#I am very tired and having a bad mental health day so this is probably not very coherent

[icanseethefuture333]

Glamour Witch 🕯

A guide to confidence, beauty, & self love 🪞🩰🦢🍒💌

How I made glamour magick efficient for me and why working with the goddess Aphrodite shifted my self concept + help me connect to the divine feminine 🕊

First let's do a back story on my relationship with my matron 🌸:

My spiritual awakening happened when I was 17 years old after experiencing the loss of a loved one and coping with past trauma. I went into my adolescence with fear, agony, and poor self esteem. I was very much so a tomboy as a teenager (to this day I still have masculine qualities that I am now proud of and balanced it with my feminine side) but I was so out of touch with what being a "girl" was. I felt really self conscious about not being "woman" enough and had a complicated view on my gender (since I realized I was nonbinary at 14). I became interested in the occult since I grew up in a spiritual household (crystals, manifestation, etc) but never really got to engage with things like tarot or witchcraft because it was considered taboo. I had a reading done one day and I was told that Aphrodite wanted to work with me as my deity. My teenage self was confused by this because I thought - "The goddess of beauty and love wanted to work with me? Well that can't be right." I was expecting something more dark or cool like Hades or Hermes or whatever because that was just my personal style since I dressed very alternatively. I was nervous, but also intrigued. As I begun to pray to her and started doing spellwork - I felt safe, I felt loved, it was like a mother watching over me. I started learning how to do makeup for my ethnic features and became more educated about fashion and what it means to really be a true feminist. I learned to say fuck the binary system and made my own definition of not what just being a "woman" is but also what being "feminine" meant to me, period. You can be whatever you want to be and be beautiful regardless of what your appearance is like. Some days I want to wear snapbacks and sneakers, other times I wanna wear high heels with a flattering dress. I do what makes me feel comfortable and that's nobody's business but mine. Society made us believe that being sensitive, caring, or intuitive - the traits of the divine feminine (which we have in us all) as bad when it's not. There's strength in being soft and delicate. Be gentle towards yourself, my loves.

Embrace your shadow self to manifest your dream life ✨️:

You know what people will never tell you or admit to you on social media? Is that you can be self conscious and still be confident at the same time. Confidence is just being comfortable with yourself and knowing despite what you've been through or are feeling in the moment, it should not hold you back from achieving your fullest potential. Like Megan Thee Stallion said "Bad bitches have bad days too" And it's true! I have my good days and then I have my bad days, but even when I'm doubting or losing my faith, I always get back up by keep going. Why? It's because if I stop then I'm not living. I'm not being grateful for the life I still have while there are people out there battling severe illnesses and don't have much time left. Nobody wants to be candid and only want to portray themselves as perfect, when nobody is. It's a damaging narrative to think you have to be popping on social media and always staying positive. I don't know why being vulnerable is such a stigma these days. Everyone is scared of being hurt, sure, but there is so much power in knowing what you makes you happy and being able to voice what your wants/needs are. You get to live for yourself and not what others want you to be. Not to mention the importance of having the power and ability to set the boundaries your inner child probably never got to have?! I'm so tired of people spreading the belief of that you shouldn't talk about mental health, trauma, or personal fears because it makes you seem "weak" or "easy prey". That is the same tactics abusers use to make their victims stay hushed and makes them not able to stand up for themselves. That way of thinking is victim blaming! If you as a person, feel brave enough to discuss what the fuck is going on in your mind that does not make you a weakling, that makes you strong as hell. They are the weak ones for taking advantage of people who were already suffering. It's time to forgive yourself for your past mistakes and acknowledge what happened, but do not let it control you. You don't have to let go or get over it, it's okay if it's still a wound for you but you can choose to make it better by creating a better future by working with your higher self. Think about who you want to be, how you want to appear, what career you aspire to have, etc. Either write it down, visualize, or make a vision board. Release the old version of you and thank them for helping you survive.

I have been reading the book Mirror Work by Louise Hay and it entails about how the negative things people said or the difficult experiences we had dealt with in our lifetime gets stored in our subconscious mind. When we make jokes that are self depreciating or engage in self degrading behavior, it harms us even more, preventing us from maturing or loving ourselves. Doing shadow work is uncomfortable for everyone but it is a must to process the patterns in your life and learn as to why you become the person you are today. Being aware of your triggers and what makes you tick. Can make you more emotionally intelligent and be able to have a healthier conversation as well as creating lasting positive connections.

Books I recommend for subconscious reprogramming, shadow work, & healing from trauma:

Mirror Work by Louise Hay

"The Courage to" book series by Ichiro Kishimi & Fumitake Koga

Boundaries by Dr. Henry Cloud & Dr. John Townsend

The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle

The Self Confidence Workbook by Barbara Markway & Celia Ampel

Psychology of The Unconscious by Dr. Carl Jung

It Didn't Start With You by Mark Wolynn

You can also find shadow work prompts on pinterest.

Don't just say it, do it! 11 ways to actually practice self care:

Making a goal and actually putting the effort in can be tough for some individuals, especially for those diagnosed with depression. That's why it's important to be patient with yourself and understand that healing is a journey, not a race! A youtuber I have been enjoying and watching lately is the critically acclaimed, thewizardliz: An Iranian woman who gives advice on confidence, discipline, and more! A video that I watched of hers recently was called and bluntly titled: "How to stop being lazy & pathetic". In most of liz's videos she is someone who is tough but is also tender. She explains that when we are procrastinating it's because we are thinking of just the end goal, which scares us and makes us overthink about what to do or how to do it. When really, we can just take small, simple steps at a time to reach towards what we wish yo accomplish, so that way it will feel less intimidating. If you have a essay that's due for example, try to write a few sentences each day, or think about how good it would feel if you were to get a good grade on your paper. Think of it this way - Would you rather slack and be upset you failed? Or would you rather prevent that from happening so you can be proud of what you achieved? Figure out what motivates you as a person and write it down so you can always be reminded of the confident being you wish to become.

Journaling: This is such a crucial hobby that I believe everyone should have. Writing down your thoughts or feelings helps not only increases your intelligence and brain health, but it also helps navigate your feelings better when you are facing a problem. You are able to reflect inward and discover the different parts of your psyche that you never knew you had.

Art: Divine feminine energy embodies the source of creation and life. The same way people with wombs give birth to children, an artist's project can be their beautiful baby. Find what type of art form brings you peace and allows you to express yourself (poetry, songwriting, dancing, painting, woodcarving, etc).

Exercise: I know this is something that some people struggle with (me included 💀) and when people hear that it's like "Ugh, I don't wanna work out! It's too hard!" but just hear me out okay? We have to exercise so our internal organs can stay healthy. When we don't take care of ourselves by not at least taking 15 minutes out of our day by owalking, exercising, or cardio, when there is 24 hours in a day... That is a major neglect to yourself. Just remember that it is a privilege that you still have the ability to move, jump, lift, run, squat, and even more. When there are people who suffer from chronic pain and disabilities that are still making sure to take care of their physical health because they have no other choice. When you think about how you're too "lazy" and you can't do it because of your "laziness", think of those people! Cherish the health that you have before it's too late. You can start by stretching, going for walks, or watching workout videos for beginners on YouTube.

Build a schedule: Having a routine is so important because it helps reduce stress and organizes the task that we have to do throughout our day. Make a sleep schedule for yourself as well. Going to bed late until 3 am in the morning or waking up too early is unsafe and makes you less alert when you are out in the world. So please be careful! Try to at least get 6 hours of sleep a day. Drinking tea, taking a warm bath, or using essential oils can help you fall asleep if you don't like using melatonin.

Cleanliness & Hygiene: It's unfortunate that I have to say this but some people were not taught by their parents on how to be clean. Or how cishet men feel that being hygienic is "gay". That's absurd! Everyone should have a clean house, clean body, and a good hygiene routine. There is no excuse for that. Even when I was depressed I still would get up to brush my teeth or wash my hair because I knew that if I were to ever go too long without taking care of my hygiene I'd have to deal with damaging my teeth, hair, or skin. Everything has a cause and effect when you neglect doing self care and that could also be apart of the reason why you feel so down about your looks is due to that lack of poor hygiene. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant or you need to do a 10 step skincare routine all the time. You can buy beauty products for cheap at off price retail stores and combs, toothbrushes, etc, at the dollar store. All you gotta do is wash your face and shower daily (scrub in between your ass cheeks, please and thank you 💀), brush your teeth at least 3 or more times a day, moisturize with lotions, use a sunscreen (cus nobody got time for skin cancer), apply deodorant, and that's literally it. You can use toners, serums, and skin treatments if you feel like iy but it's not neccessary unless you have specific concerns (acne, wrinkles, etc).

Personal finance 💵: As a Capricorn ♑️, there is nothing more important to me than having my own money. Knowing how to budget and being responsible with your funds is so crucial. You can manifest prosperity and be wealthy, but if you don't know what to do with a million dollars, how could you ever receive it? It is so attractive when someone is wise with their money. I took elective classes in high school for commercial art, marketing, and personal finance so that way I could learn to how to be independent as an adult and not have to "hustle" or live the struggle life. Always take care of your household bills (utilities, repairs, gas for the car, etc.) first and then leave a certain amount for yourself for when you want to have fun, go shopping, etc. Learn about how to make an investment, as well as stocks, because that is another way that you can make a lot of money (and no I don't mean Crypto or NFTs 😭)

Education is key 📚: READ HEAUXS REEEEAD 👓 Make those sapiosexuals quiver with your big sexy brain 🧠. I just feel like in general we need to be knowledgeable about our history and *Jaden Smith voice* the political state of the world right now. Being dismissive and ignorant is a major turn off. You have to be able to know how to communicate in certain settings or talk about certain subjects, or else you're gonna just look and sound dumb. I don't care if you like to read about insects or flowers, just find a topic that interests you.

Boundaries: A simple way to start implementing self care into your daily routine is by being able to say "Yes." Or "No." I know for women it is hard to assert themselves and say no especially when there is a grimy ass man tryna flirt with you (ayoooo shawty 🤓), but for your own protection you gotta do it. When people know you are not stern and you are not able to defend yourself, they take advantage of that. It makes you an easy target. Let's say for a example, you have a overbearing parent that constantly drains and takes from your energy. This parent doesn't respect you and makes you feel bad about yourself because you let them. When they ask you for something, you can just say; "Thank you but I will not be doing that. It would be an inconvenience for me right now because I have to focus on ___" or "I would prefer not to do that because I have to do ___ this week and it's very important". Even if it's not anything actually important, still say no. Another example is if you have a friend that's toxic and is not elevating you in any type of way (mentally, emotionally, or finacially). Then tell them that and cut them off. You are not obligated to stay around anyone who brings you down. Here is a list of ways to set boundaries professionally. Also learn to stop over apologizing here is what you can do instead. Margot Robbie learned to say "Thank you" instead of saying "sorry" because of Barbie.

Meditation 🧘🏽‍♀️: A useful skill in embracing your thoughts, whether they are positive or negative, to help in finding your inner zen. Meditation was something that was tricky for me at first. Most people say to "empty your mind and be still" when meditating and for someone with ADHD, I was like... "Umm, this is boring 💀???" but overtime I tried it a few times again and have grown to appreciate it! I learned that meditation was actually quite helpful for me, especially when I felt burdened with too many tasks, or was dealing racing thoughts. It just really helped me calm down, especially when I was feeling overwhelmed (for people who experience sensory overloads I highly recommend!). I no longer feel ashamed or fearful of when a intrusive thought crosses my mind. I just simply let that thought pass through and go on about my day. The average young adult has over 6,000 thoughts a day, so why would I give something so meaningless power? I am in control of myself and what I react to. For this, it will allow you to do the same.

Spend time with a loved one: I'm sure we all have someone who we consider our comfort person or a special pet that makes us feel calm. Humans are animals, sometimes we need that social interaction to stay sane during troubling times. Make a phone call, text, or plan to meet up with a friend or family member this week. Maybe even step out of your comfort zone and ask an acquaintance out for lunch.

Be brave: Remember what I said about stepping out of your comfort zone? That's right. It's time to stop living life of regrets and live a life of excitement. I want you to think about something you've been really wanting to do lately but haven't pursued it yet because of fear, doubt, or limiting beliefs. Take a deep breath and release it to the universe, your spirit guides, or any deity that you worship. Maybe there is a person you have a crush that you have been wanting to ask out lately or have been wanting to dye your hair a new color but were afraid of how it would turn out. Whatever it is, just have courage to go after what you want for once. For being brave is just about taking a leap of faith, even when you are scared.

How to awaken your inner goddess ✨️:

Loving yourself shouldn't be a chore, it should be a ritual baby 😌! Now for my beginner witches or practioners in closed practices. I know it can be intimidating to start doing deity work. That's why you have to take things slow and go at your own pace. I always recommend starting with doing a cleansing (burning incense, spraying florida water, etc) or a protection spell before doing any other kind of magick. Even though yes, I do worship Aphrodite, it is not neccessary for people to only go to her for a "glow up". There are sooooo many deities who are also gods or goddesses of love, beauty, etc. Naturally, a deity will show you signs that they wish to work with you, so makw sure to be on the look out for that!

Also if you are a woman of color like mwuahhh 😘 then here are a list of deities that also represent love, confidence, beauty, fertility, & creativity in African, Asian, Indigenous, & Pacific Islander religions:

Oshun (closed practice / Yoruba)

Yenaya (closed practice / Yoruba)

Hathor

Bastet

Isis

Astarte

Rati (Hinduism)

Lakshimi (Hinduism)

弁才天 / Benzaiten (Japanese Buddhism)

자청비 / Jacheongbi

仰阿莎 / Yang Asha

Liễu Hạnh

Mayari

Laka

Xochiquetzal

Estsanatlehi

Other deities are:

Apollo, Cupid, Eros, Priapus, Min, Brigid, & Dionyus

There is also ascended masters, saints, archangels, ancestors, & spirit guides that you can connect with. I recommend building a relationship with your ancestors first.

How to talk your deity:

Create an altar for them or a sacred space.

Cleanse the area to avoid interacting with trickster spirits.

Place offerings on the table (make sure to look up what offerings they like!).

Light a candle or burn incense for them.

Write them a letter or pray. You can ask them for help with your specific needs or just talk to them about your day or how you are currently feeling.

BE CONSISTENT! Deities are not one of your little friends, they are gods/goddesses. Show them respect by praying, including them in spellwork, and giving them offerings frequently (they are understanding if you cannot give them food or drinks all the time though if you cannot afford it).

The final boss, The Enchantress 🔮❄️:

"SHADOW MONEY WIZARD GANGGG! We love casting spells 😈"

Alright, alright. I know you guys were reading all this thinking "Bitch where tf is the tutorial??? 😭" BUT WHAT I HAD TO SAY WAS IMPORTANT SO YOU CAN HAVE LONG TERM RESULTS 💀! Here is the moment you've all been waiting forrr 🤭!

101 on Glamour Magick:

The days of the week are connected to the planets.

Friday is a good day for casting love and beauty spells since it's ruler is Venus. While on Monday you can cast spells for healing & enhancing psychic powers, since it's ruler is the Moon. Thursday's ruler is Jupiter so you can cast spells for money and prosperity.

Buy a mirror that is for your special use only (If someone ends up accidently using it it's okay nothing bad will happen to them). Spray it with a window cleaner and wipe it down counter clockwise, say what your intention is for the mirror as you clean it. You can buy any kind of mirror you like (compact mirror, hand held mirror, desktop mirror, etc).

You can use your mirror for scrying or seeing into the future (divination).

When doing your mirror work, look into your eyes, and affirm to yourself. It can be anything you wish to say. Just let it flow naturally. It might feel uncomfortable at first but as you continue to practice it you will feel more confident about it.

Include your deity while affirming. (When I do this, I show appreciation to Aphrodite, and thank her for blessing me with such beauty and grace. Even when in the moment I don't have the results I wish to see, I know it is going to happen because I have faith in her.)

Ask your ancestors what their beauty rituals and regimes were. Doing routines that your ancestors did will create a closer bond with them and also build confidence in your ethnic features.

Items that are represented as love: roses, cinnamon, honey, sugar, vanilla, coriander, basil, chamomile, carnations, tulips, lockets, keys, & hearts

Items that are represented as beauty: cowrie shells, orchids, peony, ribbons, veils, & bows

Items that help enhance intuition: seashells, conch shells, rosemary, lotuses, & feathers

Chinese guashas & jade rollers help reduce stress, tension, and puffiness in your facial muscles. It can also help sculpt your face.

African waistbeads were worn by women under their clothes to help slim their waist and also attract love. Depending on the crystals used, it would also help manifest abundance.

Some beauty crystals used for love, beauty, & intuition are: Rose quartz, jade, pink tourmaline, moonstone, amethyst, selenite, garnet, carnelian, and turquoise.

You can carve sigils or symbols onto your candle, an easy one to use is the venus symbol ♀️.

A list of meanings for the scents of the candle, wax, or deodorizer in your home. Here is the list for incense.

Candles are great to seal your spell jars or use on their own for magick.

A list of different burning sticks you can use (smudging, white sage, and Palo Santo is a closed practice)

The scent of your perfume can be used for seduction or attracting love/popularity.

Soap, shampoo, or conditioner can be used to cleanse your energy.

Ingredients in foods, cleaning, haircare, skincare, or beauty products can have magical properties that you can attract towards you or your home. (I.E: Lavendar for peace & tranquility, Lemon for warding off negative energy, & Vanilla for love)

"The hair theory" trend is a form of glamour magick. Doing your hair differently can create a new persona and change how people perceive you.

Depending on your hair color it can represent the elements.

Your hair texture can symbolize what power you have: Coily hair grows upward and rises towards the sun. When using their awareness, they are highly observant and courageous. Coily hair has the fire element. Curly hair breaks hexes and spiritually protects the mind. Due to it's volume and resemblance to a cloud, it has the air element. People with wavy hair are intuitive, affectionate, and sensitive, their element is water. Straight hair is the most connected to the earth. People with this hair texture can be introverted, dependable, and grounded.

Your hair length signifies your current state of energy.

Short hair is connected to father sky.

Long hair is connected to mother earth.

It is best to cut your hair when you are in need of releasing stress, anguish, and turmoil.

You can set your intentions into the hair that you braid.

Black people can cornrow patterns or symbols onto their scalp for manifestation.

Locs symbolize freedom and wisdom from the ancestors.

Twists can be used for spiritual binding.

Read here for more on hair witchcraft & hair astrology.

Wearing headscarves, hijabs, bonnets, durags, or hats can protect you from the evil eye or if you're an empath, it can protect your energy from being drained in public spaces.

Do not make any physical changes during a Venus retrograde.

Plastic surgery can alter one's identity. It is like putting on a different mask. It can become an addiction to people who feel lost in life. While for others it can give them a new path to start on.

You can paint sigils or symbols for nail art.

The nail shape you have or get done at a salon can correspond to Onychomancy (https://www.tiktok.com/@taisoleil/video/7035737221068082479?_t=8etXLhtR3LH&_r=1)

You can also use yours or other's eyebrows for divination.

Straight eyebrows: someone who is level headed. Round eyebrows: someone who is compassionate with a kind heart. Arched eyebrows: someone who is independent. Thick eyebrows: someone who can be stubborn and goal oriented. Thin eyebrows: someone who is bold and daring. No eyebrows: someone who is a risk taker and can be careless. The unibrow: symbolizes good luck, fertility, & serendipity.

Your eyelashes are for good luck (which is why people make a wish on fallen lashes, they are similar to dandelions).

Different lash styles can be used as a "barricade".

Manga/spiked lashes: makes you appear pure & innocent, can get away with stuff more. Fluffy lashes: depending on the thickness, it can resemble a spider, therefore can cause someone to have a intensive aura. Cat/hybrid lashes: Increase in clairvoyance, see past the 3D, and have the senses of a feline. Natural lashes: The gaze will be comforting and welcoming to others, they can see into your soul.

Your eye color can mean what powers you have for spells. Colored contacts can create a different outcome.

Glasses can be used for insight and enlightenment. While sunglasses or shades, can make you more mysterious/hide your identity.

For those with periods, cycle syncing can help with increasing productivity.

Depending on your body shape, weight, & features it could symbolize your status in society.

In ancient Greece, people who were voluptuous with plump bellies were seen as healthy & rich. It was a sign of being well fed and treated like royalty.

In Africa & Southeast Asia, long necks signify having dignity & elegance.

Being tall could be seen as powerful, while being short could be seen as delicate. If you are average height, you could be seen as harmonious.

Physiognomy is the method of using the face & body for divination. In China, it is a popular method for readings.

Moles, birthmarks, & skin tags are believed to be the sign of being a Witch.

Vitiligo can mean spiritual purification & finding beauty in your imperfections.

It has been said that freckles are kisses from the angels. These people themselves can be described as earth angels or have a closer connection with archangels.

The form of your freckles can symbolize different things. If they form in a straight line, it could mean you are a focused person. If they are scattered, you like to go with the flow in life. If your freckles come and go during the seasons, you like to experience change or excitement often in your life.

Freckles & beauty marks overall show signs of a person having a unique character.

The clothing you wear can have a mystical effect.

Baggy/layered clothing: spiritually protective. Revealing clothing: free spirited & alluring. Patterned clothing: Makes you illusive or hard to decipher. Animal print clothing: embodies the energy of said animal (I.E: Tiger print would make you appear cunning & fierce). Colorful clothing: your spirit will seem more youthful & vivacious.

The shoes you wear can make you walk into new opportunities unexpectedly.

You can keep a piece of paper that has a spell in your shoes for good luck or attracting your desire.

Buying shoes and watches for your romantic partner is bad luck in hoodoo (Shoes can make someone walk out the door and leave forever. While watches can make someone look at the time they have left with you.)

Earrings can help you hear what others say about you or what gossip is going around. (I heard the most compliments the other day while wearing my gold hoops 💫)

A necklace that has a charm or crystal can be used as a tailsmans, amulet, or pendulum.

Wearing rings on which hand or finger could enhance your abilities.

The same way there is money bowls, you can also make love or beauty bowls, or even use your jewelry box.

You can use color magick when doing your makeup or choosing an outfit.

Primer, lotions/moisturizers, body butters, oils, and gels can be used for sigils.

Foundation is for stability and being secure with yourself.

Concealer "cloaks" or "veils" your weaknesses or insecurities.

Contour makes space and structure for your desire.

Eyeliner can be used as a tool. It wards off negative spirits & people with bad intentions.

In ancient Egypt, the use of Kohl represented rank and achievement.

Mascara can be used to give you a different perspective in things or make you more open minded.

Eyeshadow enhances your eyes & brings more depth or dimension. Makes your gaze hypnotic & enticing like a siren's.

Highlighter shines your best qualities.

Bronzer makes your presence more warm & friendly

Blush is for playfulness, youthfulness, flirtation, and vitality.

The lip product you use can speak your desires into fruition. It also make your words sound more beautiful. People will want to listen more because they will feel attracted to your voice.

Lip gloss: makes your intentions "stick" to you. Lipstick: Leaves a "mark" on your target (especially if it's someone you fancy 💋). Lip stain: makes your words have a permanent effect on people, they won't forget you. Flavored lip balms: makes your kisses addicting.

Powder enhances your spell & adds a touch of good luck.

Setting spray finishes the spell.

528 Hz is the frequency of love.

Listening to frequencies, music, & subliminals can attract your desires.

You can make a playlist for your deity or ancestors to channel messages from them.

Here are some celebrities who used mirror work or glamour magick to manifest:

Beyoncé's Renaissance album has themes of having a good self concept, knowing your worth, manifesting self love & abundance.

Marilyn Monroe used visualization & affirmations to manifest her beauty and fame: “I daydreamed chiefly about beauty. I dreamed of myself becoming so beautiful that people would turn to look at me when I passed.”

Michael Jackson would keep sticky notes and a diary full of affirmations in his room by his mirror: “I'm beautiful (4x). I'm gorgeous. [Bad..?] Is for me, who can be against me? I'm beautiful. I'm a new person now. Beautiful, knowing the secret, and determined with fire[?] to move mountains in all I do. Molding my own world. I'm beautiful. The old me is behind. I will much ahead anew. - MJ”

Alexa Demie stated in a interview with Vogue that she would say affirmations in the mirror daily in the morning and it helped her manifest clear skin: “I have beautiful, clear, acne-free, scar-free skin.”

Princess Nokia is a bruja and is well known for her constant change in appearance: “Casting spells with my cousins / I'm the head of this coven / I'm a shapeshifting bitch, you don't know who you loving.”

Thanks so much for reading, I wish you all the best of luck on your journey 🤍🤍🤍

#witchcraft #witches of color #witches of tumblr #love spell #glamour magick #mirror work #spell work #astrology #astro observations #pac #pick a card #affirmations #law of assumption #manifestation #ascendant #rising sign #desired appearance #shadow work #tarot #astrology observations #free readings #divine feminine #Aphrodite #hoodoo #greek mythology #orisha #oshun #yemaya #deity work #apollo

[bleach-blood-and-magnolias]

i’m losing my shit over how Larian catfished us into expecting Gortash to be this fucking rogue prince charming with a quick smile or whatever

and then we meet him and it’s literally Billie Joe Armstrong going through a midlife crisis so bad he’s like fuck it, i may or may have not been scheming my whole life to be the sole ruler of the entire world so this is kinda unorthodox but i will literally share my throne with you, a person who’s barely got a clue who i am, if you help me out a little, fuck it i’m so stressed out

and of fucking course his archduke portrait needs to be embellished. he will never admit this because it’s so important to him to be perceived as charismatic, powerful, competent and generally really fucking cool, but this man is TIRED. dude was born with bags under his eyes the size of a fist, lived in literall hell, then hustled and schemed his way into the most vicious level of politics, oh and planning the Absolute heist with Princess Stabs and Sad Grandpa certainly didn’t help. i mean we all know how that guy loves to suffer but let’s also all agree that he’s a MESS

like, he probably hasn’t gotten a full night’s sleep in years and lives off of coffee and cigarettes and vodka for breakfast and very likely cocaine because not even a triple espresso will do it for him anymore. he doesn’t want you to know but that man is EXHAUSTED and getting offed is actually surprisingly good for his mental health because maybe he’s damned for eternity, but at least he can finally REST for a minute

anyway i love him and the moment he looks up while kneeling during his coronation has altered my brain chemistry and made me switch from rat blood drinker to lord raccoon eyes so fast you couldn’t even say nearest and dearest. being a gortash simp is my personality now and i will hyperfixate on this bullshit till the day i die

#enver gortash #bg3 gortash #lord gortash #bg3 #baldur's gate 3 #baldur's gate iii #fuck it #gortash x durge #dark urge x gortash #goretash #durgetash #finland breakfast is his favourite kind of breakfast #*exes hot coffee with a double shot* let’s do this coronation #bg3 spoilers #it actually just occured to me to tag this as spoilers #as my own dumb ass hysterically scrolled through the tags until i spoiled the entire act 3 for myself lol

[apprenticestanheight]

Work Stress- Adam Stanheight x gn! reader

ALLLLLLL RIGHT, welcome to the monthly "my mental health is shit" fic that I bestow upon the people whenever my mental health isn't as great as it could be, which--in fairness--is nearly all the fucking time.

Two of these might be coming out this month, though! I have not had the greatest streak of days without anxiety lately and I write fics whenever it gets really bad. The day I finished this one, I was like "I am going to write something. for chainshipping (again)" so a chainshipping fic will probably be out by the end of the week

On some other notes, A: while it's not explicitly stated, the reader is what's traditionally considered midsized as that's what I am and I wanted to write a fic with my body type. As per usual with me, the reader is generally gn but as I know the anatomy best, they're AFAB. B: requests are starting to get looked at! I have one waiting to be finished, edited and posted sitting in my drafts but otherwise will have probably looked through and decided which requests I will do vs which ones I won't by the time this has been posted. Things will probably start coming out at the end of this week and keep coming out into next.

Fic type- this jumps into a lot of differing areas, but the main genres are quite possibly the oddest combination I've ever written--smut and angst.

Warnings- as this fic contains smut it caters to an audience of people 18+, so minors, DO NOT INTERACT. There is A LOT here--p in v, oral (both recieve, even if on Adams end the oral is only mentioned), doggy style, fingering, petplay kind of (I was trying to think of a gender neutral petname and puppy was the only thing my brain could think of at first. It's literally just used as a petname and gets overshadowed by 'baby' after a point bc I remembered that that word existed--I wrote a lot of this while tired, pls take some of the stuff in it with a grain of salt), as for sfw warnings: there's a mention of loss of appetite in relation to extreme stress

It's no secret to Adam that you've been having a very, very rough year.

You've been living together since just a couple weeks after he'd escaped the trap--he was taken from his apartment and found it too anxiety inducing to stay there so you let him move into yours.

You'd been dating since you were twenty one and at twenty six, moving in was bound to happen eventually, but getting out of his lease was taking a hell of a lot more time than Adam had originally anticipated.

He noticed every rough day in the bags that you'd begun to sport underneath your eyes, how late you came to bed and your reluctancy to be very affectionate with him--whenever things got bad, be it at work or with stuff going on in your head, you withdrew and pushed him away--and in the fact that you weren't eating as much, in that you always looked like your mind was somewhere else, wandering off completely.

So, one day near the middle of November--where he'd started to notice your bad days in very early March--he joins you in the kitchen while you speak to one of your bosses via phone call.

He presses a kiss to your forehead, grabs your hand, gives it a squeeze. He wants to cheer you up--you're prone to bad days due to insecurity and because of a long-standing not so great track record where your mental health is concerned--and, in that particular moment, finds himself willing to do anything.

You give your best go at grinning back at him, but it comes out looking like more of a grimace. You let Adams hand go to run a stressed hand through your hair, returning your hand to Adams and letting him interlace your fingers thereafter.

"Yes," you whisper. "I understand that things are always tough in the last quarter, but--" you sigh dejectedly as your boss cuts you off, and Adam presses another kiss to your forehead, letting his lips linger for a minute.

"Yes, Earle--but you're not seeing the point here. I'm eligible for the raise because I've kept the teams afloat! The only reason you're not also eligible for the raise is because you took an eight month vacation with PTO that you quite literally stole from other employees, myself included, and just because Monica isn't willing to fire you over that doesn't mean your actions didn't warrant alternative punishments," you lean forward, press a kiss to Adams shoulder. Adams grin widens slightly as he notices that you're visibly relaxing from his touches.

A solid two minutes of shouting pass by on the other end. Adam gives your hand a supportive squeeze whenever Earles voice raises another octave in his shouting, pressing kisses against your temple when you let him pull you into a half hug. He keeps hold of your hand when the position changes, your torso pressing against the counter as Adam stands in front of you.

"Earle--I am eligible for the raise because you took six weeks of PTO from me, which I only get thanks to our companies union," You snap. "Now, because I had to spend so much time doing my fucking job, unlike you, I'm eligible for enough of a raise to make me capable of buying a home by '06, and if you're pissed off at me for that, I genuinely cannot help you any further. I have a boyfriend who I would much rather be talking to over your sorry arse, so I'm going to hang up now and if you call me back, I will ignore it. Have the day you deserve, asshat."

You hang up the phone and sigh, gaze meeting Adams in an instant.

"'M sorry," you whisper, biting your top lip for a few seconds as you look at him. "Work has been a fuckin' mess since like, the end of February. I just--damn it all."

"Eh, Earle sounds like a dickhead," Adam laughs. "How does one even get away with--eight full months? Of PTO? How?"

"Per the union agreement we have, we get six weeks a year," you start. "It's why I'm always off in December--I like staying home when it gets cold, gives me an excuse to read and drink more tea than I should--but we've moved to digitizing off time recently. Took the six weeks I'd planned to pace between the end of this month and all of next and switched them up for himself. Did that with five other employees and still, Monica doesn't fire him. Just makes me eligible for a raise of fifteen dollars on company dime because the off time I lost out on forced me to do more while I was there. Our company has one hundred and eighty-six employees in the Jersey branch and a bunch of 'em like taking spaces in the last six months of the year off, so it was me managing two teams of eighty people. Not easy work at all."

Adam blinks. "Did Monica even offer to give you the PTO back?"

"She gave me hers," you shrug. "Earle can have a lot of fuckin' fun managing one hundred and sixty people by himself. I'll find out if I get the raise tomorrow morning and my PTO will kick in then, too. He can eat shit as far as I'm concerned, I have a long list of books and two boxes of my favorite tea to drink my way through as of tomorrow."

You let Adam lead you into your shared bedroom, humming as you lay down on your bed and close your eyes.

"Are you okay?" Adam asks.

"Been a very, very stressful eight months," you laugh. "Trying to think of what I need and only one thing continually comes to mind."

"What's that?" You can hear the eagerness behind the teasing tone in Adams voice.

"I need--uh--" You laugh, suddenly feeling a little awkward. Propositioning Adam for sex was not typically done with words but kisses and your hands on his chest, relishing in the way that he looked when he lead you to your bedroom and fucked you senseless.

"Go on, baby," Adam whispers, his lips suddenly near your ear. "Gonna say it?"

You hum, suddenly embarrassed at yourself, and Adam laughs.

"Use your words, puppy," He whispers, pressing a kiss against your earlobe. "How am I supposed to know what you want me to do if you don't use your words?"

You moan helplessly in response.

"You really are cute," Adam says. "Tough while at work, one phone call later and now you're helpless that you can't even speak. Can't even say one word."

"Adam," you breathe, both because it's the one word that's coming to mind and also because you know he loves the way you say his name when all you want is for him to fuck you.

"Good puppy," Adam presses a kiss to your cheek. "Tell me what you want me to do, mm? I'll do whatever you want, but if you want me to fuck you, know that you'll be in bed for a long time once we go to sleep. You're going to come a lot tonight, puppy. You deserve it."

You moan in response. "Please," you whisper.

"You want me to fuck you, puppy?"

"Yeah," you nod. "Adam--I need you to. Don't wanna think anymore. In eight months, I've thought enough for eight lifetimes. Fuck me senseless, please."

"Whatever you want," Adam says, pulling you into a long kiss that has your head spinning.

You spend the next few minutes like that, in a kiss that's so intense, so loving and so fucking good that you wonder how you've been able to go so long being fine with quick kisses and self gratification.

The first kiss reminds you of how amazing it is to be kissed by Adam whenever the more dominant side of him comes out for a bit of fun, the way that his hands anchor themselves on your hips before one slides up your torso to cup your face, the sureness of his tongue in your mouth--everything feels amazing, and it's almost like it's too good to be true.

And then Adam pulls away for air and your eyes are opening and his lips are against your clothed shoulder, breathing in deeply with a smile on his face.

"I'm sorry we've not been--well--" you start. Adam tilts your chin upward and presses a kiss on the underside of your jaw. "I've been a terrible--"

"I've missed this, sure," Adam says, pressing another kiss against the underside of your jaw. "Yeah. Of course I've missed it, Y/N, but I absolutely understand that you've been busy. Work has kept me busy, too, so I'm just glad we can have tonight. I've missed you so much and I just wanna make you forget about how shitty the past months have been. Wanna make sure the only word you remember how to stay is my name, and that's what I'm going to do tonight, puppy. Sounds good?"

You nod eagerly, which makes Adam laugh as the hand that's on your hip gives it a squeeze.

Your gaze becomes affixed to a random point on the ceiling as Adams kisses rove across the scope of your neck, one hand on your jaw to move your head whenever he wants better access.

After a point, you start to realize that his kisses are getting longer and not too long thereafter you realize that Adam is carefully laying hickeys over your neck and is taking his time with doing it.

You want to murmur a quip, do something to jab at the possessiveness hickeys usually carry, but right as you go to do so his lips and tongue find a home on the pulse point on the right side of your neck and all you can do is moan softly, one hand finding his hair.

"Adam," you whisper. "Fucking hell, Adam--you're going to drive me insane. Please don't stop."

You hear Adams laugh, slow, amused, a little sadistic. "Well, if I'm the one who drives you to insanity, I think that means I'm the one who has to pull you out of it, doesn't it, puppy?"

With the use of that one, silly nickname, you're reduced to what is basically a human shaped puddle, and Adam knows it. Whenever he calls you his puppy in a slightly dominant tone, your knees are at risk of giving out and the look you give him is tantamount to torture if he intends to tease you until you're begging.

"Mhm," you hum, moaning as Adams lips press in a peck against your pulse point. "Also means the same if you put me into subspace with all this foreplay, Adam."

Adam grins, and you let him tilt your chin so that your head turns to meet his gaze.

"Of course," he says. "I'm basically an aftercare god, despite the fact that Scott dunked on me for it while believing a cigarette afterwards is anything less than the bare minimum--I'll take good care of you once the session is done, puppy. I promise."

Your shoulders relax at the reassurance, and you grin as Adams lips press against your forehead.

You nod after a second. "Okay," you say. "I--thank you, for this. Pre-emptively."

Deep enough into subspace and you'll borderline on mute, only able to focus on how Adams ministrations feel. You have no doubt he intends to take you there tonight, so you feel the need to thank him before you slink that far in and have to wait for it to wear off to speak a coherent sentence to him again.

"We both need it, so it's my pleasure," Adam says, starting to undo the buttons of the black long sleeved button up you'd worn to work and had yet to take off that day. "And yours--it's both of us. I promise I'll start getting more dominant in a sec, these buttons hate me."

You laugh a little, helping him undo the rest of the buttons. "They're square. They hate everybody, me included. Getting this shirt on was a nightmare this morning and I've been reminded as to why I never wear the damn thing."

Adam uses the small of your back to guide you off the bed just enough to be able to completely take the shirt off, following it by the oddly quick--Adam is very, very good at undoing the pesky little hooks that hold bras together, oddly--removal of your bra.

His lips are on yours again, one hand on your bare hip while the other finds itself cupping your face, tongue gliding across your lip in asking for entrance which you grant as your arms wrap around his shoulders.

Kissing Adam in moments like that is always amazing--kissing him has been one of your favorite things since your romance started, even quick and chaste kisses that don't last more than a few seconds. Kissing Adam has never ceased to be an absolute delight, whether it led to sex or was used as an alternative form of "hello" "goodbye" "good night" or "good morning."

And then his lips start traversing down your neck once more, and then they go further.

Adam starts draping kiss after kiss across your torso, lips pressing against you in a way that allows his tongue to poke through his teeth as he kisses you with his mouth slightly open. Every single touch of his cold tongue against your warm skin makes you clench around nothing, quickens your heart rate and feels so impossibly delightful. Adam is kissing you in a way that damn near drives you insane, and you feel yourself sinking into how good his lips and tongue feel against you as he delivers praise between kisses.

"Such a good puppy for me, mm?" Adam murmurs when he's close to your belly button. "Taking all of this so well even though you probably just want me inside you already. Such a good cumdump for me, puppy. Perfect."

You hum in response, eyes drifting down to meet his gaze as he looks up at you. He smiles, briefly, before continuing with his kisses, letting himself spend a lot of time on your hips before his kisses rove across your stomach.

He kisses along your v-line slowly and in a way that makes you want to start begging, hands roving up from your hips to your biceps.

He glances at you for a second in the asking, waiting for you to nod. You do so and Adams hands move to your pants, taking them off along with your underwear before laughing at himself.

"I've got you here, lookin' fucking perfect," he says, kissing your bicep. "And yet I'm still clothed."

Your hands go to the hem of his shirt and he lets you pull it off, kissing the side of your shoulder as he watches you toss it near the laundry hamper in the far left corner of the room. Next come his pants and his boxers, which Adam takes off in a manner that's somehow effortless despite his continued kisses to your biceps throughout the process.

"I forget how much I love your arms until I'm kissing your biceps again," Adam says, laughing a little. "Fuck, baby. Your arms are fucking gorgeous."

You hum, pressing your head into the pillow behind you as Adams kisses start up again and his hands start wandering. One settles against your face, cupping it softly, and the other goes wandering delightfully down your torso, not stopping until his fingers are millimeters above your clit.

He pauses, gaze meeting yours in a way that feels almost a little sadistic.

"Gonna make you come so many times tonight, baby," he says. "Safe word?"

"Hibiscus," you whisper. It's a precaution for when you get really kinky, a word you came up with but, five years into your relationship, have yet to actually use.

Adams lips press against the center of your collarbone, "good puppy," he whispers against the skin.

His fingers start making slow, tantalizing circles around your clit, and his kisses continue, roving down your torso and staying in the general area of your hips and stomach.

A few minutes pass you by, and right when Adam has picked up the speed and is bringing you to the edge of an orgasm, he stops.

When he notices the disappointment in the way your head falls back onto the pillow, he wastes no time in licking his fingers clean of the wetness spread across them.

"Didn't think I'd let you come so soon, did you, puppy?" Adam moves up, lips near your ear. "I did say I'd make you come multiple times tonight, but I said nothing of letting you do so without a little edging first. Gonna edge you until the sun goes down, at least, and then make you cum until at least one or two in the morning. Gonna call in sick tomorrow, too, so that I'm not worrying about waking up and going into work."

"How much more time until the sunset?" You ask. It's four--the sunset can't really be so far off, can it?

"An hour," Adam says. "But--to be fair, a lot more can be done in an hour than one might think. Also--eight hours between five and one am. Assuming that the session exhausts you, you'll probably wake up close to noon tomorrow, but there's snow in the forecast and I'll probably make you a cup of tea if I wake up before you do."

You hum. "Thank you, Adam," you whisper. He kisses you deeply, and you can still taste yourself on his tongue.

"Don't thank me," he says when he's pulled away. "It's what good partners do, especially when I'll have practically rearranged your guts and it'll be a reward for doing good anyway."

You laugh. Adam presses a kiss to your forehead as his hands once again ground themselves on your hips and yours find his shoulders, holding him close.

"I love you, baby," he says. "Sorry that work has been shit."

"I love you too," you respond. "And--that's not your fault. Please don't blame yourself for mistakes that aren't yours, Adam. Please, just kiss me. Wanna forget about work and stupid fucking Earle--just wanna think about how good it feels to be touched and kissed by you. Please."

Adams lips press against your forehead again, his hands cupping your face.

"Gonna make sure you do," he says. His lips move to your biceps again, and you shudder an intake of breath as he leaves a hickey in the wake of one of his kisses.

You have a thought to call him a hickey fiend but don't--the risk of joking with him when Adam is in dom mode is not worth the reward even slightly.

His kisses trail down your face to your neck, and from your neck to your chest. You moan a little when his lips find your nipples, biting gently as his hands give your hips a contented squeeze.

Your head falls back onto the pillow beneath it, and you smile slightly as you hear Adams contented hum as he kisses along your chest from one nipple to the other.

The next several minutes are spent in pretty much the same state. Adam kisses your chest and neck with an open mouth, tongue all too eager to leave a trail of saliva behind his kisses. He's mostly quiet as he goes about it, but every time he does something to make you moan his hands squeeze your hips in acknowledgement.

And then his lips move to your stomach, spending an absurd amount of time leaving hickeys in the less obvious places. He spends more time on your hips which tells you you'll have dark hickeys to look forward to once you have the time to investigate the state of your body in a mirror, but he's not always the dominant one when you two are having sex--you'll find your moment where he's in a particularly submissive mood and douse his body with light-ish hickeys in some very obvious spots.

His lips move down to your thighs, and his gaze meets yours.

"You're feeling all right?" He asks, lips pressing gloriously against the top of your right thigh. "Need you to make space for me, puppy. Haven't paid your thighs attention in so fucking long--'nother minute of waiting and I will go insane."

You laugh as you spread your legs and Adam positions himself in between them, lips moving across your thighs as his arms slip under them and his hands find your hips.

The amount of attention he devotes to your legs alone is almost a little excessive--it takes him ten minutes before he's content to move from your right leg to your left, and then he's focusing on that leg just as long.

Then again--Adam has always loved your thighs. You've had moments of insecurity that they were too big to handle but he's always met your insecurity with reassurance, promised that he'd tell you if he was having trouble breathing whenever he asked you to sit on his face. He loves your thighs and your biceps, which are two of the areas where you find most of your insecurity.

And then you feel his breath against your folds, and you breathe in deeply while clenching around nothing.

"Wanna taste you, puppy," Adam says. You're nodding eagerly before he can even finish the sentence, wondering how it was that you managed to go eight months without feeling Adams mouth over your folds, his lips on your clit.

Adam is good at giving oral--he is fucking amazing at it, and as his tongue presses flat against your folds, his gaze holding yours, you find that it seems he's still as good as he was eight months ago.

His tongue runs through your folds for a very long few seconds before it presses against your clit. You moan at the contact, eyes nearly rolling into the back of your head as his tongue moves in circles around the bundle of nerves.

His tongue moves back to your folds, and your hand goes to his hair. You don't hold him in a tight grip or anything, just enough to ground yourself and keep yourself from slipping away.

It's hard not to slip into it, though. The grip that Adam has on your hips, the way he's eating you out like a man starved and that goddamned nickname he always uses whenever he's domming. All of it is so much combined, so much after eight months, and all you want to do is slip into subspace and just let Adam use you however he wants.

He keeps going until you're so close--teetering on the edge, nearly ready to come on his face--and then he stops, pulling away with a glistening mouth to take a breath.

And then he's lifting himself off of you, pulling himself up to press kiss after kiss after kiss to the spot where your neck meets your shoulder, and his hand is cupping your face.

"Please, puppy," he says. "Don't wanna go eight months without this ever again. Missed it."

It takes everything in you to drum up a response, still working through the second almost-orgasm of the evening.

"Never," you manage to mumble as your head turns, seeking Adams lips. He kisses you slowly, meaningfully, and you have a moment--just a moment--where you hate yourself for letting sex get away from you for such a long time.

Work has been eight months of never ending stress, eight months of managing one hundred and sixty people, dealing with a boss who claims to care about the team but only offers a raise to the five people from whom a guy stole off time rather than firing the idiot. You feel bad--work has taken the majority of your head space since March, and that doesn't feel fair in the fucking slightest.

"Adam," you whisper. He presses a peck to your lower lip and darts his tongue out to wet his own.

"Yeah, puppy?"

"Missed you," you respond. "'M sorry about work. I promise I didn't mean to get so busy, it's just--Earle and his fucking scheme, and Monica refusing to fire his sorry ass while he has the time of his goddamned life in Monaco, and--ugh. I don't mean to ruin the mood but it's just not leaving my head."

Adam laughs, presses a kiss to your forehead. "I know how you get, Y/N," he says. "I'm too drunk on the thought of your thighs around my head to even get slightly turned off right now but that's not the point."

He laughs again, thumb gliding across your bottom lip. "I've been worried about you but I knew work was probably the reason for your late nights, baby. I promise, it just made me cherish our lazy mornings even more. If you don't like working there, you can always quit, too--you've got your rainy day savings, and my job lets me cover the rent and have money left for groceries if you don't get something right away. Has anything else been bugging you or is it just work?"

"Just been in a funk," you respond. "The sex is helping a lot, but I've always found that being with you helps me like nothing else can. Needed this, Adam. Even if you've kept me from orgasming twice so far."

"Fifteen more minutes til sundown," Adam says. "You'll be so sick of coming when I finally start letting you, baby. I think I have it in me to last eight hours, but that's because I'll be giving myself a reprieve. You, however, might not get one. Dunno--it depends on if you'll want one, really."

"You'll know I do if I use the safe word," you respond. "Just--be soft with me, mm? I don't think I can handle being degraded too much, if at all. I'm scared that if you call me a slut with a mean tone I'll just fall to pieces and start crying."

Adam laughs, presses a kiss to your temple. "Think I've done enough edging," he says. "Kind of just wanna kiss you until you're begging me for more, baby. Sound okay?"

You nod, arms wrapping around his shoulders. "You really wouldn't be mad if I quit my job?"

"I would be the opposite of angry at you if you just announced it and didn't even give your two weeks," Adam says. "You've spent the majority of the last year giving them an arm and both of your legs in the effort it's taken to keep things afloat. You're up for a significant raise which I would wait to see if you got, but there are places that pay the amount you'd be getting after your raise as the starting salary, which only goes up after the first six months. I'd start applying to those places if I were in your shoes and I didn't get the raise I fuckin' deserved."

Adams lips drop to your collarbone. "'M so in love with you," he says. "And I'm sorry that work has been such a shitstorm lately. If you want, you can switch from a marketing job to working for a salary that covers rent and groceries with me at the bookshop? They're hiring all the fucking time and it means I can basically just...spend the entirety of my break just kissing you relentlessly if you do decide to join up."

You laugh, pulling a hand through his hair. "Maybe," you say. "If I don't get the raise."

Adam laughs, gently biting against your collarbone as his hands find your hips again.

"Love your hips, puppy," he says. "Will probably have to put lotion on the hickeys I left on 'em. Got a little carried away."

"I'll get my revenge somehow," you respond. "If you ever find yourself in a submissive mood, I will absolutely cover your neck in them."

"I like hickeys in obvious places, so long as you keep them light,"

"Oh, they will be. Everywhere but your pulse point--I happen to like your pulse point, Adam. Might get carried away worse than you did with my hips."

Adam bites your collarbone again, kissing up the center of it to the underside of your jaw before his lips are once again against yours.

"I love you so fucking much," Adam says into the kiss, giving your hips a hard squeeze. "Fuck, Y/N. Gonna make sure all of your stress is gone from your mind completely. Just want you to be thinking about me, puppy."

All you can do in response is moan into Adams mouth, closing your eyes and moaning once more as he uses your moaning to slip his tongue into your mouth, one hand coming up to cup your face.

You spend the next little eternity kissing, moaning whenever Adams hands squeeze whichever part of your body they've ended up near or on--typically your ass, just below it on your thigh, your hips, or your tits--and occasionally tugging at the hairs near the nape of his neck, where one of your hands rests.

And then, Adam pulls away. You gaze at him as he holds himself up by his elbows, a handsome smirk on his face.

"You're all right?" He asks.

The truth is, all you can think about is the memory of his cock inside you and you're convinced it's slowly driving you nuts, but by all other accounts, yeah.

You nod. "I'm amazing, Adam," you say. "Need to feel you."

As you speak the words, Adam is already reaching for his night stand on his side of the bed, grabbing a condom.

You roll it onto his length, one of your hands overlapping the hand he places on your hip as you lie back down.

Adam positions himself at your entrance, pushing into you slowly even despite how wet you are--you're more than ready to feel him, but Adam still goes slow to be cautious.

When he bottoms out, both of you moan. Your lips are almost right next to Adams ear, his forehead pressing against your shoulder, so the sound of you moaning just makes Adam want you more. One of his hands is on your breast, and he squeezes it, rolling the nipple between his first finger and thumb as you clench around his length.

After a minute, you're telling Adam he can start moving and his thrusts come to a slow start as Adam figures out the pace he wants to start with.

His lips have dipped close to your ear when he whispers, "you're so wet for me," and he kisses the side of your head before adding "such a good puppy. Fuck--you're amazing."

And you're moaning in response, starting to get cockdrunk as Adam moves in calculated thrusts, one hand propping himself up by the elbow and the other against your hip.

Your thighs wrap around his waist to keep him in place, and Adam laughs as he lifts the hand on your hip to cup your face.

"You like this, baby?" He asks. You moan, nodding slightly as your eyes close, giving his shoulder a squeeze.

"Such a good puppy for me," he says. "So good, baby. You're doing so good."

And then you moan again, and Adam presses a kiss to the corner of your lips. He quickens the pace of his thrusts, lips moving to your neck as the hand that was on your face moves to your clit, rubbing circles around it and delighting in the moans it brings from your throat.

Your release spurs his on, and while you moan and release around him Adam releases into the condom, thrusting his way through the aftershocks and the way that your legs start shaking with them.

He pulls out and discards the condom, heading back to you quickly and peppering your face with kisses.

You find yourself in a state of complete and total relaxation and euphoria. Adams hands on you make you sink further in, and Adam laughs a little--you're looking at him like he's the love of your life while you're practically drowning in post-orgasm bliss, which is a delightful and meaningful addition to the times in which you've looked at him like that, particularly whenever he's decided to surprise you with breakfast or when you wake up to find him admiring you as he'd woken up before you had.

"You're feeling all right?" The orgasm had been a little intense.

You nod, and Adam presses his nose against the apple of your cheek, pressing a quick kiss there as his hands find your face.

"Going quiet?" He presses his lips to your forehead. "Not for long, baby. I have at least seven more hours with you, yeah?"

You nod, and Adams lips are on yours again.

A lot of the time, you start to realize, will be passed with Adams lips against yours, his hands going somewhere on your body as you moan and whine at his touches.

You don't hate the idea, though--Adam is a damn good kisser and absolutely knows what he's doing with his lips and tongue. You've proven yourself capable of lazily making out with Adam for hours several times, though that was when the two of you were kiss fiends in the honeymoon phase and couldn't go more than twenty minutes without it.

But then, Adams lips trail from your lips to your chest, paying attention to it as his hands move from your face to your hips. Once he's paid satisfactory attention to your chest, he moves to your stomach, where, per the presence of your hips close by, he stays for a long ten minutes.

Then his lips are on your inner thighs and your hand is in his hair and all you can do is moan, one word waiting and ready at the tip of your tongue but not falling off of it.

You watch through half lidded eyes as Adams eyes lock on your cunt, nod fervently when his gaze meets yours and his head tilts in the asking.

His tongue finds your clit and he moves one finger, slowly, into your hole as his lips follow his tongue. You turn your head and moan into the pillow in an effort to silence yourself, but the noise level at which the moan sits is still so obscene that Adam chuckles, shaking his head as his left arm slips under your thigh and his hand finds purchase at your chest.

Adams tongue moves around your clit in evenly paced circles, finger moving at a calculated pace as he adds another. Adams fingers curl around your g-spot once every fifteen-ish seconds, and every time your moans get louder because of the action, Adam laughs a little and presses his tongue flat against your clit.

Adam has you pushed to your orgasm in fifteen minutes. You barely have time to warn him before you're coming over his mouth, chin, and his hand, but Adam hardly cares. He only licks his fingers to clean them and juts his tongue out to run it over his lips, all while holding your gaze.

And then he's kissing you and you're tasting yourself, humming into the kiss as Adam reaches one arm out and fumbles for the nightstand in search of another condom.

Adam gets it and rips it open, sliding it onto his length and motioning for you to get on your knees and turn around. You do as he says and Adam slowly slides into you, the both of you moaning slightly as he bottoms out.

Adam waits a minute for you to adjust to him, and once you have he starts thrusting. He sets an even, quick pace and moves a hand to your clit, moaning as you lean back and press your back against his front.

Adams lips find a spot in the space between your neck and shoulder, and every last one of the sounds you make spurs him on. His moans are low, typically comorbid with yours, and they come in between the praise he manages to mumble out as he moves and you start moving back onto him.

"So good," he mutters, biting gently against your shoulder. "Fuck--"

You moan in response, unable to form any coherent thought other than Adams name.

"Adam," you whisper as the pace at which Adams finger touches your clit increases. "Adam--"

You feel him smile against your skin, a cocky grin taking up his face.

"Yes, baby?" He asks, moaning as you clench around him. "Gonna use your words for me, mm?"

"Adam," it's the only word that comes to mind right now, though it'll be one of ten, at best, once he's pushed you to orgasm again.

"Adam, oh--" You moan as he snaps his hips up into you.

Adam keeps the pace he's set and it's not long before you're moaning loudly as Adams lips and tongue suck a hickey into the space where your neck meets your shoulder, your release occurring just seconds before his own, before he's a moaning mess as he thrusts into you through the aftershocks.

Adam pulls out and lays you back onto the bed before rolling the condom off and tossing it into the trash.

The cycle continues that way until you find yourselves nearing one in the morning. Your lips are wet with your own saliva after you've pulled off of Adams length and he's being sweet, your face in his hands as you start moving to sit on the bed.

"One more for me, baby," he says. In eight hours, you've come more than eight times, your legs are basically jelly, and all you have on your mind is Adam. "Just one more, mm? Then I'll run us a bath and we can just relax, I promise. Aftercare god, remember?" He laughs a little at the tail end of his sentence, cringing at himself a little bit.

And you're nodding, smiling at Adam as his lips find your inner thighs and you're blissed out on post-orgasm euphoria--Adam had let you touch yourself while sucking his dick, and you'd come over your hand as he shot his load into your mouth, which you'd agreed to let him do--and it's fifteen minutes til one and Adams lips against your thighs is absolutely amazing.

And then his lips and tongue go to your cunt, and you're moaning as your thighs wrap around his head, which leads to him laughing and squeezing your hips.

And Adam eats you out carefully, slowly, moaning as he does so. He's taking his time with you because you're blissed out and will definitively need to be easy on yourself in terms of walking after all that's been done. He's moaning, tongue moving through your folds in a way that feels incredible to both you and him, and his lips find your clit as he moves to start fingering you.

Adam sets a good pace, quick but not too quick, and curls his fingers at your g-spot with every thrust. You're moaning loudly despite the time and Adam is loving it, and then you're coming on his lips and his tongue and Adam is licking it off your cunt and his lips with a focused precision.

Then Adam is getting up, pressing a kiss to your forehead and telling you he'll be back in a few minutes. He tells you he loves you but doesn't expect a response--you're absolutely too blissed out to say much of anything, and he loves it because it's the first time in eight months where you've looked so relaxed, the first time in eight months where you've felt it.

Your eyes close as Adam leaves your shared bedroom, and you hear him starting up a bath. You smile to yourself, pressing your cheek against the pillow, having a brief, floaty thought of I am so lucky before Adam comes into the room again, smile on his clean face.

He kisses your eyelids, hands finding and interlacing themselves with yours.

"C'mon," he says. "I've run us a bath, baby. Gonna relax your legs, which are definitely sore by this point."

And then your eyes are opening and he's helping you stand as he tells you how much he loves you and how amazing you were during the session, and his lips are against your forehead in a kiss.

You're mostly quiet as Adam leads you to the bathroom, humming as you get into the tub with him.

You press your chin against Adams shoulder and in the next few minutes, you're still tired but the water is still hot and you're starting to form coherent thoughts again.

"Thank you," you whisper, pressing a kiss to Adams wet shoulder. He hums, pressing a kiss to your forehead.

"For what?" Adam asks.

"For the last nine hours," you say. "For making me forget about work stress and for the sex."

Adam laughs, pressing another kiss to your forehead. "The sex was enjoyable for both parties, then," he says. "And--you're welcome, but you don't need to thank me. Just wanted to help you de-stress a little, and I'm glad I could do that."

You're in the bath together for thirty-ish minutes after that, and you let Adam wash your hair as he peppers your hickied neck with kisses and his hands run along your biceps. You wash his, and you spend the time waiting for the conditioner to set talking about your plans for the day as the day has turned.

Adam intends to let you sleep in and to make breakfast, and you intend to at least move from the bedroom to the living room after you've woken up so that you can read from the comfort of your couch.

You get out of the bath and, because your legs are still pretty sore, have barely any choice but to let Adam help you back to your room and sit on the bed as Adam gets dressed and grabs you clothes.

You get dressed into a pair of black boxers--they, Adam decides, will be comfier than sweatpants--and a hoodie Adam had during his baggy clothes phase that's baggy on you, too, and covers two thirds of your thigh before your knee amidst laughter and kisses that you share in the relative dark.

You and Adam end up going to sleep on the couch anyway so as to avoid halfhearted fighting about who sleeps on the wet spot on the bed from the sweat emitted during sex, curled up in each others arms with a thick, warm and fuzzy blanket covering you both up to your shoulders.

#adam stanheight #adam faulkner-stanheight #adam stanheight x reader #adam faulkner-stanheight x reader #saw 2004

[persephoneflowerpetals]

Sorry for not being very active on here

Just wanted to give an update because a lot has been going on with me and I haven’t even had the time or energy to think about writing or being on this blog because of everything lol.

So, I recently got into a car wreck on the 14th on my way to work. Some guy was trying to make a left turn into the neighborhood I live in on the highway and his engine stalled and (even though he saw me coming and knew that his 20+ year old car had engine problems) he pulled out in front of me to cross but because his engine stalled he didn’t make it and I crashed into him. I’m okay btw!!! Luckily and thankfully I only made it out with a bruised leg, but my car is in bad shape and is most likely totaled because the engine went out after the crash and I couldn’t move my car out of the road nor could I even get out of my car from the driver’s side, I had to escape from the passenger side.

So…yeah, there’s that and I’ve been dealing with a lot of mental health issues because my work has been overworking me and pushing me to my limit and I’m honestly getting really tired of giving my all and breaking my back for this store and getting nothing out of it, like not even a raise (when I asked for one they said it was “being processed by corporate” and apparently this raise has been in the works for me since December so…I don’t think I’ll be getting a raise any time soon tbh and even if I did get a raise it probably wouldn’t be enough to keep me there). Like, just last Wednesday I had a stressed induced illness because I was so burnt out from work and worried about stuff that it made me physically ill so (for the first time ever in 1 year of working at that store) I called out sick (and then that same week I got into the wreck so that was great).

I’m currently working on finding a new job because what I’m dealing with now is getting ridiculous and I honestly really want to be on here and talk to you guys and make posts like I used to, but I feel like I can’t anymore because of life and that sucks. Legit, my boss is making me work 35 hours this week (AFTER MY CAR WRECK 😑) even though she knows what I’m dealing with right now and knows how overworked I am. She had the nerve to say “I don’t want to overwork you” as she adjusted my schedule for the 3rd time because someone who is CONSTANTLY calling out in the store (and they refuse to fire her for some reason AND there’s another employee that’s going to be out all month) can’t come to work for the rest of this week so I have to cover for her. Oh yeah…and you know what else??? I have to train a new employee on top of all of that. I’m not a manager. I’m not even full time. I don’t get vacation time or sick days or paid holidays (even though we literally only get 2 holidays off and that’s Christmas Day and Thanksgiving Day, so not that it even matters anyways) or any kind of benefits. And I don’t get paid extra for training new hires. It’s ridiculous. My boss even asked if I felt comfortable training a new employee after what I’ve gone through with the wreck and how stressed I am (which I respect) and I told her no because I really am dealing with a lot and don’t need the stress of training someone on top of that, yet here I am so…I’m just tired of being a doormat for this company and letting them treat me like a workhorse. It was fine at first because I needed the money (and I still do), but the lack of sympathy after the wreck and being so overworked and stressed that I became physically ill is concerning and I think it’s a sign that I need to move on and find something else.

So yeah, sorry for the rant there but I just wanted to share what I’m dealing with and what I’m going through. Like, I still have stuff at home I have to deal with too and financial issues (and getting in a car wreck certainly doesn’t help that at all), so yeah. I have an interview tomorrow for a job that would really be beneficial to me and would be a perfect fit for me and I’m really hoping and praying I get the job because it’s would just help me so much and it’s such a good job!

Anyways, I know I share updates a lot, but I realized I haven’t really been active on here and I just wanted to share why and kinda release some tension because I’m really going through it lol.

#update #kind of a rant #sorry I’m not one to rant about personal stuff on here but…I got a lot going on lol #it’s not super personal but it’s stressful to me

[graphicabyss]

War and Alienation

There are many terrible things war brings into your life. There's death and destruction. There's the uncertainty and constant anxiety. There's the worry for your loved ones fighting. There's deteriorating physical and mental health. There's also the deep down guilt that many out there are suffering way more than you are. But one thing you don't see coming is the alienation from the outside world.

I like being in international public spaces like streams but it also often produces mixed feelings. On the one hand, it gives me the sorely lacking sense of normalcy. But on the other, it often makes me feel even lonelier than I am.

I am not that different from the First World people there. I speak the same language, I like the same games, I repost the same memes. And yet, I feel there's a deep abyss separating me from them.

And it's not just being unable to participate in the money-giving rituals when you have none to spare. In fact, even if I had more money right now, I would not direct it to foreign artists, no matter how much I appreciate them. I would direct it towards buying more drones or to some of the countless local charities.

It's sometimes hard listening to people complain about random shit like food or having too many games to play. And of course I know everyone's struggles are valid. But it's just hard to keep myself from commenting "You haven't had a good sleep because of your cat, ay? Well, I had a 6-hour drone attack on my city so that makes two of us lol." I know it wouldn't be good for anyone so I usually just hold back. And I, like other Ukrainians, often try to frame it in a comical or sarcastic way but it doesn't seem to help.

I am constantly torn between just chilling with the guys and screaming about the terrible shit that is happening. And it's hard enough on a quiet day, much harder when you have to step away from the stream because there are missiles flying your way. When you try to mention shit like that, it makes people uncomfortable. They usually just freeze and say nothing. It's too awkward, too unpleasant and they probably are afraid to say the wrong thing. So you only end up feeling bad for achieving nothing but dampening someone's mood. But it adds to the feeling of alienation. Ben told me I shouldn't worry about ruining the mood, which I am very grateful for. But I will definitely always worry about it. I don't want to be that person who comes and ruins the atmosphere. I don't want to be the 'war girl'.

And yet, I want people to care about us, just a little bit. To remember us and the shit we go through every day. To realize how lucky they are that they don't have to deal with war on top of money, job and family problems.

Nobody wants to hear about the war. People in the West are tired of it. And I get that. I can't really blame them. I'd love to just turn off the news and not know any of this. But I can't. And if it's tiring to just hear about it, I'd love them to try to imaging how tiring it is living through it. After nearly 2 years, it's taken a heavy toll on us all. And this war fatigue ultimately translates to less support for Ukraine, to less military help and less hope for us to survive it and that is scary.

#personal #War #had to get it off my chest #even if noone's gonna read it

[witchhatproductions]

Witch Hat News #5 - In Sickness and in Health

by Tata Calthrop

This is an archived version of our microfiction newsletter! You can read along on our tumblr, or subscribe here.

Hey there! It's been a few months since you last heard from us, hasn't it? How have you been? I'll go first: I've been bad! Let's talk about creativity and mental health.

I don't speak much about my mental health publicly, but let me summarise it for you; I was a very happy teenager who plummeted into clinical depression at about age nineteen and never fully recovered, and it sucks. That said, the consequence of this is that I've been in therapy for years and read dozens of books about psychology for both patients and professionals, so even if I'm depressed, I'm also wise as all hell. (I suspect if I weren't depressed, I would probably be completely zen.)

I have an excellent relationship with my creative craft, and my evidence for this is that I am both alive and still actively creating things. A lot of people never learn to manage the balance. Many of the artists and writers I meet are weighed down heavily by the burden of not being good enough. "I'm an artist, but I get so anxious that I only draw once every few months, and then usually throw it away," my friends will tell me, ashamed. "I'm not good at it."

"I'm not really a writer," say the people I meet on discord. "I have this idea for a story that I've had for years, and I've written down some small things, but not anything I can show anyone – I'm not good enough yet."

On the other end of the scale are the creatives who push themselves through constant burnout, who neglect eating and sleeping in order to create as fast and voraciously as possible. A "successful career" may be built on five hours of sleep a day and constant, haunting guilt about keeping up engagement and output. I think it's very easy to hide in hard work. You can have terrible self-care and self-awareness and be falling apart in every area, but if you work hard, and succeed, you never need to feel guilty about the other stuff. 

You know who can create constantly, yet never get tired? Artists and writers who can spend hours every day effortlessly making things, while also being entirely present in their own lives? Children. Human beings are born with the constant urge to be creative. It's pretty well-studied that imaginative play and brain development are directly linked in small children. It's in their nature to engage in make-believe. Very few four-year-olds freeze in front of a blank piece of paper, because they know how terrible it feels to be bad at drawing and don't know where to begin with the idea they had without failing utterly. That's a particular madness we learn as we grow up.

I'm biased, but I firmly believe that playfulness is what makes us human. What we describe as "intelligence" in other animals is often correlated with their adaptability – their ability to conceptualise and understand things they've never experienced before, and maybe didn't even know were possible. This, too, correlates with playfulness. Dolphins, crows, octopuses, and great apes – all very different animals – play games. Despite all having taken wildly different evolutionary paths to get there, they have all separately developed play.

To be human is to create. To imagine is to be human. So that's my way of not worrying about my creative output – whether I'm making enough, whether I'm good enough. I do not create art in order to sell it, or to gain praise for making it, although I would welcome it if either of those things started happening to me regularly. It does not need to be good, or valuable. It has the same value and function as the paintings I made at preschool when I was four; it is the byproduct of my humanity. Let go of the idea of being a "good artist". Nobody is a good artist. The only thing any of us is really good at is being human, which tends to get in the way of the other stuff.

"How do I create more, without letting anxiety or laziness get in the way?"

I'm here again, writing my newsletter. How long until another mental health break knocks me flat again, I don't know. But right now, I feel motivated to put words to paper (or words to mailing list, as it were), and I'm going to follow that feeling until it's gone. My advice to you is to do the same. Joy is a very precious gift; to enjoy creating something is divine. You are human, and that is enough. Put aside your doubts. Create ambitiously, stupidly, passionately, in any way you can, as long as you're having fun; and once you learn to have fun, the trick of learning how to create more and better is a very simple one. 

So, here: Three things that spoke to me about the subject of mental illness, death, and the arts. Let's drink to our good health, eh?

Recommendations

So Sad Today: Personal Essays by Melissa Broder. A series of devastating essays about illness, addiction, dysfunction, and brutal, intimate, visceral emotion. I have few words for this one. I found it indescribably powerful.

Sawbones have an excellent episode about personal mental health stories. This one's much easier to listen to, but it's still quite personal, as these things tend to be. It spoke to me as someone who, at the time, kept a lot of my issues completely secret.  

To The Moon by Freedbird Games: At the dying wish of a old man, two scientists must navigate and rewrite his memories of life. A short, funny video game, with very charming characters and hilarious jokes and – genuinely – one of the most sad and beautiful character dramas I've ever experienced in video game form. 

Your project here. Do you make art of any kind - visual, written, performed? Are you starting a project or recruiting co-creators? We want to hear from you! Email us at [email protected].

That's it from me. I'll see you on the flip side, however far away that is. I'm not giving up! And neither should you!

#witch hat news #newsletter #mental health

[cloud-somersault]

Hey, how are you doing? I hope you’re alright. 💕 I’ve been reading your status updates on Constellations and the Epilogue, and I just wanted to let you know that I think you’re amazing. Your writing is incredible and I love it. Your stories are so well thought out and the characters are ✨on point✨, and the plot is complex and detailed and aaahhh! It has me hooked! 🤩

And I understand how it hurts when you put so much effort and love into a story, only to post it and not see others be anywhere near as excited or invested as you are. I know how discouraging it can be. And it may be a little silly, but I do want to apologize for not commenting lately—life took some difficult turns for me healthwise around the end of last year and I haven’t been able to catch up! I’m still on Chapter 4 of Constellations! 😭 BUT Chapter 5 is open on my phone, and I am READY to read it as soon as I have the time (and mental energy, but that’s a whole ‘nother issue 😩). Don’t worry that your writing isn’t enough, or be discouraged if some readers don’t catch hints while others are figuring it all out seemingly too easily. Everybody reads and comprehends stuff differently, and it’s not a sign that your writing is bad if they don’t catch it! Honestly, I’m pretty bad at catching hints the first time I read a story unless they’re pretty darn obvious. I don’t usually notice subtle hints until the second, or third, or even seventh read-through, haha! (on the bright side, rereading stories and rewatching TV shows is always fun!) 😅

I guess what I really wanted to say is… don’t give up hope. Don’t lose your love and enthusiasm for your works, or feel like they aren’t worth writing because others don’t seem interested in them. At the heart of it all… at the end of the day… write because you love to. Because it makes you happy. And know that it doesn’t have to be “perfect”—the main goal should be that you enjoy it. That’s something I’m trying to teach myself, too. 💕

Thank you for taking the time to write this message and send it. I appreciate you're very kind words 💕I'm doing okay, I just had to take a step back for a bit from socials and stuff. I'm gonna keep that up for a while.

Please don't apologize for not commenting or taking your time reading. Your health always comes first, and I'm sorry if I came off as childish or needy, that wasn't my intention. Two things just happened that set me off and the timing of it was incredibly poor 😓

Please take your time reading; none of it is going anywhere, and don't feel obligated to leave comments either. i'm realizing that, even if chapters are short or long, finding the time to finish things is difficult, and everyone lives different lives. And I'm sorry about all the spoilers on this blog, I'll tag that better from now on.

But I really do think I got confused or disjointed in my perceptions; everyone here knows so much because i've been asked questions and given answers and people have interacted, so people following me here have more context than the average ao3 user. But I've kinda been expecting everyone to be on the same page, which will never be true.

I'm also the same way where it takes me a while to pick up on hints. I actually changed my writing style to prevent this. I got tired of reading books in college where you had to dive into every little thing. the hints and clues weren't obvious to me. I decided then that, when I wrote, I wanted things to be bold, obvious, but beautiful. I didn't want to make readers feel like they're missing something. I wanted them to trust that every answer, every clue would be answered in time. I made that promise to myself a decade ago, and being reminded of how different people interpret things just...made me remember.

I take writing really seriously, probably too seriously, but I've been doing it for so long and I love doing it. I want to be good at it. When it feels like I've gone back on that promise to myself, I get frustrated. I think of ways I could've fixed things. But I also remember that those books and those writing styles just weren't for me. I wasn't the target audience.

Sorry to go off on a tangent, but I wanted to explain why I got upset. I still love Constellations and I'm posting it on ao3 out of convenience, really. It's easier to reference and search there in one "Entire Work" than to have 5 documents open. The fact that others can see and read and have fun is a bonus. But I'm committed to telling this story, and I'm gonna finish with a bang.

Thank you, I won't forget why I'm doing this and that my thoughts/feelings come first! 😤I hope your health concerns are taken care of soon. Take it easy, and thanks again! 💕

#ask #this is very kind i'm sorry i worried people i was just REAL upset/mad #but i'm better now. i just needed to take a minute and refocus and remind myself of a few things #we're still chugging along #but seriously thank you for sending this. i'm really glad you like constellations! that means a lot to me #but seriously--health comes first. and DON'T FEEL PRESSURED TO COMMENT!!! 😤 #okay love you bye~ 💕

[thewritingbeforesunrise]

BALLERINA - Chapter One.

A Jake Kiszka AU

Pairing: Physiotherapist!Jake x Original Female Character

A/N: As promised, this is the first chapter of the story about ballet dancer Iris and physiotherapist Jake. I apologize in advance for any mistakes and I really hope you like this. I had this idea in my mind for quite some time, I am so happy to finally be able to share it with you. This story is a slowburn.

Don't hesitate to let me know what you think about this!

Word count: 3.5K

Warnings for this chapter: talking of bad injuries and medical stuff (I am not an expert, so I apologise for any inaccuracies), poor mental health, talking of depression, death and suicide (only hinted at), panic attack, Jake is a sweetheart.

I think that's all. Let me know if I missed something.

If you are interested, you can join my general taglist here.

_________________________________

Dancing had always been one of Iris's biggest passions, ever since she was very little.

As far as she could remember, she always danced.

Even her mother told her so.

Even before learning how to walk properly, she would stumble around dancing to every kind of sound she heard.

Even the random advertising jingles she heard on television spurred her on to move in rhythm.

So it was obvious for Iris, and for everyone else around her, that when she had to decide which career to pursue in her life, she had chosen dancing.

She had to make many sacrifices, but the satisfaction she felt because of her talent and dedication repaid her for every night spent practicing and every party she had to skip through her teenage years, to pursue her dream to become a ballet dancer.

Iris absolutely lived and breathed dancing and she couldn't even imagine what would become of her if she couldn't dance anymore.

~

It was a wintery Saturday evening like many others.

It was very late and the weather was awful.

There was a thin layer of snow on the pavement that creaked softly under her every step.

Big cottony flakes were falling slowly all around her, making her cheeks sting every time one touched her skin, like invisible freezing kisses.

Iris had been practicing a very difficult part for an upcoming audition she had been both dreading and longing for almost three years.

And she was absolutely knackered because of how many times she replayed it alone in her practice room.

She was finally heading home, to her little rented flat.

It wasn't that far away but she was walking fast anyway.

It was cold and she just wanted to shower and go straight to bed wrapped up in a soft blanket.

She was crossing a road on the pedestrian crossing and, suddenly, she was blinded by white headlights that weren't there a second before.

She heard the loud screeching of tires and the sound of a car swerving onto the pavement and a loud crash.

Then darkness swallowed her and everything around her.

~

She woke up in an anonymous hospital room, after two days of complete unconsciousness. She knew this because a nurse happened to be in her room when she woke and told her with a grimace that it was Monday.

The last day she remembered something from was Saturday.

Her head hurt, but she could feel pain everywhere.

She had IVs in both arms.

She took a while to focus on her surroundings, also because her eyes kept closing. It was so difficult to keep them open for more than two seconds without having to close them, due to the bright light coming from the windows.

She suspected it had also something to do with the analgesic they were probably keeping her on, to make her pain somewhat bearable.

She didn't remember anything so started to panic because she didn't recognise her surroundings.

The nurse approached her immediately and tried to comfort her.

"Where am I?" She asked her feebly in a whisper.

"You are at Saint James hospital darling, you were brought here at two in the morning two days ago." The nurse replied gently, trying not to scare her more, treating her like a caged wild animal.

Iris tried to move, but felt a jolt of pain in her right leg.

"No no, darling, don't move," the nurse said, worried.

This time Iris asked her the question she dreaded the answer the most.

"Why am I here?" The girl inquired, voice shaking.

The kind nurse didn't answer her, but the sorrowful expression in her eyes told her everything she needed to know.

She panicked even more.

She could hear the heartrate monitor beeping like crazy on her left. She started to shift her gaze down her body and noticed that her arms were scattered with deep blue bruises and cuts.

Then, with a swift motion, she moved the covers aside and froze.

She had a big loose white t-shirt on that didn't cover her lower half.

It wasn't hers.

Her legs were covered in cuts and bruises, but what made her start crying and her stomach churn were the white bandages around her right leg, starting below her hip and going down to her calf.

The nurse was still next to her and Iris grabbed her arm strongly, stopping her before she could inject another tranquiliser into her IV.

She wanted to be conscious when the nurse answered her question. The girl watched her right in the eyes and spoke.

"What happened?" She asked again through sobs.

"Darling, you were brought here after a car hit you in the middle of the street on Saturday night. Now it is Monday afternoon. You were unconscious for two days." She said and Iris couldn't stand the pity in her voice.

She pressed her further.

"What happened to my leg?" She gestured down to it with a grimace, fearing her answer.

"I am going to call the doctor, he will tell you everything" and before she could stop her, she disappeared down the corridor.

Iris started sobbing again and she lightly touched the bandages.

She winced at the pain and retrieved her hand, immediately.

At that moment a doctor entered the room.

He was a tall, middle-aged man with kind

eyes.

"Miss, you are awake, finally" he said.

Iris didn't even answer his greeting.

She went straight to the point.

"What happened to my leg?" She asked, her voice was harsh and cold.

He watched her closely then answered honestly.

"A car hit you in the middle of the street a couple of blocks away from here. They left you there without calling an ambulance, but some people saw the incident and called the hospital. The doctors stabilized you and then brought you here. You haven't suffered any kind of brain damage, but you have a concussion and your leg was broken in two different places." He came closer and motioned to her bandages.

"You suffered the fracture of the femur and of tibia and fibula, here and here" he pointed at her leg but she didn't see him do that.

She didn't even hear him finish his explanation.

In the middle of his speech her brain had stopped working.

She was transfixed.

The word fracture was burning in bold letters in her mind every time she blinked.

She started to panic seriously.

She almost yanked away all her IVs and the nurses and the doctor had to physically hold her down to prevent further damages.

Iris felt something sting in her leg and the bandages started to soak with dark blood.

She was screaming horribly like a mad woman and they had to sedate her.

Everything around her turned dark again.

~

Once Iris re-emerged from deep induced sleep, she felt even more tired than before.

She couldn't keep her eyes open and her head straight.

She didn't even have the strength to speak.

She heard a voice next to her.

She recognised it.

It was the same nurse, she was telling her something she couldn't understand.

Iris felt her hand lightly brush away her hair from her face.

She felt like crying.

She remembered everything that happened and the physical and psychological pain immediately cleared her mind, unfortunately.

She didn't want to think about it.

She didn't want to think, at all.

At that moment, she wished that the car had killed her instead of leaving her like this.

Alive but damaged.

Deep down, she already knew she wouldn't be able to dance anymore.

A friend of hers some years prior had to quit for minor injuries.

Her heart was broken, her dream too, what was the point of living?

She didn't have one anymore.

She started sobbing and the nurse tried to comfort her.

Iris held onto her and she cried all her tears.

Once she didn't have any more tears left to cry, she fell asleep with the worst headache ever.

~

The next morning Iris woke up really early.

The nurses had called her mother and she was right by her side.

She told her that she was there for a brief moment even the day before but they sent her away because she needed rest.

The sun wasn't even out and Iris's eyes were already open.

She had still that terrible headache, due to the longest crying session she had ever had.

Her mother told her that she was going to get a coffee and asked if she wanted something too.

The girl told her no but her mother left with an expression that was telling her she was going to bring her something anyway.

Since there was nobody around, with trembling hands, Iris decided to push away the covers and inspect her injuries again, trying not to have another panic attack in the process.

She gasped loudly when she saw the clean bandages for the second time.

This time the length of her leg wasn't all wrapped up in white gauze, like the other day.

This time her skin was free, big white patches covered two points of her bruised leg.

She thought about the deep wounds that they were covering and she felt a little sick.

Right when she was about to cover herself again, the doctor arrived.

"Good Morning Miss, I didn't want to disturb you, but since you are already awake…I came here because I wanted to know how you are feeling today" he said with a calm tone.

Iris didn't know what to say so she opted for the truth.

"I am a bit in pain, and I am very worried" she told him and then she gathered the courage to ask him the question she had been dreading for the entire time she was conscious.

The one that she already knew the answer to.

"Please be honest with me, will I be able to dance again?" Her voice was so feeble she didn't know if he heard her right.

He sat down on the chair on the other side of the bed, facing the one her mother was occupying a few minutes before.

Her hands were visibly trembling and he noticed.

After a moment, he answered.

"You want me to be honest and I am going to be." He said, while touching his glasses.

"I don't know. All I can tell you is that, with a lot of rehabilitation, you will be able to stand and walk just like before, but I can't say anything about dancing. I don't want to get your hopes up, but I don't want to tell you you won't dance anymore, either." He said matter-of-factly.

Iris nodded at his words, tears already clouding her vision.

"Right now, you have to focus on starting to walk again and you will need a lot of strength to do that. You have to focus all the effort you used on dancing on walking, first. And I am here also to talk about this. We have a physiotherapist here that can help you. And..." He stopped as someone knocked on the door.

At that moment, her mother entered the room.

She had a small paper bag with her and she placed it in front of Iris. The girl thanked her and told her what the doctor said when she was away.

The doctor went on talking about the physiotherapist and he told her that he was going to bring him there to talk to her, too.

Iris was worried and scared.

He went out of the room to call him and she

waited.

After a moment, he reappeared on the threshold with a young man next to him.

They stopped there for a moment, talking quietly.

Her breath catched in her throat

The physiotherapist was very young and, honestly, beautiful.

He had long brown hair tied in a low ponytail, sweet brown eyes and a perfect smile.

They approached her and he smiled, making her blush.

He was gorgeous and she was beyond embarrassed by her reaction.

Iris was sure she was looking miserable and ugly in her hospital attire and messy hair, so she tried to get herself together as best as she could.

She heard her mother mutter something not very nice about his long hair.

"Mum, sshh" she hushed her with a sharp look.

Unfortunately, he caught the comment, she saw it in his eyes that he did, but he acted very politely and didn't say anything.

"This is Doctor Jacob Kiszka, he will be your physiotherapist. He will help you with your rehabilitation. He knows everything about what happened to you because he was in surgery with me when I operated on you" The doctor introduced him to her and the young man smiled kindly, extending his hand towards her.

Iris grabbed his extended hand. It was so warm and soft in contrast with her ice-cold skin.

It was over too soon for her liking.

She had to forcefully avert her eyes from his, his deep brown stare was too intense. The doctor left him there with her and excused himself to answer the phone.

When the young doctor started talking, a warm shiver ran down her spine.

His raspy voice made her fingers fist the white hospital linen in her lap.

"Hi, Iris. You can call me Jake, we are the same age, no need to call me Doctor." He said smiling and she timidly smiled back to him.

"I will take care of you and your leg, don't worry. May I inspect the wounds? I just want to see how they are healing, so I can tell you when we can start with rehabilitation." He said in a warm calming tone.

He was so polite.

She nodded and he grabbed the cover and pulled it off her body gently, exposing her naked right leg.

She wasn't wearing pants, so she was laying in front of him in her panties and a big white t-shirt. He seemed unfazed as he focused on the bandages.

"Madam, may I ask you to exit while I inspect your daughter's wounds, please?" He spoke to her mother.

Considering her mother's rude comment about him, he was still very polite towards her.

Her mother had to do what he said even though she didn't want to, because his tone didn't admit any contradictions.

When she was out of the room, Iris quickly apologized on her behalf and he laughed.

"Don't worry about it, darling" he said with a beaming smile and then spoke again, focused on her leg.

"Do you mind if I take these off?" He asked, pointing at her bandages.

Seeing the terror in her eyes, he quickly added "I won't hurt you, I promise."

"I am not afraid of the bandage" she told him in a whisper.

"I am afraid of what I am going to see underneath… but go on, I will be ok" Iris knew she wouldn't, but she didn't tell him.

He touched her thigh, his fingers brushed directly on her naked skin, making her shiver and goosebumps raise on her skin.

He started to peel off the bandage, very delicately and carefully.

Once he was done, Iris looked down and covered her mouth with a gasp at the sight underneath.

There was a very long cut down the side of her thigh, the black stitches standing out sharply against her skin. The wound was rimmed with slightly pinker skin. The bandage was clean, the wound was finally healing.

"Are you ok?" He asked.

She cleared her throat and answered with a timid "Yes".

He inspected the cut and, after a moment, he spoke.

"It's healing, but it should be a little more by now" he said, inspecting the wound closely.

"Oh, it's my fault, on Monday I had a nervous breakdown and it started bleeding because I tried to move and they had to sedate me". Iris told him sheepishly, casting her gaze on her hands, embarrassed.

He grabbed some disinfectant and dabbed at it lightly. She flinched a little because of the cold and he apologized.

"You don't have to apologize about what happened on Monday, ok? But, please, be careful with your movements from now on, since your wounds are healing very well. I was there when the doctor operated on you and the fractures looked horrible. Both displaced fractures" He tapped lightly on her thigh, then grabbed a big white envelope and showed her the x-rays.

Iris was shocked.

Her femur, tibia and fibula were snapped in a half.

"Don't worry, the doctor did a great job with your leg. This is the new x-ray" he said, grabbing another envelope.

There were many screws in her bones and it hurt just to look at it, but, at least, the bones were in one piece again. His hands went back to her leg and moved down on her knee.

There, he carefully took off the other bandage and inspected the other wound. It wasn't as big as the other one but still, she had at least fifteen stitches there. He dabbed a bit of disinfectant there, too, and then spoke.

"I think it is better if we wait two weeks before doing some rehabilitation. I am sure that, in two weeks' time, your bones and wounds will be fully healed." He said smiling kindly to her.

Iris was a bit disappointed.

She didn't want to wait two weeks before being able to see him again, but she nodded anyway.

"Now I am going to replace your bandages and then I will let you rest." He grabbed two clean bandages and he attentively put the first one right below her knee and the other one on her thigh.

Again, his touch made her shiver a little, his hot skin in stark contrast with her icy one.

He waved her goodbye and exited the room.

But, she already missed him.

His delicate touch, his beautiful hands, his kind eyes and his raspy voice occupied her thoughts very often in those two weeks, much more than she would like to admit.

_________________________________

Taglist: @why-ami-on-here @sammyslappers @spark-my-nature @highladyofasgard @sparrowofthedawnsworld

#greta van fleet #greta van fic #gvf fic #greta van smut #jake kiszka #jake gvf #jake kiszka fluff #jake kiszka smut #fanfic

[duskcecropia]

Dawg I am BEYOND tired of seeing people romanticizing Bpd and people with Bpd. It is genuinely disturbing to me how normalized it is too. A quick scroll on TikTok and you will find people being like “When she’s literally obsessed with me 💕” or “POV: I have a girl with Bpd so she’s utterly in love with me and never leaves” or some other TikTok slideshow bullshit.

(I have made this partly factual, but a lot of it is very personal. please read at your own leisure.)

To me, it is utterly dehumanizing. As someone with Bpd, I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE. I struggle almost every damn day to control and regulate my emotions so I don't blow up at someone or breakdown over something I MADE UP to sabotage myself. I am not some fucking character who will do anything to have you or will kill just to be with you. I am a REAL PERSON with a VERY REAL AND MENATLY CRUSHING MENTAL ILLNESS. I am not some one-sided person with only one goal. I am just like literally everyone else on this goddamn planet!!!!! I just act and think differently!!!!!!! And honestly, do any of you people realize what you are asking? Do you REALLY know what you are getting into? Because it’s uneducated people like that who romanticize Bpd to the point where others think it’s “only obsession”.

And boy do I have a HORRIBLE surprise for you. Lets have a little psychology lesson, shall we?

According to NIMH (National Institute of Mental Health)*, "Borderline personality disorder is a mental illness that severely impacts a person’s ability to manage their emotions. This loss of emotional control can increase impulsivity, affect how a person feels about themselves, and negatively impact their relationships with others." (This is sectioned under "What is Borderline Personality Disorder?")

"People with borderline personality disorder may experience intense mood swings and feel uncertainty about how they see themselves. Their feelings for others can change quickly, and swing from extreme closeness to extreme dislike. These changing feelings can lead to unstable relationships and emotional pain.

People with borderline personality disorder also tend to view things in extremes, such as all good or all bad. Their interests and values can change quickly, and they may act impulsively or recklessly.

Other signs or symptoms may include:

Efforts to avoid real or perceived abandonment, such as plunging headfirst into relationships—or ending them just as quickly.

A pattern of intense and unstable relationships with family, friends, and loved ones.

A distorted and unstable self-image or sense of self.

Impulsive and often dangerous behaviors, such as spending sprees, unsafe sex, substance misuse, reckless driving, and binge eating. However, if these behaviors happen mostly during times of elevated mood or energy, they may be symptoms of a mood disorder and not borderline personality disorder.

Self-harming behavior, such as cutting.

Recurring thoughts of suicidal behaviors or threats.

Intense and highly variable moods, with episodes lasting from a few hours to a few days.

Chronic feelings of emptiness. Inappropriate, intense anger or problems controlling anger. Feelings of dissociation, such as feeling cut off from oneself, observing oneself from outside one’s body, or feelings of unreality."(This is sectioned under "What are the signs and symptoms of borderline personality disorder?")

I am no expert and I do not claim to be, but I know for a FACT that most if not majority of people who romanticize Bpd don't know ANYTHING about what actually goes on in someone with Bpd's head. From my experience, it is never quiet. In the back of my mind I have a small but convincing "voice" that tries it's hardest to make me crack. And by crack, I mean believe it's false and twisted words. For a hypothetical example, Say one of your friends goes a while without texting you. a rational mind would say "they're probably busy, or not going on their phone at the moment". Someone with Bpd would probably think this too at first, but their very unhelpful little voice in the back of their head would chime in. "But what if they're doing this on purpose? What is they think you're annoying? You are annoying. That's why they won't talk to you. You're being too much of an inconvenience so they've found other people to talk to." People with Bpd tend to become more irrational due to a false sense of distrust via these thoughts. it can be extremely devastating to one's mental health and make them feel insecure. it's not all sunshine and rainbows.

BUT!!!!!!! While this mental illness is absolutely terrible to deal with, there are ways to treat and cope with it. While it seems like hopeless and never-ending, there's always a way to make the best of it. You just have to discover what works best for you. ^^

In conclusion; Bpd is no joke, and it shouldn't be taken as such. I would go into more depth, but it is very late while I'm typing this and I need some sleep. Please do your research before making this heinous shit online, if anything it just shows idiocy, immaturity, and lack of understanding. Of course I know I cannot change other's opinions and there will always be people like this, but I can only hope this post sheds at least a little light on this topic. If you've made it this far, thank you for taking time to read this, and have a wonderful rest of your day/night.

*source: https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/borderline-personality-disorder#:~:text=Borderline%20personality%20disorder%20is%20a,impact%20their%20relationships%20with%20others.

#bpd #borderline personality disorder #rant #mentalheathawareness #mental heath issues #mental health #actually bpd

[qumiiiquinnquin]

im scared to tell my psychiatrist i tried to end myself twice within a month (sep-oct). i dont know why i am. i have to call the office myself since im an adult now, but im really scared making phonecalls. i have to do it because its been since april that ive seen my psychiatrist but i have to do it. i dont know when ill do it, im too scared. that fear frustrates my family a lot. i feel like im already a failure of an adult and will continue to be like that forever.

today was mostly good, just uneventful until this evening. but now im feeling depressed and i want to cry until i cant anymore, but i cant cry, so i just feel bad. i dont feel tired so i dont want to sleep, but its almost midnight so i should soon. im feeling stressed out about needing to call the psychiatrist's office, so i dont feel like i can relax at all.

ive just been feeling bad a lot lately but thats not new, i say think that to myself every other week or so. whats making me sad the most right now is hating my art. i dont have any confidence in my art but i want to get better, but i dont think i ever will. i will always have mediocre talent, no matter how hard i try. i keep thinking about burning my physical art and either deleting my digital art or just even destroying my laptop, though the latter is very excessive, but i still think about it every now and then out of frustration. i want to give up but i really dont know what else id do, ive always drawn since i was very little, its always made me happy. i really want to not care how upset stopping would make people, including myself, but if i dont stop out of just purely giving up, i probably will stop because i k!lled myself.

every day is feeling the same, it even felt that way when classes were still going. i got so used to the schedule that i got used to the systematic cycle. i partially dont want classes to start again because of that, its boring and the amount of work is stressful, im just going to go back to breaking down and nearly attempting from stress and lack of confidence that i can really do this, that i can really power through and get the degree i want. i keep getting told im smart and always work hard, but that really doesnt mean anything now. being and doing those things doesnt suddenly mean that because of those things, ill survive the stress. it only actually makes it worse, like im ridiculous for feeling the pressure and have the mental health collapses that i do because of college, that im not trying hard enough and am lazy.

for some reason the desire for love has been on my mind and i dont know why, youve seen the pathetic longing things i say about romance. right now i feel like i am missing out and am a failure by societal standards for not even have dated in my life, and i still dont have a partner at 18 years old. i feel extremely lonely to the point that seeing other couples makes me depressed, which is probably selfish of me. i feel like and believe now that i will always be alone. i know i am not beautiful to anyone, i know i am not funny, i am not interesting, im a pain in the ass, im too much to deal with and am just unlovable in general. i hate feeling this way, i never cared about romance or relationships and have always been repulsed at the idea of me ever being loved romantically or being in a relationship. i feel stupid. i feel like a jerk. i feel like i deserve to be alone forever, and i really do. or maybe, just end myself, if im so unlovable in every way, then why not just weed myself out? whoever takes my place will be much more worth it than i ever could be. its so stupid thinking about myself d*ing from a broken heart. "just grow up, sad excuse of a grown adult." (in quotes because its a direct thought to myself towards myself, nobody else)

i really doubt everything will get better, ive felt this same exact way for 3 years now. sad, burntout, stressed, like im nothing but a problem for my family, a burden and waste of time to be around or talk to or care about. i did attempt once in 2021 but failed, obviously im still alive. i really want to try again. im really scared of pain, so im trying to find the quickest way or the least painful option. if i just call, i can get different meds or a different dosage and i wont feel this terrible. im so childish for an adult to be unable to make a fucking phonecall. i feel like next year might be it, im not sure why i get that feeling, but i dont have any reason to keep going. im not looking forward to anything. nothing is really that fun or exciting, i just try to distract myself. i know im not wanted, and im too difficult for my family.

its now a half hour after midnight because im incapable of shutting the fuck up. i might just lay down and watch youtube or cry myself to sleep, whichever happens first

#vent #tw sui ideation #tw sui vent #tw sui attempt #long post #well this escalated fast #i am useless and pathetic. i am going to remain this way forever. the only way out is to just disappear i think. im tired of being alive

[findingmypeace]

Once again I feel subhuman. It’s such a weird feeling which is why I describe it that way. I don’t think it’s any form of derealization or depersonalization. It’s more like I’m some strange, weird being compared to others. Well, maybe more like I’m sick/diseased/not normal in the context of others. That’s part of why I like work. I feel like a normal person for a while. I have mentioned feeling this way prior to going to residential. I don’t want an eating disorder. I don’t want my life to be about a number on the scale, how can I get to a bathroom without being obvious, and how many calories did it I eat today. Prior to residential I often felt like a slave to my eating disorder. I couldn’t stop no matter how much I wanted to. I feel like that no although I was able to keeping myself from b/ping despite a very strong urge. Things have been really bad with behaviors lately. We are supposed to do fill out weekly clinical and dietary check-ins. One of the questions asks for what behaviors you engaged in during the past week. I didn’t want to lie but I also didn’t want to tell the truth. I know they will ask about it but it’s like my brain short circuited in that moment and I just couldn’t say anything. That level of behaviors is what bumped me back up to PHP. I won’t start PHP until next week just to get things organized at work but now I’m afraid they will tell me residential instead. I just want to be normal. I do not want the threat of being taken away from my job and then having a reduced income and my family thinking even less of me.

Recently I have been feeling completely worthless and I think that relates to the subhuman feelings. I just feel completely alone. I know I’m not truly alone but I do wake up and go to bed with only myself to keep me company. And when I experience those moments of utter despair but it’s midnight and I’m in my apartment, alone, it again feels like there is no one there.

I know my mental health is declining. I really am trying to tough it out. Maybe prove to myself that I can get through it even though that sounds impossible right now.

I think one of the biggest triggers is losing my job. I have to turn in 100% of all documents on time or earlier or I will be fired. And at the same time if I don’t start finishing homework assignments for iop I will be discharged. I got up at 4:30am this morning to start working on things. That will probably how it is until I start Equip. I’m exhausted. I am burned out. I feel worthless and subhuman. I feel so alone. But I keep going day after day because I can’t do anything else. If I don’t keep going I will lose everything. And that is actually a possibility right now. I am so scared about that on top of everything else. I just need the world to stop. For so many of the last several years it has been crisis after crisis in my life. From R, to my attempt, having one bad job after another and barely surviving financially because of that. My family just picking up and moving our entire lives out of state. Treatment stay after treatment stay. The mess of last of Fall 2022 and then finally my health declining for the first time in the nearly 30 yr history of my ed leading to more treatment and the never ending saga of admission. And now here we are. It never ends. I l’m really tired and I don’t know how much more I can take. I just want to be normal and have normal day to day struggles like everyone else.

I don’t know where I am going with this. Just that one of yesterday’s groups at iop was very intense with trauma stuff for me. A look at our inner child. I hate myself and I also hate this “inner child”. She is ugly, a trouble maker, and never good enough. Sound familiar? I’m so sick of this.

#personal #attachment trauma #trauma

[fieldofdaisiies]

Ultima Ex Nobis | ch. V

-all rights reserved-

Nessian AU word count: ~2,5k words warnings: mentions of bad mental health summary: Six years into a global pandemic which was caused by a mass fungal infection that turns hosts into zombie-like creatures and makes the whole of Prythian collapse, the former army general Cassian Cadell is tasked with one very special mission – escorting Nesta Archeron, one of the few immune survivors, across a post-apocalyptic Prythian to a group of people of the name L. Their identity  is unknown but they can make an antidote.

The road —if you can call it road— is rough, bumpy and incalculable. It is overgrown with weeds and grass, large cracks stretching out along the street. The sun is high and bright in the sky, almost gleefully glowing down on them — pretending to be a warm summer day when the world around them is breaking apart. 

The rotting sidewalks are barely visible, the decaying buildings lining the street are evidence that that long ago people have lived here. Most of the windows in the houses are broken, just like in the city outside the fenced area they have left over a week ago. These houses remind Nesta a lot of the other ones — another abandoned city, a so-called ghost town.

Nesta keeps a straight stare that lacks warmth. All worry about Cassian has vanished and she falls back into her usual patterns of cool indifference. Her back is stiff, her shoulders squared, her chin held high. 

Cassian and Azriel chat lightly, talking about the Starfall and army related things. Earlier they discussed the Darkbringers that have control in most areas, having taken over the government. Nesta does not really pay attention, she also does not care what they are talking about. Her eyes are trained on the street, but her lids feel so damn heavy. Exhaustion and tiredness come over her in waves but she fights them. She does not want to sleep now, does not want to seem week again.

She keeps a closed body posture, her arms crossed in front of her chest and she from time to time softly pinches her wrist to stay awake. There is a distance between her and Cassian that hasn’t been there when they have been hiding together. It makes Cassian feel confused as he has no explanation for it. Nesta herself doesn’t even know why she acts like that again. It probably is mask, so no one can see how vulnerable and fragile she actually is underneath the shell. How much pain, how many emotions she is actually feeling, experiencing. How much is going on inside of her.

“You know, you can sleep, Nes,” Cassian offers, with warmth in his voice. “Place your head on my shoulder and try to nap a little until we are there.”

“I am not tired.” Nesta’s response once comes as quick as a shot. “The same bullshit like when you said you were not cold. I know your are tired. Come on, Nes, give it a try.”

Her mouth is pinched and there is a tightness in her eyes when she glances at Cassian. He almost chuckles at her sour expression and looks down on her to where she is wringing her hands in her lap. She is trying so hard to keep up the indifferent facade, it nearly makes Cassian laugh out loud. 

“I will try to sleep, but definitely not on your shoulder.”

“I thought you loved cuddling with me? We have done it for a week now, haven’t—“

Holding her hand up she stops the former general, and when a low chuckle escapes Azriel, he is rewarded with her death pan and quickly shuts up. 

Stiff as a poker, Nesta leans back and forces her burning eyes to close. Her whole body is sore, but she cannot let it show. What would that look like? Cassian is the one who is hurt, not her. Cassian has been shot and acts all tough and strong and she would complain over a few sore muscles and blisters on her feet? Only over her dead body. 

Even though the truck is not that comfortable, exhaustion settles over Nesta like a wave, the last thing she hears are some words of Cassian about how Az is feeling. 

“You know it never gets easy,” Cassian says and gives his brother a sidelong glance. “You can tell me if it has affected you.” “Cass, I just killed a dozen of people, of course it has affected me,” Azriel mumbles and gives his head a little shake. His hands grab the stirring wheel tighter, knuckles turning white, his eyes are trained on the street. He speeds up a little, a muscle in his jaw flexing. “But there is no use to talk about it now. It couldn’t have been avoided, it was what had to be done.”

The former army general slowly bows his head and averts his gaze from Az to look out of his window. His hand still presses down on his side, his hand now covered in the thick red liquid. Breathing is a little difficult now as every inhale burns like a vipers fangs in his chest, but still he tries to act like the strong army soldier he once used to be. He has to, showing weakness and pain now would be for nothing, it wouldn’t get them any further and it wouldn’t help anyone. And he really doesn’t need to be pitied by anyone either. 

“You get this checked immediately when we arrive, Cass!” There is no room for objection in Azriel’s statement and Cassian grumbles a yes, before giving his eyes a tiny roll — overbearing mother-hen. 

“How many are there in the camp?” Cassian then asks, hoping to change the topic for good. Azriel takes a turn and is now heading down a straight, almost endless seeming road. But Cassian can spot high fences in the very far distance, telling him that they are already close to the new Starfall camp. 

“Around twenty. A few that have sought refugee, but most of them we have rescued. Some are from Sangravah.”

Cassian nods in acknowledgment, wondering if Az has finally been able to find his partner. They have lost each other out of sight a few months ago during a mission. Azriel has claimed to be alright, saying it was anyway just a fling, but Cassian knew that deep down his brother’s heart is shattered and Azriel spends every free minute trying to find him because this man hasn’t just been a fling for him. They have a too long history for him to just be a fling. 

“Eris?”

“No.” The answer is tight, cold, fired like a shot and signals Cass that he really does not want to talk about it. Cassina accepts that, does not want to push his brother, knowing he will seek him out to talk when he is ready.  They bounce a little in the car when they drive of the bumpy and in pebbles covered path leading to a gate in the fenced area. Nesta stirs, shifting on the seat. She yawns a little, her hand wiping over her face. 

“How is she?” Azriel then asks, now the one who wants the topic for good.

“She iswonderful. She is out here with two men she barely knows and one of her companions just got shot and now she is taken only god knows where. So obviously, she is doing absolutely amazing.” Nesta sits straight up again, hating that they have talked about her while she slept. During the past six years everyone has always talked about her — she, the one who is immune, the one who survived, the one who got bitten, the one who got attacked, she who was so lucky. But was she really lucky? Is she lucky? Nesta doubts that. Maybe she wanted to die that night as well? Maybe she would have accepted it? Maybe she did not want to live on without knowing what has happened to Feyre? What was about to happen to Elain that night? But apperently the powers that be had different plans for her that night and now she was stuck here in this car. She knows Feyre is alive, but each and every days has to live with the thought of having absolutely no knowledge about Elain. 

“And she has bite, did Rhys tell you that?” Cassian chuckles, clutching his side tighter. 

“And she is about to bite you!” Nesta hisses through clenched teeth and shoots Cassian a glare. 

There is gleeful amusement on his slick with sweat face. His mouth forms a smirk, his tongue poking out to lick over his lower lip. “How did you know that I like that?” He bites down on his lip, watching awareness dawn on Nesta.

She swallows thickly at that comment, heat suddenly filling her from her cleavage up to the top of her head. She hasn’t expected that his implication would have such an affect on her and so she quickly averts her gaze, staring straight ahead. She ignores Azriel in the corner of her eye, trying so hard to fight back a grin. Good God, that is going to be a very long journey, Nesta thinks, but somehow she is no longer so opposed to it. It is and odd feeling, but something has changed.

∙ ∙ • ◦ • ◦ ∙ ∙

“We are here?”

Azriel inclines his head at Nesta, shutting his window after having talked to one guard at a gate. 

The fenced area looks similar to the one she has been in for six years, but then she has actually only seen the experiment room, her bedroom and the place where she was handed over to Cassian, so actually she can’t really tell if it is similar. 

Small flags, attached to the caravans and tents, are flying in the wind, showing the insignia of the Starfall. A feeling of comfort overcomes Nesta — there would be no Darkbringers here.  

Azriel brings the car to a prompt halt and kills off the engine before jumping out. He calls for someone of the name Madja and tells people to bring her here. Then he opens the door on Cassian’s side, helping his best friend out, supporting him and keeping him upright. The former general is quite pale around his nose, sweat building up on his skin and his knees are wobbly. Nesta leaves the car after him and moves to his other side to provide an extra support for him. Together with Azriel they manage to bring Cassian over into a small tent where they place him down on a field bed and just a moment later the woman of the name Madja appears. Nesta sits down on a stool next to the bed, not quite sure what to do, and is quite happy when Azriel does the talking for her.

“That is Nesta Archeron, you know the immune survivor. Cassian has received a graze shot, it is not bad but he has lost quite a lot of blood.”

Turning, Azriel salutes to Nesta and says, “Business is calling, I’ll be back for dinner.” And with that he leaves, strutting out of the tent. 

And so Nesta waits, sits and ponders whether she should help somehow or simply sit here and do nothing. She opts for the latter as she still feels terribly exhausted and drained of energy. Twirling her thumbs she tries to make the time pass quicker. She silently regards how Madja cares for Cassian, cleaning the wound and—

“Come here, girl! Wipe his chest clean while I mix together the paste for the wound.”

Wipe his chest clean? Somehow her breathing halts for a moment, her heart beating a little faster when her eyes land on Cassian’s exposed chest. Even lying down he looks so powerful and large. Swirls of dark ink graze his broad shoulders, his strong pecs — his chest is incredibly well-defined, all sculpted muscles, chiseled, hard and solid and—

Nesta closes her mouth, grabbing the cloth that has been offered to her and crouches down next to Cassian. She carefully begins to run the damp cloth over his chest, clearing it of all the blood.

“You have a very soft touch, Nes,” Cassian drawls and blinks one eye open to silently regard her. He loves how carefuls he is with him, her eyes focused on her hand holding the cloth. And he also likes what she looks like right now. Her cheeks are a little flushed, her hair is, in all honesty, one big mess, there is dirt on her face and her shirt is slightly torn. But she looks beautiful. Probably the most beautiful woman he has ever seen in his life. A dull feeling appears in his heart at this thought, remorse and regret colliding inside of him, has he once thought so about Tanwyn. 

Could it truly be that he has finally managed to move on? He had no time to think further about it when Madja appears in his vision and smiles. “I’ll put some cream on the wound, wrap a bandage around it and then you are good to go. You two should find something to eat!”

It is what they do once Cassian is fully patched up. They enter a large tent for food storage and are soon again met with Azriel — so it has to be evening already? He said he would join them for dinner, Nesta wonders. She has somehow lost sense of time and started to live just for the moment. 

“What do you want?” “Does it matter what I want?” The words leave her mouth before she can stop them. 

“Well, and with that we are back the grumpy, sour Nesta,” Cassian huffs, and takes a step forward to look into one big blue box. He winces slightly when he leans over it, his wound obviously still causing him pain, but he clamps down on the pain and bites the inside of his cheek.

“Cass,” Azriel cautions and hands Nesta small box with rice and some meat in it. “It is not easy. For none of us.”

Cassian slowly bows his head and digs into a larger box, fishing out a package of beef jerky. “Aha!” he cheers and rips it open. When Azriel has also found his meal they sit down together on plastic stools outside the foot tent, watching the sun lower on the horizon. 

“We can only stay here for a couple of days, then we continue,” Cassian informs, first looking at Nesta then at Azriel.

“I am joining you from here on,” Azriel says and takes a bite from the meal in his box. Nesta is avoiding direct eye-contact with either — she just wants to go unseen, does not want to participate in their conversation, simply does not want to talk or do anything. All she wants to do, is wash herself and then sleep. And this is what she is offered when she has finished her meal. 

Azriel brings them to a large tent with field beds and shows Nesta a separate one where which is filed with large bowels of water where she can wash herself. 

Sweet oblivion welcomes her the moment she falls into bed, and buries her head in the thin pillow. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

tags: @helhjertet @moonlightazriel@aayo-whatt @crushedcloudsx @brekkershadowsinger @girasoli-e-sorrisi @ignite-me@swifti-ed @cassiansbigwingspan @burningsnowleopard @headcanonheadcase. @banasheefan56 @a-frog-with-a-laptop

#nessian #nesta x cassian #nesta archeron #cassian acotar #acotar #acosf

[livsspecialinterests]

don't really know what I'm writing or why but it's 0350am and I'm sitting in bed unable to get back to sleep having a weird slight panic

idk whether I'm feeling a bit of a writing slump because I know that the dead should stay dead still has quite a way to go and some part of me worries that by the time I've gotten at the very least to the next big plot point a lot of people may very well have lost interest in the fandom

like I know it's silly because there's probably always going to be some sort of fandom around BJTM but this little community means so much to me and has meant so much to me during a really difficult and life altering time, I mean for gods sake I started writing fics to try to figure out my own meltdowns

plus at this point I really have no other strong interests, idk maybe I'll get super into Doctor Who again with the specials and the new series starting but I've really gone hard on the One Interest

I really love the last few chapters of the dead should stay dead but it's felt a bit different writing them. maybe it's because I feel a little guilty spending whole days on chapters when I've got so much that I need to do for work (I know it sounds sad but there's exams, portfolio etc), plus I'd really like to give writing original fiction another go

there's also that gnawing fear that the fandom is going to like... vanish, which again is probably not true in its entirety but once the tour ends I can see some people falling off or finding another thing

also people leaving or drifting away from the fandom is a completely okay thing to do I'm not trying to make anyone feel bad if that's what they want to do

it's also not to say that people are obliged to engage with or comment on my fics or hell even read them, of course no one *has to* do anything in fandom it's a bunch of people just having fun

I know I should just write for my own fun and enrichment but external validation is nice, okay? plus these past few weeks the external validation and thinking 'no, I want to write this for the people who are reading the fic and want to know what happens next' have been big motivators

my main motivator used to be this absolutely unstoppable creative drive and love for the show and it's characters (which is still there, I'm unfortunately going to love this silly show until the day I die I think) but this past week I've found that I'd rather study for my work exams than spend time writing a few paragraphs

if I cool it off a little with the frequency of chapter updates it'll probably be a net good for me, I really need to buckle down and get these exams passed, I need to start actually engaging in planning my career because I think in my head I've been thinking I might get a book published one day and as a result I've been sort of half neglecting the actual really decent career I've got

but also my mental health is so much better, I've mostly healed from a lot of my late diagnosed autistic trauma, plus work is actually quite good right now?

maybe more of my writing for BJTM fics was motivated by being mentally ill than I originally thought, and maybe I don't *need* to write fics anymore but I want to and I want to still love writing fics as much as I did back when I was having that difficult time, where it was a huge personal comfort to be able to write Beej having a hard time in very specific ways and have other people comfort him

I have said to my husband that I'll probably cool it with the fics once I've finished the dead should stay dead and am going to focus my creative energy on something original to see where that goes but there's still so much to go on the dead should stay dead..

that silly little fic has become like my baby, I want to write it all, flesh out the characters before the next Big Thing happens, I want to do my ideas justice but I also want to make sure there are people still in the fandom to read it once I get to that point

again I'm super tired it's the middle of the night and I'm rambling, I don't want to imply that anyone reading this should carry on reading something they don't enjoy, and I don't even think the number of people reading the fic has even gone down, I've just woken up this morning full of dread for the fandom changing because, fandom and interests wise, BJTM is kind of all I've got right now.

I didn't really belong to a fandom for years after BBC Sherlock ended and I realised while watching the 4th series that it wasn't that good there was just a very passionate fan base and that's what I likes (I know, I know), BJTM was the first thing I got really into for ages and the first thing I got really into while figuring out what it was that I got *really into* stuff (autism)

obviously no one has to stick around in a fandom for the benefit of a silly autistic fanfic author whos terrified of change, and please, please don't think that's what I'm implying or what I want

ughh idk what I'm even writing, I should probably just reach out more to people but doing that is scary without the buffer of a fic

I should also probably invest more time in doing stuff irl but I know that no hobby gives me the joy that writing gives me, like when I'm really vibing with something there really are few better things for me than being safe at home and writing

also maybe I should try to get into some other stuff but I don't really want to but equally I know the BJTM fandom isn't going to last forever I just.... 🙃

the silly musical and the silly community that has sprung up around it and making art and writing fics for it has saved me in so many ways I'm just scaaarrreedddd (and also tired and typing this at 4am so I might be being dramatic for nothing, plus I know I struggle with assuming any fleeting emotion is going to last forever, maybe I'll feel different in a weeks time idk)

anyway I'm going to try to get a little bit more sleep because I've got to be up for work at 6 for my actual grownup job that I should probably pay more attention to

(this is also totally not some way to subtly say I'm not going to finish the dead should stay dead BTW, I love that fic and I'm proud of what it is and what I've got planned for it, so to the people who are still reading please don't worry 💜)

#beetlejuice #personal #I'm genuinely not trying to be passive aggressive at anyone or whining to make people interact with me #Like really genuinely people need to do what they want and what makes them happy #I'm just scared of falling out of the fandom #and Im equally scared of sticking around and being the only one left because I was too stubborn to find other interests #beetlejuice broadway #beetlejuice the musical

[akindplace]

not exactly out of curiosity, but more of gratitude:

thank you for making and curating this blog. the subliminal but constant reminders abt how we are only human and that we deserve kindness for ourselves really did something for me i think

i've been less prone to self-destructive thoughts and have been reframing them into whatever you got going on. sure, things are kinda my fault -- but at the same time, a lot of factors play into stuff that happens, so it would be unfair to make it just my fault, right?

⚠ sui/cidal history

i've spent majority of my teenage years blaming myself for a lot of things -- things that i either could not help (innately desiring to be a professional multimedia artist) or something beyond my control (my parents' unpleasant first reaction to the artist thing). i was sui for like... 2 consecutive years for it. 3 years total if we include 2020 ahah

anyway, i'm presently not sui anymore, not since 2021 i like to think -- but self-hatred and -sabotage is still there. old habits die hard especially when you have a history of hating yourself for the things you are/what you're doing. every day is a fight to be doing what i want to, and oftentimes i'm find myself telling myself "i fought myself so hard to get this chance i thought i wouldn't have. why would i fail and throw it away now?"

it's exhausting, half the time, i'll admit. i hate having to convince and fight myself just to do the things i want to. it's not just executive dysfunctiob anymore; i'm sure something deeply wrong with me that i could probably dismantle better if i got the therapy for it. unfortunately, in a country like the philippines, healthcare is only for the well-off, and my family is anything but well-off. why else did they tell me that i needed to be something else first before becoming what i wanted to be, a professional artist? every day i fight, and every day i'm exhausted with my own brain and my living conditions.

every day i'm tired, but i come on tumblr and see your blog posts on my dash. they always make me consider being kinder to myself exactly because i fought so hard to stay alive, and even harder for the dreams i've always wanted to reach. i did tear myself out of a pool of tar that was my mental hell... by myself... so i deserve some kindness for myself because i've been through too much already, right?

ah, this got longer than intended. it's 2:07 am now, i should probably sleep

thank you again for your time, for this chance, and for this blog

sana masarap ulam mo magpakailanman

You definitely deserve compassion and kindness, especially from yourself, especially after all you went through. You fought very hard to be here, and you deserve credit for it, and doing all that alone is very exhausting. I hope someday soon you achieve your career dreams and the stability you crave, and that you can be in a better financial position to reach out to therapy, because no one should go through all that alone and you deserve help. Remember that there is nothing fundamentally wrong with you that you need to dismantle to make yourself “good”, your illness is lying to you. From the bottom of my heart, I really hope you are feeling well, and that your health improves soon. But just because you have an illness, it doesn’t make you “wrong” or “bad”, you’re just a person and you deserve good things. I really hope you keep going and that you achieve your dreams, and that you finally find yourself in a happy and safe place in life, and that you get all the support you need. You’re not alone in this struggle, and I know it’s exhausting to fight so much, so please rest all you need, but keep going. Thank you so much for your appreciation for this blog ♥️

You deserve so much happiness, so keep being kind to yourself.

#tw suicidal ideation #tw suicide #tw self destructive behavior #answered

[mechacringekitty]

the!

betrayal, bound, desire, future, mask, hate for damselfly [although I don't know how developed they are], daggers, isabeth, and kidako

you don't have to do all the characters/questions, sorry there's so many sdljghdfl I just love your characters so much

SOME OF MY FAVOURITES.. you know just what I like to write about <3 i am always happy to answer enjoy your food

betrayal ; Damselfly - No, they haven't. She doesn't have anyone close enough to her for it to be a betrayal on either end- most of her relationships are built on a mutual need to survive for the short time they interact. Daggers - Feels rather betrayed by Stellar, on an emotional level. She thought they would be happily together for the rest of their lives - they both did - and the fact that Stellar refuses to work any of it out doesn't make her feel any better. Daggers would never intentionally return the favour though, she knows how bad it feels. Kidako - Neither, so far, though he needs some more fleshing out and this might change. Isabeth - Absolutely. She put her trust in Iveya and Lullabies, and Iveya tore that down the second an opportunity for power was within her grasp. Lullabies less so, as she understands they just follow Iveya's orders, but it still hurt. Isa has betrayed mortals! Pre-Markata, she wasn't a huge fan and enjoyed leading them on just for fun. bound ; Damselfly - Has been caught by other denizens of hell several times. Usually by way of walking directly into traps like the cocky ass he is. They generally take it as a fun excuse to raze the area and whoever happens to be in it. Daggers - Not yet, though that could change :) Some questionable fellows lurk in the IceWing palace. Kidako - He is also okay so far. Isabeth - Iveya had her in a holding cell for about a week before the ascension; it was supposed to be a few days but there were distractions. It didn't leave scars, per say, but she's not alive anymore, so... desire ; Damselfly - It wants to be loved, quite a lot. Appreciated in general...seen for a powerful weapon. Power in general is a huge fantasy for them, they love the thought of ruling. They won't directly admit it, but it's not something they'll deny either. Pretty far! They already barely have morals and burn through hell like it's nothing. Maybe if they try hard enough they can rule a layer. Daggers - She'd love for her family not to be so distant and broken apart. Even her daughter not speaking to her much on the rare nights she's home makes her a little sadder every time. She's tried speaking to Stellar about it, but Daggers is too tired to handle much conflict and Stellar always turns it into an argument. Kidako - He's a pretty happy guy! Would love for there not to be a war! Not going to do anything about it, though! Isabeth - She wants Markata back...the love of her life, her other half. Isa has never had anyone to admit it to, but it's evident in the way she talks about Markata when Lullabies can get her to. She'd do almost anything just to talk to her wife again. future ; Damselfly - Stuck in hell, already scant mental health slowly degrading, nothing but a mindless machine with a broken soul. They're very aware of the possibility, but don't do much to avoid it, since everything is a "I'll deal with it later" situtation. Daggers - Wasting her life with Stellar and/or being killed in the impending war or from some other cause. Which is, unfortunately, the most likely future. She's too tired and stressed to think much about the future, though. Kidako - Losing his family, probably ? That or dying a meaningless death which is...also kind of likely. Isabeth - I literally do not think her life can get any worse. 1/2, once again

#hehehe i LOVE doing these !!!!!! yipper !!!!!!!! #oc; kidako #oc; isabeth #oc; daggers #oc; damselfly #hound.txt #foreverephemeral-art

[newtthetranswriter]

Hi, hope you have a nice day~~

I'd love a match-up with JJK, Demon Slayer and TokRev man if you don't mind.

So I'm 157cm tall (maybe about 5'2" I guess), I'm shy to talk about my weight so I can only say I'm a little skinny. And well, just say I feel a bit confident about my appearance.

I'm an INFP and capricorn. I have to struggle when it comes to relationships, I prefer staying alone quite too much and it's exhausting to me to keep the society connection. I'm a talkative one when I'm at my best, but will stay silent when I'm tired or mad because I'm scared to hurt people with my frustrating words. I'm not the gently type but I will try my best to give the beloveds my all. And I'm clingy, my love language is physical touch.

Oh, and I can be a very mean one when someone touches me or the people I'm closed to. I can mock and argue until I win and they apologize 😭

I'm studying as a interior designer so let's say I love drawing. I love writing, reading, cosplaying and sleeping. I'm not the best in baking, but I'm good at cooking.

I have been struggling with my mental health, it's nothing to severe, but I think I am extra clingy when I break down.

That's all I can describe about myself. Hope you don't find any difficulty.

Thank you so much~❤

A/n: Hello, I hope you’re having a great day. You gave me just enough info so I didn't have much trouble figuring these ones out. I hope you enjoy them. Anyway, enjoy, and remember to hydrate or diedrate.

Jujutsu Kaisen: Toge Inumaki

Toge’s love language is also touch so you being clingy doesn’t phase him, he loves that you just want to hang onto him

He understands when you suddenly go quiet you’re either upset or tired so does his best to help, will write a note asking if you need space or if you want to go cuddle

He won’t push you to do do stuff if you just want to be alone

Toge loves to sit with you while you’re drawing or writing

He also loves that you like to cosplay and tries to help and get in on it with you

‘Helps’ you when you’re cooking, and by that I mean he tries to distract you and steal things before the food is actually ready

And if you’re having a bad mental health day, he’ll get a bunch of snacks and you guys will just stay in bed and cuddle

Demon Slayer: Kyojuro Rengoku

Being a Hashiara Kyojuro understands that keeping contact with people can be difficult so he checks on you when ever he has the chance

When he gets home from long missions, he just loves to cuddle with you and enjoy whatever meal you made for him

He is a little concerned if you randomly go quiet but if you just simply say you’re tired he will nod and let you rest

Kyojuro loves when you show him your art when he gets home and is amazed at how talented you are

The first time he sees you stand up for him or yourself when someone was being rude, he was shocked but also proud

If he’s around when you’re having a mental breakdown he’s all for cuddles and rest, it’s what’s best for you after all

If he finds out that while he was on a mission you had a breakdown, he will try to make up for it with extra cuddles and treats

Tokyo Revengers:  Takashi Mitsuya

He is a fashion designer after all, so if you tell him an idea for a cosplay he is working on patterns and getting supplies for it

Takashi will always be down for just quiet dates where you sit and draw together

I feel like he also goes quiet when he’s tired, he’ll pick up on that and offer to go rest with you if you want cuddles, and if you just want to be alone that’s fine with him

He’s very understanding and won't pressure you to talk about your feelings unless you ask to talk about them

Don’t worry about hurting him with your words either, he’s raising his sisters and has been dealing with the Toman gang, he’s probably heard it all

He feels honored when you cook for him, cause you didn’t have to do that

And if you’re having bad mental health day, he takes the whole day off to be with you, no one will be able to reach him for anything, his whole focus is on you and making sure you know he’s there for you

#x reader #jjk x reader #jujustsu kaisen x reader #tokyo revengers x reader #demon slayer x reader #match ups