#Dean just believes Cas doesn’t want him and doesn’t think he Dean deserves it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

t00muchheart · 26 days

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Jump the Shark is SUCH an interesting look at John Winchester and Sam’s & Dean’s relationships with him via how they respond to Adam’s existence both initially and after accepting that he’s really their brother !

It also just says so much about where they’re at currently—Sam seeing hunting as a life that can’t be escaped, only prepared for (because he tried to escape and now he’s facing a destiny); Dean wanting to send Adam away from the hunt to Bobby’s (the safest place he can think of) because he deserves a chance to get out, live a normal life (like Dean would have if he’d had the chance). These are themes that come up consistently as we get to the end of season four: in It’s a Terrible Life, Sam Wesson believes he’s destined for something more, while Dean Smith doesn’t believe in destiny, wanting to hold onto his normal life; in The Monster at the End of this Book, Sam believes that they should use Chuck’s prophecy to approach Lilith (to encounter their destiny) while Dean believes they should try to work around it, to avoid the fate that’s laid out for them.

And all of that is symptomatic of their current places in the overall narrative: Sam trying to take his powers and embrace them, use them for good (because they feel inescapable, and if he has to have them he wants to use them to save the world), and Dean trying to resist the plan the angels have in place for him, to push back against the future they say he’s destined for.

And they were set up for that by their destinies and by the people around them. There’s Ruby, who has acted like Sam’s friend, helping him grow strong in order to achieve her own ends, who is acting as though she’s different from the demons but who is only pushing Sam to get stronger and hunt more because it will position him where she wants. On the other side, there’s Castiel, saying he’s like the other angels but privately having doubts, beginning to feel, helping Dean find a loophole to save Sam from Lilith and beginning to try to understand humanity, to see why it deserves salvation.

And Adam’s role in all that is so interesting because by the end of the episode we know he’s dead, has been dead, unwittingly dragged into the world of hunting by John even after his death, and Dean insists on a hunters funeral even when Sam suggests asking Cas to bring him back—because in his eyes, being dead but not in the mess of the Winchester’s lives is the better option, the better place to be. (But of course, he’s ultimately dragged into it anyway, revived just to become the vessel Dean refuses to be and then locked away for it, locked away for over a thousand years)

#and that end dialogue of dean saying sam is just like john #and sam saying he’ll take it as a compliment #and dean saying take it however you’d like #!!!#spn #supernatural #dean winchester #spn meta #castiel #cas #sam winchester #ruby #adam milligan #jump the shark #spn season 4 #supernatural meta #winchesters

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sapphyreopal5 · 17 days

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Hi !

First,Thank you for this blog it’s very interesting I like that you don’t sugarcoat it and just say it like it is, I’m the same so here is what I think

Jensen is a professional actor/entertainer, he knows what sells and what people like, he can go overboard , but that’s just how he likes it 200% or nothing.

He’s a shy guy but he he gets the job done as long as he doesn’t offend himself or compromise his values or look tacky or cheap.

He played all sorts of roles regardless of their sexual preference, he has no problem with that.

With dean he started playing straight and he didn’t compromise no matter the pressure/danger he was under (to his wife and kids too)

He’s true to himself while doing his job as an entertainer, which lets face it, it’s all about the pandering even when you don’t feel like it or believe in it yourself, it their livelihood.

At first most of spn fans were either Sam or dean’s stan , then a fraction was created and called themselves bibros and they became loud enough to the actors and creators to see them and try to give them what they want(it’s only fair to please your audience after all)

Misha then came and at first even j2 fans liked him they even read fanfics about him and everything was fine , but when Castiel’s favored dean over sam and Misha had fans and even he himself fell in love with the fanfics about him, then all hell broke loose, fandom wars started, people who loved Cas/M turned on him and the fandom became a war Zone .

I know who started it because I was there from day one but that’s another conversation.

Jensen and jared knew that the brothers relationship was it for them , they both mastered the art of pandering (go to reddit and read what people who worked on the set say about the real atmosphere behind the scenes or in the conventions in general) spoiler alert it was not perfect.

But again it’s their livelihood and they both had undeniable chemistry so they used it ( like any other smart actor would do)

Tinhats thought it was Ok to call Jensen/dean gay for jared/sam (they don’t differentiate between them , I know because I was a bibro/ Tinhat myself)

If jensen dared to hangout with another person man or woman, colleague or not without jared , then he was either covering for them both( hiding in the glass closet) or he was simply betraying jared or was pandering ( like he shouldn’t pander to the other side because they don’t deserve to scraps from their favorite actor.

Jensen was called repeatedly “the king of bibros” because he always, still is all for the brothers.

It was about their relationship , and everything else revolved around them.

She too wanted her chance , started Twwon had her implants because she was going to be a big star ( taking the attention from the real latino star and treating her like a background actor) again a subject for another day lol

Jensen made this show for his wife, he was told that no spin off would take if it didn’t have one of the shows leads in it , so he decided to narrate the thing in order for it to take and stand , it wasn’t enough, they needed ratings and thought if they would bring in dean it would be the perfect addition.

Now the bibro king became the back stabbing friend, the snake , the abusive husband to jared , and to his wife and kids too lol .

Bibros admitted that they were indeed jared’s fans from the get go but they had to pretend to like dean/jensen .

Some bibros are calling him homophobic too btw , because that would prove he was bad in every aspect not just to jared .

Misha was pandering to his own fans , it’s were his money and fame came , and that’s why they do it after all, they do it for the money and fame and it’s a great way to live , anyone saying otherwise can live in lala land for eternity, i don’t care lol .

Now jensen is losing the bibros , the tinhats , the j2 fans and they are all calling him the worst things ever and body shaming him and age shaming him all because his ex tv brother had a tantrum and decided that his fans can do his dirty work, and they as usual didn’t disappoint and according to them he can handle it he has a lot on money he’ll be ok (I agree)

I think it’s was then that jensen decided that fu*k it , I’m going to do whatever makes me feel comfortable, I’ll say my peace, and what’s on my mind , I’m done covering for my so called colleagues (even though he’s known to let things go quickly, he doesn’t like conflict, just Ask jessica alba and MW) he chooses to have fun and concentrate on his own fans for a change.

Misha hid the confession from him for three years (and the rest of the people in management too) and he let it go even though he could have made a tantrum like someone else did , and he would have been in the right because this involved him personally, it’s his hard work for 16 years not just some show he didn’t know about in advance that doesn’t even concern him, but he didn’t he must have done something in private like a professional person would do, but we didn’t hear anything about it .

He’s in the middle of the two biggest ships on spn and no matter what he does or says he’s not going to win with either of them, because they both are going after him and his wife and family on line and in real life ( like at his door step and his daughter’s school too pretending to be one of the parents)

How to pander to one side without losing your life or reputation ( they both now call him the worst of names , homophobia included by both sides)

Sorry this took so long, there’s more if you’re interested I’ve been here since dool and I witnessed everything.

Hello Anon, thank you for stopping by and discussing this like an adult. I appreciate seeing your ask even if it takes a moment to read. Your post touched onto a lot of things even some of which I didn't really dive into to tell you the truth. I joined this fandom via joining Tumblr late December 2022 close to January 2023. I'm open to receiving any and all information provided it's based on facts not based on blind opinions or simply "so and so said so" kind of deal.

Some bibros are calling him homophobic too btw , because that would prove he was bad in every aspect not just to jared . He’s a shy guy but he he gets the job done as long as he doesn’t offend himself or compromise his values or look tacky or cheap. He played all sorts of roles regardless of their sexual preference, he has no problem with that.

He’s a shy guy but he he gets the job done as long as he doesn’t offend himself or compromise his values or look tacky or cheap. He played all sorts of roles regardless of their sexual preference, he has no problem with that.

He’s true to himself while doing his job as an entertainer, which lets face it, it’s all about the pandering even when you don’t feel like it or believe in it yourself, it their livelihood.

If you didn't see I got a little heated with someone who insisted the dictionary is wrong with what homophobia means because "authors use it this way" and claimed people don't actually fear gay people, which is 100% not true. Some people genuinely fear homosexual people, it's just fact. I agree with you, no matter what Jensen says or does these days it's going to upset people. One thing is certain, this fandom is so divided these days it's crazy. I also do not think Jensen is at all homophobic nor do I think he discriminates against LGBT people. He has what we call boundaries and that's that. "Destiel doesn't exist" and getting annoyed at Destiel questions from people who KNOW his stance on it are in my opinion just looking for an argument.

When the show ended and the actors went their separate ways and started to hang out with their families/friends/colleagues , jensen in general keeps his friends from all those years, he keeps in touch and keeps them around , I think his wife convinced him that the spn world still had a chance, she wanted to do something ( her turn after waiting all those years, as did gen) She too wanted her chance , started Twwon had her implants because she was going to be a big star ( taking the attention from the real latino star and treating her like a background actor) again a subject for another day lol

Okay I am not going to lie here, I am curious about the highlighted tidbit here and why you think this was to detract attention from who I assume is Lindsey (or Odette)? As for The Winchesters, don't get me started on that disaster they call a show....

Bingo... It was all about the money for Misha this entire time. Otherwise, he wouldn't have nearly this many vocal fans if he didn't pander to the hellers and Destiel shippers.

Tinhats thought it was Ok to call Jensen/dean gay for jared/sam (they don’t differentiate between them , I know because I was a bibro/ Tinhat myself) If jensen dared to hangout with another person man or woman, colleague or not without jared , then he was either covering for them both( hiding in the glass closet) or he was simply betraying jared or was pandering ( like he shouldn’t pander to the other side because they don’t deserve to scraps from their favorite actor.

I believe this is still 100% true to this day Anon. I really do. I can understand why like 10 years ago or more many thought they were in a relationship but today, it's kinda silly. They are busy living separate lives in separate states now. Jared even said recently they see each other a lot... at Supernatural conventions and still text a lot. Not a whole lot of actually seeing each other anymore from what it sounds like to me. Plus, when is the last time they actually hung out together outside of being in the same hotel/area for a Supernatural convention?

Thanks for sending this in Anon, I really would love to hear more from you!

EDIT: I re-read your ask and also want to know more about this tidbit.

I heard of someone taking photos outside of their kids' schools but did someone actually do this?! This fandom, man.... the level people stoop to here....

#Anon answered #anti jensen hate

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tragidean · 1 year

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we really shouldn’t be doing this [17.1k] (ao3)

It doesn’t work.

Two hand jobs over a three-hour period and a newfound case of carpal tunnel later, and Castiel glares at Dean from across the kitchen table, like all of this is his fault. If anything, he deserves a medal for getting Castiel off as many times as he could on little to no sleep. Coffee doesn’t help; part of him wonders if a shot of adrenaline would, but the resulting crash would only send him right back where he started, leaving him with the only alternative—

Awkward breakfast conversations.

“I can’t believe you called her,” Dean mutters into his French toast. Castiel continues to stare at him, the furrowed lines in his brow threatening to become permanent. “Some things are private, Cas.”

“And it’s not working.” Castiel rubs his temples. The sleeves of his robe—a similar one, the fabric light blue instead of Dean’s gray—slides down his arms, revealing his wrists and the fingers Dean wants to feel on his tongue. “No matter how often we try, I’m still…” He lowers his voice. “I’m still aroused.”

Dean sighs and sets his fork down. “No, man, I… I get it. I mean, I don’t get it, but I…” Just stop talking. “I need coffee. You want coffee?”

“You have coffee.” Castiel grabs his wrist before he can make it to his feet. “Is this a chore to you?”

“What?” Dean fights to pull his hand away, but Castiel holds him still, his scowl growing even deeper. “Why would you think…”

“Dean,” Castiel says, and—of course he would think that. At the first sign of confrontation, Dean always attempts to deflect and avoid the conversation. This is no different—except now, it directly involves him, and he can’t escape. “You know I enjoy our talks.”

“Jesus Christ.” Kill me, kill me now. He hides behind his hands in the hopes that when he opens his eyes, that Castiel will be gone. No such luck. “Look, it’s… Do you think this is a mistake?”

Smooth, Winchester.

Castiel leans back in his chair, his hands sliding until they fall off the table and into his lap. Botox couldn't cure the creases in his forehead, now. “Are you doubting yourself?”

“No, I’m…” A breath. He runs his fingers through his hair. “We just got you back, man. I just got you back, and it’s… It’s been a hell of a few months, and now, we’ve just had sex three times in the last, what, four hours?” He laughs and shakes his head. “I don’t fuck on the first date, Cas. In fact, I haven’t fucked anyone at all in a while.”

Castiel’s glare eases as something dawns, something Dean doesn’t want to even think about. Life has a habit of slamming into him like a Mack truck, though. “You want this to mean something.”

“Yeah.” Dean bows his head. “Sex is… It’s always been an escape to me, a way to just… forget about the bullshit. For an hour or two, the hunts, Sam, my dad’s fucking voice in my head… none of it matters. But it’s never meant anything, y’know?” He scrubs his jaw. “I just got you back, and I… I don’t wanna lose you again, not because of some stupid curse.”

“Dean.” This time when Castiel says his name, it’s soft, imploring. He takes Dean’s hand, his palm still damp but his fingers so gentle, so kind. He presses Dean’s knuckles to his lips, and Dean’s heart threatens to burst. “Can I confide in you?”

Dean nods.

continue reading on ao3

#my writings #destiel #deancas #destiel fic #deancas fic #hello everyone i'm still alive!!#i'm just having the world's worst case of writer's block!!

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youchangedmedestiel · 2 months

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My thoughts just after finishing Supernatural

One year ago on this exact same day I finished SPN. I watched 15x18, 15x19 and 15x20 in a row. I just ate dinner between 15x18 and 15x19 (weird dinner). After watching episode 15x20, I wasn't that pissed off about the end. It changed now, because I got the time to think about it.

See, I knew Cas wouldn’t appear in the last two episodes, but somehow I still hoped that the deal with the Empty wasn’t the reason, because he deserved to be happy. As I progressed through season 15 I felt it coming, even though I was hoping until the last second. And when I got to episode 15x18, I understood that it was this deal that was going to kill him but I didn't know how. That confession scene destroyed me but anyway I went to eat my dinner while being destroyed and then I came back to SPN to watch the last two episodes, knowing I wouldn’t see Cas anymore.

Then came episode 15x19, I've read often that people prefer to ignore 15x20 and I can totally understand (Dean deserved to live free and happy), but 15x19 is NOT a satisfying ending for me, because Cas is still in the Empty (well maybe not, but we don’t know that yet) and I just can’t, he can’t stay there, dead, I can’t accept that.

This is what allows me to appreciate 15x20 a little bit. But it’s not the only reason, because in this last episode I spotted several empty bottles of alcohol in Dean’s room and you all know why. He misses Cas, for sure, at least it’s my headcanon because I need it. Plus, he doesn’t stay long alive after Cas’s death, there is no real timeline. He couldn’t ask Jack to bring him back because Jack told them he wouldn’t intervene anymore and left. So maybe their hopes to get Cas out without Jack were at zero. But I’m sure Dean searched in the bunker’s library when he had the time to before he died. He searched for a way to get Cas out. And then he died (unfortunately, it still hurts).

Which brings us to episode 15x20. The end of SPN is “good” in a sense that Dean wanted Sam to have a life, a normal apple pie life, so it’s a happy ending for that, because he achieved his goal but HE DESERVED to have that too, for himself, that or anything he wanted, not only for his little brother but FOR HIM AS WELL.

AND ABOUT CAS? Well about Cas, especially the crumbles we got with “Cas helped” I totally understand why people feel pissed about it, I kind of feel like that too now. But when I first saw this scene, I was happy to hear about Cas because I already knew he wasn’t in the last two episodes so I wasn’t going to be as disappointed as people that waited to see the episode when it aired.

We learn that Cas remade Heaven (with Jack’s help) to do a Heaven Dean deserves, and I - for me it was like Cas fucking succeeded to give Dean what he deserved. He not only saved his life multiple times, but also told him he loved him, made him believe that he did and gave him freedom (for a short amount of time, I’m really pissed about that for sure and I’m sure Cas is too, like he wasn’t expecting him so soon) but he also changed Heaven for him, to make one he deserved.

HE CHANGED THEE ENTIRE HEAVEN FOR THE MAN HE LOVES. I’m going to cry writing this, because that’s like the greatest love story ever told. And yes I would have done things differently, but I can’t and with what they gave us I do what I want. And we have an angel of the Lord, that rebelled against Heaven and that was dead, being back and building a new Heaven for Dean to enjoy eternity with the people he loved. He knew Dean was made of love and he needed a space to express it, and Cas gave it to him (with Jack of course) but damn *typing with tears in the eyes* that still hits me soooo damn hard. Because when someone love you enough to tell you they do without excepting something in return, sacrifice themselves while doing it without having an answer about whether their feelings are requited, and remake Heaven for you to have the afterlife/eternity you deserve, nothing can beat that. THIS here, this is what grabs my heart and clenches it every damn time. The greatest love story ever told. No one, NO ONE can change my mind.

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scoobydoodean · 2 months

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5x13 is a very interesting episode for all of the characters…

like you’ve got cas refusing to consider killing sam bc he wants to idk prove himself to dean

you’ve got mary and john being mad about raising kids to hunt and sam defending john

you’ve got sam’s rewriting of john: like he tells young john that his dad died trying to protect him, but dudeee john told dean he might have to kill you on his death bed

you’ve got dean trying to protect mary from the truth but ultimately realizing she deserves it (i love this one bc dean is consistently about people being honest with him)

you’ve got sam being honestly kinda cruel when telling mary to leave john so she doesn’t curse her kids, which there’s some truth to that but that is NOT the right way to say it sam (i genuinely don’t know how people think sam is good at like “therapy”)

you’ve got michael being creepy with dean and saying he doesn’t want to fight lucifer but still disagreeing about following a father’s orders and destiny and the advent of team free will

you’ve got sam starting to believe that maybe this is their destiny and dean strongly denying it (hot take but sometimes i really think sam and michael are the stronger parallel)

omgosh anyway sorry for the long recap but i guess i’m just wondering if there’s anything you would have done differently with this episode? specifically regarding how these themes were shown

Regarding Cas:

I don't think Cas wants to prove himself to Dean. I don't think he needs to, and I don't think he thinks he needs to right now. (In fact in 5.02 he suggested that Dean owes him). Everything Cas is doing is born of mutual solidarity with Dean in rebellion against heaven. If they don't succeed, they're all going to die—and so will everyone else. Cas has the entire host of heaven after him. Even fellow rebels like Anna and Gabriel dislike him. Gabriel resents Cas for his hopeless quest to find their father, and Anna hates him because he betrayed her in 4.21 and made no efforts to help her.

The only person Cas has in the world right now—the only person he can lean on or count on in any way—is Dean (see: 5.03). By extension, because of their shared love for Dean, Cas also has the people with whom Dean associates (Bobby, Sam, Ellen, Jo). There is protection and shelter through loyalty—through the found family. Cas calls Sam his friend in 5.13, but they haven't really had any bonding experiences on screen the way Dean and Cas have. I think for Cas, it's as simple as Dean is Cas's friend -> Anyone Dean cares about is also Cas's friend and worthy of his protection.

I also don't doubt that Cas is aware that Dean's well-being is tied to the family's well-being and the family's well-being is tied to Dean's well-being. I also don't think he's unaware of the fact that Dean can't weather more harm to their cobbled-together family. Sam and Dean's relationship is deeply scarred and trying to recover (but we see in 5.05 and 5.12 that Dean is struggling with it, and Cas specifically knows this from 5.03 when Dean opened up to him about it). Bobby is dealing with being recently paralyzed and is suicidal (and Dean's outright told Bobby that he can't handle losing him). Ellen and Jo just died a few episodes before. We're about to be reminded again how badly Dean is cracking open in 5.14.

Cas's actions with Anna are cold and calculated—ruthless—because he can't risk any further harm to the family unit—especially not any that might risk rupturing their heart (Dean). In that regard, Cas's actions toward Anna in 5.13, while ruthless, are in character (Also see: wanting to kill Jesse, torturing Donatello, plotting to kill Kelly, working with Sam to use The Book of the Damned).

Regarding Sam rewriting John:

I think the truth is that Sam doesn't care that John told Dean to save him or kill him. I mean—a part of him definitely was traumatized by it—but in 2.11, Sam says John was "right to say it" and he continues to push that narrative through season 2. I think the thing that really makes Sam angry is that it was kept from him. But the stuff related to Stanford and being raised a hunter—Sam forgives John for all of that, and we've known that for a while. We saw Sam start to soften and empathize with John's desire for revenge by 1.02. Then there was 1.08, 1.20, 2.02, 4.19.

Sam's lack of sugar-coating:

We can make note of this one also in 4.19 with Adam, in 4.20 with Jimmy, and in 5.06 with Jesse (though Sam does try harder with Jesse). I don't think he intends to be cruel to Mary, but by this point, Sam has kind of made a name for himself telling people their futures are fucked. This also feeds into your last note about Sam believing in destiny. Of course, Dean also jumps to say that Sam is right and Mary should just not have kids.

I don't know if there's anything I would have necessarily done differently, besides motivate Anna a little better. Her actions are rational, but they don't feel true to her character from season 4. By this I specifically mean her plotting to trick Sam and Dean into a trap, when they (especially Dean) had risked their lives for her in 4.09 and 4.10. She actually uses Dean's loyalty to try and trick him into meeting her, and the only reason it doesn't work is that Cas doesn't trust her and refuses to let Sam and Dean go to meet her. Given that the lack of loyalty and love among the angels was a primary motivation for Anna's fall, I would have appreciated further explanation behind her betraying Dean in this way—through his loyalty to her. I am likely meant to infer that her stay in prison included brainwashing that created this effect, but I don't know... it just feels off.

#mail #anna #ruthless cas #5.13 #season 5 #castiels moral compass #and cas is my best friend #dean the narrative heart #time to think for yourself #the flannel business #ellen #jo #do i look like a ditchable prom date to you?

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interrogatethecat · 2 years

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my faith is shaken, but I still believe

word count: 1.4k

something about the empty tiptoeing through cas’ tulips just hits, ya know? the rest is below the cut or on ao3!

Cas opens his eyes and he’s met with nothing.

“Ah,” he hears, “our little flower finally found the sun, didn’t he?”

Cas turns, and there it is. A cold stone throne, where the Empty lounges. Its legs are draped over one arm. It's wearing Meg’s face, lips quirked in a lopsided grin.

“I must say,” the Empty says, “that was quite a show. Honestly, I was expecting something a little more romantic. You know, moonlight. Candles. Sex in the back of that gas guzzler of a car he’s so fond of. I can’t say I’m surprised, though,” it continues. “One last time, Dean Winchester is saved.”

Any tension that was left in Cas’ body eases. Dean is okay.

“As he deserves,” Cas says.

“No regrets?” the Empty asks.

“No,” Cas says. “I made my choice, and I would do it all again. For Dean— for all of them.”

Cas isn’t sure what he expects to come next— a scathing remark, to be thrown into the infinite sleep of torments the Empty has promised him— but laughter certainly isn’t it.

“Oh, Castiel,” it says, “you’re a delight. You think you did the right thing? Truly?”

“Of course.” Cas is unshaken. Of course he wishes he could have stayed, wishes he could have said goodbye to Jack or Sam, but it doesn’t matter. Dean is okay. They’re all okay. There are few prices he wouldn’t pay to save them.

The Empty raises a hand lazily and the dark nothingness around them shimmers. Shapes begin to rise as a scene solidifies.

“What are you doing?” Cas takes a step back, but it’s futile. There’s no escape for him this time.

The Empty doesn’t answer his question. “Your happiness was peculiar,” it says. “I can’t help but wonder, why? Why die for Dean Winchester?”

“Because I love him,” Cas says, like it’s the simplest thing in the world. Because it is. Despite everything, despite all the ways they’ve hurt each other and the way it’s torn him apart, it’s woven into the fabric of his existence.

“Thank you,” he finds himself saying.

The smug, gleeful look on the Empty’s face slips for a moment before twisting into a sneer. “Thank you?” It swings its legs to the ground and starts moving towards Cas almost predatorily. Behind it, the throne disappears into the ground. “Thank you?”

“I may have been the one to summon you, but in taking Billie, you helped me save Dean,” Cas says simply.

“Oh, no. No no no no no.” Its face contorts into a grin that’s almost triumphant. “You think you saved him?” the Empty says. “Castiel, you broke him.”

That’s when the space around them clears and Cas realizes where they are.

The bunker’s library is still. Everything is as it was before Billie came, except for the laptop open on the far table, and the half empty bottle of whiskey beside it. And there’s Dean.

Cas’ feet carry him from the doorway, past the bookshelves, closer to him. He doesn’t remember this memory.

“It’s in real time,” the Empty says. “My very own play by play.”

“For an entity that wants to sleep, you talk a lot,” Cas says dryly.

Surprisingly, the Empty doesn’t scowl. Instead, it gestures towards Dean.

Dean picks up the whiskey and takes a swig of it, and Cas gets his first good look at him.

There are bags under his eyes. His hair is a mess. He looks awful, like he hasn’t slept or showered or eaten in days. His eyes have a new, haunted quality that they didn’t have before. He’s been crying.

Cas wonders if it’s because of him. His eyes drift from Dean’s face to his shoulder. A handprint— Cas’ bloody handprint, goodbye, Dean— sits there, and he knows.

“Dean,” he says, then stops.

Dean’s eyes are glued to the computer. He doesn’t react. There’s no twitch of his slumped shoulders. He doesn’t turn around to look at Cas.

The Empty stands smugly off to the side. It’s leaning against the doorframe, arms crossed. “So. Still confident you made the right choice?”

“Yes,” Cas says. As much as it hurts to see Dean like this, he’s alive. Dean cares so much, Cas never doubted he wouldn’t grieve, but soon enough, he’ll move on. Even if he’s miserable now, he’ll be happy someday, and that’s what matters. Alive and with a future he deserves.

“Take a look at what he’s watching,” the Empty suggests, eyes glittering.

Cas is on autopilot as he steps behind Dean’s chair. The air is knocked out of his chest and he forgets how to breathe when he sees what’s on the computer screen.

It’s them.

They’re standing in the dungeon, facing each other. Dean glances toward the door, then back to Cas. Cas can’t see his face, but he knows that he’s smiling.

He forgot about the camera they kept down there.

Cas watches as the Dean and him in the tape get closer. Watches as his hand comes up to grip Dean’s shoulder. Sees Dean fall to the side and how the Empty emerges, how he’s enveloped by it and disappears.

And then he watches Dean rewind the clip.

The dungeon door slams open, and Cas is carrying Dean as they stumble inside. Grabbing a knife out of Dean’s pocket, painting a sigil on the door—

The Dean not in the video takes another drink.

Cas tears his eyes away.

The Empty has been watching contently. “You gave everything up? All for this one—“ it gestures at Dean’s defeated form, “—broken human? Is this what you call saved?” it prods. “You never saved him, Castiel.”

“That’s not true,” Cas says. His voice isn’t as strong as he tries to make it.

“It is. Ever since you first laid a hand on him in Hell he was lost.” The Empty revels in the way Cas stiffens. “You’re cursed, Castiel. You can’t fix what’s broken because you are broken. You try and you try and you try to save Dean Winchester, but all you do is destroy him. The cracks in your chassis slice him open again and again, and you call it love.”

Cas hurts. It’s impossible not to, hearing the Empty’s words, feeling how they dig under his skin, because he’s thought these things a thousand times before. Watching Dean take another drink from the bottle makes his heart squeeze painfully.

But he made the right choice, he reminds himself. He did the right thing. Dean is alive. Grieving, but alive. He’ll be okay. Him, Sam, and Jack will help each other through this. He will be okay.

Cas holds onto that truth, gripping it tightly.

Dean rests his head in his hands, looking away from the tape for the first time.

Cas is on autopilot when he draws closer, resting a hand on Dean’s shoulder that he knows Dean can’t feel.

“I’m sorry,” Dean whispers hoarsely. “Fuck— Cas, I’m so sorry.”

Cas frowns. Dean has nothing to be sorry for. This was Cas’ choice. He’d make the same one again.

“I should’ve— I shouldn’t have gone after Billie. I shouldn’t have let you go with me.” Dean swallows. “I should have told you that I—“ He cuts off.

Cas can feel the Empty’s gaze drilling into him, even if he’s not looking.

“Why did you leave?” Dean shakes his head. “You sonofabitch. I told you not to. I love you. Probably should have told you that, too.”

Cas stills.

“I’m gonna,” Dean continues suddenly. “Cas, I hope you’ve got your ears on. I’m coming to get you, I—“

The world folds in on itself and Dean disappears. There’s nothing but Cas and Empty, now. He barely notices.

Dean loves him.

That fact doesn’t surprise him as much as maybe it should. The same way Cas is composed of creation and stardust, Dean is composed of righteousness and love. Cas just never thought Dean would love him like that.

Dean loves him.

“I hope you’re happy, Castiel,” the Empty says. “I hope you’re happy that you broke his heart. I hope you enjoy knowing that you’ve ruined him.”

“I saved him,” Cas says, sure. “And now it’s his turn to save me.”

The Empty doesn’t have a response to that. It just scowls and waves a hand.

Cas sinks into sleep as the nothingness consumes him and he dreams.

tag list: @glowstickcas @blue-eyed-cutiepatootie @angelscas @floral-cas @castielsbeeslippers @dune-echo @gayhuckleberryinatrenchcoat @fellshish @bestiarum @top13zepptraxx @linaraiscorner @theedorksinlove @destiel-is-canon-i-guess @sansasworld

let me know if you want to be added or removed :D

#I meant to write this months ago but oops #rewatching s13 does things to a person #spn #castiel #dean winchester #destiel #my fic #my writing

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cr-noble-writes · 9 months

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AO3 Meme

tagged by @dandenbo <3

Rules: Give us the links to your wonderful words with the most hits, most kudos, most comments, most bookmarks, most words, and least words.

I almost feel like I should do two separate categories here, because I have way more of everything on my SPN fanfic just based on the fact that it's been around longer and is a bigger fandom. Plus I've written way more fics for it lol. So, I'm putting SPN under a cut because I am not really active in that fandom at this point, but I want to include it because tbf, some of my greatest works of writing were done in it.

Mass Effect:

Most Hits, Kudos, & Bookmarks : All's Fair in Love and Sparring (mshenko, E) It starts off as a sparring match, and they both win in Shepard's cabin. (Porn always gets the most hits in my experience lol)

Hits: 1154 Kudos: 87 Bookmarks: 14

Most Comments:

Couldn't Utter My Love (mShep/trans mShep, M) Jackson Shepard, Commander of the Normandy spends a lot of time with Alex Atruzea, right hand of Aria T'Loak on Omega. Perhaps not my most popular fic, but one that I truly love, and that the people reading it also seem to love!

Comments: 72

Most Words:

Growing Pains (pre-canon mshep, GA) Alex Shepard hopped a cargo ship with an unknown destination when he was twelve and ended up in the Asari colony of Blackdamp on Asteria. He liked the colony, and when he told Ishara—the Asari who found him in the streets—that he’d rather stay in Blackdamp than be sent to the human colony on the other side of the planet, she adopted him.

Word Count: 13088

Least Words:

Disappointment (pre-canon mShep & Hannah Shepard, T) In which Jackson talks to Hannah about turning down her ICT recommendation.

Word Count: 390

tagging: @waidwn @pastelroyce @commander-krios @nickelkeep @bleuzombie @imbiowaresbitch and @wrathoscribbles if y'all wanna do the thing!

Supernatural (Not counting Season Z because I only wrote two chapters of that)

Most Hits:

Lock Me Up (Destiel, M). Dean and Cas have been together for a few years now, exploring their D/s relationship, mostly trying things that Cas suggests, until Dean finally finds something he really wants to try. Again, porn always gets lots of hits lolol

Most Kudos: Watching You (Destiel, E) Dean Winchester and Castiel Novak barely knew each other when they were forced to marry by a legal contract between their respective fathers. That was a month ago, and though they’ve been sharing a bed for that entire time, they have yet to consummate the marriage. But Castiel can’t deny his new husband is sinfully hot, and the more time they spend together, the more he thinks he’s falling for him. But Dean never gives any indication that he might feel the same way. Until one night when he thinks Castiel is asleep.

Kudos: 518

Most Comments:

The Quest for the Demon King's Heart (Destiel, E) In a fantasy land, Dean, the Demon King, goes to a distant guild to take a break from evil, where he meets a young adventurer, Castiel, on a quest to slay the Demon King. For fun, Dean helps and protects the adventurer, and affection grows between them. Then, they arrive at the gates of his castle.

Comments: 178

Most Bookmars:

You Should See Me In A Crown (Destiel, E) Dean Winchester: native of Chelsea, MA, ex-Navy Seal sniper, freelance assassin. Known as The Hunter, he works with a small group of other freelance criminals in the Network, where they can share resources, vet clients, and choose targets with confidence. He never takes a job if the target doesn’t deserve their fate and he draws hard lines at assassinating people in front of their families. And he’s got a massive bone to pick with Alistair Sorokin. Castiel may be an important figure within the Russian mafia, running their gambling and prostitution rackets, but he dislikes the way the Pahkan, the boss, runs the family. Alistair is far too violent and Castiel believes it's bad for business. Though he detests unnecessary bloodshed, it's an easy decision for him to hire The Hunter to help him dispose of Alistair and take over the ruling seat to restore order and eliminate the unnecessary tensions and violence between the Russians, the Irish, and the Italians. Neither man is prepared for the feelings developing between them as they work through the long list of targets.

Bookmarks: 118

Most Words:

Falling Apart (Destiel end-game, T) Sword & Cross Resident Rehabilitation is a last-ditch effort for Dean Winchester to move past the drug and drinking problems he developed to bury his guilt over the fire that killed his brother. Not to mention the wild visions and smoky, sentient shadows that have plagued him his entire life. It's supposed to be the best Savannah has to offer, but one look at the crumbling tile floors and dangling crown mouldings, and Dean has his doubts. Enter Castiel Novak. He’s rude, aloof, and a total dick from the moment they lay eyes on each other but Dean can’t help but feel a mysterious connection to the man. Maybe he really has lost his mind. But when Castiel starts making appearances in Dean’s vivid visions of the past, he knows there is more to their link than meets the eye. Even if Cas keeps telling him otherwise. It seems everyone at Sword & Cross knows what’s going on except for Dean. Trying to conquer his mountain of guilt and doubt and figure out the connection he is certain he shares with Castiel is only made harder by the “accidents” that seem to follow him. Not to mention his attraction to Gadreel. Whatever secret Castiel is trying so hard to keep, Dean knows he has to uncover it.

Word Count: 49204

Least Words:

Pants (Castiel/OFC, No rating) An almost drabble I wrote for someone during as a request during a follower celebration.

Word Count: 194

#tag games #ao3 meme #mass effect #supernatural #cr noble writes

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quietwingsinthesky · 8 months

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13, 24

13. Worst blorbofication

See, the one I run into that bothers me the most is Dean. God forbid we treat him with an ounce of nuance and allow him to be a little shitty sometimes. But for the worst worst? Gabriel. Gabriel got hit so hard with the fandomification ray and he’s never recovered. I’d wager a bit of it is how a not inconsiderable amount of people did not watch s1-3 and so are. Less aware of the whole ‘killing Dean hundreds of times in a row for Sam’s personal torture in a misguided attempt to make Dean’s eventual real death hit less hard and uhm. Actually making it much much worse lmao.’ I feel like maybe if you didn’t sit there and watch Gabriel laugh off Sam’s distress at first and then force him to go six months without Dean + think he killed his pseudo-father figure for a minute, you perhaps are just going to believe he’s a funny goofy guy who stuck them in tv land for a bit. And this obviously makes it very easy to pair the spares with him & Sam in the background of destiel. Because this entire fandom is the worlds most boring game of politics influenced by dean and cas sucking each others dicks. All things can and shall be traced back to destiel. Or wincest. Sometimes. But mostly destiel.

24. topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

So many to choose from. I’m gonna pick the one that’s started to annoy me as I get deeper into the later seasons, and that’s Sam and Dean and the entire topic of the abuse literally happening on the screen in front of our eyes. Because, I think I’ve said this before, I don’t care if someone doesn’t want to engage with that topic, hell knows the show doesn’t care to examine what’s going on there beyond a surface level that always loops back around to ‘but dean was right to be paranoid and controlling because bad things happen otherwise’, but what is. So gross. Is the takes I have now been forced to see ranging from ‘well ACTUALLY none of the things Dean does are abusive and are normal’ which is Worrying to ‘Sam deserves it because if it was that bad, he would just leave Dean and he doesn’t, so he must like the way he’s being treated’ which is Rancid! Well aware of this fandom’s inability to do nuance ever or recognize that emotional abuse is as destructive as physical abuse (see: every fic that insists John hit his kids when show canon has a literal actual episode emphasizing to us that John did not in fact hit his kids, but the damage he did through neglect and emotional abuse is just as harmful.)

Oh, actually, you know what. Changing my answer. John Winchester. That’s my answer. Rancid takes all around. Holding my nose wading through metas about him looking for the rare gold that actually understands his character.

#ask #tw abuse #spn

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sailorsally · 1 year

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imo I think they didn’t want to even acknowledge the confession or cas because it was too much to unpack and they (jensen and misha) don’t know how, they’ve been written into a corner. Misha has had a love-hate relationship with the show/fandom for the last few years and had to process peoples reactions to Cas’s unrequited feelings at the same time as his divorce (which made a lot of his cameo vids awkward) and told people at m&gs as late as December that “the show cost him his marriage” (idk why he’s telling fans this). so I don’t think anybody wants to bring cas back unless they have some utility for his character, and I don’t have any more expectations for the confession being addressed beyond Cas reassuring Dean that he doesn’t need anything from him, because Misha was pretty determined to find the beauty in Cas finding self-acceptance through unconditional love for another person.

Oh, I have never thought about how the cameos coincided with his ongoing devorce 😬

As for them having been written into a corner, that checks out. There are only two ways out: 1) Dean says it back 2) Cas assures Dean it's not that important and they basically brush it off. Which with Jensen Not Getting the romantic nature of Destiel, is a real fear I have.

As for Misha saying the show cost him his marriage... That makes me very sad for him. Relationships are hard and it's even harder when you have 14h long work days and extra 2 hours of commute pretty much constantly. I think he is so fixated on spending time with his kids now because he missed a lot from when they were younger. I have a hunch that in the end, Vicky didn't really appreciate being stuck home alone with kids most of the time. And no, I am not calling Misha a deadbeat dad. I wish I had a dad as caring and present as him. It's just, hours are brutal in film industry. From my personal experience filming is like running a sprint. Your body can just barely make it to the end of 30 day shoot and then you need months to recover. Doing that for 12 years is unimaginable to me.

Anyways he probably said that to fans because he felt safe, not because he was bitching or complaining. I also think Misha is emotionally mature enough not to hold 'grudges' against Cas or SPN for his failed divorce. Plus I genuinely think he loves that guy. He just loves Cas! He has said so! Cas is his bestie 💙 And he cares about us fans a lot so I think he's be game to return. (Said so in the recent interview didn't he?)

As for Misha being determined to find beauty in Cas loving Dean unconditionally and not needing to hear it back, thinking about this now, I think that is what he personally needed to hear at that time. It's apparent that he was still deeply in love with Vicky even after separation. So I say if we get to have Cas comfort us, Misha deserves his own piece of comfort too. Though things change, perspectives change, feelings come and go, and besides it's not Misha who is writing is it? All in all, I can't believe I have ranted so much but I would say I still have more faith in Misha than Jensen. Sorry but that's how I'm built 😌

#ask sally #very long and unnecessary rant about the actor man and adjacent events

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likeaprayermp3 · 5 months

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the saddest thing about destiel is that in the beginning they’re both on the same page, both just sensing this special connection between them and neither understanding what it really is. i think after the end dean understands the impact and influence he could have on cas, and doesn’t want that. after my bloody valentine cas understands what he feels for dean. both of them are in full repression/isolation mode, like, can’t let this relationship be a distraction from stopping the apocalypse. but then sam goes in the cage and dean goes to lisa, which more than being about loving lisa is about fulfilling his promise to sam. and then they’re like never on the same page again!

dean thinking they can pick up where they left off, but cas is with crowley, then meg. dean thinking he misread cas’s feelings for him but really cas is withdrawing because he doesn’t think he deserves to live, be happy, be with dean. he ditches him in purgatory to protect him, then dean’s with benny. by the time cas gets back from purgatory, sam and dean are fighting and cas is being lobotomized all the time… when he loses his grace dean kicks him out, which cas later learns was for sam’s benefit, and finally cas accepts that no matter what else happens dean will always put sam first, so he also decides to put his own responsibilities first. but he’s so holding a torch it’s not even funny. dean is so burdened with the mark of cain and then being a demon (and being with crowley) and now this darkness bullshit and it’s so clear cas at this point is irrevocably in love with dean and is committed to suffering in silence, and dean has shut down any part of himself that considers emotions, his own or others. and now cas has let lucifer in. which can’t be great for their relationship

and dean having seen cas with meg, knowing he slept with april, don’t really know how much he knows about hannah but like. dean has no reason to believe cas is anything but straight either. which is laughable especially because i think when hannah had a male vessel they had way more of a shot with cas if they hadn’t been stabbed asf. like lol side note but women cas has been with: a demon. a reaper. a genderfluid angel

anyway all this is to say. i wish they’d just have a conversation

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dirigibleplumbing · 5 months

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Even if Destiel doesn’t become reciprocated in any future canon I think we all deserve Cas being allowed to be openly in love with Dean and Dean having to put up with it. Like, Cas is just being himself and he’s not hitting on Dean or expecting anything but he looks at Dean adoringly way more and when things get fraught he doesn’t have to hedge his words anymore with like “it’s for the good of the world you survive!” he’s just like “but I love you 🥺” and Dean has to learn how to deal with it haha take that Dean’s self loathing

AGREED! the powers that be were cowards for not letting us see this, but it would’ve forced Dean to grow and change beyond their scope. (Dean absolutely grows and changes throughout the show, not TPTB wanted to admit that by the end, but facing this would go even beyond what we’ve seen so far.) we’ve never gotten to see Dean face unconditional love in a way he can’t look away from. (evidence indicates that he believed Sam’s and Lisa’s love for him, for example, was/is conditional.)

#yay an ask!#anonymous #spn #Supernatural #destiel #post 15x18 #spn 15x18 #spn despair

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boughs-of-berries · 1 year

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You know what? I’ve changed my mind I WILL be elaborating.

Dean as “The Soldier”: There will come a soldier, who carries a mighty sword / He will tear your city down, oh lei oh lai oh lord

I feel like this is the most obvious one. He was raised to be the perfect soldier, told not to question his orders, and used as a weapon. The description from the quiz says “Righteousness. Strength. Violence. You see a door and break through it. You wonder, sometimes, if anger is the only thing you can feel. Remember : love is passion too. You made your own rules and will follow them to death. You try and forget that there is only one rule, and that it is ‘FIGHT’. You are tired of fighting. You try to forget that, too, and keep going. You dream of quiet. Your love is where you heal. God knows you deserve to”. If I didn’t know any better, I would’ve said that that was written specifically about Dean ‘The Righteous Man’ Winchester. How many times have we seen throughout the series that Dean believes that all he is is anger? Has he said that he is tired of having to fight? In the confession scene, Cas says most of the stuff about how he isn’t just anger, but rather love. It is through Cas confessing his love to Dean that Dean is able to start healing, and we see that in 15x19, when Chuck tells Dean that he is “the ultimate killer” and Dean responds that “that’s not who I am”. There is a question in the quiz that asks what duty is, and the possible answers are “Violence”, “An Excuse”, and “Undeniable”. I believe that these answers are for the Soldier, Poet, and King respectively. For Dean, as the Soldier, duty is violence. All he has ever been needed for is as a weapon, so for him that would be all he knows. I know that some people may argue that Dean as as much if not more so a proponent of free will, and ergo he would also say that duty is an excuse, but it’s not that simple. Dean is far more likely to go along with what he feels is his duty, not because he’s a brainless soldier who just does what he’s told, but rather because he will follow his duty if it’s not something he is morally objective to. Dean is also more likely to feel guilty for abandoning his duty, especially if he thinks that doing so would hurt someone. Take for example Dean refusing to say “yes” to Michael. He knows that if he says “yes”, that millions of innocent people are going to die. He is obviously very opposed to this idea, so even though it’s his duty, he refuses to do it, as opposed to something like hunting. Dean agrees that bad monsters need to be stopped, he has the training to do so, and if he doesn’t do it then people would be hurt, so even if he doesn’t necessarily want to, he does his duty.

Sam as “The Poet”: There will come a poet, whose weapon is his word / He will slay you with his tongue, oh lei oh lai oh lord

Sam often gets labelled as the “Brain” to Dean’s “Brawn”, and while Dean isn’t stupid, and Sam isn’t weak, those labels don’t come from nowhere. Sam is more likely to use his words to talk his way out of a problem, or use communication to avoid conflict in the first place. He also leans more heavily into using magic and spells in a fight, and is often the one who performs exorcisms and the like, literally slaying people with his tongue (and also the women he kisses tend to die lol). The description from the quiz reads “Loneliness. Strength. Joy. You are powerful, but struggle believing it. You think you're not enough. Here's the truth: you are. You sing songs and hope they carry faith, because you have run out if it, and yet you still throw your heart out to the world and hope it makes it through. You convince yourself that pain is art because at least then, you will always have something to create. You are tired of stumbling through life. You dream of a ground you can stand on. One day, you will dance. Your love is where you feel - without fear”. Especially with the demon blood in early seasons, Sam believed that he was tainted, and couldn’t be good. In later seasons, we see a Sam who may seem drained but always tries to have faith, and have hope that things will still work out, because if he doesn’t then who will? For Sam, duty is an excuse. Sam is a heavy believer in free will, and thinks that you always have the option of choosing something else. It may have been his duty to hunt, but that isn’t what he wanted to do, so he left to go to school. If you use duty as an excuse for why you did something, then there must be an underlying reason for why you really did it, because you never have to follow duty.

Castiel as “The King”: There will come a ruler, whose brow is laid in thorns / Smeared with oil like David’s boy, oh lei oh lai oh lord

Literally “The Man Who Would Be King” himself, Castiel fits the description of the King perfectly. Going by the lyrics first, you could argue that this is the section with the most direct links to Christianity, and the Angel one fits that way. The crown of thorns and part about David’s boy are ties to Jesus, a son of God, and Cas, as an angel, is a son of God. Taking the crown of thorns line without the religious connotations, it matches his arc in season 6 really well. Just like how a literal crown of thorns would cut you, Cas was torn apart in every way in receiving power; physically, in his body deteriorating, mentally, under the pressures he was under, and emotionally, by having to compromise on his morals and values to try and win the war. Castiel was a commander in Heaven, and as we see throughout the show he isn’t afraid to make difficult decisions and he accepts whatever consequences may come as a result of them. The description from the quiz reads “Duty. Strength. Resignation. You were told to do things and you did them. The world is something that was put into your hands and that you must deal with - so you will. You have a rigid back and steady hands, either metaphorically or physically. Is it nature or nurture ? You don't know. You are tired of being steady. You dream of feeling alive. Not that you aren't, but, sometimes, it's hard to remember that there is a heart between your ribs. Your love is where you breathe. Come on, breathe. In. Out. It starts now”. Once again, a description that feels like it was written about Cas. For millennia, Cas followed along with what he was supposed to do. Even when he rebelled, he continued to do what he was supposed to, it was just that his moral code was aligned to Dean. In season 4, we see that Cas is beginning to feel, and throughout the rest of the show he highly values keeping those emotions and tries to encourage them in other angels. In the confession scene, Cas tells Dean that it is because of Dean that he even knows how to feel and love in the first place. Anything he loves is intrinsically tied to Dean, because without Dean he never would have loved. It is with Dean that he is the most free, and that is where he can breathe. For Castiel, duty is undeniable. While he does agree that you have the option of making any choice, whatever one you make will always be your duty. For countless years, his duty was to Heaven, so all of his choices revolved around that. When he rebelled in season 4, he wasn’t abandoning his duty to Heaven, but rather his duty was shifting to align to Dean. When he betrays the Winchesters in season 6, it is because he feels he has a duty to fix Heaven. Castiel believes that you can’t escape duty, all you can do is change what you are duty-bound to.

#castiel #dean winchester #sam winchester #spn #supernatural #tfw #team free will #destiel #soldier poet king

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genadelikesships1233 · 1 year

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I also want Dean’s apology too jack to go like this. (Im a bad writer so sorry) (Also Jack isn’t God, but Cas is teaching him angelic power stuff and the Confession didn’t happen but Destiel is referenced) (This is very janky, so sorry)

Dean is sitting on the hood of the impala. Tonight was hard. A hunt gone wrong had gotten Sam hurt, even though he had only broken a leg, Dean felt guilty. He felt guilty for alot of things, Jack had been talking to Cas but then immediately retreated to his room after seeing Dean.

Not only was he guilty about his brother. He knew he didn’t do right by Jack. The kid is only 2. Cas was trying to convince his friend that he was angry, but even Cas didn’t believe that. Dean had lost his mother, but he then almost lost his kid and best friend.

Could he even call Jack his kid anymore?

Not until he apologized and earned Jack’s trust back.

So he decided to drive somewhere private. He left Sam with Cas, and explained he needed to go for a drive. His brother and best friend exchanged a look but didn’t ask questions.

So here he was. On the side of the road. He then closed his eyes and prayed.

“Hey, Jack.

It’s Dean. I know you don’t want to talk but I- I wanted to apologize.

I was hurt and I got angry. And after what you did- I just couldn’t stop it. And then I made the mistake of thinking you aren’t our family.

You are so important to us and you are family. And i treated you like any other monster . But I forget you’re only a kid, Cas’ kid.

So i just wanted to say im sorry. And just wanted to begin earning your trust back.

But if you don’t want that I don’t blame you.”

Dean didn’t realize he had started crying, he waited for a second. Before bowing his head and sagging his shoulders, the guilt he felt was heavy but it’s what he deserved. He knew Jack wouldn’t forgive him, he knew it, he just lost another person who as willing to love him. Fuck he was an idiot-

His self deprecating stopped when he felt a sobbing Jack hugging him so tight that under normal circumstances he would have told the kid he couldn’t breathe but now he just hugged the kid back.

The kid had his face buried in Dean’s chest and was talking absolute nonsense. But Dean made out a few words like. “Dean” “Im sorry” and the one that broke his heart. “Dad”

They hugged like that for 5 minutes. Dean held onto Jack protectively, it reminded him on how he would comfort Sammy when he was crying.

It made him unconsciously hug tighter.

Jack after calming down but still hugging Dean said. “I have already forgiven you. I just didn’t think that you would want me around anymore. But I miss being a family.” “I thought you kept me around for Castiel. But Im scared Dean, Im scared one of these days, you will just throw me out. Please don’t hate me anymore”

The last words hit Dean like a truck. Fuck. Did he really mess up this much? He let go of Jack and then held his shoulders, being face to face.

“Jack- I don’t hate you. I will never ever hate you, I can’t say I wasn’t angry. And I can’t excuse myself. But you matter to me. It took time but I realized that you are the chance that will finally redeem me. To not be the soldier my dad raised me as. Im sorry, i want my family back too”

Jack smiled. And Dean felt the weight leave him shoulders but in the back of his head, he told himself he doesn’t deserve it. He doesn’t deserve Jack or his family.

Jack’s face became serious for a second and then he smiled again. “Can we go home?”

Dean then ruffled his hair and said. “Lets go, kid”

Cas had been happy to see his son and his love be happy again. It almost made him cry in joy when he saw Dean and Jack making dinner together.

He loved them both so dearly, even Dean didn’t know it.

But when him and Jack were alone, Jack became serious.

“I want John winchester in the deepest part of hell and I want him tortured, and beaten.”

To say Cas was shocked would be a understatement of the eon. And when he asked why.

“You should have seen him, Castiel. He still thinks so low of himself. And then I saw scars. All inflicted on him by John. I didn’t want to see it. But I-. If you saw it, Dad. You would be angrier than I am.”

The power to see a person’s scars, inside and out was a power Cas had taught him. He realized he never used it on the brothers, or at all. Not seeing it necessary but Jack wanted to learn it.

And when he did see the scars on Dean, he was horrified.

Jack had been right.

And he did make sure, John winchester got what he deserved.

Crowley and Rowena, were happy to oblige.

#The ending was just self indulgent #Destiel #Jack kline #Castiel #Dean winchester #I wanted this #I will never stop hating the ending

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deancodedcastielenby · 10 months

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Someone asked me the other day why I love this stupid show so much. And before I could think I just said: “Because they are human.” To which I got: “Uh… they are fictional characters.”

And Yeah I get that, but my point still stands. They are human. Even our gay little angel, he’s so very human it hurts. In a world full of Kardashians and reality TV I take SPN every time, because unlike those reality tv shows I can connect to these characters on a very personal level.

Dean is selectively mute, follows his fathers orders almost to a fault as a child, and takes care of a younger sibling. Take out the motels and the minute amount of money and you could be talking about me. Dean did whatever it took to keep his brother safe, I did the same for my brother when my parents were fighting. Different battles, but I can identify with this character. The first person Dean tells who he is and that he is in love with that person, they drop him like a dead weight. The way he thinks he doesn’t deserve to be happy! The way he thinks that all he has “earned” in life is scorn… its like looking in a fucking mirror.

Sam was always the “new kid” the “weird kid” and the “nerdy kid”. Well fuck if that wasn’t me in school. I excelled, to a point where teachers asked me to take a course again, to be their assistant teacher. Sam has this sense of needing to fit in, and wanting to just be normal. What teen doesn’t? He did after school activities to give Dean a break and also not be at the motel because he butted heads with John. When I tell you I used to drive around for HOURS when I got my license and be out of the house as much as humanly possible its no fucking joke. Sam wanted to be a lawyer because he has this sense of Justice, he has seen the world beat the hell out of his brother and him, he has seen all the dark things and he wants to make things safe with what he thinks is the only “gift” he’s got, and that’s his head. For the longest time everyone told me I should be a lawyer because I would stand up for what I believed in, and I had a strong moral compass… Sam fell for the “wrong” people, and even the people put in his path because he just wanted to be loved for who he was and… well I cannot count the number of shit relationships I have been in.

Castiel was angel, and he had purpose! He knew exactly what he was meant to do and didn’t ask questions… until this immovable force blocked that path and let him see for the first time. He saw these flawed people that he was working with and he *felt*. Like, that is fucking special. Dean was able to let him see the moment Cas touched his soul, and because of Dean he was able to create free will. Sure I don’t have the best relation to this one, but I can tell you that growing up in a conservative household where I was told things were to be a certain way or else, finding out that there was more to the picture was like a punch in the gut. I made bad choices, and I chose the wrong people, and i believed the lies I was fed… until I didn’t any more. Until my amazing friends called me on my BS and they showed me that I was missing a helluva lot. I’m still fucking learning, and so yeah I could understand Cas quite a bit.

Bobby Singer was the father I WISH I FUCKING HAD. Someone who took the time to just know ME who I was and not force shit on me so that I learned “marketable skills”. Watching that scene where he is wandering around with Rufus and seeing little Dean and him at the fucking park? I CRIED LIKE A FUCKING BABY.

But its that, that connection that makes them human. Its that reason that i keep going back. Its the flaws that I see in these people that I can see in myself and just having that where i can see it is extraordinary. Sure I love the story itself, but just a muscle car and classic rock wouldn’t have kept my attention for 15 seasons. It was the Characters that did. Do I have the biggest love for Sam? No, and I admit that. Sure there are a lot of similarities in flaws, but i just never could get behind Sam. I felt a loser kinship to Dean, because I am an eldest child, and I do know the weight of the world on my shoulders even though I am an adult now I still feel it. Like Dean I would never abandon my siblings if they needed me, no matter what we were going through, and I think when Sam didn’t look for Dean it kinda killed that for me. Because we weren’t the “same anymore”. Not to say he’s a bad character, I just don’t like some of the choices that the writers went with, and that’s okay because I still love the show.

I tried to convey all of this in my haphazard way, and some of the people I was talking to get it, I think. But it still comes down to “they are fictional characters”. So? Maybe to you, but to me? They are a reflection of the shit I am dealing with. They are reflections of battles I have within myself every damn day. They are important to me, because I can see myself in those positions doing the same stupid shit with the hand I was dealt and for a moment I can say: “Well see someone else would do it too. I’m not alone.” And that’s the greatest part about fandom because you can share these same type of experiences with people all over the globe. We all have our reasons for loving this silly little show with all the issues in the world, but it’s OURS.

Sorry for the rant…. I just needed to talk about it.

#my junk #supernatural #its a fucking rant okay #I’m sorry I am not in a good place and SPN is my comfort show #I know I am a mess but its real feels up in here

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wikiangela-fanfics · 2 years

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Fictober22 - 20. There's only us.

Fandom: supernatural

Ship: Dean x Cas

Ao3

Words: 488

Note: Haven't written a lot of destiel for fictober so here's another short one haha This is so silly, I don't even know what it was supposed to be lmao

***

“You know, sometimes it still doesn’t feel real.” Dean whispers one night, as he lies in bed next to Cas, just looking at him. He looks beautiful in the faint glow of moonlight falling through the window. Dean still can’t believe he gets to have him like this.

“I know.” Cas turns to face Dean, then reaches out and gently touches his cheeks. Dean leans into the touch. “Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll wake up and I’ll be back in the Empty.” he admits.

“Well, you won’t. I’m never letting you leave again.” he puts his hand on top of Cas’. It’s so new to him, being so open and vulnerable. It still feels weird, sometimes. But it puts a smile on Cas’ face, so he tries, and he’s gonna keep trying. “No one can get between us anymore.” he adds with determination, getting pissed off just remembering the feeling of anger, confusion, and hopelessness, when he found out about Chuck basically controlling all of them their whole lives to get his fucked up story. For a minute there he wasn’t sure what was even real anymore. Now he knows, though.

“Yeah. There’s no one controlling, or trying to control us anymore.” Cas says, as if he can read Dean’s mind – which, he can’t, he’s human now – his voice is quiet and soothing, and Dean wants to listen to it forever. “There’s only us. And it’s been the most real thing about all of it.” he smiles softly. “He never intended for this, for us.”

“We sure showed him.” Dean grins, leaning closer and leaving a short, sweet kiss on Cas’ lips. “I love you.” he whispers then. He makes sure to say it to Cas every single day, and above that, to show Cas, to keep showing him, how true those three little words are. He wasted way too much time already, he’s not wasting any more.

“I love you, too, Dean.” Cas smiles. “Why are you thinking about all this right now?”

“I don’t know.” he shrugs with one arm, as he lies on the other. “Just, sometimes I can’t believe how lucky I am. How happy I am. You make me so happy.” he whispers, as quietly as he can, still not used to saying shit like this. But again, he’s trying.

“You make me happy, too. The happiest. And after everything, you deserve all the happiness.” he caresses Dean’s cheek softly, and Dean’s eyes automatically fall shut. “Let’s go to sleep, Dean.”

“Yeah, okay.” he wraps his arms around Cas and brings him as close as possible, earning a quiet chuckle, which he can feel reverberating through him.

As most nights nowadays, he falls asleep with a smile on his face, in the arms of the love of his life. It still feels surreal, but at the same time more real than anything Dean’s ever experienced. For the first time in his life, he’s just purely happy.

#fictober22 #fictober 2022 #destiel ficlet #destiel fic #destiel #fictober #dean and cas #post 15x18 #wikiangela writes #my writing #fictober prompts #supernatural #supernatural fic #fluff #destiel fluff

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castielmacleod · 2 years

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I was reading that post about the 12x23 Crowley conundrum and. It’s not that I necessarily disagree with the actor man on his own character but……. lol I kind of do actually. I feel a bit insane over how he doesn’t seem aware of how. Soft? He actually played Crowley sometimes. I mean Crowley definitely likes winning, but idk you can’t convince me that it’s ALL he cared about, especially toward the end. And I think that the growth of the character from just wanting to win, along with the instances where he actually does care about other things are actually very important?

Like I actually do genuinely believe he cared about Rowena. Not on a personal level, maybe, but on a deep traumatised level where he is still desperate for her affection and approval despite everything. I do think that he felt so incredibly, painfully lonely and unloved that he formed a genuine romantic attachment to Dean that haunted him right up to his suicide. I don’t think he ever actually hated Cas at any point, and past season 8 he is actually an surprisingly reliable ally to Cas whenever Cas needs his help. And I truly believe that Crowley actually did on some level want to better himself, to be different. In 10x23 he says he thought that by doing better and making changes to himself then maybe he’d feel something again. He doses himself with human blood throughout season 9, also presumably to feel something—feel things more deeply, at least, than he’s able to as a demon. And of course 8x23 is where we learn that underpinning all of Crowley’s actions is actually an overwhelming desire to be loved. It’s actually kind of notable that it ISN’T the desire to win that comes up in that scene, because he could have had the same break down, cried about how he deserves to win, he just wants to win. It still would have been kind of sad, at least to me. But instead that scene was about love and it instantly added so much more dimension to him. And I think “ultimately just wants to be loved” is a way more deep and compelling thesis for Crowley than “literally does not care and only wants to win” could ever be.

Mark seems to have a very divided view of where Fergus ends and Crowley begins, and in some ways I agree—Fergus is not Crowley. But I think Crowley is Fergus. To me Crowley is, when it comes down to it, still the 8 year old boy who was abandoned by his mother all those centuries ago. You can literally see that little boy on his face when Rowena is talking to him sometimes. That’s why it’s like… even if Crowley thinks he doesn’t care about Rowena, even if he tries to compartmentalise her as Fergus’ mother, not his—he very much actually does care. Visibly. It’s weird to me that of all the people to not really recognise that, it’s the guy actually standing in front of the camera making it so that Crowley visibly cares. Not just about Rowena, but about Cas, and Dean. All people he can’t get over.

And I mean Crowley’s plotlines definitely started getting worse in his last few seasons. By which I mean just fucking awful and unbelievably stupid. They really did strip him completely of his cleverness and charisma and temper and it is a brutal defanging honestly. It’s hard to believe smug permasmile unblinking sits-in-chairs-backwards blatantly gay “under a frigging spotlight” clean-shaven Crowley is even the same physical person as later seasons Crowley and I don’t mean that in a “wow character development” way but in a “oh they literally just stopped writing him” way. And like I’m a very melancholy person so I actually don’t even hate the whole depressive spiral Crowley ends up in, it breaks my heart in just the right way and it’s part of the reason I am so especially attached to Crowley as it is (like I always loved him but as soon as they started making me THAT fucking sad about him. Whew.) I think his depression is something that could have been meaningful to his character development and actually done well if 1. it hadn’t come at the cost of at LEAST his smarts (and I know very well how depression can wipe the floor with you and hollow you out into a shell of your former self, but they literally could have at least let him keep his bloody wits about him if nothing else) and 2. it had actually been acknowledged by the show that yes, he is depressed, and 3. it had led into a real proper resolution to the redemption arc they literally put him on instead of letting it putter out into nothing by making the Winchesters continuously refuse to give him the time of day despite everything he kept doing and giving up for them. If the writers had kept ACTUALLY writing him then the depression would have felt purposeful and not this anticlimatic wasting away until Crowley just kills himself.

(Furthermore not a single one of his interactions with Lucifer should have happened and I mean not a SINGLE one. Just throw all of that out. At a minimum though if Lucifer were to end up in Crowley’s captivity then he would have hacked the bloody hell out of him like he did to Samandriel and Gadreel and that’s that.)

And…. please forgive me for saying this but I actually. God I’m sorry. I actually agree with removing the “even when I lose I win” line in the canon context of Crowley’s death. If Crowley had been better written in s12 I would have no issues but I cannot stress enough that there was literally no winning for him at any point in that season, and ESPECIALLY in his death. I very strongly read his suicide as due to him being miserable and repeatedly rejected by the people he cares about and I think that spell was a convenient excuse for him to get it over with. If that’s just my take then okay, but that is really how it comes off to me. And I mean the spell doesn’t even work right away—Lucifer still has time to come out through the portal and murder Cas before Mary pushes him back in but he literally could have escaped! (And later does escape, when the Winchesters reopen🫣 the portal 🫣🫣🫣 to rescue Mary). And ultimately it all makes Crowley’s entire sacrifice kind of pointless. I’m sorry to say that when he lost he lost. And I will never not be bitter about it

#Crowley spn #Tw suicide mention #My posts #This is not like a well composed essay or anything just Thoughts

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