#Homesick abd its not that i want to go home!!!! i mean i kinda do but. its just i am staggered by how much is missing of myself when im not

[pepprs]

it’s kinda sad actually like. how badly i want to matter and belong (again not 2 make a work reference fhshfjshfkdj but whatever). like yes p*ople w*nt t* m*tter *nd b*long and that’s something we Know but its such an ugly feeling to want that so much. and like don’t get me wrong i always want it but i crave connection so fucking badly here and it’s been a long time since ive felt that hunger this degree. i know i have to work for it and hiding in my room isn’t gonna get me there but it’s like a self destructive cycle.... having no connection makes me tired and sad so then im too tired and sad to work for a connection. we hate to see it

#im supposed to trust the process. i know i know i know. but this is hard. and its hard to trust the process when ur so far away from what u #know and what makes u feel safe. i have absolutely no energy and everyonr came back from london for some stupid reason so now i have to #be social all weekend when i just wanna hide. ive been hidjng all day and it feels good and bad at the same time #also i just reached out to one of the coordinators here and asked if i can set up regular meetings w her instead of doing counseling here #which peobbalt is a mistake but its like. i just need someone to talk to who Knows. who can see this from the balcony and not the dance #floor. who can help me up to see the view. and thats what i have back at home with all the ppl i have it with and... ah. i know its fun to g #go theu stuff together but i need... i Need extra help. like thats just a thing i need. i cant function without it. its making me sick #it has always made me sick i guess. and lkke not sick judt... not myself. god not 2 crystallize insights in the tags but i just am so #Homesick abd its not that i want to go home!!!! i mean i kinda do but. its just i am staggered by how much is missing of myself when im not #there. and also by how much of myself remains when im thousands of miles away from it. i know my posts here have veen a trainwreck im sorry #and ppl are reaching out to me and today is one of those days where i dont wanna talk to anyone and Also i know exactly whats happening at h #home right now and its killing me that im not there in the office for it but. i am in a way cuz my heart is and also i just wanna be #comfortable with the ppl im living with and i miss my sister and the sound machine and the smell of my bed and the sound of the piano and i #need to stop thinking of what i miss cuz its driving me crazy but. ah. how can so much empty exist in this tiny body i guess or whatever #purrs #brighton