#Conversations with People who hate Me

[it-goes-on]

“As a kid I would sometimes scream "I hate you!" to my parents at the top of my lungs. The trigger for this varied. Maybe they had broken the news to me that a playdate needed to be rescheduled, or maybe my television privileges had been revoked until I did my home-work. I probably said it, too, when they sat me down to review our new holiday itinerary during the first year of their divorce. Of course, I didn't mean that I hated them literally. To be honest, I don't think I knew what I meant. Maybe it was the preternatural entitlement that is found in only children, but I think it was something else: "Hate" was the only shorthand I had to express such big and indescribable feelings. Because I couldn't yet say "I am feeling something so profound and complex, the scope of which my burgeoning emotional vocabulary does not contain the words to describe, but if you'll be so kind as to give me space to process these emotions, I will accurately diagnose what is happening to me, I just said, "I hate you” instead. The closest approximation.

I wonder if a similar phenomenon was happening when this constant barrage of digital negativity came my way at such a fast rate. That in its relentlessness it became impossible to distinguish the level of severity of each comment or message. Perhaps, like my gestating mind in childhood, my developing digital mind didn't know how to process such a huge volume of criticism. So, instead of calling the folder on my desktop the "WIDE SPECTRUM OF DIGITAL NEGATIVITY THAT RANGES FROM MILD GRIEVANCE TO LITERAL DEATH THREATS OH AND ALSO TOTALLY JUSTIFIED CRITICISM, ALL OF WHICH COME FROM INDIVIDUAL HUMANS WITH THEIR OWN UNIQUE BACKSTORIES AND EXPERIENCES FOLDER,” I instead simply called it the HATE FOLDER, which got the job done much quicker.

-Dylan Marron, Conversations with People Who Hate Me

#okay I’m having a moment with there here tbh #and how defensive I and other people who post work online get #and how it feels to face the wave versus the people contributing to it. #anyway. it’s a good book!! #dylan marron #conversations with people who hate me #its me

[indelibleevidence]

I've been listening to Conversations With People Who Hate Me (which is SO FASCINATING, and has actually given me hope re: talking to my dad about some stuff) instead of watching 4x01, but I'm going to catch up today. ❤

#blindspot rewatch 2023 #conversations with people who hate me

[pensivetense]

Also the merch for this podcast slaps

#if this was sticker instead of a shirt I’d get it #cwpwhm #conversations with people who hate me

[mood2you]

J. A. Jance and Dylan Marron: Conversations on the 'Net

I actually was quite enamored by the "crazy" idea I had of reading 50/50 fiction and nonfiction, and I figured one way to do it was to pair books together. The first of this experiment is Edge of Evil, by J. A. Jance in 2006, and Conversations with People Who Hate Me by Dylan Marron in 2022, and it wasn’t on purpose so I’m glad it worked out. The best feature of Edge of Evil is Ali Reynolds blog, CutLoose, about having been fired from her newcaster position for younger talent, and then divorced for a younger mistress. Ali gets opinions and threats from all sorts of people, and feels genuine connection to some of them. She works through the mystery of whether her friend committed suicide on a dangerous road or was run off and who by, while strangers watch her and send her encouraging and discouraging emails. After some red herrings the ending surprised me, but more in the way of me not recognizing the name due to skimming too much. Like I said, the blogs are the best part, but there were a lot of other parts. Dylan Marron doesn’t blog because video killed the radio-star: he’s an actor, so he does podcasts, short-form video, and proformance art. His memoir is named after his podcast, and it’s the story of his career leading up to the podcast, and all the triumphs and tribulations of it. Yeah I don’t really have essay or anything... I could just soapbox about how service workers are treated, since Dylan Marron learned a ‘valuable lesson’ at a vegan restaurant and Ali Reynolds helped her parents with their diner while her father was in the hospital, but it would only make us both crabby.

#books #edge of evil #conversations with people who hate me #fifty fifty fiction or non

[ricearicema]

I just started listening to “conversations with people who hate me” and I love Dylan marron so much like such a girl boss how is he such a good guy and so good at having conversations with different people

#dylan marron #conversations with people who hate me #podcast

[transmascissues]

today, my coworkers’ refusal to see me as a man put one of our patients in a position where they felt unsafe for the third time. i’ve been at this job for less than two months total. i don’t even care about getting misgendered anymore, i just want the people we’re supposed to be taking care of to feel comfortable around me.

i work at a hospital where we have to supervise our patients in a lot of vulnerable situations. there are safeguarding rules in place for certain things that male employees aren’t allowed to be present for when it comes to female patients. and yet, the people training me and telling me what to do have repeatedly put me in situations where i’ve been forced to do things that the female patients aren’t comfortable with me doing. and because they have repeatedly failed to teach me the rules for doing my job as a man, i have no way of knowing when i’m crossing one of those lines unless one of the patients tells me.

i’ve had to watch a victim of SA stare at me in abject terror as my coworkers asked her to strip naked with me still in the room. it took several minutes for her to even be able to speak enough to ask if i could leave the room. i found out after that she broke down crying the moment i walked out. my biggest regret is that i didn’t realize what was happening fast enough to leave before she ever had to say something, because she shouldn’t have had to say it. i never should’ve been allowed in the room in the first place, because that’s not something male employees are supposed to be present for. but i didn’t know that yet, because i was training and i thought surely, they wouldn’t train me to do something that directly violated their own safeguarding rules. that moment was the first time, and it’s haunted me ever since, but it wasn’t the last time. not only did it happen for the third time today — it almost happened for the fourth, and would have if someone hadn’t spoken up to say they should pick someone else. i care for these people so deeply, it’s why i took this job, and i’m so tired of hearing the fear in their voices when they have to ask me not to do something i never should’ve been told to do.

i’m very used to the personal discomfort of being misgendered. i willingly deal with it a lot at work as well as in other situations, not because i’m in the closet (at this point in my medical transition that would be impossible), but because it’s such a frequent occurrence with my coworkers that we would never get anything done if i took the time to correct them every time. but to see it get to the point of causing such visceral discomfort in other people? people i’m supposed to be taking care of and keeping safe? that’s something else entirely, and i’m fucking exhausted.

and after all of that, some of them still look at me like i have two heads when they tell me what to do and i say “i can’t do that, only female employees can” because i’m learning now. clearly i’m already seen as a man by our patients, but my coworkers would still rather put them in an unsafe situation than just train me as a man.

#to be clear it’s four different things they’ve asked me to do that im not supposed to #as soon as i find out about one rule they ask me to violate a different one that i didn’t know about #i will never ever forget that girl’s face and i’ll never stop being angry for her #for all three of them but especially her #i hate my coworkers for a million different reasons #the patients are the only reason i didn’t quit this job after the first day #i just want to do right by them and sometimes it feels like i’m the only one working there who does #it kills me because the patients who know im trans have been so great about it too #most of them know nothing about trans people but they’re so willing to learn and so respectful and we’ve had such great conversations #they’re getting fucked over by someone else’s transphobia when they themselves don’t have a single transphobic bone in their bodies #i hate this place because i care about the people in it too much to stand by the way it treats them and it’s killing me #transandrophobia #transandromisia #transmisandry #virilmisia #virilphobia #anti transmasculinity #transmascphobia

[bookbaran]

Dylan Marron's Conversations With People Who Hate Me is very interesting, but it's also stressing me out.

#dylan marron #conversations with people who hate me

[ofbreathandflame]

With the rise of booktok/booktwt, there's been this weird movement against literary criticism. It's a bizarre phenomenon, but this uptick in condemnation of criticism is so stifling. I understand that with the rise of these platforms, many people are being reintroduced into the habit of reading, which is why at the base level, I understand why many 'popular' books on booktok tend to be cozier.

The argument always falls into the 'this book means too much to me' or 'let people enjoy things,' which is rhetoric I understand -- at least fundamentally. But reading and writing have always been conduits for criticism, healthy natural criticism. We grow as writers and readers because of criticism. It's just so frustrating to see arguments like "how could you not like this character they've been the x trauma," or "why read this book if you're not going to come out liking it," and it's like...why not. That has always been the point of reading. Having a character go through copious amounts of trauma does not always translate to a character that's well-crafted. Good worldbuilding doesn't always translate to having a good story, or having beautiful prose doesn't always translate into a good plot.

There is just so much that goes into writing a story other than being able to formulate tropable (is that a word lol) characters. Good ideas don't always translate into good stories. And engaging critically with the text you read is how we figure that out, how we make sure authors are giving us a good craft. Writing is a form of entertainment too, and just like we'd do a poorly crafted show, we should always be questioning the things we read, even if we enjoy those things.

It's just werd to see people argue that we shouldn't read literature unless we know for certain we are going to like it. Or seeing people not be able to stand honest criticism of the world they've fallen in love with. I love ASOIAF -- but boy oh boy are there a lot of problems in the story: racial undertones, questionable writing decisions, weird ness overall. I also think engaging critically helps us understand how an author's biases can inform what they write. Like, HP Lovecraft wrote eerie stories, he was also a raging racist. But we can argue that his fear of PoC, his antisemitism, and all of his weird fears informed a lot of what he was writing. His writing is so eerie because a lot of that fear comes from very real, nasty places. It's not to say we have to censor his works, but he influences a lot of horror today and those fears, that racial undertone, it is still very prevalent in horror movies today. That fear of the 'unknown,'

Gone with the Wind is an incredibly racist book. It's also a well-written book. I think a lot of people also like confine criticism to just a syntax/prose/technical level -- when in reality criticism should also be applied on an ideological level. Books that are well-written, well-plotted, etc., are also -- and should also -- be up for criticism. A book can be very well-written and also propagate harmful ideologies. I often read books that I know that (on an ideological level), I might not agree with. We can learn a lot from the books we read, even the ones we hate.

I just feel like we're getting to the point where people are just telling people to 'shut up and read' and making spaces for conversation a uniform experience. I don't want to be in a space where everyone agrees with the same point. Either people won't accept criticism of their favorite book, or they think criticism shouldn't be applied to books they think are well written. Reading invokes natural criticism -- so does writing. That's literally what writing is; asking questions, interrogating the world around you. It's why we have literary devices, techniques, and elements. It's never just taking the words being printed at face value.

You can identify with a character's trauma and still understand that their badly written. You can read a story, hate everything about it, and still like a character. As I stated a while back, I'm reading Fourth Wing; the book is terrible, but I like the main character. The worldbuilding is also terrible, but the author writes her PoC characters with respect. It's not hard to acknowledge one thing about the text, and still find enough to enjoy the book. And authors grow when we're honest about what worked and what didn't work. Shadow and Bone was very formulaic and derivative at points, but Six of Crows is much more inventive and inclusive. Veronica Roth's Carve the Mark had some weird racial problems, but Chosen Ones was a much better book in terms of representation. Percy Jackson is the same way. These writers grow, not just by virtue of time, but because they were critiqued and listened to that critique. C.S. Lewis and Tolkien always publically criticized each other's work. Zora Neale Hurston and Langston Hughes had a legendary friendship and back and forth with one another's works which provides so much insight into the conversations black authors and creatives were having.

Writing has always been about asking questions; prodding here and there, critiquing. It has always been a conversation, a dialogue. I urge people to love what they read, and read what they love, but always ask questions, always understand different perspectives, and always keep your mind open. Please stop stifling and controlling the conversations about your favorite literature, and please understand that everyone will not come out with the same reading experience as you. It doesn't make their experience any less valid than yours.

#long post #literary critique #literary criticism #booktok #books & libraries #booktwitter #but yeah it’s really hard for me to embrace booktube #and BookTok when the conversations that are most prevalent #are the ones telling people to not be critical of what they’re reading #esp the ones who desparately don’t want to understand differing opinions #‘how could you not like this’ or ‘how could you hate this character’ #easily #because I can #a traumatic backstory isn’t gonna erase a bad story #it isn’t going to make a character or book compelling #more trauma doesn’t make the story more complex #see: with fourth wing. #thank you for reading this long rant #congrats if you make it to the tags💀😭

[everysongineverykey]

don't hug me i'm scared episode 6 electricity is really something when you're autistic, huh. yellow guy is made fun of all his life by his only friends and laughed at for being "stupid" when all he needed was a change of batteries but no one would listen to him and give him the accommodations he needed and deserved and when he finally did get new batteries and become more clearheaded his friends didn't like him any better. they stopped making fun of him, sure, but they didn't like that he was "smart" all of a sudden, because they'd gotten used to him being "the stupid one". and he looked in the mirror and saw his former self, and his reflection asked him, "have we gone wrong? they seem upset with us" because the truth is even if the way you are now is more comfortable for you, even if it doesn't hurt to think anymore, people will only ever like you if you're the Right Kind of autistic/adhd/traumatized/whatever. have we gone wrong? have we gone wrong? that's what you always ask yourself. "maybe they're not in charge of us anymore." "maybe they never were." and his reflection walks away, as if accepting that the others will think what they will think, and it won't matter, because yellow guy is his own person, no matter how difficult it is for him to articulate his thoughts, and he doesn't need their approval to think. "maybe they never were."

#dhmis #don't hug me i'm scared #yellow guy's conversation with his reflection lives in my head rent free just so you know. #it's so important to me that although he's 'awakened' now- the part of him that's sensitive to what other people think #is still represented by his former self. the 'stupid' version of him. the naive hopeful kid who was mesmerized by a butterfly #and wanted to work with coworkers in a factory and missed duck so much when he died he dug him up #and hated himself for being 'stupid in the head' when he forgot the computer password. #even when yellow guy is clearheaded enough to see through the fabric of his reality #that part of him is still very much present and important in his life and thought processes. #it confuses me that some people seem to see the batteries as a metaphor for a 'cure' for autism or whatever. #to me the batteries are like adhd or schizophrenia medication or antidepressants. they make life easier #while you're dealing with a condition that would normally make moving through a neurotypical world pretty hard. #yellow guy is still the same person. he still cares about his friends' opinions. he's just much more clearheaded and articulate than usual.

[skunkes]

#prefacing this with I Know Spanish. i cant not know spanish‚ my parents don't speak english #but im the only one of my siblings that didnt get to go to school over there 🇲🇽 (just pre school) #adn the thing is like. my siblings wld talk to me in eng of course #(if they talked to me at all! what do u say to a baby when you're 9 12 and 15 yrs older.) #and my parents wld similarly jst not talk to me? i did not have conversations with them from birth to now lol. #thjere is something about how like. my sisters kids are also learning the languages at the same time #but when they mess up in spanish theyre corrected‚ by my sister (their mom)‚ my other sister‚ my parents #why not Me. why wasnt that extended to Me as a child... #the same reason I have the least amount of baby pictures while my siblings all have one full book each i bet #the same reason why my and my eldest sister are 15 yrs apart LOL #igts so crazy to me. i hate mentioning this bc people assume #im one of those ppl who isnt fluent bc their parents speak english and spanish and never taught them #my parents dont speak english❗❗❗❗ #my nephew thats older than me who is my fave family member and also only speaks spanish #is coming up on sunday idk that i can fully carry convo with him! #pure spanglish bc i didnt grow up having convos in it writing it reading it #thats why im so desperate to read books in spanish now. im so deeply ashamed #igts so crazy. i hate it. #saw a comment on smthng the other day thats like ''idk how u can have parents that only speak spanish and not know it lol'' #well can you take a guess. can u take a guess as to how that would happen via interactions. lack thereof. #idk why but its even more embarrassing this way. genuinely how cld u not know...? #its like i was born to feel isolated from my family in every single way...youngest by so many years #the language thing. the Hates Eating thing. the trans thing. most severe failure to launch #im so embarrassed to be alive....! #and i dont belong anywhere. and i am Alone wherever I am. #abandoned by direct and distant relatives. ancestors.

[anxiously-sidequesting]

you see Girls, i have this chronic clinical condition that has me vulnerable to sympathizing with irredeemable villains we as the audience are supposed to reject and despise in according to the narrative. it's called Woobifyitis. it's fatal and when i inevitably die in six days im going to be buried right inbetween malistaire and morganthe where i belong

#inspired by a discord conversation im having right now #i know i made that shitpost about making fun of malistaire several months ago but honestly? whatever. he's one of my favorites actually #im stuck in this limbo between “liking characters the narrative wants us to hate” and “forgetting what theyve done teehee 💖” #yeah morganthe was a war criminal! yeah grandfather spider attempted omnicide! who hasnt!? #also duncan can do no wrong actually. sorry i'm correct about this. he's committed no crimes to me #wizard101 #wiz101 #w101 #text posts #one day people will be so Done with me and my shitty(?) opinions. you guys have my permission to find my house and kill me on that day #love you tumblr user zorphie. we're having the best conversations always

[spacedlexi]

i forgot how weird people get sometimes when you add minnie to clemvi situations :/

#she is NOT a threat to their relationship. she is barely a blip on the radar #shes literally just here to cause problems #vi makes it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR that clem is her top priority she is so disgustingly painfully in love with clem its embarrassing #like girl i never doubted you for a second dw 😭 #but its like people want to see vi hate minnie.. like they cant grasp that shes moved on without her saying she hates her or smth #all the conflicting feelings are just so narratively juicy :) some people cant appreciate this it seems #and then theyll use it as an excuse to say clemvi sucks like okay everybody pack it up #people projecting their insecurities perhaps? (i know the answer) #and like even a captured vi who was manipulated into trusting minnie ends up getting her eyes burned out for it #like they both went down there but only vi got hurt?? and separated from minnie? hm interesting #clem fighting her own trauma of trusting the wrong people with vi continuously reassuring her nothings changed she loves her #clem would appreciate that. i definitely think shes fighting jealously demons but is just good at pretending she doesnt care #she makes too many Faces about it for me to think shes casual about the whole thing #but i think after their conversation in the dorms in ep3 clem isnt worried anymore. and vi proves she can trust her again and again #THEY LOVE EACH OTHER SO MUCH theyre disgusting its disgusting :) #minnie isnt a threat to their relationship shes just a threat to their lives :) #twdg #it speaks

[soullessjack]

this isnt rlly a serious post more so than a thought I need to verbalize but like. there’s an INSANE difference between the fandom being like “hey what if jack was actually his age and got to be a little normal” vs y’all treating a grown ass man like he has to cover his ears when someone swears or sleep with a nightlight on because he’s afraid of the dark, and throwing the P word around to anyone who thinks he’s attractive. one of these things is not like the other.

#there’s a layer here about giving jack the childhood he specifically chose not to have #and ignoring his other choices because that’s just. idk a running theme with any character who struggles to have autonomy #but whatever idk #genuinely i think the past year or so that I’ve spent talking about this has burnt me out #either that or I’m just too fixated on VB to really care too much #like obviously I still care about it and wish more was done to help but it’s not really a warpath for me to walk currently #just. #I’m just tired dawg #it’s like talking to a deaf brick wall #please just do some research into infantilization I cannot keep having a one sided conversation with people who don’t care #spn #jack kline #baby jack #spn fandom #fandom critical #fandom ableism #tfw2.0 #not even just ableism it’s the whole mischaracterization woobified bullshit all over again #and the using baby jack as a prop for everyone else but I digress #jack: *chose not to be a child and hates being seen as one and is more than willing to get violent if he thinks he has to* #y’all for some fucking reason: he’s just a widdle baby he can’t handle the scary movie he needs his daddies to take care of him #I’ve already said all these things before #i am tired. so tired

[mood2you]

#conversations with people who hate me #wtnv #hello

[emotinalsupportturtle]

sometimes a piece of media gets praised too much that I loose some appreciation for it (maybe because it raises expectations). The star beast however, is a piece of media which I love more every time I see it criticized on mainstream social media

#This is probably because 99% of the people hating on it are just showcasing their prejudice and intolerance #If there was genuine criticism that’s fine #Like I absolutely loved the episode #But I wouldn’t say it was the best dw episode or my favourite #i found it heartwarming and awesome and i honestly didn't think it would lead to such intense reactions #because to paraphrase david tennant; doctor who has always been about inclusivity #A strength of any piece of art is when it causes extreme reactions and starts conversations #And this episode undoubtedly does both of those things #the more anti-woke anti-trans critisism i see makes me appreciate this episode so much more #For my first point take the joker it was good but just not as groundbreaking as everyone said it was #Doctor who #the star beast #60th anniversary #lgbtq representation #media critique

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

something i'm grateful for about Wally is the representation for people who love eye contact. we're underappreciated smh

#its very fun to see a character who Looks Intently bc he Likes It and thinks its Polite #eye contact is so so so so good but the majority of people hate it and Whyyyyyyy #it makes being around people so difficult #i naturally stare into a person's fucking soul when holding a conversation #so i have to constantly remind myself to look away periodically or look somewhere else entirely #and then my thoughts turn into 'youre making too much eye contact. now youre making too little. stop looking over there.' #'make eye contact WAIT NO NO ok great we just awkwardly glanced at them. fuck. what are they even saying rn we stopped listening' #and then if i make eye contact with someone in passing / a stranger #its immediate panic like Oh Fuck What If They Think We're A Total Freak Now. Shit Shit shit #or the equally terrifying What If They Think That Was An Invite To Interact #but otherwise. let me stare into your souuulllllll pleaseeeeeee #Without it being weird or making you uncomfortabllle #i am trying to CONNECT and show that i am ENGAGED i am LISTENING #absolutely unprompted #shoutout to all my adhd/autistic homies who looooooove eye contact #we're rarer than a unicorn stg #if eye contact is a sliding scale its the only binary im participating in #i think this might be why i like cats so much. instant staring contests. prolonged comfy eye contact #yeah physical contact is great but have you ever held casual Eye contact with someone