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#Health issues make food complicated

cobaltperun · 4 months

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Lost (9) - Lost

Tara Carpenter x female Reader

Summary: To anyone on the outside, and to Tara’s friends, you were Tara’s fierce protector, the MMA fighter who’d take anyone on for Tara. The Guard Dog, as Amber called you. You had no idea you’d have to protect her from people who claimed they loved her. It didn’t matter. As long as you and Tara had one another there was nothing you wouldn’t be able to survive.

Story warnings: Scream violence, family issues, trauma, angst, certain sensitive topics

Word count: 4.4k

Story masterlist / First part / Previous part / Next part

-I'm lost in these memories living behind my own illusion. Lost all my dignity living inside my own confusion-

You weren't born in Woodsboro, you moved with your parents at the start of 2012, about two months after Zack died.

Woodsboro was a strange experience at first, a small town, with people suspicious of anyone new. You didn't care, you were still shaken by the loss, shaken by being torn from the life you had. Looking back now, there wasn't much of a life there, but to a ten-year-old you that was all you had. Especially after losing Zack.

Two weeks into your time in Woodsboro you just walked around, figuring out where what was when you noticed a tiny girl pushing a bicycle and carrying a bag. She was alone, and she seemed to be struggling. Why was a girl who didn't look older than seven all on her own with a bicycle that looked like it would be too big even for you?

The girl your parents raised would have minded your own business and avoided any attention. Zack taught you to be better than that.

"Uh, hey," you approached her awkwardly. She raised her head when she figured out you were talking to her. The first thing you noticed upon a closer look were her expressive brown eyes and freckles on her face. "Need help?"

She seemed genuinely surprised, but at the same time looked weary. You couldn't blame her, this was the first time she had seen you. "No, but thanks for offering help," she gave you a small smile and walked by you.

Well, you weren't about to force her into accepting help. You offered, she didn't accept it, so you shrugged. But then she began coughing and dropped to her knees, her bicycle falling to the side as some of the content from her bag spilled out. You ran up to her since there was no one nearby to do it instead.

"Hey, are you sick or something?" you had no idea what to do, you were ten and confused and not used to situations like this one.

The girl nodded, pulling out something and taking a breath. Something that helped her breathe? "Asthma," she muttered. "I'm fine now, I'm sorry," you didn't understand why she was apologizing, but you began picking her things up. You noticed it was mostly food that was quick to make, like instant noodles, but you didn't comment on that.

"Hey! Stay away from Tara!" health complications weren't something you were used to reacting to, but sudden fights definitely were. You jumped to your feet, grabbing the fist before it could reach your face. The girl that attacked you was a few inches taller than you, and she was definitely stronger as she pushed you back hard enough to make you stumble and fall.

"No, Sammy, she was helping," the smaller girl quickly hugged this Sammy from behind.

"Oh. Sorry, I didn't recognize you, so," she trailed off, looking uncomfortable all of a sudden.

You frowned and huffed as you got up, really not liking that she went with the 'swing first, ask questions later' approach. "Right, I'll be leaving now," you just backed away and left the two. Hopefully, you won't run into them that often, because this was not a good first impression.

~X~

Something really seemed to push you and the girl together, because it only took a week at school to see her again. Or, well, she bumped into you.

"I'm sorry! I'm late for class!" she ran off before you could even comprehend what just happened.

"Huh, her again," you mumbled to yourself and then realized what she said. "I'm late!" there was no time to think about another chance meeting.

Ever since then, there have been small encounters, seeing each other in the hall, and coming across each other on the street. Never a conversation though, you still didn't exchange names, though the girl that attacked you said 'Tara' so maybe that was the girl's name.

The first time you spoke it was actually December of that year. So, nearly a year went by with occasional glances here and there, simply acknowledging that the other existed. The school had kinda awful karate class, but it was the only martial arts they had, so you went. Which was why you stayed at school after classes. It was a downpour outside and you were not eager to leave, but, there was no telling if the rain would slow down. So, you pulled your hood over your head and stepped outside.

That was when you noticed her, trembling at the entrance, soaked from head to toe from the rain, alone. Again.

"You'll get sick, at least get inside the school," you tilted your head to the side as you spoke to the girl.

She looked up. "Mom won't see me if I'm inside and she'll leave," the girl said as if it was the most obvious reason in the history of reasons.

"Since when are you waiting?" you asked, honestly hoping she also had some after-class activities because the alternative was her freezing in this rain for an hour and a half.

"Since school ended," yeah, you doubted her mother was coming.

You frowned, wondering if there were any alternative solutions. The school bus was long gone. You didn't know if the bus went near the girl's house and you didn't have a phone. "Can you walk?"

She shook her head. "I'm tired," now that you paid a bit more attention to her you figured you were wrong. She wasn't going to get sick. She already was. Her face was red and her voice was a bit raspy. And she just spent an hour and a half standing in the rain. "Mom isn't coming, is she?"

"Probably not. Come on, I'll take you home," you took your bag off and turned your back to her. "Get on," when she didn't you figured she maybe couldn't climb on your back as sick as she was, so you crouched down. "Sorry, I wasn't thinking."

"N-No, it's okay, I, I'm fine," she stammered, and you only held your umbrella out to her.

"You're light, I won't even feel you," well, you would, after some time, but you could handle it. Hey, it would be a good exercise. "I'm Y/N, in case that was weird because you didn't know my name."

You turned your head around and saw she had the same expression she had when you offered to help her when you first saw each other.

"Please, I wouldn't be able to sleep well if I just left you here," you tried, offering her your hand. Reluctantly she took it and took that step closer to you. Seeing that she agreed with your idea you went back to the previous position and waited.

"Thanks. I'm Tara," she sounded really shy all of a sudden. "I'm sorry Sam pushed you before," you wondered why she still remembered that when you felt her get on your back and put her hands on your shoulders. You got up as if she wasn't even there. Just how light was this girl? Definitely too light. Even for her age. You thought back to instant noodles, wondering for a moment if she had proper meals.

"Don't worry, as long as she doesn't do it again," you chuckled and handed her the umbrella. "Uh, my hands are kinda full, so if you don't mind?"

Tara nodded, taking the umbrella and opening it just as you stepped into the rain. It didn't shield you much, but it helped. "How old are you?" you figured you might as well pass some time while you were walking to Tara's house.

"I'll turn ten in a week," she said. "You?"

Ten? She was about to turn ten?! This girl? How?! She was tiny! You thought she was eight at best!

"Uh, Y/N," she squeezed your shoulder a bit.

You cleared your throat awkwardly. "Sorry, I thought you were younger. I'm eleven," you finally replied.

"Mean," oh, she definitely understood what you were implying.

"Sorry, sorry, look at it from the brighter side, if you were bigger I wouldn't be able to carry you home," you tried to cheer her up a bit.

"Yeah, that really makes up for being short," ooh, sarcasm, you liked that.

"Exactly!" you chuckled as if you thought she was serious.

Tara groaned and hid her face behind your shoulder, but you heard a tiny giggle despite the rain.

And that was the start. The actual start. Eventually, chance meetings would turn into quick chats between classes or at least a high-five and a smile as you passed by one another. By the end of the month, you sometimes walked Tara home, carrying her if she was too tired and just chatting and joking on your way home. It didn’t matter your house was in the opposite direction, because you enjoyed her company way more than whatever was waiting for you at home.

Before you knew it, sometime after the holidays were over, she was tugging on your sleeve to meet a group of kids that were a bit younger than her.

“This is Y/N, my best friend!” she introduced you and you couldn’t hide your surprise. You were her best friend?

“Hey! We heard you like karate!” one of the boys, Chad greeted you cheerily.

You could work with that. “Martial arts in general, but sure I like karate as well,” you grinned, though your grin dropped when he rushed at you. You just pulled Tara to the side and let him run by you. “Uh, what were you trying to do?” you asked, chuckling uncomfortably as he tripped and fell into the snow, causing the other three kids to laugh.

“I was trying to tackle you! You like martial arts so I wanted to see if you were any good at it,” he got up and brushed the snow off his pants and jacket.

“So, don’t rushed at her like Pikachu?” the girl that looked a lot like him, his twin Mindy, from what Tara told you, teased him, causing another round of laughter.

That was how it was back then. Chad had Wes, and Mindy had Amber, so, before you came along Tara was the kid with asthma they met because Sam used to babysit them that was now in their grade because she had to repeat a year. Amber took liking to Tara and pulled her into the group, but Tara didn’t have her own best friend at the moment. So, you filled that gap. You were her best friend.

You even met Sam, grumpy, though apologetic for pushing you. You didn't see much of Sam. She seemed to distance herself from Tara and you could see the younger girl was hurt by that.

That being said, Amber was still the one who gave name to the role you played in Tara's life.

About half a year into the newfound friendship Tara invited you to go to a picnic with her and her friends. It wasn't even going to be much of a picnic since there wouldn't be anything to eat other than some snacks, but it was a chance to get out of home, so you accepted.

You joined the group at the park and high-fived Tara before waving to the other four. "Mindy, Chad, Wes, Amber," you grinned and sat down next to Tara as the four greeted you back.

The day was going the same way it usually did, usual banter, usual jokes, Amber trying to keep Tara's attention on her, Mindy teasing Wes, Chad trying to get into a joke scuffle with you and you, of course, not backing down from said competition, all the while Tara caught you up with what happened to her over the past few days.

Eventually, Chad, bored and mischievous as he was, grabbed Tara's bottle just as she was about to take it.

Tara was still tiny, and Chad didn't have to try to keep the bottle away from her. "Just say please Tara," Chad teased her by waving the bottle just out of her reach.

Tara smirked a bit. "Please, right?" she asked and Chad, now slightly confused nodded. She glanced at you, smiling as she saw you looking right at her while you lay down on the grass. "Y/N."

You couldn't help but snicker as you sat up, really impressed by how bold she got when you were with her. Chad caved in before you had the chance to get to your feet and you all shared a laugh.

Amber shook her head. "I'm telling you all, Y/N is Tara's guard dog," Amber laughed to cover it up as a joke, but there was a bit of malice behind those words.

You turned to Chad as soon as the laughter settled down. "Woof, woof?" and the six of you were once again laughing.

It became a bit of a running joke, really, that Tara only had to say your name in some situations, and you'd be right by her side. 'Tara calls and you bark,' was the original joke. The guard dog never bites though because it was always with friends. It was always small things that couldn't lead to violence. Guarding Tara from a stray ball in the park, or keeping her from falling if she tripped next to you, small things like that were why Amber began calling you the guard dog and others accepted the nickname.

And then the joke changed into 'Tara barks and you bite', because the guard dog bit. You got into a fight.

~X~

You were a couple of months away from turning fourteen and you just found out your parents chose not to help Zack. Your father wouldn't help to pay for the medicine and Susan had no way of getting enough money. She was already in debt for medical bills and couldn't even sell the house. Your father came from money, not old, old money, but his parents were rich enough to help him get very rich. To the point where he wouldn't even feel the medical bills.

He and your mother, plain and simple, didn't want to do it. 'Good riddance,' your father said. 'No son of his was a barbaric, violent no-good fighter.'

Your temper was short, you could feel anger rising within you in less time than it took to snap fingers. That's how short your fuse was. Somehow, the only exception to that anger was Tara.

Woodsboro was usually quiet, but a new Stab movie had just released and some tourists were bound to come by. One of them got you to snap.

Tara had begged you to go see The Babadook with her when it finally came to your local cinema. So, you, of course, went with her. It was a good movie, though you probably wouldn't go to see it if it wasn't for Tara. Tara loved it though, it was her new favorite thing, and from the looks of it that wouldn't change any time soon.

"Man, that movie sucked!" someone complained as you were getting out and Tara turned around.

"No, it didn't!" she immediately argued, being with you gave Tara more confidence, the girl that was startled and timid when you met and when you finally spoke again that day in the rain was nowhere to be found. She was getting bolder, more confident in herself, and you being with her gave her that sense of safety that allowed her to act like that.

"What?" the guy that said The Babadook sucked was maybe two or three years older than you.

"It's a great movie," Tara declared boldly.

The guy laughed and was probably about to dismiss her, but then he raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you Samantha's sister? Tell your sister to get me my money for she'll know what," he suddenly got really serious and you stepped between him and Tara.

"Back off," you firmly stated.

"Yeah? Or what?" he challenged.

"Sam doesn't owe you anything," Tara said as she stepped next to you.

That, apparently made him angry. "Really now? She doesn't? So maybe you can give me my money?" he reached forward, and you just went and did it. You slammed a right uppercut into his jaw, and he fell on the ground. Security got called, he didn't want to call the police, for his own sake, and you got off with a warning from security and a year-long ban from the cinema. What a tragedy that was.

Perhaps it was because she could tell how tense you were, but that was the first time Tara held your hand as you walked to her house. It was a loose hold, but it was a hold, nonetheless.

"Sorry, I lost control there," could the guy get violent? Maybe. Would he? Perhaps. He still didn't exactly do anything that warranted a punch like that.

"It's okay, thanks for having my back there," she whispered and tightened her hold on your hand.

"Well, Amber does say I'm your guard dog," you chuckled, gradually calming down now that you were sure everything was okay. Rumors spread eventually and by the end of it, the tale of punching a slightly older guy turned into getting into a fight with two adults. Well, at least it got the message across. Don't mess with Tara.

~X~

You officially became her guard dog that day, but you couldn't keep her safe. Not from Amber and Richie, or their sick plan, not from the trauma, not from what she was feeling. You couldn't punch her way out of this problem. It made you feel weak and helpless, it was like an overwhelming weight you couldn't shake off, and a part of it was your fault. Because you betrayed her trust by not telling her about your troubles sooner, and now she couldn't believe you.

You glanced at Tara, knowing full well she was still awake. You were fairly certain she spent some of the night crying, but she never called out to you, and you weren't about to push her into contact she didn't want. Her pushing your arm away, even if you understood to an extent, hurt no matter how hard you tried to reason with that choice.

~X~

Tara thought everything was getting better, or as good as it could get, but it just felt like every time she felt things were about to get better something happened and made it worse. Sam was back, her mother couldn't help herself and screamed at Sam almost any chance she got. Tara's wounds healed, for the most part, her left hand was damaged beyond repair. Your heart was healthy, you were fine, you were forced to retire from MMA. It all came back to her. Sam would have left by now, or rather she wouldn't have returned in the first place if it wasn't for Tara. Her hand was self-explanatory. You would still have your career if you didn't choose to get involved with Tara.

A voice in her head kept telling her she was the one to blame. That she couldn't get her father to love her enough to stay. That she couldn't be there for Sam. That she wasn't there when you needed her. That Amber maybe wouldn't have done everything she did if Tara was a better friend and then a better girlfriend. That so many people died and maybe there was something she could have done to prevent it. That you nearly died and that she shot you and that she had no right to say anything about your mark being the only one she'll ever wear.

She curled up as much as her leg allowed her to and clenched the sides of her head, thankful that you were getting ready in the bathroom. She pulled the blanket over her head, fearing that she really pushed you too far this time. You didn't even sleep in your own bed last night. She curled the fingers of her right hand around the collar of the shirt she wore that night, your shirt.

Your apartment, your bed, your shirt, your mark around her neck. You were her safe space, yet ever since she finally had a bit of time to think about it, she ended up convincing herself she wasn't giving you anything in return. Or if she was giving you something back, it wasn't enough.

"Tara?" she didn't even notice you coming back. She wished you would just reach out and touch her, but as touchy as the two of you were you never initiated contact unless Tara saw it coming. It wasn't just since Tara was first attacked, that's how it's always been. She didn't move, she didn't want you to see her face right now.

She heard a sigh and then what sounded like you just dropping to the floor. Scared you somehow got hurt, Tara turned around and saw you sitting on the floor with your back pressed against the side of the bed. She could see how tense your muscles were even with the shirt you had on; she could see how exhausted you were.

You needed rest and Tara was convinced she was the reason you needed it.

You sighed and she couldn't remember ever hearing you sigh like that, like you were just about to reach your limit. "Tara, what do you want from me?" no, you were at your limit.

Tara, unsure of what exactly to tell you now, just went with the first thing that came to mind. "The truth. I want you to be honest," she only now realized how raspy her voice was. She reached for the water bottle on the nightstand only to see you already grabbing it and handing it to her, all without turning to look at her.

Your laugh was humorless, hollow, she hated it. "Well, there's our issue right there. You'll only trust a lie," you curled up, letting your forehead rest against your knees as your arms just dropped at your sides.

For a moment Tara thought that maybe, just maybe you were honest last night. That you really were fine with retiring. But she realized MMA wasn't just something you loved. She realized you did it as a way to remember your brother. "There's no way that can be the truth," she knew how protective of her you were, how you would keep what was bothering you inside just so she wouldn't be worried.

Your reaction was instantaneous. You got up so abruptly and forcefully that Tara felt the bed hitting the wall. "Why can't you just accept that I'm fine with retiring?" you still wouldn't look at her, but you began pacing around in what little space the apartment offered. Your movement was rigid, eyes clamped shut as you ran your hand through your hair, more frustrated than Tara ever saw you before.

"Y/N, please," Tara wanted, needed you to calm down. She wouldn't be able to reach you if you were this frustrated.

"Y/N, please," you repeated dejectedly. "Please what exactly? Please say you aren't fine?" you finally looked at her, your jaw clenching so hard Tara was surprised you didn't crack a tooth. And the way you looked at her. Frustrated, exhausted, pleading for her to trust you.

Tara met your eyes as much as it hurt to see you like that. "You said you were fine before. You weren't." she choked out.

You turned your head to the side, blinking rapidly. "So what? Now you'll think I'm going to fall apart every time something doesn't go my way?" you asked incredulously, there was clear accusation in your eyes, anger directed right at Tara, caused by what she just said.

It wasn't that! You were strong, you weren't going to, fall apart, as you put it! She just wanted you to rely on her enough to trust her with how you felt. "It's not that!" she had no idea what she was thinking as she, without her crutches, stumbled to her feet.

You froze only for a moment and then rushed to hold her. "What are you doing?" you hissed, holding her up. You didn't lift her, but almost all her weight was on you.

Despite the warmth of your skin seeping through the shirt she was wearing she still felt cold. This wasn't the usual way you touched her, there was restraint, anger, reluctance, behind the way you held her. She hated that you felt all that and still went to hold her. That's what frightened her the most. That you'd keep doing it like this, that you'd hold her and love her despite blaming her for what was happening to you.

So, she made a split-second decision. "Y/N, if you really are fine," the words got stuck in her throat.

"What?" the question came out harsh, impatient, pushing the words she struggled to say out.

"Leave me."

You froze, your hold on her loosening enough for her to pull back and stumble to her crutches. This was the best option. You'd either be honest with her, or you'd continue the lie and leave. Both would be good for you, Tara figured. She's been nothing but the reason for all your pain lately. She's been that way before she was attacked. She's been that since she got together with Amber. So, this was what it was. The lost MMA career was the last drop. Your wounds healed, your time apart could be made up for, but she couldn't fix this. "I'll call Sam to pick me up," she reassured you, frankly, surprised at how shell-shocked and still you were.

You didn't say a single word and from the corner of Tara's tear-filled eye she saw you just taking a deep breath and nodding to yourself as if thinking: 'Yeah, should have seen this coming,'

You asked her what she wanted, and she told you to leave her. Those words immediately hurt her, yet it would take two days for those words to start haunting her.

A/N: You know, somehow I imagined these chapters would be less angsty. I have lost control and the characters are writing themselves. I'm trying to pull them in one direction, nope, they are not willing to cooperate. So, NO, I am definitely not happy with this chapter. On the other side, I think, in my humble opinion, that I'm channeling traumatized Scream 6 Tara, only worse with fresh PTSD acceptably well. Either way, thanks for reading, see you next time. Updated: 29.03.2024.

#tara carpenter x reader #tara carpenter x female reader #tara carpenter x you #tara carpenter #scream #jenna ortega x reader

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callmewrinkles3 · 2 months

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Castles Crumbling - DR3 x Fem!OC

Summary: There's just four races to go until Em never has to be near McLaren again, but her anxiety isn't getting any better. With fractures growing in their friendships and people in the media talking, how could it? Not even a gift from her husband could help.

Words: 15.5k

Warnings: The 2022 F1 season, COTA 2022, mental health issues (anxiety, depression, social anxiety, issues with food, one instance of accidental self injury), Zak Brown opening his mouth, hospitals, mentions of assumed domestic abuse, medical staff, smut.

AN: Remember us? Yeah it's been a while, we know. But we're back! Tumblr is a mess right now and with this we decided to make it worse. Please, please heed the warnings here. This is probably the lowest point Em gets to, and it's not a good place. It’s a hard, complicated one. If it's not something you feel comfortable reading, that's alright. Stay safe out there. See you around. 🫰🏻

October 2022

Em had no idea why she was so nervous the day they got to Texas. There was absolutely no reason to be, they'd had some time off and it had been lovely. Her anxiety kept going up and making her stress which was the last thing she wanted. She was tucked in under Dan's arm, their friends were there, and they were in one of her favourite places in the world. Even if when Dan asked her what she wanted to do on their days off she'd said nothing. She didn't have the energy to do it.

The cancelled Russian GP felt like a miracle, giving them a full three weeks off instead of a week in London and one in Sochi. It was an oasis after the triple header of Spa, Zandvoort, and Monza. As soon as Dan finished media after the Monza curse kicked in they left the circuit. Like the year before they were holding hands, but this time it was anger and misery. He'd been on for points. Good points. And then the car just died under him. Fuck McLaren.

They'd gone straight to their favourite pizza place, getting a smile from the staff when Em ordered in Italian. Even the Tifosi in the restaurant chilled around them. There were nods and smiles, Em returning them when she could. It was there to the hotel for some sleep, and the next morning they had quick goodbyes to everyone before renting a car and driving up to Lake Como.

It was normal for them to have a getaway in Italy after races. It started with the beach trip after their first night together in Monaco, and 2019 was the nights in Milan after two impossible feeling races. But finally, after a quarantine year that cancelled their plans and then Em having to cancel them when Dan won. But finally they got to spend their time together. Dan had promised her that even if he won they were still going.

But the car gave up, so instead they said goodbye to Blake and Micahel for three days away. Em adored them, but she'd spent so much time with them that they weren't her usual safe places. Things with Michael still felt awkward, and time apart just felt right. The three days were spent alone, actually getting to wear their rings while they tanned, ate pizza and pasta, and spent hours making love on any surface they could.

The best part of the three weeks off wasn't sunny Italy, it was going to Perth. Dan had to be at the MTC for two days for sim duty before the double header so they went back to London, but as soon as they could they were on the direct flight from London to Perth to see family. It had only been two months since they'd seen Joe and Grace, but they hadn't seen the rest of the family since the super quick trip they'd made to Perth after they got back together.

All they wanted to do was hug the kids and be home. They just wanted to be uncle Danny and auntie Emmy. Even thought it was winter it was warmer than Em was used to. It was healing being back at the farm. Silence at night, family arriving in the late morning or early afternoons, it was perfect. Either they went to see people or people came back to see them at the farm for a full two weeks.

It helped Em's anxiety lessen, as did the regular therapy sessions. They had one on a Monday evening while Em was in Perth, set for a time where no matter where in the world she was she'd be able to make it. On race weeks she had one on Thursdays too. Plus seeing the constant smile on Dan's face while he was home. That put a smile on hers. If anyone deserved to be happy it was her Danny, and Em would do anything in her power to make sure he was.

The fun days ended all too soon, hugging everyone goodbye and promising to see them in Abu Dhabi for Isaac's birthday before they went back into the swing of things. Singapore and the race wasn't bad, Dan finishing with 10 points. But Japan was awful. Lando barely in front but the team acting like he was on the podium, and the weather and recovery vehicles. Dan had talked to her about Jules once before, about losing one of his best friends as a result of those conditions on that track. Her heart was in her throat as she watched Dan go around and round. It was another weekend watching the man she loved be disappointed at a track he adored, but at least they got to spend a week in London before Texas.

Once they got on the plane to head to the US, Em could feel the nerves building in her. It was different from the - high grade if she was honest - anxiety that she usually had most days. This time there was a reason. Dan was showing her the house he bought them that she still hadn't seen in person.

It had started from 2019 when she was tipsy and half asleep and whispered it while dozing in his arms that Austin would be a nice place to live. Since then he'd been searching, revealing it to her when they were in Montreal. The original plan was an apartment with a balcony and natural light, but getting that in the delivery radius of their favourite barbecue place was nearly impossible. And then between the pandemic and everything it turned into wanting so much more than a one bedroom apartment. Plus hiding it from the woman who he spent almost every waking moment with felt impossible.

He'd signed the papers when she was in Liverpool, a desperate dream that maybe Em would come back to him.

Telling himself it was an investment and worth it even when he wasn’t fully sure it was. He knew in his heart he’d never rent it out but he had to try something. It was a total lie. But then he flew down to Texas before landing in Miami to sign for the house. The original plan had been to show her when she arrived in Miami. Dan’s sick hope that she’d turn up. But then she didn’t and he just kept hoping until she was finally there.

They’d said they’d stop off on the way to Montana, fly an extra few hours so Em could see it. But she was too fragile and exhausted and trying to put her pieces together. Then it was the summer break but the news about losing his job put the kibosh on that. So finally they were in Austin and couldn’t be disturbed and Em was about to see their home.

October had felt like it would be a lifetime away then. It would be autumn and starting to get cooler. But then she was there and they’d landed in Texas, gone through immigration and were in the rental car on the way to their brand new home.

It was scarier than moving into their apartment in London had been. London had been quick, necessity thanks to living in an Airbnb and needing to find somewhere to pick together. There’d been two weeks thanks to Dan between viewing it and getting the keys. But they’d viewed it holding hands, decided what room would be what.

This was different. Dan had picked it out entirely on his own, she’d had no idea. And she’d known about it for five months, desperately wanting to see more than the photos. If Em was honest she’d half thought the photos weren’t right, the oh so normal suburban home with a little garage attached. But as Dan put the car into park in their driveway it hit her. This was their home.

A lot of the time they had similar tastes. Food, music, and clothes were the big ones, they’d match in a lot of ways. When it came to TV and movies and podcasts they had differences, but unless it was one of his UFC podcasts she was usually happy to watch what he wanted, the same way he’d watch what she put on. One of the things they almost always agreed with - except for LA but Em wasn’t going to have a discussion about how ridiculous a full mansion for himself was - was where they lived and how they decorated. They always liked the same places and were interested in the same things when it came to a home. If there was something weird or one of them didn’t like it, the other generally didn’t either. It was how it worked when they’d found the apartment in London, they’d walked in holding hands and just knew.

It’s how Em knew Dan had to have done a good job when he chose somewhere in Austin. If he liked it, she’d like it, and when the car stopped she knew she was right. Her expectations were that it’d be an apartment in a high rise building, but it was in front of a house. A little country style 1960s house, like the stereotypical one you’d see. It was nothing like the ridiculousness in LA or the farm in Perth. It wasn’t even like the place in Italy Dan was looking at for them to have as a wedding present. It was so normal.

A one family home on a suburban Texan street. A couple of houses had lawn signs out, there were kids bikes on the street. It felt idyllic as Em looked at the pale brickwork and dark door. It felt like somewhere they could relax and just be.

“I know we said an apartment, but when I saw here it was perfect. It feels like us.” Dan held up a key on a cowboy hat keychain, the Longhorns orange logo visible.

“I’m not complaining at all, it looks cute. Time to go inside?”

They walked up to the front door holding hands as a smile spread across Em’s face. She wanted to stop and take it all in, but her excitement was too much. She could stand out in the front yard later, right now was for going inside. All she could do was look up at Dan and how peaceful he finally looked. It had been literal years for him and she couldn’t be more grateful that he’d kept holding out hope for them.

Opening the front door of somewhere new was always exciting and this was no different. She slipped the key in the slot and twisted to feel the lock disengage. Em went to push the door open but before she could Dan lifted her into his arms, nudging the door with his knee.

“Dan, what?!”

“Gotta carry the bride over the threshold, right? It’s my job.” She laughed at the grin on his face as he brought them inside, carefully depositing Em back on her feet in the living room so she could fully take it in.

The room was a blank canvas. Wooden floors with lots of windows and light, white walls just waiting for paint and decoration. Somehow he’d gotten a Welcome Home sign put up in front of the fireplace. It was cosy but had enough space for them and friends to be there. The work and effort Dan had put in was making her tear up before she’d even seen anything else. Then when she did turn around and saw the lavender door she actually did shed a tear.

The one thing she’d wanted in life was to paint her front door lavender. She’d seen photos of colourful seaside towns with different brightly painted doors and decided she wanted hers to be lavender. It wasn’t from Friends, as much as people might think. She’d never been a fan of that show really. But there was no possibility she could do it as a kid, and then in her rented apartments it was never going to happen. But Dan had promised her that he’d do it, and he had just for her. She turned to hug him and held onto him until she could get herself together for a moment.

“I told you we’d have it, it was just a matter of time. I know we can’t have the outside in London, but I thought the inside in Austin would work?”

“It’s perfect. You’re perfect. I love it. I love you, Danny.” His arms tightened as she said it, a kiss pushed against Em’s head.

“Love you too. Wait until you see everything else, I think you’ll love it.”

Dan held her hand as they moved through the rest of the house. The kitchen was gorgeous and sitting out on the counter was a set of orange Le Creuset pans that matched the purple set they had in London. It was like her perfect kitchen was right in front of her. The doors to the back garden were there, a deck leading down to grass and it was carefully enclosed. It was safe and beautiful. She wandered outside and looked at the wildflowers growing at the end of it.

She had no idea how she’d gotten so lucky. How did he love her even after everything? After everything she’d done, everything she’d nearly ruined? But Dan loved her with everything and he did all of this for her. It was a home, not just a house, and part of her hated that they wouldn’t really spend enough time of the year here. He’d given her everything, and she didn’t know what she’d do if she didn’t have him.

A quiet sob made her turn around in panic to see a smile on Dan’s face as tears streamed down his cheeks. Her arms wrapped around him, holding onto her husband as he cried. They were both too familiar with tears by this point, and her job was to hold onto him and love him and wait until he was able to speak. These were the overwhelming tears.

“I thought I might never see this place. Especially not with you. I was waiting until you were here to see it in person and I think I’d come to terms that it wasn’t going to happen.” The rawness of his words cut her deeply, Em kissing his jaw as a reminder she was here before she could speak.

“I’m right here, Baby. I’m here. And you’re here with me. We’re together.”

“I know. I know.” Dan kissed her so gently Em thought it could have been a dream until she opened her eyes and looked at him.

“Good…what do you mean you didn’t think you’d see it? You flew out to sign?” He squeezed her and Em knew no matter what he was about to say she was going to worry.

“I did. But I didn’t come here. I signed the contract and hired someone to keep an eye on it and do what I needed. But I couldn’t come here without you. It was for us.”

“You bought an entire house without seeing it?” The disbelief was clear in her voice. Her insane, brilliant, generous husband.

“It was a bad time, don’t judge me.” She never could. Not in a million years. “I wanted to do more things, y’know? I thought about changing the windows out for ones with bigger panels of glass so you have even more light to read, put some screens up so you can open them without bugs. Have some of the flowers out the front under the living room window. Maybe change the roof? The one there is fine but it’s gonna need replacing in a few years. Plus I wanna change the fireplace cause that’s original from the 70s when this was built and I don’t like the tiles. But not without you. Even looking at furniture to buy felt wrong. That’s what you do. You turn the places we live into homes without even thinking about it. Plus, I thought it could be like an anniversary present. Five years ago this week is when I met you for the first time.”

Em settled into Dan’s arms with her head pushed against his neck for an extra moment as she took in what he said. She’d so nearly blown their lives up in April - walked away without so much as a word. But even though she did that he loved her and still believed she’d come back somehow. How could she not be utterly in love with him? She didn’t deserve him but he loved her anyway.

“We turned them into homes. Us. Together. That’s what made them into homes, and it’s what’ll make this into one too. So thanks for waiting for me to do it.” It was a sweet kiss and wiping away the tear tracks from his cheeks as she smiled up at him. They’d turn it into one. She wouldn’t ruin yet another home for them. She couldn’t do that like she had with their first flat. “Show me everywhere else? Please? I wanna see our room.”

The rest of the house was just as perfect. A bathroom with a gloriously big bath for her and Dan to fit, two spare rooms, and finally the master bedroom. It wasn’t stupidly huge, but it was perfect. She could see all the flowers that Dan had gotten planted outside through the window. Em had no idea how he managed to get it done but he did and she’d be forever grateful for it. The other thing he did was get a proper mattress for each bedroom. It wasn’t a full bed yet, there weren’t even sheets, but she could actually lay down. As comfortable as the business class seats were, she just wanted to lie down and stretch. Her sneakers came off in a heartbeat and that was about as quickly as Dan was lying on top of her.

"You like it?" Dan whispered as if to not break a spell. His head was on her shoulder while his arms wrapped around her body to pull her as close as possible.

"The mattress? It's amazing, I wonder how I'm gonna get up again. The house is very nice too." She kissed his forehead while her smile grew even wider. "I love it. I really, really love it. It's absolutely perfect, Love. I still think you're insane, but thank you."

"I'm happy you like it. You know you never need to thank me."

"Really? Cause I think I know a way to thank you and bless this place together."

All Em needed was one kiss on her neck and feeling his grin against her skin to get going. Clothes were thrown off and left on the floor, and the luxury of not sharing a wall with anyone else was perfection. The loud moan as Dan finally entered her with one slow push echoed around the near empty room.

Usually on race weekends she was careful to not mark Dan's neck or scratch his back or shoulders. Usually she'd do her best to leave no marks at all unless it was a break but that day she couldn't care less. Her hands were all over his back and holding him as hard as possible. Part of her brain screamed at her that she was fucking everything up and she needed to stop, but Dan's frown as she went to let go and the way he squeezed her made her continue. If he was prepared for any comments and wanted her to keep going then she was going to.

At least now people knew that she was the one responsible for anything. She sucked a small dark mark against his collarbone, watching as the skin reddened and bloomed. She didn't care about it in the moment. The next day she probably would when his shirt moved the wrong way and everyone saw it but right then she couldn't care less. For once her head was quiet, focusing about how warm her Danny was against her, the way his hands made her feel so good. How he was hitting the perfect spots in her, the whispers of how good she was and how she was his best girl, his only girl. The marks he was leaving against her that screamed she was his. His, his, his.

When they finished it was like magic. Like every time he held her tight and kissed as they came down from their highs, the two of them keeping the other there. It was one of her favourite moments with him since that very first time they'd slept together. The world stopped for a few moments, silent and the only people who mattered were them. When she opened her eyes Dan was there, that smile that made her fall head over heels all those years ago on his face as he stole a kiss and made her smile against his lips.

Years ago the next thing in their routine had been one of them - usually Dan - asking to stay the night even when they shouldn't. That part of their routine was long gone. But the comfort and cosiness of the moment was ruined by Em's "oh shit!" and running to the bathroom, too afraid to mess up the brand new mattress that didn't even have sheets on it. The only thing there to clean up was Dan's shirt and she wasn't doing that to him.

When she came back feeling better Dan still kissed down her legs to make her giggle, Em looking at him smiling up at her. She ran her fingers through his curls as she looked down at the love of her life. How did she get so lucky? She didn't deserve him.

It took everything to get up from that mattress. She was jetlagged and tired and wanted to stay there and fall asleep beside him. She was comfortable and didn't want to leave. But they had things to do, shopping first on the list. If they were staying there for a night before moving to the team hotel they needed basic stuff. Dan insisted they didn't need sheets for the mattress, they had toilet paper and paper cups for their celebration and could get takeout. Even while Dan was trying to say nonsense Em was rolling her eyes and pulling clothes out of one of their cases to put on. She made Dan do the same, even as he insisted she looked better without clothes on.

"Do you really want me to go to Target naked, Love?" The wide eyes and rapidly shaking head was all that Em needed for him to get up and shimmy his jeans on.

For most couples a trip to the supermarket was a normal thing. But they weren't a normal couple, or at least not that normal. Usually groceries were delivered, and the occasional times they did something like this was during the winter break in Perth. They'd go some weekday morning when it was quiet and people didn't notice them. She loved it though. It was like going out with an excitable kid who looked at everything and kept stopping. She got to hold his hand and be normal for rare occasions.

So that afternoon it was a rare opportunity for Em to drag him around. It took a pout to convince him it was a good idea, but an oak milk latte from the Starbucks before they started shopping was all the extra incentive he needed to keep going. But as they started wandering Dan was the one who kept stopping and looking. He wanted the perfect glasses, Em got distracted looking at lipsticks for a new perfect pink. Then they spent time deciding on towels and bedding for not just their room but the spares too. After all that a coffee maker and mugs had to be bought, along with the matching plates and bowls. All of that, plus a lamp, cushions, a fake plant, fairy lights, candles, and groceries for that night and the morning that could be frozen when they were leaving ended up in the trunk of the rental car. Em couldn't stop grinning the entire drive back to their house.

London was a mix of things they'd had in both of their apartments, choosing what they preferred and putting them together with new things when they really needed them. Perth, Monaco, and LA were kind of like that, Em turning professionally interior decorated places into actual homes instead of places where they just spent time. But Austin was different. It was a blank canvass where she could start from scratch and turn it into colour and home and happiness. Even if this trip was just a few things to make it better she could take time and decide what they were going to do.

She barely got to put the sheets on the mattress before Dan was dragging her back down, covering her in kisses. It had been since the summer break when they felt like this, able to hold and love each other and Em able to shut her brain up enough to enjoy it. Thye spent the afternoon and evening moving from bed to couch and back again, ordering takeout from the restaurant Dan made sure they were near, before returning to loving each other. Dan held onto her as they fell asleep, Em content and cuddled in.

The next day was when they were supposed to move to the hotel but neither of them really wanted to. The boys landed and they met with them, checking in, but deciding to spend that night in their home before having to go back to the F1 circus. Instead they spent it with Michael and Blake, Em watching the three of them laughing and joking. It was easier to stay a little on the outside of it all and watch, Dan's hand around her waist as they sat in their favourite bar in Austin yet again eating barbecue and Em drinking a coke and stealing sips from Dan's one beer before the race weekend.

Getting out of their uber and being completely alone once the front door closed was a luxury for Em. They were always surrounded by people, she knew that. Dan loved having family and friends around, loved being with everyone. She'd known that since the beginning. It was one of the reasons - besides the obvious - why she was around the boys so much. Dan loved to bring his people around and Em loved watching him be happy and glowing no matter how loud it was. Usually she could put her earplugs in and smile and it was fine. But at the track and in offices and media centres it was more of the same. There were always people, Dan was always busy.

She'd known from the beginning that Dan wasn't always hers. She had to share the man she loved with the rest of the world. And she knew this, she married him knowing it, but it was hard sometimes. She'd gone in with eyes open that especially during race weeks it was a good week to have a couple of hours alone together. The only thing she asked was that they went to bed together. She'd stay up as long as she had to to do it with him. She always fell asleep with her head on his shoulder and her hand on his chest. Dan always woke her up with a kiss on her forehead if he had to get up before her as a quiet goodbye and a heads up she'd fully wake alone. It was what they did. So one extra night where they got to wake up completely alone felt nearly perfect.

But some nights, even when they were alone, she could tell Dan's head was somewhere else. This was one of those nights. They were curled up to sleep, arms around each other, but Em could see that his eyes were open and his jaw was tense. Even with the way the last few days were nice it wasn't an easy time. Everything seemed to be slowly crumbling around them. Apart from their relationship it seemed like so much was falling apart and it was impossible. She was doing everything she could to keep the man she loved going but Em didn't have much left to give. There were some things she couldn't fix. She couldn't magic up a seat in a team for him no matter how badly she wished she could do it. She couldn't even negotiate with him, because that wasn't her job. Doing it for the McLaren severance was different, that was for their pride and to prove that team hadn't ruined them. It was personal. But talking to other team principals? She couldn't.

The one thing she could do was reach up and push a kiss to his jaw, watching as he looked down at her with sad eyes. She could ask the questions and support him and love him and give him advice.

"Penny for them?" It was quiet until Dan took a deep breath.

"Should I talk to Haas? Guenther sent over a proposal. It's a seat for n-"

"Absolutely not." The vehemence that she came out with worried even her but she kept talking. "That team ruins people and makes them miserable, and as much as Guenther has been decent to me in the paddock they're run ridiculously. Look at what's happening to Mick, he told Mick last week that he might keep the seat but now you're being offered it? They won't listen to you, they won't care about the setup. They'll mess it up and blame you. They did it to Kevin and then begged him to go back. You deserve better than it."

"It might be the only way for me to have a seat next year."

"I'd rather we call it a day and just go home." Em was blinking back tears as Dan held her closer, watching as she got herself together. "I can't spend another year watching you suffer for a team and their stupid car while you're trying to smile. This year has been so hard, Danny. You deserve better than that. You're so much better than that."

"Do you really want that? Do you want to go home?" The words echoed around her head. Home. She still didn't know what it was. Dan was her home, but she couldn't say anywhere really was anymore. But her tears began to fall and she couldn't stop them.

"We lost too much this year, Danny. We lost a baby. We nearly lost us too. We did lose us for a while and we nearly didn't make it back. I don't have anything else to give it. This sport and this team has taken almost everything. It even took my dignity in Spa. We've given it everything. Baby I love you with my whole heart and you know I will do anything for you. You know that." She took a deep breath as she tried to get the courage to ask.

"I know, Baby girl. I know. And I love you just as much. We're us, that's not changing ever." His words and the warm arms around her made her able to say it.

"You can't ask me to watch you go through another year like this one. You can't do that to me. We can't go through another year like this and you know we can't. If we try it's going to break us. Please. If you love me just...please don't. Be a reserve driver or try something else or any other driving, I'd rather watch you do ovals. Please don't make me have to go through watching you suffer like this again."

She broke down after speaking, feeling Dan hold her even tighter than he had before. She'd never said it. She never wanted to tell him not to drive, she adored him and trusted him to do the right thing. But this was terrifying to watch. She didn't know what she could do except ask him not to drive for once.

"Hey Baby, I've got you. It's alright, Emmy. It's alright. It's going to be fine, Baby girl. I promise. You just take deep breaths. Breathe in with me Baby." She followed his exaggerated breathing until she'd calmed down from the panic attack she'd nearly worked herself into yet again. Her fucking brain. She needed to be calm for this.

"I'm so tired, Dan. I'm exhausted and I don't know if I can deal with another year at a team that won't respect you. This year was too much. I can't lose you again. Please don't make me lose you again."

"It won't happen, Emmy. I swear it's not going to. I'm gonna be right here."

"It happened twice."

And that was her fear. They'd basically lost each other last Christmas, and what should have been the final nail in the coffin was Melbourne. They shouldn't be together. They'd fought for so long, they'd promised each other. But she didn't know if she could fight for another year to try not lose him.

"That was different and you didn't lose me. I fucked up but we're right here. Remember that forever promise we made?" He kissed her ring finger, Em smiling through her tears.

"I almost did and it felt like I couldn't breathe. I can't go through it again. Call me selfish but I just can't."

"You're not selfish. You're the exact opposite of selfish, Babe." The pain in Dan's voice made Em feel even worse than she did saying it.

"I feel like I am. I know how much you love racing."

"But I love you more." He punctuated his words with a kiss before continuing. "I'm chasing loving racing again, and I've stopped loving it now. Maybe it's time to let it come back to me. If it works I can try get a seat in 2024. If not I've got you, and we can work it out from there. I can be a househusband. I was thinking about it, y'know? Maybe it's time for me to be a househusband, you get your year. I'll stay home, make breakfast, do laundry, all that. You deserve a year of not doing anything after taking care of everything I've thrown at you."

"You and I both know you'd go insane if you did that. It'd be fun for a week." A watery giggle escaped, Dan smiling at her ability to laugh.

"Maybe two? But it can be your year. I want you to be happy, not just following me around the world while I'm doing it."

"All I wanna do is be with you. I just...I want you to be my Danny for a while. I don't want to have to share you with the world for once. What I really need right now is to wake up on a weekend and not go anywhere. I want us to stay in our bed, not in a hotel unless we're on holiday. I hate myself for being this selfish and asking you, but I need this."

"A weekend in bed not going anywhere sounds really good right now." Dan kissed her nose, brushing the hair out of her face to make sure Em was looking at him. "I'm telling you, you're not selfish."

"I feel like I am. I feel like I'm making a decision for everyone. Michael's gonna need a new job, it's a mess."

"I was thinking about telling him I think it's better for our friendship to not work together so that'll be fine. Jack's looking for someone for F2 next year, that might work. But you're not making a decision for everyone, you're telling me how you feel. I told you before. If you asked I'd walk away. We deserve to be happy. You deserve that."

"I love you." She held onto him tightly, desperate to make it clear how much she loved him. She didn't deserve Daniel. Not at all. Somehow he loved her even though she'd made a mess of so much. "It's just one year. Then we can go back. You can keep racing till your forties if you want like Fernando. I don't care if you do."

"You really think I want to race that long? Two or three babies and racing around the world for twenty something weeks a year?"

"Seb is. For now." She wasn't looking forward to saying goodbye to someone who'd always been kind to her.

"Yeah, but I don't think I'll be able to do that after our kids start school. There's a difference between Switzerland and Perth."

"If you want to do it the option will be there. As long as you want to keep racing and you're happy you know I'll support you. We can work around anything else." Em snuggled into him at his words, at the knowledge. He wasn't lying. They'd be happy. She'd make herself be happy.

"We can talk about it then. But Toto and Christian have already been in contact about a reserve role. Christian rang before I even did the video. But I'm focusing on you and me first."

"Thank you," Em breathed out.

"For what?"

"For being you. I just wanna be your girl. I wanna be your girlfriend in public and nothing else. I...I need to be your girl for more than a week, not your assistant. I love my job and I love working but I need this. I need to not think about the fact that I share you with the world for a weekend. I know it's a lot to ask but I need that. Just one year. Can you give me a year?" She felt awful asking, but they were there together. She knew he wouldn't feel bad about her asking.

"With one condition."

"Anything you want."

"Marry me. I'll take a year off as long as you marry me."

"Did you hit your head or something? Want to do it again?"

"We said we were going to do it properly, right? I'd propose and we'd have a wedding with our family and that's what I want for us. A year off and we can plan our wedding. Go wherever we want for our honeymoon. No schedule, no fitting it into a two week gap and a honeymoon over the summer break. Just us and the people we care about. So marry me, Emmy?"

"Yeah. This sounds perfect." She kissed her husband, grinning against him as he held her left hand and kissed the perfect engagement ring he'd given her in August when she'd proposed in LA. Getting to do this their way was more important to them than revealing anything else. It felt right.

The next morning when Blake came over for breakfast before the three of them went to the hotel they spoke to him about their decision. It was easier than Em expected it to be, Blake agreeing with both of them entirely. Dan was burnt out, Em was a mess of a human, they were shadows of who they were just a year before. It made sense.

He didn't admit it, but Em knew Blake was exhausted too. He'd been carrying her and Dan for the last six months on his own, a year away from all of their travelling and chaos would be good for him too. They could recharge and focus and next year Blake could start putting feelers out about potential seats.

The other thing they agreed was Em was taking a leave of absence from work. She hated it. She hated feeling like she couldn't do her job. But she needed to look after herself and both of her boys agreed. As soon as Dan said it she knew he was right, nodding and hugging him. At least they got to tell Blake about planning the wedding, and the hug her big brother gave her was worth everything.

Once they got to the hotel it became the normal race weekend whirlwind. Dan was in media and strategy meetings while Em stayed in her hotel room, Criminal Minds on tv while she smiled at her ring and took down little notes about the wedding they wanted. Blake was there showing her the progress he'd made on hiring the horse for Dan's grand entrance to COTA the following day. Her idiot was actually attending press day on a horse. It was entirely Blake's fault for encouraging it months ago.

When Dan got back they facetimed his parents to give them the news, Em crying as Joe said he was happy to finally get to properly call her their daughter now. It was a good day. She was taking the good day.

The only downside to arriving to the circuit was firstly that she couldn't hold Dan's hand because of the horse, and secondly having to hide her engagement ring. She didn't want to take it off, but it was an unspoken agreement that they weren't telling anyone outside their people until after the season was over. They didn't want McLaren using it for media. She didn't want an instagram post from anyone who was firing her husband congratulating the happy couple. She didn't want that orange team involved in her personal life, so the announcement could wait. The nice part was getting to pet the horse Dan was riding. Before Bluey was saddled up she got to brush him down under his groom's careful eye, and afterwards she brushed him and gave him an apple as a treat. It felt like back in Montana, brushing the horses there and her anxiety disappearing for a gorgeous few moments.

Once that was done she didn't have much to do for the afternoon. Blake was officially taking over what she'd been doing, following Dan from meeting to meeting instead of Em. To avoid even more rumours and speculation she wandered the paddock every hour or so with her iPad in hand, chatting to people she knew and acting like it was normal.

It was a weird relief that not working was a help. She still had her therapy sessions with Mildred every Monday - plus a Thursday one before most race weeks - still had her every two weeks psychiatrist appointments to talk about her medication levels, but it felt like it wasn't working. She felt like she was jumping out of her skin, anxiety a constant in her head. A decent part of her wished she could stay in their hotel rooms on any given weekend, but she had to be there for Dan.

Her weekends were most comfortable when she went from the entrance to Dan's room and back again. Nobody bothered her in there, she hid away while her friends and husband were busy, and she felt awkward sitting in hospitality with people looking at her like she was a dead woman walking. So instead she lay along the massage table pinning things to a pinterest board to start wedding planning. Her plan was to show Dan what she liked and they could decide after.

Between taking notes about not wanting designated seats so it could be a mix of people and looking at flower options she dozed off where she lay. Sleep was at a premium for Em on race weekends, but having something nice to think about helped her doze.

She woke up to Dan's kisses against her forehead, not even opening her eyes but reaching out for Dan to squeeze her hand. It was a quick murmur that he'd be back soon, he just had one more meeting and then they could go. Before she knew it Dan was back, helping her stand and fixing her hair so she didn't look like she'd spent the last hour sleeping. They walked out of the paddock hand in hand, ready for the hotel and to curl up in bed together.

"I wish we could just stay in our house instead of here," Em whispered as she looked out the window to the city view in front of them. It was gorgeous, the room was luxurious. But she wanted their house with the mattress that they didn't even have a bed frame for yet. Dan stood behind her, Em resting her back against his front. She could relax and let her anxiety float away for the next few hours until they had to get up and do it the next day and the next and the next, before the brief reprieve before Mexico.

"Saturday night after Blake's birthday dinner? And next time we're here we can stay there full time."

"That sounds perfect."

Waking up on Friday morning was nearly impossible. The universe knew Em wasn't an early bird, but she felt absolutely drained. She didn't want to think about it, but something was wrong with her. She knew when it took Dan shaking her shoulder to wake her up. Usually kisses against her forehead would wake her but the last week or so it had been harder and harder to wake herself up and move more. The kisses were still there but not enough.

"Morning Baby, hey. Sleep well? I've been trying to wake you for a few minutes." Dan was smiling at her as she blinked blearily at him.

"Jetlag? Mornin'. Do we have five more minutes?"

"We're down to ten, but we've got time." He always woke her a little bit early before they actually had to get up. Usually it was fifteen minutes but she'd burned through that time already.

"Mmm, thank you."

It was quiet for a moment before Dan spoke again. "When's your next blood test for?"

She'd been getting them semi regularly since the first doctor's appointment when she came back, the realisation that her iron and calcium levels were low not helping her mental health. The supplements were helping, but the exhaustion remained.

"Before Christmas? I think?"

"Want me to make a doctor's appointment for after Mexico? I can call when they're open on Monday for you. You're sleeping a lot, I just wanna make sure your iron didn't drop or anything. You haven't really been eating much."

She'd been exhausted and barely eating. Part of it was just not being hungry, part of it was nothing was appetising. Even her usual foods that would always make her want to eat weren't it. Even the snack plates that she'd usually pick at weren't worth it.

"Yeah, ok. Just...don't tell Michael? I don't wanna hear about it from him. I don't want more supplement ideas and stuff."

"I won't even think about it."

She went to move to get up but didn't, too comfy there. "'m sorry 'm so tired. It's just been exhausting the last few weeks."

"We'll go home after Mexico and find out. Maybe you just need a med tweak. Or we can go see a doctor here. Go to a clinic, get an iron test to see if it's something to do with that?"

"Nah, we can wait till we're back. Extra naps will work?"

"You'll be all good, Love. I've got you."

Em didn't want to get out of the bed when she was warm, comfortable, and safe in bed with her husband. She didn't want to go to the paddock, and she definitely didn't want to sit in the orange decorated building while the rest of the team just waited for Dan to fail. Again.

But she didn't have a choice, so she got up and got dressed to go stand beside him. Her makeup hid the circles under her eyes, her hair was pulled back, and her outfit was perfect. She could do this. She could absolutely do this. Before they left the hotel room Dan gave her a hug and the sweetest kiss to make her smile.

They held hands for every second they could going through the paddock. All the way down to the car, on the drive in, and walking through the paddock. Dan held her hand proudly as they went in, getting her to go through the barrier first before following her in and taking her hand again.

Em didn't want to be at the track so early, especially when Dan wasn't even driving for FP1. Palou was in Dan's car for it as a rookie driver test, and while she had nothing against Alex she didn't want to watch him. She didn't care about motorsport. It had taken her years of trying to be interested but she didn't care. She cared about Dan driving and that was it. So instead she stayed in Dan's tiny room in hospitality, reading her kindle. The second the interviews and press conferences were done she switched the tv off and kept reading. Her friends were working and getting Dan ready for the rest of the day but she stayed there.

The nice part was that between chapters and looking at pinterest on her iPad for wedding ideas Dan would come upstairs for the briefest hug. He always came with tea and a smile, a quick kiss and a "miss you". He could go back knowing she was fine there.

"You need to go back to work, you're in the car in twenty minutes," Em told him as he dawdled going back downstairs once he was in his orange race suit.

"What if I don't wanna? I wanna stay here with you." She put her kindle away and stood up to take his hand, ready to go stand in the garage to watch him for the hour.

"I could kidnap you and we can go home? Nobody knows where our house is, we can hide there maybe?"

"Is it kidnapping if I'm your husband?"

"I mean not if you go willingly." Dan laughed and his loud honk made her smile. He was there with her and it was worth it.

"You gonna stay here or wanna come down to the garage with Blake?"

"Garage. You know I'm not gonna miss you in the car, no matter what."

"If you need anything just head out, ok? I'll find you after. Just tell Blake."

"I'll be fine, don't worry." She leaned up to kiss his cheek and watched as Dan smiled at her.

"I always worry. Same way you worry about me. It's what we do."

They were about to walk out when Em pulled him back for a moment, watching as Dan looked at her. "I know weekends at your room here used to be more fun and sexy and great. I...I'm sorry it's not like that anymore. Now it's just a mess and yeah. I wish it was like we used to be. I'm just boring now."

"Baby girl, we're married and in our thirties. We're supposed to be boring."

"I'm being serious."

"I know you are." She looked away but Dan's fingers cupped her chin, pulling her up to look at him. "Look at me Emmy. You are the smartest, funniest, most interesting person in the universe. You're my favourite person. You're my wife and I love you. I don't care if we just sit in silence doing nothing for a week. As long as I'm with you I'm happy and having fun. Nobody does it like us. right?"

"Right. And I love you too. Forever and always."

"And to the moon and to Saturn. Let's go and it's one more driving session to the end of the year."

She walked down holding his hand, kissing his helmet and telling him to go fast and be safe before taking her spot beside Blake. Her headphones went on and she stood there holding Blake's hand as they watched the time tick down.

The worst part of the sessions was having to hide her anxiety, the cameras flashing to her and her name appearing on TV. Emma Smyth, Daniel Ricciardo's partner. It still felt surreal that the world knew it. It was pure anxiety as she stood waiting, taking slow deep breaths as Blake squeezed her hand. It was one more hour until she could hide away again.

She hated seeing him in that car. She'd always trusted the cars he drove, always trusted the teams he had. But not anymore. And it was hard because she knew he didn't trust it either. She hated living with the feeling that he didn't trust the car to perform the same way lap after lap. The feeling kept growing in her chest until he was finally wheeled back in when practice ended. He sent her a wink as he got out of the car, Em's smile returning seeing him there safe. If he could have Dan would have given her a hug but he was immediately surrounded by engineers to give feedback to.

By the time Dan was free to leave the circuit it was nearly dark outside. The debriefing took time, and then he had to do partnership stuff that took longer than expected. For this time she decided to be brave and go into hospitality, sitting beside Blake. He kept her distracted by asking questions about things that he really didn't need to ask. For years they'd worked beside each other and it felt totally normal, and even now she wasn't working it felt normal and looked normal. She didn't know what she'd do without him.

Saturday was a day when she had to put her bravest face on because it was Blake's birthday. Despite another day of not wanting to leave the hotel room she got dressed and smiled, following Dan to their best friend's hotel room to give him a giant hug and the presents they'd gotten for him. Her big brother gave her a hug in return, a whispered thank you more than enough for her. She had to hold on for Blake's day. Had to.

She spent practice and qualifying in the garage, holding Blake's hand as usual when they watched Dan get into the car. It had been a happy week in one of their favourite cities, her rings hanging around her neck as she looked on. But instead she watched as the man she loved got out of the car frustrated after Q1, qualifying seventeenth. This stupid team and this stupid car and she had to keep herself together because she didn't want cameras on her.

Dan coming over to say sorry to Blake because he wanted to make his friend proud but didn't broke her heart. It was all Dan ever wanted to do, to make his wife, his friends, his family happy and proud of him. She knew he was aware of the sacrifices people had made to help him, and he was determined to make it worth it. But for nearly all of this two year stint at McLaren it hadn't worked. She'd watched him try. But yet again he was putting a brave face on and a fake smile about how he was going to make up places on Sunday.

She watched him blame himself yet again in front of the media and the world and Em wanted to whisk him away. She wanted to make it all better. He deserved more. She'd seen it with her own eyes, she'd been there when he'd won races. He'd never won them easily. All she wanted was to take him away from the stress and the constant criticism. But she couldn't.

As soon as they were finally alone - after Dan had done media and cooled down with Michael, finally entering his room where Em was waiting. Her arms went straight around him, holding tightly so he could know she was there.

"I'm sorry, Baby. I thought I could get into Q2 for Blake and for you. Make this weekend good for us." She looked up at Dan, trying to keep herself from falling apart.

"It's already a good weekend. You did everything you could, Baby. I don't blame you." Dan just held her tighter, doing everything to keep it together for a few more moments. But then he had to go back to the debrief while Em packed their stuff up. The hotel restaurant was booked for that evening for Blake's birthday. Just the four of them, a chill evening before some of Blake's friends from other teams went to a booking they had in a barbecue place after the race on Sunday. Part of her wished it was just the three of them, pushing that thought away from her head. She loved Michael. She did. He was just difficult to be around lately.

In a shocking turn of events Dan's debriefing didn't take as long as expected. But even with his performance there were fans there to ask for autographs and photos. Em soaked in the love everyone else had for him as he got to glow. Even with that delay they were in the hotel slightly earlier than expected and going straight to their room to get ready.

"We don't have time for a bath, right?" Dan asked, Em kissing his cheek.

"No Baby. We have to be downstairs in half an hour. You have time for a quick shower if you want one."

"Will you come with me? Please?"

It took nothing for Em to agree to go with him, walking into the bathroom and helping Dan to undress as she got her own clothes off. Dan set the shower up while Em stepped in, feeling his arms around her as he got under the showerhead too.

"Can we have a bath tomorrow when we go home?"

"That's the best plan I've heard all week."

Em wanted to spend more time than they had there, trying to get Dan to relax. But instead she carefully washed and conditioned his hair, giving them the love Dan didn't in a normal shower. He did the same for her hair, the apple scent of her shampoo filling the steamy room. Ten minutes wasn't nearly enough but they were out, Dan pushing a kiss to the 3 tattoo on her wrist before he let her go.

Five minutes later Em was nearly ready, just running the hairdryer over her so the wet strands didn't dampen her clothes. Once it was mostly dry she was happy, taking Dan's hand to go back downstairs.

Blake and Michael had arrived before the two of them, Em catching the tail end of their whispered conversation with "-my night out, don't do that." all she could hear. As soon as they realised they were there the two men stepped apart as Blake greeted them.

She knew it was serious when Michael didn't make comments about what Dan should order thanks to his race weekend diet. It was even weirder when he didn't say anything about what Em should eat, or how much, or how she should avoid certain foods. She may have been exhausted but she knew it was Blake. The tail end of their conversation was the only evidence she needed to know he'd said something about keeping suggestions quiet.

Em hated to admit it, but it was glorious. She got to watch Dan eat an actual meal that he enjoyed and she was even hungry for the first time in a while. Finishing the whole plate was a challenge but she ate slowly, sipping her drink and putting her fork down when it was finished. The fond look on Dan's face was everything.

The three others at the table looked at her surprised when Em nodded and took a dessert menu. Michael wasn't having one and she didn't want Blake to have his birthday dessert alone. It was easy to pick a strawberry and apple crumble and ask for a second spoon. She ate it carefully in layers, smiling as Dan took a couple of spoonfuls of fruit and left the icecream for her. She ignored the looks Michael gave them as they shared, the plain green tea sat in front of him telling her everything she needed to know.

It was an early night by birthday celebration standards but with the race the next morning they didn't have a choice. It was a hug for Blake and a promise that tomorrow night would involve drinks and dancing and fun. She'd get through it for him, he deserved it.

As soon as the door to their hotel room closed and the latch went on their clothes disappeared to go to bed. The way Dan's arm had been around her waist was all Em needed to know that her husband needed her extra close that night. It was a quick trip to the bathroom to wash their faces and get themselves ready as Em pushed kisses across his face before dragging him to bed.

She really didn't think anything would happen between them, just holding each other and goodnight kisses. Dan had to get sleep before the race, but then his lips moved down her jaw and to her neck, one hand on her ass pulling her in as his knee slipped between her thighs. It was like a flame was lit in her, she needed her husband. She needed to feel him as close as possible. She needed to hear him whisper her name like a prayer, hands holding her tightly and leaving the fingertip bruises that sang she was his and nobody else's to the world. It was electric and everything she could have asked for, groaning Dan's name out as he begged her to tell him everything he made her feel.

Dan helped her up and helped her clean before she went back to bed with him, wrapped up in his arms to sleep. For once on a race night she was able to actually get asleep at a reasonable time, the lub-dub of Dan's heartbeat steady under her ear.

Getting up on race morning was the worst feeling. Em wished she could have stayed in bed. Staying there with a bottle of wine - even if she wasn't meant to be drinking because of her medication - hot water for her favourite tea, some snacks, the latest crappy romance series she was reading on her kindle, and maybe ice cream as she curled up beside Dan in bed would have been the best day. Instead she had to go to a paddock filled with people who wanted photos and autographs from Dan.

If she had her choice she'd stay back in the hotel with her favourite people but she couldn't. She had to make herself look presentable because cameras didn't lie, and she didn't need another "concerned" instagram commenter asking about if she was ok because of a photo where she didn't look perfect. Dan didn't care if her hair was a mess or if she wasn't wearing makeup or if she was in casual clothes, but the world did. So she forced herself up and prettied herself and was ready to leave. It took a deep breath as she held Dan's hand and walked out of the bubble of their hotel room. They were going to their house that night. She could make it work.

The entire drive to the circuit was cuddling under Dan's arm. Holding his hand on the backseat wasn't enough for her. She needed Dan to hold her until they got there and had to let go, and he never ever complained about it.

It was another morning of faking smiles in front of everyone, cameras recording and fans taking photos and calling Dan's name. She'd put her earplugs in before they even reached the circuit to block some of the noise but it didn't fully help. She focused on Dan's warm hand in hers and took deep breaths to keep herself calm. Em ignored the cameras and photographers watching them, instead looking at her husband and at Blake to remind herself she wasn't alone. She focused on Dan's fingers squeezing her hand. He'd promised not to let her go and he wouldn't.

Once she settled down in his driver's room he kissed her goodbye to go to the different race morning duties he had, making sure she was ok. Dan promised to see her as soon as he could and Em sat there and breathed deeply, earplugs replaced with her Beats to match Dan's and music playing. A couple more hours and they were out of there. Dan just had to go around the track and then they were free to go home. Back to their actual house to get changed and celebrate Blake, and go back to sleep on that mattress she'd already fallen in love with.

Dan came back up to get changed, Em standing up to go back to the garage with him. He'd taken the time to come up and give them enough time to see each other and make her feel better before facing the cameras. Usually he was surrounded by Blake and Michael before getting ready but this time it was just the two of them in a moment alone.

When he pulled his shirt off he took the necklace he was wearing off too, handing his rings over to Em to keep safe. She watched him get into the nomex and saw just how slim he was getting. Let the year end. Just let it end. As he stood and stretched he held out his right hand, Em taking it with her left. Just like they had in Baku and Montreal already this year they were going to the garage together. He was walking through the paddock holding her hand and not caring what the world thought. Reason one million why Em loved him.

"Ready to go?" She thought she'd hidden how she was feeling but it was clear from Dan's reaction that she hadn't really.

"You know, right?" Em whispered in response to avoid his question with the one she knew the answer to. They'd tattooed it to keep it front of mind.

"I know, Baby Girl. I love you too." Dan nodded and raised their joined hands to kiss her ring finger. Like always her wedding and engagement ring were on her necklace hiding below her shirt, Dan's joining them for safe keeping for the race. He'd be allowed wear it but that meant publicity and neither of them wanted that.

"Good. Go fast, be safe, and come back to me. Please." She nearly got it out without the final word but Em couldn't help herself, looking up at Dan and trying not to cry. Please be safe. Please come home. She was panicking more and more about what he did.

"I always will."

It was one final kiss and a long hug before they left the room. Blake was standing outside the door waiting for them, clearing a path through the crowd to get them into the garage and away from prying eyes and just where the tv cameras could catch her but nobody else. It was clear he didn't want to leave where she stood, but one nod from their best friend and Dan kissed her on the forehead and went to get into the car.

Em wished he never did.

Qualifying was bad, but finishing second to last was even worse. He'd been overtaken by nearly everyone he qualified ahead of, and he was forever behind a Haas. As much as she adored Mick Dan shouldn't have been down there with him. As soon as he was weighed he came straight to her, the two of them finding a corner to just be for a few moments before the real world had to intrude again. She knew Blake and Michael were making excuses but she didn't care, arms around Dan and holding him tightly.

"I'm so sorry, Emmy. I'm sorry I fucked up and disappointed you." The heartbreak in his voice was too easy to hear and she was so angry that he thought she could be disappointed in him.

"Hey, no. No, Danny. You can never disappoint me. Not ever. Not about a result in a race. I love you. I love my husband. I love my Danny. Fuck this entire circus, I care about you. Not cars on a track."

"I love you too. So fuckin' much. You don't know how much I do."

"I've a slight idea. You're gonna be ok. We're gonna be fine. Three to go."

"Three left. Yeah." He was quiet for a moment and she could feel him taking a deep breath in. "I don't wanna go to media."

"I'll pay the fine if you want. I offered to in Monaco. Whatever makes you happy." She nearly thought he'd take it, but instead she watched as he stood up and pressed his thumb against where he knew their rings hung on her necklace as if for good luck.

"I'll see you after? We can go and pick up our bags from the hotel before we go to dinner with everyone."

"Sounds like a plan, I'll pack up." She went to separate but took her necklace off, unthreading her thin gold wedding ring from the chain before putting it back on. Dan watched as she held it up before handing it over. "For your pinkie. I'm right there with you while you're doing it."

It took everything in her to let Dan leave and go in front of the media. She knew some of the reporters, knew the ones who'd be good to him and wouldn't ask awkward questions that left him with no hope for a good answer. They could leave soon and that was what mattered.

Her brain kept boiling over with revenge plots that she knew in her heart and soul she couldn't let happen. She couldn't destroy McLaren, as much as she wished she could. It would hurt more than help. So instead she focused on putting everything into backpacks. Usually it was done neatly, clothes folded and cables coiled up. This time she just put it all in as fast as she could. She wanted to be out of the room the moment Dan arrived up to say they were free. The TV in the corner was playing an interview with him, and the moment "I don't know how I'm continuing to continue on" came out of his mouth she was so angry. She needed to be out of the circuit.

Everything was nearly done when she heard it. The remote was in her right hand to switch the TV off when Zak Brown's face appeared on it talking about Dan's performance and how he wasn't performing. She knew but seeing him talk about personal problems made her want to scream.

Em remembered Dan's description of his anger that day in Baku when the photo of them was made public. The way everything took over because the woman he loved was hurt and he couldn't change it. He had to control himself because Em needed him. And that evening in Austin she felt the exact same way, but this time there was nobody else to stop her. Without a second thought her fist made contact with the metal door hiding her from the world, a sickening crunch heard as she made contact.

“Fuck. Fuck!” Em clutched her hand to her chest as she stared at the dent in the metal door of the drivers room. She hadn’t meant to do that. It was supposed to be a little hit just to get her frustration out. Instead she couldn’t bend her fingers and she wanted to cry.

The fucking race and Zak Brown opening his fucking mouth because he couldn’t stand that the attention wasn’t on McLaren for one damn weekend. But no he had to say the cost cap penalty wasn’t enough and talk shit about Dan and if it was his face or the door at least his face wouldn’t have hurt so much.

“Ems? You ok?” She looked up to see Blake walk into the room as concern spread across his face. “TimTam what happened?”

“Punched the door.” He moved her hand and she groaned while a tear fell. “Fuck that hurts.”

“I want Michael to look, I think you might have broken it.”

“I’ll be fine till we get to Mexico. I just need to get out of here. Please Blakey.”

She nearly got through to him and convinced him to stay quiet until the door opened and Dan and Michael arrived in.

“Emmy?”

“She punched the door, her hand’s swelling up and it’s already starting to bruise. I think she might—“

“Don’t say it. Just don’t.” She was hanging on by a thread. Someone actually saying it was broken would make her lose every moment of composure she had left.

“Let me take a look.” Dan held her waist as Michael got her to twist her wrist. Flexing her fingers was completely out of the question and even in the ten minutes since it happened it was clear that her hand was swelling quickly.

“Looks like a boxers fracture Wriggle, but you need an X-ray. It might be the finger beside it too. Hospital.”

“I can’t go to the hospital. If I get spotted? If someone realises I’m there? It’s more bad fucking publicity. I’ll be fine.” She rambled for another minute before Dan stopped her with a kiss.

“Give us a sec?” Blake and Michael left the room to let them be alone and Em looked up at Dan. “You need to go, Baby. You need to. I don’t want my wife getting any more injured. I’ll go with you and we’ll be in and out and it’ll be fine. But please. I need to make sure you’re ok.”

“Fine.”

She didn't know how they managed to get out of the circuit without attracting more attention but she would forever be happy about it. Blake found a hotel near their house and pulled up, Dan walking in with her wearing a Ric3 hat to try avoid attention. He had to fill in the paperwork because she couldn't balance the clipboard with her injured hand. Em grinned watching Dan put her married name on the sheet and marking himself as her husband. The hospital needed to know it.

The triage was miserable and she was called back with Dan, leaving Michael and Blake behind. They did the same tests before and then asked Dan to leave the room for a few moments to go out to the waiting area. Her anxiety was ratcheting up as he left after the confirmation that she'd broken a bone in her hand, the medical staff asking her exactly how it had happened and if she was protecting herself. She didn't understand why they were asking until it was too late and Em was left alone in a room with a doctor and nurse.

"You can tell us what's going on. We can protect you." Her exhausted and anxious brain didn't make the connection.

"Protect me from what? A door I won't see again because this was Dan's last race there for...possibly forever? I'm not going to punch it again. I just want to get fixed up and go home."

"Is home safe for you, Mrs Ricciardo?"

They didn't ask that. They didn't. They couldn't. Home was the only safe place she had left in the world. Whether it was the farm, the apartment in London or one of the ridiculous places they called home it was safe for her. Anywhere that wasn't another Hilton hotel room was safe. Lying down with her husband and feeling him hold her was the best thing she had going for her. That was what she needed, to curl up with Dan on their mattress and have him hold her and tell her it was going to be ok.

"Home is my safe place. I've got my home and my husband and my family. Why are you asking this? Where's my husband? Why did you make him leave?"

"We think it might be better for you to-" The soft voice of the nurse made her angry. They were trying to convince her that something was wrong and as little as Em believed in her brain right then she knew Dan was right. He was the glue holding her together.

"You don't know me. You don't know what's best for me. You have no idea. I want my husband. Please. I just want my Danny. why isn't he here?"

"Ma'am, we're just trying to protect you." Em shuffled back on the bed, away from the nurse who had medication in her hand.

"Are you not listening to me? There's nobody to protect me from! I told you already, I punched a door in COTA. My husband didn't do anything, I'm the one who made a stupid mistake. Go ask anyone out there or my therapist or my psychiatrist, my husband isn't a violent man. Danny wouldn't hurt a fly. Why aren't you listening to me? Isn't that supposed to be your job to listen?" The yelling in her head was getting even worse, she didn't want to be there. She wanted Danny and could feel the tears pricking against her eyelids as she shut her eyes. She just wanted Danny.

"Mrs Ricciardo, please. Let-"

"Don't touch me. Don't you dare touch me. I want my hand fixed, and if you think you're touching me you're only doing it in front of my husband or brother. I'm not doing it without them here."

She felt ridiculous. She was like a child throwing a tantrum but her head was screaming. She felt like her skin was on fire, the questions and insinuations about Dan making it even harder to think. Her broken hand was held against her chest as she brought her knees up, good arm wrapping around her legs.

The medical staff moved away from her and Em focused her breathing. She could do it. She'd be ok. If they didn't let her go she could run the second the door was open. She couldn't stay. The boys were outside and she knew they wouldn't leave her alone. They were just sitting outside and she could go out to them once the doctor was gone. All Em could do was try to hold herself together until she could go back outside.

When Dan came back out Blake could tell something was seriously wrong. His best mate was shaking his head, worry and fear spread across his features.

"DR?"

"They think I'm hurting her. They think I'm hurting Emmy. My Emmy? I...they think I broke her hand. The doctor all but wrestled me out of the room. She was crying and they made me leave. They might want to keep her in. I heard someone mention a psych consult for her room. B I can't. She can't." The guilt rushed through Blake's veins at the mention. They knew how fragile Em was. It was obvious that she'd barely made it through the weekend, they all knew that she was barely keeping herself together. But he thought Dan needed him more and left her alone and this had happened.

"It's gonna be ok. She's not staying here. It's not happening." He didn't know where the conviction came from but it did. "They came over and said they needed her insurance information. I have some stuff but you need all of it. Plus pay whatever they need before she comes out and you have to tell her whatever the treatment costs. I'll be here for when she comes back."

"Yeah. Yeah. Thanks. Both of you, I dunno what we'd do. She has to get out."

"She will. Go." He watched Dan be directed to a back office before sitting down and thinking who he could call. Who had the pull here? He wasn't sure.

"Maybe it's better she stays here. Em needs help. Travelling isn't helping. She can get better and Dan can focus on racing and after the season's over she can come back." Blake didn't believe what he'd heard.

"Take that back."

"We both know she's struggling. And you won't let me help her physically at least. Maybe this is a good thing." Michael sounded so sure and that felt like a kick in the teeth.

"We're in Texas. Austin's the good part of it but this state is dangerous for women. Add to that do you really think he'd focus? After how he was when she left. And the one person who calms her down is Dan. Why do you think I keep changing his schedule to give them five minutes?"

"But if she needs-"

"No. Just fucking no. You're fired." Dan had been considering it but after this? Once the season was up he was done. So done.

"Huh?"

"We'll talk about it later. But go back to the hotel. I don't know where we're staying tonight but just go. I don't want you anywhere near her. Not a fucking chance. Get out and stay away." Michael stood to leave as Dan came back, confused.

"What happened?"

"He's going back to the hotel. Remember we were talking about him leaving at the end of the year? I told him."

"But..." Blake didn't want to do it. Didn't want to shove another thing on his best mate's plate. He couldn't.

"He thinks Em might be better staying. He's worried about her too. I told him to go back to the hotel, it's stressful."

"If it was London or Perth I might say yes. She's been sleepy, she's been miserable. Getting out of bed is impossible. But not here, I can't leave her in the States. We just need to get to Abu Dhabi. We can get her there?" He was nearly begging and Blake nodded. Whatever it took he was getting them through the next four weeks. However he could.

"Mr Ricciardo?" An unfamiliar nurse came over and Blake stood at the same time Dan did. "Your wife needs painkillers and a cast. They want to get a psychiatrist down for her but there's nobody on call tonight. I'm assuming from what she said she has one?"

"Yeah. And a therapist. It's been helping but this year has been bad." Understatement of the fucking year as far as Blake was concerned.

"I'm a fan, I know what's happening. I've got an ortho to wrap her hand and get you both out but she won't let anyone in unless it's you or her brother? I don't want them seeing you there, is her brother here?"

"That's me." He watched her take in the clear differences between him and Em, the accents being the most prominent.

"Parent trapped or something? As long as she says you are that's what matters. Come back and we can get her out in ten."

"Deal." He followed her straight back, terrified to see how Em was when he got to the room.

Em was ready to fight anyone when she saw the door open, a new nurse walking in with an IV kit in her hand. But Blake was standing right behind her and Em thought she could breathe again.

"B?"

"Hey Timmy." He came straight over and took her right hand, squeezing once and it was like the crushing weight on her chest lifted slightly.

"Where's...I don't know where Dan is? A doctor took him out to ask him questions and they think he hurt me and they don't believe me? I told them. I told them what I did but they didn't believe me."

"It's ok Emmy, calm down. I'm right here, I told them it was you who hit the door. It's fine. Dan's fine, he's out there filling in forms and billing stuff so he asked me to come back to stay with you. You know what American hospitals are like." She started to calm until the bill hit her. This was going to be insane and he shouldn't have to pay it.

"No, no it's gonna be so exp-"

"You think that health insurance we have doesn't cover America? He just has to give details. As soon as you came on full time he added you to the health insurance. It's all good."

"Thanks Blakey."

"Any time, Timtam. But you need to let the nurse do it, ok? It's just a painkiller so they can set your cast. There's a new doctor who isn't a dick outside. But they can't do it unless you've got fluids and a painkiller cause it'll hurt."

"I dunno what I can take with my medication. I don't want to feel fuzzy." Tears of frustration were there about to fall. She didn't want to talk. She wanted to go back to when she didn't need to talk because Dan knew what she meant. It was too much.

"Do you trust me?"

"You know I do." It was the honest truth. She trusted him more than she trusted anyone, even herself.

"Then let her give you this so you can get fixed up and we can go home. It's all good."

The only reason she agreed was because Blake asked her. He was safe. He was always safe. He was the reason she came back in the end, the reason she agreed to go to Monaco and see Dan again. He wouldn't let anyone hurt her, and she knew that. So she took a deep breath and squeezed his good hand as the needle went into her elbow, the nurse showing her the bag of saline and the bottle of IV paracetamol before it was hooked up.

Blake held her while they went through everything, a thick white cast wrapped around her hand feeling heavy as she sat there. He kept telling her how brave she was and how good she was doing while Em just sat looked at the floor. Once she was ready to leave he helped her up and put his hoodie around her, the nurse smiling and wishing her well.

If Blake didn't have an arm around her shoulders she would have fallen when she saw Dan outside. His eyes were red, face in a frown and he just looked defeated. He hadn't looked like that since they'd gotten the call that his contract was being ended. Her husband sat in an empty corner of the hospital waiting room with a cap on trying to be unnoticed, totally lost in his thoughts. It wasn't until Blake called him that he realised they were there, standing up and arms immediately going around her. Em felt like she could finally, finally breathe again.

"Can we go home? Please?" She whispered against his chest. The terror that someone would hear and not let her leave was all encompassing.

"Let's get out of here. I finished all the paperwork, they said you were just finishing up. We're all good, let's go home."

"Can we stop for pizza? I want cheese pizza and they said I need to eat." Dan had his arm around her directing her out, agreeing that they'd stop. "Wait. Where's Michael?"

"He went back to the hotel to pack, it's all good. Let's head." Blake led the way to the car so they could finally leave. Em slid into the back seat, Dan across from her and holding her hand.

She didn't remember much of the drive back to the house. She knew they stopped for pizza, Blake getting back in the car with boxes. There was a conversation about what the official story would be, how they'd tell people she'd broken her hand. Honestly she didn't care. She didn't want to give a shit about telling people what she was doing or how she'd been hurt but she didn't have a choice in that anymore. The world got to know everything about her.

When they made it inside Dan brought her to their room, helping her get her jeans and bra off and instead putting on cosy pjs. Blake had seen her in worse, this didn't matter to her. Instead he brought her back to the kitchen where Blake had shared their food out.

She made herself eat two slices and it was enough, after that Em curled into Dan and held onto him so tightly she thought she'd burst. The painkillers had dulled her hand to a throb and she just wanted to sleep. There was talk of moving a flight and sorting stuff and she didn't care. She just wanted to sleep.

But there was a voice in the back of her head getting louder and louder. Dan wiped her face down with micellar water and helped her into bed, pulling her close once he'd stripped down. Her ring was still on his pinkie and it made her smile.

But she'd tied him down to a crazy wife who couldn't keep her shit together. She'd given him the option in Montreal. Chloe had told her about a walk up Mont Royale where you could see the city laid out beneath you. She'd said it to Dan then, that he could leave. She wouldn't blame him for leaving then. He could go and be happy and find someone who deserved him.

He didn't sign up for a girlfriend with mental health problems. Who was having a breakdown and ruining their lives. Who had days where speaking was too much for her, the words wouldn't come.

It had happened since she was a kid. Maybe not exactly like this but she'd always had to find coping mechanisms and now it didn't work. It wasn't her fault as a kid when her parents wouldn't help her and when she was in uni and couldn't afford anything apart from the six sessions from her uni gave her of therapy. But it definitely wasn't Dan's responsibility.

He deserved to be happy, he deserved to be with someone who loved him and wanted him to take a reserve role or the job with Haas. He deserved a happy wife and life and a family that she didn't know if she could give him. She didn't know if her anxiety would ruin them. It was so much.

So she was going to tell him he could leave. He deserved the world and maybe she wasn't the one to give it to him. She couldn't pull him out of drowning and she'd pull him down with her. She was going to ruin him and his reputation and his life, and she couldn't do that to him. She couldn't hurt him the way her mental health had hurt her. Anyone in their right mind would have walked away from her by then, but with the stress no wonder Dan didn't. Everyone else had left. Her parents, her extended family, her friends, her boyfriend. But Dan had been emotional and she'd proposed to him and it was so wrong. She'd basically forced him into it. It was a stupid, stupid decision and she'd ruined his life by doing it. So she was letting him go for his own good. He'd be happy to.

"Baby? Emmy you're crying. Do you need more painkillers? What's going on?" She hadn't realised she was crying. She didn't even mean to. Em took a deep breath before saying the words that were going to ruin her.

"I won't blame you. Y'know. If you want to leave. We've only been married for nine weeks, you can leave. No fault divorce, we leave with what we came in with. I don't want anything. You deserve better than a broken wife who can't keep herself together. I don't want to hold you back. I don't want anything. I can go."

The room was silent and Em could feel her heart break the longer the silence went on. It was over. Married for nine weeks to the love of her life and she had just ended it. In the same room he'd proposed to her so they could get married properly less than a week ago. How had she said yes then? She went to move out of the bed but Dan's iron grip kept hold of her.

"Don't ever say that. Never. Never ever. You are the only woman I want in my life. You're not broken, Emmy. You are here and whole and alive and beside me. I can't lose you. Please don't ask me that. Please don't ask me to leave you because I can't. I'd walk away from all of this before I lose you. You're my wife, Emmy. I promised I love you. I'm not leaving."

"You're not leaving?"

"No. I'm not going anywhere. Never. The day I got to put that ring on your finger was the best day of my life. I love you. The same way you love all of me for some reason. We're gonna fly to Mexico in a few days and we're gonna make you feel better. It's gonna take time, but we're going to be here. It's going to work. I promise. Come and sleep, Love. I'm not going anywhere."

Em curled into him, pushing a kiss against his chest. Sleep didn't come easily to her, but the noise of Dan's heartbeat and the warmth of him against her let her finally sleep.

@dr3lover @sabrinaselina55 @majx00 @tall-tanned-tattoo @lovingdennishauger @lauehr @msolbesg @f1medlife @idkwtfimdoing2 @leclercsbae @hiphopdancer101universe @mehrmonga @lewispool @saintandrea-droidsmuggler @coldheartedmar @sugarbabygirlofdaddy @nonsensical-nonce @a-distantdreamer @tita010 @leslizzle @javden @mloyer @saintandrea-droidsmuggler @magical-imagination-kgp @danarysstormborn @kakorrhaphiphobia @g-l-o-b-e-w-h-o-r-e @elizanav @neiich @luckyladycreator2 @scotlynaurora @belledawnidk

#daniel ricciardo x reader #daniel ricciardo x oc #call it what you want fic #ciwyw writing #daniel ricciardo fic #daniel ricciardo fanfic #daniel ricciardo oneshot #daniel ricciardo imagine #f1 imagine #f1 oneshot #formula one fanfic #formula 1 oneshot #formula one imagine #formula 1 imagine #f1 fanfic #f1 fic #formula one oneshot #formula one fanfiction #formula 1 fanfic

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somber-sapphic · 10 months

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Was wondering if I would be ok to request a sick reader with Wandanat where readers just come out of surgery (could be for anything, like injured on a mission, wisdom teeth etc) and they’re kind of loopy still, not really sure if it counts as a sick fix though so I don’t mind if it’s not your thing 😅

A Little Less Wisdom

〖Notes: Okay, I had my wisdom teeth out a few months ago and I thought I'd be funny after waking up. NO. I just cried. I cried a lot. And then I got confused and hit my ride home. It was a long day.〗

〖Summary: You need your wisdom teeth out.〗

〖Word Count: 1320〗

〖Pairing: Wandanat x Sick Reader〗

☾Masterlists☽

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

Out of all of the problems you could face as a superhero, ‘impacted wisdom teeth’ was never on your list. It hadn’t even crossed your mind; it just wasn’t something you’d ever believed that you’d need to worry about. Maybe there was a part of you that considered the possibility, but when there were so many other more dangerous things to worry about dental health didn’t really make the top hundred.

But two weeks ago, when your girlfriends had noticed the way you were avoiding hard foods and the copious amounts of over-the-counter pain meds you were taking, they finally said something. It really didn’t click to you that anything was wrong until Natasha had brought it up, a look on her face that betrayed her true concern.

Once they had completed their makeshift intervention, you began to notice the real pain in your mouth and began to wonder how exactly you had ignored it in the first place. Your best guess was that something was always hurting from one battle or another, that this one just didn’t seem too pressing. That sprained ankle had been a worse issue than the tooth pain. Until you noticed it, of course.

After a checkup from Dr. Helen Cho (who reiterated over and over again that she was not a dentist) and a few x-rays later, you were found to have “severely impacted” wisdom teeth. Not just regularly impacted, but severely. Not only that, but it was all four of them. You didn’t do anything in halves.

Wanda had been shocked at how well you had been hiding your discomfort, while Natasha was more focused on helping you to feel better. She wanted you to have surgery as quickly as possible, stating her concerns about possible complications and expected recovery time.

This was her way of expressing her love, getting overly caught up on details, and making sure that everything was 100% taken care of so that neither you nor Wanda had to worry. She was a wonderful girlfriend.

The day of the surgery came and went, a mission getting in the way of your dental care. This didn’t particularly bother you, part of you (as embarrassed as you felt) was incredibly nervous about the operation. You had read up about it in secret and had learned about every single complication ever recorded in human history.

This was, of course, a bad idea. Now you were panicking about dry-socket, nerve damage, infection, and possible death as a result of the anesthetic. The idea of being completely out of control of your surroundings was not one that you particularly enjoyed.

Unfortunately, beings who wanted to destroy the human race could only keep you from getting your wisdom teeth out for so long. The day arrived and you were mildly freaking out about it. Wanda, who could literally sense your emotions, had been trying to keep you calm by distracting you with silly little tasks and offering small comforts.

Natasha was less subtle about her attempts to soothe you; she straight up hadn’t left your side the whole day. She kept murmuring reassurances to you while you watched some dumb TV show and had even done research of her own to combat what you had found. She combatted your fear with love and statistics. These two very different ways of trying to make you feel less anxious were working very well together to put you at ease.

You lay back in the dentist’s chair and stared with panic-filled eyes at your loving girlfriends who were hovering in the doorway, unable to enter the sterile field. Suddenly, a very loud thought filled your head.

It’s all going to be okay. Breathe. We’ll be right here. You’ll be okay.

It was hard to describe how it felt when Wanda projected a thought into your mind. You could tell that it wasn’t a thought of your own, it had a comforting feeling. A soft, gentle, loving feeling. It put you at ease more than the intravenous anesthetic that was being pumped into your body.

The last thing you felt as you closed your eyes was that lingering emotion that Wanda had pushed into your mind.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

“They’re waking up,” Natasha murmured, nudging Wanda slightly. The witch looked up from her phone where she had been anxiously tapping away at some game, a look of relief flooding her face. The two women stared down at you, both smiling as your beautiful e/c eyes fluttered open.

“Hey sweetie, how are you feeling?” Wanda cooed softly, reaching out to brush a few strands of hair out of your lashes. You opened your mouth as if about to speak, but then closed it again. You repeated the motion a few times, your eyebrows furrowing slightly as you started to reach up for your mouth.

“No no no, let’s not do that. We’ve gotta leave that alone for now, okay?” The brunette chastised, quickly pulling your hand away. You pulled a pout, but the time it took for you to actually change your expression was absolutely hilarious. It took you a full five seconds to register that something had been said and react to it.

“Mh mufh iffmahds.” You mumbled around the gauze, the words you were trying to say lost around the cotton fabric stuffed into your mouth. Natasha leaned forward and bent down to kiss your head, leaving her lips there for a few moments to express her relief. She knew that nothing bad would happen to you, but the anxiety was always going to be there.

“Just rest baby, we’ll talk when you’re a little more awake.” She said kindly, grabbing Wanda’s hand as your eyes fell closed again. The redhead turned to her and grinned before kissing her soft pink lips.

“They’ll be okay Wands.” She reassured, resting her forehead against Wanda’s.

.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.

The peace of you being sort of asleep only lasted for twenty or so minutes. This time when you woke back up, you were ready to go. You quite literally came up swinging, your eyes wide and yelling something that neither of your girlfriends could understand through the gauze.

“Woah! Calm down, it’s alright babe, it’s okay.” Natasha said, reaching over to grab your fists.

“The chicken! The chicken’s comin’!” You cried, forcing the words out as you struggled against the grasp of your concerned girlfriend.

“What are you talking about? There’s no chicken!” The redhead replied, sounding frantic as she dodged a kick aimed at her face. You weren’t fully coherent, but your fighting skills were still very much intact. You had trained for this and were using your training to keep yourself safe from the aforementioned chicken.

“Robot chickens! So many, too many, can’t do it, gotta go!” You spat out, starting to get out of the reclining chair. You made it halfway up before falling back again, not entirely prepared for the weight of gravity. Gravity was hard.

“Y/n, Y/n. Listen to me. There are no chickens, okay? We’re in medical, you had surgery, and it’s all okay. Relax babes. You’re safe. It's just Nat and me.” Wanda soothed, putting every bit of calming energy into her voice. She felt bad for using witchcraft on you to alter your emotions, but she needed to calm you down as quickly as possible.

Thankfully, it worked. You sat back and relaxed, your body going limp against Natasha’s. You quite literally fell against your favorite assassin but remained conscious this time, breathing heavily as you relaxed again.

“I don’t like poultry.” You grumbled, nuzzling your face into Natasha’s shoulder. The redhead laughed softly, and Wanda let out a weary sigh, a grin spreading over her face. The operation was over, but it was becoming more and more obvious that that had been the easy part. Now they had to deal with an incredibly confused, slightly high you who would probably remember absolutely none of this.

〖Join My Taglist!〗@lovelyy-moonlight, @bloomingflowersthings, @lots-of-pockets, @asiangmrchk13, @fxckmiup, @animealways, @scrambled-brain-eggs, @kljhsong, @juststuckhereforever, @fayhar, @chairhere

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suzukiblu · 6 months

Text

Day two NaNoWriMo; obligatory sugar daddy Tim/sugar baby Kon AU.

"Well, you are the plan guy," Kon says, grinning again and pushing his sunglasses up into his hair. "Supreme?"

"Works for me," Tim says. It's meat and dairy and bread and vegetables and Kon is probably invulnerable to heart disease, so he figures that's basically health food to him, right? Especially if he needs more calories than the average guy.

Pizza's sure as shit gonna be more satisfying than a protein bar, if nothing else.

Tim's definitely ordering like, breadsticks or wings or something too. And maybe a two-liter or two. Cinnamon bread. Something. Hell, he'll buy all that and then some if he has to. He's got the money.

Who the hell decided it was okay to let this happen? Really. Is there literally no responsible adult in Kon's life to intervene in this situation? Dubbilex was made by Cadmus too and has his own issues with managing to have an out-of-lab life, Rex Leech is apparently out of the picture, which might be a blessing anyway, Tana Moon is equally MIA, and Superman has apparently lost his entire damn mind, so . . .

There's literally no responsible adult in Kon's life to intervene in this situation, is there. There's no irresponsible adult in Kon's life to intervene in this situation. As far as Tim knows, every single other one Kon knows is either Cadmus-employed or a supervillain or just completely uninvested in his existence.

Maybe Tim should be talking to Red Tornado about this. Is this something he should be talking to Red Tornado about?

. . . sure, that'd help. Red Tornado is about five minutes back into being a person and has Traya and Kathy and the whole team to worry about, and absolutely could handle something like this while also trying to figure out his own shit and keep an eye on all the rest of them too. Sure. That'd work.

This is a problem, Tim thinks.

This is a definite problem, in fact.

He has no idea what to do about this problem, though, so he just orders a truly inadvisable amount of pizza and wings and double-iced cinnamon bread for pickup. They've done weirder than get takeout in the Super-Cycle and they'll do weirder again. Besides, it could use the . . . exercise, or whatever that counts as. Not like the Super-Cycle has muscles, but it does get tired sometimes and seem to appreciate getting out and–well, whatever. That's just something to figure out later, probably.

Tim really should figure that out, though. And also if the Super-Cycle is gonna be down for going supervillain, because yeah, that's obviously a thing to keep in mind.

He flies it to the pizza joint, and spends the flight casually grilling Kon about his coworkers and employee benefits and the Cadmus security systems. The answers are: a lot of lab-born clones and too many grown-ass adults who have no excuse not to know better, work-related health care and nothing else, and Kon and Guardian, mostly. And also some random weird death traps and a couple of cameras here and there, apparently, but it all sounds incredibly dated to Tim's ears and it really seems like Kon and Guardian are taking on the lion's share of everything more complicated than watching a feed or flipping on an alarm system. Like, it really does.

So that's not great.

"Jesus, man, how much did you order?" Kon snorts with a laugh while Tim's paying the girl at the drive-up window in cash. He doesn't really want to explain this particular expense on the Bat credit card. Generally he doesn't want to explain takeout and junk food on there at all, in fact, though obviously he makes a point of going to Batburger with Steph once a month, just to hear Bruce sigh about it later. Appropriate teenage nonsense and all. He gets the kids' meal and the terrifyingly purple Spoiler shake every time. It tastes like acidic cotton candy. Yes, literally. "Like just the whole menu or what?"

"Of course I did. I've got a Kryptonian to carry it all for me, don't I?" Tim replies with a smirk he doesn't really feel after everything he's learned today. Everything Kon just told him, because he doesn't see what's wrong with any of it.

It reminds him of the abused kids he meets on the job who insist they're fine, and they don't need Batman and Robin to save them.

He wonders if Jason was like that, when Bruce first met him.

He also wonders if he maybe did over-order a little on the pizza, but worst case scenario the leftovers should fit in the fridge.

. . . maybe, anyway. Probably.

Mostly?

Kon immediately cracks into the cinnamon bread on the flight back because he has absolutely no manners whatsoever, and Tim rolls his eyes at him and tries not to visibly brood over the five-alarm fire burning down his brain right now.

He just . . . doesn't understand how Superman is apparently just fine with this situation. He doesn't even understand how Kon is fine with this situation, but is increasingly certain that the answer to that might just be that Kon doesn't think he has another option.

He doesn't have another option, as far as Tim can tell. What would he do, crash at the base and just mooch off everyone else for food and gear and whatever else he needs day-to-day?

Yeah, not exactly a sustainable lifestyle, that.

Not even a little bit of one.

Technically, Tim could just pay for whatever Kon needed, between his allowance and his trust fund and without even taking his Bat-stipend into account, but there is no possible way Kon would ever actually go for that. He's way too proud, and even someone with no pride at all would probably find "please let me pay you to quit your horrible job" a hard pill to swallow from a teammate, much less the leader they only barely recognize the authority of.

#timkon #tim drake #kon el #conner kent #dc robin #superboy #young justice #young just us #rinfic #wip: obligatory sugar baby Kon

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zebulontheplanet · 2 months

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People often ask me what my autism regression with Catatonia looks like and what was it like.

I’ve always known something was wrong. Before, I was working. I worked at a local fast food chain, and started having issues. I found it harder to mask, I found I was having more sensory issues, I found I was having meltdowns nearly everyday because of it. I was so confused. What was happening? I didn’t feel burnt out.

On top of that, I started having episodes that I thought were seizure activity but weren’t quite making sense. I’d freeze and not be able to move for minutes to hours. It was debilitating but not yet serious enough that and I thought maybe it was a shutdown or something like that.

I quit my job. It was becoming too much for me. I was no longer doing the right things, I was constantly overwhelmed and frustrated with myself. I could no longer work without supports, and my job wasn’t willing to give me those supports. So I quit.

After I quit, I felt like things started happening so quick. I started unmasking both willingly and unwillingly, I could no longer mask and that itself was overwhelming. I started losing skills. I was no longer able to bathe myself without intense prompting, and I was no longer independent with my IADLs and needed constant care and help. Not to mention my physical health started to decline. I started having more and more of those episodes of freezing, but just sorta shrugged it off.

Over time, my masking became basically nonexistent, I was stimming ALL. THE. TIME. Just to keep myself regulated. My sensory issues were out of control. I was no longer low support needs and started self isolating and felt severely depressed.

My freezing episodes started to get better, but I still needed prompting for basically everything, which was frustrating. I was no longer a person I recognized and it was bad. As time went on, my freezing episodes got worse again, and I started losing all skills you could think of. I struggled to do everything. My speech started declining more, and I started using AAC. Which was a newfound struggle.

I’m now slowly getting better, but I got a name for my freezing episodes now. Catatonia. Diagnosed by a professional who knew exactly what was going on. I’m everyday now trying to gain back the skills I lost and be more independent, but things are slow, and I will probably continue to lose skills just to try and gain them back again and repeat. Things are complicated, and this post doesn’t even say everything I went through and everything I want to say. This is just a baseline.

I’m working on getting better, but with continued regression it’s hard. It’s hard to do things when you need constant care and help. But I’m working everyday, and that’s what matters to me.

#zebrambles #autism #actually autism #medium support needs #actually autistic #autism catatonia #autism regression

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ms-demeanor · 5 months

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hi! i’ve been following you for a bit and seen you post abt taking nutrition courses, and i was wondering if you could talk about how you found/vetted your program? i have a community-oriented foodservice job and i’m interested in learning more about nutrition, but i know there’s a lot of dubious stuff/outright pseudoscience in the field so i’m wary of just signing up for the nearest/cheapest class.

So if you're looking at doing nutrition in a serious academic in the US way you need to take courses in an ACEND accredited program; there is an industry compliance standard that is required for RDs/RDNs so I started from there and worked backwards. I looked at state schools in my area that had programs on that list, then looked at community colleges in my area. California has pretty strict rules about accredited community colleges and state colleges in terms of what is transferable and transfer-ability is one of the better markers of a program that is not hot garbage. The school that I'm currently at has a program that complies with the Cal State requirements for an AS-T (Associates of Science Transfer) degree for Nutrition. There's another nearby school that has a more comprehensive program that offers both an AS-T and further lower-division nutrition classes.

If you're not thinking about becoming an RD/RDN (which at this point requires an MS in nutrition, a 10-month internship, and board certification) but want to learn more, I'd still say that working backwards works and you will likely be well served by seeing which schools in your area have an accredited program, which community colleges - if any - they accept transfers from, and signing up for basic classes.

If you're interested in doing an online class, it looks like there's a free class (the audit option is free) on basic nutrition offered through EdX from UC Riverside - this course outline looks very similar to basic nutrition classes I've taken.

The thing is that in some ways nutrition is pretty simple; there are essential nutrients, we need to make sure to get enough of them, a lot of people don't get enough of them, and most people's nutrition can be improved by eating a varied diet that includes many fruits and vegetables with sugar and some kinds of fats in moderation (but everyone needs protein, carbohydrates, and fats as part of their diet).

In other ways nutrition is tremendously complicated, highly specific to individuals, and people look at it as a silver bullet to solve all problems. And the really frustrating thing is that if you've got certain kinds of issues (celiac disease being one example that I'm intimately familiar with) then proper nutrition IS actually a silver bullet. But it's not a silver bullet for, say, heart disease or diabetes (both of which *interact* with the foods a person consumes, but are likely not purely caused by food consumption and may not be significantly mediated by nutritional care alone).

And that makes it a field ripe for charlatans!

But if you're doing community-oriented food service specifically i think that you're probably going to do well looking into programs for nutrition for public health and looking at accredited local schools. If you can't do that, check on what's available from schools that are ACEND accredited but have online classes through stuff like EdX - the UC Riverside program falls into that category, and there were classes from Arizona State University - which has a really widely known, accredited, and popular nutrition program - in that same category.

But. Yeah. I'm sorry. The field is kind of a nightmare and huge chunks of it are very misleading and even if you're looking at well vetted stuff there's going to be some garbage and it's going to depend a lot on the age of the program and how long people have been teaching in that program. It's a mess! It's a fascinating mess but it's a mess nonetheless!

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keeperesque · 5 months

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hi, this is my dog! her name is magnolia mae and she's an elderly chihuahua-dachshund mix (estimated between 12-15 years old). she's a rescue we received from my roommate and best friend's late cousin about 5 years ago.

long story short, our sweet girl has been experiencing some severe and concerning health issues (extremely low RBC, WBC, Neutrophils, and Platelets), and she needs to have her bone marrow tested. this is extremely expensive (at least 1,200), and we're hoping to get some help. if you'd like more information on what's going on with her, that will be under the cut. otherwise, please consider using either of the below methods to help us take care of our sweet old girl!

ppal.me: @/daisyd0nati0ns (replace 0s with Os)

kof!: @/keeperesque

don't tag as d0nat!ons/etc, etc..

when we moved across the country during late 2020 to be with my wife, we brought her, as well as my elderly cat sampson and my two older rabbits, indie and digit.

2023, however, has not been kind to any of our pets. in february, we lost sampson to kidney failure - it was sudden and utterly heartbreaking. a month later, my wife found that digit had passed away in her sleep, and indie was put down shortly after due to health complications we could not afford to properly treat. since then, we've been extremely diligent with maggie's health - she eats special food for her kidneys, has vet appointments scheduled every 6 months, gets twice-daily walks, takes medication for her thyroid, and receives plenty of love.

unfortunately, starting with an emergency visit in september, maggie's been having severe problems with her blood - specifically an extremely low platelet count (33,000-55,000, normal levels are about 200,000), white blood cell count and neutrophils are extremely low, and she's extremely anemic. while she's on some medication to keep her stable, we aren't sure how long that will last, and it's taxing on her body.

after ruling out infectious diseases, we need to take her in to have her bone marrow looked at. the procedure, at the low end, will cost around 1,200, and up to 1,600, depending.

i also have pdfs available for anyone skeptical of these claims or who want proof of treatment.

we're not sure if we'll be able to save her, but we would at least like to know what's happening so we can make an informed decision on how to proceed, instead of watching and waiting for the worst. anything over the price of her procedure will, of course, go towards related expenses, such as treatments or end-of-life care.

if you read all of that, thanks. again, please consider helping us out!!

ppal.me: @/daisyd0nations (0 is an o)

kof!: @/keeperesque

have an extra maggie pic :)

#not peach #please rb and stuff #really anxious abt posting this but we are kind of desperate atm #i don't rlly talk a lot about my personal life online anymore fjkdlfs #so this is weird #and with her being so sick lately i don't have a lot of reasons to post pics 'cause it's jsut her sleeping in her beds mostly...

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turbulentscrawl · 3 months

Note

If I may ask, may you do general headcanons for emil, if not then just ignore this💜

Suuuuure can!

!Edited on 01/26/24 to add a few more small HCs!

Warning: Mentions of abuse (a lot)

-Emil’s health situation is as complicated as it is depressing. He suffers from chronic pain that’s a result of the years of abuse he’s endured—both in the dog fighting ring and in the asylum. Ironically, he’s got some of the highest pain tolerance out of all the survivors, but it’s difficult to tell when he’s I the middle of his worst days. (This pain tolerance is all psychological, however. A little something he developed as a defense mechanism.)

-Pain medicine does little for him now. He was on such high doses of opioids while in the middle of his shock and bloodletting treatments that they don’t help much anymore while also having dealt him some lasting issues like low blood pressure and brittle bones. This bone weakness, his parkour movements, and lowered sensitivity to pain mean he tends to suffer more severe injuries in matches than most.

-Emil’s communication skills have improved over the last few years, but he still struggles with writing and social cues. He’s used to the body language of dogs and angry men, so things like confident shoulders and direct eye contact make him nervous. If those behaviors are displayed towards Ada or another special person, he may become aggressive.

-In addition to his communication struggles, Emil’s emotions are also rather stunted; he often has disproportionate reactions to events and stimulus around himself. (He especially tends to under-react.) It’s very rare for Emil to cry or become genuinely angered. He spends most of his time with that pitiful, placating, resting smile and just letting the world whirl around him.

-Emil’s attachment to Ada mostly comes down to hers being the first truly kind hand he’s ever been offered. Despite any dubious motives, Ada does genuinely care about helping people, and at the time of meeting Emil she had not been a practicing physician long enough to be come jaded or careless. Other doctors did not spare Emil any sympathy because he was quiet and obedient, but Ada still gave him those. Her being in trouble is one of the few times this emotional reactions will be high—he’s terrified of losing his only source of comfort, and will become desperate and violent in order to keep her safe.

-Emil likes “being in a daze” because when he’s drugged up his constant pain is muffled. But he’s also less aware in general, and he’s so desperate for affection that he’s willing to forego the relief to be alert around Ada, or anyone else who dotes on him. Also similar to a dog, he’s fiercely loyal to Ada because she takes care of him. It’s not impossible for him to become attached to others too, but it will take time and repeat exposure to get over his protective urges. He’s more likely to get along with children and people Ada specifically introduces him to.

-Emil doesn’t have much preference in regards to food; he’s used to eating slop, scraps, and dog kibble. He does, however, like cakes because Ada always gave those to him as a “treat.” They represent another form of praise and affection to him. He prefers to eat with his hands than utensils—it hurts to try gripping those tiny things.

-Emil is afraid of dogs, and this unfortunately includes Wick. He and Victor don’t get along well because of how much the pup means to the Postman. He does seem to have some fondness for Ann’s cat, though.

-Most love languages work well for Emil, but Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation are his favorites to receive. (He rarely knows what to do with the gifts he’s given, however.) To give, he likes Acts of Service and Gift Giving. Emil loves to be touched gently, for any reason. Pet his hair, rub his back, massage his hands, he doesn’t care as long as you’re doing it with the intention of being loving and gentle. He even easily forgives missteps that aggravate his pre-existing pain. Uneducated as he is, Emil still knows what remorse looks like. The gifts he gives are rarely valuable in a monetary way, but he likes to share pretty things with the people he loves. A wire ring, a nice rock he found, the undamaged wings of a dead butterfly, you get the idea.

-Sexual abuse was among the abundance of mistreatment he suffered growing up. If and when Emil does engage in those sorts of activities, they require patience and a lot of communication to avoid triggering him. Ironically, he does better with those things when he’s NOT being regularly treated by Ada because the memories are buried too deep to crop up.

-Emil is somewhere between the ages of 25 and 28. As an adult, he grows facial hair, but he's not able to shave himself due to both a nervousness about knives and unsteady hands. Ada does it for him about once a week, and it's a time-consuming activity due to Emil needing regular reassurances.

-Another trait he's picked up from his canine company is "licking his wounds." And other people's if he cares about them enough. You've cut your finger? In his mouth it goes. Saliva does tend to promote healing to an extent, so most people let his behavior be.

#idv x reader #identity v #idv patient #emil x reader #turbulentscrawl

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pansear-doodles · 10 months

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Was slightly delayed due to mental health stuff but Spearmaster is now in Art Fight

Description below

Name: Spearmaster (Spear, Speary, Spears) Pronouns: Any/All Likes: Drawing, Crafting, Quiet Places, Climbing, Ice Cream, Sweet Digestable Food, Nectar, Being listened to, Progression, Being praised, Looking their best, Solving Puzzles, Getting technical Dislikes: Frequent bodily touch (unless consentual), Being caught off-guard, Being ignored, Bitter-tasting foods, Being shouted at, Staying dirty, Feeling out of place, Pressure on the chest

History: During Wanderer's silent departure, Seven Red Suns created Spearmaster using the same DNA Wanderer was made with, added some modifications to ensure the resilience of their new messenger. Spearmaster was born without a mouth but instead must rely on their spears to feed, and sign language they were taught. Spearmaster would spend most of their adolescence training and especially with Hunter, a slugcat created by Suns's nearest neighbor, No Significant Harassment. They would become friends and remain closely in contact, until internal complications arise. Another neighbor of Seven Red Suns, Five Pebbles, contracted the rot, and has stolen most of his sibling Looks to the Moon's water supply, slowly destroying her. Worried for the both of them Seven Red Suns makes an attempt to reason with Pebbles to make him stop. They appoint Spearmaster to deliver a pearl, carefully tucked inside their body so they wouldn't lose it, containing the message. Upon their arrival, Spearmaster was expecting a warm welcome, but was only met with anger and their pearl being violently ripped out, causing mass bleeding. Pebbles discards the pearl, disregarding its content and angry shuts out Suns, kicking Spearmaster out of their chamber. Slowly recovering, Spearmaster begrudgingly picks themself up and carries the pearl to Looks to the Moon, hoping for her answers on the manner. In her chambers, Spearmaster meets their adopted child, Rivulet, and the two became acquainted. Spearmaster consults with Moon regarding the issue with Pebbles, and she offers to rewrite the contents of the pearl, unable to find the answers on how to make him calm down. The pearl's new content consists of Moon's final message before her inevitable fall. As the structure starts to break, Spearmaster grabs a desperate Rivulet and carries them to safety. Feeling bad for the slugcat, they offer to accompany them to the Communication Arrays to deliver the final message. The two went on that adventure and throughout the whole mission, Spearmaster was listening closely to what their creator is thinking and overhears about their worry for the slugcat, as well as them feeling a variety of upsetting emotions regarding Pebbles and Moon. Initially, Spearmaster doesn't really have much forgiveness for their creator, but with these lone signaling messages and Rivulet's encouragement, they decide to come back after delivering the final message. They part ways with Rivulet, who goes back to Moon's fallen structure, feeling better than before, while Spearmaster returns to Suns, who greets them warmly and consoles with them. After spending a good amount of time with them, Spearmaster decides to visit Rivulet to see what they're doing- and to Spearmaster's surprise, Moon was reanimated once more thanks to Hunter's effort. The two start catching up on things, until they were visited by Monk and Saint, the former of which is looking for their lost sibling, while the latter guides and protects them. Befriending Monk, Rivulet and Spearmaster offer their help in escorting Monk to their roots- eventually reuniting them with their sibling. Altogether with the slugcats they've met in their respective journeys, they established a friend group. Spearmaster would later find their estranged sibling Wanderer, who turns out to be extremely guilty for contributing to Pebbles's and Moon's fall and hid away. But Spearmaster's calm assurance encourages them to open back up and console with Suns. Nowadays, Spearmaster serves as Suns's messenger, and continues to make contributions to their friends' day-to-day activities.

Personality: Spearmaster is sharp, observant, and abides to what is lawful. They carry out their tasks dutifuly and takes it quite seriously with almost no questions asked, though they do identify if certain circumstances are questionable. They are extremely loyal to their friends and family, listening to what they have to say and giving them their pieces of advice- most of the time, it is extremely helpful and encouraging. However, with Spearmaster's soft spoken tones and overall silence, most of their opinions are bottled up and unheard, and only when prompted they'd explode in talking about these opinions and thoughts, which happens rarely. They believe that their own woes are not prioritized, and even if others are open about the such- they're still quite stuck in that belief. They are not shy- their actions can speak louder than words and knows how to put their foot down, but they tend to not make the conversations about themselves and is hesitant to be put on the spotlight. Creative incentives such as drawing and crafting provides an outlet for Spearmaster to express themselves more, which brings them at peace. Having their inputs and thoughts dismissed can bring the worst out of them.

Biology: Spearmaster was a heavily bioengineered slugcat, with the only way to feed is through spears that can be pulled from their tail connecting to their systems. They do not have a mouth, being unable to speak in proper, but thanks to their long self-training, they are able to manipulate the noises that come out of their spear holes to create soft speaking noises. Their way of communication is emphasized further with modified sign language (ASL with some differences), and spear tapping. Spearmaster is agile and quick-witted. They are heavily armed in the arts of combat and defense, being able to wield two spears at once and chuck them at a far distance. Their tail spikes up when surprised or shocked. They are an adult.

Appearance: Spearmaster is a purple slugcat with a tall stature (tallest of the group), sharp snout and ears, blank eyes (but not blind), lean body and a spotted tail where the spears can poke out of the spots. They have a stitched sun-like scar located on their chest where the pearl once was. They like wearing fashionable clothes but also uniform and formal ones. Many of the clothes they wear are designed by them.

Relationships: Rivulet - Likes?/Best Friends - Despite Rivulet being extremely talkative, they can actually listen to Spearmaster- the two are very close and foil each other as a dynamic duo, always seen hanging out together. Spearmaster does have mild complex feelings about Rivulet, unsure about these slowly developing feelings. Hunter - Friends - Friends since childhood, Spearmaster knows Hunter just as well. They once had a crush on them, but its long passed and has moved on. Gourmand - Friends - Both keen listeners of each other, but Spearmaster does not open too much on them. Survivor - Friends - Spearmaster looks out for Survivor, pitying them on their past trials and tribulations in the wild. Artificer - Friends - They are in good terms, though Spearmaster is wary about Artificer's recklessness. Monk - Friends - They think they're a nice kid. Nightcat - Neutral - Doesn't mind talking to them. Enot - Neutral - Uh. Saint - Neutral - Highly suspicious of them and doesn't really trust them.

#rain world #rainworld #fanart #slugcat #rainworld downpour #rain world downpour #dp spoilers #downpour spoilers #spearmaster #my anthro au #art fight #my art

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alpaca-clouds · 27 days

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The Moral Complexity of a Meat Consumption

I said it before and I will say it again: There definitely is a subsection of the Solarpunk movement, who keeps going on about the future having to be "all vegan". In any Solarpunk space you will find some of this sort. Heck. You will also find folks in anarchist spaces, who will go: "Oh, you are an anarchist and still eat meat? So you do believe in hierarchies! Because you see yourself as higher as an animal!"

These days I am mostly ignoring those people, because I know that you really just cannot win those arguments with them.

Outside of chicken I do not really like meat. I do not like the taste or texture. But if I completely cut it out of my diet, I will get sick. Tried it several times. It did not work out. So, I cut it down to two days a week, which keeps my body in a somewhat sustainable equilibrium.

For me the issue is in how my body metabolizes certain aspects of food. But a lot of chronically ill and disabled people will have to eat meat and cannot cut it out of their diet. Maybe they cannot eat a lot of other proteins due to their allergies. Maybe there is stuff in plants that they cannot metabolize. And maybe they are autistic and literally can only eat like five different things. There are plenty of reasons people might just not get around it.

However... I also look at a lot of folks in the modern world eating cheap meat every single day, and I am shaking my head. Sure, some of them might need to eat meat daily, but let's be honest: Most people actually do not. Most people would be perfectly fine to cut down on the meat and only eat meat once or twice a week.

I personally absolutely do not see anything wrong with killing and eating animals per se. Because that is just how the world works. Some animals kill, other animals are eaten. Humans are just another animal.

What I do find issue with, however, is the industrial meat industry. The thing that makes it possible in the first place for folks to eat meat every day. Big plants where hundreds, if not thousands of animals are being kept, with only ridiculous amounts of antibiotics keeping the animals from getting too sick. With slaughtering plants that process hundreds or thousands of animals each day. That is just... Not how it should go.

I personally... since I cut down the meat in my diet, I can afford to actually just eat the free range animals that got to frolick out on the pasture for their entire life. Because frankly, yeah, it is double the price of the alternative, but... So what? For two times a week it works fine. (Also, frankly, there is less water in the meat and the meat actually has better taste and texture.)

So, you know, for me it would be totally fine if there just was no cheap meat at all and all meat was pasture frolicking animals. But even here it gets complicated of course.

Because... Well, there are poor people, who also need to eat meat for health reasons. And what are they gonna do? After all being poor makes you more likely to be disabled - and hence require stuff like that.

And it is exactly the big issue. And frankly... I honestly do not think there is any proper solution to this under capitalism. Because more than anything... capitalism sucks.

#meat consumption #eating meat #animal farming #animal husbandry #vegetarianism #veganism #solarpunk #lunarpunk #anti capitalism

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crisiscutie · 1 year

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Rating How Well Some Yandere Sephiroths Would Take Care of Their Pregnant Darling

Can’t find any gifs of OG Seph I wanted, so have Smash Seph, who’s basically him in HD form, haha.

This had just struck me out of nowhere, so enjoy a scenario of three lovely Sephiroths. Fair warning, this contains dark themes.

Content Warnings: NSFW, Pregnancy, Milk Kink, (Implied) Past Non-Con, Breeding, Emotional Abuse, Sephiroth’s Mommy Issues.

(OG) FF7 Sephiroth/Jenova!Sephiroth: The FAMILY MAN. 9.5/10

He will take time to commune with her, milk her and cuddle her with the main vessel. His mania is much more subdued around his pregnant darling. Despite the, er... Let’s say peculiar and uncomfortable, circumstances of the darling's initial pregnancy, he has been unexpectedly fantastic toward her. His duty to himself Jenova is steadfast, yet he still finds time to nurture his darling and her unborn spawn. He makes liberal use of his clones to make sure his darling isn’t lonely while the main vessel is off to business. He wants her pregnancies to run smoothly and without complications, so he takes every precaution to ensure her health and wellbeing. He is the most proper family-oriented of the three Sephiroths.

Jenova's natural, logical instincts enable him to take care of his pregnant darling's needs in practical terms, while Sephiroth's own love and devotion enables him to provide her with the emotional care she needs. He will keep his pregnant darling and the spawn in her womb close to him. For his darling’s feelings: Most of the time, she is in a state of bliss. She desires the sensation of Sephiroth's true touch, but accepts that she has to wait until his body is reconstructed. This Sephiroth deserves his outstanding rating. Definitley uses Jenova’s tentacles as foreplay.

CC Sephiroth (Nibelheim Incident): A manchild's family charade. 5.5/10

He will be incredibly sweet (most of the time), overly affectionate and extremely protective of his darling, Jenova, and his unborn child. But his temperament is like that of a broken, callous, and desperate child. He would have a near death grip on his darling almost all the time and she is NEVER going out of his sight. If he needed to, he would delicately place her aside, but she was never too far out of his vision. The only food he would accept was his darling's breast milk, the taste of which was like a warm salve to his soul, but the darling had a hard time convincing him to sleep. Sometimes, he would go into a terrifying tantrum, out of fear that she would leave him or be taken away (but he wouldn’t dream of hurting her, of course). Other times, he would tenderly insist on staying alert for any possible threats. He has a tendency to ignore his darling’s words during his deluded ramblings, but he always reacts to any perceived threats to his darling with lightning-quick lethality.

His darling loves him, but she’s deeply fearful for his wellbeing. His intense emotions are so overwhelming for him he can barely provide the basics needs for his darling. He sometimes had difficulty telling his darling apart from Jenova. Honestly, needs the 1 on 1 time in the Lifestream with Jenova like his OG counterpart to become more pragmatic and goal-oriented. His heart is there, but everything else? Not so much. Definitely forces the darling to carry Jenova’s head around.

AC Sephiroth: No... Just No. 2/10.

His tendency to use everyone and everything as pawns in his games of manipulation was clear, and his darling was no exception to his cruel treatment. He holds his darling close while he recites the former soothing words of who he used to be, finding a cruel delight in making her terrified and uncomfortable. His words and actions have a subtle, yet sinister, edge to them. The darling's basic need are always taken care of, but if she did something to make him happy, he would shower her with a little extra love. Much like his Jenova!Sephiroth counterpart, he uses his darling as a breeder but he is more cold and pragmatic about it, having the darling be impregnated almost immediately after her body has recovered.

Fearful of his presence, his darling has a secret yearning in her heart for him to go back to the way he was. Sometimes his deluded lectures make her optimistic and warm inside. Just whenever she felt her heart warming to him again, he’ll cruelly sank back into his most deplorable state yet. There’s just no winning with him. He is calculated and more ambitious than ever, but he is poor at tending to the darling’s emotional needs. Definitely has a plan for his darling to take on the same essence as Jenova.

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pom-seedss · 2 years

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On being “afraid of pain”

It can be very frustrating when people, especially doctors but people in general too, assume that I’m ‘afraid’ of doing things. If I hear one more person talking about how I must be “afraid of pain” I am going to start sobbing.

First of all, I have a pretty good grasp on my capabilities and limitations. I know what will cause me more pain not because I am anxious, but because I have done these things before and experienced the fallout. I am not afraid that I will be in more pain if I do this activity, I know for a fact I will be in more pain if I do this activity.

Choosing not to do an activity that I know will cause me more pain isn’t anything more than choosing not to touch a hot stove because I know that will cause me more pain. It has nothing to do with fear, it’s about knowing the consequences of an action.

Second of all, I have an excellent grasp on how my body is feeling at any given moment. Because 1. I live here, I’ve lived here for 34 years and counting and 2. I have been consistently told throughout my life to chart how I am doing, so self-reflection and self-assessment have been drilled into me from almost every health professional I have had contact with.

Doctors who work with me, rather than just on me, consistently confirm I know what I am talking about. When I say “x is feeling tight, but I think the problem actually stems from y”, I am usually right. At least as far as muscles and such, internal organs are out of my league and usually need more in depth tests to know what’s wrong anyway. But as far as the basic mechanics, first aid, general fitness acumen, I know how my body works and how things are connected.

Third of all, I bare more pain on a daily basis than most of these people will feel in a lifetime. I do not care that there is no ‘objective’ measure of pain, no way to really say what is painful because one person will react differently to stimuli than another. But I know what pain feels like because I am in it constantly. From the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep, there is never a time I am not in pain. It ebbs and flows, of course, and sometimes I ignore it or can flood myself with endorphins on a really good day so i don’t feel it, but it is never not there.

It becomes quite insulting how people infantilize disabled folks who have chronic pain. Especially fat disabled people.

When non-pained folks work out they experience some pain, soreness, aching and eventually healing. They assume that this is the kind of pain that will be felt and they tend to encourage people passed the aches and pains because their bodies will heal and be better for it.

For a lot of people with chronic pain, however, the cost is much higher. It’s not just ‘regular soreness added to our existing pains’, it’s less a simple addition and more a multiplication.

The general ache and soreness of working out may tip an already tired muscle over the edge into constant clenching. It might pull the joint out of place because there was too much tension on something already near the breaking point from strain. It can mean your core muscles tighten up and make your stomach clench and disrupt your food intake and cause bouts of nausea. It could mean having to take more pain medication that can have other adverse side effects like acedominaphine being hard on the stomach, which can cause long term digestive issues and further pain and complications.

So when all these factors and considerations and extra risks are all chalked up to “being afraid of pain” it really makes me feel like no one is ever actually listening to people in pain. Not just me, but any one of us.

When we say “that won’t work, I’ve tried it” or “that won’t work, I’ve tried something extremely similar to it” we are told we are just afraid to get better, that we’ve built an identity around our pain and we have to stop. I just want to scream at them that nothing is 100% effective for 100% of people and that people with adverse reactions to this thing that might help most people still exist and deserve to be treated as well.

I am not afraid of pain. I can and do deal with more pain than most people can even fathom. I can deal with more pain on top of my daily pain.

But only I get to decide what is worth the pain and the risks.

Just because I do not choose to spend my ability on whatever you think might help me does not mean I fear pain or am identifying too much with it.

It just means that I don’t find touching a hot stove to be worth it.

#disability #chronic pain #spoonie

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eelhound · 1 year

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"[The U.S. Surgeon General] is right to talk about loneliness as an important issue and social bonds as critical for our health and well-being — humans are social creatures, and we all need human support systems to thrive. But ultimately, calls that emphasize individual actions don’t quite work to solve the problem, and we need to promote a culture centered around the individual and the collective well-being.

For people to truly not be lonely or isolated, and to live meaningful lives in which their potentials can be realized, it’ll take more than atomized actors making small-scale connections; we need an entirely new social fabric which fosters social connection, and that has to come about through systemic changes, such as what Goldstein says in the rest of his tweet:

The indirect policy solutions on these things are one that centrist/neoliberals will never call for. Ones that give us time, basic needs met as guarantees. A basic income, a 30 (or 20) hour work week, guarantee health care and paid leave, reducing the scale of corporate power in tech, entertainment, advertising by immensely taxing corporate wealth/revenue (not just profits) and by limiting their ability to take over our public spaces and airwaves, fighting for union power, fighting automakers/car culture, fighting suburban developers, and so many more policies that actually foster and enable genuine social infrastructure.

How can you join a political group when you are working one, two, or three jobs to make ends meet? (Even one full-time job is exhausting enough.) How can you take a break to meet someone for coffee or join a reading group when you don’t have child care? How can you seek out new social connections when social media and streaming services are designed to be addictive and take up a lot of your free time? How can you make a social connection without having to consume something (say, buying food or drinks to get a place to sit) because public spaces for recreation are so limited? How can you meet up with a friend or family member who lives 20 miles away or multiple bus rides away? Or when your loneliness complicates depression or other mental health needs and you don’t have healthcare?

I’m not saying people never get to socialize. The point is that social and economic realities make it too difficult for the vast majority of people to develop healthy social lives. There’s also something cruel about telling people, 'These are the solutions,' but they’re things that many people can’t actually do. This makes it easier for people to then blame themselves when they don’t fix their loneliness — after all, the 'solutions' were available!

... The larger point here is that whenever we are told to 'do more of something,' we should ask whether society is creating the conditions for us to do that thing (assuming that thing is indeed good)."

- Lily Sánchez, from "The Surgeon General Should Stop Telling People to Solve the Loneliness Crisis on Their Own." Current Affairs, 3 May 2023.

#lily sánchez #quote #quotations #community #relationships #mental health #well being #activism #democratic socialism #socializing #adulting #loneliness #neoliberalism #capitalism #individualism

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simonalkenmayer · 2 years

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Abortion is murder

No.

A fetus is not alive until it can quit the host body. If it requires the mother’s body to live, it is as precious as a tick.

If a parasite crawled inside you, intent on becoming a real boy, you’d be within your right to murder it in self defense.

Having a child in this country, particularly while being a POC, is life or death. The USA ranks just above Turkey in maternal mortality rates. 23 per 100,000 live births doesn’t sound like much does it? There were over 3,600,000 births in the USA last year. Meaning over 850 women died in child birth. How many were white? POC make up a despairingly high number of those. So in those cases, labor is murder

Ectopic pregnancy is lethal to both parent and fetus. Labor is murder.

If you cannot care about her health and mental well-being, what entitles you to care about an unborn fetus?

How many children have you adopted?

Mandated vasectomy happens when? When are men going to allow the state to crawl inside their colon?

No one should ever be raped, then violated again by the government that forces them to allow a facsimile of their abuser within their own body, then raped and violated again by a system that forces them to risk their life to again give him some power. No one should ever be sued by a paternal donor for terminating a pregnancy to which they didn’t consent

Who is paying for the prenatal care and the hospital bills? Who will supplement their income so they can feed the baby? Who will pay for their school, lunches? Should they be born just to starve? Who is giving the parent PTO? Who will make it possible for them to raise it? What happens yo their future? Labor is murder for the futures of so many and the economy of the state

How many foster care children are thriving in this current system? How overtaxed is it? How many cases do social workers have? Foster kids are sigh risk for criminal behavior. Who’s going to give them options to keep them off the street?

So if we could take the fetus out and implant it on the man to carry, he’d be alright with that, yes? He’d be happy to carry it? How about we give men a mandatory pregnancy simulating suit for their trouble?

Incest leads to birth defects which could be lethal. Labor is murder

You’re not supporting pedophilia are you? Child rapists shouldn’t be allowed to force another child to have a baby should they? Seems dangerous and evil. How is a child’s body to survive a full term pregnancy? Labor is the death of a child’s life.

Things like this are ableist. I know someone for whom pregnancy would be a literal death sentence. This person has a number of health concerns. They are disabled. If they were raped, or had an accidental issue with one of their partners, they might end up pregnant, and that cannot happen. So what you’re actually saying to disabled people is: you need to do all the work and make all the sacrifice, so that you can sit and play the game with us, not “we will adapt the game to make it more possible for you to play”. Pregnancies kill disabled people. Labor is murder.

People deny the holocaust by saying “it would never have happened” but overlook the exact pattern as they watch it unfold. It’s beginning all over again.

Mental health is health, so if you ignore her mental health, you’re ignoring her health. Meaning stress. Meaning a sub optimum pregnancy. Meaning more complications for the pregnant person. Labor is murder.

Most Americans have access to food, but most poorer neighborhoods, are in what are called “food deserts” where access to nutrition is non-existent. This means pregnant people cannot get adequate nourishment to their bodies and those of the baby.

It’s impossible in this country to get a uterus removed either voluntarily or because of medical concerns, because…what if you someday want to bear spawn???? What will the menfolk who are in charge of you say!

This ruling would interfere with the rights of many religions that protect abortion, particularly for rape, health, or inces, and is therefore unconstitutional.

The ruling removes medical decisions from beneath the protection of a right to privacy, which, by the way, isn’t constitutionally protected, meaning all other life choices covered by the assumption of privacy will also be subject to legal attack.

If the parents are demonically oppressed, which they say more and more…then wouldn’t the baby be the demon?

People fleeing all the above will have unsafe abortions to avoid death, and die from complications. Labor is murder

I eat people, so … who cares

Banning abortion is murder. What defines murder? Preparation. Intent to cause harm. A method of doing it. Organization. Banning abortion by removing rights issues death sentences.

Forced labor is murder.

#abortion #rape

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