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#Anne’s bout to get her shit wrecked
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So The Amazing Digital Circus has latched onto my brain like a particularly stubborn tick so now I gotta share a theory of mine from the Pilot.
Considering it's all, indeed, digital and the mental health of its occupants ties to their stability, I bet their avatars are near direct reflections of themselves and their issues/flaws, albeit with a filter to fit the Fun, Child Friendly Aesthetic of the Circus.
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Pomni is a classic rendition of a Jester. A Court Fool. Her eyes are incredibly expressive and even change to scribbles, hollow circles, or pure black depending on her mental state.
She likely views her life as a joke, or views herself as the punchline of a joke. She's a Fool. Whether this is due to perceived incompetence, an inability to "grow up", or simply considers herself to be lesser than her peers.
I do however use the above picture on purpose. She's an absolute nervous wreck 99% of the time, but stops while being chased by a monster and is stunned by her own reflection. That isn't a look of fear or confusion, it's awe. Something about her avatar struck a cord with her and seemed right. I personally subscribe to the theory of her being transgender and experiencing a small bout of gender euphoria amidst the horrors thanks to a post made by one demilypyro.
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Jax is a Cartoon Rabbit. Not really terribly much to say about the design itself other than it being very rubber-hose animation in its proportions and the seeming default smug expression.
Jax is an asshole. He plays pranks in bad faith, is incredibly snarky and dry even to someone in distress, and doesn't seem to overly care about the others well being.
"I'm fine with doing whatever, as long as I get to see funny things happen to people." It makes sense his avatar would take a similar look to another wise-cracking cartoon rabbit we all know. He also seems the most content to actually be in the Circus itself. Considering it can let him do all manner of things to others, from the lethal to the physically impossible, he might consider it better than reality.
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Ragatha is literally just raggedy ann. A patchwork doll.
She seems to be the most outwardly kind of the individuals in the circus, showing patience and understanding with Pomni even when in distress, though she clearly has a limit to said patience.
I think it's safe to assume Ragatha has been through a lot of shit for her avatar to make her seem patchwork. Which is to say, damaged multiple times and repaired each time, leaving clear marks of the repairs like scars.
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Zooble is a mess of individual parts slammed together in an approximation of a humanoid shape. Like someone took dozens of pieces from all sorts of toys and put them together into an amalgam.
Gooseworx has stated they have no idea what they're even suppose to be. This can and likely does include gender, but probably includes their entire identity as a whole. Or rather, their lack of one.
For whatever reason, be it alienation, isolation, or any number of potential causes; Zooble doesn't know who they are or what they want to be. No ambitions, no dreams, no real self identity. This makes their avatar manifest as a mess that also doesn't know what it wants to be, so is a little bit of everything.
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Gangle is most insubstantial, their body almost entirely a ribbon. The key part of their avatar is the mask: Comedy and Tragedy. And it seems in the few instances it's not broken, they always try to wear the comedy mask over top the tragedy mask.
Gangle's behavior makes me think she's the youngest of the individuals, at least mentally. As for the masks, something about her circumstances in life made her feel the need to put on a facade of joy. Maybe to live up to expectations, or to hide her true feelings to avoid worrying others. As an avatar, this seems to have become literal: She seems to only be happy with the mask on and discontent at best with it off/broken.
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Kinger is a White King Chess Piece.
He's a forgetful paranoiac who, according to the characters, has been present in the Circus for the longest amount of time. He seems to forget where people are and what he's doing quite a bit.
In a moment of lucidity near the end, he goes in depth about how the food they eat is just simulated, and how they provide the sensation of eating despite not being real. It's also worth mentioning the ground floor of the circus is a Chess Board.
I believe Kinger is/was at least partially in charge of creating the Circus. His avatar is a walking symbol of authority, a reflection on his standing within the digital space rather than his current mental state. Perhaps the avatar was more fitting when he first entered the Circus, aware of its intricacies and rules, but has long since forgotten such things.
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We don't see Kaufmo while he's uh. Normal. But we do see pictures of what he did look like: A Clown.
From the dialogue of other characters like Ragatha and Gangle, he seemed to actually try and play the role of clown during his time in the Circus, even if he wasn't terribly funny.
Kaufmo likely found himself to be a clown in reality. Maybe he was a clown in the literal sense. Or maybe he just saw himself as a funny, quirky guy to be around even if he was none of those things.
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Finally, we have what happens when someone goes completely plum insane.
The Avatars are based on mental scans of the individual made to fit the aesthetic of the circus. an Abstraction is what happens when said software tries to read a mind that has no logic or reasoning left. There's nothing to find, no basis of personality, no base to work with. So in confusion the avatar becomes a glitched mess, trying and failing to find a shape within the madness to settle into.
Kinger seems to be insane, yet they're stable, because there is still an individual underneath the neurosis. There's nothing left of Kaufmo at this point: Just a cyclone of emotions inside a broken human mind.
That's the theory, anyway. It's a fucking pilot I could be entirely wrong.
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toasty-owl-arts · 3 years
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C a r d b o a r d T u b e
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sailorvinusmoved · 4 years
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You seem like you've been to every event that wasn't on camera but should have been. (Jimothy and Harold are STARS in their own bad soap opera.) What's been your favorite incident at a party or event that totally wasn't supposed to happen?
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❝I want to preface this story by saying that I love clowns. I wanted to work with them as a childhood-when-I-grow-up dream. Also, I have no hard feelings against most Juggalos.❞ Well... That's one way to kick this thing off. ❝I know this lady that frequents the same art circles as I do, her name is Beth Ann. She threw a party and it was interesting. I went 'cause I figured why the fuck not. Beth's chill. Like, we vibe. We get there, it's cool. In her backyard. I'd guess 'bout forty people there. Beth said she hired entertainment! Clowns. I was like, sweet, I love clowns. The clowns showed up and they were grimy looking... Smelly, one of them had dreads. Like, white dude dreads. They did some tricks. They were awful. All of a sudden, a bunch more of them come in and they start wrecking shit? Our gathering had been infiltrated by a bunch of Juggalos. A set-up. A scheme, a scam!❞
Oh, he could smell the memory. Like a sewer filled with Faygo. Almost shivered at it! 
❝These fucking Juggalos invaded our shit. They brought in a bunch of pigs, too. the pigs started digging up Beth Ann's flowers, her African violets. She proceeded to faint, she was that devastated. The Juggalos were everywhere! Eating our food and shouting WHOOP WHOOP while also drinking every ounce of alcohol. These Juggalos were masquerading as innocent party clowns just to invade parties. I was holed up in a shed with a couple of friends, about to cry. God, those people didn't bathe. They started having a Wet Juggalo T-Shirt Contest™ and making out. Clown paint everywhere! Smudging! I saw someone snort a crushed up moth ball through a straw.❞ Truly, the mustiest encounter he’s ever had. No doubt about it.
What else was there? So much happened, it was hard to recall everything. ❝When I left the shed, I was grabbed up by a guy named Joka Tha Smoka. He said I was pretty and wanted to take me to a Kid Rock concert... There were cops. There was a standoff. Everyone was screaming. I’m standing there in pants so tight I could taste the leather. Beth Ann went to therapy over her flowers being uprooted when it was all over. I won’t say it’s my favorite, but I was too numb from all the weed I smoked before arriving so at least I was unable to react much.❞ 
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topfics · 6 years
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I’m Not The Only One
Harry Styles X Reader
A/N: okay so this is the next part to Too Good At Goodbyes. I wanted to keep the theme of Sam Smith songs, and I think that this song was the best one to make as the sequel. It may or may not follow the whole song to a tee seeing as I’m of course following the story I’ve made, but I hope you guys enjoy. There’s also hints of From the Dining Table by Harry himself, just because I think it fits in really well with the story. Let me know if I should make a part 3!!!!
part one here!
Warnings: angst, mention of sex, breakup
“Love, what do you mean we don’t stand a chance? Of course we do!” Harry stutters out. Tears begin to well in his eyes, finding his hands reaching for Y/N. She instinctively backs away, shaking her head.
“No, I don’t think we do, Harry. It’s sad but it’s true, right?” she begins to wail. “It fucking hurts Harry. You’ve really let me down. I let myself down for thinking that this relationship was going to last. I’ve denied every tear, every pain in my chest… and… and for what? For you to leave me again? Harry, we live in completely different worlds and I don’t know… maybe we’re on different paths right now. And I think what we need is to be away from each other.” she sniffles. She wipes her eyes one more time before standing up. 
“Baby, please, can we please just talk ‘bout this?” he pleads. “We can make this work, promise.” he sits up and reaches for her once more, only to be denied a simple touch.
She winces when he calls her baby, knowing damn well that she wasn’t the only one he calls that. It was always in his personality to be extremely charismatic and flirtatious. He was a charming man, no one could resist it.
“Please, don’t call me baby. I know I’m not the only one. I just… need a break. From you, from us. I… I can’t take it anymore.” she stammers. “I’m going upstairs, I’m going to pack my things, and leave. When I’m ready, we can talk if you still love me, or want me. I’ve loved you for so long… for so many years. But maybe I’m not enough.” she laughs a little to herself throwing her arms up in the air, just like whenever someone feels ridiculous for crying or saying something.
Harry shuts his eyes but nods, letting her turn her back and walk away. Maybe she was right, maybe they did need a break. He leans back into the couch, the life leaving his body. He could hear her softly sobbing upstairs, struggling to breathe. All he wanted to do was to go up there and hold her, but Harry knew better than to go up there while their relationship was on the brink of extinction. Did she really think that he would move on that quickly? That he would ever love anyone the way he loves her?
He snaps out of his trance when she comes down with her suitcase full of her things, dragging it to the door. Harry could feel his heart shatter when he saw her swollen eyes and pale face. He hated himself for doing this to her, though a part of him felt like he did nothing wrong. What the hell was his problem? He loved Y/N more than anything in this world, so why wasn’t he fighting harder for her?
Y/N grabs her keychain and takes the house key off, dropping it on the counter. She looks around the house one more time before walking to the door.
She briefly turns to Harry and gives him a sad smile.
“Bye, Harry.” she states before walking out the door, and perhaps out of his life forever.
Harry and Y/N weren’t married. They talked about it a lot, but the timing was always a little off. Between working things out with school and touring, their lives were hectic. That being said, they made vows to each other to always love each other, to stick things out for better or for worse. And he broke those vows when he began to go about his drunken ways. Harry came way too close to cheating on Y/N. Too many times to count. When she left, Harry was left empty. He didn’t know what to do with himself. He often found it easy to seek out prey, especially ones that looked just like Y/N. He would bring them back to what used to be their shared house, and he would fuck them like it was the end of the world. It was never the same love-making that he would have with Y/N, but it would have to do for now. He knew it was wrong, in every part of his being. But he didn’t know how to fill that empty void in his heart. 
The minute he was finished, he would kick them out as fast as he reeled them in. He would always come close to saying her name, but stopped himself before he could. Harry was pathetic. He would wake up and play with himself, wondering where Y/N was, if she was thinking of him. He would get drunk by noon, and this process would repeat again and again.
They haven’t spoke since she left. He wondered how she was doing, he wanted to know if she was doing better, or if she was crying. Harry would give anything just to hold her once more.
Y/N eventually found a roommate and found a small apartment close to the university. She wasn’t the same. She wasn’t happy, she didn’t feel like that loving girl she used to be. Sure, she knew that she would eventually learn to breathe on her own, but at the moment it seemed impossible. How did this happen? Why didn’t he fight harder for her to stay? How could years of love just go down the drain like that? Y/N lay in bed, curled in a ball. She shut her eyes and cried silently to herself, hoping that this pain that seemed never-ending would just go away.
She snaps out of her trance when her phone begins to buzz. Y/N wipes her eyes and grabs it, seeing texts from her best friend.
“Y/N, you better not fucking go back to this man-whore. I know this is not what you want to hear, but he’s been sleeping around ever since you left. He isn’t worth it, never was. Please, delete his number. Delete all of your photos of the two of you together. It’s gonna make things so much easier.”
Y/N shakes as she reads the text. He really could just move on like that, huh? She grabs her pillow and screams into it, throwing her phone at the wall. She pulls her knees into her chest, running her hands through her hair, rocking back and forth. She was wailing, calling for help. She hoped someone would her pleas, but no one did. She sobs for hours and hours until she becomes numb. Y/N no longer felt any pain, didn’t feel cold anymore. She was just existing. Who knew that this would hurt so much? Anything would feel better than the emotional trauma she was feeling right now. Not only did she lose her lover, but she lost her best friend too. That’s what hurt the most.
Y/N glances over at her phone when it buzzes, her eyes glazed over. She reaches for it slowly, answering when she sees that it’s Niall.
“Hello? Y/N? You alright?” Niall inquires when he doesn’t hear her voice when she picked up.
“Fine, Niall.” Y/N replied with a raspy voice. He could tell that she’s been crying and yelling. He knew that she wasn’t okay. Two of his best friends could not be in worse shape than they were. Sure, both of them handled the breakup differently, but how the hell was he supposed to mend this broken heart? Niall didn’t blame her for leaving, Harry was an asshole, and continues to be so to this day. Niall hated Harry for what he did to Y/N, seeing as she was like his little sister. He wanted to beat the shit out of him so he would come to his senses. He knew that they still needed each other despite everything that’s been happening. Harry was a hot mess. He was sleeping around endlessly, drinking too much for his own good, and he wasn’t that same grounded popstar he once was when Y/N was around. On the other side of the spectrum, Y/N was an emotional wreck. She deleted all of her photos off her social media, ignored phone calls from her friends and from Anne and Gemma. Occasionally she would tweet that she was alright, but everyone knew that she wasn’t. She was kind enough to tell people to not go attacking Harry, but they all knew what happened, and they knew he was in the wrong.
“Can I come and get ya? Want to take you out for some fresh air. Might do ya some good, lad.”
“Sure. I’d… really like that.” she croaks.
“Great. Be there ‘n 15.”
After she hangs up, she picks herself up off the ground, attempting to clean herself up slightly. She washes her face and changes into something a bit nicer, putting on minimal makeup to help mask her dark circles under her eyes. She looks in the mirror and frowns at the broken girl she sees.
 “Get yourself together, Y/N!” she thinks to herself. “Get over it, the two of you aren’t together anymore, he can do whatever the hell he wants. It isn’t my problem. If he wants to fuck random girls, let him. Stop caring. If he remotely cared for you he would’ve fought for you.” she reminds herself. “I am strong. I am beautiful, and I don’t need him.”
She walks out to the front of her apartment complex, getting into Niall’s car when he pulls up. Niall looks at her with sad eyes and squeezes her hand with reassurance. Y/N smiles slightly at her brotherly figure, holding his hand the entire car ride to her favorite coffee shop.
Niall opens her car door and simply hugs her when she steps outside, knowing damn well that she was about to break any second. It wasn’t easy for Y/N to see one of Harry’s former bandmates, let alone knowing that he would be seeing Harry soon as he was about to start his debut tour.
Y/N holds onto Niall’s shirt tightly, hiding her head in his chest. She cries lightly into his soft shirt, letting his warmth comfort her. After a couple of minutes, she stops and wipes her eyes.
“You good?” he asks quietly. “We can stay out ‘ere a lil’ longer if ya like.”
She nods her head and begins walking inside the coffee shop. Niall follows suit, making sure that no paparazzi were following suit. He kindly asks the manager to shut all the blinds, to which she happily obliges. She knew what it was like to feel so broken, and not having the space to weep because family and friends were so concerned.
Niall thanks her sweetly, making his way back to his heartbroken friend.
“I think we should talk about it.” Niall states gently.
Y/N looks up slowly from her hands, nodding her head slowly in agreement. In her head, she knew it was better to talk about what happened rather than keeping it all inside. It was a bad idea to not ever let anyone know what was going on through her mind. For a long time, she wasn’t ready to talk, but it had been a couple of weeks and she was slowly dying on inside because it kept eating at her conscious. She always wondered if she was wrong to leave, or if she was justified at all. Was she crazy for still wanting him? For still needing him in her life?
“I just… I don’t know. I feel like I’m going crazy.” she begins. “I love him, I really really do. I hate him for what he’s been doing, but I could never hate him. Is it wrong that I still need him in my life? Even if we aren’t together? He’s still my best friend, and losing that friendship was harder than breaking up with him.” Y/N begins to play with her rings, not making eye contact with Niall. She didn’t want him to see how dull her eyes became.
“I don’t think yer crazy. Not at all. You know I love the both of ya. Which is why it hurts me that you both are in this situation. If I’m bein’ honest, I think he needs you just as much as you need him. Ya know… he lost his best friend too. You were right to leave. Yer mental health is more important than anythin’. He should’ve never even thought that cheatin’ coulda been a possibilty. I hate ‘im for doin’ this to ya. Probably gonna talk to him when I see him next.” Niall claims before taking a sip of his tea. “It ain’t right. The two of ya need to talk. Make up. You need each other. Don’t ‘ave to be a genius to know that.”
Y/N frowns and looks up at the brunette man sitting in front of her, dreading the fact that he was right. Perhaps they weren’t meant to be a couple, but losing their friendship was something that the both of them feared immensely. And that’s what’s happening. She never wanted to lose Harry in that aspect. He always knew when something was wrong; it was like he had a sixth sense for her. If she was ever in trouble, he was there. If someone hurt her and she was crying, he was there holding her until she felt okay again. Y/N was a strong woman, but she feels things so greatly, it causes her to become fragile. Most times she was too strong and she would break down all at once, because she felt as though she wasn’t supposed to for other people. She felt obligated to be the strong one no matter what. 
“I know… you’re right. I just… don’t know if I can do it. He didn’t even fight, Niall. He just… let me walk. Was I wrong…? Should I have stayed and tried to make it work? Is this all my fault?” Y/N’s eyes began to water once more, her hands beginning to tremble slightly.
“No, love. Don’t think any of this is yer fault. Maybe Harry jus’ needs time to think, to get his shit together. You fought hard to make it work. Harry was the one who fucked up. Ya did nothin’ wrong. Don’t ever blame yerself.” he reaches over and takes her hands in his larger ones, giving them a tight squeeze. “Give it a couple more days, then give ‘im a call. It’ll do ya good.”
Y/N nods her head, finally touching her drink. The two sit in silence for awhile, not saying a word. He simply let her think about what she was going to do. After they were finished with their drinks, he took her back to the hotel he was staying at, knowing she didn’t want to be alone in her apartment.
“Make yerself at home.” Niall coos. He rubs Y/N’s back and walks to the kitchen, grabbing a cup of ice cold water for her to sip on. He grabs the telly remote and turns it on, flipping through the channel until he finds a comedy movie, hoping that it would at least get a chuckle out of her. He glances over at her and frowns. Sure, she’s watching, but no emotion is being expressed. He knew this was one of her favorites, and it had no effect whatsoever.
Niall sighs and wraps an arm around her, Y/N’s head easily falling onto his shoulder. Tears fall from her eyes, but no sounds come from her mouth. He rubs her back until she falls asleep, carrying her to his bed. He lays her down gently and tucks her in, kissing the top of her head.
“Everything’s gonna be alright, lad.” he whispers before walking out to sleep on the couch.
Harry grumbles when his phone buzzes for what seemed like the hundredth time. He opens one eye and reaches for it, falling over due to the hangover that resulted from last night’s drinking.
“ ‘ello?” he slurs, his voice raspy from just waking up.
 “Hey, mate. It’s me, Niall. Still meetin’ up today fo’ some lunch?” he inquires.
 “Right, yeah. Meet you in 15?” 
“Sure, lad. See ya soon.”
Harry groans and rolls out of bed, gripping his head as the light hits his emerald eyes. He makes his way to the bathroom, quickly showering and getting dressed. Harry looks at his rings, putting them all on, tracing his thumb over the rose ring Y/N bought him. He sighs and rubs his eyes, making his way to his rental car.
Niall sits and waits for his former bandmate to show up, checking his phone to make sure Y/N hadn’t messaged him. Y/N was back in her hometown for uni, while Niall travelled to see Harry on his first show of his tour. When he first heard the news about the two of them splitting, he immediately flew to see Y/N to ensure she was alright.
Niall sits up when he sees Harry walking in, getting up from his seat to give him a hug. Harry returns it tightly, taking a seat across from his friend.
“How are you, mate?” Harry asks groggily, still not fully awake.
“Fine. I think the question is… how are you?” he questions. “Because if ‘m bein’ honest, ya look like shit.”
“Feel like it too.” Harry chuckles. “Honestly… ‘ve been better.” he simply states, thanking the waitress when he brings him a cup of coffee.
“Can tell.” Niall laughs. “Y/N’s been pretty shitty as well. Probably more than you.”
“You’ve seen her?” Harry asks, a glimmer of hope in his eyes when he mentions her name.
“ ‘f course I have, lad. You broke her. Had to make sure my lil’ sister was okay. Pretty pissed at you. What the fuck were you thinking?” Niall growled.
“Look, mate… if I knew I would tell you. All I know is that I fucked up. When she left, I didn’t know what to do. Had a hole I needed to fill. So I did what I thought would help.”
“Which was what? Sleepin’ ‘round with women that look like Y/N?” he softly yelled.
Harry glared at his friend, rolling his eyes.
“I don’t need a lecture from you. Gem and my mum already did enough of that.”
Niall held his hands up but didn’t relent.
“Fine, won’t lecture ya. But I am gonna tell ya how damn bloody stupid ya are. Jesus, Harry! This is years and years of a relationship building that just went down the shithole! Yer better than this. Ya need to fix it. The both of ya. It’s killin’ me to see you both this way. 
Harry looks down in defeat, nodding his head.
“Yeah, I know. Gotta fix it soon, don’t I?”
Y/N stumbles around her apartment, her roommate out with her boyfriend. She definitely had a little too much to drink. She grabbed her phone and began to play some music, scoffing when a song of Harry’s came on. She glared at her phone and skipped it angrily, taking another big swig of her beer. She bumps her hip into the corner of her desk, a photo falling down. Y/N groans and bends down, picking up the fallen frame. When she turns around, she is greeted by a photo of her and Harry together, a beanie covering his head, his eyes closed with a big smile on his face. She had one hand caressing his right cheek, her lips kissing his other. Tears well in her eyes as she stares at the photo, reminiscing of times when it was simple and happy. She hated being away from Harry. But she needed to know why he didn’t fight. Was she really not worth it? Did he not care anymore?
She stands back up on her feet, stumbling once more. Y/N downs her beer and goes to the fridge to grab another one, opening it up. Once again, she takes a giant gulp of beer and sets it down. Reaching for her phone, she pulls up Harry’s contact info. She had meant to delete it, but couldn’t bring herself to do so. Night after night, she would stare at the delete button, contemplating whether or not she really should do it. If she did, that would be it. It would really be over between the two of them.
Y/N bites her bottom lip and hits the call button, instantly regretting the drunken phonecall. Her heart plummets when it begins to dial. It only took one ring before Harry answers. Both ends of the phone were silent, except for Y/N’s soft cries.
“Why didn’t you fight for me?”
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