The Fantabulous Vacation of One Harley Quinn and Her Girlfriend Poison Ivy
Rating: T (suggestive themes, cartoon violence)
Fandom(s): DC Comics
Ship: Poison Ivy/Harley Quinn
Summary: Harley's been burning the wick at both ends and Ivy knows just the thing to help. But it takes more than just a change of scenery to get Harley to let go.
Note: Commission for @rookie009
“You’re probably wondering Mr---Watchman--”
“Tockman.” Mr. Watchman spits. “William Tockman.”
“Why I’ve brought you here today.”
Mr. Watchman rolls his eyes. “I imagine you’re going to tell me.”
“Ah! Good. You’ve stopped struggling. Progress, Mister!” Harley boops him on the nose. Maybe she made the binding too tight? “I’m not cutting off your circulation, am I?” She leans in close. “Are you comfortable? I need you comfortable.”
“I’m tied up in ropes, wench!”
“Ah, see! This is what I’m talking about!” Harley sits across from him and his fainting couch, pulling her pen from her bun and making a heading on her notepad. “You have a whore madonna complex.” Chewing her pen, she murmurs, “perhaps from the trauma of your wife’s death? Cystic Fibrosis, was it?”
Her new patient says nothing. “Mister?” Harley glances up. “Willy?”
“Help!” William Tockman dangles from his left ankle, suspended in air by a beefy vine. “She’s gonna kill me!”
“Oh please. You’re hardly worth the trouble.” Ivy steps around him and the vine, brushing the dust off her hands. “Hi Harls!” How she got the vines up this far on this abandoned apartment building, Harley has no idea. But it sure has a lot of brick to climb.
“Ivy!” Harley doesn’t so much as hug her as ram her at full speed.
Her target, used to such behavior by now, braces for impact and manages to hug back. Harley takes a big whiff. “Mm. Jasmine?”
“Lilacs.” Ivy peers over at Clock King. “You...uh, busy?”
“Mm yeah. A little tied up at the moment. Or he is, at least.”
“So I see.” Ivy chews her lip, staring out the window as if she had left a reminder there. She makes a face as the draft stirs some of the painting tarp discarded on the floor. “I was thinking maybe we could get out of town for a bit.”
“Are you asking for help, Billy? Or do you prefer Willy?”
“HELP ME! THESE WOMEN ARE CRAZY.”
“Great!” Harley says brightly. “Admitting you need help is the first step towards healing!”
“Harls? Are you even listening?”
“You need help dismantling another CEO along with his company?”
“Fundraiser for conservation efforts?”
“Pride pre-game with Kitty?”
“Harleen.” That stops Harley short. Ivy never calls her that. Mostly cause she hates getting called Pamela with an undying passion. Probably childhood trauma. But Harley digresses.
Ivy sighs. “Sorry. Look. I need a vacation. We need a vacation.”
“I need help!”
“SHUT UP ALREADY.” Ivy and Harley say it together, and Ivy waves a hand, muffling Harley’s captive, er, patient with a particularly broad leaf.
“Mm... I’m a little busy--”
Ivy glances at Tockman, finally. “I can see that.”
“Lemme look at my calendar. Mmm.. maybe...next year? Definitely the one after that.”
“I know, I know. But there’s my derby team, missions with Task Force X, the Birds of Prey, my day job--”
“I know.” Ivy takes her hands, gently, and squeezes them. It’s the softness that stops Harley in her tracks. “It’s why you need some time off.”
“Shh. I already have plane tickets and a hotel booked. You don’t have to plan a thing.”
Harley can’t help the blush creeping up on her cheeks. “Aww, shucks, Ives. When are we leaving?”
“Now. The plane’s departing in--shit. We gotta go.”
“Oh, right.” Ivy releases Clock King with a patented thud as she shoves Harley out the door. “Bye!”
“So, we’re we goin’?” Harley pushes the arm rest out of the way and rests her chin on Ivy’s shoulder. She glances at Ivy’s phone as if it’ll give her some clues. She spots a sudoku puzzle. “Japan?”
Ivy gives her a look. “Really?”
“Er….my mom’s? Please say it’s not my mom’s.”
“It’s not your mom’s.”
“Also, why would we fly to your mom’s house when we could easily drive? Or take a commuter bus?”
“Good point. Mm.”
Ivy smooths Harley’s hair out of her eyes. “It’s a surprise.” She snatches a quick kiss before the flight attendant rolls by. “You’ll love it.”
In this moment, Harley’s pretty sure she’d love anywhere as long Ivy’s there with her. She’s lit up by the light of the tiny window behind her, and her crimson locks glow like an angel’s. But Harley knows well enough that neither of them are anywhere close to innocent. “Say, how’d you get us past security?”
Ivy winks at her.
Her lover mockingly brushes her own chest like a scandalized church mouse. “I would never!” she snorts. “They’ll be fine. Just a little dazed and confused.”
Harley leans her head on Ivy’s shoulder. “I know the feelin’.” And really! Harley’s proud of her. Ivy’s never been one to follow rules or care for humans. But she tries for Harley. Why she bothers when Mistah J never seemed to care, Harley has no idea. But it means the world to her.
The taxi drops them off in front of a large revolving door. But it’s not the gold handles that capture Harley’s attention.
It’s the lush plants growing from every nook and cranny on the place. Harley bets Ivy could spend an hour naming all of them (scientific names and personal names.) Butterflies and hummingbirds in every color of the rainbow--and the faint buzzing of bees. A solitary stream crosses their path, and a wooden bridge stretches over it. Garden terrace after garden terrace rise up from the ground to an open-air cafe at the top.
And behind the walls and the hotel proper? A waterpark.
Harley’s eyes go as big as saucers. “Ivy! You shouldn’t have!” She squeezes her into a hug.
“Thanks, sweet pea, but I can’t breathe.” Ivy manages to get out.
“Oof, sorry. Here ya go.” Harley releases her, and Ivy pecks her on the cheek.
“Best part is, they’ve a zero-carbon footprint and they’re waste free.” Harley rarely sees her grin so wide.”
“They call it The Greenhouse.”
Their first day at the resort passes in a blur. Harley shows Ivy a good time in and out of their bedroom. They go snorkeling in the ocean, ride the rides so many times Harley ends up upchucking their picnic at the beach, then make love at sunset in their honeymoon suite. Harley wonders if the management thinks they’re--well, they’re as good as, aren’t they? They don’t need rings or a wedding or a place of their own or--
She blinks. Ivy only calls her that when she’s worried. Harley realizes she’s been staring at the chocolates on their pillows for God knows how long. “Yeah?”
“Of course!” she says automatically, pulling Ivy into another kiss.
Ivy kisses back, then runs a finger down her cheek. “You’d tell me if you weren’t, right?” The setting sun makes her hair even redder, which Harley didn’t think possible, and Harley finds herself toying with her curls.
“Hey, I’ve been wonderin’.”
If Ivy notices the change in subject, she doesn’t mention it. “Yeah?”
“How come we haven’t seen any other guests? And how come we haven’t been arrested?”
“Oh! That.” Ivy waves a hand dismissively. “I rented out the whole resort.”
“With what money??”
Ivy shoots her a wicked look that sends shivers down Harley’s spine. “Ace Chemical’s investment fund.”
“Ooooh, you’re naughty.”
Harley dives in for another kiss but Ivy puts a finger to her lips. And doesn’t let her suck on it. Rude. “So, are you going to tell me what’s bothering you?”
“Since we’ve got all this extra cash, wanna make a run at the casino? I hear they donate the proceeds to rainforest restoration.”
“Alright.” Ivy sighs and reaches for her dress. Harley has a sinking feeling that she’s going to bring this up later. Maybe if Harley’s lucky she’ll forget about it? Yeah. Ivy forgets things all the time.
“Last one there buys the first round!”
Ivy and Harley sit across from each other, an immaculate brunch setting between them and two mimosas. Her lover’s plate sits almost empty, and while Harley’s lies largely untouched. She keeps playing with her veggie egg white omelet, but the next bite never seems to make it to her mouth. “And then we can go for a walk on the beach later! Have you seen those beds? Right there on the water? Mm. Do you think anyone would hear us if we--”
“Like, the sound of the waves would cover it up, right? Mm. Maybe not. I’m loud. Not as loud as--”
“Harley, no. Stop. Stop.” Ivy presses her hands on either side of Harley’s face, drawing her to a standstill and inches away from her. “You don’t have to do this.”
“I want to!”
Ivy gives her a sad smile, shaking her head gently. “You don’t have to impress me, Harls. I love you.”
Harley, in typical Harley fashion, vibrates with energy. “But…I want this to be special. As special as y--”
“This vacation already is special. Cause you’re here with me.”
“But--” I’m not that special, Harley wants to say. But she knows Ivy won’t let her get away with saying that out loud. She wants to crawl underneath the tablecloth and hide until Ivy leaves. They always leave in the end. Once they get what they want. Mistah J--
“I love you, Harley Quinn.” Ivy takes her hand, gently, rubbing her thumb over her knuckles. “I’m not going anywhere.”
And maybe. Maybe it’s that she doesn’t know what to do if Ivy stays. It’s easier to love someone who doesn’t love her back. It’s safe. Ahem. Emotionally safe, Dr. Quinzel says inside her head. For once, Harley has nothing to say. She’s too busy trying to keep the tears from falling.
“You don’t have to do anything. I already love you.” Ivy bites her lip--the way she always does when she’s thinking hard. Like how best to resurrect a drooping petunia or a rose bush that has a pest. She takes a deep breath, steeling herself. “And if it’s not too much--too early--to say this: I always will.”
“You proposin’ or somethin’?” The words tumble out of Harley’s mouth before she can stop them. Her cheeks feel like they’re blushing as bright as Ivy’s hair.
“I…” Ivy’s eyes widen. “I-I don’t have a ring on me.”
Shit. Fuck. ShitshitshitFuuuuuuuuuck. “I’msorryIdidn’tmeanit.” “It’s way too soon.” Harley puts on her best brave face--the same one she always put on when Bats showed up and Mistah J magically was nowhere to be found. “Marriage is so outda--”
“Harley.” Ivy puts her entire hand over her face. “Quinn.” “I never said I didn’t want to marry you.”
“Who wouldn’t want to marry Harley Quinn? You’re amazing.” She traces her eyebrows. “You’re the smartest person I know.” Boops her nose. “You’re impossible to kill. Holy fuck.” Runs her fingertip across her bottom lip. “You…” Ivy presses her lips together, looking down at the table. “You helped me love again when I hated everyone.”
“Pam.” Fuck, she’s getting misty eyed.
“I mean it. I was ready to wipe humanity off the map and start over.” She laughs a little, her voice rough as she wipes her cheek with the back of her hand. “But then you came along and nominated yourself my new shrink.”
“Don’t give me all the credit.” Wow, okay. Maybe she’s more than just misty-eyed. “You saved me too. From Mistah Jay. From Bats. From what woulda been a really boring life.”
Ivy’s smile slips slightly. “You’re not gonna die on me, are you Harls?”
Harley squeezes her hand. “Nah. You’re stuck with me.” Her words come out a little thick. “For richer or poorer.”
Her lover leans in close, capturing her lips in a warm kiss. “That’s usually pretty literal for you.”
“It’s true! Guess I’ll have to see if Ace or maybe Lexcorp has any funds they won’t miss. I need to get that ring soon. Garnet? Spinel maybe?”
“Aww, shucks. How am I gonna be surprised now?”
Ivy scoffs. “If it’s a real surprise, it’s not a good time for a proposal.”
“But what if I want to be like those girls in those Tik Toks? Like where you propose to me but like I got my own box in my pocket?”
“Harley. A ring box wouldn’t fit in your tiny ass pockets, and you know it.”
“You know what would fit in my shorts?”
“Harleen Francis Quinzel.” Her laughter dissolves in a kiss and Harley pulls her back to their suite. They got a lot of planning to do. Though Harley has a pretty good feeling they’re not gonna get a whole lot of planning done today. But Harley’s okay with that. Pam’s always been the top of her to-do list anyway.
Ok, if you didn't see my last post, you should cause this relates to that. (You can find it on the Bat Kid AU tag)
But if you don't want to read it, it's basically a No Cape Batfam AU where Damian still becomes a hero called Bat Kid (unwillingly).
So, in the No Capes Bat Kid AU Most of the villains stay the same.
Scarecrow, Two Face, Penguin , those guys stay the same.
SOME DO CHANGE
THIS IS HOW
So, in the Au, The Joker never comes to be, because Batman never existed (he probably fucks with some other hero tbh), so because of this, Harleen Quinnzel never falls in the bleach, meaning she never became Harley Quinn.
Over time, she would transfer out of Arkham, and transfer over to a private school in Gotham to become a Guidance Counsler (👀). However, her time in Arkham made her realize how the system treats mentally ill people, and as she works with mentally ill children teachers didn't want to deal with she realizes it's a problem.
Feeling helpless and not knowing what to do, she turns to her friend Pamela Isley. She met Pamela through a joint friend, Bruce Wayne, who had been in both of their classes since he never dropped out of college. They hit it off instantly. She trusts Pamela with her thoughts because they've been through a lot. Pamela convinced Harley to leave Arkham and Harley convinced Pamela to switch classes when her teacher begins to harass her.
Pamela agrees with Harley, and then she shares her upsetting thoughts.
See, since Pamela never became Poison Ivy she became a reasearcher at the FDA or something. Over time she began to devolp an invention that allowed her to control how a plant moved, and force the plant to grow more quickly. Her male colleague was jealous of her findings, so he burnt all her research, destroyed her invention, and got her fired.
Pamela and Harley realizing the world kinda sucks, turn to their friend who started it all, Bruce.
Now, Bruce can't help. He doesn't know how, BUT his girlfriend might.
So he takes them to see his girlfriend, Selina Kyle.
See, Selena Kyle is still Catwoman in this AU, she still steals. (But that's not why she knows Bruce (that'll be a whole other post)).
So when she sees these two women Bruce is friends with, who are desperate to fix the world she's like, 'Yeah, ok, I can work with this.'
So she turns them to villainy.
It's not really villainy.
See, their working to clean out the Police Force, and make men who use women and destroy science face punishment.
They do this using ✨brute force ✨
And they beat the shit outta some bad people.
(They do steal, but they always donate half to charity, so... 🤷♀️)
But, yeah, that's how some (👀) come into the scene.
However our Girl Boss Trio eventually chat he's the eye of one Edward Nigma
Realizing that these girls might be able to slove his puzzles he begins to kidnap inoccwnt people to get their attention.
HOWEVER it gets Damian's attention, and Damian...
He doesn't solve the puzzle, he just punches Edward before he can get it out and frees everyone he kidnapped.
So now Edward, who has now donned the Riddler name, becomes obsessed with forcing Bat Kid to solve one of his riddles.
(That's all I can come up with, but if you have an ideas for the AU and it's villains, message me or drop an ask or something. I need someone to talk to about this!!)
( @learobinson22 since you asked to be tagged!!)
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