#Benadryl didn't even help me relax last night | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

turkeyborgers · 7 days

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I can't shake it. Of course a New Information flashback (remembering horrible shit from my past I had buried under hundreds of dissociative barriers) had to happen while I'm at work, with no booze, coke or weed at home, and while both of my main support people were busy with their own lives (and the one who's my boss was in a mood over another coworker being lazy).

I wish I was dead by now so I didn't have to remember everything that happened to me. I wish I could die tonight, or at least soon, but I can't do that to everyone in my life. I can't do that to my cats. They only have me. Romeo was on the street before me, and I'm pretty sure he had a home before that. Any fate he'd have after me would be too much abandonment for one cat. And then there's Pistachio. She's bonded to me. I'm the only safety she's ever known (I've heard a little about her past homes, and they were all abusive). She's been such a support for me that I owe it to her to keep her safe. (Plus I've half delusioned myself into thinking that if I die, so will Pistachio, and I could *never*)

I wish I had substances to ease the pain or help me relax (or even *gasp!* Sleep! Yup. That's not happening tonight.) I'm broke until tomorrow night and even if I could scrounge up the coins/get desperate enough to steal booze, nothing's open right now. I have about eight Benadryl pills, but lately, abusing Benadryl gives me horrifying intrusive thoughts and the last time I took a bunch, I got heart palpitations, so doing any more (even 8) feels like a suicide attempt, which. See above for why that's a no go. I can get weed tomorrow afternoon and alcohol that night, but sobriety is weighing on me. The lack of distraction makes my brain buzz.

I wish I didn't spend the last two decades self harming over shit like this, so that wouldn't be my first instinct to non chemically ease the pain. And yes, I've literally been hurting myself in some form or fashion since I was about three. What severe and repeated abuse does to a motherfucker, lol. I don't even get why I do it. It doesn't help anymore, especially if I do it sober. I guess it's just habit, but I need to break it. I already feel insecure on the dating scene with my self harm, and the fresher they are, the less likely anyone healthy enough to be with would be interested (sorry if that's phrased poorly). I want to stop but it feels too hard, especially on nights like this.

Anyway, I'll be fine. I think I just needed to scream about it. I hope I don't still remember, but if I do, therapy is Thursday and I'll cry about this shit to my therapist. I keep trying to gaslight myself into thinking it's not a big deal, but it probably is.

#vent #personal #suicidal thoughts tw #drugs tw #alcohol tw #self harm tw #anyway sorry if this is rambly #if this needs other TWs. please let me know. i know this is heavy shit

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crankycorviknight · 6 years

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(1) Hi, this is the insomnia anon, thank you for the tips you added to the post. Your advice is really good! The problem is, I panic pretty badly at night, so sometimes in the middle of my anxiety I just end up taking an extra pill because I'll be feeling too revved up to relax and fall asleep. You said you didn't know what I meant about not wanting to be dependent on medication, sorry for not explaining better, but I'll try to give you a better idea of what exactly is going on with me.

(2) I have been on a prescription sleep aid for a while. It was prescribed to me in 2014 after a traumatic event, but I always took it kind of on-and-off, and then towards the end of 2016 + all of 2017 so far, I have had to use it more consistently due to stress from a lot of things keeping me awake. Currently, I'm living a pretty isolated life (no friends nearby), I can't find a job, and am pretty sedentary (I take walks, but can't really do any heavier exercise due to physical health issues).

(3) I know people say there's no shame in needing medication, but I feel like at one point, I could have managed sleeping without needing meds, and I blame myself for it even though I really did try to get help. Like I tried to see a therapist at my university after my trauma, and the therapist specifically asked me if I wanted to make medication part of my treatment plan, and I said no, but then she said she couldn't keep meeting with me because I wasn't enrolled as a student at the time.

(4) Also, my best friend had moved to Korea a month before my traumatic event (she still lives there since it's where her husband lives and they are planning on starting a family soon). So, I think out of desperation for not knowing how else to deal with my trauma and insomnia on my own, and suffering so badly every night, I saw pills as the only way to get my sleeping patterns back to normal, and kept telling myself it would only be a temporary thing.

(5) But then other things started getting worse and unbearable for me, and by then, I realized, "Okay, my body has gotten used to depending on these pills to sleep now" so it makes me feel trapped. The problem is that I don't want to run into a situation where maybe I can't get my prescription filled on time and end up sleepless and feeling awful, or maybe in the future when I'm married and want to become a mommy, I know taking pills could possibly cause a risk during pregnancy.

(6) Plus I just really miss when I didn't have to put so much thought into falling asleep and could just go to bed naturally when I felt sleepy (I literally cannot feel sleepy anymore, unless I medically induce it), not calculate how many pills will give me how many hours of sleep, and all this nonsense. My doctors are pretty much useless because either they tell me to just get used to staying on the pills forever ('cause I guess they think I'm too messed up for anything besides that)

(7) or they tell me they think I should be off the medication, but don't tell me how to do it because "Whoops, sorry, I don't specialize in that." So I realize I am quite alone in this, except for God. He is the only reason I have been able to hang on this long. I don't know how else I would have managed to get through my trauma, my physical health problems, my loneliness, my heartbreak, and everything else that has caused me so much pain that no one around me seems to care about or understand.

(8) But this still feels like such a mess, and when I reach out for help from people in-person, either they don't realize what the problem is and act dismissive, or put all the blame on me for not being able to sleep normally, even though I would do literally anything NOT to suffer with insomnia, anxiety, depression, trauma, and all this other junk going on in my head that started this whole mess. Thank you so much for listening, I hope you're doing well! (End, sorry this ended up being so long)

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First of all, I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this. This sounds incredibly frustrating, and that’s probably an understatement. I’m honored you would open up to me about this. Its not your fault, what you need is help and support, not a cold shoulder or to be told that you’re messing yourself up. You��re in a state of gradual recovery, and I’m sorry its taking so long.

Shoot man this would be the case I would suggest seeing a therapist because from the looks of it this whole thing stems from the event you’re talking about. I don’t want to risk saying something misleading since I’m frankly not an expert or experienced with that, but I hope that at least opening up here has helped a little.

It’s definitely not the same as a therapist and it shouldn’t be a replacement for one but having a support group is important. Like I’ve said you’re more than welcome to talk to me, be it anon or IMs or discord if you’re open for that. And you’ve already messaged her but @my--darling--dear is a sweetie that’ll be more than happy to give you support or cheer you up with silly memes. There’s also @strawberry-milktea ! Rachel is a very kind and calm person, she’d be more than happy to talk to you.

I’m glad that you’re able to go to God with this, because sometimes? That’s all we can really do. I’ve had many, many silent battles. I recently got out of a really bad mindfunk where I had suicidal ideation every day. But I managed to get by every day, and for now, I’m okay. My faith and trust in God was just enough to make it. But I was also blessed with friends who kept me from the edge as well. Maybe I’ll lapse again, I mean, its a part of life to have ups and downs but I have faith that my friends, family, and God will be able to lift me up again whenever that happens. And resting in that helps so much.

It’s hard, sometimes it feels like there’s no response from Him. But logically, nothing can stay the same forever, with God as the exception of course. At one point, this will pass. There will be ups and downs in recovery, but day by day we do get better. Really, that’s the key. Take it one day at a time. Dwell on the promises of God. This dark time won’t last forever. And know you are not alone, and that people like me and Missy care about you very much and want to see you feeling better.

I actually asked a few other family members what they do with their insomnia and I would suggest researching if these are right for you since I deeply respect your desire to be a mother one day and I don’t want to risk your fertility. My dad takes benadryl on a nightly basis and it seems to help him. Other allergy medications also have a drosiness factor to em, I don’t know if it’s strong enough to knock you out but it might be worth looking into?

Also a bud of mine does this, doesn’t work for me as much but ASMR seems to help with relaxation. Not the weird lip smacking stuff, more like rain noises and the such. Mynoise is great (x) since it plays indefinitely and there’s tons of customization and soundscapes. The mobile app is kinda crap though.

Here’s some youtube playlists though that might help. At the very least it could give you some nice tunes.

Abzu OST

Journey OST

Relaxing Twilight Princess Mix

Relaxing Okami music

Again, I’m praying for you, and please feel free to IM or message me whenever!

#long post #insomnia #suicide mention #Anonymous

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