#I am dreadfully familiar with this certain flavour of existing where i feel so cold and unknown right next to someone because they just dont

[feralhogs]

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#Vent vent #Chatty #And its the most aggravating that she uses all the moral sounding arguments that totally do not apply! Like calling stuff toxic #I was literally so fucking civil to her. What would a decent fucking person do? #Oh shit. What did i do? Can i fix the problem? Are you okay? Nope. We go right to the blowup #I know theyre all fucking symptoms or whatever i literally do not care at this point. Theyre her symptoms not mine! #Why should I pay the price? #And there goes all my patience loyalty forgiveness understanding therapisting momming from the year I roomed with her #I did nothing for her. I didnt care about her. Apparently. #She was being patient with me. You know when she was shitting all over any dream i told her about #I feel like such a robot being so technical about this but its because i have never been safe enough to really be warm and open with her #And if i was warm and open it was really stupid of me like throwing pearls before swine and being deliberately blind to reality... #I am dreadfully familiar with this certain flavour of existing where i feel so cold and unknown right next to someone because they just dont #Have it in them to see you or ask how youre doing or anything and deep down you believe #Im not loved and its true! You arent loved by that person. And this family member who is supposed to really really be there for you loves yo #U less than a stranger on the street and you have to tell yourself no this is love #Just a different kind you have to lie to yourself #And feel like I guess this is my life now #And i feel small and doomed and resigned to the isolation which i guess is how i got thru it as a child... #What a load of disgusting people. They are not worth it. I dont want to be a bleeding heart anymore and give them little scraps of having a #Corteous relationship with me because its like the universe patting them on the head and saying you did a good job see? #Is that worth a week of troubled dreams? #They could play pretend in their delusion so I could have shitty dreams? #Hmmmmm literally none of it is my problem #My parents mental cage of denial not my problem #Thats their puzzle to go to pains to put together isnt it? #Is my sister getting a powerpoint of how shes ruined my life? Noooo that would make it way too easy for her. No answer key for these people. #I could! But i wont. #I could worry and caretake! And dim my opinions to soothe them! But i wont.