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#Charlie has social anxiety issues which YOU DID NOT CAUSE
theotheristhedoctor · 2 years
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Nick's face when Charlie says he felt "in the way" at the party? Yeah, that's the face of someone who for a moment hates themselves. That is literally the most upsetting expression in the whole show.
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thefallingmaze · 3 years
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LISTEN UP FANTOMS
I want to address something that has been becoming a growing bother to me and has been getting more and more upset the more goes down in this fandom, which has increased triple these past few weeks.
We know there is a growing toxicity especially as of late, and whereas 97% of jatp are literal angels and so supportive and protective of the cast whenever some goes down and being so respective and speaking up about the issues in this fandom from all I have come across, thank you to those people!
Here we go…
This growing toxicity is destructive beyond words. Mostly the other platforms are causing problematic issues; harassing, objectifying the boys like sexual objects, bullying in various degrees, disrespecting their privacy, somehow some manage to be disrespecting through basic stuff even. Violating the things they have asked us to not do, to stop doing or mentioned to be uncomfortable with, some people have been stalking them and their loved ones, jokes that are not even jokes and crossing so many lines, some not being able to distinct what you as a fan can and cannot do or say YOU ARE NOT THEIR FRIEND OR FAMILY to say some things I’ve seen out there.  Spamming them, going so far to find addresses of theirs and send stuff (especially wedding rings please for the love of this cast behave yourselves) it will only mean the cast will take a massive step back and stop conversing with the fan base; to opt and no longer or rarely comment, read dms, like stuff, share stuff, do lives, do happy birthdays or in Charlie’s case a bday song/vid.
Madi asked us to stop talking about Charlie’s height because he isn’t comfortable with you all joking around with it (which isn’t even funny it can be found alike bullying for some), asked us to stop reaching out at friends and family if you want to talk to her, which also goes for any other cast member dm only them if you want to talk to them or for them to get back to you not other cast members or their loved ones. She left a live abruptly after someone got offensive and hurt her nor should anyone question her (or any of the cast their) sexuality it is none of our business and she does not have to apologize for her father’s behaviour she is not her dad and her dad is not her, Madi may joke around about it but we all know and plenty of us are sick of it too that thousands of you constantly mentioning Charlie in her things and needs to stop ASK ABOUT HER it’s her live and she’s such an inspiring young woman to so many people and Charlie has a life too.
Owen openly speaks about his anxiety and about not being comfortable with some stuff yet some of you decided to take it out on him whenever he opted to decline Dream It Con or decide to misbehave when he does lives, posts on any of socials or ig Q&A’s. Despite him being kind and calm when addressing in a live with Charlie that someone found his and his parent’s place and send him a wedding ring you could see BOTH of them were uncomfortable and shaken, there is a reason he mentioned it he appreciates the love but it is invasive and creepy to do such things. I was made aware of something by someone on tumblr few days back when Owen did this Question thing on IG and shared some ss of someone’s questions (from a fan) who made a stan account on his dog and being freaked out by them, to be brought aware of the accounts on three various platforms, the main owner and the general posts + comments on their as other’s posts on them which made me even more upset, creeped out and shocked: some comments they made or people that followed them and replied are DANGEROUS AND ABUSIVE BEHAVIOUR and literally was threatening in a way on Owen’s account WHAT THE FUCK YOU GUYS?! DON’T DO THAT STUFF NOT ONLY IS IT OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOUR IT IS DISPLAYING SIGNS OF DANGEROUS REACTIONS AND COMMENTS THAT SHOULD NOT BE SAID AT ANY AGE ESP NOT OVER 18.
Sav, Sacha and Jadah being sidelined and disrespected by so many people when they are so talented and so kind and willing to take time to talk to us and share stuff SUPPORT THEM TOO. Not just the main four. I get some of you are uncomfy with some of them being minors but supporting them for their talents don’t hurt no one and is not crossing a line, liking a post or saying keep up the good work as long as you aren’t doing creepy stuff isn’t crossing a line and I’m sure they appreciate the support. BUT some of them not being minors doesn’t give you the right neither to start crossing lines that should not be crossed and doesn’t give you the right to disrespect and sexualise them neither.
Some of you aren’t even kids, which makes it even worse to see the way some of yall are behaving yourselves?! And stop questioning tiny things the casts do, their whereabouts, replying to fans and being ‘ignored’ and behave shitty over it THEY CANNOT NOTICE US ALL THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF US, being offended with them changing their bios or captions / what they tweet-post they can do and post whatever the hell they want without having to ask yalls permission. Stop acting as if they don’t talk to one another privately or some of them post more online then others means they arent friends with the entire cast WE DONT KNOW WE ARENT THEM, have inside jokes that are none of our business, stop acting as if they cannot get hurt because hell they know stuff is going down in the fandom because 100% some has been affecting them too.  Stop making jokes for giggles that aren’t even jokes but straight of crossing a line and offensive on their account, we do not know them or their struggles and what may hurt them because there’s some ‘jokes’ out there that are crossing major lines that shouldn’t have been crossed in the first place.
THEY ARE HUMAN BEINGS JUST LIKE US, YOUNG PEOPLE JUST LIKE MANY OF US, AND DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED WITH SUCH HATRED, SUCH DISRESPECT, SUCH DEMAND COMING FROM THEIR FANS. THEY HAVE THEIR OWN LIVES, WITH THEIR OWN PEOPLE AND THINGS, THEIR OWN MENTAL HEALTH TO KEEP ON TRACK. START TREATING THEM AS HUMAN BEINGS AND TREATING THEM HOW YOU WOULD WANT TO BE TREATED WO EVEN NEEDING TO BE IN THE POSITION OF A PRESSURING INDUSTRY THAT EXPOSES THEM TO SUCH (SUDDEN) PUBLICITY. THEY ARE NOT OBLIGED TO TALK TO US, TO DO LIVES, TO LIKE/SHARE OUR STUFF, TO DO ONLINE M&G, TO TAKE PICTURES, OR EXPLAIN OTHER PEOPLE’S FUCK UPS, THEY DON’T OWE US ANYTHING.
This kind of behaviour some are displaying is dangerous to the cast, there are minors but also young adults of only 20 who each will whether you want to accept it or not see plenty of this shitty behaviour and will get hurt or put in an uncomfortable position by the stuff that is out there. Some of your behaviour can have a negative long term impact on the cast beyond interaction with the fans and their mental but also to their personal lives and destroy friendships if yall keep on spamming and stalking their loved ones too!! I noticed the cast is less active lately and I believe some who used to be massively active (esp Madi) now appear to be taking a step back or least being on socials less or not at all, even pointing out stuff directly and indirectly that they aren’t okay with some stuff some of you are doing, and I don’t blame them.
 BEHAVE YOURSELVES PLEASE.
  Please acknowledge that I didn’t address a lot of the issues that have come to be in the past four months + this being a mess of blabbing text because raging, and not even cover the past month but mostly this week’s alone because YES THAT MUCH HAS HAPPENED and it is sickening. 
 Ps. If I were to be able to address the major jatp fanbase on ig I would’ve said every bit that made more sense speaking  + thinking it rather than the confusing text post it became but also reach more people including the many people that are part of the problem . And If you have anything to add please do! If any of the cast is truly on here, I hope you know that you are so loved, respected, supported and appreciated by so many even if a big group overshadows it.
 I didn’t check spelling because fuck that, you get the point.
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daisywrites4you · 3 years
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Your Spark - Charlie Gillespie x Reader
Co-Star AU
Author’s Notes: No confirmed Reader Gender, Age is not confirmed but is younger than Charlie, Slight Hint at Slow Burn (within the one-shot), Season 2 concept and NOT confirmed
Your life never seemed to have its spark. Everything being an endless fleet of things needed to be done and experiences always half-finished. That was until it started with a chance meeting on a film-set. Your first day being on the Julie and The Phantoms set was all due to the off-chance that you managed to get the job as a new character: Reggie’s potential love interest. You were widely shocked to have managed such a high role after expecting to get supporting-cast or a background character. You remembered bits and pieces but your stagefright did block a lot out. Your audition had included a cover of ‘Can’t blame a girl for trying’ by Sabrina Carpenter while playing your acoustic. You had shyly walked into the room and almost tripped over a sound card on the floor. You felt like you’d die from embarrassment before you would ever even make it to the judges table. You had introduced yourself and started your lines and tried to avoid eye contact. When you finally managed to look up, the director seemed shocked and interested in your acting. So when it finally came to singing, you felt more comfortable and gave it your all. You remembered hearing cheering from the doorway and the clapping from those who were listening in. It gave you a sense of pride but you never anticipated being something special. Still, you were elated to get the opportunity to meet and work with the actors you learned to adore after watching season one. Your life was finally coming together...that was until your eyes met viridescent ones.
You were walking to the break room to meet the cast for the first time. Your first day jitters seeming to get worse and worse as you neared the door. After all, these were your idols that you were about to meet. Mainly, you were most nervous to meet Charlie, your current celebrity crush. You wouldn’t describe yourself as obsessed or anything, just a small fascination with his smile and chipper attitude. You couldn’t help it, your feelings for the dork emerged after his first appearance on Charmed and the small crush never really went away after that. Even so, you were determined to not make a fool of yourself.
Your hand met the handle of the door as you heard laughs echoing from inside. Your hands buzzed as you tried to gulp down the intense anxiety stirring through you. You turned the knob after fighting any mental doubts you had and pulled open the door. The sounds of laughter died down and all eyes fell on you. Now your anxiety spiked and you had to hold down the urge to run out of the room. You tried to avoid seeming scared and looked for something to catch your eyes so you wouldn’t freak out. When you finally managed to look around your eyes met another pair. They were intense and bright and you had to almost yell at yourself mentally to realize you were staring a little too long. Tearing your eyes away, you finally managed to see who those eyes belonged to...Charlie Gillespie. “Oh god,” you mentally shouted at yourself.
Everything seemed to go so slow but in reality it had only been a few seconds that your eyes met his. Everyone seemed to now understand that you were a new member and began to get up and introduce themselves. They were all so kind and gentle with you, making sure you weren’t spooked. Social anxiety is a major issue with you, so usually settings like this overstimulated you, however, this was genuinely nice. By the time you became more comfortable goofing around, you could feel a pair of eyes on you. You peered around the room as you spoke and your eyes met Charlie’s once more. You felt small tingles running along your back, and decided to flash him a small smile before continuing on as normal. At some point he joined the group and started conversing with you too.
As the day went on you and Charlie really hit it off as friends and it felt like you guys had been friends for far longer than it seemed. You had already started talking about your childhood, the good memories, that is, and he his own. He wasn’t the only friend you made however. You had gotten really close with Madison and Jeremy.
It has been some time now and you’d come to describe the cast as a family you never anticipated to have. Slowly your comfort levels developed and you started to become more comfortable around the cast, however there was some part of you that still held up reservations of showing who you were. No matter what you couldn’t shake that. Even so, they began to learn your love for reading, your admiration for the show, and how passionate you are as a person.
“I can’t believe your favorite line from the show was that of all things!” Mads teased loudly.
“Can you honestly blame me?” You questioned, flashing her a cheeky smile. You guys had gotten on the topic of season one and you both had started comparing favorite lines from the show. Your heart was currently still stuck on, “This is an interesting little relationship you and I have.” Mads couldn't help but agree that it is a good quote and any girl would swoon being told that. I mean, that scene did cause that crush of yours on Charlie to spiral once more when you first started getting into the show after finishing Charmed a year prior. However, you did try to shove those feelings far far away. You didn’t want any awkward tension or teases from the cast...especially from Madison. That girl would never let you live it down, you blame the gen z matchmaker within her. You couldn’t help but compare the young teen to a little sister and you had grown quite attached to her as you worked together on set. You’d spent most of your days with her at work, and even spent some time outside of work going shopping for squishmallows, thrifting, or even just having small movie nights. You knew one day you’d tell the curly haired Latina your woes. Until then, it was more so sneaky remarks and avoiding any talks of relationships in general. You were glad she was so disinterested in romance due to her career. Even so, you really had to keep it on the downlow, especially after this conversation. You couldn’t have her knowing that it wasn’t just the quote that gave you butterflies in that scene.
“Honestly girl, I’m just excited to see more favorite quotes being posted once this new season is released,” Madison beamed before continuing, “We’ve already gotten so far into filming.”
She was right though. You knew there was going to be more fan art and new content being issued. You honestly couldn’t wait to finally be a part of the mix. You had a huge feeling that fans were either going to be jealous of you, be upset that you ruined their ship, or ship you endlessly with Reggie. Thankfully, the shipping couldn’t be spread to real life because of Jeremy’s marriage. That thought almost made you sigh in relief. Your upcoming scene with Jeremy was actually happening soon and the scene entails to where you first meet after a JATP performance. Your characters are meant to walk right into each other and thus develop into an instant attraction and soon your character’s backstory; why they’re a ghost.
Your response to Madison was a laugh and, “Oh yeah, let's hope it's nothing too crazy...if you get what I mean,” nudging her arm as you went on.
She scrunched her nose and this makes you belt into a laughing spree, to which she begrudgingly joins soon enough. Eventually three figures emerge into view, your favorite ghost boys are back from set. “What are you guys laughing about?” Charlie asked with a chuckle and smile.
“Oh, just the fandom and the interesting things that will be posted once the season is dropped,” Madison joked while emphasizing ‘interesting.’
The boys all groaned but still had huge smiles on their faces while they did so. We all knew sad or ‘spicy’ content would be posted, and no matter how awkward it could sometimes be, we still adored the effort fans put into their works. It was one of the most fulfilling parts of the job; the endless support you receive.
You couldn’t help but smile at the boys. “Honestly guys, I’m excited to see all the stuff that’ll be released,” You expressed excitedly.
You were almost hopping up and down and it took a lot for the group to not laugh at your excitement. They were used to this type of adoration, but they knew you weren't, and they couldn’t help but see a younger version of themselves in you. They all whooped in agreement and you brought the conversation full circle by bringing up favorite quotes. You couldn’t help but admire Charlie as he expressed his favorite scenes, quotes, and memes of the show. The way he expressed himself via his movements, the way his presence radiates, and how passionate he is, made your eyes instinctively glue to him. You knew the group was around and tried to keep your eyes off of him to avoid suspicion. Although, you couldn’t really help the heartfelt stare you shot his way anytime a laugh or smile came from the Canadian.
There were many moments within the month or so it’s been with the dork that had slowly but surely made his way into your heart. After all, you worked on set together, so it was only natural for you both to get as close as you have. You were okay with that for some time until the day you realized your “celeb crush” was much more than a small fascination and was developing into much more. You were a quarter into filming and were currently getting your makeup done before set. Your mind kept wandering while real life slowly faded in and out. Thoughts and the sounds around you blurred together until you felt the tingles through your scalp as your stylist fixed your hair. Now, you could not get this specific memory out of your head; it was as vivid as when you first experienced it.
It was just any other filming day and the cast was on lunch break after having filmed for 5 hours. You were dying to get something to eat or you felt like you’d hurl. So you scurried to the line and ordered your food before rushing to sit down. You were quick to scarf down your food before the rest of the cast could even manage to sit down. Mads sat down and noticed your now empty plate, “Damn girl. Your stomach really went ‘Es hora de comer.’”
You peered up at the girl with a grin and laughed at her tiktok reference. She recently got you caught up on the references, gen z humor, and even set up a tiktok account that you occasionally post on. “I was hungry, miss girl. They do be starving us on the regular,” You whined, “Also, not you teasing me for eating quickly when we both know that you are always eating, especially on Instagram Live.”
Your hint of sass was not missed and Mads makes sure to exaggerate her gasp by making it as loud as possible while clutching her chest. This makes you both burst into a fit of giggles. You weren’t really paying attention to your surroundings before a pair of hands made their way into your hair. A surge of tingles burst along your scalp and upper back. You had a feeling you knew who it was but looked up to confirm the culprit. Of course your eyes met Charlie’s and you couldn’t help but get lost in them for a second; his eyes were always a warmer shade when you peered into them. As the eye contact was made, you could feel his fingers curling into your hair as you let out a giggle and relaxed into his touch. You had gotten used to his affectionate behavior and your heart was quite fond of it now. After all, he’s been doing things like this for a while now. You give him a teasing smile before muttering a simple, “Hey.” He offers you a smile back and asks the famous Joey Tribbiani line, “How you doin’?”
“I’m doing good now that I’m not dying of starvation,” You explained. His response to get under your skin per usual was, “Oh, poor baby~” while ruffling your hair.
You were flustered but decided to scoff at his response. “You may be a tad older than me, C, but this ‘poor baby’ can still kick your ass. Starvation is no laughing matter.”
You were only joking and the brunette could tell too. Even so, his hand tightened in your hair as your threat was still fresh in the air. If it weren’t for Madison laughing, you would have almost forgotten she was there. “You guys bicker like an old married couple,” she taunted.
Ever since that day you’ve craved nothing more than to be something more to him. It didn’t help when his love language is physical touch and he gives you cute nicknames; of course all of these were consented to and talked about. You both had spent time figuring out nicknames and even boundaries; which made you fall even harder for Charlie due to the man’s respect of others. Still, your brain relentlessly argued whether the actions were platonic or not. The memory of his touch still burned your skin with desire, and his eyes always seemed to captivate you, you know if you stared for too long, you’d be a goner. You wanted to tell him how much you loved him, but the impromptu feeling of rejection eased its way into your anxieties and you crumbled before it. So instead you’ve been endlessly daydreaming of what could be for the last month.
Your thoughts were once again interrupted by your stylist as she finished up your hairdo for the next scene you’d be filming. This scene entails a kiss scene with Reggie and you were dreading it entirely. It was bad enough that the man is married, but your feelings for Charlie, and brotherly relationship with Jer just made it worse. You were just hoping you wouldn’t have to reshoot too many times. You made your way to the set and as soon as you made it inside you spotted Charlie out of the crowd. You could already feel the tension throughout the room building. Anyone could see it; the anxiety of the shoot and the way you both stared at each other. You, with hope and him...well, you weren’t sure yet. It’s hard to pinpoint a single word for how he sees you when his eyes are so genuine and open to everyone he meets. You could only ever describe it as a warm feeling. Like, when you get freshly dried blankets out of your drying machine and bundle into them after a long rainy day.
Before you could manage to utter a response, Jeremy, who was at your side, whispers teasingly to you, “I do not like the energy we’ve created in the studio today.”
This broke you from your trance and you bursted into laughter. Of course the rest of the cast was confused at your outburst but you were thankful to have had Jeremy take off some of your stress. Jeremy was just as glad, after all, he noticed how your jaw was clamped tight and your arms were tense when entering the room prior. He took that as a small victory for the day. Of course that also didn’t go unnoticed from the Canadian across the room either.
After some time of filming, a lot of mess ups, and occasional chats, you managed to get to the 2nd to last scene of the day. Your character is arguing with Reggie. Both seemed to be annoyed with the other for avoiding each other. Thus, the scene is an argument. The next visual cues onto you. Your strands of locks were evident along your furrowed brow. Almost as if you were sweating from the heated argument that is occurring within the scene. The scene was written and described to have a lot of sexual tension without having to allude to anything crazy. The next shot is you screaming, “God why can’t you just man up for once and stop avoiding me? You can flirt with all the girls you want but can’t seem to even look me in the eyes. What is wrong with you?!”
After that it is supposed to pan to Reggie. Thus zooming into him with a hurt look all the while he looks from my eyes to my lips. Then he shouts while running up to me and cupping my face, “Because I’m in love with you and it scares me,” then crashing his lips into mine.
We’ve had to shoot this scene twice already for either cringing or messing up a line. However, this shot was the kicker because we both secretly agreed to imagine each other as the person we had feelings for.
The conversion with Jeremy had gone like this after the first few mess ups, “Okay so this isn’t working.”
To which you responded with a sigh, “yeah it’s just too weird...we keep letting our real lives divide us from our characters for this scene.”
He nodded his head in response before scratching his head. “How about we pretend that we aren’t talking to each other OR each other’s characters...and instead someone who holds our heart?” Jeremy offered thoughtfully.
You were shocked to have heard such a smart but scary plan. That’s when you paled, did he know of your crush? Before you could even ask he was quick to the punch. “I know. I figured it out after some time. The stares you gave him were a dead giveaway. I won’t tell anyone, but I think it would be a great way to get your feelings out there without having to subject yourself to that type of scenario right now. Use it for your gain and not your hindrance...if that makes sense?”
You couldn’t help but chuckle at the goofy brunette. He really was like family to you and he knew more about you than you expected. You were just glad you didn’t have to bottle it up from another person."I'm ready to try again, if you are?" Thus cueing to our now revised and improved scene. The scene now had so much pent up frustration and tension it was addicting to watch. No one could seem to tear their eyes away.
Thus, Kenny yelled cut and everyone was cheering. Everyone except Charlie, that is. You quickly looked at the male, his eyes for the first time since you met him were closed off and had a faraway look to them. Your feelings of dread and worry kicked in and you wondered what was wrong. Maybe you didn’t do the scene right? You weren’t honestly sure what to do in that moment, up until you felt Jeremy’s hand grab your shoulder and shake you slightly. “Hey, you did great! Our plan worked out well,” Jer made sure to mutter that last part.
He was now the only one who 100% knew of your feelings. You speculate that others are starting to catch on but weren’t sure entirely. Your response to him was, “Thanks, Jer. God I wish I could just say that to him myself, to be honest.”
Jeremy got a small chuckle out of that and pats your head before saying, “You’ll be ready one day...maybe sooner than later...mainly after that scene.”
You look at him questioningly before asking, “What is that supposed to mean?”
He shook his head and gave you a small smile before walking off. Now you were confused by two males in your life. “God, this is why I usually stick to female friends...at least there’s no riddles with women,” you thought to yourself.
You couldn’t manage to find Charlie after that scene and didn’t find him at all for the rest of the filming day. This aggravated you a lot because you were excited to hear the praise from him the most. After all, that was the most major scene in the entire season for your character. At times like this you wished you had Charlie’s number to just text him and see how he was doing. But even after all these months, you never managed to ask for his number. You guys would just rely on conversation at work. Plus you assumed he was the busy type and wouldn’t be on his phone often anyways. So instead you made your way to Jeremy after a few hours to see if anything was going on. He seemed just as carefree as usual, figures.
"He's been missing since the 2nd to last scene of the day and you're not worried?" You ask Jer.
“No, because you could always shoot him a text. I’m sure he’s alright and just needed time to cool off after filming,” Jeremy says but his voice doesn’t sound so confident. It almost seemed like he was lying.
“I don’t exactly have his number yet, bub,” you grumbled.
Jeremy laughed at your expression and nudged you, “Hey, cut me some slack, I’m trying to help.”
"If you give me his phone number, I might reconsider,” you say with a smirk and gleaming eyes. Jeremy contemplated it but thought it was best that the phone number was earned and not given out by someone else. Consent is key guys.
At some point you gave up searching for the man, “He’s an adult and can handle himself,” you thought.
You made your way to your trailer and you soon heard footsteps approaching you. Owen’s voice interrupted your thoughts, “Hey, are you okay? You seem kind of upset.”
You looked up to the blonde and gave him the sincerest smile you could manage. “Yeah…” your response was off timed and almost broken and was a dead giveaway that it was a lie. You scolded yourself for your horrible acting.
“I can tell you aren’t. Mind if we talk about it?” He asked softly. Of course you couldn’t say no to him, his offer was too sincere and heartfelt.
So instead you sighed and muttered, “Okay but in private. Come into my trailer.” He nodded his head in response and followed you inside.
“Where do I even start?” This was more so a question you were asking yourself and less so him.
“If you have to start with bullet points, that's totally fine,” he offered.
You nodded in relief and began listing your current issues. “Honestly, I’m worried about Charlie. Usually he’s in a chipper mood and always there to support me but today he was off. He looked so spaced out and I haven’t seen him at all since then. I was hoping for some sort of ‘congrats’ I guess. Plus, I’m scared I may have upset him somehow.”
You had sputtered some of the words so fast it took Owen a minute to process. Your anxiety spurred out of haywire as you waited for his response. Once he finally had collected the information and put two and two together, he hadn’t even responded to what you said and instead gasped and blurted, “Oh my god, you’re in love with him aren’t you?”
You couldn't manage to handle another person figuring it out and you froze on spot. A bunch of excuses filled your thoughts but nothing ever managed to come out. So instead you drop your head and offer a small nod to the smart blonde for connecting two and two together. You weren’t the only one now silent, for Owen was now just as shocked and processing what had just happened. Both tried to come up with something to say but fell short until you decided to speak up and say, “It started as a celebrity crush when I was first introduced to the show Charmed and then spiraled as I watched JATP. Now that I’ve gotten closer to him... the feelings aren’t a simple crush anymore. I’ve been trying, and for some reason failing, to keep it on the downlow so that I don’t make things awkward...or worse, ruin what I have with Charlie.”
You sigh and grip your arms before leaning against the wall and continuing, “Today he’s been acting distant with me and I’m not sure what I did wrong.”
Owen stayed silent as you spoke and took time pondering on what he should exactly say. After all, this is a tough situation to be in. “I don’t think it’s you,” he muttered and decided to trail on, “I think he’s just being overworked. Plus he could’ve been worried about your scene looking realistic..like maybe you were genuinely mad.”
You took in his words for a second. He did have a point after all. “Also, to your feelings for him...I was shocked to hear because I assumed it wouldn’t stir up until months later. No offense but you seem to be an oblivious person and I kind of assumed you wouldn’t realize for a while.”
You chuckled and wacked his arm playfully and he laughed as a response. “I think if your feelings become too much, you should talk to someone...or him,” he advised.
“I usually just vent to Jer...and well, now you,” you confessed before finishing with, “If it gets bad I’ll consider talking to Charlie. Until then, this stays between us.”
So now two people knew. Now for Mads to find out. All it takes is for one thing to happen...a failed cast movie night. You had thought of the idea of having a movie night at your apartment with the cast as a way to have a break from set. This allowed for more group bonding without work being involved. You invited everyone, even Charlie. After all, things were fine now. It had been a few weeks since that filming day with Jeremy and at some point Charlie seemed to be alright again. You had originally chosen to drop it and it stayed that way. Now, an hour before the movie night was supposed to commence, your “movie night” group chat buzzed with notifications. Everyone had different excuses for the random bails and last minute decisions. You were disappointed to say the least but accepted the fate. You laid on the couch for a little bit before deciding to pack everything up. That was until you heard a honk come from outside. You saw the familiar vermillion Subaru and the driver’s side tinted window rolled down before a mess of brown waves shot out. The bubbly brunette had a huge smile on his face. That smile of his was contagious and before you knew it your face broke into a large smile as well. You laughed before closing the curtain and rushing to set everything back up.
Soon enough you heard a knock on your door and you hustled to go open the door for Charlie. You whipped the door open and offered the dork a smile before ushering him in. “You didn’t have to go out of your way to come here. Mainly since everyone else bailed.” You said.
He gave you an awkward smile and said, “Yeah...but I wanted to come,” scratching his hair and then finishing with, “Plus it means we can talk about the movie without anyone whining.”
You giggle at him and shake your head slightly. You made your way to the microwave and flopped your popcorn bag into it before pressing the few buttons and starting it. The buzzing sound of the microwave filled the air as you grabbed a drink from the fridge. “Hey,” you called to the brunette that had already made himself comfortable on your couch, “Is there anything specific you want to drink?”
He gave you an answer and you made sure to offer him the drink before getting the popped popcorn from the microwave. You flopped down next to him and grabbed your remote. “Okay so I’m vibing with Halloween movies right now,” You state.
He pops a few pieces of popcorn into his mouth and agrees with the genre. “How about Hocus Pocus?” He offers.
You shake your head no, “I already watched it recently.” He gave you a shocked but pleased look.
“How about….Ooo how about Halloween Town? I grew up with the movies.” You said excitedly. His smile was just as big as yours.
“I grew up watching them too!” He announced gleefully.
So now begins your hours long movie adventure with the two of you. Currently, you both had somehow managed a cuddle position, sadly deemed platonic, where you were lying along his chest and side. You could feel the thumping of his heartbeat as you rested your head in the crook of his shoulder. His breathing was relaxing and kept you from being able to focus on the movie in front of you. At some points within the movie you could feel his thumb tracing circles along your side or arm. Those moments were a lot harder to breathe during and you had a lot of mental battles to make sure you could catch your breath. The snacks were already picked through and your drinks were long forgotten as you appreciated his presence alongside you. His laugh throughout some scenes always seemed addicting to hear and you’d rather listen to that than the movie right now. He always had a smile on his face, especially right now. You both had a good laugh at the cheap SFX makeup and low quality CGI. The acting was always so cheesy but you both couldn’t help but adore the nostalgia. It was nice to have someone else admire a classic with you.
You had moments where you almost could feel his gaze along your features and it took a lot of mental strength to pretend you couldn’t feel the tingles. You were sure you were just imagining things but curiosity kept getting the better of you. So you made a quick glance up at his direction as the movie neared its end. There was a huge smile on your face from the movie moments prior to your realization. Now your eyes met those same intoxicating viridescent ones and the intimate moments began once more. You flashed him a smile before looking back at the movie before you.
At some point at the end you blurted, “You know, if this movie were re-filmed, you would be a much better love interest for the series.” To which he gives you a perplexed look before giving you a crooked grin.
“Why do you say that?” He questioned with a slanted brow.
“Well, because this wouldn’t be the first time you’d be a love interest to a witch,” you started before adding, “as well as you’re amazingly talented at acting as love interests and just acting in general.”
He broke out into a huge grin before excitedly responding, “To be honest, I’d love to star in a remake of a childhood film I enjoyed, so yeah, I wouldn’t mind. I think it’d be fun!”
You couldn’t help but feel a sense of pride to know he was just as excited at the concept but also because he agreed with you without judgement. However, you could never admit to him that you also would love to see him play one of the love interests Marnie had because you always put yourself in Marnie’s shoes.
Alas, the movie came to an end and he needed to head home for the night. Begrudgingly getting up from the couch, you both had scrambled to pick up the mess you made. After you both finished, you walked him towards the door and you guys bid each other goodbyes, making sure to ask for each other’s phone numbers in advance. You took a deep exhale once the front door shut. It felt like you had been holding in your breath for the evening. You made your way to the bathroom to do your nightly routine before eventually heading to bed. You stayed up most of the night imagining his eyes, the way his chest shifted up and down when breathing, the gentle beating of his heart in your ears, and the laugh that echoed along the walls of your apartment. These thoughts made you feel warm and whole before eventually falling into a deep sleep.
The next day was busy and filled with life as you had more scenes that needed to be filmed. A lot of the cast kept offering you smiles and seemed more chipper than normal towards you. It was eerie and you kept wondering what they knew that you didn't. You could be wrong but it just didn’t feel right. You kept wondering what everyone knew and was doing before bumping into someone. A mess of dark unruly hair flashed into your perspective and you connected the dots as to who it was. Before you could say anything, she beat you to the punch, "I heard from Charlie that you guys had a movie night together,” Madison stated, almost trying to hint at something more. You had a feeling this possibly correlated with what everyone else was wondering or knew. Great, now everyone was beginning to know of your tragic crush on your coworker.
“Oh yeah we did…” You respond with a smile and hope she’d drop it at that.
“Well? What happened? I want all the details!" Mads pressed cheekily.
You begin your woes with Charlie and how the night had played out. Expressing your admiration for the movie, the things you did together, and even the conversation you had about wanting him to play in a remake.
"The way you flirt is shameful," Madison joked.
“Huh,” You questioned. Her saying that confused you because you never said anything about flirting.
“Oh come on, it’s obvious dude,” Mads admitted while elbowing your side with a grin.
“I’m not sure what you mean, Mads,” You argued with a small smile and teasing stare.
“It’s so obvious that you like him! I just didn’t want to say anything because I thought you hadn’t realized yet.” Mads declared with a knowing smile.
It’s sad to say but she was entirely right. You were horrible from keeping your feelings hidden and her realization just proves that statement. Even so, you were getting a good laugh out of this. “Okay okay, yeah I do and yes it is,” you responded to her statements honestly.
“I knew it! I’m just waiting for the marriage proposal and babies now.” Mads responded with a mischievous grin and hearty chuckle.
You couldn’t help but burst out laughing from her honest and wide stretched ideas. You knew there was a lot of teasing coming your way from now on. You were excited to experience it though, she always offered a good laugh and had great advice. Madison was really developing as her own person and was really mature for her age. You admired that in her. It’s just a little sad that you had to get advice and even be called out by a young teen.
Weeks had passed since the whole cast and Mads situation occurred. Currently, you’ve been chatting with Charlie on the daily over the phone. Whether it be a call or simple text, you always had something to look forward to during the day. Hell, you’d get an occasional meme or tiktok sent your way. There were days when you’d even film some tiktok challenges with him for fun. You had a blast whenever he was around and the comment section of both of your accounts were constantly spammed about your guys’ chemistry. Most people were supportive of your friendship and others were quick to ship you guys. You couldn’t deny that you were flustered by the overwhelming support and fanbase sent your way. Charlie always seemed so excited to read or show you the comments that came strolling in after posting anything with you two.
There were multiple times where you’d make eye contact or your faces would be super close together. Your breath would hitch every time and it took a lot to manage your breathing to be normal. You swore up and down this man made you develop asthma. You couldn’t help it, that man took your breath away. The subtle brushes of his hand on your side or arms were never overlooked. Or the way he’d occasionally grasp your hand when directing you somewhere. You noticed all of these little things he did when he was with you. You tried to brush it off as normal but you couldn't help but hope. Mainly when there were a few romantic challenges that you’ve done together online.
The slowburn was killing you. It was near your last few weeks of filming now. You didn’t know what to expect or think anymore. He is openly intimate with anyone he cares about, so it's hard to differentiate platonic from romantic. That was, until he called you randomly on your day off asking something very important. “Hey,” you can hear a small awkward chuckle before he continues, “There's something I need to get off my chest. I’ve been waiting a while to say this...you are always the one at the back of my mind, and I was wondering if I could take you somewhere...like on a date?”
You were silent for a moment. You didn’t expect that type of question out of the blue; let alone from him. Finally you managed to muster up the courage to respond after a few moments of silence, “Uh yeah! Where would we be going and what time?”
“The first part of your question is a surprise, and 8 pm. Dress cute and comfy.” He announced with a cheerful but playful tone.
You couldn’t help but giggle at his cuteness from over the phone. “Okay, I’ll see you then,” You responded with a goofy tone before hanging up.
Now your anxiety was spiraling. You had to figure out what to wear that could fit any occasion since it's a surprise. You knew it wasn’t some fancy dinner. He was more of the spontaneous adventure type for dates, at least, that what you assumed. So instead, you go for a cute pair of jeans, a cute top and flannel, and a few accessories. You paced around your room while contemplating what would occur tonight. You had an hour before he was coming to pick you up and you were trying to buy yourself time. So, you settled for scrolling tiktok and your other social media feeds. All of your content was booming with new likes, follows, and comments. It put a huge smile on your face from all of the support you were receiving before you heard a knock on your front door.
Before you could even say anything, the brunette was already leaning against the doorway and said with the all knowing accent, “How you doin’?”
You couldn’t help but laugh while hurriedly grabbing your keys and saying, “Oh come on Charlie, that’s so cheesy. You used that as a pickup line, really?”
“Hey hey now, they’ll be plenty more before this is over. You might as well accept it,” he cheekily taunts.
While shaking your head and laughing, you make your way out the door and to his vehicle. You see him rush past you to be at the passenger side before you make it and he opens the door as you get closer. You smiled at the thoughtful action and decided not to mention it just yet. You adjusted yourself into the seat before buckling up and looking at the radio. “Hey, could I use the aux cord to play some music?” You ask quickly.
He looks over at you before nodding his head and handing you the cord. You plug it into your phone before shuffling through your playlists to pick a song. All the while Charlie is pulling out of the apartment complex parking zone. Soon you finally manage to pick a song and immediately click it. You adjusted the volume while waiting for the first tune to come out. Soon enough the song began. “Ba ba da da. Ba ba da da. Ba ba da da. Ba ba da da. Ba ba da da”
You were already goofily singing along and tapping the beat along the dashboard. Soon enough the singing began, “Take a look at my girlfriend. She's the only one I got (ba ba da da) Not much of a girlfriend; I never seem to get a lot (ba ba da da, ba ba da da). It's been some time since we last spoke. This is gonna sound like a bad joke, but momma I fell in love again. It's safe to say I have a new girlfriend.”
He was staring at you as he sang along to the lyrics; never breaking eye contact as the song continued. You wondered what it would be like to be called his girlfriend and introduced to his family. You’d never met them before but you hear amazing stories all the time from the bubbly brunette beside you.
“And I know it sounds so old, but cupid got me in a chokehold, and I'm afraid I might give in. Towels on the mat my white flag is wavin'. I mean she even cooks me pancakes and Alka Seltzer when my tummy aches. If that ain't love then I don't know what love is.”
You pondered what it would be like to have breakfast with him or to be around on his sick days. Those were vulnerable moments in a person’s life and it made you crave that even more.
“We even got a secret handshake”
You guys did have a ‘secret’ handshake. It originated sometime during a tiktok because you thought it would be a great filler moment for one of the videos.
“And she loves the music that my band makes”
You adored JATP and Sunset Curve. You listened to the first season’s Now or Never on repeat. You adored anything that had to do with his voice, honestly. Some of his covers on tiktok and Instagram were shamelessly saved. You’d go back and listen to them when you needed a “pick me up.”
“I know I'm young but if I had to choose her or the sun, I'd be one nocturnal son of a gun.”
It was true. If any moments with him meant losing time in the day, it was well worth it. Even so, you both were screaming along to these lyrics and had huge smiles the entire time. The chorus played out the speakers and along the walls of the car once more before continuing with, “It's been a while since we talked last and I'm tryin' hard not to talk fast, but dad I'm finally thinkin' I may have found the one. Type of girl that will make you way proud of your son.”
God, you crave the acceptance of his family. It was eating at you constantly. You weren’t even dating the guy yet and already worried for the day you had to prove yourself to the family that helped him become the man he is today. That’s a lot to handle for someone mentally, mainly if they don’t end up liking you. They’re his flesh and blood and you’d never want to come between that.
“And I know you heard the last song about the girls that didn't last long, but I promise this is on a whole new plane. I can tell by the way she says my name (ba ba da da)”
You pondered for a moment who he might have dated and his love life in general. After all, were you his normal type? Do you have an effect on him? You brushed away the thought as the next lyrics played, “I love it when she calls my phone. She even got her very own ringtone. If that ain't love then I don't know what love is (ba ba da da)”
You smiled at the thought of him possibly looking forward to your random calls about whatever you were thinking about at the moment. You were always excited to receive a call from him. You’d always hear the ringtone for him which was currently set to ‘Yellow’ by Coldplay. After all, he was your yellow. But you did wonder what yours might’ve been on his. Hell, knowing him he’d probably just left it to the generic tone or a funny one.
“It's gonna be a long drive home but I know as soon as I arrive home, and I open the door, take off my coat and throw my bag on the floor. She'll be back into my arms once more for sure.”
You wished for the day you were together and could experience that level of comfort. Hoping for the day you could come home from a tiring day at work and just bask in the comfort of your partner’s arms. You imagined it for a little while longer while the chorus continued once again. You couldn’t help but space out and daydream for a different time. You knew Charlie was probably looking at you like you were crazy for spacing out randomly but you couldn’t seem to break your thoughts away.
“She's got a smile that would make the most senile, annoying old man bite his tongue. I'm not done. She's got eyes comparable to sunrise and it doesn't stop there. Man, I swear, she's got porcelain skin of course she's a 10, and now she's even got her own song. But movin' on, she's got the cutest laugh I ever heard and we can be on the phone for three hours; not sayin' one word. And I would still cherish every moment, and when I start to build my future she's the main component. Call it dumb, call it luck, call it love, or whatever you call it but everywhere I go I keep her picture in my wallet like here.”
You were still in your own little thoughts while these lyrics played. Even when spaced out, you could still see the figure beside you absolutely jamming along to the lyrics like he meant every word. He was so expressive and happy as he sang along. He was in his element and you adored it. You slowly stopped spacing out and focused on the man beside you as he continued to sing along.
Charlie stopped at the red light, just as the last few moments of the chorus played along in the background. You were belting along again and acting out the lyrics in your own charming way. Your hair illuminated from the sun’s warm glare and your skin was shining in an almost ethereal-like way. Your body language screamed serenity and fluidity. He couldn’t help but be enraptured by your free spirit. His gaze was solely focused on you as you sang along, almost as if he was scared to look away for he’d miss a single moment of you. Both parties could feel the positivity and connection radiating off each other. As the song neared its end, you sat back breathless from your little show-stopping performance. You finally turned back to Charlie and you couldn’t help but feel a little embarrassed by his expression. It was pure awe and it made you feel flustered. His stare was piercing and shined with adoration. His smile was wider than any other moment you’ve ever experienced with him.
“Why are you staring at me like that?” You asked with a bashful smile while brushing a strand of hair behind your ear.
He chuckled before responding, “Can’t I just admire you for a second? I don’t see this often.”
You were confused by his statement at first, that was until you realized what his words truly meant. You had shown a part of yourself that others rarely see, the goofy and open side. Yes, you goofed around with friends and cast members but you still had your timid or closed-off self. However, this is the side of yourself that oozed confidence, and only he got to experience it at this moment. Which was something you’d both treasure from this moment forward. You’d thankfully managed to notice the light had turned green in the nick of time.
“C, the light is green!” You warned but had a huge smile on your face as you said so.
“I know,” he said teasingly while staring at you for a moment longer before driving once more.
You pulled up to the park where you could almost make out something in the distance. It appeared to be a few things laying out on the grass. One of those things being a square shape, probably a blanket. Putting two and two together, you realized it was a picnic date. Your heart swelled at the wholesome idea and admired him for the effort. You hadn’t even seen the entire setup and were already swooning. You look up at him and give him a lovesick smile before he quickly shuffled out of the door and ran to your side. He was a helpless romantic and believed chivalry wasn’t dead. So being the gentleman he was, he opened the door for you and offered you his hand so it would be easier to leave the Subaru. You giggle and say, “such a gentleman.”
He flashes you another smile before saying, “You deserve the world. I may not be able to offer much, but for you, I’ll do anything.”
Your heart felt like it was beating out of your chest at the response he gave you. It wasn’t something you were used to from him. It was endearing, to say the least. You both made your way to your picnic spot. A soft blanket and cute basket were laying out. There was even a bouquet of your favorite flowers and his guitar laying along the grass. All of your favorite snacks and drinks were inside the basket. You were giddy as you looked at everything before you. “This is so sweet, C.” you gushed.
“I wanted to prove to you that I take your heart seriously and that I care.” He seemed shy while he spoke but his eyes were open and honest. He meant every word.
“You have nothing to prove, that you haven’t already, Gillespie.” You teased while softly punching his arm.
He playfully hit back as he responded, “I know but I still wanted to.”
“Fair. Okay, what do you want to do?” You asked.
The poor guy blanked for a moment. He seemed at a loss at your question. “Honestly, I’m not sure. I didn’t think I’d get this far,” he admitted.
You laughed before asking, “Why’s that?”
He chuckled before his face switched to a more serious note, “I always thought of you as unobtainable. You were so interesting and motivated and open to others. I didn’t know if you saw me as anything more than a friend. It started as an attraction but soon I had gotten really close with you and it developed into more. By then I was scared that if I said something, I could lose you.”
You were frozen. You didn’t anticipate this type of response. After all, these are only things you’d experience in fanfiction. It made you feel special. If it wasn’t for the fact that you were in public, you’d probably cry. You’d been dying to hear his side and now you finally have.
“In all honesty, I felt the same way. That you were unattainable, that is.” You responded while looking down.
You kept peering down at the blanket before feeling his hand cup your cheek and tilting your head up. Your eyes met his own before the question left his lips, “And why’s that?” By now if any oxygen was entering your lungs, you damn well couldn’t feel it. His gaze was paralyzing and it took a few moments for you to break away from it. You shifted back a bit to give your heart the break it needed before finally speaking up, “Because. You are you. This lovable and goofy guy. You are adventurous and never take no for an answer. You push others to be their best. You never speak of romance and you always seemed more interested in popular celebrities.”
He chuckled at your response. “Hey! Don’t laugh at me, this is embarrassing to admit,” You whined. You tried to hide the small smile making its way onto your face.
“I’m not laughing at you. Just at the thought that we both thought the other wasn’t interested. I mean come on! Oh, and hey, never be embarrassed to be open with me. I say embarrassing things and do embarrassing things all the time.” He opened up.
“Okay, so what’s one thing you are embarrassed to admit?” You asked curiously. The question honestly intrigued you and his response even more so. Plus, it made it easier to avoid continuing the awkward things you said prior.
“I may have tipped everyone off to not come to your movie night months ago so I could finally have alone time with you,” He answered honestly. You were shocked by two things in that sentence; his boldness and that he had done something like that to gain your attention.
“If you wanted to spend time with me, all you had to do was ask!” you shrieked before pushing his shoulder playfully.
You both were laughing and enjoying the honesty. You never expected him to be the sneaky type and plan something like that. However, it did make a lot of sense looking back. Now it was time for him to ask something, and of course, he continued the intimate questionnaires. “Why did you choose to come with me tonight?” he asked curiously.
He seemed invested by your answer but you could tell by his body language that he was a little antsy. He was brushing his arms and shifting his legs a lot while he waited for you to answer. “I thought, well, for once in my life I should make a decision for myself that would be adventurous, put me out of my comfort zone, and just to let me be happy. I didn’t expect you to ever actually ask me out, but I’m glad you did.” You answered honestly.
He seemed bewildered by your response but still broke out into his heart-stopping grin. You really did know how to blow the man away every time you showed another side of yourself. The questions continued for what seemed like hours and it was now dark out. Even so, the conversation was just as lively and Charlie couldn’t help but stare at you. Your eyes were sparkling from the night’s ever glowing moon. He could only gaze at your face and appreciate your features; your lashes hiding the gleam in your eyes and the soft crinkles of your lids. A hearty chuckle belted out of those lips; the ones he so desperately wanted to kiss. As you continued to banter for the rest of the night, he could never manage to tear his eyes away from your face and he liked it that way.
As the conversation continued and got more intimate so did your closeness. Now, his lips are mere centimeters from you; feeling his breath ghost your lips...and all you could manage to describe this moment as is intoxicating. His eyes drifted longingly between your lips and eyes before you could just barely feel his lips lift into a smirk. Just then when all else felt like it had disappeared around you and the pale moonlight lit up your figures, he grasped your waist and the impossible became possible as his hand gripped you and pulled you into a kiss; one that ignited something inside of you, inside of himself. Others always described having the kiss from “the one” as fireworks but in reality, it felt different. Fireworks are quick and go out just as they start...this was something entirely more addicting. You’d describe this kiss as tingly, but not the type of tingles you feel when cold, instead, something that engulfs your entire body and you can’t help but feel weak to it. You fall prey to the feeling of warmth and lightheadedness it offers. All the while trying to manage to gasp for air while you can hear your heart beating in your ears. You were almost entirely sure he could probably feel your heart beating out of your chest. “Maybe sometimes slow burn is okay for the plot,” you thought to yourself while still locking lips with the Canadian actor. Was it simply luck that caused you to meet him that fateful day...or was it the universe giving you the answers you needed all your life? The answer is...your spark.
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notaspywrites · 3 years
Text
Don’t Tell Me - part three
It’s all or nothing now. 
Saturday is rapidly approaching and the team is still scrambling to track down the person behind it all, as well as come up with a plan to stop half of Berlin’s high society from going up in smoke. Will they hold firm or will the team crumble at the first taste of pressure? 
Warnings:  mentions of terrorism, depictions of violence, mentions of bombs, explosions, guns, smoking, swearing and descriptions of panic and anxiety attacks.
Word count for part three: 5,263
Author’s note: Welcome back to Team Black! My sincere apologies for the very late update, life always seems to get in the way but we’re getting right down to the wire now! I hope you enjoy this week’s update, another short one but the fourth and final part coming next week! As ever, thank you for reading! - not-a-spy
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Okay team!” Nils said cheerfully, walking into the tiny basement conference room with yet another massive iced coffee in his hand. “How are we feeling about tomorrow?”
Maurice groaned. “Not great.” 
“You are such a downer, Maurice!” Cipriana laughed, taking a sip of her own iced coffee. “I think we’re about as prepared as we can be.”
“Which isn’t exactly very prepared.” Maurice shot back. “We’re still down Vicky, and have only had a few days to try and get this, frankly, massive operation off of the ground. Besides, we’re basically down two agents because Chalice, no offense, doesn’t really count.” 
Chalice cracked a wry smile. “None taken.”
“You forget that we have the BND guys helping us out.” Nils said, taking a seat at the small table. “It won’t be so bad.”
Adalie frowned. “Maurice does have a point. I’ve taken a look at the plans for the hotel and that building is massive. We won’t have nearly enough people to cover all of the areas.”
“That’s why the plan isn’t to cover all of the areas.” Nils said. “We’ll have agents on the main floor of the ball, as well as some behind the scenes so we can get to wherever they may plant the bomb. Or bombs, I suppose. And I’m going to get one of the BND boys to trail Seidel.”
“Where will you be?” Chalice asked. 
“In the van, outside.” Nils said. “I’ll keep in touch throughout the whole thing and I’m going to also have control of their security system, so I’ll be able to keep track of where everyone is and who is coming and going.”
“What about us?” Harmon asked, pushing open the door to the conference room and letting Gatsby step through first. 
”Ah, Harmon, nice of you to join us.” Nils said. “I was just running through some rough plans for tomorrow night. As for the pair of you, I want you, Harmon, on the ground in the ball with us and Gatsby out tailing Seidel.”
Gatsby nodded.
“You don’t think Seidel will be there?” Adalie asked. “After all, it will be quite the social occasion.” 
Nils shook his head. “Nope. He’ll be staying as far away as he can, even if it does raise a few eyebrows.”
“But we don’t think Seidel is in charge, do we?” Owens spoke up, his voice quiet. 
“No.” Chalice said. “He distinctly mentioned a boss, though I have no idea who that could be. Do we have any ideas on that yet, Nils?”
Nils took another sip of his iced coffee. “Not as of right now, but I’ve been doing plenty of digging. And obviously, the first suspect would be Seidel’s father, since I would assume that he’s the one who covered Seidel’s previous.”
“You’re pointing the finger at the Chief Constable?” Harmon stared at him in disbelief. 
Nils held his hands up. “No, no, hear me out. I said he would be the first suspect. I’ve done a lot of digging into his past and there’s nothing there that rings any alarm bells for me. In fact, he’s got a pretty decent record.”
“Okay.” Harmon grinned. “You had me worried for a second.”
“So, its not the Chief Constable.” Nils continued. “In fact, I am of the opinion that it isn’t anyone from within the police force.”
“What makes you think that?” Adalie asked. 
“Well, I’ve been through just about everyone and no one else has the same kind of background as Seidel.” Nils said. “But the biggest thing is Seidel’s phone records. There’s one number that he’s been in almost constant contact with and, from what I can find, it isn’t registered to anyone within the police force or with any kind of connection to the force.”
“Do we know who the number belongs to?” Cipriana asked. 
Nils shook his head. “Not yet. I’ve run into some issues, but I’m working on it. I have it narrowed down.”
“When will you know?” Owens asked softly. 
Nils shrugged. “I honestly have no idea, Owens. But I’m working on it.”
“So, what are we doing for today?” Maurice asked. “Is there anything we can do to help track down the leader, or are we working on something else?”
“As soon as I find out who the number belongs to, you’ll be helping me. Until then, I want you to take a look at the floor plans of the hotel, see where they might plant the bomb, or bombs.” Nils said, picking up his iced coffee and moving towards the door to his makeshift office. 
“What about us?” Harmon asked. “Are we doing the same thing?”
“Actually,” Nils paused, “I want the pair of you to take a look through some of your files and see if there’s anyone who might stand out as Seidel’s boss.”
Harmon nodded. “Right.”
“Is there anything in particular we should be on the lookout for?” Gatsby asked quietly. “Any indicators?”
“Anyone with clear connections to terrorist organizations would be a good place to start.” Nils said. “If they have a criminal record with any terrorism related charges then that’s someone I would dig into further. Other than that, I would be on the lookout for people who are very vocal about radical causes or views.”
Gatsby nodded. “Okay.”
“Adalie can help you out.” Nils said, gesturing towards her with his iced coffee. 
She nodded curtly. “Of course.”
“Do you want us to formulate a plan for where us agents should be positioned as well?” Maurice asked. 
Nils nodded. “Yeah, that’s absolutely a good idea. Just get an idea of where the best places to be positioned would be.”
Maurice nodded. “Okay.”
Nils glanced around at the team, his hand on the door handle. For the most part, everyone looked tired but ready to go, except perhaps Cipriana, who had consumed almost as much coffee as him. His eyes landed on Owens. Owens’ eyes were glazed over, fixed on something only he could see. Nils didn’t think he had heard a single word of the briefing. After talking to Vicky, he was incredibly worried about putting Owens out in the field. Chalice could handle himself, he was sure of that, but he wasn’t nearly as sure about Owens. 
Nils pushed the door open but hesitated before stepping out of the conference room. “And, Chalice?”
Chalice glanced up at him. “Hmm?”
“If your hair is still gray tomorrow, there’ll be hell to pay.” There was a mischievous twinkle in Nils’ eyes. 
Chalice groaned. “Yes, sir.”
Nils laughed. “Good. I’m sorry, for the record.”
Chalice rolled his eyes. “You are not.”
Nils took another sip of his iced coffee, still grinning mischievously. “I’ll see you all later.”
*****
Maurice knocked on the door to Nils’ makeshift office, balancing a tray of coffees in one hand. Nils had his headphones on and didn’t glance up so Maurice stepped inside, tapping Nils gently on his shoulder. Nils jumped violently, knocking off his headphones and almost upending the coffees in the process. 
“Jesus!” Nils laughed. “Don’t sneak up on people like that, you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Maurice set the coffees down on Nils’ desk. “To be fair, I did knock.”
“Did you?” Nils laughed. “Oh. Nevermind then.”
“Mm.” Maurice frowned at him, handing him a large iced coffee. “Made any progress yet?”
Nils shrugged. “Not really. I’m a little bit stuck at the moment but I’m digging myself out of that hole.”
“Anything I can do to help?” Maurice asked. 
Nils shook his head. “Nope. Carry on with the floor plans and I’ll let you know when I have something.”
Maurice sighed. “How are you feeling about tomorrow? I get the feeling you’re a little, cautious, if not worried.”
Nils paused for a moment before taking a sip of his iced coffee. “I am worried, to be honest. I don’t think Owens is up to it.”
“Owens is our best agent.” Maurice said. 
“He’s our best agent on paper.” Nils corrected him. 
“He was damn good in the field at Checkpoint Charlie.” Maurice said. “I don’t think you should doubt him so much.”
Nils frowned. “He may be good at hiding it but Checkpoint Charlie took a lot out of him. I don’t know if he can handle it anymore.”
“What does Vicky think?” Maurice asked. 
“Vicky thinks I should pull him.” Nils said quietly. 
Maurice started. “Seriously?”
“Yes. She thinks that putting him in the field could be dangerous.”
“But we need him in the field!” Maurice said emphatically. “We won’t be able to cover everything with just the four of us plus the BND agents. Especially since Chalice isn’t trained.”
“Agreed.” Nils said. “Which is why I’m keeping him in the field for tomorrow. We can’t lose agents right now.”
“Do you think it could be dangerous?” Maurice asked, fiddling with the sleeve of his coffee cup. 
Nils shrugged. “I don’t know, Maurice, I really don’t. I like to think that Owens would be able to keep his head enough to not endanger himself or the rest of the team, but I can’t know for sure.”
“Of course not.” Maurice said. “To be honest, I would be more worried about Chalice.”
“Chalice has a good head on his shoulders.” Nils said. “He’ll be fine.”
“You seriously think Chalice will keep a level head where Owens is concerned?” Maurice asked incredulously. “He’ll lose it if anything goes wrong.”
Nils shook his head dismissively. “Chalice will be fine.”
Maurice opened his mouth to protest but Nils stopped him with a quick hand signal. 
“Hang on, I’ve got something.” Nils said, turning his full attention back to his computer, his fingers flying over the keys. 
Maurice leant over his shoulder, trying to make sense of what was on Nils’ screen. “You have a name?” 
“I might.” Nils said. He leant back in his chair suddenly, raising his arms in triumph. “There he is! That’s our guy.”
The mugshot of a middle aged man with long blond hair had just popped onto the screen. He had a slight smirk on his face as he looked directly into the camera. Maurice shuddered. There was an air of malice about the man.
Nils continued. “His name is Ryker Haas and he was part of the same group that Seidel was associated with in his youth. When Seidel left to join the police force, Haas took the helm. He’s got quite the extensive record but he’s never been in prison which, if I had to guess, is probably Seidel’s doing.” 
“And this is our guy?” Maurice asked. 
“Almost certainly.” Nils said. 
“Almost?”
“Almost.” Nils repeated. “The phone is a throwaway, so I can’t be 100% certain that it belongs to Haas, but I’m about 99% sure.”
“Do you have enough to bring him in?” Maurice asked. 
Nils shook his head. “No. What I have is almost all circumstantial. We would need to put him at the scene of one of the shootings, Checkpoint Charlie or at the ball tomorrow and I would hazard that he’s too smart for that.”
Maurice scrunched up his face in concentration. “Are you sure about that? You don’t think he would want to see the aftermath of his handiwork?”
Nils shrugged. “I don’t think so but I’m a technical analyst, not a mind reader. I have no idea what this guy could be thinking. I just know that if I were him, I’d be well on my way out of the country by now.”
Maurice opened his mouth to speak but Nils cut him off. 
“And before you say anything, I’ve already put an alert out. If he tries to leave, I’ll be the first person to know.”
“I thought you said we couldn’t arrest him?”
“We can’t.” Nils said. “No one is going to arrest him, they’re just going to tell me if he makes a move. If anyone tries to stop him from leaving, he’ll probably alert Seidel and the rest of them and then we’ll lose the whole lot, which we don’t want.”
Maurice nodded. “Right. So what do we do now?” 
“We wait.” Nils said. “We gather as much information as we can about Haas, Seidel and whoever else we think is working with them, but we can’t do anything until tomorrow night.”
“We’d better get back to work then.”
*****
Chalice frowned at himself in the mirror, toying unhappily with his newly dyed brown hair. He missed the grey already. He’d never looked good with brown hair and the fancy suit certainly wasn’t helping. He rolled his shoulders uncomfortably, adjusting the collar. He wasn’t used to wearing his shirts done up all the way and he felt rather as if he was being strangled, especially with the ugly lilac tie. The piercings were missing too, which made him feel oddly naked. He screwed his face up, glaring at his reflection. Momentarily, he debated leaving, going back to the hotel, changing into a pair of jeans and going to sit in the van with Nils. But the team needed him. Giving his hair one last disapproving tug, he walked out of the bathroom.
The team was meeting in the conference room in the basement of the BND building, anxiously waiting out the last few hours before the mission really started. Actually, he should have been here almost an hour ago but he had spent too much time trying to figure out a way to wear a suit and still look even vaguely attractive. He had given up. He pulled open the door to the conference room and stepped through, letting it slam shut behind him. The team, plus the two BND agents he had met already and a few others that he didn’t recognize, were scattered around the small room.
“Can we help you?” Nils barely glanced at him as he spoke, turning immediately back to the glass board.
Chalice didn’t answer.
Owens was sitting at the table partially facing him, leaning back in his chair with one heel on the edge of his chair and the other leg dangling in front of him. His auburn hair was slicked back from his forehead, sweeping backwards away from his face so that Chalice could see his freckles for once. He wore a tailored white tuxedo set, a distinct contrast to his usual ill-fitting suits, and Chalice found himself unable to speak for a moment. Owens turned to look at him and Chalice caught a rare glimpse of his emerald eyes.
“You changed your hair.” Owens sounded almost disappointed as he spoke and it took Chalice a second to pull himself back to reality.  
Nils looked away from his board. “Oh shit! I honestly did not recognize you. You look good!”
Chalice frowned at him, tearing his eyes away from Owens. “That’s a lie and you know it.”
“It’s not entirely a lie.” Nils turned to Owens. “I’m the one who forced him to dye his hair.”
Owens glanced back at Chalice and scrunched his face up. “I don’t like it.”
His eyes flicked away from Chalice’s hair for a second, appraising him. “I like the outfit though. Looks good.” 
Owens turned away. Chalice’s heart thundered in his chest. The words had been delivered so casually that he wasn’t entirely sure what the intention was. Chalice stood for a second, frozen in place. Nils caught his eyes, and raised his eyebrows suggestively. Chalice glared at him and took a seat at the table next to Owens. 
“Are we all here?” Gatsby asked.
“Uh…” Nils looked away from the glass board, taking in the room, “no, not yet. We’re still missing Adalie.”
Cipriana snorted with laughter. “Nils, I’ll bet you 5 pounds that she shows up in a pair of pants instead of that stupid short skirt.”
Nils grinned. “You’re on!”
Cipriana held out her hand and Nils shook it. Chalice looked over at Owens and rolled his eyes, earning a smile in return. 
“So!” Harmon clapped his hands together. “Other than your missing agent, is everything ready for this evening?”
Nils nodded. Chalice noticed that he looked drawn and pale, with prominent dark circles under his eyes. He wondered how much he had slept. 
“Yeah, everything is set. I’ll be in the van outside, coordinating everything, Owens and Adalie will be behind the scenes and the rest of you will be mingling with the guests.” Nils said, looking around the room. “Harmon, where’s your suit?”
Harmon sighed. “It’s in my locker.”
Nils laughed. “Listen, if Chalice here has to wear a suit, then you do too. Go get changed.”
“You aren’t wearing a suit.” Harmon complained. 
“No, I am not. But I will not be inside the ball.”
Harmon sighed and reluctantly left the room, holding the door open for Adalie as she entered. She was scowling and wearing a neat white blouse with a short black skirt and a white apron. Nils grinned at Cipriana, who was sitting at the table, her mouth agape.
“You owe me five pounds.” He said triumphantly.
“How...how on earth did you manage that?” Cipriana stuttered, handing a five pound note over to Nils as she spoke. 
“The art of persuasion.” He grinned, handing the note directly to Adalie.
“Art of bribery more like.” She mumbled angrily, smoothing down the skirt. “This get-up is absolutely ridiculous. I don’t see why I have to play the waitress while she gets to dress up in that fancy ball gown.”
Adalie gestured at Cipriana’s long green gown. Cipriana grinned at her, smoothing down her ball gown. 
“Because we need you behind the scenes with Owens. You’ll have the harder task because I know that you can handle it.”
Adalie glared at him. “Flattery will get you nowhere.”
Nils nodded at her attire. “It got you into that skirt. Now, we really must move on from this. Once Harmon gets back, we’ll be ready to move.”
Harmon stepped back into the room, still tying his tie. “I’m here. Where’s Gatsby? Is he not coming with us?”
“He’s already out, he’s following Seidel.” Nils said. “As of right now, Haas hasn’t moved as far as we know, but we’ll keep an eye on him.”
“We?” Maurice asked. 
“Yes, I’m borrowing the BND’s junior tech analyst for the evening.” Nils said, nodding towards a young man standing in the corner of the conference room. “We also have agents Altergott, Woertz and Thyen joining us. They’ll be on the floor at the ball along with Cipriana, Chalice, Maurice and Harmon. Adalie and Owens, you two are going to be behind the scenes. Myself and Gerber will be outside in the van and we’ll be in constant radio contact with all of you.”
“Do we think they’re going to plant and run or will they stick around?” Cipriana asked. 
Adalie glanced over at Nils before responding. “I would assume they’ll stick around, to make sure things go according to plan. Especially after Checkpoint Charlie.”
Nils nodded. “Definitely. But I would be surprised if Seidel shows up at all.”
Adalie frowned. “But this is a major political fundraiser and he’s the son of the Chief Commissioner. Surely it would look weird if he didn’t show?”
“He’ll have come up with an excuse of some kind, I’m sure.” Nils said. “But Gatsby is on his tail, so if you turn out to be right, Adalie, we’ll have advanced warning.”
Adalie gave a satisfied nod. “Okay, good.”
Nils glanced down at his watch. “Owens and Adalie, you two need to get a move on.  I’ve put your names down as Karl Higgins and Felicia Malay. You’re to go in by the staff entrance and sniff around until you think you can slip away. Get into the basement if possible, that’s probably where they’ll plant the bomb. And keep an eye out for anyone suspicious.”
Adalie nodded again, getting up from her seat. 
“Right.” Owens got up elegantly from his chair and gently smoothed down his white suit jacket. He left the room behind Adalie, flashing a smile at Chalice as he did so.
“What about the rest of us?” Maurice asked. 
“The rest of you don’t need to leave for another half an hour.” Nils said, picking another iced coffee off of the table. “Harmon, you’ll be there under the name of Leon Becker, a journalist, meaning you have a right to be nosy and irritating. Maurice, you’ll be there under the name of Fynn Muller, a rich aristocrat recently moved back to Germany from France.”
Harmon grinned. “Wonderful.”
“And you two,” Nils smirked at Chalice and Cipriana, “Are Mr and Mrs Hahn, another wealthy couple.You’ve put a lot of money into the police and Emil is very interested in politics, so you’ll be asking a lot of questions about the people there and what they do.”
Chalice glared at him. Cipriana tried desperately to suppress her laughter. Maurice coughed loudly, choking on his laughter and coughing more.
“Are we just glossing over the fact he said ‘Mr and Mrs?’” Chalice asked, gesturing at Nils. 
Cipriana giggled. “Why? Don’t fancy getting married?”
“No offence Cipriana, but not to you.”
Cipriana laughed. 
Chalice turned and frowned playfully at Nils. “First you get me to change my hair, and now you’re asking me to pretend to be straight, too? There’s only so much a man can sacrifice for his job.”
Maurice burst out laughing. 
Nils grinned. “Sorry Chalice, if you want to be an agent, you’ll have to get used to pretending to be someone you aren’t.” 
Chalice rolled his eyes. “Okay, fine. Just this once.”
“Thank you.” Nils said. 
Cipriana giggled. 
“Okay!” Nils clapped his hands together, downing the last of his iced coffee and grabbing his jacket off the back of a chair. “I need to get going and get myself set up in the van. Gerber’s going to be coming with me to help coordinate everything. You guys still have about 20 minutes or so before the doors open so you can, uh, just chill out here until the limos arrive. Oh, and please make sure that all of your mics and earpieces are working before you leave. I don’t want anyone getting cut off, not tonight.”
Maurice frowned at him. “Wait, did you say limos?”
“What, you thought you were just going to roll up in police cars? Come on Maurice, I don’t want to have to send you back to the hospital for brain damage.”
Maurice glared.
“We should get going, sir.” A small voice piped up from the corner. The BND’s junior tech analyst had pushed himself away from the wall and stood in the corner of the room, wringing his hands. 
“Of course!” Nils said, flinging on his jacket and tossing his empty coffee cup into the garbage. “And please don’t call me ‘sir,’ Gerber, I don’t deserve it.”
“Uh yes, okay, um, okay.” Gerber said, quickly leaving the room. Nils followed.
“I’ll see you guys later. Don’t do anything stupid!” Nils said, waving at them as he left.
*****     
“So, what exactly is it that you do, Mr. Haider?” Chalice asked casually, taking a sip from his glass of wine. Cipriana stood next to him, her hand resting gently on his elbow, her eyes focused on nothing in particular. In short, she perfectly filled the role of the bored wife. 
Haider gave a dangerous smile. “Oh, you know. I’m a politician, I work closely with the German police most of the time. It’s quite boring, really.”
“You work with the police?” Chalice pressed. “Then surely you must know Seidel.”
 Haider tilted his head to one side, suspiciously. “Naturally. I know both of them quite well. How do you-”
Chalice cut him off. “Oh, my wife and I work quite closely with the police. I know the younger Seidel very well.”
“Ah, right.” Haider relaxed visibly. “Yes, Seidel the younger is very interesting. He’s got some brilliant ideas, I’m sure you’ve heard them.” 
Cipriana and Chalice shared a quick glance. 
“Some of them, certainly.” Chalice smiled. “I’m sure you’ve heard more than I have. My wife and I don’t quite run in the same circles, you know.”
Haider gave a mirthless chuckle. “Of course. Well, if you have a moment, I’d be very happy to discuss them with you.”
Chalice smiled. “Oh, that would be excellent, if you don’t mind.”
Cipriana coughed delicately. “I’m going to get a glass of wine, dear, I’ll be right back.”
Slipping her arm out of Chalice’s, she quickly made her way out of the main ballroom away towards the bar. On her way, she slid out of the backdoor of the hotel. 
“Nils?” She whispered into her earpiece.
“How’s it going?” Nils asked. “How’s Chalice working out as the perfect husband?”
She giggled. “I wouldn’t marry him. But I’d say it’s going pretty well. I’ve just left Chalice alone with some young politician that I think might be one of Seidel’s men, hopefully Chalice will be able to get some more out of him. His name is Haider, if you’re interested.” 
“Right.” Nils fell silent for a moment and Cipriana could just barely hear the sounds of keys clacking through the earpiece. “Ah, okay I have him. You could be right about him, Cipriana. Good work!”
“Thank you!” Cipriana said. “How’s the van going? You sound tense.”
“Both Haas and Seidel are on the move.” Nils said. “Gatsby has eyes on Seidel but I don’t have anyone trailing Haas and I’m worried we’ll lose him.”
“Where’s he headed?” Cipriana asked. 
“The airport. I have no idea what his plan is beyond that.” 
“Right.” Cipriana glanced down at her watch. “The speeches are due to start in about fifteen minutes or so, if I were our guys, then I’d probably strike then, I mean, everyone will be in one spot.”
“Okay. I’ll let Owens and Adalie know. And Cipriana, can you do me a favour?”
“Uh huh. What d’you need?”
“Keep an eye on Chalice please.”
“Uh, yeah, of course. Why?”
Nils sighed. “He’s a little too eager to impress. I’m worried that he’ll go too far and do something stupid. He’s not a trained agent, Cipriana and if he does something that puts this mission in jeopardy, then I’m fucked.”
“Okay. I’ll keep an eye on him then.”
“Thanks.” Nils said. The line went silent and Cipriana quickly made her way back to the ballroom, grabbing a glass of wine from Adalie on her way in. She winked at Adalie, who only glared at her in response. 
When she got back into the ballroom, Chalice was nowhere to be seen. She swore under her breath and made a beeline for the young politician that they had been talking to earlier. 
“Hi!” she said cheerfully. He turned around.
“Hi. Are you also interested in Seidel’s ideas?” He smiled charmingly at her.
She put on her best condescending smile. “Oh no. That’s my husband’s thing. Have you seen him, by the way? I’m not sure where he’s gotten to.”
He shook his head. “I think he went to look for you. You were gone for rather a long time. We finished our discussion and then he wandered off in that direction.”
He waved his hand vaguely behind his shoulders, the opposite direction that she had gone when she left. She resisted the urge to swear out loud. 
“Oh. Well, thank you very much.” She grinned. “I’m sure I’ll see you later.”
She slipped away, moving hurriedly in the direction that the man had indicated. She should have listened to Adalie, Chalice was much too reckless to be on an important mission like this. He was eager to impress and, knowing him, he’d do whatever it took to prove himself as an agent. She just hoped that he wouldn’t get himself into any real danger. She reached a set of rear stairs and ran up them as fast as the heels and the excessively long skirt would allow. Chalice had to have come this way, there was no other way he could have gone. She hiked the dress up to her knees, only letting it drop back to the floor once she reached the second floor. The hallway was dark, the lights off, and it was lined with wooden doors, all of which were closed. She swore, out loud this time, but in Greek, in case anyone was listening who shouldn’t be. This was going to be impossible. Chalice would have to figure out his own mess. 
She turned around and sideled back into the ballroom, scanning the room for any sign of Chalice. She couldn’t see him anywhere, but she did catch sight of Maurice, standing alone on the far side of the room. She made her way towards him, quickly. 
“Look for the man with the blue suit and silver tie. He’s with Seidel.” She whispered into his ear as she slid past him. He nodded nonchalantly, taking a dainty sip of his champagne. She checked her watch. 5 minutes until the speeches started. 
“Adalie, Owens, you guys have 5 minutes to the speeches.” Nils’ voice echoed down her earpiece. She watched as the man in the silver tie peered into the ballroom before sneaking away into the hotel. She frowned at him and met eyes with Maurice, inclining her head in the direction the man had just gone. He nodded and moved to follow him
“Yeah, we’re downstairs.” Adalie said, her voice clipped.
“Good. How’s it going?” Nils asked.
“We’ve found the bomb.” Adalie barked. “They’ve planted and run, Nils.” 
“Shit.” Nils mumbled, and Cipriana could hear his keyboard clacking on the other side of the line. 
“Where's the bomb squad?” Adalie asked. 
“They’ve been held up somehow.” Nils’ voice was shaking. “Fuck, Adalie, they aren’t going to get here in time. Are you two going to be able to handle this?”
As if they really had a choice, Cipriana thought. They would have to handle it, somehow.
“We’re gonna have to.” Adalie said. “Owens has bomb training.”
“Okay, alright.” Cipriana could tell that Nils was trying desperately to stay calm. “Cipriana, how are you and Chalice getting on?”
She swore under her breath. “Chalice has run off somewhere. I’m so sorry Nils, I was following some guy I thought could be working with Seidel.”
“Okay. Okay, whatever, we can’t worry about him right now. Maurice, Harmon, what about you guys?” 
There was a faint buzz as someone’s earpiece turned on, followed immediately by a loud thud and a rapid string of french expletives. Cipriana stifled a snort of laughter.
“Merde. We’ve got your man, Cipriana.” Maurice panted. “We’re good Nils, we’ve taken down one of Seidel’s operatives. We’ll get him to the BND van then get back inside.”
Nils paused. “No, don’t go back, there’s nothing else you can do.”
“You’re sure?” Maurice asked. “We don’t know how many people Seidel has inside, I doubt we’ve gotten all of them.”
“I’m sure.” Nils said firmly. “Stay outside and see if anyone comes out early. If they do, follow them in one of the cars.
“Okay, sure.” Maurice said. 
“You think the building’s going up?” Harmon asked.
“Not if we can help it.” Adalie cut in.
“I have confidence in Adalie and Owens, I’m just being cautious.” Nils said, but there was an edge of uncertainty in his voice. “Cipriana, are you still inside?”
“Yeah.” Cipriana said. “You want me to leave?”
Nils hesitated. “Yeah, yeah, make your way out now, just to be safe. And keep your eyes open for anyone else who’s leaving early.”
Cipriana began to weave her way through the crowds. “Got it.”
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ambitionsource · 3 years
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Who in the a class is in some kind of therapy?
what a question LMAO. but honestly, a very fair one indeed. while discussing this, es and i ended up basically dividing it into three groups (if someone isn’t mentioned, it just means none apply)
Is In Therapy Currently
Isadora || as we know from the canon of S3, isa is currently in therapy to work through the grief of valerie dying as well as like... the built up abandonment issues, anxiety, and struggles she has articulating or processing emotions lmao. it also helps her learn better methods to work with her autism
Farkle || i mean... we all watched S1 & 2. we know why he’s there LMAO and by god does he need it. it’s good that he’s improving though!!
Chai || she officially started therapy after the events of S1 while she was abroad because evidently her parents divorce really fucked with her emotional state and coping mechanisms -- as well as having sort of emotionally distant parents and having to navigate the world on her own. basically, money =/= nurturing. but yeah i think she realized what she did with tormenting her classmates wasn’t Healthy perhaps and so she sought out the resources to fix it on her own. her parents certainly weren’t going to be much help
Clarissa || clarissa has been in and out of therapy here and there since she was little, mainly for managing OCD. usually she’s fine and her appointments are infrequent (monthly at this current rate), but she tends to go back to her therapist when circumstances get very stressful, like the events of S2 (she mentions going back to therapy in a scene with charlie and haley in 210)
Not In Therapy Currently, but Has Before
Riley || though not by choice, riley went to therapy for a stretch of time in the aftermath of her bullying experience freshman year. by the start of S1, though, she’s on the tail-end of it after a whole summer full of it. she also had stints in family therapy when she was little when cory and topie were having their first bouts of marriage problems, but she doesn’t remember all that obviously. she’s thought about going back for herself because of all the divorce strain, but ultimately opted against it bc she didn’t want to go through cory or topanga. she mainly sticks to talking to eric if things get too overwhelming and using the coping mechanisms she already has
Darby || miss darbs spent some time in therapy in late elementary school due to having issues socializing with her peers. i think she’s always been a bit awkward and desperate to please, so that can get messy with kids cause kids are mean. she was also definitely bullied at that age for being really tall and so i think her parents put her therapy out of genuine concern just with the hopes that like, she’d be able to develop some coping mechanisms and have a safe space to get advice if they didn’t have the answers. and in some ways it helped, other ways no -- her friendships aren’t the healthiest still (as she’s the doormat), but i think she holds her own BETTER with the plastics having gone to therapy than if she never developed those emotional tools at all
Has Not / Is Not but Really Fucking Should Be in Therapy
LUCAS || this is like the most obvious blinking lights sirens wailing example ever. he is a walking textbook for endorsing therapy. between the domestic abuse, mommy and daddy issues, self-esteem in the subbasement, lack of life purpose, inability to read others well emotionally, inability to process his own emotions, the physical aversion due to his trauma, his kleptomania, his risk-taking behavior, his habit of lying, the fact that he has canonically walked off for days at a time with no warning, explanation, or safety net, that he sleeps in a fucking technician’s booth, he used to free-climb buildings SOMETIMES IN THE RAIN, no sense of self-preservation, intrusive thoughts, inability to express appreciation or affection in a normal non-stressful way...... this man is a therapist’s dream and nightmare. they could spend YEARS unpacking him. but will he ever go to therapy? no. because he a) doesn’t think he needs it, b) can’t ask for help ever, and c) could never afford it. and at this point, d) if his dad heard he was seeking help like that he would shut it down instantly. anyway, he’s the biggest case here. underline him in red
Charlie || charlie is a great example of someone who is like coping... sort of... not really... it Looks like they’re coping but they aren’t really and they really need help. like yes, charlie has stability in certain areas of his life that others don’t, and he’s extremely self-aware of his privileges, but i think that’s part of the problem. he’s convinced himself he doesn’t need or shouldn’t get external help because there are people who have it so much worse than him and he doesn’t... he doesn’t really need it, does he? he’s fine. he’ll be fine. and even if he did think about getting “help,” i think his first instinct -- and advice from others -- would be to go to his church leadership, which is not a suggestion made with ill will but just isn’t helpful considering half of his trauma is tied to his relationship with god and the church and faith. he needs a more objective space to unpack all of that, and obviously church itself is not the answer. i think that charlie will be able to work through a lot of his initial issues on his own with time and patience with himself (something we’re in the thick of right now -- we’re just barely in the acceptance phase), but he should really go to therapy in the future just to like... work through all of the long-term trauma he endured from his upbringing and bridgette’s exile and the dueling psychology of church vs sexuality. like... that’s gonna take some time to unravel and he needs to be in the right place to pursue that on his own. will he, i dont know, but i think when he does a certain heaviness he’s been carrying his entire life will finally like... lift. and he’ll be able to breathe better
Asher || so asher is a bit of a clusterfuck LMAO like he’s diagnosed officially with generalized anxiety disorder but he never saw a specialist, his mom diagnosed him since she’s a psychologist. the complexity here is that because of that... well, they say you should never let family be your personal doctors and i think that’s true for mental health professionals too. like emily basically gave asher the generic coping rundown when he was really young, and then he went on to develop his own coping mechanisms with, at least, a very fundamental understanding of what’s wrong with him. but he kind of developed his own complex about it all too, bc i think emily took pride in him being able to figure it all out and be so capable with his own mental health without ever going to therapy and he kind of internalized that, as well as having internalized a lot his mom’s perspectives and opinions as a mental health professional in a way that its like... well my MOM said that, so i feel kind of some type of way about it. so its all really complicated and twisted in his head and he just doesnt bother to unpack it (something, ironically, therapy would probably help lol). the thing about asher is that for all intents and purposes, he does cope well and he is really in tune with his own mental state. it’s just that he could seriously benefit from having an objective party help him untangle some of his neuroses i think and it would take some of the constant stress off his shoulders, but he’s honestly too stuck in his ways at this point to go. that being said, he’s a vocal advocate for therapy and its benefits -- just not for himself
Nigel || as discussed a bit in the ask i answered about him, i just think nigel carries way too much pressure on himself and he could benefit from someone helping him work through things instead of carrying all his stress on his own -- even if its less complex than some others. he’s like same range as clarissa.
Maya || maya has no issue with self-esteem, but i think she could still benefit from someone helping her actually unpack her issues over her dad and why she is the way she is. a therapist who specializes in narcissism would be a good fit for her -- not because she is one, but she does have... certain quirks where i think having that specialization can help unravel her motivations and actions a little more easily
Missy || she’s just a fucking mess. she shouldn’t be redeemed but i think therapy could really do her a favor and maybe make her less terrible and psychopathic towards people who aren’t like her. maybe
-- Maggie & Es
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gershwinn · 4 years
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GLAMOUR’s November coverstar Lili Reinhart: A powerful interview on anxiety, depression, therapy and body image.
“Depression has affected me in so many ways. It’s something that never goes away,” Lili Reinhart confides to me over the phone. She’s in Vancouver, I’m in LA, but the distance doesn’t stop us having one of the most open and honest interviews of my career.
Many interviews with Lili seek to get the lowdown on her relationship with her Riverdale co-star, Cole Sprouse, who she’s been officially dating since 2018. Indeed, after much talk of a break-up over the summer, Lili notably uploaded a series of photobooth PDA shots with Cole, leading to an internet meltdown and more than seven million Instagram likes. But it’s the conversation around her other, more long-term relationship – with anxiety and depression – that she wants to talk about today.
“I’ve experienced depression and anxiety. Not constantly, but I’m still experiencing it,” she shares. “I have spells of time where I feel completely unmotivated, I don’t want to do anything and I question myself. I don’t know how to handle stress very well. I find that talking about it and sharing my experience with other people, and reminding myself that I’m not alone has been incredibly therapeutic.” At 23 years old, she has found an open and honest voice on social media, sharing everything from body image to her acne with her 20.8 million Instagram followers. It’s an outlet that has no doubt empowered others, but has also helped herself -no wonder Lili was just named as one of Time Magazine's 100.
Speaking openly is something Lili believes strongly in, since attending therapy in her teens. “When I first started going to therapy, it was out of my incredible social anxiety. I was having trouble going to school every day. I was crying before school. I would fake being sick so my mom would let me stay home. When you hear the term ‘crippling anxiety’, that’s what I had when I was 14 years old.
“Seeing the therapist allowed me to be understood. The goal for me has been to always leave therapy feeling a couple of inches taller. Feeling like I’ve alleviated myself of a problem by learning how to solve it. Not everything has a straight answer – it’s not just going to take one session – but I start to think, ‘I’ve grown, I’ve done this, I’ve figured this out, now can I go off into the world and try to put what I’ve learned into action.’ That’s how I look at therapy. I am not crazy, and I am not problematic. I am just a human who’s feeling something in a different way than some other people would.”
Having battled with anxiety for nearly a decade and actively seeking help for it, I wonder what Lili’s relationship with anxiety is like now? “Frustrating. It’s something that I’ve accepted, but I don’t understand it,” she sighs.
“Sometimes I wake up and I’m like, ‘OK, I have anxiety today.’ I’m not really sure why, I’m more irritable than usual. It’s like an undercurrent that lives within me, and certain social situations can obviously trigger my anxiety. I work a lot of hours, sometimes I don’t get a lot of sleep, and that makes me anxious. I’ve found a way to talk myself down when I’m getting super anxious.”
The small act of writing a list to help rationalise her big issues has helped. “I will take a pen to paper and write out a list of everything that I’m feeling anxious about, then when I step back and look at my list of things I’m like, ‘That’s really not that much to be worried about and there’s really no need for it to be causing you this much turmoil.’ That’s how I’ve learned to put things into perspective.”
When Lili isn’t hustling to deal with her mental health, she’s negotiating the greasy pole of Hollywood, which is apt given her recent big screen role in strip club drama Hustlers, alongside Jennifer Lopez. Jenny from the Block herself has taught Lili a lot about the power of hustling. “Jennifer Lopez has said about herself, ‘I’m always the hardest worker in the room and I never stop,’” says Lili. “I admire that and that’s what I’ve been doing. At least this past year has been trying to take advantage of where I am in my life. I don’t have kids, I’m young, in my 20s – I can take the time and energy to put into my career.”
Lili is booked and busy. Aside from Riverdale, she has just landed a coveted CoverGirl beauty campaign, finished her first producing role on the Amazon movie Chemical Hearts, and recently put the final touches to her book of poetry, Swimming Lessons, both of which will drop in 2020.
She says poetry has helped her to understand herself. “It’s therapeutic,” she adds. “I would rather feel too much, than feel nothing at all. Poetry gives me that feeling that my feelings are normal, justified. That other people have felt heartache and grief. I know that the things I’ve written are what 99% of human beings have felt, when they read my book.”
It’s this knowledge of struggle that meant playing strip club worker Annabelle in Hustlers really spoke to her. “I love how Annabelle doesn’t have her sh*t together, because that’s very real. There’s been a large amount of times in my life – like when I first moved to LA, away from my parents’ house and living on my own for the first time, I almost felt like a baby bird jumping out of a nest. You’re just told to fly, without being taught how to fly. You can learn how to balance your cheque book in school, learn how to pay taxes, but no one teaches you how to live on your own, how to take care of yourself, and how to be an adult. It’s very much a trial by fire.”
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Meanwhile, alongside her rise to fame, Lili was managing her well documented issue with body dysmorphia – something Lili attributes to acne and to social media, which both contributed to it, but also helped her to manage it by connecting her to a like-minded community of people.
“Even today, I see myself in the mirror and think, this doesn’t look the way the world tells me it should. I don’t have a cinched, minuscule waist. I do have curves, I have cellulite, my arms aren't stick thin,” she says. “This is my body and we’re told that it should fit certain proportions. There’s such a disgusting problem right now with people photoshopping their bodies. Obviously, there’s a reason why people do it, they’re insecure, they feel like they’re not good enough, and that’s incredibly sad. When I see someone who’s authentically themselves, like models Charli Howard or Ashley Graham, who promote healthy, real body images, I think that is so refreshing and important. Our community values need to reflect that.”
She adds: “Charli’s messaging talks to me on social media. She makes me feel like my body doesn’t need to fit these impossible standards, and she’s a model, my body will never look like that. It just won’t, and 90% of women’s bodies will never look like that, but we are still only used to seeing one body on the runway and in magazines. It’s an incredibly stupid and confusing thing for that to be shoved down young men and women’s throats. Being told: ‘This is what beautiful is.’ And it’s often unachievable to regular people.”
Lili has equally been very vocal about airbrushing – having once taken a magazine to task after they photoshopped her waist. “I would love to see a world where people who are already thin don’t need to photoshop their waist even more, to make young girls, like me, when I was 14 or 16 years old go, ‘I thought I was skinny, but maybe I’m not. Maybe I need to have an eating disorder to make my body look like that.’ Life is not a FaceTune app.” Can we get an amen up in here?
One body insecurity Lili has been conditioned into dealing with and won’t tolerate any longer is “this idea of cellulite”, as she angrily put it. “It really pisses me off. It’s this weird thing where people think that it’s unnatural or a symbol of being fat. It’s so f*cked up because cellulite is just a part of the human body. It’s just genetic, it’s like having freckles on your face. It’s something that is there, you’re born with it, and it’s become this disgusting thing. We’re told: ‘We need to laser this away, no one wants to see that.’ There's nothing more beautiful than when I see stretch marks, or cellulite, and people’s real skin.”
Taking a new healthy mindset into the gym has also helped Lili overcome her body insecurities. “I’ve started to go to the gym out of the want to feel strong. I’m not going into the gym thinking, ‘I want to be skinny, or I need to lose 10 pounds, or I need to not have cellulite, or my arms need to be thinner.’ There’s so much power in feeling strong and physically healthy. It’s badass to be strong.”
Having overcome so many self-confidence issues while simultaneously rising to fame, I wonder what message she would want to give to that insecure girl who was sleeping on a mattress only three years ago. Without hesitating, Lili replies, “You’ve done good! But also, the struggle that you’re going through right now only makes your success so much more profound. There are people who have been given fame and fortune on a silver platter, but I don’t think there’s anything inspirational about those people.
“I was from a small town in Ohio, from a middle-class family, I knew no one in the acting business. I didn’t have a baton passed down to me from an actor in my family. I did it on my own from sheer passion and knowing that this is what I was good at, and this is what I wanted to do. There truly is a lot of power in struggle and survival, and that’s what makes you a strong person,” she finishes, defiantly.
People don’t come much stronger or more honest than Lili Reinhart. As we hang up the phone so she can fly to LA – the place where, she says, “I want to settle down and have a home” – I only hope she finds a happy ever after with her own mind.
Source: Glamour
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pckarchives · 4 years
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beneath the cut , you’ll find random tidbits of info that i thought up at unholy hours of the night. took all day but tbh ..... this was therapy. i really said, “i’ll make my own damn self happy,” and it shows.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟏.     ›     alicia marie levesque boyd-whitley.
► hobbies ➔ painting and decoration, primarily. for the most part, this is due to the nostalgia of doing it with her moms. she’s not awful at it, but she’s not van gogh levels of good, either. it’s just for fun, as all things should be. she’s also incredibly creative, so things like renovation ideas come easy to her. she did ballet for several years, but dropped it before she moved to beacon hills. ► social media handles ➔ she’s aleesha on just about everything. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ mostly conventional, with a series of emojis attached to every name. ► favorite color ➔ green. but sea foam-ish green. ► favorite video game ➔ animal crossing new horizons. she’s a simple bitch; she sees cute animals, she plays the damn game. ► favorite song ➔ style by taylor swift. ► favorite scent ➔ pumpkin spice! not to be totally cliché, but that scent is unbeatable. she has a million candles with that scent alone. ► favorite band/artist ➔ taylor swift, of course. ► favorite place to be ➔ nana’s house! ► favorite season ➔ winter! she had so much fun with lucy over this past winter and if that’s the way lucy acts every year for christmas, then alicia looks forward to it! ► favorite word ➔ squishy. ► favorite meme ➔ maybe so.gif ► if they were an animal ➔ cheetah! ► if they were a color ➔ beige. no longer the pure white she once was, but not the tar pit that she could have been, either. a beautiful mixture of purities and imperfections. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *going through the five stages of grief* HHHHHHHHH !!!!! someone just slid in my dms and *voice cracking* this is what they said.... *sobbing* gIRL.... *sniffle* HNNNNNN..... you should sell hoT DOGs.... ‘cause you know how to make a weiner stand. hNNNNNN.... HNNNNN!!!!!! ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ shake it off. ► aesthetic ➔ paint-stained overalls, tear tracks covered in glitter and flower petals, crooked fingers snagging the last slice of pizza out the box, thick-framed glasses with the lens popped out, it’s for the aesthetic, sharpie’d converse kicks and open hearts doodled onto the palm of your hand –– darling girl, someone will really love you one day. ► motto ➔ “it really do be like that sometimes.” ► theme song ➔ lights up by harry styles.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟐.     ›     amari rose kent.
► hobbies ➔ writing, mostly out of spite. in middle school, she had a meeting with the principal, during which he told her she was at risk of being expelled, due to how many teachers had issues with her. this was the same principal who told her she would never get anywhere, hanging off of tate’s coattails, so she wrote a 50-page paper in the span of one week, shaming the school for its discrimination and unethical practices when it came to students. instead of giving the paper to the principal, she submitted it to the board of education and got the man fired. not only did the essay make it onto local news, it also got her a scholarship to devenford prep; lucky, since tatum had already been offered a scholarship and was on the verge of turning it down because she wouldn’t go without amari. though she hasn’t spitefully written anything that huge since, she is still not afraid to thinkshame. also dabbles in poetry and collage-making. ► social media handles ➔ amari_rose on twitter and instagram. she surprisingly does not have a snapchat! ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional. at best, she’s giving nicknames. ► favorite color ➔ black. ► favorite video game ➔ she doesn’t play video games, so she doesn’t know. ► favorite song ➔ bad guy by billie eilish. ► favorite scent ➔ not to kinkshame, but.... leather. ► favorite band/artist ➔ billie eilish, she is not ashamed! ► favorite place to be ➔ wherever tate and owen are, honestly. ► favorite season ➔ summer. ► favorite word ➔ bullshit. ► favorite meme ➔ thA’TS MY OPINION !!!! ► if they were an animal ➔ panther. ► if they were a color ➔ silver. black is a hard color to obtain and she hardly comes close. she’s got all the darkness she doesn’t need, but the world put that in her. still, she’s close to light, too; close to breathing in sunlight. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ to the mIDDLE SCHOOL TEACHER –– yes, YOU, you know who you are –– who said EYE would never be shit, LOOK AT ME NOW, WHORE ! LOOK AT ME NOW .... not shit. and HOW YOU LIKE IT ? *twerks belligerently* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔  sad beautiful tragic. ► aesthetic ➔ messily chopped hair in the bathroom sink, tongue poked out to lick ketchup off of nimble fingers, rushed words in a lost diary, a bottle drifting out at sea, cigarette smoke and tequila-coated daydreams, harsh breaths in and out and in and out, bruised knuckles and bleeding lips, we’re not done here. ► motto ➔ “chin up, chest out.” ► theme song ➔ all the good girls go to hell by billie eilish. alternatively, kiwi by harry styles.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟑.     ›     camden wesley layton lahey.
► hobbies ➔ he took up woodworking a few years back. therapy and whatnot. he likes making little birds and figurines out of wood, keeps a box of them in his nightstand. ► social media handles ➔ he’s not on social media! he’s old, leave him alone. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ very conventional. again, he’s old, leave him! ► favorite color ➔ grassy green. ► favorite video game ➔ he’s always going to be a sucker for mario party. that game is unfairly frustrating, but he would ride or die for it. ► favorite song ➔ i of the storm by of monsters and men. ► favorite scent ➔ peppermint! it used to make him sick, because it’s such a strong smell, but it’s now his absolute favorite thing in the world. ► favorite band/artist ➔ gorillaz. ► favorite place to be ➔ he honestly prefers closed spaces? tight spaces where he can see every corner, every entrance, every exit, every tile on the floor. whenever he starts panicking, he will sneak away to the nearest closet or something. ► favorite season ➔ spring. rebirth, babyyy. ► favorite word ➔ dammit. ► favorite meme ➔ it’s free real estate. ► if they were an animal ➔ german shepard. ► if they were a color ➔ light pink. this strange mix between the pure white of being a blank slate and the awful red of having spilled more blood than he can even remember. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ AWWWWWWW 😍😍 awww, i’m gonna die alone 🤗🤗🤗 awww !!! i’m never gonna know what it’s like to be LOVED, AWWWWWW !!!! ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ holy ground. ► aesthetic ➔ sweat-dotted skin, racing heart, jingling dog tags, checking the locks on the door once and then again and then again and once more just to be sure, hesitant hands and wet eyes, a smile that’s easy even when nothing else is, sunlight pouring in through a cracked window, a step closer to an answer, five steps back. ► motto ➔ “sure, jan.” ► theme song ➔ clint eastwood by gorillaz.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟒.     ›     charles gerard argent.
► hobbies ➔ someone should tell him that working out isn’t a personality trait, but it really is his hobby. your depression can’t catch up to you, if you’re getting these gainz. ► social media handles ➔ he’s charliecharlie on everything, because he’s funny. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ it used to be creative, but man, that depression hit him hard and he switched to conventional. ► favorite color ➔ white. ► favorite video game ➔ fortnite, shut the fuck up, liam, he doesn’t want to hear it. ► favorite song ➔ perfect ruin by kwabs. ► favorite scent ➔ salt water. ► favorite band/artist ➔ clairo. ► favorite place to be ➔ at the beach. he takes frequent drives up to the closest beach, ► favorite season ➔ summer. beach time! all the time! ► favorite word ➔ yeet. ► favorite meme ➔ y E E T. ► if they were an animal ➔ raven. ► if they were a color ➔ a myriad of colors; there are so many facets to charlie and until he figures out exactly where he is in life, he’s going to keep creating a puddle of colors. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *dancing and singing to the tune of under the sea* ptsd 🤪 anxiety 🤪 crippling depression, there is no question, you should kill me !! let me be with HARAMBE 😤✊ i feel like shit every day ! i’m asking nicely, do it by drowning, under da sea 🌊🌊 ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ getaway car. ► aesthetic ➔ that damnable water’s edge, the view from the top of a mountain, gnawed fingernails and scraped skin, 11:11 and back again, holstered knives and picturesque smiles, droplets of blood spilled into cold coffee, palm grazing the door to happiness but not quite opening it yet ––– another day and you might just make it. ► motto ➔ “que ce sang protège ceux qui ne peuvent se protéger.” ► theme song ➔ broken bones by kaleo.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟓.     ›     cora vienna hale.
► hobbies ➔ lowkey has a love of mechanics. she doesn’t trust anyone else to repair her bike, so she learned how to do it herself. also learned how to fix cars, because scott is always messing his up. also still plays soccer when she has the time. ► social media handles ➔ she’s just corahale on everything. it’s more “professional” than what she had before. which was... a series of expletives that made lydia blush. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional, unless she really hates you. then she can get creative. ► favorite color ➔ black. ► favorite video game ➔ detroit: become human. ► favorite song ➔ hold on just a little while longer from d:bh. luther snapped. ► favorite scent ➔ pinecones. ► favorite band/artist ➔ bryson tiller. ► favorite place to be ➔ the hale house. it feels good to be able to go there again and not be assaulted with all of the reminders of what she lost. ► favorite season ➔ winter. ► favorite word ➔ buttercup. look her in the eye and tell her it’s not the cutest word you’ve ever heard. exactly, you can’t. ► favorite meme ➔ looks into the camera like she’s on the office. ► if they were an animal ➔ lion. ► if they were a color ➔ gold. pure and beautiful; maybe not innocent, maybe not for everyone. but royal and bold and unrelenting. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ sO... .i just went to starbucks and i got my iced coffee and i was standing in line and these little girls were looking at me. *sniff* and i was like, “okay, funny joke.” so i, um, i’m s–– i’m waiting for my coffee, uh, at starbucks, and these other little girls were just, like, LOOKING AT ME and they kept on staring and then this DAD kept on looking and then he kept on staring. and *uncomfortable laughter* ....... *more laughter* ..... *turns on music* *keeps laughing* *turns music off* what kind of sick fucking joke ? .... *uncomfortable shrugging* ...i EXIST ? *more laughter* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ clean. ► aesthetic ➔ a horrid red fire meets a river of blue, gasoline stains on faded tees, an unexpected smile on a rainy day, the way the forest breathes after a rainstorm, skintight dresses and haughty gazes, a smirk that rests for no one, the innocence of a white wolf in a prom dress. ► motto ➔ “flectere si nequeo superos, acheronta movebo.” ► theme song ➔ big god by florence and the machine. alt. the man by taylor swift.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟔.     ›     daniel nahele mahealani.
► hobbies ➔ he no longer loves hacking or music, because... whew, high school killed everything he cared about. mostly sticks to being lydia’s dress up doll. ► social media handles ➔ he’s d-annyboy on all things, because it’s easy! ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional, unless he’s trying to hide something from jackson and lydia. lydia is not afraid to go through his phone, which he genuinely doesn’t mind, that’s why she knows all of his passwords and stuff. but he does not need her to know how many guys he’s fucked that she didn’t like, he’s not here for the lectures. ► favorite color ➔ red. ► favorite video game ➔ wii sports still outsells, he is not taking criticism or debate on this topic. ► favorite song ➔ magic in the hamptons by social house. ► favorite scent ➔ hot chocolate. ► favorite band/artist ➔ childish gambino. ► favorite place to be ➔ at the risk of being gay, wherever theo is. ► favorite season ➔ autumn. ► favorite word ➔ pack. he loves feeling loved, sue him. ► favorite meme ➔ kermit spreading his asshole. ► if they were an animal ➔ elephant. ► if they were a color ➔ orange; just on the cusp of happiness, but always holding back. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ hEY GUYS, i’m just really co–– really confused, ‘cause what does fall have to do with fuckboys 🧐🤔 ‘cause I’VE been fucking boys .... EVERY MONTH, winter, fucking februarymarchaprilmay, june, december... dULY ... *someone taps on the trunk of the car* *looks back* ...that’s my dad *frantic zoom-in* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ afterglow. ► aesthetic ➔ scar-littered skin and callused hands, abandoned hobbies and hopes and dreams, all stashed to the back of the infamous closet, dimples cheeked and optimistic eyes, high school jerseys folded in the drawer, letterman jackets treated like sacrosanct, the memory of when things were simpler and the rain didn’t last so long.  ► motto ➔ “this could be worse.” ► theme song ➔ clementine by halsey.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟕.     ›     derek alexander hale.
► hobbies ➔ book collecting. as their lives continue to not make sense, he collects books on any and every odd ‘myth’ out there and just waits for the day it comes in handy. ► social media handles ➔ lydia has made him dhale on everything, because he’s boring. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ very conventional. he now has a lock on every app in his phone, because fiona and lydia will happily break into his phone to change his contacts, if he’s not careful. ► favorite color ➔ black. ► favorite video game ➔ he doesn’t often play video games, but he will school these youngsters in a game of yahtzee! ► favorite song ➔ when doves cry by prince. ► favorite scent ➔ something baking in the oven. ► favorite band/artist ➔ prince. no, he is not talking about it. ► favorite place to be ➔ the hale house, when the entire pack is there. close second is the loft, when everyone is there. he’ll complain until he’s blue in the face, but everyone knows he’s secretly weak for that. ► favorite season ➔ winter. ► favorite word ➔ no. ► favorite meme ➔ blinking white guy. ► if they were an animal ➔ i... a wolf. ► if they were a color ➔ tree bark brown; steady and stern and stable. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *standing at the bathroom door, glaring* if it breaks. one more time. don’t ––– shut your mouth. if it breaks while i’m sleeping, i will grab you by the neck and shove you down the shower drain. *continues to glare* ......... i’m going to take my shower now. *slowly and threateningly closes the door* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ daylight. ► aesthetic ➔ shattered handcuffs, ashes spread across the floor, delayed inhales and painful exhales, a pool of flowers at your feet ––– begin again. ► motto ➔ “no.” ► theme song ➔ sinnerman by nina simone.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟖.     ›     dominic joseph kim.
► hobbies ➔ yoga, meditation, brewery, skin and haircare routines, and swimming! a king stays busy. ► social media handles ➔ he’s domkimi on snapchat, instagram and twitter, but he’s baddiebbarbietingz on reddit. he has a tumblr account, but he refuses to tell the pack what his username is. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ creative. feel free to look through his phone, but good fucking luck figuring out who is who. ► favorite color ➔ gold. ► favorite video game ➔ sims 4. he gets the chance to actually build a sustainable life? with a family? in a house? with cheat codes? and love? and aliens? and lovers who become plants? sign him the fuck up. ► favorite song ➔ would you mind by prettymuch. good form by nicki minaj is a close runner-up. ‘cause he do, in fact, be the baddie b barbie tingz banging body b, everybody be on his d, cause he gotta be in reality–– ► favorite scent ➔ pizza! if it’s not good for you, why does it smell so good? make it make sense. ► favorite band/artist ➔ prettymuch. ► favorite place to be ➔ tate’s lab! it’s where he and owen do most of their brewing, aside from their field trips to the greenhouse to get more ingredients. it’s basically where dominic does his best and calmest work. close second is his own apartment, because he does yoga in the living room each morning. ► favorite season ➔ summer. ► favorite word ➔ cecelia. ► favorite meme ➔ who said that.gif. ► if they were an animal ➔ a turtle! specifically, one of the turtles from finding nemo. ► if they were a color ➔ blue. calm and collected. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ so i said i’m a switch on tiktok, right ? and now all these ladies are comin’ out of the woodwork like, “hey, i got a strap-on and a dog collar with your name on it ! ” 😳😳 and i’m like... you put my name on it ? 😍👉👈  /// alternatively: theee necklace my boyfriend bought me just came in the mail *zoom in on necklace* ....I’M my boyfriend ! i bought this for myself ! EEE *excited grin* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ style. ► aesthetic ➔ the push and pull of a tidal wave, a dash of eyeliner here and a bit of mascara there, collared shirts and wrinkled jeans, overrated pop over a bluetooth speaker, a fascination with milkshakes and musicals, a heart that beats out of rhythm but never misses a step. ► motto ➔ “the birds work for the bourgeoisie.” ► theme song ➔ good thing by zedd and kehlani.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟎𝟗.     ›     elliot james aldridge.
► hobbies ➔ aside from his bathtub poetry and crime, he has revived his love of cooking and music. is masterful at the piano, guitar and harp, dabbles in cello and flute. he likes his music pretty, okay, sue him. ► social media handles ➔ redacted by the fcc. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ depends on how much he likes you! if you’re kosher, you get a creative name. if not... you get your own name. ► favorite color ➔ blood red. unironically. ► favorite video game ➔ he’s a poker man, but if he has to choose a video game, meet him in super smash brothers. ► favorite song ➔ say so by doja cat. ► favorite scent ➔ blood. ► favorite band/artist ➔ hozier. ► favorite place to be ➔ no offense, but the french quarter in new orleans. ► favorite season ➔ summer. ► favorite word ➔ self-care. ► favorite meme ➔ why would you say something so controversial, yet so brave? ► if they were an animal ➔ hyena. one of the asshole ones from lion king. ► if they were a color ➔ red. he’s not hiding that. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ i’m not falling, i’m not falling, i’m not falling, i’m not falling, i’mnotfallingi’mnotfallingi’mnotfalling, i’m not f a l l i n g, i’m not FALLING, i’m not falling, i’m not falling, i’m not fALLING....... !! *deep breath* oKAY, i’m falling. /// alternative: the oNLY reason i have not destroyed the world is because i have not had ice cream in a while, i want some ice cream. but tRUST ME, when i get some ice cream ? your ass is grass and i’m the lawn mower ! ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ ready for it? ► aesthetic ➔ a hoop of sterling silver, initials carved into dying trees, tempting eyes and a charming smile, cufflinks left on the nightstand, a prison cell and a funny story, top three buttons left undone, far too aware for his own damn good. ► motto ➔ "excuse me, i'm new in town and it gets worse." ► theme song ➔ sunlight by hozier.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟎.     ›     erica juliet reyes.
► hobbies ➔ tracking deucalion and peter, for one thing, but that’s more of a job than anything else. does raving count as a hobby? she’s officially taken up rock climbing, by the way. a huge slap in the face to her epilepsy. ► social media handles ➔ she changes her handles frequently, because she’s indecisive, she can’t decide–– but she’s currently reyofsunshine on everything. shoutout to fiona. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ creative and often explicit! ► favorite color ➔ sand brown, don’t @ her. ► favorite video game ➔ until dawn. understand the palm of my hand, bitch.... jesus hot sauce christmas cake.... what were you tweeting, hashtag there’s a freaking ghost after us? your fave could never! ► favorite song ➔ hot girl bummer by blackbear. ► favorite scent ➔ lucy or fee’s baking. she’ll come home just for that. ► favorite band/artist ➔ blackbear. ► favorite place to be ➔ at a party. she’s very into raves. ► favorite season ➔ summer. ► favorite word ➔ motherfucker. ► favorite meme ➔ respect the drip, karen. ► if they were an animal ➔ a horse. enticingly beautiful but will also kill you. ► if they were a color ➔ gold. not as pure as cora’s gold, but twice as inviting. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ all i’m gonna say is that i didn’t take ap classes in high school, escape the friend zone, graduate with honors, get cheated on, go to college, mentally deteriorate, become addicted to nicotine, sign a year lease, drop a sorority, fail chemistry and dye my hair purple, just to cry over the frat boy leaving me on read that smokes weed for breakfast, lunch and dinner 💁🏼 ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ false god. ► aesthetic ➔ push-up bras covered in black lace, smeared lipstick against the bathroom mirror, jeans that leave nothing to the imagination, a wolf that lies in wait and fears no god, the epitome of poison. ► motto ➔ “meanwhile, back at the ranch...” ► theme song ➔ needed me by rihanna.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟏.     ›     fiona evelyn porter.
► hobbies ➔ baking, pinterest, cheer, volleyball and softball. truly depends on the season. ► social media handles ➔ feezypeezyporter stays true to her brand. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ creative! her contact ids are indecipherable, the only people who can understand them are katie and cass. dom gave up. ► favorite color ➔ light green and light pink! ► favorite video game ➔ beat saber! ► favorite song ➔ love again by carly rae jepsen. ► favorite scent ➔ is.... is it gay to say cass? ► favorite band/artist ➔ carly rae jepsen. ► favorite place to be ➔ the loft! it really is her happiest place. alternatively, wherever cass is, ‘cause that’s home, babey! ► favorite season ➔ spring! baby sticks to her brand. ► favorite word ➔ braggadocio. how on EARTH is that a real word? ► favorite meme ➔ let me see what you have. a kNIFE! NO! ► if they were an animal ➔ cardinal. ► if they were a color ➔ green. the color of grass, covering everything, everything, everything. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *crying and sipping tea* it... is ver .... very b... bold of you to assume ............. ! *pained smile*  /// alternatively: ONE OF YOU FAT BITCHES UNFOLLOWED ME !!! *manic laughter* i’m not mad, but like...... *climbs onto bathroom sink and leans in very close* what was the last straw ? ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ me! ► aesthetic ➔ bare lips passing over green leaves, a lullaby to a struggling orchid, spanks and sweat drops and a desperate need for approval, a digital scale blinking red numbers back at you, pills of white and blue and yellow, maybe tomorrow you’ll be happy again. ► motto ➔ “team work makes the dream work!” ► theme song ➔ work this out from the high school musical 2 soundtrack.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟐.     ›     hayden louisa romero.
► hobbies ➔ she has a love of sports. got into lacrosse before her imprisonment, though she was a little too fragile to play a real game. was a soccer star as a kid. also puts on glamour shows for the kids and the dogs, if they ask. ► social media handles ➔ she doesn’t have social media. imprisonment tingz. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional. at best, you get an emoji or two at the end of your name. ► favorite color ➔ ocean blue. ► favorite video game ➔ will forever be weak for pokémon. ► favorite song ➔ 1985 by bowling for soup. timeless. ► favorite scent ➔ french vanilla. ► favorite band/artist ➔ she’s getting into melanie martinez. ► favorite place to be ➔ bias goes to being with the ito pack, but the preserve is pretty much paradise. ► favorite season ➔ winter. ► favorite word ➔ covenant. ► favorite meme ➔ and i oop––– ► if they were an animal ➔ manta ray. harmless babey. ► if they were a color ➔ prism clear. a maze of reflections, but so fucking breakable. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ you mess with ME ? w ..... ! y...... ! *vague hand movements* you probably aren’t gonna experience any problems, because i’m afraid of confrontation !! /// alternative: *struggling to place lamp inside of another lamp* i JUST TOOK A TEN HOUR NAP ??? *panic* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ it’s nice to have a friend. ► aesthetic ➔ scars lifted among tanned skin, wary glances to read every room, crop tops floating above your belly, a lack of cares for a world that cares a little too much, marked skin and glossed lips, wanna make a deal with an angel? ► motto ➔ “my priority is me.” ► theme song ➔ i know by pink sweat$.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟑.     ›     judith wendy mayer-argent.
► hobbies ➔ biking! she does it primarily for work, but she also does it for fun. also, huge gamer. and protestor. baby keeps busy. ► social media handles ➔ mayerjude. she can make so many jokes out of her own last name, don’t tempt her. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ creative! unless it’s someone important or authoritative. then they get their own name. ► favorite color ➔ sunshine yellow. ► favorite video game ➔ fornite. ► favorite song ➔ sunday candy by donnie trumpet and the social experiment. ► favorite scent ➔ cupcakes! the frosting! the delicacy! ► favorite band/artist ➔ maroon 5. ► favorite place to be ➔ in the middle of a protest, rally or march. if she’s not in action, then what is she doing? ► favorite season ➔ spring. ► favorite word ➔ audit. ► favorite meme ➔ surprised pikachu. ► if they were an animal ➔ dolphin. ► if they were a color ➔ sunset orange. no, i will not elaborate. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *walking down the street* so we were peer reviewing papers in one of my classes aaaand this girl goes, “you use some FANCY LANGUAGE ! ” and i was like, “what word ? ” and she was like, “perpetuate.” .........on GOD, we gon’ get you a dictionary. ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ don’t blame me. ► aesthetic ➔ sunflowers pushing up from freshly dug graves, a smile away to keep the doctors away, sprained wrists wrapped in inappropriate laughter, bruised knuckles and black eyes, drink in hand, swinging your hips to that voicemail left by your toxic ex-boyfriend. ► motto ➔ “just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...” ► theme song ➔ modern love by david bowie.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟒.     ›     kali kaira laghari.
► hobbies ➔ knitting. she has abandoned all of her self-care and therapy ideals, now knits and talks to ghosts. mind ya business. ► social media handles ➔ she’s not on social media, either. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional. she has no times for games. ► favorite color ➔ red. she’s a scorpio, what do you expect? ► favorite video game ➔ not to be controversial, but she’ll take mortal kombat any day. ► favorite song ➔ nintendo game by alessia cara. ► favorite scent ➔ tea! ► favorite band/artist ➔ alessia cara. ► favorite place to be ➔ aside from wherever rohan is, she prefers the bookstore. confrontations aside, it’s a very small space, quiet and relaxing. ► favorite season ➔ winter. ► favorite word ➔ goddess. and yes, for exactly the reason you think. ► favorite meme ➔ as a treat. ► if they were an animal ➔ scorpion. ► if they were a color ➔ smoky grey. everything’s a little hazy with this one. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *staring at the food on the table, slowly losing her mind while everyone else argues over murder* *holds head in hands* *bangs hands on table repeatedly, screaming* WHAT ARE WE THANKFUL FOR !!! ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ i did something bad. ► aesthetic ➔ cross-legged sitting in the middle of the road, waiting for a new thrill, fingertips grazing the harsh blade beneath your skirt, popcorn and wine with a man you could’ve loved if you were both a little less fucked up, a question that should never be answered, a world-view that should never be defiled –––– and you did it all. ► motto ➔ “i don’t need permission or advice; just help.” ► theme song ➔ simmer by hayley williams. you should see me in a crown by billie eilish.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟓.     ›     kira fuyuko yukimura.
► hobbies ➔ she trains to keep herself calm. often talks with her fox nowadays; she wants to build trust. and given that kira is doing fuck all to deal with her issues, she needs someone to talk to her. she and her fox get along a lot better these days. she also runs, practices lacrosse maneuvers on her own and plays with lightbulbs.  ► social media handles ➔ she’s a simple woman: kyuki. cut the fluff, cut the extraness. also, kyuki is what she’s named her fox.  ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional, save for people who warrant a creative one. aka those whose names she doesn’t know. you would be surprised at how many there are. ► favorite color ➔ purple. ► favorite video game ➔ also a fan of animal crossing! ► favorite song ➔ ahead of myself by the ambassadors. ► favorite scent ➔ cinnamon. ► favorite band/artist ➔ the ambassadors. ► favorite place to be ➔ it’s dorky to say, but she likes being with her parents! they’re still in new york, so she doesn’t get that chance as much. however, her second favorite place to be is.... her bed. ► favorite season ➔ autumn. ► favorite word ➔ poppy. ► favorite meme ➔ guess i’ll die.png ► if they were an animal ➔ truly a fox. ► if they were a color ➔ steel blue. baby is electric. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ i might be a BIG, DUMB, GAY BITCH ................ !! *smirks at camera* ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ cruel summer. ► aesthetic ➔ a thunderstorm in your bedroom, leather gloves pulled over dainty hands, quick footwork and sly gazes, untied shoe laces dragging across the floor, leggings beneath skirts, quiet meditation before bed, sharp teeth poking into bruised lips. ► motto ➔ “yeah, this isn’t weird at all.” ► theme song ➔ fall in line by christina aguilera and demi lovato.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟔.     ›     liam stephen dunbar.
► hobbies ➔ lacrosse no longer counts as a hobby, considering he made it his entire life. does training with allison count as a hobby? does texting gwen bad jokes count? ‘cause that’s all he does, my guy. ► social media handles ➔ he’s dvnbcr on everything. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional, until fiona gets her hands on his phone and changes his ids again. ► favorite color ➔ red. ► favorite video game ➔ he’s that guy who plays all of the 2k nba games. like, he has to stan. ► favorite song ➔ i don’t care by fall out boy. ► favorite scent ➔ turf. he’s a loser, what do you expect? ► favorite band/artist ➔ fall out boy and kendrick lamar are tied. ► favorite place to be ➔ the lacrosse field. he does not stray from his brand. ► favorite season ➔ autumn. lax season! ► favorite word ➔ shit. fuck is a close runner-up. ► favorite meme ➔ i’ve won.... but at what cost? ► if they were an animal ➔ rhinoceros.  ► if they were a color ➔ gray; that perfect intersection between white and black, good and bad, wolf and bomb. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *talking to his mom while she’s watching tv.* hey, mom? will you pause that? you know that guy i’m talking to is 6′4″? can’t wait to get my shit wrecked. so you are a bottom. ...wait. okay, i.... that’s not what you’re supposed to say! what am i supposed to say? don’t –– not that! *goes to sit next to her* i’m 👏 not 👏 a 👏 bottom 👏. bullshit. *confused look of betrayal* is this legal? have you ever done anything for anybody else? no, you’re a taker. /// alternatively: *trying to start a fire* hope so ! you gonna let the fire breathe or you gonna fuckin’ suffocate it ? i will end your goddamn short ass piece of shit useless life. ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ this is why we can’t have nice things. ► aesthetic ➔ a rage that you can never quite tame, hand broken from too many punches, the green of fresh cut grass, car mileage piling up, miles and miles and miles left to go, bashful smiles and reddened skin. kid, you’re not nearly as bad as you think you are. ► motto ➔ “i blame scott.” ► theme song ➔ dr. whoever by aminé.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟕.     ›     lydia charlene martin.
► hobbies ➔ sewing clothes, throwing parties, picking up new languages, ruling the world, saving this pack from falling apart, doing everything in this goddamn house! ► social media handles ➔ queenlydia, but who’s surprised? ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ convention meets creativity in lydia’s phone. everyone has their first name, with a lord/lady/duke/duchess/etc. attached to it. jackson is the only one with king, obviously. you know you’re in trouble when she attaches peasant to your name. good luck climbing your way back up the ladder. ► favorite color ➔ pink. ► favorite video game ➔ not to be controversial, but dead by daylight is that bitch. ► favorite song ➔ honey by kesha. ► favorite scent ➔ strawberries. ► favorite band/artist ➔ kesha. ► favorite place to be ➔ in jackson’s arms, she is not taking that back. ► favorite season ➔ winter. ► favorite word ➔ throne and jackson are tied. ► favorite meme ➔ why are you booing me? i’m right! ► if they were an animal ➔ swan. ► if they were a color ➔ purple. royalty is not a game, kids. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ not a vine or tiktok, but yes, it’s me 💅🏽 & you guys are mad about it ohmygod i make y’all feel that 🤢 well, i just wanted to pop up here & show y'all how i'm doing ! i'm doing great. i'm looking great, i'm feeling great, y'know 💇🏽 i'm obviously over here very booked & busy, while you bitches over here are still looking raggedy & not doing shit ! hahaha ! WOW ! 💁🏽 but anyway, um, i just wanted to let y'all know i'm not going anywhere. so talk your shit, you shitholes ! you can't defeat a bad bitch ! you just cannot do that ! i rise above that ! EW 🤮 so i just wanted to say hey ! & that i'm here to stayyy ! & you gon' be mad everydayyy ! HAHAHA ! SUCCESS ! ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ paper rings. ► aesthetic ➔ a crown that fits just perfect, newly manicured nails, breakfasts at tiffany’s and on decorated balconies, the picture on the altar, damp curls and loose braids, tight dresses and sinful heels, brave but never fearless. ► motto ➔ “i’m lydia fucking martin.” ► theme song ➔ okay, okay by alessia cara.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟖.     ›     scott lucas mccall.
► hobbies ➔ video games! he also likes helping the pack renovate whenever they decide to. though he has put fiona on a limit. after she redesigned her room five times in two weeks, he finally had to put his foot down. ► social media handles ➔ he is the most disorganized of the bunch. he’s scootermccall on snapchat, scottymccall on instagram, scotthewmccall on twitter because he’s weak for whatever fiona asks. it’s a mess, but he’s not changing. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional, but with lots of emojis to show he cares. ► favorite color ➔ red. ► favorite video game ➔ he wants to say mario kart, because that’s his and lucy’s thing and, um, he’s in love with her. but other than that! life is strange. he hasn’t figured out how to win yet, but gosh dammit, that’s not going to stop him from trying.  ► favorite song ➔ dna by lia marie johnson. ► favorite scent ➔ lucy’s perfume! ► favorite band/artist ➔ panic! at the disco. ► favorite place to be ➔ at the vet! he’s so happy when he’s around animals and it feels good to know that he’s helping these animals get better? ► favorite season ➔ summer. ► favorite word ➔ lucy. ► favorite meme ➔ i’ll be honest, i can’t read. ► if they were an animal ➔ golden retriever. ► if they were a color ➔ yellow. speaks for itself. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ i had an essay that was due at 11:59. instead of being a smart, responsible student, i decided to wait until 11:40 .... to START my essay. i finished the essay on time. but the gag is............. it was a five-page essay. and i got it done in sixteen minutes. *dancing* they gon’ hate me regardless, that’s why i do what i do ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ state of grace. ► aesthetic ➔ a lighthouse drawing in the lost, the open door of a sunken ship, wrongly buttoned plaid shirts, clumsy fingers and stumbling feet, saddened eyes that follow healing hands, the suspension of disbelief ––– whatever that means. ► motto ➔ “everything will work out!” ► theme song ➔ only the young by taylor swift.
𝐏𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐅𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝟎𝟎𝟏𝟗.     ›     tatum coretta bellfleur.
► hobbies ➔ nanotech mechanics! she learned as a way to make things for owen and amari that they couldn’t afford to buy. won a few competitions, got a few scholarships, got into programs that taught her how to do greater things than she’d ever imagined. took up baton twirling at devenford, but gave it up when she got to college. fiona is trying to convince her take it up again next year. ► social media handles ➔ she’s tatertot on everything, courtesy of one judith mayer. ► conventional or creative contact ids ➔ conventional. keep it simple, thanks. ► favorite color ➔ silver! it’s so pretty. ► favorite video game ➔ death stranding. no, she will not elaborate. ► favorite song ➔ mo money mo problems by notorious b.i.g.  ► favorite scent ➔ flowers! ► favorite band/artist ➔ tupac. yes, she is that bitch. ► favorite place to be ➔ her lab. ► favorite season ➔ winter. ► favorite word ➔ free. ► favorite meme ➔ you know i had to do it to ‘em. ► if they were an animal ➔ doe. ► if they were a color ➔ white. no matter how much she hates being protected, she’s the picture of purity. ► if they were a vine/tiktok ➔ *sitting in front of a mirror.* maybe.......... i’m the problem 🤨 ► if they were a taylor swift song ➔ out of the woods. ► aesthetic ➔ a blanket of snow covering the grime and pain of yesterday, contained explosions and soft humming, tight ponytails breaking cheap rubber bands, tongue poking out the side of your mouth, the sun peeking through the slits of your blinds, wondering where you’ve been these last couple’a days. ► motto ➔ “i’ve lived through this before, i’ll live through it again.” ► theme song ➔ 100 years by florence and the machine.
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xseildnasterces · 4 years
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special needs.
Writing during the week is simply becoming impossible. I am beyond exhausted every single day. Even now I am sitting at my desk yawning my head off whilst trying to write this. At the beginning of this week I literally got zero sleep whatsoever, I don’t know why but I was super anxious all the time, even why just laying in bed or watching TV, I can’t really explain it. I have my first appointment today with a psychologist at work. She will help provide me with details of some therapists who she feels may be a good match for me. I’m anxious about it, but I know it’s something I have to do. I am trying to address numerous medical issues at the moment. I also have an appointment today to see a doctor about my skin, which is breaking out like a crazy bitch at the moment. All over my face, neck and back, and literally every single day I wake up with a new spot or loads of new ones. It’s making me feel even more self conscious than normal, so I am hoping she can help. I still haven’t had my mammogram, or the other internal examination I am supposed to have in order for some investigations to take place, and my doctor will probably tell me off about it today, but I can’t face that right now. I know I’ve been saying that for months, but I just can’t. 
I had two afternoons off this week which was nice, and needed due to lack of sleep. On one afternoon I just crashed and the other afternoon I went to a new waxing place. I honestly think I could write a book on all the weird experiences I have had at waxing salons. This one started off really well, the girl doing the waxing didn’t speak to me much, but that was fine as I was too tired and couldn’t be bothered with small talk - but the newest thing for me was the fact that she didn’t leave the room whilst I got undressed!? Of all the different salons I have visited in various countries, this is the first time that I wasn’t left alone to get undressed, nor to get re-dressed again after the treatment. It was the weirdest feeling, having someone standing there waiting for you. This was the first thing that put me off a little bit, but I’m not shy in this sort of setting so it didn’t bother me too much, but that was perhaps because I was wearing a dress so could at least keep myself partially covered whilst walking over and getting on the bed. It started off fine, but halfway through, the girl changed the way she was acting and it was literally as though I’d spat on her. She became so annoyed, and her whole demeanor just shifted. Getting waxed means putting your body in numerous weird positions in order for the wax to be applied, she literally barked commands at me and when I didn’t hear she would push me in certain directions. It was so strange. I really didn’t want to tip, but being in the US I was left with no option but to do so. I will go back because I liked the wax they used and loved the way they did my eyebrows - I no longer look like Charlie from Busted, or as though I have two slugs stuck to my face. I will just ensure that I choose a different girl!
Tomorrow I am going for a facial. Having an appointment for something seems like the only way to actually make myself get up and out of bed on my days off, so I have to schedule things in order to get myself out of the house. The place I am going to has a facial specifically to help acne, so I felt that it was much needed right now. 
After last weekend's ridiculous spending spree, I am trying my very best to curb that habit before it even gets started. I cannot spend money every single time I feel depressed because I will quite literally be spending more time spending money than not - and that is certainly not okay. 
Last night was quite bad. I was feeling very low and really missing people that are no longer part of my life. My mind started wandering, and doing all the things it shouldn’t. Asking all the questions I don’t even want to know the answer to, but also those I do. My mum told me to stop counting, but I haven’t. I just can’t help it. I miss my best friend. I miss the person I want to tell things about my life, and hearing about theirs. I worry about their health, and how things are going with that. I’m proud of how well they have established themselves in certain aspects of their life and I sincerely miss hearing all about it. I read a quote the other day that I guess did sum things up for me but at the same time I am just finding it impossible to move on and forget. I am finding it beyond impossible to accept that they are no longer in my life, and don't want to be ever again. The quote basically said that if people wanted to talk to you regardless of anything else they would reach out, and I know that they never will because I know they don’t want that. And this cannot be turned around from my point of view because they specifically told me they did not want me to contact them and therefore I am only respecting what they want. I could send them a message at any time, any day telling them how much I miss them, but I’m not because of what they asked of me. I also imagine that I am blocked in every possible form of communication oor on social media so my messages would never be received anyway, and what's more, if they did, I can 100% guarantee I would never receive a reply, and never know if the message was indeed received or not. Even just thinking about this causes so much anxiety that my heart is currently beating at an unnatural rate. I noticed the other day that the playlist they created had been deleted. I hadn’t noticed earlier because I still have the playlist saved on my Spotify, so it doesn’t get fully removed until I delete it, but it is no longer on their profile. As stupid as it may seem, I cried. Not as much as I cried when I noticed that they had removed the black band I gave them. That was quite honestly one of the worst weekends of my whole entire life, and I cannot even express how much I thought about suicide. I didn’t eat for days. I didn’t speak to anyone for days and my mum was getting more and more worried about me. I was the definition of broken, but emphasised beyond belief. 
Have I got over it? No, I haven’t. I really wish I was the sort of person who could just erase every inch of someone’s very being from my life. I have tried, but I just can't do it. In fact, perhaps I haven’t tried - not hard enough. I do wonder though, although I shouldn’t, if we did ever speak again, or meet again in the future, would it be the same. Would we still feel the things we have always felt, or would it be completely different? I am assuming for me I would feel the same - nervous and anxious as hell - but the same, yet I think for them that has all gone and I would just be another person they would pass in the street. Another stranger, a person from their past who they had no connection or concern for anymore. I genuinely feel like I have lost so, so much. The pain I feel in my heart is so much more than anything I have ever experienced with my first girlfriend, or past friendships, even with people who I truly loved (as friends) and felt would be part of my life forever. It really is an unexplainable pain, that is not only emotional, but also physical.  
Anyway, this has me heading down a very dark hole, and it’s the middle of the day, so I cannot be doing that to myself right now. The last two days my stomach has been in knots, and I’m not too sure why. I’m ready for the weekend but hope that the weather sorts itself out, because the wind this week has been like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I constantly joke about feeling like Dorothy Gale from the Wizard of OZ, but this week I really did. That's the issue with windows the whole length of your apartment. I honestly felt like they were going to blow in. Yesterday was so bad I literally didn’t need to bother walking to work because the wind blew me the whole way there - this did of course cause issues on the way back because I was walking against it, and clearly that wasn’t very helpful. I wouldn’t be surprised if it took longer to get home purely because of that. 
In three weeks my mum will be here, and if that isn’t something to be happy and smile about, I don’t know what is.
[Blog Title: Special Needs - Placebo].
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nettheworldonfire · 4 years
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If the Genes Fit, Test Them.
It’s been 2 weeks since I’ve last posted.  Somewhere between the drama and chaos that was diagnosis, first treatment, and weaning my 6.5 month old external tumor, and now the end of life as we know it (also known as COVID-19), I just didn’t have much to say, or much time to say it.
So while Charlie is sleeping, and Olive is screaming at me in her typical zombie-esque growl and tossing each toy I give to her on the ground, repeatedly, I’ll painstakingly stop and start this post, until I’ve given a short update about all that has been going on.
Genetic Counseling Update: On Wednesday I spoke to a genetics counselor over the phone.  I was supposed to go in, but the appointment was modified due to COVID-19 and we took care of everything via phone.  The counselor’s name was Stephanie and she was extremely kind and informative.  She called me promptly at 8 am and the call lasted almost exactly one hour, like she said it would.  (I kind of wish all appointments were this easy.)  They are sending me out a saliva swab kit to test my DNA.  The kit should arrive within a week, I’ll send it back out, and I should have those results within a month.  Easy peasy.
Stephanie said that about 10% of neuroendocrine tumor patients are genetically predisposed to getting cancer.  While only about 1 of those percents are people with my type of neuroendocrine tumors, due to my family history, they think it is smart to check.  On my mother’s side, I have a second cousin who also has pancreatic neuroendocrine tumors and liver metastasis (she recently started Lanreotide injections, too).  Additionally, my mother’s father had a neuroendocrine tumor on his spine, near the nape of his neck, which they assumed was was not cancerous, even though it was fatal. He was diagnosed in the 70s though, and then Neuroendocrine tumors were thought to not be cancerous because of how slow-growing they are.  When I was diagnosed 8 years ago, we tried to access his records from his more recent Jefferson hospital stays/surgeries (he passed away in the early 2000s) but we were not able to obtain them.  Anyway - that is enough to make this a fishy scenario. And in the words of the counselor, “reasonable to think there is an underlying genetic predisposition.”
While the most important reason for genetic testing right now is to find out if my immediate family may also be at risk for these type of tumors, it can also be helpful to know what treatments may be beneficial.  If an underlying genetic cause is found, it would trigger two things - testing for my mother and brothers, and testing for my children.  A genetic predisposition has a 50/50 chance of being passed to your children, so therefore, if I have it (presumably from my mother, since it’s on that side of the family) it would typically indicate that she does and my brothers and children have a 50/50 chance of having it, too.  There is yet a third consideration though - which is that it is a NEW genetic predisposition started with ME.  Apparently, there are 10 new genes in each baby, that did not come from either mother or father, meaning that issues like these can start with anyone, at any point (crazy, huh?).  
They told us that this testing, if not covered by insurance, costs $250 per person - something I think is worth it, in the long run.  I don’t think they would test my children now, but they said they would fairly early - and if they also have the gene - they would be followed/scanned regularly to ensure there are no tumors.  Definitely not the sort of thing you want to have passed down to the kids (I think they would prefer a family fortune, or a shorehouse) - so fingers crossed that I don’t have this gene and it’s all just a horribly shitty coincidence.  
Adventures of Olive in Formula-land Update:   My (adorable) hungry, hungry hippo is now taking 25-30 ounce of formula daily, from a regular medela bottle with a disposable enfamil nipple (go figure), like a freaking champion.  This girl can eat.  She is so proud of her bottle-loving self, that she gets up three or four times a night to show me how much she loves her fancy formula.  Luckily, she is four months away from regular old milk (or an abundance of yogurt and cheese, the route Charlie opted for) and we can stop spending $30 a week on her elitist beverage of choice.  I joke, but really I am thrilled that the horror of weaning is over.  That nearly killed me.  And in more personal news, I didn’t even have to pump that long, didn’t really get sore, and have pretty much stopped producing much at all - so that is a literal relief.
University Update:  After learning I was locked into paying for the course I had started a few days before my diagnosis, I was annoyed and anxious about what was the best course of action.  I decided that it would be better, for the purposes of my sabbatical (and needing to complete a certain amount of my program to meet the requirements of my district and not owe them back what I’ve earned this year) to struggle through the course, versus withdrawing, if we were paying for it either way.  So that’s what I did.  But, but rather than struggle through the course, I just kind of didn’t do anything.   I felt overwhelmed even thinking about it, so it was easier not to.  And I didn’t.  This past week, as week 8 (the final week) of my course began, I discussed my options for salvaging the course, so that I might at least “pass” with my chairperson.  She was accommodating and understanding, and now with even more craziness in the world, sympathetic.  She and I discussed a minimalist approach to completing back-work and hitting the milestones I missed in the last few weeks, so that I could still get some late credit.  I felt like so many of my students, basically asking, “What is the very least amount of work I can do and still pass your class?”  I suppose what goes around, comes around?
I started working my dissertation proposal again Thursday and will have more to work on this weekend - but should be able to pull off a small miracle.  I did send a crass email to the finance department and will likely be taking a hiatus from the program, as I am not sure where to go from here.  While I want to finish this dissertation and accomplish what I set out to -- I also just don’t give an eff at this point, and may want to spend the tiny bits of spare time I have doing things that make me genuinely happy.  After all, you only live (or die) once, and If the last two months say anything about life, well - that’s enough to scare anyone into treating each day as your last.
Side-effects Update: After my first injection, I felt okay for awhile, then got extremely tired for about two hours.  Later that night, I was quite nauseous and vomited a couple times.  By the next day, I felt a little wonky and sick - but overall, not terrible (more like a bad hangover).  Within two or three days, I think I felt normal again (what is normal anyway?).  Even now, almost three weeks later, I can still feel a bulbous spot in my upper butt cheek and from time to time it is sore.  I can definitely see why they recommend doing the injection on alternate sides.  The specialty pharmacy called me this week and everything is set up for my shot to arrive at Dr. Rose’s office sometime next week. He should be back to work on Monday and I am hoping he calls me with next steps/ideas.  The only thing I know for sure is that I need to get blood work next week and I am not looking forward to sitting at Labcorp and germ swapping with my Abington area neighbors, but I will be careful.
Anxiety Update: I started a daily dose of 5 mg of Lexapro about the same time as I started the Lanreotide - I think I have been on it for 25 days maybe.  I can’t really tell if I feel a difference because everything has calmed down a bit, and we have a plan of action to tackle this cancer and I am not actively writing my dissertation - or if the medication is working?  Hard to say.  I do feel better(ish), minus the impending shitstorm that is COVID-19 lurking around every corner.  My doctor, however, didn’t think I was any more susceptible than a normal 37 year old, so that was the good news.  The bad news is, that if they start making triage decisions based on health - metastatic cancer is one of the things that means you don’t get a ventilator - so I better watch my back (and wash my hands, and not touch my face, and all that jazz).  We’re socially distanced though, and other than my appointments, we will remain that way until things are less deathy out there.
Options Update: I am assuming that the whole COVID-19 thing has changed his thoughts on doing the embolization in April, and since Dr. Teitelbaum felt it was something we could hold off on, I think that may be the route we go now.  I don’t even know if they would do it, or if it would be considered elective.  Not that anyone would elect to go through this, but you know.  Hoping I will have a conversation with him on Monday to sort this all out.  Til then...
* Dark side: Quarantine, still, and maybe forever.
* Bright side: A lull in posts means a lull in “activity” means a lull in bad news - I’ll take it! * Next steps:
3/30/20 - Conversation with Dr. Rose about the plan of action
4/1/20 - 10:00 a.m. - Bloodwork at Labcorp
4/6/20 (tentatively) - next Lanreotide injection (I forgot to write down the time!)
* Sciencey GIF:
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gezzabella · 4 years
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Zedbox, Box Modular and Charles “Charlie” Dalton.
11 months ago today the groundworks for my Zedbox Garden Annexe ground to a halt as the team were called off site and an experience that has left me out of pocket and damage to both my physical and mental health began.
I’ve kept quiet and busy picking up the pieces until now but I feel the need to make people aware of what happened to me as there is a distinct risk that the same fate is awaiting other people out there. The former Director of Zedbox Charles Dalton aka Charlie has started a new venture almost identical to Zedbox! My story is long, sad and utterly frustrating however I hope you will read it and consider it carefully if you or anyone you know is considering a purchase from Gardenannexes.com by Box Modular (renamed just today on Companies House as GX Modular) as it might save time, health and money!
 After spending several months researching my options, making budgets and organising a loan I paid my first payment to order my Zedbox Garden Annexe in October 2018 to go in Grandma Betty’s garden. It was to be built on the site that was at the time occupied by my Grandfather’s old garage and shed. The idea of the Zedbox was to enable me to move in with Grandma Betty who being in her late 90s (at the time of ordering she was 97) needs a bit of help around the house and company as she had been living alone for some years. By having the Zedbox I would be on site with her but also would retain independence for both of us as I would have my own space. The Zedbox sounded amazing with all the things I needed; bedroom, shower room, living space and kitchen all brought in as flat pack and built on site in a matter of days.
 Excitedly I waited for the council to make a decision on the planning application and was ecstatic when I received a call just before Christmas 2018 confirming that my application was successful! My family generously gave me many items I needed to furnish my new home as Christmas gifts which helped my tight budget a lot and I packed them away to wait the few months until the build was completed. I had a site visit in early February 2019 and was promised a start date soon. After a bit of chasing of my project manager at Zedbox I was given a start date for the work. Once I had this I galvanised myself into action to get the site ready. I had the electricity company in to upgrade the property connection to accommodate my Zedbox usage. I decided on demolishing Granddad’s old shed myself and digging out a very stubborn holly bush that was in the way to save some of the budget not having to get a contractor in to do it. Eventually I had to admit defeat with the holly bush and get a chap in with a machine to dig up the roots as they were in too deep after 60 years of growth for me and my spade! I had a specialist company had to come in and remove the old garage as it was made of panels containing asbestos.
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 The Groundworks start date changed a couple of times due to “delays in the factory” after a piece of machinery broke down and then my project manager went AWOL with no answer to my messages or emails on the Thursday and Friday before the work was due to start on 25th March 2019 but I was told by another Zedbox employee by phone that it was on the job board. I was anxious all weekend whether or not the work would be going ahead but still prepared everything ready and waited on the Monday morning. Thankfully a friendly pair of guys arrived to start work first thing so I told myself that it was just a hiccup and should run smoothly from then on. Oh boy was I wrong!
 The people arrived but the equipment didn’t. Zedbox had told me that all the kit the team needed including a jackhammer, skip and portaloo would be delivered that morning. The chaps who had arrived to do the work tried their best to be productive taking up patio tiles by hand with a spade and pickaxe to get the water connection underway whilst they waited. I spent my morning on the phone trying to reach my project manager with the women answering the phones telling me again and again that he was unavailable and offering to take messages. After speaking with the workers they told me that the women answering the phone are virtual receptionists so they don’t actually know where anyone is and only ever pass on messages. I got frustrated and left another message with the ladies advising that I needed someone to call me back and tell me what was going on within the hour or I would get in my car and drive the 90 minutes to the office to get some answers in person. This did the trick and I was called back by a new person who advised that my project manager had unexpectedly left the business and this new guy would be taking over. I was informed that the missing kit would be arranged for the following day and as such the guys would be told to make safe what they had done and come back the next day.
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 The following day my friends the groundworkers returned still with no appropriate kit and tried their best to continue working using the pickaxe and a small jackhammer to start breaking up the concrete where the Zedbox was going to be built. The ground crew called me out of the house to ask if a change to the electricity connection would be ok. Originally the agreement was that the electric would be run from the fuse board in the front of the house through the front wall and laid into a channel under the driveway so that there weren’t any ugly wires running over the front of the house or causing a possible trip hazard at ground level. They now wanted to run the wires across the front of the house attached to the wall because it would be faster (and cheaper of course) but I said no as that was not what I had agreed in my contract with them. My groundworkers understood my refusal to accept that change and relayed the message back to the office. After that I made more calls to my new project manager telling him I was unhappy that still there was no sign of the kit and that the contracted plan was not being stuck to. At this point the project manager decided to pull the men off the site until he could organise the equipment and familiarise himself with my order. I was absolutely devastated with how badly it had been arranged.
 Over the next few weeks nothing happened. I was very anxious as the communication from Zedbox was virtually non existent even though I was spending hours on the phone and emails chasing what was happening. I discovered that the entire staff had been put on gardening leave for a fortnight and advised to seek employment elsewhere as they weren’t sure there would be jobs for them to return to. I took advice from CAB and frantically researched my rights whilst posting all over the Zedbox social media to try and get some answers from Charlie Dalton their Director. I kept being told when I did manage to reach my project manager was that there were financial issues that the management were trying to resolve before they could reinstate their supply of equipment and materials to continue my build and the others on the books. An image I posted of the mess, hole and exposed pipework left in the patio that was covered only by a thin piece of chipboard was retweeted by Janey Godley the comedian who has a far higher reach on social media than me with comments calling Charlie out and at last he finally made contact.
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 At first Charlie tried to tell me that everything in the business was fine and that all the hysteria online was caused by a disgruntled ex employee. I told him that as I had now spoken to a number of other customers experiencing similar issues to me I was not inclined to believe that and was utterly unconfident that the project would be completed. At this point Charlie admitted there were cashflow problems he was working to resolve by selling the sister business Smart Garden Offices to inject the cash into Zedbox. Charlie was adamant my project would be finished. In an attempt to restore my faith in him and the company Charlie arranged for a couple of other men to come and make safe the patio whilst he did what he needed to refinance the business which they did on 3rd April 2019 over a month after the work had begun. It took another 2 weeks of Charlie promising me various calls from others within the business to reschedule the work and I sent a formal letter as advised by CAB telling Zedbox that I required a revised schedule of works or a full refund. After a lot of cajoling and chasing by phone I was told that the team would be returning on 7th May 2019 (my birthday and the day I had previously been promised work would be complete by) to restart the groundwork with a view to completing the build by the end of May. I was exhausted by all this but thankful it seemed to finally be starting to move along again until my new project manager stopped answering emails and phonecalls. On 29th April I had to chase Charlie down again as I wasn’t getting anywhere and the new work date was the following week. I was promised a call from Richard Adams the acting MD which never happened. On 30th April I had a call from another Zedbox customer who I had connected with online. They had spoken to Richard Adams that morning and been told that he was on his way to a legal meeting with Charlie and as of the end of that meeting he would no longer be with the business and that it was going under.
 By now I was totally livid and left a string of voicemails on Charlie’s mobile demanding that he call me and explain what the hell was going on! It took a few hours before I got a text back saying that he was in a meeting with solicitors about the Smart sale and would call soon. I spent that day in an agony of anxiety and eventually when I did speak to Charlie I got another story about the Smart sale not going as planned and that I would still get my build if only I would wait a few more months as Charlie still needed to refinance things. I knew then that it was done but I needed to try absolutely everything so when Charlie offered a meeting the following week to see the factory and talk over his plans to resolve the issues I accepted. The meeting came on 8th May (the day after my birthday, what a great birthday that was full of anxiety about the meeting!) and I drove with my Dad to the Zedbox factory. We sat there and listened as we were given yet another story of how Charlie had been so certain he could fix things but he now had no choice but to put the company into liquidation. Dad calmly (and surprisingly politely) gave Charlie an earful about how badly he had treated me and the other 5 customers I had begun to communicate with. I sat there forcing myself to stay calm despite my sudden wish to reach across the table and hit Charlie (I didn’t and wouldn’t but for a split second the temptation was there). We left the office and drove home stunned that I had basically lost all money paid so far which amounted to almost £23,000! I had already tried to claim whatever I could back through the bank the previous week on advice from Charlie that it would be covered under Section 75 of the Consumer Credit Act but found that because my total Zedbox order including the balance left unpaid was greater than the upper limit of £30,000 I was basically screwed! A couple of days later Charlie posted an update on the Zedbox blog claiming he had personally spoken to every affected customer about the situation. I knew this was untrue as several of the people I was in contact with had not heard from him. I called him out on this and the post was swiftly edited.
 I attended a meeting a month later where the Liquidator was appointed and Charlie answered questions about what had happened. Several other creditors attended and between us we gave Charlie a pretty rough time questioning what had happened. As there is an issue of confidentiality at present I can’t tell you what I learned at that meeting or subsequent meetings I have attended at this time. Please trust me when I say that Charles Dalton CANNOT BE TRUSTED and has not learned from the demise of Zedbox as he claims on the new Gardenannexes.com site also he is still claiming untruths to the public. As of right now there is a page regarding Zedbox that says:
“In January 2020 Charlie Dalton set up The ZB Trust, an independent entity which is dedicated to honouring Zedbox warranties, repaying customers and all suppliers who were involved.
It is intended that all beneficiaries, contacted in January 2020, will receive full pay out via the
trust over a 48 month period. The Trust now trades the current XB range. Please click here to contact the Trustees.
Beneficiaries have password enabled access to the ZB Trust website: www.zbtrust.org.uk”
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This claim is NOT TRUE I and several other Zedbox creditors have heard nothing from Charlie or anyone on his behalf since June 2019. Another example I feel shows that “unusual” things are going on which is also available in the public domain is: Charlie registered his new company Box Modular under the name Charles Peter Dalton rather than his full name of Charles Peter EDMUND Dalton which was used to register Zedbox and sister company Smart Garden Offices. This makes it harder to find the trail of destruction so if anyone looks up Box Modular on Companies House they will not see the link between them. I do not feel that the page regarding Zedbox on the GardenAnnexes site is prominent enough to make the link between the companies obvious to potential customers. In my opinion the new business will go the same way as Zedbox and there will be more ordinary people like me who are left to deal with the aftermath.
I am now paying a loan back for something I paid for but never received. I ended up being signed off work for some time due to the mental health issues and high blood pressure caused by the stress of the Zedbox closure and loss of my paid monies. I am still taking medication for my blood pressure at present although I hope that this will eventually resolve itself. As my regular followers and friends know I was able to resurrect my project to be able to move in with Grandma Betty but many other creditors of Zedbox were unable to do this. The laws regarding insolvency in the UK have allowed Charles Dalton to basically start again with every possibility that history will repeat itself. Please take my warning and don’t give this man or any company he is affiliated with money as I do not believe that you will see either the product ordered or the money again! 
For those who want it the TL;DR version:
In my opinion after a really awful experience I don’t want anyone to be hurt by the Director of GX Modular formerly Box Modular like I and 50+ others were. Please do not give the company or any other associated with Charles Dalton your order!
Edit 11:37 27th February 2020
At 10:49 this morning a change of details for the Director was made on the Companies House record for GX Modular. I told Charlie about his “mistake” in June 2019 and it has taken him until now to correct it. Seems rather convenient that he only did so after my post went live.
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her-culture · 7 years
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Tim Burton and the Cult of the White Freaks
by Archita Mittra (20), India
I almost didn’t write this article. When I was 12 or 13, I went through an intense punk phase, complete with electric blue highlights, ripped jeans, inscribing Green Day lyrics on the walls of my room, and a vocabulary of extremely colourful expletives. I was a devoted rebel without a cause. I was suffering from a severe identity crisis.  I’ve always been a weird person. I’ve always liked the strange and eccentric characters. I took to writing emo poetry and creating morbid art, because I couldn’t speak, because for the most part of my childhood and my teenage years, I didn’t have the right words, the right face, the right personality, to fucking speak. I’m 20 now, and I still make morbid stuff, and things have changed, but only a bit. I close my eyes and I’m back there in that dark room with no light, a child with sewn lips, trying to articulate a trauma that knows no language. Somewhere in that demented darkness, I discovered, among other things, the films of Tim Burton. I fell in love with him and just some months back, I think, he betrayed me. This is why I almost didn’t write this article.  Let me tell you why I fell for him in the first place.  My skin’s brown as a dried walnut, and I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it’s going to stay that way, even if in my fantasies I’m white as Mia Wasikowaska’s Alice exploring a Gothic wonderland and having tea with a Mad Hatter wearing too much of white face paint. And, for as long as I could remember, that was a problem to everyone else. Why wasn’t my skin tone as fair as my parents, all my relatives would whine at every wedding and social gathering that my shy and introverted self was forced to attend. In holiday pictures, people teased me by asking if I was adopted. My classmates and I would play a game where the person with the lightest skin tone would win. During the annual school play, I was supposed to be grateful because I was getting to wear an expensive and exquisitely beautiful gown, pretending to be a spoilt stepsister and not the beautiful and oh-so-white Cinderella. Hey, at least I got the limelight for a bit. And yeah, it’s so okay, that even the colour pencils I use to make my art, label the peachy-pink tone as ‘skin’ and my brown flesh as well, just brown. Brown as tree bark, I suppose. For a long time, I kept telling myself that my shyness, my social anxiety, my crippling depression wasn’t because of all the bullying I had to endure at school, wasn’t because I was darker than everyone else around me, that it was just a manufacturing defect. Isn’t it normal for people to make fun of those who st-st-stammer? Isn’t it abnormal to st-st-stammer when you’re talking about the things you love and the things you fear? So, I did the only thing I could. I stopped talking. I wrote instead, but even that frightened me. Tim Burton was the best friend I never had. Because his films with all their Gothic visuals and macabre aesthetics, were about people supposedly like me. Beetlejuice wasn’t my first Tim Burton film but it is significant in two respects. One, it was Burton’s breakthrough film that landed him the offer to direct the blockbuster Batman films and kick-start the superhero industry. Two, it introduced to the world what is now regarded as the popular stereotype of the Goth girl: the charming Lydia Deetz. For my depressed 14 year old self who was tired of making up imaginary friends to play with and slitting wrists, the black-clad, eye-liner-wearing psychic and photography enthusiast became both my role model and my mirror image. She was introverted (yay), creative, super duper depressed and could talk to ghosts. She was me! Of course there was something strikingly wrong with this image and I tried to ignore it by smearing a shit load of face powder on my brown brown face: she was white. Years later, Tim Burton’s trademark vision gave way to the pastiche dark fantasy comedy Dark Shadows, which although failed commercially, greatly pleased me aesthetically. Johnny Depp was playing a delicious vampire, fashion icon Helena Bonham Carter was a psychologist, a sassy teenage girl was later revealed to be a werewolf, the whole family was as dysfunctional as mine and the soundtrack included both the Carpenters and Alice Cooper. What else could a lonely POC girl, steadily losing her mind in a world of Gothic films that reflected back her own emptiness and strangeness, ask for?  And even now, despite everything that has happened to me, Edward Scissorhands still remains as one of my favourite films, and although I pride myself as the type of person who doesn’t cry while watching a movie, my eyes were watery by the time Edward and Kim had parted ways and Edward remained in that dark castle, lonely as he ever was, making snow with his scissor hands. I was simultaneously Edward, this misfit-monster abandoned by God and his parent, and Kim, the suburban girl, slowly tasting what it is to love a stranger whose heart is so familiar and to dance for the first time in snow. And I thought, as I watched the pain in Edward’s eyes that it was Burton and not Edward, who was pleading to the audience to look beyond appearances and voicing for the first time, his childhood issues of alienation and misrepresentation. Soon after watching the film, my diary entries (I kept several journals because I didn’t have ‘real life’ friends to talk to) began to be addressed to a mysterious man named Edward while the Johnny Depp fan art I made bore the note ‘the only Edward I ever loved’ much to the annoyance of my Twlight-obsessed classmates. The movie wasn’t perfect, but then again, most beautiful things never are. And I’d long outgrown my fangirly love for Depp, long before those allegations about abusing Amber Heard began. But the love story with Tim Burton doesn’t end here. In 2010, when Alice having slain the Jabberwocky is preparing to leave, the Hatter softly requests her to stay. Alice promises to come back but the Hatter is unconvinced, saying she won’t remember him. Alice was not ready to comprehend the implications of that exchange, but I did and it terrified me to death.  Tim Burton’s movies were the wonderland I would run away to, to escape my harsh reality, to forget this world that wouldn’t treat me as one of them, because I wasn’t fair enough, because fuck it, I wasn’t normal enough. I was trapped in the world of the Mad Hatter, a dream concocted by Alice, a world that is fragile and ephemeral, a world that disappears the moment Alice wakes up and forgets her dream.  I’ll come back to this later, but for now, let me tell you the final lesson I learnt from watching Tim Burton’s movies: I learned to hope. In his delightful stop-motion animated feature Frankenweenie, Victor attempts to bring his dead pet dog Sparky back to life and he does so with disastrous consequences. Watching it and remembering all the pets I’d loved who died and would sell my soul to bring back, I was filled with a childlike sense of hope and the realization that I wasn’t alone for believing in and desperately hoping for impossible things, I wasn’t alone in being misunderstood and misrepresented. For once being the weird kid in class and scribbling poems and doodles on the sly, didn’t matter. Not having people to connect to, or appreciating me for the messed-up person I was, didn’t matter. I was okay. I didn’t have to be normal like everyone else, because there were people like Tim Burton who could totally get me. At least that’s what I felt when he said stuff like, ‘I think a lot of kids feel alone and slightly isolated and in their own world.’ And as much morbid a Tim Burton film may appear to a first time viewer (especially if it’s Corpse Bride), Burton’s characteristic brand of Gothic-ness wasn’t so much as a celebration of death, as it was a celebration of life. Working within the Hollywood system, Tim Burton has managed to retain his personality and also be, subversive. And that was so fucking inspiring to me.  Why then did this man, who dresses up in black, whose films have tried to teach me to fall in love with myself and to believe in magic, miracles and impossible things, suddenly, betray me?  Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children should have been my perfect film. After all, it’s a film about kids who are eccentric and don’t fit in, has time travel and a love story thrown in the mix and a secret house where they can be themselves. It is exactly the stuff I relate to and enthusiastically devour.  But this is what Tim Burton did. When asked about the lack of diversity in his films, he said ‘Nowadays, people are talking about it more. But things either call for things, or they don’t. I remember back when I was a child watching The Brady Bunch and they started to get all politically correct, like, OK, let’s have an Asian child and a black — I used to get more offended by that than just — I grew up watching blaxploitation movies, right? And I said, that’s great. I didn’t go like, OK, there should be more white people in these movies.” In that singular moment, my whole carefully-constructed illusion came crashing down, so efficiently, I didn’t even realize it. Okay, I told myself, I’m a POC and I’m not ‘called for’. All through my life I have been worshipping a man in whose imagination, I have no space, I do not exist. I’m the Mad Hatter in Alice’s world, alive for a short time, useful as a plot device and erased out of the narrative, the moment Alice returns to the real world.  Is this the kind of space WE occupy in the white imagination? Okay, I tell myself. At least unlike Steven Moffat, he isn’t famous for saying a string of problematic things. Okay, perhaps it was someone else’s fault- maybe Ransom Riggs or a Disney executive didn’t want too much tampering with the too-white source material( Never mind what he did with Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by adding a back story to Willy Wonka that I totally loved). Plus if he really suffers from Asperger’s Syndrome, as his ex-partner Helena Bonham Carter claimed, we shouldn’t take his words to heart. Maybe he didn’t mean it. It’s just one blunder, I told myself. It doesn’t change anything.  But it did. It changed everything. I couldn’t make any more excuses. Taking a look at his entire filmography-a career spanning over three decades- I realized that casting white, pale-as-death people is his artistic and directorial choice. It’s his fucking personal and creative choice. He just said that out loud. And it’s shoved into my face that this is a world running on white privilege and racism and hate crimes. That it’s the discrimination that POC face on a daily basis both from the whites and the communities who have internalized such values is the reason why I’m too afraid to even consider studying abroad in the UK or USA because Brexit and Trump administration yada yada, why I’m never ‘pretty enough’ to be considered to take part in college fashion shows built on patriarchal beauty conventions, why I still spend a part of my earnings on cosmetics that promise me ‘fair’ skin. My skin color isn’t an issue, most charming hypocrites will claim, it’s my shyness and weirdness and my lack of fucking ‘normal-ness’ that’s to blame.  I wish someone would just tell me that I was born okay, that I am okay, that I’m not some sort of manufacturing defect most people think I am. In other words, Tim Burton’s niche audience wasn’t as inclusive as I made it out to be. It had outsiders and misfits yes, but only the white ones. Tim Burton’s fan club is a cult of white freaks, not Black freaks, not POC freaks, not any non-white freaks.  I can’t be a part of this fan club, because in their world, I don’t exist. I am not ‘called for.’ When Ash Davis responds to Burton’s comment, she writes this brilliant article and says, ‘I write fanfiction for the people Tim Burton says are not ‘called for’. My mind, likewise, is a movie theatre where I edit my favourite films and include myself in the lead. I change the endings, add more romance when I’m lonely, put on costumes so outrageous that my mum won’t even let me wear on Halloween, deliver the dialogues my mouth will never speak, and feel a sense of belonging that is every bit delightful and artificial and illusory. In the films I direct in my mind, I look like the typical Tim Burton heroine. I’m white, not brown.  This is what the white gaze has done to me.  When I fell in love with his films, I thought I was seeing myself reflected back in Jack Skellington, in Lydia Deetz, in Edward Scissorhands, in Ed Wood, in Willy Wonka, in the Mad Hatter, in young Victor, in the Corpse Bride, in Ichabod Crane, but I never saw myself. I only saw what I wished so desperately to be seen as. Do I stop watching Tim Burton films after that racist comment? No. A part of me still hopes he’ll apologize or better yet include people who actually look like me in his next film. A fangirl, can hope, right? After all his films did help me to get through some dark times, albeit in a twisted way and I can’t erase those tense growing-up years when his oddball characters were all I could hold onto. But at the end of the day, he belongs to the mold of white film directors who make white movies for a predominantly white audience and think diversity POC-narratives aren’t important at all.  But do Tim Burton films help me feel less lonely and less marginalized and less threatened by the big bad world out there? Not a bit.
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scriptshrink · 7 years
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Would it be realistic for a character who experienced some really nasty abuse as a kid to have days when he just can't function at all, and would have to call in to work on short notice? If so, how often might that happen? Would his niece coming to live with him make it worse? (he already lives with someone he's not related to because of how housing works, but if it's realistic I might decide that person is an aide.) What would he be able to do on those days? Could he eat, talk, write, nothing?
CW: child abuse is discussed, but no details of abuse.
Snail
Would it be realistic? Yes. 
How often might that happen? It would likely go through periods of it happening more often and less often. The upper limit will be dictated by his job - if you want him to keep his job, that is going to limit how often he cancels work at late notice. There is no lower limit either - clearly, some people experience abuse but don’t have any days that they need cancel work for. 
Would his niece coming to live with him make it worse? Completely depends. Could do. If it does, here are some thoughts/worries that he might have: 
That’s what a six year old is like. How could anyone have done that to me when I was so small?
What if I am just like Them (the ones who hurt him), what if I hurt her? 
His niece could act as a trigger, reminding him of being a child, leading to flashbacks and the impeded functioning that follows.
Charlie 
A few things about the niece: are they close? Does he feel safe with her? Do they have conflicting personalities? All of these things will contribute to how he feels and how it impacts him. If the niece is someone he doesn’t know particularly well, he’s likely to feel unsafe, and that’ll make things worse.
The niece may behave in ways that he finds unpredictable and scary, and that could make him worse.Or even just the sudden change of a person moving in suddenly may trigger something. 
Otherwise, it’s totally realistic for someone to have days like those, but I’d maybe specify if they have a specific mental illness that causes them to be unable to function. Childhood abuse can cause such a huge number of issues; dissociation, PTSD, depression, even somatic symptoms like bodily pain, fatigue, or headaches. The exact abilities of a person on their bad days would depend, and is something you get to choose while writing the character. He may be able to eat and talk, but maybe just going outside and interacting with people is too much. Or he may spend the entire day in his bed, withdrawn and unable to eat. Or be somewhere in between. 
It’s more likely that there would be a combination of different days though - maybe on his worst he can’t leave his bed and hides under the covers all day because anything more is just too much, but he has other days where he’s not up to working, but he can interact with a small group of people that he knows and eat, even if he maybe doesn’t make the “healthiest” food choices. 
How often it happens is also up to you as the writer. Realistically, it won’t follow a “schedule” - something will trigger it. Maybe he’s taken on too much at work and has become overloaded, or maybe he’s suddenly been exposed to something that reminds him of the abuse.
Abuse survivors often need as much control as possible around their environment in order to feel safe. And related to that, safety is the most important thing for someone to heal from any kind of trauma. So when judging a characters response to a situation, I’d pretty much always be asking myself “is this something they would feel safe with?”
Anon 5
Yeah, I’d definitely say it’s possible especially if something big triggered it. Trigger responses (Dissociation, PTSD flashbacks, etc) can last a long time. Sometimes the response can last more than a day. It’s realistic even if there was no huge trigger of abuse. He might just feel depression symptoms, anxiety, etc. All can be extreme and can limit his ability to function. As for what he could do, it really depends on the individual and intensity. Somethings are easier to do for different people. I’d say try to use his character to decide what he might be capable of/if he’s high functioning enough. Stuff like that.
NaamahDarling
Lord, yes, this is realistic.  His level of dysfunction is totally up to you, so you have quite a bit of control.  The addition of a dependent or even just another housemate is likely to be quite stressful and will probably make things worse for a while in that he will have fewer spoons to divert to self-management/self-care if his attention is also being taken up with a new person around.  The addition of a young person is also likely to bring up issues surrounding his past, as Snail pointed out. 
Writing-advice-wise, you have control over his level of functionality.  You can start by mapping out what a good, moderate, and bad day typically look like for him, and save that to refer to.  Map out what it looks like when he’s nonfunctional and then go through and kind of decide in which order those symptoms come into play so you have an idea of what it looks like at any given point on the scale.  I did this for a character of mine and it was actually quite helpful.  I could look at what he was being asked to deal with/do, and look at where he was in terms of being functional that day, and decide which symptoms were most likely to be triggered by that event.
lotevane
Childhood abuse affecting day to day functioning as an adult?  Yes, this is currently my situation.  In my case, I’m lucky that my boss’ attitude about it is “I don’t care what you do as long I get the work I want from you”.  At its worse, I skip a solid ten days of work and not even answer the phone, at my best, I’m at work four days out of five. Usually I’m at work three days a week. For the first few years I almost never got my full salary from all the absent days cuts; lately my boss has been more understanding and working with me, giving me special assignments so I can work from home, things like that.  I’m one of her most productive people even though my coworkers think I’m a slacker just for not physically being there. 
You know who’s brutal though? People you have social obligations towards. Friends and family. They’re merciless and unforgiving, even those who know what’s going on have little sympathy because they end up coming across bad if you don’t show up for social functions. 
Living with someone he’s not related to: that person would either come to understand them or come to despise them. Might be both at the same time.
Niece making it worse: yes, oh yes. Even having responsible adults around is hard, let alone someone you’re responsible for. 
What would he be able to do on those days… it really depends on what you’re trying to do with this character, for example what sort of abuse they had.  On my worst days, I hardly talk, eat maybe once, and spend the day in a zoned out haze.  Usually it’s less severe, usually it’s just the frustration of being noticeably broken in societal terms.
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searchingforsignal · 4 years
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Goodwill Has Left Politics
Nary a day go by where I don’t see politics plastered across social media. Overwhelmingly, it is individuals advocating for very progressive causes with witty slogans and fancy graphics. You can find accounts on the right as well, but those are often ‘Think Tanks’ or political advocacy groups. Rarely are they people that you know (as is the case with my liberal friends). Both sides have the right to do that, but the unrelenting echo chamber this environment forms forces people deeper and deeper into tribalism, especially when the other side feels like it can’t respond. I wrote another post a while back advocating for choosing to love those who disagree with us and I won’t rehash those arguments here. This time I want to voice why those witty quotes are disingenuous at best and malicious at worst.
Because I’m going to bash on the liberal side a bunch let me just reiterate that there are people on the right who do the same thing and I’m not looking to give them a free pass. One of two semi-political arguments I’ve gotten into on social media was with a right-of-centre account who insisted that 9/11 must have been faked because you couldn’t see the airplane hitting the pentagon in footage (Spoiler alert: if you go frame by frame, you can for ~2 frames, which corresponds to what you would expect on a low frame rate camera). But for this post, I’m literally going to go through my social media accounts and just respond to the things I’m seeing.
1) You MUST vote for Biden in order to stop Trump (or voting for anybody but Biden is evil/treasonous/makes you a terrible person) and the ‘Stop Trump at all costs’ mentality in general
Two problems with this one. First, how condescending is it to assume that you can tell somebody how they must vote. If you want to lay out arguments why Biden is the best candidate, by all means, go ahead, but don’t tell somebody that they need to vote for Biden because he’s not Trump and the Democratic nominee. Second, this is a recipe for long-term electoral failure. Thinking like this may win 2020 because of how extremely flawed Trump is, but what happens when a mainstream Republican who is willing to play to the populists runs in 2024? This doesn’t encourage the Dems to correct the very serious structural problems that lost them the Rust Belt. Trump is a symptom, not a cause. And beating Trump won’t magically fix all the things you don’t like about his supporters, they will still be there, ~40% of the population, voting, protesting, advocating. If the goal is to bring them into the fold again, just beating Trump won’t achieve that, in fact it may just make it worse.
2) The reason why Trump is treated extraordinarily poorly is because Trump is extraordinary
This is laughable to anybody who has an accurate memory of 2012. Trump won the primary because the Republicans were tired of taking the high road and getting beat up for it. Mitt Romney was not treated kindly and respectfully in 2012. He was one of the nicest guys ever to run for President and he was smeared as a ruthless businessman who was grossly incompetent and had a foreign policy out of the Cold War (Hahahahah remember when Obama criticised Romney for calling Russia our number one geopolitical foe...). McCain was treated much the same way. He wasn’t a war hero, he was a loose cannon, liable to snap at any instant. Republicans nominated Trump because Trump was an asshole. He would roll around in the mud without any shame. Trump publicly treated the Democrats the same way that Democratic groups would treat Republican candidates. Did Trump take this to a new level? Yes. Is this how politics should work? No. But to pretend that both sides aren’t guilty is to live in an alternate timeline.
3) Anybody who doesn’t support Black Lives Matter but supports Blue Lives Matter has some issue with the word Black (with the implication that they’re racist).
Uhhh... This is just disingenuous. The reason most people who disagree with BLM disagree isn’t because they believe that Black lives don’t matter, but rather because they disagree with the people who run the BLM movement. I’m not an expert on this so I’m going to kind of punt on this a little, but BLM advocates for specific policies. Somebody who has an issue with those specific policies can disagree with the organisation without disagreeing that Black lives matter. (In short, we have the phrase Black Lives Matter and the organisation Black Lives Matter. It’s reasonable to assume that the people who use “All Lives Matter” or “Blue Lives Matter” are arguing against the latter rather than the former [or at least we should grant them that presumption of goodwill until they prove otherwise].)
4) CHOP/CHAZ/Portland/Insert City Here Has Entirely Peaceful Protests
Okay, this is tough, but the important thing here is that everybody can be wrong. The entire city may not be burning and 90%+ of the protests may be peaceful, but there were several shootings in CHAZ/CHOP and there was, at the very least, property destruction in Portland. This means that the protests aren’t entirely peaceful. Might there be other factors (instigation?) at play, sure. But we shouldn’t lie to advance our own position.
5) If you think wearing a face mask infringes on your rights you’re just an asshole
This is another situation where several things can be true at the same time. The part that people choose to overlook is that a government FORCING you to wear a face mask in public can be a violation of your rights. But, if you can wear a face mask and you don’t well... then you might be an ass... Just because you think you have the right not to do something doesn’t mean you should choose to exercise that right.
6)  Accusing Trump of some -ism or -phobia
You’re not winning anybody over with this... People either already agree with you or you’re pushing them away. If you have a real argument against a policy present that instead, you might actually change somebody’s mind this way
7) Being Apolitical on your social media means you support the status quo
No, I just know that social media is a shitty place to have these conversations, and I’m not looking for a pat on the back or to start a fight. Talk to me privately if you want a serious conversation.
8) Police chose to be police so we shouldn’t advocate for their safety
Bloody hell... This one is stupid. There were several innocent police officers who were killed execution style the last time there were mass protests against police brutality so I think at least a little concern is warranted. Also this in no way has to or should take away from a discussion of how to address police brutality. Once again, both things can true at the same time-- this doesn’t have to be a zero-sum game.
9) Democrats have a police reform bill, but the senate won’t take it up
Yeah, this one is TECHNICALLY true, but everybody knew that the Democratic bill had too many poison pills for Republicans to swallow. However, Senate Republicans had a bill too (one that was more moderate, it was essentially everything from the Democratic bill that both sides could agree on), which Sen. Schumer and most of the Senate Democrats filibustered to keep it from coming up for debate and amendment... At the very least, both parties are equally to blame here, though had Schumer allowed the bill to go to floor debate and it passed, then they would have gone into conference and negotiated a compromise.
10) Selective Political Myopia
This really encompasses many of the things above. We all tend to get caught up in the moment and forget the emotional baggage that some things carry with them. We don’t want to hear why the other side might find one of our positions problematic. Most everybody, myself included, is guilty of this; it’s why confirmation bias is a thing. F. Scott Fitzgerald said, “The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.” So let’s all agree to do our best to be a first-rate intelligence. To see both sides of an issue and continue to function and to truly try and understand why your political “opponents” feel the way they do.
In closing IDGAF what your politics are, just be nice, respect the people who disagree with you, and do your best to actually listen to the other side. If I put some effort in I’m totally certain I could replicate this post with Right-Wing slogans, but I think that would be too much Charlie Kirk for me to take.
To end on a more positive note, I do want to say that I am really heartened to see real positive change being made towards equality.
Okay, Rant without direction complete! If you’ve actually read this far, thank you. Be warned, I will not even look at the notes on this-- Too much anxiety. If you actually want to talk to me, shoot me a message and I’ll answer, well, the next time I open Tumblr (which could be several weeks)
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cryptochurp · 6 years
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Op Ed: Tulip Myths and Modern Cryptocurrency Skepticism
“Ever heard of tulips?” It’s a question anyone who is publically involved in the cryptocurrency space has been asked multiple times. With the enormous gains in value the industry has seen, many observers come to the same conclusion. It’s a bubble.
The take is not a terrible one and many experienced cryptocurrency traders agree with the sentiment. Bubbles have come to be an expected occurrence in the space. The difference in opinion comes when deciding whether the “pop” will be a minor setback or the final conclusion in an exciting but short-lived ride.
On one side are the supporters of cryptocurrency. Their motivations can be boiled down to two points: desire for profits and a belief that the technology will benefit humanity. They believe that bubbles are a natural phenomenon in price discovery and an inevitable part of the long-term upward trend in value that will occur as cryptocurrencies become more utilized. They also understand that, while bubbles can hurt some traders in the short term, they are a necessary evil in the development of a technology which stands to dramatically increase human financial freedom. Sometimes these motivations can seem at odds, but in general they coexist within the community.
Get rich making the world a better place. It’s an attractive pitch.
On the other side are the skeptics. Doubt in cryptocurrency has made strange bedfellows of a band of commentators as diverse as it is vocal. Nobel prize economists, billionaire bankers, goldbugs and central banks have all weighed in to signal their prediction of the industry’s inevitable demise. And with the spotlight of increasing coin valuations has come even more doubters. In the age of Twitter, it’s almost essential that you have an opinion on the matter and that you let the world know it. For detractors, the tulip meme often comes into play:
OG Bitcoin pic.twitter.com/qQSMJYhLR7
— Tommy Vietor (@TVietor08) January 6, 2018
For skeptics as much as believers, there is a personal economic motivation. While they may not have cashed in on the extraordinary rise of cryptocurrencies, they think the game is rigged from the start. By keeping their hard earned cash out of the market, they are saving themselves from an “inevitable” crash to zero.
But under this current of self-preservation is an ethical play opposite to that of cryptocurrency supporters. Many detractors believe that this technology is not just ridiculous but actually harmful to society. What drives this outlook? The true history of the tulip bubble can give us an interesting view of the motivations driving their sentiment.
An Early Mania
Tulip Mania is the go-to story whenever someone wants to talk about humanity’s penchant for irrational exuberance in financial markets. It’s the catchy name for the extraordinary rise in value, and subsequent crash, of Dutch tulip bulb valuations over a four month span from November 1636 to February 1637. This phenomenon had devastating effects on the Dutch economy and left many people in financial ruin.
At least that’s how the story is told.
But according to Anne Goldgar, Professor of Early Modern History at King’s College London and author of Tulipmania: Money, Honor, and Knowledge in the Dutch Golden Age, the popular story is mostly an exaggeration.
The description of her book reads like this:
“We have heard how these bulbs changed hands hundreds of times in a single day, and how some bulbs, sold and resold for thousands of guilders, never even existed. Tulipmania is seen as an example of the gullibility of crowds and the dangers of financial speculation. But it wasn’t like that … not one of these stories is true.”
Goldgar uses extensive research to expose that, while there was a rise and crash of tulip prices, much of what we believe about the period is the product of historical exaggeration from a small number of writers.
What drove this? According to Goldgar, it was a product of societal anxieties triggered by the immense riches of the Dutch Golden Age. As Lorraine Boissoneault writes in Smithsonian Magazine’s recent piece on the book, “All the outlandish stories of economic ruin, of an innocent sailor thrown in prison for eating a tulip bulb, of chimney sweeps wading into the market in hopes of striking it rich — those come from propaganda pamphlets published by Dutch Calvinists worried that the tulip-propelled consumerism boom would lead to societal decay.”
English historian Simon Schama also writes of the period: “The prodigious quality of their [the Dutch] success went to their heads, but it also made them a bit queasy. Even their most uninhibited documents of self-congratulation are haunted by the threat of overvloed (abundance) ... a word heavy with warning as well as euphoria.”
When looked at through the lens of this historic research, the legend of the tulip bubble becomes less about financial mania and more about the way that an economic memory can reflect a society’s collective mindset. The Dutch Golden Age represents a period during the 17th century when “Dutch trade, science, military, and art were among the most acclaimed in the world.”
This transformation was termed the “Dutch Miracle” by historian K.W. Swart. But, while it is easy to look back now and realize this era was a huge stepping stone to the modern prosperity the Dutch people enjoy today, at the time the progress was not as apparent. Many of the Dutch found a hard time adjusting to a society where fortunes were being created overnight. Schama compares the mindset to one which was found by de Tocqueville in 19th century America: “that strange melancholy which often haunts the inhabitants of democratic countries in the midst of their abundance, and the disgust at life which sometimes seizes upon them in the midst of calm and easy circumstances.”
While there was undoubtedly a run on Dutch Tulip prices, it seems there was an equal run on seizing the opportunity to find a negative aspect to extraordinary societal progress. Today, we are seeing the same mindset from cryptocurrency skeptics.
Modern Anxieties
Cryptocurrency has arrived at an uncomfortable moment in history. There is a wide debate surrounding whether or not technology is hurting human progress. Many argue that smartphones are making kids depressed and robots are taking our jobs. The thought is that technology which was supposed to make life better is instead causing us to become stupid, antisocial and unhealthy. On top of this, the freedom of speech made possible by the internet is being questioned for the alleged harm it can cause to democracy.
It is in this atmosphere of negativity that critics have found their “tulip moment” in cryptocurrency. It is being latched onto as an lightning rod for these growing worries about a society that is becoming radically shaped by the digital age. Detractors consistently ignore any possible justification for cryptocurrency to be considered useful and instead focus on its most distasteful features:
Haha, I feel sorry for all you losers who missed out on the Bitcoin train. You should've bought in years ago, like me: A perfectly normal man who coincidentally hoarded a virtual currency during a time when it's only use was for sex trafficking and purchasing organs.
— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) December 8, 2017
Many cannot push their analysis past observations of price movements. Warren Buffett partner Charlie Munger has described the cryptocurrency scene as “total insanity” and recently told an audience at University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business, “I think it is perfectly asinine to even pause to think about them. It’s bad people, crazy bubble, bad idea, luring people into the concept of easy wealth without much insight or work.”
Others, echoing popular sentiment questioning unbridled freedom of speech, are worried about a lack of governmental oversight. Back in 2013 author Charlie Stross wrote in Why I Want Bitcoin to Die in a Fire that “Bitcoin looks like it was designed as a weapon intended to damage central banking and money-issuing banks, with a Libertarian political agenda in mind — to damage states’ ability to collect tax and monitor their citizens’ financial transactions … late-period capitalism may suck, but replacing it with Bitcoin would be like swapping out a hangnail for Fournier's gangrene.”
Economist Paul Krugman cited the article in his piece Bitcoin Is Evil, adding “Stross doesn’t like that agenda, and neither do I.” While Krugman did admit he was open to conversation on the topic, fellow economist, Joseph Stiglitz, has been less forgiving. Recently he told Bloomberg “Bitcoin is successful only because of its potential for circumvention, lack of oversight...So it seems to me it ought to be outlawed … It doesn’t serve any socially useful function.”
The Progress Paradox
Are these arguments baseless? Not at all. Cryptocurrencies do in fact make many unsavory things possible. But, much like supporters believe bubbles are a necessary evil for price growth, they also believe that some illicit activities are a worthwhile trade-off for the ability to have a censorship-resistant, value-transfer system. They believe the win for personal freedom trumps all else.
It looks as if this idea is spreading. Bitcoin alone has grown from roughly 6,000 transactions per day in January of 2011 to 240,000 transactions on January 1, 2018. With 1000+ other cryptocurrencies, each growing their own communities, this desire for this financial independence appears contagious.
To the critics, these statistics do not matter. They will continue to focus on perceived faults. As the myth of the Tulip Bubble illustrates, this is rooted in human psychology. Some people are set on ignoring the progress around them.
De Tocqueville observed: “In America I saw the freest and most enlightened men placed in the happiest circumstances that the world affords; it seemed to me as if a cloud habitually hung upon their brow, and I thought them serious and almost sad, even in their pleasures.” Over the last few centuries, technology has made our lives less nasty, brutish and short. But, for some of us, the natural reaction has been to question whether it was really worth it.
Cryptocurrency now finds itself at the center of this larger debate over the morality of technology in a developing society. If supporters have their way, it holds the power to usher in a new era of human economic freedom. If critics have their way it will be regulated to death.
Let’s hope one side ends up as forgotten as Calvinist pamphlet writers.
This is a guest post by Kenny Spotz. Views expressed are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of Bitcoin Magazine or BTC Media.
This article originally appeared on Bitcoin Magazine.
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ellahmacdermott · 6 years
Text
Op Ed: Tulip Myths and Modern Cryptocurrency Skepticism
“Ever heard of tulips?” It’s a question anyone who is publically involved in the cryptocurrency space has been asked multiple times. With the enormous gains in value the industry has seen, many observers come to the same conclusion. It’s a bubble.
The take is not a terrible one and many experienced cryptocurrency traders agree with the sentiment. Bubbles have come to be an expected occurrence in the space. The difference in opinion comes when deciding whether the “pop” will be a minor setback or the final conclusion in an exciting but short-lived ride.
On one side are the supporters of cryptocurrency. Their motivations can be boiled down to two points: desire for profits and a belief that the technology will benefit humanity. They believe that bubbles are a natural phenomenon in price discovery and an inevitable part of the long-term upward trend in value that will occur as cryptocurrencies become more utilized. They also understand that, while bubbles can hurt some traders in the short term, they are a necessary evil in the development of a technology which stands to dramatically increase human financial freedom. Sometimes these motivations can seem at odds, but in general they coexist within the community.
Get rich making the world a better place. It’s an attractive pitch.
On the other side are the skeptics. Doubt in cryptocurrency has made strange bedfellows of a band of commentators as diverse as it is vocal. Nobel prize economists, billionaire bankers, goldbugs and central banks have all weighed in to signal their prediction of the industry’s inevitable demise. And with the spotlight of increasing coin valuations has come even more doubters. In the age of Twitter, it’s almost essential that you have an opinion on the matter and that you let the world know it. For detractors, the tulip meme often comes into play:
OG Bitcoin pic.twitter.com/qQSMJYhLR7
— Tommy Vietor (@TVietor08) January 6, 2018
For skeptics as much as believers, there is a personal economic motivation. While they may not have cashed in on the extraordinary rise of cryptocurrencies, they think the game is rigged from the start. By keeping their hard earned cash out of the market, they are saving themselves from an “inevitable” crash to zero.
But under this current of self-preservation is an ethical play opposite to that of cryptocurrency supporters. Many detractors believe that this technology is not just ridiculous but actually harmful to society. What drives this outlook? The true history of the tulip bubble can give us an interesting view of the motivations driving their sentiment.
An Early Mania
Tulip Mania is the go-to story whenever someone wants to talk about humanity’s penchant for irrational exuberance in financial markets. It’s the catchy name for the extraordinary rise in value, and subsequent crash, of Dutch tulip bulb valuations over a four month span from November 1636 to February 1637. This phenomenon had devastating effects on the Dutch economy and left many people in financial ruin.
At least that’s how the story is told.
But according to Anne Goldgar, Professor of Early Modern History at King’s College London and author of Tulipmania: Money, Honor, and Knowledge in the Dutch Golden Age, the popular story is mostly an exaggeration.
The description of her book reads like this:
“We have heard how these bulbs changed hands hundreds of times in a single day, and how some bulbs, sold and resold for thousands of guilders, never even existed. Tulipmania is seen as an example of the gullibility of crowds and the dangers of financial speculation. But it wasn’t like that … not one of these stories is true.”
Goldgar uses extensive research to expose that, while there was a rise and crash of tulip prices, much of what we believe about the period is the product of historical exaggeration from a small number of writers.
What drove this? According to Goldgar, it was a product of societal anxieties triggered by the immense riches of the Dutch Golden Age. As Lorraine Boissoneault writes in Smithsonian Magazine’s recent piece on the book, “All the outlandish stories of economic ruin, of an innocent sailor thrown in prison for eating a tulip bulb, of chimney sweeps wading into the market in hopes of striking it rich — those come from propaganda pamphlets published by Dutch Calvinists worried that the tulip-propelled consumerism boom would lead to societal decay.”
English historian Simon Schama also writes of the period: “The prodigious quality of their [the Dutch] success went to their heads, but it also made them a bit queasy. Even their most uninhibited documents of self-congratulation are haunted by the threat of overvloed (abundance) ... a word heavy with warning as well as euphoria.”
When looked at through the lens of this historic research, the legend of the tulip bubble becomes less about financial mania and more about the way that an economic memory can reflect a society’s collective mindset. The Dutch Golden Age represents a period during the 17th century when “Dutch trade, science, military, and art were among the most acclaimed in the world.”
This transformation was termed the “Dutch Miracle” by historian K.W. Swart. But, while it is easy to look back now and realize this era was a huge stepping stone to the modern prosperity the Dutch people enjoy today, at the time the progress was not as apparent. Many of the Dutch found a hard time adjusting to a society where fortunes were being created overnight. Schama compares the mindset to one which was found by de Tocqueville in 19th century America: “that strange melancholy which often haunts the inhabitants of democratic countries in the midst of their abundance, and the disgust at life which sometimes seizes upon them in the midst of calm and easy circumstances.”
While there was undoubtedly a run on Dutch Tulip prices, it seems there was an equal run on seizing the opportunity to find a negative aspect to extraordinary societal progress. Today, we are seeing the same mindset from cryptocurrency skeptics.
Modern Anxieties
Cryptocurrency has arrived at an uncomfortable moment in history. There is a wide debate surrounding whether or not technology is hurting human progress. Many argue that smartphones are making kids depressed and robots are taking our jobs. The thought is that technology which was supposed to make life better is instead causing us to become stupid, antisocial and unhealthy. On top of this, the freedom of speech made possible by the internet is being questioned for the alleged harm it can cause to democracy.
It is in this atmosphere of negativity that critics have found their “tulip moment” in cryptocurrency. It is being latched onto as an lightning rod for these growing worries about a society that is becoming radically shaped by the digital age. Detractors consistently ignore any possible justification for cryptocurrency to be considered useful and instead focus on its most distasteful features:
Haha, I feel sorry for all you losers who missed out on the Bitcoin train. You should've bought in years ago, like me: A perfectly normal man who coincidentally hoarded a virtual currency during a time when it's only use was for sex trafficking and purchasing organs.
— Shane (@Shanehasabeard) December 8, 2017
Many cannot push their analysis past observations of price movements. Warren Buffett partner Charlie Munger has described the cryptocurrency scene as “total insanity” and recently told an audience at University of Michigan’s Ross School of Business, “I think it is perfectly asinine to even pause to think about them. It’s bad people, crazy bubble, bad idea, luring people into the concept of easy wealth without much insight or work.”
Others, echoing popular sentiment questioning unbridled freedom of speech, are worried about a lack of governmental oversight. Back in 2013 author Charlie Stross wrote in Why I Want Bitcoin to Die in a Fire that “Bitcoin looks like it was designed as a weapon intended to damage central banking and money-issuing banks, with a Libertarian political agenda in mind — to damage states’ ability to collect tax and monitor their citizens’ financial transactions … late-period capitalism may suck, but replacing it with Bitcoin would be like swapping out a hangnail for Fournier's gangrene.”
Economist Paul Krugman cited the article in his piece Bitcoin Is Evil, adding “Stross doesn’t like that agenda, and neither do I.” While Krugman did admit he was open to conversation on the topic, fellow economist, Joseph Stiglitz, has been less forgiving. Recently he told Bloomberg “Bitcoin is successful only because of its potential for circumvention, lack of oversight...So it seems to me it ought to be outlawed … It doesn’t serve any socially useful function.”
The Progress Paradox
Are these arguments baseless? Not at all. Cryptocurrencies do in fact make many unsavory things possible. But, much like supporters believe bubbles are a necessary evil for price growth, they also believe that some illicit activities are a worthwhile trade-off for the ability to have a censorship-resistant, value-transfer system. They believe the win for personal freedom trumps all else.
It looks as if this idea is spreading. Bitcoin alone has grown from roughly 6,000 transactions per day in January of 2011 to 240,000 transactions on January 1, 2018. With 1000+ other cryptocurrencies, each growing their own communities, this desire for this financial independence appears contagious.
To the critics, these statistics do not matter. They will continue to focus on perceived faults. As the myth of the Tulip Bubble illustrates, this is rooted in human psychology. Some people are set on ignoring the progress around them.
De Tocqueville observed: “In America I saw the freest and most enlightened men placed in the happiest circumstances that the world affords; it seemed to me as if a cloud habitually hung upon their brow, and I thought them serious and almost sad, even in their pleasures.” Over the last few centuries, technology has made our lives less nasty, brutish and short. But, for some of us, the natural reaction has been to question whether it was really worth it.
Cryptocurrency now finds itself at the center of this larger debate over the morality of technology in a developing society. If supporters have their way, it holds the power to usher in a new era of human economic freedom. If critics have their way it will be regulated to death.
Let’s hope one side ends up as forgotten as Calvinist pamphlet writers.
This is a guest post by Kenny Spotz. Views expressed are his own and do not necessarily reflect those of Bitcoin Magazine or BTC Media.
This article originally appeared on Bitcoin Magazine.
from InvestmentOpportunityInCryptocurrencies via Ella Macdermott on Inoreader https://bitcoinmagazine.com/articles/op-ed-tulip-myths-and-modern-cryptocurrency-skepticism/
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