#Artisinal hats | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

rphelperblog · 2 years

Text

Lizzie Saltzman Quote Rp Meme

I’ve got a lot of secs...I mean time.”

“I’m trying to rise above it so let me freaking rise.”

“Did she who must not be named just fat shame me?”

“Are we poor?”

“That is why I have decided to permantly release my inner bitch.”

“If you hurry, you can catch up with blair bitch and tongue chum her again.”

“Distracted during a monoluge, classic villain mistake.”

“For the record, this selfless act of heroicism fully cancels out my previous dodgy behavior.”

“I just have this feeling that everything is going to work out just fine.”

“Only a threat to those dumb enough not to fall in line.”

“Great luck sending jimminy cricket after me.”

“”Aparently not long enough to think of something clever to say.”

“Fifty shades me.”

“This sentient jar of artisinal maynoaise.”

“Don’t worry. I will just ask him about star wars and he will talk the whole time.”

“This is a nergasm, not a plan.”

“If I am destined to die in my prime, at least let it be in a blaze of heroes glory.”

“I know that I am great, but everyone else- terrible.”

“I spent a lot of time bettering myself over the summer and I am gonna need you all to rise to my level.”

“This is terrible news. It’s freaking fall not winter. What am I gonna wear?”

“I’ve always wanted to be apart of a power couple.”

“I’m mad at the world and you just happen to be in it.”

“Thanks a lot. Way to ruin life for the rest of us.”

“One word. one word and I could burn her perky little boobs to ash.”

“We aren’t in the prison yard, ass hat.”

“Would you like to be the robin to my batwoman?”

“You’re fine. Just a little- Slutty.”

“We are gonna suck?”

“Anything to keep me from picturing my sister’s tragic visit to the shire.”

“Sometimes, she was just tired or having a bad day or whatever.”

“I just want to soak in this gold moment when we thought that your plan would work.”

“You are pagent pretty, reasonable well spoken and the added benefit of being an orphan.”

“It’s effective, but her methods- quaint.”

“Screw this world.”

“Well, in that case, screw personal growth.”

“I’m sorry. We can’t all be born with resting pouty face.”

“We get it you came back. Now, disapear again.”

I fancy sex with you. The jury’s out on all the rest.”

“For the love of frodo, go rescue your hobbit. We will muddle through.”

“I’m a taste maker. An influencer. people don’t know what they want til I tell them they want it.”

“I’m pretty sure I’ve seen that on a poster at the dentist’s.”

“New plan. The gloves are off. Let’s burn these bitches to the ground. We’re going to give these townies a taste of what we’re really made of.”

“No one has been better off without you.”

“And we don’t exist for just one boy.”

“This is an honor. It’s so nice to know that you all love me as much as I love myself.”

“Epic former frenemy reunion is going to have to wait.”

“A mission for a hero and her league of- whatever.”

“In order to conquer, we had to divide.”

“i thought you would have wanted to spend the day canoodling with your hipster boyfriend.”

Ew. Wait, that leaves me with High-and-Mighty Granger. Like Hermione Granger, but just more stuck-up?”

“You only get one chance to make a good first impression, and you don’t want to be the girl that wears a uniform to a school that doesn’t have uniforms.”

“That wreath can’t go there. That is where the doves are being released which is after the video, remember?”

“Oh god, he has got you speaking nerd.”

“I’m getting back to me. I am who I am.”

“If you would be happy to be my date to my birthday on Friday.”

“Do I look pretty when I play quarterback?”

“You are not friends. Your just a montage.”

“I’m not worried about losing the election. I’m worried about what I’m going to wear to my victory rally. The outfit makes the speech.”

“No, I am not a virgin.”

“Oh god, that was my inside voice.”

“For once, your weird relationship with my dad is paying off.”

“You cannot leave me alone with just her for company.”

“I was making an entrance mop head.”

“If she still wants to kill me, the safest place I can be is right next to you.”

“No, I am right on time to kick your ass.”

“On a scale from horrific to apocalyptic, a 12.”

“That is such a move.”

“I am nosey, in like a charming way.”

“Do I look like a nerd?”

“nothing that you and I will be proud of.”

“It’s hero time.”

“Nu-uh, we are all good.”

“Are you seriously telling me that I am going to die because I become a better person?”

“on the bright side, we are all happy that you are single.”

“I don’t do trash.”

“I should have said this earlier but black isn’t your color.”

“No wonder you had a thing for me.”

“Is it because I am prettier than you?”

“It’s so much less impressive when you give the hero speeches.”

“Oh god, I am having an episode again.”

“I did. I do. Also- I am incredibly turned on by him.”

“I prefer to die with dignity.”

“Unchain me, and maybe I will tell you. You thrift store hobbit.”

“Trust me, no one thinks that.”

“We are about to die. Figure something out.”

“I’m unique and special and for some reason I am angry at the world because of it.”

“Good morning... more like despair.”

“I care that instead of being welcomed at the airport, we were stuck taking a shuttle that smelled like a sewer for three hours.”

“See the new you is so snarky.”

“Be surprised quitely.”

“So buckle up. We are in this tell the bitter end.”

“It’s okay. Just let it out the real way. Like you have needed too all this time.”

“All good things, I hope.”

“What is with the performance anxiety?”

“Why? I am wearing polyester.”

“Who is this trollop?”

“When I said that I wanted to hang out, this is not what I had in mind.”

“This is the definition of girl power. I am proud of us.”

“If you tell anyone else this, I will deny it, but I am glad you are back.”

“WIth global warming, I might never see the florida keys because of you.”

“who better to put a touching memorial to me than me?”

“That hair, that shirt... oh, I see you have a point there.”

“We are airy clouds flying high above a tuburlant sea of teenage drama.”

“He is hot and crazy and the language barrier would make it hard to communicate. Just how I like it.”

“Why are you carrying a sword?”

“Sorry, I think.”

239 notes · View notes

professorlizzard · 1 year

Text

Week #10

64. Hattice's Shoppe: An extremely fancy hat shop, where every single hat is masterfully handcrafted, full of sequins an fine silks, without any mercury involved. Hattice is a Crane Bivalve, so her head is disembodied from her head, so wearing hats is a bit impractical for her. This is why she also makes fascinators.

65. Shell Movement Monument: A swampy park, full of giant statues of sleeping snapping turtles. These were all created by independent turtle artists, or rather, their Shells spirit selves while they napped. If you look closely, the statues are covered in detailed crosshatchings and ornate onomatopoeias.

66. QREGON whittles: A tiny arts and craft shop in a log shack. Its fully of ornately carved wooden statues of creatures of all shapes and sized. The owner, an Octogenarian Walrus, says he liberated them out of wooden blocks using a single strike from his Morse hammer.

67. Ter & Ber Graphic Design: A graphic design firm in a terracotta covered building. Termites and Riders work together to craft megalithic websites, ones that span the lone and level HTMLs, gleaming with majesty... They also make quirky logo designs in the form of pottery.

68. Hollow Open Air Museum Museum: Its a small street converted into a small old timey open air museum, representing the past of Planet Hollow. Visitors can see presentations about how open air museums are designed and built. The volunteer staff will show you the lives of the people playing the roles of artisans, craftsmen, and larpers.

69. Artisinal Skateboard Park: At first, seemingly a small skateboard but on a closer look, its more of a platonic idea of a skateboard park. The ramps, basins and rails are all engraved with turtles doing backflips, frontflips, and other flips. The turtles like to spend time here, doing nothing, while their Shell spiris float around, pretending to skateboard.

70. Ice Morse Palace: A grand palace wrought of ice, where the Eisferatu cultists of the Morse live. When they are not performing pilgrimage on the Warped Ice world, they walk around the city, performing free repairs and placing tiny statues. The Holeworms of the Wormhole are utterly fascinated by this place, and visit frequently in large numbers to learn about the Meta-Walrus, the neglectful creator of the Morse demiurge.

#PLart #nthspace #city23

2 notes · View notes

youreatgirlph · 5 years

Photo

Gelatofix

Now that summer is almost over, let’s not stop exploring different kind of desserts! We went to BGC and here’s what we’ve found :)

Gelatiofix is an Italian Artisinal gelato café and is renowned for its over the top gelato creations and exquisite Italian cuisine. It’s philosophy is to be a place for every visitor where they can just “hang their hats,” an Italian way of saying “Take a Break.”

At first we thought they also served Japanese cuisine. Yes, they do but in gelato form. Who would’ve thought that these are gelato? Beyond the similarity to Japanese sushi, each piece had a string of ingredients put together for a memorable bite! Think sushi minus the fish, nori, and Japanese rice but all gelato, chocolate, and fruit goodness.

This (photo below) is called the "Magic Boxx”. Take note of the extra X, because this dessert is extra ordinary. And, indeed, it really is extraordinary! It had thick toast cubes shaped into edible boxes, diced mango, custard cream and honey. On its side were fresh fruits, two servings of even more gelato and an incredibly sinfully good imported Giandula chocolate sauce. For this dessert alone, Gelatofix is a must visit!

Besides gelato and other desserts, they also serve nutritious gourmet salads, rich-flavored soup, eccentric entreé, sumptuous mains and to-die beverages. For the beverage, we’ve got to try the Italian soda in Strawberry and Apple (photo below).

We also got try 2 of their entreé: Rissoto Al Funghi (made fresh shiitake and button mushrooms) and Spaghetti Prawn Apricot (made, of course, of prawns and creamy apricot tomato sauce)

If you’re craving for some Italian dishes, give Gelatofix a visit and I’m sure your cravings will be satisfied!

Gelatofix is located @ Ground floor, BGC Corporate Center, 30th corner 11th St, Taguig (beside Seda Hotel)

#BGCFoodSearch

0 notes

countrymadefoods · 5 years

Photo

The curious history behind Nutella, the world-famous spread

“In 1964, the first jar of what we now call Nutella was sold from a bakery in Alba, Piedmont. Not long after, the chocolate-hazelnut spread would conquer the entire world.”

“When Michele Ferrero, the son of a small town pastry maker, decided to follow in his father's footsteps, he started from humble beginnings. Nutella could be called an 'austerity recipe' - in the 1950's, the Second World War and rationing had left chocolate in short supply in Italy. So Ferrero came up with the idea of adding hazelnuts, which were cheaper and more readily available than cocoa, to make the spread go further.”

“Fifty years after that first jar, Nutella's inventor was ranked as the richest person in Italy and 30th richest in the world, according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index. Michele Ferrero died the following year, leaving his widow Maria Franca Fissola the world's richest Italian.”

“Nutella jars are now universally recognizable, but they bear very little resemblance to the very first batch. Ferrero called the initial version Pasta Gianduja, named after a similar recipe from Turin. And it was first made in solid blocks, with the creamy, spreadable version only appearing in 1951.”

“You know about the chocolate and nuts, but there's much more to Nutella. The ingredients used are sugar, palm oil, hazelnuts (13%), lean cocoa (7.4%), skimmed milk powder (6.6%), whey powder, emulsifiers: lecithins (soya) and vanillin. And the way that Ferrero sources its two main ingredients, hazelnuts and cocoa, exemplifies the philosophy of the entire company.”

”The hazelnut are cultivated in Italy and Turkey, and the company also invests in the growing economies of countries such as Georgia, Chile, South Africa and Australia as the next growers. Cocoa is mainly produced in Western Africa and Equador, and because Ferrero uses almost 120.000 tonnes of cocoa beans every year, they stress the importance of preserving the production as well as the environment.”

(via The curious history behind Nutella, the world-famous spread | The Local Italy)

Gianduja (chocolate)

“Gianduja or gianduia is a sweet chocolate spread containing about 30 % hazelnut paste, invented in Turin during Napoléon's regency (1796–1814). The Continental System - imposed by Napoleon in 1806 - prevented British goods from entering European harbours under French control and put a strain on cocoa supplies.”

“A chocolatier in Turin named Michele Prochet extended the little chocolate he had by mixing it with hazelnuts from the Langhe hills south of Turin. It takes its name from Gianduja, a Carnival and marionette character who represents the archetypal Piedmontese, a native of the Italian region where hazelnut confectionery is common.”

Gianduja (commedia dell'arte)

“Gianduja is one of the masks of the Italian Commedia dell'Arte, typically representing the town of Turin (and Piedmont in general). Gianduja also became the namesake for a Piedmontese chocolate preparation. The mask depicts an honest peasant of Piedmontese countryland, with a certain inclination for wine (particularly Brachetto d'Acqui), gastronomy and beautiful girls, while strictly faithful to his lover Giacometta, who is usually represented by a cute girl.”

“In the early 19th century, a puppeteer by the name of Giovanni Battista Sales got into trouble with the authorities who did not appreciate his sarcastic humour or the fact that the character had the same first name as a brother of Napoleon, who had invaded the region. Sales fled to Callianetto, a hamlet of Castell'Alfero... and changed the name of the character to the Piedmontese Gioann dla Doja (later Giandoja and Italianized as Gianduja), which means something like "John of the Jug" (with doja meaning "tankard" or "beer mug", as the character was fond of drinking).”

“In the Commedia dell'Arte...Giacometta, his lover, always becomes jealous of him. [Gianduja,] personality-wise, he always has a happy humour. He is dressed (in the usual version) with a tricorn hat and a brown jacket with red borders. The character of Gianduja was originally created as a glove puppet but later became a marionette and then a live character portrayed by an actor. He is now Turin's official "king of the Carnival".”

A DARK, HANDSOME RIVAL PLANS TO MUSCLE IN ON NUTELLA

“It’s being called the jar wars.For decades, the Italian spread known as Nutella has sat placidly upon its throne—the undisputed queen of the chocolate (and chocolate-hazelnut) spreads, with 54% of global market share.

The spread is to be called Crema Pan di Stelle—a liquid form of the famous, star-studded chocolate cookies. There’s another important difference: Where Ferrero’s Nutella is made with palm oil, controversial for its role in massive deforestation in Southeast Asia, Crema Pan di Stelle will reportedly use sunflower oil, alongside 10% less sugar, patriotic Italian-only hazelnuts, and sustainably grown cocoa...it will also contain crumbled Pan di Stelle cookies, to add extra crunch.

Ferrero’s use of palm oil in Nutella has proven increasingly contentious among Italian consumers, who cite health and environmental concerns. Ferrero...has done little to mitigate their anxieties. Now, Barilla hopes to capitalize on them instead.”

Nutella rival’s ‘more ethical and healthier positioning’ to attract repeat customers, predicts analyst

“Palm oil is a saturated fat that is often hard to reconcile with a balanced diet.”

The omission of this controversial ingredienty, which is frequently associated with deforestation, biodiversity loss and climate change, sets ‘Pan di Stelle’ apart in Italy’s bread spread market.

“People are just more conscious of palm oil and more sensitive about how much palm oil a particular brand or product contains.”

Health and environmentally-conscious Nutella customers could ‘make the switch’ to Barilla’s new product.

“Barilla might be successful in attracting repeat customers because of more ethical and healthier positioning of it’s product.”

A consumer-driven movement towards ethically-sourced products and ingredients has been observed across the western world, including in Mediterranean Europe.

“Ethical living is one of the major trends affecting spreads in Italy...In the past few years, there has been a general movement towards niche and artisinal [brands]...people are more attracted to the more ethical factors of these brands, that are not [made]...by huge commercial companies.”

”Apart from being palm-oil free and containing less saturated fat than Nutella, Barilla has another unique point of difference: the presence of crumbs from the company’s Pan di Stelle biscuit range.

“It’s not only a chocolate spread, it also provides a bit of crunch.”

(via Nutella rival’s ‘more ethical and healthier positioning’ to attract repeat customers, predicts analyst)

This Healthy Hazelnut Spread Is Like The Millennial Version Of Nutella

“Now that mindful eating, organic ingredients, and vegan-friendly food have become particularly en vogue, it was only a matter of time before someone created a healthy alternative to everyone's favorite after-school snack: Nutella. Lucky for us, we didn't have to wait long. Hella, a new chocolate-y hazelnut spread boasting only three natural ingredients, has hit the market - and sold out in record time.

The first in-house product from clean eating marketplace, Bubble, the Hella spread is apparently hella good, and most importantly, guilt-free. Perfect for paleo dieters, vegans, and fit chicks with a sweet tooth, it's made of roasted hazelnuts, cacao nibs, and coconut sugar - all organic and free of any preservatives.”

(via This Healthy Hazelnut Spread Is Like The Millennial Version Of Nutella | Guest of a Guest blog)

CHOCOLATE HAZELNUT TRUFFLES

“CHOCOLATE HAZELNUT BUTTER (SEE NOTES)

1/2 cup hazelnuts

1 tablespoon sugar

4 ounces chocolate (semi-sweet or bittersweet), chopped roughly

2 tablespoons unsalted butter

1/4 cup heavy cream

1/8 teaspoon salt

TRUFFLE FILLING

1 cup hazelnuts

1 1/2 cups chocolate cookies (I use Trader Joe’s chocolatey cats cookies)

1/4 cup peanut butter

COATING

1 1/2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips

1 teaspoon vegetable oil

1/4 cup chopped hazelnuts (optional)”

(via CHOCOLATE HAZELNUT TRUFFLES | Put On Your Cake Pants blog)

(Image credit: Mariah Aro Sharp @mightymooseart)

Keep calm and be my Valentine

#iloveumorethan #nutella #italianinvented #hazelnutchocolatespread #ferrerocher #barilla #pandistelle #bubblehella #futurefoods #countrymadefoods #trufflenut #artisnalbrand #madeforyou #hazelnuttrufflespread #youremyvalentine #iloveumore

0 notes

kellyhofer · 7 years

Photo

A night ago with @missgrayyyc and @kylienylie capturing photos of his @makefashionca dress and projector hat. . . . #calgary #yyc #yycliving #yycphotographer #visual #fashion #wearabletech #artofthevisual #people #portrait #design #artisinal #artist #maker #make #alberta #capturecalgary #canon6d #canon #artofvisuals #justgoshoot #travelalberta #center #fstoppers #Lifestyle #photographyislife #hofermade #madebyhofer @portraitpage @theportraitpr0ject @pursuitofportraits @discoverportrait @rsa_portraits @igpodium_portraits @ofhumans @portraitmood @bleachmyfilm @featurepalette @quietthechaos @ourplanetdaily

0 notes

diplodocus1337 · 5 years

Text

Tell Me Where

Ein weiteres englisches Gedicht! Ich habe zuerst einfach drauflos geschrieben und eine Szene gesetzt, und danach hat sich der Rest des Gedichtes darum gedreht, wie es sich anfühlt einen Platz in der Gesellschaft zu suchen. Das Thema ist aber eigentlich nur ein Nebeneffekt - ich mag es einfach sehr, mit dem Rhythmus und Ton der englischen Sprache zu spielen.

daydreaming during dawn when deities do morning yoga the screaming from the streets surrounds the sun, why be so vulgar?

is it the hunger that controls you, is it cold outside? i dont feel any of your issues, you cant touch my pride

weaving artisinal denial, it makes me fluent in fantasy swinging in the latest style, do me a favor dont bother me

nod my head like "understood, sir" then my eyes turn to blank reciting mechanized programs to idols i have to thank

infinite possibilities reveal themselves when i blink all my thoughts turn to options, flashing by when i stop to think

all the stairs on my way to heaven morph to elevators just kick back and enjoy the ride gifted by the creators

the LEDs become night stars on my path to nirvana looking at people left behind, im guessing they dont wanna

escape the confines of the world that their past has defined captured forever into files that their words have refined

the sun is closer now, hope my wax wings dont fail me now you heard me? holy sails and air balloons: dont fail me now

my dreams become transparent sheets, forming to bubbles and the trash from fallen hope grows as i watch the rubble bend

then switch to ordinary days filled with coordinated haze my mind wanders looking at waves, discussing curves of newest craze

sitting in halls of lecturers, deriving meaning from their call behind the walls where treasure is, driving me up the fucking wall

but its alright, tomorrow i will get some sugar in my wounds follow the torch that they uphold and march into my honeytomb

go back and be a busy bee describing perfect hexagons hammer the essence of their ideals into stone cold paragon

slip back into my old skin waiting for me at the door at home skip back into my old ways of feeling fantastic when alone

remote control offers me ways to wind up in the good old days living in shelters i created shifting from phase to phase

everything i can do just so there is no word face to face fleeing from place to place into my palace i cant erase

...cus i'm perpetually unstuck, i am nobody's kin when you're perfection, i am awestruck, next i'm gone with the wind

i change direction, multi track drift, go through the loop again while head eats tail, do one more circle, the ouroboros wins

see heads on rails, i watch the circus, dilemma makes me spin chameleon, i change my colour, fit in no body's skin

0 notes

lovekhaosdesigns · 7 years

Photo

@fiveanddiamond Headgear Art Show is tomorrow Friday July 7th! If you're in San Francisco go checkout all of the beautiful headdresses including two hats named His and Hers with LED Lights made by yours truly. #5dheadgear 🔥 🔥 🔥 #headdress #headgear #sanfrancisco #sf #burnergirls #burningman #burnerstyle #burnerfashion #burningmanfashion #burningmanstyle #artshow #artisinal #wearableart #symbiosiseclipse #symbiosisgathering #hatgame #hat #deserthearts #fiveanddiamond #lovekhaos #industwetrust #fashionstyle #festivalstyle #festivalfashion #artyoucanwear #handmade #art #artist (at Five and Diamond)

0 notes

junker-town · 7 years

Text

What if Ja Rule ran the Kentucky Derby like Fyre Festival?

This is a work of fiction. Don’t worry, I am okay.

I send this message in the hopes that someone will read this and hear our story. I am not confident I will last another night. The camp has sustained serious damages and the last flight off this island has now left. This is the first time I have had cell phone reception since arriving here, and my battery is about to die. Just know this: I do not recommend “Ja Rule’s Kentucky Derby.”

It was billed as a once-in-a-lifetime horse racing experience. An opportunity to network with influencers and cultivate a personal brand. We were promised some of the biggest names in entertainment and business would be in attendance — but they never came.

When we called for help, nobody came.

I’ve attached an image of the flier I was sent prior to leaving for the island.

I arrived four days into the festival and it was an immediate disaster. There was no transportation to the campsite from the airport. Instead what I thought was a chauffeur handed me a map. Taxis could not drive to the location, so I walked — five miles through the forest.

The campsite I arrived at was nothing like it was promised. There was little-to-no evidence anything has been organized for a crowd of people, except a few small things.

A “Make your own Mint Julep” stand was set up in the corner of camp, but there was no mint. There was no bourbon. We were supposed to muddle poison ivy with crushed up cough drops and mix with grain alcohol. Some people tried it and immediately collapsed, the rest just took shots of the alcohol in the hopes of forgetting their surroundings. Dehydration would come for them soon.

Brochures made it sound like the grounds would be full or vendors selling artisinal wares. Instead there was just one stall selling grim variants of Kentucky Derby hats. They were made out of molted bird feathers and animal sinew. The stall reeked and only a few brave souls dared to buy to show off their fashion.

When we first arrived we were asked to exchange all the money we had on us for, what can only be described as, arcade tokens. They were made of thin metal and had Ja Rule’s face on them. We were told they would be our currency for the weekend.

Crowds teemed around the betting stand, but none of the horses listed had fun names. It was just No.1 - No. 78, which made no sense. There was no way 78 horses were fitting on the track they’d set up, but still I felt confident and spent 20 of my Ja Rule bucks on No.9.

The camp was bad, the tents were made of stitched together Jordache jeans, but somehow it felt like things were going to be okay on the day the racing was set to begin. I awoke in my jean tent to find a small army of workers unloading dozens of small cages, like cat-carriers onto the track which looked too small for horses. One man held his phone up to a loudspeaker and played a pre-recorded message from Ja Rule.

“Welcome to Ja Rule’s Kentucky Derby. Let the race begin!”

There wasn’t a bugle fanfare, per se — it was just Ja Rule screaming “MENAAGE!” from The Fast and the Furious.

youtube

Suddenly and without warning the cages were opened. Out ran scores of angry, dehydrated, disoriented raccoons. They ran one lap and I’ll admit, it was pretty exciting -- but then they leaped out of the confines of the track and went on the attack. They enveloped tents, tearing through the hastily fashioned jeans looking for food and water. I climbed into a tree and hid, feeling a mix of despair and self-loathing. I should have been on the ground helping, but I was too scared — screams echoing in my head. I don’t know how many we lost that day.

When I finally climbed down it was a war zone. All my possessions were gone, the map I used to walk to the campsite was missing. People huddled together, trying to patch their raccoon bites before they festered — but without any clean water they couldn’t be cleansed.

There was no sign of the animals, and the survivors assumed they had left. Dusk began to fall when the buffeting of helicopter blades was heard above our heads. We signaled for help, but instead a crate of food was pushed out of the bay, crashing to the middle of the campsite.

Before we had time to react and grab nourishment there was a rustling in the leaves and a chittering sound. The raccoons never left — they were just hiding, and now the sound and smell of food brought them back into the open. They attacked again. Food, human — it was all the same to them. An investment banker named Serge got engulfed by a horde of the animals when he tried to keep them away from the food. They picked his bones clean, leaving only his Rolex dangling on a skeletal arm.

I kept thinking this was a nightmare. At some point it would all be over — but that was a fool’s indulgence. Raccoon attacks became a part of our life over the next 24 hours. Our numbers were dwindling. At one point we had 300 strong, now we numbered 32. The rest had either succumb to their wounds or tried to find help -- never to return.

The next morning the helicopter was back. Again we assumed to drop off food, but this time in landed briefly before pushing a blindfolded, bound man out. He collapsed to the ground and we ran to assist. It was Dave Coulier, perhaps best know as “Uncle Joey” from Full House. He didn’t know where he was, claimed he never agreed to be a part of any Kentucky Derby organized by Ja Rule, held on a deserted island and said he was drugged while having his car washed in Beverly Hills.

Photo by Kevork Djansezian/Getty Images

He’d barely finished telling us his story when the raccoons were back. They heard the helicopter and quickly killed Dave Coulier without a second thought. He told us he could reason with them using a funny voice, but instead they went for the jugular. That isn’t a metaphor — three raccoons attacked his throat and left him for dead.

I’ll never forget the final words he spat at me while trying to cling to life: “Cut it out,” a comedian to the end. In my haste to save him I didn’t notice that there was a gash on my arm. Immediately I knew it came from a raccoon. It wouldn’t be long now before I was lost for good.

Now I hastily document the horrors I’ve witnessed. Sum 41 never came. The Insane Clown posse didn’t rescue us. I never got to watch City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold, instead my forehead is becoming hotter and I fear my raccoon scratch is deeply infected. I’ve sent this message to explain what it was like and if someone, anyone could help avenge us. There’s but one thought in my head as my vision begins to blur: I should have gone to “Fyre Festival” instead.

0 notes