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naruto-oc-critiques · 6 years

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Hanoka Saima

Review under the cut! It’s long~

Name: Hanoka Saima (Hanoka means “harmony flower” in Japanese. Her last name means “Fasting woman” in Arabic.)

Gender: Female Age: 31

Time set in: Gaiden

so you mean Gaiden as a kid, then to Naruto’s age as 31 right? do you mean she lived through the Wars? If so, please do consider how her mental/emotional state has been affected by the wars, and do think about what she contributed. Kakashi is 25+ in the anime during both series, if Hanoka’s childhood is set around the same time as his childhood, she’s gotta have gone through the wars.

Birthplace: Kujakugakure village

You should also give a short background of this village in the later character biography. Where a character grew up is also very important to their development, and what happened to this village later on? Did it’s fate affect Hanoka’s future personality?

Lives in: Konohagakure(The hidden leaf village.

Appearance: Hanoka has a average pear shape body type with some muscle in some areas like the legs, arms, thighs, upper stomach, etc. She does tend to gain weight but because of exercising and yoga, these burn away later on. Height of 5'8|161cm, weight 56.8kg.

this is a bit nit-picky, but it’s alright to have a shinobi character be all muscle, and described as muscular, because they are always exercising and working out on their missions, during training, all the time. Unless your character is a veteran or a resigned shinobi, which I did not see anywhere on the bio. It’s actually rather unrealistic for a working shinobi to not be muscular and lean.

Medium dark tan skin color with water blue eyes and black coal hair. She has a black Peacock bird like marking with long feathers that’s going down her left shoulder and arm. The feathers are colored in to show her status of which elemental chakra she’s able to use or has learned during her years of training.

these peacock markings… I hesitate to call it an alarm bell for me, as it’s ok to have birthmarks and colored markings, since a lot of Naruto characters have them, but having them individually colored and represent something is a little overboard. It just seems arbitrary at this point, since later on you do not give any reasons to why she has a peacock-shaped marking, nor why this marking lights up when she learns new chakra releases. Furthermore, no such thing has been viewed to happen in canon, and it seems like something plucked from another series.

A way around this is to give her a peacock-shaped birthmark, nothing so large, that all her clan members have, and leave it at that.

She has a second mark on her lower stomach with circle curve markings around a stretched thin oval with 2 spider like waves on each side. A symbol for blood or a curse that’s given to her by Lord Osamu.

You might think I’m being very nit-picky right now, but this is starting to worry me. A curse mark that’s described with words hinting at beauty “circle curve”, coupled with the peacock tattoo above? This is starting to sound too pretty to be functional. I advise you to change the description of this curse mark into something more dangerous sounding. ‘Jagged lines’ would be a start. Understand that what I’m having issue with is not the existence of the curse mark, rather how it’s being presented.

Theirs also some old scars and burns on her skin due to her unstable chakra getting out of hand and because of the years of missions and training she’s done while growing up.

Her hair grown much more longer but she cuts it to have it stop below her waist up in a ponytail with the rest twisted, having a silver ribbon tied at the end. She still wears her peacock hairpin to this day. Hanoka wears a blue and black short sleeved silk kimono shirt with a inner top inside showing her shoulders with knee high pants but bandages are seen wrapped around her right leg.

Fashion choices aside, remember: utility is a shinobi’s highest consideration when choosing apparel. For Kurenai, she’s a genjutsu master, hence her outfit is a direct boost to her genjutsu techniques — that’s why she wears them. From what you say here, it seems Hanoka is very exposed to projectile injury and also has no shielding going on. Unless this is her civilian attire, be sure to change her attire when going on missions.

She has black med high heel shoes. Hanoka wears a black neck strap and her rose bracelet given to her by her father with her dog tag necklace. She doesn’t wear her ninja headband anymore but it’s hanged on the wall beside her village’s own headband.

High heels are bad and not conventional. Do not follow what Boruto has been doing. RL dancers might wear high heels when they dance, but that is an aesthetic choice. When your life is dependent on a split-second reaction, do you really want to worry about whether you’ll land right? A shinobi also needs stamina. High heels are a killer on the foot. Unless Hanoka is a seductress, please do not make high heels everyday wear for her.

Also, ninja headbands are like ID’s. If you are an active shinobi, you must wear it at all times. Unless you are retired, or there’s some special occasion.

Another point: jewelry is pretty and all, but they dangle. Neck strap is fine. Bracelet is also fine. Dog tag necklace? It’s going to get snagged easily. I also advice you to keep emotional keepsakes at home during missions — what if she looses them?

Family: Tomi Saima (Father), Suki Saima (Mother), Kiyoshi Saima (Twin brother), Miyuki and mizuki Saima (Mizuki is deceased/DIA), Hiroki Saima (Adopted son) Occupation: Medic kunoichi/Owner to the silver rose sweet and catering shop

Please give a timeline to her occupations. It’ll help you as well.

Rank: jonin

Team: Hiroshi Murakami and Eiji Tsukiyama/Umeko Akiyara (Sensei)

Friends: Akane Akumushi, remaining family of her clan

Personality: Hanoka was very quiet, timid, and very shy when she was younger but if someone spoken to her, she’ll open up to them when feeling comfortable near them or wishes to be friends. In her clan, she was invisible to the villagers because they didn’t want to get involved with Hanoka since she’s a third born. Because of this, Hanoka had low confidence in herself but also very emotional in hopes to prove she isn’t bad. She’s a cheerful, pure spirited girl with a big heart, caring to help another in need and offer a hand. She even tries to cheer up anyone who is upset and be there for them if they wanna talk or get something off their chest. Hanoka tends to show a colorful side of herself to others while keeping her faithless and miserable feelings in the back of her head since her mother always say to stay strong. Over time, her confidence started to get stronger.

This is a good description! I like how nuanced she is, but you have to give a reason why her confidence grew. You see, a person’s confidence has to be built up. It doesn’t just appear from nowhere, nor can they will a confidence into themselves. Personality quirks like this is very situational. Who helped her? What inspired her? In order to make a better character, this has to be done. In fact, you can even reference this event, whatever it is, later on in her life, as an inspiration to not give up.

She’s always open minded to listen and hear another person’s ideas and thoughts but she tends to be a free thinker herself. That could explain how she gained more wisdom while growing up. Hanoka always shows her loyalty to others, show them she’s trustworthy, and show her respect and kindness to them.

So…she’s a Naruto clone? Very similar to Naruto? Despite Naruto maintaining his cheerfulness through his childhood trials, I wouldn’t call him ‘gaining wisdom’ through his childhood stuff. I’d actually call him insensitive (the first season of), and also badly developed (Boruto).

She’s always serious and cautious on her missions or if a situation becomes bad and dangerous. She’s always organized with teamwork to her teammates Hiroshi Murakami and Eiji Tsukiyama so they are close like family. Same with others if she’s assigned with them being close allies to her. She always sees eye to eye with her team and others but even she has disagreements on some things. Hanoka has a short temper that’s passed down to her from her mother but its not as bad when she was a child. As Hanoka got older, she still gives a helping hand to someone that needs it. Others have seen her more energetic and positive than before.

later on you say she has big abandonment issues and fear of failure - how does this translate to the planning stage of missions? does Hanoka try to hide her fear? suppress it? or does her teammates know, understand, and help her deal with it, and how so, if they do?

another inconsistency here: if she’s got a fiery temper but is still agreeable to the point that she agrees w all her friends (’sees eye to eye’)…that’s a little unbelievable. so when does she blow up, exactly? how does the reader know she’s got a huge temper, even if it was when she’s a kid? or perhaps her friends have been w her so long, they’re used to it, and her them, to the point that they know each other so well, there’s rarely disagreements?

and if she has a bad temper as a child…why was she shy? perhaps she’s shy to others, but blow up at home, or in private? if so, write it down so you don’t forget all these intricacies against each other.

I like these intricacies, and perhaps you didn’t want to clog our inbox with huge chunks of text, but these personality interactions should be written down.

She’s always dedicated to get a smile on someones face but feels the people she cares about always comes first because their important in Hanoka’s life. Hanoka has really opened up to everyone, including her clan and family when some saw her for who she really was. Hanoka has started to unwind from the ties of her past to look ahead to her future, she has more compassion and a stronger will but her serious side was stronger. As to her loving side, she is still looking for love. Now, she’s gotten more wiser and calmer with herself that she’s usually always working with her shop but always active with customers and other villagers in konoha. She’s more motherly, happy, and in peace.

this bit sounds alright so far! however, you should keep in mind that Hanoka ‘used to be’ a shy, timid girl, because she felt overlooked. Self-esteem issues like that might have consequences, like relapses, in the future, so even though she seems confident of herself, a possible internal conflict can be a return of her self-esteem issues. I think you should consider this possibility when crafting her adult personality.

However, she shows a different side whenever her other self, Hanoki, is out.

alright. I’m putting my foot down. everything else can be fixed for the better, but this part about a Hanoki? throw it out. throw it out. split personalities are a serious mental issue, and from all the overlooked details I’ve been catching from you, you have enough on your hands to be developing a split personality, too. Also, having a ravenous, angry, dangerous split personality is very indicative of a shallow character, and a potential Mary Sue.

If you really want to keep Hanoki, you should insert her personality onto Hanoka at some stage of her life, and have a character arc of Hanoka overcoming this bout of violence, instead of making it a split personality. Having a split personality spells many, many difficulties down the road, as you will see.

When she’s Hanoki, her whole personality completely changes. She becomes ignorant to others because she thinks their obstacles getting in her way. She also becomes cruel, careless, cold, barbaric, angry, and emotionless. She takes great pleasure to cause fear to someone for fun or just to make fun of them. Hanoki never holds back with telling someone the cruel truth or discouraged thought about them she dislikes. In honest words, others sees Hanoki fearful, grim, sadistic, monstrous, shallow, and even possessive. That’s why Hanoka does all she can to be sure she’s more in control so Hanoki won’t always appear.

A little more on Hanoki, in case you weren’t convinced. Why exactly, is there a Hanoki? Your description of Hanoka’s background and history didn’t seem any different from the typical overlooked clan child, so what was so severe that it triggered a split personality? You have not given an adequate explanation of Hanoki’s existence. Is it from trauma? Is it an inherent condition? If so — if its a condition, surely it can’t just be controlled by Hanoka being calm enough. If you want to explore the medical side of this, I strongly suggest you take at least a google search for bipolar disorder.

Furthermore, this is going to impact Hanoka’s in-field performance. If she has a disorder like this, where a split personality that is volatile and violent comes out, there is no way the authorities will let her be a medic-nin. Medics need to be calm, helpful, efficient. Hanoki hinders that performance.

Also, be mindful of serious mental illnesses and do not belittle them by using them as a way of making your character stand out and/or do things she typically wouldn’t do.

Likes: Hanoka loves making new friends when she’s on missions and in her shop. She enjoys singing with her pet Shin joining in sometimes.

I did not see a Shin anywhere before this. Please, have internal consistency. When did she get this pet? What is it?

Her customers or some villagers would see her making sweets to pass out to them or the children. Even she has a strong sweet tooth to make them for herself sometimes. Hanoka plays music for fun or for the kids that walk past her home/shop since it’s soothing. She loves lillies to have a small garden in the back and in the shop. She enjoys the warm sunshine during the say and the cool air of rainstorms. She finds foxes, wolves, dogs, and cats interesting because people in her clan see them like good luck pets.

slight thing to consider: perhaps limit the types of animal considered a good luck charm for her clan? maybe limit it to either felines or canines, or certain qualities of a dog/cat. It seems slightly unlikely that a clan would see such opposite creatures (canines v. felines) as both good luck charms - unless there’s a legend or something that you didn’t write here. Also another pointer: when crafting a clan history, you might want to consider looking at a map to determine the geography of the clan’s home. What animals roam there (wild dogs, wolves, foxes, etc) can influence what a clan sees as good luck and bad luck.

She’s every active and excited when spring, summer, winter, and fall arrives. That’s when she makes her season baked goods for people. morning walks, day/night,Green tea and water.

When is this? I’m going to assume when she’s an adult, but, like I said in the very beginning. If she lives in Konoha following the Gaiden’s timeline, no matter if she grew up during the Gaiden timeline or she was an adult during the Gaiden timeline, there are wars. What did she do during them? How can she support a business when she’s an active shinobi? And she has to be an active shinobi during wartime. There is no way the three wars she’s potentially in (Second, Third, and Fourth) will let an able-bodied shinobi (you said she’s a medic-nin?) sit around selling sweets.

Dislikes: Hanoka does not like it when her cooking and baking gets messed up or ruined by something which is why she becomes so focused to get it right. She hates it when others do evil pranks or is having evil intentions toward something she cares about. Same with others making fun of or hurting any of her friends and family. Others that tend to show off makes her feel annoyed and irritated to walk off somewhere. Or getting the urge to hit and yell at them. She hates being called annoying or a curse from others in her clan because some believe Osamu’s words of third born. It also makes her remember the times no one wanted to be bothered by her. She dislikes sour things because her clan can become very ill and sick from eating or tasting anything like it. That’s why she keeps it out of her food but if it’s needed, she will add the required amount and lets her customers have a taste.

sour things? interesting. Is there a background to this? or just a quirk? does it affect her performance as a kunoichi? from what i know, prepackaged rations can sometimes be horrible enough to classify as ‘grue’. what does she think of this?

Fears: As a kunoichi, Hanoka tends to have some fears that’s hidden deep within her. She has a fear of being rejected by someone that does not know the whole truth/story or even misjudged before getting a chance to explain herself. She feels weak or not strong enough if she fails a mission given to her because it makes her think that she’s bringing herself down. When that happens, she’s seen over training to her limits to get stronger again. She has a fear of letting her team, her allies, friends, and others down when she feels weak. She hates when she becomes like this because it lets others see her weak side of herself.

have you explored the ramifications of having that fear? does her fear of failure act as a self-fulfilling prophecy, or does it act as motivational fire to make her brash/dependable on missions? does she train to the point of burnout? and if so, what happens? does she blame herself? is it a positive feedback loop that needs outside help to break out of, and in that case, what is her mentality during that phase? would you call this confident?

chase these questions! it’ll help your character.

She has a fear of loving someone while growing up. When Hanoka has feelings of love for someone, she either finds them getting hurt or killed. Because of that, she feels a bit upset or unsure to say ‘I love you’ to that person. She almost feels like saying and feeling love just makes her remember the ones that loved her die in front of her like her mother, sister, and others she cared deeply for. Hanoka fears herself when becoming Hanoki from either a serious blow to the head or her anger. Hanoki has tried to get Hanoka to listen to her because she's weak-willed. Hanoka ignores her as best as she can but she can still hear her voice each day. She didn’t want to be the one to hurt anyone she cares about or worse, get killed by her own hands. All her life, Hanoka deeply fears of being alone that everyone just leaves her or don’t want to do with her ever again.

So…you should clarify that she’s not overlooked by her family but the villagers, only. She’s got a warm and loving family, from what I understand at this point.

In that case, perhaps she wouldn’t have so many abandonment issues / fear of failure, since it’s very likely her emotional support during the crucial teenage years is present. also, if she’s so unlucky to have her loved ones die right before her eyes, where is the mental imprint of those horrible, traumatic memories? is her cheerful demeanor as an adult an attempt to deal with this? how does she deal with this guilt? lots of questions you should explore.

Her fear of snakes came from a mission she had with her team. She was trapped down a bottom pit by some missing ninjas but they tortured Hanoka using a genjutsu to have her see a pit filled with snakes that was biting her or moving down her throat. She became paralyzed in fear when her teammates found her later on. That fear is still strong to this day. She also fear spiders but this fear happened when she was a child as people has tried to trap her in a room full of them. This fear is just as bad as snakes so if she sees either, Hanoka becomes scared, paralyzed, and pale that she bends down to grab her hair shaking.

some very serious issues here: you just said that she became more confident over time, but from what I understand of the human psyche, true confidence in oneself doesn’t come from repressing emotions, it comes from opening up. perhaps you might want to consider exploring fake confidence? like a front, a persona Hanoka puts up in front of her friends and the public, but actually she’s a wreck underneath, with all sorts of unhealthy issues.

History: Hanoka Saima is the 3rd born child to Suki and Tomi Saima, twin sister to Kiyoshi saima, and the baby sister to Miyuki and Mizuki Saima. She grew up as a healthy and curious child that wanted to learn many things of the world she lived in but it was hard. While Hanoka grew up, she learned about being a third born was seen as taboo and never knew some in both the Akumushi and Saima clan members didn’t approve of it. It was because of a rule made by the Akumushi leader: No family was to have no more than 2 children but she and others believes this was false. She wanted to prove that she was like everyone else by always trying her best in school, being friendly, showing kindness, and show she’s equal but some never saw that of her. Even the teaches saw she was struggling in class to simple tasks to where they failed her. Hanoka was met by the saima leader that night after school, saying it was lies because he believes she was a blessing, giving her hope.

I like that there’s this stupid arbitrary rule of ‘no more than 2’ it’s so like clans. but one issue: how do these “people” know for a fact that she is the third born? If she’s a twin, why’s she the one picked on? why not her sister? Does Hanoka understand this, and does she resent her sister for this? Or is she glad to take the disapproval on herself, sparing her sister? And where was this twin when Hanoka’s down? Twins are supposed to be inseparable, supporting each other, and perhaps even becoming so used to operating as a pair that they develop unhealthy reliance on the other. Where is this in her growth?

Also, there has been absolutely no mention of a twin prior to this background dump. Please, have internal consistency to what her support network was, and why, if it seems that her family didn’t move with her, that is the case.

And make it very clear who was bullying her when she was young.

Another thing. Why are the villagers afraid of her when it’s the clan that has a prejudice against the third born?

Hanoka started training everyday to grow confident in her self but it was slow as the village and Osamu Akumushi saw hanoka still making mistakes. Osamu explained the reports to her mother of things she’s done as getting in fights or getting in trouble for self defense from others. Suki knew that but told them she just sensitive. Sadly, he refused to listen, leaving the house but it lowers Hanoka’s courage and encouragement a bit. Hanoka knew she didn’t mean to do such things but she thought everyone was beginning to ignore her. She still did her chakra practice with her mother and was able to pass it after months of practice. She even has a medallion to prove it and shows everyone and the Saima leader that she can do it. After she passed her test from the following months, she started to get sick or rather pass out from overboard practice.

Hanoka was keeping up her strengths but didn’t have many friends since they were avoid speaking to her.

again: why is this happening? shoudn’t the no third born thing be confined to the clan? and if she’s so hurt by this, why isn’t she talking to her understanding mum and twin sister? do they hate her? and where’s that fiery temper? how does she handle this? explode? implode? … inconsistency.

She thought if they talk to her, she would get them in trouble. She was still training each day but that also started to scar her back and other places but hat didn’t bother her because she still helped many people, even helping her friend Akane to show she’s not so scary and some believe her. During that night, Suki was teaching Hanoka new things but she saw a old book by her older relative. They have this old tradition that spoke of the clan bloodline. Every relative in this family gains new abilities to get the chance of using a even higher doujutsu; Ketsuekigan the second stage to the Yosogan. Hanoka never knew this and asks her mother about it. Suki explains it but said she was too young. She had to wait and grow before knowing it. At age 8, She saw Osamu giving her books, scrolls and notes to study all about the history of her own family. Hanoka saw the jutsus were more advanced and dangerous ones that requires her own blood but she will learn more later when she’s older.

You hit Mary Sue territory with the doujutsu. Please change this.

Hanoka was scared of Osamu since he was a more strict teacher but angry at him for yelling and discouraging her. No matter what she did, Osamu never saw her to change and stay just as useless being a third born. He was so furious at her for messing up with her lessons and not focusing on her chakra control that he almost hit her but she accidentally wounded him using a kunai. Stained by his blood, she looked down with scared eyes and ran home that night. They thought of locking her up but her mother refused as well as the leader. Hanoka was worried to what Osamu will do to her but tried practicing to keep herself busy till she was warn out. When she went home after training, she saw the Mamoro, the people, and her mom were having a argument of something. They said missing ninja came here a while ago because they sensed someone’s chakra that grew unstable, believing someone lost focus to lead the enemy here. Villagers were outraged by this and thinks Hanoka did it because she was the worst in keeping her chakra low and was out training.

Mamoru Saima tries explaining its not her fault but everyone didn’t listen. They wanted to banish hanoka from the village. Suki refused as she held her girls but mamoro saw enough. He and the saima clan left the village but saw Osamu replace Mamoru as the village leader. Mamoro said he will find a new place for his clan as they traveled to a new location in the land of water but suki decided she was taking her girls to live somewhere else because she feared everyone was still mad at Hanoka so she and them head to Konoha. After she turns 10, Hanoka lost her mother but Suki told her to stay strong even if she died.

Hanoka has lived her life as her mom said to her, wearing the dog tags necklace she got from her. Now she hopes to be the kunoichi to prove she has changed to a new person.

Abilities: Hanoka is known for fighting with hand-to-hand but fighting with two weapons. However, she’s doing all she can to get used to her bloodline’s kekki genkai: the yosogan, Ketsuekigan (second stage), and Kowaregan (Third stage). Water release is Hanoka’s main elemental chakra use when starting but over time she leared fire and wind release in shippuden. Earth release was then Learned in Last, and Blaze Release/Crystal freeze release/lava release is being worked on but she did learning in Gaiden.

Please. This is too much things to attribute to one girl. Didn’t you list her as a medic-nin? How can she know so many releases and have the time to hone her craft as a doctor? Even med school is long and torturous, and they only need to study medicine, not combat, application, and infield first-aid.

Strength: Hanoka’s good with her genjutsu and taijutsu thanks to the training she did while growing up. She is working on better control of using her weapons and using ninjutsu. She’s got better on using the three but as she got more older, her focus was working on using her Kekkei genkai a little more better as well with the kinjutsu. She’s always planning ahead and crafty with her hands while working with fixing some other things. It’s the same with her training her physical strengths as well as a child and while growing up.

Interesting. Hands - is that a like? Is that why she eventually opened a shop, making things?

Weaknesses: Because of her trying to keep her chakra in control and stable, she has to always practice her chakra control to keep her self balanced every day to a whole week. She tries being careful when using her Ninjutsu or genjutsu because it makes her weak too quick from using a lot of her chakra. If she gets too weak, then she can’t do her summoning and her Fuuinjutsu. This can also mean the use of her Kekkei genkai that can be a strong but it can be the weakest to her. Overusing the kekki genaki can mess up the nerves system of the eyes but over use can make it spread through out the body’s other nerves, damaging her from within.

This is very important: why isn’t her chakra going out of control a fear?

General comments: consistency is a major problem. too many things. make a timeline. separate the things. factors - external, internal, passive, active. a lot of things to work on, but the separate things are solid. I do need to stress the general inconsistency of your character, though. It’s too much of a hodge-podge of traits thrown together, but no personality, no depth.

She’s way too complicated of a character. Depth is good, but this is just a mess. I’d say, separate her traits into different characters — I don’t know what you have planned for the family and friends, but you can definitely offload some of the traits to them instead of having it all on Hanoka.

Your character is way too overpowered and the fact that they have a powerful dojutsu AND access to these Blaze/Crystal/Lava Release is just way too much.

- mod Ln

#submission #Naruto OC #mod Ln

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