#But that's also why thank you to my mutuals for being amazing and totally stress free lol I love you'll
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Nicotine Stains Pt. 1 ༉₊˚✧
Modern!Kylo x Fem!Reader AU
➴ Summary: Your older brother's best friend seems to have everyone fooled. Everyone but you, that is.
➴ Part Two
➴ Word Count: 5k
➴ Warnings: 18+ MDNI, fem!reader, dom!kylo, slowburn, modern!delinquent!kylo au, virgin!reader, drug use, smoking, swearing, kylo breaking traffic laws for some pussy, kylo is a pretentious prick, why is kylo lowkey midwestern emo in this, mutual pining, finn my beloved is mentioned, some angst, fluff, SMUT (protected PiV sex, again reader is a virgin, fingering, a little scratching, slow n gentle sex, softdom!kylo, consent king !!, praise kink, pet names), typos probably
➴ Taglist: ( @enviedear @capitanostella @teapartydreams )
A/N: this may or may not be the most pretentious thing ive ever written but idc. also i want to give a special thank you and shout out to my beautiful mutual liv @enviedear for this idea! she totally helped me flesh out the modern!delinquent!kylo character and this fic would not exist without her. <;3 (also reader is NOT me bc if kylo ren played slipknot for me in his 1969 charger i'd fold immediately)
You sat at your desk, studying for your upcoming midterms and nervously chewing on the inside of your mouth. Mathematics had never been your strong suit and despite only being a month and a half into the semester, your calculus class was stressing you out to no end. The rhythmic ticking of your clock was not helping in the slightest, so you reached for your headphones.
This class is taking years off of my life for sure.
As you looked for a good playlist, you heard your bedroom window open behind you. You yelped, turning in your chair to face your window. Your panic died when you realized it was only Kylo, your older brother's friend.
Once he was finally inside, he shut your window before standing up straight. Kylo was probably the tallest person you knew, almost touching the low ceiling of your bedroom. You couldn't deny how your stomach did flips when you were stood next to him, not to mention he was absolutely fucking beautiful. Kylo's features looked like they were carved from marble and his long, dark hair always fell perfectly around his face. If he weren't so goddamn annoying, you'd like him a lot more.
You groaned. "When are you gonna stop coming in through my window you asshole?"
"It isn't my fault your window is the most accessible and the lock is broken." He smirked.
Your eyes narrowed as you glared at him. "The least you could do is knock, what if I like... had a guy over or something?"
Kylo laughed, walking over to you. He turned you in your desk chair to face your computer and pushed it in, before leaning down over your shoulder to look at your screen. "I think we both know that doesn't happen, kid." He jabbed before making his way to your door.
Your face felt hot, his audacity never failed to make you seethe. And his choice of nickname for you only made you madder. You turned to glare at him. "You fucker- I- you're only like 3 years older than me!??"
You heard him laugh as he walked out of your room and down the hallway.
What made it worse was that it seemed he had everyone in your family fooled. Kylo acted like an absolute angel in front of your mother, and it pissed you off to no end. When he would come over for dinner, he always insisted on helping her with the dishes. He would make conversation with her, crack jokes, go the whole nine yards as if he weren't a college dropout and also doing drugs with her son on the side.
Your mom, being the stereotypical Christian, midwestern mother that she is, would always say things along the lines of "Oh Kylo, you're such a sweet boy. It amazes me that someone like you listens to such angry music." He would just blush and laugh it off.
Kylo drove a black 1969 Dodge Charger R/T that he would pull up to your house in, blasting the loudest possible music. Your dad loved him, and they would always talk cars when they got the chance. The first time you came home and saw your dad helping Kylo change his oil, you thought you had died and gone to hell. You just stared as Kylo smirked at you. That stupid, evil smirk you were so used to seeing.
They can't possibly be serious?? How do they not see how much of a jerk he is?
You however, he was much different with. Any chance Kylo got to annoy you, he would do it. He frequently stood outside your door for god knows how long, just waiting for you to come out so he could scare you. You would jump and yell expletives at him before weakly punching him in the shoulder. He and your brother would just laugh, thinking it was funniest thing in the world.
You sighed, staring at your computer screen. You were over studying for the night. You shut your door, before turning off the light and getting into bed. You tried to sleep, but couldn't. The stress of college was slowly suffocating you but despite that, you couldn't seem to get Kylo out of your head.
Sure, you have had a slight crush on him since you were in middle school, I mean who wouldn't? Look at him. But it didn't mean anything, the feeling was almost certainly not mutual and he was still the biggest asshole you'd ever met.
God I fucking hate him... I mean I don't, but I do.
Your thoughts were interrupted by a light tapping at your door. Your brow furrowed. "Yeah?"
Kylo opened your door slowly, making sure it didn't creak as he closed it behind him. "What are you still doing awake, its 3am. Don't you have classes tomorrow?" He whispered, fumbling with your window.
You rolled your eyes, still staring at the ceiling. "Yeah. What do you care?"
He smirked slightly, swinging one leg out the window before looking at you. "Finn asked me to pick you up tomorrow. What time are you off?"
Fucking fantastic.
"Oh, great." You said sarcastically. "2:30pm. The math and science building."
He ducked through the open window, and stuck his head back inside your room to look at you. "See you at 2:30 then." He smirked, before exiting again and shutting your window, leaving you in the dark.
I am not looking forward to tomorrow.
The following afternoon, you sat in your calculus class zoning out and unable to keep your mind off Kylo. You would never admit it, not even to yourself, but you were definitely daydreaming. You were thinking about how soft his hair always looks and how it might feel to run your fingers through it.
You didn't realize your professor had called on you until he said your name for a second time, repeating his question. You sat up straight before looking down, your eyes scanning your paper. "Oh um- the answer is... x equals three fourths." Your face felt warm.
"That's correct. Lets try to be more focused, though." Your professor sighed, before continuing his lecture. You nodded quickly, looking down at your paper.
As you walked to the parking lot, your palms felt sweaty. You'd been in Kylo's car only a couple times before and it was a long time ago. The recent nagging thoughts you had been having about him didn't quell your nervousness either. You spotted his car quickly, and made your way to the passenger side.
When you opened the door, his music blared so loud, you thought his speakers might blow out. You sat your bag on the floor of his car before getting in and shutting the door.
Kylo was smirking when you turned to glare at him. You reached over and turned the dial down halfway and he laughed.
"Too loud for you princess?" He said sarcastically, leaning over to look behind him as he backed out of the parking lot.
You rolled your eyes and buckled your seatbelt, smoothing out your skirt with your hands. "Too loud for most people. Can I play something?"
Kylo scoffed, that stupid smirk still on his face. "Fuck no, you can't play your music in my car."
"Whatever." You crossed your arms, staring straight ahead.
After a few minutes of silence, Kylo finally spoke. "Have you heard of Slipknot?" He asked, nodding his head towards the radio and tapping his long fingers on the steering wheel to the music.
You scoffed, turning your head to face him. "Yes I've heard of Slipknot, you loser... It's just not really my thing. Kind of scary sounding... its just screaming mostly."
He laughed loudly at your last comment. "Scary? Aw, now that's cute. I bet you listen to Lana Del Rey or some shit like that." Kylo said sarcastically, putting a cigarette between his lips and lighting it. He took a drag from it before offering it to you.
You rolled your eyes at him before taking it. Your fingers brushed against his, sending a shiver down your spine. You took a drag off of it before speaking. "Lana Del Rey makes really good music." Despite facing the window, you felt his eyes on you the whole time.
"Oh so I was right?" He grinned, staring at the road now. "I just said the first girly thing that came to mind... And when did you start smoking? I'm gonna tell your mom." He laughed.
You attempted to hide the smile that played at the corners of your mouth. "I'll be sure to tell her you supplied me with them... and yeah I like Lana. She sings about real shit." You took another drag from the cigarette, blowing the smoke out of the window.
Kylo scoffed at you again, motioning to the radio. "And you don't think bands like this do?... This song is called Metabolic, its about the lead singer's absent father and how he fears he will become just like him. They sing about real shit too, it isn't just screaming."
You shrugged, taking another hit before handing the cigarette back to him as he pulled into your driveway. "I never said they didn't, I'm just not super into this type of music."
He glared at you as you grabbed your bag, cigarette dangling from his mouth. You got out of his car, and shut the door behind you. "Thanks for the ride, Kylo" You said through gritted teeth.
I can't believe I'm telling this man thank you.
"No problem." He looked like he wanted to say something else but he stopped himself.
You nodded, before heading to your door. You noticed that he had watched you and waited for you to get inside your house before pulling away.
"How nice of Kylo for driving you home. What a sweet boy." Your mom smiled as you came through the door. "I wish he wouldn't smoke though, you smell like cigarettes."
"Yeah, he's cool." You sigh as you walk up the stairs, making your way to your room before shutting your bedroom door behind you.
You sit at your desk and open your laptop to get started on some homework. Before you start, you grab your headphones and open your phone, deciding to give Kylo's music taste another try. As you do your calculus homework, you find yourself tapping your foot to the music.
The following day, you waited outside for Finn to pick you up from class. You had waited 30 minutes before deciding to call him and he didn't pick up a single one of your several calls.
That fucker. He just left me here.
You huffed before opening your phone again in defeat, pressing on Kylo's contact.
"Yeah?" He sounded like had been sleeping. Your face felt hot from just the sound of his voice.
"I um- Finn left me here and I uh... don't have anyone to pick me up... Can you please come get me?" It felt so foreign asking Kylo for literally anything.
"Yeah I'll be there in fifteen minutes." He said. You noticed that he sounded much more alert, and you heard him shuffling in the background.
"Okay thanks... Uh- bye." You hung up, sitting down on the curb.
It wasn't even seven minutes before Kylo turned into the parking lot and pulled up next to you.
You opened the door, throwing your bag on the floor and getting in. "Jesus Christ, man?? How many traffic laws did you break getting here?" You smirked as you buckled your seatbelt.
Kylo laughed. "If you drove, and owned a car like this, you'd speed too." You couldn't help but notice the light pink that spread across his cheeks at your comment.
He handed you your own cigarette this time, and you placed it in your mouth. You went to reach for the lighter but he beat you to it.
"Allow me." Kylo said before raising the flame up to the end of your cigarette. You inhale, watching it ignite. You caught his gaze for a moment and felt the butterflies return, quickly averting your eyes and taking the cigarette between your fingers to turn and exhale out of his window. Kylo cleared his throat and looked ahead before lighting his own and pulling away.
You both listened to his music in silence for a few minutes. As you fidgeted with the hem of your skirt, you recognized the song playing and began to mouth the lyrics.
I am my father's son 'cause he's a phantom, a mystery, and that leaves me nothing.
How many times have you wanted to die?
It's too late for me, all you have to do is get rid of me.
You can't see California without Marlon Brando's eyes.
Kylo's eyes darted over to you a few times, and he laughed. "There is no way- are you fucking singing along to Slipknot right now?! I thought this shit scared you, kid?" The look on his face was filled with shock and amusement.
"It's a catchy song. I don't know... Stop calling me that asshole!" You could feel the deep blush creeping across your face.
"No, No." He wasn't letting this go. "I didn't play this CD in the car yesterday, did you seriously go home and listen to it?" Between that and how embarrassed you looked from him pointing it out, Kylo could not contain the smile of pure amusement on his face.
"I don't know- Maybe." You looked out of the window, not facing him. You wanted nothing more than to die in that moment.
He was loving this too much. "Fucking obsessed with me, aren't ya? Listening to my songs and shit." Kylo teased.
You turned to glare at him. "I- No! Shut the fuck up." You gripped the fabric of your skirt and took a final drag of your cigarette before tossing it out of the window.
He laughed, shaking his head as he pulled into the driveway. "I'm only fucking with you."
"That's all you ever seem to do. Thanks for the ride I guess." You muttered as you got out of his car, slamming the door before walking to your house. As you walked away, you caught a glimpse of the look of disappointment and guilt on Kylo's face.
Fucking asshole. So unbelievable.
Kylo stayed in your driveway for a minute, debating on whether he should knock on your door to say something to you, but he ultimately decided against it and drove away.
That night, you laid in bed staring at your ceiling once again, head filled with thoughts of that stupid fucking beautiful asshole.
I don't understand him. He does nice shit for me sometimes, but then all he does is make fun of me?
And even after all of that, all you could think about was that stupid cigarette dangling from his lips and how hot he looked. Your mind wandered to how Kylo would lean closer to you, his hand resting on the back of your headrest while reversing. How he nodded his head and tapped his fingers on the steering wheel to the music. How close his face was to yours when he insisted on lighting your cigarette for you.
God! I'm such an idiot. I cant stand him or myself for that matter.
You heard a few taps on your window and your brow furrowed. You rolled out of bed, walking to your window before opening it. You were met with Kylo's dark eyes staring back at you.
Your eyes narrowed at him. "What a gentleman, thank you for knocking this time..." You said sardonically. "But Finn is asleep I think."
"Had to make sure you didn't have a guy over." He teased. "But I'm not here for him... you wanna smoke?" He grinned at you, holding up a neatly rolled joint.
You laughed nervously. "I've never smoked weed before Kylo, I don't know..."
"Of course you haven't... It'll be fine, I'm not asking you to smoke the whole goddamn thing." He smirked, offering his hand for you to take.
You sighed before taking Kylo's hand and ducking out of your window. The cold, October air sent goosebumps across your exposed arms and legs. He led you to a flat part of your roof and the both of you sat down together.
You watched as he placed the joint in his mouth and lit it, taking a couple hits before handing it to you.
You inhaled, noticing how it burned a little more than a cigarette does. You coughed slightly, which caused Kylo to chuckle, and you glared at him as you handed the joint back to him.
"I'm sorry if I made you mad earlier." He smirked, taking another hit.
You scoffed. "You just fuck with me too much. You always have."
Kylo sighed. "I only do it because your reactions are so fun... I didn't think about how it might make you feel." He paused. "And besides, I think its cute that you listened to my music all on your own, for the fun of it."
You blushed, hoping that the darkness would conceal the pink creeping across your face. "It's fine. I'm so used to your games by now." You laughed, shivering slightly.
Kylo placed the joint between his lips before slipping his dark jacket off and draping it around your shoulders. It felt so warm and was about three sizes too big for you. You laughed nervously, looking down. "Thank you."
He nodded, gazing down at you as he handed you the joint.
As the two of you sat in silence for a minute, the weed had already begun to take its toll on you. Everything seemed funny to you and as you looked up at the stars, you laughed softly at nothing.
Kylo smiled at you. "What's so funny, kid? Already high from two baby hits?" He teased. "This isn't even my strongest shit."
"You're such an idiot." You laughed at him, shaking your head.
The next hour was spent laughing about anything and everything. The two of you made fun of your brother, talked about college and how both of you agree calculus fucking sucks, and the two of you shared some other artists you liked with each other.
"I can't believe I clocked you so easily with Lana fucking Del Rey. I honest to god said that as a joke." Kylo laughed.
"Hey, she makes good music. Please let me make you listen to her the next time we're in the car, please." You playfully begged.
He sighed, feigning defeat. "Fine but only like two songs max... so you better make them good." Kylo smirked as he flicked the roach off the roof.
You weren't sure if it was the weed in your system, but something was giving you a slight newfound confidence to speak more freely. You sighed. "You're always spot on about me though... I am kind of lame. I always had this idea in my head that you and Finn were the ones who were losers... but in reality I am."
Kylo looked at you, puzzled. "I never thought you were a loser... I poke fun at you, sure, but I admire your intelligence... and how introverted you always are." He laughed, playfully pushing your shoulder.
You laughed nervously. "No, I mean... I don't go out and do anything fun the way you do. I don't loosen up, I don't hang out with people, I definitely never have guys over..." You laughed again, trailing off. "I mean my god I've never even kissed anyone."
He stared at you, his eyes scanning your face as if he were debating something. "You've got to be fucking with me right now. A pretty thing like you has surely got to have boys lined up and down the street."
You laughed at his comment, blushing. "If they are, I surely don't pay attention. No one talks to me at school." You stared at your lap, fiddling with the sleeves of his jacket.
You felt his cold fingertips touch your jaw, lifting your chin to look up at him. Before you could say anything, Kylo leaned in quickly and kissed you. You felt like a live wire, as if lightning bolts were shooting through your entire body. His kiss was urgent, yet gentle, and he held your face in his hands so tenderly.
When he pulled away, his eyes met yours and you both smiled nervously at each other. You noticed him shiver slightly. "Do you wanna... maybe go inside? It's warmer in there." You said shyly.
Kylo smirked at you. "Are you inviting a guy into your room right now?" He teased before standing up and taking your hand.
You giggled, following him. "Shut up."
He chuckled softly and when you got to the window, he went first. He ducked inside, pulling you with him which caused you both to practically fall through your window. You landed on top of him, your hushed giggles only silenced once he kissed you again.
"Shhh are you trying to wake your parents?" Kylo smirked up at you for a moment, taking in the sight of you on top of him on your bedroom floor, the moonlight from the window behind you illuminating you in a halo-like glow. He grabbed your waist and gently rolled you off of him, before you both stood up.
His large, strong hands pulled you by the waist closer to him, and he had to lean down to kiss you. His kiss was full of need this time, you felt his tongue glide along your bottom lip, asking for entry and you obliged, parting your lips. You moaned against his mouth and you felt the smirk that played at his lips.
Kylo took a few steps forward, pushing you gently backwards until the backs of your knees hit your soft bed. He pulled away for a moment to take his jacket off of you and throw it to the floor, before pushing you flat onto your bed.
"I-I've never... um." You stumbled over your words, feeling your face get hot as your eyes darted up to your ceiling.
Kylo leaned over you, his palms flat on the mattress on either side of your head. "I just stole your first kiss a couple minutes ago, you don't think I know that?" He smirked down at you before tilting his head slightly, leaning closer to trail kisses down your neck. "Do you not want to? I can stop whenever you want, all you need to do is say so." He whispered between kisses, trailing his hand down your body and stopping just above your clothed cunt.
The sensation made the heat in your core grow. "N-no. Don't stop Kylo." You whined.
He smiled, before standing straight up again and looking down at you. He looped his fingers under the waistband of your shorts and underwear, pulling them off slowly. "Look at you sweet thing, I've barely touched you and you're already a fucking mess." He teased, causing you to whimper.
Kylo chuckled softly, separating your knees and ghosting his hand down your thigh, stopping at your heat. He ran two long fingers through your slit, collecting your wetness on them before rubbing light circles over your clit. You gasped at the contact, bucking your hips instinctively against his hand. "Needy little thing, aren't you?" He smirked, using his other hand to hold your waist down before pushing his fingers inside slowly.
You whined at the feeling of his long fingers stretching you out, your much smaller hands were nothing compared to his. After giving you a moment to adjust, Kylo began to slowly pump his fingers in and out of your cunt, curling them upwards to draw sweet, soft moans from you.
"K-Kylo..." You breathed.
He smirked, amused by how quickly you were coming undone at his hand. "What is it, pretty girl?"
You whined at the sweet name he gave you, stuttering over your words once again. "You're g-gonna make me c-cum."
Kylo laughed softly, he had already gathered that from the noises you were making. "Oh, yeah?" He smirked at you, not faltering once with the steady pace he had created with his fingers.
"P-please. Please I want you to..." You trailed off, lost in the pleasure he was giving you.
"Please what? I'm not gonna do anything else unless you ask for it. Go ahead... Say it, say it." He was having way too much fun with you.
"Please Kylo..." You begged him. "Please I- I want you t-to fuck me."
He grinned at you and stood up, removing his fingers from your cunt, before licking them clean. You tasted divine to him, and he made a mental note that he needed to taste the source at some point. Maybe another night.
You whined at the sudden feeling of emptiness and watched as he pulled a condom from his wallet, putting it between his lips before working to undo his belt. He made quick work of his clothes, saving his boxers for last and sliding them off, his cock springing upwards.
You didn't realize your mouth was open until Kylo looked over at you and saw you staring at him. He laughed, tearing the condom wrapper open with his teeth. "I'll go slow, don't worry." You watched as he slid the condom down to the base of his cock, before making his way over to you on the bed.
He made you sit up a bit so he could pull your shirt over your head, before kissing you, trailing down your neck and chest, leaving a few light red marks along the way. You whimpered at the sensation, not caring that you'd have to conceal them in the morning.
Kylo pulled away, admiring his work and settling himself between your legs, lining his cock up with your entrance. "Ready?" He moved a piece of hair from your eyes, smirking down at you.
You wrapped your arms around him, nodding your head. He groaned as he slowly pushed his cock inside you, taking extra care not to hurt you and watching as your face contorted from the feeling of his cock splitting you open. Your nails dug into his back as you whined.
After allowing you a moment to adjust to his size, Kylo began to move slowly, creating a gentle yet deep pace and hitting that bundle of nerves inside you with each thrust. It felt like heaven and you attempted to stifle your moans, failing miserably. "Shhh pretty girl, don't wake up the entire house now." He put his hand over your mouth lightly, smiling down at you.
You moaned against Kylo's hand as he began to pick up his pace slightly. He removed his hand to kiss you, his tongue winning dominance over the inside of your mouth.
Kylo pulled away to admire you, his thrusts were still gentle, but he was unrelenting on that sensitive spot, hitting it with each snap of his hips.
"Ky-kylo... m'gonna c-cum... feels so good." You whined, unable to form a coherent sentence.
"Yeah?" He moaned slightly, out of breath and nearing his own climax. "Go ahead, cum on my cock."
Your vision went blurry as you came undone beneath him, the tight coil in your abdomen bursting into fireworks of endless pleasure.
"Just like that, pretty girl. You're doing so good, Fuck." Kylo whispered in your ear, easing you through your orgasm as his hand rested over your mouth to muffle your moans.
After a few more thrusts he came to a halt with a groan, burying himself deep inside of you as he came. "Fuck- shit! You feel so fucking good." He hissed.
As Kylo came down from his high, he breathed heavily, smiling down at you before kissing you again. He pulled away, pulling out of you. You whined, which caused him to chuckle slightly. You watched as he took the condom off, throwing it in the trash before slipping his boxers back on, and retrieving his band t-shirt and your underwear from the floor.
He sat back on the bed and gently dressed you, his shirt hanging off of your much smaller frame. "You look so pretty in my clothes." He smirked at you, pulling your covers over the two of you before taking you into his arms.
You rested your head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat flutter. "Thank you." You whispered softly.
Kylo chuckled. "For what, pretty girl?" He played with your hair.
"For making my first time memorable. It was really, really good..." You trailed off sleepily.
You heard his heartbeat falter at your comment and you smiled. He ran his fingers through your hair. "You don't have to thank me for that, I've wanted to do this for a while now." Kylo waited for an answer but it never came. He sighed, smiling as he realized you had fallen asleep on him. This was a feeling he could get used to.
The following morning, you two were awoken by the sound of your mother knocking on your bedroom door. Kylo was immediately alert, scrambling out of bed and grabbing his remaining clothes before ducking under your bed as you silently laughed at him.
"Yeah?" You called out to your mother.
She entered, looking around your room. "I'm going to the grocery store, do you want anything... where did you get that shirt." She stared at the Slipknot t-shirt you were wearing that was three sizes too big for you.
You looked down at yourself, before looking back at her. "I'm doing laundry right now and Kylo left it in Finn's room a long time ago." You lied through your teeth. "And no, I don't want anything."
"Hm, okay... And close that window, the heat is on and its freezing in here!" She motioned to your open window before leaving, shutting the door behind her.
You fell back onto your pillow, shutting your eyes and smiling at the sound of Kylo's laughter beneath you.
#kylo ren#ben solo#star wars#kylo ren x reader#ben solo x reader#star wars x reader#kylo ren fanfic#ben solo fanfic#starwars fanfic#star wars sequel trilogy#the force awakens#the last jedi#the rise of skywalker#crucifiedfaerie#saint writes !#modern!kylo au
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Ortho the Ever Observant Brother
Pairing: Idia Shroud x Reader
Characters: Ortho Shroud and Idia Shroud
Warnings: Gender-neutral reader, mutual pining, minor spoilers for the Ghost Marriage/Phantom Bride event, minor spoilers for book 6, Ortho implied to be the same age as the first years
AN: It’s been how many years since I last wrote a fic on here? Well, better late than never. Though I’ll admit, I am a little nervous posting on here. But since it’s my birthday month, I do want to try writing something for Twst. So, enjoy.
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Idia Shroud: Third Year student and Housewarden of Ignihide dorm. He is well known throughout NRC as a total shut-in. Rarely does he venture out into the outside world, unless needed to for his credentials. If not needed, his tablet will work just as fine.
Creep, freak, and otaku. All those words were used to describe his older brother. But they tend to forget that his brother is also very intelligent and all around amazing! Sure, Idia needed to get out more and socialize sometimes, but that was what he was here for!
With trial and error, and a very stressful overblot, Idia has gotten a little better with socializing.
And as an added bonus: Ortho, himself, officially became a first year student!
It seems like everything is going to get better and better from here on out!
…Except for one minor detail…
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The prefect of Ramshackle, being well-known for their ability to get into all kinds of trouble, is also known to be able to get out of said trouble; despite not having any trace of magic in their body. It would be considered a miracle that they got into this school as half a student along with their companion…If only the other students saw it that way…
News of the prefect and the overblots popping up in the same sentence is always the biggest topic on the school grounds. Most of the time, it did more good than harm. But there was some debate on whether it was the opposite.
Good or bad, the prefect made a name for themself and are very friendly to those they care about.
Ortho had noticed their caring nature first hand. Always complimenting his brother’s works with fascination despite never meeting him officially. And when his brother almost got taken by the ghost bride, the prefect was quick to respond to his pleas, and even helped save Idia from the bride’s clutches.
To say Ortho has a lot of respect for the prefect of Ramshackle, is an understatement.
And he’s glad that the two of them were getting along in their own way…
That was until the incident at the Island of Woe…
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Idia and the prefect’s relationship is a bit…strained once everyone was saved. As much as the prefect wanted to claim that everything’s fine and well, Ortho knew deep down that the friendship is on thin ice and one wrong move could shatter the whole thing.
Thankfully, being a good younger brother that he is, Ortho slowly helped patch things up by reminding the prefect of the good times that the three of them had, and the potential of more in the future.
And slowly but surely, the prefect finally accepted Idia’s apology.
Ortho knew this to be true. Especially when he spotted the prefect visiting the Ignihide dorm on more than one occasion with his brother’s favorite candy on hand.
…But he still couldn’t figure out what was bothering him…
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“Hey, Ortho.”
Hearing his brother’s voice, Ortho looked away from his notes to see what his brother needed.
Idia’s back was facing him. But judging by his posture, Ortho knew that his brother was contemplating on what to say, his eyes never leaving the screen of a certain prefect chatting away with Pomfiore’s housewarden.
“What is it, brother?”
“...D-do you think I lost my chance with the Prefect?”
Chance?
Ortho found himself shaking his head. “I don’t think you have. Both you and the Prefect are very close. And judging by their increased heart rate, I know for sure that they feel the same!”
Tension faded and there was a sigh of relief. “...T-thanks Ortho.”
Idia looks so much better when he’s happy…But why was he having doubts about this relationship?
-
“Eh? You want to know when my birthday is?”
Ortho nodded. “Of course. As a friend and fellow student, I’d like to keep track of everyone’s birthday. That way, I can verify what types of gifts will be most suited for our friends. I want to make sure that I get it right! And…”
You patiently waited for him to continue. “And…?”
“...Brother also wanted to know too.”
“Really? He does?” You were actually surprised. Then again it did make sense since the two of you are close. “Now that I think about it, I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone. And it seems like everyone’s been asking as well.”
“Everyone?”
“Well, Ace and Deuce mostly.” You confessed. “Jack and Sebek asked out of obligation. And Epel only asked because Vil wanted to know. So, yeah…”
You trailed off awkwardly as a flush of embarrassment burned your face; clearly not used to that much attention regardless of how small it is. “...If you still want to know, my birthday is on July 25th. School will still be out before anyone can celebrate it….”
Ortho reassured you. “Don’t feel bad, Prefect. My birthday is during summer as well. I’m certain my brother will send you something really cool while we’re away!”
“Thanks Ortho,” You said with a smile, reaching a hand out to pat at his hair. The cold flames felt rather nice to the touch. “To think I’ll be seventeen years old by then…”
…
Oh…
So that’s why he was worried.
#twisted wonderland#twst#twst x reader#idia shroud x reader#idia x reader#idia shroud#ortho shroud#reader insert
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Episode 27: The Art of Meaningful Gatherings: Insights From Nick Gray
Nick Gray
I host an event last night. So I was like, Well, you know, there was this one thing I don't know, if you I was like, you have to tell it to me, I need this more than any compliment, I need the critique, it will help me be bigger, better and stronger. Give it to me.
Nik Tarascio
One of the most important things we can do for our own fulfillment is to bring people together, right and not in a virtual way, in a real way in a real tangible way to be in the presence to be the gatherer of friends and connections. And today's guest gives such a simple, simple framework and formula for being able to do that for being able to remove all the the stresses, the anxiety, the uncertainties of it. And not only that, he's willing to literally help you do it, he will get on a phone call with you just to help you make it possible. So this is going to be a fun one with a dear friend of mine who has helped me understand how better to gather people, and I hope you enjoy our nerding out about the best ways to throw gatherings and just bring people meaningfully together.
Welcome to the dream beyond. I'm your host, Nik Tarascio. I'm a co musician and overall seeker of Truth, inspiration and simply put, how to live the most fulfilling life possible. Growing up surrounded by extremely wealthy and successful people gave me unique and unfiltered perspectives of those who have seemingly made it that on the dream beyond we're letting you in on what it really takes to achieve your dreams. What happens when it turns out your destination isn't the promised land you are expecting how to process the lessons from your past while mapping of course to true fulfillment. Let's get started.
Hey guys, I'm here with author of the two hour cocktail party a step by step handbook that teaches you how to build big relationships by hosting small gatherings. He's also been featured in The New York Times The Wall Street Journal, and New York Magazine called him a host of culturally significant parties. And he's had over 770 5000 watches on his TEDx talk about why he hates most museums. Please welcome my buddy, Nick gray. Thanks for being here. Nick.
Nick Gray
Thank you. I'm excited to talk about how it's done and gatherings and all that stuff.
Nik Tarascio
Yeah, man. And, you know, we have obviously the, the aviation connection as well just wanted to mention that that's one of the ways we got connected. A mutual friend was like, Hey, you're an aviation. He's in aviation, you should know each other. That normally doesn't work. But I was like, actually really like this guy.
Nick Gray
Yeah, I think I saw you at NBAA one year, or something like that. Yeah. It's a small world in the social world of New York City that has that? Because usually, right, they're two totally separate worlds. And so that was a neat overlap.
Nik Tarascio
Yeah. Yeah, it was, it was cool to meet someone who, you know, I recently did an episode that was kind of on the the portfolio life, this idea that many of us are multi layered and diverse. And that's been something that prior generations would say, don't do that. Put all your eggs in one basket be really good at one thing, but I always appreciated that you're into so many different things. And I've been to your parties, your party is always amazing. The people are always interesting and diverse as well. And so I'm kind of curious to go way back, which is, when you were a little What did you dream you'd be when you grew up.
Nick Gray
I wanted to own a baseball card shop, I loved baseball cards, and comic books, actually got a job working illegally at a baseball card shop in Dallas, Texas, because I was too young to work there legally. So they would pay me like under the table and baseball cards and comics. So first job I ever had, I think I must have been like 12 or something.
Nik Tarascio
Amazing. What What drew you to that? What was the bigger dream there?
Nick Gray
I think it was the business side of it. Of the of that the cards had value and there was money. And it was like building a little bit of like wealth as a 12 year old, like having all these baseball card collections. It was interesting.
Nik Tarascio
That's really cool. And how does that? How does that relate? I mean, again, I've known you in so many contexts with the party's Museum Hack the books, like it's does that relate somehow? Do you see how that entrepreneurial spirit and attraction to wealth generation has kind of laid into the other things you've done?
Nick Gray
Now, just like I collected baseball cards, I mean, I kind of think about collecting people and trying to meet the most interesting possible people that I can. And it's something that really lights me up and I'm still I got to have a call this morning with somebody that I sent a cold email this person didn't know me from anybody didn't know any of my friends or anything. But that a long time since I've sent a message like this. And like two weeks later, he wrote back and we got to have a phone call today. And so I love that I get inspired by folks that I can link up with and meet.
Nik Tarascio
When you think about, you know this transition from baseball cards have wealth to now people have wealth. Was it a glorious journey of things getting better? Were there dark moments where you're like, Oh, I might have miscalculated at times. And they were they were harder times of transition.
Nick Gray
Definitely in my 20s I didn't have any social life. I was very focused on our family but Business, and working six or seven days a week I loved it. I'm not saying it was like a sad story. But I had like, no social life like, probably didn't even know some but I mean knew one or two guys that I could call to hang out with on the weekend. But even that was hit or miss. And so yeah, I think that time as I look back on it, I say, I don't know if that was the best decision.
Nik Tarascio
Sure enough. What was the turning point for you?
Nick Gray
I think eventually, I decided I moved to New York City, with the intent of really making a go at meeting people and having a social life. I was in my late 20s. I don't remember if there was like one particular thing. But it was a general idea, or this probably is not healthy to be living a lifestyle like this. And eventually, something happened. And I decided to move.
Nik Tarascio
What I've always been intrigued by about you is like, I have a hard time pinning, whether you're an artist or a business person, or like even like a 12 year old self, you're like, oh, there's like an entrepreneurial nature of I want to generate value. But then the, you know, Museum Hack is like such a creative approach to visiting museums. And I think a lot of what you've done and a lot of the ways you've shown up, it's like a real creative endeavor. How do you identify between those two things?
Nick Gray
I really wanted with museum hacks. So I had this business called Museum Hack that did renegade museum tours at some of the biggest museums in America. And we lead people on these very interesting different unique museum experiences that weren't fun, and saucy and filled with gossip and had very good tour guides. And the art of that was I never wanted it to be a business. It was just a hobby. So it's just something I did for fun. I wanted to get really good at it. And I think that's where everything starts, for me is, is something that I truly want to make for my friends that I would be proud of.
Nik Tarascio
So putting yourself out there is also something I've seen you do really well. I mean, there's, I still have a little bit of a fear of how much of the kimono I want to open up, right. It's like I want to be present on social, I want to be known for who I really am. But there's always this line that everyone has to choose if this is how much of me is allowed for public consumption. I feel like you go pretty far into the lack of my life's kind of on display, I'll come to your parties. You can see what I'm up to. Here's me celebrating at a waterpark for my birthday has ever been really scary for you. Like I'm kind of under I'm trying to understand how you had the courage just to be like this is all of me, or is there like a secret? Is there a secret box in there that we don't know about?
Nick Gray
I've been online for a long time a lot longer than most people have. And so I really grew up with the internet and with personal publishing, and so it is an area that I feel more comfortable in. But oh my god, dude, I feel the same way. The first time I got on Tik Tok, I was like this is so cringe. I still Still I post stuff that feels very, very cringe. So it's constantly, constantly exploring for me that Sharon is a way to stay relevant and to stay as part of the discussion. And it is something that I still invest a lot of time in.
Nik Tarascio
Have you had anybody criticize you? Or have you had people that care about you ever say like, that's too much?
Nick Gray
I think so. Yes. The other day, I went to the gym. And I had a late night the night before and I didn't eat breakfast. And I was at the gym, and I'm sure I drink a coffee on an empty stomach. And I was just like ripping out some tweets that were mildly unhinged. And someone who I didn't know, wrote back and I like, Bro, are you okay? And I was like, Oh, yeah. Like, I should go outside. I should like, Get off my phone and go outside and walk around in the nice sun fresh air. I think that I am willing to make mistakes and some of my most popular famous reels that have gone viral. The comments are filled with haters, absolutely filled with haters. And if you're not willing for people to make fun of you, then I don't think you'll be successful.
Nik Tarascio
Have you always been pretty resilient to that kind of stuff?
Nick Gray
I think so. Yeah.
Nik Tarascio
It's good parenting, maybe?
Nick Gray
Yeah, yeah, I had great parents. I'm not sure what it is. I think being online for a lot. Just being online, like on the internet for so long. That certainly helps with museum act. You know, I would pass out feedback forms at the end of the night. And I would be you know, you hear Thank you amazing tour like 20,000 times, but if someone's like, well, there was one thing I didn't really like, I'm okay. Tell me Tell. Please. I need that. Tell me what that is. I hosted an event last night. So I was like, Well, you know, there was this one thing I don't know if you I was like, you have to tell it to me. I need this more than any compliment. I need the critique. It will help me be bigger, better and stronger. Give it to me. So I'm like, that stuff I thrive with. I like that.
Nik Tarascio
Is there anything that someone shared with you where it actually like it? Got you. You're like, Damn, that actually really hurt. or like, it's still circles in your head from time to time.
Nick Gray
After I think of you know, I have like a little gap in between my teeth. And sometimes folks about cleaning their teeth. And I'm like now self conscious. I'm like, dang it, I'm have to get that stupid gap fixed. And I have what else, they're just hilarious stuff that people say, like one of the one of my things was like, you know why you need to have name tags at events and parties and why you need to have structure and someone made the comment, which was like, the gist that they were sort of comparing it to is like, I'd sooner kind of take party advice from you, like I would gym advice. And they're like, You got any workout tips, big man. I thought that was hilarious. Sometimes it's the roasts that are so good. And I show them to all my friends. If they're good, they're good. They're good. I love them.
Nik Tarascio
That's great. I don't know if I would be able to take that as well as you do. So I appreciate that invitation. Man. So continuing forward into, you know, again, you kind of have done many different things that I you know, I believe what you do with what you've what you did with Museum Hack was about creating a really special experience for people what you do in your at the parties, I've been to, again, creating really cool context and structure. So I don't have to be thinking about how I show up at a party. And then you know, the guidance that you have in the book, I've literally taken your templates and just said I'm following this to the tee.
It makes my life so much easier, because like even ratios like how much of this do I need to buy for this many people in your life? This is the ratio, this is the stuff to order on Amazon, everything to the tee, I was like I'm following it. It was so helpful for someone like me, who just wants to get it all perfect. And so, you know, again, I'm just curious, what advice do you have for people that are, you know, trying to find creative ways to to connect, because again, it's like so you I've actually told other people? I'm a Nick, I hang out with a lot of Nick's but I say you're the most Nick, Nick. I know. I don't know why that is but like you just are so gave yourself permission to be you. Were a lot of other Nick's that I know are like, well, we kind of need to play it safe and mask a little bit.
Nick Gray
Uh huh. Dude, you're a good host in yourself. So I appreciate the compliments. But even as long as I've known you, I remember going to a Madison Square Park, birthday party that you hosted. And there was dancing, there was like tables set up with food. And, you know, the average person would be like, Wow, did Nick like rent this out? Or how do I think you just crashed it? Yeah, that's right. Yeah. Right. All right, I think you just crashed and just had all your friends show up. And so you've been a host for a long time. So I appreciate the compliment. But I also want to recognize in that it is a very unique thing to bring people together.
And we all have our different styles. And to the extent that I've found some framework that logistically is very helpful to let people set it and forget it. That's what I like. But I'm inspired by I know, you've been doing a lot of music gatherings even at that one party. But I know you play an experiment. Have you been doing any new stuff with music? At your gatherings or events?
Nik Tarascio
Somewhat? Yes. So what first of all, anytime I go to any conference group, anywhere, like I just went to a retreat up at omega and if you're familiar with it, upstate New York, they have it's like, it's pretty woowoo but I went for a lucid dreaming a five day course. And stay at a guitar and cafe. So I just played the guitar and like gathered people around for like live music karaoke. So I always find that inserting music into unexpected places, is really fun for me. Last night, I had a actually a gathering of people here and we did a little bit of that too. I've gotten really into sound meditation, guiding people through like deep, deep meditations, of getting to know themselves better. So I really do like this idea of growing up, I would always have music on no matter where I was, I was like, I want like you remember those like waterproof CD players that they used for the shower. I had music everywhere shower, car, LA, wake up, go to sleep, there was always music on so I'm like, I just like sneaking music into places. So for me that is very much the glue.
And I've also found that when I play music, people know they don't have to think about what to say they could just sing along to the word. So in a lot of ways, that's why I was drawn to your parties, because you were like, This is the like, this is the agenda for the night. You don't need to worry about who you're talking to, or how we're all gonna go around and like share something in a circle. It was interesting to see that the guardrails and the structure actually gave me the ability to be more myself.
Nick Gray
I was wondering if you could help me I did an event yesterday as well. And I had a musician that I hired and I want to get a sing along to end my parties. And people loved it. We did it last night, but between you and me I felt like we didn't perhaps have the full throated participation of all of the attendees. Is because frankly, it was weird, right? I hosted like a half day workshop. And at the end, it was like a surprise sing along. But I want to experiment with that because I've done it sometimes before at my other events and it crushes. And I'm just curious if you have any tips and it I'm sure that some folks who have not hosted a lot are listening to this. And they're like, these guys are insane. They're talking about sing alongs at parties, but know that this is a very advanced move, and you have to read the room, but when it works, oh my god, it works. Yeah, so...
Nik Tarascio
I've two approaches to that, actually. And I love that you're turning it around on me. This is awesome. Like, I actually liked that we're, we're serving the concept of parties in general, whatever it takes. So two things One is I think that people really love a shocking moment, right? Like, it's like, wow, I didn't expect like my go to is Bohemian Rhapsody. So I will I will play Bohemian Rhapsody on the guitar. I will divide the room. I'll make people sing the different parts. It's the song that no one knows that everyone knows. And so doing that with the cameras come up. People can't believe that we're all singing Bohemian Rhapsody. So that crushes every time I've never had it fall flat ever.
And I've done it. I don't know. 100 times and different Kylie? Yeah. Yeah. It just it's and again, it's more like people like I've never, no one could believe that it could be done on an acoustic guitar. Yeah. And so I believe that that's one way to do it. The other way to do it is like partly what's so fun about that song, it gets people laughing at themselves, right, because it's like, you know, magnifico, like, you're just like, Oh, I'm like saying these funny things and singing high and sing and low and taking myself so seriously, which by the way, is one of the notes I wrote down. I love that you don't have like you don't take yourself too seriously, then you can be engaged and you can be fun. The second thing I like to do is and I do this in the sound meditation is I'll actually do some different vocalizing with people where I'll first say like, we're going to just play a chord and everyone's just gonna hum any note they want. And so everyone's got their mouth closed in their humming that like now we're just going to start to open our mouth a little bit, and I can see who's holding back and feeling insecure. And I'll say like, Listen, you may have a voice coming up right now that saying like, I'm embarrassed. I feel silly. This is a really weird thing to do this, that person is gonna know I have a bad voice. I'm like, No, everybody tried to touch your tongue to your chin.
And now make whatever sound comes out of your mouth. And if I was like, Ah, right, they just like start making weird noises. Well, I'm like, Cool. If you feel like you want to laugh, laugh, like, let's just have fun with this. Shake your face around, do weird things with your face, see what weird sound you could get to come out. And then after that, then I guide people into like, now let's actually start harmonizing, which is like the rule that I saw, which was so cool. Make a note that is different from everyone else's note around you. So then you're like, oh, I want to actually be a unique note. And it just makes this weird cacophony of sound that fills the room. You're like, whoa, this actually feels really special. So I've been really trying to overcome that resistance to participate. Like, how can I make this like, this isn't about being good singers, which is also why yes, karaoke. Karaoke sucks when you're there with someone who's like, oh, no, I'm just a Broadway singer. You know, on the side. Yeah. I don't want to I don't want to see this. This isn't fun. Yes.
Nick Gray
So I could, I would love to play with that in a live event situation. And again, if you're listening to this, in your new house, know that we are going into the ultra advanced, vulnerable read level state that Nick reads the room very well. I'm guessing you never do this at the beginning. I mean, with the exception of the sound meditation, but folks kind of come to that. But with Bohemian Rhapsody, I'm guessing you do it at least an hour in where people have built some rapport, they've loosened up a little bit, they're willing to be a little more vulnerable. And this just takes it from an eight like to an 11. And if I could learn how to do that, that will be amazing.
Nik Tarascio
Yeah, and also, when you're, when you're back doing an event in New York, let me know we could test drive some of this stuff. That will be cool. I'd be totally down. I always love finding different ways to use music, like any form of music to bring people together or create connection. You know, normally, I'd be like, well, we shouldn't have this, you know, we'll edit this app. I'm like, No, I want people to see like, this is really how you do it. Like you're one of the people that is like, I'm never done refining. I'm never done optimizing. There's always more that can be done like what you said before, tell me Give me the feedback. Don't just tell me it was awesome. Like, tell me what I could do to make this better. I feel like your book seems so simple. But to think about it, it's like it's probably hundreds and hundreds of little refinements over time.
Nick Gray
Yes, tiny, tiny little things. I would rather have someone, there's much less point and emphasis on the food in my book, and I find that most new hosts believe that they have to overspend on food and make this insane spread. But the secret is, is that I would rather have someone leave one of my parties hungry rather than bored. And so I spend all my time thinking about the people and the conversations. And very little I mean, if you Look at the spreads of my parties. It's really nothing. And the reason is because I don't want to stress about the food, I want people. And the reality is that a good event people are talking, they're mixing and mingling, we oftentimes eat and drink when we're bored.
And so that's also something that holds people back from hosting. And you probably host a lot enough, similar to me that like, we could just do it now with our eyes closed, because we have the muscle memory of welcoming people into our space, what music we play what we do to kind of prep and get ready for it. And my whole mission was to write a formula or like an operating system for gathering to help other people learn how to make that easy. By the way, have you switched to party full for your event? Stuff? Invitation? That's good, right?
Nik Tarascio
Yeah, it's super simple. It's that far the easiest platform we found. Yeah. So I have been playing with that. But you're right, you're touching on this, like, there's so much resistance that had come up with, I want to throw more parties, I want to get people together. But it is a huge investment if I am focused on the food, and I'm engaged to a woman who very much values that stuff. So like our early resistance to this was like, no, she would say to me, like, if people are coming to our apartment, there's gonna be good food. And I'm like, Okay, we'll have to do that. So in that way, we're not gonna be able to honor Nick's formula. But you're right. I don't think anyone actually cares that much.
But I know for my fiance was like, even if they don't care, that's the kind of experience I want to create some, like, that's you, like, we'll do jazz, we can do that. I'm okay with that. But I never want that to be we're not going to host because I don't really want to pump $300 into food. So the other thing like last night I just hosted. And I decided, I'm really a fan of the potluck. Like, it's another way of just like, we do want to have more food, people do want to eat and break bread around a table, smaller format, it's obviously only going to be like eight or 10 people. But I like that idea of the potluck. And then we you know, we provide the drinks and desserts. And we're like, you know, bring something that really is like your comfort food. So there's also a little bit of personality in it. But I do think a lot about that, that the hardest thing for me has always been I'm going to overwater food, I'm going to under order food, people can't eat the things. It's all just like dietary restriction stuff we need to.
So I still am thinking a lot about like, what other ways I could do it. But yeah, again, it's I'm super formulaic. And for anyone that's listening Truly, this is like one of the things I actually did, like I took your book and I read the whole thing, I pulled out all the checklists, and I was like, this is going to be my blueprint. And then again, I can modify and amend based on like, how I feel about certain things. But one of the things I had the most resistance on besides the food was like, Are we really going to end two hours in? Are we really going to kick people out? And I needed to hear that? I mean, I actually went to three, don't hate me. But one of the challenges also like people are going to be here too late. We don't want to do it. Because it's going to screw up the whole night we're going to end up, like not having the energy. The next thing I like that. It's like, No, we're ending at this time. If you leave and you feel like it was too soon. Good. You'll come back next time. You'll want more. Yeah, I really like that permission as well.
Nick Gray
So did you set the party time as two hours and then just hang out late? And it was three hours? Or did you set the time is three hours? I set it at three? Oh, you said that three? Okay. Yeah. Yeah. That that the three hours, I was worried that when I do a three hour time, it extends the awkward zone. And the awkward zone is that first 1015 2030 minutes, I found when I did a two hour time limit, even if we went late. So even if I did like 68 or 79. And I knew that we'll hang out later, I found that by setting the two hour time more people showed up on time, because they're like, well shoot, if I show up 30 minutes late, I'm gonna miss like a quarter of the party. And so now I will usually host still for two hours. But after the two hour mark, I'll make an announcement. I'll say thank you, everybody, the party is officially over. If you have to go now I just want to say thank you so much for coming.
And for those that are still here, you know, we can hang out and have one more drink or say hey to somebody new, and then I'll let it go on a little bit more. But at the beginning, I do want to show people how to end a party. Because that's another one of the reasons why people don't host more often is they end up it just destroys their sleep schedule or their apartment or whatever. They're like, oh, people are gonna stay over till 2am And then ever end up hosting.
Nik Tarascio
That's a really good point. I mean, I really like it there was stuff that you shared that I'd never thought about before like this idea of can you find like five close friends I forgot what you call it, but like getting that inner circle of friends that are like until you guys commit. We're not even putting a party together. Because at least if you're coming, I'm a winner. Right? And so I would actually tell those people they had to be there a little early so instead I'd say like come a few minutes. Tyrese let's catch up. So we're coming into the party with already that people I enjoy being there. Like my closest friends are there right and so that was a little bit of a hack around that but I like This idea of like, I remember, I really did not understand parties.
And when I first moved to New York, I threw a party that was like 5pm to 11pm. And the first person that showed up was the only person that showed up for the first hour. And he was like a party planner type. He really knew how to do parties. He's like, dude, way too big of a window, way too big of a window. And I had never really heard that before. So this idea of like, can you really squeeze it down, make it that you get, especially in New York, where everyone has to kind of Flexi on their time. That's, that's an interesting, I would actually test that I would test compressing it down to the two again, and then just seeing what kind of give a bonus round without them knowing about it. Five
Nick Gray
to 11 is an interesting time. I remember that there was a woman named Lindsay, who goes to the birthday party, and she lived in Soho, and I it was the same thing. It was like five to 11. And I was like, Well, I like to show up at the beginning. But I'll be like, 15 minutes late. So I message her. I'm like, Hey, what's up? I'm coming over. I'm nearby, like, let me know if you need anything. And she was like, what? You're nearby. Like, I haven't even know I'm still I'm still in the shower. Like I'm getting ready. And I was so frustrated. I was like, why would you say it starts then. But she just knew that people won't show up on time. It's that Flexi window. It's interesting to think why people do that. I don't know what the purpose is.
Nik Tarascio
Yeah, yeah. It's also I like that idea of though, like motivating. How do you get people to motivate to come at the right time? Especially? You know, we've, we've been playing a lot with like, all the sound stuff I do once you start the sound, I don't even let people in anymore. Like that's my new role is like, yes, you've got a 30 minute arrival time beyond that. I'm not letting you in.
Nick Gray
It kills the vibe, it completely kills the vibe. I heard somebody said that the best photographers never will do photoshoots with doors that are open, they make sure that the doors are always closed, because the energy just leaks out. People get self conscious they're walking by there's noises in the hallway, things like that. I bet it is that times 1000 with sound bats. Yeah, yeah.
Nik Tarascio
Oh, it will absolutely ruin and someone coming in and whispering like, Where should I sit? And you're like, yeah, it's not gonna happen. Yeah, so kind of going bigger. I mean, first of all, I could I could totally nerd out about this stuff for me, too. I find is like someone that always struggled to understand why people do things, and then setting up parties that kind of play to that and figuring out how to you, especially in New York, how the hell do you create something that's memorable in New York City? Right, I think it's much, much harder to do. And I feel like when you throw a party people go, because it's like, Nick's always got something that's going to be really cool. And I'm inspired by that. So much so that I took some of that for my birthday. On September 9, I threw a party and I didn't tell people what was happening after nine o'clock, I just said, it's gonna get really weird. And that's all I said, I said, it's gonna get really weird. And I was like, I wonder if it's gonna be in for it. And so we did an hour of improv at nine o'clock. Then we did a 30 minute death meditation. Then I had six or seven friends that were hand selected, read eulogies about my first 42 years of my life, on my late and a fake coffin. And then as we went around the room at everyone shared what they were most excited about for the next year as if it was a rebirth. And that's pretty cool. It was wild.
And we weren't. My fiance, and I were like, This is not gonna go well, but I really wanted to do it anyway. And at the end, the stuff we got from people was like, Man, I don't normally think about my mortality. But I hope I live long enough to have more crazy nights like this like to have parties like this that remind you, it's actually about like real stuff, and surprise, and authentic connection. So you know, I'm always I'm always interested in kind of hearing edge cases and other things that people are up to, but that really all that stuff kind of came from your original stuff, like seeing how you did it, seeing your formulas. I was like, I wonder how weird I could get with my formula. How far can I push it? So thank you for that permission.
Nick Gray
By the way, the idea to do what you wanted to do on your birthday is so important. Because the day is for you. Right? It's your birthday, and your friends have to do what you want to do. That is the one day when you get to say we are doing this weird stuff or whatever you want to do, right? Yeah. And so birthdays, my birthday. Last year or two years ago, I rented out the waterpark, right? So I rented out this indoor waterpark and I took all my friends there because I love water parks and I love riding this fake surf machine. And that was so much fun. That was funny, by the way, right? Because I'm older and my friends are a little bit older. We were ripping the water sides nonstop no lines. And then you know, I had like a misuse on staff because we're all like torn up and like muscles like like we're sore. Some friends were just like, Oh, that was amazing, but I was so sore the next day so that was very fun.
Last year, I did something interesting. I usually make my birthday every single year a really big deal. And last year, I decided to do absolutely nothing. I just cleared my calendar. And I reveled in the nothingness of like, as a gift to myself not to do anything. And I just had the best day ever doing things that I wanted to do. And I was reminded, I was just like, wow, there's really no reason I can't do this more often. To like, clear my calendar, just do what I want to do. Um, I'm glad I got to do it on my birthday. And also, Wow, good realization to do that maybe a little more often. Yeah,
Nik Tarascio
I mean, I imagine you, you default to doing a lot. You seem like you're always up to something.
Nick Gray
Oh, my God, I hosted an event last night. So I'm experimenting with conferences now. And so I hosted a half day workshop salon. And I wanted to get my, my events out of the sort of after work happy hour mode and into the daytime session. So it was 130 to 5:30pm. Really a test? Like can I host an event in that time slot? Will people show up? Will they come to you know, have a networking type event? And it was, it was a lot of fun. I learned a lot. And I'm excited to keep playing in that space.
Nik Tarascio
So what is next for you? I'm actually curious, because you're always up to so many different things when you think forward of well, one, I mean, you have such an extraordinary life, like do you feel like you've achieved your dream yet? Or is there something else that that you're still after?
Nick Gray
I have such a blessed life. I mean, I have very, I'm relatively healthy, I have a roof over my head, I live a pretty minimalist life. So I'm super thankful. And I'm still exploring to figure out what's next, I sold my last company Museum Hack and 2019. I've been working on this book to try to get people to host their own events. Now I'm really going hard on the conferences and the larger things. I just did four conferences in four weeks, with a variety of involvements with the conference organizers. And so for me, that was a lot of fun. And I just got off a call this morning with people brainstorming, how can we do icebreakers for 3000 people? And so that, for me is a challenge. And it's one I want to explore more. And they said, Oh, can we hire you for this? I said, Look, I want to do stuff. That's very hard. This sounds very hard. So I would like to yes, let's keep brainstorming.
Nik Tarascio
Why do you like hard things?
Nick Gray
I like learning. I like learning stuff. I did an event recently where I was the emcee at the open night party and I was competing with an open bar. And I told the host, I was like, there's a very good chance that I'm going to bomb. And I'm excited by that chance and possibility that nobody's gonna listen to me. And if you're okay with that, I'm okay to do this plan that we have. But just know that it may absolutely fall flat. And I was just like, oh, this is exciting. This is really exciting. Now, I think I've just done so many events, I've literally hosted probably over 700, happy hours, cocktail parties, things like that. And so now I want the new new I want the challenges.
Nik Tarascio
So tell me the vision for the future. Like is there some future event that you're really excited about? Or even if it's just like a loose concept, what's driving you forward at this point, besides just learning to learn?
Nick Gray
Yeah, there is a conference that happens that is called dialogue that Peter Thiel started. And it's kind of spun off into a new world now. But the idea is, there's no keynote speakers, there's no panels, it's all small group discussion, sort of like an intellectual salon. And I want to get towards hosting my own one of those, their event is two or three days long, I'll be hosting a full day event on November 30, a one and a half day event on December 7, and eighth. So I'm like right now rapidly prototyping these events to see if I can play in that space. So that is the future I think of what I'm interested in. I mean, you probably go to a lot of masterminds or you know, people who go to a lot of masterminds. So do I know of a lot of these, and there's some that are very good out there. And I'm just curious, how, just like with museum tours, I took an old idea and kind of flipped it on its head a little bit. How could I do that with these live gatherings?
Nik Tarascio
It just seems like there are people that are mischievous and they like to break rules to mess life up. I feel like you play with life but everyone's the beneficiary of it. Like it's like it's it's positive spirit of it. It's it's really warm and kind and you know, again, so much of like, while you are one of the more open people there's a little bit of like an enigma to you. I'm like, Why does he do all this stuff showing up at people's parties following up with like, you're working really hard. You're working super hard at this stuff. And I love that it's Like, so grassroots like, the average author would be like, Oh, I get a team of people to do all this stuff for me like, No, I'm going to your party. If I'm in the city where it's happening, maybe I'll even travel.
Nick Gray
Yes, I call my readers a lot. If they have their email, if their signature, I will call them all, I've had hundreds of phone calls with my readers. And they're always shocked. They're like, why are you talking to me? I was like, because this is like the best part of my day. I love hearing these stories
Nik Tarascio
This is great. What do you hope to leave behind?
Nick Gray
If I just get more name tags used and more social situations? I think that's a win. More rounds of intros and social gatherings. I get frustrated when I would go to a house party and I don't know who's in the room. Right? And I don't want to ask the host Hey, can you walk me through every single person here, so I know who I might be interested in talking to. And there's this assumption right now that that's selfish, or that it is somehow negative to ask that, but I think we all have limited time at events and in our lives. And if I meet somebody who likes to ride this stupid surf wave that I do, or somebody who likes to go to New York City and likes Broadway shows, I want to know that at an event so I can go up and talk to them about it. So I would love to be able to leave behind some of those frameworks for gatherings. And if I can inspire a few 100 people to do that. I think that'll be nice.
Nik Tarascio
Awesome. Well, I think specifically, it's worth talking about, I wasn't going to go into the details. But I kind of feel like we should there's like three things that really do stand out I, I love the idea of what you're talking about is when you would say, hey, it's time to let everyone know who's going to be at the party and write up a little intro about them. You're 100%, right, when I would go to your events or parties that had that. I was like, Well, I actually know I have like a hook, I have a way to know that I like hey, well, let's talk about I didn't know you're in music, but I'm also in music. So now we have something in common. So really Nick's framework of taking a little bit of extra time and letting people know who's going to be there also, they're more likely to come if they know that there's going to be very interesting people there that they'd want to talk to. I really, really liked that I did get. I think it was like 100% participation in anyone I invited. That's awesome. That's great. That's good, right? The first Yeah, like the first one, it was like literally 100% of the people came I'm like, wow, yeah, that is wild.
Nick Gray
So I found that that's something else I'm so passionate about, which is boosting the attendance rate for events. Because so many people all the time, oh, we had 30 People RSVP, you know, private 15 will show up. And I'm like, What? No, no, something's wrong with that. If they RSVP, we got to get them to show up. So little things that I do to really boost us above 90% attendance rate is important to me.
Nik Tarascio
Yeah, it's incredible. And I think going back to the whole name tags thing, it was really a divisive topic in my household. So it's like, oh, man, is it impersonal? But similarly, I'm really I get a little anxious. When I first connect with someone, and we're like, what's your name? What's my name? I always feel like I'm gonna mess up my own name. So I forget the other person's name. And I found it was really nice to know, like, oh, everyone has their name on. So I don't have to feel like after had a long conversation, I'm like, Hey, you should meet. I don't remember the name. I found that to be really helpful. And I'm curious, like, what would you say? Well, what would you say are like if people just did one to three things that you really push for? What are the things that really moved the needle in your mind?
Nick Gray
That idea that we talked about before with the core group, get in the first five people to say yes, before you send out any invitations to get a double opt in on the first five, and say something like, Hey, man, Nick, are thinking of hosting an event on November 27, from 7am to 8pm, or seven or 9pm? If we do it, would you come and get in five people to say yes, before you go forward, the number one fear for a new host is that nobody's going to attend. And so by getting those first five, that's a sense of confidence. If I had to pick two other things, I would say use name tags, and do at least one round of introductions. And remember, a good intro is a fast intro. And so it's not just that we're hoping to spark new conversations, but also we use those icebreakers to end the existing conversations. Many people Yes, it's hard for them to start conversations, but it's actually harder for many to end a conversation. They don't know how to exit. speaking to someone when they're kind of done, they're way too nice. And when the host adds a little bit of structure and activity at an event, it helps people to end those conversations much easier.
Nik Tarascio
Yeah, I'm bad at the walk away. There. I've always admired I heard like, Bill Clinton was really good at that. Like you'd tell, someone would tell him a story. He would shake their hand grabbed the back of their arm like that really good handshake. And you go, yeah, man, you're crazy. And then just walk away or like something like you just like, make some like, sweet comment. Like, That's the funniest thing I've ever heard and just walk away with some like, I can't do that. I feel like I'm gonna somehow let them down or leave like they're gonna feel rejected. So I stick around way longer than I want to.
Nick Gray
That's good. That's good. Are there?
Nik Tarascio
I'm actually curious, are there tips in your mind if you are stuck in a conversation with someone that you want? And besides the room, like, you know, someone like you as a party host ending it with, hey, it's time for us to circle up again, and we're going to have another round. What other tips do you have for someone who finds themselves in awkward positions?
Nick Gray
The easiest way is just to go to the LinkedIn or the Instagram add to to make them feel seen, like you want to continue. And so I will ask, I'll say something like, Oh, are you on social media? And they'll say, Oh, I'm on LinkedIn, I'm on Instagram. And then I said, I'd love to add you can I add up real quick. And so that is a way of seeing them saying, I like you, I'm going to add you now. And then it's very simple to wrap it up was really nice talking to you. I'm gonna go mix and mingle. But I think by by seeing them and acknowledging them and adding them, I'll add anybody, so I don't think too much about it.
Nik Tarascio
That's a great tool. I'm gonna use that every time now. Yeah, it's good. To grow. Yeah. So just kind of closing, closing question. You know, again, you've obviously helped a lot of people and I am wondering, fulfillment is really the whole driver of the show. For me, it's like how do we help more people experience fulfillment, not just chase it in the wrong places? Since you've had such deep integration with the people who have hosted? Can you tell me how fulfillment has shown up for people who have started hosting with your format?
Nick Gray
Oh, my God, the best story I heard was a couple of weeks ago, this guy he said, he said, Look, I read your first. He said, I read your book, I hosted my first party, it was fine. He was like, if I'm being honest, it was like a six or seven. I was very nervous. He said, but then I hosted my second party. And because I had already done it once, I had so much more confidence. And he said it was just a 10 out of 10 was one of the best experiences. But he said later that night, I was doing the recap afterwards with my wife. And he said, My wife said, I've never been so proud to see you, amongst your friends. This guy was for the first time ever in her eyes, leading the room, gathering people being a leader among men. And it was she got to see him in that moment. And so hearing stuff like that just lights me up.
Nik Tarascio
That's a big one. I'm going to sit with that for a moment, I really do think that it's also such an attractive quality, right? Seeing someone who not only leaves a room but leaves a room to connection and with care and with kindness, that that's huge, where I think you know, the stuff I grew up around again, growing up in New York, I grew up around people that lead the room with like, alpha energy, and it's all about me, really be leading from a place of actually, it's about everybody, and I want everyone to participate. That's beautiful story. Well, I, you know, again, I am like fighting myself to stay away from technical tactical questions, because I'm like, Man, I just want to like find all the optimizations.
But really, my biggest takeaway from what you shared is, well, a few things. One is like really just that permission to not take yourself so seriously, and have fun, have fun. And, you know, like we said on your birthday, like have your party, do what you want to do. And just play, optimize, make little tweaks and adjustments. Really freely bring people together in your spaces if you'd like to have and I think that there is something really special about bringing people into your home or bringing people into the space that you have. And as you said, like being a leader of friends, being leader of community, I don't think that there's a better feeling I've ever felt that is one of those times where I feel so much fulfillment. So for people that are looking for that, it doesn't have to be dreadful, it doesn't need to be so stressful. That's like borrow the formula, right? Start from the formula, just do that.
And then if you want to make tweaks and adjustments, you can do that from there. But again, I can attest to it. It really did. You know, I run an airline. So like I can do pretty complex things and run hard projects. party stressed me out still. And to have that formula really helped me do it and gave me the confidence to not over order under order, know how to get people there and not have to feel the rejection of I threw a party and people didn't show up for the first hour. So Nick, thank you so much for helping us figure out how better to connect, gather and just have more fulfillment in our lives. And if you're curious about what Nick's up to, you could check out again, the book, the two hour cocktail party even more than that. And Nick, I'm actually going to let you speak about this. So because you do like to get involved. And you were talking about the idea of someone's thinking about hosting a party. What is your invitation to them?
Nick Gray
Yep, please send me an email. My address is [email protected], and I'll be your accountability partner. So if you're thinking you want to do it, you need a little help, or some motivational messages or something, send me a note. And I'll help you out. It really does make me happy to hear from people that are hosting their first party, just like Nick and I have found these insane benefits in growing our networks. The easiest way to do that is to start to host events and anyone can learn how.
Nik Tarascio
Yeah, and I just hope you're taking this in that like this is the most insane offer ever. It is so rare that an author is like I will call you if I have to I will come to your thing that you are doing and I will support you and Nick you've actually done that for me quite a few times when I was Ready to host and I've got questions on this. So yeah, really you should take him up on this. It's such an amazing, it's an amazing gift. And Nick, thank you so much for your time here. I hope people enjoy our very both tactical and nerdy, but also big picture exciting conversation.
Nick Gray
Thank you very much more Bohemian Rhapsody.
Nik Tarascio
Yes, exactly. All right. Take care everybody. Thank you for listening to the dream beyond. I hope that you received whatever message or inspiration you were meant to get from today's episode. I had a great time recording it for you. If you love the show, please take 30 seconds to subscribe rate and review it. That really helps get the word out. And if you want to connect with me, you can find me at
instagram.com/niktarascio
linkedin.com/in/nikTarascio
youtube.com/nTarascio
#people#party#host#event#nick#feel#good#little bit#play#bohemian rhapsody#call#friends#music#talking#fulfillment#gatherings#heard#fun#hour#formula#success#community#world#big#business#book#life#dream
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The power of having a no-rancor, no-fuss policy of unfollowing ANYone who causes me the least amount of stress while scrolling Tumblr, it's infinitely peaceful, you can spew whatever shitty hot takes you need to get out its your personal blog but these are also my eyes and I shall avert them Sir.
#The flaw in my plan is that I never want to unfollow my mutuals#But that's also why thank you to my mutuals for being amazing and totally stress free lol I love you'll#Perhaps it helps that I have like... 5 mutuals LMAO#This is more of a call out post @past me who used to follow or even seek out#The Drama#You know?#If people's fandom or any opinions are pissing you off#You don't need that energy in this life!#Unfollow!#Occasionally I miss not being privy to the gossip though lol#I have no context now for the random but extremely vitriolic fights I hear about from the sidelines#Tumblr feuds are AMAZING gossip#But not worth the heartburn of following those people lol
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♡ sweet sope ♡
love notes for my mutuals
hi everyone, this past week has been full of extra love and wanted to share my appreciation, not just for this joyful community, but for the people who brighten up each day with their presence!
@blueandtaes - hi my sib, i love you. being in this fandom together is a godsend. through the weeping, the cackling, the impulse purchases, the city adventures and home dance parties, i’m so blessed to be doing it all with you.
@zmalik - sabrina shonaaaa you’re one of the first people i followed on this website (i legit think you were the second person after my sister), i dont know why you followed when you did since i was a chaotic mess back then but i am so so thankful that you did! i remember our early convos and i still fantasize about deshi food hangouts in the city, whether that’s yours or mine. you’re the kind of person who in many ways I aspire to be, because you say what’s on your mind without the fluff. I’ve been meaning to ask you why you hate ji changwook btw but I’ve been scared! one day let’s talk about it over chaa nastha? Love you, and sending all my affection to you and ur new kitten!!
@yoonglet - hello angel aahana! I feel as though no matter how I try to word how I feel about you, it will always fall short. You are one of the most generous, strong-willed, friendly people I know. Your aura is bright and I am so honored to witness you, even if it’s through this limited window of armytumblr. thank you for believing in me, when I didn’t believe in myself! Your support means everything <3
@artsyjoons - anj! i distinctly remember an early convo we had where we were talking about namjoon doing an srk pose lmfao thank you for understanding what i was rambling about in the tags and initiating a convo with me! every morning i wake up and i see you enriching my feed with your thoughts, your humor, and your captivating energy! please share with me the secret to being so sweet and cool??
@rosebowl - my sweetheart Sharika, when I think about you honestly… I feel anxious and giddy! Because I wonder what luck I must have accidentally stumbled upon to find a desi army friend right here in New York, and that too someone who shares so many of my own values and interests!!?? Sounds like a dream, hope I never wake up! My adoration for you grows every day, please know that I am rooting for you and support you, just how you show up endlessly for all of us! Can’t wait for our future adventures xoxoxo
@taefiore - hi my darling raabia! (I hope you’re resting and not stressing when you read this, but if you are stressed I hope this makes you smile) I feel like I have to thank run-on for bringing us together?? I have enjoyed every single one of our conversations and interactions, you’re easily one of the most clever and sweet people on this site! thank you for listening to my dreams, for all your kind/witty commentary on things I post, and for being an all-around incredible person! i know how hard you work and I hope your future is just as bright as you are, love you!
@bibillyhillsbaby - lovely helena, are your legs tired? Cus you’re running through my mind oooooh! we’ve said this to each other many times, how fun it is to chat about shows, about our love for these men,™ and more! but have I told you about the times you’ve generated warmth and peace for my soul? your compassion has not gone unnoticed dear friend <3 you’ve made so many of us laugh and smile, lended kind words when we’ve needed them the most. I hope that when you see flowers and trees, you think of all our love blossoming for you!
@kithtaehyung - oh ryen! when you created the ‘still with you’ gfx you officially stole my heart! but then you went and kept it for good when you made the ‘magic shop’ gfx during a challenging time in my life. your empathy and your cheerfulness was a clearing for my foggy mind! you’re a stellar person and i get such a burst of joy when i see you on my feed. if i could handwrite notes for you everyday, i would! <3
@pinkjjoon - sara i can’t remember our first conversation, but i could’ve swore it had something to do with the term “namjaan” lmao! though we’re timezones apart, i am glad the internet brought us together cus i really need more desi army visibility! i appreciate your candidness, your humor, as well as your kind words during hard times. i hope bts gets their act together and holds a concert where you are cus you more than deserve it!
@hazeltae - allison, ive been trying to put to words why i feel so drawn to you and why you always make my day and i think it’s bc you’re a capricorn sun/pisces moon!!! no wonder you have this way of making people feel steady, held while also relating to them on an emotional level! i love talking to you about rj, about yoongi, about totally normal shopping habits <3 thank you for all that you are and for being such a sweetheart!
@gimbapchefs - hello nat!! even though we’re newer mutuals, there’s such a refreshing ease in our conversations that i truly appreciate! i find myself resonating with your thoughts and reactions, and cackling at things you reflect in the tags! i also admire your dedication to your studies, even when you get a little distracted ;) we need more people like you in the field, i’m so excited to see where your journey takes you!
@intronnevermind - hi raf! it’s such a pleasure to be connected here! we haven’t spoken much but your posts and content leave me with a great sense of joy/admiration! i am so impressed by your style and am looking forward to anything you create in the future. thank you for sharing sweet remarks about my amateur content and for being such a lovely part of this community!
@ourownwings - wings :) i am so in awe of the creations you provide for the community and all the tender labor that goes into relaying the BU stories here! i can only imagine the time it takes to do that, but you’ve done above and beyond - and i’m so proud of your milestone! i was delighted to chat with your about your life outside tumblr, and wish you all the best in your future endeavors! thank you for being such a sweet, supportive presence in my orbit!
@jintae - padya, it’s likely you’ll see this if/when you return from your hiatus but you should know that i appreciate our exchanges and how excited i was to connect with another nyc bengali army! i hope you are taking care and finding enjoyment during your days <3 i think about your written piece about the impact bts has had on you as well as the publication you created for the community, and am so proud to know that you’ve spearheaded these meaningful spaces for others. i hope our bond can grow over time, universe-willing, and that you get every happiness you absolutely deserve!
to my lovely mutuals who amaze me every time with their creations & their talent, and have given me much laughter/much comfort, i am grateful for you. i have much warmth in my heart for you all and appreciate the conversations we’ve had about life, about bangtan, and anything in between. thank you for being here: @duckjinnie @ayosuuga @yoongisshadow @userjiminie @jinbestboy @mykrokosmos @marvelousbangtan @jimindelune @floraljimin @flowerseokjin @dinamitae @zhujieqiong @thegoddessly @kooseokss @dalbichigom @jinjagi @joonsrack
#well in true t fashion#i poured out my soul when no one asked for it???#i'm sorry.... for the rambling but you all signed up for this when you became mutuals with an emotional psychotherapist#i also apologize if i left anyone out!!#ALSO no pressure to reply to this!!!#i really wasnt expecting to do much connecting when i started this blog not too long ago#but here you all are and i feel so blessed#glad we're all here going through the motions of being bts fans together#i picked this sope moment bc in my mind we're laughing together while listening to music#and being sweet and tender with one another#:]#mygifs
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Woo Do Hwan: Interview with Kankoku TV Drama vol. 97 (Aug 2020)
Once again, much thanks to @staidwaters for graciously reviewing and correcting!!! This was a really hefty interview, hope you enjoy~
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Woo Do Hwan
Sword, bow, and horseback riding for the first time
A “Monstrous Newcomer” in a career-making, historical drama debut
In 2016, in the movie “Master”, Woo Do Hwan played the role of Lee Byung Hyun’s subordinate. Even though he appeared onscreen for just three minutes, he left a strong impression, attracting attention. Since then, he starred in “Save Me” (2017 OCN), taking on the nickname of “Monstrous Newcomer” and setting out on a brilliant career path. The next step he takes will be his first historical drama “My Country” (2019 JTBC).
Tackling a historical drama is an ideal chance for young and promising actors to grow; they have a rare chance to study in depth with multiple superb veteran actors over the long filming period. Woo Do Hwan did not miss this opportunity. His new work “The King: Eternal Monarch” (2020 SBS) leverages 120% of what he learned from “My Country”, and his popularity is surging.
Struck by a midwinter waterfall, the most dreadful and frigid opportunity to showcase yourself
--What kind of work is ”My Country”?
WDH: Each of the characters clash with the others for the sake of their personal convictions. This drama depicts their love and friendships. The country they are each reaching for … in a way, you could say they seek the same goal. Everyone wants a country in which they can live happily, but each person has a different path to that goal. This work skillfully depicts the conflicts that arise in the midst of this.
--Please introduce the role that you play.
WDH: Nam Seon-ho is an illegitimate child born to a family of nobles (yanban), and he has suffered greatly because of his birth. The poor guy is only able to relax his guard and laugh when he is with Seo Hwi (played by Yang Se Jong) and his younger sister Yeon (played by Jo Yi Hyun). However, even under such circumstances, he holds onto his ambitions. He doesn’t want other people to experience the same kind of pain that he has endured, so he strives to become the right-hand man of Yi Seong-gye (played by Kim Young-cheol), the future founder and king of the Joseon Dynasty. However, it doesn’t go as expected and I end up in opposition to Hwi, my dearest friend.
--What things did you pay attention to when creating the role?
WDH: Since it’s a period drama, it was difficult to get used to the way of speaking and tone of voice. It took me a while to get the hang of it. Now I have the opposite problem, I’m doing my best to shake off the historical tone (laughs).
--The gorgeous hairstyles and clothing were a sight to behold.
WDH: Honestly, at first I thought “Long hair probably won’t suit me…” (laugh). So early on, I participated in many concept meetings and tried out different hairstyles. Even with long hair, there are many different hairstyles that can be made, such as wearing with armor or tying it up. I collaborated with the director to choose the most suitable style according to the situation in the drama. I was able to try on as many outfits as hairstyles, but I really enjoyed being able to wear the special costumes such as the armor and the inspector’s garments; things we normally don’t get the chance to wear.
--How did you practice horseback riding, swordsmanship, and archery?
WDH: Before filming started, I studied martial arts for about two months. Filming lasted nine months, so in total I was focused on this work for a whole year. While filming action, it’s important to skillfully capture the scene, but the most essential thing is to not to get hurt. For that reason, the cinematographer, my co-stars, and I always had to be in perfect sync. It took time to match movements for the sword fights.
--You became the topic of much discussion when you revealed your magnificent physique in a waterfall during the opening of the drama. What are your secrets for managing your fitness?
WDH: I train on a regular basis. If I only started working out when I knew there were going to be scenes with skin showing, it’d be stressful trying to build up my body in a short period of time for shooting. After all, I don’t know when or where I will have to strip down for a scene! (laugh) Usually I play a lot of soccer, and I’ll go to the gym to train if I have time. If I take care of myself properly as a habit, then I don’t need to worry if my body looks good or if I should put in more effort during acting; I can just concentrate on my performance.
--Was the director’s reaction a good one?
WDH: He was extremely happy, hahaha. They keep trying to make me take my clothes off, so I was like, “Come on, give me a break!” The road to the filming location for the waterfall scene was rugged and steep and it was incredibly cold; it was the most difficult scene. Se-jong even said “I never want to go into water that cold again”.
--A lot of viewers said that “Nam Seon-ho is the most pitiful man in the world.” How do you personally feel?
WDH: I wanted to present Seon-ho as a tragic figure, so I was glad that the audience saw him the same way; it encouraged me to put in even more effort and I worked hard to build up his character. Seon-ho constantly stands on the boundary between life and death, living a life where he might die at any moment. He never manages to accomplish any of his dreams, and it is only at the very end that he realizes what is most precious to him. However, even though Seon-ho is a tragic character, if we just focused on the sadness the drama would be hard to watch and it wouldn’t be interesting at all. Therefore I wanted to show many things with him, such as him being a powerful figure, and the loneliness his power hides.
He was able to finish the drama because he was with Se-jong, his co-star of the same age.
--At what points did you sympathize with Seon-ho?
WDH: There is always a conflict in Seon-ho’s life in that he always has to sacrifice something in order to get something he wants. Seon-ho’s situation is an extreme case, of course, but I think that in our lives there are many moments like his, even if they are small and trivial. Moments when we desire what we can’t have, or throw away things we shouldn’t throw away. There are also moments when we all have to give something up for the sake of a goal that we are reaching for. In the midst of that, I worried about the things that I should protect, so I deeply sympathized with Seon-ho, whose ideals and emotions were in conflict with each other.
--Your portrayal of the character’s emotions was well-received. When was Seon-ho the most emotional?
WDH: It would be when he heard that Seo Hwi was alive. I had a deep rapport with Se-jong in all my scenes with him. From a certain point onwards, the events in the drama truly felt real, and I fell more and more in love with Se-jong (laugh). I deeply empathized with Seon-ho’s emotions, which made me want to perform even more intensely in this work.
--Concerning expressing emotions, are you the type to do a lot of preparation beforehand? Or are you the type to perform what you feel on the spot?
WDH: I think I am half-and-half. Beforehand, I’ll think, “So we’re filming this kind of scene today”, why is this happening, and what was the situation before this scene? However, it’s difficult to continuously hold onto emotions because there are rehearsals and blocking out our positions with the director. So I will concentrate on creating the emotion in the moment when acting.
--And what about your mutually dependent relationship with Yang Se-jong, who played the role of Seo Hwi?
WDH: I believe it would have been very difficult if Se-jong hadn’t been there. I relied on him a lot. The make-up room was set up in a large van onsite, and while our hair was being done, we would go over our lines. If one person said their lines, then the other person would just naturally respond with their own lines. We are the same age, not just in the drama but also in real life, so in both the Goryeo and modern eras, we were always communicating well, back and forth.
Se-jong always helped me, and even though we were together on location for very long periods of time, not once did we fight or have a conflict of opinion. We spent our time together as good friends, always being considerate of each other.
--There were many scenes of Seon-ho and Hwi’s friendship that brought out tears, but was there a particular scene where you especially felt the friendship between the two?
WDH: All those scenes where we rescued each other. Especially that scene in the latter half, where Hwi took Seon-ho out of Yi Bang-won’s (played by Jang Hyuk) house; that was memorable. Then in the first half, during the massacre of the Liaodong Punitive Expedition advance party, there’s a scene where we cross swords in the midst of combat and I recognize my dear friend Hwi. That scene was very good and had a big impact.
--What is your impression of Seolhyun (AOA) as Han Hee-jae?
WDH: Seolhyun was truly a “celebrity” to me (laugh). She is one of Korea’s top idols; I’ve seen her movies. When I heard that she would be co-starring with me, I was very much looking forward to it. Once we were actually performing together, I was amazed that her acting was even better than I expected. Seolhyun was the youngest on location, but she had a very mature attitude during filming. In front of a large crowd of her seniors, she played a bold and strong woman. I was impressed.
--The antagonism between Seon-ho and his father was one of the highlights of the drama. How was it like to co-star with Ahn Nae-sang, who played the role of your father?
WDH: Ahn Nae-sang sunbae was like a real father, a very interesting person. Although he’d say “Seon-ho is an impertinent son” (laugh), he worked well with me, and did a lot for me. During breaks, he tells jokes and lightens the atmosphere on set, but once filming starts, his gaze radically changes and he becomes a terrifying father. He’s not someone who hands out advice left and right to juniors, rather, he is a person who reacts kindly and looks after us.
Extremely jealous of Se-jong’s Japanese fanmeet
--What are your thoughts on successfully wrapping up your first historical drama?
WDH: I wore hanbok, long wigs, and armor--I got to experience all of these things for the first time. I’ve also never done things like swordsmanship, archery, or horseback riding, so each one of those was a new challenge. Because I have never lived in that time period, I worried about how I should portray it. Despite that, I enjoyed everything. The remote locations that I visited were very beautiful, and during breaks it was a wonderful experience to enjoy the scenery and watch the seasons change instead of sitting in the dressing room. I’ve heard from my seniors that once you’ve done one historical drama, you’ll want to do another, and now I know what that feeling is like for myself.
--What was the most memorable location?
WDH: In the opening scenes, I often went to the countryside, but first I filmed the waterfall scene and the cliff scene. That cliff scene was absolutely terrifying. I scaled the cliff and did the action scene, but I thought...I might actually die if I fall (strained laugh).
--Watching the behind-the-scenes footage, you seem the quiet type but at the Japanese fanmeeting, I feel that you were skilled at speaking onstage. What is your actual personality?
WDH: Do I look like someone who doesn’t say much? I’m definitely not the talkative type, though. Hahaha. I talk a lot when I’m with Se-jong, but the interesting thing is, how much Se-jong and I will say changes depending on the day. On some days Se-jong speaks more than I do, and on other days I won’t shut up (laugh).
--Since filming continued for about a year, was it difficult to break free from the role of Seon-ho?
WDH: Honestly, I wouldn’t have thought about Seon-ho without today’s interview. However, Seon-ho’s sword is in my living room, so whenever I see it, I’m going to remember (laugh). But because I can’t use historical speech in the drama that I’m currently filming, I try to forget as much as possible.
--Currently you’re in the middle of filming the drama “The King”, right?
WDH: In “The King”, one person plays two different roles. The show depicts parallel worlds. In one world, Lee Min-ho sunbae plays the emperor and my character, Jo Yeong, has been by the emperor’s side since childhood and is the captain of the Royal Guard. In the other world, I am Jo Eun-seop, a social service worker whose personality is the complete opposite to Yeong’s. I’m having a lot of fun filming this, so please look forward to it.
--What does “my country” mean to you?
WDH: I believe it’s the people around me. I have family, I have friends, and I also have colleagues. A life where I can live happily with all of them, that is my dream country, I guess. No one goes on without desire, so I want to live together while caring for each other.
--You’ve been called the “Monstrous Newcomer”. With this kind of recognition, do you feel pressured?
WDH: I’m always under pressure. However, I tell myself I can’t lose to it, I have to work harder to overcome it.
--Finally, a message to your Japanese fans.
WDH: 2020 was the year I definitely wanted to meet all my Japanese fans, but filming for “The King” started earlier than expected and hasn’t finished yet. I was incredibly jealous when I heard that Se-jong held a Japanese fan meeting at the end of 2019. When “The King” finishes, I would like to meet you all. Until then, please take care of yourself and be happy. I will do my best to finish my work and greet you in good form. If you haven’t seen “My Country” yet, I definitely invite you to watch it. I also hope you look forward to “The King”.
You can direct fan mail to:
KEYEAST / 30, 11-Gil, Hakdong-ro, Gangnam-gu, Seoul 06042 Korea
#woo do hwan#my country the new age#mctna#japanese translation#interview#韓国TVドラマ#the king eternal monarch#tkem
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Distance pt. 1
Genre: Romance, Oblivious Mutual Pining, Operation:Jealousy, College!AU, eventual smut
Pairing: Jimin x reader
Rating: PG-13 (last chapter - M rating)
Synopsis: You adore Jimin but you’ve kept it a secret from him despite being so close to him. Jimin turns out that he feels the same. Would you be able to erase the distance between you and Jimin when mountains of obstacles come both your way?
Word count: 6.7k
PARTS: 1 | 2 | 3
(A/N) I know I updated you guys about this being a oneshot but as I was writing it, it became a bit long and I was also busy with a lot right now. I will split this supposed-to-be-one-shot into two or three parts. It won’t be a long fanfic.
Loud blasts of sounds coming from the room beside mine woke me up from my nap. My brother’s speakers were on full blast, with no regards for life present inside the house that might be savoring the peaceful afternoon that was once inhabiting this house. I rolled to the other side of my bed and buried my face under the pillow. I really tried to mask the noise but apparently, he shot up the volume twofold. I trashed my blanket away from me and stood up from the bed. Still half awake, I bolted out of my room. Standing in front of my brother’s room, I bombarded his door with loud and mad whacks. He knows I take my afternoon slumber a bit more seriously so he better make sure to expect an earful from me.
“Jeon Jungkook. Open this door this instant!” I brutally murdered his door with knocks and pounds then I was greeted by a smiling Jungkook, as he opens the door with just his head peeking through. “I was taking a nap. Good dream in fact. Give me one reason now, for me not to cut the wire of your speakers.”
“I have a good one actually.” He fully opened the door and then I was greeted by two smiling angels, or little devils depending on their mood. Jimin and Taehyung, my brother’s best friends and also my batch mates in college. I was in awe at the sight of Jimin sitting on a beanbag across the room. Not a moment ago, he was fully occupying my dreams and now, he’s here sitting quietly enjoying his bag of chips. Taehyung still continuing to dance over the songs that, I might add, are making my ears bleed with how loud it is.
“You know I don’t question your music taste, but do you want me to check your ears? Are you deaf that you need to turn up the music this loud? The walls of this house are gonna crumble down any moment with how ground-shaking and deafening it is.” Jimin chuckling while taking a mouthful of chips in his hands from the bag. Jungkook was still wiggling his butt to the music. I was stealing glances at Jimin as Jungkook proceeded to turn the volume of his speakers down. “Thank you.”
“Sorry. I forgot that you were at home. I thought you were at your part time work.” Jungkook leaned on the door with his arms over his head. “Mom and Dad are on a trip so I figured I could enjoy the house.” Jimin stood up from where he was seated and I could feel a small pull from my chest as he fixed his shirt. I admired his skinny but toned arms and ethereal face, glowing from the golden hour just emanating from the windows in my brother’s room. It is not helping that he was wearing a white loose long-sleeved shirt but still shows his amazing physique, which is totally my type.
“Hey.” I could feel the heat inside my body just from this small greeting from Jimin. Gosh, I am so totally attracted to this man. “Sorry to disturb your nap. We really thought you weren’t at home.” Jungkook removed his arms on the door and went back to join Taehyung, who is still enjoying bopping to songs in the background like the comedian he is. Jimin, now leaning on the door in front of me, looked straight into my eyes while smiling. I was taken aback and found my head back up from embarrassment that he might discover the flush stamped on my face.
He threw what seems to be my brother’s heavy blanket over my chest. I looked down and caught the blanket, and stared back at him looking puzzled. “Cover up.” He jokingly grinned. I looked down again and I realized that I was wearing a spaghetti strap tank and boxer shorts. I was beet red from embarrassment. Why did I forget the lack of clothing I’m wearing and here I am still in front of my crush like I’m parading myself?.
Jimin cleared his throat. “Are you gonna come to the party at Hoseok’s house this weekend?”
“I guess so. Are you gonna go?” I asked back.
“I might. I haven’t really decided yet.” He rubbed his nape and looked at me. It’s as if time slowed down as we both look into each other’s eyes. The tension was slowly suffocating me and I couldn’t muster a word.
“How about you go with us? I’ll drive.” Taehyung slid himself through the small space between Jimin’s body and the door.
“I thought Jimin’s not decided yet?”
“Oh.” Taehyung turned to look at Jimin. “He’s going to come to the party. I’m sure.” Taehyung chuckled.
Jimin just stood there quiet, with both his hands at his side. “Okay. You guys pick me up at 8?” Taehyung nods and proudly places his arms on Jimin’s shoulder.
“Noona, can you order pizza? I’m famished.” I saw Jungkook from behind, sitting down on his bean bag. He was sweating profusely on his forehead and trying to catch his breath. Looks like him and Tae danced their asses off.
“Sure. I was about to ask you the same thing.” I smiled as I step out of Jungkook’s room and hurriedly ran towards mine, Jungkook’s blanket still wrapped around me, to phone the pizza place. However, a part of me also wanted to quickly escape the tension that was brewing in the room.
Taehyung nudges Jimin’s side, warranting an eye smirk from Jimin. “What was that? Getting your tongue-tied?” He whispered as he stood in front of Jimin, just inches away from the open door. “You’re not doing a good job hiding your feelings.” He looked behind Jimin and towards Jungkook to make sure the younger boy doesn’t hear what he’s saying.
“What are you talking about?” Jimin whispered back.
“I’m obviously talking about y/n.” Taehyung poked at Jimin’s stomach, suprising him. “In this situation, why don’t you just confess if you’re going to be so obvious?”
“Am I really... that obvious?” asks Jimin.
“I’m your best friend since high school. I know you like the back of my hand. Besides, it’s like you become this shy little boy when it comes to her. You look so cute.” Taehyung scoffs, rubbing his hand on Jimin’s chin before walking back to Jungkook.
…..
“What was that? I thought he’s gonna hear my heart pounding.” I gently pat my hands on my chest, leaning on the door of my room. I paced around my room to calm down the party in my chest.
I used to just see Jimin as the goofy classmate and a friend of my brother’s. I already kind of know him even back then since he was slightly popular with the girls. Girls tend to ogle and chat whenever Taehyung and Jimin pass by through the halls. Come on, who wouldn’t? I admit that those two really look handsome but it didn’t faze me before. They became friends with my brother when they formed this band together with other boys from the campus.
We were once paired to present a report together in a class that we were both taking at the time when we were college sophomores. I’m not much of a talker especially to strangers. I’m comfortable enough with the company and stories of my few friends. That’s why it surprised me back then that Jimin would keep on making small talk even outside of our class while we were working together on our presentation. I just thought he would make me do all the work and not pay attention. He was really helpful with our presentation, even nitpicking all the small details.
Whenever he and Taehyung would visit my brother at home to do band practice, he would sneak in some moments to work with me on our presentation. I really saw his efforts when the date for their band performance and our presentation coincided on the same week.
“It’s okay. I can finish this. You can go back downstairs.” I was yawning in front of Jimin, while he snuck out from their practice downstairs to come to my room. He was adamant on working on the presentation.
“I want to work on this… with you.” I was sitting in front of my computer while Jimin was sitting beside me. I could feel his eyes locked on me as I let out another yawn. He slid his fingers on top of mine and I looked at him. The air in the room was ghost-quiet but my heartbeat was so deafening. It was the first time I felt shy around Jimin. I pulled my hand away from his. He cleared his throat and looked away. “What kind of a partner am I if I push all this on you? I don’t want my name to be on our work if I, at least, don’t put in this much effort.” He laughed and we both looked at each once more.
I guess I liked him since then. Ever since that night, my heart would jump at the sight of him. It’s like I got this pink sparkly filter in my eyes whenever I would see Jimin. I would become tongue-tied whenever I would be near him. I would be distracted in class, staring at him like what the other girls would do. I kept this to myself and I don’t want to be like other girls who go crazy over him and bother him. I thought to myself that my feelings would just be a waste of his time.
The week of his band performance and our presentation came. He still looks so handsome and perfect when he should be showing signs of stress and overwork. Their band practice would last until past midnight and he would allot at least an hour to work with me. I would sneak glances at his hands while I was typing and researching on the net. Sometimes, his hands would tremble from overwork. He would play the guitar for hours without rest. I could really see that he was tired. I would push him to just go home and rest since our report is almost finished but he would insist to stay in my room for at least an hour. Sometimes, he would nap on my beanbag for a few minutes then sneak back on the chair beside me to discuss our report.
Two days before their band performance, he unconsciously took a long nap on my beanbag. He was curled up like a cat, hugging his legs. He was so adorable like he could fit in my hands curled up like that. I noticed that my room was a bit cold so I took my blanket and placed it around him. As I was closing my distance from him, I heard him whisper my name so softly followed by a smile. My heart stopped and I stared at him. I wanted to caress his cheek. I was the only one to witness the cool Jimin from our campus curled up and vulnerable like this. Even if he wasn’t aware of my romantic feelings towards him, I was content with this distance. He is way out of my league. What would a cool and popular guy want from a normal college girl like me? Then I realized that my hand moved on its own and was now on Jimin’s soft and warm cheeks. I swiftly pulled my hand away and quietly walked back to my desktop.
It was not a surprise that their performance went on without a hitch and they became the talk of the campus. It was funny because Jungkook became a campus favorite as well. It was so funny to see that Jungkook would have eyes follow him wherever he would go. Girls loved his voice during the performance, screaming his name that night. All of them in the band became celebrities around the campus. Despite being the guitarist, Jimin also sang small parts in their songs and belted out high notes. I stayed at the far most corner and watched their whole performance that night. Jimin kept on searching through the crowd the whole night and there was a moment when I caught him connecting his gaze with me. His face lit up like a Christmas tree. You might even think that he was searching for me and was so glad to spot me at the back of the audience. I wish that was the case but there’s nothing bad in imagining it.
Our report was also commended by our professors, even getting praises from our fellow classmates. I was so proud of Jimin that he was able to achieve all of these achievements that week. I saw his hard work and dedication in all that he does. It makes me laugh that I had this former impression from him that he was just a typical popular guy who has no interest in anything but girls and vanity. Well, he really takes good care of himself and how he presents himself so I guess I could call him a bit vain.
The week after our report and their performance, he would still make small talks with me even outside our class. The band also frequently hangs out at our house, which made my college life a bit more chaotic but fun.
During our junior year, we barely had any class together and our schedules don’t match. I would just see him whenever he would visit my brother at home along with his other bandmates. We would occasionally eat together but only when my brother and his bandmates would push their way in my peaceful lunch time. He would sit beside me though, making my inner self very glad. I would, however, make sure that I was not so close to him since I was aware of the eyes of other girls behind him. He would show me a frown every time I would do this but I don’t want to overstep my boundaries. I don’t want him to know how I feel.
Our junior year went on like this. Not much interaction around the campus but I would be excited whenever we would be in the same place outside of school. I grew closer with their other bandmates, especially with Hoseok and Namjoon. The two of them were a year ahead of us and they both became my older brothers in a way. Hoseok would always know what to do to cheer me up and Namjoon would give me the best advices on everything. Although Namjoon is one year older than me, sometimes I feel like I’m the one taking care of him since he’s always clumsy. Whenever Hoseok is not free to offer a ride to Namjoon, he would always text me to accompany him somewhere. I share the same sentiment with Hoseok and the other members in the band that Namjoon shouldn’t ever drive for the sake of world peace.
As months go by, I grew a lot closer with those two than Jimin. We became a bit distant and Jimin would turn silent or timid whenever we would be in the same place. A few exchanges but the tension between us grew bigger. I don’t even know if he hates me, doesn’t want my company or just plain indifference. I couldn’t read him nowadays. Maybe we grew to be different people and I was just lucky that I was his partner for that one specific class report or I was just his bandmate’s sister. That’s it.
Now, we’re in the middle of our Senior Year. Hoseok and Namjoon have already graduated. Namjoon went away to live in another city to work while Hoseok stayed around here to work as an intern at a local subsidiary company of a renowned music label. Hoseok would sometimes visit Jungkook here at home with Jimin and Taehyung or he would ask us, sometimes including me, to visit him at home.
My friendship with Jimin got a little better this year compared to our junior year. Since the band is not active anymore, the three remaining boys relied on each other more. Taehyung would always barge in our house, sometimes un-announced, but not always alone. He would always come by at our house with Jimin. The both of them adore my brother too much to the point that they look miserable when separated from my brother, despite being older.
…..
“What movie do you guys want to choose in Netflix?” Taehyung occupied the far most left spot on the couch in the living room. I was still in the kitchen getting two slices of pepperoni pizza for myself and my brother. Jungkook was standing beside me, waiting patiently for his pizza. I handed him his plate and he quickly walked away to the living room. As he disappears from the kitchen, Jimin appeared. He stretched out his arm to reach for the other pizza box. Once more, the air in the kitchen became heavy.
“I’m glad you’re with my brother. He really needs the company.” Jungkook was just dumped by his girlfriend a week ago. I tried to start up a conversation with Jimin as I couldn’t take the heavy tension in the air.
“Yeah. Don’t worry, we’re here for him.” He closes the pizza box as soon as he pulls out a slice. “…as we are for you. Don’t forget that.” I looked at him and as I was about to say something when my phone’s screen lights up from beside the pizza box. Jimin also looks at my phone.
“Hoseok’s calling me. I should… answer.”
Honestly, I was taken aback from what Jimin said then I began to wonder when did we became this awkward with each other. No matter how much I try to remove the heavy air, it always just comes back up. “Yes?” I answer the call and saw Jimin turning towards the living room. He proceeds to sit in the middle of the couch.
“Y/N!!!!!!” I was greeted with a cheerful shout from Hoseok. “Are you coming to my party tomorrow?”
“Jimin, do you want some fried chicken?” Taehyung calls for Jimin as he offers his plate. Jimin took one chicken from Taehyung’s plate. “Who is she talking to?” Taehyung points.
“Hoseok-hyung.” Jimin’s eyes still glued to the screen as Jungkook chooses a movie.
Taehyung smirks but quickly erases it from his face when Jimin looks at him. “Hey, do you know that Hoseok-hyung plans to confess to y/n tomorrow?” he whispered and nudges Jungkook who sits between him and Jimin.
Jungkook almost choked on a small piece of pizza that he was eating. “HOSEOK-HYUNG?!”
“Yeah. He called me last night to ask me to at least convince y/n to come to the party. You know how she is with new crowds. He wanted me to make sure that she will come to the party tomorrow.” Taehyung looks at his friend. Jimin was frozen in his place, silent and taken aback.
“I didn’t even know that hyung likes my sister. Wait, eww! He likes my sister. Her?” Jungkook exclaims quietly. Taehyung shushed him and knocks his head. “I’m just joking but seriously? I didn’t even realize.”
“Am I the only one around here who pays a lot of attention to their friends?” Taehyung chuckles as he takes a bite on his chicken.
“Who pays attention to whom?” I noticed Taehyung and Jungkook were laughing and causing a ruckus as I walk towards the living room. I stopped behind the couch as I barely hear what Taehyung just said.
“Nothing. I’m just a good friend to everyone.” Taehyung flashes his adorable good boy smile towards me with his eyes squinted. I giggled.
I sat on the far most right spot on the couch beside Jimin. Jungkook chose Love, Rosie and I turned, in confusion, to look at Taehyung and Jimin’s reaction at Jungkook’s odd choice for our movie night. However, they just stayed quiet as the intro scene plays out. Normally, they would bicker on what movie to play but I guess they’re refraining on doing that today since my brother needs to soothe his heart. I would admit that watching a romantic film with my brother and male friends normally warrants a confused expression from anyone but somehow, this is now our normal situation. It just warms my heart thinking that my brother has got some good friends.
…..
I honestly don’t know what dress I should wear tonight. In the back of my mind, I slightly want to look good in front of Jimin. I barely dress up or even come to a party with him. I’m also kind of tired with our current dynamic. I want to get our old dynamic back. I just want to laugh at his jokes and see him dork off. I want to ease myself around him without getting tongue tied.
I nearly tried on all the dresses that I owned. My bedroom is a mess at this point. I tossed some of the dresses on the bed while a few were on my chair. After an hour, I was satisfied on wearing my trusty red dress. Hoseok told me that some of his friends from work are present in the party and I want to look at least presentable. This is not just your normal college party where everyone would get wrecked and drunk.
I gawked at myself through the mirror. The scarlet red dress hugging the right parts of my body. I could feel fire while I stare at the figure-flattering dress on me. The way the short sleeve hugs my arm and puffs ever so slightly above the cuff up until my shoulder. I trailed my hands along the neckline. I like how it plunges just enough for a peek of my soft twins but still gives off a classy and demure impression. It gives off enough allure but not too much without looking over the top. The skirt, hugging my behind, tapers off just around my mid-thigh elegantly emphasizing my curves. I paired it with an almost-beige beret. I’m going all out here. I want Jimin to notice me and maybe, just maybe, he’ll look at me differently now.
“You look nice. Different.” Jungkook stood at my door. I turned around, alerted at his presence. He was smiling while leaning against the door.
“Really?” I shyly twirled around. I have always trusted Jungkook’s taste in fashion. If he deems my dress presentable then I’m satisfied with it.
“Taehyung’s car is already parked out front. Jimin’s downstairs waiting for you.” My heart jumped a beat from hearing his name. Jungkook walked away from the door. I hurriedly placed my trusty charm bracelet around my wrist and collected my bag from the bed. I slowly shuffle down the stairs.
I slowly noticed Jimin’s silhouette come into view as I go down the steps. He was looking out the door, talking to Taehyung who was leaning against his car out on the street. I was about mid-way down the stairs when Taehyung pointed at me to call Jimin’s attention. Jimin turns around and was obviously taken aback by what he was seeing. I unconsciously fix my posture and the way I tread down. He looking straight at me. I could feel a small ember lit up inside my chest but I was determined to catch his attention. As I put my foot down on the last step, I slightly wobble almost slipping. I quickly reach my hand out on the railing to catch myself. I saw Jimin surprised and shuffling away from the door, as if to try and catch me but stopped when I did save myself from falling.
I wanted to scream in embarrassment but I stayed indifferent. I just continued to smile until I stood a few inches away from Jimin. He was still staring at me, shyly checking me out. He looks rather ravishing tonight as well. He was clad in a white long sleeved button-down shirt tucked in his black sleek pants paired with a classic black belt. His black hair flowing across his forehead. Simple but so Jimin-like. Just the way I like it.
“You look beautiful.” Jimin smiled. I could feel my cheeks burning from his compliment. Much to my chagrin, this small compliment completely erased my inner humiliation from a while ago.
“Thank you. You look nice as well.” I beamed back at him.
We both walked out the door and to Taehyung’s car. Taehyung complimented on my outfit as well. I teased him that his outfit was the only one making his appearance work. The three of us laughed and entered the car. Jungkook soon followed.
I thought I was going to squeeze out at least a conversation from Jimin but he stayed somewhat silent throughout the drive to Hoseok’s. Taehyung was talking to me while peeking from the rearview mirror as I sat behind with Jungkook. Jimin sat in front, making small conversation but he didn’t even stole some glances towards my direction.
We finally arrived at Hoseok’s. The four of us wading through the crowd to look for the host of the party.
“Guys!” A scream came from ahead of us, hidden behind the crowd. We immediately recognize who it is. “I missed you guys!” Hoseok came running, hugging all of us. I almost panicked at the sudden contact and looked for Jimin. I’m glad he was not beside or else, my chest would be buried across his arms. Instead, Jungkook was the recipient of this dreaded moment. Luckily, I pushed the thought aside since it’s just my brother.
“Hyung, we missed you.” Taehyung frowns and hugs Hoseok. He hugs Taehyung back.
“I heard the baby of the group got dumped.” Hoseok releases Taehyung from his arms and looks at Jungkook. Jungkook shyly laughs and hugs Hoseok as well.
“I missed you as well, hyung.” Jungkook lightly punches Hoseok’s arm as a joke. Hoseok does this complex handshake with Jimin from behind Jungkook as my brother is still wrapped around Hoseok’s body. Hoseok finally turns his eyes to me. He smiles and releases my brother.
“Look at you. I haven’t seen you in two months and here you are, looking so wonderful tonight.” He twirled me around, getting giggles from Jungkook and Taehyung. “Is it for me?” I jokingly hit Hoseok’s arm.
“This is a nice party. I gotta look okay so as not to embarrass you.” I swear I could feel Jimin’s stare from my peripheral vision as Hoseok continues to compliment me.
“I have to introduce you all to my workmates.” Hoseok pulls my hand to lead the four of us to the living room. The three boys followed the two of us. He stops just before two men. He calls them out and the two men turns to us. “Guys, these are my college bandmates that I was talking about.” I stood aside as he reaches his out towards Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook.
“Nice to meet you.” Jungkook respectfully bows and shakes the two men’s hand. The three of them take their turns in introducing themselves to the two men.
“Guys, these are Yoongi and Seokjin. Yoongi is a producer while Seokjin is an aspiring artist soon to debut under our label.” The three of them bowing once more, as well as myself.
“Who is this beautiful lady beside you?” They all turned to look at me as Seokjin turns the attention to me. I smiled and shyly bowed.
“I’m Y/N. Jungkook’s brother and I suppose you could say I was appointed as their manager when they were still active as a band.”
“So you’re Y/N? I heard a lot about you from Hoseok. He used to…” Hoseok quickly nudges Seokjin’s side and laughed. Seokjin stopped and just giggled.
“I heard a few of your songs. It was amazing.” Yoongi slips in. Taehyung and Jimin beamed at Yoongi. They were now starting to talk about music. Not that I don’t care about it but I don’t understand the technical part of it. I silently excused myself out from their conversation, not telling anyone from the group that I walked away.
I make my way to the mini bar. I could really use a drink and honestly, a time out from the boys. This dress should be making Jimin notice me but I guess I don’t have enough charm. With slight frustration comes a bravery to order two cocktail right away. As I wait for my drinks, I look around the party. I recognize some of the guests but I guess a few of them would be Hoseok’s acquaintances. I’m not much of a party person but it turned out that I only enjoy going to one when I’m with the boys.
“Why are you alone?” I heard a voice from behind me. I turned around and saw Jimin walking towards the bar. He stood beside me, leaning his arms on the bar stool.
“You guys were talking about music and I’m honest that I don’t understand a lot of it so I went to the bar. Also, I figured that I needed a drink.” Because of you but I can’t tell him that.
“Well then, you’re not drinking alone.” He proceeded to order his drink. While he was turned towards the bartender, I nervously fixed my dress and my posture. I slightly puffed out my chest and bent my waist, leaning on the bar stool. “So… there’s something we need to talk about.” I nervously stood straight from his words.
“Okay… What is it?” As of this moment, I felt like I was treading on thin ice. I couldn’t hear the blasting music from the party and the chatter from everyone else here. He was fiddling with his hands, which got me thinking that maybe it got something to do with me. I’m so nervous on what he was about to say.
“Uhhh…. Jungkook, Taehyung and I were planning to perform again at the Gala night.” Okay. I got my hopes up for nothing. “We’re in a slump trying to write a song. The organizers told us that we should at least perform one song about Love. Jungkook was our main songwriter but he told us that he doesn’t want to. We understand why he doesn’t want to but Taehyung and I are really doing our best. We just couldn’t come up with good lyrics.”
“Wait, why are you telling me this? Don’t tell me…”
“We need your help. I need your help.” He stared at me. “You and Namjoon-hyung worked together on one of our songs and it was a hit. Maybe you could do it again this time?”
“Yeah, but that was a song about hardships of youth. I just included my real thoughts into the songs. I guess that’s why the lyrics came easy to me. Besides, most of the lyrics came from Namjoon.” Jimin held my hand, which surprised me. He did his puppy eyes and silently begged me. I could see him grinning and tilting his head. It’s funny because the way he looks right now, it’s like we’re back to normal again. I smiled as I was amused by Jimin’s antics.
“You could try to include your real thoughts through the lyrics. Tae and I will help but we figured that we need another set of brains. We don’t want to make a song just for the sake of performing on the Gala night. We really want to make it good.” I could feel Jimin’s passion for music flowing out of him right now. This was one of the reason why I grew to like him a lot. He gives his all on whatever he does.
“Okay but trust me, I haven’t been in a relationship in a long time. My input might not be helpful.” I giggled.
“That’s okay. Neither have I.”
“Really? I thought…” Before I get to finish my sentence, the bartender gives out our drinks. Two for me and one for Jimin. He saw the two glasses I pulled from the bartender’s hands and chuckled.
“Going all out?” He asked, laughing while trying to cover his mouth.
“I told you I really needed a drink.” Even before I got a sip on my liquid courage, I’m glad we’re having this conversation and it’s going pretty smoothly.
“You want to sit over there?” Jimin pointed out a small couch just outside the reception area and beside the swimming pool. I nodded and followed him. We make our way out through the crowd and out the living room towards the pool area. He let me sit on the couch first and sat beside me. I placed my other drink on the small coffee table in front us while I sip on my drink that was in my other hand.
“I can’t remember correctly when the Gala Night would be. Is that… two weeks before our graduation?” I closed my eyes as I try to remember the significant dates.
“Yeah. I guess the Gala night would be… a month from now.” He casually sipped on his drink.
“Oh wow. That fast huh? We’re about to graduate from College.” I looked at him as I try to savor those words. Graduation. When we graduate, I won’t see him around and Taehyung. Jungkook would still be in college as a senior. Thinking about it just makes me sad.
“Wait, what are you going to ask me just before the bartender gave out the drinks?” he asks.
“Oh. I’m just surprised that you haven’t been in a relationship in a long time. I thought that with the abundance of choices around you, you might have your eyes on somebody already. ” We both sipped from our glasses. His gaze lingered on the floor for a second while sipping on his drink before he replied.
“I do actually.” I choked on my drink. “But I don’t think it’s the right time for the both of us. She might not even be attracted to me.” Jimin’s face is now somber.
“Who wouldn’t be attracted to you? Look at you, you’re plenty attractive.” Well, I am but that doesn’t erase the fact the he likes somebody already. He might even be courting her already. I finished my first drink and reached for my second.
Jimin stayed with me until I finish my two drinks. We talked about almost everything and you’ll wonder why we even became awkward in the first place. My heart was jumping all around the whole time we were chatting up. I was conscious if I smelled good or if I still look good. Taehyung gave us another round of drinks and went back inside to chat with Yoongi and Seokjin once more. I wanted my nerves to take a break so I asked Jimin to get me another drink from the bar. He stood up and left me on the couch. As soon as he was out of my sight, I slumped back on the couch.
Normally, I wouldn’t be this nervous talking to any boy. It’s not like I’m a stranger to love. I have one ex-boyfriend and that relationship ended on bad terms. That was in high school and ever since then, I haven’t fallen in love with anyone. Not since Jimin came barging into my life. It was really a push and pull situation ever since then.
“Hey miss. Can I seat beside you?” I heard a male voice coming from my side. I was still slumped back on the couch with eyes closed. I sat up properly and saw a stranger with two drinks in his hand.
“This seat is actually taken. He’s just getting our drinks.” I placed my hand on the space beside me so as to show him that I am not interested in his company.
“But no one is seating there right now.” He proceeded to seat beside me, disregarding my hand that he almost sat on it. “You can have my other drink instead.” He gives his other drink out to my hand. I inched myself away from this guy who’s beginning to irritate me.
“No thanks. My friend would be here soon.” I placed the drink that he handed me on the table. I got a whiff of this stranger’s scent and he smelled strongly of alcohol. Shoot. This guy is very intoxicated.
“Come on. I’m lonely. Can’t you entertain me at least while your friend is not here yet?” I was looking at his face while I wiggled away to the far side of my part of the couch. I didn’t realize that he started wrapping his hands on my thighs. I was shocked by the coldness of his hands and a shiver went down to my spine. I couldn’t think of any words and my hands started to tremble.
When I was about to push his hands away, I was shocked when somebody pulled the stranger off the couch. I looked up and saw a very furious Hoseok holding the stranger by the collar. He pushed the man off and shouted something out. I couldn’t really hear anything clearly right now but I was sure when Hoseok kneeled down in front of me and talked to me.
I looked around and everyone’s attention was now on us. It didn’t register to me yet at how Hoseok shouted at the man must’ve been really loud to get the attention of even the people on the second floor. Some of them were peeking their heads out the balcony overlooking the pool and garden.
“Hey, are you okay? He didn’t try to touch you anywhere?” Hoseok was kneeling down in front me, placing his jacket on my lap.
“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.” Everyone was still murmuring and looking at us. I was even more bashful at the amount of attention we’re getting now. Suddenly, my attention went to Jimin, Taehyung and Jungkook who were standing feet away from us. Jimin’s face looked so gloomy watching Hoseok and I while Taehyung and Jungkook were visibly arguing with the stranger who just took advantage of me.
“No you’re not. I’ll drive you home.” Hoseok took my hand and stood up.
“Jimin or Taehyung can drive me home. I came here with them.” I followed suit and stood up with Hoseok’s jacket still in my hands placed on my thighs.
“Those two drank. They can sleep here tonight.” A tone so stern came from Hoseok that I wasn’t even familiar with this kind of composure from him. He pulled my hand as we wade through the crowd. We also passed by a stunned and upset Jimin. Taehyung and Jungkook just watched as Hoseok pulled me through the living room and out the house.
Hoseok was silent as we walk to his car. I entered his car first followed by Hoseok. He soon starts the car and pulled away from the driveway. I looked back at his house thinking that I might have lost another chance to fix things with Jimin. Hoseok was visibly irritated about something as he taps his fingers in rhythms on the steering wheel. I don’t dare to speak to Hoseok as I was more nervous now with how he is irritated at something.
After a 15 minute drive, he stopped his car in front of our house. He was not stepping out of the car, still looking visibly irritated with one hand on the wheel. I thought that this was my cue to go out of the car so I opened the door and exited the silence-filled car. I took a few steps towards our patio when I heard a loud sound from Hoseok’s car door. I turned around and he was rushing, still looking very irritated, around the car and… towards me? I prepared myself for a lecture from Hoseok at how I was not aware of my surroundings and why couldn’t I even ask for the guys’ help when I was obviously in a bad situation. I closed my eyes and prepared myself for an earful scolding from him but I was greeted by a tight hug.
I opened my eyes in confusion as he hugged me tightly. My chin was sitting on the crook of his neck and my arms were frozen at my side. He released me from his arms soon after and he gazed at me with an expression I’m not familiar with. It was not from anger but something soft.
“I like you, y/n.”
Next: pt. 2
#bts fanfic#bts park jimin x reader#bts jimin x reader#bts fanfiction#bts romance#bts mutual pining#bts operation jealousy#bts smut#jimin smut
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Sleepless Night ~N.Romanoff~
So this oneshot has kinda been sitting in my drafts on wattpad and on here for quite a while. I thought why not upload it after I rewrite it to make it better than it was, I’d say I haven’t touched this one since last October (oops) but here is this oneshot rewritten, pretty proud of this one (Again this is based off the gamerverse Nat hehe but I couldn’t find a gif for her just chilling so..)
Natasha Romanoff x Inhuman!reader :)
Natasha catches you in the HARM room at one in the morning. Concerned about how you barely sleep, she confronts you about it. (Reader has the ability to create/manipulate fire) You tell her the reason as to why you’ve been struggling, she’s there for you in a heartbeat.
Just Natasha being a huge softie :)
Warnings: mention of sex only briefly for like a sentence, 18+, the rest of this is just fluff
Word count: Around 1500
Natasha' POV
Like usual, I could barely get some sleep. It has been like that for a long time. But tonight was different. Currently it was one a.m. I highly doubted that most of the others were asleep right now but the atmosphere around the chimera felt peaceful, for once instead of hectic.
Walking out of my room, I decided to just take my usual late night walk (or early morning walk, whatever anyone wants to call it). Heading to the back of the Chimera I couldn't help but here the sounds of someone practising in the HARM room.
It's not very often that someone is doing this, especially at this time. Walking through the door that led to the room, a simulation was of course going on.
That's when I saw Y/n, beating the shit out of aim forces with her power to control fire. The poor woman had barely been getting any sleep it seemed, she looked exhausted and I knew how it felt to be that way.
Sighing I walk into the room "Jarvis, stop the simulation" I speak up. He complies and shuts it down. Y/n let out a frustrated sigh and turned towards me, my arms folded holding my ground. "Why'd you do that, Tasha. I was on a roll." Y/n complained as she walks towards me, unimpressed.
I sighed "For starters, it's one in the morning and you need to sleep. I have noticed you haven't slept in three days." I reply. I'm genuinely concerned for her health, she really needs to get some sleep.
"You’re telling me to sleep? You haven't slept in a while either." Yes, that was true but we weren't here to talk about me "besides I'm fine. I can still go on missions and be energetic, so why'd you care?" Wow that was harsh, the why'd you care part but Natasha totally gets it, she checks up on everyone from time to time of course but they just don't know it for some reason and she is quite direct.
"I check up on everyone but you guys just don't know it." I add with a light chuckle. I go back to being all serious, I need her to know that sleeping is important but I want to know why she hasn't been sleeping in the first place. "Come with me." I casually add as gesture for her to follow me, Y/n shruggs her shoulders and follows behind me.
I go straight into my room on the Chimera, she doesn't question me (at least not yet) I gesture her to sit down beside me on my bed. "So, are you gonna tell me what we're doing in your room, Romanoff?" There's the question but I sensed a little flirtation from her as she said my last name, I gave her a small smile. "What's been keeping you awake?" I asked her, Y/n looked at me she seemed worried about the question as if she didn't want to answer it because I might judge her but I never could.
"It's stupid, there's no need." Y/n replies looking away from me for a few seconds and then looking down at her knees. She was nervous but what for exactly?
"Whatever it is, it's not stupid. You know I won't judge you." I tried to speak a bit softer, suddenly grabbing one of her hands in mine which shocked up both, she gave me a small smile, her hand squeezed mine slightly.
"Something has been on my mind lately and I've been struggling to sleep because of it. I just can't get it out of my mind and every time I try it just doesn't work, thanks to a certain woman on the chimera. I get these conflicting feelings and it gets me so confused and unfocused but I just couldn't tell anyone because I thought that they would yell at me."
I listened carefully to what Y/n had to say, come to think of it she had seemed rather off these last three days, especially on missions. It made me miss her ridiculous jokes, puns and silly flirtation, I want that Y/n back and I would do anything to get her back to her normal self. "What do you think could make us all hate you? We love you."
Y/n looked at me, didn't break any eye contact, it looked as if she was on the verge of breaking down, my thumb started brushing her hand as I held it, silently telling her that it would be okay. None of us could ever hate her no matter what.
"I like girls, like love them and I also like this woman in particular- I shouldn't have said-"
"No, it's okay. If it makes you feel any better, Tony' bisexual, Cap is just as confused about himself but lets be honest he likes Tony even if they argue. Yelena is an asexual lesbian. The list goes on." I paused. I was thinking about what I wanted to say about myself. I like men but I also like women although I have never had a relationship with a woman I know I like them because I have had sex with a few before my time as an Avenger. "And me, well I like women to."
Y/n gave me another smile, she seemed a lot happier when I mentioned what I just did about everyone including me. "Wow, I never knew these things. I'm feeling somewhat better but there' something else. This woman I like."
I nodded my head and let go of her hand, I was silent and waiting for her to mention who it was or at least give me a describtion sometimes it helps talking about who you love but sometimes it can hurt, in this case I'm hoping it won't hurt Y/n.
"Well she's very badass, can kick ass very well, looks good while doing it, actually she looks good while doing anything. She's around 5'5, looks very intimidating but is an actual amazing person although she won't admit it. She's drop dead gorgeous, pale blue eyes, I love her personality, her body is just so perfect. May or may not have walked in on her naked once and has red hair and-
I listened to every detail she gave me, only to realise at the 'walked in on her naked' part was actually me. I didn't know how to react until I decided to shut her up by pushing her down on my bed and straddling her waist "Oh, and did I mention she has fast movement?" Y/n lets out a gasp as I pushed her down on the bed but she then chuckles and smirks at me. "You think all of this about me?" I whisper to the young woman under me "Duh, now-
"Shut up" I interrupted her, she raised an eyebrow at me in question but I ignored it and pulled her in for a kiss. The kiss was quite sloppy at first because it was something that the both of us seemed to need after a long time of avoiding these feelings (because I also like her). Pulling away she had the biggest smile on her face.
"So I take it, the feelings mutual?”
"Yes dorogoy, lets just get some sleep. Okay?" Just as I was about to get off her and lay next to her, Y/n pulled me back in for another kiss "I'd much rather stay up." She cheekily smirks as she pulls away, wrapping her arms around my neck and clutching onto me.
"Y/n" I rolled my eyes at her, her grip on me loosend enough for me to get off her. I press a kiss to her cheek and we both get under my covers, she backs up slightly more to me and I put my arm around her stomach to keep her close to me "This isn't some dream is it?" She whispered.
~~~
It had been a good thirty minutes and we had just layed there in silence, just as I was about to finally get to sleep with the woman I loved in my arms, finally. She had broken the silence.
Y/n' POV
I really couldn't sleep, I had forgot to mention to Nat that had atleast two coffee' before I decided to stay up in the HARM room as well as stressing about the fact that I was confused over my sexuality and the fact I like her, I was so happy she liked me back and now here we are, laying in her bed, her arms wrapped around me.
"Nat, I can't sleep. I had two coffee' and I still have a lot of energy." I heard her sigh, I didn't even bother turning around to face her "Y/n, please just try. I was about to fall asleep."
I sighed and shut my eyes trying again but it just wouldn't work "You can sleep ya know. I'll go back to my room and-
I felt Nat' lips on my neck, pressing a few light kisses to my skin "No, you're here now and I don't want to let you go."
Wow that was cheesy even for Natasha "Okay, I don't want to either."
#natasha romanoff#natasha romanoff x reader#Black Widow#natasha romanoff x fem!reader#marvel#OneShots#this is gay#bisexual natasha romanoff#natasha romanoff being soft#inhuman!reader#my writing#natalia alianovna romanova
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mental health & vent
again, a long one. please stick with me here.
tw: depression, anxiety, ptsd, epilepsy diagnosis, suicidal thoughts mention
hey everyone, like I said in my last post, I won’t be as active on here. this doesn’t mean I’m quitting by any means, I’m here for the long haul! I just need a break for a little bit.
side note: I am not in any way suicidal or practicing self harm. this is just to vent and act as a PSA for my mutuals/followers.
now onto my main message.
I’ve seen lots of posts about mental health lately, and I’m so incredibly proud of those who have spoken up. They’ve inspired me to make my own post, actually. normally I’d keep it to myself, but this time has been rough and I want to get it off my chest. I’ll probably delete this later, but still.
I’ve been depressed.
long story short, I had a very traumatic experience a couple years ago with an ex boyfriend (not going into it on this post, for details just dm me. not something I’d want to post publicly, this is just an explanation) and I was deeply depressed. I was never diagnosed “officially” because I was afraid to speak up, as this would expose what I was going through. I had really bad anxiety at that time too, and I still do. I also have PTSD flashbacks from it now and again. none of this was diagnosed, and I still don’t want to bring it up to my doctors/family. my irl friends don’t even know, at least not most of it.
I have monoclonic epilepsy, which means my seizures are fairly small. my arms, legs, feet, hands, and fingers twitch, and I lose control for a few seconds. it doesn’t hurt, and sometimes I don’t even notice or remember it happening, but my family does. epilepsy in general runs in my family, and it can be triggered by a great deal of stress, lack of sleep, and of course flashing lights. in my case, I never “had” epilepsy or seizures until the “experience” I mentioned before, as it caused massive amounts of stress for about 2 years straight. it’s gotten better, as I now have medicine and am out of that situation, and I haven’t had a seizure since September, which is amazing and a huge blessing.
writing has helped with my depression and anxiety a lot, as I can write out what effects me the most. honestly, some of the characters are based off of myself (before vs after) and the person from the “experience.” this is just for therapeutic reasons, as I don’t really want to go to real therapy (I’d be too embarrassed to ask for it or talk to someone anyway, though I probably need to go eventually and plan to when I’m on my own).
however, when I stopped posting it, I started feeling bad again. I didn’t think I needed to post my stories to feel better or to make a childhood dream into reality, but not posting it made me feel somehow worse. I’ve stopped writing as much, and I’ve lost motivation to do just about anything. I’m working on a couple things to help myself get out of this “funk,” but any tips would be greatly appreciated!
this may seems stupid, but I’ve been depressed and very anxious about my schooling. I started in cyber security and got about halfway through, but I became depressed and had other issues so I didn’t finish the degree. now I’m starting in psychology, after praying for months and months for help with figuring out what to do for school. I finally got an answer, and that answer was to be a Christian counselor! I want to help as many people as I can, especially since I know how it feels to be anxious, depressed, and have PTSD.
I’m dealing with a lot of changes right now, as I’m selling my first car, might have to move out of my first house/childhood home, and just a bunch of other stuff. this sounds trivial, but I hate change. it seriously stresses me out. my neurologist told me that if I have any more seizures, I won’t be able to drive for 6 months to a year to be safe (as I could have an “episode” as I call it while driving and hurt myself/others in a potential car accident). trust me, trying not to be stressed while being stressed, anxious, and depressed is not easy.
on top of all that, my irl friends have all but abandoned me. I never hear from them (all but one, she’s the best!), and when I do they ignore me or pretend to listen when they obviously aren’t. I try to make plans with them, but they ignore me or just say “definitely!” but never try to set up times to hang out. It’s been almost two years since I’ve seen them all together. I was able to hang out with the friend I mentioned earlier to go to another friend’s recital, but that was it, and that was months ago. I totally get being busy, but I miss them and I don’t think they miss me, which really hurts. one friend ditched us on graduation day and we haven’t talked to her outside of “happy birthday,” or “@___ look at this thing I know you like,” which she never responded to. graduation was 4 years ago. I miss them all, even if they aren’t really my friends. I miss familiarity and their chaotic personalities. I’ve known them my entire life. honestly, I haven’t made any other friends irl, even though I’ve tried (I’m very introverted and a lot of people don’t get my humor/personality. I’m very much a mischievous old lady that uses weird wording (li.e. using uncommon words for my generation mixed with modern stuff, basically I sound like a vampire that’s been around since the 50s and mixes the eras together in some unholy mixture) at heart and I have very niche interests that I cling to like they’re my last hope). basically, making friends and meeting new people is hard for me for various reasons.
tumblr is different though, which I’m seriously grateful for! the people I’ve talked to are all so nice and really fun to talk to, and they’re part of why I’m posting this. @elvish-sky gave me the courage to post this and @hey-its-nonny and @padawansofthejediorder have been amazing and super nice to me, and I couldn’t be more grateful. the reason I’m posting this is to let them know what’s going on if I don’t respond to messages for a while, and to let them know what wonderful people they are and how much it means to me that they care about me, even if we’re just tumblr mutuals. I love you guys, thanks for being here! it means more than you know.
my mom and dad both had health scares recently, which made me spiral even more. I honestly don’t know what I would do if one of them died. they’re literally my world and my best friends, as ridiculous as that sounds. my mental health was so low I honestly thought I’d die too. they’re both fine now, which is truly a blessing and a massive relief. when I say I thought I’d die too, I don’t mean I wanted to commit suicide, but I honestly can’t imagine a world without my parents, especially my mom (hers was the main health scare, it was a case of reaction to a new medication for her migraines). we’re insanely close and she’s my best friend, as cheesy as that sounds. I don’t know what I would do without her. it’s making me teary just thinking about it.
long story short, please be patient with me. I’m dealing with a lot right now, and I need some time to take a deep breath and focus on my mental health. if you have any suggestions/tips for dealing with depression, anxiety, and PTSD flashbacks, please let me know!
for those I’ve tagged, you don’t have to reply or even read this whole thing if you want, I tagged you because I thought you’d like to know about this and/or I wanted to show my appreciation for your kindness!
I love you all, thanks for sticking around and listening to my rants. <3
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My My, I Could Never Let You Go
Summary: Sasha Zoe just wants her dad to walk her down the aisle. There is only one problem: she doesn't know who her dad is! Sasha invites 3 men in hopes of finding out which one is her father. What could possibly go wrong?
Pairings: Levi x Hange, Sasha x Niccolo, and other background relationships
Disclaimer: This is a Levihan Mamma Mia au. This fanfic is inspired by Mamma Mia which is directed by Phyllida Loyd, written by Catherine Johnson, and uses music from the pop group ABBA. Attack on Titan is a manga/anime series written by Hajime Isayama and published by Kondasha
A/N: Sorry for the wait! I had many tests and essays within the past two weeks. One of them sounds like a tragic fanfic backstory (Sorry Armin. He was in it lol)
Need to catch up? Catch up here!
Ch 6: Our Last Summer
After Hange leaves the goat house
Sasha and her friends waited a few minutes after Hange left to make sure the coast was clear. She gave her friends the signal to get out of their hiding spots after a few minutes had passed.
"Was the 'throwing me in a barrel' really necessary, Annie?," Hanami complained as she rubbed her sore head.
"You were taking too long getting in the barrel, and I didn't want us to get caught by Hange. Sorry about that," Annie replied cooly and got out of the barrel. She turns around to help Hanami get out.
"Well, at least it got the job done" Hitch jokes as she left her spot behind a crate with Mina.
Historia laughs at her friend's conversation. She was lucky enough to hide alone.
While this was going on, Mikasa was busy helping Sasha get out of the barrel and fixing everything in the barn to look normal.
Sasha zoomed out of the barn to find her fathers as soon as Historia fixed the final piece back to where it belonged.
Everyone sweatdropped, especially Mikasa and Historia.
Looks like we're going running again after all
---
“Sasha! Wait!” Mina yells. Sasha was running like her life depended on it (which it did, in a way). She was tired and exhausted, but Sasha’s adrenaline was too high to stop running. Sasha didn’t know which exact pier her fathers were in, so she was determined to check every pier Kalokairi had.
She couldn't stop thinking about how this happened. How was there a flaw in her plan? The plan was for her and her friends to wait until her fathers walked past them and jump them before her mom caught them. She didn't think far ahead of where to dispose of the bodies. Probably somewhere in Mike's yacht. Sasha also wanted to slap herself. They must have left through the window or through the hatch on the roof! No wonder they managed to leave without Sasha noticing!
Luckily for Sasha, it only took two piers to finally spot Mike's yacht. There was only one ship nearby and three male figures on it. Sasha had an 80% chance of being right, and it increased the closer she got.
"Wait!" Sasha yells at the trio. She prayed it was her father's, or else she yelled at total strangers. She noticed how her father's changed their outfits to suit the hot weather. Erwin wore a long sleeve polo shirt rolled up to his elbows with the first button open and shorts. Mike kept the same shorts on but was shirtless to show off his muscles. Levi was also dressed similarly to Erwin, except he unbuttoned his shirt all the way to show off his abs. None of the men seemed to notice Sasha’s call.
Sasha stopped running once there was no pier left to run on.
Fine, she thought in her head. I have no choice but to swim. Thank goodness for Hitch's beach day idea, or else she would’ve been doomed.
Sasha turned to her friends. It seems as if they read her mind based on the shocked looks on their faces.
"If Niccolo or any of the guys asks about my whereabouts, give them a random location, but not the beach. Send them on a wild goose chase if you have to."
"But what about our plans for today?" Hitch exclaimed, referring to why everyone had their swimsuits on.
Sasha took her clothes off, leaving her in only her swimsuit. She hands her clothes to the nearest person, Historia. "We'll move it to tomorrow!" She yells back and jumps into the water. Sasha starts swimming to the yacht.
The girls could only watch with shock as their friend swam away. Historia, who got over her's first, clears her throat to get everyone's attention.
"C'mon girls. We got a job to do."
---
Levi was the first to hear Sasha swimming towards the yacht.
"Oi! Sasha is heading over here!" He points out to Erwin and Mike to get their attention. Erwin and Mike look at where Levi was pointing and headed over to meet up with Sasha.
"Were gonna sail around the island. Wanna come? I could use more hands since I let my friend explore the island" Mike yells.
"I thought you weren't coming to my wedding?" Sasha yells back as she swims nears the yacht.
"Well, Four-Eyes wanted us to leave, so we decided to get out of her hair," Levi says with monotone. He, Erwin, and Mike kneel down to pick up Sasha from the water.
Huh, Sasha thought. Levi never used Four-Eyes in front of her before. That was news to her. She always hears everyone refer to her mom as Hange and never any nicknames.
(Levi only referred to Hange at first out of respect to Sasha. He is letting it slide more now that first impressions are over.)
"You're mom freaked out when she saw us? What was that about?" Erwin asked once Sasha was on the yacht. He hands her a towel to dry herself off.
"No!" She replied hastily. "She's just not thinking straight! She's been so stressed about the wedding. Things like decorations, food-"
Sasha stops rambling when Mike holds his hand out as a sign to tell her to slow down. She turned red out of embarrassment much to Mike's amusement. Sasha reminded Mike of Hange. Once Hange starts talking, she won’t stop even after the sunset.
She clears her throat. "Sorry. What I meant to say was my mom would be so happy to see you all as her surprise tomorrow!"
"You think so?" Levi asks skeptically.
"Mhm" was all Sasha says and takes a look at her surroundings. She has been on sailboats a few times. Mostly to travel between the mainland and Kalokairi. She would go when she and her friends rented a boat to explore the island or party. Sasha looks at Mike’s yacht in awe. She wants to buy one day to explore different parts of Greece with her friends and Niccolo. As Sasha was amazed by what she saw, she noticed something that definitely didn’t belong in Erwin’s arms.
"You took Mom's guitar."
Erwin stops tuning it to look up at Sasha. It was a simple classical guitar to Sasha’s eyes, but it held more meaning to Erwin.
“I didn’t steal it. I borrowed it. See-” He turns over the guitar to show Sasha there was more than what she originally thought. Engraved on the wood were the letters H.Z and E.S. “-Hange Zoe and Erwin Smith.”
Sasha’s opened her mouth in shock. Meanwhile, Levi and Mike just glanced at each other. They didn’t expect that out of Erwin.
Erwin notices everyone’s faces and chuckles. “Contrary to popular belief, I actually know how to play the guitar,” he says as if he can read everyone’s minds. “I bought her this guitar here on the island actually. There was once a shop here, but it is long gone now. I know because I checked when I arrived.” he adds solemnly.
Sasha sits down next to Erwin as he started plucking the strings to see if it was tuned. He starts playing it once he was satisfied with the sound. Sasha, interested in listening, sat with her legs crossed and rested her left elbow on her left knee. Sasha’s head rested on her fist as Erwin played.
Levi and Mike still stood nearby awkwardly watching the two. The two looked at each other with mutual understanding and left Erwin and Sasha to bond as they prepared the yacht to set sail.
---
“So what was my mom like?” Sasha randomly asks. Her mom's diary only showed one side of her story. Hearing from her fathers introduces a new perspective.
Erwin chuckles just thinking about Hange. “She’s a very happy and intelligent woman. Her smile was very contagious, and it can make anyone’s day.”
Sasha smiles at Erwin’s words. “What is your fondest memory of her?” she asks out of curiosity.
Erwin ponders on Sasha’s question. There were a few minutes of silence before Erwin looks down at the guitar on his lap fondly.
---
"Can I open my eyes now?" Hange asks for the fifth time since they left her house. She was beginning to lose her patience, and she was too excited for the surprise.
"Not yet." Erwin laughs at Hange’s excitement.
“Is it a new book?” Hange guesses as she walks blindly to wherever Erwin was leading her.
“No” Erwin chuckles and continues leading Hange to who knows where.
Hange can feel the surface shift under her sandals as she walked. She could tell Erwin was guiding her on the beach based on the unstable sand, the wind blowing on her sundress, and the sound of waves crashing the shore. Apparently, Erwin had a big surprise for her, and they only knew each other for 3 days! He gave Hange a cloth that morning and instructed her to tie it around her eyes. Of course, Erwin made sure to take off Hange’s glasses first and put them in his shirt pocket before proceeding with his plan. Erwin has been guiding Hange by the shoulders for a while now. Hange wonders what the surprise was.
Suddenly, Erwin stops moving, and Hange follows along. She feels Erwin’s hands moving to untie the cloth around his head. Hange flinched as the sunlight hit her eyes. She felt Erwin gently grab her hand and places her glasses on her palm. Hange puts her glasses back on and waits a bit for her eyes to adjust.
"Surprise, Hange." She hears softly behind her and looks down. Hange starts tearing up.
In front of her was a big blanket full of food, drinks, and neatly placed towels that looked like it was set up for a picnic. There was a brown classical guitar in the center. The same guitar Hange kept staring at for the past few days. She never bought it because she didn't know anyone who could teach her.
Hange put her hands over her mouth in shock as her tears became more prominent now.
Erwin smiles at Hange’s reaction. He takes one of her hands away from her mouth and guides her to sit down next to him. He picks up the guitar and sets it down on his lap.
"H-how did you know? Erwin, I'm truly grateful for this, for everything really, but…" Hange was too shocked to even talk. "I'm speechless."
"I work spontaneously.” Erwin jokes, “In reality, I asked a few people to help set this up. You know the couple who were selling the guitars?"
Hange nods. She wasn’t getting over her shock just yet.
“Well, their children helped me set this up for you. I've noticed you eyeing this guitar for quite some time now.” Erwin continues and gestures to everything laid out in front of her.
“Do you like it?" He asks although he knew the obvious answer based on Hange’s expression.
“Like it? I love it! Thank you! Thank you!” Erwin quickly puts the guitar away before Hange could accidentally hits it as she jumped on him. She wraps her arms around his neck and rests her head on his shoulder. Erwin wraps his arms around Hange to hug her back.
“Thank you.” She says softly next to his ear. Erwin smiles “You’re welcome, Hange.”
Hange pulls away from the hug to look at Erwin’s face, her arms still wrapped around his neck. Suddenly, she leaned forward and kissed Erwin on the lips. Erwin felt like he was dreaming and kisses Hange back. Oh my goodness, he is whipped for her! This was the first time they kissed since they had met. He wanted to thank God personally for giving him a chance with Hange.
Hange pulls away from the kiss to look at Erwin’s blue eyes that held love to the woman in front of him. Her eyes had the same emotion too. Both of them had goofy smiles on their faces. Her eyes wander over to the guitar laying next to Erwin. She gasps. “You know how to play? Can you teach me?”
Erwin smiles at Hange’s excitement. “Of course,” he said. Hange leans over to Erwin to pick up the guitar. She starts plucking random combinations of strings and going on about how he should’ve got it engraved.
Their kiss was the pivotal point of their relationship. Erwin, for the first time since starting his career, felt relaxed being around Hange.
---
Sasha was grinning from ear to ear after hearing Erwin’s story. She thought it was cute after hearing how her mom reacted to receiving the guitar. She could recall the times her mom taught her how to play the exact guitar Erwin held in his lap.
“I’m going to be honest with you Sasha.” Sasha perks up after Erwin spoke. He looks up at the sky and curves his upwards into a small smile. He turns to face Sasha with the same smile on his face. “I’m thankful for you inviting me here. Experiencing all of this-” He gestures to the space around them. “-makes me realize what I am missing out on in life. Thank you for that. You’re a good daughter, and I know you make Hange proud.”
Sasha smiled back. She would never expect that from one of her potential fathers. Maybe it’s a sign? She prays her mom would be proud of her during her wedding day. The day her family will be reconnected again.
They continue talking and sharing a few stories until Mike walks up to the pair. He cleared his throat to get their attention. “Hey, Sasha. Do you mind sharing some sites around the island? You’re the most familiar one out of all with the island.”
Sasha nodded. “Sure.” She stands up to look around her surroundings. She wasn’t paying much attention to where the yacht was sailing through during Erwin’s story.
She scanned her surroundings until she notices a familiar cliff she and her friends like to go cliff jumping on. Sasha points to the area and turns to Mike.
“I know a stop.”
---
“Is this safe?” Levi asks. Levi was thankful that Hange didn’t force him to engage in cliff jumping. The cliff itself was 20 feet. Levi watches as the waves crash onto the cliff below them. It seems as if his luck of cliff jumping ran out after meeting Sasha. She’s definitely Hange’s daughter.
Sasha gave Levi a big grin. “Of course! My friends and I used to jump off this very same cliff all the time!”
Erwin and Mike smirked.
“Of course it is, Levi. You just have to not think about it.”
“I’ve jumped from higher cliffs before. This one isn’t that tall. Just like you. Shorty.”
Levi glared at Mike as if that would wipe the smirk off of Mike’s face. Mike was lucky he was not standing next to him. Sasha was trying hard not to laugh too much and risk loosening her grip with Erwin and Levi.
“On the count of three!” Sasha started swinging her arms a bit. “One… Two... Three!” she yells and jumps off the cliff. The others following as they were jumping and falling at the same time as her.
Yep. She is definitely Hange’s daughter.
---
The group sailed around the island some more before taking a break near the coast. They were sitting under a tree and eating some food Gelgar had made before leaving the yacht to Mike. Sasha wore one of Mike’s shirts to keep her warm after swimming earlier.
“Who’s Gelgar?” Sasha interrupts Mike while eating her umpteenth sandwich within the fifteen minutes since the group started eating.
Mike swallows the food in his mouth before answering. “He’s a friend I met while traveling around Europe years ago. He’s also the one to watch over my yacht when I’m away. He mostly uses it to sail around the Mediterranean anyway. I trust him. I get the satisfaction of knowing my yacht is safe while I’m on the other side of the world. Gelgar has something he can use to visit other countries and drink the number of drinks he wants. It’s a win-win situation.”
Sasha nods in understanding. It seems like a fun idea to go travel around and see the world. She wants to do that one day. Oh, the number of foods she could eat! It made Sasha’s mouth water.
Erwin chuckles at Sasha as she continues to eat more food. She’s like Hange, who is hungry for knowledge, except Sasha is actually hungry.
The group starts sharing stories after they finish eating. This time it was Sasha’s turn to answer the questions.
“So what was your childhood like with Four-Eyes?” Levi asks. He leans forward a bit from where he sat.
Sasha was quiet for a bit to think. She was unsure where to start. She looks up to find everyone staring at her. The look of their eyes reassures her they didn’t want her to rush the story.
“Well, I lived alone here on the island with my mom until I was 2. My mom had hired her current assistant, Moblit, to help her around the hotel and babysit me when I was young. Remember the tunnel I lead you through to get to the goathouse?”
The men nod.
“That was only one of the tunnels I would hide from Moblit and sneak food in as he searched for me.” Sasha laughs nervously and rubs the back of her head. “Moblit is a nice and reliable guy. I don’t know where my mom and I would be without him.”
Erwin and Mike smile. On the other hand, Levi was jealous of this Moblit guy. He got to see some of Sasha’s milestones growing up. It’s no secret to Levi’s family that Levi dreams of raising a family (with the right woman that he loves. Not someone who he is forced to love). He did a good job watching over Farlan and Isabel’s kids. Plus, his mother wanted her son to give her a grandchild someday.
Erwin, as if reading Levi’s mind, spoke. “Is your mother dating Moblit?”
Sasha laughs out loud that she had to hold her stomach for support. “Definitely not!” she says as she wipes a tear from her eye. “Moblit is too concerned with mom hurting herself and fixes the hotel. Mom is too busy trying to keep the hotel afloat and raise me! Trust me, those two would put dating each other as the last thing on their minds.”
Sasha continues on and on about her childhood after she calmed down. She talks about how she met her current friends, how she used to run track, her first boyfriend, Hange’s shenanigans, her current friends, her love for food, and her fiance.
Levi notices how she never brought up the archery medals.
"Sasha," Levi calls out to get her attention. Sasha turns to face Levi. "I noticed the archery medals in the attic. When did you start competing?"
Sasha facepalms. How could she forget something like that?! She places her hands on her lap. "My mom had mentioned it one day when I was 6, and I begged her to find someone to teach me. She managed to find someone on the mainland who gave me private lessons on the weekends. In fact-"
Sasha rolls up her sleeve on her right arm to show off her arms. The males noted Sasha's muscles. She's athletic after all. "-I was pretty much a natural at it. I picked it up really quickly, and I’m a talented hunter. I can even hit a target with my eyes closed!" She starts flexing her right arm and smirks. "I'm a tough person to mess with."
Erwin was impressed. It seems as if he judged Sasha a bit too soon. She was hungry to learn new skills such as archery. Meanwhile, Levi kept staring at Sasha and analyzing what she said. Her talent almost reminded Levi of himself. His Uncle Kenny used to train him with how to fight with a knife (Kuchel almost had a heart attack when she saw them practicing one day. Kenny claimed it was for self-defense.) Levi was a fast learner and is skilled with knives and guns. Levi shook his head to stop thinking about it. Maybe he's just looking too deep into this? Nevertheless, he kept the thought in the back of his mind.
Mike smiles at Sasha’s challenge. He raises up his right arm and starts flexing. "Me too Sasha. Me too." He says as he looks at Sasha’s eyes. They were challenging each other in a staring contest.
Almost two minutes passed when Mike gave in and blinked. Sasha let a loud whoop and jumped up and down with glee. Erwin clapped for Sasha’s victory, while Levi awkwardly pats Mike's back for reassurance. He's not that much of an asshole.
"Ok ok. You win Sasha. Now, what do you want?"
Sasha makes an L with her left hand and rests her chin on it. Her left arm was resting on her right arm that she placed across her stomach. She taps her foot as she was thinking.
"Hmmm, what about you tell me a story about you and my mom? Also your views of her."
Mike looks at Erwin and Levi expectedly. Levi shrugs, and only Erwin speaks up. "She asked me the same question before." His mouth opens in an o with realization. Looks like it's his turn to share his story.
"Well your mom is energetic and the most intelligent woman I've ever met. She contributed to my decision of becoming a travel writer."
---
“Everything is all set, Hange.” Mike adjusts his outfit to make himself look presentable to Hange. He wore a pair of jeans he rolled up, a T-shirt, and sandals. To him, he looked like nothing compared to Hange. She wore jean shorts, a flowy long-sleeve blouse that showed off her shoulders, and flip-flops.
Hange was excited about her lesson with Mike. She had asked him if she can go sailing with Mike after their first night of stargazing. Hange was hoping to at least steer the wheel once. Mike walks up to Hange. She was steadily holding onto the wheel of the yacht. The afternoon sunlight gave Hange a glow around her figure. The wind was perfect for sailing.
Hange had a huge grin on her face. She couldn’t hide her excitement, and she was interested in learning about sailing and the mechanics behind it. Mike had promised to teach her about steer first before going into the complicated parts of sailing. Hange struck a pose when Mike stood next to her. He held something behind his back and out of Hange’s view.
“How do I look? Do I look like a captain yet?”
Mike laughs at Hange’s question. She looked far from a captain with her outfit.
“You don’t look the part but-” Mike moves his arms from behind his back to reveal the captain's hat he was hiding from Hange. He walks up to get closer to Hange and places the hat on her head. Mike smiles at Hange fondly once he was sure the hat was placed firmly on her head.
“Now you do, captain,” he says with a suggestive tone in his voice. Hange snorts and lightly punches Mike on the shoulder. Mike laughs out loud at her reaction.
“Shut up, Mike! You still have to teach me how to steer before I can do anything else.”
Mike walks behind Hange and places his arms over hers. He lightly grasps Hange’s arms and positions them in the correct position on the wheel. Mike moves to place his body close behind Hange’s. He rests his head on her shoulder.
“Ok.” He says next to Hange’s left ear. She shivers a bit from Mike’s voice. “This is what you do.”
---
It was sunset by the time Hange’s sailing lesson ended. Mike instructed Hange how to turn and he had her do figure 8’s and circles near the sea. The two were now sitting on the deck and drinking some wine Mike had brought. They were sharing childhood stories as some music from the radio played in the background. Hange was still wearing the captain’s hat.
“Wait so you were just born with that nose of yours? There was no accident, and no one in your family had one before?”
Mike shook his head. “Nope. I just had this ability since I could remember.”
Hange nods in understanding. She was curious about her smell now that she thought about it. She can recall the times she was busy in college or exploring the island to even bother taking a bath. Levi used to point it out and even forced her to take a bath once or twice during their time together. Thinking about him did make her heart hurt, but now she’s moved on. She doesn’t need him.
“What do I smell like?”
“You can smell some musk and vanilla. I can smell it the first time we met. Sorry about that.” he says quickly.
Hange waves him off and smiles. “Don't worry about it. I think it's really cool and unique! It must be a useful thing to have especially around food!”
Mike chuckles at Hange. “It’s a blessing and a curse.” He can smell delicious foods from around the world, but he can also smell horrible smells like trash. The two continued sharing stories until the song on the radio changed to one Hange was familiar with. She suddenly grabs Mike’s arm and stands up. “Dance with me, Mike!” Mike, who was falling for Hange every second, agrees.
They danced to the music around the yacht. The song was upbeat enough to dance the tango to. Occasionally, Mike would pick up or dip Hange around. This caused Hange to laugh from all the fun she was having. The two were obviously not professional dancers, but they were having fun. Hange was surprised by how well Mike could dance. She felt like a princess dancing with her prince under the stars.
Mike dips Hange one more time as the final notes of the song play. He pulls her back up and keeps her close to his body. One arm was behind Hange’s back and the other held her head. Their eyes met and their heavy breaths fanned each other's faces.
“That was...wow,” Hange says in between breaths. “You’re a really good dancer, Mike.”
“You too.” Mike continues staring into Hange’s eyes and Hange stares into his. It was as if there was an invisible force pulling them together as they leaned closer to each other. Mike moves his hand from behind Hange’s head and cups her cheek. He and Hange closed their eyes, and they kissed each other on the lips.
At that moment, Mike knew there was no turning back.
---
Sasha smiles after hearing Mike’s story. Maybe Mike is her father? Sasha has a talent for smelling meat from a mile away.
Erwin checks his watch and stands up. “It looks like we’ve been here for quite some time. Shall we head out?” It was almost 5:30, and they’ve been out for over an hour now.
Everyone nods and stands up to begin packing their things. Sasha made it her mission to speak to Levi next.
---
Sasha manages to speak to Levi during the walk back to the yacht. Erwin and Mike were conversing up ahead, so it gave Sasha some private time with Levi.
“Hey, Levi.” she starts and looks at Levi as they walk. Levi hums in response. “What did you think of my mom?” Sasha was expecting good things similar to Erwin and Mike. Sadly, Sasha doesn’t know Levi well enough to know how he speaks. Bluntly.
“She’s reckless, loud, annoying, and a bit crazy (that is an understatement from Levi). She even asked me to go with her to Kalokairi after five minutes of meeting her!” Sasha wanted to roll her eyes. Levi was also crazy for agreeing to go with her mother. What a hypocrite. (In Levi’s case, Sasha did not need to know why he said yes).
“Yet,” Levi's voice turns from irritated to gentle. Sasha was shocked by the sudden tone change. “She is an intriguing woman.”
Sasha stops walking and stares at Levi with her mouth wide open. To her, he doesn’t look like a guy to think of her mother fondly like that. His stoic face doesn’t give Sasha much to work with. Levi notices Sasha stopped moving and turns to face her.
“Oi! Stop standing there or else you’ll get flies in your mouth!” he yells and Sasha snaps out of her shock. She runs back to Levi and they continue walking in silence. This time Levi looks at Sasha.
“Do you want to hear one of my stories about Four-Eyes?” Right. Four-Eyes is a nickname Levi has for her mother. Sasha nods her head.
---
“Get back here, Four-Eyes!” Levi yells as he chased Hange across the beach.
“You gotta catch me first, Levi darling!” she yells back and continues running away from Levi.
Hange and Levi were hanging out at the beach on a sunny day. Levi laid down to rest his eyes for a few minutes while Hange was busy making sandcastles. Apparently, Levi slept long enough for Hange to bury him in the sand saved for his head. The worst part was when Hange decorated his body with whatever she could find and took a polaroid picture of Levi. Levi considers himself lucky to wake up to the flash. Hence the situation going on right now.
Luckily for Levi, Hange accidentally tripped from running in the sand and fell. Levi pounces on Hange and pins her to the ground. He was determined to get that photo. They wrestle on the sand for a bit, but Hange was too stubborn to let go.
"Stop it, Levi!" Hange laughs as Levi tickles her sides. She slaps her arms around in an attempt to get Levi to stop.
"You did this to yourself, Shitty Glasses. I'm just returning the favor." Levi continues to tickle Hange. She began loosening her grip on the photo.
"You have such a way with nicknames, Levi. I feel honored!." Hange laughs.
Levi wanted to roll his eyes, but he was determined to get that photo back. Even if he has to change tactics.
Hange didn't see it coming. Levi stopped tickling Hange, grabbed the back of her head, and picked her head up to kiss him on the lips. Hange was too shocked to react.
Hange was still stunned after Levi pulled away. She didn't notice Levi grab the photo out of her hands. He pocketed it away from Hange’s reach.
Hange shakes her head and notices her now empty hands. "Hey, that was dirty!" She exclaims and attempts to search Levi to get the photo back.
Levi tsks at her many failed attempts. "That wasn't dirty Four-Eyes." He gets off of Hange (much to her confusion) and extends an arm out to help her up. Hange takes Levi’s hand but was suddenly swept off her feet as he carried her bridal style.
"What are you doing?" Hange squirms in Levi's arms. Levi doesn't loosen his hold on her and starts walking to the ocean.
Oh no, Hange thought. This must be payback from a few days ago.
"Look. I'm sorry Levi! What happened a few days ago was a joke!" She exclaims nervously and tries to free herself from Levi. To Levi, he thought all of Hange’s attempts were cute, but he continued walking anyway.
Levi stops walking the moment the water hits his knees. Meanwhile, Hange continues to squirm in his arms despite having no progress. She stops when she notices Levi staring at her. He smirks. (That asshole)
"This, Hange, is playing dirty." Levi suddenly drops Hange into the water. She sits up quickly and coughs up some water. She was ready to drag Levi in for revenge but stopped when she heard an unfamiliar sound coming out of him. Levi was laughing!
Levi laughed like there was no tomorrow. Hange could tell he enjoyed it by the way he wrapped his arms around his stomach. Well, he was laughing at her, but Hange never heard the man laugh since they first met!
Hange smiles. She'll let Levi enjoy his fun for now.
---
The couple returned back to Hange's house to shower (and maybe a bit more but Sasha didn’t need to know that) after their rendezvous at the beach. They laid in bed together hours after coming back. The house was dark except for the moonlight spilling into Hange’s bedroom. Levi only wore shorts and was absentmindedly playing with Hange’s hair. On the other hand, Hange was wearing her underwear and one of Levi’s button-up shirts to bed except kept the buttons open. She was laying on Levi’s chest with content. It was quiet and peaceful. The only sounds they could hear were their own breaths. Hange could stay like this forever.
Levi was too busy playing with Hange’s hair to notice when Hange started humming to herself. The song didn't sound familiar to him at all, but it sparked his curiosity.
"What are you humming?"
Hange looks up at Levi from her spot and rests her chin on his chest. She stares into his blue-grey eyes. "A song I used to listen to as a child. It's actually one of my favorites."
Levi continues to stare at Hange. "What is it called?"
Hange smiles. "” I Have a Dream” by ABBA. The tempo is a bit faster than this and more upbeat. I just slowed it down a little bit."
"Can you sing it for me?"
"What?"
Levi rolls his eyes. "You heard me. I asked if you can sing for me." His face turned red from embarrassment and he looked away from Hange's gaze.
Hange squeals inside. She thought Levi was too cute. She sits up and places a hand on Levi’s cheek. Levi looks up at her with shock.
"Of course." She leans forward to peck him on the lips. "I'll sing it for you."
Hange leans back and sits criss-cross on the bed while Levi sits up to get more comfortable. She takes a deep breath and starts to sing the first line.
“I have a dream. A song to sing”
Levi was amazed by Hange’s singing. He genuinely thought she was a talented singer, and she should sing to him more often. Heck, she sounds better than Isabel and Isabel is the best singer he knew.
Levi smiles as Hange continues to sing. He felt as if he could relate to the song in a way. Meeting Hange and spending time with her has been like a dream. She was a dream come true for him. A dream Levi longs for without the responsibilities life throws at him. He felt free and didn't want to wake up. He was happy, content, and in love with the woman singing in front of him now.
---
Sasha smiles sadly after Levi finished his story. Levi spoke about her mother bluntly and with a stoic look on his face earlier. She noticed the light in his eyes, the hint of sadness in his voice, and he had a longing look in his eyes. She never got the chance to ask Levi anything else as they had already reached the yacht. Levi had walked ahead of Sasha and boarded the boat, leaving Sasha to not see the sad expression on his face.
---
It was already almost 6 when Mike’s yacht set sail again. Mike was busy steering the yacht. Erwin was laying on a bed reading. Sasha was sneakily trying to find a way to speak to Levi after their last conversation. She stood a good distance away from Levi and (tries to) subtly look at him.
Levi was sitting at the front of the yacht, looking out into the distance deep in thought. Sasha noticed from afar but was too nervous to approach him. She wanted to talk to him more about her mother. Sasha lightly slaps herself on the cheek. Get it together! You already talked to him before, with others around, you can do it again! Sasha looks around the boat to see if anyone noticed her pep talk before walking up to Levi with confidence.
She was just two feet away from him when he spoke. His gaze was still looking out at the sea. “You know, you’re not exactly subtle when you slap yourself like that. I’m not that much of an intimidating guy to talk to.” Levi turns to Sasha with a small, yet subtle smirk on his face.
Sasha felt all of her confidence go down the drain, and nerves got to her again. She took a deep breath before asking a question that's been haunting her since she read her mom’s diary.
"Did you really love my mom? After you met her, I mean."
It was a simple question, but it took Levi aback. He didn't expect that from Sasha. Maybe she asked Erwin and Mike a similar question?
"I did." That was all Levi says cryptically.
Sasha raises an eyebrow and waits for Levi to expand on his answer. When he didn’t, she decided to lead the conversation.
"So why did you leave and never come back?"
Sasha notes the shock that passed Levi’s eyes. It seems to her that he thought about the question before. Levi took some time to recover from his shock but remained quiet. Why did he not come back? Would Hange really forgive him if he came back days after leaving and begging her for forgiveness? He looks up at the other men on the boat and frowns.
Probably not. She had Erwin, Mike, and now this Moblit guy who was basically living his dream. That asshole. Levi looks at Sasha expecting annoyance from his silence. He was met with the opposite instead. Levi could see the curiosity in her eyes as she waited patiently for his answer. He was nervous to reveal his reasons.
"I didn’t come back because I-" He stops because of his nerves getting to him. He takes a deep breath. Sasha was waiting with anticipation. "I didn't come back because-"
"SASHA!!!!" Levi was interrupted by someone yelling from the beach nearby. The man was tall, had wavy blonde hair, and was shirtless. He looked over at Sasha questioningly. “You know the guy?” he asks and uses his thumb to point at the man.
Sasha wanted to facepalm herself. Of all the times! Right before the juicy part too! Niccolo is going to suspect something is up if she does not hurry!
“Yeah. That’s my fiancee calling for me.” She laughs nervously and takes off Mike’s shirt to hand to Levi. Mike and Erwin gather around her confused about the man calling for her.
“I am so sorry, but I have to go. You will be at my wedding right?” Sasha asks hurriedly. She starts running towards the edge of the boat so she could jump in the sea. She could still hear Niccolo calling for her.
“Absolutely.” Mike pats Sasha's arm.
“We’ll be there.” Erwin smiles.
“Promise.” Levi nods his head.
They watch as Sasha swam away from them and towards the shore.
Mike put his hands on Erwin and Levi’s shoulders.
“Let’s head back to shore. I don’t want Gelgar to come back with a hangover before we explore the island some more.
---
Sasha runs into Niccolo’s open arms. He hugged her tightly and spins her around on the sand. “Where have you been, Sasha? I’ve been looking all over for you all day.”
Sasha lets go of Niccolo as he sets her down and rubs the back of her head nervously. “I’m so sorry Niccolo. I’ve just been all over the island.” She laughs and reminisces about her father-daughter bonding time. Today has been nothing but wonderful.
Niccolo didn't want to ruin Sasha's happiness, but who was Sasha with earlier?
©: This is where I insert all rights reserved stuff. This story belongs to me. Do not modify or republish
Author’s Note:
I just realized that I want to write in present tense and I wrote in past tense before. Oops lol.
The next chapter should be out on Sunday! The infamous “Lay All Your Love on Me” scene! I’m excited 😁
#levihan#levi x hange#levihan fanfiction#nicosasha#erwin x hange#mike x hange#mikenana#aruani#hitch x marlow#marco x mina#pokkopikku#snk#aot
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Fic Writer Questions
I'm bored and this was in a note on my phone from forever ago, so I must have been tagged at some point. Apologies to whoever tagged me. 🥴
1) How many works do you have on AO3?
52. Though, I used to have a few more. I deleted a few fics some years ago bc I hated that they were just sitting there unfinished. I was going through a particularly brutal bout of writer's block that affected both my fic writing and my RP writing.
2) What's your total AO3 word count?
720,782. And I was stressing about a 30-page thesis. 😂 (which ended up being over 15,000 words)
3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?
I started writing fic in 2000 with *NSYNC, Christina Aguilera, and Backstreet Boys fics. I stopped writing a bit around 2004-2007 (because of a stupid boy) and picked it up again in 2012 after reading some awesome Cherik fics and wanting to write my own FrostIron College AU when I read one that was good, but kind of disturbing. I think I write for one fandom -- Marvel -- but, like different factions of it. FrostIron and WinterFrost mostly, with a dash of Stucky, ThunderFrost, DashingFrost, and WinterIron.
4) What are your Top 5 fics by kudos?
Black Light Special (WinterFrost) - 628 kudos
Can I Bum A Ride? (WinterFrost) - 425 kudos
Empire State of Mind (FrostIrom) - 420 kudos
Dark Side (FrostIron) - 398 kudos
A Worthy Collection (FrostIron) - 309 kudos
5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?
I really do make an effort to respond to every single comment, even the not-so-nice ones. I want people to know I've seen and read the comment they took the time to post, so even if I just thank them for reading and commenting, I respond.
6) What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?
Considering it features two -- count 'em, two! -- major character deaths, it's definitely Empire State of Mind. Though, I'd argue Dark Side is a pretty close second.
7) What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?
Probably Ghosts That We Knew. It was the final fic in the trilogy that is the Picture Perfect Series. It follows Loki and Tony from when they meet in college and ends 30+ years later.
8) Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?
No, not really. And I rarely, if ever, read them. There's no real reason behind it other than I've just never come upon one and thought "ooh I need to read that."
9) Have you ever received hate on a fic?
Yes. I got a lot of hateful messages after I completed Empire State of Mind. People were really angry at me for killing off two major characters. I mean, a lot of the messages were "omg I hate you but I loved this!" kind of vibe. But there were a few that cussed me out and called me names for writing it.
I had some chapters of a Fools Rush In FrostIron AU posted a while ago, in which Loki was a female, the only daughter in both the Odinson and Laufeyson families. Following the storyline of the Matthew Perry/Salma Hayek movie, Loki meets Tony Stark in a bar and gets pregnant from a one night stand. Anyway, I got a lot of messages telling me that Odin's misogyny and mistreatment of Loki was unrealistic -- even though I had literally modeled his behavior after the movie that inspired it. 🤷🏽
I have some prompts done for the 100 Ways to Say ILY writer's block challenge and for one of them, I borrowed the storyline from an episode of Will & Grace when Will's father dies of a heart attack after they have a bad argument where his father basically admits he wished Will wasn't gay so he could have had an easier life. In the epsiode, the fight starts because Will's parents gift his baby blanket to Grace, who is pregnant with her ex-husband's child. Will takes offense, they don't understand why bc he never mentioned wanting children, and a fight ensues. Similarly, in my fic, Frigga and Odin offer a pregnant Natasha (his BFF) Loki's blanket. Some readers did not like this and did not understand why I would write it. In another prompt, one that was literally how my last relationship ended, got some harsh critiques. Those ones hurt especially bc it was such a personal experience I wrote about.
And I actually got into a fight -- like a screaming match -- IRL with my best friend's boyfriend at the time. One of my bestie's friends asked about my fanfiction and I gave them the gist of one of my stories where Loki has a brief relationship with Sif that results in a child and later reconnects with Tony. Later on, Sif offers to be a surrogate for Tony and Loki and eventually births three more children for them. Bestie's boyfriend could not fathom why a woman would purposely get herself impregnated and then give the child away. I tried to explain that this was a thing that a lot of women did IRL -- and some don't even use their own eggs, but the eggs of a woman who cannot conceive; Sif used her own eggs so that all four children were half related (two by Loki, two by Tony). But he just did not believe me and told me I must not be a very good writer. Worst night of my life.
10) Do you write smut?
I was just telling @teadrinkingwolfgirl the other night how when I first started writing fic I did not write sex scenes. It was always inferred or glossed over. When I started writing again in 2012, for FrostIron, it was my first time writing more detailed sex. I cite Jackie Collins as my smut-writing mentor. I've written almost exclusively M/M smut.
11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?
Not that I know of.
12) Have you ever had a fic translated?
Yes! Which is like the best thing ever! A couple of my older fics have been translated to Russian. I have one *NSYNC fic that was made into an audio fic. And someone recently messaged me on ff*net to ask to translate as many of my fics as they can to Spanish. :D
13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?
No, not technically. I've gotten a lot of prompts and ideas from friends and mutuals, and I started reformatting my WinterFrost RP with my ex from 2014-2015 into novel form a while ago. That's tecnically the only thing I've written with someone else and published.
14) What's your all time favorite ship?
I have two that will always, ALWAYS, have my heart and attention. FrostIron (Tony Stark/Loki) and WinterFrost (Bucky Barnes/Loki). They are the two ships that I write the most, read the most, and seek out fanart for the most.
15) What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?
Probably The Flame. It's a fic that starts out ThunderFrost (not related; Asgardian Prince Thor semi-rescues an imprisoned Jotun Prince Loki) but eventually ends up FrostIron. It's the only fic I've ever written that features Loki with both male and female biology. I have a few chapters done but I haven't worked on it in years.
16) What are your writing strengths?
I like to think I write realistic relationships. And I think my dialogue is also realistic and easy to grasp. And I put a lot of humor in between all the angst and hurt.
17) What are your writing weaknesses?
I think I get too detailed with background. I just reread my Picture Perfect series (which I do like once a year), and there are literal paragraphs of background that in Google Docs is like pages and pages. But I want to make sure people understand my characters! LOL
18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?
I'm a big fan of it. I featured a lot of Norwegian in the Picture Perfect series. And French. I think as long as it flows with the storytelling and it's not forced on the characters it can be really cool. It should be natural. I always leave a translation list at the end of the chapter or explain in-text what was said. Which I think most authors I've read do.
19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?
The Backstreet Boys. LOL. Don't judge. I started writing my own fics after discovering BSB fanfiction written by an author named Mistress Lynz. She wrote a lot of fics about bloodletting, but I really enjoyed the fics where the guys were hooking up with each other behind the scenes, LOL explains why I write mostly M/M now. 😂
20) What's your favorite fic you've written?
They're kind of like my babies so at different times different ones are my faves. But if I really had to pick one, I would say Stay With Me is my favorite. I got some of the most amazing comments on this story from people that found meaning and themes in the story that I didn't even realize I'd put in there. It was one of my first WinterFrost fics I'd posted and the response was more than I could have asked for.
And now I have to tag people! @teadrinkingwolfgirl @incredifishface @incubigirl @rabentochter @marvelswinterfrost and whoever else feels up to it.
xoxo
#fic writer meme#fic writer questions#all my fics#my writing#frostiron#winterfrost#stucky#thunderfrost#winteriron#dashingfrost
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Meet the Blogger
Thanks for the tag @risingphoenix761 :D
1. How/why did you choose your url?
It was me trying to be punny with my name (Ashton) and the fact that I can be fiery when it comes to topics that I’m passionate about.
2. Any side blogs? If you have them, name them and explain why you have them
I run @negans-network to help promote Negan content.
There’s @we-write-imagines but it’s been a dead blog for years. It has some amazing little imagines tho!
I did create another side blog that I was going to try and make into a book review blog, but I never posted on it. I’m not sure people on tumblr really care about stuff like what I’m reading and what I think of non-fanfiction romance books, so for now I stick to my bookstagram and Goodreads for that.
3. How long have you been on Tumblr?
I just had to go look at my archive, and holy crap apparently I made my tumblr in April 2012, so almost a decade ago. I barely used it at first, then it went dead for a few years before I realized there was fanfiction on here, and I came back lol
4. Do you have a queue tag?
I do, tho sometimes it’s stressful af to keep posts on it, because I usually try to keep at least a few days worth lined up.
5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?
Originally it was because my roommates in college told me to make one lol. Most of my original posts were reblogging random aesthetics, Hunger Games, and Vampire Diaries content.
6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?
I just use photos of myself because I could never decide on one character or fandom for my profile pic. I actually just changed it recently for the first time in years, because I felt like the other selfie was out of date and I do not look that young anymore *le sigh*
7. Why did you choose your header?
It’s just a random af photo I found on google images way back when. I wish I was fancy enough to make cool header collages or photos like so many other people do, but alas, I am not.
8. What's your post with the most notes?
THIS ONE and I still am shook that it gets so many new notes each day.
9. How many mutuals do you have?
Wait, is this something we can actually know?!
10. How many followers do you have?
Currently 5,283 (y’all are awesome)
11. How many people do you follow?
Currently 242 but I really need to find some more because it’s gotten to be the same posts on my dash, or a lot of blocked posts since I blocked spoilers for Falcon and Winter Soldier, Lucifer, and Loki (I know, I know, I’m SO behind). I’m just very picky about my dash content, which doesn’t help with trying to keep a full queue of thirst blogging posts XD
12. Have you ever made a shitpost?
Maybe? I’m not sure I understand fully what it means, because I think of it as being off-topic content from your usual aesthetic, but I could be totally wrong about that.
13. How often do you use Tumblr each day?
Not as much as I used to when the fandoms I was in were super active, but I do check it regularly.
14. Have you ever had a fight/argument with another blog? Who won?
Yes. There was way more drama going on behind the scenes in the Negan fandom back in the day then I think a lot of people realized, and I’m so grateful to be removed from that nonsense and those blogs now. I don’t think anyone “wins” in those situations, because it’s shitty all around. There’s also blogs I thought I was cool with for years and that turned out not to be the case, which is always a crappy realization. But I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not going to set myself on fire to keep others warm, and have gotten very selective in who I interact with. Here’s hoping those blogs have all moved on and don’t still waste time trash-talking me in their little discord chats XD
15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?
I ignore them. People can reblog whatever they want, and I don’t allow myself to feel pressured by that stuff anymore.
16. Do you like tag games?
Yes!
17. Do you like ask games?
Yes!
18. Do you have a crush on a mutual?
Aesthetic and squish crushes, yes. One actually tagged me in this post <3
Tagging: @kellyn1604 @letsby @londoncapsule @whoreschach @jdmorganz @sarcasm-is-my-native-tounge @84reedsy @girlwiththepapatattoo @uglywettiewrites @irrelevantwriter @jobean12-blog
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could i request an -oikawa-kuroo-suga- headcanons for a partner with autism/adhd? (autism and adhd in girls can be like, real hard to write if you dont have it or know someone who does so its 100% okay to say no wididnejfufhejrr) especially with like, being embarrassed about stimming in front of them or dealing with rejection sensitive dysphoria as a symptom 😗👉👈 thank yooooooooooou i owe u my liyef
haikyuu + s/o with autism/adhd headcanons
✧ hc’s ✧ for oikawa, kuroo, suga & tendou
❧ gn reader
✎ 1.3k words
a/n: i got u b! this is wut im here for, to help u feel a lil represented 😌 also ik u a special fren of mine so hehe here u go (happy birthday soon btw c; ily i hope you enjoy pls feel free to lmk if there’s smth youd like me to change ♡)! aLsO pLEASePLEAseplEASe anyone let me know if there is something I wrote in this that doesn’t sit well with you. as someone who does not have autism/adhd or has had much experience around people who do, i cannot portray it accurately. i do not intend to misrepresent anyone’s experiences. i love and care for you all; the last thing i want to do is hurt or offend anyone. thankfully anon + the internet were great sources for me to try to understand things better. tho that is not to say i can fully comprehend these conditions (cuz i never can unless i experience it myself)
n e ways, u r all loveli n i hope ur having an amazing day <3
just wanna preface that these bois would love anyone for who they are, and would do their best to support you in whatever ways possible <3
oikawa
✧ oikawa had been replying consistently to your messages before suddenly disappearing with no explanation,,,
✧ at first it seemed like nothing, but after several hours and follow up texts from yourself, you couldn’t help but think that maybe he just didn’t want to reply to you
✧ maybe he didn’t even like you anymore
✧ fear that every moment you shared together meant nothing settled in the pit of your stomach
✧ a while later you received a phone call from a very apologetic oikawa, who was explaining that he dropped his phone in the bowl of ramen he was eating and had to go to the store and wait for hours before finally getting a new one and--
✧ “a-are you crying? hey, what’s wrong? i’m sorry i was gone for so long. i’m here now.”
✧ will definitely come over immediately to give you reassuring cuddles
✧ “you mean the world to me. i never want to hurt you, and i never want to leave you, either.”
✧ makes sure to communicate very clearly with you to reassure you what he really means
✧ always reminding you how much he cares about you to reinforce in your head that he’s always going to be there for you
✧ does self-care days with you to destress because life is tough (*cue selfies with face masks and laying in bed for hours with each other’s comforting presence*)
✧ very quick to defend and protect you from people who hurt you. will ask, “excuse me, can i help you?” with a piercing glare that’ll get anyone to back down
✧ gives you constant reassurance about your stimming
✧ helps you interpret social cues and situations, gives you tips on how to handle your interactions with others and in under circumstances (as well as how to remain calm in your own mind)
✧ practices positive self-talk with you because he wants to help you see how great you are
✧ anyone who doesn’t see it is at a loss and is irrelevant, they don’t exist in oikawa’s book 💅
kuroo
✧ always educating himself so he knows how to be helpful
✧ unintentionally embarrassed you once by asking what you were doing when he caught you stimming once (which was when he found out about it)
✧ he was genuinely curious and meant no harm, and he apologized for bringing it up how he did
✧ however, he was glad he asked you so that he could be informed and reassure you that stimming is okay. he understands the importance of it and he’d prefer you have something to help you self-soothe. no judgment here, this is a safe space
✧ takes mental notes on all your favorite stims (verbal, visual, tactile, oral, proprioception, etc)
✧ even discovers new stims for you to try and buys you things to help with them (“here, this is a fidget spinner, y/n” or “you know they make CHEWABLE JEWLERY? they call it CHEWELRY. that’s genius. *typing on phone* what colors do you like, babe?” )
✧ encourages you to talk about your feelings and find additional coping strategies (“let’s try this neat breathing technique i learned about today!”)
✧ saves you from overwhelming situations (ie. pulling you out of a crowd, shutting down really noisy things, giving you space to clear your head and breathe)
✧ ruffles your hair as a sign of affection and calls you cute nicknames
✧ helps you study, make plans, and stay organized. tries to keep things interesting and interactive so you don’t lose interest/find it boring
✧ when you’re having an especially hard time focusing, he’ll pull you aside for a relaxing break like talking a small walk, watching an episode of y’alls favorite show, sharing a snack, playing a game, looking at memes or tik tok, chatting, etc
✧ makes sure to validate your feelings first and acknowledge your concerns before giving you his thoughts
✧ helps you view situations from a different perspective so you don’t assume rejection from others. when there is some form of rejection, he’s there to help you cope with the emotions
✧ gives you a lot of hugs when you’re feeling dejected and lonely, reminding you he’ll never leave your side
sugawara
✧ he’s quite perceptive, so when he noticed your unease, he asked you about it
✧ embarrassed but not wanting to lie, especially to suga, you admitted to being afraid of stimming around him and that you had been trying to hold back from it (even if it was hard)
✧ his eyes immediately soften as he tells you that there’s no reason to be embarrassed about it
✧ he just wants you to be yourself and feel comfortable
✧ learns about all of your stims. totally supports and normalizes them (however, if they’re ever self-injurous, he’ll do research and consult expert help to redirect the behavior)
✧ will absolutely take good care of you, he’s not sugamama for no reason
✧ a great listener! always hearing you out when you talk about your passions and interests
✧ wants you to express yourself however you can because he understands communication may not always be easy (reminder that communication and expression aren’t always verbal!)
✧ praises you and hypes you up all the time, going on about how there’s so much about you he loves
✧ has the most soothing voice ever. will whisper you sweet, reassuring words to calm and ease your mind
✧ will even just hum for you. lit rally anything. the suga juke box varies from lullabies to funky fresh songs
✧ very patient and will support you when you feel upset, frustrated, and/or have outbursts
✧ encourages you to talk about your feelings, but never pressures you. shares his own thoughts and feelings to help you open up, asks you thoughtful questions
✧ may be ultimate soft boi but gives anyone the look™ if they even just stare, and goes feral if someone’s ever rude to you in any way, calls them tf out and is #satisfied when he gets them to apologize
✧ also helps you study and be organized! good at creating schedules and encouraging you to stick with them
✧ constantly making sure you eat sufficient meals 😋 and get enough rest 😴 will nag you until you do
tendou
✧ MORE THAN HAPPY TO PROVIDE ALL THE STIMULATION YOU NEED, says it’s an opportunity to give each other mutual attention and bond
✧ but will also provide you an outlet for just relaxing and unwinding
✧ will talk to you for hours and hours about your favorite shows/movies/books
✧ BINGES THEM WITH YOU
✧ always treating you to your favorite snacks/flavors and discovering new things for you to try that will match your taste/texture preferences (only the best for u 😌)
✧ curious about how stims make you feel and asks you to describe those sensations to him
✧ thinks it’s super cool when you can finish his sentences for him,,, cuz it’s like y’all on the same wavelength (you gellll)
✧ if anyone made you feel bad,,, o boy
✧ tendou would intimidate them to the point he would probably appear in their nightmares ffegjegk this is why you don’t fuck with this man or those who cares about
✧ king of spontaneity and asks if you’re down to do the most random things
✧ “let’s buy a trampoline”
✧ *2 am* “you down for some fries and dip? and by dip i mean m i l k s h a k e s”
✧ of course he’ll never suggest things he knows you would be uncomfortable with. never puts you in a stressful situation and always makes sure you’re enjoying yourself
✧ invites you everywhere and makes sure you feel included. always by your side!
✧ squeezes your hand whenever he can tell you’re feeling anxious
✧ if you feel anxious about trying new things, he’s there to encourage you! recounts all the positive aspects
✧ but if you’re really excited to try something, you bet he’ll match your excitement
✧ a very good listener. empathizes a lot with being misunderstood or seen as “different,” and is therefore a major source of comfort
✧ constantly showing you how to be yourself and that you shouldn’t feel ashamed about it, cuz that’s who he fell in love with
#haikyuu x reader#oikawa x reader#kuroo x reader#sugawara x reader#tendou x reader#oikawa tooru x reader#kuroo tetsuro x reader#sugawara koushi x reader#tendou satori x reader#haikyuu imagines#haikyuu headcanons#requests
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I love Soft Saturday/Sunday! :3 I remember you posted a selfship of yourself and I wanted to try one for me lol so, here goes! It was a bit hard/weird because I don't think any of these wonderful guys would be with me ^^U It was still fun to do though!
1.) Belle x Todoroki, Shouto (Bellouto? Shoutelle? Belloroki?)
- I'd probably be very distant with Todoroki at first because of his cold demeanor. It would have to be Midoriya who would get us together.
- We would end up sitting together at the same lunch table, chatting with our group of friends. Eventually our love for noodles would bring us closer. I would buy him some different types of cold soba or even show him unique recipes to try out. If I ever see anything soba related, I'd text him and say "Look! I thought of you! It's your fave ^^"
- Once he opens up about his past, I'd probably get teary eyed and give him a big hug. I'd thank him for trusting me enough with his childhood memories and I'd also eventually open up to him about my own hardships.
- I would give him all my love without smothering him. I'd just want to show him the love and care he deserves especially since he didn't have much of it growing up.
- I think it's the little things that might make Todoroki fall for me. Things like bringing him tea when he's studying late, if he fell asleep before setting up his alarm, I'd put one on his phone and on my own just to make sure he'd wake up on time, praising/acknowledging all of his big and small accomplishments, getting his favorite food when he's sad/had a rough day, sending him cute text messages like "Good morning, handsome!" or even doing something like this:
Me and Todoroki: *studying intensely*
Me: *gasps loudly* OMG
Todoroki: What? O_O
Me: I love you. (´,,•ω•,,)♡
🙈
2.) Belle x Miya, Atsumu (Bellumu? Biya? Atsubelle?)
- I'd have to have known him for a long time before we'd date. Kind of like childhood friends to lovers? If I met him at an older age, I might think he was a jerk and wouldn't want to go out with him.
- I wouldn't be afraid to call him out. Like when Atsumu is having his "if you can't hit my toss then you shouldn't be on the team" moment, I'd probably punch his arm and scold him.
- I'd have to turn it around and tell him "what if someone told you that?" or "treat others the way you want to be treated". I think he'd like that I don't treat him any different or baby him.
- Since we're childhood friends, we're already comfortable with each other. We've also seen, heard, and been through a lot together. We'd know silly small things about each other like "Atsumu always listens to this song right before a game" or "His right eye always twitches 3 times before he sneezes"
- He's seen me go through some relationships and has seen how I've acted/treated the person I'm dating. Atsumu would see that I put in a lot of effort and the stuff I'd do for my previous boyfriends. I think that would eventually make him want to ask me out. It'd be something that he might want to experience, too. Like how it would feel to hold my hand or share a loving embrace.
- When we'd get angry at each other, it could get a bit loud, but we would resolve things quickly.
- Our relationship would also be fun and full of silliness and lovely surprises. He'd do something like honk the horn right when I'm passing in front of his car to get to the passenger side. Atsumu would also surprise me with a gift that I've been eyeing or even a spontaneous trip to somewhere!
3.) Belle x Kageyama, Tobio (Bellayama? Tobelle? Kagelle?)
- We met at a mutual friend's party in college. We'd probably talk about how we were basically dragged there.
-I love to party/hang out, but when I have something to do/ a goal, I strive hard to accomplish it. (ugh, getting some PTSD from nursing school lol)
-We would end up talking about our ambitions and what we hope to end up doing in our lives. After becoming friends for a while, we'd get on the topic of relationships. We'd both want someone who is patient and understands that when we're busy, we're not ignoring them. We're studying/practicing.
-I think that is what convinces both of us to start a relationship.
-We're both busy and can get stressed out easily, but we'd know what to do to ease the stress a little. Like giving Kageyama different flavored milk cartons.
-It would look like we don't spend much time together/don't really act like a couple, but when we have free time, we'd be spending it with each other.
-We'd get our nails done together. （〃・ω・〃）
-We'd both have to think about how great it would be when we get settled with our careers and that we'd have more time to spend together. Planning future adventures/vacations is our motivation.
-Even though I'd miss Kageyama dearly, I totally understand how it feels like when you have other obligations. I'd never want to get in the way of his goal so I would do my best to support him and show my love in any way that I can and that would be something he might love about me.
First off, all three of these amazing boys would love you to pieces! You are so thoughtful and kind and they'd be foolish not to fall for you! I accept no arguments about this. 😊 This got way out of hand so... gonna put my rambling below a cut.
Send me some soft headcanons
Let's talk Todoroki! Gonna be honest... I don't know if I trust Midoriya to play cupid 😂 Of course, meeting Todoroki through him makes sense, but you know who zeros in on how cute you two look together immediately? Yes, it's Mina! Thankfully she's not obnoxious about it, but she does have your back. She expertly manipulates every situation to give you and Todoroki a chance to interact. Somehow, thanks to her, he always ends up sitting/standing right next to you in class, at lunch, in training, on the bus, on the sofa in the common room... EVERYWHERE.
Poor boy would be so confused at first by your attention. Like, of course he doesn't mind being your friend, but nobody else texts or talks to him about his interests outside of hero stuff. He didn't even know anyone noticed he liked soba that much. And all the little things you do for him like bringing him tea or setting an alarm, he's not used to it. He doesn't hate it though. Actually, he kind of likes it. And I just want you to prepare yourself for the day when he takes the initiative and your phones lights up with a message from him for the first time with a picture of some random thing that made him think of you. *my heart would explode*
It's all downhill after that because he really likes the way you respond when he reciprocates your kindness. The flustered look on your face when he brings you some of his sister's homemade soba noodles for lunch, the cute emojis you use in your texts when he messages you first in the morning, and the shy smile you give him when he finds the courage to compliment you. He's never wanted to take care of someone the way he wants to take care of you before.
ATSUMU. You're totally right. I'm the same as you in that I would not trust this little shit for a while after meeting him. Childhood friends to lovers is nice because you there's no way you wouldn't know the real Atsumu. The idea of you knowing little personal things about each other is so cute too. Atsumu takes advantage of this and always gives the best gifts for birthdays and holidays. And he's always so excited to watch you open what he got because he KNOWS you'll love it because he knows YOU.
I'd like to say that he'd be into the fact that you treat him normally like anyone else, but something tells me he would actually expect special treatment since you two are close friends. It would surprise him a little every time you reprimand him for being rude to his teammates or fighting with his brother. He respects you more than anyone else in his life though, so he always straightens up his act just as soon as you give him that look. He hates when you're angry or annoyed at him, so of course he'll be on his best behavior for you. Honestly, he'd do anything to get positive attention from you. (He's already such a simp for you and he doesn't even realize)
He thinks he's just being a protective friend when he criticizes all your previous boyfriends. None of them are even that terrible but in his eyes, nobody treats you the way you should be treated and nobody would ever be good enough. He puts you on a pedestal to be honest. And yes, once you're together it would be full of teasing and giggles and he would absolutely take it too far and overdo it sometimes and get himself into trouble, but it's okay because you know he never means to upset you. He's just so excited and in love with you.
Kageyama's turn. Oh my god! This boy would be so awkward at a college party. He'd probably just be all tall and weird standing in the corner like 😳 what's happening? Thank goodness for you, coming over to talk to him ... but wait... you're so cute... WHY are you talking to him? Now he's flustered for a different reason and he tries his best to have a normal casual conversation with you but he stumbles over his words a bit but bless your heart, you pretend not to notice and continue smiling at him. He thinks you are SO PRETTY!! omg😭
A huge weight lifts off his chest when you start talking about your goals. He knows about goals. That's easy. The look on his face is kind of scary at first because it looks like he's scowling, but he is just listening very intently to you and absorbing every single word. He almost seems like a different person when you let him talk to you about volleyball. His whole face lights up and he's talking very enthusiastically with his hands. He apologizes for ranting at you afterwards, but is also amazed that you'd stayed and let him talk so long.
Being around you IS a huge stress relief. At first he's worried about not spending enough time with you or making you think he's not interested because of his awkward mannerisms. But you're always super understanding and patient with him. Plus, you're just as busy working towards your own dreams. He supports you as much as he can just as you do for him and falling into a relationship is just really easy and natural for the two of you.
Kageyama doesn't really know how to do big extravagant dates, so just being able to take walks with you, or do activities like doing your nails together is enough to make him happy. He WANTS to do more for you though. He would never admit to this, but he actually has a small list of things he plans to do once you both have more time. He pays attention to what you might even consider silly throwaway comments like "One day we should...." or "Sometime I'd like to...." He writes it all down because even if they aren't career goals, those are still things you want which makes them very important to him.
#belle💖#best moot squad#sorry I kinda... went crazy with this#Shoto Todoroki#Atsumu Miya#Tobio Kageyama
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ship your moots with nct ot21?
[Langga anon and 💛anonie, you're here too!!]
Oh dear anon, prepare for a long ass post! It took me almost a day to match my moots with NCT and I'm rambling most of the time. Forgive me :<
Also, forgive me if I forget you! That doesn't mean I love you less, I promise. I may or may not do a part two so that I can fit every people who are dear to me.
[Disclaimer: This is only just for fun and is purely based on my feeling and what I perceive that member would be. All of my ramblings are hypothetical uWu.]
Taeil - @moondustaeil The talent these two people have istg, making them a power couple oh my. Ambs, the sweetest human being who just rolled with my crazy ass. Idk but I can't imagine any mutual who would be great with this man other than you. He respects and adores you like a captain respects the sea (it's a quote i found online, i forgot where but yus, credits to that quote)
Johnny - @espresseo-cafe Warm, these two people are just so warm and I feel like Jai and Johnny have a mature relationship. I can totally see both of you just talking about life in general at like 2 in the morning over a cup of coffee just because. I can totally see you catching up with Johnny’s playful banter. Ahhhhh, you both feel like home in general <3
Taeyong - @badwithten uwu my precious bean! I ship you with Yongie. The both of you are great with reaching out to people. With that being said, it's nice for him to have someone who can read his emotions without saying it out loud. He may get too busy thinking for the greater good of other people that sometimes make him neglect himself.
Yuta - @lucas-wongs and @lattaeswirl The very talented dancers NSKSKS. I may or may not stalked you both hihi. A couple who dances uGH! I love the fact that you embrace your individuality and you're your own person. You're also independent, making me ship Yuta with you.
Kun - @mooneylooney1 My lovely Sarah who radiates great mom energy. I mean, you’re caring and responsible and just full of love. I ship you with Kun! I do believe that he’s going to take very good care of you. It’s high time that you would be taken care of. You basically bring the best of each other, having room for self-improvement as you grow together. The both of you would make a great pair! As for @sunshine-jaehyun , I can imagine the both of you adopting some cats ùwú The both of you would be the perfect person to look out for each other. You wouldn't baby tf out of each other that much. I def think that Kun wants the both of you to grow together. He's someone dedicated and consistent all throughout and he expects you to be too (I'm sure you are you soft bby! I love your eyes!!)
Doyoung - @emvrd and @cupofjae two lovely ate’s, hello! I could talk to the both of you all day tbh. You’ve always looked out for me ever since. Thank you for that :< Okay, enough with the kadramahan ehehe, I ship the both of you with our little bunny prince. Doei has a different way of showing people his love and affection and I feel like the both of you will be very mature and chill when it comes to it. Sure he may tease and play around but he’s def a sensible and a reliable person all in all. Taeyong once said to Doei, “Doyoung-ah, control your face. It’s just a game.” and I feel like you guys will also remind him of that from time to time lmao KSKSK.
Ten - @scissorhands1617 Both of you had a bad bitch with a dash of punk energy HAHAAH but in reality, is the biggest simp out there. You're def someone who can keep up with Ten who's a bit hard to read. You're also open minded and easy to talk to. It's Ten for you and will always be Ten! Sometimes I see him in you nsksks.
Jaehyun - @jae-canikeepyou Ahhh, I can imagine you spending the whole day together, the both of you doing your own thing with some faint old love song playing in the background. No talking, just comfortable silence. I mean, it’ll be nice to have someone who totally understands you and connects with you on a deeper level. Jaehyun’s def the shy type to the point that he’ll come off as awkward. But because of your patient nature, he’ll be much at ease, knowing that there’s no pressure. He loves handwritten letters and I know that you’re the type of person to give him love letters uwu.
Winwin - @jinxouls Ngoc I ship you with Winwin! You can be goofy with each other as well as be serious and be on their A-game when there's a need for it. I feel like the both of you will hit off right away. I only trust winwin when it comes to you nDGSHSH.
Jungwoo - @eyypeach Actual sweethearts, what a good combo! It's nice for Jungwoo to have someone as sentimental as him and would need . I immediately think of you right away! The fact that you can empathize well with people makes the both of you a great pair. He'll make you happy and you'll make him too as well uwu
Lucas - @neowrld Let's be real here, your whole family will love this big fella! I feel like he'll be interested to know your culture just because he wants to know you better. Istg, he'll be extra af, even learning your mother tongue just because. Xuxi may come of as goofy and funny but I can feel like he needs someone to hold him close as he becomes vulnerable at the end of the day. I can see you being that person. @neocitybynight hey sunny, i think you and xuxi will look cute together uwu you love checking up on people and you just have too much love to give the world uwu uwu and I think Xuxi would love that. That big baby needs the love and care there is in this world :">
Mark - @suhpressed and @celestialchans I would never not stop saying this but the both of you never fail to amaze me. I do believe that both of you are doing your best to become better at your craft. You're hardworking and talented, just like Mark which makes you a good couple since the both of you are passionate with each of your own craft. You push and inspire each other and I think that's beautiful.
Xiaojun - @legendnct Hannah, why do I feel like you’re a very busy person? Like you have a lot of things on your plate and stressed because of college/burnt out from time to time. Xiaojun’s the type of guy who massages your shoulder or temples whenever he senses that you need a break. He’ll give you the space that you want whenever you’re doing uni stuff, probably in the same room as you just letting you study and placing your fave snacks and drinks beside you to remind you to take a break sometimes. He’s clingy when he wants to but respecting you is his number 1 priority.
Hendery - @smolchenle The vibes man ndksjdks (Sabog and sabay, kaloka lmAO) Wouldn’t mind doing the stupidest thing with you . There would be no dull moments together, istg. You’re basically each other’s happy pill aweeee. Oooh hahaha, I can totally imagine you having a disgusted “wtf, dude,” on your face whenever he does something funny only to follow his lead a couple of seconds later. Aside from that, he’s very touchy and affectionate (I mean, have you seen him with his cats? Sana all cat NDKKSKSK Oh wait, sana all Camille yieee!)
Renjun - @jae-ffrey Zen, you’re a year older than me but wow, you are wise and sensible. You’re a great listener as well and I feel like Renjun would enjoy your company. He’s very open minded and isn’t afraid to have fun from time to time, making you complement each other.
Jeno - @nzeeten My cute babies! I want to keep you both in my pocket ugh. Tbh, I get a strong independent woman vibe from you but at the same time, a very huge softie inside. I feel like Jeno’s the type of boyfriend who’s low maintenance in a sense that he won’t be that much needy for attention. It’s like you do you, I do me but it’s nice to know that at the end of the day, you have each other’s arms to come home to. I can imagine how smol you look wearing Jeno’s jacket ahhhh domestic!Jeno + sweet baby Allie is just to pure and soft for this world
Haechan - @bumblebeenct Mimi! My sweet sweet Mimi who always checks up on me and is a literal walking ball of sunshine. Wait, two suns together? Wouldn’t that be a disaster? I like to believe that your patient and motherly side can keep up with that little rascal. You’re also someone he can have fun with, I am sure of that.
Jaemin - @4-sun Jaemin better take good care of you or else! You’re laidback and composed (like Jeno nHSSK) and I can definitely see him taking you out on a photowalk, just walking in your city without any plans and taking photos of different views (expect him to snap a photo of you from time to time uwu) and going to a café after. Also, you’re very generous when it comes to compliments. I can see Jaemin as someone who absolutely loves those things.
Yangyang - @lovelyvitamin The amount of crackhead energy that you two have sends nKSKSKSK. I want you to have someone who understands your amazing humor and listens to your weird and out of the blue stories. Yangyang’s there to top your crazy stories with his and would do everything in his power to make you feel loved, appreciated and happy-- even going an extra mile. You make each other happy and I live for that thought itself!
Chenle - @imaginedreamies I feel like Chenle is going to baby tf out of you plus treats you like a queen, don’t @ me. You push each other to be better versions of yourselves. Like Chenle, I feel like you’re much more of a giver than a taker. It’ll be nice for Chenle to feel the love he gives to other people.
Jisung - Langga anon! (I lost ur acc huhuhu) Ahhhhh, my two kiddos. I ship you with him bc I highkey imagine the both of you having a cute puppy love romance. Ya know, just being subtle with each other when it comes to expressing your love and affection. Missed u baby!
#yang answers#anonie#i lOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF U NDKSKS#will head to bed#my eyes are hurtin#love me back plz
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My Juliet - PBB 2020
Hello and welcome to my fic for the PBB this year. I took inspiration from reading Romeo and Juliet to create this story. I’ll be forever grateful for ilikestopwatches who helped me so much with this fic. I’d also like to thank Divy for making some amazing art to go along with my fic.
ao3 link
Dan was growing tired of following the lively man in front of him. He had a mop of brown curls resting on his head and green eyes that were framed by a lopsided pair of glasses. They’d already covered the dressing rooms, prop room, and wardrobe, and he was starting to sweat from the beating sun. “Ah here we are, sir,” the man, PJ called out, “the stage.”
Dan gasped in disbelief. He’d never been to the Globe Theatre before, and to see the stage he would be performing on in person was thrilling. The woodwork was intricate, and the stage was strong under his feet. “It’s amazing,” he cheered.
“It surely is a beautiful feat of architecture.”
At the end of the stage, people were spread out busying themselves with their scripts, but one person in particular caught his eye. The man had
brown hair with the slightest tint of red and sparkling blue eyes that were framed by a simple pair of glasses. He looked to be in his early thirties, and he was currently staring intensely at the paper in front of him. “Who’s that?” Dan asked PJ.
PJ gave him a look of confusion. “That’s Philip Lester. He’s the author of the play.”
“Oh I’ve heard of him. He’s one of my biggest inspirations, but I’ve never seen him before.”
PJ nodded curtly and clapped his hands together. Everyone looked towards them and Dan’s cheeks flushed at the attention. “This is Daniel Howell, everyone. He will be playing the lovely Juliet. Please give him a warm welcome.”
With that, PJ started walking towards Phil which left Dan awkwardly standing alone on the stage before someone waved him over. He walked over carefully, wary of breaking something if he stepped too hard or breathed too loud. The man who had waved him over was even taller than Dan, which was a surprising feat since Dan was almost 6 feet tall, and had a shock of red hair framing his face. “My name is Christopher, but you can call me Kit. I’ll be playing the charming Romeo,” the redhead said.
“Um it’s nice to meet you. I’m Daniel but you can call me Dan,” he said, shaking his hand.
“Would you like to practise with me?” Kit asked. “We have a lot of lines together.”
Dan laughed. “I suppose I can make some time to practise with you.”
—
Dan had spent a good hour going over the script with Kit, and he had to admit that the story was brilliant. He could tell the play would be a huge hit with the plot twists and romantic storyline. He wasn’t totally surprised though because Lester’s plays always seemed to amaze him. Speaking of Philip Lester, he was currently perched on a seat in the highest viewing room and yelling at Kit.
“No. No. No. You’re doing it all wrong, Kit,” Philip sighed. “You sound too happy about your recent breakup. The whole point of this scene is to show Romeo’s impulsive behavior. You must be saddened by the loss of your relationship.”
“Ok,” Kit said. He cleared his throat and tried again. “Alas, that love, whose view is muffled still, should, without eyes, see pathways to his will!”
“That’s better, but I still feel like I am watching someone recite lines not mope about their lost love. You must practise this scene. Now, go on and take a break.”
“Yes, Sir,” Kit replied before walking over to the water where Dan was.
“I promise you he’s not always like this,” Kit stated after seeing the worry in Dan’s eyes. “I was an understudy for one of his other shows. He has a soft side, but it takes him some time to de-stress.”
Dan nodded. “I understand.”
Although he tried to play it off as a causal concern, Dan was worried he’d be cut from the show if he didn’t meet Philip’s expectations the first time around. He wasn’t a big name and it was a miracle for him to have a lead part in a Lester original. He needed this role to launch his career.
Pursuing his dream of acting was a huge risk, and his parents were doubtful of him. They were expecting him to earn money and to start a family in the near future and didn’t believe he could do that by playing dress up on a stage, and Dan needed to prove them wrong.
“What’s going through your mind,” Kit said, interrupting his thoughts.
“This is my first major role, and I don’t want to disappoint anyone,” Dan stated.
“I’m sure you have what it takes,” Kit encouraged. “After all, Philip does most of the scouting for his plays so the chances he picked you himself are high.”
Dan felt slightly reassured by that fact but also intimidated by the idea that Philip had seen him perform before. It had taken him a while to perfect his character and he didn’t want to seem incapable. He just had to hope for the best.
——
It was time for Dan to get on stage and to say he was nervous was an understatement. The actors who were playing the nurse and Lady Capulet seemed nice enough, and had some experience acting.
Philip seemed pleased enough with their performance and only commented on a few minor things throughout the run of the show. When they were done with their scene, Dan was pulled aside by a woman named Louise who needed to take his measurements and have him try on a few pieces of clothing. She led him through the halls of the theatre and into a room that was filled to the brim with various costumes and fabrics.
“I’m sorry it’s such a mess, dear. I’ve been a bit busy these days,” she hummed. “Can you step up onto that stool.”
She had long blonde hair and bags under her eyes. She looked exhausted and Dan wondered how many hours she spent at the theatre a day.
He stepped on the platform and she started measuring him with the tape measure that had been hanging on her shoulders. “You’re very nicely built, but I don’t think I have any previous outfits that would fit you. It’s a shame I’ll have to start this one from scratch,” she sighed. “Now to pick a colour!”
Her excitement was cut short by a knock on the door. “Mrs Pentland, may I come in?” A rough voice sounded from outside the door. Dan recognised the owner to be Philip and started to panic.
“Calm down, now,” she whispered to Dan before directing her answer to Philip. “Yes, come in sir.”
Philip let himself in and looked at Dan with a scrutinising gaze. “I was unaware you had company.”
“It’s no big deal, sir. Daniel and I were just deciding which colour dress he’d be wearing.”
“Ah, I believe you’ll make the right decision,” he said with a nod. He turned to Dan and stuck out his hand. “I’m sorry I haven’t introduced myself yet. I’m Philip Lester the director and writer of this play, but you can call me Phil.”
Dan took his hand timidly and shook it. “My name is Daniel Howell, sir. I prefer Dan though.”
“Yes, my Juliet,” Phil stated, making Dan blush. “What got you into acting?”
“Ah, I've always been a fan of the art. My parents took me to a show when I was younger and it’s been my dream to star in one since then.”
“Sounds similar to how I got into theatre although I’m much too shy to be a performer. I’ve always had a knack for writing though. I guess it all worked out in the end.”
“Of course, sir. Someone with as much talent as you is destined to be famous.”
“Can I ask you why you choose to portray women? I know it’s an essential job within the theatre but I rarely meet men who are excited to portray the role,” Phil said, deflecting Dan’s comment.
“I’ve always enjoyed trying on my mother’s dresses and messing around with her makeup. It seems a bit odd, but I like to take advantage of it.”
“I don’t think it’s odd at all,” Phil said with a twinkle in his eye. “I personally believe normalness leads to sadness. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to get back before PJ does anything rash with the scene. I’ll see you on stage, Dan.”
He nodded to Louise and shut the door behind himself on his way out. “See, he isn’t as intimidating as he seems,” Louise chuckled, “Now which colour should we go for?”
——
Dan walked out of the room with a smile on his face and a little more confident now that he could imagine the dress he’d be wearing. He wondered if it’d be made of the same itchy material that the ones for his last production were. He would have liked to imagine that the dress would be made of silk but he didn’t know how much they put towards costumes here.
He was stuck in his own fantasy world when he bumped into someone. He immediately bent down to collect his things with a muttered sorry. A hand touched his and he looked up to see Phil staring back at him curiously. “You’re still here? It’s getting pretty late.”
Dan blushed. “Louise and I got caught up talking about the costumes.”
“Oh, do you have experience too?" Phil asked, handing Dan the things he had picked up.
They both stood up and started walking towards the entrance. They weren’t going nearly as fast as they could have, almost like they had mutually decided that they wanted to prolong their conversation.
“I’ve sewn some clothes before but besides that I don’t have any experience. It’s always been an interest of mine.”
Phil nodded. “I’m sure Louise appreciates the company. I worry she gets lonely sometimes.”
“She sounds like she’s important to you,” Dan hums.
“Ah, she’s a family friend, nothing more. She’s already happily married with two kids. I’m afraid our parents would force us to marry if she wasn’t.”
“Oh, so you're single?”
“Yes. I’ve always been dedicated to my work, and it leaves me little time to meet people. Besides, the women my parents set me up with are unbearable. I assume you’ve got someone. You’re young and handsome after all.”
“No, it’s just me,” Dan answered. If he was being honest, he’d never met a woman he was interested in. He found men more intriguing but he would never admit that. He would eventually be married off, and it was for the best. That was just how it was.
“Oh,” Phil stated, “I thought you’d have women lining up to marry you.”
“My family isn’t the best off,” Dan admitted. “My father owns a small shop but that’s our main source of income right now. I hope to change that with this job. After all, my brother is going to university soon.”
“Ah, university. Those were some of the best years of my life. I miss my professors sometimes. They were always my biggest supporters,” Phil mused.
“That sounds charming. I never got to go, not that I really wanted to anyways.”
“That’s interesting. You took a big risk, unless you have some sort of craft you’ve perfected.”
“My only skills are in business, and I don’t have anywhere near enough money to run my own. Besides, I’m happy with my job right now. I’ve already met some nice people.”
“The cast and crew are exceptionally kind though they can get rowdy, especially when they’re under the influence of alcohol.”
“A lot of men are,” Dan agreed.
They were nearing the main doors, and Dan was surprisingly disappointed for their conversation to end. Phil didn’t bore him to death like the others he’d conversed with, and they actually had a solid conversation.
Dan yawned, startling himself back into reality. “You should head home,” Phil stated. “I hope it’s not too long of a walk to your house. It is quite cold and I can’t have my Juliet getting sick.”
“I’ll make sure to bundle up,” he assured the older man. “Goodnight.”
“Goodnight, Dan.”
——
Dan had been standing in the same spot for the past twenty minutes, and even though he was supposed to pretend that he was chatting with others, he was watching Phil direct Kit and the others around the stage.
Phil looked nothing like the shy, nervous version of himself that Dan’d met. On this stage, Phil looked like he was in his element. His voice was firm, and he commanded the attention of the actors around him.
Everyone was starting to look tired, as they were four hours into practice, and people weren’t putting as much effort into their lines. Phil was clearly starting to get annoyed, as his jaw was clenched and his unoccupied hand formed a fist.
He watched as PJ walked his way and waved him over. “What’s wrong, Dan?” PJ said. The exhaustion was clear in his voice, and he glared at Dan. Dan didn’t take offense, because if he was directing a play he’d probably be glaring daggers at everyone too.
“Phil seems to be getting angry, and everyone is exhausted. Do you think we could take a break? Just for everyone to relax a bit,” Dan pleaded.
“I think that’s a wonderful idea, but I’ve got to see what Phil says.”
“Can you go ask him now?”
PJ nodded and walked over to where Phil was directed and pulled him aside. Dan watched as they interacted, and Phil’s jaw slowly relaxed. He nodded and called out for everyone to take a break.
Dan exited the stage and grabbed his water. It was nearing summer, and it was almost unbearable to work out in the heat. The canopy above the stage blocked out the harsh sun, but the humidity still hung in the air.
“Thanks for saving me.” Dan jumped and looked over to see Phil looking at him with a grin on his face.
“You looked like you were about to murder someone,” Dan stated.
“I might have if you hadn’t asked for a break. I don’t know how difficult it is to stay in a straight line, but the torchbearers could not stay behind each other. We all know that movement causes the audience to get distracted.”
Dan hummed in agreement. “It takes a lot of power not to fidget, but if they’ve been in previous productions then they should know better.”
“Well enough about them. What did you do after practice yesterday?” Phil asked.
“Ah, I just went home and practised my lines. I’ve found that there aren’t many things to do on the weekdays,” Dan explained.
“How about you and I go to the archery range? I try to practise from time to time, but I'm afraid I'm becoming a bit rusty,” Phil suggested.
“I’m not sure. I’ve barely touched my bow since I finished learning how to shoot,” Dan stated.
“Perfect!” Phil exclaimed. “That means we can be horrible together. Now what's your address? I would feel awful if I didn’t give you a ride.”
Dan was still unsure about going to the range with Phil. If he was being honest, he became quite fond of the eccentric playwright and he wasn’t sure if he could risk it. Phil was clearly not interested in men. It was a sin after all. Dan needed to put a stop to his growing crush on Phil, but he couldn't resist the pleading eyes the other man was sending his way. Sighing in defeat, Dan muttered his address to Phil and, with their plans arranged, Phil skipped off with a grin on his face.
____
When Phil had said he would give Dan a ride, Dan had been expecting a carriage, seeing as he was a famous playwright and could afford one. Instead, he was met with Phil and a single horse. He blinked at the scene in front of him, wondering if he was seeing things properly. There was no way Phil expected him to walk. After all, Phil had specifically offered him a ride.
Dan looked up at Phil with a blank expression and realised the man was talking, “much farther away from the theatre than you. Dan are you listening?”
“Yes, yes, of course.”
“Are you okay? You look a bit dazed.”
“I’m just wondering how I’m getting to the range,” Dan stated.
“Oh, you’ll have to ride behind me. You see my brother is borrowing Dante today so this is our only option,” Phil stated. “Unless you want to walk of course.”
Dan knew that Phil had meant the last part as a joke but he seriously considered it. He didn’t know how well he could handle being so close to Phil, especially with his crush on him. He decided that he couldn’t walk seeing as they were in a crowded city which meant the next range was more than a few miles away. “How do I get on then?” Dan stated as confidently as he could.
“Just stick your foot in the stirrup and hoist yourself up.”
Dan followed his instructions, and got up onto the horse. He tried to distance himself from Phil but it caught the attention of the other man. “What are you doing? You’ll fall off if you don’t hold on,” Phil laughed.
“Sorry,” Dan muttered, putting his arms around Phil’s middle.
Phil dug his heel into the horse’s side and it took off down the streets. Dan gripped onto Phil tighter, and watched as the scenery passed by them. He’d only ridden a horse once when he was younger, so to be high on top of one was quite intimidating. “Are you scared?” Phil shouted back.
“No.”
“Ok, Dan, I believe you, but can you let go a bit? You’re suffocating me.”
Dan blushed in embarrassment, loosening his grip. He didn’t mean to hold on so tight, but the speed of the horse had startled him. “Sorry.”
The rest of their ride proceeded with much less awkwardness, and a comfortable silence encompassed them.
When they arrived at the range there were very few people. It shouldn’t have surprised Dan seeing as it was the middle of the day and most men were at work. They went to find a target to practice on and finally settled on one that was positioned on the outskirts of the range.
Dan watched as Phil set his quiver of arrows down in the grass and fiddled with his bow. “Who’s going first?” Phil asked.
“Definitely you,” Dan answered.
“You’re really going to make me embarrass myself first?”
“I don’t want to be the first one to embarrass themselves.”
“Very well then.”
Phil picked up an arrow and positioned himself in front of the target. He stood for a moment, aiming to the best of his ability, and then he let go. The arrow whizzed across the range and hit the innermost white ring. “I thought you were out of practice!” Dan groaned.
Phil smiled. “I promise it’s just luck. Now it’s your turn.”
Phil stepped away and Dan took his place. He picked a bow out of his quiver and aimed at the target. His hands were shaking, and his pulse was racing so he knew he was going to do horribly. He didn’t want to embarrass himself in front of Phil though, so he took a deep breath and hoped for the best before letting the arrow fly. When Dan looked up he saw the arrow lodged into the outermost ring.
Phil chuckled behind him and Dan spun around at him. “You can’t make fun of me. Unlike you, I was telling the truth when I said I was out of practice,” Dan huffed.
“What? Do you need a quick lesson from the master?” Phil cooed.
“I suppose I could use one,” Dan muttered.
When Dan agreed, he thought Phil would show him how to aim and shoot, but instead Phil came up behind him and handed Dan an arrow. He fit his hands over Dan’s and positioned the bow correctly.
Phil’s hands were slightly cold but his body radiated a comforting heat, and Dan felt warmer just from standing by the other man. Dan's heart was beating rapidly and he couldn’t stop thinking about how compromising the position that they were in was.
“Let go,” Phil whispered, breaking him from his thoughts.
Dan let go of the arrow and watched as the arrow launched into the innermost black ring. “See you've got it,” Phil muttered.
Suddenly realising they were still together, Dan blushed and pulled away to face Phil. “I’m still not as good as you are. Besides you did most of the work that time,” Dan huffed.
Phil grinned, “You’ll just have to keep practising.”
Phil picked up his bow again and quickly aimed the arrow at the target. Dan watched as it flew and hit into the yellow circle at the centre of the target. “Bullseye!” Phil exclaimed.
Dan rolled his eyes. His competitive side was finally coming out. “Ok, Philip. Let’s play ten rounds and whoever gets the most points wins.”
“What does the winner get?”
“I suppose the winner can pick a punishment for the loser.”
“It’s on then.”
——
Dan ended up winning. He was surprised he’d beaten Phil and his years of experience, but when he thought about it, Phil had given Dan a lot of tips during their match. Phil had definitely let him win. “Did you let me win?” Dan scoffed.
“Of course not, Daniel. You won fair and square,” Phil laughed. “You just have to believe in yourself.”
Dan still didn’t believe him, but he wasn’t going to question Phil anymore. “Now, since you’ve won, you have to pick a punishment for me.”
Dan thought about it for a second until his stomach grumbled. He assumed Phil could afford much better food than the stale biscuits and bitter coffee Dan had based his diet on. “I suppose you can buy me dinner. I am quite hungry,” Dan suggested.
“That’s not much of a punishment,” Phil commented
“No, but I’m starving right now so I’ll let it slide,” Dan hummed.
“Alright, I suppose I can treat you to dinner. Is there any specific place you’d like to go?” Phil stated, picking up his quiver.
“No, it’s your choice. I don’t eat out much,” Dan said following the other’s lead.
“Ah, are you a chef?”
“I wouldn’t say that, but I can cook a few meals.”
They walked back to their horse where Phil had put her in a stall. Phil led her out and gave her a few sugar cubes before using the stirrups to pull himself up on the horse. Dan followed suit and they were off again, heading back to the city.
——
Dan didn’t think Phil would take him somewhere fancy but, to his surprise, Phil did. There was a musician playing the piano softly on the stage with tables surrounding the raised platform. Candles decorated each table and customers sat in sharp suits and flowing dresses. “I don’t think we’re dressed well enough for this,” Dan whispered to Phil.
“Sure we are,” Phil stated. “Most of these people are on first dates anyway. They want to make a good impression.”
Dan blushed at the thought of it being a date. Sure he might have had a tiny crush on Phil, but nothing would come of that. Maybe if they were born in a more accepting time but in their day it wasn’t going to be accepted anytime soon.
“Right this way, sirs,” a waiter spoke.
Dan followed the man around the outskirts of the table and watched as they sat the menus down at a table. It was a bit secluded from the rest of the tables, and Dan instantly sighed in relief.
Phil sat across from him and picked up one of the menus so Dan copied him. The writing was riddled with flourishes and Dan couldn’t read it very well. His face heated up. He’d had an education, but it wasn’t one of the best. His parents couldn’t afford to send him off to a fancy private school like the other boys his age.
“What do you recommend?” Dan asked Phil.
“I usually get the chicken, but the lamb is also quite good.”
Dan nodded. “Lamb sounds nice.”
“Yes, the chefs here make the best in the city.”
They sat in a comfortable silence, enjoying each other’s company and the soft melody from the piano, until the waiter came back. They placed their orders and at the end Phil spoke up. “Do you drink?”
“Occasionally,” Dan remarked, “but if you're drinking, I’ll drink with you.”
Phil nodded. “We’ll have two glasses of your best wine then.”
——
They might have had more than just a glass each, and maybe Dan was having a hard time controlling his stupid limbs, but that wasn’t anyone else's business was it? He was using all of his energy not to trip, but it was bound to happen. He never drank so he wasn’t surprised that he was such a lightweight. He didn’t regret it though. He’d had a wonderful night, and it was nice to be free from his nerves for once.
Unlike Dan, Phil wasn’t drunk. At least he didn’t seem to be. He’d had a glass more than Dan but he was perfectly composed and Dan wasn’t sure if it was impressive or not.
Phil was leading him out of the restaurant with his hand clasped firmly onto Dan’s shoulder. They made their way to where the horse was being kept in a small set of stables behind the building. A nice man led the horse out, and Dan looked at it warily. “Do you think you can get up?” Phil asked.
Dan's face flushed red. He definitely could not climb the horse drunk. After all, he could barely climb it sober. “If you can't, don’t attempt it. I need my Juliet to have fully functioning limbs for the play.”
“Then I guess I won’t be getting on the horse,” Dan muttered.
“We can walk then,” Phil stated.
“No that isn’t fair. I can walk home from here and you can ride back to your house.”
“You’re far too drunk to walk home alone. You’d definitely get robbed. I’ll walk you home.”
“What about the horse?”
“She’ll follow us.”
Dan nodded and followed Phil down the road. They were only a few blocks from his house so it wouldn’t take long for them to get there, but Dan still felt guilty for making Phil walk.
They chatted about the play, their holiday plans, and a variety of other things. Dan learned more about Phil’s family which was made up of his mother, father, and his brother, Martyn, as well as his sister in law, Cornelia. Phil seemed to have a strong bond with his family, and, unlike Dan’s parents, his seemed to be supportive of his career.
After around ten minutes they finally stopped in front of Dan’s door. Dan blushed thinking about the times he’d been in this position with the girls he’d courted. He remembered his manners and thanked Phil. “Dinner was delicious. I hope we can hang out again sometime soon.”
“It was my pleasure. After all, I lost our bet.”
“I still don’t understand how that happened,” Dan laughed.
“I told you I was a bit rusty.”
“Yes but your first few shots were amazing.”
Phil shrugged. “I guess it was luck.”
There was a lapse in conversation then, and Dan wasn’t intent on leaving Phil just yet. He must have been more drunk than he originally thought because the next thing he knew he was kissing Phil.
Dan pulled away quickly when he realised what he was doing. He was blushing fiercely and he was internally groaning at his stupidity. He’d risked both of their safety and made a fool of himself. He was likely going to get cut from the cast if not worse.
“I’m going to go in now,” Dan muttered. “Goodbye.”
Dan rushed inside and slammed the door leaving Phil to stare blankly at the spot where Dan had disappeared from.
——
When Dad woke up the next morning he had an awful hangover and an even worse memory of the night before. He didn’t feel like getting himself out of bed but he somehow managed to get himself up. He dragged himself to his wardrobe and threw some clothing on before leaving the house and walking to the coffee place he frequented.
When he stepped in the door he immediately shrank into himself. Sitting at one of the tables was Phil with a newspaper in his hand and a cup of coffee in front of him.
Dan almost snuck out of the coffee shop successfully but then Phil made eye contact with him. Dan had no choice but to stay at the shop. He hoped if he acted normal then Phil would forget everything that happened.
He walked toward the counter and ordered a coffee. When it was done he sat at his normal table in the corner of the room. For a few minutes, Dan watched the people passing outside before he heard a chair scrape across from him. “Morning,” Phil stated, sitting down across from Dan.
“Good morning,” Dan muttered.
“Would you like to talk about last night?”
Dan stared at Phil in surprise. He didn’t think Phil was a very blunt person but he guessed there was no beating around the bush when it came to the kiss.
“I want to apologise-" Dan started.
“No I’m not mad.”
“What?”
“I thought you would catch on eventually but I guess you didn’t.”
“What are you saying?”
“I like you Dan. I know it’s wrong but I don’t think you’re going to judge me.”
“I wasn’t expecting this.”
“You are a bit dense.”
“I am not.”
“Ok, Daniel.”
“Can I ask what made you wait?”
“I had to make sure you weren’t a homophobe. After all, we don’t live in the most accepting age.”
Dan nodded. He wasn’t surprised that Phil was hesitant because of the world they lived in. Honestly, this was a fairy tale come true, but then again, there would never be a fairy tale about two men.
“What do you want to do then?” Dan asked.
“Well I think I’d like to take you on a date.”
“Really?”
“Of course.”
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