#I am terrified uploading this LOL I am taking a CHANCE

[poetic-beats]

You'll be ok. If you feel your not, You can talk to me. Take care of yourself.

Thank you so much <3  I am just overwhelmed by everything right now.  Like my partner having no job by January. My mental health. My physical health like this year so far I’ve been told I have CNS dysfunction and FGID. I am being tested for Celiac. Oh and they found cysts on my ovaries then they tested and said it wasn’t what it could’ve been and now because of issues I’ve had my female GP who handles my contraception which is due up in January wants me to have another uhh thing to check the cysts and have another blood test because turns out I could actually have it..and it could affect my chances to have children naturally - I know what it was like for my mum she has the same condition and so if i have it I’m scared even though things are different now they know more and have better options its still like D: It is like seriously though I’ve got two new things wrong with me although they havent yet like found the cause of the CNS dysfunction all the specialist could say is I hit some markers for Fibromyalgia but not enough but in her medical professional opinion I do have some form of CNS dysfunction but just not likely fibromyalgia my mum took me to see this specialist first purely because she has Fibro herself so she thought well lets start with an appointment with a rheumatologist who would like be able to check for fibro and a few other condtions. So I kinda need to like now see I think the next step is a neuropsychologist but like I’ve been so stressed and ill right now trying to fight for my mental health treatment/therapy so I’ve not been like exactly thinking about making appointments for the CNS stuff. But it is impacting me it makes me get involuntary like twitches/jerks it feels like a jolt like a little electric jolt i guess down my body but not painful as such but it just makes my body go like suddenly my arms jerked to the left or Ive thrown the food in my hand across the room because my arm/wrist/hand w/e has suddenly twitched or w/e but sometimes i get the like electric like w/e feeling its hard to explain it like across my whole body from my head to my toes and at that point it can lead to me just sort of on and off twitching a bit more like less aggressively but more often in a space of time i usually end up sleeping it off so idk really I pretty much just always pass out asleep when I get that kind of feeling. And like I wanna do stuff to like help ease his worries about money and the burden on him to support us financially and support me emotionally. But I’m not fit to work like not even a minor part time job really because I’d be so unreliable with the way my body is. I am also affected by sensory issues and other things so it’s just not I couldnt realistically right now engage in work for someone.  So I am trying to do like online things but I don’t...I...just I am getting kinda overwhelmed by that too. Cos I dont know where to start what to do. Like I do but I dont you know? I mean...idk...Ive sold 3 pairs of sloth socks which was cool in the past like 2 weeks or is it 3 now since like i started like really seriously uploading to redbubble like before that I kept like uploading then removing my designs trying out different sites and so on I was trying to figure it out but I do now have it kinda figured out so that’s something. But now its like I’ve gotta get people to my freakin’ redbubble and its hard cos how an earth do i drive people to check out my store from the millions of others on the site. But also like I dont wanna like.. Idk I feel like and even though I have explained my situation on here I still kinda feel like I try to do it in a like not serious asking for help way in that i dont want it to come off as idk like I dont wanna be that person where its like i dont wanna be coming off as oh please help me feel sympathy towards me and feel sorry for me or pity me bs. I dont wanna be like appearing to be all I’m in desperate need pls help signal boost or buy to support me. Cos I’m not you know I have my parents to help we’ll be moving back in hopefully before xmas where I won’t have to pay rent. For me this is more about you know when my parents aren’t there I need to have an income for me and my partner hes disabled too...so full time jobs for the both of us is not likely especially if his EDS (edlher danlos syndrome) gets worse ya know?  So I suppose my worries arent like of imminent threat of anything but more like in the future we’ll be fucked if i cant set down the foundations now for the potential for a long term income from various online strategies. But just even thinking about the future and that far ahead fucking terrifies me.  Not only because of all this but because I never really thought about the future I didnt see one for myself as far as I was concerned I’d be dead or I’d be just...idk I couldnt even imagine a future or if I thought I’d make it I wouldnt really care you know because I didnt have like that light in me to want to live so it wasnt like I wanted to survive and thrive and i couldnt see a ‘happy ending’ for myself and now i can and I want to make that come true but of course its a bit hard to envisage a nice happy future with Kade when literally everything depends on having money to eat and have a roof over our heads etc and its just..UGH

I feel like trash too because I feel like my worth is valued by my output/labour and at the moment my output isn’t really bringing in cash right now so my output wouldnt exactly be deemed as ‘good’ idk its just weird its not like an I feel worthless thing like depression low self esteeem shit its more just a sort of social cultural consensus/belief that is ingrained that we are not really worth anything unless we’re contributing to society i.e working , paying taxes and buying things to reinvest in our economy etc etc..everything is about how much a human is worth in value of £ssss to big corporations and governments and rich people and idk its just like...they do have a point you know i cant just sit around and not do anything to contribute..because..then i feel like you know im not ‘sick enough’ to warrant that so im just in this limbo i guess completely self enforced by my mind which just makes it all the stupider but it is what it is. Venting this out has helped clear my mind some cos i mean at least its now out there in this void than just bouncing around my brain. Its why i write poetry too I guess idk why I just feel a release less tension SOMETIMES not all the time but sometimes it can help ease even if only slightly the chaos of my mind to just get it out there whether by chatting in person or writing it out like this just having it out there venting to someone or on a blog where people will read knowing like its not isolated within you still its relieving sometimes. So thanks for messaging me!  I hope you are having a good day so far! Idk timezones or where u r so it could be early there for you maybe your day is just starting..who knows! Its 2:37pm where I am right now though so I need to work  or try to...(yet again me feeling if i dont work constantly I be like failing at life) lol

[loving-jack-kelly]

Another trans Jack au because you know I love him.

Jamie Kelly got her start on YouTube and was pretty well known for covers before she started writing her own songs and eventually got a record deal

When she was in high school, though, she realized she didn’t think of herself as “she” but “he”

But he didn’t come out because he was just starting to get recognition

so he recognized it in himself but didn’t do anything about it because he was a soprano and he was getting recognition for his singing and he didn’t want to mess it up

So he ignored it and kept living as Jamie

He was so used to being uncomfortable in his own skin he hid it well and didn’t come out to anybody

He thought of himself as Jack, knew he was Jack, knew he was a boy, but nobody else knew that and everyone knew him as Jamie

And as “Jaime” got more and more recognition it was harder and harder just to be himself because he knew himself but nobody else did

And he started dating another famous person from YouTube, Crutchie Morris, and loved him a ton but also constantly felt like he was lying because Crutchie thought he had a girlfriend and Jack knew he wasn’t a girl but Crutchie didn’t

So “Jamie” ends up as one of those musicians who everybody knows at least one song by because it’s just catchy music by the time he’s like twenty-seven but at that point, even though he’s really good at hiding it, he’s pretty depressed because of dysphoria and anxiety and everybody knowing him as a girl is just pulling him down

And Crutchie knows something is wrong, but can’t pinpoint what, and Jack has never told anybody he’s Jack and he doesn’t want to lose Crutchie but he also hates that he feels like he’s lying to his boyfriend

And eventually it’s just too much and he comes out to Crutchie without even really meaning to almost like a fight because he’s scared Crutchie is going to leave him and he’s scared he’s going to ruin his career

And obviously it’s hard for Crutchie to adjust right away but he knows he loves the person he’s dating more than anyone and he knows that if Jamie is Jack then he loves Jack just as much as he ever has

But Jack does not feel ready to come out to the public, mentally he’s already having a hard time and he knows coming out right away isn’t going to help that, he needs to collect himself first, not to mention come out to the people he’s close to before he tells the whole world

It’s a terrifying year, especially because he wants to come out on his own terms but the more people he comes out and the more comfortable he gets presenting more masculinely the more scared he is somebody is either going to accidentally out him or he’s going to come out without meaning to

He ends up deciding, once he’s out to everyone he’s close to, that he’s just going to come out all at once and get it over with, but he wants to start transitioning fully before he does, so he takes a few months out of the public eye which of course means the rumor mill goes crazy with all these rumors about him being pregnant or he and Crutchie breaking up or it being a huge publicity stunt for his next album or whatever

But when he does come back it’s on twitter with a really sweet thread about scars culminating in him revealing his brand new top surgery scars and asking to be called Jack and use he/him pronouns

Everyone has scars, some have good memories and some bad (1/thread)

I have so many scars, from stupid things and not so stupid things, mental and physical (2/thread)

This one? I fell down the stairs when I was fifteen, and split my entire knee open. (3/thread)

These ones? It’s been a rough few years, and at a certain point, it felt like self harm was my only escape. (4/thread)

Mentally, from my biological family, the way I spent my first six years and the next six years, I was left with a fear (5/thread)

of abandonment, an anxiety disorder, and pretty bad depression (6/thread)

Most of those things I’ve dealt with, I’ve come to terms with, and I’m stronger from them (7/thread)

And some scars have good memories. Am I scarred by the first time I saw my boyfriend doing sfx makeup and though he was dying? (8/thread)

Sure. But it’s still a good memory. (9/thread)

And now I have two new scars, that I’m proud of and so glad to have (10/thread)

Because the scars that these are replacing went so much deeper than these do. Like I said it’s been a rough few years, mentally (11/thread)

I’ve been working really hard on dealing with the things holding me back, on talking to people and working through it, (12/thread)

and now I’m happy to show off these scars (13/thread)

Because having them means I’ve grown and changed so much, and that I’m really becoming the man I want to be (14/thread)

And yes I said man because the truth is, I am a man. It’s something I’ve known for a long time and only started dealing with in the last two years (15/thread)

I’ve known since I was seventeen that I am Jack, I use he/him pronouns, and that’s okay (16/thread)

I just didn’t want to acknowledge that, because I felt like I was being ungrateful for the chance I was given to sing and perform (17/thread)

So I pushed it away (18/thread)

But at this point, I can’t lie anymore about who I am, about what I am, and it was time to make this step (19/thread)

So I guess it’s time to introduce you to Jack Kelly, a trans guy who super bi, pretty fly, and very proud of who HE is. Hi guys. [attached picture of him with his new top surgery scars] (end thread)

Then he didn’t check Twitter for like two weeks because he was nervous of the reaction

Of course there were like all sorts of tabloid bullshit with headlines like “Jamie Kelly Reveals She Crossdresses” and all sorts of Twitter people being like “she’s just doing it for attention” but there was an overall positive response

And Crutchie made a point of deleting his old “Girlfriend Tag” video and uploading a brand new “Boyfriend Tag” one

And people really could notice just how much happier he was once he came out, like he had been pretty good at hiding just how bad he was doing mentally but suddenly he was smiling and laughing more, and the songs he’d written as he was starting to transition but before he came out were happier, and once his voice had settled enough on T to sing at all again, which took a pretty long time, those songs were happier too

There were fewer songs about wanting to change or wishing about the past, and more about being hopeful for the future and knowing who he is

When he first came out people thought he and Crutchie were going to break up and there were people who were genuinely more concerned with that than the fact that he’d come out as trans

And Crutchie was like “Lol I’m super pan anyway and like in love with him so yeah no I’m not planning on breaking up with him and as far as I know he’s not planning to break up with me”

#Asper Yells #txting #newsies hc #newsies au #jack kelly hc #jack kelly au #trans newsies #trans jack #trans jack kelly #uhh a v self indulgent au to be sure but i like it #a lot #so it's yours now pls enjoy it #i love Jack? #me? self projecting onto him? no way Jose nope definitely not #newsies #jack kelly #jackcrutchie

[c0ry-c0nvoluted]

Went looking for seasonal inspiration for the Christmas story I’m working on and found this festive, green gem on the racks. Nailed it! =D I got the fun idea to try to squeeze out a fresh, yule time horror classic for the freaks like me and thought that maybe I could get it done (in full, including uploaded to createspace (Amazon)) by Christmas. The chances of that are about as good as me meeting up with the the stud on my shirt for pancakes and crapes, especially while battling these fucking migraines (which is why I haven’t been blogging much the past 3 months). But at least it gives me something to do while I’m stuck at home most of the time. 

The story is based around a couple of somewhat oddball, stoner teens – small town kids who’re urban in dialect and flavor, or in other words, black. It dawned on me how few white writers have the balls to write black characters as main characters who actually talk like most African-Americans do (unless they’re doing some historical piece or something). Sure, there’ll be a token black character in most story lines, but if he/she actually acts “black” then it’s usually comedy relief.

I adopted the hip-hop culture in my early teens and all the general “swag” that came with it, which made it pretty difficult as a young adult to communicate with average white adults (still is, to be honest). When you speak with an urban accent you’re immediately labeled as ignorant and/or fake/poser, which can be worse. Wait… I’m getting off topic here… The point is, I have a lot of experience with urban or “hip-hop” dialog and there’s not a lot of use for it in novel writing, so when I was brainstorming on characters I thought, “Yoooo! Why not make one of my dudes black?” Then: “Wait… That’s what every ‘non-black’ writer does to seem ‘progressive’… Why not make the majority of the main characters black? Boom!”

You see, the reason us “scurry-ass” white folk typically don’t is that we’re terrified that some angry black woman is gonna jump up and yell out “Oh hellll, nah! Who you think you is, white boy?! Thinkin’ you can speak for us black folk like you know a thing about livin’ yo’ life bein’ a person of color… Pshh!” lol Or, even more likely “I’m am just so appalled and enraged by this. What does this…man…think? That all black people speak without pronouncing their g’s? That none of us have ever made it through grade school? I’ll have you know…” lolol Which, to be honest, is a definite possibility. But it doesn’t scare me. I’m too sharp to fall for that silly bullshit. Most people who cry out shit like that are just looking to try to make themselves out to be heroes when really they’re just perpetuating their own brand of ignorance fueled by shit they’ve seen on fucking soaps. Number one: this is fiction. It’s no different than me writing a story that takes place in the 1500′s, as far as whether or not I have the “right” because I have or have not walked in their shoes. Number two: Don’t be fucking stupid. That’s just a pathetic argument in attempt for attention. lol Number three: Being someone who is white but elected to represent a fashion and lifestyle that was predominately ruled by blacks and other minorities, while not being the “ignorant poser” or “violent cliché” I was commonly misjudged as, I really do know what it’s like for people to look at you like you’re trying to snatch their bag or stick them for their wallet when you would sooner jump in front of a bullet for them despite the fact they don’t deserve it. Shit… Off topic again. lol 

The point is, I’m having a lot of fun getting to unleash the hip-hop flavored beast in me, while still toning it down to stay true to the characters. I wanna Try to make this bloodied up holiday bonanza a goofy stoner comedy that walks the line between witty and skillful wordplay and downright ridiculous Christmas gore. So, fans of Christmas horror, keep your fingers crossed I can pull this shit off in time to make it available by Dec. 25th. I guess if it’s a few days late, that would be fine too, but, either way, get hype, people! Especially those of you out there who are a little like me and have some hip to there hop but never get any of that in the stories you read. This isn’t (well, still undecided…but…) necessarily gonna have any hip-hop in it, but the dialog is urbanesque (is that a word? …It is now…). It’ll be a breath of icy and copper wind with a minty bite that’ll pep you right up. So look alive, soldiers! Death is gonna be gift wrapped this year, and it might have your handle on the tag. \m/ 

Oh, and in case you miss any further posts concerning the story, it’s gonna be called A Christmas Caracassing. If you’re into to dark, bloody humor, you’re gonna love it. -cc

.......................................................................

(updated the pic with a cool background called Shelled_layers_by_Worlockmolly. Prologue and first chap in the story nearly done. Head still hurts but trying to stay productive. Soldiering on.)

#writing #chistmas stories #christmas horror #aliens #writers #black teens #black fiction #hip-hop #alien christmas #horror stories #horror #creative writing #christmas #xmas #chrsitmas t-shirt #Stoners #Stoner #dabs

[osetljiv]

(via https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2odvuQkrlARSSv6Pvm41GM?si=sjzD66aFTGa5TkMfcIurtQ)

hi i am doing this solely for myself/my own records so please feel free to ignore!!!!!! i wanted to challenge myself by making a top 10 albums list from the last decade - it was rly difficult because my ass truly cannot cut things down and be decisive, but here it is! 

i know many ppl r not into this kinda thing, but i really really love symbolic gestures - i love the idea that a new year (or a new decade!) can wipe ur slate clean, can give u a chance to be hopeful and excited and look forward to things - i hate change and i hate endings but the one good thing to come of them are beginnings! i love new starts, i love freshness, i love blank slates. i know that the end of the year/decade is arbitrary and doesn’t rly mean anything in the long run but....... it is important and super special to me!!!

i’m really not good with words/proper descriptions of the music itself, so i mainly just describe memories/associations i make to the albums, so don’t expect a proper music critic’s review or anything LOL… i am also not ranking by objective quality, but influence - these r the albums that personally made the biggest impact on me since 2010. i started off the decade age 13 and finished it in 2019 at age 23..... so clearly that is a very big difference in stages of life!!! i completed my teenage years, graduated from elementary school, high school & university.... i went thru many different friend groups, many different personality changes...... several big life events occurred…. many many hours were spent listening to music. and now i’m here! 

my only rules were 1. had to be on repeat for a significant amount of time, 2. preferably only one album per artist (to force me to pick between them), and 3. i had to consistently listen to the album as a whole (as opposed to just a few songs out of it)...... some of my fav songs in the world aren’t on these albums bc they were either released before 2010 or i didn’t listen to the rest of the album except for a handful of songs (as is usually the case for me). so the albums on this list are markers in my life, and i could (and did!) listen to them front and back. and ALSO they are not ranked from 1-10...... it was literally difficult enough choosing just 10 and i truly would not survive having to rank them as well. in release date order, here they are!!!!!

 owen pallett - heartland (jan 12th, 2010)

okay i know i just said i wouldn’t rank these but........... well this one is #1 regardless lol!!! the rest are not in any sort of order but this one has to be first (and how lucky that it was released first too!!!) this is the most important/special album to me in the world - it’s the first album released by my favourite musician under his real name, it has some of my most favourite songs of all time on it - it’s probably the first album in my life that i loved and listened to as a whole! when I was younger i never used to have favourite singers or favourite writers or favourite artists - i would have one favourite song/book/painting but never look into the creator’s other work, never had any interest in organizing things that way. but this is the first time i thought - “i adore this song..... and i adore all the other songs this person makes.... so i guess i like this whole album?” not to mention it’s a whole story and world - heartland tells a whole fable and sounds so beautiful doing so. owen was also the first concert i’ve ever been to! he is so beautiful and wonderful and this album is perfect and has my heart and can do no wrong! and as a plus it was released right at the beginning of 2010 so it truly started off the decade and set the pace. i really don’t know what else to say! heartland was a constant throughout the last ten years - i can’t tie it to one specific moment or feeling the way i can with the other albums. this one was really just the background of my whole adolescence, i guess, and i’ll love owen and this album forever!!!! love love love

 gorillaz - plastic beach (march 3, 2010)

i honestly didn’t listen to this album as a whole until the summer after grade 11/before grade 12 when i had to take summer school for math bc i failed (first class i had ever failed :’)!!) and needed the credit for my grade 12 courses (many of which i ended up failing anyway lol) BUT i still had hope at this point so this summer wasn’t that bad..... i remember i had to buy my own bus pass for the summer w my own work money for the first time and walk to the mall bus stop every day all summer to take the city bus downtown to the highschool that used to b a prison (RIP, it got torn down this year) to take summer math from 8-3, 5 days a wk. i loved those classes surprisingly? i remember that summer i dressed so cute every day, i would wear my extra ass dresses and knee high socks and do my hair all cute...... i’d steal my mom’s old lady sweaters w mini skirts and make my own coffee to bring w me and felt so adult..... i didn’t make any friends bc i thought they were all too cool but later learned that the girls in class rly liked me and remembered me the next year when i’d see them at their highschool when visiting for a trivia tournament (don’t judge!!!!) also the first time i got hit on bc a 30 yr old man in my class somehow got my email from the teacher and sent me a creepy email asking me out and i was too scared to go to school the next day lol..... truly feels surreal. but yes i would listen to this album (and demon dayz!) on repeat cuz i found the full albums uploaded to youtube so i remember i would just listen to the entire album all the way thru for the duration of the bus ride while looking out the window and daydreaming bc i couldn’t skip any songs and I couldn’t go on my phone bc the music only plays if u keep the youtube app open…. so it’s hard to listen to the songs individually now because i just picture the transitions every time!

 caribou - swim (april 20, 2010)

this was my summer between grade 8 - grade 9! up until this point i only had a handful of western artists that i listened to (before highschool i listened almost exclusively to Japanese doujin groups that remixed video game music…. do NOT judge!!!) and i felt soooo cool when i started listening to this album/others like it… had odessa downloaded on my zen creative mp3.... so freaking good!! got so embarrassed of my music taste after this LOL cuz my brother saw the album cover on my phone in highschool and asked what hipster shit i was listening to. little did he know.... its GOOD!!!! such a great album to just listen to all the way through. perfect background music for studying/ /walking/smoking/literally doing anything to! i can still listen to it and pinpoint different/new melodies in the back in certain songs. so good!!!

 crystal castles - (II) (april 23, 2010)

so many 2010 albums wow but LISTEN....... i first heard crystal castles in either 2010 or 2011, immediately after i first made a tumblr in grade 9.... this was the era when offensive bloggers and hipster british bloggers were like the only 2 sections of tumblr...... one of the first ppl i followed was this one super popular british blogger, this kid from london who was probs 15 and he had like, a pale grunge aesthetic and rly long bangs that covered his eyes.... i forget his name omg i wish i could see what he was doing now! but ya i loved him i thought he was the coolest thing ever, i went on his blog and he had autoplay and pap smear was the first song that started playing...... i remember being like wtf is this??? first time i heard music like that, with the video game sounds mixed in and the vocals so distorted. i literally was enamoured like i remember thinking i should hate it and wtf r these british freaks listening to but like..... i could NOTTTT STOP and i remember i wouldn’t even bother looking up the song on youtube or anything, when i wanted to listen to the song i would just go to this guy’s tumblr LOOOOOL god!!!! on the outside i was a cutesy girly girl but on the inside i was a pale grunge hipster british tumblr user!

 beach house - bloom (may 15, 2012)

this album is just the sweetest, prettiest memory…. it’s so.. crisp? and clear and pure and loving! beach house was (unsurprisingly) my spotify artist of the decade and i don’t care what rep they get or how similar their music may sound i love them with my entire heart! discovered them from tumblr (as i did most of my fav highschool albums) - first beach house song i ever heard was wild - i remember the first time i started being (SLIGHTLY) less mortified of talking about my music taste to other people, it was maybe in first year? i had gotten into my friend’s car, before we got super close, and she was playing a song off of bloom i think! and i remember my heart just stopped!!!! and i was so absolutely terrified of saying anything, but even moreso excited to see someone whose opinion i cared about who was listening to music that i liked, and so i gathered all my strength and tried to be super casual and say something like “oh, you like beach house, too?” (meanwhile i was literally shaking with nerves…..) and she just so easily said “yeah, i love this song!” and it was the most validating, comforting thing! and a while after that, one of my favourite memories: my other friend got hired at a local café/tea shop, the teeniest little place – it was like 3x4 metres, max – and she would close the store alone, and it was always completely dead, so the group of us would go and sit with her for her entire shift in this sweet warm little store – we’d have tea and coffee and scones – and over the store speakers, she would play whatever we wanted – and for a while i didn’t make suggestions, let everyone else choose, but! i worked my way up to suggesting she play bloom – and she would play the album all the way through, and she surprisingly really liked it?? and then it became the default soundtrack to our tiny hangouts in the tiny café :’)

 toro y moi - anything in return (jan 16, 2013)

WOWWWW truly such a throwback....... this is the first time i felt cool, TRULY cool listening to music LMAOOOO SO EMBARRASSING!!! i remember the day it came out, grade 11 i guess??? but i swear it must have leaked way earlier cuz i remember listening to this way before.... my fav tumblr user at the time (kiki deerhoof LMFAO now THAT is a throwback!!!!) was always posting abt toro y moi and made a mixtape w his music on it and i fell in love..... and i wanted to be cool too! so i would obsessively listen to this album when it dropped. the album drop also overlapped w the moment my grades/effort in school went on a steep decline (not that it caused it ofc but this was like…. the background music to my demise, in a way!) i’ll never forget listening to so many details on my chilly walk past my old elementary school at 6am to get to my bus stop - way too cool for school

 mac demarco - salad days (apr 1, 2014)

how fitting that chamber of reflection is playing in the coffee shop as i type this :’) this album was the soundtrack to my late grade 12/entire grade 13 experience. i was SO thoroughly and unbearably depressed LOOOOL it was really awful… i’m laughing now thinking back at it but honestly the feeling of being left behind by all of your friends and having to come to terms with not meeting ur own expectations of urself… having to repeat a year and being the oldest one in ur classes…… SO AWFUL!!!! really truly idk how i did it! but the whole time, all year, i would listen to this album. i would always play it on my walk to the city bus (in grade 13 i never made the actual school bus and i don’t even know how much money i must have paid taking the city bus every day bc i truly could not get out of bed early enough to take the free school bus but ALAS……) and i swear to you that entire year was grey and foggy and cold and damp… and i would play salad days (the song itself) and my emo ass would associate 100% with mac singing “oh mama, acting like my life’s already over….. oh dear, act your age and try another year,” and i swear he was singing it just for me, trying to slap me out of my stupor by saying “calm down, ur fine, ur life isn’t over, it’s just one year and you’ll be back on track!” and sometimes, SOMETIMES!! it worked!

 azealia banks - broke with expensive taste (nov 7, 2014)

i know i know..... i’m aware how we feel about azealia now....... and i know how overstated it is when ppl say “she may be problematic but she was an artistic GENIUS!!!” so i will not add more to the conversation but....... is this album not pristine? like what a masterpiece????? this album straight up defined my highschool experience even tho it was released at the beginning of grade 12..... all of grade 12/13 i was blasting this album while walking down the hallway hating literally everything! i grew up idolizing my bro and all he listened to (techno/house/etc) and loving it but being too embarrassed of copying him to get too into it, but then hearing azealia sound cute and sexy and scary while interpolating all these house beats. LITERALLY chicken soup for the soul… it felt like she made it just for me!! and even before bwet actually dropped, listening to 212 and all of her other singles waiting for her to finally drop the album she was tweeting about for years, like i don’t remember the last time i anticipated an album for soooo long? and she dropped it days after my 17th bday which really was such a perfect gift. listening to this w my friend who also loved azealia, pretending we were cool as SHIT and so grown up...... beyond influential

 frank ocean - blonde (aug 20, 2016)

ur lying if this album wasn’t a pivotal moment for u......... blonde is the sole reason summer 16 is viewed as a cultural landmark. i SWEAR!!!! i may have spent 8 hours a day on tumblr in 2016 but my ass was NOT cool enough to have been listening to frank ocean prior to blonde..... no i never listened to channel orange before this, yes i know i was behind the times! 2016 was the summer after my 1st year of uni, august i had just finished my summer school course so my summer was just starting (i was re-taking 1st year math bc i failed..... some things never change huh!!!! lied to my dad and told him i was tryna get ahead by taking bio in summer school... he believed me till he caught me in a lie by chatting w my friend he bumped into at walmart LOL.... and yet he never said a word :’) an angel) this was also the summer my dad left for a few months to go travelling across canada, he was gone all summer and my bro was busy working and so was my mom and i had the car all to myself for the first time. went on SOOO many drives this summer blasting this album. not to mention that since my dad wasn’t home the responsibility to drive my mom to work fell on me and wow i LOVED it? i realized i love having little responsibilities and having ppl rely on me in little ways like this..... i loved going to bed at 3am and having my mom gently wake me up at 5:30am, having a coffee with her before leaving in my ratty pajamas to drive her to work, the sun was just rising but it was already sooo hot, that summer i remember i couldn’t even hold the steering wheel cuz it was burning and my car didn’t (still doesn’t!) have AC, i’d drop her off to work up on the mountain and as i drove down the escarpment i would roll down the windows and blast pink + white right as the sun began to peek over the clouds and i would take a pretty sunrise pic every time before driving around for a bit, listening to this album, going home, and going back to sleep till 2pm

 blood orange - negro swan (aug 24, 2018)

i fully expected this list to be mainly albums released earlier in the decade, which makes sense – they would’ve had more time to have an effect on me – but as the final/most recent entry on my list, this album was beautiful enough to be a consistent part of the most recent year-and-a-half of my life!!! it’s also unique in that it’s one of the only albums on this list, i think, where i had already been a big fan of the artist’s previous work and was waiting for the album to drop. not 2 sound like one of THOSE people but i often find myself liking the first albums i heard from an artist/their older music better than newer work they release (not always!!! but often!), not from any kind of elitism or anything but honestly probably just nostalgia fogging my taste? especially for my first listen of a new album – it usually takes some time and a few re-listens before i really enjoy a newer release – BUT! from the moment dev released the album cover (which is so beautiful? one of my fav album covers off the top of my head) and dropped the first 2 singles, ESPECIALLY charcoal baby, i was so so enamoured with the album, right from the start. that whole summer i had it on repeat – early the next year i saw dev play in Toronto, and it was one of the best concerts i’ve ever been to – the lighting and colours and his dancing and demeanour, the other vocalists, plus we were right up at the stage, it was so stunning!!!!! this album has consistently appeared on all of my various spotify playlists, it rly can suit all moods and occasions, i love it very much and it’s the perfect album to round out my past decade in music!

 honourable mentions: SPEED ROUND

yes i’m a CHILD that cannot commit to cutting things down...... but tbh i’m surprised enough that i was able to preen my list into a top 10 anyway. so these r the honourable mentions that i couldn’t live with myself if i didn’t mention in some way!!!! all also very good and important and special to me, in no particular order!

mount kimbie - love what survives: i won’t lie this one hurt to not include on my top 10 :( i’m surprised too.... my friend rly fought for this to be included but i had to listen to my heart!!! however ofc i HAD to include it here at the very least. i was so shocked when it dropped, it was nothing like the rest of mount kimbie’s stuff i had previously heard.... i discovered them randomly when i was studying and spotify did that annoying thing where it plays “artist radio” or whatever so one of their older songs came on shuffle and WOW it was so good! and then i properly listened to them after hearing their songs with king krule... anyway this album is stunning and i am SO sad i didn’t get to see them when they came to toronto but i promise myself (and u!) that i will go the next time they come by!!!! u have my word!

foals - holy fire: this one also hurts a lot to not include :((( a LOT a lot! this one i’m really fond of, my fav foals album and one of the main albums i associate with highschool! so pretty, i’ll never forget hearing holy fire (the song itself) for the first time, so angry and satisfying and GOOD!!!

king krule - 6ft beneath the moon/the ooz: love both these albums soooo so much, i think 6fbtm came closer to almost being in the top 10 but others had it beat juuust slightly - these albums defined the beginning/end of my uni career, respectively, and i’ll cherish them forever! love archie’s ugly ginger ass with my whole heart

james blake - the colour in anything: was such a fan of james and was so excited when this album dropped - it was the start of summer i think? and i would always play it when i went for bike rides to the beach with my dad! such pretty music to drive ur bike to beside the water, all the way down the waterfront until we got to the next city over, riding past all the rich ppl’s mansions and trying to sneak a glance into their windows as we rode by

beyonce - self-titled: obviously the day this dropped - w no promo whatsoever - was a critical moment in music history!! we played this obsessively in high school, blasted this album the entire Europe trip in grade 12 and it just reminds me of travelling and planes and France…. so sexy!

solange - a seat at the table: rly truly a gorgeous album!! we played this in the car when my friends and i trekked to Toronto early one fall morning right after it dropped, we skipped school to go to some event at a café, and we had to wake up DUMB early, like 4:30AM, and i went to go pick them up and we were all way too tired to talk to eachother and stressed cuz we absolutely COULDN’T miss the train so i played this album the whole drive there while the sun was rising and it was so calming and pretty and special

#^

[storiesbyshel]

day one: starting off on a wrong foot

my 2:05 am alarm almost went off, but i haven’t got any sleep. i can’t-i’m too freaking excited. also i might intentionally be awake to get a deep sleep on the upcoming 7-hour flight, and this is my first Travel Hack. it was my first long haul, as you can see. i triple checked our carry-on, rearrange my luggage (duh), and did a bit of last-minute itinerary changes. all that to kill time.

we left the house at 4.15 and arrived just in time for Morning Prayer (Subuh/Fajr). We passed the immigration just a little before 5.30 and grab a breakfast (I didn’t feel hungry due to the amount of coffee i drank the day before, but i ended up clearing my plate lol). While we were just chilling, the clock showed that it was already 6.00 wHEN OUR FLIGHT WOULD BOARD IN 15 MINUTES and we were NOWHERE nearby the gate. We ran like hell and made to the gate just in time before they made a line according to our seats. Of course, we boarded safely!

The flight was uh-MAY-zing. I slept almost a quarter of the way and only woke up on mealtime (i guess my subconscious knew me better than i do). here are some pics i took on the food tray:

This was the standard meal. Travel Hack number two, that whenever you fly, order a special menu; vegan, Muslim, Indian, or allergy-friendly ones, even if you’re not on those dietary restrictions! They always have different options of food and, trust me, they are wayyy better. Also, remember to never order tea, coffee, or tap water on plane. they are mostly fucking disgusting. coke and bottled water (ask the flight attendant to open it in front of you) are acceptable.

The food was ok. EXCEPT that vegan-looking pasta on the top left. baby, trust me, that wasabi pasta was shocking my senses.

We arrived at Narita International Airport Terminal 2. Unluckily, we didn’t have the Aviobridge (bridge connecting the plane and the airport gate), so we had to take a bus (????) which was a lot like Halim Perdanakusuma.

After we passed through the immigration, we quickly find a bus from Narita to Tokyo Station costs JPY 1000/person. The bus was ok and it had heater (!!!) and charging port, like most of Japanese buses have. We also bought Tokyo 72 hour ticket for three and two 24 hour ticket due to our itinerary needs.

We arrived at Tokyo Station and were thinking the trouble was over... but God said nuh-uh baby.

It was drizzling. My mom was complaining on how cold it was like a zillion times. I was the one with Google Maps in my hand and a luggage on the other, and was already stressed because underground Tokyo Station was fucking confusing. After a solid hour, we found a tourist information center and asked for direction and they gave us Tokyo Station map. I couldn’t thank them enough back then because i was pissed, but now imma give em shout out!!! Kudos!!!

We arrived at our apartment, which we didn’t take a picture of, but only this cute bathroom cubicle. 

yes thats me. for reference, i’m 155 cm and was crouching. but most of Japanese apartments have this kind of bathroom, which i thought was (and still am) fine.

My mom and sister were hungry but they were tired, so I took the liberty to buy them Subway, which was on the corner of the street. But my adventurous, irresponsible self was taking this as a chance to explore the neighborhood. I saw a nebulous alley just next to Subway. I followed a foreigner couple there. A liiiiiitle far down I found another alley intersection; the right one were quieter but filled with men standing alone, and the left one looked more packed. I took the left one and later i knew i wasn’t right. 

..it was filled with karaoke bars and gambling places, ffs. i quickly regretted my impulsive decision and head back to the apartment (again, with my irresponsible self was taking over my brain) using another road.

The road i took was a lot bigger and had more lights than the previous one, but hell there were a lot of foreigners and local men asking other people for a tour-that might lead to other entertainments. i was wearing my Hijab and NO ONE asked me anything. Even so, i was terrified they might do anything harmful to me and i felt like some of them tried to.

I slept past 12 after watching a Korean drama, “When The Camellia Blooms” to distract my mind of the horrible alley i went.

Turns out that my apartment was located nearer to Kabukicho, rather than Higashi-Shinjuku. And Kabukicho is a red district. Yep. Sighs in regrets.

(day two will be uploaded next week)

#day one #japan travel #tokyo #travel hacks #solo travel

[awkwardlyamusing-blog]

Brooke Houts: 5 Fast Facts You Need to Know

New Post has been published on http://doggietrainingclasses.com/brooke-houts-5-fast-facts-you-need-to-know/

Brooke Houts: 5 Fast Facts You Need to Know

On left: Brooke Houts’ IMDB headshot. On right: a screenshot of Houts with her Doberman, Sphinx.

Brooke Houts is a YouTuber and actress who has come under fire for raw footage of a video she was making with her Doberman, Sphinx, in which she appears to hit him and then spit on him.

Houts has since given a statement on the backlash and accidental video upload, in which she said in part, “I want to clarify that I am NOT a dog abuser or animal abuser in any way, shape, or form.”

An LAPD media representative confirmed to The Verge that the Animal Cruelty unit has launched an investigation. The rep said, “Our Animal Cruelty Task Force has received numerous complaints about the video you’re speaking of and we are currently looking into the matter.”

The controversy began when Houts accidentally uploaded a video of raw footage on August 6, which shows her smacking her dog, pinning him to the ground and shouting “NO!”

The video was quickly taken down and replaced with the more polished cut, but many had already seen it by the time she took it down. You can still see the footage in the video under fact #1. She has also now taken down the edited version of the plastic wrap prank video.

Here’s what you need to know about Houts:

1. READ: Houts’ Full  Statement on the Controversial Footage

In a tweet on August 6, Houts addressed the controversy head on, via a series of screenshots of a statement she appeared to write on the Notes app. She also wrote the same statement in a comment on the YouTube video (as seen below) where the uncut footage originate from. The statement reads,

Anything I say isn’t going to make those who believe I’m a bad person stop believing that, and I’m aware of this. I apologize to anyone who has been effected negatively by the footage. First off, I want to address the uncut footage. On the day in particular that the video was filmed, and actually this past week, things in my outside life have been less than exceptional. I am not going to play the “victim card” or anything of that sort, but I do want to point out that I am rarely as upset as what was shown in the footage. The bubbly, happy-go-lucky Brooke that you often see in my videos is typically an accurate representation of me, but it’s obvious that I’m playing up my mood in this video when I’m clearly actually frustrated.

That being said, this does NOT justify me yelling at my dog in the way that I did, and I’m fully aware of that. Should I have gotten as angry as I did in the video? No. Should I have raised my voice and yelled at him? No. However, when my 75 lb. Doberman is jumping up in my face with his mouth open, I do, as a dog parent, have to show him that this behavior is unacceptable. But I want to make it known, REGARDLESS of what my dog does, I should not have acted that way towards him.

I want to clarify that I am NOT a dog abuser or animal abuser in any way, shape, or form. Anyone who has witnessed or heard true animal abuse will be able to clearly see that. My dog, in no way, shape, or form was hurt by any action that I displayed in this video. I know people are going to say “you don’t know how he really feels” and this is true. But if he was audibly and physically in pain, it would be a different story. I also did NOT spit on my dog, but I understand how it could look like I did. Did I get in his face and take unnecessary actions towards him? Yes I did, and that was not the way I should’ve handled the situation. Did I spit on my dog? No.

My family and I are in the process of getting him training. The training that I have been looking at for him is VERY expensive, because it’d have to be 1-on-1 with a trainer. Ever since he was attacked at the dog park, he isn’t okay with being around other dogs. He sticks to me like velcro if he is in the presence of another dog, even a little chihuahua. I just can’t see him getting what he needs from a group training environment. That being said, I know I personally can learn more effective techniques to get his energy out and keep him disciplined as well.

Anyone who knows me personally knows I have an immense love for animals, including my own. I would never do anything to purposefully physically or mentally harm any animal. Again, I should NOT have yelled at him or have been as physically aggressive as I was, and I’m fully aware of that. He was not hurt, nor has he ever been purposefully hurt by me. I know I’ll be in many future situations where he’s being physical, but I will not respond this way again.

Family or friends that have spent any amount of time with Sphinx and me know that we have a trusting, loving relationship. All he wants to do is be by my side, cuddle with me, and be around me, which I love. My love for him is exponential and infinite, and I do everything I can in my day-to-day life to ensure that he is living as happily as he can. I’m sorry that my actions in that particular moment did not reflect that.

About my twitter- I deactivated my account earlier in the day. When I went to open it, I was met with an excess of notifications of people telling me I’m messed up, a bad person, that I’m going to hell, that I belong in jail, etc. For my own mental health, and no other reason besides that, I didn’t think it was necessary for me to be reading those comments at that time. Lastly, I don’t want to make this statement seem like it’s me defending myself, because that is not my goal. I do want to point out what ACTUALLY happened though. My intent by explaining the situation is to give those of you who are rightfully angry with me the explanation that you deserve. I am getting my dog into training, and I’m looking at ways to improve how I personally train him at home. I am sorry that you guys had to watch that footage and were upset by it, and I’m sorry to my dog for raising my voice and acting aggressively.

In my heart and from the words of the people that spend the most time with me, I know that I am a great dog mom (but not perfect), that I spoil him in the best ways, that he gets all the treats he could ever want, and that the Amazon Prime mailman is probably tired of delivering packages of dog toys to my house. Again, this does not make my actions in the footage okay, but I’m just explaining what my day-to-day life is really like, whether you believe me or not.

On a serious note, I love you guys, and I want to THANK YOU for pointing out things that you think are wrong and discussing them, because the world needs more of that. I hope you give me the chance to prove that these statements about myself do align with my actions. All my love, Brooke Houts

2. Houts’ YouTube Channel Has 339,000 Subscribers & She Often Features Her Doberman in Videos

Houts has a popular YouTube channel; she boasts over 339,000 subscribers, and routinely uploads videos. The video she was filming that led to the alleged dog abuse, “Plastic wrap prank on my doberman!,” was taken down on August 7. The video had over 138,000 views. The caption for the video read, “Hey guys! Me & me favorite dog ever are here to bring you a plastic wrap prank lol, this is probably the shortest video to ever go up on my channel but I hope you like it!!! Let us know if you wanna see more pranks 🐶🖤”

Many users have since commented on that video, condemning her behavior with her dog. One user wrote, “I have seen a few of your videos with Sphinx and from the beginning I’ve felt that you don’t understand what the breed needs. But I’ve tried to not be judgmental beforehand since you sometimes have mentioned that you do train him. But then I saw the video where you show how you train him.”

Another user wrote, “Imagine beating your dog for trying to show love and affection 😒”

This makes my blood BOIL. How dare you blame this on “training” your dog. @brookehouts. You are disgusting. You deserve both your channel taken down, and your beautiful puppy be given to a deserving home you monster. pic.twitter.com/DaoRdkbsj1

— Mister Preda (@MisterPreda) August 7, 2019

Other well-known YouTubers have even weighed in. Andrea Russett, an actress and YouTube personality, tweeted, “dogs give, give & give an unconfidtional love asking nothing but the same in return. the way u reacted to ur dog simply being a dog was unacceptable & hard to watch. i hope you learn and grow from this, because no animal should ever be in a home where it’s being treated that way.”

Mister Preda, another influencer and YouTube personality, tweeted, “This makes my blood BOIL. How dare you blame this on “training” your dog. @brookehouts You are disgusting. You deserve both your channel taken down, and your beautiful puppy be given to a deserving home you monster.”

Similarly, Ethan Nestor (a video game commentator, vlogger, and former video editor)  tweeted, “this is such a bullshit apology. ‘I will not respond this way again.’ yes you will! I guarantee this is the way you’ve always scolded your dog, so why would that change. Stop acting like this was a one time thing. This dog needs a better home and you need help for anger issues.”

Logan Paul posted a Twitter thread on the controversy, writing in part, “…this video of that girl hitting & spitting on her dog is remarkably grotesque, and irks me for many reasons… im terrified by the on-camera personality shift she puts on when she’s ‘performing’ … one thing ive always tried to do is be authentic, sometimes too authentic, and i’d bet an unhealthy amount of creators wear a mask just as ugly”

3. One of Houts’ Most Viewed Videos Involves Her Kissing Her Apparent Ex-Boyfriend

Houts’ videos tend to run the gamut, in terms of content. But one of her most popular video (which has garnered over 3.3 million views) is “KISSING MY EX-BOYFRIEND (Extreme Ex-Boyfriend Tag).” You can watch the video above.

Many of Houts’ videos revolve around Sphinx, too. Another of her most popular videos follows a “day in the life” of Sphinx:

In the video, Houts brushes Sphinx’s teeth, walks him (and defends the collar she uses for Sphinx), washes him, and more.

Houts has had a YouTube account since 2014. Her “About Me” section reads, “HEY my name is Brooke Houts and if you’re reading this congratulations you can read. Since you’re already here, I heard that it’s strongly advised by all medical personnel that you hit the subscribe button (also the notification bell doesn’t hurt either) or else SOMETHING WILL HAPPEN I DON’T KNOW I’M BAD AT LYING JUST SUBSCRIBE OKAY IT’S FREE AND FUN”

4. Houts Is LA-Based, & Affiliates Herself With MOSAIC

Though Houts has since turned her Instagram account private, her bio does offer some information about the YouTuber. She’s based in LA, for example, and affiliates herself with MOSAIC, a church in Los Angeles with six locations across the city.

Houts’ Twitter bio reads, “Subscibe to my stupid channel already.” She has over 6,000 followers on Twitter and over 26,000 followers on Instagram. Her most recent tweet as of August 7 reads, “Thank you to everyone who’s being kind and understanding. I really appreciate it”

‌IMDB

Houts also appears to be an aspiring actress, as she uploaded a video called “What it’s really like being an actress in LA” in May. In the video, Houts drives around Los Angeles with a friend, makes a green juice, and talks about why she loves the makeup brand Glossier.

Houts does have an IMDB account. Her one IMDB acting credit is for a television series called Interracial. 

5. Houts’ Dog, Sphinx, Has His Own Instagram Account

Though Houts’ has made her own Instagram account private to all non-followers, her dog, Sphinx, still has a public Instagram account. Users have since flooded his comments with attacks on Houts.

“Nice dog but sh*t owner,” one user commented.

Many others have tagged the ASPCA. One user did that and wrote, “@aspca please help this poor dog, and when you do spit and push the owner on the ground. Then say you are just in a bad mood that day.”

READ NEXT: ‘Sesame Place Sallie’ Tells Muslim Woman to ‘Go Back to Where You Came From’

Source link Train Your Dog

[mobpsychoheadcanons]

Some thoughts on Shou

-Shou has many many scars on him all from his father. he sometimes just sits shirtless in front of a mirror and traces over them remembering what happened. Reminding himself that this is not normal. That this is not okay.

-Shou once saw Ritsu's father pat his head and Shou almost blasted him across the room before he realizes that it was actually an affectionate gesture.

-Shou has a very nervous habit of biting on his sleeves. The ends of his jacket are frayed and wet and disgusting and he doesn't remember the last time he washed it but he doesn't want to lose it. So he never does.

-Shou has received affection once, just once, from his father after his mother left. He was eight and he was in horrible burning pain and his father picked him up and carried him to the med room and wrapped up his injuries. It never happened again and Shou is almost sure that he dreamed it...but it's also a massive reason he sometimes doubts the abuse.

-Ritsu cries very easily. Shou laughs instead of crying. Ritsu wants to punch Shou in the face for making fun of his crying but then gets a massive pit of dread in his stomach when he sees Shou laughing off a stab wound or a broken bone.

-One time Shou did cry in front of Ritsu though...it started off as laughter that then turned hysterical and caused him to collapse on the ground shaking as he started sobbing between laughs and he couldn't breathe and he wanted to die because he broke down and...He kept saying that he was sorry for crying....Ritsu held him tight and tried to be comforting but all he could really do in his state of shock was to rock him and try his best to soothe him

-One time Reign tried to pat Shou on the Shoulder and Shou nearly threw him into a wall. Mob stopped him but Shou was so embarrassed he didn't come back for a month

-Shou uses memes as a way to cover for his emotional shortcomings and trauma

- Shou...knows how to dance...he learned...as part of his training???

-Shou is simultaneously afraid of touch and completely touch deprived so it ends up in this odd situation of "i can touch you but for the love of god please don't touch me.”

-Shou batterdick cucumber memes his father's name. He has over one hundred and twenty seven ways of saying ‘touch your toes sucky key.’

-Shou attempted to live with his mother....but....she kept trying to do things he wasn't okay with...but by that i mean...giving him rules and curfews and things Shou has never done in his life and he gets angry and he calls bullshit and he runs away from home to hide for a few days and she panics because she lost her baby again but Shou....is not okay...with being controlled...

-Shows mom still doesn't like seeing his power and everytime he uses it she makes a small uncomfortable expression and Shou begins to dislike them a little bit more...

-Shous hamsters are very well treated but at the same time...Shou is terrified to interact with them because he might hurt them

-Shou has a fully documented file on every injury, every scar, and every trauma his father has given him...he doesn't really know what to do with it...

-Shou just wants to hug somebody for hours on end. To feel another person's warmth encompassing him and keeping him safe...but he feels childish whenever he does because....who would even want to hug him??? he Should just get over it??? grow up???

-One time his mother dropped a pan and Shou nearly started crying....he hates...loud noises....he doesn't mind if they are natural like thunder...but...the sound of a pan banging against a floor...a door slamming...hands slamming on the table....it terrifies him.

-Shou hugs his pillow when he sleeps.

-Shou used to have a stuffed animal collection but his father destroyed them..calling them childish.

-Shou has a shit ton of money coming his way because of his father but....he doesn't really want it....it feels dirty and he doesn't want any help...from anyone

-Shou has exactly 0 social skills. He never learned how tf to deal with people. He just tried to make himself seem as big as possible and hopes things will go his way.

-Shou uses comics, manga, books and tv shows as a way of escapism. He surrounds himself in the stories so much that he used to call his father DR. Robotnick. (Sonic sat am ref lol.)

-Shou hates taking showers or baths. He feels entirely too vulnerable and sometimes he’ll push it off for a solid month before taking one.

-Shou has never had a good night's sleep. Ever.

-Shou has freckles. hundreds of freckles. they're all from his mom

-Shou wants to go to school with Ritsu but at the same time he's terrified to try.

-He's not good with people. his schooling did not keep up 100% with academics, he hates being told what to do ect ect...

-One time he hung around reigen and did a dumb doodle on a sticky note and reigen praised it and said it looked really good and Shou started crying....he doesn't know why. maybe it's because he's never been praised on his art before..

-Shou sometimes breaks into Reigen’s office to sleep on his couch. Reigen is mildly concerned but lets him do it anyway

-Shou is that person who always, c o n s t a n t l y, has to show somebody up. You ran a mile?? I ran two!! You're feeling depressed?? well my father ran a cult and tried to take over the world and constantly abused me!! He does not mean to be mean by it...but he's so used to his thoughts and feelings being completely invalidated that...he h a s to...you know???

-Shous relationship with his mother....hmm....It's kinda rocky. Like they love each other but they don’t really know much about each other anymore and she doesn't really like his powers but they still do try and they really do care for each other but there will always be this…...unspoken...gap....between them.

Why he never talks about his father...why she never wants to hear.

they hug and kiss and would do anything for each other...but at the same time...something unspeakable happened here and neither of them are willing to acknowledge it

[i say kiss because familiar kisses are a thing but i'm not 100% sure they happen out of the south so like;;]

-anyway if Teru and Shou ever start talking about their feelings they would get...so frustrated with each other. constantly trying to say who had the shittier experience because i feel like this shouuppance [pardon the pun] is a core part of their characters and honestly it would reach a point where they would fucking f i g h t.

But in the end it turns out being good for them because they had the chance to let off some of the steam that they’ve been building up and lets them relax a bit and they eventually realize they won't win against each other. They’re both too stubborn. and instead they start comparing stories and laughing their ass off about how fucked up they are.

ex:

Shou: And then he left me locked in that room for three days without any food lol!!!

Teru: Oh god, do i feel that!! I don’t have anybody to take care of me so It's just constant isolation and if I get sick, well then! I’m not eating till I recover!

-

[Anyway this post is 1000ish words long so i’ll cut it here lol, I have more Shou hcs that I’ll probably upload later~~ Thanks for reading!]

#mob psycho 100 #mob psycho manga #mob psycho headcanon #tw; abuse #shou suzuki #i love him so much i just want to protect him please #;w;

[drabblesfromthemoon]

Fighting the Fight

The quote I uploaded is from Sherlock, a TV Series from BBC about another adaptation of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s Sherlock Holmes. It’s a great series, but I will not talk about a review.

I want to talk about what Sherlock and most people in my timeline talk about these days: depression & being suicidal.

First of all, I am not a clinically proven as depressed. Depression is not being sad once in awhile, we need to set this straight. It is not something that you can just “snap out of it”. Depression is not equal “galau”. It needs serious assessment because it is a serious mental illness. You can’t know how depressed you are from random quiz from Buzzfeed or Vonvon.

That being said, all depression-related things that I am saying here might not be clinically reliable, you will need to speak with professional.

Now, what is a depression?

Depression, quoted from American Psychiatric Association is a common and serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. The symptoms are as followed:

-         Feeling sad or having a depressed mood

-         Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed

-         Changes in appetite — weight loss or gain unrelated to dieting

-         Trouble sleeping or sleeping too much

-         Loss of energy or increased fatigue

-         Increase in purposeless physical activity (e.g., hand-wringing or pacing) or slowed movements and speech (actions observable by others)

-         Feeling worthless or guilty

-         Difficulty thinking, concentrating or making decisions

-         Thoughts of death or suicide

That last bit about thoughts of death or suicide is something that you will see in every depression test. That’s the turning point when your increasing sleeping habit – one you think you do because you’re tired – now turned to an escape of all shit that happens in your head. That will slowly turned to a devil’s whisper: why not sleep forever, then?

Let’s talk about being sad.

Let’s make this personal so you can understand better. I tried it before, suicide, when I was in high school. Do you know how much guts it takes to raise a knife towards your wrist? No God matters when you do it, just so you know. It’s one of the blank moment in your head when you just want to do it, how tempting it is to just drop dead than sleeping in constant nightmares, wake up with massive migraines and feeling absolutely worthless afterwards.

Now what lead me to that path?

It started years before when I just graduated elementary school. My parents apparently, decided to get a divorce (I am not going to tell the detail about how it goes.) I had to be one of the daughter who must keep it inside, because my sister was in emotional roller coaster as well. One must become strong for the other, and at that time it was me and my brother. It was pretty bad, a lot of shit happened, and I was in emotional wreck for years all the way until high school.

The self-harm started during that divorce happen, I start to 'clawing’ myself to stop myself from crying (no one noticed because I did it on my upper leg). Soon it become hard to cry and my body won’t stop shaking until I calm down. Someone (who supposed to be my support) witnessed it, and he just said that I’m behaving like an insane kid, borderline crazy, and just let me shake. In the morning, I am that girl who laughed a lot at school. It happens on and on until I finally released myself from that place.

I was like in my senior year of middle school when I got out from there with my sister after 2 years. Then I moved to Depok. Everyone is ultra nice, my place is great, we have a little garden with a bunch of lele in a pond, lol (god damn that was so many lele). I make lots of friends, and we have this group called Miss Universe (stfu, we are just as fab as Miss Universe). Life is a teenage drama, all so fucking cheesy but it was fun laughing out loud all the time.

But the ghost came haunting every night and I can’t even explain how you can feel worthless in that kind of environment. I don’t even know why I’m sad, or if it’s related to the divorce. (Because let me tell you, I’m accepting the divorce whole-heartedly). I start writing sad poems about being alone and losing sleep for days, and then cry a bit. And then nightmares came following with massive headache.

I can’t talk to anyone, can’t talk to someone when you can’t even explain what happened to you. If you do it anyway, they will tell you to “be patient”. Oh, how stinks that words are. I’d rather curl up and die than hearing it again.  Soon enough, I can’t even cry. That cycle happens for 2 years.

And then it was just… happen.

At that time, I raised the knife because that’s the only suicide method I know. And let me tell you, as I told above, nothing else matters. That God you are talking about does not matter then. I was just physically and emotionally tired, that’s all I know.

(“Oh but God is everything, how could you forget him omg do you go to church omg omg” Shut the fuck up)

The one that stopped me was something that my brother said years ago about the divorce and being a broken home kid in general, which I doubt he still remember by now. The words are exactly like this:

“Kamu beruntung dari anak lain, kamu punya kesempatan lebih cepat untuk jadi dewasa.”

“You are luckier than other kids, you got the chance to mature faster than kids your age.”

Those words made me release the knife and finally after months of inability to cry, I cried then. Days after, I cried in front of my friends until I lost ability to walk home. I think ‘those friends’ know who they are. Some are crying with me, the other one is now a doctor, who apparently can’t forget his experience in high school about how terrifying the mix of emotional breakdown and stomach ulcer is, lol

For those who have a sad friend, console them. You don’t have to talk much, just listen whenever they need you. A few pat on the back, and a hug. If they don’t cry, you cry for them. Drop that “be patient” and “just pray to god, lol” bullshit please. You are one of God’s way to make them feel better, do your damn job. Your friend is extremely tired beyond imagination, he is fighting a fight that he possibly can’t win, and he’s clenching really hard to live.

Depression is a fight in a Colosseum. You can have hundreds to cheer for you, but you are alone in this fight. The weapon probably isn’t as big as you think. Maybe it’s just how you like to see something in the future, maybe it’s that delicious cake you want to keep eating, maybe it’s just simple words, maybe it’s people you want to protect.

What it takes to win for me?

Let’s go back to the Sherlock quotes.

People who are sad, depressed, and all things similar – us – are creatures who crave love. All those façade we have been wearing is to make sure people we love don’t know, because they don’t have to. Let them live in their sparkling life, they won’t understand, they don’t have to understand, that’s what I thought.

These ‘people’ are of course whose who important to us, who we want to protect. The one that protect me from the knife are my brother’s words, and how devastated my family and my friends who cried with me if I die. They will cry in a condition when they know nothing, regretting and blaming themselves. And the depression cycle shall ensue again.

Now, after years, I can tell you, I am still a worthless piece of shit. If I have a worth, it is just because they will be devastated when I’m gone. I live for them, not for myself.

I can’t tell you that’s it’s a happy life, it is kind of empty. But it keep me breathing until now, that’s all that matters.  And it is a life when you cherish every second of laughter with your loved ones. I am willing to fight, no matter how crazy and painful the ride is. To win, you have to live. This is the battle of endurance, take all you need to keep breathing, claw your hands through the walls to stay sane.

Lastly, condolences to all friends who left us. They did well, they fought well. We will continue the war on earth, please be one of the angels who remind us of people we love whenever the urge comes up. Again.

#suicide #jonghyun #sherlock #depression #suicidal #depresi #about suicide

[ahelicoptermom]

New Post has been published on A Helicopter Mom

New Post has been published on http://ahelicoptermom.com/skin-advisor-analysis-perfect-skin-product

Skin Advisor Analysis - the Perfect Skin Product for You

Have you ever looked in a magazine or seen someone on tv and wondered… how do they have such flawless skin? And more importantly, how can I make MY skin look more like that? It seems like no matter where I look I see beautiful, healthy, youthful looking skin… until I look in the mirror and wonder where that glowing youthfulness went!

When I heard about Olay’s new 28 Day Skin Study which helps you to find the perfect skin care regime for you, I jumped at the chance to try it. They have even created a Skin Advisor Tool online to make it simple and easy for you to discover just exactly which Olay skin product would work best in helping you to combat your “problem areas” and help put off the inevitable signs of aging. It sounded right up my alley!

The way that it works is from your mobile device you visit https://skinadvisor.olay.com and snap a photo of yourself with no makeup on and no expression – that way they can really SEE your skin. When you upload that picture the Skin Advisor Tool will analyze your color, eye lines, wrinkles, and more – giving you an age estimate.

I have to admit – that part terrified me a bit – but I was actually pleasantly surprised with how old The Skin Advisor Tool guessed me to be. I was fearful that it was going to come back telling me I looked WAY older than I am actually am. My skin wasn’t as bad off as I thought it was – but even a few years older than I actually am was not exactly what I wanted to see.

Next, the Skin Advisor Tool gives you specific product recommendations for your skincare needs that you can purchase at your local Walmart. The Skin Advisor analyzes the appearance of your forehead, crows feet, under eyes, cheek and mouth – and can give suggestions based on your results for just exactly which product would give you the best results based on the current condition of your skin. It also asks you what you think your biggest problem areas are and takes that into consideration, too. Talk about technology! In a matter of almost seconds this state-of-the-art mobile site was able to pinpoint exactly what products I need to achieve softer, more age-defying skin.

The Olay Skin Advisor Tool suggested the Regenerist Mico-sculpting Cream and Olay Eyes Eye Lifting Serum as the first two Olay products to get me started with my new skin care regime.

The Regenerist Mico-sculpting Cream is designed to help visibly reduce wrinkles starting day one! I do not have a lot of wrinkles – thank goodness – but I know starting to use a product like this now will help reduce the wrinkles I do have, and help to prevent wrinkles as I get older.

The Olay Regenerist Micro-Sculpting Cream reveals younger-looking skin with its unique formula, with an advanced Amino-Peptide Complex and hyaluronic acid that penetrates deep into skin’s surface to visibly reduce the appearance of wrinkles fast. I do not know if I could tell a difference the very FIRST day – but definitely by the end of the first week I was noticing a difference, and a friend of mine commented that I “looked like I felt better”… the problem was that I had not felt bad! LOL However it was acknowledgment that she could tell SOMETHING was different.

I was most excited to see the results after 28 days from the Olay Eyes Eye Lifting Serum. As a busy mom, I have to say that I do not get the amount of rest that I probably should, and you can definitely tell by looking at my eyes.

That was what I chose as my main problem area in the Skin Advisor Tool because that is the first thing I see every time I look in the mirror or see myself in pictures. I feel like there are times when my eyes – and the bags and wrinkles that surround them – make me look older and more tired than I actually am. I have used other eye creams that have irritated my skin or felt greasy – and this went on great.

I have only been using these products for 28 Days, and I am already amazed with the results! Just imagine how good it will be 6 months from now! I am someone who has a bathroom drawer “grave yard” of products that I have purchased and tried either with little to no results or with irritation – and I do not even have sensitive skin!

You can try the Olay Skin Advisor Tool and see what Olay Products would work best for you by visiting skinadvisor.olay.com from your mobile device. Once you’ve done your own 28 Day Study to see how Olay can help you visibly improve the look, feel, and texture of your skin, check out your favorite Olay products at Walmart!

#beauty #review

[independentpanda-blog1]

One of my classes this semester is Foundations of Creative Writing (which is different from a class I have called Creative Writing, and there isn’t much of a difference, aside from teaching styles). In this class, everyone gets workshopped at some point. They submit a short story or poem and the class reads it beforehand, brings in notes, and discusses the piece of writing in class. 

I was hoping to get a workshopping slot later on in the semester, to give my procrastinating worrying ass some time to write something. 

I’m getting workshopped on Thursday. I can’t remember if I’m the first or second person, but that doesn’t matter. I’m still getting workshopped on Thursday. And it’s Monday. And I have to submit it online at least 24 hours before the class so everyone has a chance to read it. 

So I have to upload a story for my classmates to read and judge and comment on by Wednesday morning at 9:30 am. 

That doesn't work for me. I have several problems, including perfectionism when it comes to my writing, the need to either be better than everyone at writing (which is a whole other issue I could write a fucking book about), and and intense need to have everybody think, no, know that I am an amazing writer. That I’m good at it, exceptional. 

I might be able to make it good enough for my sharing standards by Wednesday at 9:30 am, but that’s not the problem. The problem is that I’m going to worry about it endlessly, even after it’s already been workshopped and I’ve already gotten comments. Cause we only get one workshop day for the entire semester, this is my only chance to prove to my classmates that I’m an incredible writer with some serious chops that they should admire (also a problem I have). And I am goddamn terrified I won’t be able to do that.

And if it doesn’t happen, if I fail to produce a masterpiece (or something close to that), and my classmates know and tell me so and explain all the reasons why it isn't a masterpiece, then I’ll hate being in that class for the rest of the semester (I think). I’ll be embarrassed, pissed at myself for not showing my full potential, low key a little mad because my classmates won’t have “recognized my genius” because obviously I can write something amazing and flaw-free in two days and if it’s not incredible and flawless then clearly I’m a horrible writer and should just stop.

See what I mean?

It’s ridiculous. 

I hate that I’m so worried and so convinced that even if they don’t like it I’ll just dismiss it as them not knowing a good story when they see because they didn’t get the training in high school I did. 

I have a thick skin. I can take criticism. I’m okay with it if people have problems with my story, if it has things that could be changed, fixed, updated. Or if the whole story’s shit.

That happens sometimes. I don’t always like it and I don’t always accept it easily, but I know that it does and usually I get past it.

BUT THIS FUCKING ASSIGNMENT. 

GOD.

I just can’t let it go and IT HASN’T EVEN HAPPENED YET. 

I just need to write it, to the best of my ability, and just deal with it if it’s not as great as I want it to be, if it doesn't properly display my abilities as a writer. 

Because I will likely never see the people in this class again. 

But again, I have a really horrible need for everyone to think I’m a great writer, for everyone to know that I have this talent and I’m good at it (and there’s also an underlying layer of this that involves the worry that I’m not actually good and the need for people tot think I am just comes from the insecurity that I suck at writing- it’s complicated). 

Even in my Creative Writing class today, I read part of the short story I wrote almost exclusively right before class. I was happy with it, especially for extremely last minute, but as soon as I read part of the beginning, I despised it. I realized the part I was reading wouldn’t seem good without the whole thing, and I “realized” what my classmates were totally 100% thinking about my piece which is that it was crappy and why is she in this class, why is she even a creative writing major that makes no sense. 

This is why my brain sucks cause I have these feelings and impressions and I’m always so fucking sure about what people think of me and the things I create, but there’s also a part of my brain that’s like

um

wat?

AND IT’S SO STRESSFUL AND TIRING AND I DON’T UNDERSTAND. 

god i hate my brain

You guys ever hate your brain? 

Probably some people, yeah.

I’m okay by the way lol. Just stressed. It’s all good. :)

- nancy :D 

#independentpanda #nancy #brains #really really really amateur self psychology if you can even call it that #writing #college #college classes #creative writing #insecurity because yay for natural human feelings that we all have let's feel inadequate together #we're not inadequate tho guys okay #whatever we are is cool #just be you man as long as you're happy and healthy and safe and not hurting anyone else #when did this turn into a motivational speech #ok I'm gonna go get dinner talk to you guys next week maybe if i can get my shit together