#I WILL NOT | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

helpimstuckposting · 5 months

Text

I’m a ghost and you are a shadow

—

When the doorbell rang at 8am, Steve realized that he, Eddie, and Robin had been talking for four straight hours - laughing, shrieking, goofing around - and Linda Harrington had still not descended the staircase. He was kind of glad for it, still didn't know how to react despite the tears and hugs they shared yesterday. He wondered if she was deliberately giving them space to make him feel better, or if she was doing what he'd known his own mother to do and just staying away. He knew he'd see her again, had to face her the same way he faced everyone in the party, but he tucked that away in the 'For Later' box as well.

This time he was the one to open the door — Dustin and Lucas rushing through the archway. Will tossed him a hesitant smile, walking past more gently, and Mike stayed on the steps, taking Steve in with a scrunched up face still full of disbelief.

“So weird,” he muttered as he shoved past, following the other kids into the house.

Steve scoffed and rolled his eyes, glancing to the driveway to see if anyone else had arrived yet.

“Good morning to you, too, Mike,” he called after the teen, shutting the door and following them to the living room.

The hours he spent with Eddie and Robin in the dark dredges of early morning light had passed. As the first handful of the party took their places on the warn white couches in the living room, Steve glanced over at them. New mugs steaming with a fresh brew of coffee held tightly in their hands and Robin’s lips were pursed in a look she’d definitely stolen from Nancy. Steve shouldn’t be looking forward to the kids leaving, shouldn’t be looking forward to an empty house that he’d always dreamed would be full to the brim, but he was already wishing to go back into the dimly lit kitchen with Robin chasing Eddie around the counter.

A bit ashamed of his thoughts, and in need of distraction, Steve trudged back to the kitchen, pulling ingredients to make the group breakfast. He wasn’t sure if they’d eaten already, but knowing how teenage boys were, he was sure they wouldn’t mind more. Really, he just needed to stall. Stall the incoming talk about what they were going to do, how they were going to fix this, how they were going to send Steve back into the wasteland of his own Hawkins. He wanted to bask in the easy laughter of the early sunrise again, pretend that his two favorite people were there to stay, that they’d never left.

But Steve’s always learned quickly that happy moments were fleeting, that even happy memories could squeeze his chest and fill his lungs with a bitter sadness at the realization that he can’t go back. It’s just forward, always forward, into a dark abyss that sometimes contained more happy memories he’d never be able to go back to. Forward, forward, forward into the unknown, away from where it’s safe, away from where it’s warm and gentle and nice.

Steve put a pan of eggs on the stove, lighting the gas to scramble up a large plate. If it were just him, he’d add some other ingredients to the mix but Will didn’t like onions, Mike didn’t like tomatoes, Dustin wasn’t a fan of peppers, and Robin was lactose intolerant so he couldn’t put cheese in it. He knew she’d eat it anyway, but she shouldn’t, even though she never listened to him.

Instead, he left them alone to cook on low and started chopping the veggies to plate on the side. He could hear the group talking over each other in the living room, arguing about what to put on the TV while they waited for the rest to arrive, and Steve let their voices wash over the silence he’d hid himself in, flooding the room with a comfortable static.

The tap of a knuckle knocking against the countertop behind him broke through the hum of their voices. Steve turned to find Dustin awkwardly leaning against the kitchen island, arms crossed against his chest, watching Steve prepare a full breakfast that no one had asked for but Steve had felt compelled to make anyway. He glanced back toward the hallway, slightly bouncing in place like he wasn’t sure if he was allowed to be there.

“Hey, kid,” Steve greeted, turning back to the eggs once the veggies were cut.

“Do you… do you need help?” Dustin asked. Steve didn’t really, but one look at the lost expression on Dustin’s face told him he shouldn’t say no.

“Yeah, could you start plating everything for me while I cook the bacon?” he asked lightly, putting the large pan of eggs next to the veggies so Dustin had easy access. The boy nodded silently, unwrapping his arms from around himself and heading straight for the cabinet that held the serving dishes. Steve tried not to think about the Dustin in his world who’d never been around long enough to know Steve’s house like his own.

They worked in tandem silence for a few minutes, Steve making sure to cook the bacon with at least three levels of done-ness, because Max liked her bacon cooked in the fires of Hell itself, but El preferred it less crunchy. He listened to Dustin shuffling around behind him, the clanking of ceramic on granite and scrape of utensils blended again into the din of conversation leaking in through the living room.

Steve was just about to scoop the last of the bacon out of the pan when he felt arms wrap tightly around his waist. The movement startled him, and he almost dropped the spatula into the grease-filled pan before he righted himself and set it down. He glanced under his arm to find Dustin clinging to him with his eyes shut firmly tight, the weight of his arms constricting like a snake squeezing the breath from his lungs. The tightness settled into his bones in the same way his conversations with Eddie and Robin had the day before, like he needed them, like spider veins of gold piecing all of his cracks back together.

“What’s up, kid?” he asked, voice barely a whisper.

“I know you’re a different Steve, but I’m still glad you’re here. I missed you. I didn’t say it yesterday,” Dustin whispered back, just as softly, like a noise too loud would break the moment and shatter the bubble they’d made for themselves. "I just... I just wanted to tell you, just in case..." he trailed off.

Steve’s eyes pricked with emotion once again, and he brought a hand up to scratch at the bridge of his nose. He didn’t need to cry again, it was ridiculous at that point, but he wasn't the only one who thought this was all a dream and that made something squeeze in his chest. It seemed like that would happen a lot while he was here.

“I missed you, too, Dusty-Buns.” Dustin huffed at the nickname, his warm breath seeping through the back of Steve’s shirt, but he didn’t give a retort.

Once he let go they bled back into silence, putting the last of the bacon onto a serving platter, and carried all the food out into the dining room. Mike, Will, and Lukas were arguing on the couch while Eddie and Robin whispered their own argument to each other off to the side. Eddie cut himself off when he met Steve’s curious eye, a thin smile drifting over his face that didn’t quite meet his eyes.

Before Steve could toss over a questioning look, Eddie turned away with a flourish to entertain the teenagers. He didn’t finish his conversation with Robin, but a glance to her didn’t give Steve any idea what they’d been talking about. She looked annoyed. With a roll of her eyes, she walked over to Steve and Dustin to help set food on the table.

They’d just placed the last dish down when a dull thud of a car door eased through the house. A few more followed, and then the door opened, the gentle voices of Jonathan and Nancy leaking through to the living room.

Max and El came barreling through the foyer, taking Steve by surprise as they wrapped their arms around him. He’d expected them to treat him the same as yesterday afternoon, the way the boys had when they’d entered the house earlier. The attention from them and from Dustin just a few minutes prior were gnawing their way under his skin.

“Careful, Mayfield, I’m gonna start thinking you’re glad to see me,” Steve said, the humor in his voice a desperate attempt to cut through the sentimentality like a knife.

“Yeah, yeah, don’t let it go to your head,” she mumbled, extracting herself from the hug and snatching a strip of bacon from the tray with her bare hands before even sitting down.

“I’m glad to see you,” El said, smiling up at him. She gave him one more squeeze tight before letting go, finding herself a spot at the table to load up a plate of food.

He shook himself from the stupor that held him since he wandered into the kitchen. He shouldn't be avoiding anyone while he had them, while they were right there in front of him. Steve clapped is hands to grab everyones attention, gesturing down to the food filled table.

"Breakfast is ready for whoever wants it!" he called, watching amusedly as the boys scrambled over themselves to find a dish before he even finished his sentence. As he watched over all the teens yelling and fighting over utensils, he couldn't help but notice the feeling bubbling around in his chest. It felt carbonated, like the bubbles could fiz up past his throat in a scream, or bubble up enough to carry him away, right off his feet. He'd been trying to dampen his emotions and drown them all out for so long that it took him a while to realize it was contentment, happiness.

Steve cleared his throat looking over the party, trying discreetly to cough all the bubbles out of his system like he could shake a soda until it was flat. This was dangerous, getting attached was dangerous, and right after breakfast they were all going to make plans to send Steve back, he couldn't be feeling happy right now because he'd just feel worse later — later when he has to march through whichever gate spat him out here, later when he has to look at everyones face as it closed forever and he never saw them again. It would be much worse later if he let himself bleed into these feelings and let them wash over him like he desperately wanted to. Instead, he fit a mask over his face he'd spent so long crafting and tried to let the conversations at the table wash over him instead.

He caught Eddie's eye for a moment, the man still seated on the couch, and looked away before he could read past the mask. The Steve Harrington of this world didn't seem to have one, maybe Eddie wouldn't be able to tell. There was a tap at his shoulder, and Robin stepped up beside him with a small plate of food.

"I know you didn't eat anything," she whispered, like it was a secret. She nudged the plate into his arm, urging him to take it. He was fizzing again, but only let it go so far as to bubble up into a soft smile, taking the plate and smothering the feeling with food.

They all sat and ate, Eddie wandering over once the kids seemed full. It didn't escape Steve that he was left with the scraps, whatever bits and pieces were scattered around the table. He wondered if that was a piece of Wayne, just like Steve couldn't hide the pieces of him he'd unwillingly stolen from his own parents. Sitting at the table, the morning bled easily into the afternoon, just as the pre-dawn light had bled unforgivingly into the chaos of the morning.

The kids were always bickering or chattering or throwing things around, it was easy to let it all fill the house and fill any stray thoughts Steve didn't want to take hold. That was, however, until Nancy cleared her throat and reminded everyone they were here for a reason.

The din was gone, the cacophony thoroughly stifled. Everyone in the room seemed to look at him, like he knew what was going on. Steve was never the plan guy, had always been the 'just stay here and watch the kids' guy, though he could never even do that.

"So, first we should check and see if any of the gates are open and then, if there aren't, see if any new ones have popped up," Dustin started, thankfully taking the attention away from Steve.

"I mean, obviously it would be one of the gates around here. It's probably either the gate near the pool, or the gate in the woods the demogorgon opened to get to Steve's house," Mike said, leaning back in his seat. He looked earnest, though his voice had a thorough overtone of 'duh' to it, as if any of this had a precedence.

"Well, okay, first, we don't even know if it's a previous gate to begin with! I just babbled a little about scars and like, what kind of metaphor even is that, really. We don't know if that's how the gates actually work!" Robin butted in. She looked a little panicked, like reality was setting in and she was getting nervous. Steve selfishly hoped she was nervous to lose him, like he was to lose her.

"It's a good theory," Nancy said firmly, daring Robin to contradict her. "Do we really know how this works? No, but we do know that Steve wandered in from the woods. Mike is probably right, and that means you are too. We should check the woods first."

They continued for a while, Dustin suggesting they check out the other gate locations around town just to make sure there aren't multiple open. Steve obviously couldn't join any team wandering around town, what with wearing a dead man's face and all. It looked like he wouldn't be on babysitting duty anymore, though obviously the only kid at this point was Erica, and she wasn't there. Steve wanted to keep it that way. The least amount of people they could tell before he left, the better. He hoped Hopper and Joyce wouldn't find out either. Not until after. He wasn't sure he'd be able to look them in the eye after what happened in his world.

They ended up agreeing on three groups. Jonathan, Will, and Mike would start at one end of the town; Dustin, Lucas, Nancy, and Max starting on the other. They would take compasses to see if it reacted to any of the previous gate locations, and meet somewhere in the middle. Steve, Robin, Eddie, and El would take the woods, since that was where they expected the gate to be and El would be able to check it in person. If no one found a gate, they would walkie and figure it out from there, El could try her void mind trick and surf the TV static or whatever it was that she did. If someone did find a gate... they would walkie and figure it out from there.

They still needed to know if it was safe, if it really was connected to Steve's world, if it was possible to pass through again or if it was even possible to close.

Steve let out a breath he didn't realize he was holding. At least, it seemed, that it would take a while to fix the problem no matter what happened. Maybe he'd be able to stall more. Maybe he'd have more time. He hoped he would have more time.

—

Thank you thank you thank you to those still reading! I know we're kind of pattering out here, but I am still having so much fun writing this even though I've slowed down a bit lol I know how I want to end this now, which is exciting! I'm buzzing to get there

@devondespresso @weirdandabsurd42 @sirsnacksalot @space-invading-pigeon @aliea82 @goodolefashionedloverboi @emly03 @bestwifehaver @mentallyundone @13catastrophic-blues @estrellami-1 @cinnamon-mushroomabomination @likelylad @aellafreya @wxrmland @shunna @fangirltofangod @howincrediblysapphicofyou

88 notes · View notes

bbygirl-aemond · 1 year

Note

can you pls talk about rhaenys bc her conversation with alicent in ep9 INFURIATES me

Oop get ready for an unpopular opinion. I actually love that whole conversation and everything it illuminates about both Alicent and Rhaenys. It's such an effective and devastating commentary on the different reactions women have to the patriarchy. And I don't think it has to be read as Rhaenys antagonizing or looking down upon Alicent, in which case she definitely does come across as a hypocrite, given that she never once even attempts to disobey her husband no matter how strongly she disagrees with him.

But is that the only way to read Rhaenys's words here? No. And I'm not convinced she's trying to accuse Alicent of wrongdoing here, especially in light of the conversation Rhaenys had with Rhaenyra in episode 2. In that conversation, Rhaenyra very much seems to be reveling in the fact that she is an exception while Rhaenys is not. Rhaenys fails to rise to the bait, because she understands what Rhaenyra does not: There is no exception to misogyny, not even if you are the rightful heir to the throne. So it seems odd for Rhaenys to see right through Rhaenyra there, and yet to turn around and do the exact same thing to Alicent.

So I think that in episode 9 Rhaenys is commiserating with Alicent. Consider the actual words she says. Never once does she insult Alicent, or imply that she is evil for the things she's had to do. She simply says, "you toil still in service to men. Your father, your husband, your son." This doesn't have to be a judgment, since Rhaenys has spent her entire life doing the exact same thing. Remember, in this scene Rhaenys is trying to convince Alicent to free her. It's not unthinkable that she's trying to build common ground and incite Alicent's sympathy in order to get herself released. It's not unthinkable that she says this knowing the exact same thing applies to her, too, that she says this precisely because of it.

And consider the line "have you never imagined yourself on the Iron Throne" and how incredibly telling it is. Rhaenys isn't necessarily marveling at the fact that Alicent works within the limits of the patriarchy, because for all the above reasons Rhaenys herself very much does the same thing; she's marveling at the fact that Alicent is so brainwashed she doesn't even allow herself to privately dream of freedom. That she "desire[s] not to be free, but to make a window within the wall of [her] prison."

Because Rhaenys cannot stop imagining it, imagining herself on the Iron Throne. The indignity and cruelty and injustice of being denied her birthright haunts her every waking moment. Now, this anger does not give her the power to challenge what has been done to her. She conforms, and she submits, just like Alicent. But it makes her fucking furious, while Alicent will not even allow herself that. Rhaenys cannot be content with just a window, and she knows that deep down Alicent cannot be, either, but that doesn't mean Rhaenys thinks she's any less trapped within that prison. Rhaenys wants more than a window, and yet she knows that both her and Alicent will never be able to have anything more.

Rhaenys isn't marveling in how brainwashed Alicent is. She's sympathizing with it. Yes, she's frustrated and angry, but she displays enough awareness throughout the series to indicate that she'd understand Alicent isn't the target of her ire. She's venting, y'all, to the only other person who might understand her unique torment as a high-born woman whose power is still not enough to save her.

I know fandom loves to pit women against each other, especially in this case given the whole team divide within the HotD fandom. But in my mind, this is simply an excruciatingly honest and vulnerable conversation between two women who have spent their entire lives being trampled by the patriarchy, allowing it to happen because they have no other choice. They are the same in every way, and they are the same in their helplessness in the face of institutional misogyny. Alicent and Rhaenys are the same, save for how they privately feel about their circumstances: Whether they feel resignation, or rage.

And these negative feelings are levied not towards each other, because they both understand (unlike baby Rhaenyra in episode 2) that other women are not and have never been the enemy. Instead, these feelings are directed towards the men, towards the patriarchy, towards the system that has actually done this to them. Rhaenys is furious in this scene, but I think it's so much more interesting if you recognize that she is only ever furious at what the patriarchy has done to her, and that the only things she feels towards Alicent are camaraderie and pity.

HotD is a fascinating exploration of all of the different ways in which women try to respond or cope with the patriarchy. Alicent, a noble but relatively unpowerful girl, spends her entire life submitting to the more powerful men around her, telling herself she's alright with how things are. Rhaenys, one of the most powerful women alive, the rightful heir to the Throne and a dragonrider to boot, spends her entire life submitting to her more powerful, male family members, raging internally the whole way. Rhaenyra, arguably the most powerful woman alive, the rightful heir to the Throne and a dragonrider with the backing of all of the men in her family, fights and refuses to accept that things have to be this way. And yet all of them still suffer.

All of them still lose.

GRRM shows that no matter how much a woman conforms, and no matter how much a woman rebels, and no matter how much power a woman has within the system, the system will always win. No single person will ever best a centuries-instilled institution of oppression. This is also the reason why Daenerys succeeds, where these equally intelligent and talented women fail: Because she dismantles the system of power entirely. Because she breaks the wheel.

257 notes · View notes