I feel like "I didn't ask how big the chamber is, I said 'i cast fireball'" jokes don't have their full impact for folks who don't know how areas of effect were handled in Dungeons & Dragons prior to 3rd Edition.
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Gratuitously evil spells for villains to learn
Mordenkainen's Highly Problematic Political Opinions
Spell that causes someone to experience the entirety of The Big Bang Theory in 6 seconds
Spell that causes a needlessly painful death. It figures out the maximum amount of pain it's ethically permissible to inflict based on context and inflicts twice that much on purpose
Fireball but it expands the area of effect to specifically hit all your teammates.
Mildly Upset Person.
Disintegrate but it bestows any object it hits with full human sapience just before the ray hits.
Locate Object but every time you cast it, it kicks a random guy in the nuts for no good reason.
Hellish Rebuke but it hits anyone who isn't attacking you.
Ray of Deforestation
Transmute Food To Food That's Produced Unsustainably And Using Unethical Labor Practices
Nullify Union
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Searing smite
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The Metalsmith’s Workshop Battle Map
Our new map is now available for download! The home, forge, and store of a renowned smith. Tell me, what might this place be called?
Download it here!
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Whoops, forgot the actual description. Sorry, it's been a hell of a week.
On the left, Raksasha! 6‒7 ft (1.8‒2.1 m), with low ranking ones being shorter. Illusions, mind control, invisibility, mage hand, flight, backwards hands, riches and nobility, they've got it all! As if most of you needed anything past first glance.
On the right, Brass Dragon! It's a metallic dragon, so adults are roughly in the 20-80 foot (6-24 m) range. They have two breath weapons (sleeping gas and fire), can magically cause fear, can animate statues to do thier bidding while in their lair, and can shapeshift. They're chatty desert dwellers who avoid fighting if at all possible. They just want good conversation, they're the most sociable dragons.
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There's always trouble when the Hornsup clan meets the Hornsdown gang. (Jeff Easley, AD&D 2e Dungeon Master's Guide, TSR, 1989) The pale blue maps in early modules were charming. The pale blue art in 2e books was a bizarre editorial choice that lasted years. (Previously)
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Question. How do you handle the age differences and life spans of your tavs/romances in bg3?
Are you asking if I've made my Tavs age-equal to the romances I've picked for them? If so, then I've actually been very careful about that. Lore-wise, I can't stand the thought of my character dying hundreds of years sooner or living hundreds of years longer than their partner. So I adhered to D&D 5E lore. If you're interested, I've explained most of the lifespans below.
Serena, my canon character, is human and romanced Gale. In D&D, the average lifespan of a human is 120 years, but since she and Gale are both wizards, they could potentially live for thousands of years. It all depends on the magic they wield. Elminster, for example, is nearly 1,300 years old. Otherwise, they'll age alongside each other as equals.
Saska is a Seldarine drow. On average they last between 400-750 years, depending on if they survive and leave the Underdark. Saska has indeed left the Underdark, works as a bard, and romanced Karlach. Tieflings typically live to 150; however, Karlach has the potential to live longer since her body has been so drastically altered. Upon finding a permanent upgrade for her engine, it's possible she could live just as long as a drow, if not longer, as she's been touched by infernal technology.
Ez'ria is a githyanki fighter/storm sorcerer. This one was easy, since she romanced Lae'zel. With any luck, they'll both live to a nice, healthy 120 years old; the average lifespan of a gith.
Eilonwy is my redeemed Dark Urge half-elf. On average they last about 180 years. This one's a bit more complicated because I partnered her with Astarion, who's a pure high elf and a vampire. High elves live to an average of 750 years, and vampires/spawn are of course immortal. But I've given this a lot of thought. Eilonwy, for example, is a druid, and because of their connection to nature/magic, their aging slows to 10% of what they would normally age. This means Eilonwy has the potential to reach 1,800. I should also mention that there are cures to vampirism in D&D 5E, so I like to think they find one at some point during their travels.
Bakara is a tiefling sorcerer of the draconic bloodline. Another semi-easy one, since I partnered her with Wyll. As I mentioned before, tieflings typically live to 150, whereas humans live to 120. I headcanon that my tiefling was already 50 when she met Wyll; who, according to Larian, is 24 during the events of BG3. To clarify, tieflings are considered young adults by the age of 20 and full adults when they reach the age of 60. So despite being 50, she's mentally around the same age as Wyll.
Thalias is a high half-elf Selûnite cleric. Possibly the easiest one, since he romanced Shadowheart, who is also a high half-elf who becomes a Selûnite cleric (at least in my game). With Selûne's blessing, they could live however long she desires, but on average they'll both live to be 180.
I also made an adorable little deep gnome named Mira to sweep Barcus off his feet. I shall wait patiently for Larian or a clever modder to make him romancable. The average lifespan for gnomes is 350 years.
Halsin is a bit more complicated, since he's a pure wood elf and a druid. This means he could conceivably live to be 7,500 years old, which is wild. I do plan on doing a playthrough where I romance him, and when I do I'll be making a mysterious wood elf named Arawen, a warlock who made a pact with an ancient archfey. So in addition to living to 750; as per the average lifespan of her race, as long as her pact remains in tact, she will live as long as her patron allows.
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Sometimes I see clothing (or just clothing design sketches like this one) and I desperately wanna draw an OC in it, so here's Hazel in an adorable mushroom swimsuit designed by Nyahallo
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⚔️ 𝗡𝗲𝘄 𝗶𝘁𝗲𝗺! Chimera Trident
Weapon (trident), very rare (requires attunement) ___ This dark silver trident is decorated with the sculpted busts of three creatures: a dragon, a goat, and a lion. Each head gives way to one of the trident’s three prongs. You gain a +3 bonus to attack and damage rolls made with this magic weapon. When you make a ranged attack using this weapon, it flies back to your hand immediately after the attack. While holding the weapon, you can use an action to release a fiery breath from the trident’s heads in a 15-foot cone. Each creature within that cone must make a DC 15 Dexterity saving throw. A creature takes 7d6 fire damage on a failed save, or half as much damage on a successful one. Once this property has been used, it can’t be used again until the next dawn or until you hit a hostile creature with the trident and roll a 6 or higher on the damage die, whichever comes first. ___ ✨ Patrons get huge perks! Access this and hundreds of other item cards, art files, and compendium entries when you support The Griffon's Saddlebag on Patreon for less than $10 a month!
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The following is not my idea; it was the original brainchild of a friend of mine named Omicron, with help from various others including EarthScorpion, TenfoldShields, @havocfett and ShintheNinja:
So, you know what I want to do one day? Run (or play in) a D&D campaign in which the Big Bad Super Dragon that is fuckoff ancient and unfathomably powerful and whose actions have shaped history and bent the course of nations and had repercussions on the whole culture and society in the region where it's set; the Bonus Special Boss for some endgame optional quest after you defeat the direct BBEG and win the campaign...
... is a white dragon.
To explain this for people not deep into 5e monster lore; D&D dragons are sapient beings, and known for their instincts and tendencies, and whenever you meet an big evil dragon that's really old it's usually this ancient creature of terrible intellect Smaug-ing it up all over the place.
Except white dragons are fucking stupid. Like, they're still capable of speech and thought! They're just… feral, hungry morons. And you almost never see them portrayed as ancient wyrms for that reason; they lack majesty. Critical Role did it, yes, but even then, Vorugal is explicitly the most bestial member of the Chroma Conclave, and the others are the more intelligent planners and long-term threats. An ancient white as a nation-defining endboss, though; not a thug for a smarter master but as the strongest and biggest threat around is just not the sort of thing you tend to see.
Adventurers: "Oh wise Therunax the Munificent, gold dragon of Law and Good, what can you tell us adventurers of the evil dragons which rule this land?"
Therunax the Munificent, 500-year old Gold Dragon: "Good adventurers, know this: this land is torn apart by the evil of Tiamat's spawn. The eastern marches are the dwelling of Furinar the Plague-Bringer, black dragoness whose hoard is a thousand sicknesses contained in the body of her tributes. The southern volcanic mountains are the roosting of Angrar the Wrathful, the fiery red dragon, who brings magmatic fury on all who do not worship him. And the northern peaks are home to Face-Biter Mike, the oldest and most powerful of all, of whom I dread to speak."
Adventurers: "F-Face-Biter Mike???"
Therunax: "Oh yes, verily indeed; two thousand years has Mike lived, and his eyes have seen the rise and fall of five empires, and a hundred and score champions have sought to slay him; and each and every one he bit their fucking face off."
Like... I want to see a campaign where Face-Biter Mike is genuinely the most powerful dragon in the region, if not the entire world. Where sometimes he descends on a city to grab himself some meatsicles and causes a localised ice age by the beat of his vast wings and the frigid wastes of his mighty breath and by the chill his mere presence brings to everything for miles around him, and everyone just has to deal with that for the next decade. An entire era of civilization comes to an end, an empire falls, tens of thousands starve in the winter, all because Mike wanted a snack. Where his hoard is an unfathomably vast mass of jewels and artefacts and precious stones frozen in an unmelting glacier, except he is a nouveau riche idiot with fuckall appraising skill, so half of his hoard is coloured glass or worthless knicknacks, and he doesn't give a shit.
"Your Draconic Majesty, this crown is… It's pyrite."
"Yeah, well, it's brighter than this dusty old thing made out of real gold, it's my new best treasure. Throw the other one away."
"…throw the Burnished Tiara of Bahamut, forged in the First Age of Man, your majesty???"
"See? I can't even remember its fucking name."
"But my lord-"
"DO YOU WANT TO BE A MEATSICLE"
"…I will fetch a trash bag, your majesty."
But at the same time, he's not stupid, he's just simple, and in some ways that makes him more dangerous than the usual kinds of scheming Big Bad you see in these things, while simultaneously justifying why Orcus remains on his throne (because he's lazy). Face-Biter Mike doesn't make convoluted plans or run labyrinthine schemes; he just has a talent for violence and a pragmatic, straightforward approach to turning any kind of problem he struggles with into a problem that can be resolved with violence. Face-Biter Mike has one talent and it's horrifying physical power, so his approach to any complicated problem is "how do I turn this into a situation where I can fly down and bite this dude's face off?" with absolutely no regard for the collateral damage or consequences of doing so, because those are also things he can turn into face-bitable problems.
"My lord, the dread necromancer Nikodemion is using his undead dragons to attempt a conquest of the eastern kingdom; his agents are everywhere, his plans are centuries in the making, what can we do against such a mastermind?"
"I'm gonna fly over the capital and eat the eastern king."
"M-my lord???"
"The kingdom will collapse without leadership, Nikodemion will win his war, he'll take the capital and crown himself king."
"And that helps us… how?"
"Once he does I'll fly over to the capital and eat him."
"…"
"This is why you advisors all suck. You're all about convoluted plans when the only thing I need to win is know where my enemy is so I can fly down there and eat him. Stop overthinking things."
And, like, yeah, it's a simplistic plan, but when you're several hundred tons of nigh invincible magical death, you don't need brilliant strategy; the smartest way to win a war is, in this case, the simplest. He's not even all that clever at figuring out the consequences of face-biting, he's just memorised the common consequences of doing so.
(If you want to go all in on Mike being the major mover and shaker in the region; Nikodemion only even has a pet zombie dragon because Mike killed the last dragon to show up and contest his turf but wasn't going to eat a whole dragon by himself. Nikodemion got to stick around and amass that much power because Mike ate the Hero of the Realm while he was adventuring because he figured the Hero would come and try to slay him at some point. Nikodemion got started because Mike ate half the leadership of the Academy of High Magic who typically keep evil wizards and necromancers in check. And then eventually this product of Mike's casual, careless actions becomes a big enough problem to bother Mike personally, at which point Mike eats him too.)
He doesn't even really fail upwards, either! He is regularly reduced to nothing but the glacier he stores his hoard in, but he's Face-Biter Mike so nobody wants to commit to actually ending him forever lest they get their faces bitten the fuck off. And his hoard's in a huge-ass magical glacier so nobody can get to it without running into the Invading Russia problem; it's hard to wage war when everything is frozen over and you're both starving and freezing to death. Once he's been beaten back to his central lair and has lost all his holdings… I mean, he's still a problem, but he's a far away problem. So he loses his assets and spends a decade in a cave brooding it up while no one dares risk trying to actually kill him, and then a generation or two later he flies down to a kobold colony and gets himself some minions, or a dragon-worshipping mage comes to offer his service against a pittance from his hoard, or a particularly stupid cult starts thinking they can get in good with him and leech off his power, and then he's (hah) snowballing again.
He's also got a very… well, the kind of weird Charisma that Grineer bosses do. Like Sargas Ruk, who's a malformed idiot, but oddly charismatic. As he's a dragon, that makes him a natural sorcerer and thus Charisma is all he needs. He's pretty relaxed when he isn't in a face-biting mood, and he's kind of infectiously optimistic, because his life has taught him that he will succeed as long as he perseveres. So he just believes it.
And sometimes that's really refreshing to work for, as an evil minion of darkness! It's like, you're coming to your Evil Dragon Lord with terrible news; you've worked for evil overlords before, you know how it goes. You fall to your knees weeping and tell him that you've failed to seize the incredibly powerful magical artifact, you think your life is forfeit. And he's just like "Eh, it's okay, these things are all over the place. Better luck next time. You remember the guy who took it, right?" and you go "Y-yes, oh great lord!" and he's like "Sweet tell me his name later and I'll grab it" and then eats a frozen adventurer he kept around as a snack.
His followers tend to quickly realise that if they fail him, bringing some temple's silver or a sack of brightly coloured beads or a couple of dead cows means he's super forgiving because at least he's got something out of the day. "Oh boy, cows? It's been forever since I had those, ever since the Orc Steppe Nomads took over it's all about goats and onions. Today is a good day." He's a master of delegation by dragon standards, in that he just tells you "Just go get it done, I don't care how" rather than micromanaging you and constantly appearing as an image in smoke or taking over your campfire.
The key part of Face-Biter Mike as a threat to players (because he exists in the context of a D&D campaign) works well in that you can rely on several known quantities:
He will not pull sneaky shit that you don't see coming
He will not make convoluted plans that you must work to unravel
He will consistently attempt to come down and wreck you personally if he finds the opportunity and you are a threat to him
You cannot fight him head-on (at least not until the last leg of the campaign, and ideally as an optional boss rather than mandatory)
So as long as you are good at staying under the radar, thwarting his minions (whom he gives broad orders to with almost zero oversight) and not putting yourself in face-biting range, you can deal with him. If you succeed, it won't be the first time Mike has lost his assets and had to go brood in his glacier for a decade or two before rebuilding. It happens; he can deal with it. And that's a win for you within the context of a single campaign, so take the win.
And if you're not going to use him as an enemy, he works pretty well as a quest-giver, too! The costs for failure are obvious and straightforward, and "do whatever, just get me mine" means that players have a lot of freedom in accomplishing their goals. As far as evil overlords go he is actually one of the least dangerous to work for; his pride is relatively subdued by draconic standards, his goals are simple and typically achievable, and he is easily pleased.
(There's also a good chance he is the forefather of any draconic sorcerer in your party, because Face Biter Mike is a deadbeat dad.)
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I also chased all the snakes out of a country once, I’m just more humble about it.
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Setting: The Kingdom of Xophena, Realm of the Pure
Though it is famed the world over for the piety of its people and the bravery of its knights, this kingdom holds a dark secret at its heart. If you were to see the scattering of fortress cities surrounded by horror haunted wilderness it would be all too easy to believe the legends: brave warriors sallying forth to do battle against the corruption that besieges them from all sides, slaying great foes and making great sacrifices in the name of defending the innocent. If you looked closer though you would see Xophena for all its faults, the fear by which its elite drive and dominate its populace, a tradition of martial glory that justifies any action or abuse of the warrior caste, a population forced to endure toil and abject subjugation or be exiled outside the walls.
Adventure Hooks:
While travelling through the realm of the pure as part of an ongoing quest, the party run into a retinue of outrider knights on their way to destroy a rampaging aberration hiding out in a gold mine. Some of the knights scoff at the party for being common sellswords, while others recognize them as fellow doogooders-at-arms. There's glory to be had if the party join them in their mission, and more importantly, potential reward and bragging rights.... if they can keep up, the mounted cavaliers aren't going to slow down on the party's behalf.
Xophen emissaries have made an appearance in the party's homeland, courting alliances, making trade deals, and generally putting their finger on the scales of power. Distrustful of too many good offers, the party's patron is planning on a visit to Xophena in the near future and would like them to come along as extra sets of eyes and ears. Renegade heroes have a habit of seeing through the haze of political bullshit.
Xophena would make a fascinating backdrop for a campaign, as Arthurian myth crashes into lovecraftian weirdness. The best place to start would be with the party as castoffs and exiles, eking out a living in one of the few hidden hamlets built by those outcast from the social order. How do they survive? When circumstances demand that they enter one of the fortress cities do they trick their way in, or beg favour from the sanctimonious powers that be? Can they last long enough to discover the secret that has bent the world into its current cruel shape?
Background: Only a few centuries ago Xophena was just like any other kingdom, periods of prosperity and stability that dissolved into infighting as the local warrior elite squabbled for position. That of course all changed when monsters known as the Delnbrood began to wriggle out of the earth like worms after rain, causing untold devastation and forcing a societal retreat to the increasingly fortified settlements dotted about the mountainous foothills. The fear and chaos of these years restructured Xophen society into a rigid hierarchy based around tradition, faith, and survival, which has only grown more ossified as time has gone on.
Both Xophen scripture and legend will tell you that the horrors that beset them began with a treasonous sorcerer Delndrek who sought to take the throne for himself through dishonorable means and darkest sorcery. He was opposed by Tanria brightspear, a saint of the everlight who foiled his every sly attempt to seize power, until at last she cornered him and forced his surrender. Ever the coward, Delndrek sacrificed his humanity rather than relinquish his ambition, becoming an indescribable abomination, that it took the bright speared saint five days to vanquish, dying in the process. It's said that the aberrations that beset Xophena today are born from where his tainted blood struck the earth.
Like many of the tales told about the realm of the pure, this story is a lie, gilded with just enough truth to make it stick in the people's memory. Delndrek wasn't just a sorcerer, but the sorcerer of the royal family, tasked with magicing away all the problems that backwoods dynasty couldn't solve through bloodshed or political marriage. The kingdom's goldmines had always been its lifeblood, and most of the fighting in those days about who could profit from what claim. Trouble was the royal family's mines were drying up, so they threw their pet mage at the problem said that if he didn't find a solution they'd torture him till they did. Dying mines and mounting stress forced Delndrek to look deeper and deeper for an answer, and eventually led him to communion with the outergod Jysh'parun who holds dominion over the secrets of mountains. A pact was struck, the mountains ate people and spat up gold, until eventually the saint found out and decided to put a stop to things.
Cut to today, and the dependants of that very same royal family are still trying to wriggle out of the pact they instigated, spending their people's lives to fill their coffers and fight back the creatures the outer god sends to assert dominion over the realm he was promised.
Setting Details:
The church of the everlight was always strong in Xophena, dating back half a millennia to when an adherent of hers was lost on a stormy sea for months and was only able to find land when the mist parted and he saw the dawn first alighting on one of the region's seaside peaks. The mountainous temple city of First Alight still serves as the heart of the region's faith.
That faith has become just as gaudy and hollow as the rest of the kingdom: Somewhere along the line it was decided that gold was the best way to demonstrate praise to Sarenrae, both in decorating her icons and paying to erect ever grander structures in her honour. While the common people pray for the hope and strength to lead them through lean times, their tithes go to fund an increasingly bloated clergy who spend their days finding reasons that the peoples' sinful nature forestalls their goddess's promised salvation.
You don't compose ballads calling your homeland "Realm of the Pure" unless you've got some hangups around cleanliness. Delndrek's corruption has touched more than the land, as aberrant sorceries and otherworldly mutations have begun to spring up among the populace. Those with influence do their best to hide these marks, those without are scapegoated, exiled, or made an example of.
For all their privilege and brainwashing, many of the realm's knights really do believe in the cause, having largely abandoned the ways of petty armed gentry and settling instead into martial orders. While they all compete to slay the most beasts and earn the most gallant reputation, it is a deepset longing among the knights to be able to find St. Tanria's lost spear, which in the right hands is said to be able to rid the land of its blight once and for all.
Arcane magic is viewed with suspicion in Xophena, as any rogue mage could be just another Delndrek waiting to happen. Exceptions are of course made for those spoken for by the nobility.
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Any time your character uses vicious mockery, they immediately get sued for slander.
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and finally a quick study of minsc and boo 🐹
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Rogue: Sorry, sometimes there's a paladin in my head that confuses me
Reoccurring NPC: Oh my father used to hallucinate a paladin sometimes
Rogue: Interesting
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On the left, Couatl! 12 ft (3.7 m) long with a 15 ft (4.6 m) wingspan and gorgeous plumage. Shapeshifting, constriction, the ability to summon meals and enter your dreams, probably two dicks that're hooked up to separate testes so it doesn't grow tired (it's a snake thing), the couatl's got a lot going for it! Plus it's a celestial and is physically unable to lie, so if you've got trust issues there you go.
On the right, Marilith! 20 ft (6.1 m) to the tip but usually "standing" at around 8 feet (2.4 m). Dominant, incredibly intelligent, the tail naturally grapples, and coordinated/aware enough with all those limbs to address attackers from every angle at once. Also, if the genitals are on the snake side, then same situation as the couatl. Double cloacal extensions known as "hemipenes".
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