Stayed up late looking through old art because an archive is down. Then stayed up waaay to late trying to find old friends and mutuals and have failed (as usual, many of them the type to nuke their online presence without warning and start up again with a new name)
And I'm sitting here thinking through why I want to find them (close friends I miss deeply, someone who i'd been close with but we had a misunderstanding and I've never fully been able to apologize or explain now that I am in much better mental health, some who I was only a little aware of but am curious about)
And I think, for most if not all, I don't even want to have a connection if they don't. That's fine. I understand. We are adults with lives and other problems. I just want to be able to check in. To see you are around. To see what you're creating, if you are.
I don't have to be part of that. But they were all such large pieces in my journey of growing up. And to never be able to check in makes me sad.
Anyway, expect nostalgia art from my highschool OCs. Cause in trying to find something I re-read a bunch of shit. (And with the lense of NOT SEVERELY DEPRESSED AND BEEN THROUGH MANY YEARS OF THERAPY I'm now like SHITFUCKDAMMIT I DIDN'T UNDERSTAND and tears lol)
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How do you think your favorite clones’ first time went?
Okay okay. I want to preface this by saying that any of these boys could be somewhere on the asexuality spectrum and I'd believe it, but that's another post with other reasons. Here's my best attempt at putting thoughts together.
Crosshair:
Let's be real. He's my favorite and I think about him the most so let's start with him. Basically, my thoughts are that it takes Crosshair a good while to get to the the point of trusting someone enough to form a relationship/partnership/bond, and then even more time to get to the first time together. He wants to make his partner feel good and thinks about this a lot beforehand without saying anything, but in the moment is still figuring out how to do that. He's somewhat unsure or insecure about taking his clothes off. I think if he's with someone who is going to be anything but soft for his first time, he's going to shut down. He's intelligent and thoughtful but he doesn't vocalize a lot of his thoughts so he needs to be with someone who understands how he communicates too.
Thankfully, some other people have written about Crosshair's first time so I am going to direct you to them.
Might I suggest Soft Starters by nahoney?
There's also two versions of Secure (f reader and m reader) by clone-anon-after-dark. These aren't necessarily first time for Crossbair, but first time with someone.
Tech:
I think he's going to do research to try to learn as much as possible, but Tech knows that you can't read enough to make up for experience. I think he's probably going to make his best attempt, and he might get a bit embarrassed at finishing early. I know Tech is usually very secure in himself, but there are all kinds of emotions wrapped up in sex for many people and I think he would choose to be with someone who brings out those emotions in him. I think there's a high chance he gets flustered at one point or another and needs some reassurance. I do like the direction taken by nahoney for Tech in Soft Starters (linked above), that he would want to be as prepared as possible. I think if he's with someone who has a little experience, he would let them take the lead for sure. I don't think he would jump into bed the moment he realizes he has feelings for someone and they are reciprocated. Tech is a planner so he would at least want to talk about it first. I don't know if this is exactly what I envision, but clone-anon-after-dark also wrote two versions of Don't Leave (f version and m version) that are pretty soft.
I don't know exactly, but anyway those are my thoughts.
Gregor:
Oh my god. I don't know if I've ever found a fic that describes his first time, so I don't have anything to link here that roughly lines up with what makes sense in my head.
I don't know that it was planned and I wonder if he was just fumbling around with someone he met during the war. I think he's a pretty go-with-the-flow kind of guy and he was all over the place during the war from what I can tell so I don't know that he was even in a relationship. Regardless, I think he would be a lot of fun and not let things bother him. He would be quite vocal about how hot he finds the person he's with and would make no bones about asking questions. "The Kaminoans thought we didn't need to learn much about anatomy, which is a real shame. Guess you'll have to help me out." I don't think he'd have a problem letting the other person take charge. He would love sitting back and watching. Gregor loves experiencing life and this would be no different.
I do think, however, the first time he's with someone he really loves, it clicks. Oh, this is what intimacy feels like and it's like a whole different first time.
Tagging: @freesia-writes
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hi hello ,, offers you 16 for double life ethubs nods
16. have you ever / you wouldn't dare (x) (1026 words)
Bdubs makes it clear very early on that there is a bed in his home that has a space for him. It is not Bdubs’ bed, but it is a bed in a home too similar to something Etho and Bdubs built with their own hands and he lets him know that it can be his home, too. It never is, but the fragment of a person that is Etho on his red life visits him often.
Bdubs watches him from his spot in the grass. It’s dark—not so dark that anything will sneak up on him, though, but it’s dark enough to see the sky. Bdubs lies in the grass alone. Impulse is asleep. He doesn’t know that Etho is here but he knows that there is no sleeping shape next to him but he does not stir to check it. Bdubs hangs in the balance of his trust. Bdubs is also trusting Etho not to be armed.
Etho shuffles over, hands stuffed in his pockets. He looks small under his big coat. It’s chilly, not cold, but Etho looks like he might freeze to death even with the fever of a red life slushing through his veins. He pulls his hands from his pockets as he wanders over, hooking them in the loops of his mask. He pulls it off as he sits. His face is pale, taut, tired. He lies back in the grass. Bdubs looks back up at the stars above him.
He traces the familiar ones with his eyes, hands resting on his sternum. He hears Etho sigh beside him as he settles his head against the hood of his coat. He does not fully know why Etho is here, but he offers him his company in return for not killing him on sight. It seems to be working.
Etho turns his head after a moment, and says, with a hint of curiosity in his voice:
“Have you ever thought about what it would’ve been like? If it had been us together?”
Bdubs turns his head to face him. Etho is close to him—close enough so that their noses almost brush and he can count his individual white eyelashes. His eyes aren’t mismatched anymore—they’re both deeply red. It kind of suits him. Bdubs frowns with his whole face.
“I don’t know if it would’ve been good.”
“Maybe,” Etho gives a halfhearted shrug. “Maybe not. I think about it sometimes.”
“I’m not surprised you do.”
Bdubs hauls himself up, reaching over to smack him. He makes contact with Etho’s shoulder, and Etho jerks away, swatting his hand away.
“Hey!”
Bdubs snorts.
“All I’m saying is I get it. But we would’ve been scared, Etho,” he folds his hands in his lap, looking into them. He looks over at him again. “Witless. Scared for each other. You know?”
Etho’s still lying down. He looks up at him with big, wide eyes. Something flickers behind him that Bdubs rarely sees—something unsure. Bdubs watches him swallow.
“I dunno,” he says softly.
“Etho, don’t lie to me,” Bdubs sighs. He slouches, sagging forward and resting his elbows on his knees. “ It doesn’t feel good, I know. I know...I know you care about how I’m doing, alright?”
“Sure.” Etho folds his hands on his stomach, tapping his thumbs together.
“I know you do. You’re also not a good liar.”
“Mhm.”
“Listen, listen, bottle it up all you want. Bottom line is, once we get out of here, I’m not letting you out of my sight, okay? No longer.”
Etho props himself up on his elbows, enough so that when he inches closer, they’re so close that Bdubs could reach over and knock their heads together. Etho lowers his voice, conspiratorial.
“Is that a promise, ‘Dubs?” he says, a smile worming into his face.
“Is that a promise—” Bdubs snorts, throwing his head back, rolling his eyes. “Do I look like a liar to you?”
Etho shakes his head and lies through his teeth.
“Never.”
Bdubs grins.
“C’mere you.”
Bdubs leans forward and takes his face in his hands. He laces his fingers around the back of his head and kisses him. Then Etho kisses him back, and he doesn’t pull back right away either. And then Bdubs pulls him a little closer, kisses him a little harder. He tries to say I’m sorry or this is the worst set of circumstances or after everything it’s still you and it’s still us and it still will be. But he’s just kissing him and he’s not a telepath. He finally pulls away from him. Etho almost doesn’t, but he knows when Bdubs has had enough and lets him go.
“Go on, Bdubs,” he says, still held in Bdubs’ hands. “Back inside before Impulse gets too worried.”
“He won't,” Bdubs says. His eyes are still closed. “He trusts me.”
“Good. I’m glad he does. I wouldn’t trust anyone else to keep you safe around here.”
Etho keeps tracing his knee. Bdubs finally looks at him. Something twists tight in his stomach, something about the soft, far away look on Etho’s face. He leans forward again. Their skulls knock together.
“I’ll see you soon, okay, Etho?” he says. Etho laughs, pats his knee, and untangles himself. Or, rather, lets Bdubs untangle, letting him pull away first. He’s still sitting in the grass when Bdubs stands.
“Keep Impulse safe, Bdubs,” he says, brushing the dirt from the back of his jacket. “I don’t want you gone before me, alright?”
“I will, Etho,” Bdubs says. He stays half turned to him as Etho stands. They share one more full look before Etho pulls his mask back over his face. “I will, I promise.”
Etho lets him go back into the house without a complaint. Bdubs doesn’t see if he stands there any longer. He goes back to Impulse, sleeping, and Etho goes back to the burnt shell of the Relation, alone.
(And he keeps that promise, if it’s any consolation.)
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