#Annabelle was also experimented on in this au but here we acknowledge how tragic it is and how she deserves better! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

outerspaceisbetterthannothing · 5 years

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Blame [Surgeon!Calum AU] Ch.7

Summary: What do you do if the only person you feel the connection to is the person you blamed for your sibling’s death?

Warnings: description of unpleasant sexual experience, mental breakdown and infant death

AN: Oh, wow, can’t really believe that i’m updating this fic, but here we are. Sorry it took so long and thank you if you kept waiting. Feedback is highly appreciated as always. Enjoy!

***

“Dad?”

The house answered with an echo of the word. Anna looked around. Lights were out in the kitchen and living room. Only the wall lamps in the hall were glowing softly, making everything look a little surreal in the shade of twilight.

“Dad, I’m home!” Anna tried again, but the house answered with the same silence.

She felt a rush of anxiety. Her dad knew she was about to come. Where was he? Where was everyone? Did anything happened? Anna dropped her bag right next to the door and moved to the stairs.

She saw it instantly, like she was expecting it. The door to the nursery, the one locked by Max weeks ago, was open. The only light was streaming from that room. Anna heard quiet sobs and gripped on the railing, her knuckles turning white. She wasn’t supposed to see that room. How come she did?

Anna entered the nursery.

“Mom?” she called.

Jennifer was standing next to the crib, clenching on the blue blanket they had brought to the hospital for Grayson. Her shoulders were shaking and her face was tear-stained, when she looked up at Annabelle.

“Mom, you shouldn’t have-” Anna started, her eyes filling with tears, but Jennifer closed the distance between them and hugged Anna, burying her face in Anna’s hair. “I’m so sorry, Anna, so so sorry,” she whispered.

“Mom, what are you apologizing for?”

Jennifer sniffed, letting go of Anna and looking her in the eyes. “I’ve dragged you through all of it, honey,” she said.

Anna felt her heart break at these words. “You’re not dragging me through anything, Mom. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault,” she took a deep breath, trying to push back the tears. “Let’s go downstairs, you shouldn’t have seen this anyway.”

Anna tried to pull her Mom to the door, but Jennifer shook her head, not moving from her spot.

“No, my darling, I should have seen it,” she looked around the nursery. “We’ll never overcome it unless we go through it. Hiding and running away won’t do the trick.”

Jennifer let go of Anna’s hand she was holding and moved to the window, painted light blue color Anna had spent days choosing in July. She stroked the windowsill and sighed again. “I needed to see it. As I need to acknowledge the fact that my baby will never sleep here to move on and start healing.”

She turned back and looked at Anna, who stopped trying to keep her tears inside. They were streaming down her face and Anna didn’t attempt to wipe them away.

“You need it too,” Jennifer said. “Whatever it is what holds you from grieving, you should let it go, Anna. You need to go through it all, no matter how difficult it is, or it’ll crash you.”

Anna looked away at these words, feeling everything freeze inside her. She was grieving, wasn’t she? More than her Mom knew.

“I’m going through it, you don’t have to worry,” she said more just to say something, than because she really meant it.

She saw her Mom smile and nod and knew Jennifer didn’t believe a word. But Anna also knew her Mom well enough to know she wasn’t going to push it further.

“I love it, you know,” she said, making Anna look at her with a puzzled expression. “The nursery,” Jennifer explained. “It’s perfect. Thank you so much for decorating it and the paintings.”

Anna shook her head as her Mom came up to her again and stroke her hair. “You don’t have to thank me for anything.”

“Yes, I do,” Jennifer insisted, hugging Annabelle again. “So thank you, my beautiful strong girl.”

Anna sobbed, putting her arms around her Mom’s waist and resting her head against Jennifer’s shoulder. “There’s no one stronger than you, Mom.”

***

Calum was sinking in the void. He heard everything like he was underwater, his mind going numb. The world around was slowly dying, disappearing from his perception borders. He always felt like that in the OR, having all his focus on the patient in front of him, forgetting everything that existed behind the doors of a sterile room. He always had only one goal inside these walls. Saving a life.

But today the fog around the operation table was somehow thicker and everything felt more unreal. And when the machines started signalling about the blood pressure being dramatically low, it didn’t mobilized Calum, but only made his numbness worse. He knew that very moment, he wasn’t able to win this fight. To be honest, he knew it long before that, when they opened up the little body and saw the tumour with their own eyes, he knew there was too little of a chance for the success. Yet, when the baby stopped breathing, Calum didn’t stop operating.

He felt his assistant surgeon freeze, saw the hesitation in the eyes of the nurses. But he couldn’t just stop. He was a surgeon, for God’s sake! His job was saving people, not standing and watching them die. So he kept going, was giving the instructions on different medications to use, was trying to set the tiny heart back on, asking the anesthesiologist about the time. Like any time left for them by anesthesiologist mattered now. But when his tiny patient spent five minutes without breathing, he had to finally admit it. He lost his fight. Again.

“Time of death eleven forty-eight.”

His own voice was coming to him through the walls of fog. He stepped back from the table and motioned to the assistant surgeon to finish for him. Calum felt slight trembling in his hands, which never happened to him before. With loud bang, that no one besides him could hear, the walls around him fell down, revealing the truth Calum wasn’t ready to accept.

He lost a patient. He lost another patient and knew fucking nothing of how to deal with that right now.

Calum stormed out of the OR, ripping off the gloves and his operating gown, and strolled down empty hospital corridors. He heard a familiar voice calling on him, but didn’t even try to stop. He rushed through half-empty corridors and hid in the on-call room. He almost hit an intern when opening the door there, but the poor guy disappeared without complaining after just looking at Calum’s face once.

But privacy of the on-call room didn't help. Calum had started moving and couldn’t stop now. He kept pacing around the room, trying to do away with his anger at least like that, but it didn’t seem to help. He heard the door open and close behind his back and threw a hasty look that way. Ashton took couple careful steps closer, but then stopped. He wasn’t in his scrubs already and, obviously, had no idea about what happened in his best friend’s OR.

Calum kept pacing nervously.

“Cal, what happened?” Ashton asked when understood Calum wasn’t going to start talking first.

Calum just shook his head and let out an incoherent groan. Ashton took a deep breath and got ready to wait. He knew Calum well, knew he needed some time to open up and there was no point in pushing. This time it took only couple minutes for Calum to blurt out, “I just keep losing them, Ash. No fucking matter what I do, I still keep losing them.”

Calum stopped his pacing as suddenly as he started talking and looked Ashton in the eye.

“Why the hell does it keep happening?” Calum dropped and froze, his shaking hands the only proof he was a human and not a statue.

Ashton felt cold creep up his spine. Without doubt it was one of the scariest moments of his life, cause for the first time he had no idea what Calum was going to do next. No freaking idea in the world. His eyes were wide open, but the expression in them just as much of a mystery. Ashton took one more step to his friend, ushering “Hey, buddy,” under his voice. But that very moment Calum set in motion again. He exhaled, turned right and with all the desperation he had inside hit his own locker. And then he hit it again. And again. He was hitting it as fast as he could, feeling knuckles burn with pain.

It took Ashton about two seconds to realize what was happening. Two seconds of thinking how it couldn’t be happening, as it couldn’t be Cal, cause Cal could never do anything like that. But there he was right in front of Ashton punching his locker like it was Death himself, and Ashton had to stop him. He rushed to Calum and tried to grab his arms from behind, but succeeded only after the third attempt.

“You’re being an idiot,” he mumbled and pulled Calum away from the lockers, but Cal twitched and managed to move even closer to his improvised punching bag, dragging Ashton with him.

“Bro, stop, you can’t hurt your hands, are you insane?”

But Calum kept trying to fetch away from his hold.

“Dr. Hood,” cold voice rang out in the on-call room, stopping two men wrestling immediately.

Calum froze and Ashton let go of his arms, still keeping an eye on his friend though. They both turned to the door to be met with neonatal department head’s eyes, just as cold as her voice.

“Dr. Campbell,” Ashton greeted the surgeon. Calum stood silent. They both knew what was gonna happen next and good manners weren’t to save him from this.

“As tragic as losing a patient is, Dr. Hood,” she started not raising her voice anymore, “it isn’t a reason to risk your surgeon skills. More than four million infants die in the world every year. You have no right to prevent hundreds of your future patients from getting the help they deserve.”

Aston threw a look at his friend, who didn’t answer anything and was looking somewhere above Dr. Campbell’s head.

The head of department frowned a little at the lack of response, but continued, “I believe you ought to file a report, add all the necessary information to the patient’s chart and talk to the little boy’s parents.”

“With all due respect,” Calum started and for the first time in his life Ashton heard his friend’s voice tremble. It was hardly noticeable, but he knew Calum too well not to hear it. “I’m not sure that I’m the one to do it regarding my state and…”

“He was your patient,” Dr. Campbell interrupted him, “he is your responsibility.”

Calum nodded, his fists squeezed and jaw tensed. Dr. Campbell sighed and went on, “After you finish with those, please, leave the hospital. I don’t want you in my department for the next three days.”

“But I have a shift tomorrow, some surgeries planned!”

“Not anymore,” she shook her head. “And if I see you boxing against lockers ever again, it’ll be not three days off, but an official suspension. Am I being clear here?”

“Yes,” Calum let out through his gritted teeth. He exhaled, like he was preparing for a jump and left the room.

Ashton nodded to Dr. Campbell and took a step forward the exit too, when her voice, much quieter and softer now, stopped him.

“Dr. Irwin, can you do me a favor?”

“Of course,” Ashton looked at the older surgeon, wondering what could she possibly ask from him.

“Look after Calum,” she uttered, looking him straight in the eye.

Ashton huffed, opened his mouth to say something, but changed his mind and just nodded.

“What?” Dr. Campbell asked.

“I’m sorry?” “You obviously wanted to say something, Dr. Irwin. Say it, please.”

Ashton took another minute to consider that offer and went on, “Don’t get me wrong, Dr. Campbell, but don’t you think threatening to suspend him is rather harsh?”

She sighed again and looked at the locker which now had dents from Calum’s fists.

“He is by far the most talented surgeon I’ve seen in all years of my career. But he needs to learn the hardest parts of our job before he understands his own greatness.”

Ashton gaped at her, being totally lost for words. He never worked much with Dr. Campbell, but had heard one too many times from Calum how she never praised anyone and the highest level of her approving was her silence. So hearing her say those things right now was almost life altering.

Dr. Campbell turned her eyes to Ashton, nodded one more time, as if she wanted to confirm she truly said what she said, and left the room. Ashton opened Cal’s locker, fixed the bigger dents and closed it. He couldn’t change what was happening to his friend, but he could help at least with that.

***

Cold drizzle was like a thousand stings on Calum’s face. He was trodding home through the dark and wet streets. Early October brought rains and gloom, but Calum was even glad that the nature was so in harmony with his mood.

He fixed the backpack on his shoulder and lowered his head a little not to let raindrops get in the eyes. Dr. Campbell’s rebukes kept replaying in his head. He was pretty used to her cold criticism, but today he couldn’t just accept it like he always did.

More than four million infants. What was the benefit for those infants from his surgical skills if he still continued losing patients? The image of crying boy’s parents cut him like a knife. He brought them the worst news parents could possibly get, and they still thanked him for everything he’d done. Like he had done enough. What was the fucking point in all his work if he couldn’t stop saying all these “Sorry” and “We’ve done everything we could”? What was the fucking point?

He crossed the road, car horns deafening him for a moment and reminding there still was a whole world around Calum he better start paying attention to. But Calum wasn’t ready to pay attention to anything tonight. He just kept thinking. Thinking about his work, his patients, his weakness. Maybe Luke and Mike were right? Maybe choosing a specialisation with such high risks was a mistake after all? Calum shook his head, narrowly escaping crashing into the group of giddy drunk people. He could still remember with what ideas and hopes he came to neonatal surgery so many years ago. He wanted to save lives, wanted to change those numbers. Believed that he was able to make those more than four million less than four million. How much did it say about his ego. And how little about his quality as a surgeon. Maybe, choosing neonatal surgery was a mistake after all.

His phone started vibrating in his jeans pocket. Calum didn’t want to even check who it was at first. Probably Ashton, checking up on him, ready to provide yet another spiritually deep shit about obstacles we had to go through on our way and how the most right paths were the hardest ones. Calum loved his best friend, hell, he considered Ashton to be his brother, just as close and important for him as Mali. But he was in no mood for these wisdom lessons.

But the call didn’t stop even after the third signal and that made Calum doubt it was Ashton. None of his friends were usually holding the call for so long. He fished his phone out of his pocket and looked at the lit up screen. He saw the photo he took at Aubrie’s party. She was smiling shyly and clinging on Anna’s neck, being so touchingly embarrassed in front of the camera. “Annabelle” was written across the picture in black letters.

Calum stopped and sighed. His finger lingered over the green icon, but didn’t tap. His eyes caught on the time and he frowned. There was no way she was calling him at almost one in the morning just to chat. He waited till the call went to the voicemail and the screen went out, and shoved the phone back in his pocket. Somehow this call only made him feel worse. He knew he should have answered, but he was just not in the shape to save young lost girls tonight. And anyway, if things had been different he would have still been in the OR and wouldn’t have answered her call. So probably it all was for the best.

Calum looked up to the pitch black sky and took a deep breath, feeling sharp drops of rain leave imaginary cuts on his face. He just needed to get home and let this awful day finally end. He fixed his backpack again and kept on walking through the dark and wet streets.

***

Anna switched her phone off, not leaving the message, as she was asked, and looked at her reflection in the mirror. He didn’t pick up. Was he busy? Working? Sleeping? Not alone? All these questions running in her mind. She didn’t even know why she called him in the first place. Did she expect him to come save her? Stop her from doing what she was about to do? She let out a humourless laugh and shook her head. She was not a damsel in distress and he was not a knight in shiny armour. Whatever she was about about to do, she did because she wanted to. Because she needed to. To feel something besides emptiness and pain, anything at all.

Loud bang on the door distracted her from her thoughts. She washed her hands and left the toilet, seeing the line that gathered while she was inside.

She was in the bar. She didn’t have an intention to go here, just found herself in front of the door and decided to spend the evening. She thought about texting Allie and Jo, but dismissed that idea instantly. She wasn’t in a mood to see anybody. She just wanted to forget, at least for the night. So she settled at the bar counter and ordered her first drink. She felt anger rising up inside as the alcohol was starting its way along her veins. For the whole week she kept replaying her mother’s words in her head. And each time she was doing it, she was getting more furious. She tried to keep her emotions in check, try not to show to her mom how really difficult it all was for her, for the sake of Jennifer’s sanity. And what did she get in return? An advice to let it all go? To let the grief crash her? To “go through it”, for the fuck’s sake? She shook her head, downing her first glass. She wasn’t going to do anything like that. She grieved and she moved on. Just like people do. But she wasn’t going to let it crash her. She didn’t want it, didn’t want to spend days drowning in her own tears, like her mom did. If letting go meant going through such excruciating pain, then fusk it. She’d rather feel nothing at all.

She asked for another glass, thinking alcohol would make her sleep better, and was determined to leave after finishing it. But then he came up to her. He was rather tall and pretty fine. Anna knew that in any other circumstance she wouldn’t spare the guy another glance. She didn’t get his name, but was pretty sure he didn’t get her name either, so they were even. He was just chatting her up and for now she was satisfied with it. Just as long as he kept her mind from all the shit she was going through. He paid for another cocktail for her and she kept smiling, even though his attitude was rather arrogant and his jokes much ruder than she preferred. Anna had no idea how much time she spent absentmindedly giggling to whatever crap he was telling, when she suddenly realized, he was standing a little too close. She was breathing his perfume in, too sharp for her liking, mixed with the spirit fumes. His eyes were demanding and his hand was already on the small of her back. Anna was trapped and there was no way of leaving this guy now without making a scene. So she lied she needed to go to the bathroom, and as soon as she was safely hidden behind the door of a single restroom, she dialed the number of the only person who, she believed, could save her from that guy and maybe even from herself.

But her call went on to the voicemail. Calum didn’t pick up. He was busy with work or whatever else he could have been busy with. And it meant Anna couldn’t have been saved. At least not tonight. She looked in the mirror, her eyes too big on her thinner than usual face, mascara dust on her cheeks. And then it stuck her. She didn’t need him to save her. She didn’t need to be saved at all. Her only agenda was not to feel, and there was pretty good chance that dude would help her with that.

She let the bangign girl inside the toilet and came up to the guy who was waiting for her and chatting to the bartender.

“So,” she went straight, “do you think we could leave this place?”

His satisfied grin was almost disgusting, but Anna prohibited herself to think about that. He dropped how he thought she would never asked, and ordered an uber pretty fast. And before Anna had a chance to understand all that she was doing, he was already all over her on the backseat of a taxi. His kisses were rushed and a little too rough, just like his hands on her thighs. But Anna let him get it his way, commiting to these new sensations, tasting them with her mouth and skin, wandering if she could get to enjoy them.

They got to his place pretty fast, and soon he was pushing his hand down her jeans. Anna didn’t let him turn the lights on, so there were only his hands and lips and occasional words in the darkness. He pushed her on the undone bed and pulled down on her jeans. She listened on their breathings and sounds of sloppy kisses and understood she could actually imagine whoever she wanted in his place. Sure as hell this guy was just using her for his pleasure, not really caring about her at all. Even if she had any doubts before, the way he shoved his dick inside her, without even asking if she was ready or checking if she was wet, said it loudly enough. She squeezed her eyes at a rather painful feeling and thanked the alcohol and darkness for at least some arousal. He started moving fast, hitting her hard with his body, his perfume suddenly making her sick. Anna forced her body to relax and faked a moan. Her sounds made him even more active, but she wasn’t opposed that at all, finally getting the feeling she was aiming for. He was fucking her into the mattress, using her body, while she was using him to imagine somebody else in his place and finally forget this somebody really existed somewhere in the world.

***

Calum was lying on his bed and watching strange shadows his bedside lamp was leaving on the ceiling. Duke lied next to him, watching his master with disapproval in his black eyes. Cal felt like his pup’s eyes were about to burn a hole in his head. So he turned to his dog.

“What?” he asked, irritated by the dog’s judgment.

But Duke only snorted and looked away.

Calum rolled his eyes. “Nice,” he huffed, “now you don’t even wanna look at me. And I thought we were friends.”

Duke growled quietly and crawled closer on the bed, pressing his side to Calum’s arm, but still not looking at him.

Calum sighed and scratched his dog’s back. “I love you too, buddy. Sorry I’m a dick today.”

Duke huffed, but didn’t change his position, making Calum think that he probably deserved it.

His phone started buzzing on the bedside table. Calum sighed again and stretched his hand to it, building up in his mind all the insults he was going to send up Ashton’s overprotective ass. But instead of black and white Ashton’s photo, he saw the same picture of Anna and Aubrie. He looked at the clock, short hand so close to showing three in the morning. Why the hell would she call him at three in the morning? Calum frowned, asking himself if he really wanted to know, when felt his dog’s eyes on him again. He looked at Duke and saw even more disapproval in his eye than before.

“Alright, alright,” he huffed, sitting up and answering the call. “Hello?”

He didn’t hear her voice. Truth to be told, he didn’t hear anything at all at first. He even thought she dialed his number by accident, having her phone in the bag or the pocket. But when things like that happened, you could usually hear something, like sounds of the streets around, or voices of people talking. And now he couldn’t hear anything. Until he heard her sniff.

“Anna?” he tried again. But again he got no answer. “Anna, what happened?”

Her sniffs grew into full crying. Calum could swear he heard the sound of the tears streaming down her cheeks in the silence surrounding them both.

He stood up abruptly, looking for his sneakers on the floor, Duke fast on his little paws and whining quietly. “Anna, can you just tell me where you are? What happened to you?”

It took her another minute to get herself to answering. By that time Calum was already leaving his place.

“Can you, please, come?” her voice was feeble to the point of being hardly audible, but it was enough for Calum. He made her repeat her address twice to memorize it, while he was running down the staircase, and thanked that sleepless city for the opportunity to catch a taxi at literally any time.

Her door was open. Calum didn’t know was it because she was waiting for him or because she was so neglectful to her own safety. But as he saw her tears-stained face he didn’t have a heart to scold her for that. Whatever was what brought her in that state, she scolded herself enough without his help.

She was sitting on her little couch, her eyes wide open and full of fear. Calum looked around and locked the door behind him. He came up to her, sat down and pulled her to his chest.

“It��s okay,” he whispered, feeling her tears start running again. He didn’t ask anymore questions, knowing better than this. Just let her cling on him and let it all out. But she didn’t cry for long. It’s like she had a limited amount of tears now and she couldn’t cry more than that. So she soon stopped, only reflex sobbing shaking her tiny frame every now and then, but kept holding on Calum.

He waited a little longer and decided to ask again, “What happened to you, Anna?”

Calum felt her shaking her head awkwardly against his chest. And then she finally answered, her voice muffled, “It’s not what happened to me. It’s what I’ve done with my own hands.”

“And what is it?” he asked, stroking her back soothingly.

Anna shook her head again, but then froze under his touch and breathed out, “I’ve just slept with a guy.”

She felt his hands stiffen for a moment, but only a moment. Whatever reaction he had, he was damn good in hiding it. Calum took a breath and asked, “So?”

She pulled away from him and sat straight, her red from crying eyes looking in his tired brown.

“I don’t even remember his name.”

“So?” he repeated with a huff. Calum did feel a sting of something too similar to jealousy, but hoped he didn’t let it show. After all, he had no right to feel anything like that.

“And I have a boyfriend, Calum!” Anna went on, hysterical notes back in her voice. “I have a boyfriend, who loves me, but I just went to a bar and slept with a random guy!”

“Hey,” Calum tried to stop her, but it was too late, tears filling up her eyes again. She started talking and couldn’t stop herself now.

“I just wanted to forget, Calum. Do I ask for too much? Just to forget, at least for half an hour. I just needed it and I went to that bar and he was there. And I didn’t even like him, but he was there and you didn’t answer my call, so I let him take me home. And-” she stopped, lost for air and words. “The fuck did I do, Calum?” she whispered, choking on her tears. “What the fuck am I doing? What should I even do? I just can’t anymore, it’s so difficult. Why no one tells you it’s so difficult?”

Anna started shaking with her whole body. Calum had set in motion before his mind fully acknowledged what was happening to her. He didn’t see it quite often even though he was a doctor, but he did know the symptoms of a panic attack well enough. He pulled from Anna for a moment and lifted his right leg on the couch. Then he took her by her sides and sat her right on his lap, put his arms around, squeezing her in the bear hug, letting his biceps almost crash her ribs and shoulders.

“Calum, I can’t breathe,” Anna managed to say.

He didn’t even try to reply. He felt her shaking stop instantly and her tears calming down and that was enough for him. Couple minutes later he opened his arms, letting her take a breath with her whole chest and looked her in the face. She looked back with a mix of surprise and confusion on her face. She was on a verge of hysteria only couple minutes before and now she felt completely calm.

“Feel better now?” Calum asked.

“Is it some kind of a doctor's trick?” she answered with a question, making him smile softly.

“Yeah, it actually is.” Calum moved away from her again, took her hands and pulled her up. “Come on.”

It took only two steps towards the bedroom for her to start arguing. “I don’t wanna sleep,” she started shaking her head, pulling on Calum’s arms to stop him. “I don’t wanna close my eyes. Each time I do, I see-” she broke, unable to finish. But she didn’t need to, he knew what she was scared to pronounce.

Still he huffed and pulled her further. “You need rest,” Calum stated. “You’re still slightly drunk and you’re tired and stressed. Your mind needs rest. Bed, now. Doctor’s order.”

But Anna kept pushing back, squeezing his hands and looking at him with a plea in her eyes.

“I don’t wanna stay alone,” she finally admitted.

Calum sighed, “Who says anything about staying alone?” he reassured her softly, pulling her closer and rubbing her arms. “Go lie down. I’ll turn the lights off and come.”

She spared him long lingering look, but did as he told and disappeared behind the bedroom door. Calum sighed heavily, stroke his neck and asked what kind of joke of the Universe brought this mess of a girl into his life. Was it his karma for not saving her brother? Or was her brother’s condition only to bring them two together?

He checked the lock on the door and switched off the lamp. He had no trouble with moving around her apartment, everything so tiny here, he needed literally three steps to cross the living room. Anna was already in bed, covers up to her chin, her eyes straight on him. He could feel them even in the shadow of the room, the only source of light was a street lamp far below her window. He took his shoes off and lay down on the covers. He rolled on his side to face her and met her demanding eyes. Anna pulled her hand out from under the covers and took his hand. They were just lying like that, face to face, holding hands and not saying anything. Soon she started blinking less, her eyelids getting heavier. She couldn’t keep her eyes open any longer and let tiredness pull her down into the depths of sleep. Calum exhaled, letting his body and mind relax, and slowly drifted away too.

***

Waking up was sudden, like coming up from underwater. Calum didn’t get what was it that woke him up, a noise or a feeling. He just opened his eyes, like from blinking, and realised he wasn’t sleeping anymore.

He was alone on the bed. Anna’s careful steps were heard from behind the door. He stretched his body and rolled on the back, looking around bright, but extremely small room. A bed with a forged headboard, some ribbons hanging from it alongside with a small dreamcatcher, a little dressing table and a door to what he assumed was a built-in wardrobe. There were half a dozen little photos attached to the mirror frame. And tens of different pictures were looking at Calum from the walls. Black and white pencil sketches, aquarells of a seaside and stormy skies, big sized photos of Annabelle with her parents and friends, portraits of random people and even couple of oil paintings. They all were forming the main decor of the room, being the most noticeable part in it. Calum felt uncomfortable, like he was prying into the part of Anna’s soul without getting a proper permission. But still couldn’t stop staring at them. She was so damn talented, it took his breath away.

Sounds of the coffee maker brought him back to reality. Calum yawned, glanced at her digital clock and got up. She was in the kitchen, next to the open cupboard, trying to get a cup without producing any noise. She was wrapped up in a soft bathrobe and looked extremely cozy with a messy bun on her head.

“Good morning,” Calum said, his voice raspy from the sleep.

She jumped and turned around, pressing the cup to her chest.

“Hey,” she mumbled. “Did I wake you up?”

Calum shook his head, coming up to the kitchen island and sitting down. Anna put the cup in front of him and reached out for another one. While they were waiting for coffee, Calum looked around the apartment, everything so familiar, yet so different in the morning lights. Anna kept staring at Calum. No one said a word.

When the coffee was ready, she filled their cups. Calum nodded in appreciation, but still didn’t say anything. The uncomfortable feeling he got while looking at her pictures stayed with him even after he left her bedroom. He felt guilty not only for this, but also for yesterday. Was he to blame for what she did? If he had answered his phone when she called for the first time, would it change everything?

“I’m sorry,” she blurted out all of the sudden.

“I told you, you didn’t wake me,” Calum shook his head again, though not daring to look at her.

“No, for yesterday. I’m sorry I called you and for the scene you had to see.”

Calum inhaled sharply. “You don’t have to. I understand,” he said. “I truly do, even sleeping with a random guy part.”

Anna couldn’t fight the shivers. His voice was so calm, almost cold.

“Do you despise me now?” she asked in whisper, terrified of what she might hear.

“Would I stay if I despised you?”

“That’s not the answer.”

And then he looked up at her. She was ready to many things, besides not being able to see anything at all in his eyes.

“It is,” said Calum firmly, “just not the one you were hoping for.”

His eyes were heavy on her face. Anna had no idea what was about to happen next. And when she understood she wouldn’t ever find out, because his phone started vibrating and distracted him from her, she felt nothing but relief.

“Hey, Ash,” Calum answered his phone, not looking at Anna anymore, and lifted his cup to take a sip of coffee.

Anna’s blood froze in her veins when she saw his hands, all knuckles were in bruises and cuts and blood stains. She looked back at his face, trying to imagine what could possibly have happened to him.

Calum wasn’t looking at her and missed the change in her mood, his full attention on the person he was listening to. He spent another minute just listening, when finally put the cup down and answered, slight irritation in his voice, “Listen, don’t get me wrong, I appreciate the care, but you don’t have to check up on me, bro. I’m alright.”

He had to listen for something his friend answered before going with “Yeah, hands are fine too, Ash.”

He finally looked at Anna, being all ears and shamelessly trying to make out what his friend was saying on the other side of the line.

“Listen, I’ll call you later and we’ll discuss it, alright? Have to go now.”

Calum hang up abruptly and met Anna’s half-curious, half-distressed eyes.

“Why does your friend checks up on you?” her question was straightforward to the point of being rude, but she couldn’t care less.

“Because he’s worried.”

“And why is he worried?” Anna pushed further.

“Because I lost a patient yesterday,” Calum answered simply.

“I’m sorry,” Anna mumbled, hiding her eyes in her coffee cup, wondering if his injured knuckles were marks of his emotions. But she could hardly imagine it. Calum she knew would never do anything like that, he was just incapable of such rage. She thought if that was one of the reasons she felt such attraction to him. She was absolutely positive whatever was happening inside his head, he would never overstep the line.

Calum winced, “It’s fine.”

And those two short words burnt her harder than anything before. It was someone’s baby, but for him it was fine?

“How can it possibly be fine?” she asked before she could stop herself. She had never got that angry so fast, but now she just couldn’t control herself.

What she hadn’t taken in consideration was that he was also angry. His emotions were still boiling since last night, and her scolding him for his hard-hearted attitude didn’t add to his pleasure.

“I am a surgeon, Anna,” he dropped, “and it’s a part of my work. Sometimes we lose patients. I knew the numbers when I came to surgery.”

“So that’s what they are to you?” she threw back at him. “Numbers? And my brother was also just a number?”

Anna knew she was overstepping. But she hated him that moment almost as much as she hated herself.

Calum didn’t answer anything. He just looked at her, hands holding on the back of his head. Anna couldn’t quite understand what was so different in his look right now, but could feel the change with her skin. He exhaled, stood up, picked up his jacket and, just as silently, left her flat. And Anna stayed to listen to the regret ringing in the air around her.

***

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