#BUT DONT DRAG EVERYONE ELSE'S HEART THRU THAT MESS

[thezeekrecord]

GAGEGN ch9

[index/summary]

REPORT: Regarding the unexpected return of subject "Benry"

Benry was in his house.

After years of studying the strange hole in reality that Benry had resided in, years of hoping he would wake from his coma someday, and a video game world that made it impossible for him to question either of those things, Tommy finally had a chance to talk to Benry. As soon as he was done biting into uncooked instant ramen blocks.

“Umm, do you want that cooked?” Darnold offered hesitantly.

“Cooked?” Benry echoed before crunching loudly into it again.

Darnold didn’t reply.

Benry had gone out of his way to move one of the nice barstools Tommy and Darnold had picked out, sitting behind the bar section in their kitchen in his metal chair he’d set out again. The counter was too tall, giving Benry the effect of looking comically small as he peered over the countertop at Tommy and Darnold.

“So...where have you been all this time?” Tommy finally settled to ask him.

“Squatter’s rights, bro.” Benry replied.

“You were squatting this whole time?” Darnold questioned.

“Yeah, why didn’t you—uhh, well...” Tommy stopped, remembering the way Mr. Freeman had threatened Benry with a flaming spoon. Maybe squatting was the better alternative after all. “Never mind.”

Benry took another loud bite of his ramen block.

“Umm...Benry...” Tommy began, pausing when Benry took another bite, “can I ask you—uhh, about the Nihilanth project?”

Tommy noticed Darnold’s curious look as they waited for a response from Benry. After everything, Tommy had never even brought up the Nihilanth project with him—not intentionally, there was just so much else to discuss.

“Wha...?” Benry asked.

“The project that I was—where we met?” Tommy fumbled. “If you remember that at all, I—it’s kind of...a surprise to see you, actually.”

“I haven’t been gone that long, man, I dunno...”

Tommy bit his lower lip in frustration. He didn’t blame Benry for being confused—he was more exhausted with his own inability to articulate what he was trying to say after so long. He took a moment to grab himself a soda from the fridge, cracking it open and taking a long sip as he got his thoughts together. Finally, he tried again.

“How far back do you remember?” Tommy asked.

“I dunno, man.”

“...Do you remember before, uhh, before the game started?”

“No.” Benry answered simply, crunching on the last of the ramen block. He got up from his chair, Sunkist eagerly approaching to eat the crumbs that fell from Benry’s lap to the floor as he tore open a new one and opened the microwave. Tommy and Darnold watched Benry microwave a completely raw block of noodles with no water, not even a bowl or a plate, for about a minute as smoke began to billow up inside.

“I think it’s done.” Darnold commented.

“Oh, damn.” Benry opened the microwave, releasing a small plume of smoke and taking out the block, burnt in several places.

“So...you don’t remember when we met? At all?” Tommy asked slowly.

“Yeah, we were, uhhh...” Benry put a finger to his chin. “We used to play on uhh, whaddya call ‘em. Like a ladder, but the other way.”

“...Huh?”

“The monkey bars?” Darnold filled in helpfully.

“Yeah, that. We used to play on those when we were kids.” Benry declared before taking a massive bite out of his block of burnt ramen. Sunkist, finished with the aftermath of the first one, trotted to Benry’s feet to await more crumbs. Benry continued talking with his mouth full. “We’d hide when recess ended so the teachers wouldn’t see us. Great shit.”

Tommy frowned deeply, tapping his fingers together. “...Benry, I don’t think that’s true.”

Benry shrugged.

“You were a—you were a guard in the Lambda lab.” Tommy began to explain. “Everyone called you ‘Ben’, not Benry. We used to, uhh, talk about video games. Then...you...disappeared. Dr. Coomer said, umm, apparently, you thought you saw something in the chamber. And—and—the Nihilanth, it was...if you went in, you were teleported around a bunch, but you ended up staying—you were stuck in a void, and I pulled you out. You ended up in a coma, and the Nihilanth disappeared. I—I got transferred out of the Lambda lab, though, and I never saw you again until the game started.”

Benry nodded. “Okay.”

Tommy could only stare at Benry.

“Ummm...do you remember any of that, Benry?” Darnold asked on his behalf.

“Huh? No.”

Tommy let out a quiet sigh. “Yeah, I um, it makes sense that you don’t...that you don’t remember.” He said. “I just...well...I guess I don’t actually know all that much about you. Not really.”

Benry’s usually deadpan expression turned heartbroken in an instant. “What? Man, but we’re best friends, right? I thought we were best friends.”

“We are friends!” Tommy agreed quickly. “It’s just—I don’t know. I...why did you attack us, Benry?”

“Huh?”

Tommy wasn’t sure how to make himself any clearer in that moment, so he remained silent.

Benry finished off his second block of ramen. “Yo, can I stay here tonight? I got kicked outta the house I was squatting in.”

“Uhhh—yeah, of course. But Benry—”

“Sick. I just gotta go get my stuff.”

Tommy reached out, taking Benry’s wrist to stop him as he started to leave. “Benry, could you wait a second, please?”

Benry turned back to look at Tommy expectantly.

“I just—you’re my friend, Benry, that’s not...” Tommy stopped, frowning as it grew more difficult to speak. “I just wanna understand. We don’t need to...have a big...thing, I just wanna know why.”

Benry stared at Tommy for a long moment. “...Why I what?”

Tommy took a deep breath to steady himself. “Why you attacked us at the end.”

Benry threw his head back and let out a long groan. “I don’t know, man, what’s it matter? It was in the game, it’s not like you could’ve died or anything.”

Tommy pressed his lips into a thin line, his ability to speak officially obliterated by that. When he didn’t give a response, Benry shrugged and simply disappeared into thin air. Tommy sighed deeply, rubbing his face in his hands. Sunkist nudged her head against Tommy’s elbow comfortingly, and he relaxed a little as he knelt down and buried his face into her fur. Tommy looked to his side, watching Darnold sit down awkwardly cross-legged beside him.

“Umm—do you wanna be alone? Should I go?” Darnold asked suddenly.

Tommy smiled a little, shaking his head.

Darnold nodded. “Okay. Ummm...jeez. He’s hard to talk to, huh?”

Tommy shrugged. He turned over to lay on his back, head rested against Sunkist as he pulled out his cell phone and flipped it open to navigate to his text history with Darnold. TOMMY: im sure i probably just need another approach TOMMY: hes not the same as he used to be TOMMY: i wanna be patient w him b/c hes been thru a lot TOMMY: but TOMMY: im pretty upset about it all to be honest :(

Darnold flipped his phone open, reading over Tommy’s texts carefully.

“...Yeah, it seems like a whole complicated mess.” Darnold replied, rubbing the back of his head awkwardly. “I get that you wanna be patient with him, but I mean, you deserve to have the space to be upset, Tommy. Even if you couldn’t have died, it still sucks he did that.” TOMMY: but what if there was a reason?? :( TOMMY: i dont wanna make an ass of myself if there was a good reason

“Well, to be fair, he’s kinda making an ass of himself already.” Darnold said flatly. “Also, I kinda find it hard to believe there’s some big intricate reason for him to do that. I find it pretty easy not to just attack my friends out of nowhere, personally.”

Tommy snickered a little. TOMMY: i get where ur coming from TOMMY: i still wanna hold out tho TOMMY: i feel like theres something were missing TOMMY: u know?

Darnold nodded. “Yeah, well, if that’s what you want, I support it. Just don’t overextend yourself or anything, alright?”

Tommy nodded as well. TOMMY: thanks darnold :)

****

“It’s just—I thought we were finally rid of him! I thought he’d fucked off forever, and then he just goes ahead and shows up at my house, with absolutely no warning?! Typical Benry.”

Dr. Coomer and Bubby sat together on Gordon’s couch, watching him pace back and forth in the living room.

“Well—” Dr. Coomer tried to start.

“At my house! Where my son lives! If he shows up while we’re out robbing banks or whatever, fine. I hate it, but fine, it’s not like I can stop him, right? But he could at least have the decency to let me have just one space that feels safe. Just one.” Gordon prattled on, waving his arms around furiously as he spoke.

“Gordon—” Bubby tried.

“I just want to feel like I can move on with my life! That’s all I want, I wanna forget about everything that happened with the resonance cascade! Everything could be perfect, I don’t have to worry about money anymore, I can just focus on raising Josh, but if he can just come into my house any time he fucking wants, I—”

“Gordon!” Bubby snapped.

Gordon stopped, looking at Bubby with wide eyes. Bubby turned pointedly to Dr. Coomer, leaning back and crossing his arms.

“Well, Gordon, I understand you’re upset. You have a right to be.” Dr. Coomer began, standing and placing a hand on his shoulder. “I believe you may need to sit down, though.”

“Huh? No, I’m fine.” Gordon said. It was only just now, though, as he finally stopped talking, that he noticed his heart was racing.

“Come along, Gordon, have a seat.” Dr. Coomer insisted. He practically dragged Gordon to the couch, sitting him down and plopping down beside him with a comforting arm over his shoulders. “I’m more than happy to listen if you need to vent your anger, but right now, you seem a little overwhelmed.”

“I’m not overwhelmed!” Gordon argued instinctively. “I love you guys, and I appreciate everything you’re trying to do, but I’m not fragile.”

Dr. Coomer exchanged a look with Bubby before turning back to Gordon. “...If you need space, that’s alright. I just want you to know we’re here for you if you need.”

“Thank you, Dr. Coomer, I...” Gordon forced a deep breath, in and out. “I just need you to let me handle this shit on my own. Okay?”

Dr. Coomer nodded hesitantly. “...Should we go?”

“Uhhh...” Gordon leaned forward, propping his elbows up on his knees and burying his face in his hands. “Y-yeah. I need some quiet. I-it’s not anything against you, I promise, it’s just...yeah.”

Gordon felt the couch shifting as Dr. Coomer and Bubby stood. He felt Dr. Coomer squeezing his shoulder for a moment as Bubby’s footsteps grew distant.

“You can call me any time you need me, Gordon.” Dr. Coomer said gently.

Gordon nodded. “I know. Thanks, Dr. Coomer.”

Dr. Coomer followed Bubby out of the house. Gordon dragged himself to his feet, heading up the stairs with light footsteps. He nudged Joshua’s door open just a little, relaxing as always at the sight of his son sleeping soundly, despite all the ruckus just a few minutes before. Then, he headed to his own bedroom with his freshly built bed, most of his belongings still in boxes. Leaving the hall light on and his door slightly ajar to let the light stream into his room, Gordon flopped down into his bed.

He didn’t get much sleep. How could he? Every sound outside jolted him awake, making him deeply miss the weight of a heavy shotgun in his hands. It was a comforting weight, reassuring that he wasn’t defenseless against anything that tried to get the jump on him. At the very least, with the excuse of building furniture, Gordon now had a heavy hammer to keep by his bedside table that he could reach for in his moments of panic. He held it now, close to his chest, after he’d been woken by the sound of someone talking on their phone outside.

Gordon forced out a deep breath, setting it back on the bedside table with a gentle clunk. If his friends saw him like this, they’d double down on their attempts to help, he was sure—and he wasn’t stupid, he knew this wasn’t normal. Above everything else, though, it was embarrassing. He’d been the guy who led them to a safe place, he should know better than anyone else that it was all going to be okay; and he knew it logically, but he couldn’t stop the kneejerk, gut fear reactions. And if he wasn’t alone in this, surely his friends already had enough on their plates. He couldn’t ask them to divert their energy into reassuring him it was going to be okay. This was something he was going to have to handle on his own.

For their sake.

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[punkscowardschampions]

Indie & Rio

Indie: can we chat? Rio: 'Course we can Indie: you still mad tho? Rio: No Rio: Serious Indie: me either Indie: my heart b heavy but not w that Rio: What's wrong, babe? Indie: all things Indie: its bad here Rio: How bad? Indie: dred like i dont wanna drag you back in but i cant cope w it Rio: Don't worry about me Rio: I'll have to sort some stuff here but how soon do you need me back Rio: and what can I do 'til then, like Indie: let me be w you i wont 2s mckenna or no thing Indie: but i gotta be out Indie: theres too many fucking situations Rio: alright Rio: of course Rio: i'll sort the uber now, where am I sending it Rio: is it the things i know or has something else, or multiple something else's happened? Indie: [sends random ass location because honestly where the fuck she wanna be rn] Indie: theres more and worse Indie: how you want it? Rio: First tell me you're safe Rio: then tell me however's easiest for you Indie: I'm proper high rn are they gonna let me come to london? Rio: Yeah, obviously don't bring anything but if it's gone it's gone Rio: You'll be fine Indie: safe Indie: i got none left to bring Indie: it been like that Rio: Damn Rio: Say no more, but do Indie: i get why my ma werent trying to do nothing but this Indie: cept its there still when you come thru Rio: That's the problem Indie: cant keep it goin innit cant keep no thing goin Indie: cant keep drew from wildin acting like a younger bringin feds to my door and my boy on my back cos hes fave target Indie: neither chatting to me like i done this Indie: did i? idk Rio: Nah, you didn't Rio: I can't even expand on it because just no, how could it be you Indie: thats how the boy treating me like i livin for the drama Indie: but the feds want drew in the pen & thats how he want it cos theres nothing left for him to fuck up in these ends Indie: i cant stop it none Rio: That ain't you though Rio: and who would be about this shit, it's the worst Rio: As for Drew Rio: I'm sorry Rio: We've been here before, there's no talking to him when he's in that space Rio: and that isn't on you Indie: every day we on this he be spitting angry at me throwing shit around but acting like im the one creating Indie: its too hard Indie: and yeah then theres drew back on his bullshit Indie: w the only apology yours to hold cos he aint offering Indie: i want him gone & i put that out into the universe so mayb i did it Indie: this is proper gone tho & that baby gonna be born soon Rio: Oh babe Rio: He don't know you like that, he shouldn't be treating you like that, standard Rio: even if you were the biggest drama queen in the world but you ain't and he got you so fucked up on that Rio: Nah, he's doing it all himself, even if you thought you wanted it or still do if not this way Rio: you can't make him do the dirt he do, or make him not Rio: The baby will be good, it'll have it's Ma and Bea is staying with her still and everyone else, you know it'll be okay Rio: what about you though baby Indie: how i let him chat to me that way? who am i rn? wtf Indie: i just want our yard back and you back and things to be what they were Indie: but its not Indie: cos even if we there what kinda ma she trying to be for real? im spinning out but like where in the universe is she @ Indie: & none of this is gonna hurt you most Indie: thats the last thing i aint chatted Rio: We've all put up with shit we shouldn't have Rio: 'cos we thought it'd pay off Rio: You ain't alone in that, nor does it make you less you even if it makes you feel less altogether Rio: I can try to talk to Drew, about the flat, idk if I can make that happen but if he goes jail he loses his lease, he only kept it in the past 'cos his boss' would pay it if he dealt inside, like but he ain't got the clout he used to have Rio: accept it or nah, no doubt we could chat about me taking it on if it comes to that but i ain't making promises Rio: I know but, you gotta trust we will all be there for damage control Rio: we're all alright ish, yeah? Rio: Go ahead, babe, I can handle it Indie: i got caught up cos i wanted someone to be for me & about me one time & everyone else has somewhere to lean Indie: you and mckenna being goals in my face Indie: everything else was a mess but i just added Indie: and now she has Indie: cos what i gotta tell you is bills told me edie be gone Indie: hardcore packed up and run out Rio: i know there's nothing i can say to make you feel less shit about it but i swear to you babe, we've all been there Rio: you know i have Rio: it doesn't make it better for you but it ain't your fuckup, it's one we all go through to grow through, yeah? no bullshit Rio: she did talk to buster but Rio: i didn't think it'd be anything more than normal Rio: i'll tell ma Indie: i reckoned bills was gonna cry she was carrying that much worry Indie: i aint no what to tell her Rio: I'll talk to her too Rio: I don't know what I'll say but Rio: it'll be alright, we can sort this Indie: i been swerving dem all hard as you Indie: more than she got detention for how hard she was trying to hit me up she said Indie: doing everyone the dirtiest ever why i gotta leave Rio: I can't blame you Rio: This shit is hard Rio: and painful Rio: I'm sorry I left you alone Indie: he aint try and fuck me i got no excuses Indie: [sends selfie] am I 😢 I can't feel it so what you seeing? Indie: not trying to be out here in the wild 💔😭 Rio: Baby calm down okay, you're good Rio: Your flight is booked and the uber is en-route Rio: I sent all your deets to you, all you gotta do is get here Rio: we're gonna sort all this okay and the shit we can't we gonna make bearable at least Indie: i dont have anything tho cant b living in mckennas garms after the last Indie: he gon b mad enough im rolling up likely Rio: No he won't Rio: I got plenty of shit you can borrow don't stress on that Rio: Nance has got a mental wardrobe here too Indie: o yeah other mckenna Indie: always sleeping on her living there too Indie: she aint but she do Rio: Exactly, I've had to borrow her bed loads of times before and you know they living that en-suite life Rio: you can stay for as long as you need Indie: innit what school gon do put drew in prison? 😂 Rio: Tbh Rio: In the grand scheme of things, that doesn't matter rn, soz teachers Indie: ill screenshot them words like my ma says Rio: I missed you Indie: safe cos imma be in your face soon Rio: wish it was under better circumstances, like Rio: but we'll get there Indie: @ the age to have a breakdown once a wk soz bout it 😂 Rio: that i can handle Rio: nothing that a pint of ben & jerry's and some chill time can't Indie: warn mckenna to lock up his squad & we all good Rio: 😏 Will do Rio: he's not really rolling with them rn so temptation should be outta the way Indie: 😍💍 be like Indie: i feel it Rio: Erm I ain't that hoe 😣😂 Indie: theres how you say & how you do bitch 😏💘😂 Indie: 👀 you from the front row in a few Rio: 🙄😔 am I really that bad Indie: nah nah Indie: mckenna be amp as Indie: its a good link Rio: Yeah but I mean Rio: do you feel like I've been ignoring you Rio: pre you know, that bullshit Indie: allow it babe Indie: you never done nobody that way Rio: Promise Rio: 'cos that ever what I was trying to be Indie: you always on the clock & your game Indie: trust Rio: Alright, 'nuff about me Rio: is there anything else you need, either now or for when you get here? Indie: gon need to grab my shit while 👻ing this boy Indie: standard juggle Indie: if hes been holding that long & not dashed it out ill break in Rio: You're gonna take some mates with you, yeah? Indie: bitch please i dont need the lads knoing my business that hard Rio: is it a good idea tho, even if he got his own van u kno they all got each other's backs, like Rio: be careful, all i'm saying Indie: they aint gonna call the feds on me man Indie: ill leave it til im back need a clearer head than this for a lock pick Rio: Yeah, don't worry 'bout it now Rio: anything replaceable we can sort now Indie: im not tryin to lose my head over things rn Indie: if imma be in london i got what i need Rio: That's the main thing Rio: and I ain't gonna come at you with 20 questions either, like Rio: space can include from me, just lemme know what you're feeling Indie: i been had enough space from you girl Indie: i miss you Rio: was hoping you'd say that Indie: i love you more than Indie: thats the mood Rio: i love you too Rio: no outs Indie: dont lets lose each other again Indie: 💖💖 Rio: never 🧡 Indie: how long this uber tryna be im 😫😫😫 Indie: imma b sleepin on this wall like i kicking it nursery rhyme vibes Rio: it's saying it's nearly there on the app Rio: if you gonna crash at the airport make sure you near the gate tho Indie: safe Indie: o sick idea Indie: the plane not trying to be up long enough for that shit tho innit Rio: legit its as quick as the bus into town like Rio: be here in no time Indie: its a madness Rio: yeah, see, it's not that far really Indie: feels like Indie: but mayb thats just how i want it so i can 👻 this town harder than afore Rio: it's far enough for that Rio: ain't letting drew out the country are they Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: not less they start deporting crooks old school like when 🐨 country just one big pen Rio: He wishes Rio: always got his top off like we living that life here Indie: fr like he needs a tan to appear more peng nah nah Rio: if we wanna get a new wifey Rio: least if she out there we unlikely to be related to her so go off Indie: true true Indie: unless he tryna head to spain for my nan we all good Rio: 😬 Rio: yikes, not a mental image we need Indie: idk i hear she keeps things tight & fresh Indie: hes done worse Rio: Stop 😩 Rio: 'less you gonna bring me one of them sick bags Indie: get you a straw donkey when he drag me out there for the 💒 Indie: i got you Rio: when u don't wanna be nan but u down to be ma Indie: least she too old to put a 👶 in Indie: & it aint like being down to be ma is top of his list for how he want his wifeys Indie: that ones just for you like Indie: ro not trying to mother me no mind the one she growing rn Rio: Fair Rio: Willing to put up with his shit and mother him is clearly more vital Rio: 'low it with the mommy issues like he's the only one going without Rio: twat Indie: o snap Indie: just cos yours aint want you boy dont mean you gotta kill mine tho Rio: o snapped too soon Rio: but he ain't get snapped on enough for that Indie: when he offering you dem same goodies ☠ Indie: thanks dad Indie: you a real one Rio: waste Rio: he's so fucked Indie: i was 👍 Indie: down & out Indie: what that make me? Rio: you a kid Rio: not chatting down to you, but you allowed to be is what I mean Rio: he's grown and he caused your shit, he should know and do better so you could Rio: literally his job Indie: idc now if he show up for astrid thatd do man Indie: grown past him still Rio: Yeah Rio: we'll have to wait n see if he can be arsed to prove himself Rio: idk if he's been allowed near since you know Indie: not from what ive 👂 Indie: coulda changed since he stopped chatting at me tho Indie: or he coulda just been chattin it so it dont look his fault he swervin Rio: wouldn't blame them from keeping him away rn, your hormones are fucked and she's never had much sense when it came to him Rio: but i don't know if it's a forever deal or what Indie: i can see her lawin it cos he burned her so hard w this Indie: proper owned Indie: she aint tryin to let you come thru & you fam so Rio: well you know Indie: cant call her out that hard when it aint that different from how my ma tryin to be when Indie: they all 🤡 for him Rio: yeah Rio: i don't get it Rio: whatever, he's good looking Indie: so your da he aint a wasteman w it Rio: it's easier to be treated like shit sometimes though than accept the love init Indie: call out 🔫 at me bitch Rio: not what i was going for Rio: just saying he ain't special with it, we all do it Indie: 👀 you Rio: 😏 shh Indie: 😂 Rio: neway Rio: he's out, yeah? Indie: innit Rio: 👍 Indie: how you livin Indie: gimme dat 411 Rio: yeah good tbh, the place where i work is cool Rio: i'm just doing promo stuff 'cos i don't wanna get too into anything obvs but it's fun, not dry like the angel was getting Indie: sick! they gonna let me in or ⛔ Rio: see what i can do Rio: sure we get u made up no one gonna be too amp Indie: dont 🤡 me Indie: keep it 💋 Rio: oi don't be doubting my skillz Rio: you ever seen me out like that 😂 rude Indie: doubtin my ability to carry all that Indie: you ever seen me in 👠 bitch Rio: you don't need 'em when you out with me Rio: only just be touching your height in mine so Indie: 😂😂😂 Rio: 😣 be looking stupid short 'round here Indie: you will stand w mckenna Rio: what i'm sayin Indie: 😍 gotta travel far 💖💖 baby Indie: good thing he extra too Rio: 😂 Indie: hows the love Rio: I don't wanna be extra about it at you Rio: but it is good Rio: and no one totally flipped shit on it so Indie: im not that 💔💔💔 you cant speak on it Indie: boy dont get to do me dirty and keep me pining long Rio: That's my girl Rio: 💪 Indie: throw shit @ me again he gon catch these hands Rio: serious, what a cunt Rio: he ain't gonna have the chance Indie: do me a solid & dont tell the fam yeah? your ma only just calmin after wanting to merk drew Rio: 'course Rio: you got it handled Rio: they don't need to know every little thing Indie: i did nearly run there the other thinkin i was gonna be baby'd up same time as my step ma near Indie: but nah 🍀 Rio: remind me to take you drs yeah Rio: 😰 Indie: its chill i not letting any lads near me in the 24 or out of Rio: still, with your memory, i don't think the pill is the one we'll get you the implant maybe Rio: or the coil, they last time Indie: sexy Indie: he was wrapped but it got fucked up idk was wild Indie: get them posho london drs to sort me 😂😂😂 Rio: nah you wanna be the one in control of that shit babe trust Indie: 👑👑👑 Indie: i feel that Rio: boys be mad dumb that shit could be old or ripped there's no telling Indie: fr 😒😒🙄🙄 Indie: he only got a year on me too idc how many girls he tryna chat he been w he dont kno that much Rio: You can defs take off at least 20% of whatever he chatting Rio: Trust Indie: serious? Rio: Probably Rio: or think about how many of them were like Rio: 5 minute fumbles at parties and shit Rio: doesn't really do much for your game even if its a numbers booster Indie: tell me mckennas i wont say shit to him swear down Rio: 😂 i would but idk Rio: i ain't asked Indie: girl WHAT Indie: bitch imma do it for you Indie: we taking off like 90% for him 'cause how he like to chat or nah? Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Rio: I can imagine like, I don't need confirmation Rio: Poor baby 😂 Indie: do he kno your numbers? Rio: Nope Rio: 'less he tryna keep track like that which I doubt lmao Indie: its jam we can keep em on 🔒 Rio: Idc I'd tell you Rio: but he ain't wanna know trust Indie: boy too jel Indie: how they all be Rio: you know Indie: drew be tellin me how to do w my body like he something to me so we can let mckenna stand Rio: yeah that's a whole nother thing Rio: that ain't cute or wanted Indie: he aint 😂😂😂 Rio: truth hurts 😂 Indie: innit tho Rio: ur uber says its there so pull up Indie: i be waving to someone Indie: gotta b Rio: kinda excited even though it's cos everything is shit Indie: it me you gotta be hype 💖💖💖 Rio: That's alright then 😘 Indie: what mckenna say bout it? Rio: He's cool, gonna talk to his Dad so we don't have to Rio: getting food too to show he can, like Indie: trying to flex o boy Rio: ever since you dissed him Rio: gotta get good Indie: he need be told 👌 Indie: bring 🍔 🍕🍟 any of Indie: it aint hard if you smart Rio: idk if he taking orders but i'll let him know 😏 Indie: hit him w a screenshot and add 🥊 or 💪 Indie: 💍💍💍 life be like Rio: You have no idea babe Rio: getting it from both of yous again now 😜 Indie: is it? he wearin the 👖 thats how you 😍😍 Indie: i been knew Indie: 💘💘💘 Rio: Shut up 😩 Rio: That just how it be in the bedroom don't get it twisted Indie: 😏😏 when he such a daddy you let him wear the 👑 out 😏😏😏 Rio: yeah you lucky you still a flight away Rio: 🥊 'fore 💋 forreal Indie: 😂😂😂😂

[vikab]

p5 thoughts

After having drawn so much fanart of p5 (most of it being Yusuke) before the game even came out, even with my hype when I started playing on the release date, I only FINALLY finished persona 5 OTL

Below will be my mini-review and thoughts on the game?? spoilers are gonna here on the entire game

Total playtime - 87 hours 40 minutes

OK this is gonna be disorganized mess but i will try to be .. not messy Story: The story unfortunately was very weak :(  Like the game had an AMAZING start and it was tackling really important issues. I really started to care about Ryuji and Ann and their goals. Then Yusuke joins and I thought the game was just heading in perfect direction. Then I felt off during Kaneshiro’s arc as Makoto did not really feel .. really into the whole PT thing?? sorry Makoto fans i love her but she felt rly overrated... anyway Futaba’s arc no doubt was my favorite but then the game really started falling apart. like lets not talk about the whole series of events that were Morgana leaving the team that was straight up BAD. the pacing picked up a bit for the Casino dungeon and it was really intense then its Shido and thing kinda... fell back into this weird pacing ... Ah yes, let’s just wait 20 days to see if Shido has a change of heart or we die. After that the pacing was still all over the place then the huge plottwist happens. I knew about it but still liked it! The last arc had on point emotions and feels so it felt like a good ending to the game.  SEVERE PACING ISSUES KILL THE GAME FOR ME THOUGH.   I get that they still wanted the calendar system but honestly i dont think it worked any huge favors for the game . .. anyway yeah the game started amazing then dropped close to death then picked up again but not as good as the beginning Characters: I have not managed to finish a lot of confidants so near the end the parts where confidants help out it was .. very lacking lol .. . if that part wasnt so depended on the confidants that you have finished.... But overall the characters were good. Pacing of the story and the story itself did not do any justice to them I think and it feels bad bc everyone had so much potential but having a big cast it was obvious that not everyone was getting the attention they deserved Ryuji - good bro and I loved him but the middle part of the game and the constant “we gotta get the girls!” moments were so . . ugh ...  confidant rank and beginning of game ryuji was absolute best though Ann - same goes for her as with ryuji that the beginning of the game was best characterization moment for her. I liked her a lot and she’s pretty bro for female heroine! but the constant fanservice kills me guys Morgana - boy did i dislike morgana for the most of the game. he really felt like teddie 2.0 at times and i just did not have a lot motivation to like him. Last arc of the game tho?? i love morgana??? i wanna cry tbh those parts near the end really resonated with me so my final verdict is that i like morgana a lot now Yusuke - I LOVE THIS BOY. while i get the beef that people have with his recruitment arc (the whole nude modeling thing) I thought it was ok since my interpretation is that he was just pissed and really needed that inspiration he found in ann but idk. otherwise his arc was good but goddamn fuck you atlus for continuously treating him like a weirdo?? PT is supposed to be a gang of misfits and yet even the teammates keep treating him like a weirdo. . that was just really bad like come on  let me kiss yusuke and feed him. also will never forgive atlus for not letting yusuke move into leblanc. He’s a very good character and very level-headed so i love him sm. he has really great moments Makoto - I liked her a lot! i do think she’s a bit overrated and that she doesn’t fit well with PT but I think that’s just the issue with Atlus pacing of the story, because her issues during her recruitment were really good (as in i did feel like she would fit into PT well) Futaba - I LOVE THIS GIRL!! I played with jpn dub which I think does much better justice to her characterization. Her entire arc was so so good and I felt like she was a really solid character going through growth. her confidant was very very good. She has a lot of funny moments and I love her antics with Yusuke. they are the blessed characters of this game. too good for this game. Haru - love her too!!!! she was so nice and sweet but damn atlus did not do her justice at all. she is the “last” party member to join and it is so sad she does not get a lof interaction with PT. like I wish PT interacted with her somehow throughout the game before she joins, be it like help her out sometimes or something bc they go to same school so when she joins later the team dynamic can easily accept her. Goro - we dont talk about goro jk but honestly he was handled bad. his link was automatic and I get why but his initial personality just makes me hate him a lot. he was cool as a party member but not for long. I expect him to appear in spinoffs bc wtf was that ending for him goddamn atlus. i like a lot his potential as a character but everything else? hate Sae was for me quite funny during the interrogation (when you start the confidant parts) but after her casino her involvement in the story I really ended up liking Sae. she’s good Also gonna mention Sojiro bc i love that coffee dad. His dynamic with Futaba and protagonist was extremely good!!! such a solid family. I loved that he finds out the truth and how he handled it. love u sojiro Speaking of protagonist, I really really really wish atlus would ease up on the “silent protagonist” a bit more. for a game as huge as this, the silence does not do justice to the protagonist. idk i just wish there would have been a bit more voice to him and solid characterization other than some off-hand comments that imply the underlying personality. i get the whole “self-insert” part but it sucks stop putting it in games Overall character summary: pacing sucked so characterization suffered a lot. a lot of characters don’t get their time to shine and while I love them a lot it really sucks to see how they were treated. Pacing ruined a lot of things including team dynamic. Palaces: (in chronological order) Kamoshida/Castle - IT SUCKED I HATE IT. being the first freaking dungeon it sure was extremely hard and damn long. also not knowing about the calling car system really hurt lmao. i just hate this dungeon and i got stuck there a lot too Madarame/Art Museum - THE BEST ONE! Honestly I think it is the only palace that really did feel like a heist! It is a very beautiful palace and im probably also biased bc its Yusuke’s arc but this palace was legit fun to get through. Kaneshiro/Bank - it was ok, good music. i don’t really feel much for it and I was just mostly annoyed how long the vault part was. Futaba/Pyramid - I loved it  a lot too! 10/10 music I had a lot of annoyances with coffin shadows and the puzzles for a bit but overall the music and aesthetics really made the palace work well with the story Okumura/Spaceship - we don’t talk about the “lunch break” parts.... overall it was ok and I liked its aesthetic. also the implications about the workers there was good sad material. Sae/Casino - 10/10 music. overall i disliked it a lot bc some of the parts really dragged and I hated gambling in there to progress. Shido/Ship - 10/10 music. overall i liked it / it was ok. the mouse mechanic was a bit fun, the last part being ... 3 boss fights in a row without saving was sure something. 10/10 creepy outside aesthetic of sunken city. Mementos Depths - not to be confused w/ p3/4 style dungeon we know as mementos (which were pretty much mindless fun to progress thru), the depths was ... so good. mostly for the creepy aesthetic 10/10 would suffer again. the music track Freedom and Security, that plays during goro’s bad end credits, plays as the theme for this dungeon and jeez did it make me feel so emo. the parts where you can talk to locked up people who are apathetic to the world just gave me depression and i loved it.. . i didnt really like the later part of it (when tokyo merges with mementos) To rank the palaces overall its:  Art museum > Mementos Depths > Pyramid >> Ruse Cruise > Spaceship > Casino > Bank >>>>>> Castle Gameplay mechanics were very solid and fun. Movement a bit could be clunky (or that’s what i felt like) and stealth mechanic in dungeons was ok. The gameplay has A LOT of attention to detail and i appreciated it a lot. UI was cluttered but it worked and was quite Aesthetic. I think the game would have benefited if the stats weren’t so important to the social aspect or if the calendar system was revamped. Final boss imo was not as bad as P4 but still ... sucked. P3′s final boss fight is still ultimately my favorite. P5 comes close but once again, pacing issues. Protagonist summoning freaking Satanael was cool af though. Honestly my big issue with P5 was the PACING that made the story and characters suck a lot of times but overall the game was extremely solid and memorable.  Of the persona entries i played i think P5 is special so I can’t really rank it. I am really attached to the game despite its heavy flaws that kill me. P3 and P2 are still quite my favorites but P5 is like really close to them so I guess it’s a fave too i love those phantom thieves

#vika talks about video games

[stereotypical-virgo-witch]

im such a lovesick bastard, I have so much to yearn and so much to mourn.

im going to give my ex's/whatevers creative lil names for privacy lmao

XYZ was supposed to be perfect for me. i thought he was my soulmate. he found me when I needed someone most. he was edgy, artistic, nerdy, and not too masculine but masculine enough to make me feel.. right. we would talk for hours about the state of the world and morality itself. he had created characters and worlds for us to explore together and he made every effort to keep us both entertained. well, mostly himself. we dated for 3 years and I wanted to keep him forever.

but eventually the nights where I was left crying alone became more numerous, and I realized that the only entertainment that mattered to him was his own. if I was inconvenient, I did not matter. I was only treated decently when I was useful. he began to hurt me for his amusement. I didnt protest because I had never known love like any other. my parents treated me the exact same.

Eventually I couldn't say it was love anymore. but I still tried to keep him locked onto me so he wouldnt hurt anyone else anymore. I were to drag him down with me. and of course, that's impossible. he was the abuser I was the victim. I had no power. I got abandoned like an injured animal. my stupid determination leaves me stranded again. I always get up, though.

∑ (sigma) is strange. in a good way. i cant understand him sometimes, but it almost always forces me to rethink my most toxic patterns. It's not intentional, it just sorta fits like a puzzle piece. He seems detached but I have an overwhelming amount of evidence of hidden passion, and that's the shit that really gets me going. He's incredibly charming when he starts talking about the things he likes.

He's full of mystery and secrets, but not the sharp, harsh blades that XYZ would create on purpose to suit his bidding. Xer.

He treats me with kindness and dignity. When I ask for things he gives genuine answers without harming me. He doesn't lie to me to get me to do what he wants like XYZ would.

I'm ngl I'm lowkey a social media stalker. I hate it but I cant help myself sometimes, I just want to KNOW. Filling the absence helps my brain not do the worst case scenario bullshit my dad classically conditioned me into. I do it to everyone I care about so I dont sabotage myself with paranoia. I'm working on defeating the paranoia.

He has the same exact photo XYZ did. Same period of time. The one that's always resonated with me. The one I can't find with reverse image search anymore, but I still see every once in a blue moon because it was a part of internet emo counter culture. Zan.

I looked thru more of his photos and I realized that if I had met him in high school, I would've fallen in love.

I'm thankful I didn't. I was a mess, and I'd destroy everything. It seems like he really loved her anyway. There would be no way I could compete. Not that he'd ever make me compete like XYZ did. He has a heart, not the empty void XYZ desperately tried to fill. Yin.

I wonder what this will become. It is moving as slow as possible. I am always hoping for my fated one, but getting ahead of myself does nothing but destroy the things I desire. And I am impatient for the things I desire, as always. I have the highest hopes for him. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone though, and I tend to be pressure blind, so I've been trying to keep it low key. As in, as hidden as possible.

I'm not very good at lying, though. I kinda pushed it last night. His response was surprisingly positive.

He doesn't think we'll separate just yet. It was a huge relief to hear, and I may or may not have started babbling while myseep meds were kicking in. The way he said "I like you too" sounded so genuine, my heart felt like it was twisting and turning into a different organ entirely. Into something stronger and less dead.

I wonder if it'll ever turn to "I love you"s. I cant handle that right now. I cant believe I tried to poison myself with that sort of forced potency a couple years ago. And I cant believe he still actively wants me after that. haha.

If he is the one, this definitely isnt the way I expected it, but it's so much better than anything XYZ ever did. If anything, all he ever did was poison me with potency and lies. I fell for it because I wanted it so bad. And he knew. He ruined me. He ruined my ability to love and believe in myself and others. He made me his puppet and I refused to cut the cords. Then I became unable to move.

Even if ∑ and I don't last, he will likely continue to help me heal.

I just want my soul to feel whole again, like it did before this vessel was born. It's like that one story about the woman who waits for her lover to return, but turns to stone because he never returns. I'll sing my siren song to myself forever if I have to.

Oh and Jyoshin and crew can go suck a giant fucking dog dick. Then get arrested for sexual harassment. Cant believe I ever believed for a second that what he did to ∑ was mutual. After that art fiasco? Jesus. And I thought I was delusional at times. On what PLANET would that shit EVER be flattering.

I compared myself to that disaster a lot, but I'm really kinda actually way better than that. Well, according to ∑ I definitely am. It almost seems like it's not even worth comparing because he just, well, has accomplished absolutely nothing. And continues to make excuses for his lack of results. Meanwhile I've been pulling direct results since I was in the womb bitchhh

I am satisfied. I'll be back to bitch in another week or so