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microwavdhamstr · 1 year

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bucky’s nightmares 🤝 reader’s insomnia

bucky barnes x f!reader

you can never fall asleep, he can never stay asleep

description: f!reader is up late every night with her insomnia and helps bucky through a really bad nightmare.

warnings: nightmare, insomnia, bucky is traumatized, nicknames (hun/honey, darling, doll), idk let me know what i missed

notes: first fic on here and first time writing one in a very long time. also this is not a self insert at all idk what you’re talking about you sound crazy.

wc- 2.1k

it’s been a few months since bucky finally left wakanda and moved onto the compound. you haven’t spoken much, however you couldn’t deny you were attracted to the ex assassin.

living in the room beside his was a wild card. between your insomnia and nosy nature you overheard most of his nightmares. you could never gathering the courage to open your door, afraid of bothering him, but that didn’t stop the need that grew in your stomach. the need to help. to hold. to heal. to love.

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tonight your insomnia was, like always, keeping you awake longer than you could bear. working in tandem with your anxiety to not only keep you up, but keep you on edge as well. every now and again you’d swear you heard or saw something lurking in the shadows of your bedroom. an occurrence you haven’t had since before bucky moved in. your solution was to slip into the common room with your laptop, turn all the lights on, and cuddle up on the couch with your favorite blanket. sleep wasn’t the goal at that point, it never was, but you needed to get the images out of your head. the images you created on your own that unnerved you to your core.

from your self-made cocoon on the couch, you hear the routine shouts from the one and only sergeant barnes. you pause your show as to not disturb the man, hoping he would lull himself back to sleep without interruption. little to your knowledge, he never just went back to sleep. every night, without fail, he’d make his way to the kitchen for a drink. he’d sit at the table for hours before returning to his room. and, to him, tonight was just like every other.

you hear the door open and shut, his sharp and unsteady breaths slowly moving closer. every light near you is on, and as much as you wanted to go unnoticed, you can’t turn them off. you know what waits for you in the darkness. there was no avoiding whatever might happen next.

he quickly comes into view and he looks awful. his eyes are glued to the floor, his hair is damp and stuck to his forehead, he is slightly pale and clammy, you could see him trembling in fear of himself. it’s wasn’t until this moment that you truly realized how similar the two of you are. both tormented by your own minds on a daily basis, both depriving yourselves of rest against you own will, both being held captive in your own heads.

it doesn’t take him long to notice the lights, glancing around until he found the culprit. the girl on the couch buried under a think blanket. the girl who rarely left her room if she didn’t need to. the girl who kept to herself as much as possible. the girl he couldn’t quite profile no matter how hard he tried.

he freezes when he sees you. and you, well you look like a deer in headlights. he holds eye contact for a few seconds before continuing to the kitchen. you continue to sit in silence, frozen still, now holding your breath for some reason. he acts as if it was no big deal. as if you aren’t even there. but you can’t seem to move.

you hear him pour a glass of water and pull out a chair to sit on. you feel his eyes on your back. there’s no reason for you to feel scared and you’re certainly not scared of him. more like you’re scared of bothering him. you don’t want to interfere with his nightly routine. you don’t want to upset him.

“you gonna breathe anytime soon?” you forgot to account for his enhanced hearing. turning towards him, you take a slow breath and give him a nod.

“sorry, i uh-i don’t mean to intrude. i can go back to my room if you want.”

“not intruding, doll, you live here too.” his voice is soft, yet a little rough.

you sit up, moving your laptop and blanket off of your lap, giving him your attention.

“what are you doing up, anyway?”

“can’t sleep,” you shrug, “never can.” he doesn’t respond.

the silence settles for a moment before it bothers you.

“another nightmare?” you question as if you don’t already know the answer. he gives you a stiff nod anyway. “you wanna talk about it?”

“can’t,” he stands up and places his empty cup in the sink, “never can.” and he retreats to his bedroom.

————————————————

the next few weeks are similar. your nights have been getting worse, hallucinations beginning to form in the darkness of your room until you can’t stand being in there at all. bucky’s nights have been just as consistent as always. there was more conversation as time went on and the two of you were becoming comfortable with this new arrangement.

you take your spot on the couch and play family guy on your laptop until you hear his telltale shout, pausing the show and waiting for him to join you.

but he doesn’t. he keeps screaming. you can hear his cries. his pleads. his pain. you hurry into his room to find him shaking, begging for his torment to end. he hasn’t woken up yet, you start to think he isn’t going to, not on his own.

instinct takes over as you rush to his side, cupping his face in one hand and grabbing his flesh hand with your other.

“no, no, please. stop. stop! don’t! please don’t! no more, no more! please, i’m sorry!” his voice begins to quiet but you can still see the terror in his face, feel the tension in his hand.

“bucky? bucky, hun, wake up! it’s just a dream, you’re not there! you gotta open your eyes and come back to me, buck, it’s not real,” you ramble in his ear, stroking his cheek and squeezing his hand.

he shoots up with a large inhale, getting air in his lungs before processing your presence. but once he felt you he scrambled away, needing to distance himself from you. needing to protect you from him.

“hey, hey, it’s alright. it’s just me. it wasn’t real. you’re not there, you’re right here,” you moved closer to him, taking his flesh hand in yours once again, “you’re okay. just focus on your breathing, okay? you’re alright, you’re safe.”

he takes a moment to settle his breaths before speaking up.

“out.”

“what?”

“get out. don’t wanna hurt you,” his panting now slow but heavy.

“you’re not gonna hurt me.” you squeeze his hand slightly for reassurance. “you’re not there, you’re not him, and you’re not gonna hurt me.” your thumb massaged the back of his hand.

“you don’t know that.�� you l hear the sadness in his voice. the worry and fear. you trust him completely, but he won’t trust himself. he can’t. he knows the winter soldier is gone but he still can’t find it in himself to actually believe it.

you pull him toward you softly, feeling him tense in your grip.

“it’s okay, jamie, just relax,” he doesn’t, “you’re in your room, in your bed, you’re safe here, you didn’t hurt anyone and you’re not going to. i am right here with you and i’m not going anywhere. just lay back down,” he does, “i’m gonna get you some water, okay? i’ll be right back.” he nods, lungs still heavy.

you do just as you said, racing to the kitchen and grabbing a cold bottle from the fridge. returning to find him laying still.

“here, hun, sit up.” he didn’t realize it, but the nicknames you occasionally throw in help him relax. they make him feel safe. he wonders if that’s how you feel when he does it.

he follows your command and sits up to drink the water, chugging half the bottle before taking another large inhale. you rub circles on his back to help ground him some more, letting him take all the time he needs.

once empty, you take the water and place it on his nightstand, while doing so you hear him sniffle.

is he… crying?

“let it out, it’s alright. you’re safe here.” you wrap your arms around his shoulders and pull his head into your neck, rubbing his back once more. he doesn’t fight back this time, instead he simply lets you guide his body into yours. and, for the first time since wakanda, he lets himself cry.

you continue to hold him, murmuring “it’s okay” and “you’re safe” over and over in his ear. giving him every ounce of comfort you could find within you.

after what felt like an eternity to him, he finally calms himself down. you feel his arms wrap around your torso, keeping his head on your neck, pulling you into his lap as close as possible, tightening his grip on you as if you’d vanish the moment he let go.

“you okay now, darling?” he nods softly into your shoulder, “do you wanna lay back down?” he nods again.

you attempt to get up and reposition the two of you, but the second you loosen your grip he tightens his. instead he just lays both of you back, pulling you on top of him, not once letting go of you. you don’t really care as long as he is comfortable and content. your hands find their way to his hair and you massage your fingers into his scalp.

“jamie, hun?” you mumble into his ear. he lets out a soft “hmm” in response. “if you ever wanna tell me about your nightmares, you can,” you felt him begin to tense up again, “you don’t have to, but i know they’re scary. and this was the worst you’ve had since you got here. maybe talking about them will help them go away.” he still hasn’t told you about any of them but you have ears. he’s never screamed like that before. never cried that hard. never pleaded that desperately.

there is a thick pause before he responds, you can almost hear the gears turning in his head. he pulls his head from the crook of your neck and moves you to his right side.

“it was after i met steve again,” he started, “i remembered him. they didn’t like that i remembered him. they ke-kept trying to ‘reset’ me but i-i just kept remembering him. they wouldn’t stop trying. in two weeks i was in and out of cryo m-maybe thirty times and every time i came out they-they-” his breath falters and you can see the tears swelling in his eyes.

“it’s okay, you don’t have to say it honey, i know.” your soothing voice pulls him back down. reminds him where he is. you reach for his metal hand, the one he was conveniently trying to keep you away from, and when you find it he pulls back.

“w-what are you doing?”

“it’s okay, buck. gimme your hand.” he hesitates but eventually complies. you trace the metal fingertips slowly, taking your time with each knuckle. you bring it closer to you, planting a soft kiss on the back of the chilled prosthetic hand. “have you talked to steve about your nightmares?”

“no, i-i… i can’t.” the defeat in his tone breaks your heart.

“why’s that hun?”

“he’s already done enough for me. he doesn’t need to see the ugly parts anymore, he doesn’t deserve it.”

“and you do?” the delicacy behind your words proves to him how much you truly care.

for a moment there is nothing. no sound, no movement. no tension either. it’s comforting.

“doll, why are you being so nice to me?”

“because i care,” you respond without skipping a beat, “because you’ve been through so much and you never deserved any of it. because you’re still being tormented by the awful things those people did to you. because you aren’t being nice enough to yourself. because i love you. bec-”

“don’t say that,” he cuts you off.

“why not?”

“you’re only saying it to make me feel better, you don’t mean it.”

“of course i’m saying it to make you feel better, why should that mean it isn’t true?” your hand makes its way back to his cheek, “why don’t we just go to sleep and talk about this in the morning, hmm?”

“thought you never sleep.” his voice sounds lighter than before. you giggle at his comment.

“then you sleep and i’ll just hold you. that sound better?” he gives a small smile.

“whatever you say, doll,” he takes your hand from his face and holds it to his chest, “for the record, i think i love you too.”

you smile and nuzzle further into him, “goodnight buck.”

#bucky barnes #bucky x you #nightmare #bucky angst #bucky fluff #bucky x reader #bucky barnes x reader #marvel #winter soldier #marvel fluff #marvel angst

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mrsbarnesxxx · 11 months

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Nightmares

Summary: you comfort bucky during a nightmare and eventually, help him sleep through the night

TW: angst, nightmares, brief descriptions of torture, flashbacks, trauma, mentions of Bucky's torture, Alexander pierce, PTSD, pet names, female reader

James?" You ask sitting up in your bed.

You turn on the light and look around to see he isn't there.

"James, sweetheart?" You ask again standing up and walking around the room.

"Buck-" you stop when you see him on the floor. Sweat covering his body. Chest heaving quickly. "Sweetheart?" You say softly trying to wake him up as you kneel beside him.

"No. No! Don't touch her!" You hear him yell before he shoots up. His breathing is erratic at best and his eyes are full of terror. "Y/n? I'm so sorry. Did I wake you?"

"No, sweetheart, you didn't. Are you okay?" You ask softly as your hand comes up to caress his face.

"Just another nightmare." He says sadly, stoic persona covering his emotions quickly.

"Don't do that, bucky. Talk to me. Let yourself feel things." You say a little frustrated.

"Okay. I'm sorry." He says face dropping. "It was awful. I'm not okay and I'm not sure when I will be or if I will be, but right now I'd like for you to go try to get some sleep. It's late."

"Only if you come with me." You propose.

"Okay." He says giving in easily.

This continues for a few nights, he'll wake up from a nightmare to you holding him. After the fourth night, things start to change.

They had you. They had somehow gotten to you on one of your missions before he could stop them. So now they had you and you were strapped down to a chair like they did to him.

"What shall we do to her first?" Pierce's voice rang through his ears. "Torture her, or inject her with the serum?"

"You touch her and I'll fucking kill you." He says roughly.

All of a sudden, everything changed. He heard a soft voice in his ear.

"I'm okay sweetheart." It said. "That's right baby. It's okay. Take a deep breath." It modeled a breath for him and he did it. "Good..good. now get some rest sweetheart. I'm right here. I'm safe. You've got me."

That was the first night in probably 70 years that he slept through the night. And slept well too.

He woke up in the morning to you lying next to him. His arms wrapped around your frame. Cuddled up and sleeping contently in the super soldier's embrace. You looked so fragile. So innocent. So sweet.

"I've got you."

#bucky barnes #bucky imagine #bucky x female reader #bucky x you #james bucky buchanan barnes #mrsbarnesxx #nightmare #tfatws #sam wilson #bucky fanfic #bucky x reader #sergeant barnes #james buchanan barnes #mrs

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a-reader-and-a-writer · 6 months

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Remember....

AI-Less Whumptober 2023: 6. Mind Control, 23. Begging, 24. Hunted Down, 25. Nightmares, Alt. 11. Suffocation, Alt. 29. Prison Fandom: Marvel, Bucky Barnes, Winter Soldier, f!reader Summary: When reactivated while infiltrating a HYDRA base, the Winter Soldier is now on the hunt for the two people Bucky cares most for in this world. Word Count: 2171 TW: Character Death (or is it...?), Nightmares, Mind Control, Choking, Hunted Down, Chased Notes: A huge thank you to @musings-of-a-rose for the ask that inspired this! 🥰 Also thank you so much @loverhymeswith for beta reading for me! Part of @ailesswhumptober's event

The snow had just begun to fall once more as The Asset entered the woods. Around him, the wild underbrush jutted out through blankets of undisturbed frost, and the bare trees stood like shadows against the moonlight. Anyone else may have paused to take in this haunting beauty, and yet, he stalked forward without the slightest hesitation. Beauty and nature meant nothing to him, especially on a night like tonight. Because tonight, the Winter Soldier was on a mission.

He continued deeper into the woods, his steady stride never wavering as he tracked his prey. Two SHIELD agents had infiltrated the base he had been guarding and, as they fled into the woods, his handlers ordered him to terminate them. For just a second, there was the slightest hitch in his march as a thought tickled at the back of his mind: He couldn’t remember anything before the order. It was as if time hadn’t existed until that moment.

But the thought disappeared as quickly as it had appeared and his steadfast pursuit continued. It didn’t matter anyway. He was made to follow commands and nothing else held any importance to him. So, even if this one order was the only memory he had, that was enough.

The Asset reached a small clearing in the trees and paused, listening intently to the silent landscape around him as his eyes scanned the area for any indication of where his prey had gone.

To his left, there was a set of heavy boot tracks imprinted into the snow and the underbrush had been haphazardly pushed aside leading in a clear path. Small splatters of blood stood out against the pure white canvas further illuminating the trail. It was all so blatantly obvious that even someone with absolutely no training would be able to spot it. It was the sort of trail left by either an amateur or someone deliberately attempting to draw his attention.

To his right, however, the snow had barely been disturbed to the point he had to kneel in order to truly see anything in the pale moonlight. And even then, only the faintest of markings could be made out in the densely packed snow, boot prints that could have only been made with the gentlest of care.

Most hunters would take one look at the first trail and charge after the prey in that direction. Whatever had gone that way was apparently hurt, possibly to the point of not being able to mask their escape route. However, the Winter Soldier was no ordinary hunter and he instantly recognized the trails for what they were. The pair of agents had split up and they were trying to draw him towards the stronger of the two.

He stood and resumed his hunt—taking the path to the right.

Though they had escaped before he was able to get more than a glance at them, The Asset had identified the agents as a man and a woman. The man was taller, broader, and most assuredly stronger than his companion. In fact, he may even pose a challenge to The Asset in hand-to-hand combat, something that he had rarely encountered.

However, everyone had a weakness. And by the way the man had shielded the woman and aided in her escape into the woods, it was clear that she could very well be that weakness. By tracking her down, The Asset would not only be able to take out the easier target first, but if he captured her, he would have leverage over the man. A leverage he could use to take out the man as well.

Suddenly, The Asset picked up the faint sound of panting up ahead and he lengthened his stride. Within a few moments, he caught a glimpse of the woman through the trees as she hurried as quickly as she could while still creating those faintest of footprints. However, she must have caught sight of him out of the corner of her eye because her head whirled in his direction and their eyes locked across the snowy woodland.

They both froze in place as they held one another’s gaze. And slowly, her wide-eyed panicked expression softened and, inexplicably, she gave him a cautious smile as her eyes sparkled with a hopeful gleam. She mouthed something he couldn’t understand but it ultimately didn’t matter. He didn’t need to know what she had said in order to complete his mission.

But as he took a step towards her, the terror instantly returned to her face and she bolted, no longer concerned about masking her tracks. She fled into the trees as fast as her legs would carry her but it was going to be a futile effort. She was no match for the power of the Winter Soldier.

He took off after her, weaving in and out of the trees with ease. As he began to close the distance between them, the woman pulled out a gun and pointed it at him. There was a momentary hesitation….then the sound of the gun shattered the quiet of the night.

The Asset easily blocked the bullet with his left arm and continued running. The woman let off a few more shots but he continued to either avoid or deflect them. Possibly because she wasn’t able to aim as she fired while still running, but he found it strange none of the shots were targeting his head or chest. Even if he slipped up and a bullet did manage to hit him, with their trajectory, they would only cause minimal damage. They would definitely slow him down but they would not do enough to stop him for good.

As he closed the distance, he heard the recognizable click of the trigger being pulled on an empty gun and the woman swore. Tossing the gun to the side, she reached for a second weapon, but it was too late. He had caught up to her.

Reaching out, The Asset grabbed the back of her tact vest and hurled her into the side of the nearest tree. She slammed into it with a sickening thump and the sound of breaking bones followed. Curled at the base of the tree, the woman screamed as she grabbed her left shoulder, her arm jutting out at an unnatural angle. But that didn’t stop her from trying to escape him.

As he stalked towards her, she used her feet to push herself back a few feet until she bumped up against a tree. Looking up at him, tears streaming down her face, she begged as he approached, “Bucky, stop! Don’t do this, please! Baby, this isn’t you, not anymore. The Winter Soldier is gone. You’re James Buchanan Barnes—you’re Bucky—and you don’t have to do this. Just try to remember. Please, baby, please come back to me. I love you! Just remember!”

But her words meant nothing to him.

The Asset’s metal fingers closed around her throat and he lifted her off the ground. Her legs began to thrash frantically in the air as her fingers on her right hand clawed at his own. It was an instinctual act, her body attempting to free her windpipe despite the obvious uselessness of her nails on Vibranium. She tried to choke out more pleas for her life, but all she could manage were a few raspy hisses. Her eyes were bulging in her head and The Asset watched as her blood vessels broke and clouds of crimson leached into the whites of her eyes.

Soon however, her clawing and writing slowed to little more than a twitch as her body began to shut down from lack of oxygen. And just as he felt one last desperate gasp building in her throat, he tightened his grip. He felt the bones and cartilage in her neck give way with a loud crunch and her body instantly went limp in his grasp.

The Asset heard someone calling out a name from behind him and the sound of something large crashing through the trees. He turned just as the other agent he had been sent to track down burst into the clearing. The man staggered to a stop as he saw his companion still dangling from The Asset’s hand.

As The Asset opened his fist, the woman dropped in a lifeless heap at his feet. In a mock imitation of her fall, the man dropped to his knees, tears streaming down his face. As he stared up at The Asset—not in fear or in defiance, but in agony—he whispered, “Bucky…. What did you do?”

The Asset reached into his belt, pulled out his gun, and aimed it directly between the man’s eyes as he said, “Who the hell is—”

Bucky bolted up from his resting place on the floor, chest heaving as he gasped for air, a cold layer of sweat coating his body. Looking around frantically, his breathing slowed slightly as he took in the sterile room around him and he remembered where he was. He had been sleeping. It had been a dream.

Collapsing back down with a sigh, Bucky stared up at the ceiling. He scrubbed his hand over his face as he attempted to wipe the vision of your lifeless body from his mind, but it didn’t work. No matter how hard he tried or what else he focused on, you were still there, hanging limply in his grasp as he heard the crunch—

Sick to his stomach and struggling to get his heart to stop racing, Bucky climbed unsteadily to his feet. However, he had barely taken two uneasy steps before he reached the wall and was forced to turn, take a few steps, and turn again. For the most part, he had become accustomed to his tiny room—after all, it was still a vast improvement over the cryostasis chamber he had spent the majority of the last fifty years in. However, at night he wished he had some way to work off his adrenaline-fueled energy. Not that he really wanted to go back to sleep. Sleep meant dreaming, and dreaming meant repeating this cycle all over again with the same agonizing scene playing in his head.

Because it wasn't just a dream…it was a memory.

Six months ago, a HYDRA agent had gotten ahold of his trigger words and reactivated the Winter Soldier when Bucky tracked him down along with you and Steve. Trapped once more within his programming, The Asset had been ordered to find and eliminate both of the SHIELD agents that posed a threat to HYDRA. Steve was able to bring Bucky back just before he could complete his mission, and he re-emerged from the conditioning to find you lying at his feet—your throat crushed and tears still staining your face.

You who had never given up on him no matter what. You who had never looked at him with fear or pity, only kindness and understanding. You who constantly reassured him that he would never hurt you. You who he loved more than life itself.

You who he had murdered in cold blood.

Once he had been reexamined and deemed no longer a threat, SHIELD had agreed to let Bucky go and chalk your murder up to “collateral mission damage” but he had refused. He was a danger to every person he was around, especially the few remaining people he still had whom he cared about. The fact it took your death for him to finally accept that fact was devastating but he was never going to let it happen again. That was why he voluntarily offered himself over to SHIELD’s custody so he could pay for all of his previous crimes. SHIELD was more than happy to oblige him and they immediately confiscated his Vibranium arm and threw him in The Raft. Bucky just hoped they never let him out.

Steve hadn’t agreed with his decision—he still didn’t—and had tried everything he could to talk Bucky out of it. He pleaded for him to reconsider, that it had been the Winter Soldier who had ended your life, not Bucky himself. But Steve didn’t understand. No one did.

It didn’t matter where he spent the remainder of his life. From the moment your life ended, he had been given a life sentence of endless torment. Bucky might not have been in control that night, but that didn’t mean he didn’t remember what happened. That he didn’t hear your voice sobbing as you begged him to remember you, remember that you loved him. That he didn’t feel your fingernails snapping as they tried to dig into his metal hand in a futile attempt to pry it away from your throat. That he didn’t watch the last beautiful spark in your eyes flare once before fading into oblivion as he crushed your neck.

No. His mind had already become his prison before he was placed behind bars. And this time, there were no magic words anyone could say to bring him back and allow him to escape from it.

Taglist: @loverhymeswith, @tavners, @sunshineflowerchild789, @pansexualwitchwhoneedstherapy, @merlehs, @mandylove100, @writercole, @princessmisery666, @musings-of-a-rose, @mayhem24-7forever, @depresseddyslexic

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hogans-heroes · 17 days

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For real this made me think of Buck and Bucky 😭❤️

#each of them sensing when the other is having a nightmare #reaching out and pulling them in #masters of the air #buck x bucky #clegan #mota #john egan #gale cleven #😭

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sweater-daddiesdumbdork · 1 year

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Could you do this with Bucky? 30. “It was just a nightmare, love. It wasn’t real.” Maybe a mission went wrong and really affected the reader? Or whatever strikes your fancy. Thank you! You are amazing!

As much as I LOVE these scenarios, they always manage to break me a bit. (I think that's why I love them though.)

You felt them more than saw them, hands reaching from the darkest places going to grab you, making you scream and thrash to get away. They couldn't take you, not again. If they dragged you into the dark, you would never escape again.

The fingers dug into your shoulder and neck, pulling at your hair till your head craned backward and all around you the darkness hummed, a steady incessant beat that was driving you mad.

She is almost broken, sir.

Give her some more. If it kills her then we know she was weak.

Somehow your lungs filled with air, the scream penetrating you was making your ears feel like they were about to explode, and your whole body was thrown into fighting.

Your body jolted against someone's chest, clawing at them while you sobbed out, strong arms encasing you in a warmth you never were given before. "Y/N."

Your name, it cut through your nightmare. The whisper muffled against your temple was sharper than the haze in your mind's eye.

"Relax, I got you Doll."

You jerked, unable to control yourself, but that warmth, reassuring hold never faltered. "James?" You felt unsteady, waking suddenly under your partner.

He had you in his lap, your chest pressed to his, and your arms pinned between you two to keep you from hurting yourself. His touch was reassuring as he kept rubbing you, making you feel him with you, in the present, proving you were with him, safe in bed. You felt your breaths starting to rush, panic and guilt filtering to take over the dream you were stuck in before. "

"It was just a nightmare, Love. It wasn't real." Bucky whispered to you, soft presses of his mouth started to cover your face, helping to keep the panic at bay. You gave a shudder as you collapsed against his bare chest, your tears' hot salty streaks down your face slowly drying up.

"I didn't hurt you this time, did I?" You felt so bad, knowing Bucky would let you attack him in your sleep, taking the brunt of it while trying to wake you up, knowing if he tried to stop you, it would be so much worst.

"You just thrashed a bit Doll, trying to protect yourself."

"From you though? Why am I like this." You hissed out, hating yourself in that second for not being able to control it better.

Bucky tilted your head up, studying you. "Make no mistake Doll, I will be here every night to make sure you are not alone when you are made to remember what happened. I am not letting you face any of that alone."

You sniffled as you broke into a little smile hearing him. "Thank you for loving me, even though I'm broken."

"Arnt we all Doll? It's how we put ourselves back together that counts."

#amber answers #sleepy prompts #bucky barnes x reader #tw nightmares #amber writes #sweater writes

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fandomfluffandfuck · 6 months

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I can't get the idea of Steve having bad dreams while on the run out of my mind. I keep circling around the idea, no matter how much it makes my heart ache for him...

He's in a well-used, ill-repaired safe house with Natasha one night, covered by unmoving darkness as well as a sheen of sweat, thick with salt and grating against his skin and turned cold by the open living room air. He lied awake for hours before surrendering to sleep that could not even be fought off by the worst torrent of his thoughts. His sleep is anything but restless, though. He's sleeping on the couch, kicking and jerking unconciously, nearly rolling off and coming crashing down onto the hard, cold floor.

The safe house is mostly unstocked, all it provides exhausted, barren drifters like them are a roof and thin walls. The extent of lacking supplies extends to bedding. The only blanket in the place is on the bare, scratchy mattress in the back bedroom that's more the size of a closet where Natasha had crept back to sleep. Steve isn't sure he could make himself use the blanket even if he didn't have the excuse of the serum keeping him furnace hot throughout the night. It feels too... luxurious. He couldn't bear to have it right now. If he had the blanket, he would've kicked it off by now. It would be useless and crumbled on the floor, soaked through with sweat. Maybe even ripped in Steve's unconscious, fitful grasp. Yeah, it's a good thing he doesn't have a blanket.

Steve wakes up to someone shushing him.

He's so tired. He can't even run from the white water rush of thoughts and fears and animal, I'm-being-watched paranoia in his sleep. Did he ever even get to REM sleep? He immediately recognizes who is in the room with him, pushing against otherwise silent, static air.

Natasha.

Natasha is the one lifting him up, her arms strong and all-encompassing, wrapping him up, holding him together, and wordlessly beginning to trace looping, organic shaped over the clammy, knotted muscles of his shoulders and back. Steve feels his jaw tremble. Hot, prickling pressure in his eyes forces him to squeeze them shut. A huff of struggling, hitched breath heaves up from his chest and out of his congested nose.

Two weeks ago, Steve would never have expected Natasha to do this. He knew she wasn't all cold--perhaps he's niave for thinking no one could possibly ice all the way down, no matter the instincts hammered into them for however long--but... he trusts her with his life now. He feels her warmth. The rhythmic wash of her breathing across his skin, raising the fine hairs across his body to attention as shivers overtake his weak, depleted muscles. The beat of her heart in her chest. The woosh, woosh, woosh of her blood in her veins. The near-physical sensation of her silent support. I'm here. I'm here. I'm here. I heard you. I see you. I'm here for you. You're okay. You're crumbling, and I have your back.

Steve curls tighter into her, his head buried between her shoulder and neck. He's shaking. Crying, he realizes.

She says nothing about the tears wet across her skin, pouring fast and heavy out of Steve. She says nothing. No words. She simply shushes him again, rubbing his back and now rocking them both side to side. Regardless of the white noise of her shushing him, words overflow, spilling from his trembling, stumbling lips across the dark, dim shades of the spring-ridden, uncomfortable couch. The words surround them where they're entwined. Taking up so much space. Sounding so ugly. He can't stop blubbering about how much he misses Bucky.

Still, she squeezes him. If anything, she holds him tighter, rocking their bodies as if they're surrounded by water, taken by the waves. She holds him, keeping him afloat, and let's him cry, saying nothing but reassuring him regardless.

And he's falling asleep on top of her, too tired to worry about how heavy he is. So much larger than her. She's so much stronger than her physical body suggests, though. In every way. She is an immovable force when she wants to be. Steve has known that since he first met her, before he trusted her. He can't imagine not trusting her now. How could he not? How was there a time when he didn't?

As Steve's losing the battle again, on the cusp of drifting off to sleep, Natasha starts talking--

Her voice is rusty and rasping, so low that Steve isn't sure it's words at all until they wash over him. Guilt and loss and yearning. She whispers her words into his hair. Steve is the only one who will hear them; Steve is the only one she trusts right now to hear them. She misses her little sister. She has no idea where she is, other than... she's what Natasha was before Fury. Still. Probably. Maybe. Natasha misses her little sister. Her sister before she knew the horrors of what she was selected to become. No choice. Before the red room. Before. She misses before like Steve misses his Bucky from Before.

Before.

What an odd concept...

What was Steve Before?

What is Steve Now?

Steve wants to show Natasha the huge, swelling, bone-shattering appreciation he has for her. Holding him. Sharing with him. He wants to peel his skin back, to crack his ribs, and grab her wrist and guide her hand to his heart where it pulses and show her. Thank you. I trust you. I know you.

But, as is, blearily--drained all the way to his heavy, bare bones--Steve manages to wake up enough to squeeze her in shaking arms. He squeezes and squeezes until she gasps and tells him to let up, batting at his shoulder softly. He does. He apologizes for squeezing too tight. He apologizes for her sister. The same breath. If she thinks it's for just one or the other, she doesn't say so, and he doesn't clarify. Somehow, though, he knows she understands. Both. He's sorry. He wishes it could be different. He understands. He wishes neither of them did understand, though. If things could be different. They're friends, right? Would they be friends if things weren't here, now?

The night smears together after that, and they mirror the hour, sleeping together in a pile. Not just two, separate people but together. Comforting. Connecting. Understanding.

#fandomfluffandfuck #steve rogers #natasha romanoff #bucky barnes #stucky #yelena belova #nightmares #angst #hurt/comfort

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comfort-person · 1 year

Text

Forever and always

Synopsis: a nightmare triggers Bucky’s past and the reader has to somehow calm him down from attacking her.

The room was dark, Bucky’s hands were tied down by metal cuffs his whole body restrained as a man stood in front of him “soldier. It didn’t have to be like this.” The man spoke, he wore a long white lab coat. He was a man Bucky didn’t recognise one bit and that was unusual for him, Bucky could remember everyone. “You brought this upon yourself. Okay, bring her in.” As the man moved to the side Bucky watched as you were dragged in- hair a complete mess but that was no comparison to how much fear was in your eyes. He let out a shaky breath his fingers clenching as he grasped at anything he could. He wanted to say something tell them to stop and not to lay a finger on you but the mouth guard in his mouth refrained him from speaking up. “As soon as I say the words in order you will obey me, you will kill her.” The man spoke eyes cold as he stared at Bucky. He shook his head rapidly trying to stop him from speaking trying to get you the hell out of there:

“Longing,”

“Rusted”

“Furnace”

“Daybreak” Bucky’s breathing was uneven his eyes widening his jaw clenched tightly as grunts of pain and resistance left his lips. These assholes had no mercy did they? “Stop it you’re hurting him!” Your voice echoed around the room being the only thing he could truly grasp onto as the last thing to stop him from turning into the monster within “seventeen, benign, nine, homecoming, one…” an agonised cry fell from Bucky’s mouth his eyes full of rage as he struggled in his restraints as he began falling into this character these… monsters… had created. The puppet they had moulded into a good listener. An obedient cruel heartless monster. “Freight car” and as he spoke that was the last thing the winter soldier needed to hear, Bucky escaping from his restraints as he stood up his stature strong and confident as he looked at you as if you were a piece of meat and he was a predator awaiting to pounce “Bucky…” you whispered fearfully. “Kill her.” The man demanded and you watched in silent horror as Bucky charged at you in an inhumanly speed…

“Bucky!”

Bucky gasped awake sitting up sweat covering his entire body, little droplets of sweat trailing down his forehead as he panted hands resting on the material of the bed as he struggled to comprehend what was going on, “Bucky hey… hey…” your arms immediately wrapped around him but he pushed you away with a force he didn’t even realise as you tumbled off of the edge of the bed but managed to get your balance, “no no… n-no… I can’t. Don’t touch me… I don’t want to kill you.” He shook his head not even looking at you fearing that if he did he would kill you. Your heart sank as you gazed at him worriedly “you won’t b-“ “YES I will… he will… I..” he couldn’t even finish his sentence visibly out of breath as he closed his eyes tight trying to open his lungs more, his dog tags skimmed against his skin slightly clattering against each other with every breath he took his metal hand clenching over and over again as he tried to calm down. “Did you have a nightmare again?” You asked cautiously but he didn’t reply to you and you carefully moved to his side as you slowly reached out attempting to rest a comforting hand on his shoulder, you had often dealt with Bucky when he was like this but not to this extent. This was something Steve was more able to handle.

As your hand rested upon his shoulder he flinched and in one quick movement his large metal hand clasped around your wrist keeping a tight grip on it as he looked into your eyes, you could see the fear and torment. The grip was so tight that it hurt but you remained calm “Buck… it’s me.” You rubbed your free hand up and down his back slowly and gently not saying anything for a while, he clearly didn’t know what was going on and he wasn’t going to hurt you.. he was just trying to get a hold of himself. Realise that he indeed was still in control. “It’s me… y/n… it’s me… look at me.” You spoke softly and as he stared at you realisation soon clicked as he realised he had full control over himself a shaky breath leaving his lips as the grip on you loosened before he sat up bowing his head his hands resting against his head as he tried to calm his breathing down his body trembling and you carefully moved your hand to rest on his back as you began soothing against his skin, neither of you had to say a word to realise how much he was going through right now. He just needed you and you’d be right there for him. His body soon weakened against yours as he leaned into you allowing your touch to sooth him completely your lips soon pressing soothing kisses against his forehead, your fingertips smoothing some of his hair off of his forehead as you gazed into his eyes

“It’s okay Bucky… I promise you.” You assured with a comforting smile and he nodded, the tears in his eyes were visible but he tried his hardest to be strong. You both stayed silent as you simply held him, helping him calm down slowly but surely his breathing soon calming down as his eyes fluttered shut a soft shaky breath leaving his lips before he rolled onto his side his arms snaking around your waist as he pulled you close “don’t wanna hurt you.” He whispered against your skin and you lightly shook your head, fingers threading through his hair “you won’t. I promise.” You said softly, noticing the frown on his face “how do you know that I won’t hurt you?” He asked softly concern evident in his voice and you exhaled softly “because I know you wont.” You simply said and he nodded his head, he was plagued with nightmares and memories of killing all those innocent people… he couldn’t catch a break… they haunted his dreams… the screams they let out. Gods was it traumatising. His blue eyes began to darken the more he thought about it and you knew what that meant, you had spent long enough with him to realise that it meant bad and so you gently rubbed your thumb against his cheek leaning in so you could press a kiss to his lips the kiss immediately snapping him out of it “don’t think bad thoughts…” “but I hurt them y/n.” He whispered and you shook your head “he hurt them. You didn’t do anything. Yes your body was there but your mind wasn’t. You aren’t to blame…. Don’t get into that mindset… I love you… you’re my world… I trust you with my life and soul…. I trust you Bucky.” You said softly watching as he seemingly calmed down completely as he cuddled into your embrace his arms remaining tight around you “they’re just nightmares now I promise… not real life. Okay?” And slowly he nodded burying his face into the crook of your neck and you smiled holding him close to your body “I love you.” He said softly and you tightened your arms around him “I love you too, Buck… forever and always.” Feeling him nod as he settled into your embrace,

“Mm… forever and always.”

#bucky fanfic #bucky barnes #winter soldier #bucky x you #comfort #nightmare comfort #james bucky buchanan barnes #marvel #mcu bucky barnes #sebastian stan #comfort imagine #hail hydra #hydra Bucky #the winter soldier #short story #yn x bucky #bucky x y/n #bucky x female reader #bucky x reader

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kraviolis · 10 months

Text

*clings onto any and all characters who show both subtle or explicit signs of plurality from all of my various interests and hyperfixations consistently throughout my entire life* no no its all a coincidence im just fascinated with the concept i certainly dont relate to it haha

#krav talks #princess luna + nightmare moon #oscar pine + ozpin #greed + ling #otto octavius + his actuators #anakin skywalker + darth vader #steven universe's human + gem halves #also permafusions in SU #widowmaker sort of #bucky barnes + the winter soldier #kris deltarune + their soul #asriel dreemurr + flowey #frisk + chara (in some headcanons/AUs)#bill cipher + dipper/ford #The Gravity Falls Hive AU #oh my god remember that. that was actually so fun #when everyone in our little corner of the GF fandom read this one GF fic and then one by one we all edited our icons to have neon green eye #and began preaching about how nice it is to be a part of the hive and it jumped from discord to tumblr and spread even further #im counting cleo shaw here even tho she just dissociates heavily and has amnesia but doesnt really experience plurality #im also counting james randal even tho his plurality manifests more physically than mentally. as in there r several different james randals #he has like the opposite of DID. theyre all the same james randal but just in different places at once #ALSO. unfortunately in my youth i clung so hard to MKR and fake AH crew vagabond. rip #*insert joke about crushing on an internet man as a teen and only finding out as an adult that i actually had a chance*

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themorningsunshine · 2 years

Text

My night demons

Pairing - Bucky Barnes x f!reader

Summary - Soulmate AU - In which one can see their soulmate's dreams and communicate with them through those dreams.

Or,where Bucky thinks there is not the slightest chance in the world that he has a soulmate but then why is there a girl constant in his nightmares, trying to calm down his night demons?

Warnings - Nightmares, some depiction of violence (lmk if you think there’s more)

Word count - 5.9k (oops!)

Dreams are in italic.

"Buck, are you sure it's not that?" Steve narrowed his eyes at his best friend as Bucky sighed and moved further into his chair as if that would make him disappear. He should have known this was a bad idea. He should have stayed quiet. Steve had enough on his plate already. He didn't deserve to be pulled into the mess that was his mind.

So, he shook his head and replied, "It can't be, Steve. It can't." He sounded as if he was trying to convince himself more than anybody else.

Steve looks at him like he doesn't believe him and it's one of those times when Bucky feels bad for him. Steve just wanted his best friend from the 40s back. The friend who was outgoing, charming and lived life like there was no tomorrow. Not this broken mess of a man he was now. But as much as Bucky tried, he couldn't get back to who he used to be. Because that felt like someone from a different lifetime. 70 years with Hydra does that to you.

So, Bucky didn't want Steve to be involved with this. With his nightmares. He had even gone as far as making his room noise proof so that Steve couldn't hear his screams in the middle of the night when the person Bucky was most scared of was himself.

But something about his nightmares was different now. They were still about the same things, the people he killed, the tortures he endured at hydra but there was something different.

It started a few months ago. It was just another of his nightmares when he saw it for the first time.

It was raining heavily but the soldier couldn't care less. He had been waiting for his target, hiding in this spot for hours. He just wanted to complete the mission.

When the man finally showed up, he took out of his hiding spot with a knife in his hand. He couldn't use a gun. That would gather unnecessary attention. He didn't give the man enough time to try to run away. The soldier was tired. But he wasn't sure if it was because of the waiting.

He pounced on the man and without wasting a minute. pierced the knife through his chest, exactly where he supposed his heart would be. The man fell down, dead, with not an ounce of life left in him. The soldier didn't even spare him a glance before walking away.

It was still raining. He didn't look back once towards the scene. There was no point. He had made sure the man was dead. There was no point in looking back. But among all the rain, something caught the soldier's attention.

It was dark and almost impossible to see anything but he still saw her. Maybe because of his heightened sense or because she looked completely out of place.

She had no business in this dark alley, not at this time of the night. The soldier wasn't supposed to look but he did. Maybe they wouldn't notice that he was distracted for a second but he couldn't get himself to look away.

She was standing in the corner of the street, in a yellow sundress, her pretty e/c eyes looking straight ahead. He followed her gaze to see that she was looking at the body of the man.

The soldier wasn't supposed to leave any eye witnesses. No proves of the crimes he had committed when almost the whole world was asleep. Did that mean he would have to kill her?

When he looked back at her, he was almost taken aback to see that she wasn't looking at the dead man anymore. She was looking at him. Staring right at him, like he wasn't a shadow which should have been disappered by now. And she still didn't run away, scared like she should have in the beginning.

Bucky woke up with a start, covered in sweat, breathing heavily as a small scream left him. Like almost every night, he should have been disgusted by himself. The weight of guilt heavy on his shoulders as he remembered all the people he did wrong.

But that day, he did none of that. He didn't try to go back to sleep or berate himself for screaming when he wasn't the victim there. He just closed his eyes, trying with all his might to remember the girl in the sundress.

He could swear he hadn't seen her before. Not in any of his nighmares, not at hydra and thankfully not someone he had killed. He desperately tried to remember something, anything that could tell him who she was.

Steve and Dr Raynor had suggested him to not think much about his nightmates and normally, he tried to even if his conscience told him this is the least punishment he could give to himself for everything he had done. But now, he had to think about it. He had a reason to.

The rest of the day had passed in a blurr. Even after trying to reach the deepest, darkest corners of his broken mind, Bucky couldn't remember a thing about her. He was certain he had never seen her before. But then what was she doing in his nightmare? The thing that confused him the most was how out of place she looked. The beautiful girl in the dark alley, wearing a yellow sundress, her eyes far from fearful even after witnessing his crimes. She was a complete contrast to everything his life used to consist of and to some extent, still did.

After a lot of thinking, he decided it was better to not think about it anymore. It wasn't like he was ever going to see her again.

But he couldn't be more wrong.

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It was almost a week later that he saw her again. In another of his nightmares. but this time it was differen't.

The mission had been tiring. Exhausting.

Maybe that was why they didn't strap him to that chair. Because they knew he wouldn't be able to take that. They had to keep him alive, after all. Their weapon had to be functioning.

So, a couple of guards excorted the soldier to his cell. It was simple. They would throw him in and after about a day when his wounds had healed enough, they would put him back in the ice.

But this time when they pushed him in and he almost voluntarily let his body fall on the floor, he noticed something about his cell was different.

Too tired to investigate, he had closed his eyes by exhaustion when he felt it. A presence near him. Not an intimidating one, though.

He slowly opened his eyes and his blue orbs met e/c ones. He looked closely to realise it was her.

The soldier narrowed his eyes at her. She was looking as out of place here as she did in that alley, if not more. She was looking down at him and the soldier realised he was still lying on the floor.

"Are you okay?" That voice. It was the softest voice he had ever heard. Like a gentle breeze in the cold confines of this place. The soldier thought it was angelic.

"You are not supposed to be here." He said, choosing to not answer her question, but she didn't mind. Her eyes just held concern and worry.

"Neither are you." She replied and the soldier narrowed his eyes at her. This was his cell. He was supposed to be here but there was something inside him, something that told him she was right. That this isn't where he was supposed to be.

She looked down towards his arm and when her eyes landed on his severe wounds, her concern increased ten fold. The soldier swear he could see small tears pooling in her eyes and he had the sudden urge to tell her that he was fine.

"It's okay. I am fine." He whispered to her and hoped that she would believe him.

She just nodded her head and sniifled, trying to keep the tears at bay. He noticed that there was also anger in her eyes. Immense anger against somebody and he knew for a fact that it wasn't him. The way she was looking at his scars, he knew it wasn't him she was angry with, it were the people who had put him through this and he couldn't help but agree with her. "I hate them". He whispered again, his voice hoarse because of the lack of use and he realised this is the most he had spoken in.... well, as long as he could remember.

"That makes it the two of us." She smiled at him and the soldier felt his heart skip a beat, which was weird because he wasn't supposed to have one.

She just stared into his eyes and he felt like a warmth had surrounded him. A sort of comfort and warmth that he had never felt in this place. It was new, foreign but not a feeling he wanted to let go of.

He tried getting up to to sit straight but flinched when one of his wounds got rubbed on the hard floor below. He looked back up to see that she had taken a step towards him, her hands ahead of her as if she was about to touch him but stopped herself in the last moment.

Instead, she spoke, "It's okay. it's going to be fine. You aren't with them anymore. When you open your eyes, you'll be safe, away from them and they would never reach you. Everything will be fine."

The soldier narrowed his eyes at her as if he didn't understand what she was talking about, when the world around him suddenly started to blur and vanish around his eyes.

Bucky shot his eyes open. He was in his room, back in the compound. He would have told himself he was fine, that he wasn't with them anymore, that it was just a nightmare, but there was no need of that today. Because for the first time, he hadn't woken up from a nightmare with a scream.

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And that's how it was for a couple of months.

Every other night, Bucky would have a nightmare and almost all the time, she was there. Not as one of his tormentors or the people he had killed, but as his safe place. She was always right there, just when he needed somebody the most.

She calmed him down. Told him it was just a dream. That it was going to be okay. Her voice and her smile were the only things that kept him grounded amongst his night demons.

Bucky had stopped waking up from his nightmares breathing heavily or sweating. That feeling of guilt still weighted him down but he didn't berate himself anymore. In the darkness of his room, he didn't feel alone.

She had somehow managed to lighten up his darkest memories and before he knew, he didn't hate his nightmares that much anymore.

He sometimes wondered who she was. If she was even real or not. He knew one thing for sure that she wasn't a part of his memories. Maybe she was an imaginary figure conjured up by his mind for some peace. That should be it. She couldn't be real.

So, he talked to Steve about it and his best friend came up with the craziest idea he had ever got and considering the kind of ideas he got, it was saying something.

"No, like really, Buck, what if she is the one? What if she is your soulmate?" Steve asked for the fifth time that day and Bucky once again regretted his decision of telling him.

"Come on, Steve. That isn't possible and you know that."

"Why not, man? I don't see any other explanation to this." Sam spoke up from his spot on the chair in the corner of the room. It was a total accident that he had found out that morning too. Steve just couldn't keep his voice down while talking.

Bucky glared towards him. He had made him swear he wouldn't talk in this but Sam isn't really the kind of guy who listens. "You guys are being unbelievably stupid."

Steve sighed and kept a hand on his friend's shoulder. "Buck, she shows up in almost all your nightmares. She calms you down and you are telling me you have never seen her before. You can communicate with her through your dreams and there is a connnection there. I don't see any other explanation than her being your soulmate."

This was Bucky's turn to sigh and move away. "It's not possible, Steve. I don't have a soulmate. I can't and you know that."

"Everybody has one, man. Accept it." It was Sam this time.

"Even if I had one, they would be dead by now. Long gone. There's nobody there for me and I am actually glad. Imagine having your soul connected to me. " Bucky humoroulessly scoffed.

"Then who is she, Buck?" Steve asked gently this time as if he couldn't think of a way to convince his friend that it wasn't the case.

Bucky didn't have an answer to this question. He couldn't explain who she was. He couldn't even explain what she meant to him. Why he felt at peace even in the darkest of the places when she was around. Why he wanted to believe her when she said that everything was going to be fine. Why even a small smile of hers could be the highlight of his day.

So, he took the easiest way out. He could continue believing that she wasn't real and that way he didn't have to think about anything. Not what Steve and Sam said. Not what would have been painfully obvious if he hadn't known better.

Then it all changed.

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The man was screaming. He hated when his missions did that. Shouting and begging like that would make him let them go. He would have if he had the choice to but he had to go back to them and tell them about the success of the mission. That was how it was supposed to be.

He held the man by his neck on the roof. He could throw him from there or stab him. But there was a slight chance he could survive the fall. He couldn't take that chance. They wouldn't like it.

Just as he was unbuckling his knife from his sleeve, he sensed it again. He didn't have to look to his side to know that she was here. She always was.

He looked to see that she was standing a little far from them. The same concern and worry shining bright in her eyes.

"You don't have to do this." She whispered to him. He could never get used to how comforting her voice sounded.

He shook his head and replied, "I have to." He then looked back to see the man but to his surprise, there was no body there anymore. It was like the man had vanished into thin air.

He looked around for the man but when she stepped towards him and slid to sit down with her back to the wall, it was enough for him to completely forget about the man. He just stood there for a moment before sliding down and sitting besides her.

"You know, you don't have to do this. You don't have to be here." Bucky whispered. He wanted to know if she was real. He wanted to know why she was here, with him. Why she hadn't run away if she could.

"I want to be here." She whispered back and Bucky looked up to see that she was smiling at him. That smile, that damn smile which made him even more sure that she wasn't real. Nothing so pure could be real.

He almost scoffed at her sentence. Wanted to be here? If he was being true to himself, he himself didn't want to be here. But if she would sit beside him with that smile on her face and the glint in her eyes, the cloud of darkness covering this place wouldn't matter anymore.

"I am sorry" He whispered lightly but in the middle of the night, he might as well have screamed it. When she narrowed her eyes at him, he explained, "I am sorry that you were a witness to that. All of them. You shouldn't be here." He was so sure of that. Was it a cruel game of the universe? To let him know how it would feel like to have her around, engulfed in her warmth, only to take it all away later?

Maybe this was the universe punishing him. To let the man drowning in the endless ocean have a log of wood to save himself and just when he thought things could get better, just when he had started to hope, take it away from him. That would hurt. Even after everything he had been through, he wasn't sure he would be able to handle that.

Hope was a cruel four letter word.

"I trust fate." She spoke again, pulling him out of his thoughts. "I don't think it will lead us on the wrong path. I like to believe I am exactly where I am supposed to be."

Bucky jolted awake. He wasn't breathing heavily or sweating profusely, but tears pooled in the corner of his eyes.

It couldn't be. How was it possible?

She was his soulmate.

She was his literal better half and she was real.

She was out there and she was his.

She was his and Bucky couldn't hate himself more when he almost smiled at that thought.

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"I told you, Buck. Didn't I?" Steve nudged his best friend in the soldier.

It had been a week since Bucky had found out and he had not seen her since. He knew there was nobody else to blame except for himself.

In this week, he had tried his best not to fall asleep, specially not at night. When the sleepy feeling became unbreable, he would make sure that he didn't have a dream. Now that he knew that she was real, he couldn't do this to her.

Even if it meant him having a sore mood even worse than before the whole day. He doubted it was because of the lack of sleep.

Steve and Sam caught up on it pretty quick and started pestering him with questions when he finally gave in and told them that they had been right.

"Come on, man. You need to talk to her." Sam spoke up breaking his train of thoughts.

"I can't, Sam. She doesn't deserve to be dragged into this mess." Bucky replied with a sigh.

"You don't get to decide it for her, Buck. Sam is right. You need to talk to her. You have been going bad to worse this past week. Don't do this to yourself."

Bucky scoffed without the hint of any humour. "Decide? Have you not been listening? Has old age started to have its effect on you, punk? She is a part of my nightmares. She has seen me being him. She has seen me doing awful things. The first time she saw me, I was stabbing a man through his chest with a knife."

As much as he tried to hide it, Bucky saw Sam very slightly scrunching up his nose. He didn't blame him. He was disgusted by himself too.

"But she still stuck around. She came back again, Buck. That has to mean something. The universe has chosen her for you."

"Terrible for her." And Bucky meant that sentence with every fiber of his being. If he thought that the universe had been cruel to him when he hadn't died in that fall from the train, he couldn't imagine being her. Being so full of light, so gentle, so warm and being paired with somebody like him. Somebody whose brain was a mess. Whose life was a darkness that threatened to engulf anybody who came near. He truly felt bad for her. The least he could do was to try to stay away. Try to save her from the coldness he brought along. Try to not dampen her light with his life. Try to -

"But she chose you, man." Sam said after a long pause between all three of them.

As Bucky and Steve both looked up to him, he continued. "I don't know how it used to be back in your time but now, we form this connection with our soulmate willingly. This option to be a part of their dreams, to be able to communicate with them, brings with itself a choice of breking it too. Why do you think you are never a part of her dreams, Bucky? Because you never tried to make that connection. She does that because she wants to be there. With you."

Bucky's eyes widened as he stopped dead in his tracks. This couldn't be. Why would she want that? Why would she want to face his night demons? But there was another thought in his mind. Her dreams. How would they look like? He could bet they were nothing like his. There would be much lesser violence and much more colours, he thinks. But he would never know for sure. He couldn't be a part of her thoughts. That wouldn't be right.

"She has accepted you as her soulmate, Buck. It's time you do that too," Steve said looking intensely at his friend, trying his best to not let the huge grin take over his face. He was so happy for his friend. After everything he had been through, having a soulmate would be so much better for him. Somebody who would keep up with him, who could show him that there is lght at the end of the tunnel. Somebody he could love. And the thought that there was a girl out there, the most amazing person ever, according to Bucky, who was ready to be that person, not only because the universe decided it for her but because she wanted to. It filled him with exhilirating joy.

"I don't deserve her." That was all Bucky could say but that was the only thing that mattered. It didn't matter if she was a part of his nightmares willingly, he didn't deserve her kindness, nor her gentleness. Not any of it. Maybe she was too good to realise that but he knew who he was. Or more accurately, what he was. He used to be the man who was deprived of his humanity for decades, a weapon who killed people witout the slightest remorse, and now he was just a broken shell of a man he used to be, not something to cherish, not something to love.

"Stop that." Steve said with a finger raised towards him.

"I didn't do anything." Bucky replied with slight frustration in his voice. Not with his friend, but with himself.

"Stop thinking whatever it is that is going on in your head. You know it's not true."

Bucky let out a deep sigh. "Steve, you know it's not the same. We are not the same Brooklyn kids who thought about meeting our soulmates, about building a small house and spending our life with them. Times have changed, so have I." The idea of all that felt so foreign to him right now, he couldn't believe it was anything more than a fleeting thought of his past self. A self that died almost a century ago.

"But you deserve it, man. You deserve a second chance. A second chance at everything. Don't let it go." Sam said as he kept a hand at Bucky's soldier.

Bucky just stood up abruptly and walked out of the room. He couldn't talk about this right now.

Steve and Sam didn't understand but he did. They thought it wasn't his fault what Hydra made him do but they don't know the whole truth. They don't know how it feels. They don't know that he was there, all those years.

As a small part of his conscience, held as a prisoner in his body, being a spectator to the crimes he committed. That's what made him feel guilty. If he had fought stronger, if he hadn't been so weak, maybe he could -

No, he couldn't think that. He had to remember the words of Dr Raynor and Steve and Sam. None of it was his fault. It wasn't his fault. He didn't have a choice. He was a victim.

He desperately tried to convince himself of all that. That he wasn't just a weapon used by hydra, he was much more than that. He was James Buchanan Barnes.

He pulled at his hair, rubbed his eyes, let out a scream into his palms, punched the wall, which left a hole there, anything, absolutely anything that could ground him. That could convince him of everything everybody said. Until a voice echoed in his head, You don't have to do this, you aren't with them. Everything is going to be fine. More than the words, it was the gentle voice that did the thing on him. The soft voice that could silent all his internal screams and Bucky knew in that time, that he had to see her. To talk to her. Even if it was for the last time.

.❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。 .❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。 .❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。 .❀。• *₊°。 ❀°。

His eyes opened and he expected himself to be in a dark alley, waiting for his mission, or in an abandoned building slitting somebody's throat, or even in the cells at hydra but what he saw was far from all this. As far as it could get.

He was in an open area. He heard it, before he saw it. The voice of water waves hitting at the shore. He looked around to realise he was standing at a beach. It was fairly empty, except for some very distant noises of children shouting, he thought he was pretty much alone.

Then it hit him like a truck. This wasn't his dream. It was hers. He was inside her mind and it was exaclty like he had thought it to be, calm and peaceful. Just like her.

This made his guilt increase even more. Why was the universe so cruel to her? Why was she paired up with somebody who could only give her darkness and screams for dreams when she offered this peace and comfort to everybody?

He looked around until his eyes landed on her. There she was, sitting in all her glory, sitting on the beach not far away from him, staring right into the sea, with a blissful smile on her face. She was looking at the open sea as if listening to it. As if it was answering her questions. Bucky wondered if the sea animals talked to her.

Before he knew it, he was walking towards her. Taking slow but steady steps. She looked beautiful. With the waves reaching her feet as she admired the beauty of nature, she looked like the epitome of everything his life wasn't.

As if on cue, she looked up and her eyes met his. Her smile spread and it was almost contagious. She looked relieved to see him. If he hadn't known any better, he would have thought she was happy he was here.

When he approached her, she patted the land besides her, in an invitaion, a silent request. Something he could decline but who was he kidding? He would jump into the ocean if she asked him to.

He sat down besides her and followed her gaze towards the ocean. It was indeed beautiful. But none of the wonders of the world could compare to the girl sitting besides him. With a small smile on her face, her legs stretched towards the ocean, the wind slightly bristling her hair as it touched her face and Bucky felt an unjustified jealousy towards the winds and the ocean. How they got to caress her skin in the most gentle way possible. For a split second, he wondered how it would feel like to hold her.

They sat there in silence. It was comforting and Bucky thought he would let this silence swallow him whole.

"That was our holiday home when I was a kid." She whispered breaking the silence and Bucky noticed that she was looking somewhere in the back now. He followed her gaze to find a house, not so far away from them, a wooden house which looked like it was used by families as a weekend getaway.

He looks at her now and notices the longing in her eyes. It was like the home was something she cherished. She looks back and when her eyes met his, her expression didn't change and Bucky was taken aback. Why was she looking at him that way? Like he was something she could cherish. Like he was someone she could love.

Bucky shook his head and looked away as he whispered, "I am sorry."

She narrowed her eyes at him in confusion and when she was about to ask him what he meant, he continued, "I am sorry that you had to see my nightmares. I am sorry that you had to witness my crimes. I - I am sorry that I am your soulmate."

She was about to open her mouth to argue when Bucky interrupted her. He knew he would believe anything that fell from that mouth of hers and so he didn't want her to try to convince him otherwise. "You deserve better. You truly do. You don't deserve to face my night demons, just because the universe decided to play a cruel game of fate and make our souls attached. You don't have to do this."

She looked at him like she would have taken all his self doubt into her hands and thrown them into the ocean if she could. Like she wanted to convince him that everything he had said wasn't true. Like he deserved the world. But she knew it wouldn't do much good in trying to tell him that, so she told him something she had hidden for years,

"You know, for years I thought that I didn't have a soulmate. Like I was one soul in the world that the universe had decided wasn't worthy of another." She took a deep breathe and continued. "And I guess I had kind of accepted it. Accepted the fact that there was no one for me out there.

So, imagine my surprise when one night I am in a dream which didn't feel like mine. Like I was almost looking at it through somebody else's eyes. I saw a man being killed in the alley in front of me, not so far away and for a split second, I thought my soulmate was dead. It was a silly thought, but I wasn't thinking much anyways.

But when you turned around and looked at me, it felt like all the pieces had come together. Like I had found the missing part of my life and I can't describe the feeling, it was just... nothing like I had ever felt before."

Bucky stared at her in awe. He couldn't believe his ears. He had never thought for a split second that maybe, just maybe, it was the same for her. The feeling of comfort, of peace, of everything coming together, the feeling of home.

" It was so surreal, I didn't even know what to do. So, I just stood there, dumbfounded, unable to move. And then I woke up suddenly, in my room and I had known exactly what it was. But I was scared. It was funny. I wasn't scared that I had just seen my soulmate committing murder, I was scared that I would never see him again. Like it was just a cruel game of fate.

The next day, I saw your picture in the newspaper. I didn't even bother to read what it was about. I just could recognize those blue eyes anywhere. And then I realised who you were. James Buchanan Barnes.

Bucky Barnes was my soulmate and I can't put a word to how I felt. It was a mix of emotions. There was exhilirating joy, pride, a mix of everything, but one thing that lingered in my mind was doubt. After everything you had been through, a soulmate was probably the last thing in the world you expected."

Bucky lightly chuckled at the irony. A soulmate was what he had least expected, but probably what he needed the most.

"I didn't want to burden you. You didn't deserve that." She said and that caught Bucky's attention. Burden? She could never be a burden to him. Did she realise that her being in his nightmares literally made him sort of like them? Did she know that after a bad day when everything felt like going to shit, her comfort brought him back. Told him this life was worth living. But he didn't say anything, She had more to say and he would never interrupt her.

"But then I saw you again. In another one of the dreams and when I looked at you, I could swear I could burn that place to the ground. That those people should have gotten a taste of what they did to you. And in that moment, I knew. I knew that I wanted to be there for you. With you. Even if you didn't want a soulmate, even if you didn't want me, I'd be there."

Bucky couldn't help the happiness that surged through him. He didn't berate himself this time when his heart skipped a beat thinking that she was his. That maybe the universe had taken pity on him and made her.

He had never been sure about a lot of things. But right now, here, he knew one thing for sure. He wanted her. He wanted to be with her. That maybe, if she wanted him too, the thought of being by her side for as long as he could, wasn't an unattainable dream after all. That maybe the saying that there is light at the end of the tunnel could apply to his life too. Maybe he didn't have to be in a nightmare to see her.

"I want you. I want to be by your side." He blurted before he could change his mind. And if the way she was looking at him in that moment was any indication, he had just made the best decision of his life. But he continued, "I just- I. am a mess. I-"

"It's okay. I'll wait. I have waited for you for years, what's a little more?" She said, that smile still adorning her face.

At that, he smiled. She knew exactly what was going on in his mind. He didn't have to explain anything to her. Maybe that was a part of their soulmate connection or he was just too easy to read around her.

And that was when Bucky knew, that she was right. Fate had led them to each other and he was exactly where he was supposed to be,

Then, she spoke up, breaking the silence, "Oh,, and Bucky, I am y/n."

And he looks at her like he just realised what love is.

And the sequel is here!!! It’s called I think I saw you in my dreams once.

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