#Grade anxiety

[un-pearable]

ngl one of the most useful things i’ve internalized from doing art online is never tell people what to criticize. don’t preemptively apologize for things or point out where you think you fumbled, it’s just priming people to notice minor issues that might not actually matter and hit you where you’re sensitive and throw you off your game. don’t tell people your weak points. if it’s a genuine problem they’ll point it out

#especially not if they’re the professor grading your assignment!!!!!!!!!! feel so bad for my friend #i cant tell him it now bc it’ll come across as mean but i feel so bad :( he kept apologizing for things he didn’t need to and it made him #seem unprepared. when he actually had 95% of what he needed and apologizing made it LOOK like he didn’t #text✨ #i’m making it sound very dramatic here but it’s straight up helped me so much with my anxiety #the above doesn’t apply if you’re looking for constructive criticism kr any thing #i’m very specifically talking about stuff like posting art online or giving a presentation or whatever

[dragonpyre]

There's advanced reading group in elementary school and then there's "you and literally one other kid get sent to a study room to read a high school level book" reading group.

And then you wonder why I'm so high achieving...

#yes this actually happened #in 5th grade me and other other kid got sent to a room with three other kids from the WHOLE school #to read boring high school books #they were still too easy btw #but yeah now I have crippling anxiety and am burnt out! #text post #gifted kid syndrome #gifted kid things

[firestorm09890]

I loveeeee the basement trio dynamic there’s a man whose shape language is entirely triangles who loves arguing with everyone and saying “clearly you don’t own an air fryer” and cares for nothing but science and RESPECT and there’s a man whose shape language is entirely rectangles who will never be remembered for anything other than hitting teens really hard which is a shame because he's very smart who is mostly trying to keep things in the group stable as any rectangle-shape-language man does and then there’s the baby of the group who is also the smallest whose shape language is the softest by default however his favorite language is lying and he is actually the cruelest of them by several magnitudes and by far the most terrible on multiple axes. and that one’s the leader. and the other two are his dads

#kingdom hearts #vexen #lexaeus #zexion #and he is also my favorite because he reminds me of myself if i wasnt held back by basic human decency and anxiety #and also never made friends in 7th grade. amen #i miss them so muchhhh please let all three of them interact in a game again in the future #well. even aeleus and ienzo. not the nobody versions #wishful thinking…. aeleus needs to have lines first…… #me post

[samarecharm]

Ryuji is so anxious in the beginning of the game :( hes so caught up in his head during the kamoshida arc; makes me think hes been like that for awhile, at least until u get a bit further in the game. The rumors, the self loathing, the whole stint w kamoshida; hes got too much on his brain and its kinda nice (and a little sad) that he starts sharing those anxieties and doubts the second hes in a safe space to do so.

#chattin #ryuji #hes definitely more relaxed by the madarame arc #like he got friends and a purpose and he just bounced back immediately #but i am thinking of like. the year everything went to shit for him #like it wasnt his fault but also hes the center of all the controversy #and he went from being very popular (im SURE he was; hes called a track STAR) #to being completely alone w failing grades and a broken leg. like he had alot of time to sit and think #and all the stuff w his home life being so disruptive #like despite what the school body will say he does think before he acts #he had a grown man rile him up to make him act; he didnt just go in guns blazin #i dunno where im going w this lol. i just think he gets alot of flak for being loud and annoying #but just like w everyone else; u get to see their real personality when theyre supported and loved #and ryuji is just loud and brash and he loves w his whole heart #just like ann became super vocal and silly about so many things after u help her w shiho #All the thieves are like this. ryuji is a ball of anxiety #but its quieted down when he has real support and purpose in his life again #and its less that hes ‘quiet’ about his worries; if anything hes more vocal about it #but bc hes so vocal about it; u can see the difference between him messaging u every day worrying about kamoshida #to him going w the flow and putting more trust in u and the team #he loves them sm !!!!

[burningthetree]

this is my villain origin story I can feel it

#academic weapon #academic validation #forever my nemesis #university aesthetic #but we’re all collectively losing our minds #julie is rambling #and slowlyyyyy passing away #can I just get my GRADE SO I KNOW I’LL GRADUATE #pls pls pls manifesting for me to get that grade soon because I am passing away #shouting into the void of tumblr to get rid of part of the anxiety that’s been piling up :’)

[sunglassesmish]

it’s crazy i have a presentation worth 30% of my grade in 9 hours and i’m on here making gifs of lou ferrigno jr kissing a man

#i have the worst social anxiety ever but it will only last 15 minutes and i’ve practiced my part #i need to write it all down on cue cards for me to take in but i’m graded as part of a group #and even if i somehow did fail this i would still be fine because of my other work

[channelworldbluez]

Yall do any of you have like that one teacher that you will forever hold a place in your heart? Okay maybe not that deep lol but like a teacher who just idk was so kind and so cool and just had a positive effect on you while you were a student?

#me #txt #for me that’s my American History teacher back in 11th grade!! #she was so sweet but also accommodating to my social anxiety head ass lol #and she thought my writing was beautiful and encouraged me to pursue writing in college

[rachelspoetrycorner]

What You Missed That Day You Were Absent from Fourth Grade (2016) by Brad Aaron Modlin

In Episode 267, Rachel brings the poem that made me want to do this blog!

Rachel: Usually when I read the poem of a poet that is currently practicing and publishing, I will reach out to them and let them know, "Hey, just so you know, we're gonna talk about your poem. I wanted you to know because I'm celebrating your work." But I feel like Brad is gonna be really let down if I reach out to him and say "Hey, we talked about your poem. We loved it. We also talked about haircuts for about 15 minutes in the middle."

Griffin: You know, but that's—is—what is that if not poetry?

Rachel: Maybe we should stop calling this segment the Poetry Corner and start calling it What Is... 

Griffin: What Is That If Not Poe—

Rachel: What Is That? 

Griffin: —If Not Poetry?

Rachel: If Not Poetry?

If you’d like to hear about Griffin's missing school so much being the actual reason for his imposter syndrome, you can do so here: What is a Short Podcast if Not Poetry, from 19:37 - 31:41

#poetry #rachel mcelroy #griffin mcelroy #poem #Brad Aaron Modlin #poet #What You Missed That Day You Were Absent from Fourth Grade #writing #words #literature #social anxiety #nostalgia #childhood #school #adulthood #loneliness #left out #lonely #teacher #elementary school #life #meaning of life #family #human experience #life lesson #learning #wonderful! #wonderful! podcast #rachel’s poetry corner #episode 267

[pallanophblargh]

I think part of me expected this burnout would last a long time, but it’s drawing close to a year now. I have a strong reason to suspect medications are prolonging it. Granted: I have no intention of stopping medication, but I suspect I may need to make some changes. It’s been nice not to feel burning rage/crippling despair/panic most of the time, but I also miss being able to actually... act on things! Start things! Feel some semblance of motivation, as fleeting as it is. Mostly my reaction to prompts of any kind are “nah, don’t wanna” or “so what?” which isn’t terribly conducive to anything more than day to day life. (Y’all, I can’t even reliably plan my vacation and that’s pretty terrible.)

I’m saying this in part as a sort of explanation as to why I’ve been so slow to respond to anything, or post any art, or even re-open commissions this past year. I just... generally can’t make myself do anything that isn’t a part of my daily maintenance routine. Knowing that making art (even personal art) takes 3x times as long to complete is a standout reason I’ve been refusing to reopen commissions especially, since I’d be unwilling to make clients wait more than a few months for even something as simple as a sketch. People were patient enough with “Old Me,” I don’t think most would hold out for “New Me.”

Thankfully I’m speaking to my doctor tomorrow regarding my experiences on the current medication, and maybe I can find something that works a little better. I feel like I’ve been pretty fortunate so far, all things considered, and my side effects have been fairly mild. (Though I have suspicions it’s also thinning out my hair something fierce... probably time for supplements for that issue!)

Hopefully I’ll figure it out sooner rather than later? Either way, I’m learning to accept things as they are these days. 

#April rambles #text post #mental health #medication #I know I'm one of the lucky ones but I'm still not discounting my aggravations #like yeah I'd like to think I should be capable of motivation #but at what cost? #and I never thought I'd care so much about hair loss but yikes I never had a lot of hair to begin with #wanting to cry anytime I see someone with a full head of thick hair #guess I'm kinda shallow after all lol #I have some beef regarding my other issues and suspicions but whatever #I can deal with them later #but I still find it hard to believe I've been assigned Just Anxiety instead of low grade well masked ADHD #Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhh whatever #I'm a pleasant zombie for the most part are you happy? #I can't be arsed to do really anything are you sure that's just anxiety? #I'm literally masquerading as an apathetic potato most of the time now with meds so yeah ok sure? #we'll get there someday I hope #shit count my blessings it could be so much worse

[snixx]

actually so glad I learnt morse because now I have a stimming outlet that is NOT subconsciously singing in class and throughout the breaks all day lmfao

#don't worry i was pretty quiet i only got heard by people around me a couple times throughout middle and high school #but it was still mortifying lol #the only problem with morse is it's more distracting and less intuitive so it makes me lose focus lol #girlblogging.pdf #but yeah one thing about me is i cannot stop singing. it's annoying asf but i don't even realize im doing it its been a thing forever #it used to help me cope with my loneliness in seventh grade and then it just became a habit ig #and with anxiety and panic attacks and restlessness #but yeah yay morse #god people used to think i was such a weirdo in school. do NOT miss it

[catastrxblues]

i have this dread so ancient in me, this creeping fear. oh my god i want to throw up

#i haven’t studied and there’s going to be a tutor today 😭😭😭😭 #and definitely a post test #i miss being a natural at academics #it’s like everything comes in through one ear and out another now i can’t do this #and my memory is getting shorter and shorter aaaaaaaaaaaaaa #anxiety PANIC panic ANXIETY #can you just imagine how EMBARRASSING it will be if once i’m back in class i’m still as stupid as ever in chem #i can see it already fuck myself fir believing that i could do this #i’m soooo not made for this this was for seventh grade me #chem tag #nadirants

[arabian-batboy]

I just got hit with the realization that I will never ever have to take another written exam again and I started crying tears of happiness

#its like a heavy weight that I had since 1st grade to the point where I didn't realize it was there has been lifted #its a feeling of pure bless #yeah fuck getting a master degree #I don't want this feeling to ever go away #I don't know if I mentioned this before but I have a serious exam anxiety #so even if I got a master it will be in something I actually enjoy/don’t view studying for as a chore #like languages or geography or politics #even though they don’t have anything to do with my major lol

[polysyndetonaddictsupportgroup]

I get the feeling that if Yuta meets any adult from the zenin clan soon heads are going to roll. (or interrogations of the most brutal kind :))

The Zenin clan were prepared for gojo satoru. They were prepared for Nanami Kento and Shoko Ieri.

They were not prepared for a violently unwell sixteen year old boy with a sword and the power of love

#jjk #sea glass gardens #they were NOT prepared for gojo satoru for the record #no one ever is #but they were expecting him #they were not expecting this special grade anxiety riddled teenager to become passionately attached to this kid they just fucked up

[supernovaa-remnant]

about to have my physics final 😔 wish me luck o7

#me being faced with my ta and classmates when I skipped the past two tutorial sections like 🧍‍♀️ #listennn at least I didn’t miss a single lab and that’s the most important thing imo #tutorial section sucked anyway 😒 especially after I’d decided to switch majors #like it’s not like it was gonna fuck with my grade thaaat badly y’know? #whatever I’m an adult I can face the consequences of my actions #<- has intense social anxiety but it’s okay I simply won’t engage #stella rambles

[jamsandsuch]

i'll be honest i've been having a little of an existential crisis since getting my graduate school acceptance.

in the opening to teaching to transgress, bell hooks talks about how when she was offered tenure she fell into a spiral. and for me, i thought that getting my acceptance to my master's program would help but if anything it's only made me feel terrified that i'm doing the wrong thing with my life.

i'm a budding sociologist and kind of by nature of that my work is tied up in activism; even moreso when my entire body of research is about my diasporic community and ways to improve our standing, the histories that brought us here, the future trajectory of our community. growing up with crippling anxiety, i've strayed away from having strong opinions, from upsetting anyone too much. growing up as a southeast asian immigrant, i strayed away from being noticed too much at all. academica offered me that space to form those opinions, and i think there was some power in that: for once i was encouraged and even rewarded for my years of quiet observation and the pent up rage and injustice i've locked away in response. naturally, academia became my safe space and i decided to pursue grad school and a career in academia. but as i see myself moving forward, i increasingly realize that as a person of color in academia, especially with the particular subject matter i've chosen for myself, i kind of need to step into that spotlight i've been so afraid of. and especially when those opinions will carry so much political weight, so much responsibility, those anxieties i've carried with me since i was little, that unfamiliarity with being seen is weighing down on me so much and i feel like i'm suffocating.

a few months ago i attended an event in my diasporic community hosted by a local activist group. they were extremely supportive and interested in my research and asked for more insight into what research like mine looks like. at the time my study was still in ethics board purgatory so i didn't have much progress to share with them, which i understandably lamented about. one of the members, who shared with me previously how they had been disillusioned by academia and thus dropped out, remarked as I outlined all the bureaucratic barriers that exist in academia: "You see that's the problem - I could go out into the neighbourhood and ask people those questions right now, put them together, distribute leaflets or organize a rally, and it would all happen so much faster and without this red tape." at the time i only agreed - mostly because i first read this as sympathizing with my academic exhaustion - but recently i've been revisiting those words as a question about if i'm really doing the right thing with my life, bigger questions about the purpose of my work more generally.

last week i attended an incredible talk by a journalist visiting from my home country who documents the human rights abuses happening domestically. as a qualitative researcher, and particularly as an urban/community sociologist, i was interested in the subject of her talk which was pertaining to building community through journalism. i was wondering if i may be able to 1) learn more about my country's politics and 2) learn more about how my work might facilitating community building. but what i walked away with was a growing discomfort in my stomach as that activist's words returned to me during that talk - this journalist was doing admirable, incredibly valuable work. the work was timely. it was immediate. it was influential. then what of my work? i've been working on my undergraduate thesis for eight months. this week alone i've spent over twelve hours hunched at my desk painstakingly transcribing interviews for analysis. and for what? to present at an undergraduate conference? to have it tossed into a sea of uncited papers? at the end of the talk a professor raises her hand to ask how academia and journalism can partner together to work towards a common goal. the speaker's response was geared towards the support they've received from quantitative researchers' data. as a qualitative researcher, what makes me different from a journalist besides a fancy university title and years' worth of institutional bureaucratic barriers my work must pass before publication? and beyond that, will it ever even be cited at all? i hoped to speak to the speaker afterward with my question, but they promptly had to leave. i walked back home and stared at my wall for a while.

two weeks ago one of my classes i teach for hosted a panel with activists from various diaspora. one student raises their hand and asks if one panelist, an iranian woman, feels afraid about the possibility of being targeted and killed for her activist work to which she calmly responds that she is expecting it. i feel a chill go down my spine as i wonder if i should be that selfless too. later during office hours a student shares with me that he's starting a project in partnership with an activist group to make critical race theory and asian diasporic history accessible beyond the ivory tower to laypeople. i wonder if i should be doing that too. with every moment i stand in front of these folks i feel like i'm standing up against everything that my work is not doing. i should be making this work accessible. i should be making this work faster. i should be ready to die in defense of my work. this guilt chokes me like a noose and with every moment i spend lying awake in bed thinking about it i string myself up higher like a flag for the world to laugh at. look at me, another useless scholar with impostor syndrome.

when it comes to the kind of work i do, i recognize that academia without activism is nothing short of ego boosting and extraction. and yet at the same time we're asked to somehow distance ourselves from political opinions so as to maintain the objectivity of our work. when i see the advocacy work done by fellow students on campus, i increasingly feel like a phoney intellectualizing work that's happening in real time on the ground that myself and my colleagues are removed from. this and my years of anxiety, and the fear around activism generated by being raised by parents from a country that has targeted academics for their politically provocative work have concocted the perfect storm of existential crisis, paranoia, guilt, and a deep seated desire to disappear. i feel useless in my work, helpless in my desire to be a part of an activist scene, and hopeless about my impact as a human being all at once. cue a pathetic image of some tortured scholar locked away in an ivory tower wiping their tears with sheets of gold leaf or something while the world burns outside. woe is me.

i brought these thoughts (or at least these thoughts as they were half baked) to one of my professors previously and he told me that i need to stop thinking. that i need to focus on what's immediately important to me: finish my thesis. get my bachelors degree. so this week during my midterm break i tried, i really did. i dove back into my old hobbies. engaged in some self care by spending time with my friends, exploring the city. and as i've done so i've realized - i'm so happy. so, so happy to be doing my hobbies. and that's just left me increasingly wondering if i'll ever claw my way out of this hole i've dug for myself: when I look at my instructors around me i see their work life balance wrecked. i see their unsustainable salaries despite all the incredible work they do and all the extra time they sank into their extra years of education (i recently learned that the published faculty salaries in our university's financial report are actually inflated, so the salaries are in fact much worse than I was led to believe and believe me, my expectations were already low - and this is at a T40). i wish i was kidding when i say that there are instructors i've known that began teaching during my first year and who i've slowly watched have the light drained out of their eyes over the last three years.

is this my destiny? to forever feel this way? to sink years of my life earning poverty wages as a TA and RA, delaying when i will finally settle down, sinking my family's money into a education for a job that won't make that money back unless by some miracle i land a tenure track position out of my phd? and all that knowing that there's a shortage of jobs for the number of phds in my field? and all of this knowing that there are folks out there doing work that's actually on the pulse of what's going on, more timely, and without the hierarchical nature of academic research?

do i think i'm going to find any of the answers i'm looking for right now? probably not. but i just feel the shadow of my future looming over me as i'm committing to grad school and i don't know what to do about it. i wake up every morning with a weight on my chest and when i think about it i can't breathe. maybe bell hooks really is a lot more relatable than i thought.

#academia with anxiety i guess #and impostor syndrome but whats new #wow did you really read all that #as i wrote the part about work life balance my prof that i ta for literally sent me a message about grading! it's 3am #lol #studyblr #gradblr #academia #university

[unicornsaures]

ill forever adore going through my old sketchbooks because its like going through memories i never knew i had

#dpdr my beloathed<3 #memory gaps i hate you !! #like what the fuck do you MEAN i cant tell when somethings real and somethings not #its ironic how my longest lasting memories are when i was drunk #like you would THINK that would be the most forgotten thing #but nope! #maybe because msot of the times i was drunk deeply affected me as a person #and i wont stop reminding myself about it #but! #brain if youre gonna fuck up my memories please let me forget the oens i want to forget pls n thanks #ugh #vent post #vent #dolirants #i love projecting onto laurens though if you couldnt tell #riddling that bitch with anxiety and paranoia and dpdr and rvery problem ive ever faced #honestly i think my mind starting blocking out just..everything #like everything ever #8th grade wasnt even bad ? #likr maam could i like #idk #remember that pls? #7th grade i understand #but like ? #can i remember the rest? #ughh #me ranting in the tags again