#Chad is trying to get the VKs drunk for some reason | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

hitchell-mope · 4 years

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(Film three. In Auradon. Bal’s apartments in the castle. After “best day of my life”. Mal’s in a pair of Ben’s boxer shorts and a doctor who T-shirt. Standing there)

Ben (looping his arms around her waist): hey

Mal: hey. How are you?

Ben: good. Good. And you

Mal: oh so much better now (she turns around) and is this all for me?

Ben: mmmmmmaybe?

Mal: well I greatly appreciate it whoa

(She’s turned around to get a better look at him. He’s, just like her. In boxers. Longish purple hair. And literally nothing else)

Mal: oooh I’m feeling very matchy matchy and very much mismatched

Ben: well there are two ways of remedying that. I could put a top on. OR. I could lock the door and soundproof the room and

Mal: lock the door I’ll soundproof

Ben (very happy): okay

Mal: oh my god!

(Under Ben’s shoulder blades are two jagged cuts from which are growing beating miniature mounds of flesh in a dark blue colour)

Ben: what’s wrong?

Mal: your back!

Ben: what! What is it. What’s wrong?

Mal: I. I. II don’t. Know. It looks like somethings growing out of your back

Doug (walking in briskly with Evie right begins): it’s probably dragon wings. The ember sped up the process I think

Mal: and how do you know that?

Doug: Hierachy And History: all levels of magic and their effects and uses. First edition illustrated.

Bal: can I?

Doug: yes you can borrow it. Hell. Keep it. I’ve got plenty

Mal: how do you know all this?

Doug: I uh bought literally every book about magic when you brought it back. Physical copies and on kindle

Mal: ohhhh. For a minute I thought you were mansplaining to us.

Evie: he’s not chad. He actually knows things. And why the hell aren’t you dressed?

Mal: well sis. We almost died a couple of hours ago so Ben and I were about to engage in a bit of glad to be alive

Evie: eww shut up

Mal: oh like you and Doug haven’t

Evie: that’s besides the point.

Mal: why are you here?

Evie: why do you think. Ben put a top on or something

Bal: no

Ben: I’m comfortable

Mal: I’m relaxed when he’s like this

(Evie sighs and looks defeated)

Doug: so what’s the plan

Mal: yeah about that. I’ve been thinking and I think I’ve connected the dots

Doug: oh?

Mal: yeah and it’s got to do with you and I sis

Evie (horrified): no

Mal: yah

Evie: no

Mal: yeah

Evie: nonono

Mal: yesyesyes

Evie: NO!

Mal: yes! Face it E we might be related

The boys: what?

Mal: think about it. Our mothers are the most self centred vainglorious batshit crazy bitches that side of the river Tiber. They would want the most powerful. Chernabog is a recluse and an altruist. The headless horseman has no mouth so can’t sing their praises. So all that’s left is the god of the dead

Evie: but I’m beautiful

Mal: and what am I. Corned beef?

Ben: I’d still marry you if you were corned beef if that helps

Mal: it does help surprisingly

Evie: but didn’t Maleficent say your dad was human?

Mal: villains lie E. That’s why I was always a disappointment

(Ben hugs her)

Adam (sauntering in like he owns the place): well isn’t that sweet.

Evie: what the hell are you doing here?

Adam: I’ve come to discuss the appalling situation that you let happen.

Mal: I’m sorry?

Adam: so you should be. Ben I have a plan. Put them all back and close it permanently

Doug: what

Adam: go back to the mine. It’s where you belong dwarf

Ben: ok you get out.

Adam: what?

Ben: you heard me. You’re not king. And you have no control over me my actions or my friends. So please. Get out

Adam: fine. But you should at least hear what happening since you had to have him save you

Doug: my names Doug but go on.

Adam: the people are in a panic. They’re terrified. If hades can escape others will try to. If you ask me

Bal and Devie: we didn’t

Adam: if you ask me I personally think it’s high time you do away with this ridiculous endeavour once and for all

Ben: no.

Adam: I wasn’t talking to you boy. I was talking to the future queen. Your people are scared. And even the poor are scared they lash out. Either way you’ll end up back where you cane from. You Carlos and the rest of the technicolour freaks that are destroying the property values that I painstakingly created. You are a “vk” are you not?

Mal: I’m not uh I uhm I don’t consider myself a vk anymore

Adam: then who? That is who you are right. Cradle to grave and all that rhetoric. Face it Mal. You are not an Auradon girl.

Elsa: oh you are so right beast. My daughter is not an Auradon girl. She’s the soon to be the queen of Auradon and isle AND she’s the princess of Arendelle. So that’s three titles to your zero. Meaning you’d do well to shut up

Adan: to what do I owe this...thing

Elsa: my daughter was hurt. So I’m checking on her. Like you should be doing for Ben. Or has belle finally ridding herself if you rendered you void of the most basic compassion for your son as well as everything else?

Adam: as I was saying. If my reasonable suggestion goes unheeded the people will rise up and there’s (a phone blasts out “backstreets back”) OH WHAT NOW!

Ben: it’s my cell phone. Doug would you be a dear and grav it for me

Doug: sure. But only if you put a top on?

Ben: I’ll think about it

(Doug snickers and answers the phone)

Doug: king Ben’s personal cell phone the major-domo speaking. Yes. Yes. Oh shit. Thank you for informing us (he hangs up) the wand, the spindle, Jafar’s staff and the magic mirror have been stolen from the museum

Bal, Elsa and Evie: what?

Mal: when?

Doug: two hours ago. There’s no security footage. The cameras were busted. Ten guards are dead. Two have had the hearts crushed. The rest were cut to pieces by glads shards

Adam: ok then. It’s decided. Round them up. I’ll get the trucks ready. We can have you and them all back by sundown

Elsa: you realise who you’re sounding like right now?

Adam: the only sane man. As it has been for years. Now Mal my dear. Your choice. Anarchy or order. Where’d she go

(Mal’s teleported away)

Evie: you poked the dragon.

Ben: I’ll go after. See if she’s ok

Elsa: no I will. This is a mother’s job

(She teleports after Mal and finds her in the dining room hyperventilating)

Mal: I can’t do it. I I can’t

(Elsa pulls her into a cool down hug)

Elsa: shhh shhh now. Don’t listen to him.

Mal: but he’s right. I’m going to be the queen. I should be thinking about these things. And ten people are dead. And some nutbag has some of the most powerful magical relics in existence

Elsa: but you still have the book and the sceptre. And the book. And if your hunch is correct. You’re half god. So

Mal: so, what?

Elsa: so...beast cannot lay a hand on you or Ben or anyone you care about. Not without your say so.

Mal: so what you’re saying is I hold all the cards

Elsa: essentially yes

Mal (weak laugh): why doesn’t that make me feel better

Elsa: because your upbringing had left you scarred and unable to make decisions that could impact people you care about

Mal: ... harsh but true

Elsa: listen

(This is when “brave” happens)

Mal: I can be brave. I can tell Adam where to stick it.

Elsa: I’ll supply the barge pole

Mal (cackling): please let me see that when it happens

Elsa: hmmmmm maybe

(Back in bal’s living room)

Evie: you’ve hated us all since the moment we arrived. You couldn’t stand the fact Ben chose my sister over the Hunan balloon animal you picked out.

Adam: sometimes the parent really does know best

Evie: said Gothel. Said Madame Mim. Said Jafar, Cruella, my mother, Yzma, Gaston, Maleficent and every single shitty parent we had to deal with over there. You’ve joined their ranks plain and simple

Adam: I am not one of them. You are. Upsetting the well defined status quo on a whim.

Ben: you were a bastard of a father and now you’re a bastard of a human being. The kingdom has me now. And I shan’t make the same mistakes errors and blatant crimes against humanity that you did

Adam: then you’ll be a disappointment as king.

Evie: oh for once in your life shut up and let others speak

Adam: PRETTY THINGS SHOULD SIT STILL AND REMAIN SILENT!

Evie: oh there’s my mother again. Doug honey did you know that she said that exact same thing to me when I stared talking?

Doug: oh my god I’m so sorry.

Evie: eh don’t be. I’m over it. Well mostly. But the fact that this idiot is saying it says plenty about his perceived moral superiority

Adam: if you can’t listen to reason I can always force you.

Evie: once again. My mother. Maleficent. Gaston. Jafar. Cruella. Mim. Medusa. Yzma. Hearts. Need I go on?

(In Ursula’s grotto Uma’s working on something)

V!Harry: what are you doing. Well. I know what you’re doing. I’m you. I’m just asking for the benefit of those out there

Uma: who?

Harry: nothing. Don’t worry.

Uma: ugh whatever. I’m working on an escape. If she thinks she can stop me she’s sorely mistaken

(This is when “speechless” happens)

(Mal bursts back in to the room)

Mal: alright here’s what’s going to happen. Ben, Evie you guys still wanna continue with the program?

Ben: yes

Evie: absolutely

Mal: then you do that. Because, Adam, we aren’t closing the barrier. You got that?

Adam: I really don’t think

Mal: I don’t care what you think. Nobody here cares what you think. You’re no longer king. Hence superfluous to the narrative. You’re nothing. The chain of command goes Ben, Doug, me, Evie

Evie: uh excuse me?

Doug: sorry hon. She’s right.

Ben: yeah. King, major-domo, queen, chancellor.

Evie: shit

Mal: so you can scream shout moan complain. But we’re not closing off the island. EVER!

Adam: you’ll regret this.

Mal: pretty sure we won’t.

(Adam stalks off)

Mal (immediately deflating): man I need a drink. Amethyst wine anyone?

Evie: do I even wanna know?

Mal: probably not.

Ben: it’s great. Just like the butter bars

(Evie turns green around the gills)

Doug: I’m probably gonna regret this but what’s in it

Mal: white wine. Vodka. A quarter pound of sugar. And it’s all mixed together with juiced violets. Hence the colour

Evie: that sounds disgusting.

Ben: oh it is. But we made it with magic so the potency is through the roof

Doug: meaning?

Ben: meaning it’ll get you blackout

Mal: shitfaced

Bal: blindingly drunk

Evie (forcing back a disgusted look): ahahaha. I’ll pass

Bal: suit yourself

(They commence drinking. In the isle chadeficent is looking on as Ursula goes belly up)

Chadeficent: need some help?

Ursula: my wretch of a daughter blew up my grotto and escaped with that mouth breathing pirate spawn. Of course I need help

(Chadeficent sends eerie magic hands, the exact type that ripped out Ariel’s voice, plucks out Ursula and drops her on the pier)

Ursula: now that that’s all settled. Who the hell are you

Chadeficent (now only using Maleficent’s voice): you tell me sea witch.

Ursula (unsurprised): you’ve literally never looked worse

Chadeficent (in Chad’s voice): hey watch it bitch!

Ursula: excuse me

Chadeficent (still in Chad’s voice): I mean seriously you look like a desaturated smurf.

Ursula (eyes glowing teal): Do you wanna say that again kid?

Chadeficent (in Maleficent’s voice): no he does not

Ursula (smirking): who’s body?

Chadeficent (both voices now): the son of Cinderella

Ursula: oooh a new meal?

Chadeficent: no. A tool (Maleficent’s voice) in more ways then one

Ursula: how’d you get here.

Chadeficent (both voices): the elongated horseless carriage

Ursula: so the limo

Chadeficent: yes.

Ursula (very much unimpressed): mhmm. Why are you back?

Chadeficent: I’m starting a coven. I assume you want in?

Ursula: eh what the hell. Wouldn’t be the first time we teamed up to ruin lives

Chadeficent: remember when we ruined for children’s lives simultaneously?

Ursula (mad): oh you mean that time my daughter was publicly humiliated and gained a dehumanising epithet all because your daughter acted out in anger at something the witches daughter did that left the freckled thing to be tortured by the furrier for a month?

Chadeficent: yes

Ursula (bark laughing): HA. Good times good times. So. What’s the plan

Chadeficent: we are going to break my daughter

Ursula: mind? Body? Soul? Spirit?

Chadeficent: all four

(In Auradon. Adam’s just sat down at the bar of a tavern)

Adam: double scotch on the rocks

Bartender: coming right up sir

Adam: never have kids Moliere

Bartender: my names not Moliere sir

Adam (not even listening): you raise them. You teach them. You impart your wisdom. Your values. And what do they do? Take a giant steaming shit on all you worked on and turn everything completely upside fucking down in the name of goddamn “progress”. Know what I’m saying?

Bartender: ohhhhkay?

(Adam gets off the stool and starts the jukebox. This is when “gold” starts.)

Bartender (very very scared now): sir. Your majesty are you ok?

Adam (pensively): no. No I’m not a majesty. Not anymore. Well. Not yet at least.

(He runs out of the tavern without paying)

Customer: what the hell was that all about?

Bartender: I don’t know. But I have a feeling little benny needs a warning.

#disney descendants #zendaya!mal

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ruffoverthinksthings · 6 years

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What are the Aks and Vks like when drunk? More silly? Sad drunk? Who starts acting/or subconscious returning to childhood traumas/actions of their parents?

Forclarity, “Drunk” here is defined as the point where a person hasclearly lost all capacity to drive safely, inhibit their emotions, oreven create memories, as the morning after will most likely be a hazyblur.

Without further ado, the Rotten 4 and Ben. I’ll have to continuewith the others at a later time, this is PRETTY long.

Mal - Self-Hating Depressed Drunk

“Fuck off and let me wallow in my sadness, why don’t you...?”

Because of Mal’s half-Fae lineage, it actually takes quite a bitto get her drunk. This was a point of pride in the Isle when shecould be just tipsy when everyone else was wasted to high hell on cider and/or grog, and steal them all for herself and her friends, where shewould down the rest in private, and reminiscince on how awful her lifeis.

When Mal is well and truly wasted, this is where it comes out, allthe vulnerability, the self-hatred, and the repressed realizationthat her life is shit, her mother doesn’t love her, but she’sstill trying in spite of all reason.

She’s also quite defensive and violent, verbally or physically,in this state--you don’t just replace years of maladaptivebehaviour in a such a short amount of time, and unfortunately, what Mal knows and trusts to work is to scare off other people, lock yourself away, and let no one see your weakness.

Jay - Bad Idea Drunk

“Hey, listen: I have a great idea...”

Jay is known for his boldness, and his lack of impulse control. Assoon as an idea comes to his head, there is rarely, if any delay ofwhen he will do it, or immediately start figuring out how to do it.Usually, these will be relatively well thought of with Jay’snumerous thieving and parkour instincts letting detect all the usualexit routes, potential outs, and what’s the most valuable haul hecan take without getting caught, or the safest risk he can take.

Alcohol inhibits most of those instincts towards self-preservationand pragmatism.

Jay is the one most likely to crash a car/magic carpet, get infights and/or arrest, or just wake up upside down at some person’spool with a perfect view from where he’s dangling on the roof,while in nothing but his underwear.

Evie - Flirty Drunk

“I’m a more than a little drunk on booze and you, baby~”

In what comes as a surprise to no one, Evie is even moreflirtatious and friendly than she usually is after some alcohol. It’sjust what she’s been conditioned to do for so many years, what shestill enjoys doing, and what she originally used booze for back inthe Isle—sometimes, viable targets for her seduction weren’tquite as handsome, pretty, or charming as she would like them to be,and lowering her standards in the short-term lets her gain in thelong-term.

Ever since getting into Auradon’s vastly expanded dating pool,she’s since stopped lowering her standards with all the beautifulpeople around and a healthy dose of self-respect and understanding ofthings like consent aside, but the going home to someone else’splace remains.

Carlos - Diva Drunk

“The fuck is this swill I’m drinking?! Did someone switch mydrink? WHO THE FUCK SWITCHED MY DRINK?! BARTENDER! SOMELIER! SOMEONEWITH HALF A BRAIN AND ANY SENSE OF WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM, I DEMANDYOU REPLACE THIS SPIRIT-FLAVOURED WATER IMMEDIATELY!

“GAH! IMBECILES!”

Though Carlos was terrorized, abused, and enslaved by Cruella allhis life, children are nothing if not sponges, and he has inheritedor adapted many of his mother’s traits, if unconsciously. The sideof him that demands to be treated like the greatest thing sincesliced bread is usually repressed as he couldn’t back it up on theIsle, and most everyone drank or stole all his booze before he couldget proper drunk.

In Auradon, he doesn’t have that “can’t drink enough to getdrunk” problem anymore, but it has been exchanged into how hebecomes an awful person when he’s drunk.

Most of his belief that he should be treated like a god comefrom his intelligence, he starts snapping and berating everyone whohas ever done him wrong, real or imagined, along with generallyturning into someone who would rather be drunk, miserable, and alonethan in the happy company of those he perceives lesser than him.

As I mentioned above, he is drunk to the point where all reasonand self-preserving habits have been turned off.

Ben - Angry Drunk

“You know what, you know what our problem here is in Auradon?Nobody ever wants to admit, that there’s--there’s ever any sortof PROBLEMS here! Like, like, everything is fucking--fuck--fuckinghunky-dory all the time, just because we’re here! I’m like, no:

“The income gap is growing daily! People are stuck in whateversocial class they’re in when they’re born! We’re complicit in afucking crime against all humanity, Fae Folk, and possibly theuniverse everyday!

“Fuck this country, fuck everyone for ever letting it get thisbad, and fuck me for trying to set it right!”

Ben is nothing if not the picture of self-control, moderation, anddiplomacy. However, he still has a Beast’s blood in him, and Belleherself has been a source of righteous anger and indignation. Hekeeps it down through a collection of healthy meditation habits,self-care, and just his in-born capacity to be emphatic, patient, andmaintain his moral high ground for the common good.

However, most of these require a serious dose of willpower andconscious effort, and being drunk makes that extremely difficult toimpossible.

While Ben rarely lashes out physically—everyone but Chad knowsbetter than to provoke him—he does become like his father in thathe mopes, breaks furniture, and wishes to be alone in between yellingand roaring at anyone who might still listen or be in the crossfireof his plight.

It’s a big reason why he’s a social drinker with a handful ofservants he trusts to step in when his famous self-control fails.

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hitchell-mope · 4 years

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(Third movie. The ember incident)

(On the Jolly Roger. Harriet melts out of the shadows. Falls face first on the floor. She gets up. Grabs a fire poker. And immediately starts attacking everything in sight)

Harriet: I HATE THEM. I HATE THEM ALL. I WANT NOTHING MORE THEN TO GRAB THEM AND GRIND THEIR FACES INTO POISONOUS CORAL. AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

(CJ has been patiently watching her sisters tirade, while silently judging her, and is now ready to say her piece)

CJ: drink?

Harriet: port if we have it

CJ: coming right up

Harriet: what’ve you been reading. A brine bloated Bronte?

CJ: a sea soaked Shelley actually

Harriet: the light is terrible in here. You should at least read out on the deck if not at the shadow man’s

CJ: you know I could but I don’t want to.

Harriet: fair is fair.

CJ: so. I take it the little convo didn’t work out?

Harriet: that little witch girl got to me before I could slay the dragon

CJ: and how would that have worked out for you? The king has magic. Then there’s her sister. And the genie. And the kid. And the specky little four eyed weirdo. Who all love her for some reason.

Harriet: because they don’t know what she is.

CJ: the daughter of Maleficent

(Harriet gives her a withering look)

CJ: ohhhh the other thing

Harriet: yes the other thing (she takes a swig of port) if they knew. About the both of them. They would never be welcome. Then the kingdom would be Harry’s for the taking

CJ: we have to tell him first

Harriet: if we ever see him again

CJ: they both knew what would happen if they hypnotised the prince. It’s twue wuv after all

Harriet: uuuurrrrgggghhhh! Gimme a Legume any day.

CJ: why?

Harriet: Deaux is 6”5 and built like a cement lavatory. You do the math

CJ: yeah. Still can’t see it.

Harriet: for that I blame Gothel

CJ: in her day mother Gothel was a very handsome woman

Harriet: if you say so. But now she’s old haggard and constantly whinging about a German lettuce.

CJ: I would also like the German lettuce. Gaddammit. Why are all the good women either too old, straight, prefer my brother or hate my guts.

Harriet: because there’s about fifty mothers here, with as many children on this slag heap there’s bound to be hetero’s, they think they can “fix” him even though he doesn’t need fixing and those people are idiots who will one day be felled by our blades

(A dustished but very old man hobbles down to the galley)

CJ: hey uncle Starkey

Starkey: good afternoon girls. Have you see your father today

Harriet: with luck he swallowed his own tongue during the night

Starkey: Harriet

Harriet: fine. I’ll go check on the bastard

(Meanwhile at the arcade. Hades has arrived just as Mal and the others left

Facillier: and where exactly do you think you are going?

Hades (Jesse L Martin): the barrier. Iris. I have a present for her. Whew. That took a lot out of me

Facillier: if you teleported then you’d not be out of breath like a common mortal

Hades: I need to get this to her before she leaves. Engagement present

(He holds up the ember. Facillier blanches and grabs the gods arm)

Facillier: my daughter is in that limo. And I entrusted her safety to the future queen. Do you honestly think I’d let you endanger my daughter because of your frankly horrendously tardy sentiment

Hades: 🎶it can be her old new borrowed and blue🎶

Facillier: it will not recognise her. Either of them. It could kill them both.

Hades: Hadie said that as well.

Facillier: how drunk was the young one

Hades: something about reed root

Facillier: oh yeah. I gave it to him.

Hades: thank you for that by the way. Now he can argue.

Facillier: you’re welcome

Hades: just wait until you kid starts boozing

(Facillier stops smiling)

Hades: ta ta

(He teleports away in electric blue fire waving goodbye as he does so)

Facillier (hurriedly): no nononononono (sighs deeply and looks upwards) I know I did wrong. And I have more then made up for it. But you are testing me. And it is not appreciated. So please. One break. I have surely earned that much?

Tremaine: FACILLIER!

Facillier (under his breath): evidently not (with a fake smile on his face and faux joviality) Lady Tremaine. To what do I owe the pleasure

Tremaine: is it back yet.

Facillier: who

Tremaine: the flesh mass I pulled out of my daughter 13 years ago

Facillier (looking and sounding rightly horrified): you mean Dizzy

Tremaine: is that it’s name? Huh. I thought we left it unnamed

Facillier: of course. Wouldn’t want to give her the illusion that you care about her would you?

Tremaine: see. You get it.

(Facillier groans inwardly)

Tremaine: so. Where is she. Is she back yet. The salon needs cleaning.

Facillier: she is in Auradon. Where she has been for a year.

Tremaine: I assumed that folly would have fallen through ages ago

Facillier: in case you haven’t noticed there is a distinct lack of unhappy starving neglected and abused children milling about.

Tremaine: I know it’s sickening isn’t it.

Facillier: not really no. There’s only so much hades and myself can do. It’s good that they’re getting out of here. We deserve it.

Tremaine: I don’t believe I deserve this fate

Facillier: and that is exactly why you do. Anyway. Haven’t you got a grandson you torture?

Tremaine: Anastasia took Anthony away. Eight years ago. As far as I know he’s in flagrante with that Hadie person

Facillier: good for him.

Tremaine: people like him should be strung up. You can clean my salon. Won’t that be nice. Your people made a name for themselves working for my kind after all

Facillier: in a single breath you have displayed homophobia and racism. So no. Clean up your own mess you privileged bitch

(He teleports her away)

Vision!Celia: she has such a bad attitude

Facillier: it’s the privilege. Ruins people.

V!Celia: you raised Celia right. Well. Right as you could given circumstances

Facillier: now she’s safe

(From outside there’s a screeching noise)

Facillier: I spoke too soon

(In the limo)

Mal: don’t tell me you brought it with you?

Evie: of course I did

Ben: brought what?

Mal: my dear little sister is belabouring under the impression that she’s my wedding planner. Ben and I have been engaged to less than a day.

Evie: your point being?

Mal: my point being is. How long have you been working on this? Since cotillion?

Evie: no not cotillion. Coronation

Mal: my mistake. Gissa look then

Evie: no! With any luck you won’t have to until the final product

Mal: ahahaha. No. Give it here.

Evie: but Ben

Mal (pitting up a hand to silence her sister): Ben dear. Would you like to know what our wedding is going to look like?

Ben: yes please

Evie (sighing): fine

(She hands the binder to her sister who starts perusing it with Ben)

Mal: let’s see now.

Ben: oh dear oh dear dear dear dear dear

Evie: what now?

Mal: white dress? Really?

Evie: what’s wrong with white? It’s classic traditional pure innocent virg...(sees the “bitch please look at who you’re talking to” expressions bal are giving her and how much Mal is pressed up against Ben’s chest) ok I see where I went wrong. So what do you suggest.

Ben: purple green and black for Mal’s side

Mal: blue and yellow for Ben’s side

Evie: but the dresses

Mal: I have some ideas. Tell me Ben. What’s your favourite dress of mine.

Ben: uhhhh. Hmmmmm. The dress you had at cotillion after you turned into a dragon

Mal: great. We use that one then.

Evie: what about the feathers?

Mal: I’m not that fond of feathers.

Evie: yeah yeah yeah. Everyone’s aware of your stance on doves. What about swans.

Mal: love her. Should’ve killed Regina though. And her daughter in law is more my speed

Ben: so is the son. Well. The season seven one

Mal: why do you think I opened with daughter in law

Evie: how did this turn into a rundown of your collective fictional crushes.

Mal: would you rather we talk about Paul Rudd. Or Mark Ruffalo? Whichever you prefer is fine with us

Evie (going red in the face and squirming in her seat): ummmm.

Mal: I’m kidding sis. Swans are fine. But dye them black blue purple yellow and green. Mkay?

Evie: yeah fine whatever

Doug: JESUS CHRIST!!!!

(Everyone follows his gaze to the back window. A women is running to the archway sending others into a panic. She’s got a glowing jewel in her hand)

Doug: who is that

Vks (except Celia): I don’t know

Celia: it’s hades

Jay: what.

Celia: gods don’t have a fixed form Jay

Mal: c’mon

(They all get out of the limo. Except Celia who’s caught by Mal and given to Carlos who puts her back in the limo)

Celia: what the hell are you doing let me help

Mal: sorry kid. Your dad told me to look after you. And to do that you can’t be here. Carlos can you take her back to the school?

Carlos: sure thing

(He gets into the drivers seat and tears away leaving the others to face the god)

Mal: what do we do.

Evie: oh I think you know

Mal: oh. Heh heh. Right

(Her eyes glow bright emerald gree. Purple smoke surrounds her. When it clears she’s a dragon)

Jay: I’ll cover Mal. Ben and Evie you two go either side. Doug. Call the guys at home. Tell them to stop filming

Doug: why would they still be. Oh ok I heard it as I said. I’ll calm them

(In Auradon Carlos has just burst out of the limo)

Carlos: gran you gotta come with me right now. Gramma could you please take Celia and make sure she doesn’t off?

Elsa: what’s wrong?

Belle: why would Celia run off?

Celia: Hades is trying to escape the barrier.

Carlos: I didn’t want to tell them just yet kid

Celia: well it’s the truth

Belle: why is he trying to escape the barrier

Chad: who’s escaping the barrier

Celia: Don’t you have a girlfriend to disappoint

Chad: she’s at the bar

Celia: then go

Chad: I’d rather stay here

Carlos: FUCK OFF CHAD

Chad: well then

Belle: chad please

Chad: oh my god HAHAHAHA SHE GONNA DIE HAHAHAHAHA

(They all look towards the jumbo screen)

Carlos: oh this is not good

(At the barrier hades is being force choked by Ben, Jay and Evie which is making him flit between all four forms. The ember is blasting Mal in the heart. She’s screaming. Doug’s putting gloves on in case it goes south. It does. Mal manages to fly above the ember blast. Hades accidentally drops it. Once it hits the ground it’s blast concentrates on Ben, Jay and Evie. Mal turns back into a human too weak to maintain dragon form and falls. Doug catches her)

(In Auradon Chad’s still laughing)

Chad: look at your freak of a queen now people. So pathetic she can’t beat a god. One who crossdresses apparently

Leah (hobbling up to them): he is right. That girl will spell destruction for us all

Belle: why are you here Leah?

Elsa: more to the point. Why are you still alive

Audrey (rushing to them): I’m so sorry. I invited her so she can apologise to Mal and oh my god what’s happening

Celia: a god, who FYI is more powerful then a genie, dark fairy, sorceress and hybrid combined numbnuts, is trying to escape the barrier

Audrey: are they ok

Chad: who cares

Carlos, Celia, Belle, Elsa and Audrey: we care

Leah: I agree with chad. Perhaps if she dies my granddaughter can retain her rightful place on the throne then our plans will not have been for naught

Audrey: you know what Grammy? Why don’t you just piss of back to Auroria. Because you are not wanted here. Queen Elsa could you do the honours? Please?

Elsa: it would be my pleasure

(She teleports Leah away in a flurry of snow)

Carlos: where’d Celia go?

(In te gym Celia melts out from the shadow just in time to see dizzy and the twins cheering at Lonnie beating Gil in a sparring match)

Celia: what the hell are you doing. (Pointing to Gil) your brother (pointing to Dizzy) your mother (pointing to Lonnie) and the object of your lust are being targeted by an escaping god.

Lonnie: wait what? How did you I

Celia: I can read people alright. It’s not a. It’s not a good thing. Especially on the island. Anyway. Hades. Escaping. Friends. In trouble. Dizz’s asshole cousin. Running his mouth. Help. Or not

Gil: help. No question. We help however we can.

Celia: good. You two do something about the stench. Dizzy the twins and I will go back outside come on guys

(She melts back into shadow along with the others. At the barrier Doug has set Mal on the ground and turned his attention to hades)

Doug: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING

Hades (Sebastian Stan): it won’t stop until it’s back inside the barrier

Doug: argh I hate adults.

(He rubs part Jay and kicks the ember back inside. The momentum of the jewel hits hades square in the forehead and sends him somesaulting backwards. Ben, Jay and Evie collapse on the ground)

Hades (on the verge of tears): I’m so sorry my darlings

(Mal, eyes ablaze with fury, sends thorn vines in his direction. Hades teleports away in blue fire and the vines disintegrate when they hit the barrier. Then Mal collapses again)

Doug (going to each of them in turn): is everyone alright? I’m just gonna roll you over in your sides so you don’t swallow your tongues.

Evie (pulling him into a hug): you saved us

Doug: well my family was in trouble. It’s what we do for each other. Why would that-stone-thing-attack you guys

Mal (breathing heavily): I uh I don’t I dun kn

Ben (rushing to her side): it��s ok. It’s ok. It’s all over

Evie (scoffing): for all you know. It’s hades. He mortalised his nephew because he was jealous.

Doug: that was a bastardisation. Zeus is really the dickhead. It’s not Hades who literally swans about look for human women to prey upon

Jay: you know all this how?

Doug: I read.

Jay: such as?

Doug: tumblr. Mostly. When you manage to find your own niche away from drama you it’s very informative.

Ben: but you’re technologically illiterate.

Doug: I was not so much but that Evie and Carlos helped oh dear

(Mal’s retched and thrown up on the ground)

Mal: that was awful. It was tearing my magic out of me. It felt like last year.

Evie: I felt it too. Like a price of my soul was being ripped out

Jay: we need to get back to the school.

Doug: none of you are in any position to teleport yourselves or me. I’ll call Carlos and ask him to bring the car (he rifles around in his pockets) fucking fuckity fuck fuck shitting hell

Mal: what’s wrong.

Doug: I put my phone on the seat next to me. In the limo.

Jay: so we’re fucked?

Doug: basically yeah

Celia (in the limo): not completely

Ben: what the heck?

Celia: you really should swear more

Mal: what are you doing Celia?

Celia: I’ve come to help. Unless you want to be exposed to the elements

Jay: no thanks

Celia: then get in.

(The teens, with Ben caring Mal bridal style, all pile in the limo and drive off. None of them see the two eels watching them from the water. This is when “wicked always wins” happens)

#disney descendants #zendaya!mal

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