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briars-castle · 2 days

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˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚ : Beast dazai ᡣ𐭩 Reader : ˚ ༘ ೀ⋆｡˚

₊˚ෆ ` maybe in another life, my love ` ෆ˚₊

.𖥔 ݁ ˖ please reblog and request to support creators ˖ ݁𖥔 .

𖦹⋆｡˚⋆ฺ⋆ suicide , pregnancy , fem reader ⋆ฺ⋆˚｡⋆𖦹

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁ .

" darling? What’s bothering you tonight? " you say as you watch your lover from the doorframe of his office - he was looking through the windows, there was an air of melancholy that hung through like a thick fog, you couldn’t quite pinpoint what it was though so you just assumed he was being melodramatic.

" hmm? - ah, it’s just you. " dazai spoke solemnly, although he never did turn around. He just kept staring, into nothing - maybe a few clouds but there was nothing particularly interesting out there either, just a few cars and a couples of buildings.

you had a little bag with you - you were waiting to surprise him, you were smiling and everything . . . Yet he wouldn’t look at you, he just looked outside. Usually he was all over you but today he seemed like he wanted to be alone. you sat the bag on his desk, about to leave him for a moment - you hoped he would open it whenever he sat down out of curiosity.

" darling? Is something wrong? . . . I can come in later if you wish - there is a surprise at your desk waiting . . . " you said, he didn’t answer yet either - it perplexed you at the time . . . you felt like he was about to say something - but then he paused and just nodded his head.

" . . . I’ll open it later . . . " he said, he didn’t wish to scare you - and he didn’t wish to scare you or make you cry . . . or that you would stop him. so he never said a word, he did want to leave you with one last thought before he fell from grace.

you didn’t understand any of this at the time, you were completely and utterly unaware - unaware of the signs and the consequences of being so blissfully blind of them. now you knew though - all too well even.

" (y/n)? honey? are you still there? " he called out, he was always one for flowery words and lovey - dovies, but he wished to outdo himself . . . one last time, like a promise at his lips with one mission - a mission you wouldn’t know of until late that night - as he took one deep breath he turned around, he had a gentle smile on his face - usually he wasn’t so quiet, playing pranks or just teasing you.

Before you could even ask what in the world he was being so quiet about - you saw him move from the window, sweeping you off your feet as you gasped in surprise. his hand supporting you at the small of your back as he holds you against him - dipping you as his lips met yours, he held you and supported you in his bandaged arms. pulling away breathlessly as he cupped your face.

“ if i had to choose between being with you and ever seeing the daylight ever again . . . I would stay by your side, knowing that everytime im with you the sun shines through the darkness of the night and into my heart. No matter how cold it is . . . i love you more than i love the entire world darling, I could never see myself with another who isnt you - they could simply never shine as bright nor could they ever make me as soft as you have seemed to. I would tear the entire port mafia down with my bare hands if it meant anything at all to you, i love you more than it should be possible to love, more beautiful and brilliant than any poet or philosopher has written, more tender and loyal than any knight or soldier, more precious than any jewel . . . The thing about my love for you, is that it's like a painting. . . the words I use can never describe all of the colors that my heart paints for you."

your breath was caught in your throat, you didnt even know what to say to that - he had that way of making you breathless but when you tried to reply he just shushed you.

" shhhh . . . sh . . . shhh . . . Lovely, i have a meeting with the slug soon, i really need to take a few minutes to compose myself for how mean he’s going to be! He’s going to yell at me the whole time like a disobedient dog, it will be rather unpleasant for you to witness - you need to go back to work . . . i’ll check out the gift in a moment, okay? " he pressed a finger to your lips and lead you out the door.

you really didn’t want to leave - you wanted to see his reaction to the gift he would receive, the little gift bag held something so so precious- something he would have to care about. it was a positive pregnancy test, two lines of truth. - but you didn’t want to press his boundaries when he needed this much alone time . . . So you left, expecting a call from his work phone relatively soon.

but it never did come.

It was late when Atsushi had called you, it wasn’t entirely uncommon that Dazai would usually have to stay around late for unexpected meetings, but there was something different about this call - you had been on edge all night, you thought it was just jitters at the moment because of the anticipation of his call and hearing his voice coo about the very tiny bundle in your stomach. not even the size of a jellybean right now.

you had picked up the phone in a hurry - expecting to hear Dazais voice . . . only to be greeted with another.

" miss (y/n)? . . . I’m so, so sorry . . . " you heard the young man’s voice speak in a cracked voice and you didn’t even have the time to ask what in heavens name he would be sorry about when he started to sob. he explained everything, no matter how hard it was to hear and how hard it was to say. He explained the fall, the motive and he explained that chuuya would be the new mafia boss - and then he asked you to help clean out Dazai office and everything belonging in it. keep the trinkets you wanted, same with the last boss . . . and the one before.

you dropped the phone to the floor when he said Dazai was dead - the screen cracked but it wasn’t as broken as your heart right now. You almost fell too, knees weak and you had to stabilize yourself on the countertop as you felt like the whole world came crashing down.

" - I . . . I’ll be there, I-i . . . you sobbed and cried, it all felt so gut wrenching and it almost felt like some sick joke. But you knew, deep within your soul you just knew it wasn’t.

" miss (y/n) . . . I can ask chuuya to help you carry things - I did a little bit of snooping in his office after . . . I’m so sorry, I could never imagine . . . " the white haired man would speak quietly though the phone, you blamed him for your lovers death almost . . . You knew it wasn’t right - it didn’t even feel right, but you needed something to blame . . . Maybe yourself. If you noticed before - you would have begged him to stay. maybe he would have stayed. No, now you know why he didn’t. He didn’t want to stay - obviously. so he didn’t want you to waist your breath on it.

you hung up the phone - not wishing for anyone to hear you cry . . . but you heard the knock at the door twenty minutes later - you composed yourself, collected yourself so you would look strong when you felt so hopeless and alone . . . the earth itself felt as if it were breaking with your heart and the sky rained as if heaven mourned as well.

you opened the door to see the slug — erm, I mean Dazais dog — uhmmm . . . Chuuya at the door, he looked fairly composed and he had a box with everything in dazais office in it - it wasn’t a lot, he was never much for keepsake. Most of it just a few rolls of bandages with a framed picture of him and chuuya and the two of you together . . . and . . . His scarf, the bag with the test - and a waxed letter.

" . . . " chuuya said nothing as he sat the box by the doorway, processing to fiddle with the edge of his suit, fingers fidgeting against the nice stitching that embroidered the edges - it was awkward . . . More than that it was lonely - Chuuya was lovely, sure but you would trade everything for him to just say surprise and for it all to be a joke. . . It wasn’t, though. . .

tears dripping as you picked up dazais scarf, the black coat folded neatly underneath. Crying into his scarf as chuuya gave you an awkward hug . . . He didn’t know what to say, nobody did - it was all so . . . fast.

" tha - thank you for bringing me his things - i need so-some alone time now . . . " you choked on sobs as chuuya nodded and said his goodbyes, walking out. Leaving you to lay against the door with a sob as you cradled to scarf against your face, you cried and sobbed . . . You couldn’t even bring yourself to open the wax sealed letter, yet.

you stayed like that until dawn, you basically had to force yourself to crawl into bed, using his jacket and scarf as a blanket - the smell of the whiskey and his musky cologne were all that remained of him, well . . . That and the creation of your love in your tummy - it was a bit of both of you, it took two to tango and it was the only thing now you had left to cling to him. Even if it would be hard or painful, the baby was hardly even anything yet, just a clump of cells and it didn’t even have a heartbeat yet . . . You knew it was pathetic. But you were attached, it would be a baby soon if you kept it, maybe if you were lucky it would be smart like your osamu, so you decided to keep it.

The wax letter was still on your nightstand . . . you brought it over to yourself, wiping your tears as you carefully undid the wax, hoping to preserve it . . . reading a letter from a dead man is strange - you know you can never write back, and yet you never wish to write anything else. It’s even stranger when it’s the love of your life. never another kiss, a hug, a little wink when you both know a secret between the two of you, never another night of cuddles and comfort within each others embrace . . . never another ‘I love you’ . .

you opened your eyes once more, sitting up and turning on your phones flash to read everything - memorize every detail, every comma every swirl in his cursive and every sentence.

` my dearest and most beautiful love, `

how am I to ever start this letter? How am I to even go about this? I would like to start off with one thing at a time - just to unpack everything, I hope that’s enough to ask. I know it feels like nothing will ever be okay again, but it can and it will. I know you might even be angry at me, I would be too. I wish I could have stayed longer - in truth your the only one who could have ever made me wish to be alive, your the only one I would have lived for. And I love you more than anything, do realise that. But this is one of the only universes where oda is alive - I believe i told you this, no? - In order to keep it that way I need to martyr myself. I know it seems like the words I said of love are cruel and maybe even tasteless by now, but never doubt that they are true. I do love you and even beyond the grave I will continue to. I saw the test, love - I’m sorry I didn’t call but if I did it would have held me back. I would have wanted to stay, I would have wanted to stay with you if I held you in that hell - sent office for a moment longer. And I know you may or may not decide to keep it and I know I don’t deserve it - but if it’s a girl . . I really like the name Tomie, Tomie Dazai has a nice ring to it if you decide to use my last name - Will you do that for me?. know it will be hard being alone for now - I sent chuuya to look out for you, he’s a tad clueless when it comes to you but he’s fairly intelligent and I’m sure he will figure it out quickly. — maybe in another life, my love. Maybe we could have had it another way where it would be me and you. `

` —sending all my heart and then some more , your osamu.`

. ݁₊ ⊹ . ݁ ⟡ ݁ . ⊹ ₊ ݁ .

🏷️

@ruified @rusmii @sproutzai @saelique @atlasnessie @riiwrites

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