#BLMATSU DNI EVER!!!!!!! | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

irkimatsu · 5 years

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Well, I guess Ichi Day is as good a day as ever to kinda vent about Ichi stuff.

TLDR I still whole-heartedly ship myself with Ichi, I still love him to death... but I’ve been feeling weird about interacting with content that can help me appease that side of me, and I know no one owes me their comfort, but it’s making me feel weird about myself, like I have a horrible itch that’s socially inappropriate for me to scratch

Mentions about the fact that yeah I ship a BLMatsu ship under the cut, since that’s the crux of this whole thing, I don’t go into much detail but the ship name is just out there, waving in the wind

I’ve been growing more and more afraid that people are gonna believe that I’ve lost romantic interest in Ichi... it’s not true at all! I still adore him! I still have my plush, I still dream about cuddling and kissing him and touching his body all the damn time! It hasn’t died at all! I love him, love him, love him!

...but I haven’t been posting much content about that recently, not original or reblogged... I’ve been... afraid to. Generic stuff has mostly been fine because the OP almost certainly doesn’t know who I am (though if I ever became aware of a DNI I’m violating I’d stop), but with Ichi-specific content, where the OP definitely knows about what I admitted a few months ago and why it’s an uncomfortable thing to put out there...

I know people don’t owe me access to their content! I’m determined to respect all DNIs! I don’t want to muscle into a community that doesn’t want people like me!

But... people like me... I still love IchiJyushi, too... I never dream of Jyushi “winning” instead of me. It’s always either totally platonic in that specific iteration; one-sided on Ichi’s part but he’s made enough peace for it to not interfere with his relationship with me; they got that out of their systems before I ever entered the picture and Ichi has again made peace; or maaaaaaybe poly but that really doesn’t work for me romantically, even if I don’t have to feel that way for Jyushi, I just can’t share Ichi romantically for more than a brief scenario for the sake of his happiness, sharing is best left in contexts that don’t belong on Tumblr anymore. I can easily ship that and Irkimatsu on their own terms, keep them in their own boxes that don’t cross-contaminate too much. If anything, IchiJyushi is my way of entrusting Ichi to someone who I’m sure loves him as much as I do in those instances of the multiverse where I don’t exist; it’s not me losing, it’s me not wanting there to be any outcome where Ichi isn’t getting the love he deserves. (Okay, yeah, I didn’t need to be so weird about that, but the shipping heart does what it will, I suppose. I tried more acceptable Ichi ships. They didn’t do it for me. This is the one canon/Ichi ship that made me feel anything worth a damn.)

But if you ask me which ship I prefer - Irkimatsu, IchiJyushi, or even throw JyushiHomu in there - I don’t know! I love all the options! They’re all good options! Options where people are getting the love they deserve!

So I can’t say, oh, I really prioritize Irkimatsu, IchiJyushi is just a backup, so that means I can still play in the self-insert community, right? Even if the ship was totally innocent and fine, I’d feel a little off about caring so much for it... add in the fact that I can imagine, even encourage, my beloved F/O to pursue something so ill-advised, and I feel even more off. Maybe not off to me personally, but off enough that I shouldn’t be inflicting myself on a community that would find that unforgivable.

And it’s just... been lonely, recently. Sometimes when I see a good reader-insert post with Ichi, or just an attractive drawing of him that stokes my emotions for him, I get excited... and then guilty for emotionally interacting with a piece possibly posted by someone who would rather people like me didn’t see it. Pardon the hyperbole, but I feel like poison that can degrade whatever I touch. And that should be fine - like I said, no one owes me access to their thoughts. But it’s been making it harder for me to engage with Ichi in the ways that I’d like to, and it sucks.

I know I brought it on myself, but it sucks.

I’ll consider myself a self-insert shipper with Ichi until the day comes that I don’t care about Matsus anymore. (This may be never, or at least not until the show can go a year or two without new content.) But a member of the self-insert shipping community... I dunno. I know I shouldn’t. Those feelings must stay in my head, where they don’t put the discomfort of “one of those people feels the same way about Ichi that I do” onto other people.

(It might also be worth noting that a friend has recently gotten me tentatively into another Ichi ship. It’s one that stays in high school, runs the gamut between “casual relationship that Ichi enjoyed but it just wasn’t meant to be” and “asshole who strung him along and broke his heart”, and could easily be torpedoed by the movie because I don’t actually know the other guy’s personality, but it’s there. How many Ichi ships can I have before “I really do love him and am happiest when we’re monogamous” becomes hollow?)

I guess... I’m jealous, not of Jyushi, not of Ichi’s high school partner, but of other self-insert shippers who managed to do this “right”. I tried doing it right. It hurt my relationship with him in the end, like I was denying his happiness - and mine. He didn’t like it when I lied to myself about what I wanted to read and write, and he never expressed discomfort about my shipping, because damn it the Ichi in my head does feel that way about Jyushi, so...

Augh, I don’t know. There’s really nowhere I can talk about this, since these two paths just shouldn’t cross. I’m feeling adrift recently. I dunno.

Reading this again makes me feel a little unhinged, talking about Ichi like he can provide any actual input... but that’s how my brain interprets it. God bless autism, I guess, or whatever it is that’s causing this.

I love Ichi, Ichi loves me, please never doubt that, even if I can’t say it out loud much anymore.

#irk blubbers about nothing #irk is so lonely

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irkimatsu · 5 years

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BYF

Making this as a post so I can link to it through my about, for mobile’s sake; some of this is already in my about, but that does look cluttered on mobile, so maybe people missed it?

I make this post for your sake, not mine; I don’t generally care who follows me, but the idea of being followed by people who don’t actually want to freaks me out, so...

I’m old by fandom standards; 27 at the time of this writing, and not getting any younger. If minors want to follow me for the sake of fluffy fanfiction and SFW shitposts, that’s on them, but it’s not like I’m out to lure kids here under false pretenses or anything. I’m old. Do what you will with that fact.

My opinions on fandom are rather loose; I don’t generally care what kind of fiction people are into. Most relevantly to my main fandom, I do ship a BLMatsu ship; IchiJyushi, specifically. I won't really post about it, but they're special to me. I also don’t care if people ship rivals together, or like villain characters, or watch shows with imperfect rep, or whatever the fuck is going on anymore. I don’t care. I struggle to even keep up with all these rules. I don’t care.

That said, discourse gives me a rash, so I rarely-if-ever post about it and am exceedingly unlikely to answer messages about it, especially if I feel it’s in bad faith.

Followers with a BYF/DNI page that I violate (”do not follow if over 20″, “do not interact if you think it’s okay to like Bad Fiction”, and so forth) will be softblocked, for the sake of my comfort, unless I’m explicitly told it’s okay. But if I’m not told, I’ll just assume that someone saw me in a fandom tag and followed without looking directly at my page, and I’ll respond accordingly. I’m not here to make people uncomfortable.

#irk blubbers about nothing

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