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#HE REALLY DOESN'T WORK FOR THEM ANYMORE AND THEREFORE DOES NOT HAVE ANY FUCKS LEFT TO GIVE
aotopmha · 11 months ago
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Attack on Titan in 2020
I've sort of dropped doing detailed chapter posts on the series because that type of writing wasn't very fun for me anymore and I have taken a liking to a bullet point kind of approach where I list the elements that stood out for me in the chapter or make a separate post for some specific topic I'd like to talk about in it.
I've started like 10 different posts to attempt to talk about AoT this year and I always end up with incoherent rambling because of all of the elements I'd love to to talk about.
This year's chapters were 125-135 and this year's episodes episodes 1-4 of season 4.
The anime episodes in particular have given me a lot of food for thought, so I'm just saying fuck it.
I think the biggest misstep of the story for me will forever be the fact that it decided to use fairly specific historical imagery.
The Eldians are clearly supposed to have allegorical equivalency with Jewish people, but the Jewish people were never the oppressors. There weren't any Jewish empires. That's conspiracy theory bullshit.
But on the other hand, the series clearly takes great effort to not stereotype any of the groups it's portraying and gives complex reasons for what both sides do. It's one of the few Japanese series that I've seen not stereotype Middle Eastern-coded people (Ramzi and Halil) or black people (Onyakapon). Everyone are people, it says. It even champions diversity:
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(Chapter 118)
It is also very much true that a bunch of fascist states use long-term history as an excuse for their actions:
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(Chapter 127)
Nation did X 2000 years ago therefore our conquest of them is justified.
This makes discussion about the series' themes like a minefield.
The people who are very critical about its imagery are right, but the people defending the series aren't wrong, either because it condemns all of those nasty ideas of conquest and hurting innocent people.
You can't have a more clear-cut condemnation of genocide:
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(Chapter 127)
If you combine all of these details instead of zoning in on them one by one, to me what the story is saying is that *even if* all of that conspiracy bullshit is true, innocent people don't deserve to be slaughtered no matter the reason because they are still people who have their own feelings, thoughts and wishes.
The story clearly gets the baseline, but fumbles the details. I decided to look up some more discussion surrounding this these past few days and I just wish there was more good faith discussion about it. A lot of it feels like a moral superiority contest.
I think it's these kind of flawed stories that actually deserve detailed scruitiny over stories that are rotten to the core because they are *almost there*. Talking about them is a good topic starter in what to do and not to do in a story like this.
Speaking of rotten to the core, I think the absolute highlight of the chapters this year is Eren and some of the chapters this year finally gave me a pretty clear picture of what is going on with him.
Context from 123 certainly helps, though:
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(Chapter 131)
This is about Eren's perspective. He can't accept the destruction of Paradis.
It's not that this solution was inevitable looking in from the outside (which is one of the interpretations I see around for Eren's actions), it's that *Eren* can't see any other way out of this except the most extreme because of all of the horrible things he has seen from the outside world. It is very similar to the way suicidal people can only focus on the negative.
You can tell them everything is going to be okay, but those words won't reach them because their mind won't let them and loops them back to those negative thoughts.
Eren can't see the ice cream or silly clowns. But he can see how the other Eldians in the league of Eldians are willing to push Paradis under the bus. He can see how Grisha's sister was killed. He can see how racist and cruel Marley is towards the Eldians in Liberio (and how the people have racist leanings towards other nations, too).
He can only see those bad things. But he also understands how everyone outside of the walls are human just as the people inside of the walls are.
So he is torn to pieces by guilt.
He doesn't want to do this, but he can't see any other solution.
This is why I also think he can't rob his friends of their agency. He is fighting for them to have a good future:
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(Chapter 133)
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(Chapter 131)
What really stood out to me on a revisit is that Eren considers himself much worse than Reiner.
I've seen criticism on how the story pushes the narrative of both sides being the same and this detail is really important to me because this is the story acknowledging that what Eren is doing is worse and gives all of the following exchanges about this the context of it being a similarity in principle.
Both sides have killed for what they think is right and have to deal with how they have killed people. This is such an important detail in the Uprising arc, too, where Erwin firmly acknowledged that overthrowing the government might not actually be the right choice by him. It was simply what he saw as right. On a narrative level this avoids absolute truths and preference of one character perspective over the other and once again makes it about individual perspectives.
The theme of individual perspectives is so ingrained in this story at this point in my eyes that it's another cornerstone in understanding what is going on with Eren to me.
I think it's great.
I also really appreciate Annie and what was done with her in this chunk of chapters.
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(Chapter 127)
There has been this narrative going around that proposes that the story is in Eren's corner too much. But these chapters are nothing but questioning Eren and Annie is one of the main voices in this. It's the Marleyan girls, really and I think this is a very necessary part of making the narrative work. Once again, it separates the narrative and character perspective.
It says that the Paradis side caring is about character perspective, not what the narrative sides with and Annie is even sympathetic to Mikasa in that instance.
She gets it. Unexpectedly, I think Annie might play a bigger role in taking down Eren than expected. Her character arc about deciding to no longer go with the flow because she doesn't want any more tragedy to happen is basically calling for it.
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(Chapter 128)
Another element I've seen brought up is the fact that nobody seems to address the Bert-sized elephant in the room, but some of our characters are certainly thinking about him.
This is such a thematically strong element and really interesting because Connie joined the military to make his mom proud and be a good soldier. This is the motivation behind his claim when he says they are going to save the world. But what does becoming a good soldier mean, exactly?
Well, apparently possibly gunning down people you care about.
This moment is so good because it's another moment where the idea of glory in war is taken down a peg.
The moment with Connie declaring they're going to save the world is so often criticised, but it is actually turned on its head in 128. There is no heroics in this. This is actually Connie's big "killing a person" moment because it strips away the final bit of comfort in killing in war, the excuse of killing for good moral reasons.
It is also a wonderful complex evolution of the series' themes. Trost was about fighting monsters. In the Female Titan and Clash of Titan arcs some of those monsters turned out to be human. In the Uprising, Return to Shiganshina and Marley arcs all of those monsters turned out to be human and here in the War of Paradis arc, everyone is human and the only separating system is what everyone views as right.
I really hope the anime will let this chapter breathe a little bit more.
Moving on, I guess it is time to address the rumbling.
I love it as a horror spectacle.
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(Chapter 130)
And I really I think it needs to be non-CG when animated. CG is fine in spectacle battles, but not in horror settings because it is too clean.
The rumbling needs to be disgusting and dirty.
Chapter 132 gave me one of the few moments in which I truly cared about Levi. I think him telling Hange to dedicate her heart was a very good moment to cap off their relationship. He sent another SL commander to fulfill their duty.
The speech about hatred in chapter 134 also stood out to me. I think it definitely should be fitted in there somewhere in this, but I also see a bunch of criticism for it.
I want to point out that this is the side of present Marley talking here. It's the military dictatorship.
It's the Nazis. I think the Nazis should feel regret for exploiting innocent people and admit they're wrong.
I also like how the horrors here are undoing the brainwashing and showing the truth to the citizens.
I guess you could read it as heavy-handed, but it is also something that needs to be addressed and in principle, it's not wrong.
I'm also going to put a mention of Historia here. I've talked about how this is my biggest and most glaring problem with the series because of how thematically unfitting it feels, but I've also talked about it in many posts. I wanted to focus more on other stuff in this post.
So now, we make it back to chapter 135.
I think having stewed on it for a month now, I like the element of mindscrewing our cast with the Titans of the people they love is the strongest element of it. It's making them face their personal traumas and we also get some great character moments and payoffs from it.
Mikasa ended off the year in a very good note in my eyes.
Even this deep in the story, this chapter left me in a situation where I have no idea how things might turn out.
I might have rough ideas, but not anything specific and that's fun.
Well, this is it on my retrospective.
2021 is confirmed to be AoT's final year of publication as volume 34 is set to be the story's final volume.
Those who hate the story can finally be free of it and those who care for it, can look back on it with fondness and sadness and many other emotions and evaluate.
It's been 7 years for me. What a wild ride.
So, I'm asking everyone, what are some of your observations on AoT in 2020?
Is there anything you'd like to add or do you have any observations or counterarguments for anything I've said?
I'd be curious to see what everyone else thought of AoT in 2020!
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karenwilson · 8 months ago
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Buck and his romantic relationships
Honestly there is so much to dig into when it comes to Buck and his romantic relationships. There are some constants that can be found in nearly all of his relationships and some things that are constantly changing and evolving.
One think that strikes me about the women he has dated were strong and independent or arrived there at the end. Abby, Ali, Taylor, even Veronica they all stood their ground and were their own champions. They put their needs and mental & physical well-being first, something that society always expects women not to do. It's something I actually really appreciate about their storylines even if it comes with Buck being unhappy. None of the women set out to hurt him, they just didn't want to put themselves second. And that is perfectly okay.
But let's dive deeper into each of his relationships. Bear with me, it's a long one.
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Abby Clark
Abby was his first serious relationship and now we know why. Due to his upbringing and his parents' abusive behaviour he never really forged any important relationships apart from Maddie. I think it got even worse when he got the jeep as he skipped from place to place, never staying for long anywhere. He didn't have ties anywhere and that made him restless and only seek out sex to forge some intimacy because that was all he thought he could get and something that would hurt him the least.
Anyway with Abby he was able to connect with a woman (one he wasn't working with anyway) on a deeper level. It only worked because it didn't start out as something physical. He didn't know what she looked, only knew her voice and good heart. I doubt they even would've met had it not been for the 911 calls, because they have so little in common.
Buck is actually pretty self-aware when it comes to his behaviour around women but hasn't really faced it before. That's why he tells her that he thinks it isn't a good idea if they meet, because he's worried he'll revert back to his usual coping strategies and it'll end up with him losing their connection.
But we also see that he's inexperienced and that although he knows how to seduce women he's lacking self-confidence in other aspects. He doesn't know unconditional love apart from Maddie and even that trust was broken when she didn't leave with him, when she left him behind. So he often worries he'll do something wrong and put her off; he goes over the top to get her attention - which he has done before in his life. Remember, he could only ever get his parents' attention when he did something big and reckless.
Abby has her own shit to deal with and Buck doesn't really know what to do with that in the beginning. It's not the light-hearted, sweet relationship he might have been hoping for but instead serious and heavy. But helped by Bobby's advice he works through his doubts and puts himself out there, puts Abby first. He always puts other people first, because that's who he is (and lbr, it's not healthy). Sadly to his own detriment because he is more invested than she is; Abby has her sick mother to take care of and is drawn in several directions at once. That's a heavy burden for anyone, especially someone working fulltime. She doesn't want to put her mother in a home as it wouldn't feel right but I also think it comes from a place of societal pressure for women to take care of other people. When her mother dies I actually thought it was a very real and important step for Abby to take put herself first, to take care of her own needs and do something that's vital to her claiming herself again.
I think Buck understands why she has to go but it still leaves him with the impression that he's never good enough, that people always leave. Because that's the experience he's made in life and nothing has changed that for him yet. And I totally get where he is coming from, that he believes it's his fault that she leaves, that he isn't good enough, that she doesn't love him enough. I do believe Abby never felt as deeply for Buck as he did for her but even if she did, sometimes love doesn't fix people. Abby was broken and exhausted and that's something Buck couldn't help with but that doesn't mean he wasn't enough.
She definitely did him dirty by leaving him in the dark and not giving him a clean break when she knew she was ready to move on.
Thanks to Maddie and the 118 he was able to partly work through those issues and put himself out there again.
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Ali Martin
To be honest, Buck dating Ali came out of nowhere for me. Yes, they did connect a bit at the beginning of season two but I honestly didn't see her coming back as a love interest for Buck.
(And is it just me or do I just not remember it but Bobby stopped giving Buck relationship advice after Abby???)
But I thought they were really cute when they were together; the show just didn't make a very good job of establishing their relationship. They had to few scenes on the show but that was by design. I think the show never intended to keep Ali around, she was (sadly) just a plot device for the show to propel Buck's development. It established Buck's behaviours and the patterns in his romantic relationships. He years for deeper connections and a serious romantic relationship that he gets in too deep too fast. Buck doesn't do shit halfway, he gives it his all.
With Ali he was able to go the next steps of moving on from Abby, he had someone who made him happy for a while but of course the show had to reassert that people leave Buck, further damaging his self-esteem. I think it's perfectly understandable for her wanting to end their relationship at this point, when remaining in it would cause her too much pain and grief by always being worried about Buck and whether he would come home that night, would still be alive. That's a lot for anyone to deal with. So it was better for her to get out at that point instead of dragging it out and therefore making it more painful for both of them when it eventually ended.
But Buck doesn't view it as her leaving because of the dangers of his job but because of him. So yet another person leaves him because he's not enough, not right. Being a firefighter is important to Buck, he sees it as his calling, something he is good at and feels right. He defines himself by his job and that ends up doing damage, especially after the bombing and his subsequent leg injury. Buck feels lost when he can't do his job anymore because he feels like he IS his job. That's why Maddie telling him he's good enough and is worth everything even without his job was so important. His job is an important part of who he is but he isn't his job.
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Taylor Kelly
I think with Taylor we saw the mere-exposure effect. Buck has a bit of a thing for voices as we first saw with Abby. With Taylor he knew her voice, heard her whenever he drove to work and obviously liked what he was hearing. And when he met her during that accident he was attracted to her not just by voice but by her looks as well.
Because of his dating experience with Abby and Ali and generally just trying to be a good person, he doesn't want Taylor to get the wrong idea. He likes her, possibly wants to get to know her more and doesn't want to leave her with the wrong impression. Taylor isn't having any of it, because she knows what she wants and what she wants isn't a relationship with him when they first meet. She's young, confident, successful and takes what she needs.
For Buck he has to cut the cord before he gets in too deep. He knows what he wants now and he doesn't want to fall back into his old habits of having sex and not having a meaningful connection. And if he doesn't get out he might fall too fast too hard already knowing it won't go anywere. Plus Taylor tries to expose secrets about his work family and quasi-dad and that would never work. Even if Buck wants romantic love he's not going to step on his 118 family to get it.
When they meet again more than a year later there are no hard feelings (whether that's amnesia on the writers' part or Buck has come to terms with her behaviour we don't know [yet]). Due to their previous actions Buck seems to think Taylor isn't a human being with feelings and hasn't been changed by the pandemic as well. I love Buck but it's ironic that he didn't want to hurt her in season two but inadvertently does so by using her as a shield in season four without her consent. I don't like what he did at all and Taylor was absolutely right on hanging him out to dry on that "double date" and calling him out on him using her like this, by not telling her what she was about to walk into. From her reaction we know he presented the situation differently because he (rightly) figured she might not come otherwise.
It'll be interesting for me to see where their relationship is going. I'd love for them to become friends and see where it takes them from there.
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Veronica
I'm only including her for two reasons: She was Buck's first step to dipping his toe back into the dating pool again and acted as a catalyst to rekindle/change Buck and Taylor's relationship. Plus she also fits the strong woman type Buck goes for (although she additionally has a no-fucks-given attitude and isn't here to coddle anyone and their feelings).
To be honest, looking back on it Buck felt a bit OOC to me during their date. I mean yeah, he's just starting to date again and isn't used to doing it anymore and people change but... He didn't have a problem talking to Ali, Abby, Taylor or any of the women he chatted up with at bars and other places before. Why would he suddenly get so flustered? Even if they started on the wrong foot and he put his foot in his mouth... it just like it was put by the writers there for the laughs and not because it's how Buck would (re)act?? It just feels weird to me now. What did feel real to me was his need to impress her and makes sure she likes him, because Buck needs to be liked and he's really uncomfortable with somone not liking him and not knowing where he stands. He needs to clear the air now, to know what's going on so he can move on. After Abby and being left to doubt himself and being left in the dark about where they stand has left a mark on him (see also him making sure to talk it out with the 118 and especially Eddie after the lawsuit).
Well, that's it for now.
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littlesponge-fics · 7 months ago
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Special: Part Four
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<< Previous Part | Masterlist | Next Part >>
Rating: PG-13 Word Count: ~2.3K Warnings: Swearing.
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Draco finally made it virtually unscathed, except for the odious stink of Pansy’s perfume that had rubbed off on him, to the Prefect's Meeting Room. He locked the door behind him, just in case any of the other girls had seen him enter.
The heavy drapes were drawn, making the room practically impossible to navigate yourself through. He waved his wand and the curtains threw themselves open, billowing with the force. Light flooded the room, and Draco waved his wand again to open the floor to ceiling windows, letting the fresh air dissolve the stale.
The room itself was like a small auditorium; Draco descended the isle, flanked by seats, towards a lectern that stood in front of a chalkboard. At the bottom, on the right hand wall was a door; the Head's study.
He entered, and found someone totally unwanted.
Terry Boot.
Draco's arch nemesis.
Yes, he hated him; even more than Potty and the Weasel, if you could believe it.
The first thing Draco didn't like about the Ravenclaw, was that Boot was Head Boy, and that meant he was in close proximity to Granger a lot of the working day; which in Granger's case, was all day, minus class and sleeping hours.
The second thing he hated about him was that Boot liked to piss him off; giving him most of the night patrols and supervising the second year detentions. Pretentious little pricks who thought that, because they had been there a year, they now had licence to give the elder students aggro. Draco would always give the little shits a good talking down for being too big for their boots, and they would always come back for more!
Another, and the most important, thing he didn't like about Boot was that he was also friends with Granger. They hadn't really spoken to each other until they had been appointed to their positions as Head Students, but working closely with each other would do that to people, make them closer. However, over the course of the year Boot had been feeling something more than just friendship towards the Head Girl. The signs were blatant; he was always seeking her out, always wanting her opinion on something, going over every single minute thing with her, sitting by her at the Gryffindor table to discuss 'Head's business'.
Pretence. Pretence. Pretence.
He acted as though he couldn’t do his job, unless Granger was there to hold his hand.
What a load of bullshit.
What got right under his skin though, was that Granger hadn't even known about it until Draco had told her, and even then she didn't believe him.
"Terry?" she would say. "I don't think so. He's just doing his job."
"Trust me, Granger. He wants to get in your knickers. Does he really need to know where you're going to be every minute of the day?"
"It's just in case he needs me for anything."
Draco would grumble and frown a lot, and she would smile and tell him he was jealous.
Even worse, however, was that Terry knew - the only person in fact - that he, Draco, liked her himself. Hence all the bollocks late night rounds and babysitting jobs. But the good thing about being friends with the Head Girl was that she had the authority to make any changes to the schedules. The guy was so fucked up and always interrupting his and Granger's alone time together, (when she wasn't with Potter or Weasley). And she, being the gullible fool that she was, would always believe Boot's pathetic excuse of, 'I'm sorry, but I'm having trouble fitting so-and-so into the rota because of such-and-such', and end up toddling off with him instead. He even got to do most of his patrol duties with her; the lucky bastard.
So here he was, the Head's study, with Boot and no Granger in sight.
The Head Boy was leaning back in his chair, feet propped up on his desk as he read a piece of parchment. He looked over at Draco and then looked down at his reading material. "Come to gloat have you, Malfoy?"
Draco raised an eyebrow in reply. "Now why the hell would I do that? It wasn't you I was playing against."
"Oh," he said, still not looking at him. "Then you've come to find Hermione."
He was a first rate dickhead. He wanted to crush him beneath his studded quidditch shoes.
"She's not here."
"Obviously."
He looked up then, glaring at Draco for the tone he used. "You know sarcasm is considered the lowest form of wit?"
"Well, did you know that with eyes that far apart you're never going to get laid?"
Boot's eyes got narrower.
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Terry didn't know what Hermione saw in the slimy Slytherin; he was a stuck-up bully with a snobby accent. How they ever became friends he would never know, and he really didn't want to. All he had to do was get them as far away as possible from each other.
Malfoy couldn't be good for her; he would just bring her down. He was dominant and controlling.
Hermione was a strong girl but she was also too nice for her own good. She was too good for him with her forgiving nature and kindness. She should be with him.
"Your petty remarks won't get you anywhere here, Malfoy. So you may as well bugger off and find your groupies."
"Why would I need them, when I have Hermione?"
Terry didn’t like the way he said her name.
His feet dropped to the floor as he threw the parchment onto the desk. He stood and crossed his arms. "You don't have her."
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You could practically feel the testosterone fogging the air. The hate between the two was so thick it would take a chainsaw to cut through it, and the jealousy was so green it was nearly black.
Draco crossed his arms too. "Oh, yeah? Well she likes me more." He felt like sticking his tongue out to follow that remark, but restrained himself.
With a roll of his eyes Boot replied, "How can she like you more than me? We're more alike than she and you will ever be. You know it's true, if you really do like her Malfoy, do her a favour and give up this little crush you have, and let someone more suitable take care of her."
"Oh, and you think that's you, do you?" He couldn't believe he was thinking this, but Draco thought that Weasley was a better match. "Think again, Boot. She would walk all over you, she doesn't want some sap who will sit when told. She wants conflict and passion. And I have more of that in my little toe than you do in your entire body."
"And how the hell would you know what she wants?" he snapped.
Draco smirked. "It's in her nature. She's bossy and anal-retentive, things that you just can't handle."
Boot stepped towards him and pulled out his wand.
To be on the safe side Draco did the same.
"Don't say that about Hermione. She's the most kind and caring person there is."
"Stop putting her on a fucking pedestal, would you? She's a know-it-all with an unhealthy fixation with books, and has a temper like Medusa."
"It's nice to know you know me so well, Malfoy," said an angry voice.
Ah. Fuck.
He could see Boot smirking at him, and Draco wanted to pummel him and string him up by his ankles, as he fed him to the squid. He turned to face Granger. It was very easy to tell that she was extremely pissed off at him. Him and his big fat gob.
"Listen, Granger."
She pushed passed him to her desk, and started to arrange the parchment into a neat stack and her inkbottles into a neat row - all unnecessary as everything was already in its rightful place. "No, I won't listen; I've heard all you have to say."
"I know how that could have sounded, but you're taking it out of con-"
"No, no more Malfoy. Shut up and get out," she said pointing to the door.
"Grang-"
"You heard what she said; get out," Boot said, walking to the door and opening it for him.
"Fuck you, dickhead. You have nothing to do with this."
"Of course I do."
Draco pointed his wand under the Head Boy’s chin. "Don't make me shove my wand up your arse, Boot."
"Stop it, just stop it. Leave me alone, I don't want to hear anymore."
"Fine," Draco snapped, "if that's what you want."
"Yes it is." She sounded tired and broken.
He gave a final longing glance at the Head Girl, who was still aimlessly moving things around on her desk, gave the finger to the Head Boy, whose eyes were laughing at him, and left with a heavy heart.
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Hermione was tired, and she was broken.
How could he say such things about her? They were friends weren't they? But friends don't say such things about them behind their back. She had thought he had changed, that he wasn't such an arsehole anymore, that he liked her at least just a tiny bit, enough not to say such nasty things about her.
Being hurt by those she was closest to was one of Hermione's greatest fears. Betrayal, even more so.
She had liked him, and he had shown that he didn't really like her in return. Not in the way she wanted him to or even in the way she would settle for, and never had.
"You okay, Hermione? Hey, you shouldn't let him get to you."
"I'm fine," she sighed, collapsing into her chair.
Terry rubbed her shoulders soothingly and said, "I told you he was going to be a git today."
Hermione laughed lamely, then frowned. "Maybe I should have listened to him and heard him out."
That's what she would have normally done for anyone in any given situation, but Draco had cut her so deep she needed to be away from the source of pain as quickly as she could. Therefore, she had no other choice but to send him away. And now she felt guilty, he had sounded a little desperate when he was trying to explain to her, but she had ignored him to cover up her broken heart.
"He's a good-for-nothing nobody," he said, brushing her hair to the side in order to knead the back of her neck, "who likes to irritate people. He said those things because he's a bully whose everyday goal is to make people feel low, and knock down their self-esteem. Forget about him Hermione, he's not worth it, not when you have friends like me, Potter and Weasley."
"Perhaps you're right," she said closing her eyes and leaning back into his hands. He was very good at this massage stuff.
"Now enough about Malfoy," he said. "Have you written up your speech yet?"
As Hermione went on to describe the general outline of it, Terry smiled devilishly.
A job well done, and it wasn't even planned!
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Draco kicked the stonewall; he was so furious that he didn't feel the spark of pain shoot up his leg. He was angry at Boot for drawing him into an argument and practically egging him on to say those things; and he knew he would say them.
He was angry at himself for actually saying them, even if they were true. But the way she had said those final words, "Yes it is"; that was when Draco knew he wouldn't be forgiven this time. He had done a lot of crazy shit to her over the years, most of them worse than what he had done today. But he concluded that it was expected that he'd be nasty to her when they were enemies, and not when they were friends.
The way she had looked at him, she had known that he hadn't been teasing and meant what he had said, because teasing would have resulted in either her laughing, playfully slapping him, or his favourite, blushing. She had done none of those things. He had seen the betrayal in her eyes and it twisted his gut.
It pained him to know that he had hurt the only person he had ever truly liked.
Even more so, he was angry at Granger. She had ignored him, sent him away without even hearing his explanation.
He leaned back against the wall and slid down it, until he was balancing on just the balls of his feet, his forearms rested on his thighs as his hands dangled between his legs. He tilted his head back and closed his eyes.
He was a dipshit.
Why couldn't he have just left the room as soon as he had realised she wasn't there? Why did he always have to go off on one whenever he saw Terry bloody Boot? Draco knew that Hermione didn't like him in anything more than a strictly professional manner, and that Boot didn't have a hope's chance in hell when it really came down to it. Granger would have given herself away if she felt anything romantic for the Ravenclaw, just like when she had fancied the Weasel back in sixth year; she was so obvious with her affections.
Draco sighed.
Merlin knows what he was saying to her in there; twisting his words even more no doubt, making him look like even more of a bastard than he already was.
Well, Draco Malfoy wasn't going to stand for it, he had never taken flack from anyone before - that was not his father or crazy aunt - and he wasn't going to start now.
He stood and pulled himself together. He was going to talk to her, make her see sense, ask her out, make her accept him, and whip Boot's arse until he disintegrated into nothingness; just like Voldemort.
Firstly though, he had an unscheduled appointment with a Gryffindor.
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fiona-fififi · a year ago
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hey! i love your meta and i keep seeing all these comments everywhere about how ian doesn't deserve mickey/how the relationship is super one-sided/he's not as in love with mickey as mickey is with him/etc etc...i'd loooove love love to hear your opinion on this!
Hi! Thank you for the kind words!
Regarding your ask, I'm going to be real blunt: 
This line of thinking is bullshit.
And that's not to say that people who think this way don't have their reasons, but based on the reasoning I've seen, they generally don't seem to be paying any attention to Ian. And I think this might be in part due to the fact that many people stopped watching except for episodes when Mickey returned between s6-s9. But it's essential that we work to understand both sides—both Mickey and Ian—since they're a package deal, and they always will be. It's fine to prefer one over the other, but if you love Mickey, how can you not also love Ian and how can you ignore the love Ian shows Mickey?
So, I have this huge Ian meta in the works, and to answer this ask in some depth, I'm going to pull parts of that over here, because I think in general, people are really unfair to Ian and over-romanticize Mickey's gestures, even when they could be potentially harmful for Ian (Mexico, anyone?). So, to answer this, I want to address some of the most common reasoning I see for this claim, and from what I've seen, the focus is generally on s6-s7. So, let's get into it.
First, I think it's important to recognize that in this fandom, people so often criminalize Ian for his "betrayals" of Mickey because of Mickey's trauma—which is important and valid—but I think we often overlook Ian's own trauma in trying to justify some imagined evil Ian has done in order to paint Mickey as exclusively a victim, whether of Ian or the writers or what have you. But if you're actually paying attention to Ian, I think it's very clear how deeply he loves Mickey. Yes, he has hurt Mickey. Mickey has hurt Ian, too. But neither of them has ever done so maliciously. Sometimes we hurt the people we love, and there's no way around that. The why matters. So let's talk about a few of the things that people seem to view as unforgivable for whatever reason.
Let's start with 6x01. So first, people often write this scene off and refuse to rewatch it because they find it too painful or OOC or poorly written or whatever. But the 6x01 prison scene is actually essential to their story, and I think it really provides some insight into Ian's feelings and behavior in the rest of season six.
In the 6x01 prison scene, it is so clear to me that Ian still desperately loves Mickey. That he desperately misses him. The only time in 6x01 that Ian breaks and shows any emotion is there with Mickey. He masks it real well—tries to play it off like he doesn't and shouldn't give a shit. But then they fall into a little bit of familiar playful banter and Mickey gets all soft, and suddenly Ian's really fucking hurting and it's really fucking obvious. The way Ian says "You're in here for fifteen years" when Mickey asks him to wait? That moment was really fucking important. Because Ian didn't say no. He was looking for reasons not to wait; he knows he shouldn't want to. But he does. Because he loves Mickey. You can see it in his eyes. In the way he looks like he's about to cry, especially when Mickey pushes for an answer and tells him to lie if he has to. And Ian says he'll wait. And I don't even think he's lying in that moment. Or at all.
Because Ian Never. Moves. On.
Sure, he enters into other relationships, and maybe he even tries to move on. But he doesn't succeed.
And I mean, no one—including Mickey—should be stupid enough to think that what Mickey is asking is for Ian never to be with anyone else and to stay celibate until he's out years in the future.
I don't think for a moment that Mickey cares who Ian fucks while Mickey's in prison. What Mickey is afraid of is Ian moving on. And Ian doesn't.
Additionally, people always cite the "Svetlana paid me" moment as particularly cruel, but I think we also need to consider this from Ian's point of view. Because when Ian says this, he has just sat there watching Mickey agree to stab some guy in the eye for money with the implication that this is not the first time or the last time this will happen. Meaning Mickey has no intention of keeping his hands clean while in prison, and therefore, he's likely to serve closer to his full sentence, or at least the full eight years Mickey anticipates for overcrowding. This has to fucking hurt for Ian, who obviously still cares enough—even after the breakup—to go see Mickey more than once (this is not the first time he's gone—that is made clear in this episode). 
Now, for Ian, it has to fucking hurt to watch Mickey agree to do shit that's going to keep Mickey in that prison even longer than he has to be. Because Ian still loves Mickey, and Ian is fucked up without him. Ian absolutely is not doing well at the beginning of season six, but I've talked about that elsewhere, so I won't go into it here. But Ian's really fucked up over everything and he doesn't even have Mickey to rely on anymore, and Mickey is actively sabotaging his own chances at early release, so there's no end in sight to Ian living without Mickey.
And I think all of this is important because I think there's a tendency to villainize Ian for what he says to Mickey and what he says about Mickey, but in the beginning of season six, Ian is falling apart.
So Ian's hurting and he's trying to find a way to keep it all together and he's looking for anything that can help him start to feel okay again, and he actively distances himself from Mickey. He does so because he needs to. He needs that distance, he needs to try to convince himself that Mickey's not good for him because he can't have Mickey. And maybe this isn't fair, but isn't it entirely realistic, entirely human, to try to forget the good when you know you can't have it back?
So yeah, as Ian's trying to put his life back together and find a purpose to keep himself alive (and I do mean this literally), he says some shit. What he says isn't actually about how he truly feels about Mickey—it's about trying to convince himself that he no longer needs Mickey; that he no longer loves Mickey. That doesn't mean he doesn't still feel it. In fact, I think it's evidence to the contrary. Because even in his new relationships, Ian keeps going back to Mickey. Ian's entire basis for understanding relationships is Mickey. Even though he had kind of had others. And I think this is significant. Because Mickey was the only one who ever really meant anything to him.
And then, people seem to hold it against Ian that he didn't commit to going with Mickey to Mexico, but of course he didn't. And he shouldn't have. I think Mickey would easily agree with that. Ian left Chicago with Mickey because he loves Mickey. He wanted to go with Mickey, to be with Mickey forever. And so he made a spur of the moment decision that he hadn't thought through because he loves Mickey and he wants to go. That doesn't mean it was a good idea.
Because Ian's stability was still so new at that point, and he hadn't actually thought through what leaving would mean for himself and his mental health. And I don't even really read the "This isn't me anymore" line that people seem to get upset about as about Mickey at all, but more about Ian's own penchant to run, to leave everything behind, to stop taking his meds. It wasn't about not loving Mickey enough or not wanting to be with him; it was about Ian being stable and being afraid to lose all that, because he didn't yet trust himself not to fall apart because of the situation and because of Ian himself. Not because of Mickey.
This is obviously a miscalculation on Ian's part, though. Because when he gets home, he completely falls apart. And I don't think that actually had as much to do with losing Monica as it did with losing Mickey. I've talked about this before, but Ian doesn't do well without Mickey. He was fucked up at the beginning of season six; he's fucked up through the end of season seven and through season eight, really, after letting Mickey go. And I think Ian's lack of stability when he loses Mickey should really tell us all we need to know about how much Ian desperately loves and needs Mickey.
But too many people put their blinders on and are only willing to see the way these moments affect Mickey. And yes, for Mickey, Ian did abandon him. And yes, for Mickey, it may well have felt at some of these moments like Ian didn't love him enough. And I do not discount Mickey's feelings here. But when we can see both sides and the toll these things take on both of them, then I think it's incredibly unfair to pretend that Ian doesn't love Mickey enough. Because that's bullshit if you're paying any attention to Ian.
And honestly, I think people also tend to over-romanticize Mickey's love for Ian. People sometimes act as though every moment Mickey was off screen, he was just sitting around pining for Ian; never entering into any other relationships, never having sex with anyone else, never trying to move on. And yeah, we didn't see it, but I think that's fucking ridiculous, and Mickey was probably getting out there once in Mexico just as much as Ian was. Yes, Mickey's love for Ian is deep and beautiful and genuine. But I think Ian's is too—Ian being with a couple of other guys when he couldn't have Mickey doesn't make that any less true.
Ian loves Mickey deeply, and he always has. But sometimes loving someone isn't enough to set a match to your life and leave it all behind. 
And yes, I am deliberately using Fiona's words here that everyone hates her over. Because she was right. And she wasn't talking about Mickey himself, she was talking about the situation—something we can deduce because she calls Ian's attention to it immediately that Mickey didn't get out of prison, but rather he is a literal escaped convict. Meaning if Ian goes with him, Ian is commiting to going on the run for the rest of his life. Leaving everything he knows behind. His brand new stability. His job. His family. Everything except Mickey. And it is okay that Ian isn't ready to give all of that up.
Sometimes even the deepest love for someone is not enough to give up everything you are and everything you have. We should not hold that against Ian. For Mickey, Ian was the one thing worth hanging onto at that particular moment. But Ian had more than Mickey to think about. That doesn't mean he loves Mickey any less or not enough. It just means they were in different places and were not in a position to be together because of it. The timing couldn't work.
Faulting Ian for prioritizing his mental health is unfair, and not something Mickey would be okay with. But people see Ian falling apart at the end of season seven and beginning of eight, and they think that means everything Ian said at the border was bullshit.
But what I see is a deep, uncontrollable pain triggered by the loss of Mickey, the love of his life, and the loss of his mother—both permanently, or so he thought at the time.
Ian is private and he struggles with showing and being honest about his feelings even among his family. But if you pay attention, he is fucking broken after losing Mickey. Both in season six and in seasons seven and eight.
But then, there are also people who seem to just hate Ian to hate Ian, and I think this is generally where these sentiments come from. In the eyes of people who truly believe Ian doesn't love Mickey enough, nothing Ian ever does will be good enough.
But Ian LOVES Mickey. He has since season one. That has never stopped. That has never lessened. Mickey has always been Ian's one, and always will be. Just like Ian is Mickey's one, and always will be.
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realhankmccoy · 7 months ago
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I drank too much coffee and I'm a nervous wreck.
I've bad feelings tonight (and please don't feel these yourself, they aren't constructive to your life, in my view, there is no profoundness to it, even if there were, it wouldn't be worth it, you're going to die anyway and never see any mark you make on the world after that, so why go through life miserable)
Because I was watching a Frontline documentary on parole violators in Connecticut (I lived in W. Hartford for a month):
I've got the bad feels. What about? Oh, just how harassed and abused I've been by law enforcement, airport security, and customs in my life, and how all of them get away with it. I've had anal cavity searches, my car impounded, frisked to death, screamed at, suspected of committing a murder via a bad fingerprint read and interrogated, drug searches of my van, barked at by redfaced cops who thought I was sucking dick behind tinted windows in Houston in the gay neighborhood, I mean, where to begin.
In all of it, I was 100% innocent. Just total state oppression of me. Kick around the little gay guy. He looks weak and meek. Take it out on him, men are who you go after if you're the state, men, punish 'em, they just look guilty, fucking hippies.
Since this country just endlessly repeats every cycle... will it ever improve? Now, there's 3 other situations in my life in which I was 100% guilty. These were 2 speeding tickets, and one 'drinking a wine cooler in a brown paper bag in the mall' where I was breath analysed and blew a .01%, which is 10 times under the legal drunk driving limit in my state, but they still ticketed me because oh no, not one sip out of a wine cooler in the mall of a Milwaukee suburb! America has no bigger problems than That!
Also, there were some parking tickets, of which I was 100% guilty. There was also an incident in which I shovelled the snow of the sidewalk of where I was living, but did not salt the sidewalk, and the neighbours, being Jerry Springer show types, called the police on me for this. So, I'm not a saint, but that's not bad considering everyone else in my family has a drunk driving record. I admit my guilt and I paid all my tickets. I have a fantastic credit score.
I'm just upset about, you know, the dozens of strip searches and bad attitudes and all of law enforcement constantly raining down on me every time I cross a border because people are really fucking stupidly fond of everybody blasting each other's heads off with guns in Looney Tunes pisshole North America, but really wacko crazy about non-prescription drugs (like much of the world) whilst all the prescription and over-the-counter drugs get abused, abuse, and abused.
It's just a stupid, insectlike species of monsters, so many bad eggs, all the larvae tumbling out of the hive rotten and with stingers, every man and woman an idiot, every part of life less joyful than it need be, a pathetic primate dominance complex excuse of a species with folks acting like they're working 'round the clock to improve it but really doing very little.
Our law enforcement is piss fucking poor to have gone after an honour student like me over and again about fucking druggggggs or whatever right-wingers think is dangerous compared to guns, because they're that fucking stupid.
I've controlled this rant for decades, I've tried to take a tone of moderation in all this hatefulness against the police, because a lot of it does seem, to me, unfair and unwarranted, but given how they've been towards me, good god, why did they all get away with it? Why did they make my life worse about 50 fucking times? Why all this traumatic paranoia about drugs? Why fisting me up my ass all to find nothing, again and again? All because, a lot of it, I wore scruff on my face before Paul fucking Ryan did in Congress, and he's a hero for catching up to me, but I'm a zero because some idiot cop thinks a scruffy face means the guy is loaded with 10 kilos of heroin up his ass.
I have never bought illegal drugs once in my entire fucking life, but I had to suffer for all that because of stereotyping, prejudice, hatred of the left, hatred of guys with beards / guys who look alternative / guys who look hippie / guys who don't cut their hair into an embarrassing clonelike shorn sheep male drone look.
I'm just so heartbroken and angry about the whole thing.
What a shitty fucking country.
Piss on the U.S.A. for doing this to me.
I've been through decades of this horseshit. They like to abuse a young guy. They are unfair violators who wouldn't know danger if a red alert went off. Now that I'm getting older, and find ways to avoid it all, like having a Global Entry membership, I don't get the hand up the ass, but what if it happens again?
Why did these fucks spend decades violating me, all for America to blow up in their faces and say 'we hate fucking cops'? I'd hate fucking cops too if they spend all their time picking on some scrawny innocent hippie honour student and doing anal cavity searches whilst America remains a crime-ridden, murderous hellhole, that's for sure. Nobody can seem to bring the murder down. It massively exploded this year. Maybe if these fuckwits had been working on murder, instead of endlessly searching for dope in my rectum, murder wouldn't be so bad and America wouldn't hate them so much.
Anyhow, excuse the upset tone. I am just righteously outraged.
All of that was horrific. It was a major waste of taxpayer dollars.
I've never purchased drugs, these dipshits just spend all their energy trying to destroy artistic people rather than ensure this country is less murderous than Argentina. Because we're not. We are MORE MURDEROUS THAN ARGENTINA. Our law enforcement and system of education and all of it is that fucking shitty.... we cannot even keep the murder below Argentina's piss poor level.
You want to abuse, and abuse, and abuse?
Then don't be surprise when the flesh you bite into bites back.
I'm just so upset. I don't know if I should cry about it or rant about it, angrily, but I believe anger is the healthier emotion because America's border police in particular violated and committed crimes against my ass, all in their putrid quest for national security, of which there is no such thing because every asshole in this nation just easily buys a gun at Wal-mart and shoots everybody dead.
I hate it so fucking much, we're an idiot nation full of domineering assholes. It is so stupid. It is so primate. Monkey monkey monkey monkey monkey alpha ape ape power control dominate ape ape ape.
People act with respect and social grace in other countries.
I've bowed my head and acted with respect to all these insane law enforcement officials. I was too young to collect names and numbers and report them all. I thought it was just the bad luck of the draw, or forgave them their idiocy.
That was a mistake as this cesspool is now more murderous than ever due to them focusing all their efforts into picking on harmless, productive citizens such as myself.
They're just a bunch of dipshits forgiving of guns and violence and monkey tone, but insanely paranoid about drugs.
It is so sick. Sick, sick, sick. Just as much, it is so stupid. Stupid is as America does.
I held it in so long and I just can't anymore. I was treated horribly. Dozens of drugs searches. Never any drugs found, because I've never purchased fucking drugs! So many other citizens probably had similar experiences to me.
I don't know how to fix a lazy, stupid, insect species that can't get anything right and is constantly fighting. How?
What do I do?
How do I fix it?
I always treated every abusive strip-searcher of me with respect. That got me nowhere. They never apologised for pegging me wrong, as happened 100% of the time on these illegal narcotic searches.
What a bunch of fucking illiterate monsters.
The tone was horrifically unkind, immature, territorial, and unprofessional. I'd love to see some professionals as police, but I never seem to meet any. Just some gross asshole who played too much sportsball in high school and now has to take his hatred of folks who read actual books, and work harder than he or she ever did... out on the innocent of the world.
The only time I've had a professional encounter with a police officer was the time I called one myself. SHE did a very good job. I just wanted to ensure I was within the legal limits of decibels at the time, as I was making some music...
Doesn't anybody want to be a hero? Why do they all want to be abusive tyrants? Why is this country megaloaded with murder? Assholes with guns as far as the eye can see, killing each other willy-nilly. Why? Why? Why? Why is it so fucking stupid and evil? Why is this country full of spoiled rotten cops and spoiled rotten murderers... only the cops aren't even fighting the murderers, they're searching for marijuana in my asshole?
I'm not shitting on the cops for the reason the herd does. It's a personal fucking thing. I make my own narratives rather than glom on to readymades. It's seeing the results of policing in America and how homicidal America is that makes me think I fucked up by sucking up and taking it.
Because I sucked it up and took all these violations of my body, all this paranoia about drugs, over and again from these asshole cops...
None of the real crimes and threats got solved...
I'm sure they also see me as a Democrat, and therefore decide to just abuse and toy with me. Well, if they've been treating the whole country this way based on their political bias, instead of doing their jobs like grown adults and professionals, no wonder the whole country now hates them!
We're now a pisshole country en route to the 3rd world, more murderous than Argentina, and it's all because I didn't pipe up and say our law enforcement and border security is a joke, obsessed with my anus and whatever pills they falsely think I, an American citizens, are bringing back from Canada. Such a fucking sick, fucked up world, and if these monkeys, our insectoid species, isn't even going to TRY to do better, just dominate and control and botch everything as all of North America perishes in gunfire, I better pipe up to say listen, dumbfucks, read a fucking book, get a clue, do your damn jobs better, this is sick, you are stupid, get out of my ass, get your hands off me, go find a criminal, the whole country is roiling and rolling in them, you nitwits, they run out and commit a zillion crimes and never get arrested, you're so fucking lazy and disorganised that you're just up in my anus? So fucking sick!
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tikien · 2 years ago
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#OpenLetter
An Open Letter to one of the Immeasurable Secret Mistresses of my begone Big Love:
Feel like Spread the word? Please do.
Share your thoughts? Oh yeah.
But above all, do what you, Yourself want to do with it.
Nothing is as it seems...
Xx Caroline
Hello Milly,
I am a woman of truth, I always favour truth, purity, however cold or cruel or hard the truth will be for me. It means I can then move on without wasting my time of being fooled by lies intended to preserve my feelings.
I do not have any control over your behaviour and I absolutely have no desire to carry that burden.
But I refuse, I will not tolerate, not indulge your disrespect for my children and me, ánd indirectly for all of my dearest ones who I love. (Not to mention your children, your parents, your 'loved' ones, the world where we live in.)
Your rudeness Milly, your dishonour, your inpurity, indelicacy. Your betrayal for all those years, it is dísgusting to me Caroline, a woman you don't know 'Kak' about. But what you dó know, is that you were cocksucking my husband and screwing around with him for years!
You were my backyard neighbour. You lived and sneaked around behind my back, literally backbiting. Twisted story this, but don't worry bearded darnel, to me, you, is only a small piece of my total reality.
The day my husband started cheating on me, by having disgraceful frustrated sex with a forever unenlightened number of women and with you, he started to take home theirs and your sick negative energy. Into my life! Into my home! Affecting my everyone! And affecting my everything.
At first you two met at your secret meeting point, the fishing spot. And while others around you were having real fish pleasure (and getting free performance) you were fishing rotten fish, in my pole.
Not to speak of your pathetic text messages when approaching my husband. Like the code-sign which you two agreed.
Luckily you do not have a partner to hide for.
The secret-code-sign was to use the . (the point), when the initiative was yours. My husband then would always have an excuse like: "Oh that's someone workrelated, it was probably unintentionally."
(Note: I've read my husband named you 'Trackreceipt'-and then mentioned-'the name of a big workrelated company' in his phonecontacts. He also identified you as 'AaaaaFucker', 'Overaged cocksucking whore', 'Assfucker', 'Suckwhore' and so on. Most recent your label was only 'Whore'. Sorry for the awful accurate words, I just read history.)
Well, the pointless points . .
You texted a lot of unintentional ones . .
.
.
.
.
Childish cleverness.
But it must feel exciting right? To have that bond? Oeehhh a little secret-code-sign between just the two of you, between you and my husband?
Later on you got more confident (misplaced). Texted him things like "Fishing game?" and "You have my heart". Or did you mean "My hell is yours"?
You felt secure enough then to get your knees dirty and fooling around with him at your own place.
Just a couple of meters distanced from you, literally behind your back, I was there, at home, waiting my husband to come home late from work. Oftentimes proudly yearning for my 'hardworking dedicated' husband.
If I had only watched my back I could have smelled, heard and seen you two fuck buddies. A perfect Satire!
Eventually you had no dignity at all anymore. You felt entitled to enter and to fuck up My Home!
Do wrong to no one Milly!
And let me be very clear again: Never Ever enter my property, or even put one foot in my garden and in my house ever again!
You watched and spied on my husband our kids and me. For so many times.
I saw you once, watching us getting into our car. Openly spying at us. (secretly eyeballing). Hanging on your balcony while smoking a cigarette and patting your cat. With that smile on your face full of misplaced courage and selfishness and your imprudent bodylanguage. Now it all makes sense to me. It was too risky for him to look back, hein? Ánd you knew, it made you feel excited, powerful, what a sick mind games.
Did it make you feel great to 'have' that power?Did it make you feel happy? Didn't you think of our emotional wellbeing at all? That was totally not in your interest, right?
What do you feel every morning when you wake up? Are you capable of taking a real look into your own eyes in the mirror? To look at your soul, who you are for real? That includes your darkside.
Well, do you love yourself? As a human being? As a mother? Maybe a grandmother? As a daughter? Do you love yourself as a friend? As a secret mistress? Do you?
And do your loved ones know about the pure Milly? How you live your life for real? Or is it all fake what's in your life?
Do they know that your ego, your self-interest is your foundation of morality?
If they don't, they cannot help you and you will always continue to live your life feeling empty and lonely. Loveless loneliness causes addiction and if you can't bond with other people you'll bond with the source of your addiction.
As you know already I unexpectedly caught you in flagrante delicto recently.
Seeing you skilled sneakin' through the bushes, entering my house by the backyard. And flee out of my frontdoor, like a trapped thieve, after I entered my own house by the back, out of the blue.
What the Heck you think you were doing?!
The minute I left my Home with my children, out of necessity, you thought you had a Chinese bucket to enter my property more freely? And enjoy my house more and more?Which still should be the save and peacefull home of my child!
You really thought you had a free ticket to infect the love in my house which was put in by my loved ones and by me?
Enjoying your stolen time and drinking the liquors which I brought into my home? Malibu mixed with orangejuice is what you drink, isn't it.
The sexual slackness you had with my husband has little to do with being conscious, and no love at all.
Sexual intercourse, being intimate with someone should balance each other, sharing tenderness, gentleness, sensitivity, pure vulnerability, trust, acceptance, respect. Grounding an inner connection, strengthening a boundless soul bond, and creating more unrestrained pure extased love energy.
Sex divorced from love is the thief of personal dignity.
Did you really think you had my permission to befilth and pollute my house with your unhealthy body and your unhealthy soul?
You knew better all along, referring to your way of entering my house, pourly dressed and experienced-bush-worming.
Respect other people's feelings Milly, even if it doesn't mean anything to you, it could mean the world to them.
And maybe, maybe you have to speak it out loud. Look at yourself in front of the mirror and say it:
"I am Milly, I am 50+ and I sneak through bushes. I am a practicing christian and I secretly enter and pollute a place where I do not belong at all. I know I hurt others because of my desire for sins, but I do it anyway just to meet up my fuckboy. I am proud to be a secret mistress!"
How does that feel? To be honest with yourself? That's what it is.
You two had real great times hanky-panky in my house, hein! Suck facing, roughhousing, having tear-jerking-fairy-tale-junkfood-dinners-for-2, under my cosy sheltered porch.Drinking some vanish-all-boundaries-booze by heavenly candlelight. Did you take a good look at the light? Did you stare into the flame? And at the picture? The picture shining next to this always burning candle?
The picture of my deceased father, me and your secret fuckboy? How shameless romantic, getting off by that. Disgraceful sickening.
You have serious problems Milly. You're not healthy, and by saying that I mean you have mental issues (and therefore also physical inconveniences). You have no self-respect, no self-esteem, no self-love and no dignity at all.
What about your infantile loveletter you put so brutally in the car of my husband?
Your words, and a red heart with a stethoscope on it, printed on paper.
That's a good advice for you Milly: To listen closely to your heart and maybe you should use the stethoscope. It is often used to listen to heart sounds.
Within the letter you put a golden key with a red ribbon on it.
And your words to him:
"The key is to use to the entrance of my heart, might you ever need it don't hasitate. For a fishing-game on the familiar place. You will always be here, if you'll ever come or not. Think of you. Your secret mistress."
So, it's necessary to use a golden key with a red ribbon, to open your heart? Wow! Amazing!!! My heart Milly, is freely accessible for love, no key needed.
The familiar place? The fishing-you-and-cocksucking-my-husband-in-a car-spot is a well known (read: save and happy) place for you? For a woman of your age, are you happy by that circumstances? Seriously?
Your secret mistress? Uou must be very proud of yourself, hein? Nicknaming yourself his secret mistress to him. Is that what you admire? Or desire? Betrayal and secrecy. Superb Milly, really magnificent. Noteworthy!
You sneaked around my home, putting your hopeless non-attractive-begging-for-the-wrong-attention-love-letter into his car, while we probably were asleep next to each other, only a couple of meters distanced from you. Inglorious humiliating.
How does it feel to walk willingly into a dark path? It seems so unsophisticated to me and without any shame. Rotten and greedy.
What did you feel when you heard of our divorce? You felt delighted? Finally, after all those years? Whoohooeewww. The party is on. And when you noticed our home went for sale? Ohhh yeah!
Does it make you feel blessed?
Knowing that you are partly responsable too, by inflicting your pain on others? Are you happy with the havoc you created? And don't you care about the people whose lives you have shattered?
No guilt? And now? While you read this, does is still make you feel delighted? Satisfied by your desires?
Always be honest with yourself Milly, so you can learn to respect yourself, to love yourself and to have some self-worth, Amour Propre.
For real, you must feel miserable being a fossil fuckgirl. It makes you lose your values, your character, reality and it isn't love at all. You gained lies, deceit and stolen affections which didn't ever belong to you.
Right after the moment I caught you red-handed, skulduggery in my house, I waylaid you at the back. Waiting for you to pass by on your pussyfooting way back home.
And there, after a couple of minutes, I saw you in distance. Walking towards me like a waddling duck and shiffling forward slowly. An insecure piece of human full of guilt, head pointed down and slumbed hunched shoulders of poor confidence, untruthfullness and pain.
'Flawless Miss Piggy on her too highly raised heels off the ground' and ‘Nellie hippo squeezed in 2 floating rings to keep her from drowning', were crossing my mind for a moment. Poor you. I felt your sadness and shame so deeply it overwhelmed me. The extreme sad anger, the negative energy you exposed almost made me puke.
When I stared into your eyes I saw they're coloured rarely and extremely beautiful, but not like a turquoise sea, which could be. There is no peace in your eyes Milly, your eyes didn't look pretty at all. What your eyes exposed to me made me feel godforsaken miserable.
I told you that very moment never to put one step, one foot, ever again in my garden or in my house again. Ever again!
I was very clear to you Milly: I forbid you to ever enter my property again.
You said you understood. Yeah, sure you understood. Shameless you. Leave your own shit in your own shithole and don't drop it in my place.
You do not have any respect for me or others. You dishonour my being because of your own selfish desires. It's embarrassing you're that desperate.
Let me stir up this textmessage, a message from you to my then husband: "Ready soon to fish I hope, I'm waiting my parents to leave".
This is the respect you have for your parents?Being busy with your fuckboy while they're in your presence? And hoping them to leave soon because of your desire for fish? Unbelievable. You actually should have to enjoy the precious moments of reality and be thankfull they're still in your life, for such a long time.
Did they harm you in anyway? Didn't they show you good moral behaviour? That, if you're about to do something and you want to know if it's a bad idea, you should project it on yourself first?
Do the right thing Milly, even when no one is watching, it is called integrity.
The relationship you set with yourself sets the tone for every other relationship in your life, you have with anyone. So, see every problem in your life as a lesson for you to make yourself stronger, more loveable, happier. Thén you'll never have to play the roll of the victim.
That's where you good at right, playing the victim? Hoping that it's giving you the attention you desire for? It's not ever gonna make you happy.
Desire, Lies and Secrets are like a cancer to the soul. It eats away what's good and leaves only destruction behind.
Have you ever really questioned yourself? What you were doing? And what the concequences could be? Also for other people, who don't want to be involved? Which you knew all along, but you left them no choice. My children? Your children? My parents? Your parents? My siblings and their families? Yours? My sincere friends? Your friends? All of my dear ones who are in my heart? Me myself?!
You inflamed love, kindness, temperance, humility, wisdom, respect, diligence, patience, justice, trust, self-temperance, innocence, acceptence, courage, believes, hopes, grace, caritas and so on an on.
People like you Milly are a pain in the arse, a plague, by protecting the purity of children. Children must not be cursed by emotional immature harmful and abusive 'adults' like you. By you poisonned beings. You bedevilled their purity. You sparked off a piece of their childhood. Giving them the inescapable burden of seeing their parents' grieve which they cannot understand at all.
Do you think children have the ability to see the light in the fact that there are people in this world who harm innocent people who they don't know because of their own ego? That these people can even be your own neighbours or your loved ones? Do you think they can cope shit like this?
Sounds really logical hein? Who wouldn't understand?
Lots of 'grown-ups' do not even have the awareness of understanding the poisoning conduct of people like you, people who suffer from mental disorder.
How did you guide your children good moral in life without them seeing any?
Do you realize how much strength it costs? Strugling every day to stay pure, strong, loveable and unconditional? As a mama? As a sister? As a friend? As a daughter? As a human being? To be a happy person? Who loves life? Pulling yourself out of a poisonous situation with someone you loved so deeply? Do you have any idea?
I think you do know the feeling, the feeling of being deeply betrayed yourself. That has happened to you in the past right?
But you never were strong enough to face yourself and no courage to search in your own past, finding out what causes your pain.
Instead of getting better you got bitter. You started to inflict your pain on others, in your selfish pursuit of your own satisfaction of ignorance.
It is a working-your-ass-off-duty, an almost-unbearable-mind-growing-battle, a very-lonely-bewildered-struggle-not-being-able-to-verbalize-properly.
I can tell you that for sure Milly, as an 'experience-expert'.
So, don't ruin other people's happiness just because you can't find your own. And before hurting others, ask yourself what is really hurting you.
I have viewed your social media to see if I could learn. You remember this post you shared with the whole world?
"You can't change the world but you can make a difference."
Is this the difference you want make Milly Making this world a little more rotten?
Practice what you preach or change your speech.
This world would be a better place to live in, if we learn not to play with heads and hearts of others. If we stop hurting peoples' feelings. If we all make ourselfs strong enough never to lie, no matter what the situation is. If only we all would learn to be true.
I read you are a daughter of god, a practicing christian, a pearl in God's hand? “You know that the Father knows you? You know that you are of value? You know that you're a pearl? A pearl in God's hand!"
Do you know the deeper meaning behind this Milly? Read about it. Is that the base of your morality?
Your profilepic and some other recognizable selfies made me wonder.
Why do you share your selfies on social media after sending this exact selfies first to my then husband? With your sweet tooth texts. I mean the ones you made with my husband in your thoughts or in your presence, you know? To show the world how happy you 'seem' just seconds after you went down on him? And to receive compliments (read: get false validation) of how beautiful you 'look' in that state.
Nothing is as it seems right?
Black can appear white when the light is blinding but white loses all luster at the faintest sign of darkness....I know.
And what about all the other things you carry, which cannot bear the daylight and are still hidden in the dark? Waiting to be found by you or to be taken into your grave someday? Your secrets, that are no big deal to anyone but to yourself.
You as a christian should benefit the precious advantage you have versus heathen. The ten commandments: very simple but very valuable fundamental guidelines, to live your life meaningful based on ethics and worship. And the seven Holy virtues, they cure the seven Capital sins, didn't you know?
You should take benefit from it and use this to leg-up properly. Mortal sin, I guess, is a refusal of God's offer to live and love. It's a sign of emotional immaturity, abusive and it should never be excused or tolerated. You are a pathatic lost woman who really needs help.
Everybody makes mistakes, through all of our lifes. And we all do some things sometimes we are ashamed of and regretting afterwards. But mistakes Milly, mistakes are meant for learning not for repeating.
There are going to be very painful moments in your life that will change your entire world in a matter of minutes. These moments will change you. Let these moments change you a stronger, smarter, kinder woman. Not a selfdestructing one who tears herself and others down.
Feel offended Milly? Insulted? Ashamed? Hurt? Humiliated? If so, realize it's your warning indicator showing you where to look within yourself for unresolved issues.
All of this is my perception, my opinion, the truth is whatever you think is true, I can only make you think.
But for you Milly I hope, just for your own sake, that you'll once be brave enough, strong enough and pure enough to change your heart of stone for a heart of flesh.
Love comes in miracles every day, like weakening the strong, challenging the weak, making fools of the wise, and wise ones of fools, favouring passions and obsessions, destroying reason, and in other words Love is turning tables every day.....
My sarcastic mirror of your own rudeness. Provoked to go love yourself. It is my gift to you Milly. A taste of your own medicine.
Wholeheartedly,
Caroline
What’s The point⚫️
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theothermrdevorak-blog · 3 years ago
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ok so...
i don't really have a very extensive following so if i reblogged an ask thing i would get about 0 replies so i have screenshots and i'm just going to answer all of these together. i'm not sure who's questions these are so if you do please let me know so i can credit.
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1. feliz percival ansari (devorak)
2. libra-virgo cusp
3. he has light walnut coloured skin which is peppered with the faintest freckles that you can't really see unless you are up close. his eyes are dark grey with flecks of green and amber. they are slanted and narrow. his jawline is quite sharp and long. his lips are big and he inherited them from his mother. his hair is jet black, loosely curly and falls into a middle part which is always a little bit in his eyes. he is muscular with broad shoulders but not dwayne johnson muscular.
4. 24
5. he wears a lot of blue and green with loose fitting tops and tight fitting pants. he tends to wear a lot of layers.
6. a purple sash woven with magic from asra.
7. the side of his nose and a couple in his ears.
8. a crystal necklace around his neck for protection and strength, rings for special occasions.
9. a water lily behind his ear. he also has henna on his arms quite a lot.
11. lavender, sage, thyme, and cinnamon tea
12. his necklace, his sash, a cup of cinnamon tea, a jar of lavender and sage.
13. dark green hare.
14. air and light based magic.
15. fire based magic. he finds it painful and difficult to control. it only seems to work when he's angry.
16. air.
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17. prior: wide open planes of long grass and flowers with warm rain pouring down gently.
afterwards: the same but the rain is cold and there's thunder and lightning. there seems to be shadows everywhere and it's quite hard to make things out that are far away.
18. yes he's a pangolin named jafar but he also gets jeff. i could probably try to think of a deep reason that his familiar is a pangolin but the truth is that i think they're cool. he lives in the attic of the magic shop eating roaches but feliz lost his connection with him when he lost his memories.
19. he tried to as a young magician but asra stopped him.
20. not really very well. he gets pissy and snaps at everyone so he tries to isolate himself as much as possible. he sort of just has to wait it out.
21. death reversed. he is resistant to change.
22. talli, pakistan. he was born in his parents bedroom, his father delivered him.
23. blue or green
24. grey
25. right handed but performs magic with his left.
26. mostly serious but liked to be a little on the mischievous side. he wasn't often caught and therefore never really got in trouble.
27. strict and firm but they loved him a lot.
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28. yes. 2 younger sisters.
29. not really anymore but his family used to be very close.
30. rats, the dark, abandonment.
31. gay cisgender male.
32. has a mild allergy to peanuts and is a little lactose intolerant but ignores it and does what he wants.
33. nope.
34. he's started having anxiety attacks since the memory loss because he finds it hard to cope.
35. very strict. he is tidy as heck.
36. topaz.
37. bay laurel.
38. summer rain.
39. snow.
40. winter (summer)
41. 4. english, urdu, spanish, hindi. he can still speak all 4.
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42. he used to sing a lot with his family and isn't bad. he can also play the piano and the spoons ;).
43. his feelings :').
44. he's almost always on 100% stress level but *ahem* a certain doctor *ahem* can help him *ahem* relax *ahem* *ahem*
45. chocolate chocolate chocolate!
46. he won't sit facing away from the doorway and he always has to be the last one out of a room in a group of people.
47. he acts very cold towards new people and often catches himself interrogating them. he's not the type of person to show affection very openly. but when he's warmed up to you you can tell. he's a little less uptight and he doesn't seem to see you so much as a threat. he makes little jokes and doesn't seem quite so uncomfortable with your presence.
48. love, knowledge, power, money, fame.
49. dr julian devorak
> spend time with friends and family
> cooking
> practicing magic
> playing piano
50.
> be a part of any sort of violence
> hurt anyone
> making a mess
> being told he's wrong.
51.
"for the last fucking time put ______ away when you're done with it"*
*about just about anything
"of course it was just a joke i love your ass"
"i don't want you to start arguing with me, i want you to tell me how i can fix it,"
"... only if you're sure we can get away with it,"
"i would ask you to tell me if i give a shit but it's becoming abundantly clear that i do,"
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52. he's always the first one to back out he doesn't believe that conflict solves anything and he prefers to try and think of a logical solution.
53. he pulls out his hair when he's too stressed and pushes himself too hard to complete a task. he sometimes skips meals when he's distracted.
54. he comes across as arrogant and bad tempered (but he isn't really), he snaps at people when he's under a lot of pressure and he keeps his feelings in until they start eating away at him.
55. his tidiness
56. he's generally ok with how he looks but he can't believe anyone would find him attractive.
57. he can be a little cheeky but generally he's quite respectful.
58. his parents
59. he's really good with kids. he loves entertaining them and he finds them entertaining too although they tire him out.
60. he wants a big family with lots of kids.
61. he's pagan so he worships the divine goddess.
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62. he thinks the meaning of life doesn't matter and that you should just take each day as it comes.
63. he would want to tell his family that he loves them.
64. he would want to have a family of his own and see them grow up.
65. for being a good father, husband, and a good person.
66. he's not openly affectionate. he just does small things to show he cares.
67. usually nothing because he's always in a hurry. sometimes he has cinnamon tea if he has time.
68. yes he really loves spicy food.
69. ;)
fruit: mango
vegetable: peas
70. occasionally.
71. he drinks alcohol quite often. he doesn't seem different when he's drunk usually but he can get really touchy and giggly.
72. black tea, one sugar, half a cinnamon stick. doesn't drink coffee.
73. cucumber.
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74. he likes anything pickled which is probably pretty weird.
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kpopsenarios · 4 years ago
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Can you please do a Joshua smut scenario where you're traveling in a car with the members and since there is no space you're told to sit on Joshua's lap and Things kinda heat up there and he gets a boner and when you both go back to the hotel room you both shared BANG THE REAL THING STARTS. I hope this doesn't sound confusing😅 Thank you❤
Hi there! sorry for the long wait~ This ended up being a really long scenario, well a lot longer than I expected! hope you like this and requests are still open. We will be working through requests slowly. Do not hesitate to send one in or if you just want to give us some feedback that will be much appreciated. 
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Packing your luggage, you managed to squeeze all your belongings and essentials into the a rose gold suitcase with you initials on it. The suitcase was gifted to you on your 13th month anniversary by your beloved man Joshua. 
This will be the very first time traveling overseas with Joshua. You’ve been so excited, you couldn’t sleep for many days. And finally, today is the day to depart. You picked out the best outfit from your wardrobe and made sure it wasn’t too extra to ensure no one catches Joshua drooling over you! 
 You and Joshua have been keeping your relationship as a secret due to the different positions you have. You are his make up artist and he is a member of a famous Kpop group named Seventeen. The last thing you want is to ruin his career, therefore you’ve been very careful about exposing your relationship to others. No one really knows, not the staff in Pledis, and definitely not the other members of Seventeen. Just you and Joshua…and his mother who accidentally caught you two in his apartment.   
You begged for this chance to travel with Seventeen to their next world tour destination. The CEO was sick of you calling every morning so he agreed for you to join without knowing the real reason behind wanting to go. 
Making your way to the airport where you’ll finally get to meet your boyfriend… and his members and the other staff. You took your time as you stroll towards the crowd you belonged. As you approach you heard a voice calling “She’s over there! Y/N noona~ hurry! We have to check-in together!” It was no other but Seungkwan. His voice made everyone look in your direction which you kinda thank him for because you spot your boyfriend straight away. 
He looked perfect! He was dressed in a white collar shirt with a long black coat and ripped jeans. You gulped at his appearance, not knowing where to stare. Joshua saw you and waved a little, trying to hide his happiness from seeing you on the same trip. 
The check-in process was fast and the plane ride was even quicker. Time with Joshua by your side seems to always fly. It was so hard to contain yourself knowing he was so close, you wanted to be next to him every second but the situation wasn’t allowing you. He would casually come and peek on your cheek knowing everyone was asleep then return to his seat asap. This made you want him even more. 
At last you landed at your destination. The crew made their way out of the airport and of course… past all the fans of Seventeen. “This is always such a mission” you hear one of the other staff complain. You surprisingly didn’t mind much. You enjoyed watching the boys being showered with love, especially Joshua! For you he deserves the best he can, and seeing him happy was all you ever wanted. 
“Seventeen! These two vans are ours! Get in one quickly. We are heading to the hotel now” the manger yelled at Seventeen to pick up their pace and hurry into the van. “Staff just hop on a van that has space! We have to leave now!” The manager seemed to be frustrated as he directs everyone to get in the van. 
Without knowing, you hopped on a van and the first person that comes to your sight as you enter was Joshua. “Is there still space?” You awkwardly asked. “Y/N noona just get in! And close the door! We’ll make space” Vernon says to you knowing if you waste anymore time their manager will flip. 
Shutting the door behind you, you looked at Joshua, he giggled to himself as he watches you freeze by the door. “Theres actually no more space but I wouldn’t mind if you sit on my lap?” Joshua offers and smiles as he drops his bag on the floor. “No it’s okay! I can just stand” rejecting his offer you waved your hands in the air hoping he would stop. “Just sit here!” Mingyu pulls you into his lap as he finishes his words. You were shocked by his action which made you jump off his lap. You soon apologised for being so rude. “Sorry Mingyu! I didn’t mean to be rude but you caught me by surprise” Mingyu looked a bit offended and replied “Fine… go sit in Joshua’s lap then stop standing around” there was a salty tone in his voice but you know that would be the best choice to prevent any misunderstanding. 
You slowly moved towards Joshua and he sat you down in his lap. At first, everything was normal. The ride got longer and longer, and the members slowly drifted to sleep apart from Joshua who had his arms around your waist as safety belt. The space between you and Joshua eventually closed. You leaned against him comfortably feeling like home. Before you know it you could slightly feel his member raising in his pants. Silently you turned to see Joshua’s face which was now bright red as a sign of embarrassment. You loved seeing Joshua feel uneasy, you wanted to tease him as a punishment for making you excited on the plane so you adjust your position and started to ride on his thighs. Rocking back and forth, you tried to create the least amount of noise but gaining all the fun you can.Joshua shuffled in his seat, his grip on you was hard but you didn’t mind. He held onto you as he watches you rub against his thighs from the back, his fingers sneakily finds it’s entrance to your pantie. His touches made you shiver, as soon as his fingers reach your womanhood you hear him quietly whisper into your ear “So wet already?” His voice was driving you crazy. You wanted him in you badly. 
The van finally arrives at the hotel after a long two hours. You managed to act as if nothing happened and zip up your pants when no one was looking. “Y/N here grab Joshua’s luggage and help him find his room. Your room is next to his so make sure you keep an eye on him and make sure he doesn’t creep out” the manager hands you the key to both your’s and Joshua’s room. Before you could ask any questions he pushes you out of the way from the rest of the members. 
With the help of Joshua. You transport all the luggage to his room. Shutting the door behind him and dropping his bag, he grabs you from behind. “At last! We are finally alone! Been waiting for too long… fuck you are such a tease” He speaks out his mind. “Aren’t you going to help me take my stuff to MY ROOM?” You laughed knowing that won’t even be considered. “Come here you bitch” Joshua throws you to the bed. You love it when he swears! It shows you how frustrated he was and now he is finally allowed to let it all out. “Did you have fun sitting on Mingyu’s lap?” He questioned you, insisting for an answer. You tilt your head and smirked “Yeah that spilt second was sooooooo good! I could feel his dick under me… his dick was pretty big” your answer made Joshua furious. 
It wasn’t the answer he was looking for but you wanted to be punished. It was your plan. “Oh really? Should I show you what else is big?” He spat out the words as he takes off his coat and shirt. You lied on the bed admiring his toned body, he wastes no time, grabbed your hand and tied it together with the shirt he just took off. “I’ll make you cum so hard tonight, if I don’t I’ll change my last name to yours” his words hit you and you realised you just got your self in ‘BIG TROUBLE’ 
Joshua jumps off the bed, opened his suitcase and searched for a while… you waited patiently on the bed with your arms tied. He pulls out a pack of condoms hes prepared, and chucks them onto the bed, before he joins you, he took off the rest of his clothing.“Now who has a big dick?” Joshua asks you as he lies on the top of you. “You do! Please… give it to me!” Your voice was shaky, he wanted him badly from a long time ago. His hands travel up and down your side. His touches were gentle. He proceeds to undress you and as he does he plants kisses on every inch of skin that was revealed. His kisses left marks, it was marks to show others you belong to a very special person. 
He unzips your pants and yanks it off. He then spreads your legs wide apart to see your pantie all wet. “This is what you get for teasing me in the van” he moved to your womanhood and started licking it through your pantie. It felt like heaven, his kisses and his touches made the whole trip worthy. “Please fuck me!”  You couldn’t wait any longer, you watched him slide off your panties and teases clit with his dick, he eases into you and watched your eyes widen.“Omg, Josh… it’s too big! Wait… omg.. holy shit…” you took his whole length in one go, he left you no time to prepare. You moved your hips to adjust to his length, he stops you by holding tightly onto your waist. 
His thrust was hard and fast, your walls clenched tightly onto his dick. Every thrust hits your G-spot making you moan louder louder each time. “I’m going to cum… omg baby- you feel so fucking good! Fuck me, oh my god… fuck me harder” the words came out before it was processed by the brain. You were so close to cumming but because of your words Joshua did not slow down instead he thrusts even faster. You cum not long after your words. Joshua continued to work his way into you. Deeper and harder each time, you wrapped your leg around him hoping that it will give him more pleasure as he enters. “Fuck baby! I’m cumming too, oh fuck tell me you want more!” Joshua orders as he finally cums into you. 
You both collapse, he collapses on the top of you. He didn’t bother pulling out his dick. You could feel his cum overflowing and dripping on the clean sheet of his bed. “Oh my god Joshua… that was amazing! You started the trip in the best way I could ever imagine” you kissed him.“So who has a big dick now?” Joshua nibbles on your neck and mumbles. “You do! My legs are still trembling thanks to you” you laughed and told him. “Just make sure your hands don’t shake like that tomorrow while doing our make up” he jokes with you. “No promises!” You turned your head… and saw a box of unopened condoms lying on the other side of the bed.
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Admin Mi.
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