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#As far as people go I'm one of 'em

of louche hair and gauche boys

at fifteen all we wanted was
to be pretty, to be adored 
with our short skirts, cropped shirts 
soft laughter and even softer whispers
— as if none of our opinions mattered. 
we’d paint our nails, scrub ourselves 
clean and white, gleaming white
like a brand new set of veneers, 
artificial and ready-to-go 
for boys made of pure filth;
dye our hair brown and bronze, 
chestnut and hazel and almond
(god, we must’ve been nuts!)
— so many different tones till we were 
richer than an entire forest itself. 

too rich, perhaps, for the boys with
sun-kissed skin and wind-mussed hair, 
eyes crinkling like paper 
whenever they smiled. 
i’d smile back and rein myself in
as one reins an unruly horse
venturing into the vast wilderness;
take my positions as i should,
stand beside you like a trophy 
as i hid my own, like muted gold. 

for you i became a slab of bronze, 
shushing my valors and vanities
in order to not outshine you. 
to be loved, seen and heard, 
i must neither speak nor stand. 
instead I must sit still, quiet
as you ramble on about your
grand ambitions in nothing but 
aspirational terms, empty
as a tree’s hollow cavity.

funny how I clung on to your every word
as if it were a gospel truth 
— you? oh, how wretched,
how terribly wicked!
you’re the furthest thing from God himself.
here is my curse. may you never escape 
from the endless, burning pit in my chest 
— this is your eternal damnation. 

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