✨ summer 2022 goals ✨
Summer has finally arrived (sort of, still have a couple loose ends from this past semester to tie up) and I wanted to lay out some of my goals to maybe hold myself accountable, but also because writing things out usually eases my stress a little, and impending grad school applications are definitely making that stress pique.
THESIS
Source of the Day
I love this system and highly recommend for folks trying to move on from that initial research phase of collecting potential sources
Every day, read and write an annotated bibliography entry for one source from my thesis project in NoodleTools
This may feel like a daunting pace to keep up with given I do include weekends lol, but I’ve got a lot of blogs and listicles that I can and want to clear out rather quickly so I can move on to the things I know I need to work with more in depth. Also it’s totally okay to skip a day sometimes, it really is of no consequence
Read at least one of the novels I plan to use
At the moment I’ve got two novels of particular interest, both of them things I would honestly pick up if I were just reading for fun, and I know this fall is going to end up being a really reading heavy semester, so I want to be able to devote myself to these things the way they deserve while I can
Take notes while reading, of course
Draft an initial outline of an analysis based in the theory I’m using as my lens. And try to get at least 5-10 pages of a paper that can be expanded into a chapter and writing sample in the fall
Revisit my abstract
GRAD APPS
Begin drafting personal statements and statements of purpose
This is definitely one of the more daunting parts of the application process to me, so just getting anything, no matter how rough, on paper so it’s not completely ruining my life when we hit November and December would be great
Add to-do list columns to planning spreadsheet
Easy thing I can do and have done and feel accomplished about
Finish looking into potential advisors
Finish filling out notes in planning spreadsheet
Draft emails
Reach out in August
MISC SCHOOL THINGS
Turn in last blog comments for this past semester
This is something that needs to get done this week, hopefully today
Fill out Latin American studies course permission request form
This is actually super cool, I made a whole new course happen just because I asked a question no one ever had before! Big reminder that “you get some of what you ask for and none of what you don’t” will always ring true. But uh... yeah, need to get that form filled out at some point.
Write letter in support of my professor who’s up for promotion
Due July 15th
I’m not going to do any however many days of productivity challenge or anything, given I’ve got a lot of traveling going on this summer and a lot of unpredictability, but I will be posting updates as I go for sure, so come follow along! 🥰
(Also if you are someone who is in grad school for a foreign language atm and you’ve got any tips on the application process, please, I am all ears. Every time I think about the 20 page writing sample one of my applications requires I will admit I do cry, so all advice or words of encouragement are appreciated lol)
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Cuando Me Miras [M.P.]
I'd leave everything behind when Maddy looks at me like that.
PAIRING: Maddy Pérez x Trans boy
NOTES: Life-time crush. Smut implied. Maddy and Nate never met.
SONG: Cuando Me Miras - C. Tangana
WORD COUNTER: 2.8k
I always saw her as almost surreal; out of my league, out of anyone's league. It's very confusing for a little girl to feel this way towards a classmate, much more so when you feel it for the first time.
She looked down at the girls and with disdain at the boys. Winning beauty contests with her hands tied and failing subjects nonchalantly, constantly thinking that this town was too small for her greatness.
I would give anything for a minute of Maddy's attention.
Things changed in senior year, when she started keeping her middle fingernails short, wearing mini-skirts much more often, and giving me sneaky glances from across the class. Her perfume kept me in a kind of limbo, I dreamed of her practically every week and my legs weakened when I met her gaze. My infatuation was already almost completely unconcealed, she knew perfectly well and I couldn't do anything to avoid it.
—You on astral travel? –I blink a couple of times to clear my vision and look over at her, leaning with both hands on my table. Her hair falls to her shoulders, her collarbones look so delicate even under the school's LEDs that the prospect of having to form a coherent sentence right now overwhelms me– Hey! Are you still with us?
—Mh-mhm. Just thinking.
—Yeah, do it some other time. I need your test –I frown in confusion. What's going on that she needs my test? How long had I been looking at her legs before this? She snaps her fingers and reaches out to me–. Your test. Now.
I'd rather eat shit than contradict her, so I fold the papers and hand them to her I don't know why.
That little interaction is enough to keep my stupid teenage brain daydreaming for days to come. I think about her when I study, when I'm with my friends, when I see her and when I don't and I know that this has gotten worse for me noticeably.
Five minutes of her attention this time, please, God.
On Friday we have this festival. I consider myself the number one fan of high school festivals. I don't know what they're about, I don't understand the game or the rules of American football, the guys on the team make me nauseous and the seats hurt my ass. But the cheerleaders, I forget everything when I see the cheerleaders. I'd let them kick me, spit on me, step on my face and would thank them.
They come out, wonderfully made up, wonderfully coiffed, incredibly stylized in their uniform. My eyes go to her. How pretty.
Avery sits down next to me again and offers me a soda. She makes empty conversation as she pulls her blonde hair up into a ponytail.
—Then we go to the party, huh.
—Oh, Avs, if I see another straight white man with the most ordinary face you've ever seen making out with the hottest motherfucker you've ever seen 'M gonna fuckin' shoot myself.
—You are the most dramatically Shakespearean person I have ever seen.
—Oh Juliet, my Juliet, this gonna end in a double homicide and that's a threat.
When the game and performances are over we take Avery's car to her place. She puts on an obscenely tight dress, does her makeup and my makeup, fills my hair with star-shaped glitter and baubles that make me feel pretty. We pick up Amelié and go to the house of I don't know what player who drools over Avs.
I sit on the first couch I see, where I settle down before taking out my things and starting to grind. I see Avery and Amelié disappearing into the mass, ready to dance. On the contrary, I find it comforting to be unnoticed in the crowd, it's calm, feels like being in a different dimension for me.
I finish rolling the joint and light it up. The smell must be like a super signal to Rue, who finds me in the blink of an eye. She sits next to me, hands me her drink, and I pass her the joint.
—It has M? –I ask smelling the liquid and she nods.
She spends ten minutes talking about her girlfriend without barely taking a breath and says goodbye when she sees her sister walking through the front door.
I continue alone for another half hour until the first Spanish song we'll have in a long time comes on, even though a quarter of us here are Latinos, and I get up to find my friends. I spot Amelié with a redhead on her neck and start shouting the lyrics at her:
Pobre diabla
Se dice que se te ha visto por la calle vagando
Llorando por un hombre que no vale un centavo
Pobre diabla, llora por un pobre diablo
Amelié throws herself into my arms and I give her a spin. I don't know where she left the girl, but I'm glad she did. We dance the whole song. It makes me feel happy and euphoric, maybe it's just because I'm extremely stoned but I don't want to think about it too much. She dances and jumps until she is lost again among the people.
I laugh to myself. I gather my things that are miraculously still on the couch and go to the bathroom.
I throw the butt in the sink and wash the few parts of my face that aren't covered in purple paint. I hear the sound of the door and I raise my head, seeing Maddy's reflection in the mirror.
—Hey.
She doesn't say anything, just smiles at me and leans against the sink. She's wearing a dress that barely covers four inches below her low hips, her hair pulled back, knee-high boots. Has to be the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my entire life.
She taps her fingernails against the marble, again the right middle ones short. Isn't she straight? That gives me a chill.
—You look pretty tonight.
I dry my hands on my pants and position myself in the same way as her.
—Can I ask you a question?
—Sure.
—You want to fuck me, don't you? –I choke. This can't be happening, it's impossible. It's definitely the work of my stoned brain begging for a little spice. But it does happen because she keeps talking– I realize how you look at me, how you do it especially with my legs.
—Who wouldn't? –I shudder at my own response. Why have I said it like that? God, what an asshole. I want to go home and lock myself in my room. Maybe I'll skip our common classes for a week.
—Yeah, right? That's what I ask myself. And I ask it myself day, after day, after day, after day... But you never take the first step –she moves towards the door. For a moment I think I screwed up, but when I hear the latch I go to heaven. She turns and looks at me leaning against it–. What are you waiting for?
I walk toward her tentatively. I don't really know what to do. I have spent so many years of my life adoring this woman and now I am so close.
—I guess at a signal from you.
—Is this not enough signal for you?
It's the moment. I know it's the moment, I can't let it pass. I take her face in my hands and kiss her.
I'm so nervous that I forget to move for the first few seconds until she takes the initiative. It's messy and confusing, but it's so good. I've waited so long for this, I've had so many fantasies, so many failed attempts that came to nothing.
We move to the counter and I lean her against it. I don't know where to go. My hands itch. What do I do with them? I want to have them in too many places at once. I scan her face to make sure it really is her, travel my hands down her chin and cheeks, place them under her ears and stroke with my thumbs. It's obvious that I have never been so anxious about anything, but she fits perfectly.
—Why don't you let me take care of this? –she suggests without almost separating from my mouth and I can only nod.
She pushes my chest to give herself some space and get out of the confinement between my body and the sink. She has the most lustful look I've ever seen. She has so many things that I have never seen in anyone else.
—Down –she demands and looks down at the ground.
Before I know it, I'm already on the floor. I hold myself up straight on my elbows and watch her bend over. She straddles me, places her hands on the sides of my torso, and flies on top of me. I try to move towards her lips, but she quickly backs away and pushes me back into place.
—I wanna kiss you –I ask. My voice is completely distorted, I'm almost embarrassed to sound so desperate.
She ignores me with a smile and moves to my neck.
She still doesn't touch me. I only feel the heat and know she's very close.
—Be quiet. You don't want someone to come close to the door and hear you, do you, honey?
I deny busily, which must please her, because she closes the distance and starts kissing. Her plump lips feel like they belong there, at least to me. I want to feel this for the rest of my life. I drop my head back and it resonates as it hits the ground. She can't help but laugh softly.
She doesn't stop. Starts grinding her hips, which I guess she does to get guys hard, but for me, it only brings a louder sigh than I would have liked. She slides her hands inside my shirt, runs over my hips again and again as if she was trying to create a mental image of it before seeing them. I'm sure they're much thinner than she's used to, more like hers. She goes higher and higher, squeezes and kneads here and there. She stops when she feels the edge of my binder and brings them back down, near the waistband of my jeans.
—Madds...
She breaks away to look at me. Her cheeks are flushed, but all of her makeup remains intact; she could walk out of here right now and no one would know what happened, but to me she looks like a sin.
—You all right? –she whispers.
I decide not to answer her, I think it's my chance to kiss her again. Since the first time, my lips have been itching, anxiously waiting to meet again. She takes it so well, arching her back and pressing her hips harder. Oh, she's the sexiest girl in the world. I hopelessly moan into her mouth and she indulges in that, using me as she pleases.
She starts to unbutton my jeans without stopping to kiss me, slides her hand inside and touches me over my underwear. I move my hips up a bit, trying to get her to take it as an incentive to take off my pants, and she does.
She runs her hands up my thighs and slightly separates them. She caresses my skin towards my hips, hooks the elastic of my boxers from each side of my hips and slowly starts them down. The wait is killing me. The feel of her acrylic nails running down my legs as she drags my underwear makes me sigh. Her gaze is on me constantly. I lift my hips so she can lower them all the way down and she slides them off my legs, leaving them somewhere on the floor.
She climbs on top of me and returns to my neck, her hands pressed tightly to my hips. She has something with my neck, she has spent more time there than anywhere else. She leaves a wet trail behind my ear, along my chin, briefly past my throat before making her steps back. She sucks and sucks like a professional, she wants to leave a mark on me for tomorrow and I'm totally okay with that. I'd let her fuck me in front of everyone if she wanted it that way. I would do anything Maddy asked me to.
I can't help but moan when she bites my neck and I feel her immediate smile against my skin. She pulls away to kiss me on the mouth. My legs open more instinctively and she takes the opportunity to slide her hand from my hip to my lips. She runs a finger lightly over my slit as she continues to kiss me.
—You look so pretty right now -she says on my lips.
—Please...
I have completely lost it. I'm a mess and she hasn't even inserted the first finger. I can't think of anything but how right her hands feel on me.
—Beg for it –she asks with a cocky smile. I would never have expected this from her.
—Please, touch me. Please.
She slides a finger inside me looking at me expectantly for a reaction. When I moan she's satisfied no matter how soft it was and returns to my lips.
She kisses me like it's the last kiss she's going to give. I've never felt like this before, everything about her is surreal. I feel like I could explode at any moment, she moves inside me perfectly. I arch my back when she takes her finger away.
She bites my bottom lip as she pulls away from my mouth and wastes no time going down. She kisses my abdomen over my shirt, grabs the edges and pulls it up a bit so she can lick. She rips the skin over my pelvis with her teeth and digs her fingers harder than ever into my thighs. That too will leave a mark.
Bites my hip. She loves to bite. Spreads my thighs again, finally focusing on my crotch. I feel her hot breath and from one moment to another her tongue is on my clitoris. My breath quickens twice as fast. I try not to make it loud as she told me, so I clench my fists as hard as I can. She redirects her hand again and slides two fingers in at once. I feel satisfied and dissatisfied at the same time because I know that's all she can give. She turns her face away and looks me straight in the eye, at which I can't help but moan too loudly and she laughs softly. I don't know if she's aware of what she's doing to me.
She readjusts and starts moving her fingers back and forth. She brings the thumb of her free hand to my mouth, I spread it open and suck, she slides it across my lips and onto my clit. She begins to move it in a circular motion and my sense completely leaves my body, if there is still anything left.
I don't know how long she spends masturbating me, to me it feels like years, so close and so far at the same time. She picks up the pace and starts to thrust, making my eyes go to the back of my head. I moan uhs constantly, from time to time, her name. I don't realize that she has left my neck until I feel her saliva on my pelvic area. She withdraws her fingers from inside, her thumb still moving, and replaces them with her tongue. She blindly moves my legs with her free hand to place them on her shoulders and slaps me hard on the right thigh.
There's no way this is the first time she's done this. Which girl has Hetero Maddy been fucking with? I don't know why but that makes me hot.
I don't know what she does with her tongue but something hits inside me.
—Yes, yes! If you stop 'M gonna fucking kill you, baby -I don't know what I'm saying. I'm building too fast.
She puts her fingers in again and again falls on top of me.
—You'd have to kill me for me to stop. Taking it so well for me, such a good boy –she flies over my head, speaking in my ear–. You have no idea how much I wanted you. You think you can spend years looking at me like that without expecting consequences, huh? I bet you've fantasized so many times about fucking me on those tiny tables not knowing if any teacher could hear you rail the shit out of me. And at the end of the day, it's me who has the power, having you so wet for me. Just for me, right? –she gets what she wants when my legs inevitably go weak and the pre-orgasmic tremor spreads throughout my body– Finish for me, baby. I know you can do it. So ready, at my mercy –she encourages me and that's all I need.
I bring a hand to my mouth and yell loudly into it. The orgasm comes and, even though I don't cum, I firmly believe that I could position this as the best sexual experience of my life. She stops her fingers inside me and smiles at me.
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