#Esme Birdwhistle

[we-are-a-dragon]

Hanako (kitsune bard): I crit! My first hit of the night...

DM: How much?

Hanako: 41 psychic damage.

DM: Guess what her bloodied value is in half-elf form?

Hanako: Wait, really?

DM: You one-hit Esme Birdwhistle.

Billie (gnome ardent): You sang such a damning note her brain bled out of her ears.

#funny #dnd #one hit #crit #Hanako #Billie #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #natural 20 #Esme Birdwhistle #psychic damage #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Thaddeus (khajiit paladin): I grab Esme.

Esme: Unhand me at once! What is going on?

Hanako (kitsune bard): I’m afraid you stand accused of treason.

Esme: Based on what?

Hanako: Based on this wanted poster bearing your name and likeness. Esme Birdwhistle, you are wanted for high banditry in the state of Shibanah.

Esme: I don’t understand.

Hanako: *points at poster* This is you. Do you have a defense?

Esme: I don’t think I need to defend myself. This is ridiculous.

Party: Insight.

DM: Yeah, she’s lying through her teeth and enjoying every minute of it.

#funny #dnd #accusations #bandits #Thaddeus #Hanako #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #NPCs #Esme Birdwhistle #treason #arrest #wanted #insight #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Adam (playing Billie): That was... a session.

DM: You all did really well and I’m really proud of you.

Tati (playing Hanako): I’m still shaken from Therak calling out our names. How did he know so much about us? We never met him before.

DM: After you got Rarth to spy on Esme, she made him right away. She brought him in from day one, got him to spill the beans, and had been updating Therak with everything she knew about you and your movements since she met you.

Tati: Son of a bitch.

Adam: Damn it, Rarth! So he wasn’t even working for Therak from the start, he switched sides!

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): So Therak knew everything up until Esme died? Did he know we were hunting generals?

DM: Yup.

Hamish: Shiiit.

Tati: Wait, Esme knew we were luring her out to kill her?

DM: She did. That’s why she was so cocky.

Tati: Holy shit! No wonder she was so smug. Still... she’s dead now. We won.

DM: You won.

#funny #dnd #aftermath #campaign arc #Billie #Hanako #Thaddeus #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #Therak the Crux #Esme Birdwhistle #Rarth #quest complete #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Tati (playing Hanako): Oh my god, she used wild shape. I still have the flute of animal control!

DM: No.

Tati: Why not?

DM: She’s not actually a dragon, she’s just polymorphed.

Tati: So? The twenty kids that magician was controlling with it weren’t actually dire rats, they were just polymorphed!

DM: It’s different.

Tati: How is it different??

#funny #dnd #dragons #magic items #Hanako #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #wild shape #Esme Birdwhistle #i'm calling bs #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Inside Esme’s wagon there are 24 cages containing various birds of prey.

Tati (playing Hanako): *snorts* ‘Just the ones I couldn’t bear to part with’?

Andy (playing Una): I search for magic.

DM: The cages have magical locks.

Andy: I look for other suspicious stuff. Does she have any ritual components?

DM: ...She’s a druid on her way to heal some animals.

Andy: ...You make a good point.

#funny #dnd #magic #oops #Hanako #Una #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #Esme Birdwhistle #birds #druids #rituals #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Rynnura tells the hundred soldiers she has with her to stand down and introduces the two nobles with her, representatives of the noble houses of Gold and Silver. She invites you to sit down and discuss.

Hanako (kitsune bard): We tell her the whole story, right from when we first heard about Therak and saw the wanted posters, to when we came to Shibanah and recognised Esme, to hunting down the generals and ending up in Darratar. I even pull the bodies of each of the generals out of the bag of holding as they come up in the story.

DM: The nobles are vaguely disgusted.

Hanako: Fair enough. I finish with killing Therak and tearing down the Court of the Rat King, but I tell them that Therak’s body was destroyed by a stray fireball and I don’t mention Damaris at all.

DM: They seem to accept this, especially with your rather gruesome pieces of evidence and the chained thri-kreen you’re handing over.

#funny #dnd #story #campaign arc #Hanako #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #NPCs #Rynnura #Therak the Crux #Esme Birdwhistle #Damaris Miter #Zorah Knibbs #Sybil Hatman #Stratford Beetleman #aftermath #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Okay, I get to go first.

Hanako (kitsune bard): Hey guys, the good news is that if Esme the white dragon kills us all now, we don’t have to deal with all the messes we’ve created.

Una (genasi artificer): ...That’s not comforting!

#funny #dnd #good news #dragons #Hanako #Una #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #Esme Birdwhistle #combat #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Hanako (kitsune bard): If you give us the information we need, we’ll let you rot in a cell for the rest of your life.

Esme: *smirking* What information?

Hanako: I’m not playing games, Esme. Tell us about the other four generals. You have about five seconds to start talking.

Billie (gnome ardent): I put my khopesh at her throat.

Esme: Five seconds? That should be more than enough.

Hanako: Oh, good-

DM: She wild shapes into an adult white dragon!

Hanako: Oh, fuck!

#funny #dnd #dragons #druids #Hanako #Billie #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #NPCs #Esme Birdwhistle #wild shape #threats #oops #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Hanako (kitsune bard): Last chance. Tell us where Therak’s generals are.

DM: The bandit sags. “Sybil Hatman is in the court of the Rat King in Darratar. Stratford Beetleman stays by Therak’s side at all times. Damaris Miter travels wherever she is needed - she has some sort of link to Therak.”

Billie (gnome ardent): And Esme Birdwhistle?

DM: “Esme is the Keeper of the Royal Birds in Shibanah.”

Billie: “No. Esme’s dead.” And I slit his throat.

#funny #dnd #interrogation #reveal #Hanako #Billie #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #Therak the Crux #Sybil Hatman #Stratford Beetleman #Esme Birdwhistle #Damaris Miter #epic #NPCs #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Thaddeus (khajiit paladin): So now we have to kill Esme’s birds.

Una (genasi artificer): What? We’re not killing 24 birds.

Hanako (kitsune bard): Una, we have to.

Una: We do not ‘have to’.

Billie (gnome ardent): They’ve seen too much.

Una: We are not killing the birds.

#funny #dnd #birds #killing #Thaddeus #Una #Hanako #Billie #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #Esme Birdwhistle #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: So now what do you do?

Thaddeus (khajiit paladin): We put Sybil’s body in the bag of holding.

Hanako (kitsune bard): Along with Esme and Zorah.

DM: Not creepy at all, guys.

#funny #dnd #bodies #bag of holding #Thaddeus #Hanako #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #Sybil Hatman #Esme Birdwhistle #Zorah Knibbs #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Esme Birdwhistle is dead.

Tati (playing Hanako): I love that phrase. It sounds like a song. Hanako’s going to write a song called Esme Birdwhistle Is Dead.

#funny #dnd #bards #boss fight #Hanako #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #Esme Birdwhistle #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Una, with your Perception you can make out none other than Esme Birdwhistle trundling down the road in a covered wagon.

Hanako (kitsune bard): This is as good a place as any, I guess. I play dumb. “Hail, traveller!”

DM: Esme smiles when she recognises you. “What are you doing all the way out here, my friends? I’m on my way to Copse’s Neighbour.”

Hanako: Playing even dumber. “My Lady! How lovely to see you. But I’m afraid Copse’s Neighbour isn’t safe. It was hit by bandits only yesterday.”

DM: Esme smiles lazily. “Bandits? How awful!”

Billie (gnome ardent): She’s so full of shit. “We’ve been sent to help out. You’ll understand we have to search your wagon.”

DM: Oh my god, the balls on this table.

#funny #dnd #playing dumb #bluff #Hanako #Billie #Una #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #NPCs #Esme Birdwhistle #perception #bandits #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

DM: Rarth gives you the letter, which is addressed to Esme. It’s long and banal.

Thaddeus (khajiit paladin): It must be in code-

Rarth: I’ve transcribed it for you.

Hanako (kitsune bard): Ooh, you’re good. I give him a 50-gold bonus.

Rarth: Thanks. It basically says, Be ready. Time frame is three weeks.

Thaddeus: Well. Fuck.

#funny #dnd #uh oh #code #Thaddeus #Hanako #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #NPCs #Rarth #Esme Birdwhistle #gold #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Adam (playing Billie): Wait, what would happen if we put Thaddeus in the bag of holding?

DM: Living creatures suffocate inside a bag of holding, but he doesn’t need to breath now that he’s Undead... *makes face* He’d be fine.

Tati (playing Hanako): He could keep Zora and Esme company.

Adam: Stop them decomposing.

Hamish (playing Thaddeus): How?

Adam: Tell them off.

Hamish: I resist going in the bag of holding.

#funny #dnd #undead #bag of holding #Billie #Tati #Thaddeus #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #ooc #bodies #corpses #Zora Knibbs #Esme Birdwhistle #gross #travelling trauma centre

[we-are-a-dragon]

Hanako (kitsune bard): We didn’t have a choice. We had to kill the birds and get rid of the evidence. Nobody can know Esme and her very distinctive wagon and birds were out here.

Una (genasi artificer): Why? Why couldn’t we have just released them into the wild?

Hanako: They were trained attack hawks. You really think they wouldn’t have returned in a screaming, ominous flock to Shibanah?

Thaddeus (khajiit paladin): She’s right. It was the only reasonable solution.

Una: I don’t see anything reasonable about murdering a wagon full of birds.

Billie (gnome ardent): ...At least they smelled good while they cooked.

#funny #dnd #birds #murder #Hanako #Una #Thaddeus #Billie #Lyra DM #just little d&d things #Esme Birdwhistle #Shibanah #travelling trauma centre