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#GLAD TWO OF MY DISCORD SERVERS SENT ME THIS
pedro-pascal · 2 years
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Vanity Fair (June 2022)
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mercurygray · 2 months
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This is a story about internet friends.
At the start of the pandemic, I joined a new discord server. It was full of people who were also all working on Band of Brothers fics at the time, and most of them were a lot younger than me. One of the people in that server was one of TDS' first and biggest cheerleaders, and the source for the character of Hannah.
A couple of months into the project, she messaged me that her parents were making her delete Discord and her AO3 account because they didn't want her sabotaging her studies by spending too much time online. She was gutted by this, but she was starting college in the fall, and trying to get into a military academy, and school was really, really important to her.
Anyway. I've thought about her a lot, over the last three years, because I always hope that life is working out for her.
Today she sent me two reviews on AO3 - she's finally finished reading the whole story. She stayed up until 2 in the morning reading it. And my heart is very, very full for that. She is very much a part of that story's village and I'm so glad she got to get all the way to the end.
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isnt-it-pretty · 9 months
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Wip #2
I could have sworn I made a post about this but I can't find it. Ugh. Maybe I just talked about it in my discord server.
Anyway, this is an AU I'd like to finished, but I'm not sure I ever will. It's an I where Cyno's Vision is stolen as a way to keep him from interfering with the Sages' plan. I'll post some notes at the end.
Prospective summary:
"If you're so concerned about the General Mahamatra getting in your way, take his Vision," Scaramouche said from where he leaned casually against the wall, his arms crossed over his chest. "Just wait a few days and he won't even want to investigate our project."
-
AU where Cyno loses his Vision.
...
They found him on the outskirts of the city, injured and disorientated. 
Cyrus was the first to know, an anxious-looking matra alerting him in the liminal hours between midnight and dawn. Any sleepiness was gone in a heartbeat, replaced by frantic fear. 
It wasn't the first time that Cyno was injured during his tenure as General Mahamatra, but Cyrus loathed it. He wished his son would delegate more, and rely on the others for support instead of rushing off head-first into danger, but it was a futile desire. Cyno would never ask another to do something when he could do it himself-- even if it meant running himself ragged. 
He dressed quickly, uncaring about his haggard appearance. The matra had left after delivering to the news-- likely to alert Kaveh, as per Cyno's specific instructions in case of injury. Cyrus was to be alerted first, followed by Kaveh if he was within the city. Tighnari was only to be contacted in life-or-death situations, or if the other two were unavailable (a rare thing since Cyrus' retirement. He tended to stick around in the city.)
As Cyrus locked the door behind him, he wondered what sort of situation it would be. 
He arrived at the Bimarstan quickly, shivering from the damp cold of the morning. The matra said they found Cyno outside, and Cyrus could only think about how much Cyno hated the cold. 
Taj was already there, pacing the length of the small waiting room. He must have been alerted even quicker than Cyrus-- or perhaps he had never stopped working the evening before. 
"Any news?" Cyrus asked, coming to a stop in front of Taj. 
"None," Taj replied, halting his pacing to face Cyrus. "They won't tell me anything about his condition, and even the details of what happened when he was found are sparse."
"What do you know?"
Taj hesitated. "The Corps of Thirty found him. He was conscious but confused, and couldn't recall what had happened. Otherwise, the preliminary investigation is still ongoing, but so far it appears nobody can account for Cyno's wearables for the last three days."
Three days? And nobody noticed? It wasn't unusual for Cyno to leave Sumeru City without prior notice, but he always sent words to those working closest to him as soon as possible. At least Aarav-- Cyno's second-in-command-- should have known. 
"Do you know what cases he was working on?"
"Aarav is looking into it now."
Cyrus wanted the snap, his nerves frayed with worry, but he could see the worry in Taj's features. Despite the distance between Cyno and Taj in recent years, Cyrus knew they cared for one another. Taj hated the situation just as much as he did. 
It didn't take long before they were allowed to see Cyno. As his father, Cyrus was allowed access to his medical information-- the only other who could do so was Tighnari-- and it meant he had the authority to allow visitors on Cyno's behalf. 
Several matra already stood guard outside the door. They were familiar to Cyrus from times when he dropped by Cyno's office, but Taj greeted them each by name. Cyrus was glad of it-- he knew the loyalty the matra had for Cyno. They would protect him if he couldn't do it himself. 
The hospital room was small with only a small window. Cyrus would see the sky lightening with pre-dawn, the morning sun coming to chase away his anxiety. 
Cyno was asleep in the bed, his arms laid carefully at his sides and an IV snaking away from his wrist. There were no broken bones and minimal bandages, although deep bruising covered patches of his exposed skin. His wrists and arms were ringed in them, the skin chafed by rope burn where he must have been bound. Half of his face was swollen. It made anger rise in Cyrus' chest. 
A doctor leaned over Cyno when they entered, checking his vitals. He didn't recognize her and Cyrus quietly called up her accreditations in the Akasha. Despite no longer being officially affiliated with the Akademiya, Cyrus was still granted access to more information than the majority of citizens. 
Dr. Harita was the top of her class and had several years of experience in emergency care at the Bimarstan. Her last published paper was eight months ago-- a study on the efficacy of estimated pain scales in nonverbal patients. Interesting, but not Cyrus' area of study. He still found it comforting to know somebody so well-regarded was looking after Cyno. 
"You must be Cyrus," she said after introducing herself, shaking his hand. "Thank you for coming so quickly."
"How is he?" he replied as glanced at Cyno. 
"Not bad, all things considered," Dr. Harita replied. "Dehydration and multiple contusions across his body-- likely a mild concussion as well, given the bruising on his face. Most are a couple of days old by now, which lines up with the timelines we were given. They're likely defensive wounds. He was disorientated when we found him, although it's difficult to tell if that was from some sort of drug in his system, or something else. We won't know for sure until we get his blood work back. For now, he's been mildly sedated to keep him calm during treatment. He should wake up soon."
Cyno wasn't easy to take in a fight. By virtue of his Vision and Hermanubis' spirit, he could easily overtake large groups of people. The fact that the assailants managed to grab him-- and perhaps more damningly, keep him for a time-- drastically changed the perpetrators' presumed skillset. This group wasn't made up of amateurs. A glance at Taj seemed to confirm that they shared the same thought. 
Speaking of- Cyrus glanced at the bedside table, searching for a familiar shade of purple. Like most Vision wielders, Cyno was particular about who touched it, and Cyrus always kept it on his person when Cyno was injured. There was no sign of it. 
"Where's his Vision?" he asked Dr. Harita. 
She froze, looking up from Cyno's chart with a concerned expression. 
"His Vision," she slowly repeated. "He didn't arrive with a Vision."
The ensuing silence was fraught with tension. 
"Taj-" Cyrus started, but Taj was already halfway to the door. 
"Stay with him," Taj said, his voice short. He disappeared from view a moment later. 
...
They couldn't find it. Taj and several other matra had combed the area where Cyno was found, but there was nothing.
Cyrus sat at Cyno's bedside, clutching Cyno's hand and fidgeting in uncharacteristic restlessness. Dr. Harita expected Cyno to wake up soon, which left them in a difficult position. 
Research into the effects of losing a Vision was lacking after it was deemed to be a violation of one of the six cardinal sins. Occasionally, a researcher received special permission to write a paper on the topic about an individual they treated, but even those were few are far between. The truth was simply that Vision wielders were rare, land losing a Vision was even more so. 
The best they had to go on were baseless rumours that made it out of Inazuma after the birth of the Vision Hunt Decree-- horror stories of people who lost a fundamental part of themselves and were unable to go on-- but news had a difficult time escaping the nation's isolationist borders. 
Spantamad had the most Driyosh of any Darshan by virtue of its study of leylines, so if the worst came to pass, Cyrus could attempt to reach out for any information on the topic. At least some of them must have studied in Inazuma recently. He hoped it wouldn't be needed, that Taj would find the Vision, but when had Cyno ever been lucky?
...
The moment Cyno woke, Cyrus knew his fears had been well founded. 
Cyno stared up at the ceiling, unseeing.
- to be continued? -
...
Notes:
Apparently I don't have much written down for this (must be in my DMs with friends) but it was going to get back. Cyno's reaction was inspired by Heizou's in the fic Missing Pieces by StrangeDiamond, in which Heizou loses his Vision.
Cyno was going to be listless and ends up moving back in with Cyrus. Basically the only people who can get his attention are Cyrus and Kaveh-- people he was very close with before he lost his Vision. Taj can sometimes, but even though they were close, Taj is too related to Cyno's Vision.
He doesn't recognize Tighnari at all. Okay, well, he does, but he doesn't really care. Tighnari isn't important to him, neither is Collei. It breaks Tighnari's heart.
When Lumine arrives in Sumeru and Tighnari finds out that she's the Traveller and has been in Inazuma, he asks her if she can help Cyno. In exchange, she can ask Cyrus about Lesser Lord Kusanali. She meets Cyno, but she can't help. Cyrus can't tell her much aboutnthe archon.
Tighnari gets dragged into the Archon Quest in Cyno's place, suspecting that Cyno's stolen Vision relates to Naphis' odd behaviour.
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Hi, this is the system who sent the past linked to that post, my gosh thank you so much for your kind words to us and answering us. It honestly calmed us down quite a bit. Also thank you for your education on the term HC-DID and so sorry we used it in that ask, we were very disassociated and upset and we use to use that term before finding out more about the background of it. Thank you so very much for your reassurance because that post really shook us up. Weve been wanting to joint your discord server for a few days now but struggle to feel valid enough to take up space and identifying as a survivor is hard for us honestly. Weve never ever openly talked about or even acknowledge what weve been threw and even then often many of us feel it was deserved or inevitable or just simply that we were "made for it after all" and so it somehow feels like were not allowed to be in victim spaced berceuse were often dont feel like a victim. Thats why that post shook us so bad, our mind latched onto the idea that maybe it just didnt happen at all and we kinda spiraled. Hopefully we get the guts to join soon tho berceuse it dose seem like the exact support and community weve been looking for for years honestly and are in need of, thank you so much.
You are more than welcome, it is very understandable to spiral about conspiracies, trust me, I doubt that there is a survivor out there who hasn't had the same issue. You are valid for feeling uncertain about your own trauma, especially when it feels like everyone is telling you that what you remember, what pain you feel, isn't real. I can assure you that what you remember, despite it being awful, is real, and the pain you feel from it is valid. Something to cope with that feeling is the idea of..
.. even if your memories turn out to be fake, which is highly unlike, that pain, hurt, sorrow, sadness, guilt, anxiety, fear, and any other emotion, is still valid. If, at the end of the day, its not real, you are allowed to feel that pain, you are allowed to be upset, because despite that memory not being real, the feelings are so real.
Don't let some stranger on the internet tell you what you are allowed to and not allowed to feel. Pain is pain. A quick not about HC, its no problem that you used that term, I am glad that you understand the negative connotations attached.
You are more than welcome to join our discord server when you are ready. There is no rush, take all the time in the world. For now, if you have any questions at all, you can use our asks and we will always attempt to give you the best response we can.
We are a place that allows you to feel less alone, and we sure as hell aren't going anywhere. You are allowed to join when you are ready. It is terrifying to actually work through the stages of grief when you realise that you are a survivor, it is horrible. You are a valid survivor, no matter what you went through, what matters is that you're still here with us, and that is incredible as is. What happened, happened, it is not your fault, it was not of your choosing, but you are no less of a survivor than I, or the next person. You had no choice, you survived, that is what matters. You are allowed to take up space, you deserve a seat at the table just as much as I do.
I want you to know, that right now things may not be okay, and thats okay. It is okay for things to not be okay. Things will eventually be okay. Maybe not tomorrow, or the next day after, or in a week or two, maybe not even in a month, or maybe not even in a year, but I know that things will eventually be okay.
You are doing incredibly well, let things take time, you are not alone, never, not at all. If you need anything, we are here, we always will be.
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damnfandomproblems · 11 months
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Below the cut is all of the responses that were in the inbox related to Fandom Problem 3954 and the subsequent asks. These will be all of the ones that were sent as anonymous.
The following ask came in on April 19:
I just want to say I appreciate the DID asks on this blog. It was a nice sanity check for me. One of my friend's kids who is in high school got sucked into it, he started "switching" at 17, and she's getting him to go to therapy to find the source of the problem, but he's apparently really argumentative with the psychologist and keeps insisting he only has DID, for very wrong reasons. Symptoms that don't match any kind of DID I've seen. His mum was really careful to find someone who was familiar with DID, I know she wouldn't send him to someone who doesn't know what they're doing because shes amazingly good with google-fu, so it can't be because the psychologist doesn't know what DID is or how to spot it. For a while the whole thing made me feel a bit crazy because his obviously fake symptoms and onset (?) didn't match how adamant he was that he had DID, I was starting to believe him too. I want to thank the asks for resetting my perspective. He certainly needs help it just isn't going to be help for DID.
Here are the ones from April 17 and they are out of order because of how I added them from the inbox:
1:
I'm in college and know multiple people who are barely even minors anymore who just started faking tourette's out of the blue. One day they just showed up and started doing tics. Obviously fake tics for that reason, also because it's obvious they have a brief "wind up" period before them when they look like they're contemplating just how to pull off tics. They're all neck tics and arm tics too, nothing is ugly or painful. So I can confirm a lot more people are faking these things than people think. Dhar Mann even made a good skit about it because it's such a popular thing for kids (even college age adults who have trouble making connections and getting attention) to do
2:
Oh god this is syscourse
It shows up on my dash once in a blue moon and I never have any idea that the fuck people are taking about. All I know is it has two sides who both despise each other and years of grudges
3:
just wanna say that i'm glad most people here seem to have sensible takes regarding the "DID" boom online
4:
As someone who knows someone who uses a system and has DID, the anon that said they were not responsible for making someone feel safe in the discord server is awful.
That anon makes my blood boil because it literally happened to my friend who has a system. My friend's fictive is part of who they are, and it is them. They have the right to feel uncomfortable when people do strange things with the character the fictive is.
In my friend's case, they had been in that server before the rper had joined. But the server mods decided to take my friend's "character rights" away since they said "technically you aren't rping as the character, so someone else can have them." Would you all agree with the mods in this case?
Y'all saying people with systems who are uncomfortable with how people portray characters that are their fictives should just accept it do not get it.
Would you be okay with someone portraying a real life person in a different way?
Would you be okay with people rping as real people?
If the answer is no to both of these, then y'all should understand why people with fictives feel uncomfortable with people portraying their ficitives in such ways.
5:
Replying to a comment on 714814266546470912: "that doctor literally took videos from their tiktoks without permission" Bruh, first off, someone does not need permission to share something that was posted publicly on a public website. Once you post something to the internet, it's fair game. This is why adults tell you to never put something online unless you want it to be there forever, because once it's up, it's up for good, and people can save it, share it, edit it, however they want. If someone has posted selfies on the internet, someone has probably saved them, for whatever reason, because they thought the pictures were cute, because they're collecting dirt on them, etc, and even if that's not the case, the data will always be there. Maybe it's not pristine ethics to share videos of minors, young adults, etc with mental disorders (not DID, obviously they have something else like factitious disorder), but it's not illegal at all. And if you actually watched the video (which I doubt), you would know the doctor, faculty, etc had covered all legal bases by repeatedly saying they cannot diagnose anyone over the internet or thought videos. Repeatedly. And they were strictly looking at the behaviors which they see regularly in people who fake, behaviors which are a strong indication (but, again for legal reasons, not a guarantee) someone is faking. They said this. You really need to brush up on your knowledge of laws, most of all in medicine, research, studies, etc and actually using nuanced thinking.
6:
Sorry to add to the fire but in my fandom I see LOTS of "traumagenic systems" (DID) who also claim to "support endos". That raises so many red flags too because if someone really did have DID and was well educated on it as a result, they would know how DID really works and they wouldn't in a hundred years support people who are pretending to have something with totally wrong, obvious fake symptoms and consider them "part of the community". I guess it makes it easy to know who to block though?
7:
I want to thank the person who sent 714815628520898560 for sharing that video, I watched it this morning during my shift and it was really insightful!! I learned a lot :)
8:
I’m thinking about Roman genius and Juno spirits, and also of the post made by EarlGrayTay about how the English language struggles with nuance, when it comes to degrees of intensity.
We don’t have a word for something between having some tulpas and having DID, and so people are saying they have the latter even when they don’t clinically qualify. I do think that in most cases people who self diagnose with DID are more likely to be closer to the tulpa end than the disordered end.
Also, as memory stuff is part of it, it’s entirely possible that the apparent excess of people with DID in fandom is because the nature of the internet allows for pseudo-sockpuppeting, with multiple personalities creating different accounts, potentially unaware of what the others, as memory is a big part of the diagnosis
9:
714820580417863680 2% of the world's population as of 2020 is 156 million people.
Say that again, slowly.
156 million people do not have DID.
10:
These asks are wild lol. My thoughts are, fine, maybe "endogenic systems" exist in the context of not being actual DID, but if someone really thinks they can have multiple identities or parts without having trauma to predicate that, well, I hate to say but that's basically a religious belief at that point, and not even remotely related to a medical disorder. The human brain usually has one continuous, cohesive identity. Unless, like someone already mentioned, you experience harrowing trauma in your early childhood. You can call yourself a tulpa, you can call yourself endogenic, you can believe you have fifty fictional introjects, five different Resident Evil characters living in your head, but that doesn't make it science. If you want endogenic systems to exist, call it what it is: a religion. And stop trying to bully and force your way into getting medicine to accept these ridiculous things, because it will never happen
11:
Got diagnosed with did in my 20s. Here’s a thing most of the issues I’ve had with the online system community in general. Also this phone im typing on doesn’t show text cause tumblr so ye spelling mistakes a plenty.
1: the whole community regardless of endo or traumagenic is kinds crap. Came to it for resources on how to manage things like persecutors and understand wtf was up. Covid was a wild time. Therapist officially diagnosed me in 21. Why is this important, cause the whole ass community hted endos or trauma or whatever and all unanimously hated tiktok
2: the whole fictive debate became even more dumb when there were 50 different i ndividaula claiming to be a fictive from genshin. Really weird. Cause the peeps in multiple communities threw a fit making those name close cultures. Personally i think it was due to so many fictives or some blue haired guy?
3: the fact people treated it like fictionkin something i thought i had because yknow issues with dissociation well the fictives got treated more like kinning
4: the biggest thing is the community allowed delusional attachments to become such a common place thing. I get it identity be fucky but its an issue when delusional attachment’s cone into play. Mainly cause most if not all system communities used carrds and tiktok as resources.
5 or 6? Cause phone be fucky: despite claiming to hate endos the community was nothyper critical to self dxing without reseach and minors self dxing. There’s a lotta reasons why it normally os pouring gasoline on a fire.
Finally most system communities are primarily white and it shows cause of how much they prioritize racial relations and closed cultures along with treating introjects like shit.
So the submission about bein a fictive whos tired of people treating em like they’re gonna be identical as the character iscorrect. Rampant problem
12:
Re: all this DID stuff and certain people digging in in the comments to defend what they're doing, I think it's interesting to contemplate not just why people do this for DID delusions, but also for fandom things in general because I think it applies to both (and to keep things a little more on topic, ha). I read a comment recently where someone was talking about personal truths, which are subjective feelings and beliefs, and social truths, which are laws and social constructs. When someone loves themselves and has confidence, they're able to maintain personal truths that may differ from other people without feeling threatened, and they can maintain those personal truths or values. This is what happens when someone has strong feelings about characters, or identifies with a character, but is able to witness people sharing opinions without going to war over them.
On the other hand, people who have insecurities and a lack of self confidence (or worth) will fight to make personal truths into social truths, to make up for that self loathing. They feel they can force society to accept their personal truths to make them feel comfortable, because they can't derive any actual comfort from simply existing with their personal truths that differ so much from social truths. This is what happens when you have, like a lot of confessions lately have mentioned, people bullying others over headcanons, calling them bigots for not sharing a gay ship or something. Or when people have low self-esteem and might be struggling with mental health problems, and are trying desperately to find answers and find self-worth, but have accidentally opted for something that is not a social truth, but a personal truth (believing they have DID when it is very obviously not), and so they fight tooth and nail to make that warped version of DID into something officially recognized. That is the only way they can get validation beyond their bubble. I think it's a growing problem not only because it seems like the world is kinda imploding right now and people need some kind of stability, when personal truths may not suffice for that because of the above issues with self-confidence or insecurities, but also because we've reached the point where kids are growing up without ever NOT having known social media, and they have near-constant access to that social media, which makes for an increasingly bad precedent. Not just for kids, adults with underdeveloped coping strategies are susceptible too.
13:
I'm pleasantly surpirsed by the convo around DID here, because I read the post and was half expecting a horde of endogenic or willowgenic or (word)genic systems to come stampeding in here calling everyone ableists lol, I'm kinda relieved there hasn't been a bunch of that
14:
Honestly laughing at how a word like sysmed exists. Are people "sadmeds" or "anhemeds" for telling someone they're faking depression? Are people "schizomeds" for saying people are faking schizophrenia? This is absurd and it's ao fricking offensive to compare the above to being a transmedicalist.
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kindofblue28 · 9 months
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A Rant On Some Adventure Games I Played This Year
  You know, next to Twitter, I’m glad that tumblr actually lets me rant in a long-form about what I’ve played this year. There’s a lot I played that was amazing, some I didn’t finish, but this has definitely been the year for adventure games for me. I wanted to talk and highlight some of the experiences I found particularily interesting, interesting can be good or bad. I’ll get into it.
GADGET: PAST AS FUTURE
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Out of all the adventure games here I’m going to reccomend you all to play, I think this one might be the one I can most easily reccomend. It doesn’t really have puzzles and is more like a two hour multimedia experience. I found the atmosphere of the story itself suffocating and stressful despite it pretty much being a “train simulator”. It reminded me a lot of David Lynch’s work and gave me that same kind of vibe I got watching Lost Highway, my mouth was agape in shock from just... how this game made me feel? It’s not mindblowing, but it sure is a confusing trip, and leaves the player with a lot to digest if they don’t pick up the accompanying materials like the artbook and the novel it has. 
9/10.
Easily playable on modern systems thanks to Zomb’s Lair, download here:
https://archive.org/details/GadgetCollection-ZombsLair
TEARS OF BETRAYAL
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This game is a confusing one. I found it with some friends over at the Point and Click discord server (if you’re reading this, you guys rule) and I was one of the few who ended up playing it. It’s no longer obtainable by any legal means nowadays, as the site is dead and stuff. They set it up about being a mystery of this guy finding out what happened to his dead wife, but this game is more comedic than scary, but has these moments that can actually be kind of “WHAT?!” at times. I love the vibes it has, the town they live in just feels seedy and... weird? It’s got its charm, basically every character model is a recolor and they made only two models, and it has this INSANE command menu you can click or type to use. If you can make it through it, you’ll find an interesting and unique experience that makes it stand out among other adventure titles.
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I wasn’t able to finish it due to a bug, plus the fact the game is surprisingly punishing at times, letting you game over or the only reliable way of getting cash being RNG based, but... Man, this was a charming experience.
Do I Reccomend? No, if you’re new to the genre. Maybe if you’re fine going in with a weird experience.
Download: https://archive.org/details/tears-of-betrayal
FAUST: SEVEN GAMES OF THE SOUL / FAUST: A GAME OF SOULS
If you’ve been following my socials for some time, you’ll know I love this game to death. It’s an experience that I think about almost daily and one that has had an impact on my life in ways I never expected an adventure game ever would. This was published by Cryo Interactive and developed by Arxel Tribe, and is a unique adaptation of the Faust legend without it being too much like the original. What I’m saying is that is has its own place in the land of Faust adaptations, not too derivative. You are Marcellus Faust, an amnesiac man sent to decide the fate of Dreamland, a dilapidated amusement park stuck in the 1930s. There’s a lot more to it, as you get to know and learn about the residents of the park and what led to how it is now. This game is really deep and focuses on a lot of moral dilemmas and flawed characters- how one action can lead to another action and so fourth. It’s hard to talk about this game without spoiling it, but I say play it- it’s a confusing game and one you likely won’t understand at first but one that touched my heart. If you can stomach the graphics and some occasional bad gameplay, you’re in for a treat and what I’d call one of the best adventure games of all time.
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Do I reccomend it: Absolutely.
Download: 
https://archive.org/details/Faust-ZombsLair
Game Patch:
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/12il0SITMfIBKGw0SStSRF7TrGeUZjTqa?usp=share_link
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lil-scout-precure · 4 months
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Junior Eurovision 2023 detailed opinions before the show. Part 3
After two parts of my Junior Eurovision 2023 personal opinions before the show, it was time for the third one. We already covered the fifth, fourth and third tiers of my list, from the decent songs to my personal tear-jerkers. And now, with the reveal of the running order this day, and 8 songs to talk about, it's time for the second tier, where my almost-winner alert songs are. And by little differences with the winner ones.
The tier-list for reference, again!
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Tier 2: "I will kill OsterdahlEBU if they mess with the staging or the running order (or place the lower spots)/hj"
🇲🇹 Yulan Law "Stronger"
Malta is one of those countries that can make Junior Eurovision a real party. Two victories, one of them also slaying in the adult Eurovision (Destiny, in JESC 2015 and ESC 2021), and with most entries being bangers. After the robbery Gaia Gambuzza got in Yerevan at 2022 (and this year in adult Eurovision, Switzerland's 2nd Gjon's Tears copycat getting the final qualifier and not the happy lads from The Busker...), I was expecting a MIRACLE for them to have some justice this year. And it came in the shape of "Stronger"
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Yulan's voice, my gosh, serving in higher levels than I ever expected for a ballad, and after hearing some of them before this song got revealed, I'm glad to put her in this tier! Her lyrics are so charming alongside her vocals, and the music itself elevates the entire song to a higher level of the previous ballads I covered. The setting of the clip, while not my favorite, it's so calm and inspiring as the entry itself. And you tell me this song was composed by some Swedish writers? No wonder it slays a lot.
I have no ideas about how would be her perfect staging for the live show, but if it can convey the same feelings of the entire song, maybe it can be a well-done Top placer, even if performing second!
🇲🇰 Tamara Grujeska "Kaži Mi, Kaži Mi Koj"
For North Macedonia, I was accepting anything at the point the song was revealed. They like to vary in their JESC song styles, from 2021's bop about saving the planet to protect it as our only home, to 2022's definition of, citing one of my close mutuals, "Shut TF off, I'm not your girlfriend!" (and fun fact I discovered recently thanks to Misja Eurowizja, the same writer of that song was also the composer of Hurricane's "Loco Loco" (Serbia 2021, Eurovision). A lively "the same voice" meme incarnation XDXD). But the song they sent for JESC 2023 is something amazing, something I've never expected
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For a soft ballad-pop, it has some charm itself! The use of the ethnical instruments gives it more originality about the country itself, and it sounds so good with the melody. Even if not understanding the lyrics at first (without English translation, of course), Tamara's voice makes them so hypnotic and mesmerizing, one thing I LOVE of this song more than other ballads! And as for the video, they took the "smoke firework" theme from the slogan (and the "Heroes" theme) seriously to the point of incorporating it in the choreo.
The staging of this one can be (or not) linked to the studio video's scenario, but whichever idea it is, it has to be something enough to not ruin this song's feelings!
🇺🇦 Anastasia Dymyd "Kvitka"
I'm sorry for those of the ESC Discord server who have to watch me put this song in the higher places instead of lower ones. Yes, I understand there were better options in the Junior Vidbir like Polina Babiy's "Universe" or Denis Hryshchuk's "Dance", but somehow this song grew on me a lot after some listens. And after Zlata Dziunka's heart-breaking (and no joking about my feelings of that song T-T) yet beautiful song "Nezlamna" last year, I kinda felt a soft breeze of hope with this entry.
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Sure, I agree with them it becomes kinda repetitive with the "Kvitka" verse playing constantly in the chorus, but the feeling is what counts here! Anastasia's sweet and kind voice, alongside the "Find yourself in this world, and stop this tragedy" verse, highlight this hopeful feeling I got in the song. And as the song says, one day something can blossom from the rubbles of chaos and give a future. I never thought I would become attached to a JESC entry so much(well, and the next one I will cover), even if not being my winner alert!
Knowing she performs third, after Yulan Law and Sandra Valero, while the Vidbir staging makes the song get more cheerful than it is already, they need to make it bigger and more beautiful for Nice's stage if they want Anastasia to not place low, shine among the other kids and get some good televote, because she deserves it a lot!
🇩🇪 Fia "Ohne Worte"
Germany had it difficult both in the adult and the Junior versions of Eurovision. If it's not Jendrik Sigwart, Malik Harris or fricking Lord of the Lost getting the last places in their editions (unfairly in the last case), zero points or not, it's their two Junior singers at 2020 and 2021, Susan and Pauline, starting the show and getting the lowest (if not last) places too. And when I heard they would try again this year after a rest in 2022, I knew I had to follow the selections to see who would be their hope.
For the five kids that showed in the selections, there were three I expected to get the place: Adriano with a good moving song "Be My Girl", Rahel with a Sara James-like melody "Believe", and of course, the song that won over them (and my heart) and now is the German representant for Nice: Fia with "Ohne Worte" (without words)
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First, I gotta admit it, I'm BIASED with this song since the demo version (and as the first JESC 2023 song in progress), and there are some teeny weeny differences that place it not in my winner alert list. But it's for some good reasons!
I was surprised she decided to use sign language for her entry, and I wondered exactly why she did it. And after knowing the context and some of her before-JESC performances in The Voice using the same technique, she caught my heart.
Those performances, and the JESC song itself are for (and about) her little sister Emilia, the person that inspired Fia to do this special detail never seen in a Junior song, and something that makes this entry so relatable. If the demo version was alerting me with speakers I would get emotional over the entire song, it became true after the video (and full studio version) reveal (once again in the middle of work). And the final verses of the "without words" in multiple languages, that part made me love this song more than I already did, alongside the more-than-just-sweet videoclip :'3
The tier title was especially created for this one song, considering the past editions Germany had to struggle in Junior and adult Eurovision. And while at least they FINALLY have a decent running order slot, I'm still waiting for the staging to make this song more justice than it has already. There are rumours about a dance-break section for the live version and I hope, REALLY, REALLY HOPE, that it makes Fia get a Top 3 placement as she deserves it, and maybe WIN THE CONTEST (even above the next 4 songs I consider winners). I know, it's biased, but now you know why. But the thing I WOULD DREAD from all scenarios is that, even with the best made, somehow Germany gets last or lower places. That would break me a lot if that ever happens and I will get Osterdahl's head ;m;
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Well, that's 12 songs covered now in my ranking! Wait to the final part, the 4 songs that became my winners! See ya!
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afreakingdork · 1 year
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Ok, so I had a lot of catching up to do! Don’t ask me how I did it because I myself don’t even know, but I missed chapter 19.😭 anyways, I just finished chapter 20, and I must say the only reaction is HDNJDNDJDJJISJS! IT’S PERFECT! GOD, I’M SO IN LOVE WITH YOUR WRITING! YOU’RE AN AMAZING HUMAN!
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I’m sad to see it’s ending in two chapters, but I can’t thank you enough for the story! Not to get too personal, but crush too much started right as I was beginning therapy, and I had some impeccable luck to stumble across it a few days after you posted the first chapter! Your writing has helped me through some hard times, and has brought hundreds of smiles to my face! After it ends I can’t wait to see what else you have in store, and I’ll continue to stick around!
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Also did I spy something about a Tactical! Donnie part 2, or has college finally managed to kill my last braincell and I’m the process of losing my mind? 👀👀👀👀
But on another note! I think maybe we should make a discord server with all the people who sent in asks! Even with people who didn’t! who just wanna be apart of it! It’s been fun reading everyone’s thoughts, and seeing everyone banter with each other! I would hate to lose that!
Now enough with my ranting! Hope you’re having a good night, dork! Take some time for yourself, and make sure you are taking great care of yourself! You deserve all the love the world has to offer! Much love! ❤️🥰 -❄️
Flake, D-did you make a meme of me? LIKE A MEME OF/FOR ME!?!?!?! i'M SCREAMING!? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!? WHAT A FIRST!! I am TRULY HONORED!!
AND THEN YOU FOLLOW UP THIS GREAT HONOR WITH YOUR INCREDIBLE STORY!!?!!? Come on now!! I was already crying and now I'm sobbing!!! I can't believe I helped you! I'm so glad to have even done an iota of anything that could bring you joy!
TRIPLE WHAMMY YOU'RE COMFORTING ME ABOUT MY WORRIES OF PEOPLE LEAVING?! Y'ALL GOTTA STOP BEING SO NICE TO ME! i CAN'T BELIEVE I DESERVE IT!!! I FEEL BAD!!! IMPOSTER SYNDROME FOR TEN LIFETIMES!!!
All that aside, saying 'thank you' doesn't feel like near enough for all that you've given me in this single ask. You are the incredible, wonderful person. That is without question.
You did indeed spy correctly! Dork's Tactical Donnie 2: Electric Boogaloo (yes I've made this joke before) is half written, but I really want to get it out asap. I'm so close✊
A discord server? I mean I'm game, but I am truly tragic when it comes to operating discord. Would anyone else like that? I was asking about a Rise discord a while back, but no one seemed to know of one?
You have a wonderful night as well! I'm surely drowning in love so I can't imagine asking for more! Have the very best for yourself!
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inviouswriting · 11 months
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Hello Invi!
I am a fan of your works and I do enjoy reading them and keep up, I actually watch your streams whenever I can! I believe I come and stay all stream at least half time I am a medic student and you understand how busy it can be!
I am big supporter and Hopefully when I graduate next year I will Be able to tend your whole stream and can interact in chat I personally Avoid creating any accounts now so I focus on my studies, reading your work’s really makes me happy And I do not regret spending my free time reading your works! ( I am a ghost and I apologize for that :( I don’t want to create any more distractions for sake of my study)
You consider who have triggers and traumatized individuals as you have experienced, I do in fact had such but glad I left it at first signs so I avoided early before any big damage and family helped me thankfully! But still there fear lingering but I am overcoming it ^^~
Also I noticed in your latest works they became more bold and honestly exciting! ( I personally enjoy free writings of yours ( true only few 2-4 but still good ones ) my favorite is pheonix simple yet powerful )
I do have suggestion based on last fics and I hope it spark something for you haha~
I will sent in another ask since I don’t want to make it longer and this is a heart ask!
___
I understand you don’t accept requests and I personally would love to commission you in future, hopefully when I graduate I hope by the time you are still into Obey me franchise haha~
and…I wish in future streams consider play hogwarts legacy? I want to watch you play it I didn’t watch anyone playing it because I hoped you play it hehe~
Thank you for reading my ask and wish my words made your day and the best for you!
Love,
Marie
I've read both of your submissions here, and holy, these are the kinds of comments and words that keeps me writing. I do take suggestions and requests btw~ but I operate on a "if it sparks a story, it sparks, but also don't get disappointed if I never get to it" basis since when I do write... it's alot. I often start thinking of writing a week leading up to those really long ones. I start to visualize what I want to write and just gotta set time from the games I play and friends to devote to this hobby of mine. It means alot that my original writings are also being read and are giving people more than just my one-shots and drabbles. Phoenix was written out of a spot in my heart from pain from everything I've overcome, so hearing someone likes that one personally just sends me to a whole other level.
My free writes, the small prose/poems that I do toss out there, are kind of a placement for producing something so I don't get rusty in my writing, and also to break from what I normally do. I am also happy you catch my streams, as chaotic my timing can be in them. I spend alot of time in a friend's discord server, and am slowly getting mine more active.
I try to consider people who have been through alot in my stories. There are almost too many triggering stories with not enough warnings posted, or just one side of some of the characters. Alot being portrayed as this dominant and "master" element. (I love my fellow writers who write beautifully btw!) But sometimes when you read the same personality over and over. It gets boring, and you're like.. "okay.. I have an ability to create, what can I do for people who may not like this stuff?" You create the missing content.
I love my Obey Me's Angel. Kindness so up there I can't help loving that one. I have two commissioned pieces of that angel I absolutely adore. (one of a very pointed self-insert, and sheep version) Just Simeon~
But when it comes to like Genshin... (I'm pretty focused on the main one I love. I just love our Geo Archon so much!!! Really wish I can get more stuff drawn with him.) I love the way he's written by quite a few, but there is almost a major missing element of consent. I've read so many times where he's gone into these feral frenzies and is intense rough to the point it has triggered me on some writings.
So I try my best to write him with love, and remember he would be the gentelman of many dreams. He'd treat his beloved with the upmost respect, (I've also got something in the works of a longer based story soon. I think alot of people will enjoy it.) This is someone who gave up his gnosis for his land. He's entirely selfless and it hurts my heart when people take that part of him away.
I'm actually considering what you sent me btw! It sounds like a fun write. Thank you so much for sending me your thoughts and trusting me with an idea.
To everyone who has sent me ideas. I do get them. I've just been very lethargic lately in terms of creating, stuck between needing to stream, and also stuck with needing to make money. x.x
I write when I feel the want to do so. I still try hard not to want to do commissions since writing is my most freeing hobby I possess and turning it into a job would hurt me.
Thank you alot!
Invi
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scandalsavagefanfic · 2 years
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If you don't mind me asking, how often do you get negative interactions/comments on your work? I write both platonic and romantic/smutty batfam content (some inspired by your always awesome stuff) and want to post it but I really don't want to deal with lashback and kids calling me a freak...
Awww! You just made my day anon! I'm so glad you like my fics and I'm super excited that something I've done has inspired you! That is always such an incredible thing to hear 💖💖💖
So I honestly get very little negativity (and even less since I've taken a step back from tumblr). But I've never really gotten a lot.
There was a memorable period of a few months a couple years ago where this odd little group of antis made a fuss all over the place about the weirdest stuff. Like, even at the height of it none of them actually resorted to calling me pedo or anything. They were rude as shit but they could have been worse. They mostly just wanted to argue that their extremely fave-character-centric takes were the gospel truth. Which is kinda par for the course on tumblr and why I just stay off character tags and stick to my mutuals on the rare occasion I'm on tumblr.
Not that I haven't received the occasional comment like that. But it is pretty rare.
The negative comments I recieve most are usually of the shipping variety. Like, "[character] would never top!" kinda stuff. Or sometimes (since I'm a rare pair fiend) "these two would never be together" and "this would have been better with [different character]".
Also occasionally get the "this is just an excuse to write about [dark trope du jour]" (like I need an excuse lol).
But like I said, all of these are pretty rare really. I go months without garbage comments like that. And I don't really remember the last time someone sent me hate here.
That said, this is of course up to you - you're the one most familiar with your boundaries - but I find it pretty easy to laugh 99% of this stuff off. I'm pretty comfortable in the knowledge that I have the moral high ground (and the stronger grasp on reality) over someone who would send me nasty messages or call me nasty names.
So I'd like to encourage you to not let a handful of idiots stop you from doing something you want to do. You can keep your ask box closed on tumblr, turn off comments on ao3 or moderate them so that they have to be approved, you can set your fics so that only people logged in to their ao3 account can read your works. Hell, you can even post your work to the Anonymous collection which will keep your username hidden.
Ultimately this is a judgment call for you though. If you write a bunch of dark stuff, you'll inevitably get a few asshole comments. Probably way less than you'd expect. There is also a spectacular community that you can rely on for support on the rare occasion someone oversteps (I highly recommend joining discord servers that interest you if you're not already a part of some).
I hope this was helpful. I tried to be thorough but honestly, the truly nasty comments are extremely rare. Most of what you'll get is ship war nonsense. Which, for me anyway, is always good for a laugh.
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broomsticks · 2 years
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2, 6, 20, 38 please <3 <3
(Also that’s a such a good ask meme!)
from this fic writer ask game!
ooooo love these q’s — and YES it is isn’t it! certainly tempted me and i never do these, hahaha
2. How do you spend your time when it comes to fanfiction? Are you primarily a fic reader, writer, or a perfect 50/50 split of both?
overwhelmingly reading! even with a veeerryyy generous definition of writing (thinking about writing, listening to music and doing all the self care things trying to find the courage to face my own writing LMAO) it’s 90% reading! although of that it’s about half beta-reading or reading-with-intention-to-comment, which for me is about halfway between writing & zero-obligation pleasure reading in terms of spoonsiness haha
6. How do you find new fic to read? Where do you primarily read fanfiction?
my tbr. my tbr is disastrous. there’s enough there to last me at least the rest of the year and it’s still growinggggg. discord servers, fest AO3 collections (i try to keep up on tumblr but inevitably fall behind), tumblr reccers! shoutouts to @billsfangearring @tahtahfornow @wolfstarhaven for their wolfstar recs, and for others @thebooktopus & @hpsaffics. 
AO3 exclusively — well, AO3 and tumblr if that counts! i have two (2) fics from FFN and one from LJ i’ve cross-bookmarked on AO3 and that’s IT
20. What’s your favorite part about the fanfiction writing process?
i loveeeee the ideation stage. ngl it DOES make me wish for a writing genie to magic ideas into fully written existence, but i’ve Accepted that as much as i’ve Accepted there’ll never be enough time to read all the fic i want, so if they never make it out of the ideas phase that’s Fine and i’m Glad i got that at least!
38. What does your writing process look like? How chaotic is it on a scale of 1 (very tame) to 10 (you can’t handle this kind of chaos)?
elaborating on this previous answer a little: the writing process for my rl fest fic was really different than anything i’ve done before or since (which is generally going outline—draft—minor edits—post). the first actually-semi-intended-as-fully-written i had no freakin idea what i was doing draft i sent LP was a 5k third person omniscient present tense fic, hahaha, to give you a sense of how much it was basically rewritten! (if you told me it’d end up being 17k i would probably have run screaming straight into traffic LOL.) i did know the end and several of the route markers, though, so… structured chaos, i guess?
in retrospect/ from the outside it probably wasn’t that chaotic, but oh man did it not feel that way :P
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Text
Alright everyone, this is important.
If you follow me or @/enkelikitty-mogai, you may know that something happened today. This is an explanation of the situation.
TLDR: Phantasm anon mocked my ED, told me to kms, called me a coward, bothered my qpp and just overall was rude.
Phantasm anon began sending me asks, staring with one about Dr*gs that both made me uncomfortable and messed with my ED.
After that, when I made a post about how I was uncomfortable with something he told me that I was being rude and as bad as an anon who in the past went around calling people slurs.
I tried to say that the asks simply triggered me, and he said "you do realize that "mezzing with your ed" is the exact same as hurting your feelinz right. now you juzt zound like a dumbazz AND an azzhole" this was sent to me two separate times.
In between that he implied that he could see what I was saying in another blogs discord server, turns out he could and he has since been kicked. Regardless, this message sent me spiraling
He then claimed that I was worthless.
At some point, he told me to KMS.
After that, he called me a selfish bastard and said he was glad I felt bad.
he continued to imply that he could see what I was saying.
I said I was going to turn off anons, but then got side tracked when trying to do something else. He said "i thought you were gnna turn off nonz? or do you actually like me? oooh! zee haz a cruzh on meeeee"
I am in a qpr with two people, and it was clearly meant in a mocking manner.
After that he went onto my qpps blog and began messing with xem.
He then called me a coward when I said I was blocking him.
If you want screenshots for proof, let me know.
Do NOT try to interact with him, do not give him the satisfaction.
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Note
Fanfic ask J T Y
From these fanfic writer asks.
J:  What’s your favorite fanfic trope?  Have you written it?
I gravitate towards reading and writing “boxed in” stories where two characters are stuck and forced to work out their issues. Or the variation one character corners another and gives a Talk Or Else ultimatum.
I’m sure this trope has another name but I’ve always called it boxed in from the NCIS episode by that name.
T: Any fanfic tropes you can’t stand?
With a couple of very notable exceptions, I hate “x reader” stories. I’m not into smut so that rules out about 95% of these right off the bat. I’m also very much out of the target demo for most of these too. I’m a 30-something married woman with kids and a mortgage and have a very hard time picturing myself as a teenage stowaway on the Razor Crest. I also don’t like when it’s obvious the writer has a sexual fantasy about a certain actor and is disguising it as a reader insert to the point of the character not even acting like himself.
Y: What are your thoughts on your personal satisfaction with something you’ve written vs. the popularity of your stories?  Do you tend to be most satisfied with your most popular stories?  
Well, two of my oldest FFN fics are still getting quite a few hits and even got (complimentary!) reviews as recently as a couple of years ago, and I am NOT satisfied with them anymore. LOL.
Hm. I don’t know. This one is hard.
My most popular Halo fic is Distraction which I almost didn’t post because I thought there’d be no audience for it, or it would get a ton of hate from the TV antis. I sent it to Mr and he convinced me to share it…and as I look now, about half of the 40 comments are him trolling me and everyone. 😂 I wasn’t entirely sure about this fic when I wrote it, and now when I read it I can’t help thinking “Gosh, I didn’t know these characters from a hole in the ground back then.” But people still like it.
On the flip side one of the fics I’m most proud of is Only Human which has very little in the way of comments. This is another fic I was afraid would get lots of hate and sometimes I wonder if a lot of people were just so turned off by Everyone’s Favorite Scene that they didn’t want to engage with any fanfic about it. Regardless, I put tons of effort into it and I’m glad I wrote it.
*opens fic to link to it* Huh, this has way more kudos than I knew about. Maybe it’s not so unpopular after all.
A Marriage of (In)convenience is one of my favorite fics I’ve ever written and I thought it wouldn’t get much interaction because the premise is pretty absurd, but it became probably my most popular story.
I guess all of that long answer to say…it’s a crapshoot. It also seems in contemporary fandom it’s hard to tell how “popular” a fic is because people will share them in Discord servers or on blogs and forums where people read it and love it but that feedback never makes it to the author. So Only Human could all over some platform I don’t use and I’ll never know about it.
I hope that made sense? It’s hard to measure “popularity” and when I get caught up in it, it leads nowhere good.
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dells-bells · 2 years
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HOLY HECK PLEASE
Please PLEASE MORE QUI GON DAD PUNISHMENT FIC PLEASE GOD
I'm not above begging... I just burned through two of the four and I didn't know how much I needed this to actually feel better myself. My crops are watered. I wish this wasn't a thing that was entirely kink or otherwise oriented because God f******vkkkkk ugh
Thank you for writing I'm gonna go binge the other two
EEEEEE 🥰🥰 ANON THIS MAKES ME SO HAPPY THAT YOU ENJOYED MY WORK
there’s no nearly enough dad!qui-gon discipline fic imo and I am prepared to fix that! I LOVE HIM
omg which two did you read when you sent this? 🥺 that’s so sweet that you’d say they made you feel better yourself 🥺😭😭😭 i’m so glad you enjoyed them omg 🥺😭❤️❤️❤️
Thank YOU for reading 🥺❤️ there will be more to come, promise! the discipline fic discord server just dropped the June challenge AND @spanktember has released their prompts, so rest assured dearest anon THERE WILL BE MORE DAD!QUI-GON DISCIPLINARY CONTENT
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marywisdom · 2 years
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Yesterday a girl I was friends with as a teenager (we were doing the same competitive sport at the time) texted me on Facebook, the usual spiel, do I remember her, because she’s got a question for me. I stared at the message and was like, ah, it’s finally happening, I’ll have to block someone because she’ll try indoctrinate me into an MLM. My other friends and I were taking bets on which one it would be. Because of course I texted her back asking what’s up, I was curious XD
I’m so glad I did because I was SO wrong: turns out her ex got their RPG group in the breakup two years ago and she hadn’t been able to play since. But she saw I’m into D&D and decided to ask if I knew of groups in the area because she’s really missing playing and especially having friends to play with ❤️
I immediately sent her the links for the local RPG group’s Facebook group and Discord server, and we’re now reconnecting after over a decade apart 😊
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creekscove · 5 months
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1-9-22, 8:26 PM.
I need to start forcing myself to do these. I feel like I should have been doing them the past week and a half or however long it’s been.
I think the issue right now is that it's become so taxing and exhausting to talk or think or do anything about myself in general. I feel embarrassed, guilty, shameful, or even annoyed and irritated at myself even when talking in therapy about the simpler things that are going on. If it's day to day things that's fine, but the moment I have to talk about something deeper I find I just don't want to anymore. I hope that in doing these more often I'll start to break that before it gets any worse.
I guess I'll name some random stuff that's happened. I think it's going to start getting more confusing for my posts to be read when they're talking about someone else, since I'm just going to be using the first initial of the person I'm talking about. Some of my friends have duplicates and yet they're two different people. I hope that if I ever were to look back on this, I'll be able to distinguish it. But for the sake of anonymity, I'm going to continue it.
I talked to V a while ago. They seem to be getting closer to me ever since Christmas has passed. Before then, I felt like I was neglecting them, since anytime they asked to do something with me I either wasn't available for it or wasn't up for it. I felt like I was unintentionally avoiding them. But I've started to make more time for them, and it's been paying off. They've been opening up to me more about themselves, which I find really honoring. And in turn, I've been offered to open up more to them too. They seem to hold a gentle, non-intrusive concern for me. I appreciate it. I don't feel forced to talk about things to keep the friendship alive, and I can simply exist while feeling good or not feeling good within their space and it doesn't change anything in a negative way. They'll treat me gentler on days I'm not feeling good.
I think it's a testament to how close we've kind of gotten when a few days ago I was talking about how I wanted to die and how I relapsed to them. And they were just eating popcorn while talking to me. It's kind of funny to think about, but strangely not embarrassing. If they see this post somehow, they'll immediately know I'm talking about them, but I'm not sure they even know this account exists. I've mentioned it offhandedly but I doubt they've sought it out.
I think I'm feeling a little better than I was on new years. Things have been up and down but I don't feel like I want to actively kill myself. Which is good, I guess.
I don't know if I've mentioned it (though I probably have) but I hadn't been doing the best with other V, my best friend and (technically) my love. I had been avoiding them and they had been avoiding me. They were only mirroring my behavior which I can't argue with, and it's both our faults for letting the misunderstanding go on so long. They started distancing when I was unknowingly not giving them the attention they need, and it kind of led into a cycle. By the time I noticed they weren't acting the same I wasn't in the mental state to make a confrontation and potentially lose them, even though it felt like I lost them in a way already. But they sent me a long paragraph which explained how they felt and it made sense. It was valid. And even though it made me feel worse, I'm glad that it happened, because now we're on better terms. I opened up to them about what was going on and we had a healthy conversation and then made a little list we pinned in our discord server. It's filled with reminders for both of us, since 95% of all misunderstandings and communication come from insecurity and/or doubt. Here's our little list:
reminders for us <3
tmi and oversharing/infodumping is okay and encouraged
you're never a bother to the other, please keep doing you
be open and honest
clarify when you can't return the same energy
venting is okay and encouraged
you're always enough and never a burden
But we're back to what we used to be and I can feel free to share things without any guilt of anything anymore, and they can do the same. It's nice.
The newer server I made with my friends has been popping off. I kind of feel bad because everyone's been spending more time on it than on the first server we all came from, even the owners of said first server. I feel like I should go on server 1 more to make up for it. I'm so happy abundance has come to it, and we all seem to openly interact and all be friends compared to only having a small group of members interacting. It's so lovely. I kind of miss my tree in the first edition of server 2, but I can remake it. I have plans to get all the materials for it.
Oh, speaking of the people from server 1, I've been working on drawing them. It's actually really fun. I love the friends I'm making. Hopefully juggling friends with life will get easier...
And I haven't been working on like, serious art lately. Commissions is a better word for it. I haven't been having any motivation for commissions, yet I can do other drawings. It makes me feel guilty, so I'm thinking of throwing in a sketchy icon for both of my commissioners who have been waiting since december or earlier for theirs. Maybe I should work on them.
Yesterday, we got a new dog. Yes, another one. This makes 6 alive now. She's a 6 month old doberman mix, and god does she not know how to be a dog. I gave her a bath for the first time today and she gave me hell for it. The only thing missing from her whole panic was screaming. But stopped freaking out shortly and let me clean her the best I could. My clothes were sopping wet by the time I was done, but I suppose it's fine. I also stripped her harness and collar, and the water came out dark brown. It was disgusting. She's been a handful, getting in the other dogs' spaces, not knowing how to play, discovering what toys are and learning not to jump on people or counters or bark excessively. All of it. She has the mental age of how A and T were when they were 3-5 month old pups. This baby would have turned out neglected had we not taken her. I didn't particularly want her, but I'm glad she came to us than the shelter. She makes me want to pull my hair out but hey, it's only been a little more than a day so I have to take it slow. I have a feeling this might take a lot of energy that I don't have to spare out of me.
What else...
I've been clean for 8 days, 19 hours, and 47 minutes now, according to my i am sober app. I'm almost disappointed in myself. I've wanted to go back to it. I wonder how long I'll last. I've been spending more time on tumblr and other spaces with ed-specific spaces, too. I know it's not good for me. I know I shouldn't get into it. But the thought is already in my head, and I don't really want to fight it. I need to lose weight again anyway.
Oh.
More headmates are coming back to front. I've felt W close to front, especially when trains are sounding off in the distance. I've felt a slight pull to watch aot because of E, maybe. the little that came to front on christmas eve hasn't been back to front since then as far as I know. I've been wondering still if I've fused with Z or if he's still dormant. and I've been thinking about DM, wondering if she'd help me with my art motivation if she came back. I swear for a second in thinking that I had felt her. I think if she came back from dormancy, AV would too. And W came front to talk to V about T in our friend system, then left. I've also wondered if P had been near front when my parents were upset, too. Maybe he always has been, since he hadn't gone dormant, and he is a gatekeeper and protector. Maybe he just doesn't say anything and puts up barriers so I don't know. I can't force him out if I don't know, I guess.
It makes me kind of hopeful, though. Before this, the only headmate I had was an unknown persecutor who said lots of bad stuff about me at any time of the day. I assume P or someone else got rid of them and blocked them from front, since I haven't seen them for about a week. Maybe that's why I've kind of been feeling better? I don't know. But they're the one that kind of edged me into ed spaces and sh spaces. I don't blame them. I just have to deal with it.
I think that's all. If I think of something else, I'll probably write it in a separate post. It kind of makes me feel a little more accomplished getting this out to the void.
creek.
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