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#I already picture scenarios where he’s doing crazy shit and does not regret it
kabukiaku · 3 years
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I still like the idea of moon and toffee being friends when they were younger. with things going real sour because of differences between mewmans and monsters. Have that sweet angsty drama and conflict. And of course, ultimately have toffee go: Yknow what? Fucc them mewmans. I’m gonna do crime.
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bakusdumptruck · 3 years
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Bakusquad Crack Post Pt.2
Hello you beautiful bitches 😌 hope you had a good day today! I was stuck on what I was going to write and decided to make a side story on what happened with the LoV in the first part! So now i’ll give you high bakusquad ft. The LoV🤩
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Pairing: Aged up Bakusquad x gn!Y/n x LoV 
Warnings: Use of marijuana, swearing, injuries, slight manga spoilers
Summary: Bakusquad gets kidnapped by the Lov, but it turns out better than expected.  
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✨QUICK RECAP ✨
You and the Bakusquad were v e r y faded chilling on a hill watching the stars 
A nomu pops out of no where and you all start attacking, but completely miss
The nomu starts chasing you and ends up knocking everyone out 
OKAY NOW LETS GET IT 😈
So... you got kidnapped by the infamous League of Villains
B💥: *waking up* “Fucking shit what hap- oh shit hey crusty 😏 never thought i’d be here again.”
ST(Shiggy)🧴: “Never thought you’d be this easy to catch you little bitch”
B💥: “WHO YOU CALLIN A LITTLE BITCH YOU FLAKEY FU-”
Y/n🥵: *evil/scary ass voice* “Bakugou if you don’t shut the fuck up right now i’ll let his flakey ass disintegrate you. You’re beING TOO FUCKING LOUD 😃🔪”
B💥: “uh... where’d you get that knife from :D”
K💪🏼: “Hey guys, sorry to ruin your moment but shouldn’t we be concerned that we got kidnapped.”
M💅🏽: “I agree... We literally got kidnapped by the people who want to kill us.”
S🕷: “Oh shit, that’s who they are? No wonder they looked so familiar.”
All: 👁👄👁
ST🧴: “Ya’ll are dumber than I expected... anyway we want you guys to join us. You all have powerful quirks, especially you Baku-”
B💥: “YAWWNNNN. No thank you. I already said no.”
ST🧴: “Did you just s a y the word yawn 🙃 *scratching neck* You’re pissing me off. I’ll just kill you then.”
S🕷: “Hold on mr.saltine, before you kill bakubro can we smoke our last joint? This weed was expensive and I AM NOT letting it go to waste. Plus I have even more and it needs to be gone before I die.” 
M💅🏽: “Sero please tell me you didn’t bring your stoner pack.”
S🕷: *pulls out his so called “Seros Super Stoner Pack”*
Shiggy’s starting to regret his life choices.
All of a sudden Dabi pops out of no where
DB🔥: “Is that weed? I smell weed. Where is it.”
 Sero had the most amazing idea, but not for them to escape no, he has had the most amazing idea to make sure he finishes his weed.
S🕷: “...Wanna smoke with us 👀 I already rolled a joint and I can roll at least 4 more. Don’t wanna let it all go to waste 😃”
DB🔥: “Let them out of the cuffs. I need to smoke.”
At this point Shigaraki is over everything and decides to smoke to distract himself from the stupidity.
So, ya know, Sero does his thing and hands yall the other papers to roll up
*30 minutes and 5 joints later...*
DB🔥: “NO BUT LIKE ENDEAVOR IS A FUCKING B I T C H. HE CAN KISS MY BURNT ASS.”
 This smoke session somehow turned into a therapy session. 
DB🔥: “I KNOW HE’S MY DAD BUT HOLY SHIT. FUCKER PUSHED ME INTO FAKING MY OWN FUCKING DEATH AND NOW HERE I AM. IM BURNT, MUSTY, AND STUCK WITH THIS CRUSTY ASS BITCH.”
Y/n🥵: *patting his back* “There there, let it out... uhuh just like that”
DB🔥: “I CAN’T EVEN FUCKING CRY. MY TEAR DUCTS ARE BURNT AND I FEEL DUMB AS FUCK CRYING WITH NO TEARS. I LOOK FUCKING CONSTIPATED.”
ST🧴: “Bitch please, you look constipated all the time.”
DB🔥: “Square the fuck up. 😃 Right now.”
D⚡️: “So... we just gon ignore the fact that he’s Endeavors “dead” son?”
Eventually Dabi lets everything off of his chest and goes off pouting in your arms
To lighten up the mood Sero connects his phone to his speaker and picks whatever song came up first 
It was WAP by Cardi B and Megan Thee Stallion.
Denki was the first one to get up and starts to rap the first verse. He knew it word for word.
Sero joined in after but also started dancing
Mans was MOVING them hips. Them shits were swaying like it was nobody’s business 💅🏽
WAIT SO HEAR ME OUT,  I feel like Bakugou would be a completely different person when he’s high
Yeah he’s still angry and shit but he’d be sooooo fucking funny
 This bitch would get up all of a sudden and be like 
B💥: “YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG FUCKER. THIS IS HOW YOU FUCKING MOVE”
Then he starts aggressively twerking anyway he can 😭
He’s twerking on the wall, on the floor, ON PEOPLE  
You all eventually form a circle around him and start hyping him up
LMAOO ITS LIKE THAT DANCE CIRCLE AT SCHOOL DANCES AND EVERYONE HAS THEIR PHONE OUT
Y/n🥵: “BEST FRIEND SHOW EM YOUR MOVES”
K:💪🏼: “GO, OUUU YUH GET IT I GUESS 💅🏽... OKAY IM NEXT BEST FRIEND. GET THE CAMERA 🤩”
KIRI FUCKING PUSHES HIM OUT 
K💪🏼: “dougie 🤪 hype me up 😤🥵”
He does it REALLY bad, but that’s not gonna stop the hype 
ST🧴: “AHAHAHA WHY HE MOVIN LIKE THAT. MANS STIFF AS FUCK”
M💅🏽: “Like you can do any better than that 😗”
ST🧴: “Baby please, watch this”
Shiggy starts voguing... and he’s really fucking good. 
All: “💀”
DB🔥: “HOLY SHIT THIS IS FUCKING GOLD . YO GUYS GET THE FUCK OUT YOUR ROOMS. Hehe he’s gonna regret doing this. ”
The rest of the LoV members come out and are shocked 
They don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or be disgusted 
TG🔪: “Dabi... is he okay, wait a minute... wHEN DID THEY GET HERE”
SP🐊: “...I’m going back to my room.”
TW👺: “OUU YUH SHIGGY. GET IT BITCH- this is so fucking disgusting.”
Mr.Compress and Kurogiri don’t even bother to see whats happening
Once the most iconic part of the song pops up YOU AND MINA GO OFF.
M💅🏽: “OUT OF THE WAY BITCHES. ITS THE BADDIES TURN.”
Holy fuck can y/n and Mina marry me already. p l e a s e.
Yall hitting every beat, every move, THE ATTITUDE. Yes. A+. 1000/10
Everyone was screaming their asses off and jumping around
After WAP, Dear Maria, Count Me In by All Time Low played
DB🔥: “OHHH SHIT ITS MY TIME WHORES”
Dabi pulls out a guitar and amp out of thin air and plays his fucking heart out.
Bakugou finds drums and plays like theres no tomorrow
Sero finds a bass and joins in 
Y/n🥵: “What the fuck 😃 why is this so good 😃”
The rest of you starts head banging and singing along
K💪🏼: “TAKE A BREATH DONT IT SOUND SO EASY, NEVER HAD A DOUBT NOW IM GOING CRAZY WATCHING FROM THE FLOOR”
M💅🏽: “waYMENT- I THOUGHT HE COULDN’T SING. WHERE DID THAT COME FROM 😳”
Denki adds harmony to the next part
K💪🏼D⚡️: “TAKE A BREATH AND LET THE REST COME EASY, NEVER SETTLE DOWN CAUSE THE CASH FLOW LEAVES ME. ALWAYS, WANTING MORE”
Y/n🥵: “DENKI YOU TOO??? I’m going to pass away. This is too muCH. I’M GOING TO SIMP PLEASE.”
Oop, the best part’s coming up... who’s singing next?👀
DB🔥: “IT WAS NEVER A PHASE MOM. ITS A LIFE STYLE- CAUSE I GOT YOUR PICTURE IM COMING WITH YOU DEAR MARIA COUNT ME IN THERES A STORY AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS BOTTLE AND IM THE PEN.”
That shit was chefs fucking kiss. Dabi has the perfect voice for this song.
At this point you, Mina, and Shiggy were on the floor with tears streaming down your faces.
When yall thought it couldn’t get any better, Bakugou and Sero start harmonizing for the last part 💅🏽
B💥S🕷: MAKE IT COUNt WHEN IM THE ONE WHOS SELLING YOU OUT CAUSE IT FEELS LIKE STEALING HEARTS CALLING YOUR NAME FROM THE CROWD”
Dead. You flat lined. Your limit has been passed and now you’re a hard core simp. 
Mina was so glad she started recording because there definitely won’t be another opportunity.  
Y/n🥵: “Guys... WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. HOW CAN YOU PULL INSTRUMENTS OUT OF YOUR ASSES AND PLAY PERFECTLY. KIRI WHERE THE HELL DID THE VOICE COME FROM.”
The boys were sweating and out of breath. They just did a whole performance in the hide out with zero practice.
They stared at each other at the end for a little bit and excitedly hyped themselves up. 
Dabi spoke about starting a band forgetting about his occupation and why the bakusquad was there in the first place
Honestly this moment was precious. The villains and aspiring hero’s were getting along because of the weed in their system. This just proves how weed can solve all your problems 💅🏽
*knock knock* “Doordash delivery”
ST🧴: “Oh, when did you guys order food?”
S🕷: “We didn’t order food...”
ST🧴: “... FUCKING SHIT NOT AGA-”
The pro hero’s busted in 🤩
DB🔥: “KUROGIRIIII. GET US THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.”
And just like the the LoV escaped
M💅🏽: “Ya kno what, I honestly forgot where we were.”
B💥: “Same.”
K💪🏼: “We were having too much fun...”
D⚡️: “Ughhh why’d they come so early 😫 we were boutta start a band 🥺”
S🕷: “Wait... why were we here again??”
Y/n🥵: “Sero...baby, maybe you should lay off the weed for a bit 💀”
Aizawa walked in and shot his scarf out to all of you. He made sure to make them uncomfortably tight and pulled you guys right to him.
A🐱: 👺👹*gremlin noises*👺👹
Lol you guys are fucked. 
HELLOOOOO I hope you guys enjoyed this story of what went on when the squad got kidnapped!! Honestly my account is gonna have ALOT of bakusquad scenarios since I literally love all of them so much. Not a day goes by where I’m not thinking about hanging out with them 😭 Credits to jazzmonster for the gif 😌 once I saw it I knew I had to use it. Anywayy thank you all so much for the support :’-) I didn’t think people would actually like the stuff I write since its all over the place 😫 Hope you have a good rest of your day/night 🖤
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thatasianstereotype · 4 years
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Damn, You’re Looking Fine.
To my utter delight, my crack writing Fuck. I’m Gay. got a good reception. I was not expecting to write more for this AU/pairing. But why not? I got some ideas and a computer to write them down on.
So this fic is the took-a-while-to-put-together sequel. It’s focused on the downfall of one certain Liar-la, Damian wooing Adrien with all the flair and romantics as his Chaton deserves, and Adrien being a blushing hot gay mess. 
P.S. Damian’s formal way of talking is an utter pain to write but hilarious to read.
P.S.S. Creative liberties were taken. Again. I just feel this needs to be mentioned. 
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So Status Update:
Adrien and Damian are definitely dating (It is totally official. Told you ya boi got game).
Adrien still calls him Hot-And-Sexy from time to time much to his utter mortification (He can’t make himself stop. Please send help). And Dami gets amused by it every single time, that arrogant smug jerk.
Marinette still puts the fear of god in Damian and he is wary of her. She feels very proud about that. Adrien wants to facepalm.
Fuck Gabriel Agreste.  
And Lila Rossi is still a bitch.  
Adrien and Marinette were made aware about Damian’s alter ego —well mostly because he is utterly terrified of Marinette’s seemingly sweet (icy) smile she gave him when she politely asked how he obtained the Butterfly and Peacock Miraculous and partly because of Adrien’s pouting kitten eyes. 
They truly were a pair to reckon with. 
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“I am not sure why the Justice League dismissed your concerns and pleas for assistance. So I am taking the initiative. My name is Damian Wayne, the son of Batman and the current Robin and leader of the Teen Titans.”
He’s a superhero too?! And it’s Robin!!! One of his favorites!! Can you hear him internally squealing in excitement?
Adrien bit his lip to keep from fanboying right then and there. But a slight pink hue spread across his face. 
“You’re not lying.” Mari has gotten pretty good at deciphering through people’s bullshit. Whether it’s because she is now a Guardian or because Lila’s bitchiness made her a human lie-detector remains unknown.
Damian took it in stride. “I am not.”
“Paris is still our city.”
“I am only offering my assistance.” He won’t barge in on their superhero duties to the city. He has more class than that.
Mari didn’t have to look at Adrien to know his decision.
She smiled, a bright genuine smile. “Then we’re allies.” Before her eyes gained a spark of mischief and her smile turned teasing. “Hot-And-Sexy.” 
“Marinette!” Adrien immediately covered his blushing bright red face with both hands, utterly mortified. 
His sister was evil. E. V. I. L. And why is Damian smirking and looking so smug? Fuck! He even makes that look completely hot. Curse his Adonis genes. And curse his teenage hormones. 
He regrets introducing the two of them together. What a pair they make. Truly a couple of fur-midable terrors here. 
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Back to the matter at hand, Marinette is able to ensure that Hawk Moth and Mayura will never be out again and another akuma won’t be made. She already made sure that the miraculous were better protected. 
Damian has enough evidence to put them behind bars for their crimes but Marinette wanted to go through it and make sure that Adrien won’t suffer the repercussions of having a villain for a dad so they held onto it until they figure out how best to protect their sunshine. 
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Ah Shit. 
“Duusu? Where are you?” 
Did Gabriel lose the miraculous again? 
But when he looked into the last place he left it, he groaned. Fuck. His brooch was a fake again.
He knew he shouldn’t have made a miraculous fashion line and had replicas of the miraculous jewelries made. It was his most popular items to date. He has gotten lot of praises for getting the details just right and capturing the essence of each miraculous holder. No surprise there. He deals with them on a daily basis. He should get the details fucking right. 
It’s a wonder he only came up with a line because there was talk that he was becoming obsolete with no new ideas coming forth and if there is one thing that Gabriel Agreste isn’t, it is being obsolete. 
The line was just a joke, a parody of the heroes and villains if you will, but apparently people like it. Ladybug and Chat Noir were the most popular obviously (he should’ve seen that coming to be honest). Hardly anyone buys Hawk Moth or Mayura and he is left with boxes of fake brooches. 
It is annoying.
Especially since he keeps fucking misplacing his miraculous. 
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Adrien felt like he could be a Disney princess and just skip his way to school and sing for the world to hear. 
Now that the Butterfly miraculous were safely with Marinette, he doesn’t have to worry about another akuma. He could just die happy right now. His dad doesn’t have a hold over him anymore. He doesn’t have to put up with Liar-la anymore. But if they put up a fuss? Well, worst case scenario is he becomes a Dupain-Cheng. 
And he doesn’t mind. He’s already an honorary one. 
And if that somehow doesn’t work out (which he highly doubts), Damian offered to make him a Wayne. 
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Françoise Dupont High School experienced a shock that morning. Specifically Ms. Bustier’s class. 
When they saw Adrien and Marinette walking in class with arms intertwined, laughing and smiling together. 
What the actual fuck?
Did they cross into an alternate universe? Marinette is a nasty bully and Adrien’s a pure sunshine child. Why would they be acting like they were the best of friends? 
Lila glowered darkly when she saw them walking towards the back and sitting at the same table. Didn’t Adrien care about what his father thinks? Doesn’t he want to still be able to go to school? 
She bit her lip and turned on the waterworks, her eyes close to bursting into tears. She made herself be the very picture of a pitiful woe-is-me victim as she cried out in a hurtful and betrayed tone. “Adrien, what are you doing with her? I thought we were close friends.” 
The sheep class instantly catered to Lila, pointing their fingers at the pair. 
Alya, her biggest supporter, led the charge as always. “Adrien! What do you have to say for yourself? How could you cheat on Lila like this? And with her?” 
Adrien narrowed his eyes at his former friend. Bitch, how dare she implies he was in an actual relationship and had feelings for that harlot. 
Wow. 
He has been spending way too much time around Damian. 
"Yeah, bro!” Kim said, raising his voice. “How could you do her dirty?” 
“Okay guys.” Adrien cut in. “I don’t know where you heard that but me and Lila are not dating. Like at all.” 
“Please.”Alya waved him off like he didn’t know what he was talking about (he was highly offended at the notion he didn’t know what his heart yearns for). “We all know you have feelings for Lila. You’re just in denial over them.”
Bitch, what?
Is no one catching onto his chaotic gay vibes here?  
And oh, how his fragile little heart was betrayed yet again when he saw Nino supporting his girlfriend. He still couldn’t believe the first friend he made all by himself was a part of their rabid pack. He deeply mourned the loss of such a great friend in the midst of that deceiving fox’s claws. 
“How many times do I need to say it?” At this point, Adrien was about to throw hands. “I don’t like Lila like that. I feel nothing but pure spite for her. Also, me and Marinette are not dating if anyone’s wondering. We’re just really good friends.”
“But Marinette’s a big bully.” Alix piped up, a hard edge in her voice. “She treats Lila horribly.”
“Marinette didn’t do anything to her. Rossi is lying.” 
“Oh Adrien.” It was Mylene of all people who spoke up. “Did Marinette get to you with her lies?” 
He was done. 
Completely and utterly done. 
He looked over at Marinette who shared his exasperation at the class’ antics. 
Adrien already said it before. But it bears repeating.
Lila Rossi is a bitch.
Luckily (or maybe unluckily), that was the moment Ms. Bustier chose to step in the room and class started. 
When the teacher’s back was turned, Adrien pulled out his phone and proceeded to spend the rest of the time alternating between taking notes and texting with Damian. 
They were currently at the stage of their relationship to be sending animal pics and memes back and forth, with a few puns added from time to time. 
He really does have the perfect boyfriend. 
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They cornered him after school. 
One: Rude. 
And two: Double rude. 
He was excited to meet Hot-And-Sexy (daMn iT! It’s Damian! Get it right brain) at the bakery and spending time with his two most favorite people in the world (Tom and Sabine don’t count because actual parents don’t have a ranking). 
His former friends were looking all concerned and everything because they somehow collectively came up with the idea that Marinette actually brainwashed him to believe Lila was evil. 
The fucking irony. 
They actually had the audacity to say that Marinette —sweet and honestly badass Marinette— was no good and just wanted to use Adrien to get ahead in the fashion industry (as if Mari actually needed him for that). He shouldn’t be around her. Lila was a much better person to keep as company. 
Adrien laughed in their faces and left. 
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Onto happier events, Adrien was having a blast hanging out with Mari and Dami. His boyfriend (he still can’t believe he managed to score such a hottie!) fit right in the everything-that-matters siblings’ dynamics. 
They were in Mari’s room. Adrien was cuddling with Damian on her bed. And Mari was at her desk working on fashion designs. 
“So what’s your family like?” He played with Dami’s hair. It was so soft. Like what the fuck. It is so unfair. 
Damian thought about it for a few seconds. “My family is a bit...crazy. We drive each other insane every other day but at the end of the day, I have no doubt they have my back as I have theirs.” 
“You guys sound close.” 
“We were not always. We had an extensive amount of issues to work through before we actually bonded as a true family.” 
It was quiet for a minute until Damian casually said. “I would appreciate it a great deal if you can make time to visit Gotham for the summer.” 
Adrien stopped playing with his hair to look at him with wide incredulous eyes. “Summer’s only two months away.” 
“I am aware.” 
“You really want me to meet them? Isn’t it too early?” 
“I met yours the day we started dating.” 
True but....
Adrien averted his eyes. “Do you think your family will like me? You guys fight criminals and my dad’s a villain.” 
Damian put his hands over Adrien’s and gave them a light squeeze, making his Chaton look back at him. 
“My mother is a villain and I was raised as an assassin. Yet despite of that, my father accepted me. And I am fairly confident he will do the same to you. Mon amour, you have a pure and selfless heart. You are a better person than I am. I have no doubt that my family will love you from the start. 
“Are you being fur real right meow?” Adrien tried to lighten the atmosphere but he could feel his eyes tearing up. 
"I wouldn’t lie to mew.” 
He let out a small laugh, wiping his eyes. How did he ever get so lucky to land such an amazing guy? “You always know the purr-fect thing to say.” 
“We get it you’re in love. It’s amazing. Now stop it with the puns.” Mari rolled her eyes, utterly exasperated at these idiots who just ignored her and pulled out even more cat puns. “You have got to be kitten me.” 
Before she noticed what she said and groaned in faux despair. “Oh you two are so dead.”
Adrien stuck out his tongue playfully. “You can’t catch me. I got a handsome knight in shining armor to protect me.” 
Damian interlaced their fingers. “Always, mon amour. I’ll protect you from everything like your wicked father.”
“Does that make me the dragon here?” Mari joined in. “Cool. I can breathe fire and torch people. Too bad I can’t do that to a certain liar.” 
“Liar-la is totally the witch here.” Adrien said before thinking for a few seconds. “Does this make me the princess?” 
“Well, knights always have to save the damsel in distress.” Mari said. 
He frowned before crossing his arms indignantly. “Dami, I love you more than Plagg loves his stinky cheese, but I’m no damsel in distress.” 
Damian rolled his eyes. “Tt. Of course not. You can destroy things with a single touch. It would be not be in my best interests to downplay your abilities.”
Adrien relaxed and beamed a sunny smile. “Good. Remember that.” 
“Mon amour, I look for an equal as a partner, not some weak spoiled harlot that can not defend their self.” Damian placed a flower crown (that was just sitting on Marinette’s nightstand, must be one of her projects) on Adrien’s head. “Having said that I do believe you are a prince that deserves all the love and care in the world.” 
And oh my. 
Adrien can feel his face burning scarlet and his heart almost bursting at how sweet this incredible, conceited Adonis was. 
He was falling in love with Damian over and over again each time they meet up. 
“You deserve love too, Dami.” 
And sweet, caring Hot-And-Sexy (Ah, fuck it. He will never grow out of that) placed a soft kiss on his cheek. 
Oh dear, he didn’t know his face can burned any redder. 
He could almost hear Mari cooing in the background. 
And in case anyone was wondering, Tom and Sabine adores their everything-that-actually-matters son’s boyfriend. Damian Wayne seems like a responsible young lad. And he makes Adrien really happy which is a major plus. Anything that makes their son happy is good in their books. 
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Lila was not at all pleased. 
Why was Adrien suddenly hanging out with Marinette? Yeah, he doesn’t buy into her lies but she was confident he will be lured into her charms. Why wouldn’t he be? She was young and way more beautiful than a baker’s daughter. He was supposed to be hers. 
She and Gabriel are going to have a talk about his rebellious son. 
Except when she arrived at the Agreste mansion, Gabriel was apparently too busy to see her. 
He was too occupied with searching through boxes of fake miraculous to find Duusu to bother with her. 
“I don’t have time for you.” 
“Excuse me?!” 
She was aghast. How dare he speak this way to his biggest supporter —well, besides Mayura and Nathalie. 
“You’re excused. Now leave the premises.”
Before the door shut in her face and she was left fuming, her face an unflattering angry red. 
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Being Damian’s boyfriend, Adrien has come to learn that Damian does nothing by halves. Including asking him out on a date. And the actual dates themselves. 
Today as the sun fell down and night came about, Damian and Adrien were taking a stroll in the park. It was relaxing and it was nice. They talked about everything and anything. 
Adrien did not think Damian planned anything more. 
But he really shouldn’t underestimate the son of Batman. 
Because when the last of the sun’s rays were gone, Damian led him to a gazebo strung up with beautiful lights giving the whole place an ethereal feel. And with the bright moon out tonight, it looked like fairies dancing in the garden. 
He didn’t notice Damian pressed play on his phone and classical music filled the air. 
He definitely noticed Damian bowing with a flourished and holding out his hand with a charming smile. “May I have this dance, Chaton?”
Adrien would have to be a huge fool to say no. 
“I’ll loved to.” He placed his hand in Damian’s and let the Adonis lead him in a simple waltz. 
This was his life. 
His life was one big sappy romance novel. And you know what, he doesn’t care if it is. Between dealing with his shitty father and Liar-la, this kitty deserves some happiness. 
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It was a scene from one of those Disney fairy tale movies Adrien used to watch as kid. The magic. The love. The romantics. He felt like Cinderella and wished this night will never end, that the clock will never strike midnight. He just wanted to stay in his Prince Charming’s arms forever. 
Under the starry night sky, the lovebirds danced to their heart’s content and when another song ended, Damian tilted his head down to place a tender kiss on Adrien’s lips. 
“I harbor a great deal of non-platonic affections for you, mon amour.”
“I love you too, Hot-And-Sexy.” 
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What the fuck?!
Seriously. 
What the actual fuck? 
Lila was simply walking home after her disastrous meeting with Gabriel (She was still not over how he simply dismissed her like she was nothing. How dare he). 
When she saw them. 
Adrien and some guy (she’s pretty sure that was a guy) dancing in the park. She can feel that disgusting jealousy just burning in her veins, a cold anger thrumming underneath. 
Things were not at all going her way. 
First, Adrien is back to being friends with that Mari-whore. Then, Gabriel ignores her. Her. And now, she is seeing her Adrien in the arms of someone else. 
Oh this will just not do. 
She took out her phone from her pocket and snapped a couple of pictures, making sure Adrien can clearly be seen. She didn’t care too much about the other guy. He’s probably just another pretty airhead Adrien knew through his father. He’s not important. 
A cruel smirk appeared on her face at the thought of the perfect revenge. Adrien was going to have a rough time at school tomorrow. After all, he should’ve known better than to make a move against her. 
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“Seriously?!”
“Wow.” 
“I’m sure there’s an explanation for this.”
“Yeah. Adrien is obviously gay. That’s the only explanation.” 
“....Maybe not? There could be another reason.”
Lila had watery eyes and a sad frown on her face but inside, she was fucking smiling like a Cheshire cat. She made sure to be at school early so she can show the class the picture of Adrien’s little date last night. Who —predictably— were shocked at their sunshine child being with a guy and made plans to confront him about his supposed sexuality. 
She glowed at the thought of her plan working. This will teach Adrien to know his place or become a social pariah like his little friend Marinette. 
“I thought Adrien had feelings for me.” Lila wiped the “tears” from her eyes. “How could he lead me on like this when he’s been gay all along?” 
Alya —predictably— comforted her. “I’m pretty sure he’s just confused. He doesn’t know what he’s feeling.”
“I’m sure that’s it.” 
The pair didn’t notice Juleka and Rose glaring at them. 
.
Damian was not at all pleased. 
He was rightfully angry. 
How dare that poor sense of fashion taste trollop tried to shame his mon amour for being gay. How dare she try to say he was simply confused and didn’t know any better. How dare she defame his reputation because he holds nothing but spite for her person. 
How dare she. 
As Adrien’s boyfriend and future husband, it is his duty to correct this travesty and defend his Chaton’s honor. 
.
When the Damian Wayne, youngest son of Bruce Wayne, appeared at Françoise Dupont High School, you know that people are gonna stare and talk. 
When he headed towards the courtyard where Adrien and Marinette were sitting at, boy are things going to get juicy. 
Lila and her followers who were sitting a bit father from the outcast pair were utterly confused. They could possibly get Adrien knowing such a super hot celebrity but for him to be on good terms with Marinette too? How inconceivable. Absolutely flabbergasted. 
“Hey Lila didn’t you tell us you knew him and his family?” Max brought up. 
“Uhhh....” Lila knew she dug herself in a corner here. She never thought that the Damian Wayne would ever visit here. At this second rate school. 
“Well, let’s go, girl!” Alya exclaimed. “I’m sure Damian just hasn’t seen you. That’s why he didn’t walk towards you.”
Before proceeding to practically drag Lila to where Damian was talking with Adrien and Marinette. 
Lila, on the other hand, was cursing out Alya in a bunch of different languages in her mind while trying to come up with something to dig herself out of this mess. If they talk to Wayne, the class will realize she was lying all along. 
She was not going to lose control of her kingdom like this —well, not without putting up a fight. 
But when they and the rest of their classmates walked close to the trio, they were shocked when they saw Marinette playfully punching Damian in the arm. 
“Okay. How the hell are you so close with Damian Wayne?” Straight off the bat, Alya was on the offense as she glared at Marinette as if it was Mari who did something wrong. 
Damian answered before the bluenette could. His face was impassive and his glare cold. “I’m Ms. Dupain-Cheng’s top model for her fashion business.”
What? 
Even Lila was taken aback at the news. She knew that goody two shoes likes designing but she didn’t think anybody would actual buy her stuff. She didn’t think a Wayne would like her stuff. 
She could feel her fists clenched. How dare Marinette steal the spotlight again. 
“I’m also Adrien’s boyfriend.” Damian continued casually as if that wasn’t a huge bombshell. 
Everyone’s minds screeched to a halt. 
They knew about the possibility of Adrien being gay since Lila showed him on going on a date with an unidentified but clearly male person yesterday. But they didn’t think there was actually something there. 
Lila could feel her anger clouding her mind. Adrien was supposed to be hers. He was her ticket to fame and fortune. 
“And what about Lila? Aren’t you guys best friends?” Alya put her hands on her hips. How could Damian just ignore someone he is close friends with but give Marinette all the attention? Lila deserves better than that.  
Damian was unamused. “I don’t know her.”
“Yeah, you do.” Alya ignored Lila’s gestures to stop talking. Lila was too shy about her achievements and she was going to have her amazing best friend’s back. “She’s the one who helped your family out multiple times.”
“She did not. And I am appalled that you believe I would know a harlot like her in the first place.” Damian’s face twisted with disgust as he glanced at Liar-la like she was a mere insect. “Please. I have class and dignity.”
“Take that back!” She screeched. “You are so rude.” 
“Are you honestly going to lecture me on my rudeness when you plebians are being hypocrites?”
“What? I’m not a hyprocrite.” 
“Lila Rossi is a pathetic liar who begs for attention like street dogs beg for scraps. She never once saved Jagged’s cat nor does she help out with green charities. Lastly, she is not on close terms with myself nor with my family.”
“No! You’re lying!”
He raised an unimpressed eyebrow. “Ok then. Look her up on the internet. If she is as grand as you lot seem to think, she should have articles dedicated to her. Show me proof of her actions that isn’t your subpar blog and I will give you an exclusive.” 
Alya’s eyes gleamed at what should be an easy challenge. But when she pulled out her phone and typed Lila’s name and what she did in the search engine, her smile disappeared. 
She spent the next few minutes scouring the net for anything, any mention of a Lila Rossi that wasn’t on the LadyBlog. 
She found nothing. 
Lila Rossi was a fucking liar all along. And Alya and the rest of the class believed her. 
“We tried to warn you.” Marinette said in a soft voice. But anyone who knew her knew she was trying to hold back her laughter. 
“Marinette,” Rose cried out as she realized the class has been total jerks to the one person who always had their backs. “We were horribly wrong. Can you ever forgive us?”
She shrugged. “I forgive you. But this doesn’t mean we’re friends again. Because we’re not. Seeing how easily you drop me for that liar without even looking for any kind of proof hurts and I’m not eager to be friends again. Maybe in the future but not right now.”
“That’s goes ditto for me.” Adrien added his two cents. 
Their former friends classmates wore gloomy expressions, utterly devastated at ruining their friendship with their Everyday Ladybug and Sunshine Child. 
And with that, Adrien and Marinette left the courtyard, with light hearts and heads held high. 
Damian shot the class a razor sharp grin. “Well, it’s been nice to meet you.” 
Everyone knew he meant anything but. 
“I always knew teenagers were prone to be foolish imbeciles. But seeing the collective stupidity of you people today made me realize that the bar can in fact be lowered.” 
.
Adrien was fucking ecstatic. 
Elated. Overjoyed. Jubilant. Drunk on happiness. All the synonyms associated. 
Because Lila was finally exposed. The class realized what utter assholes they have been. His father will receive his due (soon according to Mari and Dami). 
He was happily humming a tune as he swung his and Damian’s intertwined hands back and forth. 
He was entirely grateful that Damian showed up to school today. Although he was a bit mean for Adrien’s taste. 
But oh man. Payback was so sweet. 
He smiled giddily. 
Mister Hot-And-Sexy definitely earned himself a kiss. 
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iamdorka · 4 years
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„Could I please request a 'Dating ______ would include:' bullet point headcanon for Colson, Dom and Pete respectively? I love your writing; thank you 🖤”
So here I thought about 5 random scenarios (while dating of course) and how each of them would react/behave in that case, so basically I put my own spin on this request. Hope you will like it. But I have to add that your request made me think about this type of writing, so maybe in the future I will bring you some extra writing too.
- taking couple selfies
Colson: Colson would be the type who says that he hates taking photos, but actually he loves it, especially the couple selfies, because he adores you and when you are taking a selfie of both of you and the picture turns out great, your smile is the cutest thing on Earth, he says. Of course usually it doesn’t turn out great for the first couple of times and after the 500th attempt he gets bored and starts to make fun of you, but you are always quite determined so you keep going and when there is a great photo he actually gets more in love with you, every fucking time.
Dom: Dom would love taking pictures with you. Yeah, you are an addict but he is your partner in crime in that too. Like his mind is just as crazy as yours and if something involves the two of you, that’s 100% sure that there will be photo evidence of that, probably posing like the most idiot, badass couple in the town. Your camera roll may have a few(!!!) selfies of yourself, but maybe there are even more couple selfies.
Pete: Okay… but Pete would be the absolute worst in this scenario. Like when you would take out your phone, he would be actually scared because he hates seeing himself on photos and first you didn’t really understand this and for you it was hard to accept it, as you are a photo addict, but after some time you got it. So when he was willing to join in your craziness, it was something special, you knew that and you really appreciated that. One of the cutest thing was when he returned to Instagram, after a quite long period, the first pic he posted was one of your couple selfies.
- taking care of him when he is sick
Colson: He is the worst sick person ever, like you know that if boys are sick they tend to overdramatize it but oh boy… what he usually does in the case is next level. Your friends get to used to the hangover Colson (which is also some extreme shit) but the sick Colson is even worst. Yeah… that could happen. You thank God that his immune system is quite strong, even after all those shit that he has consumed, but when he somehow gets sick you try your best the cure him because you have your limits too and sick Colson can get you closer to them very easily.
Dom: Doesn’t matter how old he is, he usually acts like a child, like in the sweetest way, especially when he is around you. So it isn’t a surprise after all that when he is sick… he turns into a child even more. He doesn’t really understand that you have to keep your distance even if you are the one taking care of him, because his neediness becomes quite strong and he is able to throw tantrums if he doesn’t get you near him. About getting the medicines in him… you wouldn’t even want to start talking, because that’s always an interesting challenge.
Pete: Pete is a quite sick, like is he has some aching parts he doesn’t even tell you about it, you usually figure it out on your own because you see something slightly has changed in his usual behavior. Of course you immediately begin to act like his nurse because you don’t like knowing that he is suffering and he does exactly everything what you ask him to do. He is the best patient ever, if you can say so, also he likes this special attention but he would never admit this to you.
- celebrating your birthday with him for the first time
Colson: Getting together with him was a quite a wild ride, and being with him pushed you out of your comfort zone in so many scenarios, so when your birthday finally arrived you weren’t even surprised that the little party which he threw you turned into the biggest house party he threw in a while and this is a big thing, because when they throw a party it’s big… but this was 10 times bigger. And everybody got the chance to get to know you, like he is the king of the gang… and that day you became his forever queen. Everybody knew, even before, that they can’s mess with you, but after this it was obvious that you are his ride and die. His girl.
Dom: The thing is he was probably even more excited about your birthday than you were, which is a pretty big thing because damn you love your birthday, it’s your own national holiday and it was quite weird for you to share this excitement with somebody else but the enthusiasm of his was so adorable. He planned a whole music festival themed birthday party for you in his garden because he knew how much you live for those events. He even spoke to some of your favorite artists and with them he made a special birthday video just for you which when appeared on the big screen made you cry like never before. He just couldn’t understand how lucky a girl you are with him by your side.
Pete: Pete likes to stay in, smoke and just eating junk food and usually you are his partner in that, but for your birthday you just wanted to do something that you don’t usually do and that’s when Pete told you that he has everything in control, you just have to follow his instructions. That’s how he took you out for a fancy sushi restaurant which was actually the best thing because damn you ate everything up there and he was so happy that he could make you this happy. And the fact that he decided to took you out, and he enjoyed it too, he who prefers to stay in 24/7 was your biggest birthday present ever, like you knew this, between you two was something really special.
- getting up to catch an early flight to the other side of the country
Colson: Even after being with him for months you still couldn’t understand how he can function with that little sleep hours he got, so when he knew that he has to be up really early he decided not even go to bed, which for him was normal, but you just didn’t want to do as him and tried to convince him to go to bed with you, sleep a bit because sleeping on a plane is never the best option but he was quite stubborn…. but you had your ways and after some time you won. That’s why after like 3 hours sleeping waking up was the cruelest thing to do but you suffered together… as always. Of course you would never admitted that those 3 hour sleep just worsened the situation and without it everything would have been better but that’s just your stubbornness which he loved.
Dom: If he sleeps 6 hours, he has way more energy than necessary, if he sleeps 8 hours or more… he has even more energy, this guy is like he is always on some kind of drug without taking it actually, so when you had to be up at 4am he somehow woke up before you and when your alarm went off you woke up for a big cup of coffee and a cute breakfast. You couldn’t even open your eyes properly but he was almost out of your apartment already.
Pete: Coming off from some mushrooms when you had to leave for the airport wasn’t your best timing ever to be honest. But at least you didn’t suffer as much as you would have otherwise. Pete has some unique ideas to soften the situations and getting high almost everytime was involved in those solutions but this time you couldn’t really decide if you regretted it or not. When time is literally an illusion for you getting somewhere in time was a quite big challenge so when you woke up on the plane, on the right plane, on your chest of your boyfriend you were quite proud of yourself.
- him cheering you up when you had a fucked up day
Colson: He knew that when you are pissed off, tired there are two options: he needs to keep his distance and give you some time to cool off first alone or be by your side and doesn’t leave your side, not for a minute. These options usually ended up in some angry making out sessions, with heavy touching, not saying a word but there were times when he just mixed everything together… he knew you well. He knew exactly when he shouldn’t even open his mouth because he just could worsen the situation… that’s when usually he turned to music. Without even saying a word, just mumbleing to his live piano playing, letting to fill the house with his ryhtm you tried to reach you… and it worked even when it didn’t.
Dom: When you needed a good laugh… you could count on your boyfriend because sure he is some funny guy, so when you hava a long day and all you wanna do is just… not to exist you are really grateful that you go home to a place where he is there. Some light hearted comedy or stand up, letting him order some food and watching him impersonating the comedians was the highlight of those days. He knows that he is funny and to be able to make your messed up day just a little bit better he would be willing to do anything, literally and figuratevly…. because when his other half is in pain, he is in too.
Pete: Staying at home, like an old couple was your go to date option, like always. But when you arrive home saying that you will never ever not even consider leaving the house because you hate everything and everybody and you stay with that idea for quite sometime he starts to worry. And when you just can’t do anything right because you break everything, everything slips out of your hand he just carefully goes to you, hugs you and takes control over everything, even your body. He leads you to the nearest bar chair in the kitchen, sits you down and makes you a sandwich and cup of your favorite tea… and doesn’t say a word, he waits until you want to talk about it. These little things are the ones what make you love him more and more everyday. Nothing big, nothing special, just simple things.
Tag list (write me if you wanna be on it❤)
@echelonwonderland @no-shxt-sherl @kissedbystrangerswaterbottle @bakerkells @backoftheroomandnotbelonging @mgk-rooklover1997 @just-a-normal-fangirl18 @southernmgkpunk @thegunnerkelly @findingmyths @painkillerash @rosesinmars @rosegoldrichie @pinksocktingz @itjustkindahappenedreally @cclynn88 @bluehairedtracii @rumoured-whispers @estxxbritt
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disgruntledspacedad · 3 years
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in defense of Din’s subdued reaction to losing the kid...
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gif by @quantam-widow
I know we were all thinking it. We got a 2 second reaction shot to the destruction of the Razor Crest (may she forever rest in peace), but then, Grogu gets taken, and... nothing?
What the fuck, Din? we all protest. That’s your baby on that ship! Don’t you care? Scream, curse, kick a rock, cry, make a fist, something!!
I will acknowledge that so far, the show has been excellent with giving us emotional payoff, am I right? I mean, just today we got Din laughing, twice. Twice in a row. I honestly never thought we’d see that. There have been so many excellent, precious soft!Din moments this season, and they all feel deliciously earned.
So, from a meta POV, I guess I’m saying that I have faith in the writers to get it right, and in Pedro to deliver. Duh.
In universe, though, I think it’s fair to point out the obvious - that Din is a pretty reserved guy. He’s much more of a thinker than a feeler. He’s used to keeping things bottled up, and I would even argue that his life often depends on his ability to dissociate from his emotions. Din’s entire journey so far has been about how one little baby yodito shakes his worldview to its very foundations. He’s getting there, but it’s a slow process. 
And also, consider this - we haven’t seen Din alone yet, not since Grogu was taken. For a guy who lives a guarded life literally encased in fucking armor, any display of emotion is going to be carefully protected until he’s in private.
But anyway, Din is detached, rational, a little emotionally constipated, and definitely comfortable in a stressful situation. A true ISTP if you ask me (yeah, I know you didn’t, but whatever). Often, it seems that these cool headed, logical types who have never ruffled a feather over anything in their lives are the least adept at handling genuine fear. In other words, when panic does strike, it strikes them hard. 
And guys, Din was definitely panicking during this episode. 
He’s clearly unsettled from the jump - that outburst of “dank farrik!” in the cockpit sells it, and his distress only becomes more obvious from there. Talking out loud, trying to convince himself that the best thing for Grogu is for him to be trained as a Jedi. Reminding himself of the creed. His overt caution as they approach the seeing stone. His impatience, “Are you seeing anything??”
Then there’s the effects of long term stress. Sure, a bounty hunter in the outer rim doesn’t exactly live an easy life, but Din is definitely used to the drama being on his terms. Compare Din’s body language in the opening scene of season one to when Boba confronts him in chapter fourteen. You can just feel the anxiety, the weariness, the frustration. Din has been on the run for months now, constantly looking over his shoulder, sleeping with one eye open. Notice how he even startles at Fennec’s voice? Season one Din would never have given that much away, regardless of the situation. Long term stress has clearly taken a toll on him.
So we have unsettled, stressed out Din in an emotionally charged situation. He’s exhausted, he’s scared, he’s desperate. This scenario is a recipe for even the most level-headed of adrenaline junkies to loose their cool, and that’s exactly what happens to Din. He panics, and he makes some pretty big fuckups because of it. Leaving Grogu unprotected, twice. Trying three different times to break through that “force field,” even when he knew he couldn’t. Dropping that jetpack and then just forgetting about it (I know we were all screaming about that one, or at least, I was).
So, fear is a positive feedback loop. Those neurotransmitters that do us good in a bad situation - raising heart rate, narrowing focus, shunting blood to the muscles - can also be detrimental if we get too high of a dose - tachypnea and tachycardia, inability to think critically and see the big picture, lack of blood and oxygen to the brain. Epinephrine, in particular, even inhibits the laying down of new memory pathways. In other words, stress leads to poor performance, and poor performance leads to more stress, which leads to... you get the idea.
Then, in the middle of all this chaos, they fucking blast the Razor Crest.
More epinephrine, more cortisol, more stress. 
By the end of it all, Din is a fucking shitstorm of stress hormones and pent up emotions. Notice how he seems to be on autopilot in the immediate aftermath, robotically scanning the ashes of the Crest for anything that might be left intact. Notice how empty his voice is when he says, “the child is gone.” This is a dead man walking. Din has nothing left. His whole life has just gone up in smoke, and he can do nothing about it. 
Guys, Din is holding onto his sanity by a fucking thread in this scene. “The child is gone,” he says, like he’s reminding himself, grounding himself in his shitty reality. He’s stunned. 
And helpless. There’s literally nothing he can do for Grogu. He has no ship, no credits, no resources, nothing to bargain with, nothing to offer. Din literally cannot allow himself the luxury of feelings right now. He’s just got to focus on surviving this very shitty day.
Then, Boba Fett upholds his end of the deal, and suddenly, Din has something to hold onto. An ally, a badass friend, some hope. I don’t think Boba shows Din that chain code in order to verify his claim on the armor - he’s already wearing it, for godssake. I think Boba shows him the code in order to catch Din’s attention - hey friend, I know you’re hurting, but I’m a man of my word. When I make a vow, I keep it. Let’s regroup and go find your kid.
And Din would totally latch onto that. A fighting chance? Din fucking leaps at it. There’s a job to do. A kid to save. All of those stress hormones are going to keep on stewing, because Din has never really come down from his adrenaline high. 
It’s like this in real life, too. There isn’t time to be afraid. There isn’t time to be sad, or second-guess, or say, oh how terrible, or wonder what if it doesn’t work? There’s just you and the job, and if you are the only thing standing between life and death, you will put everything else aside and do what you have to do, for as long as you have to do it.
And that’s where Din is at this moment. He’s running on the fumes of his adrenaline, all tempered focus, all strategy and no bullshit.
Emotional shock, my therapist buddy calls it. Apparently, it’s normal. Expected, even.
But guys, the fallout of this kind of crazy ass adrenaline high is insanely intense. I’m talking collapse to the floor, legs won't hold you, trembling, crying so hard you sling snot, shuddering breaths, stare dead-eyed and spent at the ceiling because you’re just too wiped out to even sleep kind of intense. 
And then, after the breakdown comes the angst. The detailed thinking. The oh god, what if this had happened, or, should I have done that instead? It seems like every emotion that gets put on the back burner in the moment comes back to bite you with twofold intensity when all is said and done. 
In other words, Din is definitely going to feels some things .A lot of very intense things. A reckoning is coming, my dudes. Trust me. It’s just not quite here yet.
That being said, here’s what I can expect from Din going forward:
Just like he’s is slow to acknowledge his growing parental feelings for Grogu, I think Din’s going to be slow at processing his grief at Grogu’s loss. In the next episode, he’s got plenty to distract him - getting together his hit team to take back the kid and coordinating an attack on the empire. 
However, I do think we’ll get a slow moment with Din, probably sometime at the beginning of next week’s episode if the pattern holds. I doubt it’s the full-blown breakdown that we’re all needing, but I’m willing to bet money that we’ll see Din grappling with the fact that his kid is gone. I also think that badass beskar murder machine Din from chapter three will resurface. Stress and desperation make us do irrational things, and anger is one of the stages of grief that Din will inevitably have to work through (I think he’s flickering between denial and bargaining for now).
But then, after Din gets Grogu back? I think that’s we’ll have our big, dearly earned emotional payoff. 
For one thing, Din won’t be able to deny his feelings anymore. He wants to keep this kid, it’s so very obvious. Losing him just forces it all to the forefront. 
And then the relief/joy/regret/guilt that Din is going to feel once he’s got Grogu back? Not to mention the physical exhaustion? All of the fear/terror/angst/grief that he ignored in favor of just going pedal to the metal, guns blazing, get the kid or die trying? That shit’s going to crash into him with all the subtly of a fucking tsunami. I guarantee you, we’re going to get some sort of confession, or adoption vow, or face revel, or other sort of profound softness from Dad!Din in the falling action of this season (At least, I hope we get it at the end this season but I wouldn’t put it past them to kick it into the premier of season three, just for pacing reasons, but then again, I obviously have trust issues).
Personally, I would love to see Din grappling with the long-term fallout of losing Grogu - night terrors, guilt, paranoia, etc. That’s probably the stuff of fanfiction - mandalorians don't have nightmares on screen, surely - but still, some lingering effects Grogu’s kidnapping would be realistic, and I would absolutely live for it.
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shreddedleopard · 3 years
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Twelve-million more reasons Historia and Levi are part of the Endgame. With Pictures.
You can read the first post I made on this here:
10 reasons it would make narrative sense for Levi and Historia’s character arcs to end together.
(This is the mega-evolved version.)
Okay, I’m going to put this out there now, and before you judge me, please just read the posts. You don’t have to agree. This is just an idea. But it makes a stupid amount of sense, at least to me. So here's your fair warning (and now I'm being bold): If you don’t want to potentially be spoiled, Do Not Read On.
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Here’s the Theory:
Historia Reiss will give birth to a half-Ackerman child, and together with Levi, from the ashes and ruins of the world Eren destroyed, they will welcome the dawn of a new age for humanity, where Ymir’s curse and the power of the Titans is extinct.
I know. I sound like some crazy, Rivahisu nut. Granted, I am, but I’m not mad enough to make a claim like this without a shit-ton of evidence, because it’s such a damn twist it feels like it can’t be true. But just humour me.
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Here’s the theory, then we’ll look at why it makes sense and how it might have been foreshadowed. Please note: I have less clue how this will tie in to Eremika endgame, so I haven’t mentioned this as much, but obviously that will be the other very important side of this coin.
10 months ago (In Japan, full term pregnancy is counted as 10 months), at the banquet celebrating completion of the new railroad, Levi and Historia, having had 3 and a bit years to bond over their shared experiences and become close, may have gotten carried away together and shared one night of being a bit more than friends. She’s well into her 18th year at this point, just to clear that up. This resulted in Historia getting pregnant. Okay just stay with me; I know. I know. I sound crazy. But hear me out. So this pregnancy, contrary to the belief of the MPs and rest of the damn world, was the complete opposite of planned. Historia tells Levi, and Levi immediately panics. Because, to steal Kenny’s famous line, Levi thinks to himself ‘I can’t be some kid’s dad.’
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 Levi does what he always does best, and shuts down into business mode, telling Historia she will need to cover it up somehow. Historia does as he asks, probably reluctantly, because she really has developed very deep feelings for him during the timeskip, and finds some farm hand to take the blame, likely saying she made a silly mistake with some random and the father doesn’t want anything to do with the child, and so she needs a father for the child not to be illegitimate. Which is her worst nightmare, because of course, that’s what she was. Levi watches the exchange hidden in that famous hood, feeling very conflicted, because although he cares about her, he thinks it best if no one knows that it was him that got the Queen pregnant, and of course, he’s duty bound, with a vow to fulfil, so he has no time to be worrying about a family. (Silly Levi!) 
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How ironic this conversation would be if this theory were true. Remember, Historia was completely willing to eat Zeke if needed. Instead, she got pregnant, unplanned, nothing to do with any plot or selfish wishes, just the result of a spontaneous act of love by two people who’ve grown to care for one another a lot. ANYWAY.
Because we know Levi actually has a good heart, he feels immensely guilty for all of this; he's just a product of his upbringing and thinks he doesn’t know the first thing about families, so it's better for all involved if he not be. See where this is going? The old cursed history repeating? Making the same mistakes as our parents? Plus, Levi is bound by his duty. He is incredibly important to the military still, and he cannot just abandon this for any of his own selfish wishes. He’s supposed to be the one to vanquish the beast titan. 
Cue ten months of Historia looking hella depressed and hopeless, and Levi being even more of an asshole than usual to everyone, and not really wanting to say too much at all, as well as making some terrible workplace decisions (lol) poor boy be distracted.
Look at his face 😭
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Yes Levi. A month. Which means Historia is now due and you’re still stuck with beardy, without a solution and pretty soon no reason for the MPs not to turn the mother of your child into a Titan.
That’s what that face is. I thought he looked a bit weird first time I read these panels 🤔 He didn’t know about the wine. We see that later. Anyway, I keep getting distracted, stop. I’ll come back to this.
But fear not; Levi will have a choice to make. 
So this is where it gets a bit more iffy for me, because I'm not sure how it would work, so this could be a way off, BUT. I believe it will come to light that the combination of Royal and Ackerman genes will somehow cancel out a person’s ability to turn into a titan and connection through paths, thus making them truly ‘free.’
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The founding titan has the ability to change Eldian physiology, according to what Zeke learned from professor Xavier. 
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EDIT: Okay so here’s where I’ve had to tweak this a bit in light of there latest chapter. So we just had Zeke in PATHS. With none other than our second resident genius, and as proclaimed by Eren, the saviour of humanity: Armin. What do our boys have a conversation about? Reproduction and the importance of the small moments in life - it’s these little moments which matter, regardless of the desire or need to recreate. Interesting how both the leaf and baseball link back to what their ideas of ‘family’ became. If Historia and Levi were to be in the same scenario in PATHS, what would their items be? What truly means family to them both? 
Perhaps Armin and Zeke realise what is needed to lift the curse of the titans - maybe a blueprint for genes which can cancel out the connection to PATHS and the founder? If only they had a child with a new type of Royal-Ackerman DNA which might fit the bill ... 
Here’s Levi’s moment. He, with Historia, has created such a child - completely by accident, because of one of those ‘moments’ that both Armin and Zeke mention - moments that are simply just about enjoying what you have with no sense of how it might relate to anything bigger - a real rarity for both of them, considering their roles and constantly being asked to think about the good of humanity as a whole. What a beautiful irony, that in the moment they chose to be selfish and, to use freckled Ymir’s own words, really live for themselves, they set a chain reaction in motion that would ultimately save humanity. 
Where does this leave Eren and Mikasa? Good question. I believe Eren will die once the curse is removed, because tragically he is the character that has been forced to choose humanity over his own personal relationships. As Isayama has said before, Eren is a victim of the story. Mikasa will be the last thing he sees, hence the original dream at the start of the manga, where he wakes up crying. Something like this. But probably a lot better. Yeah.
Out of the ashes of the old world, a new one will be built, but through Historia’s kindness and love, and Levi’s guilt and understanding of what was sacrificed in the past, society will not repeat the same mistakes. The final panel could be Jean holding his child, perhaps with Mikasa, if she ever manages to get over losing Eren. That would be vague enough so that Isayama was able to show it to us already without spoiling much. Or maybe Jean’s dead and it’s not him at all. I don’t know. 😭
Right. Okay. So now you’re going, sweet story, but uh, there’s no way Levi could be the father. He’s so much older. Isayama wouldn't write a moment of romance like that. Not with him and Historia. YOU’RE JUST CRAZY.
Well this is where it get’s interesting. LET ME SHOW YOU. It’s foreshadowed literally everywhere. Right under our noses.
There is so much symbolism.
Dedicate your heart to what? has been Levi’s question recently. What are they all fighting for? What is he fighting for? How will he give meaning to his dead comrades sacrifices? Is killing Zeke really the extent of it? Is vengeance the true meaning of their sacrifices? Or is it something a lot more hopeful?
The answer is shown to us in the opening credits. And the ending credits. Several times. 
Levi says so himself - he keeps messing fulfilling the vow up - why? Why is he so worried about killing Zeke? 
Eren has the same questions to consider. Which PATH is the right one to take - revenge and violence with the rumbling, or love ... with Mikasa. We are literally shown what their choices will be in two virtually identically designed panels, which I’ll show you. Tragically, Eren’s choice is taken from him. He is a victim to the story - he must chose the path that saves humanity. Levi and Eren have been bound together through the theme of choices, and taking the ones which leave you with the least regrets, throughout this entire manga.
The upcoming anime episodes literally plot out the timeline of Levi and Historia’s changing attitude to one another, and then Historia’s pregnancy, it’s just so cleverly subtle. Isayama even tells us when/ during what event her child was probably conceived by just dropping dates in from other, seemingly unrelated plot lines.
Zeke gives pointed comments to Levi constantly - every other line of his is either a different jab at Levi about Historia’s pregnancy, a veiled question, or a reminder that he’s under the pressure of a 10 month time limit to do something about him, or Historia will have to eat him once she’s given birth. We start to see Levi unravel because of this, and make mistakes over and over.
It’s in official art. It’s in the soundtrack. Its in music videos. There’s interviews from Isayama that, when read in light of these ideas, suddenly take on a whole new meaning.
Isayama even trolls us. He’s laughing in our faces, the madman. Like, gotchu 🤣 suckers. While we’re all on Reddit and Twitter like, ‘Levi’s character has become so stagnated! He’s making such poor choices or not giving anything to the plot at all. All that’s left for him now is to give up and die! Be at peace, your story is over.’ OOF. Or, ‘Historia has just been forgotten! She’s become such a pointless character. Isayama just got bored with her and sidelined her.’
I’m going to try and write stuff up in the rough categories below, but these might change. I’ll link them when I’m done, and then pin this post. I’m a bit of a rambler so heads up - this may take a while 😅
There’s also a ton of people I have to mention who have contributed to this - I didn’t spot it by myself. I’ll tag them in the finished post too.
Historia and Levi’s Miscalculation: A manga tale featuring the Jaeger Bros., Pt. 1
Historia and Levi’s Miscalculation: A manga tale featuring the Jaeger Bros., Pt. 2
Historia and Levi’s Miscalculation: A manga tale featuring the Jaeger Bros., Pt. 3
Ackerman-Royal Bloodline and Levi’s Choice Pt. 1
Levi’s Choice Pt. 2
Suns, Moons and Songs
Akatsuki No Requiem - Right theory, Wrong guy
The Farmer and The Cattle Farming Goddess, or WHAT’S IN A NAME.
Mistakes of our parents and breaking the cycle
Memories from the future & Levi’s Guilt
Watch this space. And hold on to your pants. If I’m right, I’m getting very drunk.
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scottfuckingreed · 4 years
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Truth or Dare - Part Five
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VERY REQUESTED (i’m sorry for the long ass wait)
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Warnings!: Includes swearing and detailed sexual images (female masturbation)
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Oh wow okay. His? I hate the fact that I heard ‘back to mine’ and internally started worrying about the fact that I haven’t shaved, I’m not mentally prepared at all, and I’m an absolute sucker for anything this boy does. It must be hypnotics or something. But I haven’t shaved. I’m not like a monster - I’m not that hairy - but I ain’t smooth. But he is. His words are too smooth. He must do this often. I mean, look at him. Imagine a guy looking like THAT and being unsmooth. It just wouldn’t happen. We get to his, and it’s this nicely done up house which is cosy and cute. It’s somehow exactly what I imagined. Not that I’ve imagined it too often... The fingers on my right hand rub against the top of a unit. They stop at a picture frame, which I pick up. “Is this you and your mum?” I ask, totally in awe at the adorable photo. Monty’s probably 13/14 in it. Both of their faces are smushed together with the biggest grins on their faces. “So cute,” I smirk towards him. I wish I could say I see a slight bit of awkwardness in his face, but he plays it off so cool. “I’ll get you a drink, you can make your way up to my room if you want,” he smiles. 1. That’s so cute. 2. Okayyyyyy. Photo frames line up the side of the stairs. They’re all so happy, and Monty continues to be so fucking cute as a child! There’s no shock there either I guess.
No part of me feels nosey, which it should, as I look around Monty’s room. It’s pretty basic. Baseball shit on the wall, trophy’s placed proudly on shelves. It’s quite tidy though. There may be a few clothes on the floor and some shit shattered, but it’s honestly probably tidier than my room. He hands me a glass, which is very clear. His eyes lock on me as I sniff the contents of the glass. He lets out a laugh. “It’s just water.” After confirming that for me, I take a sip. “Yours is water too?” I ask. I’ve never seen this guy drink anything other than alcohol. “I have practise later so.” And then there’s silence. Fuuuuuuuuck.
It quickly becomes less awkward. Me and Monty hardly talked 2 days ago, and now we’re laughing around in his room. It doesn’t just happen. But it did. “I didn’t know you were this good,” I say, not in a rude way, as I admire one of the trophy’s. “I’m no ‘Bryce Walker’, but I’m alright I guess,” humble? This is NOT the Monty I know. “Didn’t you used to be a cheerleader?” Oh god. Bring up the old memories why don’t you. I let out a small laugh. “I’m surprised you would remember such an insignificant thing like that, but yeah I guess. I was shit at it though.” “Well the main part of being a cheerleader is to be sexy and distract the players right?” A smile spreads across my face, shaking my head slowly at the words flowing out of his mouth. “It is, and I have to say I’m definitely distracted,” as he spoke his words, he started making his way towards me. He so irresistible. Ffs. He just there, right in front of me, smiling because HE KNOWS he has me right where he wants me. “You’re such a flirt Cruz,” I go to push his head softly and playfully, but my hand just stays placed on his cheek. “You’re so distracting Y/L/N.” Move Y/N. Say something! But I can’t say something. I can’t say anything. The Monty I knew- thought I knew- is not the guy sat in front of me. Where’s the guy who pushed Tyler Down into the lockers on multiple occasions. He’s always been the bad boy you’re not meant to like, but they’re always the attractive ones so you do anyway. This is too tempting. My words are stuck in my throat, not that I even know what to say. He knows what he’s doing. And it’s working! He moves his head slowly closer to mine, and I just wanted to pull it closer faster. The warmth of his breath sends shivers down my spine. Hovering lips almost touch then... my phone rings. His body throws itself back on his bed. Defeated. “Shit, it’s my mum.” I let out in a whisper. Every inch of my being wants to just ignore it, but my mum with never forgive me. EVER! “Hey mum!” I answer as enthusiastically as I can. She mumbles on about how she’s cooking tea before she’s goes out. And my little sister will need me. Blah blah blah. Way to kill a mood mum. “I have to go,” I break to him slowly. “I figured, I guess we’ll just have to continue another time,” I raise my eyebrows. Grabbing my bag, I go to show myself out. Something about leaving makes words I couldn’t find earlier come spiralling out. Words I didn’t intend on saying. “You can call me though, if you’d like,” I shrug. Confidence? Who is she? I don’t recognise me.
A strong, slightly chilly breeze guides me home. It’s nice to actually clear my head. To think so much has happened over the past few days, ever since that stupid party and an even sillier game. I’d like to believe that it’s for the best that my mum rang me when she did. Although I doubt it, maybe I’d regret flirting with Monty more. Who am I kidding, I’m pissed. But at least the sky is clear, even if my head isn’t. It’s muddled and tangled and, well, fucked. The best thing for me to do is push Monty, and all the other boys, out. I don’t care; It’s just a little game: As fun as it is, it’s a no.
“Where were you after school?” My 7 year old sister Y/S/N asks. I know all children are annoying, but she actually not too bad. Sure she smells and screams and just pretends to be angelic for mum, but I’ve seen worse. Oh and she’s nosey. Sometimes I think mum puts her up to this. “I was at a friend’s, why?” I smile. Purely out of happiness, not because I was hanging out with Monty. We sit at the dining table. Y/S/N has not moved from her seat since I’ve got home, so neither have I. Shes rather artistic. We draw and colour and doodle. It’s actually extremely relaxing. “Mummy thinks you have a boyfriend,” her tone is ‘know-it-all’ if that makes sense. At least I’m not lying. “Well I’ll tell mummy that I don’t. I wish!” I gasp, making her giggle. “Yeah, you’re lonely!” “Hey! I shout jokingly. “You just continue doing your colouring missy,” i reach my hands towards her, tickling her all over her body until she’s red in the face.
Do you ever just close your eyes and make up scenarios in your head? It’s sounds crazy I know! But I just lay down and visualize things that are just unrealistic sometimes. I did say that I was going to push Monty out, but I meant out of my life. Thinking about him is nothing. He won’t even know. The clock reads 11:57, and my head remains on hyperspeed. I can’t get the thoughts of Monty out. Images of him smirking. The sound of him being smug. The feeling of him underneath me as I ground on him. I squeeze my eyes shut, already regretting the movement of my hand. I could search for some willpower. If I did, I’m sure I’d find some. But I have no willpower to search for willpower right now. My hand reaches my vagina, shooting immediate pleasure through my body. I hold it still for a second, wondering if this will push me too far towards Monty. I don’t want anything, like this, to do with Monty. But he’s so fucking hot.
I let my fingers move. Flashes of Monty shoot through my head. It weird how you can imagine things that you haven’t seen happen. Like it’s weird how, laid here right now, I have the ability to imagine Montgomery in any way I’d like. As I rub soft circles against my clit, I visualise myself laid in sexy lingerie on Monty’s bed. It’s the same blue sheets with white lines all over them. I can feel the mattress beneath me. I can see Monty in nothing but white boxers crawling on top of me. My breath heightens at the thought of feeling his breath against my face once again. I change the rhythm of my fingers, slowly sinking a single digit into my core. A slight moan escapes my mouth. In my head, Monty kisses down between my breasts, his right hand squeezing one as he trails down my body: all the way down to the top of my panties. One finger turns to two. I can’t help but get wetter and wetter at my own vivid imagination. That’s all it is. I’m only imagining Monty’s slightly rough fingertips against my skin as he pulls my things down and throws them across the room. But it feels so good! Our eyes lock, and he’d say something like ‘are you ready baby’. The deepness of his voice would send me to a different dimension. He’d hook his arms around my thighs, pulling me down closer to him. I wiggle to get into a comfier position. The toes at the very end of my body begin to curl quite violently. His head would be buried into my pussy, which makes my top half of my body raise only slightly. My moans are mostly internalised, but the pleasure is all real. I pick up the pace of my fingers as juices begin to flood down my own hand. I should stop, but it feels incredible. Imagine what it would feel like from him? His hands, which remain latched around my thighs, would keep my core close to his tongue lapsing around my clit. I wouldn’t be able to help my right hand pushing him as deep into my vagina as possible, probably catching him a few times with my nails. I begin to focus more on my clit, as I imagine he would too, pulling my fingers out. The circular motion becomes quite vigorous. “Shit,” I whisper to myself as I feel my stomach start to knot. My thighs would attempt to close around his face, but he would pull them open and hold them with quite a bit of pressure. Both his forehead and his arms would bulge with a vein. I roll my eyes back into my head. The knot tightens more and more until I feel the need to release. My scream would be as simple as ‘Monty I’m cumming!’. Right now, I cover my mouth with the inner elbow of my left arm. My eyes squeeze tighter shut. I wanna scream out as I ride out my high. I know for a fact that Monty would lick up all my juices. He’d make a slightly dick comment about how he’s ‘just cleaning up’, but I’d feel him him against me, vibrating an incredible sensation up through my entire body. My arm collapses onto my bed, having that feeling of almost cramping. The racing of my heart follows my heavy breaths.
I’m sure the guilt will take over in the morning.
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birdlingstarot · 4 years
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Hey! I was wondering if i can get a general tarot reading about my relationship between me and my boyfriend (Nel), just like what's going between us and what needs to change. I'll send you a picture of us because your rules say is okay to do so, and maybe it will help you more. Thank you! - Valentina 🌻
Hello  🌻 Valentina!
A little birdie told me this 🕊
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What represents your relationship currently? XLIV - The Box
This relationship has a great potential. However, the shine of the relationship is being limited, be it through others’ opinions, both of your opinions, what is believed to be the norm etc. This relationship is being played out using what you know or expect to work consciously or subconsciously. This resulted in limiting the potential of the relationship. 
The relationship could potentially become boring or lack the passion you and/or your partner hope to have in a romantic relationship. Try something new together. Remember that the relationship is between both of you. Are the expectations of your relationship formed from both of you or are they rooted from a source outside of your relationship.
Communicate with each other on what makes each of you happy, ticked off and the like. Be open to each other. Make sure that what you do for your partner is what makes your partner happy not what you expect would make your partner happy. 
To put in an example for better explanation, it’s like you bringing your partner out to a high class restaurant because you believe that it is romantic and sure it does make your partner happy but they would be happier if both of you have a candlelight dinner at home prepared by the both of you together instead.
This would help igniting more passion into the relationship as one/both of you might feel that the relationship is lacking.
Through this, your partner would out in more effort into the relationship to woo the other to reciprocate the affection.
What does 🌻 Valentina wants in this relationship? Frog, Lamb and Rabbit
You want someone who can be your pillar of support especially during tough times. A relationship where you are not afraid of being vulnerable in. You want someone who is attentive to you and listens to you, be it happy moments or sad/ angry moments. Slightly docile as well. Sensitive to your emotions and takes good care of you to sum it up slightly.
Nel could likely be someone with earth dominant with water following after in his natal chart if you are interested in astrology. 
(I am getting a feeling that Nel might have an earth sun and water moon, taurus energy too, he likely likes the finer things in life and does not mind splurging where he deem is worth it)
(I am also getting the feeling that you have air and water dominant in your chart, leo sun with air moon/ rising) [Please tell me if this is true, I’m trying to improve, thank you! :D]
You likely want someone energetic but drama-free, someone who provides you comfort when you are out of your comfort zone, be it trying new things or when you’re in a tough spot in your life as well as someone who would remind you to take care of yourself. 
You likely prefer men who leans more towards the hairy side of the spectrum when it comes to appearance. 
In addition, you would also like for them to be spiritual or at least someone who is open about spirituality one way or another.
You want someone who is able to provide you guidance gently and patiently. 
You might also need to be patient with your partner as here as they are likely one who would prefer to approach you after thinking things through while you might prefer to immediately have a discussion.
What does 🌻 Nel wants in this relationship? Crocodile; Son (Knight) of Cups, 10 of Swords, Son (Knight) of Swords, 8 of Wands and 4 of Pentacles
Please prepare yourself 🌻 Valentina. Please read through this entirety before overthinking.
Nel is likely still thinking about his past relationship, this could be romantic, platonic, family etc. However, this person affected him a lot and could still be in contact with him currently.
He wants someone that does not lash out suddenly but is able to snap him out of himself when he got too absorb in the past. He wants someone strong and firm with him in this regards. as he is still has quite a bit to learn regarding emotional stability. 
He is likely someone who prefers to keep to themselves when he has a problem and overthinks. This makes himself the worst enermy to him, which is when you come in. He wants someone who can get him moving.
For example:
Him: *Brooding and overthinking about someone with millions of potential scenarios* 
You: Snap, snap boy! Get your shit together, it ain’t a big deal and you don’t know hoe it’ll end if you never start. 
Him: But...
You: JUST DO IT!!!! 
Him: A’ight girl, I’m moving, I’m moving.
You: FASTER!!!!
Him: OKAY, OKAY, MOVING!
Something like that.
He’d likely have a plan put together after a while of pondering on the problem but needs the push to get started in implementing it.
He’s likely someone who is creative artistically and could be surprisingly passionate about things which could come off as a surprise as he tends to protray a much more toned down when speaking about his passion. He’d be happy if you could recognise them and praise him. (He might try to be cool about your praise but he’s jumping right up cloud by cloud to cloud nine internally)
He likes to be in control and panics if he’s not, especially when it comes to the materialistic world. He would like someone who can calm him down and supprot him when that happens. He likely needs to learn to let go of control and let things flow. 
What does 🌻 Valentina needs in this relationship? Mother of Cups, Judgement, 6 of Pentacles and 2 of Cups
You need a someone who is emotionally mature and is able to provide tender comfort, hugs, when you don’t feel the best. Preferably, those that listens to you ranting, crying and be like ‘it’s okay babe’ type compared to the solving all your issues/ being a ‘professional’ problem-solver, at least initially. After a while, if the problem persist than he would sit down with you to discuss how to tackle the problem together.
You should get hugs. You’ll feel better with hugs.
You need someone who have strong morals and objective, especially during tough times when your feelings are more volatile. Someone’s whose able to stay calm and logical and provide guidance in tough times. 
10 and 2 might be numbers you’d like to take note of if they are repetitive during certain periods, especially 1010. 
You need someone committed in the relationship who’s not playing around and someone you can connect to on the emotional level. 
In addition, your relationship should not progress too fast. You are likely to be impatient and wants immediate results but you should slow down.
Your relationship should grow like a plant, carefully and tenderly and overtime, bears fruits and flowers. Recognize the smaller things and be grateful to them, don’t let expectations shift your attention from them. Enjoy the journey and you’ll find happiness closer than you think. 
What does 🌻 Nel needs in this relationship? Temperance, Ace of Sups, 4 of Swords
He needs someone to balance him out in the relationship, someone opposite to him is ideal. For instance, when he gets too inactive in the physical world, he needs someone who could toss him out of whatever hole he’s in and get moving or if he gets too panicky about a situation, he needs someone who’s chill in that situation. Generally, someone to bring him back into balance when he gets too extreme in any particular situation.
He needs someone who is like a breath of fresh air to him or rather, he needs to recognize that you are a different person compared to whoever he is very affected by back when we were speaking about in what he wants in this relationship. 
He needs someone who is mentally strong who can help him improve mentally. Again, he tends to overthink and make a small issue seem much larger than it is which could very likely leads to self-deprecating. 
Remember all these stated is vice versa, both of you can and should improve together, this is stated in the generally manner of things, especially when things get tough for one or both of you.
Remember it’s:
Both of you VS Issue
NOT 
You VS Him
Sit down, sip some good tea and discuss the issue. Write points down and address them if that helps.
Advice for 🌻 Valentina:
Helping her boyfriend 17 Minimus, 24 Paradisiacal, 6 Epiphany
Guide him through his tough times through discussions. Help him find the source of the issue that is bothering him and discuss methods to help/ solve the issue as likely he would have trouble identifying the source.
Be yourself not what you expect what he wants you to be. It is definitely understandable that both of you want to be as perfect as possible to each other but don’t compromise your unique qualities because they are amazing. They are, in fact, one of the most effective and unconscious efforts to bring him to recognize that you are not someone else and to not associate you with someone else. Be confident in your own skin!
Words of affirmations and hugs for him, especially since he’d have a tendency to degrade himself mentally. Smack your affection and how you view him into his face and shove it down his throat. He needs to know how amazing he is and you are happy to be with him but will be happier if he recognize more of his worth. Scream it at him. Text him. Leave notes. Attack him with hugs and kisses. Whatever that both of you fancy. Don’t go too crazy though. (Don’t take the screaming advice, it’s not advice but if it works go ahead)
On yourself: 5 Gilded Regret
Accept the past for what’s it to be. It’s alright to think about the past but remember the past is the past. Be it yours or his. Don’t let it linger and affect you, him and/or your relationship because of what has already left. 
This is applicable to your boyfriend as well.
To improve this relationship: 
43 Owl Spirit - You see clearly now
Quiet down and observe. You already know what’s needs to be done. You can see it clearly and not through a fog now. You have the power to see things clearly and decide. 
You hold power here. You are the empress here. You know the wise decision. Don’t rush, don’t panic. 
Simply observe and you’ll know. Be objective and listen to your intuition.
57 Squirrel Spirit - Believe in yourself
Be confident. Don’t keep relying on others. It’s good to hear opinions but they shouldn’t be the foundation of your actions or how you see your relationship or anything connected to your relationship to be. They should only provide another view to look at the situation.
You know best here. Accept and see different views before acting. Trust yourself and what your intuition and mind tells you.
28 Frog Spirit - Clear out the clutter
Don’t cling on to what’s not there. 
Release what needs to be. Communicate with your boyfriend and understand each other. What is it about each other that has changed? Observe and learn to accept them. 
Don’t bring the past into your relationship. Look at the present and the future, they are more important and requires both of your attention, not the past.
Understand where the foundation of your relationship lies. Understand what keeps the relationship strong and what weakens the relationship.
You do not need to toss out what weakens the relationship but communicate and improve on the weaknesses and create something out of them to strengthen your relationship. Once done, be grateful and release what is then in the past.
Don;t play games. Don’t explode. 
Calmly present your emotions and wear your heart on your sleeve.
25 Elephant Spirit - Learn from the past
Again, learn from the past but don’t hold on to them. Appreciate what had happen and let them go.
Don’t let the past affect your emotions and the relationship.
Build on the past but never linger too long. 
The past is like a museum, something to be appreciated from time to time but never affecting you more than what it had already did.
The divine spirit guides are guiding you, don’t worry.
35 Koala Spirit - Spirit has a plan
Do not worry, the divine spirit guides are guiding you, lighting your way however small the light might be. Don’t panic when things doesn’t seem to be going as expected or if something seems off. 
Make sure to separate what came about from overthinking or rose-coloured glasses from the truth of things.
26 Flamingo Spirit - Embrace the in-between
Learn to appreciate even the smallest of things. 
Learn to appreciate the good side in every bad situation and the bad side in every good situation. 
Appreciate what is between the both of you. It is something beautiful and should be treated with respect and kindness. 
It’s the little things, you know. People tend to forget that. 
Bring them into your daily life. 
Oh, you cooked? Thank you, it’s amazing.
Oh, tired? You’d worked hard.
You washed the dishes? Thank you, that’s very thoughtful of you.
Love even the smallest of things and you’ll be surprised at how much love can be accumulated. Every little counts, right?
Anything you feel even remotely about, say it. Communicate it. Don’t let them be stored within you. You should share what the other had done that made you happy. Cheesy? Probably. Worth it? Damn straight it is. Sharing is caring.
4 Badger Spirit - Be fearless and bold
Be confident. Trust yourself and your intuition. Step up to initiate something. The box we mentioned that represents your relationship has many layers. It’s time to break them to shine greater. 
Don’t limit yourself. Don’t limit the potential. 
It can be destabilizing but what’s good doesn’t come cheap. 
We always say that the more challenges you’d overcome, the stronger you are. We can say the same with any relationship. Always remember that in this relationship, you overcome the hurdles together not separately. Work together, not against each other.
I believe that you already understood the areas you can improve on in this relationship. All the best to the both of you! May this relationship blossom beautifully. (Remember to tend to the weeds, water it and love and care for it)
If you require more assistance, please feel free to ring our doorbell again! 
We hope this had helped you, 🌻 Valentina!
For now, the little birdie shall return home 🏡 ~ Ring our doorbell whenever!
Rest well 💤 ~
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rironomind · 6 years
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GS Artists Rec List
I told @the-nysh I would do this so I did. I’m just here to shamelessly promote my favs.  If you want to binge on art, trawl Pixiv and bookmarks. If you want daily art, follow the artists’ Twitter, or @GSnightfight. 
Sidenote: It is strange to know that some of the raunchiest stuff come from mums. 
(Artists under the cut!)
Kinako [Pixiv] [Twitter]- Protec. Their comic strips are so cute and good. Like this one here and an ongoing one on Twitter. I don’t really understand it but it seems like Genos drank a memory loss chemical to forget about how he couldn’t really love Saitama but then ended up in a relationship with him anyway? He calls just calls Saitama “Saitama”, it’s very bittersweet because he regrets drinking it. (Full thread here)
Yutani [Pixiv] - They do doujins, including one where Genos turns into a white wolf and one where Saitama gets double-teamed by devil!Genos and bunny!Genos.
Lisa [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Have I mentioned lately how much I love Lisa? I’ve been following her ever since she did “The person who makes you happy/Happy people” (Part 1/Part 2). She just did an omegaverse doujin too. Her style is a bit anatomically questionable but they look soft and blushy and muscley and romantic so I’m into it. She’s also done a couple of fake movie posters that’s also very tender. ^3^ (Also, nice try Lisa, I know you draw gratuitous bottom!Genos porn on a separate Twitter account.)
Nano [Pixiv] [Twitter] [Tumblr] - Soft, round egg. They did a doujin where Saitama gets fucked while wearing a dress as well as this really nice sfw doujin about Genos realising he likes Saitama. And who could forget this iconic fake twitter video. (Also they’re on tumblr! Please show them more love)
Polon [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Soft watercolour style, lithe muscley egg illustrations in sexy (and funny) poses and outfits. Loads of lovely short R18 comics. One of my favs is in here where Saitama’s cum is turned into Cookies and Cream flavour by a monster and this one where Saitama gets a bad fan letter and needs some TLC. They also have cat!sensei and dog!Genos versions which are super cute. Cat!Sensei is very chubby (it’s in their icon!).
Oikkodeth [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Yall better recognise. Mainly R18 doujins and puts out one every event (that’s like 5 times a year or more). They’ve covered the whole range: hanahaki, Little Red Riding Hood, human torso!Genos and more. Anatomy is a bit stiff but they’re so proficient.
Mido [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Korean but translates her comics to Japanese. Expressive, cute, clean comic style.
Akiyama [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Yall better fucking R E C O G N I S E. They, along with asamizu and a few others, have been posting since 2013. They churn out doujins like a machine and even has their own category in the doujin store, their books took up half a shelf. Consistently cute, punchy dialogue and doesn’t deal with drama. But you don’t need me to tell you. (Look at this though!!)
Hoyu [Pixiv] [Twitter] - You guys remember the sausage pillow comic? Do you like spit, licking, kinks and softcore yandere Genos? You’re gonna love Hoyu. Also, she knows loads of people? I always see her in the comments on twitter. Very skinny boys and twisted love, a new and interesting sketchy style.
Akiko [Pixiv] [Twitter] - A very girly and attentive waifu top!Genos and a tired Saitama. Puts out a comic strip almost every day? #blessed. (Sensei, please be sweet to me!) Doesn’t do R18 very often.
Oishigeru [Pixiv] - Does only doujins, maybe twice a year? Most, if not all are R18 and Saitama always looks vaguely worried. i like Even If mostly because it’s the only one I read all the way through and it’s about insecurities of a relationship. There was another doujin about Genos/Two Saitamas. Does introspective egg very well so I’m immediately biased. Doesn’t post art on twitter so I’m not including it.
Emochikaoya [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Yall already know I’m a massive fan of Kaoya’s work. Kinkwise, if you think of it, she’s probably drawn it. Super efficient, churns out minicomics once a week in between drawing her original comic (can’t stop the thirst, guys). I’m trying to get her to do more coloured illustrations so if you guys want to stroke her ego, I’ll pass it on. My favourite doujin of hers is ‘Who’ and it has hands-down The Best Egg Lecture. Probably one of the few artists who bother to translate to English (you’re welcome). I have a million things to say about her but it would turn into an essay so I’ll stop.
Minerux [Pixiv] [Twitter] - A member of the @GSNightFight challenge on Twitter. Uncertain and worried egg and supportive and very attentive borg. Check out “Curiousity” and “Red String” and a personal fav “Hold on”.
Dokimaru [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Her neko sensei is probably the most iconic. He has a sweatshirt with like 6 nipples? Iconic. they drew a hot springs doujin where Genos turned basically his whole body into a vibe and Saitama caused him to short circuit and blow out every fuse in the ryokan. They set off the fire sprinklers. This one ficart where Saitama gets double-teamed by two Genoses knocked me flat.
Mat [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Mat?? Is so?? Good?? Ever think about how a look can break your heart? Egg is always tired and Genos is worried. Contact is very sweet and makes your heart twinge, and there’s another one they just released about Saitama being cursed with handcuffed hands
Hebitoriasu [Pixiv] [Twitter] - I’m not a big fan of the shading but I can see improvement. Mostly R18 doujins but they’re cute.
Tori/Saboten [Pixiv] [Twitter] - They have two major AUs - fem!Saitama (Nyotama) and Sabo-sensei - and they’re both amazing. Very good readability, very funny comics. If you’re not a fan of fem!Saitama, they have dedicated groups of art for nyotama. Of course my fav of their works is the one with all of Saitama and Genos’ dating problems and the one where Saitama is “Weak to ikemen (handsome guys)”.
Asamizu [Pixiv] - What kind of useless list would this be without Asamizu? Yeah they had their own category too on the doujin shelf. Very nice graphics, and they discuss relationship topics in a candid manner. Been drawing these boys for over 4 years! Mostly doujins. I also have to plug their game (visual novel) about Saitama endlessly repeating a week to try to get Genos to stop asking him out, it will probably last 10 hours. God they do love to ramble.
Toufumaru [Pixiv] - I’ll admit, I’m not a big fan of their recent work (sailor uniform sensei and sensei who wants to be held) but I really like Blue in Blue and Mellow Yellow which talk about Saitama’s non-existent emotions.
Nemunoki [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Mainly R18 doujins. They’ve explored all manner of sexual situations and kinks. Outdoor sex, electricity, double penetration, tentacles, you name it. It’s all amazing. The perspective does throw me off though.
Untara [Pixiv] - Into switch but really likes bottom!Genos anyway. What can I say? Kinky, but hot.
Satoku [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Melancholy egg! Attentive Genos! Does mostly short comics but they’re so cute. Martyr Saitama is my jam!
Kamikoawakakyouko [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Interesting concepts. Recently released a comic that I consider to be the pinnacle of the OPM fandom because it’s Saitama having to consider the environmental/global impact of his strength and how that boils down to affect his everyday life.
Matabi [Pixiv] - Pretty much only doujins. Sensei has moobs and the boys are squishy and blushy. Also does quite a bit of rimming.
Sototuka [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Mostly R18 illustrations with some nice shading but questionable garments. She drew this doujin with futa!Sensei and double-dick Genos. 
Hara Hara [Pixiv] - Saitama is the manic pixie dream girl you guys never thought would exist. Fashion model ingenue. Werk it, sensei. Permanent come hither. Seeing Saitama in dresses brings me life (even if he is super skinny).
Raoki [Pixiv] - Mainly R18 illustrations. I remembered she did sounding with Pocky.
Gmeko [Pixiv] - C U T E. Round and pastels. Soft with lots of TLC. Did a “(I’ll find you) Before the stars do” comic and a hair washing comic.
NICE BOON [Pixiv] - Korean who takes no shit. Fantastic fashion. Little to no BL but the concepts are all on pointe. Existential egg. Eggistential. Locked twitter.
Silver_mssk [Pixiv]  [Twitter] - locked account but if you managed to add her…really, really good eggistential portraits in a variety of scenes. Hilarious comics and a stone face Genos and flailing egg. Also lots of Mobuncle/Saitama scenarios? Which…tbh same.
Foo2333 [Twitter] - What if Saitama took part in enjo kosai (paid dating)? Bottom!Saitama, a soft and sexy egg desired by all. Listen, I don’t make the rules. 
Skaky21 [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Mostly out of the fandom but dips in sometimes. Very polished shiny style. Not my cup of tea but it’s cute.
1200年丸 [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Now mostly BNHA but does OPM sometimes. Mostly SFW. This comic is cute.
ICHIKAZU [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Curly haired boyish Genos! Everyone’s crazy about her Apocaplyse!AU but I prefer her newest doujin where Saitama wins a camera and Genos uses it to take lots of pictures of his sensei.
Kaji Oyaji [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Wowowow so cute and pastel? Is everyone an angel? Am I dead? Soft and sweet. Saitama is like a fairy and Genos is in love. Imagine the embodiment of Spring.
Ginsky [Pixiv] - Chinese. They’ve moved on but boy those were some bright colours and expressive faces.
Tutu_en_f [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Soft romantic sketches. Feel very french but I’m only saying that because she is literally in France now.
COCONUT [Pixiv] - Korean. Fashionable (you see a trend?) Saigenos sketches. Young boyish Genos, manly egg.
Obachan [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Chibi comics. Still active and cute af.
Shiwasu [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Woah this egg is too cute for this world. Does short comics, draws sex but not especially ero. I like this one which is about Genos becoming able to read Saitama’s mind, first kiss (self explanatory) and Saitama losing his strength (R18).
Nyuton [Pixiv] [Twitter] - Active on Twitter. Posts a lot of speed-colouring videos. Nice sketchy feeling but with colour. Likes to borrow concepts from music videos.
Mochi [Pixiv] - Crudely-drawn gag comics with a humour on par with ONE’s. Please, they’re so good. This one opens up with both of them wearing The Dress.
Shout out to starjr_major who is currently in Golden Kamui hell but used to draw some really amazingly cute Saitama.
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theintrinsicwarrior · 4 years
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The ‘Self-Help’ Problem
“Self-Help”. Hearing that term will probably make you think of TED talks, Tony Robbins seminars and meditation. I assume you already know what self help is, but if not, it’s basically a word used to describe a genre of material that involves giving people advice in different areas of life and providing information regarding one’s own self-development and wellbeing. It’s a very broad genre that deals with what it’s name suggests: Helping yourself. In this post I want to talk about the most common trap that people (myself included) often run into with this material. I’ve been on my own journey with this stuff and I will say now that, although there a lot of problems with this material, it can also provide a lot useful tools that are backed up by psychology and scientific recognition. Although it looks like it, this isn’t going to be a biased rant with me bashing this industry with everything I have. In fact, I still use some of the things I’ve learnt from this material in my life today with great results. This will be me talking about the common pitfall people run into with this material and I’ll use my own experience as an example.
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First of, let’s break down this term “Self-Help”. This word implies that you: your self, needs ‘help’. It implies that you have a problem and need help with it. That you are not good right now and that you need help make yourself good. You have an issue with yourself, so logically, you need ’self help’. Off to a great start, right? Let’s paint a picture to illustrate my point here. Imagine a guy. This guy’s name is Luke. Luke has a severe case of social anxiety, realises it and begins reading self help books on how to overcome social anxiety. Logical right? Luke reads these books, feels motivated and decides to go to a bar and talk to people. He gets to the bar and his mind is going blank and crazy at the same time. He sits down anxiously while looking for a group or person to approach. As time goes by his anxiety increases, nerves are on overdrive and starts to sweat heavily. His heart is going faster than Usain bolt. His entire physiology is saying ‘this is scary, we have to get out of here!’. He tells himself ’this is a mistake, I can’t do this’ and decides to go home. He drives home with what feels like a tidal wave of shame and regret to come over him. Thoughts of self-doubt overwhelm him at the same time. After these thoughts and feelings, he thinks: ‘maybe those books I read were shit?’, ‘maybe I should try looking at some better stuff on Youtube?’. So he does. He watches some random YouTube videos that deal with social anxiety and once again, gets motivation to go out and approach people. You already know what happens. He once again feels overwhelmed by anxiety, wimps out, drives home with shameful feelings, only to seek out more self help material. Maybe he goes into depression, thinking he will never ‘beat’ his anxiety. Whats actually happening here is his belief that his social anxiety is a problem is reinforcing itself, ultimately affecting how he views himself. He never stops to say: ‘what if having social anxiety is OK and in the end, that makes me OK?’ What if Luke takes a second to stop trying to change himself, stops trying to find the perfect book on how to ‘fix’ himself and just accept himself? Howbowdeh!? This is the common problem I’m talking about: The lack of unconditional self-acceptance. Right now I’m studying Psychology & Counselling and I’ve learnt some interesting things about therapy and different therapeutic modalities. So far, my favourite psychologist I’ve learnt about is Carl Rogers. My guy Carl Rogers founded a modality in counselling known as ‘Person centred therapy’. It is based around many principles but one of them is a condition known as ‘Unconditional Positive Regard’. This refers to the therapist unconditionally accepting the client as they are, as opposed to accepting them under certain conditions. His theory here was that if the therapist demonstrates unconditional acceptance to the client, they are likely to accept themselves which would allow them to comprehend their issues effectively. I’ve personally experienced this when I went to see a psychologist, seen video footage of sessions where this is demonstrated and read about it in countless text books. I’d say it works! So let’s go back to the example of Luke. If Luke did end up accepting himself unconditionally, and accepted that being socially anxious is fine and that he doesn’t need to be ‘fixed', wouldn’t he be more likely to feel comfortable in social situations? Right now, he’s basically telling himself “being socially anxious is a problem and therefore I cannot be myself” His entire self concept revolves around trying to be confident in social situations, which always reinforces the idea that he isn’t when he becomes anxious. The thing I want to express most here is that, once upon a time, I was Luke. I mean, my social anxiety was not as extreme as his, but it still caused me to struggle with confidence and self-esteem. I would read book after book, article after article, trying to ‘fix myself’. I worked overtime to become the super confident, extroverted badass who everybody liked and was friends with and repressed any uncomfortable emotions I’d feel regarding my awkwardness. Among other issues, it led to me getting depression symptoms and motivated me to see a therapist to find out why I was bombarded with negative thoughts and emotions. Turns out, accepting myself was all I had to freaking do! Though, accepting your imperfections is far from the easiest thing in the world, it was easily one of the most liberating things I could have ever done. The message here? You don’t need to be fixed! There’s nothing wrong with you! I don’t care if you’ve been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, PTSD and OCD. I don’t care if you literally shit your pants every time you go to a party where you know people. Realise there’s nothing to fix or work on. There’s no magic book, article, seminar, life coach, weekend retreat, TED talk, meditation routine, NLP course or YouTube video that is going to make you ’normal'! Realise those imperfections make you incredible, unique and great. Own that aspect of yourself, retrain your mind to see the greatness in your imperfections and watch progress unfold (and all the money you’ll save!). 
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Another thing I want speak on regarding self help is two mindsets: The first one is this “just be positive and say 10 affirmations in the mirror every morning” mindset’. The second is the “just be confident and you’ll get everything you want in your life” type ideology the general majority of self help content preaches. Every second self help book, article, YouTube video will pump you with this idea that if you are feeling negative emotions and don’t feel confident in yourself, the answer is simple: focus on the positive! Duh! Feeling depressed about losing your job, your dog dying and your recent break-up? Simple! Just say positive affirmations like “I am good enough and deserve everything good in life” every morning in the mirror while smiling because that will make you happy! Problem solved! Happy days, come at me! If you can’t tell by the tone here, I’m being sarcastic. For you to tell someone who is depressed and has a hopeless outlook in life to just say some positive things, focus on the positive to try and change their feelings is counter-productive. The more that person tries to focus on being positive, the more they are reminded that they’re depressed and have negative thoughts, making it worse! To focus on what you ‘don’t have' in order to get away from what you have right now is going to only reinforce a ‘scarcity mindset’. It’s you saying “I don’t have this thing right now and I need it to be OK with myself”. It’s going back to what I said in the previous paragraph: Rejecting your current state as not being good enough just reinforces your current state as not being good enough even more. It becomes a paradox: The more you reject a negative state of being, the more it will persist. Oooh, don’t you love paradoxes?! Negative states of being are one of those things that need to be experienced and embraced, no matter how uncomfortable they are. They need to be accepted (there’s that word again!). You ask anyone who has been through an epically painful experience and they will likely say something along the lines of: "It was hard to go through that, but I’m thankful I did because it made me stronger/better/confident etc.” Ok, that might be a generalisation, but I’ve heard this enough times from others and tell myself this all the time regarding certain experiences. So now the bullshit “acting confident even if you’re not is the ticket to kicking ass in life” mindset. Before I go into this, can I just say, confidence has to be one of the most ambigous concepts regarding human behaviour. How do you measure confidence? What does a confident person act like? These questions plagued me in a good portion of my 20’s. At one point, I came to a conclusion that confidence is measured by how much you talk. It’s how extraverted you act in social scenarios. It’s how much you can prove you don’t care. It’s how indifferent you are in relation to things happening to you, good or bad. I walked around for a good 7-8 years believing this. Can you blame me? Our society pumps us with this notion that confidence is basically you being overly sure of yourself, super-talkative and indifferent on an obnoxious scale. Yeah, that’s what confidence is! Of course! Thank you society!  If I went to parties or a social gathering and acted like that (which I have, mind you!), you best believe people are going to cringe so hard their facial muscles will be getting a workout! For self help to communicate the repetitive message of ’the key is to just be confident’ is stupid on too many levels to even fathom. In my experience, confidence come's from failing over and over, till you reach the point where you have experience and just know what to do - because you’ve done it a million times. Note the keyword in that last sentence: Failing. Another keyword: Experience. If we want to make a logical formula for confidence it would go something like: Repeated failure = Experience = Confidence. Howbowdeh!? "But I want examples, Aden!” Of course you do. When I started taking exercise seriously, I went through a period of 4-5 years where I would: Lose the weight I wanted, get too comfortable with food, put on more than weight I lost before, get motivated again and repeat the cycle. At first I wasn’t ‘confident’ in how to lose weight. There were so many things that contributed to weight loss that it confused me: What types of food do I eat? how much of it do I have? What exercises do I need to do? . I repeated this cycle where I would get success and inevitably ‘fail’ enough times to the point where I just knew I could lose weight if I ever put it on again. Cut calories, salt, sugar, dense carbs. Have lower portion meals and increase high intensity cardio mixed with some muscle building workouts. In the formula, It would look like: Gain weight (Repeated Failure) = Learn how to lose weight (Experience) = Confidence in losing weight/gaining muscle. All of this can be summed up by saying: "Get comfortable with failing and you’ll become confident". Repeating that: You’ll ‘become’ confident. As in, you’ll just be confident and not have to worry about whether you are or not. Self help says: "You’ll become confident when you start ACTING like it”. See that word? Acting? That implies that you're not confident, so if you have to act confident, that reinforces the reality that you’re not confident. Awesome, my guy. Go through life like that and see what happens. ‘Fake it till you make it’ is the common saying. "But Aden, failing over and over just to be confident is going to be hard, draining, not to mention it will take forever!" I get it. Obviously, failing over and over again is not easy. It’s not sexy. It’s not quick and convenient . If there’s one thing self help content will try to sell you is ‘quick and convenient’, short term tactics to get results. My hypothesis? You already know. Be happy with failing. Treat failures as essential lessons for 'next time’. Learn ’the hard way’. Extract the ‘gift' out of every experience, good or bad. Get comfortable with being uncomfortable. 
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To sum up this whole post: First, Accept yourself and negative states unconditionally, other wise you’ll end up chasing a false illusion of happiness. Second, learn things the hard way: Through honest experience and taking the lessons from those experiences to gain confidence, as opposed to copying what you perceive a confident person does. I’ll also take this time to say that, while most self-help can border around the naive and unrealistic, I’d recommend looking into authors that are categorised as ’self help’ but are actually geared towards the things I spoke about in this post - self acceptance and congruence. Mark Manson, the author of a book you’ve probably seen in book shops called ’The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F***’, is probably one of the most popular to reject these notions of obnoxious, positivity escapism and incongruent confidence ideas. The Subtle Art and his book for men regarding dating and relationships titled Models have been key since I’ve practiced self-acceptance and let go of toxic self help ideology. 
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change”
- Carl Rogers
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thebrookyworld · 5 years
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Having some ugly feelings. I wouldn’t say this is regret, but definitely just wishing things could be different than they are. I got so annoyed with how many people here in town don’t know I’m doing hrt, I guess because I just expect that sort of thing to circulate and I do get tired of having to re-explain myself. Anyway, I made this glowy, very happy facebook post on an upswing that is all about how wonderful hormones are/have been. It got a lot of attention. It’s like if I play into this trans narrative that is in peoples heads it just makes people respond or something. But if I complain about any of the myriad of things there are to complain about, or I try to teach people something they don’t already know, or I even express mixed feelings about my situation, the reaction is almost nil. It sucks to feel like people will only give a shit about me if I am playing this peppy, bright, transgender narrative where things are wonderful and I’m deeply grateful and all of this. Truthfully there is so much to not be happy about in regards to hrt. I am actually so fortunate to have the medication I have, but the history of transgender medicine is really fucked up, mainly because of cis doctors and psychologists, and the medication isn’t perfect by any stretch of the imagination. Spironolactone especially, is not the most efficient drug ever for trans women but it’s what I have. There are all kinds of really annoying side effects that I am already getting sick of, and I’m not even a full year into this. I am so tired of being tired, and I miss being able to run and run and move without getting exhausted so quickly. I miss the way my body responded to exercise before, and the way I could drop weight so easily. Most cis men have no idea what women have to deal with. Bodies that run on estrogen gain and retain weight so differently. It’s this weird thing where I need and want fat for my breasts and hips to fill out, but I don’t want to be fat, because I have so many other things working against me as a female in this society, like being a giant, being trans, like being 35 and it’s just one more thing to deal with. I have been running more here and there, and I’m trying to get a little more momentum and not have to stop so much. I need to get a sports bra soon, I have been putting it off, but this last time I went running my breast hurt at the end from moving around. One more thing about that happy facebook post I put up was that no trans people liked the post, or at least not very many, and to be honest I would probably hate that kind of post too if it was from somebody else. I don’t know. Like maybe it sounds bragy where everyone doesn’t have the same access to that kind of medical care. It seems like I can’t please everyone no matter how I go about this.  Other things I hate about spiro is the way it effects my sex drive. I can tell that I’m going to have THAT surgery eventually, because I’m not going back to living as a man. The last time I tried to do that I got really close to digging my wrists out of my arms. The way testosterone gets a long with my brain is frankly dangerous. I didn’t necessarily want to change my body so drastically, but I have spent a lot of time with myself seeing how I feel about the changes and searching in myself. Having a more feminized body does feel right, It’s just not without some serious costs. Apparently after the surgery, or after having my testicles removed, I won’t have to take as much spiro and that will be nice, but also my body won’t produce any testosterone at that point. I was about to say that it means the commitment to taking hormones is even more serious at that point, but that isn’t necessarily true. If I don’t take my hormones now, and I’m off them for a month or two, I will fucking kill myself and I won’t be able to help it. The last time it literally felt like I was a demon or something. This is all just to say that I already have to rely on my hormone medication to live. So I cut back on my spiro for a couple days. I have been sweating like crazy, something my body doesn’t do nearly as much on the full dose I have been prescribed. My breasts have gotten a little smaller. But since these are the only tools I have, I have been trying to think of how I want to proceed. Something nice happened today. One of my friends took some pictures for me, for my professional profile online. That was a huge relief. I haven’t felt good about the way I look in a while, just so many of the pictures I have of myself make me feel so ugly and dysphoric. The pictures did look legitimately feminine, and the experience helped me to feel like I can recommit to my process of transitioning medically, I just have to remember why I decided to do this to begin with, and how horrible things were before I started this process. One positive thing to keep in mind is that I can rebuild a lot of my musculature in a more feminine way after I have spent more time in this hrt process, but my body needs to catabolize more of my masculine muscle first, and it’s so exhausting. Also, rebuilding my musculature will be fucking hard, where my body won’t be relying on testosterone. It’s honestly a crime that you don’t get time off for this shit. I just have to keep working through this. Some of the pictures of me were so unrecognizable compared to how I looked just a couple years ago, and some of them looked female, in a way that I wouldn’t have questioned had I not known who they were, and that is an amazing feeling. Especially when my hair is twice as long, most people won’t even know, and after I get my electrolysis done and my body has changed a little more, I think I will be able to move through the world a little more safely. That is another thing I hate having to pay for, but honestly it’s going to be worth it. I’m planning on spending at least $100-$120 per session (to have a quarter sized amount of hair removed) to get this hair burned out of my face. It’s going to take at least a year and a half, and I hear it hurts like hell, but at this point I don’t care. I have been through so much and I can’t wait to have this hair gone. I’m so tired of shaving and I don’t want to have to cover it with foundation. It will probably cost me a couple thousand. My first session is on Saturday and I am sick and tired of waiting for this. I think the main thing is keeping myself eating relatively healthy things, even if I still eat pizza sometimes too, and keeping myself involved in my cardio. I think I’m gonna try and get a spinning bike that I can use in my apartment. That should make a huge difference. I have to limit my running anyway, just because it’s hard on the body. If I had a way to do cardio that didn’t rely on being outside it will be way easier for me to get on my bike and zone out. I was debating trying to get a gym membership somewhere, but the prospect of working out at a gym is just really scary to me at this point. It would be so much easier if I had a girlfriend who’d go with me, ugh. It gets so exhausting dealing with people staring at me all the time in public, although I will admit it’s gotten easier over time, plus I hope I am passing a little more each day. Going to a gym could be a good goal for the next year, so I can rebuild my body in a more feminine fashion, and feel more comfortable in my body in public. I also do love kettlebell workouts and those are things I can do at home right now. I should do one tonight. Blah blah blah. I wish I had more interesting things to talk about. I have been reading so much. I finished Julia Serano’s Whipping Girl. God, I wish everyone had to read that book. It takes apart so much of the way power is understood in relation to gender and sexuality in all sorts of ways. I wish I could give more of a critique of the book, there are generational things about Julia Serano having lived as a crossdresser first that I don’t exactly relate to, mainly because I was nonbinary for a few years before I came out as trans, but I really appreciated learning more about the history of transgender medicine, and I’m very lucky to exist at this point in time. Oh I haven’t finished Parable of the Sower yet, but it’s really good. I’m taking my time with it. It’s so brutal and intense. I also started watching movies again, something I used to really enjoy. I finally saw Taxi Driver for the first time and honestly it was so beautiful. I can’t get over it. I also watched When A Stranger Calls, the one from the 70′s, and I loved that too. Both of these films definitely fit into noir. There’s just something about noir these days that I am relating to so strongly. I also watched Requiem for a Dream and it was more or less what I expected it to be, but I was also kind of bored by it too. The scene near the end where all those women are like performing lewd acts for all these scary business men was not shot at all how I had expected it to be shot. It almost felt like a musical. I guess I imagined the camera being down on the ground with the women, at eye level, and more looking out from their perspective. Aronofsky is kind of boring to me. It’s just funny because I think he was some of the first art house film I ever saw back when I was living in Idaho, but now his stuff just feel so “deep” and it annoys me. I have kind of been going back and thinking about a lot of straight film directors I used to be so obsessed with. I was thinking about that tweet David Lynch wrote to Donald Trump and how weird that was. It just felt so stupid, and wishful, and deeply oblivious to me. I have admired David Lynch for almost 9 years now, and I never thought my feelings about him would wane. It’s just I’m tired of the images and scenarios so many of these great male directors keep doing. I don’t really see what warrants them having such a giant platform when so many of the artists I know are fucking geniuses but they have very little in terms of platform or resources to work with. Even Taxi Driver, which I did enjoy so much, also has me feeling suspicious in some ways too. Like what are the political implications of that film? Anyway. It’s felt good to get back into movies. I am feeding myself as much information as possible. I’m also slowly learning a couple music programs, one that has eluded me for years. I’m trying to be positive about the future, even though I have no idea how I will survive or how I will navigate. So many things are new to me, and while that’s special and magical in a way, the costs for starting over at 35 are steep. I am wanting to travel more. There is so much of the world I want to see, and it’s adding more fuel to the fire for me to get my bottom surgery over with as soon as possible, and to get my gender marker and name changed asap. I also want to go back to school. I don’t know how I’m going to do all of this. All of those things cost money. I probably won’t go back to school honestly, but I really wish that I could. Since I’m going to be acquiring a lot of debt anyway maybe I should just not even think twice about it and just bite the bullet and try do all of this with whatever time I have left. I am taking the next two days off, and I have so much I need to get done before this next week. Hopefully everything will go well.
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im honestly so much better than i thought i was. 
like you have no idea whats going on when ur in the war. you dont know who youre shooting at, what the fuck is happening, who you are - you have no idea. and in this war you go through shit that is like unbearable in some ways and you do it and you dont know how and at the end of the day when its all over youre just left with this massive action that formed every thought you now have and you dont know what any of it really meant. 
but like i have beat myself up for time for not being super amazing totally together. like i dont have a job. my work experience is small. my depression is heavy, heavy, heavy. 
but what i needed to see was someone else who has felt this same loss. i needed a comparison to know that i wasnt as fucked up. even though i lived through all the shit i lived through, even though my mother was dead by the time i was 20, even though my dad died 5 years later - i’ve never been on such levels. 
does that mean im heartless? i dont think so. clearly i am very bothered by these deaths and massive losses in my life. its something i think about everyday all day. but i have dealt with serious ptsd for like.. a decade. 
and i never cracked.
and then on top of this i continued to take huge abuse after the intial trauma stopped about my trauma. and i never cracked. 
no. listen. 
i have no idea how i am here today. i have no idea how there is a man downstairs on heroin kicking the walls and thats not me. how is that not me. i have felt such pain. i have felt such sorrow. but never have i been such a person. literally my worst moments the deepest darkest moments last maybe 10 hours. not because im not prone or i dont feel it as strongly. i feel it so strongly. ive felt all the worst feelings. i feel like im 50 years old bro. its not even just like dead ppl. i saw toooooooooooooooooooooooo much. i know tooooooooooooooo much. 
what is it inside of me that has kept me from making this worse for myself. I COULDVE HAD A BABY. do you know how easy it is to do THAT. its easier to make a baby than buy drugs, really. i couldve had like.. multiple babies. like i look at people and im like omg that couldve been me. and not even like.. oh im better than them its like omg if it wasnt for this like one fucking difference between me an them, i would be that. i would be them. i would have children and do meth an like ...
how in the helllllllll did i do this? this man within two months of a death is so distraught by his grief he cannot function as human towards other. yall i didnt even get drunk. i didnt have time to get drunk. i had real life responsibilities towards myself and other people. while living with a total piece of shit who put holes in my wall. okay. my father dies and im living alone now with a man who put holes in my fathers walls. i try to break up like a week before and i cant because my dad is still in the hospital and everything is so crazy because like we know this man is dieing. 
have you ever watched a man die? have you ever WATCHED a man die? have you ever in your life watched a grown ass man choose to die in human excrement in diapers cant stand cant walk - have you ever in your life watched that?
my ex did. twice. and i had to have that man arrested and to this day i feel guilt about having to do that because he had to experience this trauma as well and he had to handle it however he was going to handle it and he couldnt handle it either. 
i imagine its like the same when you watch someone die of cancer in some ways. like not the exact because theres no choice with cancer. but i guess the question why remains. why did cancer have to befall you. why does cancer exist. why does cancer have to kill you. 
depression killed both of my parents and both of my parents lived with it for AT LEAST 40 years (my father probably longer).both of my parents chose not to do hard drugs. my dad was a very light alcoholic if you could call him one at all - he drank sincerely recreationally but it became a crutch to deal with everything else.
and i even get having the most important person you knew die. and do you understand that i know this so well that i even understand that right now you think that no one else “gets” how important this person was to you. how mighty an great they were because when a very important and beloved person to you dies there is so little room for the negative even though it can rear its head. 
my parents shaped everything i am to this day. they are dead and i absolutely live in the exact EXACt same lifestyle i lived in when they were alive. i changed absolutely nothing about myself in my grief. it has only been literally this year where i have been like okay. its time. and with my mother ... i dint. i i kept a giant GIANT wooden piece of shit box for these people as a symbol of respect when sometimes i really hate them sooo much and i am soooooo angry with them. 
sometimes i forget that im about to be 30 because i feel 15. i feel like when i woke up at 15 except now i am living my nightmares. everyday. and i still wake up everyday, i still try and instead of going batshit insane i took the time to truly explore how i felt about these people and the things that happened to me. instead of just crying about it and being sad and oh no hes dead it was like i knew there was a solution. and i think in some ways its true about my inplanted addiction to instant gratification. an i say this because i did it to myself by using the internet and other things (weed) to instantly satisfy boredom and anger an sadness. what i wanted at the time was to instantly solve how i felt. both times. and not like just make it go away but to “overcome” grief. like i would be enlightened by the grief and oh you know - my mother, shes found her peace now. my father, no longer suffering. its all supposed to happen its all alright. 
and i guess i also in this moment dont want to lie to myself - at 19 i was really unenlightened. at 19 i think i acted ... u know, im having a moment. and its not lke a deep one but i think for like.. maybe 8 years or so i kind of disregarded my ex’s feelings at the time. everything i felt overshadowed it and i kind of gloss over how i cheated on him but “didnt cheat” because i “broke up with him before i di anything” even though i 100% cheated on him. like i spoke the words of breaking up to him before i physically involved myself but it was like a plan between me and this fucking dude sooooooooo its really low and this is like so much shame in my life. i hold so much shame an regret over my actions that i just quickly tell this part of the story of my ex but its pretty bad. and then questionably bad things happened afterwards due to both of our immaturity and insecurities. my life was fucked before she died but i cannot fully say i never hurt someone. i cant say that. thats such a lie to myself. in my grief i did in fact hurt someone else. i disregarded another person and like its soooooooooooooooo hard for me to give any leverage to my mother. like she never made me feel or do anything fuck her. but my main abuser in life died. a person i saw like.. everyday of my life until i was 16. she was soooo important to everything i am today and to be really fair - i’m probably still fucked up because i absolutely refuse to deal with what she did. like i dont want to relive it any more than i already do even though you have to through it to overcome it. 
i smoke weed uner the influence of my father and i think i smoke weed for the same reason he drank - my mother is the reason i smoke weed. for the most part. like im really haunted by my father sometimes but i became so accustomed to this weird life with him that i mostly have like a culture shock where i realize other people didnt do this and then i get over it. sometimes i think about what he looked like when he slept and how it looked like he was dead. sometimes i picture the foot rotting off his body. recently ive pictured the blackheads on his back. they were really bad but not in like im traumatized way - my mother picked at his blackheads and i started doing it an its just a weird gross probably semi normal thing so like even though i have these images sometimes of my fathers illness what i am most haunted by is the words my mother put into my brain. i was brainwashed. i feel brainwashed. and sometimes i repeat scenarios she did. sometimes i do things she did and not like a nostalgic oh i have my mothers traits but like sometimes i lie. sometimes i tell lies. sometimes i have told lies to be able to get someones attention or pity. like not often at all. not even a handful of times in my life have i done this. very spread out. its not common. and its so shameful but i saw my mother do it and she did it pretty well and people would feel sorry for her and give her attention and it wasnt good or deserved in anyway but it worked.
sometimes. sometimes i have exaggerated illnesses. sometimes i have downplayed symptoms i am having. and i do this i think because i was trained to do this. my mother told me i was sick, she told me the symptoms and it was all repeated from there. i have been extremely lucky to have like no major medical issues since i was a child. i have never had to deal with anything happening because im actually pretty physically healthy outside of the toll depression takes on my body. i coud of course quit smoking but i dont have lung issues. i was told i had asthma for 13 years. we had to move. we had to fucking move bro because i had “asthma” and i had to take the inhalers and of course man of course it wasnt ust inhalers it was the fucking plastic tube that somehow made it better you held between the inahler and your mouth. 
to bare it all - i dont even know if im allergic to pine. my mother said i was allergic to pine so no more real christmas trees but what if this bitch was doing it to me. ive never had like extensive exposure to these trees since then. who the fuck knows.
why is it - okay. when i go to the hospital they ask me allergies and i repeat verbatim the same thing my mother said to every doctor i ever met, “sulpha, pencillion, amoxicillin and codiene” 
tell me why as a child i frequently had penicillin and at no point in my memory was there like some reaction upon taking this. and everyone remembers it. we all know the banana flavoured medience. and i remember taking it so many times an then suddenly i didnt  and suddenly it was apart of this list and like maybe i developed an allergy but what if she just decided? how did she find out i was allergic to these other things? i am REPEATING A MANTRA by a woman who nearly killed me using prescription drugs. 
i make alot of excuses. im probably lazy more than depressed because if i was sooo scared i could get tested for my allergies and know for myself. 
do you know how upsetting my birth certificate was? and it wasnt even my mothers fault, it was more my fathers fault. but all these little dumb things and its not like ths is crazy never heard of its small things that other people experience too but they hold so much weight like can someone tell me why my mother stopped spelling her name right? like shortly after my birth she no longer spelt it theresa and spelled it teresa. and i had such a moment at her funeral when i saw her name spelled right and asked why it was wrong. that she had spelled it without an h. her parents were like .. confused and appalled that i suggested she had done this an like of course her name was with an h. and fair enough guys. you are the people who named her. which means it was in my lifetime that it changed. and on legal documents even though she maintained her first real name (mary) she spelled it teresa. but these old documents and the way my father spelled it was theresa. whats in an H? like maybe im crazy right. maybe im just making a big deal out of something small but usually when something lke this occurs its because ssomeone else made the mistake and usually youre a foreigner. like someone wrote your name on an official document wrong and now thats just it. but this woman .. she went to private school like she had to have had official document before 1990. this woman made a concious choice to drop the H in her name. why? was it a choice? did she just like slip up one time and went with it for 19 years after? like did she fuck it up so majorly in some public way that she had to convince other people this is how she spelled her name.
and like its been a really long time. and i dont have a lot of these documents anymore. to be fair, i have like 7 remaining objects of my mothers. i dont even know if i have documents with her writing outside of a wedding guest book from 1980. so sometimes - sometimes she wins. sometimes i think that maybe im wrong. maybe i just think she stopped doing it but like why would i notice this? why would i think about it so much? 
sometimes i try to think really hard about her but i did such a job at blocking her out and smoking away these memories i literally cant remember more than like 10 - 20 memories of her. i spent half of my life with her. closely. and like.. i remember when i was in like grade 3 - 5 because i was walking to a certain school and i remember this is like.. no you know what. i have atleast 5 seperate memories of this and thsi in itself says something - faking sick. i faked sick religiously. and like i knew this bitch would buy it because at this point im a clever angry bitter child with no true subconcious yet. im like i know my mother will buy into sickness - thats who she is- and i wont have to go to school.
so i start the day before at bed. im coughing. im coughing really hard because of my asthma right but im not sick at all im good but im forcing these dog coughs at 2am and she wakes up and its like oh well i guess youre sick and im doing this so often i have a memory of her frustration like she almost almost knew but this was her job and now im playing games. and its like man you trained me to do this but your power was taken and now im using your training against you and all you really wanted was a sick kid. so im giving you all you wanted and none of it is real. and like im aware of this complexity at this point. even really early my father is now pissed at her and they dont trust each other. and theyre fighting about me and shes saying look at this and hes saying this is what you did. this was what my mother did to me. he knew that like i was turning cold because she was cold towards me and he knew it and he was telling her youre doing this to her stop doing this to her and she didnt so it just kept going.
in grade 10 i faked a heart problem. i freely admit this because i feel like its “okay” because it coincides with dropping out of school. but now im desperate. like im so desperate in this depression and my first year was her trying to kill herself and getting kicked out of the house and im like omg i cant do this anymore im not going to school something is going to give even though school is  a relief from home, i was starting to have all these expectations at school academically and socially and i couldnt keep up and something had to give and i couldnt get rid of my parents so i was done.
my father wanted me to “get a job” but it was like... you know. someday youre going to have to get a job. and in my own volition, once my mother had left for a year, i got a job. i was semi comfortable. on my first day of this important job my father became gravelly ill and spent like .. a month in the hospital. and im still going to work. im like 17 years old, everything has gone to shit and im still going to work. and im on the bus everyday crying to my friend that its all so fucking awful and i just want to like party and get high. 
so i started. and i spent all of my earnings on partying and getting high on mdma and k and weed. in one summer. it was like 3 grand or something which is alot of money for me in any time of my life thus far. thats the only time i ever earned a significant amount of money. 
but then i stopped. because within me i knew especially the hard drugs were beginning to do their damage to my body and i was drinking too much and i did carry it on for like a year before my ex put his foot down and i decided i didnt want to be a person in a relationship on drugs like that. we smoked weed and it was fine. 
and like on paper seperately - bratty attitude filled choices. i lied and faked an illness to get out of school, partied while my father was ill. and like i knew this. and in my early 20s i frequently reflected on these choices and actively knew i had to choose other things. was it fun? yes. was i with close loving friends? yes. was i safe? yes. was it the right thing to do? no. and i feel like if i dint make that choice back then i couldve set myself on a better path. but i gave up. i gave up and i give in for this moment and i never fully recovered, i just choose to smoke a shit ton of weed instead. i couldve learned real coping skills but i chose not to and now im almost 30 and i suck, utterly suck, at life. but it could be worse and i could be him. 
we finally spoke - no he answered the call and spoke whatever he wanted to to me still. that he couldnt deal with this and blah blah but its funny i guess as i told a friend i had said my last word were that i was not going to speak to him again. she said he mustve replied because that usually gets him. and its sad i have to resort to feeling like im not going to speak to him again to get any response. and im not being crazy and needy or whatever like you signed up to take care of someone who has major trauma surrounding this issue and you knew this. like in june im crying about how this was my parents fault. i have a whole process i have to go through over the course of my life because like i cant decide randomly one day to face this fear and anxiety. this type of issue has to come up as it will and it may not be a good time for me or anyone else but i now have to face and overcome this issue that is not just a medical problem but DIRECTLY related to my parents neglect. like every time a doctor asks how this happened how many times why has this happened this way i have to explain just the bare bones of how my parents how TWO GROWN PEOPLE thought this was okay TOGETHER and let it go. leaking blood and pus. this is like ... what this cyst has caused me in emotion and mental damage is sooo much morre than the cyst itself. the cyst is simple. knowing the neglect of it caused it to come to such a point that it has to be surgically deal with is painful. how did they fuck this up for me? and its like i couldnt just get surgery at 18. at 18 i didnt have a flare up. i have to wait for the flare up to deal and im like just dealing with it as it comes you know because its normal and i guess every few years i have to get this thing lanced thas just who i am now? i guess? but could be worse. could be wayyyy worse. like it coul be on my face, first of all. it could be like in my labia and i would have ppl touching my labia and doing things. it cou be on my actual butthole. it could reoccur every week. every month. 
eventually i got a few moments to speak a full thought and i told him it was extremely important to me to have someone capable of dealing with the worst of my anxieties and traumas before during and after this incredibly important moment i am about to face and optimistically overcome. i just know i will be very not okay about it. i know this, i did this by myself its not even like im playing it up for others like im by myself in public sobbing soo hard they cannot take proper vitals. thats how much this is for me. i will not have someone be neglectful or judgemental or take away my right to feel the way i have to feel in order to break through this. like im not taking away anything from anyone else, i’m just laying out what is require and if you can do that, then fine, but if you cant then no im not going through with this.
he made a weak argument and i explained that the last time i had to deal with major medical hospital things was my mother. so i am not okay with this and i am freaking out and this instability hes displaying completely on his own makes me question what im doing. and he continued to rattle off these excuses and started into “you want to talk about traumas, what about ...” and i just turned the phone away and waited until he was finished because you cannot tell me that im not allowed to feel any sort of ways about anything or talk about my mental illness or the things ive gone through and immediately launch into your own. there is give and take and youve already taken everything im willing to give now. he says i have to give him a straight answer because he needs stability and to figure out what hes going to do. 
.......
to live with this, i have every right to feel depressed and uncomfortable and unhappy. 
i need to begin the process of mentally letting him go. i want to feel free to talk to random people and open myself up to random people and experiences and i dont want to even think about anything with him. like honestly, there is no future with him or associated with him. he cant fix some of these things, its not going to happen. and im going to allow him and give him opportunities in the future to still be shitty to me. and future me needs to understand that this is just proof for why i have to let it go. 
and like im frustrated - in my perfect world ive abandoned this dream because ive found something better an more fulfilling to me. its so hard to abandon something without anything else. and like i get really aggravated when im in my i dont know what the fuck to do moments. and eventually i find something - anything - and i really try to put myself into it. like that becomes my new job because im trying out all these roles in life and maybe this one leads to something. like i enjoyed jewelry, a lot. but ike i wanted something bigger and grander and to be apart of something and like i guess build on the jewelry. like i went from collecting bones in a forest by myself to showing in an art gallery and going to receptions and making new friends - i like the beginning of my art career story. its glamorous and hopeful. 
and then i thought like i could be more than an artist. i could have a gallery or a studio, i could curate shows, do events - i could contribute to the arts and culture in the city and possibly resolve or find resolution for some of these issues. and i learned like.. a lot about art. i basically forced a semester of art history and basic art techniques down my throat and practiced daily. i wanted to feel knowledgable and professional and like prepared to take on the 1%
and i just lost that. like i built that for myself, by the way. thats not off the back of a man or relationship. amongst all my shit, i created a very minor artistic career. and i was / am well respected for my dedication and quality and like ... i really received a lot of praise. i got very little known hatred towards me. my shit was good enough it sort of overtook an ex friends venture an made her jealous. i was the first person in the city hands down to create a website dedicated to arts in the city. like maybe in 10 years there will be 50 more but i was the first. i was the one who knew how to do it. i left just a tiny make with my minor career. that i built. by myself. in the 5 years before and after my dads death. 
but its not that like i dont “want” to do that anymore. i think i do? but the city is not about it. the numbers to bring people out are small. the money is non existant. the quality of talent is not great. i think if i had entered a more viable scene i couldve graduated from what i was doing but as it stands its just not going to happen. and making money from art is really hard and no one respects a person who just paints unless theyre like the most amazing artist and i guess really i have nothing i want to say anymore. ive tried to express alot of things through art and things are left unfinished. im just ... not an artist like that. 
but im not even like mad at myself for it - 20s are your time to find yourself. im not an artist. and maybe i wont be a wildwoman land developer either. i know that if i could decide on something, if i could find something i actually cared about that i could achieve it. it would literally me be just saying 100% doing this and it being done soon after. no games. no waiting around. if i really wanted it i would invest everything i have into it. i know that. 
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this was a really confusing shitty moment for me in my life, to be honest. 
i feel kind of vindicated but i dont? it’s really hard to seperate some of what he’s saying and maybe its just really hard to accept “it is what it is”. 
i dont feel like he loves me but i have the freedom to “feel like” he loves me while finding someone who does actually. like - no. i mean. i dont know. i dont know. i guess none of it matters. but it does because i now have this person in my life but like do i have this person in my life? to what capacity? am i allowed to have friends i see everyday? what are they to me? 
should i just go to work and come home and ignore all of it. 
i guess the whole thing is to stop questioning it and just let it be what it is but i dont know i dont get it. 
i guess also right now especially for the past 6 months ive been doing nothing. and my friend tried to kind of praise me for all these little accomplishments and it’s so trivial and what shoul i believe you know is my brain chemistry this way did trauma scar how i’d function an i have to work to train it differently? 
i’ve literally not cared at all and kind of depended on him to give me a purpose which is unhealthy but when you put really high stakes like a persons will to live then you kind of feel the need to stick around. 
not that that summarizes why he would have me in his life but it’s an added stresser to being in someones life. 
he’s leaving though. he’s just leaving. i wont be going with him. he said, “well you said you’d follow me and i want you in my life. you can do what you want.” i asked, “how can i possibly follow you? like i’m a seperate entity just following you around. we’ve never explained the logistics of when i’d have any opportunity to be apart of your future” 
to which he replied, “we’ll always be seperate entities. but i don’t want to feel like i’m dragging you with me or being weighed down in a responibility for you.”
i “get it”. i couldn’t explain like - would i travel in the same fucking vehicle as you? or am i just responsible for getting myself place to place? like this is something i would be willing to commit myself to because not a lot of people would want to do someting like this or dedicate themselves to it and i’ve lived an unconventional life by the means of other people and i think it’s fair to be able to choose to live one by the means of myself. 
no matter what, i have to improve myself though. but i guess if i thought i was “leaving” i would take different steps in my self improvement to prepare for a different journey in the long term. 
i spent two years kind of on that precipice. self improvement can happen at all stages in life in many ways and when you can see the journey you’re going to take, you can prepare. 
i know that if i continued to be in his life in any way while trying to better my life, it would be detrimental to the process because once he leaves on his “i dont know what i’m doing with my life journey” i’m probably never going to talk to him again simply out of spite and complete disinterest. like i know i will be so internally hurt that i will choose to just never talk to him again. i would never talk to my oshawa ex again. like if he tried to talk to me and tell me about his life which we already tried to do - i dont care. i literally just dont care. why the fuck do i care getting random ass phone calls or texts from you about your life? you are not like some long term friend. okay to ME i would choose not to be long term friends. 
why? because i never got what i wanted or needed from that person for whatever reason we stopped our initial closeness for so why should i maintain an interest in their life?
if he leaves with no care of how i’d logistically be in his life if i chose to follow him i would not have gotten what i wanted and needed from this relationship.
can i get that or should i just let it go? i guess i’m really at a “should i stay or go now” situation. will staying result in the same thing as the going now result but just taking a longer time to get there? or will i eventually communicate something to him that shows that i want to make an effort. 
i feel stubborn. i feel like i know exactly what to do and how to do it and if i “wanted to” i could probably stop a majority of these really lazy and fruitless wasted efforts of “life” things. like just laying around. i can’t prove that to him without making an effort to actually do that in a significant way but if i move the mountains of my depression to make an effort that still leads to the same outcome because i was never logistically accounted for even as a guest so any effort i made would never lead me to be prepared. 
like what if i just got rid of all my things? gave up the cats? worked my ass off and saved every penny for two months? but i’m just ... left here. then i’d had mde these “life improvements” to no greater gain but like.. momentary satisfaction which leads to just replacing my shit with money i saved and regretting the fate of my cats because i’m super lonely. 
what if i keep the cats, slowly work on getting a little part time job, “go to yoga” - what do i get from his support of me doing this in that moment when it eventually leads to the same result whre i’m left behind and i get phone calls and pictures and messages about what he’s doing and i have to pretend like i care when i was just left behind without any real care but i have a job and i “go to yoga” so my life is “improved” and i guess makes it all the more easier to not give a damn about something thats so obviously unhealthy to begin with. how can i be in his life? 
i guess it’s kind of funny. maybe i was projecting my own feelings on to him and i guess it’s not something we regularly consider to be in my thought capacity but like, does he think i would care about him in this scenario? i don’t give a fuck what my distant ass relatives are doing with their time. that’s like a brief phone call every two years for me. 
i think i was really mentally unprepared to enter this situation tonight. i also think i was thrown for a curveball because i had negative expectations which didn’t play out like i thought it would and in some ways it was kind of positive. but because i was mentally unprepared i reacted in the way i would react in any overwhelming scenario - it’s panic and sobbing. i guess since i have more questions that this could conceivably extend to a second part of hanging out. but like i cant ask can i come along ill do this and this without presenting the proof of even the ability to produce anything on that level. i’m literally just saying believe in me, i can do this. like”give me a shot on the field coach, i’m ready”. i suppose i can ask outright can i come with you because i think the phrasing “ill follow you” is too vague. 
all of this says i still want to be with him and right now in these really overwhelmingly stressful times i have literally no idea why i woul an can’t even recall anything of merit he did that dictates that i should “follow” this man anywhere. 
you know, regardless, i need to “get a job”. there is “nothing wrong with” getting a job. im literally just putting air quotes because i’m upset it “leads to nothing” but really it is a postiive to just get a job even if i dint give a shit about the money. but the i’d also have money. and my life would improve. 
is it unhealthy to talk to him to help make myself more comfortable for a second in person meeting where i can pose such questions? i mean i cant ATLEAST be a sobbing mess. the question is difficult enough to pose. 
is this even a thing i want to do to make myself happy? just essentially follow this person’s whims as they try to rediscover themselves? it’s romantic and adventerous and stupid an crazy and i guess it makes me feel like if i cant conjure this up in myself because i just dont have the passion towards the multitue of experiences in life and wouldn’t seek them out myself then maybe i can follow someone else? 
i do love him, a lot. it’s really hard to cut off communication with him; i want to talk to him. i want to explore my newfound freedom of communication with him. like i feel more comfortable now that i’ve sai what i wanted to say. like i think it was the worst of all i could say. and i am now an embarassing sobbing gross mess so like where can i go from here. 
it’s really hard to just focus on myself. i know how to be alone but i dont know how to love myself. i think im a heavily flawed person both inside and out and i think alot of my behavior does badly effect the people i’m aroun and it can become like a chain reaction where it effects one person and then everyone close to them. but im stuck in a loop - i hate myself too much to “help myself”. to put in the effort i need to do to make my life better. i was not just programmed to hate myself but i began to loathe the behviors i coul see that were programmed by them so the hatred grew stronger. 
that hatred is now the core definition of my character and when i interact with anyone or anything or try to do anything, this character takes over and with blatant disregard fucks my own attempts at doing better. but it’s still me. i still have to reprogram these behaviors that come from such deep hatred of myself. an theyre so large and so deep - i dont care about how i live or how i’m going to eat or feed myself or what quality of food i eat, i dont care about keeping up my own personal hygiene, i dont care about the fact i put up with completely out of the norm situations by living here, i dont care about any prior interests nor do i care about building new ones. i watch endless amount of “informative” programs as if that’s somehow better. like it justifies me spending like.. most of my waking hours doing this. its “educational”. 
i essentally live like a crackhead and i dont even do hard drugs. there is a reason i am here and i could very well have him apart of my life to better fulfill the level of self hatred i have to put myself through something i wouldnt have to experience with someone else. i want to feel like shit. i put salt in the wounds. i poke the bear. i make the wrong moves to get the wrong reactions so i can continue the cycle. 
how can i improve? do i live in the now or do i plan for a “better tomorrow”? i mean - i guess as a human i just have that choice and it’s whatever works for me. maybe i can choose what kind of person i want to be. do i want to be a live in the now person or a better tomorrow one? is living in the now compulsive behavior? is planning making me better prepared or rigid/comfortable in routine? maybe it puts restrictions on the expecations of myself? like i feel especially shit so i plan for low energy things when i had the ability to achieve more? it’s like why do the work when i’ve already planned the “easy way out”. it could take a bit of both but whats the right balance? 
i want to say like i’ll do this and this tomorrow but maybe it’ll lock me in and i wont want to do that but i couldve done something else but instead i’m bummed i dont feel like tackling those tasks today.maybe it’s just a general knowlege of things that could be done in any moments. 
when i was a kid i dropped 50lbs because i was tired of being fat and put myself on a strict but okay diet. like i still got decent nutrition but i was just tired of being fat from overeating and i just ecided to stop and i did. this is one of the crowning moments in my battle against self hatred. now its used once again in my self hatred but on the opposite spectrum.i have a lot of battles to face and some of them ill hve to face multiple times before i beat them. 
it’s really an odd feeling to have to forcefully make myself accept that i’m going to do better than this while kind of begrudging the idea. like i have no false hope that people tend to have when theyre like ‘oh im starting this diet im really excited about it’.i’m not excited about the prospect of facing these battles because my self hatred’s uphill battle (instead of the disgusting collapse of everything you are) of “self love” is filled wit humiliation. could be another battle i have to overcome but i’ve already faced enough humilation for the year. ill still do it but im sad it will become a lingering cloud. 
i guess the one thing i can do in planning for a better tomorrow is to only allow myself so much time to think about the relationship stuff. or lack there of. or maybe its there. i dont know. whatever it was/is we parted ways with a hug and i love you so no matter how much time i take to think about anything, it’s open for me to have a positive experience with him. it’s going to be beneficial in all ways to break the habit of thinking about him or anything “we” could do together. we loved eachother and the overwhelming feeling is that no matter how mch time i spend thinking about it or asking questions its probably not going to work out. sometimes that happens. the sooner i put it ou of my mind, the sooner i can just get over it and move on to the next era of my life with new/different people. i was already doing that in some ways before i stepped into all this. 
i guess i feel weird as well because he offered to pay for a month of yoga classes. i dont think that gives me the drive to go to it. i ca definitely see myself not going just because its cold. i can also see myself hating the people who attend a yoga class and choos to be involved in the community surrounding yoga. it’s not really my type of vibe. but if i turn down that; which coulve been as simple as going to a yoga class, then i should probably produce something on level. but maybe it was a way to get me involved in his positive activity so we could manage positive experiences together. to prove i could come through. 
i am ready to interact with people i’m just not ready to have that sort of interaction. the weirdness of group stretching. i think it’s okay if yoga is a private practice i dont pay for. 
lets not forget i taught myself how to draw and entered a community i knew no one in a few years ago. i had the initiative once before. 
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