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#I NEEDED TO WIND UP SO BAD SO ITS aS LIGHTHEARTED AS POSSIBLE IVE ONLY HAD
failed221b-chill · 3 months
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Sat 6 Jan 3am
... turns out avoiding all chores to figure out a baseline that wiuldnt set off pem has just meant my dishes have gone moldy and my bedding needs changing and im getting major histamine dumps at night and cant sleep from how intensely my eyes are leaking. Stupid mcas.
So i guess when its daytime and i wont be disturbing anyone in the house im going to have to massively exhaust myself and send myself into pem to try and get rid of all the mold and dust and whatever else isnt helping my mcas flaring and then... oh right. Im due on again soon thats interfering with my body and making the mcas worse too. Ffs.
I havent even gone downstairs more than once in a day the last two weeks trying to rest enough to not do the whole boom and bust thing. And yknow. Trying to avoid catching coughs and fuck knows what else from my housemates.
I just want to be able to cook for myself without it costing me so many bad days afterwards!
Ive had mostly good days while ive been doing minimal activity and eating mostly dried foods and powdered soups i can make with the kettle in my room. It's been nice to play animal crossing pocket camp on my phone and listening to the text to speech app read my fic back to me. It's been nice to know i dont have to go anywhere and dont have to push myself.
Of course now im worried bc next week i have at least 2 appts to go to and im not sleeping well at all from these allergies and tbh i think the cold at night is part of the trigger but i know moldy dishes in my room arent helping so i need to deal with them.
And oh god i want to have enough energy to be able to fact taking a shower with my shower chair. I havent dared have one since i fainted on the way to the bathroom last week. But i also didnt have enough energy before that so im just gross atm. Chronic illness ain't cute!!!! At least. Not when youre the only one around to practically care for yourself and you cant even stand up for 3mins anymore.
Mentally im doing great!!!! (I wasnt the other day but i got through it and reminded myself of the warm feelings and the goals and i had the big epiphany about still being able to dream and have a sense of purpose just on a longer slower timescale) so yeah im doing well as far as mental being goes. i wouldnt say im majorly stressed bc im just avoiding everything that i cant do and playing animal crossing on my phone which is lighthearted and adorable.
But physically im just... declining? Deteriorating? Or have i always been like this? Was the past where i climbed up cliff faces in harsh winds and crawled through cave rivers and had four different part time jobs and volunteerng and studying and social hangouts all dreams? Did i ever actually do the things? Did my brain ever work?
I know it did. I know it still does, on some level. I know I did those physical things in the past. I have very little possibility of safely being able to do any of them again. I have some recollection of them feeling challenging to the point of too much at the time. I have some vague feeling of this isnt right everyone else is doing it better than me why does it hurt me why am i so goddamn tired constantly? But i didnt know enough back then. I didnt know what i know now and i have to forgive myself for that. And thats just a big part of growing up anyway. A universal thing. We learn more as we grow and we have to learn to forgive our past selves so we can continue with our focus on the present and the future.
I think maybe my eye might have stopped leaking now that its been like 2hrs since i took the extra antihistamine and 1hr since i drank ginger cordial which is another form of antihistamine.
So perhaps... might be able to sleep before 5.30am tonight? Its 3.30am now. I am so tired i only got two daytime naps in today in the hope that id be able to sleep properly tonight but the mcas just doesnt care about my plans!!!!
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cosmosrival · 3 years
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an idea i wanted to draw since august hi have some masckamash/ashkama hanging out at the beach <3
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