require major use of my hands and arms, like watching videos or practicing my reading or even picking out audio books by myself. I have to get help finding an audio book to listen to, or a movie. I basically have to listen to movies too, which is annoying.

When I'm not in too much pain, I get bored, and without being able to do anything to distract myself, all I can do is think. I don't like that. It's too scary and depressing, especially when I start worrying about whether my life really is going to get back to normal.

I realize it's only been a little over a week since my accident — this is Monday night and it happened a week ago Friday — so I shouldn't expect too much, too soon. The doctor did say it might take a few weeks or maybe up to a month for the worst of the symptoms to resolve, after all, and I might be dealing with some aftereffects for months. She said it was a grade 4 concussion, which is the most severe type because I was unconscious for more than a full minute, and she said I've got mild swelling of the brain. That's the explanation for the bad headaches and dizziness and of course the vision problems. I'm not supposed to be doing anything strenuous, or even remotely active, really. I'm not even allowed to climb the stairs by myself until the doctor clears me to do it. Not that I can actually climb the stairs by myself anyway, but you know.

Earlier today, Yuri's dad arranged an appointment for me with the oppthalmologist that he and Mrs. Okamoto, Yuri and Yuki all go to. Her name is Dr. Ishida, and she's going to see me this coming Friday. Exactly two weeks after the accident, if you're counting. I'm hoping she gives me better news than the ophthalmologist at the hospital did.

Yeah, you didn't hear that wrong. Mr. Okamoto arranged it. Yuri was going to do it himself, but he's actually sick right now and he's not up to making important phone calls. Like, he's sick enough for the hospital, if you ask me, but I think somebody would literally have to carry him out to the car to get him there.

Managing at home when he's this ill is not ideal in my opinion, but he says he doesn't want to go to the hospital because he doesn't want to leave me. I totally get that. I don't want us to be apart either, but I'm also freaking out because I can't take care of him like I usually do, and he's not comfortable with Mom or Julian doing what I normally would. Plus, they don't know everything they should be doing for him anyway, and it's super difficult for me to explain it.

All I can say is, thank goodness for Yuri's dad.

I know what you're likely thinking. Up to now, Yuri and his father have been on really bad terms and barely spoke to each other, and Mr. Okamoto hasn’t exactly been my biggest fan either, so why am I saying I’m grateful for him? Well, the thing is, he’s surprised us all during the last several days, and not in a negative way.

Let me try to explain.

Maybe people think Yuri’s not interested in a relationship with his dad, and I guess I wouldn’t blame anyone for believing that, considering how tense things were in the past. Yuri does actually want a relationship, but he and his dad are both so stubborn that once they started resenting each other for whatever real or imagined hurt they'd caused, neither one of them was willing to let go. I think Mr. Okamoto was more at fault than Yuri for the problems between them, mostly because he didn't know how to deal with Yuri not living up to his unreasonable expectations, but to be fair, you can't have a disagreement by yourself. Yuri isn't just an innocent victim of his dad's difficult personality and crappy communication skills. He had his own part to play.

But, since my accident, we're seeing a side of Mr. Okamoto that we've never seen before. It started with him coming to the hospital right after it happened, to sign consent forms, talk to the doctors and generally deal with stuff until Yuri could get there. Then, he stayed here with Yuri while I was in the hospital, which I was grateful for. I didn't like to think about him being alone. He said it was awkward, having his father here, but also kind of reassuring in a way.

I'm glad they both seem to be softening up, at least for the moment. Yuri really needs his dad in his life, and seeing Mr. Okamoto ready and willing to help us says something about how much has changed between them in a short time.

I want to be optimistic that things are going to get better between them going forward. Anyone who didn't know the whole story would probably be inclined to be positive in this situation, and maybe I should be too. I promise I'm trying, but knowing Mr. Okamoto, I have my doubts. He's not great at consistency and he hasn't shown much interest in the past, but I guess there's always a chance this time it'll be different. For Yuri's sake, I hope so, but I suppose we'll have to wait and see.

Anyway, on Saturday night after dinner, Mr. Okamoto came over to get the stuff Hana left here that morning. Apparently, Yuri had called or texted him to pick it up because he didn't want her coming back here for it herself. I'm pretty sure nobody wanted her to come back, least of all me, so I was relieved when my father-in-law took the bags and made his exit.

I'm not sure I was quite so relieved when he returned about two hours later, with bags of his own, and with Yuki in tow.

I mean, don’t get me wrong. I was thrilled to see Yuki. I just didn’t know what to expect with her and her father planning to stay here.

When Yuki first saw me, she ran to me and hugged me so hard that I thought she might break a few more of my ribs. Then we both cried a veritable flood while she told me she loved me and that she was glad I was alive.

I hadn't realized she was at the hospital with my friends on the day of my accident, and my heart hurt when she told me how worried she'd been. Nobody would tell her anything, she said, and when she wasn’t allowed to see me, she’d feared the worst. I said I was sorry for saying I didn't want anyone to come and see me in the hospital, and she said she understood, but I wondered if she did. In hindsight, I should've agreed to let her visit. I might've felt better after a hug from my favourite local super spy and internet personality, Yuki Okamoto.

Yuki and her father haven’t left here since Saturday night. He brought the smallest shikibuton for Yuki, and of course a normal sized one for himself, and the two of them have set up camp in the laundry room, of all places. Mom and Julian are in my room, Yuri's in his own room, and of course I'm still in the dining room, so it was the only spot left.

Mr. Okamoto said he was here to help. Nobody questioned him, not even Yuri. Since then, he's been doing all kinds of things around the house, including cooking and baking, which he's good at, and housecleaning chores, which he's not good at. Most importantly, he's doing things for Yuri, like helping him in the bathroom, and making sure he stays as nourished and hydrated as possible. Mom said he even gave him a bath this morning, which in her words, "left the upstairs bathroom looking like a small tsunami went through."

While Mom mused aloud about how he could've gotten so much water everywhere and why there were so many wet towels, and complained about the disaster area he'd left behind, I laughed so hard it hurt. I was trying to picture it, and all I could think about was the time me and Ellie were babysitting her cousins, and the four-year-old decided he wanted to be a sea monster while in the bath. We even got water on the ceiling that day, although we never mentioned it to Ellie’s aunt and uncle. I guessed Yuri probably hadn’t been anywhere near as lively as that kid had been, and it was much less likely that he’d wanted to play a game and splash around for fun, so it left me curious about the mess, too.

Bathtime tsunami notwithstanding, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't thankful for Mr. Okamoto's help right now. I doubt he's anywhere close to my standards when it comes to Yuri's care, but far be it from me to look this particular gift horse in the mouth. That he's even here at all is astounding, and the fact that he basically rolled up his sleeves and plunged into the current state of madness in our home is a super big deal.

On a connected and somewhat lighter note, I'm pretty sure Julian and Mr. Okamoto are besties now. Mom still seems a little cool toward him, but he and Julian have instantly bonded over their shared interests. They both play the piano, they both love art, and apparently Mr. Okamoto is as big a science fiction and fantasy nerd as Julian. Not gonna lie, listening to the two of them geek out over video games, role playing, Llama Man comics, and classic sci-fi B movies like It Came From Sixam and Day of the Plant Sims was kind of surreal.

It was highly entertaining, having an Uncle Kaz movie marathon with them on Sunday night. We watched some of Uncle Kaz's older Japanese-language films, with English subtitles, and me and Mr. Okamoto tried our best to help Julian understand the jokes. It was fun and felt weirdly comfortable, and by the end of it, my father-in-law and future stepfather were on a first-name basis. I'm not even allowed to call my father-in-law Kenji, so obviously Julian has made a great impression.

Wait... let me backtrack a bit. Like, a lot of stuff happened before the movie marathon, and it's way more important.

On Sunday, we all slept in. Once everybody except Yuri had finally gotten out of bed, Mr. Okamoto and Yuki made rice, eggs and grilled fish for breakfast, and it was so good. Mom had to feed most of my meal to me, but Yuki and I figured out a way for me to grip a spoon without using my thumb, so with her guidance, I was able to feed myself a bowl of rice. It was strange not using chopsticks, and I still feel embarrassed about getting help to eat, but I'm learning to accept it. It’s only temporary, and things could be a lot worse, right?

But, I digress.

After breakfast, Julian helped me upstairs so I could lie down and cuddle with Yuri for a while, and try to figure out just how ill he was. I knew it was serious the night before, when he didn’t come downstairs to share my mattress in the dining room, but I didn’t know the extent of it until I could see him and physically touch him.

To my dismay, it was way worse than I’d expected. He’d been unwell for a couple of weeks before my accident, and I realized he’d been declining, but this was really bad. It blew my mind how he’d managed to hide the true severity of his pain from me, but I reminded myself that I hadn’t exactly been in a fit state to notice every little nuance of his demeanour and body language like I normally would.

Obviously, he’d been forcing himself to do everything he thought he had to do instead of resting and taking care of himself, and by Saturday night his body didn’t have enough fight left in it. His immune system is weak at the best of times, and it’s like he’s constantly pushing through a state of nearly always being mildly unwell, but this had clearly been a headlong rush into a full-on crash. There was no way he hadn’t seen this coming, even if I hadn’t.

Once I was settled in bed with him, I let him lay on top of me the way he likes, even though it made my cracked rib hurt like hell. It was pointless to say anything or to try stopping him. He was so out of it, he probably didn't even realize what he was doing and just instinctively crawled onto me, seeking any bit of familiarity and human closeness he could find. I felt bad for him because even though I was in discomfort, I knew he was in far more pain than I was. I could feel heat radiating off his skin, and every time I moved even slightly, he whimpered.

I wished with every fibre of my being that I could make all his suffering disappear. I hated that he was so sick, and that it was at least partly my fault for not paying better attention to him and letting it get to this point without insisting that he needed rest and medical attention.

"This isn't good, Yuri," I told him, after I’d inadvertently shifted my weight, and he literally cried out from either the movement itself or the abrupt change of pressure against his stomach.

“Don’t… don’t do that,” he gasped. “Hurts. Gonna make me throw up.”

Normally, I might make a joke about him throwing up in bed, but this was not a laughing situation. “If you have to, tell me. I’ll yell for your dad.”

“Please… don’t.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. His tears were soaking through my t-shirt, and I felt helpless to comfort him. “Do you want to lay a different way? It might be less uncomfortable if you’re lying on your side or your back.”

“Wanna lie like this. With our whole bodies touching.”

“We can do that with you on your side,” I said. “You can be the little spoon.”

“Don’t wanna be the little spoon.” And to prove how adamant he was about it, he curled his fingers around a fistful of my shirt, as if daring me to pry him loose. I could feel his little hand trembling against my shoulder .

I rubbed small lines on his back with my fingertips. It felt inadequate, but it was all I could do with my arm in a cast. “Yuri,” I said. “Can you listen to me for a second?”

“Yeah,” was the weak reply.

"You need to see a doctor.”

“Don't want to.”

“You can’t go on like this. You need help, and you need to be somewhere where somebody can take care of you properly.”

"No..." He dragged out the single English syllable in a long whine before continuing in barely intelligible Japanese, "Want you to take care of me."

"I can't, sweet baby," I said. "I love you so much and I want to do everything for you, and I really I wish I could, but this is too much for either of us right now. You need to be where somebody can tend to you night and day, and I think you're gonna need medicine and intravenous fluids to help you get better."

"No," he repeated.

"Yes," I insisted. "Remember last time you were this sick? You needed fluids and antibiotics, and your doctor said the hospital was the best place for you."

"Don't want antibiotics. Make me feel worse."

"I know, but only for a short time. After that, you'll start feeling better a lot quicker. Let your dad take you to the hospital so you can get better?”

“No.”

“I’m worried about you, Yuri. Please.”

"Don't wanna be alone." he said.

"You wouldn't be alone. Me and Mom and Julian would all take turns staying with you. I think even your dad would. He's really stepped up lately, you know."

"Gotta tell him..." Yuri said, but then seemed to lose the thought, and mumbled something that sounded like, "My violin."

I smiled despite the circumstances. "You have to tell your dad about your violin? What about it?"

He let out a little grunt of frustration and tugged feebly at my shirt. "Victor!"

"I'm here."

"Listen."

"I'm listening, love."

"My violin case. Tell Papa..." He trailed off momentarily, as if he was trying to think of how to make the most impact with as few words as possible. "In my violin case. Look. It's important."

"Okay," I agreed.

"Thank you," he whispered. And then, "Love you. Just... wanna protect you."

"I know," I said. "I love you too."

"Please... tell Papa. Promise."

"I promise."

That satisfied him, and he let out a long, shaky breath that was half sigh and half moan. "Gonna sleep," he murmured. He was still clutching my shirt, but it didn't take long before I felt his fingers relax.

I lay awake, thinking. I couldn't imagine what would be in Yuri's violin case other than his violin, and why it'd be so important for his father to see it, but he was so insistent that I figured I'd better not ignore his request. Besides, I promised, and you guys know how I hate breaking promises, especially ones I've made to Yuri.

When I was sure he was sound asleep, I eased him off me as carefully as I could, and then climbed out of bed. It took me a second to orient myself, and then a few more seconds to crawl my way over to where Yuri usually keeps his violin case, on the floor next to his dresser. I could make out the shape of it, and to my surprise, the distinct shape of his violin on its stand next to it. He almost never leaves his violin out for long periods of time. I didn't know when he'd practiced last, but it definitely hadn't been since I got out of the hospital. He wouldn't have left it out since Thursday, so I guessed he must've taken it out sometime on Saturday.

But why?

Cursing my clumsy fingers, I fumbled with the latch of the case for a minute or two. I let out my breath when I finally got it open.

What I found inside was something I totally did not expect. It was a beige file folder stuffed with papers.

I didn't dare try to lift it out by myself, fearing that I'd end up spilling the contents all over the floor. I knew I wouldn't be able to read anything, but I had to soothe my curiosity anyway, so I hooked my fingers under the cover of the folder and flipped it open.

I'll admit, had no idea what to make of it when I thought I saw two passports inside. Why would Yuri have our passports in a folder like this? He’d said he wanted to protect me, but surely that didn’t include leaving the country? Neither of us were in any shape for that. I didn’t understand.

I probably would've panicked if my bruised brain hadn't suddenly registered the fact that both passports were red. The covers of Canadian passports are dark blue, so neither of these could've been mine, and if mine wasn't there then Yuri's wasn't either. Even if either of us could travel, he wouldn't go anywhere without me. I was sure of that.

But, that only begged the question, whose passports were they? And what was Yuri doing with them?

Obviously, it wasn't something he was trying to hide from me, or he wouldn't have directed me to them and asked me to tell his father. The thing was, there was no way in hell I was going to show anything to Mr. Okamoto until I knew what it was myself.

Since I couldn't read the papers, and I couldn't ask Yuri about them, I decided there was only one thing to do. I made my way the short distance back to the bed, and then felt around carefully on the nightstand to locate Yuri's phone. I was glad we'd activated voice dialling on both our phones a few days ago, as that was going to make my mission a whole lot easier.

I had to concentrate to remember how Yuri had listed my mother in his contacts, but once I got it, I said aloud into the silence of the room, "Hey, Siri. Call Dr. Grace."

Mom answered on the second ring, and she sounded both confused and worried. "Yuri? Is everything okay, sweetheart? Why are you calling me from upstairs?"

"Mom, it's me," I said. "Yuri's sleeping. Everything's pretty much as you'd expect, but... can you come up, please? I need your help with something important."

"What is it?" she asked.

"I'll show you in a minute. Please, just come up. I don’t want to tell you over the phone.”

That last sentence came out weird, like a line from a badly-scripted TV show, but I didn’t waste brainpower stressing over it. I had a feeling I’d need to save my mental energy to deal with whatever I was about to learn about the passports and Yuri’s folder full of mystery papers.

"Okay," Mom said. "Hang on. I'll be right there."

#ts4 #sims 4 #eagames #snowy escape #victorandyuri #victorsworldadventures #tw illness #tw chronic illness #tw pain #tw medical #tw injury #stargazersims

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