Midnight Pals: Dogs
Clive Barker: now everyone i want you all to welcome a real scary story by dodie smith
Poe: um clive
Poe: is this really appropriate
Barker: oh yeah trust me this is gonna be REAL scary
Barker: for dean
Poe: are you doing this to torment dean
Barker: whaaaat
Barker: i would never
Dodie Smith: submitted for the approval of the midnight society, i call this the tale of the woman who kidnaps dogs
Dean Koontz: what?!
Koontz: you guys
Koontz: you know I like scary stories
Koontz: but you didn't tell me it was gonna be THIS scary
Barker: ahh poor dean, is this too much for you?
Barker: i guess you could just go to bed and leave this one for the big kids
Koontz: n-no
Koontz: no i can take it
King: that's the spirit dean
King: you can do it
Dodie Smith: so there's this woman who kidnaps dogs
Koontz: that's fine, i can handle this
Smith: because she wants to skin them for a coat
Koontz: guysssss
Koontz: guyssss i hate thisss
Barker: ah ha ha
Poe: oh really clive this is too much
Smith: so the important thing is there's this guy mr dearly
Smith: now the government lets him live tax free for life cuz he solved a really hard math problem
King:
King: uh
King: i don't think that's the way that works
Smith: no no that's legit i checked
Smith: that's how we do it in the UK
King:
King: clive?
Barker: That doesn't sound right, but I don't know enough about math to dispute it
Smith: so anyway mr dearly marries this woman
Smith: and his dog marries her dog
Smith: also they both have nannies
Koontz: do the nannies also get married?
Smith: haha of course not dean they're both ladies
Smith: nanny butch and nanny femme are just really good platonic friends
Smith: but there's a problem
Smith: the dearlys adopt ANOTHER dalmatian, perdita
Smith: and this dog
Smith: is NOT married
Barker: and that's a problem huh?
Smith: OF COURSE IT'S A PROBLEM
Smith: you can't just have this dog slutting it up around town!
Smith: so the married dogs, pongo and missus, go on a merry adventure to save their puppies from the insane woman who wants to skin them for a coat
Smith: and when the adventure is over
Smith: they need to buy a bigger house to home all their 97 puppies
Smith: luckily mr dearly solved another problem to help the government pay its taxes
Poe: wait why does the government have to pay taxes
Smith: oh we do things differently in the UK
Poe: yeah, evidently
Smith: perdita's original owners come back
Smith: and the dearlys are afraid that they'll want perdita back
Smith: but they're all "oh we didn't actually like her all that much, you can keep her"
Koontz: wait someone doesn't like a dog?
Koontz: this is breaking my immersion
Smith: but then some other people come by and they have a dog too
Smith: and it turns out that this is perdita's dog husband!
Smith: and these people are all "oh, i guess you can have this dog"
Smith: "you know, since they're already dog married"
Smith: oh also the dearlys get a cat
Smith: the cat also gets married
Barker: christ why are all these animals getting married
Smith: what, you want them living in sin?
Koontz: yeah clive you want them living in sin??
Barker: i just
Koontz: that would be immoral clive!!!
Barker:
Smith: anyway then everyone is matched up in a nice monogamous, hetero-sex pair
Smith: just the way it should be!
Piers Anthony: yeah yeah now THAT'S the way you end a story!
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Perhaps watching someone you love suffer can teach you even more than suffering yourself can.
Dodie Smith
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Midnight Pals: Dogs 2
Dodie Smith: i've got another story about pongo and missus
King: ah do the dogs go on another fun adventure?
Smith: no this time aliens put all humans to sleep and give dogs psychic powers
King:
Lovecraft:
Barker:
Poe:
Koontz: WOWWWW
Koontz: BEST STORY EVER!
Smith: ok so all humans are catatonic now and there's only psychic dogs
Smith: and the dogs think 'oh i bet cruella de vil is behind this'
Smith: 'we should go murder her'
Smith: 'like, we should just go fucking murder her'
Smith: 'put a fuckin bullet in her head'
Smith: but the dogs find out that cruella de vil isn't actually behind it
Smith: so that puts a crimp in their plan to murder her
Smith: then sirius the dog star comes to earth
Smith: like the literal star
Smith: you know, he has the super power to appear as any dog breed
Koontz: [sullenly] i wish i had that power
Frank Belknap Long: dean remind me to talk to you after the story's done
Koontz: no i don't want a fursuit, i want to do it for real!!
Smith: so sirius the dog star is all 'god i'm so lonely, i wish i had a dog'
Smith: 'i wish i had ALL the dogs'
Smith: 'would you dogs like to come live with me in space'
Smith: 'like where laika lives'
Smith: 'in a big nebula with a lot of space to run around'
Smith: so sirius is all 'dogs of earth, would you like to come live with me in space'
Smith: 'WHO WANTS TO GO OUT TO SPACE??? WHO WANTS TO GO OUT TO SPACE???'
Smith: 'WHOS A GOOD BOY??? WHOS A GOOD BOY???'
Smith: sirius is all 'you should all come to space and live with me in space'
Smith: 'you'll know true bliss in space'
Smith: 'and also you'll avoid complete eradication in nuclear apocalyse'
Smith: 'cuz, oh yeah, that's gonna happen btw'
Smith: if they choose to go to space
Smith: then all memory of dogs on earth will be erased
Koontz: no
Smith: no one will remember that dogs ever existed
Koontz: NO!
Smith: it will be as if earth was always a dog-free planet
Koontz: NOOO!!!!!!
Smith: now the dogs of earth have to make a weighty decision
Smith: will they go to space or will they stay loyal to their masters?
Koontz: oh god oh god
Koontz: please say they stay!!
Smith: so the dogs decide…
Koontz: yeah?? yeah???
Smith: the dogs decide…
Koontz: WHAT DO THEY DECIDE!?!?!?
Koontz: I NEED TO KNOW!!!
Smith: the dogs decide…
Koontz: AUGHHHH!!!!!
Smith: the dogs decide to stay on earth because, even though earth is imperfect, it carries the promise that maybe, someday, every good dog can find a home
Koontz: b-but they're ALL good dogs!
Smith: exactly
Koontz:
Koontz: whoaaaaaa
King: wow uh
King: that's some story
King: not what i expected
Barker: oh that's british kids lit for you
Barker: it's all bonkers
Roald Dahl: ee hee hee
Barker: i mean
Barker there ya go
Barker: case in point
King: really? all of it
Barker: oh yeah trust me
[meanwhile]
Beatrix Potter: my story is mr thumpybunny minds the shop
Enid Blyton: my story is Giggles the happy gnome runs afoul of an irishman
JK Rowling:
Rowling: you know what i'm going to sssay
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