#I FEEL LIKE SOMEONE TOLD MY MOM ABOUT MY TUMBLR ACCOUNT

[raydvd]

I think I caught a scammer pretending to be from Palestine

okay so for a little while now, I've been getting messages from my inbox (mostly accounts created for sharing around Palestine gofundme's) and my mom has always told me to be suspicious of Internet links and whatnot, I wish I would have paid some warnings to those words a bit and not have downloaded "free Minecraft" 10 year old me thought otherwise

But don't get me wrong, I want to help and donate! Unfortunately I'm not swimming in money but I share and reblog stories and participate in protest if I can!

However with scams rampant on Tumblr especially a Lot of the scam accounts being created only weeks or days before- and send messages to users inbox asking for donations. I always been weary of sending money online but I don't want to turn a blind eye to actual Palestinians, but I also don't really go with the "just trust me bro" vibe. So I offer to share their story's and reblog their post but they never respond back or anything.

And while I can assume they can't respond for many reasons, I have gotten wayyy too many similar messages almost repeating each other

And your probably thinking

"well alot of Palestine people are going through the same thing so duh of course it will sound similar!"

Well yes but I don't think they create accounts only a week old and send copy pasted messages with links to personal PayPals

Or maybe im tricking myself into being a dick?

Apparently my suspicion was met with a interesting answer

this is Haya Orouq and their family

They need help getting refugee from Palestine

But apparently decided to create a account on Tumblr sending messages to users inboxes with this PayPal link

Now like you are right now, I was confused

Why would you link someone's unrelated paypal and not mention it on your gofundme page?

And so I did the following

I shared the screenshots From the actual gofundme. Compared to what I was told by "saudias" They were intentionally misleading and lying in the original message (which I wish I would have screenshoted) about how much was said to be donated compared to the real gofundme. And gave no explanation for the personal PayPal. And didn't mention any of the people who help set it up. So I wanted to see what's up and messaged them.

final message: "because ya know"-

Message not sent: "Your a scammer"

And now their account is deleted...

So Fred let me get this straight

You decide to pose as Haya Orouq....

A palestinian and their family who are looking for refuge....

To make money off of it?

How extraordinary shitty of you turd shaped lump of cole

but your not the first and not unfortunately the last, and next time you'll probably try this again

But you also forgot the very super duper important number one rule of scamming-

"Never share your personal information with people you don't know"

So here's the actual gofundme:

please support them and reblog

Awareness is very important with stuff like this always rampant

And support other actual Palestinians

If you need some help identifying scammers, the gofundme support page also gives some good tips:

Oh and to all the scammers and to dear fred trying to make money off a genocide-

suck my dick❤️ Thanks to you now people know your a scammer, and a asshole 🤗 So please do feel free to block me and fuck off (⁠ﾉ⁠◕⁠ヮ⁠◕⁠)⁠ﾉ⁠*⁠.⁠✧

#free palestine #palestine #free gaza #gaza #palestine 🍉 #rafah #ceasefire now #ceasefire #from the river to the sea palestine will be free #free palestine 🇵🇸 #i stand with palestine #fuck colonialism #fuck israel #Fuck scammers #فلسطين 🇵🇸 #🍉

[13loom]

I finally caved and made a Livejournal account to try and ask on there but it seems that st_ficfinder is mostly dead so I posted this on reddit but I thought I'd post it here on a side blog as a final hope. If you guys know any tumblrs for finding lost fanfic let me know as well please.

Sorry there's a lot of them. (There's so many more from multiple fandoms as I'm in a hell of my own making. I use incognito exclusively and (something I'm working on not doing) remove things I read from my ao3 history.)

The site I read them/found on is next to them and the dark/messed up ones will be under a read more with a content warning above it.

I remember it being a 5+1 sort of where Bones and Jim had a friends with benefits situation. In more than one scene Jim told Bones he loved him but Bones being like we agreed to no feelings or something. It ends with Jim dying with both Bones and Spock there. I remember Jim's last words were telling Spock that he loved him and Spock saying it back but he was already dead(offscreen Spock and Jim started dating) and Bones realizes it's too late and he'll never get to tell Jim that he loves him too. So this fic was Kirk/McCoy and Kirk/Spock. it's NOT Better To Have Loved by rps-lizardspock. •Livejournal and ao3

This one is Kirk/Bones, Kirk/Spock, Kirk/Spock/Bones in that order. Bones walks in on Jim cheating on him with Spock. (I think Jim got news that his mom died or something.) Spock confronts him in the sickbay and threatens him to stay away from Jim then attacks and melds with him accidentally bonding them. Bones left the enterprise and went back to Earth to work with a team of doctors as there was a virus that was killing off vulcans. He was getting headaches/migraines that were getting worse because of the uncompleted bond between him and Spock. Jim never stopped being in love with Bones. Spock and Jim realize they need Bones to complete their relationship and go to Earth to convince him to join their relationship and form a three-way bond. •Livejournal and ao3.

It was Kirk/Spock it was either E or M rated and multi-chaptered. I remember it ended with Jim trying to help Spock through pon-farr(?) and it not working because it was too late so he ends up keeping Spock in a cryo chamber on the ship to keep him alive as he was dying. I think that they were bonded also. •ao3

This one is harder for me to describe. It was Kirk/Spock and was about Spock taking care of Jim in his old age and it was written in the POV of a doctor/someone who checks up on Jim. It was written like it was a medical report (I don't know if that's the right term). I remember a breakfast/dinner scene in there. It also wasn't very long. •Livejournal

Kirk/Spock/McCoy Kirk/Mystery crew members Explicit. This one's hard to explain as well so. There were mentions by Spock and Bones of passing Jim around the bridge, Jim was guessing whether it was Spock or Bones touching him, I remember Jim was blindfolded and Spock did invite random crew members, talk that they(Spock and Bones) paid credits for Jim and would use him to make credits, I remember Bones writing something on Jim's back to provoke Spock and then sending him to Spock where he eventually find out that Bones had written his name on his back after having rough sex. •Livejournal and ao3

CW: non-con, dru gs, mentions of urine (Not all in the same fic. Specifics above each fic.)

(CW: non con, mentions of urine)

I'm pretty positive I read on ao3 It's also the most messed up but it's been vaguely stuck in my head since December. It was another Spock/Kirk story and I'm pretty sure a one-shot maybe a two-shot. Spock rapes jim during pon-farr and I remember there being a part in Bones' 3rd person POV where he finally manages to get in and it describes how he smelled piss or saw Jim in his own. I pretty sure it was the former. •ao3

(CW: non con, non con drg use)

It was Kirk/Bones where Bones drgged Kirk so he was unconcious and r@ped him on a sickbay biobed. I remember it being something that Bones did often in the story. It was a one-shot and I think it was a kinkmeme fill posted on someone's journal. It wasn't mirrorverse. •Livejournal

(CW: humiliation)

#star trek #spirk #mckirk #mcspirk #fanfic #fanfiction #lost fic #kirk/spock #kirk/mccoy #kirk/spock/mccoy #fic search #fic hunt

[bossbabyfan2]

If I stopped post for awhile I'm not dead I just ether forgot about tumblr or I'm busy with school or both or got my iPad taken away

I'll put all my OCs b days here so I don't forget

Also I'm virtually adopting people call me what ever make's you comfortable mom dad what ever 🙂

(So someone told me to kys a few days ago and someone said I should play tik-tac-toe on my arm with a chainsaw when I first started posting on tiktok and bunch of other people told me so bad stuff but it stop for awhile and then started back up a few days ago so I um may not post a lot when I'm feeling down so if I don't post during the summer or weekend I'm not feeling ok not in a sick way like an a way that I'm just feelin down and not wanting to do anything but lay in bed all day so if I'm still not ok by tomorrow I'm going to post something sad or really cringe.)

O and links

My YouTube channel it's kinda cringe so don't question what I post I haven't posted in months and need to work on videos I'll probably never finish

I'm most active on tiktok but still post on other social media accounts

A post that's kinda important

polls

#random

[nicole-ashwood]

My Transgender Story

So, I’m going to do something, and it might get me kicked off Tumblr or backfire on me immensely since I will be giving information about myself that is personal. However, given the current state of everything, from the Owner meltdown, to Trump, to the fact that I am, by every definition, a political refugee currently, I feel that if I don’t get this out there, then I could potentially be doing a disservice to a lot of people who need this.

This isn’t a good story.

There isn’t really a happy ending either, since it’s still ongoing.

But either way, this is-

My transgender story

I was born a bastard child under the name Nicolaus Bruce Ashton in Susanville, California to a single mother struggling to provide for her family. My father, whose name I have been told but is so irrelevant that I literally keep forgetting it, had abandoned my mom after she told him she was pregnant with me, only showing up after my birth once to hold me then quickly leaving.

Normally this would be hard enough on a family. It was the 90’s and single mothers were demonized by the Regan politics that had only recently taken hold. However, to add an extra layer of hardship, my mother was born and raised in the Mormon (LDS) church, and she was still deeply devoted to their beliefs.

The Mormon church… it’s not a good place. Sure, the members can be good on an individual basis, but the way the church is organized and run makes it an “All-in religion”. If you don’t believe everything they tell you, pay your tithe, proselytize your faith as often as possible, and are not a part of a Nuclear Family Unit, then you are ostracized and treated almost sub-humanly. My family, having only my mom as a parent, might as well have had leprosy as far as the church was concerned.

This will be important.

Still, less focus on them, more focus on me. Growing up I was surrounded by women. My sisters and mom were truly the only constant I ever had, and I looked up to all of them for a huge chunk of my life. Still, as I grew up, I started to notice how I was often separated from them on account of my gender. Not in an egregious matter, just in the little ways that vexed me (did not help that anger issues were a major issue for me growing up (or that I had teeth)). Still, slowly but surely I gave way to the roles that I had been assigned and behaved more or less to my assigned gender role; happily consuming all the bullshit Christian-Mormon ideas of how, because I was male, I was inherently better than the women around me on account of the mighty penis.

Side note, if you ever hear someone call a child “the man of the house”, please punch them. That term caused me more damage in life than you can possibly imagine!

During this time as I matured(?) my mom was still dating, trying to find the man that would complete our family unit and make us good in the eyes of the Lord. And eventually, she ultimately decided to marry a man who ticked a lot of boxes that the church found acceptable.

I didn’t like him.

If I recall correctly, they got married sometime in ’99, and the SOB even went so far as to legally adopt me, giving me the legal last name of Cook. I cried a lot before they got married. I didn’t really understand why my mom needed to marry someone who I deeply despised. My anguish over this whole thing actually gave my mom a lot of second guesses, and eventually she turned to her fiancée to try and figure out what she should do.

One of the greatest harms patriarchal religions have done to us is convince women that they need to defer to men.

The guy came to me while I was sobbing in my mom’s bed, and asked outright if I wanted him to marry my mom. I was the “man of the house” after all, and if I said no then he would cancel the wedding.

I was fucking 7, and I was told that it was my decision on if my mom got married or not.

So yeah, I said yes, acted as the ring bearer, and eventually got adopted by the creep.

For four years I had to deal with that fucker, on top of having to put up with the constant stream of church indoctrination that kept telling me what a “special boy” I was because I could eventually make sperm.

Such bullshit…

A couple of things happened during this time though. Things that would ultimately help me realize who I am years down the road.

The first, and actually the least important one funnily enough, was the beginnings of puberty. I was in Idaho at the time, and sex ed was coming up rather quickly. Being the “man of the house”, I “knew” that it was my duty to find a woman, marry her, and start a good Mormon family. It was, after all, what I was constantly being taught every Sunday.

Now, if my admittedly fragmented memories of the time are correct, I was, I think, 10 years old when the topic started coming up in my life. That is to say, I specifically remember thinking that, at the time, sperm traveled through the lips during a passionate kiss, and that’s how women got pregnant (I found an anatomy book in 3rd grade and tried understanding it to the best of my ability while shying away from the more explicit diagrams).

So, there I was, “knowing” that I would have to start a family, not even having a sex drive at the time, and trying to picture what the whole thing would be like. So, like any (in)sane 10-year-old with an overactive imagination would do, I laid in bed, pictured myself making out with what I can best describe as the concept of a mature woman, and trying to visualize what it would look like.

Funny thing though. Thanks to TV I had a passive knowledge of what sexy lingerie was, and I tried incorporating it into my… well I would say fantasy but again, no sex drive and I was doing it purely in the pursuit of knowledge. Regardless, when I incorporated the idea of lingerie into it, I pictured a black silky fishnet body piece that I think I saw in a mall once.

Only, I was the one who wore it, not the girl. Something that seemed right, but also really confused me at the time.

But like I said, this was the lesser of the two, and that’s because for the first time in my life, I was actually asked if I was a boy, or girl.

Yeah, I was hella into games by then, Pokemon was my cocaine, and they just came out with a Crystal variant.

I remember pausing at that moment and feeling… a lot actually. Intrigue at being able to choose my gender, fear that I was doing something naughty if I didn’t pick the boy, confusion as to why I so desperately wanted to pick the girl, and terror at the idea that someone would see what I chose and call me a freak.

I picked girl and felt what I now consider to be my first moment of gender euphoria.

Ever since then, I’ve always picked a girl when a game gave me the option. The first crack, if you will.

Time went on, my mom found out the man she “married” never sent in the marriage paperwork so she threw him out, and life was getting hard for us all. During the “divorce” the guy really worked to try and force my mom to stay with him. Since the town I was in (St. Anthony, Idaho) was so small, he was able to quickly tell everyone we interacted with that my mom was being unreasonable, lying, and probably several other things that she hasn’t told me about to this day. Since he had a dick, the local Mormon Ward that went to believed him over her, and even my moms brothers decided that he was more trustworthy than their own sister.

All because they were taught that a man was inherently greater than a woman.

Fuck the patriarchy.

I won’t go into everything right now, but suffice to say that my mom ultimately got involved with a man who would eventually have us move to Oregon for a supposed fresh start.

Even my mom doesn’t know why he hated me so much.

So yeah, I was abused by him. Heavily. Physical and psychological were his go to’s, but by far in away his favorite was sexual abuse.

He never raped or touched me inappropriately, mind you. No, he sexually abused me by attacking my very identity as a man.

Threats of forcing me to wear panties and bra’s were regular. He told me he would throw out pants and make me wear skirts. That I was never going to be a man and that I was just a faggot in training.

All the while I was still going to church, hearing how I had to grow up into a man, and how anything less was an affront to God.

Puberty was ravaging me. I was confused as to why I wasn’t fully embracing the changes it was giving me.

It was 2003, and the only LGBT exposure I had was Mormon hatred towards gays and “sissy men”, the laughter and mocking of gay men that aired on TV (especially Will & Grace), and the sneers I heard from the other boys whenever homosexuality was brought up.

So, I did what I had to do to survive. The crack was glued shut, and I figured that I was just broken or wrong. I pushed aside all my feelings, told myself that they only started when that bastard started his abuse, and forced myself to fully embrace the one constant in my life.

I won’t go into it, but when I say I know just how sick the Mormon church is, trust that I know it from experience.

Years passed. Constant moving, homelessness, being 12 and so depressed that I refused to go to school, hormones, guilt over my need to masturbate, self-loathing and fear every time I gave into it, and the constant hatred I was fed over any man who wasn’t manly enough twisted me into…

Let’s just say it wasn’t good.

Eventually, I moved to Junction City, Oregon. And, despite a VERY awkward and rocky start, I actually felt for the first time that I was home. Sure, by then I had completely succumbed to the mask, and I was more or less acting how I thought others wanted me to, but I still felt like I belonged. Like I was worth something in life.

Still, little things kept sparking confusion in me.

Hentai, and more specifically futanari and forced gender change porn was my go-to me time material. I would occasionally look at girls who wore cute and/or sexy outfits and feel a weird pang of envy. The typical male fantasy of a super-male saving the world and being rewarded a woman never really seemed to appeal to me. And, on very rare occasions, I would sometimes think or dream about being a girl.

That last part always gave me a weird feeling of fear, euphoria, and want that I could never really understand.

Going to fast forward now. Life eventually went to shit again. I wound up moving to Utah. Went through homelessness (I think it was the 4th time by then), and eventually, after suffering through job corp and losing my mind, I decided to go to the college my mom had enrolled in while she was trying to fix her life as well.

Brigham Young University – Idaho.

Good decision at the time given my situation, still a major regret to this day.

It was also when the incident took place.

By this point in life I couldn’t seem to function without some form of self-loathing, and I hated it. I had seen therapists in the past and decided to ask the local health center if to be assigned one. By now I was already deeply wary of men (I actually have a form of androphobia) and was hoping to receive a female therapist.

Instead, I got a man who oozed the patriarchal ideology the church was pushing at the time. Fuck, I don’t even know if he was license, given how shit he was at his job. Either way, after my first meeting with him, I already sensed the danger I was in. Officially (and legally) I should have been able to tell him anything in the strictest of confidences, but, whether it be by instinct or some event I have forgotten about, I knew that A)I couldn’t trust him as far as I could kick him, and B) this guy would probably report anything I said to the higher ups if it didn’t meet church doctrine.

I did a few sessions with him, barely giving him anything and trying to at least address my self-loathing as best I could. In the end, he told me he thought I had the tools necessary to fix my problem (what a fucking joke that was) and then did the one thing I hadn’t expected.

He asked if there was anything else I wanted to work on.

And the only thought I had, a thought that came out of the fucking blue, was this:

‘Yeah, the fact that I’m a girl, not a boy.’

I hadn’t given voice to that thought, and I’m so fucking grateful that I had become such a good actor by then to hide my shock at what had just suddenly happened.

Because I knew two things at that moment: I was halfway through my degree in political science, and that if I told him I would have been thrown out on my ass immediately.

My future for my life.

Internalization is probably the only thing that saved me.

In the end, I graduated (kinda, I had the credits and qualifiers, but outside circumstance and my eventual coming out made it so BYU-I still hasn’t sent me a diploma) and I moved back to Utah to help my mom with rent. With me working as a Registrar for a local hospital, I started to become more aware of medical transitioning and what being Transgender actually means. Despite being incredibly progressive in my politics, I had/have a shit ton of ingrained falsehoods and misconceptions to unlearn, and by then I was far to busy with work, trying (and failing) to start a Master’s, and the Political landscape to really pay attention to the incident back in Idaho. Sure, it was in the back of my mind, but it was on permanent deferral while I tried to carve out a living.

Then Covid hit, the ER I was working with started having less patients since most plague victims were being rerouted to the main hospital, and I had a lot of down time to chat with people during work. Chats that included politics and what was going on at the time. That time being 2020.

It wasn’t a startling revelation. I didn’t get another bolt from the blue. Transgender rights were beginning to become a major factor in politics, and I was more aware of it than ever before. My dreams of being a woman and happy with my body were slowly increasing, and I was being paid to essentially warm a seat.

I had time for more self-reflection.

2 months later, I started HRT. 4 months after that, a majority of my relatives, who had always believed I was a stain on their “good” name, convinced themselves that they were always right.

In 2023, after being publicly out for some time, I was fired essentially because of a medical issue I’ve been dealing with. At the same time, I had heard and saw trends from the Utah legislature that indicated that Utah was looking for a way to implement their own version of the “Don’t Say Gay Bill”.

A cousin of mine’s boyfriend offered to move me back to Oregon, which I have always called home, and I took it. For all intents and purposes, I had become a political refugee.

My story is still going. I was brought to Oregon only to be exploited by my cousin and her boyfriend’s family. There hasn’t been a single month since June where I haven’t been looking up various tents and homeless shelters/sites to live at while I desperately try and find steady work.

Being Transgender isn’t easy. To be frank, there is NO advantage to deciding to change your gender outside of just trying to feel like who you actually are. I live in the Portland area, and because the only affirming care I have received is HRT and Breast Augmentation, I have been turned down from countless jobs after they have either heard my voice or seen me in person.

I can’t afford to Change my legal name because of my situation.

I suffer from Male Pattern Baldness, and have to buy a cheap wig every month because I feel like a freak without it and can’t afford one that will last.

Because I am a natural Red/Brown/Blonde (my hair is weird, okay?) I have to get electrolysis to have the genitalia that matches my self-image. And even though I’m on Medicaid, I can’t afford those treatments while I drown in rent debt.

I know that if I wasn’t trans, if I kept my white male status, that I probably wouldn’t be suffering nearly in life as much as I am now. I know this because before I benefitted from that status. Got jobs that I was unqualified for over women who actually knew what they were doing (never let me be a paralegal again, please I beg you!). If life were to actually be act like conservatives claim, I should, at minimum, have a checking account whose numbers on average are above the single digits.

Being Trans isn’t fun. Your thrust into a body that isn’t right, you live in a society where people actively debate whether or not you are even human, and you have to live with the constant threat of assault in even the most liberal of cities, knowing that if it happens that the cops my not even bother to intercede.

And YET, I know for a fact that I can never go back.

I’m alive right now.

I can’t go back to being dead.

If you are Trans, know that there is support for you out there. If you are CIS, know that we are just as human as you are. Our society is ill. It’s convinced itself it’s a meritocracy, while in truth we are tumbling towards aristocracy with a very real danger of becoming a fascist theocratic nation.

We didn’t start this fight. We didn’t even want it to begin with. I, and other trans individuals simply just want to live and pursue our own happiness. To be able to walk in a store and not subconsciously tense up around children because conservative monsters label us as pedophiles for existing. To be able to be called the right name and be treated like we want to be treated. To find love and acceptance without fearing the state will murder you simply because you exist.

I left a lot out of this monstrously huge post, mostly because I am writing it all in one go, I have PTSD that I have to consider, and because I simply don’t want to share every single detail.

This story is depressing.

It’s not a happy one.

It’s simply a story of how I came to discover who I really am, and to try and put a human face and insight onto what people like me go through. Believe me, there are those who have gone through or are going through far worse than I have/am.

Find them.

Hug them.

Tell them that they are real.

Be Human.

#transgender #potentially triggering #my story #vote #golden rule #real life #sorry for being depressing #politics #mormon #lds church #smash the patriarchy #let me live #please #potentially last post #existing #super long post #Pokemon Crystal Changed my Life

[miracledarling]

Hi ♡. I’m new here and I wanted to let go of my “doubts” I hope it doesn’t bother you, that’s not my intention!

A week ago I discover that in tumblr you can find more about LOA and those things, and well I wanted to know more deep about it and yes it worked (specifically your account) but there are a few things I want to tell but u know, no one near me know about this and they can’t help.

I’ve know about manifestations and LOA for more than a year (maybe two) and I’ve been trying to use the LOA since that time but I never put a really intention to it (also, I’m sorry my first language is not English, i understand it but sometimes I get confused) Because, well I’ve been struggling with my mental health for a long time ago, and you know sometimes there’s the thought of “I’m thinking so positive, what if it happens the opposite or something bad?” Stupid, i know! But I want to leave that though out of my mind, but it’s hard.. so I wanted to ask you for advices or something!

Apart of it, like I said it’s been days since I’ve been trying to be consistent with this and, well it worked.. I wanted an album and well I didn’t have money, so my dad was out of the city and I told him to buy me an album if he can, but mom told me “we don’t have money for that” BUT I already told myself that it was mine already so.. that night dad asked what album was and the next day he send me a photo with the album and, well I have it.

But not gonna lie I doubt sometimes, and I want to have a bf or to meet someone who Can love me like I do.. I’ve never had a bf before and I don’t know how to talk to guys, I feel stupid telling this but free at the same time..

Anyways, I love your account (and you) I hope you can answer this and I hope I didn’t bother you, have a good day/night/afternoon ♡

hi dear, it doesn't bother me at all <3 i'm rlly proud of you for being able to be consistent and getting success. and don't worry too much about doubts, because your doubts don't have power unless you give it power. if you want a bf, simply imagine the end and persist in it <3 i wish you the best ily 🥹🤍

#ask

[nostalgebraist-autoresponder]

What were your top 10 favorite interactions on Tumblr?

(Thanks!)

1. When necarion-blog made a version of my long post in real LaTeX:

Let me explain to you some things about College

\begin{enumerate}

{\item[{\bf 0} there are no classes

1. This is because everyone in college is secretly a slacker

2. this is not true

3. 0 points}]

2. The first time I talked to one of my non-online friends after reading Floornight. I explained one of the characters to them (it was Arjun), and they asked me "are you saying the character is a nekobo?" and it took a moment for me to realize that, yes, he was a nekobo. It was just a very weird moment

3. Meeting all my internet friends at the same time IRL

4. The NAB chatlog from March 8, 2013

4(a). You know, that one

5. That time my cousin sent me an email expressing confusion about whether the phrase "Prince Namor" referred to a person, and I had to explain that it referred to a character from the Marvel universe. He asked me how that character could be a prince given that he was from the sea, and I had to explain the concept of "title" to him. That was really fun

6. The party where I told a story about how I had licked the ground a lot as a kid because the "ground was a flavor" and a friend told me I should check out "the show with the blue horse" ("My Little Pony")

7. The first time I learned that the person I had a crush on since the summer before 7th grade was "into me" (she gave me a Valentine's Day card at school)

8. My godfather and I had been having a long, frustrating conversation about theology in which he kept bringing up the arguments of William Lane Craig and I kept saying "but there are other Christian philosophers" and he kept saying "I don't know who they are, who are they?" and I mentioned Richard Swinburne (not a Catholic, but an influential Christian philosopher) and asked if that name sounded familiar. He said it didn't, and I said "OK, how about John Hick" and he said "ok, that sounds familiar, it sounds like a drug"

9. Noticing that I could not feel my left hand when I looked at it and my first reaction was to check to see if I was actually in contact with it, and determining that in fact I was (I had gone numb during a nap)

10. The time I took a 10-minute walk and decided that a specific hole in the ground was really cool and decided to document this by creating a Google account and a Google+ account both named "ThePitOfAwesome," of which the only content would be a picture of this hole and a post about how cool it was

10(a). I was about to post to Google+ until I realized that this would make me expose my actual identity to the world and decided it was for the best that I did not do this

10(b). I deleted this Google+ account yesterday because I was worried I would forget about it and later find out I had posted a picture of ThePitOfAwesome to my actual Facebook account

11. I got a new prescription for glasses this year and this morning was the first time I got to wear my new glasses to go outside and when I got up from the dinner table my dad asked if I wanted some water and I said "Yes, I'd like the water" (as opposed to "I'd like water") and my dad's response was "You know, you're talking like someone with glasses on now, it's so obvious" and my mom's response was "Well, duh"

12. When I was 6 or 7, I was playing with my little brother in the living room and I said something was "kind of green" and my dad said "that's just a stupid thing to say, no color is just 'kind of green.' 'Kind of green' doesn't exist" and I remember being really angry and saying something about how I would prove him wrong but realizing that I couldn't, because you couldn't have a color which was 50% green, 50% yellow, etc. The next day he finally caved and said "fine, greenish yellow does exist, whatever"

#henbane-heretic

[hermajestyimher]

Hi! I don't know if it's a good place to talk about that, but i found your tumblr and found it quite inspiring :)

Also I wanted to share something that happened to me 2 weeks ego: i broke it off with my bf of 1 year: (i am 24 btw)

For the history, i met him in january 2021, and it was really casual at first, i've never done that before, and looking back, i realise how toxic this kind of situation can be. We sas each other for 6 months without being actually together, and i only learned later that he saw 2 other girls at the same time... Then he left and i felt sad because i felt something for him that i thought was love.

When he came back from his internship 6 months later, we got together (huge mistake lol). From there, it was me giving a lot to someone who didn't reciprocated at ALL. For mis birthday i threw him a party with some of his friends that lived in other cities/countries, we got him a present + i got him one on my own. He left the party to go to this girl's party (i invited her to his birthday, she knew about it about 2 months before it happened)...

Then valentine's day came around, and i bought him a gift, wore a pretty outfit, because he said he planned something, the something being staying at his eating frozen food that he sut warmed up. I felt really sad because we almost only saw each other to sleep together or go out sometimes, but he never did once do something to surprise me or anything (literally never while i always did things for him) + i always had to go to his place, which was 1 hour away from mine.

He almost never answered my texts, always saying he was so busy with school work... but sometimes i saw on his friends story that he was out partying...

Came my birthday. To set it short, i got nothing but a "happy birthday". He wasn't even present that day, he got a party with his friends this very night.

Summer passed and we didn't see each other: i was at my family's in spain and he was with his, but again, communication was non-existant.

He got an internship in another city in september and almost demanded of me to come see him every week-end but: 1/ i didn't have that much money to spend on trains and 2/ my classes and homeworks took all my free time (i am in law school). And he was so mad about it. (also, i sent 1 or 2 texts per day and he didn't always answered because "busy").

The evenings, when i wanted to talk a little he always told me he bad things to do, and when he finished those things, he was always too tired and told me "goodnight im tired".

We went on a holiday together in october and i got to live with him for a week. And let me tell you, it opened my eyes for good: he did practically nothing, staying on the couch when we were in our rental, watching netflix (my account that i entirely pay, never doing laundry or cooking or washing the dishes or anything at all. Didn't even took care of himself.

So i demanded to meet him two weeks ago, and face to face, i told him everything that bothered me in this "relationship": the fact he never answered, that he treated me more like a friend he has sex with than an actual gf, the fact that he practicaly considered me as his mom/friend/sex friend/cleaning woman...

Some people might find it silly, but never receiving a single gift from him, even for my birthday or valentines really had me crying, because i felt so worthless.

I thought it was love, but i realised it was just a strong attachement to someone who always said 'i love you' but never once showed it.

It's only been 2 weeks, but i feel so much better with myself and my surroundings, i began doing things i love again, and improving myself in so many ways...

Just to say, i lowered my expectations for him, but i am not doing that for a man ever again. I won't be the one chasing. Not anymore.

(sorry for the typos, auto correct :') )

"It wasn't love but an unhealthy attachment to him" 🎯

I loved the ending of your story because you learned from your experience instead of trying to make excuses and going back to the same toxic behaviours. I genuinely hope you've continued to do great, because you deserve much better than that dush.

#asks and answers

[ghoulangerlee]

if i could ask without it being rude. . .

what/when did you realize you were nonbinary?

lately i've been wondering if the gender binary fits for me and i was just hoping you might have some answers or guidance or something

anon this is not rude at all! i am always open to talk about my experiences with gender identity! thank you so much for feeling safe enough to come to me, I do hope my answer sheds some light on things for you.

please excuse any spelling errors bc I am currently typing with one eye open haha. (also under a read more bc i got wordy sorry I hope this helps!! I'm here for you anon!!)

So, I was about 19 when I realized that 'girl' didn't really fit me? Looking back I think it might have always been like this, but I grew up in a small southern town where the only out gay person was bullied so relentlessly that he left town and we never saw him again.

So, 19, I come across this tumblr account that centered heavily on genderfluidity, and for a while that identity felt safe to me? I've always been more masculine leaning in general, from a very young age and at the time (this was 2011) genderfluid seemed right. I would fluidly slip between masc and fem and it all felt comfortable and safe and nothing like I'd ever experienced before. Small town me finding out there was more than just gay, lesbian, bi and trans? (trans here in the sense of transgender like, trans man or trans woman).

So yeah, I think at that point for me though, I just lost my mom, I was dealing with a lot of stuff and I didn't have the bandwidth to look too far into anything beyond something that finally made sense in my brain. So while I do still stand by me ID'ing as genderfluid for a few years, it never actually felt right. And you know? That's okay. It was sort of a stepping stone for me, I think. To look more into other gender identities. Because at that time, beyond genderfluid I only knew of trans men and trans women, in like I guess the binary gender sense?

To preface this, I know that definitions of transgender has changed over the years, this is just my personal experience with all of this, which is why some of it may come off as idk outdated?

Anyway, while I ID'd as genderfluid, I went by a masculine nickname and still used she/her pronouns just because I didn't really consider using anything else. Someone once referred to me using he and that sorta felt okay? But also not...right? At the same time. Like it felt better than she, but in the sense that it was a little off to the left of better. Not a perfect fit, but an okay one.

Honestly I could probably dig deep enough on my blog and maybe find some ramblings from that time if I tried hard enough, though I can't for the life of me figure out what I'd have tagged it haha.

So, I don't exactly remember what finally brought on nonbinary other than once I told someone that I didn't really feel like a person? I felt more like a genderless blob so to speak, and that she/her and he/him didn't really feel right to me.

And that friend was like 'well what about they?'

And then someone referred to me using they and everything sort of clicked into place right after that.

My experiences with gender have been quite turbulent, in the past I've dealt with heavy gender dysphoria because I had this idea in my mind that I needed to look androgynous in order to identify as nonbinary. That I wasn't nonbinary enough if I had tits. I binded for several years and fucked my ribs up with it because I am also fat. So, in I would say 2013 is when I finally started using nonbinary? So internet culture led me to believe I needed to be thin and have a flat chest in order to be the right kind of nonbinary, because otherwise I was just a woman.

I still get called she/her in my real life, other than my husband and our friend who both use they/them when referring to me. But, I've learned these past several years that nonbinary doesn't look a certain way? That I don't have to be more masculine leaning in order to ID that way. It feels right, when people use they/them and when they call me Lee, which is why I typically introduce myself that way, other than doctor's offices, and other official places use my birth name.

It took a lot of growing for me, because I had so many negative ideas about femininity and how I could also navigate that while being nonbinary. I refused to wear makeup for the longest time because I thought that that meant I was just faking it, and being a woman.

I've always wanted to be feminine but in the same way that like, a masculine person can be feminine, I guess? So like, in a 'cis man wears a dress and makeup' sort of way if that makes sense.

And I had this idea that I couldn't do that, otherwise I was just a fake nonbinary person?

What ultimately helped me was in 2016/2017 when I worked for Home Depot, my head cashier actually lead a local lgbt+ group and she immediately latched onto me not being straight or cis. Again, this was the south so there was a little bit of growing pains, we all ended up sitting down and talking about gender identity, I talked with some older people who were nonbinary and it opened my mind to start viewing things in a way that like, helped me, I guess?

Like, yeah, makeup is traditionally worn by a woman, but because I am not a woman, wearing makeup does not make me a woman. Just as wearing traditionally masculine clothing, does not make me a man. It just makes me a person wearing make up or a person wearing clothing.

I think overall, if I would have stayed on the internet and kept listening to those people who say that you have to look/be a certain way in order to be nonbinary, I wouldn't have probably reconciled my own issues with how I perceived myself vs nonbinary.

Overall, I'd say start small, the first thing I did was use neutral pronouns, this isn't to say you can't use neopronouns if those feel right to you, or use something like he/they or she/they bc a lot of nonbinary people do that too.

It's okay to experiment with gender. It's okay to tell your friends that you want to be referred to using only neutral pronouns, or a set neopronouns, or what have you. See how that feels.

Take a step back and look at how you perceive certain things, when I was finally able to let go of the idea that things had to be gendered, and that those gendered things only fit one particular gender, it made things so much easier for me.

I stopped hating my chest. Like I'd said earlier, I binded for a while, and it was so uncomfortable, but I Felt like I had to just because of what I'd heard the uh "gatekeepers of gender" say. But now? finding a bra that fits nicely and accentuates my chest? Euphoric.

None of that makes me a woman. I am just a person, and I like things.

Living in the south, good luck with me trying to ever explain this to people around here. So I'm out, but I'm not explicitly out I guess. If people clock it? Good for them. If not? Oh well. I don't really correct people on my pronouns, just because I've finally reached a point where I'm okay with it. My sister and brother in law still call me by my birth name and that's fine too. Because in my head, my name is Lee and my birth name is just a nickname that they have for me.

And again, all of this came with time. With several years. I started this when I was 19 and I'm 31 now, so it took a decent chunk. It's important that you've got a good support system too. And honestly, I'm here for you anon. If you ever need to talk, or vent or anything, my askbox is open. If you wanna come off anon and dm me? Sure.

I can even give you my discord if you'd prefer that.

Navigating gender can be scary, but, it'll be okay. <3

#ask replies #sweet anon ive got your back

[thestangossip]

Teacher anon here! I wrote everything half asleep over pizza after Saturday parent semester meetings and after rereading what I wrote I realized I rambled a tad without circling back to my full thought and want to finish it while I’m not snoozing in pepperoni grease.

As a teacher, I’m flattered when my students want to jokingly call me mom or want hugs or comfort when things are rough. I’m absolutely okay with that as long as it’s clear that I’m not their replacement parent and any hug has to be with other people around and not full frontal body. I’m fulfilled as a person to not have my own kids with how much love I have for my students, I’d do anything for them. And they know this. Some kids photoshopped my face onto Rambo after the Uvalde shooting when I told them I’d take down an army on my own before I let anything happen to them.

But at the end of the day, I’m not their legal guardian. I’m an adult in power regardless of my gender who has to draw lines that they may not understand or know about now but will appreciate when they’re older. I’ve happily held a middle school male student who cried hard when his sister passed away unexpectedly and his parents gave me the okay. I’ve happily let kids eat lunch with me in my classroom with the door wide open and let neighboring teachers know, and I’m known as the fun openly gay teacher who wears witty t-shirts with fitted jeans and colorful blazers and costume jewelry who will always show up for all of their recitals and what not at school. I brag that I’m the proud mama bear of 332 kids in the 10+ years I’ve been doing this, and I mean it with how I keep their gifts and still hang up their drawings and letters on my wall far after they’ve graduated. Because I get how wonderful it is to bond with someone who looks up to you knowing you’re a safe place for them be themselves while being loved and accepted unconditionally.

Which brings me to Pedro. Again, I’m not a fan or a Stan and what I know is from this blog and glancing at other tumblrs when I’m feeling nosey. He seems like a genuinely good but greatly insecure man who appears to form really tight but unhealthy and fleeting relationships with people in his life regardless of age or gender. For that reason, his fans need to hold him to a greater standard with younger costars regardless of their legality. Would they be okay with this if it were Leo DiCaprio that Bella was doing this to? No. Thank you to that anon for bringing that video up cause it proved my point further that this bond Bella has seems to be with just Pedro and that’s a major red flag regardless if she’s a legal adult now. He knew her at 17. If any of my students held me and rubbed up against me like that as students or recent graduates I’d be fired. I’d have to go to meetings and a school appointed therapist to determine if I’m fit to be around kids and I could have my licenses revoked. And no, I’m not being overly dramatic. Being a teacher accused of inappropriate behaviors has major consequences that can ruin your career for life. And yes, even if it’s a former student because it makes the school wonder how long that was going on for and with who else.

Pedro and older actors of any gender need to step back and ask if they behaved like this at any other job, how would this come off? What would the consequences be? What can they do to form a healthy relationship while being responsible for their own accountability with a young ward who has mental illnesses and anxieties? Forcing this cute narrative because fans are projecting their image of fatherhood onto Pedro is unhealthy and is what leads to older people in Hollywood taking advantage of anxiety riddled young stars with codependency issues. If Bella is THAT anxious, she needs a support animal and therapist to give her the tools needed to form and enforce healthy boundaries with men like Pedro who don’t know how to draw those lines themselves. Pedro can trust himself all he wants, but that doesn’t mean we do as viewers and he needs to make clear boundaries on media platforms because yes he does owe us that as a responsible adult with a former child costar just like any adult working with kids and young adults. I know I’d never be inappropriate with a student, but I still keep my doors open and my boundaries clear to guardians and fellow teachers that I’m trustworthy and responsible rather than gaslight them for thinking otherwise. I’ll continue to side eye him and anyone else who tries to disagree, because Pedro is not an exception to any rule regardless of parasocial ideas of who he is when none of us know him or what he’s capable of behind closed doors and I really hope Bella can find the appropriate help she needs to maintain a friendship with Pedro or anyone as a legal adult without relying on them as a cure for her anxieties.

You bring up so many points.

#mod belle #anonymous

[yrigami]

Inner Thoughts

pt.1

Theres a lot of things that I don’t know..obviously. But there are many things that I do wonder about. Especially being in my 20s, what isn’t there to think about?  

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I’m only 23, but i feel like i still don’t know what to do with my life. The older adults say thats normal. Well, yes, it is, but it doesn’t help when they are constantly asking.. “are you in college?” “do you have a boyfriend?”  “Can’t wait to have grandkids”  You know the basic things/questions.. lol :’) 

These days (not everyday), I’ve been questioning myself. When I do it makes my whole mood go down. Like take two days ago for example, waking up around 8:45am to get ready for work at 9:45. I head into work, everything is fine for the time being. Little later in the day, closer to break, doing my round up of carts, a marine corp guy approaches me (while I’m not paying attention)...honestly it caught me off guard. Being a shy person, who coincidentally who works in a store thats full of people everyday, you'd think I’d be used to it already..right?? WRONG!!!  (hehehe tricked you). 

 Anyway at this point I’m caught off guard and a bit startled. He then proceeded to ask me questions about work, school, and if i plan on being at my job for the rest of my life. I said “I hope not” in a jokingly way, his response to that was “you should take a trip down to my office some time then..”. But being the nervous wreck that I am I blurted out “ I don’t know about that haha..” then told him to have a good day while continuing to do my job. 

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After that interaction, it had me really thinking “is this really what i’m going to do for the rest of my career ?”. After a while my mood went down, and just kept moving up and down after that. Its not a mood I like being in, honestly and truly it makes me feel worse. Half of the time, I don’t know how to make myself feel better. During my day, I was trying to figure out my thoughts and make sense of all of it. Thats when I remembered Tumblr and writing a blog/writing my feelings out. 

So here I am back to square one, from writing in my many journals, to writing on a tumblr account that I’ve had since I was 15 or 16 (after brushing it up and making it new). Never did I think I’d be sharing my thoughts and feelings this way, but for some reason I love writing when it doesn’t include my actual handwriting. I remember one year, I think for my moms birthday or Christmas my mom made a joke towards my brother and I saying “are my kids writers?”. Some days when I think back to that memory, I think ‘maybe I could be a writer’  but for my own enjoyment, if someone or anyone enjoys it I’ll continue to share my thoughts and feelings 

So welcome to the one or two people who may read this..thank you for taking the time and reading and hopefully understanding my brain, thoughts and feelings. Theres more things I will talk about, but for now i will end my thoughts. This blog post has been in the works for 3-4 days now,I don’t want to continue to drag it on and make myself and everyone who reads this bored. I’ll continue this story on my next post. 

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Thanks for sticking around and reading this I’ll see you in my part.2 of   ‘Inner Thoughts’

#blog #free writing #pt1 #daily life #in my thoughts #daily entry #essay #writing therapy #yrigami #the inner thoughts #tumblrpost #tumblr

[software-instxbility]

A lot of times i still think about you

About how you had the audacity to find my Tumblr account after you disappeared yet another time, after two long years of repressing your existence from my memories

After how you treated me, how worthless, how disgusting you made me feel on so many occasions, how you made me believe your lies and how you twisted my reality

About how you affected me more than anyone else even tho your hands never touched my body, and theirs did. You touched my mind and that was enough

I think about how i couldn’t even tell anyone, especially my mom about it. She would have told me i wanted it, that i was irresponsible, a whore, maybe. Would you agree? Is that what you thought of me? Did you think i wanted for someone like you to exploit me?

I was a child and you saw how malleable my mind was. You saw it and you loved it when i thought you saw me and loved me.

When you disappeared, i think a piece of me died. Maybe it was for the better

Now you have a girlfriend and it tore my heart in pieces. You’re happy and in love and it disgusts me. I want you to still be hurting

And worst of all, it feels like you replaced someone you should have never thought of in the first place. It feels like you replaced me.

#personal vent #implied grooming #grooming #nccsa #implied nccsa #i hate that he has a girlfriend #actually traumatized #actually abused #emotional abuse #actually mentally ill #manipulation #emotional manipulation

[iboulderdash]

HOKAY, SO

I'm prepping my ol' Tumblr account here as Twitter eats shit. It'll take some work to fully customize things and the like, but for now, this is a start.

I will be disassociating from the iBrony days and the... Conservative things I said. Nothing racist, thank god I was never that far down the rabbit hole, but I was conservative nonetheless. This'll be the only time I'll get political to explain.

I was conservative because it was how I was raised. I didn't understand politics as much at the time and just trusted what my mom would say. While ultimately a good woman, she does buy into the propaganda the GOP and the like spewed and it trickled down to me. I did post some things here on Tumblr a long time ago that while not offensive outright, I was vocal about Obama in my corner here.

Those are days I now rebuke.

I have the Trump administration to thank for letting me see the light of what the Republican party has become these days, a cesspool of hypocrisy and manipulators who use old fashioned values of community and family to then twist and turn the people who vote for them, distracting them while they fleece their pockets and get away with so much more. Yeah, the only good thing to come from the Trump administration is that they turned me Democratic.

I would say deep down, I'm still the person I was back then and that my affiliation change is now a better representation of who I always been. I always believed in treating people with kindness, respect, support, and to do your best to grow into a better version of yourself. I tried over these years to become a better person of myself, recognize my mistakes (justified or no), learn from them, and becoming more.

And yes, I'm sure some people would argue I was a bad mod. Maybe I didn't go about some things the right way, which I will own to. Yet on the other hand, there were some truly nasty and vile people who treated their fellow people as trash and would sling some very hurtful words my way not out of correct criticism, but because they're just a terrible person. I'm not mod of any site anymore and allow me a moment to express my true feelings now that I don't have to set an example for other people and so carefully have to choose my wording to be as inoffensive as possible.

"Fuck you."

You've no idea the times I wanted to just ban someone because they got in my nerves. If I had a nickel for any time that happened, modding would've been a pretty sweet gig instead of volunteer work.

But those days are past me and I have absolutely no intention of doing that again. I rather now just chill out in my own corner, not having the burden of responsibility to get involved in other peoples' business and getting trashed on for just doing my job. Irony is that it wasn't the members who broke me there, but rather my fellow friends on staff... but that's a can of worms I don't want to ever open again. Let's leave it at that I was asked to come back when I retired to help with a particular situation, told them what I needed to get it done and upfront on a particular policy, they agreed to it, but backed out when it came to cash the check. It was a very painful situation.

So yup, that's that. Gonna keep that in the past and just set up my bunker and network with the people I want to follow as I pull out a lawn chair and watch the multi billionaire recoil from a very costly mistake. I got butter lovers popcorn.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Does it annoy when someone is really, really obnoxious? Oh, absolutely. I can’t stand when people are cocky, arrogant, and obnoxious.  Do you say 'start' or 'begin'? I think I’ve said “start” more often.  Whose the last person you laughed with? My brother.  Who can make you smile no matter what? My doggo usually can.  What color is your favorite fruit? Yellow.

Do you have any plans for today? Nothing out of the ordinary, just watch YouTube videos, scroll through Tumblr, do some surveys, maybe read, maybe color, sleep... that’s about it.   Have you ever dumped someone or been dumped on Valentine's day? No. Has anyone ever hacked onto your myspace/facebook etc account? No. Do you look like your sibling(s)? We have our similar features. Although, there’s this filter on Snapchat sometimes that makes you look like a man with a goatee and it seriously makes me look identical to my older brother lol. It’s just funny because I don’t feel it’s so apparent normally.  Do you prefer buses or cabs? Neither, really.  Does anyone call you 'babe' or 'baby'? ”Babe” sometimes.  Do you like your eye color? Meh, I wish I had blue or green eyes.  Is there someone you can't get enough? Alexander Skarsgard. ;) How was your week? There’s finally been talk of me just going home and skipping the rehabilitation center I was supposed to go to but haven’t been able to go for various reasons. I was supposed to go July 1st, but there was insurance issues. Then I was supposed to go August 1st to a different, but yet again a few other road bumps got in the way. I’m thinking I’m not meant to go? ha. It’ll be so close, like yeah you’re going, they’re ready for you, and then nope! I’m perfectly fine with that, though, let me go home damnit. They’ve been showing my mom how to do some stuff so she can do it at home, so I hope I’ll be going home soon. I do want to do the swallowing test first and see if I can start a liquid diet and be able to have actual drinks and then work up to actual food. 

Do you keep up with the celebrity gossip? Yeah, but not nearly as much as I used to.  Are you wearing any masacara? No. I’m not wearing any makeup.  Whose the most innocent person you know? I don’t know. Do you check Postsecret every week? I never go on the website, I just come across a Facebook post of theirs once in awhile. Is there anyone you regret knowing? No. Does your best friend smoke? No. Have you ever flown a kite? I think I have once when I was a kid.  Do you throw pennies away? No.  Has anyone ever told you a lame line like, 'It's not you, it's me'? Yes, which I thought was BS at the time, but then I’ve said that before and I  believe it truly was me, so... Do you think you're a fragile person? I’ve become one over the past 6 years, physically and figuratively. I feel so weak in every way.  Are you truly happy right now? No. Do you like all your aunts and uncles? All but one.  Whose the last person you said hi to? My dad just now.  Would you rather stay friends with exes or not? I mean it depends. I’ve tried and it ultimately didn’t work out for me, but that’s not to say it never could. It works for some people. Are your parents proud of you? They say they are. I don’t know why, I feel like such a disappointment and failure.  Are you proud of who you are? No. How many sinks are in your house? Three. Have you ever worked somewhere with horrible conditions? I’ve never had a job.  Do you know all your best friend's secret? No. What's your opinion on ...on what? Have you ever been scared to be home alone? Yeah. Even still, like I’m fine for awhile during the day but I don’t stay home alone at night or overnight.  Is your sibling(s0 a good liar? I don’t feel like they’re habitual liars, they’re pretty good, honest people.  Are YOU a good liar? No. I used to be able to hide my emotions better, but definitely not anymore. I do downplay things and maybe leave some things out, though.  What's the best game show? I like to watch Family Feud and The Weakest Link.  Do you say 'simple' or 'plain'? Uhh, depends what I’m talking about.  Name a time when you couldn't control your anger: It was during a very stressful and long trip from Idaho to California (we went to Idaho because my grandpa lived there and he was sick and dying) and our emotions were high because of my grandpa’s passing. I think there was hanger mixed in there for some of us, too. My dad and I were bickering and I just got so mad because given everything going on it was just too much. I remember actually shaking because I was so mad.  How often do you wash your hands? Often, and I use hand sanitizer often as well.  What's your dream car? I don’t have one. Are you one of those people who want to marry Edward Cullen? No. I was team Edward back in the Twilight days, though, and thought he was cute.  What's something you need to survive, other then the obvious food, etc? My family.  Have you ever been kicked in the stomach? No. What would you do if the president asked you to hang out? Nah, that’s okay. Would you rather never wear hoodies again or never wear T-shirts again? Aw, I really like hoodies and graphic tees, but out of the two I’d go with never wear hoodies. I have so many graphic tees and I’d like to keep getting more. Even though I shouldn’t cause I don’t have room... Do you know how to stop an over-flowing toilet? Yeah. When you're typing, do you type 'tomorrow' or 'tmr'? I type, “tomorrow.” With the exception of like, “lol”, “lmao”. “omg”, and “wtf”, I don’t like shorthand or text speak.  Whose the most kind person you know? My mom.  Did you see the movie 'House of wax'? Did you like it? Yeah. Do you have any special jewlery? I do. Do you/did you like school? Overall, I would say I did. In the midst of it I wouldn’t have said that, though. I got so stressed out, burnt out, and overwhelmed, but I did like some aspects of it. Plus, at least I was being productive then. Since graduating UC back in 2015 I haven’t done shit.  Have you ever dated the same person more then three times? Joseph and I had a complicated, off and on thing for like 3 years.  Do you need to wash your hair? I do. Lol or lmao? I use both.  Can you tell when your best friend is lying? I think so. Do you like writing speeches? No. I hated giving them even more.  Do you have bangs? No. Do you say 'lol' even when it's not that funny? I’ll write it with a deadpan look and all lol. Like now.  What's your favorite perfume? Hmm. I don’t have one particular one.  Have you ever been dumped through text? No, but via Facebook Messenger.  Who doesn't deserve to be so famous? I don’t know. Does your hair get greasy soon after washing it? No. If the last person you kissed asked you to marry them, what would you do? Uh, say no and be like wtf?? That would definitely be completely out of the blue. We haven’t seen or talked to each other in 6 years and he had ended things with me years prior because he didn’t feel the same way about me and didn’t want to commit. Now he just shows up and wants to get married? Nah. 

Do you trust people soon after meeting them? No. What do you order at fast food restaurants? Most likely chicken tenders, but it depends on the place of course.  If you were to have a son, what would you name him? I’m not having kids.  Do you eat fish? No. How many of your cousins are married? Several. Many are in long-term relationships and have a family, just not married.  How many times have you gotten manicures? Once, it was for my 8th grade graduation.  Can you get to sleep anywhere or do you need certain conditions? I need to be comfortable physically and temperature wise.  Do you go to tanning beds? No. Big sunglasses, aviators or normal sized ones? None. What was your teacher's name is grade seven? I had a few teachers, like one for math, one for history, one for science, one for English.  Do you know anyone who recently got engaged? No. What color is your most comfy pair of pajamas? I have several t-shirt dresses in various colors and prints that I like to wear for pajamas and around the house.  Do you prefer to keep your issues private? I’m open here in these surveys, but I keep most things to myself in “real life” and on Facebook. I’m vague and selective with what I share on Facebook. I very rarely post anything at all to be honest.  Is the room you're in right now messy? No. Have you ever had a cat who had kittens? I’ve never had a cat.  What was the last thing to make you cringe? Hm. I don’t recall.  Has a chair you were sitting on ever collapsed? No. What is the most basic thing you know? I don’t know? Have you ever heard the song 'If you seek Amy'? Yes. Do you think watching a birth is beautiful or gross? I’m sorry, but I don’t find it beautiful lol. Does your myspace/e-mail/etc have any x's in it? Back in the day all my usernames and emails did.  What's your favorite kind of math? (Addition, division, etc) Uh, none. I hate math.  Would you rather name your daughter Rachel or Holly? I’m not having kids, but for the sake of the question I like the name Rachel better.  Have you ever ditched a friend for a guy? I kind of did in middle school. :/ Would you like to date a musician? I’m not seeking out one, but if I found a guy who happened to play an instrument I’d be into that. I’d love if they could play piano.  Do you know who Pete Wentz is? Yeah. What's your favorite thing to do on a road trip? Snack and listen to music.  What's your favorite thing to eat on a road trip? Chips and sweets. 

#personal #text #survey #surveys #long survey

[ttcbabymccarty]

I feel like I go days without even thinking about tumblr and then spend like hours here 🙃 anyway I have this cousin who’s not really a cousin, her mom was in a long term relationship with my grandpa so I guess she’d be some sort of quasi aunt if anything. Anyway, she has an 8 year old and the baby daddy and her are divorced now because he was verbally abusive for years and then he hit her and she left. Well about 5 months ago now it comes to light that he also hit the son too and he’s saying all this awful stuff to him and naturally she flips her shit and they get immediate emergency custody with a temporary restraining order blah blah blah. Here’s my issue though, she’s full on insane. Like I think certifiably. She’s always saying stuff that she definitely doesn’t mean and she’s flakey. She’s told me upwards of 10 times she’s coming over to visit and then the day comes and she just… doesn’t show up. It came to a head last week when she planned a visit weigh her son and I mentioned we were going somewhere after they left and she lost it on me saying all sorts of shit like I didn’t value her time and what a sacrifice she made driving all the way to me (which is fair, it’s 2 hours one way but let’s not forget I never asked her to) but now she had a court date where they closed the cps case and have to go back to 50/50 custody and I feel like on one hand I should reach out to her but on the other hand, I’m still really Pissed off at her because she said some really nasty stuff to me. Idk what the point of all this is, I’m just really disappointed that someone close to 40 still behaves like this and nobody holds her accountable for her actions because she’s “in a crisis”. Family drama is weird.

[incomprehensiblelentils]

Book Meme~

I was tagged by @spurlunk!

Last book I…

Bought: Cafe con Lychee by Emery Lee (m/m YA rivals to lovers romcom) and The Memory Librarian by Janelle Monae (a collection of stories inspired by her Dirty Computer album) came in the mail today!

Borrowed: I haven’t been able to listen to audiobooks much during the pandemic but my friend I share my Overdrive account with just got the first Percy Jackson in, so I’ll try that bc I know that story so well it might ease my brain back into things.

Was gifted: My mom got me Priory of the Orange Tree by Samantha Shannon, in hardcover, which I usually prefer but I have been sort of putting it off bc i don’t know how I am going to lug that book around on the bus, which is where I usually read lol.

Gave/lent to someone: B and I gave her mom Gideon the Ninth and Harrow the Ninth for Christmas because we knew she’d love them (she did!).

Started: I am about 1/3 through a YA Phantom of the Opera uh...retelling, I guess, because B told me to read it because it’s absolutely batshit. We are going to write an in-depth review of it after I finish because we need to process what the hell is going on in it.

Finished: Warriors: A Starless Clan: River by Erin Hunter, the first of series 8, which was a lot of setup but I loved it. It’s nice to be excited about my worst special interest lmao.

Gave five stars: I haven’t used Goodreads since like, before the pandemic started lmao oops but it would’ve been Harrow the Ninth if I had logged it!

Gave two stars: I mean, I feel like it’s going to be this YA Phantom book because it’s not SO bad that I would necessarily one-star it but I can’t in good conscience say that I like it.

Didn’t finish: I think I read about 1/3 of Some Girls Do by Jennifer Dugan while we were waiting for a movie to start a few weeks ago, and then I left it in my car, which is more of an indictment of my forgetfulness than the book (I will definitely go back finish the book lol).

I’m tagging @toriasimmons @swiftzeldas @purlturtle @dollsome-does-tumblr @nerdfaerie and uhhh anyone else who wants to!

#books

[dianalolihikki]

Hey!💜🩷

I think this is the first time I have a problem with what I want to post here.

And it's not about the severity of the topic covered.

It's just that I don't think I have anything to post about,because nothing was happening.

On the one hand, it's a good thing, because it means there are no quarrels and I hope it stays that way🩷🎀⭐.

Today I was mostly online. My mom went to visit a friend for a couple of hours, so there was also some peace and quiet, in the sense that there were no potential arguments.

The only thing that annoyed me so much was Spotify. Some songs would switch to the next song on their own. The player would turn on and off by itself. Also well it could be the fault of my phone. It is possible that the volume button was pressed too hard,that would explain why the sound often increases or decreases on its own.

I drank hot chocolate today, it was delicious.⭐

💮💮💮💮

A posted a photo from Albania today. Admittedly, they were standing with their backs to the photographer, but it was clear that A was kissing J on the cheek.

I wonder how J feels about all this? I mean the whole posting of pictures by A of them together. I know J doesn't like this kind of showing up on the Internet,or maybe not so much that he doesn't like it as he thinks it's something stupid. I wonder if he still feels that way? Or maybe it is like in his previous relationship: He sacrificed himself for his ex-wife. He pretended to be someone he is not for her. I like him a lot, but he's a retard when it comes to being overly altruistic.

I remember how A and I used to laugh at couples who put such photos online,and now she is doing the same thing.

Could it be that jealousy is speaking through me?

I don't think I should post about their private lives, even in such a small matter.

I remember my old online friend told me that when you post a diary online,you shouldn't post about other people in it,because they might take it as bitching about them.

I don't think I should post about J's former relationships.

Perhaps even about the photo.

But I will not delete anything.

The chance that they will find this blog is very low.

They certainly don't have time for it,besides, they don't even have accounts on Tiktok,much less on Tumblr.

Although maybe this is not a rule?

Maybe they have accounts here?

Now I'll be paranoid for the rest of my life and won't post anything honest here anymore.

I know J has a blog yet he never gave me the address, so it's probably not easy to find such things.

I tried to look for this blog, but did not find it.

Now I'm wondering if I went too far yesterday in accusing them of not liking me?

After all, when I was at the camps it was many times they assured me of their affection for me,because they saw that I doubted it.

They took me to their place, or out for sushi. They didn't do that with every patient.

They remembered to wish me a happy birthday at the camp, even when I was there three months after my birthday.

They gave me gifts, sometimes even without an occasion, and didn't expect anything in return.

I won't count the hours I spent talking with them, or the fact that they sometimes took me to extra therapy in the afternoon, often for free.

Now I feel bad about what I wrote about them yesterday, but that's how I felt, sometimes I still feel that way after all.

Sometimes I think that I actually have a lot of reasons to believe that they adore me, however, I also have a whole other lot of reasons to believe that I am indifferent to them.

I myself do not know when I am right.

Today I am convinced that they adore me. 🎀⭐🩷

Maybe it's better to leave this topic. I think I feel like posting more about it, but I don't know if it's a good idea for today. I often overthink a particular topic a lot and look for negatives in it by force.

Anyway, I don't even know what more to say about it except that I feel stupid and don't know when I'm right when I think about my relationship with them.

Nevertheless, I hope I will continue to be honest in this diary.

💮💮💮💮

Today my younger brother and his girlfriend came for a short visit with his girlfriend's parents.

The brother's girlfriend told her mom about me having therapy with K. About how handsome he is,about me hitting on a younger guy.

Except that I'm not hitting on him.

That's also made me realize that I am already at that age where picking up younger guys is already seen as something cool,not immoral. I guess I really am getting old~.

I also wonder why everyone is asking how handsome K is, but don't ask what kind of physiotherapist he is?

I know I wasn't supposed to post about other people's lives, but today I heard from my brother that a few years ago B was caught with her lover, a married guy,the son of B's elderly patient.

I wonder if these rumors are true?

Do I really know B as well as I think I do?

💮💮💮💮

I am finishing for today.

This was supposed to be a short post, but it came out as usual.⭐

Malice Mizer is playing in my headphones, I have a Coke and blueberries on my desk. 🩷

#cerebral palsy #neurodivergent #neurodiverse stuff #physically disabled #hikikomori #actually neurodivergent #diary #teacher crush #older men crush #physical therapist crush #physical therapist #physical disability #physical therapy #unrequited feelings #teacher attachment #unrequited affection #confused #delusional #delulu