Just wanted to give a blog-style update from my corner of radio silence circa the past month or so. Not that anything prolific has happened (besides the world going to hell in a handbasket,) but I have a lot of feelings to process about…. everything. I’m an Enneagram 4, what can I say?
First- I’m currently not working as my job is one in an “unessential” industry that’s been forced to temporarily close. Which is wholly fine with me! I have a few health conditions that put me at high-risk for COVID-19 complications despite only being 26. I’m more than happy to avoid the public sphere. Maybe it’s all my free time that has me looking toward Tumblr again to fill my brain, LOL.
Second- Two months ago I left a large art-based RP group over on deviantART. While this probably seems like irrelevant info, it’s resulted in a mini-crisis of wondering who I am artistically. My profession is graphic design & illustration. All my hobby art was poured into this RP group. Now without that “prompt,” I’m finding myself unprepared for the freedom I feel as an artist. What do I want to draw? Frozen art? Illustrations from my favorite musicals? Socio-political commentary? I don’t know. My art has stalled. And I’m OKAY with that- I no longer feel guilty about it- but as a creative both professionally & personally, it’s resulted in a tiny identity crisis. (And don’t get me wrong: It’s fine. It’ll sort itself out eventually.)
Now, as for my month-long avoidance of Tumblr:
This is a tricky thing to speak on eloquently because I love Tumblr, I love the Frozen community, and I love Frozen (duh.) There’s not other shoe to drop here. All those things remain true.
Maybe it’s my ADHD that causes poor regulation of my emotional states, or my penchant for fixations, or my depressive tendencies, but I seem to be unable love something in small increments. It’s all-or-nothing.
Frozen is one of those things that triggers such an emotional eruption in me. It brings me so much joy but also so much pain for this same reason. It drains me. It sucks out all my emotional intelligence. I adore Elsa so much that seeing her pop up on my Instagram feed makes my heart hurt. She grips me so tightly that I can’t breathe. If I surrendered to my every Frozen impulse and whim, I’d be largely non-functional.
I don’t read fanfic or participate in AUs for this reason. I can’t listen to the soundtrack as background noise. I can’t watch the movie unless I devote a whole day to thinking about it. I have to limit my daily indulgence in Frozen. Because otherwise it will consume me to the detriment of my real-life responsibilities. It’s like emotional junk food addiction. It leaves me exhausted.
(if you want another example- the day I found out Kate McKinnon existed, I had to take a day off work because life became unbearable knowing she was out there in the world. I instantly loved her so much (in a definitely gay way) that my ability to be productive ground to a halt. That sounds so ridiculous and dramatic and irrational, and I hate that this is a facet of my personality, but regardless: it happens.)
So let me reiterate: this isn’t healthy, poetic, or a sign of real devotion- it’s pretty lousy. It’s akin to codependency with a concept instead of a person.
It’s called emotional dysregulation & it’s a companion to executive dysfunction.
I guess this is the reason why I avoid Tumblr sometimes. While the Frozen fandom is the echo-chamber I want to be in, it’s just not sustainable or healthy for me to spend hours reading & pining & thinking & dreaming & listening to the songs & rewatching every frame of Elsa & speculating on headcanons, etc. It ends up bringing me pain to invest so much emotional energy in the franchise solely by virtue of sucking the life out of me, and so while I do actually love Frozen, I can’t be a hardcore fan who lets it consume my life.
And regardless: I adore the discourse here. You guys help make Elsa mean even MORE to me. I know I’m not the most involved or active person here, but I feel kinship with everyone who writes & creates Frozen-adjacent content.
I’m going to be more active here because I need an outlet for my Frozen ruminations among like-minded people. It’s still my favorite movie and Elsa is still my favorite fictional character of all time. That won’t change.
I realize demonizing the movie & franchise isn’t the answer, nor is just avoiding it at every turn. I guess I’m still learning how to love something softly & healthily. Give it space to mean everything to me without staking my livelihood on it.