#BECAUSE I AM ATTTACTED TO MEN

[gengars-exorcism]

7/14/20 - 11:25am

I never write usually this much in one day, but I guess with the aid of modern technologies it makes it easier to. I still prefer the physical book though.

I couldn’t sleep. I actually woke up at 9 finally because I was just annoyed with falling asleep and waking up 25 minutes later.

I shouldn’t be upset by this, but I am. I want to focus on why the happiness of someone I care about is upsetting me. On the surface obviously it’s because I cared for her romantically and she’s with someone but is it really that? Or am I just mad at myself because I had a full year and a half to make a move and I didn’t, or am I upset because it wouldn’t have happened at all, even if I did make a move. I think today will be like any other day recently:

1) eat a raisin bagel

2) stay in my room and watch sad anime

3) cry

4) maybe play some call of duty or smash bros

I hate being sad but I love waking up to a grey sky. It’s beautiful. Rain and grey skies usually are linked to being sad but for me they’re always linked to being happy. I’d say that “oh my mind is just hard wired differently” but I know a plenty of people who think the same thing, one of them to be her. What I’m getting to is that this morning I was greeted to a reminder of my inept decision making. 

It probably was never meant to be. Honestly. I should drop it. I have to drop women from the eqation. *Loving women I should add.

I get asked to fuck regularly. I wouldn’t say often, but a good amount. I used to think I was ugly, I still think I’m average but I wouldn’t say ugly anymore. I’m not atttactive, but I’m not ugly. I lost weight which was nice, I thought finally I can keep someone around. Turns out- it’s not the weight.

I’m just too much. I don’t want to just have one night stands though, I want to love someone, I want to be loved. I want to wake up next to someone and got to bed next to them when I come home. It’s cheesy but it what I want.

Mostly though I want someone to understand me. I feel so alone all the time. The last person I dated I had to break up with quickly. It was just weird timing and scenario, matter of fact I don’t think I’d consider it a relationship, just a mess. My highschool sweetheart however, she accepted me for who I was. She made me feel really safe and loved. I just have a feeling, no, I know I won’t find that again. I know I’ll never be able to feel that again. It sounds stupid but I know I won’t... and it’s no ones fault but my own.

I really hurt her. I didn’t beat her or assault her. I certainly didn’t rape her or anything amongst those lines, but I was in highschool and I said hurtful things. I was scared of a lot of things that were happening and instead of learning out of fear I lashed out due to fear. Not who I am today. I cheated. I kissed 2 girls at a party. Yes it was probably 4 years ago give or take, yes I’ve learnt my lesson. I was drunk but I could have said no. That’s why I don’t drink much today.

Regardless I know I’ve messed up and everyone can have a cool anime redemption arc but I just don’t feel like I deserve it, not only that, I can’t move on because no one I like emotionally wants an emotional connection... They want to fuck because I’m cute or just be my friend because I’m a good friend.

Also I think the “being tall with blue eyes is an advantage in dating” thing is a hoax lol no one cares. Nor should they.

I don’t want to sound like those guys who are like “I want a woman who’s not just beautiful, but smart” acting like women are mostly stupid, because they’re obviously not. I think what retards like that are trying to say is they want a woman that’s not only stunning but fits their core values and morals, which isn’t special because that’s what literally most people want on this planet. That’s what I want too. I don’t want one night stands (not saying they’re bad, just not my cup of tea) I want a undisclosed amount of nightly stands with a woman I truly adore.

Maybe I’m jumping the gun. Maybe I should be focused on dates, which I am. I make it seem like I just want to find a girl and be married to her within the same week but really that’s not the agenda. Dating is fun. I want dating. I want dating with the girls I fall for.

What I’ve learnt is that people I like don’t like me. I should honestly give this up. I put my heart out on display and have it literally broken each time, and it’s no ones fault but my own. I can’t force people to like me, and even if I could I wouldn’t because what would be the point. I just can’t change who I am, and no one will love who I am. Even if I’ve grown from my previous relationship. Even if I know I’d never hurt someone like that verbally, or cheat on them ever again I’m just not an attractive archetype. I can’t blame anyone because this happens, it’s just life. It’s the odds.

Life isn’t fair. I’d be lying if I said I had it the worst. There are millions of people who probably wish they could be in my shoes I’m sure of it, and I feel bad saying that.

I guess the rebuddle in this situation I’ve heard used against me is “girls like confident men”. I was confident. I was confident on dates. Confidence is really not the issue despite is seeming like it is. I’ve lost it currently but I haven’t been on a date in this current state of mind, because I don’t want to anymore.

Being confident is not the issue. It’s an umbrella term. Girls are falling for TikTok e-boys who cry about the same shit I talk about and then roll their eyes back into their skull and mass amounts of women still want to be slammed by them. The confidence rebuddle for the most part is bullshit.

It’s really just [your looks + your morals = Intrested/ Not Intrested.] Very simple. Just as much as I don’t want to date an unattractive woman, a woman doesn’t want to date an unattractive man. I think it’s fair. And sure you can make the point that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, but for the most part, if you’re actually unattractive, people will agree with that. I am not a hot person. I’m not someone’s dream looking man. I’m 6 foot sure but that means shit.

What I’m saying is that I’m not the normal level of attraction. I’m below that, and all I can do is take that L. I might envy some good looking people but I don’t wish them any misfortune just because I was dealt a shitty hand. If you’re a queen you should be slaying.

My writing is so chaotic. Okay so they didn’t want me because I’m below average in looks and my personality is too strong, I’ll never get a girl I’m looking for, and I refuse to settle for someone I don’t find myself wanting because I’m not desperate trash. I’m accepting this L. Women I like will never like me. I hope they all do well, I hope they all strive. They deserve the best and that’s from the bottom of my heart. I’m hurt but it doesn’t mean they have to hurt just because I wasn’t what they were looking for. It be hypocritical of myself to judge them and their wants when clearly I’m a picky person & set in my ways myself.

It won’t stop me from peeping Instagram and upsetting myself. Curiosity killed the cat.

[gabzg11]

I am so tired of being without Grant. I fucking hate my life without the man I love with every bit of my soul. My family has zero say on my life and love life, the men from my past that aren’t Grant are dead to me. I don’t care about men from work, and I need to be loved back by Grant. Because that is fucking fair. God is going to lose me if he doesn’t give me the one Christmas wish I asked for, to be a family and back together with Grant. If he can’t even give me something that doesn’t cost money, then I don’t believe he actually is listening to my prayers. Love is the only thing that cannot be atttacted, bought, or even found unless you really believe in it... but I can’t be the only one believing and putting the effort in. I WILL NOT CHASE HIM. HE WILL LOSE ME JUST LIKE GOD IF HE DOESNT TALK TO ME BY NEW YEARS EVE. God has had plenty of time to fix this. I have been patient long enough... I have been through enough torment, and I will not accept half assed love, affection, attention or stupid repeats that my family have already experienced or that I have already had to rebuild myself from. Fuck everyone if they think life isn’t a fairytale or that love cannot be, because it is... you just can’t be with family members, people, or anyone who doesn’t feel the same way. I am not my dad or anybody else who doesn’t believe in the best possible love life for me... to me, that man is Grant, and his bad shit removed by faith and prayer. I am so deserving of a life where I’m not crying at home and not alone without my own children. I hope God, and the universe and Grant feel every tear that I shed and the pain it comes from, because of loneliness and hurt and abuse and torment and neglect. I know exactly why I love Grant and of love isn’t enough... I don’t want to be alive anymore.

[gabzg11]

I love Grant, but I want and deserve so much better because of the way he has treated me. The problem is I love him so much. So stop fucking around god and do something already. If you want me to move on give me someone way better who is attractive and not a dweeb or skinny or short or old or full of shit... no blonde guys no assholes no cheaters no fat guys and no small dicks! You see how much I get excited about the men I think are attractive, it sure as hell isnt their money.... but I actually do deserve to be spoiled and treated like a queen. Not like a piece of shit.... If you actually expect me to heal and move on then fucking stop slacking and messing around with my emotions. Answer prayers about this tonight or I won’t pray anymore. I’m tired of repeating myself and being made to feel alone for so long and so many years. I am so far beyond thankful for everything but I’m starting to give up because you keep letting me down everyday with real intimate lasting love that will stay. Someone I WANT. The past is dead to me.... all of those men are dead to me.... if you want me to be excited, then stop acting like you don’t know what makes me happy. Love is not a fucking game. It never has been. The more you surround me with men that I’m unattrcted to, the more I want to die. Because I’ll never settle for someone I’m not atttacted to.... physically, sexually, emotionally, psychologically, spiritually, and whatever else I missed. The more you put me around men that I don’t want the less I have faith. The more you don’t surround me with anyone I consider a genuine opportunity or genuinely attractive, the more I feel like I should just keep loving Grant. So you better do something because I’m completely fed up with speaking to you about all of it. I deserve to laugh everyday with the man I want to marry not cry because I’m alone.

#fuckthepast