#Answer: I'm not coping. At all.

[shera-dnd]

Claire: Commoner, why are you always acting like this?

Rae: Oh you know, heh heh, villainous pussy got me acting unwise

Claire: ...

Claire: Never say anything like that to me ever again

#I'm in love with the villainess #rae taylor #claire françois #we all know the real answer is “because humor is my only coping mechanism”

[not-poignant]

Jesus H Christopher, Pia. Your writing load is insane.

Maybe you should cut back on how many chapters you release for certain stories? Like Stain and Palma (since these stories dont equal income) until UtB the other Underline stories are almost done. Just a thought

Because I feel burnt out just by thinking of writing that much, so I can only imagine how you feel. Please take care of yourself

Hi anon,

TL;DR: My brain is stupid, which is why I can't do this, even though it makes sense and is logical.

Unfortunately the fanfiction is what often makes the original fiction possible, or more enjoyable.

If I lock myself down into too much schedule and rigidity, or if I only focus on writing for money, I actually start to hate writing, even if I love the stories. There is nothing like 'will this earn money, do people like this, would people pay, what if they all decide to stop paying for this, why would they pay for this, would I pay for this, how much would people pay for this, is there any incentive for them to pay for this, actually if I wrote a ton of different tropes maybe I'd make more for this, but that's depressing, but I need the money, shit what do I do, what if I lose my income, what if it all stops tomorrow, I need to write more, I need to write more, I need to write more' that is actually very exhausting and makes writing not much fun at all.

And to deliberately break out of that headspace as much as possible, I write fanfiction. Because that headspace (the one I wrote about above), on its own, even if I'm only writing two stories, can and has led to burnout and depressive episodes. I don't recommend it.

In a way, one of the reasons I can write so many stories right now (ADHD meds aside) is that I am letting myself break out and just have fun with fanfiction, and remember that my original writing is meant to be fun too. But without fanfiction, I lose sight of that very quickly.

Fanfiction means that when an original story chapter does super badly, generally there are still excited comments elsewhere that keep me going. That's how I survived The Ice Plague, and that story would never have been completed without fanfiction, because that was my worst performer of any story I've ever written. It also means if a lot of subscribers leave at once, I don't feel like The Worst Writer In The World. So having fanfiction behind me was like...a literal safety net or my security blanket.

If I have to discard my security blankets or use them less often in order to keep writing the original stuff, I might as well just stop entirely, because my longest hiatuses from Patreon (i.e. one lasted 1.5 years, many have lasted 4-6 months) have been when I'm mostly just writing original fiction, and am not writing much fanfiction, or not deliberately finding time for it, and finally get so stressed out re: money I literally have to stop. I'm on a (partial) Disability Pension.

A long time ago some professional people told me I probably shouldn't be working at all because of my mental illnesses and then paid me money because of the severity of those mental illnesses. My dumbass brain be pretty fragile, actually, and keeps chugging away because I make bad business decisions and write stuff I enjoy instead of writing to market, or doing rapid release, or releasing more novels (or novels). Writing does ironically help when I'm stressed, but not when I'm stressed about making money because of writing.

I will cut at my income before I cut at my love of this job, and unfortunately fanfiction keeps me going in this job, which means I can't really cut at that first.

(Also from a business perspective, it's actually a very good funnel to the original stuff and then subscription. Most of you wouldn't be here if you hadn't read one of my fanfics first and then gave the original stuff a try - I try not to think about that too much because I need fanfic to not be about money, but the fact is, I would not have this career without fanfic).

I do have plans to take two weeks off in January from posting chapters (I can still post rewards in the second half of January) and that's not too far away.

And the reality is that I probably would have kept going okay if real life hadn't imploded on top of everything like the world's worst bukkake party.

#asks and answers #personal #pia on writing #i am not a smart business owner #i'm an emotional fragile mentally ill one #who has to make decisions that keep me wanting to do this job #because at the end of the day #my severe treatment-resistant mental illnesses #do not do well with the pressure of making money #and feeling like a failure #so i need to actually do things that aren't about money at all #to remind myself that i don't need to have a breakdown #over never making a minimum wage #(i'm getting closer though which is probably why this burnout came on) #(i've been pushing a lot harder than normal because... well... i'd like to make #an average income one day) #(i may not be smart enough or well enough to do that) #(but i will keep trying) #i just have to keep trying as someone with a very broken mind #who copes with that brokenness through working hard #breaks are stressful and i have to think hard about what's best

[bylertruther]

🚨 angst alert 🚨 i have a question for you. yes, you. put your au thinking cap on. got it? okay.

how do you think mike would've coped if they'd been in lucas and max's season four positions? as in, will dies a grotesque death in mike's arms after they agreed to go on a movie date this friday and mike admitted to feeling like he'd lost will not that long ago, mike almost gets shot and has to fight for both their lives to no avail and then pull them away from the rifts afterward to wait for help, and eleven manages to save will but he's in the hospital totally unresponsive and also whoops she can't actually find him in his mind btw. ...oof. thoughts? 🤨📝🎤

#redirecting my train of thought bc i was at risk of thinking abt canon lucas n max n tbh im in such a state rn tht it would kill me so. hi #byler #<- i want answers (aka free headcanons). pls reply or reblog if u choose to answer this 🫶 #i personally do Not think he would've coped nearly as well as lucas lol <3 #mike's anxious ass? mike's I'm Not Taking No For An Answer ass? mike's I'm Just A Random Nerd ass feeling like he'd proved himself right #after all in the worst of ways? that he wasn't the heart bc will fell apart anyway? #haha. This Is Fine This Is So *Unbelievably* (!!!!) Fine Actually 👍 #also if mike read to him in the hospital could u imagine if he like. recounted hellfire's campaigns to him or one that he'd been #working on and was hoping to get will's input on or surprise him with it after everything was over etc etc... AUGHHH

[lesbianlotties]

50 VanTai

50.  “Does my hair look sexy pushed back?”

“Maybe we don’t have to skip prom, you know?”

Van’s words made Taissa laugh wholeheartedly. She was lying on her bed, watching with a fond and amused smile as her girlfriend paced her bedroom, entertaining herself by playing with every little trinket and object that caught her attention in the room. 

“Oh, really?” Taissa said, knowing full well what the answer would be. “Are you serious?”

“Fuck no,” Van snorted. “But! I was just thinking…”

“That’s usually bad news…”

“Oh, fuck off,” Van laughed and nearly blushed as if Taissa had actually flirted with her, which, in the dynamic of their relationship, maybe she did. “As I was saying before being rudely interrupted… I think we would’ve looked great going to prom together.”

Taissa was quiet for a moment, really taking her time to process the information and picture that scenario in her mind. Of course they would look amazing, she had no doubt in her mind about it. Picturing that was the easiest part. The difficult thing was letting her mind wander to the dark half of that thought, to the reasons why they couldn’t go to prom.

Not the reason why they didn’t even want to go, it wasn’t exactly a major interest for either of them. But the reasons why they couldn’t, why it wasn’t safe, why it wasn’t allowed for the two of them to show up to prom, hand in hand, wearing similar suits that matched just well enough to satisfy Taissa’s perfectionism and yet were original enough to satisfy Van’s personality.

They would be unique, they would be the best couple at a party made up of a majority of couples that wouldn’t make it past the first half of the party, let alone the weekend, and let’s not even talk about making it past graduation. That wasn’t them. They could make it. They were in love. And,

“We’re too good for prom anyway,” Taissa said.

She moved off the bed slowly, suddenly feeling the need to be close to Van and, thanks to the privacy of her own home, did not need an excuse or a way to hide it.

“Yeah, dude, I know that, but you are missing out on seeing me in a suit,” Van argued, still smiling as if there were no terrible reasons to explain their absence from the party. She stopped in front of the full-length mirror in the corner of Taissa’s room and made a pose that was endearing and amusing enough that not even Taissa could fight off a smile at it.

“You’d stay just as annoying,” Taissa retorted. She softened as soon as Van turned to face her. “And you’d look amazing,” she added.

Van’s grin made it absolutely worth it.

“Oh, yeah?” she said, all smug now, “What about a bowtie?” She accompanied her question with her hands gesturing around her neck, fixing an invisible bowtie.

Taissa made a show of wincing at the idea, right before shrugging and stepping just a little closer. “Kind of cute, to be honest,” she said.

“What about my hair?” Van asked. Her eyes were sparkling and she followed Taissa’s lead to close the distance between them. “What should I do with it? Would it look sexy pushed back?”

When Van raised her hands to play with her hair, Taissa couldn’t hold her laugh any longer. She finally stepped into Van’s personal space and asked, “You fucking dork, can you just kiss me?”

The last few words were mumbled against Van’s lips though. Van didn’t need to be told twice or even hear the full question. She couldn’t care less about prom or when they would finally get to go out hand in hand in their suits and matching smiles. She would be happy anytime, anywhere, as long as she got to be the one that made Taissa Turner laugh, as long as she could taste that blissful laugh in her kiss.

Send me a prompt!

#i'm sorry this took ages!!! but it's finally here!!! #this is how i cope waiting for the next ep :) #yellowjackets #taivan #tai x van #taissa turner #van palmer #yj #yellowjackets fanfic #prompts #answered #my fic #melchiorgabordidyouwritethis #also if you read all these tags pls go read the lottielee prompt?

[danthropologie]

perez q1 exit but at what cost? zac brown being happy?

the lord giveth, the lord taketh away 😔

#unfortunately for all of us (or maybe fortunately idk) mcl*ren making such a big (ILLEGAL!!!) jump so quickly is also giveth taketh #if they can do that....better fucking get someone EXTREMELY COMPETITIVE in that second seat before next year #i'm coping i know leave me alone #silverstone23 #answered #anonymous

[tommybowefuneralattendee]

To that anon who thinks about Trust Fall everyday, extreme same. I've read that fic like 4 times and when you post more spommy slut it WILL kill me 🙏🏻

smut-slut typo

#which is to say thank you i am spontaneously combusting #however humor is How I Cope #i've only really read trust fall to edit so glad y'all enjoy it lmao #gay-nonderogatory #ask answered #i'm working on like two or three spommy smut pieces as we speak #out of my 13 active wips #which there are probably more but i need to re-sort my 4thewords again we all have flaws

[peoplegettingreallymadatfurries]

What do you think gay men are attracted to in men that they can’t be attracted to in women?

It can’t be anything about femininity or masculinity obviously. That’s both sexist, and cultural so can’t be what drives men-only attraction.

It can’t be anything about stated identity because someone could lie just as easily as they could tell the truth in such a statement, and it makes no sense because homosexuality and heterosexuality exists in other species with no stated identities. It’s not like other animals without gender are all pan.

Saying idk it’s the vibes or some indescribable trait men have that women can’t but “I can’t explain” is a nonanswer.

Soooooooo what is it? Or do you think any sexuality but bi/pan is just cultural performance or an identity rather than an inborn orientation?

- [ ]

I'm a furry blog, not a queer epistemologist.

#you get my take in the tags #the only social factor at play is whether or not your society wants to kill you for being different #i am personally not a label person because it just confines people to boxes #however other people feel more comfortable with themselves having a name for their experience #i'm not able to provide a sociological answer to the WHY men are attracted to men just as much as why men are attracted to women #the argument is bioessentialism which fully disregards human personality and choice #I can only offer my personal reasons why but even then I refuse to unless you pay me for it because I'm broke and this is unprovoked #thats my purse i don't know you levels here #i don't owe you anything as an explanation because I don't know who you are #i'm just trying to be funny on the internet to cope with all the shit that's making me lose my hair

[homiro]

WARNING FOR LONG POST THAT WON'T GO UNDER A BREAK. FLICK IT UP OR SCROLL PAST IF YOU DON'T WANT TO READ A MESSY FUCKING RANT ABOUT FANDOM BEHAVIOUR, ABUSE, TRANSPHOBIA, ANTI RADICAL FEMINISM AND MORE SHIT. THIS IS NOT COHERENT.

I have two hangster fanfics started but I don't feel like finishing them especially because I just keep writing and writing and making them longer and longer and like if I ever finish either of them I won't even leave the comments open if i post them and I probably would post but yeah the last piece of shit i wrote was met with nothing but insults and animosity so im like still very angry about that. like the least horrible of the THREE assholes who decided that insulting me was something they had the right to do instead of just saying 'your tags are wrong, fix them' tried to go on about oh you leave comments open so you're open to criticism uwu and girl criticism is basically tearing someone to shreds so if i don't want your damn critiques what makes you think that I want to be insulted? where did i say that i had a degradation kink? so yeah, i have a very bad impression of this fanbase. it seems very clique-y to me and it's funny because it's a minuscule fanbase no matter what this user tried to say I'm not stupid and making a single fanfic a series to crank up the number of fics isn't as sleek as yall think it is. like you can do it i'm not judging but don't tell me 'um akshully this is a super popular shipppp' like yeah within a fandom with maybe 1000 active users maybe lol and I'm just in a I want to fucking speak up about EVERYTHING mood and I'm tired of always being shut down, lectured, insulted, and treated like shit and expected to just be 'the bigger person' motherfucker no. i am 166cm tall that's 5'6'' or some shit I don't know american, that's not very big is my point so i won't be the bigger person and ignore and delete and blah blah. WRITING IS MY HOBBY AND WHEN YOU COME FOR IT, FOR THE THING THAT HAS KEPT ME MILDLY SANE SINCE I WAS FUCKING 7, WE HAVE A PROBLEM. no, i don't care that i write like shit. it's free. i do it for free because i like to do it. it's the only way i can express myself and even there i get shut down and mocked because im mediocre in everything i fucking do, thanks for the reminder, it's not like my abuser didn't remind me of that for well over 20 years lol /sarcasm/ if you don't like someone's shitty writing, you have the option to click the fuck back and not being a massive piece of entitled shit. i don't know what's wrong with this fanbase honestly i have gotten hate before but never this fast and never to this scale on a stupid fucking fanfic that was very fucking clear for anyone who had taken the time to read it before telling an abuse survivor what abuse is and absolutely getting it fucking wrong lol i am proficient in 7 languages, and my preferred writing style is simple because i understand the value of being understood for more than one reason.

why do people think it's acceptable to be cunts to strangers online? if you wouldn't say the shit you say to people online to people in real life, THEN DON'T FUCKING SAY IT. and yes, i would say all of this here in real life and that is why I am typing it down. i'm literally a chronically depressed dysphoric motherfucker with generalised anxiety, cptsd and semi-functional autism, you think i wouldn't lash the fuck out in real life? you're wrong. i'm actually much worse in real life. i'm the sweetest fucking pie if you respect me but if you treat me like shit expect to get the dressing down of your fucking life or punched in the nose because sometimes i become non-verbal when angry and that's bad because i am reactive to abuse. and online that translates to not shutting up, in real life it translates to violence. but the thing is that in real life people are aware of dos and don'ts. online people just become their fucking regina george wet dream of a school bully.

and i've had fucking enough of being treated like shit. i've had enough of people thinking that being a cunt is cool or edgy. i've had fucking enough of the yes queen slay culture that sees women displaying disgusting, abusive behaviour and applauds it as something good. because 'socking it to the men'. i hate radical feminists for this reason and it's funny that their fascist ideology is spreading like a disease and nobody seems to notice, especially because the pipeline from radical feminist to trans exclusionary radical feminist is an archway not a pipeline. before you know it, you'll see trans masculine people and trans men as 'traitors' and 'wanting male privilege' and 'still women deep down' and 'still has a vagina so she's a woman'. and i'm not pulling this out of my ass, i watched this happening in real time more than once. god i'm so fucking angry i'm just vomiting all the shit that's been pissing me off for months. and i'm talking about this because this shit is so prevalent and commonplace that i, who have been sure that I want to go through with fully transitioning, have been reconsidering because of the insidious hateful comments from terfs/radfems and casual sympathisers with the ideology of those people and the dysphoria i've been feeling has been making me want to wear an actual literal mask outside and carry a fucking fake sword in a scabbard so that nobody will approach me. i have isolation tendencies that are very strong and have been with me since i can remember and i can remember as far back as 4 years old. and then i have to see these fuckers try to find 'articles' to support their hatred and bigotry when they are the literal reason why we fucking kill ourselves and just put up with feeling miserable and don't transition. i don't want to be even more ostracised and treated like shit. i don't want to be even more treated like i'm holding an unpinned grenade just because i don't want to put up with people who insult me and make me feel bad and react to that and fight back. i don't have self-esteem, i fucking hate myself, i feel like ripping my body to shreds every damn day and then i have to work from home the shitty jobs i can do that barely pay for my meds and definitely don't pay for therapy because being around people and too much stimuli makes me shutdown like to the point where i can't speak. So you see the issue maybe idfk that I come online to unwind and write shit as a hobby and mind my damn business and take the time to say look I have these issues and people see that list as 'oh look an easy target for my being a cunt wet dreams because this one will react and I'll seem like a saint! UWU'

and why did this have to involve this ship from top gun? well, because i liked the ship, i wanted to write for it, because writing is my hobby, and what i got was abuse lol and then gaslit into thinking it wasn't abuse and that i had to accept being called names lol 'oh there are no victims uwu i will concede that insulting you was not very nice uwu' but i didn't get a single fucking apology i had to apologise because i was triggered since i couldn't actually do anything and im always ALWAYS on my own even if i cry for help, it never comes, no matter what's fucking happening. even friends just say oh well i didn't see that so oopsie daisy sorry you felt bad and nobody defended you as as been the norm your entire life' like i'm just fucking TIRED. i'm tired of never being good enough. im tired of my friends never having my back. i'm tired of only being told oh actually you weren't wrong when it's already over and i'm already feeling like shit mentally and can't cope with the ruminating feelings of being perpetually misunderstood, mediocre, and alone. 'oh having to stand up for yourself makes you stronger uwu' fuck you a million fucking times. no it doesn't. it makes you paranoid, it makes you isolate, it makes it hard for you to maintain friendships, it makes you a loner, it makes you depressed because you're not supposed to be alone because humans are social animals. and i guess that's the bottom line lol i feel utterly and completely fucking alone. the only person i regularly see and talk to is my brother who also has cptsd and is autistic like me lol obviously we grew up in the same shitty environment and these things tend to be hereditary so yeah i have to mask even with him because he's almost 11 years younger than me and is going through that early 20s phase of your life where you're just lost and don't know what you want and feel bad and as the older sibling i feel that it's my duty to try and pretend not to feel as bad as i do but it's getting harder and harder and im not putting this under a read more break. happy fucking mental health awareness day. enjoy your nothingburger posters and yellow pins of performativity.

rant over.

#homiro said some shit #long post #text #rant #vent #anti terf #mental heatlh #fucking gonna tag it and if you don't like it feel free to prove my point #hangster #yeah that's fucking right #this is what triggered me and i haven't stopped thinking about it because it's my fucking hobby #abuse mention #actually autistic #actually cptsd #trans #fuck it let it show up on all the damn tags lol block me and filter my url tho i don't think i'll ever post anything like this again #i'm just tired of my drafts being full of unposted vents because im scared of more abuse because people online are fucking insane #and have wet dreams about being cunts to maybe cope with having been bullied in school idfk #but i wasn't a bully so why do i have to take your abuse #the answer is i don't.

[ginaporterr]

rina was always gonna be the second choice, and was only made canon because olivia left, cope with that, their story was embarassing and they had been building up to ej and gina forever <3 everyone watching was disappointed except a tiny percentage

brb coping by POPPING BOTTTTTTTLES RINA HAPPY AND IN LOVE RINA RAIN KISS RINA CIHTD RINA RHRN RINA JWBWY RINA ORIGINAL DUET RINA BEST LOVE SONG ON THE SHOW RINA BEATING HEART OF THE SHOW RINA ENDGAME RINA SOULMATES RINA GETTING MARRIED AND ADOPTING 10 DOGS RICKY & GINA PORTER-BOWEN FOREVEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRR

#you cannot be a real person bc 'they had been building up to ej and gina forever' 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 #the biggest lie i ever heard! #answered #anonymous #anyway i've said multiple times that i do not care how y'all (incorrectly) think we got to this point #bc regardless we're here and i'm on top of the world meanwhile you're sending bitter little anon messages to people so! #think you're the one that needs to figure out how to cope with it all... do some inner reflection or something idk <3

[wickedhawtwexler]

oh my godddd if i do not hear back one way or another about this job before the weekend i will go INSANE

#they said they were gonna make a decision by end of day thursday!!! where is the decision babe!!! #i have been so anxious this entire week!!!! #i just bought a huge bottle of wine bc i have tried and failed all week to cope with this without Substances #i do not handle uncertainty well!!!!!! #if i don't hear back by monday i'm just gonna assume i didn't get it and start applying to other jobs #if i get ghosted i'll be sooooo pissed #like ghosting job candidates is bad 100% of the time but i think it'd be downright MEAN to do this to the four of us who are up for the job #we're all people who got laid off from this company and had this one hope of returning to normalcy dangled in front of us #we at least deserve a yes or no!!!! #i want the answer to be yes bc i don't want to have to do any more interviews lmao. and bc it's a safe & not too hard job #i would not be too upset with a no though bc i could make a lot more and have more job stability elsewhere #m.txt

[vampirepunks]

Higgs is a bad guy and you should not woobify him, he's a mass murderer

✨If not babygirl why does he have pretty blue eyes and a special interest...✨

Anyway here's my favorite cover of Bad Guy :)

#this has been sitting in my inbox since yesterday and I've been laughing too hard to answer it #fandom police on the scene even though i said fuck the cops! #idk how to explain to you that fiction isn't real #i can call a fictional terrorist a poor little meow meow... as a treat #also hi i'm coping with my c-ptsd through him thank you :) that's my emotional support skrunkly. for my mental health. he just like me fr #i hate to break it to you but if that's all you walked away with regarding him then well... death stranding just isn't for you #like did you miss kojima retweeting samhiggs fanart orrrrrrrrrr #idk where y'all haters keep coming from... dang my blog has termites huh. y'all are in the walls i stg #that or one (1) person has a crush and can't cope lmfao... this is def schoolyard behavior #logan answers #anon #higgs monaghan

[practically-an-x-man]

uteri ??? plural ??? two ?????? my condolences man what

Yep! One of my many (groovy) mutations

I'll spare you the full explanation but I started having severe abdominal pain when I was 12 (when my mutation manifested itself like any other X-Man, obviously /j). When I say severe, I mean I couldn't eat or sleep and spent a lot of time locked in the bathroom or curled up with a heating pad. My parents, teachers, other adults in my life didn't believe me and thought I was faking to get out of responsibilities, so I went a year without being diagnosed at all, followed by another year of repeat misdiagnoses since the condition is rare (they assumed it was either endometriosis or some kind of gastro issue).

Long story short, finally got a good doc, got diagnosed with Herlyn-Werner-Wunderlicht Syndrome, had surgery to correct the blockage that had formed (one of the uteri formed blocked and was filling up with fluid, which was causing the pain. it's a good thing the uterus lining is flexible bc otherwise it could have burst and gone septic. as it was the doc said my pain was likely as severe as labor pains.). I'm fine now but I still have two uteri

Oh and only one kidney. and extra ribs. and mandibular tori. and missing wisdom teeth. and hypermobility/suspected hEDs. and that's not even counting the mental health/neurodivergency side of things.

#it's the reason my url is practically-an-x-man actually! i'm a mutant :D #though all joking aside x-men helped me cope with all the pain and bad times so i do kinda owe it my life. especially my boy angel ofc #my friends!!! #answered asks #tw medical #tw menstruation

[veshialles]

Was there a tipping point for Hyacinth, one decision that really sent her story crashing?

Or was the point that she was always going to end up here? That it wasn't just one big thing, but the culmination of a thousand little cuts?

~Jasper

It was a bit of both, truth be told! My original thought processes when building her as a character were: "what if I made a girl who Gets Worse™" and "Oh shit what if she was a space witch also!" But I have a lot of details about how it all went wrong. Anyways! time to psychoanalyze my own OC

So, Hyacinth's upbringing definitely brought with it a thousand little cuts for sure; orphaned in a traumatic shuttle crash at a young age, growing up in the slums of Marseille, France, feeling alone and abandoned, ending up forced to do morally questionable things just to survive and get enough to eat, fell in with a local street gang that had connections to a larger criminal empire. And, well, when you spend so long "just trying to survive", you might find that the mental switch for your fight or flight response could get permenantly set to "Fight", especially if your circumstances have you trapped in an environment that reinforces and even rewards your aggressive reactions and you've never sought counselling in your life because you didn't have access to those resources (and later because you think you're above "all that mushy crap".) Such as the case was for her, unfortunately.

When her biotics came in, Hyacinth (by then already well immersed in the crminal underbelly of Alliance and UNIN territories) began to make a name for herself as "La Sorciere de La Viste" and suddenly that scared little kid, tired of being pushed around, decided to become something to fear. Taking part in shakedowns, heists, smuggling rings, extortion rackets, hit jobs, the lot of it; doing whatever she could to gain an edge. A reputation which served her gang well, but soon caught the attention of the Alliance Military, who sought her out for questioning (and recruitment). They offered to clear Hyacinth's extensive criminal record if she signed a plea deal, in exhange she would get 3 full meals a day and consistent living arrangements, and while it took some intense prying on their part because of her "authority issues", she eventually accepted the offer and betrayed her old gang.

No less than a month later, the Alliance shipped her off to Jump Zero "Brain Camp", where their trainers honed Hyacinth's biotic powers into a deadly weapon, and she chose to specialize in Vanguard tactics. So now, all that rage and pain and hurt was being concentrated into raw mass effect fields with one goal: cripple the enemy with overwhelming force. She showed such proficiency in this that, after some years of dedicated service, Hyacinth was recommended for the N7 Program. Her hardheadedness served her well in some tests, and caused her to nearly fail in others, but eventually she did pass, through sheer force of will. Clawing her way up from a scrawny street rat to a fully fledged biotic warrior.

A few years later, Alliance Command shipped her off to the front lines of their conflict with the Batarian Hegemony, where she saw some of the bloodiest battles she would witness until the Reaper War. Which, as desensitized as she was to violence, did obviously leave her with even more physical and psychological scars for sure (not that she would ever honestly admit it, of course). All of this culminated to Hyacinth being put in charge of the final assault, where she ordered her unit to mercilessly pursue the Batarian forces stationed there, wiping them out at the cost of most of her unit's lives. There were rumours that her terrifying display of biotic power during the firefight could have created a "friendly fire" situation when she tore those Batarians to shreds, and while it was never fully investigated, she earned her unofficial title, The Witch Of Torfan.

The final tipping point though, in my opinion at least, was when Ashley died on Virmire. Because although her ruthless tendencies were alive and well in the pursuit against Saren, when Hyacinth was travelling with the Normandy crew, she finally had some sense of "normalcy". She didn't exactly "soften up" but she did allow herself to get closer to her crewmates than she normally would have on any given mission, because before she figured there was no point to it. The places she got assigned to were usually temporary posts, with temporary CO's and temporary squadmates, most of whom might probably die in the field anyway, so she tended to think "what's the point?".

But, over the course of her Spectre-authorized investigation, Hyacinth got very close with Ashley, who became someone Hyacinth could let her guard down around and actually have a (fairly) open dialogue with. Although they didn't agree on everything, they got along well and had some inexplicable raw chemistry, and Ashley even took to calling Hyacinth "Skipper" as a flirty nickname. (thank you modding community 💕)

If things had turned out differently, maybe she would have done at least some healing, or maybe she would have stayed the same. But when the fateful call came in, and Hyacinth was forced to make a choice, she ran back to the bomb-site. Not to save Kaidan, but to defend the team's main objective and ensure the facility's destruction. She hoped Ashley by some miracle might make it out alive, having seen her resourcefulness in the field first-hand. And when Ashley didn't make it back to the Normandy, instead of facing her grief and loss and taking responsibility for the call she made, Hyacinth chose instead to turn around take out all of her rage on Kaidan, lashing out at him in the conference room after the mission, in front of everybody, starting the bitter rivalry between the two of them that will likely never truly end. (yes he just survived the Cerberus Attack in my pt, and yeah she's a kinda pissed about it)

Hyacinth's loss on Virmire was what really "cemented" her ongoing train-wreck of harsh choices, because it was at that point when Hyacinth began to truly believe, whether she realized it consciously or not, that she was unworthy of "having good things" and "being the better woman", and that just maybe she was incapable and/or undeserving of changing her ways, and that the universe was an inherently cruel place as she had always believed. And by reinforcing that narrative in her mind, Hyacinth spiraled into a self-fulfilling prophecy, and would continue to make terribly harsh choices under this justification, with each Renegade action hammering this belief ever further into her psyche.

While Hyacinth did eventually find love and understanding again in Jack - a woman who, like her, had lead a similarly harsh life of violent crime, was hardened by it, and even understood what a life with biotics could be like - their tender connection borne from common struggles still wasn't enough to turn Hyacinth away from the path she was on. (At least she was a good influence on Jack?? Somehow??? something something cautionary tales I guess idk. thank you again, modding community💕)

I guess, in a way, the other major reason why she is Like That™ is because, at her core, Hyacinth never really stops being that scared little kid, struggling to eke out an existence in one of Earth's many forgotten gutters. She is still reacting to every potential threat and problem like a hammer to a nail, still willing to manipulate and betray her "allies" if she thinks it would give her an advantage (oftentimes without fully considering the full implications, and later on simply not caring about the long-reaching effects). Because she's simply never learned how else to operate.

So yeah, long story short; Hyacinth Shepard's unhealed trauma and apathetic/pessimistic worldview informs a LOT of her decision-making. And even though her regrets and sins will haunt her to the end of her days, she holds onto the core belief that she deserves to be haunted by what she has done, and the belief that she doesn't deserve to get better. And that's the tragedy of it all. Because like, it really didn't have to turn out like this. She was handed so many chances to do differently, to make a better choice, but when you take all of those events combined, it acted like some kind of horrible cascading domino effect for her, and because of that, it probably couldn't have turned out any other way for Hyacinth, sadly :(

#sorry for loving evil tragic messy problematic anti-heroes doomed by their own altered perceptions and unhealthy coping skills #as if it's my fault! #like I'm all for ''damaged characters learning to heal'' but sometimes you need the catharsis of watching a character get worse #and think to yourself ''thank gods i went to therapy instead of doing whatever the hell this girl's got going on'' #in conclusion; there is something wrong with her <3 #long post #answered asks #jasper-the-menace #ruby's ocs #hyacinth shepard #mass effect #commander shepard #custom shepard

[lesbianlotties]

In fics, I always see people writing and joking about how steve used to love robin as like a sort of one off throwaway line and sometimes the reply from robin would be like "gross" or steve would be like "ew dont remind me" in like a teasing way but i actually hate that so i came up with a hc that whenever its brought up, steve would say "and i had GOOD REASON TO LOVE YOU, robbie. I still do, even more than i did that day, but its just a love that looks a little different now." And robin would just start dopey grinning.

(Meanwhile Robin's literal girlfriend NANCY WHEELER just looks between the two dumdums in the background and starts to grin to herself at how sweet the bond is between the two)

GOOD!! THAT'S GOOD!!

i think you're so right. i think we should acknowledge that Steve loved Robin, and i was going to say something else but tbh reading "i still do, even more than i did that day" hits me so hard 😭i mean can you believe that platonic soulmates were invented when these two met?? amazing right??

#i'm pretty sure i read a fic that included a hint of angst about steve still being in love with robin. like obviously he accepted #and respected her as a lesbian but he just couldn't make his feelings disappear in the blink of an eye you know? which i think makes sense? #like he did everything right of course but i want to know how he coped with it all what was his thought process when he realized #'oh this will never ever happen and that's okay but i still love her and moving on takes a little time but i will be her best friend foreve #they're amazing i love them very very much #nancy loves them two. she rolls her eyes and makes a little joke and kisses robin's cheek and sends steve a smile #and everything is good 😭 #answered #stranger things #robin buckley #steve harrington #nancy wheeler #st #anon

[unhinged-nymph]

.

#so here's the thing #my new medication helps me feel less sad and hopeless #which honestly thank god cuz it was real rough there for a bit #(i mean we haven't embarked into this year's seasonal depression yet so tbd) #but no medication i've ever taken has helped with the sheer amount of overwhelm i deal with every moment of every day #and i'm not even feeling particularly anxious all the time #(although i do feel it... a lot lol) #but i am just bombarded by constant thoughts and sensory overload and constant frustration and just overall complete overwhelm when it #comes to literally any task #and it is so fucking exhausting #and that's when i start to feel like.... ok i literally cannot do this forever #but what other choice do i have? #no coping mechanism can turn off the deluge of chaos in my brain at all times #and i just don't know what i'm supposed to do about any of this #(and the answer can't be more therapy because i can't afford it lol) #(and it has never worked for me anyway) #this sucks

[hurglewurm]

2am thinking about death and violence but my cat sensed it and came running in here to scream and stand on me

#i worry sometimes though. even with her around #the patterns i've been avoiding they are coming back #they are loud #i am too young to have lived this life dude. #isolation truly drives one mad but it's not always your own choice to cope this way #if i am feeling avoided and ignored by all. then i am going to isolate further. because #it's about control it's about feeling like you made this choice #it's easier to blame yourself because it hurts too much otherwise #ANYWAYYYYYYYYYY I'm going to sleep now. fucking hell #oh to be sane. oh to have pleasant thoughts about oneself #no one in my real life know how bad it's getting #or i think they don't. if they do then well #whatever I'm a burden I'm a nightmare to deal with #also sorry for doing this on the internet every two days????? this has been building since. may or june #no one on the internet is allowed to worry about me though #I'm in bed I'm sleeping it's fine #i often think to myself. surely thinking back i was normal and not depressed. #and i always struggle to find a clear answer #i think i was happy when i was 11 #... yikes