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#Bart punched a nazi too
adhdslugcrimes · 3 years
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my ADHD!Bart: So on the news, you'll see me punch an Autism Speaks supporter, it's cool because I was in my Impulse suit and now it shows I don't take bullshit from them.
Kon: now I put that card somewhere- Ah! here you go babe, your Punk card.
Bart: Awesome!
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sleepykittypaws · 5 years
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4th of July Favorites
4th of July is traditionally a time of BBQs and fireworks, and all kinds of family outdoor fun, but in case your 4th falls on a rainy day, here are my indoor entertainment favorites that can keep you in the patriotic summer holiday spirit, with or without sunshine.
Movies
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Updated: March 23, 2023
theatrical release, unless noted
Independance Day (1996) - Rarely has a movie been so cheesy, yet so much fun at the same time. I was in college when this came out (a.k.a. too poor to go to the movies), so I didn’t see this one until almost a decade after its release, and found it just as ridiculously fun as everyone said. What It’s a Wonderful Life is to Christmas, Independance Day is to 4th of July.
Hamilton (2020, Disney+) - Everything I wanted this filmed version of the legendary Broadway show to be and more, including its iconic original cast. Energetic, emotional and exhilirating, an absolutely relevant watch for the 4th, or any other day. (Trailer)
National Treasure (2004) - Does this Nic Cage action movie that features a literal treasure map on the back of the Declaration of Independance make a lick of sense? Nope. Is it still perfect holiday family viewing fun? Unquestionably!
Top Gun Maverick (2022) - Does any part of this movie take place on the 4th of July? No. But you’d be hard pressed to find a more fully ‘Rah-rah America’ summer movie other than perhaps the original 1986 Top Gun, which make for a fab 4th double feature.
Armageddon (1998) - Like Top Gun, pretty sure this disaster flick doesn’t technically take place on the 4th of July, but in terms of quintessential, entertaining, pro-America propaganda, it’s hard to do better than this wildly patriotic, ridiculous movie that is as manipulative as all get out, but really, really good at it, too.
Jaws (1975) - Unlike some of my other choices, this movie does take place, at least in part, on the 4th of July, and if any film can make you feel good about not being at the beach, it’s Jaws.
Yankee Doodle Dandy (1942) - This James Cagney classic is a musical theater delight. If you think of Cagney only in terms of his gangster roles, this song and dance-filled film is a revelation. Plus, it’s the source of the classic, You’re a Grand Old Flag. 
The Sandlot (1993) - No sport says 4th of July like America’s pastime, and this kid classic actually has a fairly iconic 4th of July scene, where even the baseball-crazy boys forget to play as they watch fireworks light up their small town.
Captain America: The First Avenger (2011) - You say America, I say Cap. Chris Evans’ debut as America’s iconic superhero isn’t set on the 4th of July, but there’s nothing more American than punching Nazis. Also…That is America’s ass. 😜
When Sparks Fly (2014, Hallmark Channel) - Is this 4th of July-themed Hallmark movie about a woman who goes home to write about her family’s small-town fireworks business good? Not really. Does it star a pre-Duchess, Meghan Markle? Yes, yes it does.
Animated Specials
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This is America Charlie Brown (1988) - There really is a Peanuts cartoon for every holiday and this eight-episode series features everything Americana, from the building of the railroad, to NASA’s space station. Episode 2, The Birth of the Constitution, is particularly apt for a 4th of July watch.
Schoolhouse Rock: America Rock (1975-2002) - A 12-episode compilation featuring all of the greatest Schoolhouse Rock episodes focusing on America’s founding and governance, including the classic I’m Just a Bill. Originally produced to celebrate the 1976 bi-centennial, two new episodes about U.S. Presidential voting were made in 2002 and added to the collection.
Simpsons: Summer of 4 Ft 2 (1996, Season 7, Episode 25) - It may be cheating slightly to call this series episode a “special,” but it actually works really well as a standalone, even for those unfamiliar with the Simpsons’ oeuvre. The story of Lisa remaking herself on vacation, and Bart’s jealousy, which all culminates on the 4th of July, is one of the better holiday-dedicated stories you’ll find.
Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July (1979) - This Rankin-Bass classic (well, “classic” may be stretching the term), is a multi-holiday celebration that might put a little Christmas magic in your 4th.
Liberty’s Kids (2002) - This PBS animated series tells the story of our nation’s founding from a kids’ eye view.
More to Explore
If my favorites don’t spark (get it) your 4th of July feeling, here are some more holiday-set options…
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(2000) - This debut of Hugh Jackman as Wolverine…Does not hold up. But the entire final battle does take place atop the Statue of Liberty on the Fourth of July, so if you’re looking for superhero + festive, here you go. 
Miss Firecracker (1989) - Holly Hunter will stop at nothing to win a 4th of July beauty pageant. This one doesn’t fire on all cylinders, but a great cast, including Alfre Woodard and Mary Steenburgen, lend lots of charm, and it’s even been remade into a popular summer stock stage show.
Magic Mike XXL (2015) - This male stripper road trip tale has a lot more big-name stars than you’d expect (Donald Glover! Andie McDowell! Amber Heard! Jada Pinkett Smith!), given that premise, and takes place over Fourth of July weekend, ending, both literally and figuratively, with fireworks. This sequel isn’t necessarily my personal favorite, but it’s beloved by many, and “How much for the water and the Cheetos,” is an undeniably great moment.
We’re the Millers (2013) - This Jason Sudekis-Jennifer Aniston raunchy comedy takes place entirely on 4th of July weekend and features a plot pivotal fireworks display.
1776 (1972) - The movie adaptation of the popular Broadway musical.
The Music Man (1962) - Those 76 Trombones are marching in a 4th of July parade. 
Apollo 13 (1995) - Sure, this mission took place in April, not July, but there’s little that makes me feel more patriotic about what our nation can accomplish when it puts its mind to it than the space program, and this amazing true tale of rescue is one of the best. (For the same reason, I’d also give the recently-made-available-digitally HBO series From the Earth to the Moon, a nod on this list, particularly since the actual moon landing took place in July.) 
Saving Private Ryan (1998) - Absolutely perfect for any patriotic occasion, it’s impossible not to get a little choked up while watching this gritty, realistic WWII epic. 
A League of Their Own (1992) -This one came thisclose to making my top 10 list, but while I think League is a timeless classic, Sandlot got the baseball slot thinks to its 4th specific scene. Still, this is a great flick and Dotty and the gang will have you feeling patriot in no time.
Born on the Fourth of July (1989) - The Tom Cruise Oscar-winner isn’t very uplifting, but it’s certainly holiday appropriate.
Disney’s American Legends (2002) - This compilation of classic Disney shorts features Americana folklore like 1948′s delightfully musical, The Legend of Johnny Appleseed, and  Paul Bunyan (1958).
Disney The Liberty Story (1957, ABC) - A compilation featuring stories of the American Revolution from the Disneyland series that aired on ABC in conjunction with the opening of the original theme park and later became Wonderful World of Disney. Once again widely available thanks to streaming services.
Zodiac (2007) - The second killing, which took place on the 4th of July, opens the film.
I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997) - The titular summer experience in this slasher classic occurs on the 4th of July.
Pride of the Yankees (1942) - Lou Gehrig’s stirring farewell speech is set on the 4th.
The Patriot (2000) - This movie turns the Revolutionary War into a father-son teen drama, but since the son is played by Heath Ledger, in his breakout role, it’s still almost worth watching.
Return of the Living Dead (1985) - It’s 4th fireworks prep that reanimates those corpses, y’all.
Jaws 3D (1983) - This SeaWorld-set second sequel to Spielberg’s classic isn’t, by any definition, good, but as a kid in the late ‘80s who had HBO, I must have seen it, roughly, 10,000 times. 
X-Men (2000) - This debut of Hugh Jackman as Wolverine…Does not hold up. But the entire final battle does take place atop the Statue of Liberty on the Fourth of July, so if you’re looking for superhero + festive, here you go. 
Sister of the Bride (2019, Hallmark) - Hallmark’s quest to make formulaic rom-coms for every holiday continues.
Banner 4th of July (2013, Hallmark) - a.k.a. Family Reunion, a.k.a. Star Spangled Banners …Yes, I’ve seen it, and the many names of this movie, are far better and more inventive than the film itself.
Stranger Things: Season 3 (2019, Netflix) - The summer-set third season of the nostalgia horror series revolves around the 4th of July. 
John Adams (2008, HBO) - This Paul Giamatti-led mini-series won all the awards and is a quite accurate portrayal of America’s first 50 years. Plus, in a bit of impeccable dramatic timing, Founding Father Adams actually died on July 4.
America: The Motion Picture (2021, Netflix) - Adult animated movie that reimagines the Founding Fathers as foul-mouthed superheroes in an alt-history satire.
Culture Shock (2019, Hulu) - Part of Hulu’s  Into the Dark Blumhouse horror movie anthology, covering every holiday; An immigrant’s American dream turns into an American nightmare.
The Current Occupant (2020, Hulu) - Another Into the Dark 4th of July-themed horror movie, about a man trapped in an asylum convinced he’s actually the President of the United States.
Detective Knight: Independance (2022) - One of three holiday-set action cop movies—taking place on Halloween, Christmas and Independance Day—that were the last titles Bruce Willis filmed before announcing his retirement in early 2022 due to aphasia, which was later diagnosed as being caused by frontotemporal dementia. 
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thesportssoundoff · 5 years
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What Happens When You Take A Bad Idea And Make It Worse? LET’S TALK ABOUT THE BRAWL FOR ALL!
Joey
March 11th
The Mother Fucking Brawl For All.
Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd actually get around to this but there are miracles around us and what better time than now? The Brawl For All is generally regarded as one of the worst ideas of all time in a business with an entire genre dedicated to grown men and women smashing each other with fluorescent light tubes and slamming one another on beds of nails and thumbtacks. In a business that up until the mid 80s featured nazis goose stepping around and up until 2003 or so regularly and routinely featured women wrestling in their bloomers, the Brawl For All is the one idea that every human being unanimously believes was a disastrous failure. It's the one unanimous tire fire that not even it's most ardent supporter can put out. Not even WCW's junkyard battle royale which featured multiple injuries due to WCW not gimmicking the cars and just having guys taking bumps onto cars and through glass windshields is hated this much. The Brawl 4 All is one of those things people can't even sum up with "It was bad!" and move on. You have to go through layers and layers and levels of badness. You have to view it almost as an affront to your sensibilities, as a personal attack on you as a fan. Hell not just as a fan but as a human being!
Vince McMahon and company have failed in previous ventures before and ventures after. The XFL, the World Bodybuilding Federation, the ECW relaunch, 65% of the undercard Attitude Era angles, their really expensive WWE Films attempts. Some could even argue that the brand split originally was a failure in some respects given that Smackdown never really got going on its own and Raw declined sharply from the brand split onward. That said those failures at least had SOME inkling and morsels of promise behind them. Not the Brawl For All. It was a bad idea from the start, a bad idea during and made even worse by what happened afterwards. Also? The Brawl For All is one of those things that every wrestling fan and every wrestling personality has a hard opinion on, the kind of shit that lends itself to so much gossip, rumor and conversation. Over the next few weeks, I want to discuss the Brawl 4 All a bit more. I want to delve into it because it's as close as we'll ever get to a universal no hope no spin failure by the WWE and because...well...it's one of my favorite fuck ups of all time. It's always been something that fascinated me from watching it live as a casual fan to laughing at it as a smart fan when I stumble across it to making a near yearly pilgrimage to youtube to watch every single fight of it I can find before it got yanked. It's one of those wrestling stinkers that like December 2 Dismember or the Heroes Of Wrestling card that I'm magnetically attracted to. Every wrestling fan FEELS for the Brawl For All even if those feelings are utter disdain for everyone involved with it.
The Concept And How Fucked It Was From Jump
To get why this even happened, you have to go back in a time capsule. Despite catching fire in 1998, the WWF (for the purpose of being as thorough as possible here, we're gonna call 'em as they were when this happened) is still struggling to keep track with WCW Nitro. They're in the midst of an 83 week long ass eating from Ted Turner's Atlanta based wrestling promotion and "good ideas" are running dry. Understand that at this point the WWF has the single hottest property in the business but that sole property isn't enough to get over the hump vs the NWO, the cruiserweights, an ascending Bill Goldberg, Bret Hart, the return of Sting and what was genuinely just a better overall card. Even if Wrestlemania 14 gave birth to so many great stories going forward (Austin vs McMahon, the hard reboot of DX as a faction, Kane vs Undertaker's first match), WCW is in the midst of its highest grossing year ever. Vince McMahon has James Harden putting up 50 points a night and winning on his back but he's still looking up to the Golden State Warriors. Making matters worse, both companies are in the pro wrestling equivalent of an arms race.  Remember how when the UFC and Bellator in 2014 and 2015 signed anybody with a pulse because they were trying to fill up two insanely bloated schedules? It's a bit like that. Anybody who is good (and not a walking flag factory so to speak) is either in WWE or WCW at this point which means if you ONLY have two hours of content, you've got a lot of guys doing nothing.
The Brawl For All on its surface and without malice seems like an awful idea to try and remedy that. Pit sixteen dudes in a shoot tournament and let them go at it with set rules in place. It gets guys on TV, gives them something to do and at the end, in theory, the winner doesn't just get a big financial prize but come out in the end as a star. It's a chance to do something with a section of guys who are doing absolutely nothing at all. Sounds good, riiiiight? Well now let's break into some sexy rumor mongering about what this really was about:
-We can start with the mastermind! Vince Russo is the man who apparently concocted this concept which should be somewhat redeemable if what I laid out above was entirely 100% accurate. It's not entirely the case, even according to Russo's own words. Per Vince Russo, a large reason the Brawl For All came to be was that he had a beef with one of the wrestlers (Bradshaw aka John Bradshaw Layfield aka that guy who got flattened by ring announcer Joey Styles) consistently bloviating that he was the toughest guy in the locker room. Right off the jump, any sort of noble designs are whittled away. Now often in pro wrestling, there's 100 different stories to the same single event often shared by people IN the same room. Imagine how pronounced it is that a) everybody agrees that it was Russo's idea, b) everybody is under the impression that it was over a tiff with a pro wrestling with no shoot fighting experience and c) EVERYBODY agrees it was one of the worst concepts imaginable. The Brawl For All's entire seed was planted not so much out of a design to get guys work and on TV but out of wanting to see a loud dude get punched up. That's insanity out the gate.
-The Brawl For All was by invitation only and depending on who you believe, the process to select wrestlers was rather...exclusive. Bruce Prichard discusses in his podcast with Conrad Thompson that he was the guy who had to round up the talent to fill enough spots in the tournament. Prichard says he had to play to the egos of wrestlers and in a separate interview, Bart Gunn talks about how he got recruited basically by another member of the writing team as well. The name Bart Gunn will become pretty important down the line so jot that down in your notebooks real quick. Wrestlers were recruited with what seems like a pretty easy enough pitch and one I'd imagine that the UFC uses today  with their fighters; basically a "I mean don't you believe you're the toughest dude here?!" and a "We'll pay you!" and we're off to the races. Despite this, the Brawl For All struggled to get people to fill in the spots in no small part due to the fact that no star is going to partake in an absolutely stupid concept like this when they can just make their money being a star. The Brawl For All isn't even a TUF; it's a PFL tournament where all the dudes nobody else wants are lumped into a tournament format with the golden carrot of a $100,000 prize at the end of it.
-Perhaps worth more than the $100,000 prize was the either legit or illegitimate golden carrot of the winner getting to work a program with "Stone Cold" Steve Austin. Understand that no one single act was as hot and drawing as much money at this time as Steve Austin was. He was the it guy, the biggest star in the business and noway near close to peaking as a talent either. The Brawl For All $100,000 prize? That's cool and all  plus that was basically the downside guarantee for a year's worth of work. The opportunity to work with Stone Cold on a pay per view? That's the big money ticket. That's the opportunity to be a made man like how working with Hogan in the 80s was. For top guys, that opportunity may come along at any given point. Again going back a bit to TUF and the PFL, imagine if the UFC offered eight of its guys the chance to compete in a tournament for $100,000. Enticing! Now imagine the winner gets to fight Conor McGregor on a PPV. Tell me if it doesn't get every guy not named Khabib and Tony Ferguson jumping into it. That would be a great no doubt can't miss opportunity!
EXCEPT
-It was probably a lie. Scratch that. We can factually tell that any sort of Austin match for the winner was a lie since every person involved (sans one) says it was real and the winner never actually got said shot. Imagine if the tournament wasn't build on anything truthful but instead on a "The winner will be in the mix" from Dana White. While Bruce Prichard says there was no official plan for the winner to face Steve Austin, everybody else involved from talent to wrestling guru Jim Cornette seems to suggest there WAS a plan in place for the winner to win. That is, assuming of course, the winner was the guy they thought was going to win all along. More on that in the future but just know that the Brawl For All's fighters were flirted with a hush hush unofficial promise of facing Steve Austin that was probably never going to be fulfilled unless won by a specific party. Bart Gunn says he was told the winner would face Stone Cold and well....more on that at another time. Let's just say sports entertainment and combat sports have a long storied history of perhaps listening to the matchmakers a bit too closely.
-The rules for the Brawl For All? Well those were a mess. According to Bruce Prichard, the rules were still being worked out the week of. According to Steve Blackman (a dude who Bob Holly admits would've won the whole thing), there were plans to allow leg kicks and those rules just happened to get yanked the week of. The glove size seems to change depending on who you ask as the WWF says they were 16 ounce gloves but Bart Gunn argues repeatedly they were 22 ounce gloves. Some of the guys admittedly didn't even think it was a shoot fight either and at least one fighter fought thinking it was a work. According to Bart Gunn, even halfway through the tournament he kept expecting it to be a work suddenly.  The "official" Brawl For All rules had points for takedowns, points for a knockdown and points for more punches thrown across three one minute rounds. The scorecard part doesn't even matter at this point. To be honest, it didn't even matter then.
So let's talk about the big problem here
So imagine putting together a tournament designed around the concept of "Who's the toughest guy!" in a show where the audience is conditioned to believe that the toughest guy is the world champion or if the champion is a heel, the toughest guy is the babyface chasing said champion. We already in theory know who the toughest guy is or at least we're willing to suspend our disbelief. Also if we're to believe that the winner of the tournament is the toughest guy in the company, why aren't the big name tough guys we've been told are the tough guys competing in it? The concept falls flat right there on its own but the hole isn't deep enough. We gotta go from six feet to nine feet so now imagine that you've come up with this concept that pees on the first rule of your product. Make it worse. Make it so that the audience is being told to believe that what they see HERE AND ONLY HERE is legitimate.  NOTHING is as frustrating in pro wrestling as "a shoot." For those not addicted to sports entertainment meth, a shoot is something on the program that the audience is led to believe is real. Now for something to be "real" on a show that's already "real" then that in turn means what we're seeing is fake, right? So a "real fight" on pro wrestling ultimately means that what we're seeing is fake. Now most wrestling fans since the 70s and 80s have probably believed wrestling in some form or fashion is/was not real. We accept it as entertainment and as Jerry Jarrett once lovingly put it "theater of the illiterate." The key is to not remind us that what we're seeing is clearly fake (a problem wrestling fans seem to be having right now with Ronda Rousey). Reminding the audience that what they're saying is predetermined scripted fakeness and then asking them to invest into the REAL portion of the product that breaks their illusion only works if a star is doing it. It doesn't work if a bunch of random dudes and mid carders are doing it. Imagine if in the middle of one of those UFC Embedded gimmicks, we saw Conor McGregor rehearsing the press conference lines and then he went out to try and sell his beef with Cowboy Cerrone as legitimate. You've already hurt the audience's feelings and the Brawl For All actively did that at a time where all WWF fans wanted was to watch Stone Cold kick ass and DX make inappropriate jokes. You've brought DOWN the segment.
So now we're nine feel into the hole. Let's go sixteen feet deep. Nope! Let's go from here to fuckin' middle earth on this bad boy; pro wrestling is a TEAM effort. It requires two or more able bodied people to work together to create a magnificent fake fight spectacle that tells a story and ends with you becoming emotionally invested in its finish and what's to come. That requires participation. Now come up with a tournament where guys are going to beat the holy shit out of one another FOR REAL and then have to go back to participating with one another as if nothing happened! Every single wrestler involved in the Brawl For All has spoken about the bad blood and residual effects the Brawl For All had. Also remember these are not trained fighters either. Some of these guys are amateur wrestlers who probably haven't done that for years. Some dudes dabbled in kickboxing or BJJ on their spare time or in years outside of wrestling had some formal combat sports . Some of these guys were bodybuilders by trade and some of these dudes were just pro wrestlers who happened to have a few "So and so cleaned out a bar room with one hand and six beers!" type magical fishing trip stories. So you're taking a bunch of ego driven (some chemically enhanced) guys and sending them out there to beat each other up on a Monday or a Tuesday and then magically get over it in time to make the house show loop where they're going to team together. We've officially come out the other end through China, folks.
And yet despite all of this very obvious right in front of our faces warning signs, the Brawl For All existed.
Next time we'll talk about who was in it a bit more---and why IF the Brawl For All had a true tertiary motive designed to elevate one guy to superstardom, it was an even bigger failure than humanly possible.
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Trump’s Bad Day : ( A Political Fanfiction for Intellectuals
It was another day in the White House and President Trump was not happy. As per usual, he woke up before the sun even rose to take his routine shit and Twitter time. Unlike those loser Presidents from the past, Trump knew the best method of proclaiming his word to the masses was at 140 characters at a time. If that’s how much he’s able to read, certainly it must be how much the rest of the country is capable of as well.
He looked around the historic building, clenching his butt cheeks in hopes of making it to the restroom on time. Unfortunately, he couldn’t find his phone! He looked under his high chair but couldn’t find it nor did he find it on his desk underneath the multitude of crayon’d in pages of the 2016 election results. It wasn’t even in that special spot in Ivanka’s room that coincidentally gave whatever’s placed there a perfect view of where she changes. 
The excruciating exercise he went through searching for it was draining his limited life force. His hands sweated greatly, unable to even grasp the big boy little spoons he uses to eat his delicious two scoops. The dye in his hair was starting to run down his face, making him look like an orange/lemon blend. 
At last, he couldn’t take it anymore. He slumped over on the floor and had to finally release himself. It was the same feeling he got when he passed legislations.
When the sun rose and the rest of the staff attended to their duties, Mike Pence found both Trump and Bannon sleeping on top of one another. At some point while it was still dark, the head of Brietbart drunkenly stumbled in, tripped on his boss, and fell asleep as well. When trying to remove the ungodly mix of alcohol and adipose tissue of of the President, Pence once again smelled a horrid odor that was all too familiar with him after these 100-something days of Trump’s presidency. 
“Donald, again?” He sighed. 
Even in sleep, Trump giggled.
It wasn’t until an hour later that Trump was dragged back to his room, cleaned, changed, and given a set of new clothes. Pence insisted he wear a normal tie that day but Trump refused to abide.
“I want the long one!”
“You can’t wear the long one, Donald. It’s too long. You’ll trip over it!”
“I WANT THE BIG BOY TIE!”
A familiar site to the electroshock therapy enthusiast, Trump started jumping up and down in a fit of rage. At times, he’d run over to the wall and start pounding on it, making such little noise, it was as if a fly had slammed into it. 
“BIG TIE BIG TIE BIG TIE BIG TIE BIG TIE-”
He droned on and on, and tears started to stream down his face. finally Pence threw his hands in the air and said “Alright! Fuck it! You can have the big boy tie!”
Like a flick of a switch, Trump stopped his tantrum and beamed a huge grin in Pence’s direction. “I’m a bigly good deal maker, Pence. You should know this.” He pointed at his VP and snatched the tie from his hands. 
“If only you could negotiate a law to kill the faggots, Trump.”
“I’ll make that deal when the dems stop obst-obstric-ob-ob...blocking me!”
“The dems are the minority in everything, Trump. They have no real control over congress or the senate or anything!”
“Killery’s emails say that the deep state is actually controlling them. Don’t you read Bread-bart?”
--
When they walked out, they found Bannon in the same spot on the floor. Somehow in his sleep, the man managed to gather dozens of bottles of gin seemingly out of thin air. Groggily, he started to get up.
“Uh bu ughuhu...are the fuckin’ kikes dead yet?”
“No, Bannon.” Pence replied dryly. 
“Thosuh fugg fuking guh hook noses th-I ughu I wish the Holocaust was real fo then uthu would be gon!”
“That’s nice, Bannon. We need you to help Trump sign a bill for our corporate masters.”
“It’s going to be a biiiiiiigly bill, Uncle Bannon!”
Bannon complied. He pissed himself first, but ultimately he stumbled behind the two which made Donald giggle over how silly his uncle was being. All the while Bannon was trying to tell Donald about how the white race was being bred out of existence and how to use secret code words like ‘N1gger’ or ‘k1ke’ to trick normies into spreading nazi propaganda. his words weren’t at all clear and Donald simply giggled most of the time, but somewhere in Trump’s mind, he was absorbing that information.
Before Bannon could call for a race war, he slumped over again and threw up on the back of Pence’s shoes before falling sleep entirely.
“Uh oh, Uncle Bannon had an accident!”
Pence remained silent, seething to himself that one day congress will stop worrying about what a bunch of frog posters thought of them and impeach Trump. How much longer must I endure this? Dead God! Dear mother! Someone help!
They continued on. Trump skipped the whole say singing ‘Bigly bill’ over and over and occasionally telling Pence he had to sing along. 
When they arrived in the oval office, Trump ran over to his seat, lost breath half way, sharted, and then walked the rest of the way. With a wet plop, he sat down and banged his fist on the desk.
“No more fun and games. It’s time to put my big boy pants on and do some work!”
Pence walked up behind Trump and reached into a drawer, brushing aside many drawings of Trump punching Hillary and pulled out the bill his boss was supposed to sign. 
“What’s the bill, Mike?”
“Fuck the poor, take away their health care and let them fucking die by Paul Ryan.”
“Paul Ronald? I love that guy!”
Pence’s eye twitched. In his mind, he was at a cross roads between screaming about homosexuality and letting Trump’s little outburst slip. He knew his pussy grabbing boss was a good Christian who didn’t approve of gays, but what he said disturbed him on a spiritual level.
“I mean, he’s not me or anything, but Paul Renalds, I know him. He’s a great guy, believe me. I remember when I met him, I met him way back ago, he said I was supposed to be President because he knows a good deal maker when he sees one. I make the best deals, believe me, they’re the best. My deals with Paul Rogers, he looks at my deals and he agrees to them because they’re the best. Believe me, Paul Roomba, he knows my deals. This deal here, it’s the best. The best deal. And his eyes are cute!”
Pence finally had to excuse himself, leaving the President alone to sign the bill. It occurred to Trump how strange the situation was. Normally when he signs bills into law, he has everyone stand in the room with him so they can congratulate him on what a big boy thing he was doing. Where was everyone?
“This was supposed to be a bigly moment. I want my praise!” He whined and screamed and pounded, but no one came in. Not even his famous tantrumps would sway the universe this time.
Slowly the gears in his head started turning His buddies in the GOP really tried to push this bill through fast. Kushner said they were doing it before Hillary emails about it on her private server. What was so special about the bill?
He reached over on his desk and grasped it in his hands. Squinting his eyes, for the first time in years he tried to read. “F-f-fuuuuuck t-tha pooor, tac...tic? Take! Take away thi-thir? Heat-ha...”
Sweat dripped from his brow as he slowly stumbled through the title. “bie..Pool Reean...Oh Pool Ransom! I love that guy! I made a deal with him earlier, and he agreed to it saying I make the best deals. The best. I remember making a deal in Saudeyrabba with those darkies, I gave them bigly amounts of weapons for money. Such a good deal. The best deal, believe me. The un were mad for some crap about human rights or whatever, but they’re just liblosers who don’t know good deals. Not like me, I make the best deals. Like I made a deal with Bannon the other day, it was such a good deal! The best and...oh shoot! I lost my place!” He sighed heavily and moved his eyes to the top of the page. 
Hours later, Pence came in, having obtained written permission by his wife to be able to hear any vaguely homosexual things from Trump even if she isn’t there. “Have you signed the bill yet, sir?”
“By pool Reea-Mikey! You made me lose my place! I don’t wanna lose like Shillery!”
--
Ultimately the bill wasn’t signed that day. Trump got bored of reading and instead drew a picture of his magnificent wall on the back. Completely irate but trying to keep his cool, Pence congratulated Trump on the wonderful drawing and said they could try again tomorrow while he stuck the picture to the fridge with all the other bills Donald didn’t sign. 
Their moment was interrupted by Kusher whose voice I have no idea what it sounds like so I’m assuming it sounds something like Kermit the Frog. He came in and stomped his foot. “Daaaaaaaaaady! The feds are being mean to me!” 
In Trump’s mind, he was so flattered. Kusher reminded Trump of himself when he was younger and asking his own father for a tiny loan of a million dollars. Ivanka, that hot piece of ass, really knows how to pick a man. But wait! If Ivanka picked Kushner, then she didn’t pick him! He was getting cucked! Uncle Bannon was right! Kusher was a dirty penny pinching jew boy who should be shoved in the oven and turned into a cake!
“Now Kusher, you know what I told you about handling the deep state.”
“Daaaaad, sending my body guard over to fire their leader didn’t work for meeeeeeee!”
“Kushner, if it worked for me, it’s bigly good. The best idea, believe me. I remember when Comey was giving me trouble, trying to investigate me and Russia. My relations with Putin, I don’t have them. I may have talked to him and agreed to win the election for him so he can systematically destroy the US from the inside out by telling me to appoint the most egregiously incompetent and malicious cabinet in presidential history who have a vested interest in destroying the very organizations they were chosen to run thus ensuring the US has very little power or influence over the world and weakening the pressure put on Russia which in turn would allow Putin to gain more influence over others...buuuuuuut I never met him, believe me! Bigly no no on meeting him!”
“Well if you don’t help me with this then I’ll I’ll I’ll I’ll I’ll tell Ivanka!”
Trump leaped in the air. “Not Ivanka!”
“T-That’s right! I’ll tell her about this, daddy!”
“Okay okay! I’ll help!”
He ran out of the kitchen and out of the White House doors. For the first time, he had enough energy to do so. The prospect of losing his daughter’s affection would drive a man to do anything. At least that’s what Trump thought. When he was on the White House lawn, he finally stopped and wondered.
“Where does the feds work again? Gosh, who knew government could be so complicated?”
--
Dinner in the White House was supposed to be a special time. Everyone was gathered around ready to congratulate Trump on signing the bill and ensuring thousands of people would die, but were sorely disappointed when the learned that Trump tried to actually read the bill, failed to get past the title, and gave up. Still, they had to congratulate him lest the man throw another tantrump and ruin the dinner.
“An amazing job, your highness!” Rence Preibus said, raising his glass. 
“Your leadership is the best! Way better than that fucking nigger was. One day, I’m going to go to his house and put a bullet in his nigglet kids, but your kids, you have the best genes. We’re the master race, Trump!” A keebler elf said. Most people call him Jess Sessions. 
“I...have to use the restroo-” General Mattis was about to say before getting cut off. 
“Those fucking niggers, can you believe they were in here? Once I roll back the war on drugs, all of those shit skins are going away. Every fuckin’ one of them!” 
“Anyways, I’m going to leave n-”
“And the mexicans? They’re nigger lite! They’ll get it too. I’ll fuckin’ arrest them all! I swear on me lucky charms, I’ll fuckin’ arrest them all like the rabid squirrels who attacked my magical woodland kingdom. Those squirrels were fuckin’ niggers!”
Kelly Conway was ready to speak up. She was assured that there were no microwaves in the room at the moment. However, Mike Pence stopped her. “Women are to be seen, not heard, Kelly.”
“I for one am very happy for you, Trump. Not even Hitler was able to pass legislation!” Spicer beamed.
Bannon slammed both fists on the table. “Are you sayin’ tha h- *hic* Hitler, MY FUHRER, isn’t good enough?” He was ready to crawl up and strangle Spicer. “M-I-ighguhu va da b-both of us u-ughnggh”
Not even able to present a coherent thought, he passed out on his mashed potatoes. Kusher rose from his seat and pulled out a sharpie from his pocket, drawing several Stars of David on the drunk’s face. 
A turtle spoke up. “I’m sorry you weren’t able to pass our health care bill, but you’ll get it next time! We’ll get rid of those poor people together, and it’ll be your victory!” McConnell tried his best to hide his burning anger. Those poors will get to live another day because of his. Paul Ryan looked him in the eyes and nodded knowingly. Both of their dreams were squashed. 
“I dreamed about taking away health care from poor people since my college days,” Ryan said, “with you in charge, we’ll surely do that!”
Everyone else sang their praises, and then began to feast. Only Pence and Trump didn’t eat. The former because his wife hadn’t given him permission yet and the latter because when he looked down, he noticed that his food wasn’t a well done steak with extra ketchup but instead a massive log of shit. 
“COMEY!” He shouted, flipping his plate onto Pence. “He did this! He’s always doing this! Why does he keep bullying me! I want him to stop now now now now now!”
Pence tried to comfort him. “How do you know it was Comey, sir?”
“Because he’s a fuckin’ meanie!”
“You fired him weeks ago. he doesn’t have access to our kitchen.”
“He used the deep state to do it! I know it! The whole thing’s rigged! Bigly bad!”
Trump started to straight up cry and rolled out of his high chair. Not even three scoops of ice cream would satisfy him now. 
“I want him to stop now! I want the feds to stop attacking me! I want my documents to stop being leaked! I want them to ignore Russia now! Putin said this would be easy but it’s not! It’s difficult! It’s not easy peasy lemon squeasy like he said!”
Most of them had fled the room save for Kusher and Pence who spent the next several hours trying to consolidate him.
--
It was the first time in a long while since he heard his father’s voice. Barron Trump was in the middle of building a massive wall in Minecraft in hopes that his father will notice him, and while every previous attempt failed, he was sure it would work this time. He’d bet his fidget spinner on it!
As if a miracle from God, Trump entered his room and called his name. 
“Barron, I need help with the cyber!”
“D-dad?”
“I need you to hack into the FBI and remove everything they have on me and Russia!”
“Okay, dad! I’ll do my best!”
Trump slammed the door shut and Barron got straight to work. The moment went so fast but it felt like forever. Finally, he was communicated to! He was acknowledged! Using every bit of skill he had, he remotely accessed the FBI’s database and scanned through the files, trying to find any that looked relevant to the investigation between Trump and Russia. 
“Let’s see... aliens, JFK, Atlantas, big foot, little foot, 9/11, the moon landing...”
So many files; it was enough to overwhelm a kid. But Barron was an expert with a mission in mind. He wouldn’t let anything stand in his way. 
“Wait, this stuff looks good.”
When he opened the data base labeled ‘Putin and orange retard’, he was treated to a page with thousands of different files connecting Trump, his administration, and the Russians. There were pictures, scans of documents, text files, and even videos.
“Wow, I wonder what dad was doing with them.”
He clicked on video titles ‘pee tapes’ and minutes later from the halls, the staff could hear his screams.
--
Trump was scouting through the different rooms in the White House. Inside one was his wife being triple penetrated by secret service members. “Melina or whatever, have you seen Ivanka?”
“No!”
“Ok.”
He left unaware that he was being cucked. In another room was Sessions pulling on a rope that was attached to the ceiling fan while some voice, distinctly black, was gasping for air just out of view.
“I barely recognized you in your white hood. Have you seen Ivanka?”
“No.”
“Ok.”
A third room had Spicer and Bannon wresting for alcohol. Spicer was ranting about wanting to make the pain go away while Bannon just made several drunken antisemetic slurs. 
“Hey have you seen Ivanka anywhere?”
They both shook their heads before Bannon finally snatched the bottle away, flipped it to its narrow side, and smashed it over Spicer’s head. The man was knocked out and the alcohol was spilled, forcing Bannon to crawl on top of Spicer and lick it off his unconscious body. 
“Boy, Pence would be mad at that!”
Finally, Trump entered a room and found Ivanka. She was dressed in the sluttiest attire she had and laying in her bed, leads spread apart. Trump was already trying to pull his pants down, having difficulty moving his gut so he can unbuckle his belt, but wasn’t even able to do that when he saw Kusher walk up and climb on top of his daughter. 
“Kushner, stop cucking meeeeee!” He whined.
Ivanka didn’t react. Her mind was incapable of processing anything beyond fashion design and money. She sat there with wide open glassy eyes and a mouth slightly agape while Kusher himself turned around and looked Trump in the eyes. 
“Stop it now, Kushner!” 
“No!”
“I said now! Now! Now! Now! Now! Now!”
Kusher walked over and slammed the door shut. Donald pounded on it with his tiny hands but couldn’t break through. He cried and yelled and rolled on the floor, calling for ‘Mad Dog’ Mattis to launch a nuclear strike against the room and kill Kusher but to no success. 
“I’m telling Putin on you!” He screamed again before finally leaving. Once again he crawled back into his bed all alone and could do nothing but watch the news. Fox, the only real news channel, was reporting on how Trump single handedly cured cancer while the fake news channels were talking about how Muller continues to hire the absolute best lawyers and prosecutors the country has to offer. Trump yelled at the TV to stop Muller from continuing, often mistaking Muller for Comey, but it was no use. No matter how much he cried, the TV didn’t show the investigation stopping. 
He knew that morning, he would have such a rant to post on Twitter. It was a bad day. : (
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