#I am going to spend that week doing nothing and it is going to be wonderful

[wormdebut]

LET DOWN AND HANGING AROUND (CRUSHED LIKE A BUG IN THE GROUND)

Ahoy! This is my first VERY LATE ficlet for @corrodedcoffinfest ! My absolute bad for being so late, but BOY am I HAPPY TO BE HERE!

Warm Up Prompt One: Taxed. Word Count: 1000 (scrivener says 1000 Wordcounter says 979. IDK Man, it’s within limit), Rating: T, Pairing: None, CW: Swears, Smoking, Angst Tags: Eddie, Gareth, Jeff, Freak

----

October 1987

They've been at this for fucking years. Eddie feels like a fucking girl scout.

'Well hello there Mr. Music Man, would you like to buy a box of shitty garage band metal?'

Except they weren't fucking shitty. All of the guys had been working their assess off, writing, playing shows, shitty gig after shitty gig after shitty gig.

But they haven't managed anything. Nothing, zilch, nada.

They had a small crowd showing up at the Hideout, and the owner, Benny, started letting them play not only their usual Tuesday but because Eddie had been helping him with placehe was letting them play Saturday nights now too, which was great because while he appreciates the likes of his uncle and Wayne's best friends on Tuesdays, there were almost twenty people every Saturday night and that was something.

They also had a standing gig at a bar in Indianapolis at least once a month, lately they've been playing The Barrel every other week and Eddie thought--he thought--that that would get them somewhere.

The guys were fucking exhausted but Eddie kept pushing because they could do this. Corroded Coffin was great. They were great and somebody was going to see that…right?

Eddie saw what they had. He did. But the guys--

"C'mon Ed, we can't keep sneaking Gareth into bars forever. I think we need to--maybe consider other options or--" Jeff rambles. They were supposed to be practicing but Jeff Williams had to swoop inwith his stupid common sense bullshit. Jeff motherfucking Williams is one of the best guitarists Eddie has ever had to the privilege of listening to, but Jeff wants to go college like a real boy!

Gareth cuts him off, "It's just the two bars man, and I have a fake, if I need it anyw--"

Would you look at that, it's time for Freddy to cut in. "Yeah, but you're three feet tall and have the face of a newborn child."

Gareth shoves at Freddy's chest. "Oh fuck off, man. At least I'm not a virgin!" He yelps and great. This is great.

Now the band is fighting, again, because Jeff wants to go to College, Goodie is a Virgin, and Gareth is short.

Eddie just want to play music.

If they all want to yell, Eddie can yell louder. "See. Do you see what happens when you start talking about 'other options' Jeff? Chaos--and not the fun kind!"

"See, Eddie--this is the fucking problem with you. All you care about is your music, your dream, It's all about you!"

Jeff is yelling at Eddie, Gareth and Freak are rough housing, how did this even happen. All Eddie wants is to do something. Be something. He believes in this, in Jeff, and Freddy and Gareth, in the band.

And he gets that everyone is taxed, tired. Eddie is fucking exhausted. Gareth is trying to not fail his senior year. He gets it, he does, but-- "You know what, Jeff?" His voice breaks, and isn't that fucking humiliating? "Some of us, don't have college as an option. Did you ever consider that?"

Eddie leans over and grabs his cigarettes from the table, before shoulder checking Jeff as he leaves.

——

What’s the fucking point? Eddie puts everything into lyrics that people probably don't even know, all of them spend hours writing and harmonizing, making sure chords make sense, just for everything to be a pipe dream. They haven't taken a break for anything. It's either work or school or Coffin Shit. They haven't played D&D in months. They've just been doing this.

But it's all Eddie has. How the hell was he ever going to get out of shitty ass Hawkins, if it wasn't this way? He didn't exactly ace his finals--even the third time around. Honestly? He's pretty sure they just let him pass, to get him the fuck out of there.

He lights up what feels like his eighth cigarette--it's not, it's his second--and stares out to the empty street. They use Gareth's garage to practice…for being as straight laced as she is, Ms. Emerson sure does believe in the band.

Dottie Emerson and Eddie. God dammit, maybe Jeff is right.

He should go back, he should go back and apologize, and let this go. He has the job at the Hideout, he can save and maybe move to Indy--play an acoustic at some bars or…something.

God, he's just so tired of this shit.

He finishes his cigarette, and tries to breathe. Breathe in--hold--breathe out--he doesn't realizes Jeff until he taps his shoulder.

"Hey." Jeff says, quiet. Eddie, just nods, grabs his pack and offers a cancer-filled olive branch. Jeff takes it.

Eddie doesn't say anything. Doesn't want to, doesn't know what he should say.

So Jeff does. "I'm sorry, Ed. I didn't mean to make you upset. I'm just fucking tired man, we all are and I do want this, I do, but it's fucking scary." Eddie turns, watches Jeff blow out smoke. "I got accepted to IU, did you know that?"

Eddie blinks. He did not know that. "No, you hadn't mentioned it."

Jeff turns to look at him, "I didn't want this to happen."

Eddie closes his eyes, takes in a deep breath. In--hold--out. "You should go." He forces a smile, watches as Jeff's eyes shine for a moment--no wonder he had that silly crush on him his second senior year, but it was only for like a week, leave it alone--before he srunches his face up, Eddie can't help but laugh. Jeff always does that, when he's stressed. It makes him look like a rabbit.

Jeff goes to speak, but Eddie cuts him off. "Let's do this Halloween show, it'll be our going away gift to our tens of adoring fans."

Jeff laughs at that, nods, and pulls Eddie into a hug.

Everything will be fine, with or without Corroded Coffin.

#worm brain #everyone buckle up cause I'm determined to knock all of these out #they will follow a story line BUT also stand alone #so note that even though eddie thinks this is the end thats a big fat lie #Steve is out there somewhere #and so will Corroded Coffin being famous as fuck #I promise #eddie munson #stranger thing #stranger things ficlet #pre steddie #cause BOY WILL THEY BE HERE #Corroded Coffin #All the boys. They are all here and they be fighting #corrrodedcoffinfest #worm coffin verse

[willowser]

willow have u ever seen the movie ‘13 going on 30?’ bc i just rewatched it last night and it gave me nerd bakugou brainrot 😩😩

like he’s your neighbor and he’s in love with you but you’re just…. your head is in the clouds and you can’t see what’s right in front of you 🥺 and something brings you crashing down, and you wish yourself into an alternate future, where all the hard, embarrassing teenage years are far behind you and you got everything you thought you wanted.

but— in those skipped-over years, you’d left katsuki behind 🥺 traded movie nights and dnd campaigns with him for parties with the in crowd. it’s funny— the more people see you,, the less you he sees. he barely recognizes you, but it doesn’t stop him from watching from afar. catching glimpses of you through the windows still makes his heart race; watching you get picked up for a date by the goddamn golden boy makes it ache.

going to college is a relief. he’s almost managed to forget about you (except for the occasional comment from his mother that sting less and less as the years pass) until you show up at his doorstep, confused and panicked and calling him by the kiddie nickname he hasn’t heard since you stopped speaking in seventh grade. he has half the mind to take you to the hospital, get you checked for a concussion or retrograde amnesia.

meanwhile… you’re realizing all the things you’ve been longing for aren’t right for you. and chasing after them will condemn you to a life of being lonely and disingenuous. you don’t need to be liked by everyone—you need to be loved by one person. now you just have to find a way to fix it 🥺🥺

🥺🥺🥺

#literally NOTHING add to this because i'm so obsessed with it alfjahgahga #as usual JORDAN YOU ARE MY MUSE #i'm SICK in the head over this #nerd bakugou STOOOPPPP #especially if he's engaged to someone else #i'm actually crying real literal tears right now jordan i'm going insane #you spend the week together and something silly probably happens like he loses all his contacts and has to wear his glasses again #and suddenly you two are just how you always were — just in a different time #a wrong time #literally jordan i am digging my own grave how could you do this to me WAAAAAHHHH #why are you always such a genius #✿ ask willow #✿ recs

[gideonisms]

explaining my lifestyle: no see this looks like horrible depression but I actually feel much better than I did when I was putting work into improving myself ♥️

#my apartment looks fine and average and my grades are fine and average #my skin looks fine and average my clothing is just okay my relationships aren't in the trash fire #yes i spend 10-12 hours a day zoning out or doing stuff unrelated to anything i'm supposed to be doing #yes i only leave this apt a few times a week #yes i struggle to eat enough sleep at consistent times and turn stuff in on time #but being kind of dysfunctional is incredibly relaxing #i go to bed actively hoping i'll wake up! like i will be there going oh hope i get to live the whole year/decade/next fifty years so i can #do my fun activities! #idk if this is actually true but it *feels* like the very first time since i was 18 that nothing is on fire #love to not be actively on fire #i think everyone should experience 'oh man i've been exhausted for a decade and i am going to spend most of a year being weird about it' #you truly have to work it out of your system it makes you hateful and anxious otherwise

[emiliosandozsequence]

been toying around with the idea of making a sideblog purely for reading stuff for a while now. i want a place to be unhinged about what i'm reading

#it takes me about a month to finish a book reading a chapter every other day #but that's bc i'm chronically ill; mentally ill; & traumatized & am going through a lot at any given time & can only focus for so long #(i used to be able to finish books in a week and read 50 pages a day fucking rip) #but i love reading and talking about what i'm reading so i just might; idk if anyone would follow that blog but yeah #the Only reason i don't spend all of my time reading is bc of my disabilities & adhd; otherwise i literally would do nothing else #emilio.txt

[isa-ah]

man

#my mil has had me buying groceries for the whole house for weeks even tho i make less than $200 most weeks and she makes $80k/y #so weve been constantly on the cliffside of having absolutely nothing to eat in the house bc i cant AFFORD to feed 3 adults #and then when i DO get food she eats our stuff as much as she eats what i bought for her so im just #so fucking hungry all the time #which is the case rn im so so hungry but wtf am i even going to eat at this point #were out of produce out of potatoes out of frozen food out of beans like #brooggghhh #im so hungry 💀 but i have less than $100 which means the delivery and tip fees make ordering Worthless until i have more money to spend #stupid evil system i hate it here #i had blissful dreams about grocery shopping fat stacks and cooking for friends lastnight

[crinkle-eyed-boo]

Sunday Snippet

I was tagged by @kingsofeverything to share a snippet of my WIP. I have made actual genuine progress on Arise, Fair Sun this past week and I’m so excited that things feel like they are clicking. I’ve had this particular moment in mind for AGES, so it was very satisfying to finally get it down. 

“Do you even know how to salsa, Louis?” Harry challenges. 

“I know enough,” Louis says blithely. “I was a guest judge for a few episodes of Dancing with the Stars a couple years ago, it’s impossible not to pick some stuff up. Did you watch?” 

“I prefer So You Think You Can Dance.” 

(Of course he watched. But Louis doesn’t need to know that.) 

“I should have known you would prefer the one with trained dancers.” Louis rolls his eyes, falling for Harry’s ploy hook, line, and sinker. “Typical.” 

“Many of the hip-hop and street dancers aren’t trained!” Harry protests. “And most of the time everyone is dancing outside of their usual styles.” 

“Dancing with the Stars is all about people discovering that they can dance,” Louis counters, pushing back from the table. “There’s a certain joy in watching that.” 

“Yeah, and how many of them keep dancing after the Mirrorball Trophy is handed out?” Harry volleys back. “Meanwhile, do you know how many So You Think You Can Dance alums are working dancers?” 

“Many of them as pros on Dancing with the Stars,” Louis smirks as he stands, slowly making his way around to Harry’s side of the table, like a tiger stalking its prey. “You have to admit those pro dancers are the best in the business.” 

“Well, of course they are,” Harry replies, tracking Louis’ movements, his heart rate kicking up a notch. “Which is why it’s a bit of a waste that they spend like twenty weeks out of the year teaching like, the latest Bachelorette or some other washed up reality star how to cha-cha–”

“Harry.” 

Harry’s breath hitches as Louis rests one hand on the back of Harry’s chair, his fingertips brushing a spot between his shoulder blades. He places his other hand on the table, looming over Harry, crowding in his personal space. 

“Y-yeah?” Harry stammers, looking up at him. 

Louis’ eyes flick down to his lips, lingering there a smidge too long to be unintentional. Harry presses his lips together instinctively, wetting them. 

“For once in your life,” Louis says, ducking down, his lips brushing the shell of his ear, sending goosebumps rippling up his arms. “Stop fighting me.”

WHEEEEEEEE. Tagging @disgruntledkittenface @louandhazaf @neondiamond @greenfeelings @allwaswell16 @sadaveniren @lovingstheantidote @indiaalphawhiskey @myfineline @uhoh-but-yeah-alright @brightgolden @fallinglikethis @becomeawendybird @absoloutenonsense and @daggerandrose if you want to share

#Arise Fair Sun #the things that happen to your brain #when you take a week off #and spend a couple days #doing nothing #to completely empty out your brain #10/10 recommend #anyway even I am screaming JUST KISS #they're going to soon!

[sleevebuscemii]

.

#i hate how wishy washy my social life is in this city like. #like everything has to be Planned and is a Thing and it’s like. i don’t want to go to a fancy group dinner #or get invited to a birthday party #i just want someone who will go to target with me #or come over and keep me company while i do laundry and then get tacos after like. #something that Actually feels intimate…idk #but now its like. i either go to this fancy dinner with a big group (who are mostly couples) and at least have something to do today #or. i spend my saturday alone. #like even the friends i have 1 on 1 its like. plans have to be made in advance if we wanna go get coffee or something #like nothing is just. spontaneous and casual its alk a Thing #but also like fuck. i just spent whole week at work alone i don’t wanna be alone in my weekend too like fuuuuuck this #and its like. i can’t help but feel like its my fault but i know its been hard because i work remote so im so fucking isolated #sometimes i think i should just move home but i know thatll just make me feel like i failed #at like. moving to a big city and making it work #but also i know its not just me like lonely city by olivia laing blah blah blah but goddddddd #i am a social creature!!!! i want to be around people!!!!! but in a meaningful and fulfilling way!!!!!!! #anyway thats my therapy session for today see u next time #m

[jimmy3shoes]

i need to get out of this house so so bad

#snac munches #don't open tags i'm ve/nting ok #432462464362 #231321421421 #43243242352 #etc. to block it #sorry if these are actual tags somehow. my bad #i will not go into details but this blogger may not be here by the week #literally just staying in this house with 3 other people #staying in 1 room all day #no job no money no food friends moved on #like what do i even do #my mom is the only one of those 3 that talks to me and it's never about me #never [how are you feeling] [do you wanna go out] [wanna do something together?] #just about my future so much pressure GOD #i never thought i'd have one of those i thought i'd be dead before 16 #Can i have a moment. Pelase #and i TRY i try to get out of my room #i spend time with my mom but it's so one-sided #i listen to her when she talks and i watch shows with her and go places she likes #the moment i bring up one of my interests she brings out her phone or goes [i wasn't listening what?] #Mann I Couldn't even get anything for my birthday sobbing #And now that i think abt it my mom didn't get me anything either?? i get that we're short on money but like #i didn't even get a [happy birthday] #And we've been infested with beetles for 4 YEARS nothing's been done #I am at my limit fr #a2t #<- jic

[confetti-critter]

The night is young and I am free to do whatever my heart desires but unfortunately I have once again found myself trapped in the Time Prison and so I

#the good old 'I don't feel like doing anything including doing nothing and I want to go to bed but I know I'm not tired' #WEH. #I'm enjoying typing but I don't want to commit to practicing typing for real so I'm just making excuses to type more #I was looking at custom ESC keycaps because I was thinking about that whole community of ppl obsessed with keyboards and like I get it I #like the clicky clacking and keyboards can look so pretty but some of those key caps man wtf. #why would you want 3D transparent donald duck ESC key from temu what is wrong with you #saw a set of key caps that were little kittys with little kitty ears n I was like fuuuuuuuuuck #49.00 USD probably 100000 CAD+shipping goto helllll #I was thinking about what if I had like confetti keycaps and a custom kittycake esc key or like an actual little cake and matching desk mat #or even just a new cute mousepad cuz mine is old as fuck and I spilled vegetable cream stew on it once #and then I was thinking like sighhh and wouldn't it be cool to have arcade carpet on the stairs leading down to my basement hovel and #rainbow lights along the ceiling corners and what if I painting my bedroom like I wanted to do and sighhhhh #I haven't been wasting my money buying shit like that but I'm thinking about it again. #but the same thing stopping me from doing anything at all is stopping me from wasting my money which like that's good I guess??????? #gosh I really like typing why did I stop doing daily typing practice #oh yea The Thing Stopping Me From Doing Anything At All #meow meowm meow meow meow #ok I really gotta tear myself away from my computer and brush my teethses and try going to bed #I already played minecraft earlier it's fine I didn't do NOTHING tonight it just feels like I did #and tomorrow is another day #and next week is a short work week thank fucking christ almighty #literally cuz its easter sunday and he was in that tomb but he escaped or whatever he did #thanks jeezy boy #you maybe shoulda milked it for like half a week at least #moved the big ass boulder like have an inch at a time #*pause for laughter* #that s from my new stand up comedy routine do uiuop like it djfskll;askjdgflksjdflksajdflksjdf the dsjalkjfolidasfgjoiweljsdalkjflskdjflak #meowww #I am the only one I know on here who 'talks' this fucking much about absolutely nothing #I do all this and my poor followers can click read more and spend time reading alllllll this garbage

[spiked-mall-goth]

heyyyyyy <3 <3 i feel terrible.

i had planned to stay off longer but i genuinely have had like three nervous breakdowns since i left bc right as i decided it was abt time i just chill for a little bit everything started happening all at once. so i came back to see my silly little internet friends, but like the second i logged back on some ppl were talking smack abt me sooooooooo... ya know. my day (two weeks) be so fine,, then BOOM my entire schedule fills up and i become hollow on the inside! (hey sorry like vent post n tags i need to get things out of my brain)

#spikes rambles #i was happy there for a minute too :< #heres what its looking like rn.... #i have three weddings. one of which i am a bridesmaid for and was left to get my own dress #but i cant afford a nice dress that matches. so i have to make one my damn self. and in two weeks. #i have a graduation.. and a graduation party both for different ppl #even tho i had to push back my own graduation by a full year bc things were just not going as planned. and now everyone thinks im a failure #im volunteering to teach at a kids summer camp like thingy. i was supposed to have a partner but i was told that she actually #wants nothing to do with me and was forced into this but i was under the impression that we would be teaching TOGETHER #and not her being an assistant. so now i have to call her and be like heyyyyy what the fuck is going on i need to know the lesson plan #im also volunteering for a church summer thing. if i could i wouldnt be doing this but my self made mother figure asked me personally #to help and i cant say no to this. we get to hang out and i get to paint like murals and shit and we've been doing this together for years #i have to spend the weekend with my bio mother to go to a celtic festival thing bc my younger brother wants to go. #i'm having some pretty severe best friend problems which i am honestly not well equipped enough to deal with and its eating me away inside #summer has officially started here so that means 24/7 headaches and sensory problems. straight up category 5 autism moments #i had to pick up the slack and become a paternal figure to my youngest brother. which is just sad that i have to at all #my dear beloved friend is trying very hard to make a young adult like hangout (???) thing in own town and really wants me to go #but i just dont wanna. i dont really care for social gatherings #hey guys btw all this has happened or was planned for next month in the two weeks i was gone #what the fuck.

[silverislander]

i might have to ask my chaucer prof for an extension on this assignment and fucking god i really don't want to. i REALLY don't want to

i've already had to email him to get the details on literally every single assignment and quiz we've done for two different classes bc he keeps forgetting to give them to us on time, so he definitely knows me by now and i am TERRIFIED it's getting annoying even tho i know it was fully justified. i also recently had to ask him to move my presentation date back for this class (bc he didn't fucking give us the topics for weeks on end so i couldn't have started it early even if i hadn't been too busy to try) which he did do

but i am Going Through It rn w my brain. it's getting really bad again. whenever i open the doc w my essay i just have this wave of anxiety and i can't start writing it. there's only five days left until the deadline, it is five pages and i've written two sentences of the intro + have no sources, i do not have time to procrastinate on this i barely have time to finish it as it stands rn

#rn i think if i dont have at least every paragraph started by saturday night im gonna have to ask for an extension #and i SUPER dont want to do that bc this has the ability to quickly become a pattern i know myself #im almost def gonna need extensions on at least one of the final projects too bc i always do i should save these requests for then #eventually people are going to stop giving them to me and just assume im being lazy #levi.txt #it doesnt help that ive been so busy i havent gone anywhere but school for almost a month #im supposed to be going out about once a week for my anxiety but i havent had time. bc of school #and my parents are really pressuring me to get things sorted for the honours essay next semester and its stressing me the fuck out #this prof also has been awful at giving us what we need to get started early #well have a quiz in old english and he gives us the things we need to study at 9pm the night before #he only gave me the presentation topics 2wks before my original date. bc i emailed him begging to let me change the date so i can prepare #and its stupid but im also worried bc i dont have a halloween costume yet and ive been wanting to go shopping for it for months now #and then i worry bc ill have to spend money on it and i already dont have a lot #so basically rn my life is school im constantly stressed i havent seen my friends in weeks and i have nothing to look forward to #i am Not Doing Great

[bitter-and-queer]

.

#hmm if nothing else the insane lack of nuance on this webbed site is giving me a good indication of People I Should Unfollow #just btw please have political beliefs abt issues that are researched etc #but only reblogging anti israel or anti palestine posts in the midst of an unfolding human tragedy is not the move #like some people on here are going full mask off with antisemitism in particular #I’ve not seen as much Islamophobia but I can guarantee it’s there and it’s fucked #idk ive been very anxious abt all of this obviously and just always feel the need to remind ppl that the victims on both sides are human #beings who deserve to live freely and safely #and for that matter the perpetrators are humans too and we need to be VERY mindful of what humans are capable of when hatred festers #anyway I don’t have any answers abt anything but I am grieving the intense loss of life and dignity for all the people affected #all I can really think to do is a) post this so this is no longer living in my brain and I can actually go to sleep and b) ill probably #spend the next like week doggedly saying tehillim

[bootycallofcthulhu]

Bro i am never working for a medicaid community again holy shit

#it does not help the person i replaced was fired for spending months just sitting at her desk doing nothing #and now i am suffering for it #i am going to get so high in Amsterdam next week i will forget i am american to cope

[camptw1nk]

me spending weeks going "and i probably cant afford the eras tour and thats okay i just have to deal with it" during my breakdowns vs. eras not even coming here and only doing 5 shows in australia so probably being impossible to get tickets to

#i also had to keep spending the money I had in savings bc shit kept going wrong #so i. dont have enough for a ticket anyway #i was so hopeful that tickets wouldn't be announced for another couple of weeks now that i have a job #like i will put my entire first paycheck into it assuming i get it in time which i doubt #but thats still. I'd still have to battle for tickets #i am just 🧍‍♂️ bc it looks like it may just not be possible at all and im so sad ab it #i havent been able to get a presale code either #and apparently all the hotels nearby have been booked already #and flights to aus are Not cheap #it all got announced at like 5am nz time and its now 11 and i only woke up half an hour ago so i had No Chance #i wish i stayed up until 6am like i sometimes do #or i woke up for a drink and saw it #i just. i wish i could go but i dont think ill be able to and its so upsetting #there was a period of time where the eras tour was the only thing keeping me going and i thought i was out of that period but #idk this is hitting hard and there's nothing i can really do ab it

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i think. maybe ill go to bed before 8 tonight #bc my brain. i can't deal with it. and im tired #but i should not do that bc i have things i need to do #like. theres an application due the 11th. but fuck it i might not send it bc fucking whats the point #why has it become so impossible to function? i mean. i kno why but its still annoying #and its like so crazy bc i just feel like im curled up on the floor with the broken pieces of my life and nothing terribles even happened #from an outside perspective its perfectly fine and good my insides have just rottef out #like i had to spend most of today plotting an experiment and i feel bad bc im just so. im so worried that looking after yhis thing is going #to hurt. its going to drain away hours of my time. i dont kno how long it take to deal with every single day for 2 weeks #ill have to water it at 7 and 5 and take measurements all day probably and im very worried about the amount of damage thats going to do #when it already feels like i should b careful where i step. and i feel bad bc im prob such a bummer to hang around like im so sullen faced #and i just dont care. like we had to make a decision bc we could do one thing or another and it would b answering 2 diff questions #and my boss was like. well which do u find most interesting. and i just. i dont care im more concern with the amount of psychic damage this #will inflict upon me so i just dont really give a fuck and that makes me so sad bc like at one point this probably would have been fun #and now im just bitter and it hurt and i jusr want to lay down and not get up #and im like how the fuck am i supposed to find a phd position when the enthusiasm for what i do now has completely burned thru me? #like hi yes r u looking for a new student? im dizzy and my life is falling apart even tho everythings my brains just on fire #but ya kno i think id b an asset to your lab! sigh... itll b fine i kno it will bc it has to b #ill visit the school i wanna go to. hopefully not make myself look like too much of an unstable moron and then leave this place #dragg my bleeding soul across the country to shrivel up in a different area code #somethings gotta give but lets hope it waits a couple months ya kno #ugh. im just tired. i should sleep. i didnt sleep enough last night. and i didnt relax on the weekend so ive got that i don't kno what day #it is type of vertigo. but tomorrow will b better. it will bc i dont want it to b worse #unrelated #i just want to study things that made me feel something. y doesn't that have to b so hard? #let me study slime. endless days alone with the green goo

[blueprint-han]

did i make a mistake?

#sigh dawnie crush issues in the tags #so yeah fair warning #........................................................................................................................................... #idk man I just. i feel like instead of getting closer weve grown more distant ever since he asked me out and its killing me man #i dont wanna be hurt. im so fragile rn and just starting to heal from the years of trauma i faced in my family. when i try to talk #about any issue i have to him he just. ignores the text #or gives me a very dry response which hey. im not trying to say u should listen to my issues all the time. i get that some people dont want #to. but i would just much rather have someone tell me that directly yk? just a hey i dont do well with rants. but the thing is he said hes #fine with them. but then when i get nothing to address it i just. i feel hurt. like... ive started to wonder if hes just keeping the #relation for namesake at this point but ik that isnt true. weve only been dating 2 weeks or so i shouldnt judge so soon. but man its hard #to not overthink ive always been conditioned to do that. ive always been super excited when he plans a date (which he doesnt even call #a date) but when i try to plan smth its always that he has some other plan to attend to which again i get it im not the jealous date who #asks her s/o to be for her every waking moment but yk it does hurt and i feel instead of just letting it bottle up its better to admit it. #i tried to ask him to get cotton candy once and he said wed go the next day and then he forgot. never asked me a time or anything. i didnt #think of it much cuz hed gone to meet a friend outside the city and he mustve been tired. yesterday i asked him again and he said he was #again going outside the city to meet his 12th grader friend. man am i jealous of that girl who gets to spend more time with the guy #who asked me out than ive collectively spent with him #and no i dont mean this in a toxic way like “oh hes meeting other girls he shouldnt do that” i just. man i pictured so much out of my first #relationship. and i got nothing. not one thing out of it. i guess it makes sense cuz my love language is mostly physical touch and u cant #really do that in a campus in India. and its also wrong of me to hold him to such high standards of a perfect relationship when the guy #himself has been in one for the first time (i assume?) but like i said id rather not try to hide my emotions and express them out openly. #theres still so much more about this that i feel wrong but the thing is its confusing cuz i feel like the two years of torture in my house #has made it so that the trauma from never hearing i love you wnd words of affirmation from my parents has been reflecting off this place. #its wrong of me to do this but i expected everything that i couldnt recieve to be fulfilled in a relationship and i now realise how stupid #i was yk? cuz its wrong of me to put such harsh expectations on him like that. i feel like such a shallow person for getting depressed over #a relationship that has just been going for 1 week #theres also the thing where he generally seemed more excited to talk to me before? and now i just get the dryest responses ever out of #which no conversation can be built. and again im not expecting him to be online and respond immediately but a thoughtful response goes a #long way. again ik im being so harsh on him cuz its his first time too and he must be facing the same awkwardness im facing but jesus. i #ok my tags are over im continuing in a reblog